The Fighter & The Kid - Felipe Esparza | TFATK Ep. 975

Episode Date: March 14, 2024

Comedian Felipe Esparza joins Brendan Schaub and Bryan Callen and the guys talk how Felipe got started in stand up comedy after rehab, joining a gang, fighting a Batman, the viral video of Brendan flipping his truck and much more! True Classic - Upgrade your wardrobe and get up to 25% OFF @trueclassic at https://trueclassic.com/FIGHTER ! #trueclassicpod #sponsored JOYMODE - https://usejoymode.com/fighter or enter code: Fighter at checkout for 20% off your first order Fieldcraft Survival - https://fieldcraftsurvival.com/fighter Use code: Fighter20 for 20% OFF Training and Product

Yes we did, cause we back at it again, it's the fighter and the kid This is really the fighter and the kid Yeah I've had fans come up to me and go, I saw you when I was in prison Yeah bro Or I voted for you on last comment standing when I was in prison Really? Yeah, I guess they are illegal phones Oh they do it, they all do

Yeah there's prisoners with like TikToks and shit Oh dude, my f- Yes, all do. Yeah, there's prisoners with like tic-tox and shit. Oh, dude. I might my Yes, they're cool. Yeah, they're cool talking to this guy. It's been a prison guard forever. Yeah Yeah, introduce our guest though. Felipe Esparza in the house. What's up food? Thanks for having me Well, thank you for coming brother a little earlier than expected. We appreciate you adjusting big dog and for me I never like every time like I say, see you or something, we're doing a show over the years. You're just like, you always seem like you're in a rush or you're like,

you're like, Hey, what's up? So we never really kind of talked or no, I usually leave after the show. Yeah, I don't hang out no more. Hang out. I used to hang out a lot. But then I will like get all drugged out. And yeah, that's a problem. So I was like, you grew up a little bit, yeah. If you stick around in the lifestyle, I don't think people realize with stand up,

because you spend all day alone, then at night you're out, you get all this attention, then you got fans, and you're like, you don't wanna sleep. Then it's two in the morning, nothing good happens. The line of coca-ina, what are you gonna do? Yeah. It's not gonna sniff itself.

You're on the road and people ask who did you meet? Well, I met this guy who drove me to the show. I met the sound guy. Yeah. Yeah. And this lady who, the housekeeper lady who gave me towels, we spoke. Yeah.

That's it. Can I mention my date, just in case people say, oh man, fuck this guy. I'm gonna fast forward. Yeah. I'm in Albany in New York this month. First time ever, never been there. Albany, New York.

And I'm going to be in St. Louis at the Helium Comedy Club. Nice. Eight shows in Irvine. We added a Thursday second show. Damn, you already sold out on the seventh. Oh yeah, West Coast, no problem, man. Middle of America, they have to Google me. And Florida, they got to see me. And Florida, they gotta see me at a podcast

to go to my show. What about text? I bet you do text crush. Yeah, it's weird too. It's regional, isn't it? It gets harder and harder to sell tickets because in some places, if they don't, I don't know if they're just not on your.

If you're on the Zeitgeist, yeah, it just depends. It's people play different, you know. It's always a grind selling tickets and stuff. Speaking of which, Louisville, Kentucky, I'll see you this Friday, Saturday, come get some. Come get some biscuits. Yeah, Louisville Comedy Club. But yeah, man, I don't know, so now you don't hang around,

you just kind of keep, you walk a straight and narrow line. And I'm married too, so. Oh shit. My wife come with me to the show, so after the show she want to leave, or hang out, or go eat straight and narrow line. And I'm married too, so. Oh shit. My wife comes with me to the show, so after the show she wants to leave or hang out or go eat somewhere and hang out. How'd you meet your wife? Like everyone else, bro, at the Laugh Factory.

Really? She was a waitress. I got here when she was brand new. She was shadowing another waitress, and I came in, she thought I was Paul Rodriguez's son. P. Rod. P. Rod the skateboarder? These are his shoes. Actually, that's funny When I came in but I want to say nothing cuz I saw that the front of them look like a like a poncho

That's not happy. Yeah. Yeah, these are P rod shoes. Okay, fly hundred dollars probably right? I don't know they gave them to me Yeah, there are your own nice shoes. Yeah, go with that. You shoes by the way. I tried my dude, you brought the fire today. Yours, you work at Cheesecake Factory, bro. Cheesecake. Bro, these are golden goose, man. They're like, you're artificially distressed, handmade. Come on, somebody bought these for me. You dropped syrup on them.

I got these on my 50th birthday, and somebody said, I'm going to buy you some designer sneakers, and they're handmade in there, but they do look like baseballs it looks like I'm wearing somebody stretched a baseball out somebody broke into the Hall of Fame and took Babe Ruth's cleats off. That's about how they feel you got new you got new kicks. Yeah man a fan made these for me a year ago. Kicks to Adamas shout out to him. Those are sick. And I never worn them. They're You got new kicks. Yeah man, a fan made these for me a year ago. Kicks to Adamas, shout out to him.

Those are sick. And I've never worn them. They're Jordans, I never had Jordans. And he did that. Custom Felipe Jordan ones. Dude, I saw something with Felipe Esparza tattoo. Yes. That was like, oh shit.

A woman. Yeah man. She wrote this fool. Yeah. Damn, on her neck? Yeah, right here man wrote this fool. Yeah. Damn. On her neck? Yeah, right here, man. Oh, wow. Did you meet her?

Should I share the definition? And she had her skin tag too to match the mole. Oh my God. On her, on her. On her. I've had people like, when I didn't, when I won last comic standing, I found out that when you do a new headline,

they expect you to do everything, you know? And like there was no press. So I would just go into like a barber shop and I would give them my DVD. And I said, man, just play it all week here. You have a TV? Cause most barber shops, they have a big TV. So I will get on my DVD and they will play it all week.

That's smart. And I will give them a T-shirt and the owner. Because you wanted people who were coming in to see that. Yeah, because they might be, and then they're sitting just watching for at least an hour, probably 45. That's brilliant. So we're giving them four tickets to the owner,

to the employees, and then along the way, like people, oh man, we're all going together. Then they'll bring like a 40 group people to the show. That's brilliant. That's guerrilla marketing. And you do that with every barber shop? In the beginning, yeah, I would do that with every power shop in the beginning Yeah, I would do that when I was

Doing it. Yeah, I gotta go there hustle do it. Hey, can you put this poster outside your shop? I give you four tickets and I'll do it. How'd you grow up? I grew up in And the Boyle Heights. Yeah, it was like this housing projects Aliso Pico Pico Aliso Pico Gardens and Aliso Village, it's like 10 gangs. Damn. First Street Crips, Fourth Street Pai-Roo, Aliso Village Brim, Pimena Flats, Capone, TMC, East LA Dukes, East LA Tiny Dukes, Quattro Flats.

Gangs in New York, Jesus Christ. How the fuck did you navigate that just by being funny? Yeah, I went to elementary in one school, Aliso Village, and then I went to the other second street which was in the other, the rival neighborhood, and then Hollomback Junior High was where everybody met. Damn, what do you mean? So that's where all the neighborhoods would meet.

Yeah. I grew up in the same neighborhood where that guy from homeboy industry, Greg, father, Greg Boyle. Yeah. That's the priest in my neighborhood. And then what age did you start stand up? I started when I was right after rehab. I was like 25, 26.

Really? You got done with rehab. You're like it's time to do stand up. Yeah. What, I was like 25, 26. Really? You got done with rehab, you're like it's time to do stand up. Yeah. What was that? So you went into rehab for what? I was hanging out late, you know,

I was 20 years old, 21 years old, early late 90s, early 90s, I forget exactly. And I was not in no gang, but I would hang around. I would hang around with a gang that had like the younger gang. Not the older gang, the younger gang. And it was just because that was something to do, right? It was something to do. And they'd let you just chill?

They wouldn't be like, hey, you sure you don't want to get jumped in and be an official member? That happened later on. And then they jumped me in. And I was like, it was weird because I was like, I was old, 20. And everybody was like 14, 15, 17. That's the way to do it though. Have a bunch of young kids beat me up instead of grown men.

20. I always talk about it, they beat me hard, man. Candy was coming out of me. Huh? Just a bunch of 14-year-olds jumping. Like a piñata, bro. Like candy was coming out of my body. That's how bad the beating was.

So they jumped you in and you're an official member Official member they started calling me Batman. Why? Glad um, I only had one Batman shirt and it was like the underoos Yeah, so I had the Batman one in the underwear So I just wore the Batman at 20 you were in Batman underwear. Yeah jumped in by a bunch of 14 years Yes, that's yeah, that's not that's where you go We got to get our shit together over here Did you did you see you went to rehab for how long for about a year?

Damn for a rom crack cocaine long time you say crack. Yes. Damn Yeah, man, you fucking around came out. What was the what was the epiphany of saying? I got it. I can do stand-up Yeah, where's the rock? I of saying I can do stand-up? Had you always been making people laugh? My question would be where's the rock bottom with crack that you enter rehab? I was, I got into a fight with, it was stupid, I got into a fight with another guy

who they were already calling him Batman. He was taking you for a first shot. I think his name was Steven. There can only be one Batman on the block. He was an older man. He was 30. He was like 30. And I was like 20. And he came out of prison for doing

like 8 years. And he went into it when he was 22. And then everybody would call him Batman. And they'd go, not you man. The other Batman. He was a younger Batman. It was I'm the real Batman So one day he got out he got drunk and I'm PCP and he approached me started strangling me Like that PCP strength is no punk. No, it's like bro

Face ten times. Yeah. Yeah, PCP strength is not ironic King. You know, he was on PCP. Oh he was yeah Yeah, that's why he took the beating. Damn. So you got in a fight or maybe he just choked you. You got into a fight and I couldn't get out of it. I'm choke hold, you know, I have no, I don't know mixed martial arts. He's just like this, like a wave choke. They call it a wave choke.

Like, a headlock. Old school, like a bully had a bulldog. And he was like hitting me, I didn't know what to do. I don't know mixed martial arts. So I just bit his ear off, you know, I started to wait for his ears and I bit like a little piece of his ear off. I mean people will scream bro. Oh yeah, that's a good technique. When a piece of their skin comes off. Hell yeah. Whether you're Batman or not, that shit hurts. Then I took out my bout man. I started beating him like a runaway slave bro. Like beating him bro, like where's your ID? You know, you're beating him.

Who sent you, you know? And the next day he went to the hospital and he didn't want to press charges. He said no, I'm gonna handle it, let the streets handle it. So then I was scared and that's when Father Greg Boyle, my mom talked to him and he took me to rehab. Right after, like a week later.

So the fight with Batman did it. Yeah man. And then you said, I'm gonna start doing standup or were you making people laugh in rehab or what? In rehab I was like, young in there. There was a lot of old people, like 55, 60. They were all heroin addicts. And they were all, I was like, crack was new.

Yeah. And, but it was non-denomination. There was Armenians there for alcoholism. And we would go to different churches like Muslim Church for those people and us Christian and Catholic but we all would meet up in one church in Burbank called the Burbank Community Church with Pastor Jones and that guy bro was man what you call like hardcore Christian bro like he was he got mad that they built Universal Studios Because I took away some of the congregation. Oh, wow, because people rather watch movies and watch the Christ the Lord

So we will go there. But one of the guys that helped us was a guy named Tim. He was a Catholic Like a natural liberal style guy He was a Jesuit brother, not a priest. So he goes- A form of a monk. Yeah, he goes, he does like the priest dirty work. Yeah, hardcore dudes. Hardcore dudes.

Like if you have hardcore money, most likely the priest will show up to your house. You have no money, a Jesuit brother will show up. And he'll speak on behalf of the church. So he would come to the rehab and speak to us, how do you feel today? So you gotta write down how do you feel today. And man, you would never have to,

he won't read it, but he would express your feelings in a paper. So one day he said, write down five things you want to accomplish in life. Your five goals, your dreams. So we didn't know what the hell he was talking about. So I wrote, I always wanted to be the real Batman. You know, I always wanted to be Spider-Man.

Then people write stuff like that, grown men, they don't know, they never wrote goals. So I wrote, I want to be a comedian. I want to be, I want to be happy. And I want to go to Italy, because I like Olive Garden. Then I forgot four and five. So now we had a,

so he said don't read it to me. Now you have a purpose in life. You know, for the first time you have goals. If you accomplish one of those things, you know, it'll first time you have goals. If you accomplish one of those things, you know, it'll be, that's close to perfection. Damn. So I never been to Italy. Isn't it funny how somebody can say one thing?

One thing. You never been to Italy, you're not Batman, you're not Spider-Man. You can go to Italy. Are you gonna go? I went to, but I did, ended up being a comedian. So when I came out of rehab, I said, all right, I'm gonna try to be a comedian now, because I already lied to people that I was a comedian

back in the days. I went to the library, because there was no social media, no internet, and I talked to this old lady that works there, a librarian, and she said, can you tell me, I want to be a comedian, fool. Can you show me where to get these books to learn how to be a comedian? And she took me to like the glossary, I guess.

The English section. And it was all like Macbeth, and fucking Shakespeare. That's too much. Then there was a book, there was comedy writings with some guy that used to be on a tonight Show and he was in that movie Casino, I don't know his name. Right. I don't know his name.

None of that shit was helpful. No. Hell no. But I found this one little book called Comedy Writing Step by Step by Gene Perret. Damn. And that guy used to write for the Tonight Show. I know that book. And he used to go on tour with comics.

I've seen that book before. So he'll be like, like Johnny Carson want to do a joke on ski trips, he will write 100 jokes on ski trips. It's so funny because I saw that book a long time ago. And I remember thinking, I'm not going to read that book. Because it just seemed like, I don't know, I just couldn't figure it out.

Like Haki almost. Yeah. I don't want to be that. Yeah, it's so interesting. So anyway, so you got got it you read it and That that was helpful though. Yeah, I got the book and But it was like man it was so it was kind of outdated because he was like Basically he taught you how to write jokes. Yeah a lot of jokes like that George Burns

Yes, like Bob Hope shit, right? Yes, and the guys who used to be not tonight should before him. I can't think of any Allen Jackson. No, that's a country. No, no Allen Man, I know exactly. Yes. I met him. All right kiddos Let's take a little break because this episode of the fighter and the kid is brought to you by true classic They are our favorite freaking Classic they are our favorite frickin sponsored they have the best shirts the best clothes ever now when you think of true classic if you've ordered any fire and kid merch think boy merch it's usually always on true classic tees but they just don't make the best t-shirts ever no no so much more the joggers I'm

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Yes, he's true with he were at you write mixed martial arts. So then in the bottom right here, you write all the, five columns. In one column, you'll write all the mixed martial moves you can think of without looking them up. Brrrr. And then right here, you write all the mixed martial people you know, like Brendan Shaw, a bunch of names. Then right here, you write stuff Brendan Schaub, a bunch of names. Right, Calon.

Then right here you write stuff that they have said, like their common line, like Brendan Schaub would have said, he had a common line that he would always say, you would write down right there. That's kinda interesting. And then everybody's line. And then on the long way you write fights that you remembered. I feel like this is how chat GBT writes.

Yeah, so then you would after that, you write a joke about Brennan's shop. Yeah. And then you're writing jokes. Yeah. But you're brainstorming. Yeah. Yeah, that's all you're doing is brainstorming.

I've been in a writing session with comics before and some comic was like classically trained like that. And then I cry, what's funny? And you say, my dad. All right, well, what's interesting about your dad is you write five things. All right. And then what's five things that people don't know about them. And then by the time you get to the end, you have like this kind of like, at least kind of a blueprint of a joke. You don't have a joke, but you at least have

a path. It starts the kernel. It really helps. I know that stuff sounds old school, but it really helps. No, it helps. Anything like that. Anytime you have scaffolding or a framework that you can write. Especially when you're with other comics, it's like, oh dude, you know what would be funny? Because it just starts there, and then it just sidetracks. Or sometimes you can get a theme. I think what I'm writing about my new special is going to be basically, I've always walked around thinking I was like the best person. No, like a good person, which I am, I'm a

good person. Yeah, well yeah you are. And, but like, you know, you always think, man, I wish the world was nice like me and everybody would get along, that kind of bullshit. And I realized that that's not true. Like I'm a good person and stuff like that. But if you look at your motivation behind what you're doing, a lot of it's just you just want to live forever, you know, or whatever it might be. But it's like you can come up with a theme

and start kind of exploring how the fuck you really think, and you can find a lot of good stuff in that. Have you seen that dude, he was on Schultz recently, but he's pretty big on social media. I think he's like 45 or maybe he's 50, but his body is like that of like a 25 year old. Oh yeah, Brian Johnson. He's obsessed with staying young.

Yeah, Brian Johnson. He lives in Venice. That can't be a way to live, man. That must be exhausting. He measures erection three times a night. He takes 110 pills a day. Oh wow. That can't be a way to live.

You're not enjoying. He's a very weird guy. You might live 20 years longer than me, but, but I'm, at least I'm living. He's so weird. He's a very weird guy. Oh, he doesn't have kids. Or if he does, I don't know.

Yeah. He has a son that looks identical to him. I think. Wow. And he wants to always like drink his blood. Yeah. I made that part up, but it is weird. Wow. He's got a lot of money. Have you seen this guy? I thought you were talking about this comedian.

I saw the mothership that looks 14, but he's actually 22. Who is that? No, they didn't get me. Really? I saw him with Tim Dillon. He looked like- I wonder who that is. Is it Tim's guy?

I think so. He was the mothership when I was there. He looks 12, but he's actually 22. I remember I was smoking smoking and then when he came into the green room when I started to hide it but then he started smoking I said okay you're a kid. That's a 12 year old. I thought he graduated from comedy camp at the Laugh Factory but.

Oh wow. He's like Benjamin Buttons but backwards. That's hilarious. I thought you were talking about him. Does he have a beard? No he's just baby face. Yeah, those guys that are always trying to fight, you know, Father Time, it just can't be a way to live.

No. And nobody ever wins. Nobody wins. Father Time's undefeated. You're not going to win. Nobody ever wins. No. Everyone loses 10, 8 rounds.

But the idea is that, yeah. There's no. But what they're doing, so you know. That's funny. Nobody's going to win. Never. He's undefeated. But what they're doing, this is this longevity project. So what they're doing is that all of them are trying to preserve what they have the best they can so that in 20 years, when they have these advances of how to stop the cell from breaking down, they can then like, you'll have your body will be.

So it's like, so this idea now right now is if you can stay alive for 20 more years, right? Just 20 years, this is what they're thinking. So technology catches up? Well, yeah. It's some kind of a velocity. It's called like a not terminal velocity. But isn't this what Walt Disney did? That's why he froze his body?

Yes, yes, yes. He cryogenically froze himself. But now the idea is if you can stay alive for 20 years, it may be that every year after that, they double your life or they can give you another year. So you hit this sort of thing where you can kind of technically live for 200 years. Escape velocity, that's it. It's a theory that pauses. We may soon reach a point where aging is optional. That can't be good. I just don't think it's the way to go. I don't know.

You know what I'm saying? I bet God's up there like, God, I gave you guys Hundo. Yeah, we also don't have any anti-aging drugs yet. It's like I've been waiting for them to clone hair for how fucking long? Literally. Seriously. Like how long is it going to take you motherfuckers? Every single part, turkey, it's done dude.

I know, but I want wanna grow my own hair. I want good hair, I want them to go, I wanna go hey, I want Felipe Esparza hair or Brandon Schaub hair. You guys have fucking good hair. You're never losing your hair. Yeah, it's just the way that the roll of the dice does. Well I fucking, and I want muscles.

Okay man, go to Turkey and then I'll take you down to Tijuana for the steroids. Well yeah, with this whole new fucking longevity thing, the two things that are going to make the first things that we're going to see are probably going to be, you're going to be able to put on muscle and you're going to be able to grow hair. And those are where all the money is. It's always weird, like I got a buddy that wakes up and before he goes to bed puts one of those red light mask on.

He's like, dude, you got to try and it's all this money. And I see him like, you look exactly the same. Right. It's not, just give it up, bro. Sleep and not eating as much and working out and in less stress. I don't know. My friend's mom or no, grandmother, Toby Hicks, she's 102. Some people can, you know, I mean, a lot of it they say like-

But have you ever seen a 102 year old, like damn, hopefully I live that long. I see him like, Jesus. Yeah, it's not a good life. She look like she would fall off there, she'd probably die. Game over, yeah. Yes.

She's very frail. Yes. Of course. You never see a 102 year old crush in it. You're like, oh man, I'd love to get there never For stuff they were having a stick. Yeah, you want to you want to be the stick guy at a hundo breaks down It just breaks down especially if you're bigger like I'm screwed like, you know, there's no big grandpa's out there Yeah, you pretty you but you've stayed in shape your whole life. Like you've never stopped moving

Yeah, I mean father times. My dad is all the time sent me with a wet dick in 2024 he's just yeah yeah yeah but i feel like you're i don't know i feel like you're hey you're you're viral as a motherfucker dude you you've changed a little bit things are different how many how many views does his truck have you seen this thing yeah we'll take a look at his page, but he made TMZ as well So we might as well just play it Judge yourself. I got a really bad concussion. It happened in like it happened January 6 So it happened a while ago, but I couldn't post anything to we got the okay from insurance So I was able to post it when we end of February. See, you know

two months later. This is on TMZ. Look at how look at what a what a redneck you look like look at that awesome mustache. That knocked me out a little bit that gave me a slight. It hit you right in the head. Oh yeah. I like the people like you weren't wearing a seatbelt I was I took it off mid-air like the matrix Cuz I was worried the truck was gonna fall on top of me For so mid-air I unclip the seatbelt so I drop and could get out but then the side airbag you were calm Oh, yeah, stay calm. Yeah, I do well in high-pressure sit You can't believe that it didn't knock you out the airbag

high pressure situation. I can't believe that it didn't knock you out the airbag. It was a flash knockout. And then I didn't realize it when I got out Casey was like, are you? He's like, oh my God, are you okay? I'm like, I'm good. And Casey was like, well, as your friend, man, thank God, as a producer, this is fantastic. Yeah, man. You're up to the dunes with Napoleon Dynamite's grandma. That's right. What the heck are you doing in the dunes? What are you doing in the dunes? Oh, that's, that's amazing. But it's funny cause after going through insurance and dealing with all that, like we, I just got my new truck.

Yeah. Like something, you know, not a rental. No, I wish if that was a rental, my life would be so much easier. Derek Poston, Derek Poston, but you put the N word and said, how you casually flip your truck. Shout out to Poston. Yeah. I'm plotting to Mike Berries.

I got out of there so fast. Hell yeah. I did. I was worried it was going to cave on cave on top of me. It's at 1.4 mil right now. If you, it's on 1.4 on IG. It's at 2.5 on Twitter. It's at 1.4 on IG it's at 2.5 on Twitter it's at 1.6 on tik-tok and then the other page is the big one like there's one it's at 18

million mmm yeah I think total case scheme track where yeah do you feel like you're a little cocky now that you're so famous remind me of when the big Lebowski when big Lebowski, when Jeffrey Lebowski had just got his car out of the lot and he's smoking a joint, you're gonna be like, just got back from Illinois. And then the joint burns his garage and he crashes into the wall.

Yeah, dude. You ever been in any crashes? Yeah. You have? Yeah. I remember this guy, he loaned his car for 60 bucks because he wanted to buy drugs. So I gave him $60 and he loaned his car,

I got 71 in Palo. And my friend and I, we bought a bunch of food and we thought we were gonna go to Santa Monica Pier at two in the morning and just have a good time. But I put the accelerator too far in and it was a curve. And I never drove a fast car. And I hit every pole on the way into the freeway

and then the last pole stabbed us, stabbed the radiator and we're not, I'm the only one wearing a seatbelt. Everybody flies through the front and we had a bunch of natural jalapenos and everybody is, they're all over everybody's eyes. So they're blind on the way out, they can't see. The next day the guy goes, what happened to my car? He goes, I don't know man, but here's the keys.

We just left it there. I don't know man. Shit is wild, dude. Here's the keys. He goes, man, how can you load a, I believe it on the guy. How can you kill with your car like that? You know we couldn't drive. Yeah, by the way, he had no offense, but like, young Philly Pan Sparza, just high looking for drugs

or whatever. Also, what'd you think was gonna happen, dude? You'd let these kids drive your car for 60 bucks and you can get drugs? Yeah, I mean, it's not gonna work out. Oh, my bad, it didn't work out. That's so funny. I saw that guy eight years later

at a narcotics anonymous meeting. And I thought he was gonna come up to me and punch me. And he said, when you wrecked my car, he goes, that's why I knew I had to change my life. You helped him out, dude. I thought back, I need to ride home. He shows when I gave out my six-day Impalas when I knew I was hit rock bottom, man.

I need to ride home. That's a sweet ride. How many times have you been in rehab? Just one time. Oh, OK. The second time of culture, I did it on my own. Nice. Yeah, you're the exception. times you been in rehab? Just one time. Okay, the second time of culture kids. They're on my own nice that yeah that you're the exception. So you just over now Yeah, I don't drink beer. I don't do any other kind of stuff. Sounds like you're California sober. Yes, you do weed Yes, yeah, you're California sober different sober mushrooms and we yeah

only beef and milk Body that's yeah, you're funny when you say that cuz I went to um when I went to my house checkup I don't eat beef and milk, too. It's gonna fuck my body. That's funny when you say it, because when I went to my house checkup, my first time ever, they drew blood. It was in Glendale, California. It was your first time you ever had a checkup? Yeah, it was in Glendale.

I was living in Glendale. I guess they hire anyone to do those jobs now, to draw blood. Or maybe the doctors I go to But the guy was like a hardcore Doug a cholo, bro. Yeah, he had a bunch of tattoos from his gang And I was like, you're not gonna stab me. Are you just joking with him now? He goes it's good a school for this and I was interviewing him for the job that he already has Good school for this homes. He would not hold me back in the days. He didn't go to school for this

Jovio and speaking the flag making me laugh and then he goes he's like looking for my vein ah, you got a good one right here, right and then I am I was talking to the doctor, because he said that none of the drugs, like cocaine and PCP, heroin and LSD, everything I've ever done ruined my body. But he said right now dairy is fucking up my body.

Because your cholesterol is really high? Yeah, so dairy is fucking up my body. That's how you know you're getting older. Yeah. So cocaine is all right? He goes, yeah, just don't cut it with cheese So now my parties bro, I'm like a man or there's gonna be a lot of drugs there man Yes

There's gonna be no cheese wheel there are there I'm down to go man, but there's sharp cheddar. I'm out You like man you old D. No boros. I wouldn't put milk in my drink You ordered a black coffee yeah doing your job Did your wife stay on top of your health is she pretty strict with it or no? No, actually I was she she um She grew up first day at Venice. I guess is Is she Latina? No, she's white. She was in Venice? No, she grew up first day Adventist.

Oh, Adventist, yeah. The church. First day Adventist. So they're all vegetarian. So she grew up vegan with her mom. I think those are the people that live forever out in San Luis Obispo or something, right? Yeah.

Yeah, they're built like Cure with the Frog. What do you call it, first state Adventist? La Melinda, I think. First day or day One of the blue zones never won a armory Venice first day of Venice either advent first day advent Christian. Yeah, they're all vegetarian So and she to this day vegetarian. Yeah, and does she make you eat vegetarian? Yeah, I don't I like it now

But I started being vegan when I was in 2012. I was trying to do the Atkins diet Yeah, you know, which is the Keto's diet now I was just eating the only beef patties and cheese and sour cream and diet coke. Yeah, no water. No lettuce Yeah, I was constipated for like my days. I had to take a Lamaze class. You know how to take a shit again? And when I... You should drink water. You can drink water. So when I took a shit, man, I didn't...

All my life, I've been pushing shits out, you know? I never sat there and let it come out naturally ever in my life. So I'm trying to push this fucking atkin shit out, bro It looks like it's explosive explode bro like blood came out. I was scared Like I was like having a guy Must have had like four hemorrhoids for the first time just from pushing and of course being a man I didn't tell no one you know no hell no. I just kept it cool. Yeah every once in a while during a conversation

Yeah, man Yeah, the dog is one. Yeah, every once in a while during a conversation. Yeah, man Yeah, the dodgy one. Yeah, anybody but hurt buddy just Those rams. Yeah, it's crazy. Yeah Have you ever had hemorrhoids? No, hold on. Hold on. No, hold on Bro when there's inches like when you you know, you're in foot itches, you're like, ah, that's annoying. When you have a hemorrhoid, it is the most intense itch that you cannot solve.

Really? It is, if you want to torture ISIS, give them hemorrhoids. Please. Dude, it was the most insane itch I've ever had in my ass. Damn. And I'm not telling like ass cheeks. How'd you get it just from squatting or something? For heavy lifting, I was doing heavy dead lifting college. Dude dude my asshole. It had a great size hemorrhid. I'm asshole. Oh wow itched

And you I'm driving itch in my back. He's driving like this Oh, bro, and it went back to normal after a little while. No, I mean what's normal It is if you scratch it it, when you go to the restroom, you hear like a motherfucker. It feels, when you wake up, it feels like somebody sodomized you at night. Yeah, somebody's sticking it. Somebody raped you at night.

Yeah. But the itch, it's torture. It never goes away. And it's the most intense itch you've ever had in your life. Jesus. And then your fingers smell like shit, obviously. Yeah. Because you're around your asshole.

Yeah. It's a disaster. Just a little thing. You try everything, man. Like shoving an ice cube up your butt hole. Whatever. Whatever. To give her that, if someone's like, the only way to do this,

we got to get a dick. Well, sometimes you got to go to the doctor. They got a fucking lamp. I had a friend who told me what you got to do is put your finger all the way in and just stab it. Yeah, push it back in. That's what I did. And it worked. But Yeah, push it back. That's what I did work and it worked But it hurt like a mouth. Yeah, that's what I did

I took I took this push it back in this big old finger and just shoved it back in and we good, baby We're good. I'm back I'm back on my big wheel. Yeah Tricycle baby There's one worst days of my life though. Yeah. Yeah, that's how I felt man. I don't tell anybody No, me neither. So then I got so scared fucked it I'm gonna stop eating anything that makes my my blood hurt like beef. So I went a whole month without beef Yeah, bro, then cheese that just started being vegan. It was fucked. I don't want that pain again. Now. It's good

Nice to come back and never leaves. Yeah, like I X yeah Yeah, no, it's like an ex who's obsessed with you. They go away for a little bit and then they rear their ugly head Yeah, mine come back from now and just what's up, but like oh no well, then they leave yeah, cuz I Cuz I got off stage in Austin and Tim Kennedy grabbed me and squeezed me and like just hugged me and I wasn't ready for it and I I remember I was like Why does my asshole feel like somebody's fingers in it and then I felt it and I had a I had a hemorrhoid But it went away after about four days

Was it now was it outside or was it in the lane? How does it go with outside my was out my mic came outside? Oh my god, that's painful It was the size of a grape is purple too. Jesus mine was inside Yeah, yours. Wow I've seen when I first looked when I when I started googling. Oh, that's the first one that showed up was the outside hemorrhoid Wow, you must have been really pushing those weights. Oh dude. I was getting it. Yeah, not worth it So you were lifting those weights you were pressing your your ass cheek together straining so much and finally your asshole goes It's just like a levy.

Now that you mention it, remember what I was doing at the Venice Barbell Club and you said be careful? Yeah. Because I was doing that Olympic lifting. My asshole itched, and I remember saying my asshole itched and the guy goes, you're not breathing right. Be careful as code for hemorrhoids. Hemorrhoids.

Yeah. But as guys, we don't really talk about it. Yeah, you're sure. Women get them when they're given birth. Because they're pushing so hard, the asshole goes pop, pop, pop. That's right. God.

When you're in pain, you start thinking about invention. How they do it. Because you do something that actually works. How come they're inventing it? Right. I was thinking about the frozen underwear. That's good. Frozen underwear would be very good. That'd be very good.

Yeah, and some of them, if they're like, thank God, my way, I just pushed them back in was like, get out of here. But some never come back in, so then they got to tie them off with small rubber bands and singe them. They got to singe them off. So you're hanging out like those things that hang out on some people's ears. Yeah. Like a mole, like a big fat mole, but a key size of a

great, yeah. But a size of a great plump. And you just kept lifting weights after that. Yeah, man. Pushing it back in and lifting whatever it takes. I'd never understood there. That's why I've never understood why some people, men and women are into assholes.

They're into it. Like, they want to lick it. Or they want to... I just... With jelly. Yeah, I don't need that. I'm not... I've never been into the asshole.

It's our animal instinct. Like, if a girl's into my butthole, I'm like, hey, hey, hey. Come on, man. At your age. I mean, at any age. It's just like, come on. Yeah, I... I mean, for me, and not like... I don't like when they do that, especially because they're just like come on. Yeah. Yeah me for me and then not like I don't like when they when they do that

Especially because always like a surprise. Hey, we're doing there but like But every man I did a bit of a bit of body goes man I was a lie, but I was like, um, cuz the woman I was a woman wasn't she told me He was yeah, man. Every woman every man here the G spot You know, you mean about her. No, no, no, fuck that, it ain't a butthole. He goes, between the butthole and your balls, you're scrotum. Yeah, the taint.

Yeah, the taint, because I remember as a woman, I don't know, I was behind her or she was on top of me, and she had a knuckle and she kept stabbing me right there, bro, over and over. That's not fun. Over and over, but it felt good. Yeah, yeah. But every time she got close to my butthole, I was like, hey, hey, hey, but then it got good. I, but it's actually got close to a bottle

I think she wanted to go in my bottle. She'll lose me up for next time, but there was no next time She wanted to get into that she want my password. Okay, here we go Yes, that and you did a your special you did in Spanish and English. Yeah, it was tough because I thought I really knew Spanish but it's all like West Coast Spanish. Different Spanish. Doesn't exist in regular Spanish. Yeah, like me and my girl will be watching something with my mother-in-law, it'll be in Spanish, it'll be like a Spanish actor, like Narcos and they're like, oh no, he's

Brazilian. Like that's not, or they'll be like, no, he's from Spain. That's not real span like that He has an accent. I'm like Everybody have an accent. Yeah, there's somebody you know right away if it's like in that like if especially the American actor That's trying Spanish. I was like they'll go. Oh, it's terrible squid games when the Americans were talking and it's like that's not Some there was a couple actors where you're like, you're not speaking English. Your wife is Mexican? Yeah, born and raised Guadalajara. Guadalajara, Guadalajara.

I'm talking super Mexican, yeah, yeah. Yeah, man. Whole household is. She speaks perfect Spanish, probably. Perfect Spanish, my mother-in-law. And Italian, your wife speaks Italian. Pela, pela. Yep, mother-in-law, like, I mean,

English is her second language, but it's like dicey. Kids speak Spanish. And you've not picked up, oh boy. Not a lick. Not a fucking lick. It's hard bro, cause it comes at him at different speeds. Yeah. So sometimes it comes out real fast,

then it comes out really slow. I'll note, like I can make out what they're saying if I know the topic they're talking about. But your son speaks it fluently. Both kids speak it, yeah. Wow. Yeah, so my son you saw my son, too My son was he learning that from his nanny only speaks Spanish to him and he watches Spanish TV. So slight like yeah

My two-year-old is uh, literally speaks fluent Spanish. Like he understands as much Spanish as English. It's crazy Yeah, she speaks to him only in Spanish I'm like how the fuck and then he'll sometimes speak to me in Spanish and I'm like I don't have to look at my wife go with the fuck. I don't know my my son asked for snacks in Spanish. I'm like bad. It's just you and me This ain't happening it's not happening like I have no glory title is it's do you know my yeah I just go poor gay poor gay. No, okay. There's no it's not happening But you got a you gotta speak English around here, But your Spanish is like West Coast Spanish like yes slang slang. Yeah, the slang when I was doing my special I was saying stuff like

Miss Breca's my breaks and that's not a that's not a Spanish word. It's a word made up Gato That's car is car. Oh, but I'm ever saying Breca's and the correct way to say breaks in Spanish is Frenos, which I didn't know. Yeah, I didn't know how to say breaks in Spanish is frenos, which I didn't know. I didn't know how to say hallway, because I just go. Whish. Go down the hallway.

Which way? Ballera. Whish. But it's pasillo. I know how to read Spanish, and I just don't know something what I'm reading. It's not interesting like an American who grew up, you know, obviously Mexican descent, but if they learn Spanish in America, it's different. The true Mexicans, like,

it's almost frowned upon. Yeah. Like my, like my brother-in-law, he grew up in America, not like my wife, but he grew up here and they'll make fun of his Spanish. If you're speaking Castilian Spanish, they're like, get out of here. Yeah. I don't know what that means. But it's like Spanish Spanish. Yeah. But yeah, they'll be like, oh of his Spanish. If you're speaking Castilian Spanish, they're like, get out of here. Yeah, I don't know what that means. But it's like Spanish Spanish. Yeah, but yeah, they'll be like, oh, his Spanish isn't good. I'm like, it's Spanish, isn't it? But back to your son learning Spanish, when they're young, they'll pick up whatever you're giving them.

So same thing with baseball. When he first started, they go, is he right or left handed? I go, he's right handed. So make sure he's only hitting from the right. And then one of the coaches like, don't tell him he's right handed. No, I go, he's right handed, so make sure he's only hitting from the right. And then one of the coaches was like, don't tell him he's right handed. No, don't tell him. They're like, watch this.

So they threw him a ball and they're like, put it in your other hand. They don't even tell him. Don't tell him he's a boy. Yeah, don't tell that. Yeah, it's different, yeah. Let him pick the dress. No, he.

He's a baby. If you don't tell him, so now he can switch it. He doesn't comprehend it and most people smart because Society we're like no he's right-handed, but he doesn't so I like oh baseball left or right we bat left or right? Yeah, play baseball so this did this Institute this guy said he was talking about he said When a kid makes a drawing for you and brings it to you right people go like this they go um. It's really good I love it. Great job.

But what he says is way better as to say, wow, how do you feel about that? How does that make you feel? And the reason is, is because you want to make sure that like, if you say that's really good, great job, they become externally driven. So they're always looking for someone else's approval as opposed to getting them to make some successful, but no, because what they'll do is you also want to make them kind of like, kind of go, how do you feel about that? What, what is it doing to you? Is it an honest expression?

No, it's interesting because my son brings me a drawing. I go, how does that make you feel? Yeah, but, but I know I don't do it either. We're not raised that way. But nobody is. No, but it's interesting cause it makes you kind of start to key into how you feel about things and it keeps you It keeps you looking for outside. I guess so. I guess the idea guess there's some to that That's also a little bit of woke bullshit. No, but but there's something like psychologically I don't know if I guess I guess because that's all we ever do but but he's also looking for the approval

He's dad. So if you never go man, that's really good, right? He doesn't know right. How's that make you feel? I drew it. What do you what do you think? Is it good? I'm fucking eight. Yeah, so I think there's a fine line there They need to calm down that like my son came home with a painting It's it's it's a little I've never done it But my son came home with a Martin Luther King drawing they didn't can draw, you know I can draw my dad can draw my grandpa can draw like he's creative. So he came up with a Martin Luther King picture for uh, uh, Black history month and the nose is so big Then the nose is like this he brings to me and he goes dad. What do you think? Oh my god, dude

I said this for black history month. He goes. Yeah, that's cool. That's cool. That nose though, right that nose you gotta be Careful my wife's like stop. I'm like'm like, but the nose is so big. You're just being honest. Life's gonna save you no sense. And he goes, dad, that's how his nose is. Life's gonna save you no sense. I go, I know. I said, it's good that you don't have social media,

but you can't post this. That's why you say the drawing for your kids, because I remember when I was down and out and I was on crack, and I was depressed and doing a lot of drugs. I would draw, right? I would draw, and then one day, I forgot I drew something. So my wife, I brought it, she came over to my house,

and she was cleaning, helped me clean, and I was not there, and she pulled the refrigerator out, and there was a bunch of paintings on the back of the refrigerator. That you had done? Yeah, and then my wife said what'd you do that for and oh Yeah, I think I was drunk and my dad never put my shit on the refrigerator So I decided to put it in the back of the refrigerator That's some deep

Fucking that was that how fucked up I was I had drew I had painted a That's some deep shit. Psychologically, that's fucking. That's how fucked up I was. Damn, bro. I had painted a Van Gogh's bedroom in the back of the refrigerator with oil paints. Damn. You were high as shit. You were high as shit. Psychologically, you're so intimate.

Yeah, because I remember. So, dude, was your parents together? I would give my dad, I remember because my dad, I remember my dad never like Acknowledge the paintings whether he said I'm harder than make you feel. Yeah, you just like He's just like I guess like you just look you know, you just oh, you know, huh? You wouldn't pay attention Is your huh? What'd your dad do? He was a wilder a wilder. He was Did you have a good relationship with him? He worked all day.

Yeah. I don't want to brag, but I had my mom and dad there. Yeah. Slight flex. Yeah, man. Yeah, but that was funny, man. My wife saw the painting in the back of the refrigerator.

You just want them on the fridge. Bro, that's a bad thing. She wanted to be in the front of the fridge with a magnet. It's so psychologically. I put all my son's paintings on the fridge. Yeah Oh, I do I do think that you can kind of like be too positive with your kids sometimes like it's like Yeah, that's a man. Everything you do is amazing No, they're not things amazing, but if they put time into it, but if they've a time it's a good painting

We'll put it on there. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, what do you got chin chin did you draw as a kid you're artistic Artistic. Yeah. Yeah, definitely draw make music all that stuff. Even when you're a kid you make music Is your dad so what I would die like last year like I'll finish right so go ahead good. I'm sorry No, go ahead. Sorry. Yeah, just bro What are you? My dad My brother do this my dad died last year It's all good. It's all good. It's all good. That's funny you said it. Hey, Chin. Fuck you, I grew up.

I'd rather do this. My dad died last year. I'm sorry, buddy. And I remember I was making this joke video and then somehow there was a picture of my dad's photo from the funeral. Oh yeah, and this is guy right here that went his whole life without giving hugs

and saying good job. You know what though? It's dark. That's part of what made you a comic. Yeah. I swear to God. Because that's where you're looking, right? For that validation somewhere else.

Yeah, the laughs, getting validation. Or a tag from him or something. Yeah, give me a tag to punch up the jokes, pops. I always say that I'm a comic because I was moved around constantly. And my dad was always traveling. My dad was just, he was always gone. I'm not saying he was an absent father, but he was just, he was working all the time. You a salesman? Hmm? Salesman? he was always gone. It's not I'm not saying it was an absent father But he was just he was working all the time. You're so man Salesman he was a banker. Oh, so he was just always somewhere else and he worked for the government. He worked for CIA

I mean nice day whatever he did Yeah, but he was always gone So so so and then I we would be moved every every time to a different So you have to kind of like if you want attention, you got to get funny. But it was especially when- You were the mob? CIA, so yeah, mob. Yeah. My dad was the mob.

We were rich once, twice. Once, before everybody went to jail. Back in the day, especially when you were born, your dad too and mine, it was just times were different. Like dads worked. Yeah. That's the way they provided. Everyone's like, man, you're dad.

And now we look at it like, oh, that's, as the woke people say, that's child abuse. Your dad's never been your dad and like now we look at like go that's you know As the woke people that's that's child abuse your dad's never I know right now man. He was fucking well leading by example Try that then just just trying to make it in this world and make enough money I don't know about you guys. It's it takes all of me. It's fucking hard like it's not hard Now's a little different where dads like like my dad, you know When I was playing growing up playing football, whatever was baseball football really? He couldn't come to the practices and no I'd get myself there. I'd walk there with my all my shit Yes, he's some of those joke about that. Yeah, but hold on

So I would I would always walk to practice now like I haven't missed my son's practice in I don't know two years Like I go to every single practice. My dad can't. No. But he also worked the nine to five. Right. So, but it's just, especially out here in the valley, like things are different now where these dads are at every single thing, which I don't think is good. Why? Too much pressure?

Yeah. You gotta let the kid learn. You gotta let him like fly. Like he has to learn on his own. If it's for him, I'll figure it out. Get bored. Yeah. Like fly like he has to learn on his own if it's for him. I'll figure it out. Good board Yeah Like when you're a little kid playing baseball, right? Um There was do you remember that kid who was left-handed didn't have a glove Yeah, let's go to the next year and borrow it. Yeah, and they just threw it as that rather than every handed to him Yeah, they always start to hear

Yeah, they always start to hear. Yeah. Why is that? Yeah, they never do. That's so funny. Yeah, they never just go, here you go, man. Can you borrow a glove? Like, fuck. It's just like this fucking. There was always like, growing up playing baseball, I

was okay, but didn't suck. Right. And I remember the kid who sucked. He had all new shit bro and and there was always that kid that was badass who didn't have cleats yeah so he had to take his cleats and give it to him and then the other kid forgot his hat so this guy had to give his hat to that kid oh this guy a fuck has no t-shirt now he forgot his t-shirt he has no dad so this guy's has no t-shirt now. He's got his t-shirt. He has no dad.

So this guy's in a fucking, I remember having seen this kid in a dugout with no cleats, no jersey and no hat, just his fucking, um, his pants. Somebody's coming into him. Rooting. Yeah, because they can give it to the good kid. Rooting, bro. And now, but now you can't have a kid like that, you know. Now that kid has to fucking play now. yeah that yeah it's not good right no we keep score you do yeah I make sure we keep going yeah we keep score and then

also it's just different too where like travel ball used to be something special travel if you want to travel ball you're a something special. Travel. If you were on a travel ball, you were bad ass, bad ass. You're a travel team, man. Trapped like, but now what happens is their parents, these rich parents, their kid doesn't get selected for travel ball. So now there's no beer for entry. So the rich parents are like, okay, we're

going to create our own. So now travel ball is not special anymore. You have every slap, Dick and Harry on a travel ball team. That's why there's so many travel ball teams and there's so much money into travel ball So now when a kid goes I play travel ball back in the day like damn. It must be pretty good now I'm like, oh cool. Yeah, it doesn't mean much anymore

Now there's some teams like the team my son's on these other teams where you got a you got to try out It's it's an elite group, but they're playing other teams where the rich parents just put the team together They get their ass what like those kids should not like there's a kid, you know I coach and you do what you can, but some of those kids shouldn't be out there man. And the dad, what for whatever reason, wanted to play for the Dodgers, didn't work out, so he's forcing his son. It's like, and the kid's like in right field,

like staring the wrong way. Eating bugs. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he'd rather be drawing or some shit. He's right handed with a left handed glove. Yeah, yeah. But it's heartbreaking, you drawing or some shit. He's right handed with a left handed glove. Yeah. But it's heartbreaking. You're like, just get them out of here, man. Cause it's embarrassing for the kid.

He realizes he's not like the other kids. Like dude, you're setting him up for failure. Yeah. I don't think you could say easy out no more. No. Yeah. Dude, that's all I used to get. I wasn't.

Dude, we had this ref who didn't, he's Mexican ref, big dude. He was an hump. And I used to get. I wasn't. We had this ref who didn't get his Mexican ref, big dude. He was an ump, and I loved this dude. Because the kids, when they, you know, in MLB they're like, strike, and you know. But now at the Pee-wee level, the Little League level, they'll do it, strike, so they don't embarrass the kid. Travel ball, playing against all Mexicans,

this Mexican ref goes, the kid like kind of, and he goes, yes you did! Yes you did! Strike! I'm like, oh I like this guy. Damn. Yes you did! Damn. Yeah, he got into it. Baseball for me was, I always wanted to be a good baseball player. Couldn't hit. I could grab, I could field, but I remember playing against this kid Mike Gomez who I think ended up playing a little, played like triple a ball or whatever But even when he was younger probably I was probably I don't know eight nine ten I don't know what it was. I couldn't believe how fast you can tell the difference I could not believe how fast he was pitching. I was better like, you know, we talked about like Tigers good So it's fair how long you can play Tigers damn good. He athletic. This team on Sunday they were in the championship travel ball team There I'm the only white person on campus if there's seven fields all travel ball all all Latinas. It's all they play

Oh, but Tiger had a rude awakening. This kid was throwing this kid's this kid was nine throwing consistently 60 miles an hour. Change ups, curve balls. Sir, no one got a hit off the kid. Well, cause your son's seven though, that's not fair. He's eight, but still he's playing with the nine-year-olds. No one got a hit off the kid. The kid pitched back to back games, which is illegal, but tell those Mexicans that they don't give a fuck.

He threw 150 pitches in one game. That's cause you can tell me John's surgery. That's crazy. I wouldn't let him do that. Would you? Oh, one of the coaches complained gonna be Tommy John surgery. He's nine. I wouldn't let him do that, would you? Oh, one of the coaches complained and the next coach was like, okay, didn't give a fuck.

Yeah. He was like, okay. And the dads are like, what's the issue? I'm like, oh wow. Tough as shit. I thought it was illegal to throw curves and change-ups in pre-weeks.

It is, because it fucks with their joints. Because I know I made you, the later on in, when you're 14 you can't, but not you're a yeah oh not the league we were right the way these kids do oh and then you stolen and then someone fouled one off and the coach fucked up goes you got his timing now the kid goes I look at the coaches going like this oh big Mexican dude he's doing all these hand signs I'm like the fuck kids starts throwing change-ups right down the pipe the coaches going like this. Oh, no. Big Mexican dude, he's doing all these hand signs.

I'm like, what the fuck? Kids start throwing changeups. What the fuck? Right down the pipe. The guys timing it, say less. No one's getting the kids timing. Damn. We played a travel. Tiger didn't get sniff a hit. We played the Montebello Dodgers

and they were a travel team. And that picture, man, we were just a team from the projects. We thought we were bad ass badass that kid struck out everybody twice There's some little gangsters. We're gonna beat the rest of the game. That's how bad it was Damn, I mean they used to go everyone sports for that though. It's just it's just clear. It's just like, you know Oh, I love it I like tiger got that life lesson so did the rest of those kids that thought they

were the shit. Cause they're playing straight blue collared Mexican kids where it's like the one day I was talking to, cause travel ball is expensive. The one day I'm talking to the wife works, the dad works, the son's a super baller. And the dad's like, this is all we'd like. I work nine to five and I get off work and we

rush him. He has practice or games every single day. He's like, we don't go on vacations. Like our vacations are travel ball for my son. I'm like, God, the pressure. And you look at the kid, happy as fuck. So if you see like the tennis. I don't know if that's the way to do it,

but for them it was. The tennis circuit's that way. So I know somebody who played in the American circuit. I said, you know, he was like number 1,000 in the world. It's amazing, you know? Michael Kosta was like that. Michael Kosta, the comic, 1,000 in the world. Great comic. You? Michael Kosta was like that. Michael Kosta, the comic, thousand in the world. Great comic.

You talk to Michael and Michael will be like, he's like, well then you're competing with the Russians and the Serbs and the people that live in a van. I saw these satellite pros, I was in the south of France. I saw these satellite pros, the guys were trying to make it into, the men and women are trying to make it in the bigger. They live in a van with their Russian father.

Down by a river. Literally in a van. I'm not talking about a nice van, I'm talking about a V in the bigger. They live in a van with their Russian father. Down by a river. Literally in a van. I'm not talking about a nice van. I'm talking about a VW van. Hell yeah. And they travel all through Europe together. And they eat. Trying to make it. And they're trying to make it.

And they train like that. Amazing. It is, they sleep in that van together. It's the most. But that's when you realize, that's what you're competing with. I got to try to tell my son this. And I think he realized it

because that travel ball team on Sunday, which you know is in Sino, we get there, there's, I don't know, it's probably 500 baseball players and that's just one weekend. And those are just, and those are just a fraction of the teams. What? Think how many teams, how many people, how many kids are playing baseball? That's why baseball is the toughest sport to make pro. So many people fucking play. So it's like, you think you're special and then you meet this Mexican kid from fucking Hacienda Heights where that's all he does.

It's just they're just different bro. They're just different animals. It's all he has. He ain't playing with toys and Game Boys and PlayStations. He's fucking playing baseball. That's what you're competing with. So nuts. That's why they make it man. Cause on dad never threw grounders at me. I

Needed a white dad man to get me up at six. Yeah, come on Tommy. You gotta get this bar You gotta be better than blacks. You gotta be better than meskis. You gotta be a top of your game You know, it's breathing baseball ball about the grand ball. It's going to sleep with a baseball bat Yeah, is it funny Felipe that like thank God all that, because you're a great comic. And you're also really unique. Like, your rhythm, you're one of the most unique. Super unique. You're so unique.

Like, you're an original. And your work ethic. Like, whatever, obviously, I see on Instagram, it's like you're always on the road, Doug. Like an old school comic. You're just always on the road, I see. Yeah, man. I'm going to plays I've never been to. Yeah, because that's who you are. You don't have kids right?

I have, yeah. I'm an empty nest bro. I didn't grow up with them. Oh, but you did. No, I'm a grandfather now too. I have two grandkids. Oh, so you did have kids? Early? Early. I had my first son in high school. Oh shit. Wow. His mother told me she was pregnant in one of those little papers.

Yeah. Oh my. The other thing. Are you pregnant? Yes, no, one, two, three, four. Oh shit. I was young, man. I remember she told me she was pregnant

and I told her, like I didn't know what to say. I just said, man, that fucked up. It was that I'm pregnant and now that you, like I didn't know what to say, I just said, man, that's fucked up. It was that I'm pregnant and all that you're going to raise a baby by yourself. Jesus. But it worked out alright because when I won last comic standing, she went after, she's powerful child support that day.

Of course. And she became the last big mama standing. White tennis shoe for everyone. White tennis. You have. White tennis shoes. You have a relationship, and just, how many kids? I have three kids, and I have four kids, because I raised my wife's son too. I met him when he was three, so.

Yeah, that counts. And he's 21 now, 20. Damn. Damn. So wait, so you, then what about your two biological kids? I have two biological kids. I didn't grow up with them. The mom boned out with someone else. And then I had another son when I started doing stand-up.

And are you in his life? Yes, he's the producer of the What's Up Fool podcast. So he works on the What's Up Fool podcast and sells merch, trying to pay back that child support. Question is, do you put his drawings on the front of the fridge? Did you learn from your dad? Hell? No Do you get do you get along with you? Do you do you have are you in contact with your first son? Yes, he works for For FedEx, he drives around I love that. It's so cool. And then my daughter she lived in Sweden Really? She married a guy over there damn That's your first child. No, it's my second child Wow

free um Free medical she says yeah Yeah, that's watching you some current events like sure life. Let's take a little break here This one's important all the fire kid listeners boy. I have an exclusive offer for you guys Fuel craft survival is designed to get you ready for all things in life when things go south and you're unprepared There's nothing worse you need to prepare for disasters. Whatever's happened You can't predict what's gonna happen, but you got to be ready to go That's where fieldcraft survival got you covered the be ready to go. That's where Fieldcraft Survival got you covered. The Fieldcraft Survival app, they got you guys covered. They have Jiu-Jitsu, combative,

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Let me play Yeah You are yeah, who's your favorite fighter right now? Probably Gervonta's Davis cuz I'm Javante Davis Yeah, it's probably that is he's electrifying from Baltimore I know he's not yeah him Shakur like that whole weight class Do that whole division that whole division? Yeah, it's quite tough. I'm just now other than Ryan all of those guys that they promote or fire Yeah, all the right once a day. He's had some tough upbringers from Baltimore. Yeah, I don't like that Ryan guy He keeps going out. I hate him. I don't hate him. I don't hate nobody

Davis but one he quit but also I heard a story about his girl got pregnant, gave birth, and then he divorced her. That's fake. That's not real. God damn it. Shia LaBeouf, you think you know social media. He's talking about Gerovantis, right? Dog, wait a minute. Positive. So he fell victim to social media, which has happened to everybody so Ryan Garcia's Baby mama or yeah his wife had a baby and it comes out they divorced her that same day and Ryan's very clear about this. He's like no no we were separated. She had the baby the divorce They just announced it we've been dealing with this for ever

Social media takes it acts like I filed for divorce the day the baby was born he's like that's not real right so of course shia hears isaac that guy's a piece of shit shia more than anybody after the shit storm he's been through you know social media you're gonna judge a fighter ryan garcif social media that's stupid you're shy smarter than that he's better than that shy also Shy also fell for that Willy Wonka world, too 100% he did I don't know that shy knows boxing that much like I know you come Jervante Sounds like me. Yeah, I'm like, I don't know if you saw too much I mean, it's an electrifying division, but I'm like watching it going. I mean, of course Stevens Javante Davis, he knew the guys I mean, Javante Davis, he knew the guys. He said Shacor, he didn't even know his last name. No, yeah.

You're like, eh. That's like this comic I saw one time, a young guy, he said, who's your favorite comedian? Mitch Hindenberger. God, talk. Yep, yep. What else you got, Chin? Here we go.

So here's a good one. This 82-year-old homeowner in Dana Point, his house is literally falling off this cliff or Like I'm not leaving what I leaving And I guess they even brought a city manager out there to check the house and they were like at the moment It seems to be okay Damn, did you live in this? Yeah Look at this. I'll tell you why I mean if I'm 80 and single

Yeah, whatever. That's a cool story if I die with my house falling off the cliff, all good. Yeah, damn. If I'm 80 with, you know, six kids in the house and 12 grand grandchildren. Look at how nice that place is though. It was like when you're in a 5.6. I know you wake up and you just see the ocean like that. Wow, look at that cliff. Oh man, that house is that other house is not good either though. Wait, is this house the one on the left or right? The left on the left. I'm like, yes, suck my wiener. Yeah, that's fine. The right right. Very precarious. Right looks like it's hanging. I mean, dude, you're standing. It literally is. It's literally leaning over. What is it? You need

more dirt? I don't know, man, but the left more mountain really looks like the house is going like it's lip is protruding That looks like if you're on the if you're sitting if you're on the the front porch or the back porch You're you're at a slant. That's not if me and Felipe jumped on that deck that things going over Yes, yeah, that's great. Good morning neighbors I'm with the old guy the 80 year old on the left of now fuck off I'm not leaving my house the far right yeah hard pack yeah because that though you're right because the one on the left is really kind of like on steady ground

yeah yeah it's gonna be a hot say he's me dead by time I think over but the other one is irresponsible other one looks like one my son is crawling. That's fucking crazy. It's terrible. Yeah it does. It looks like a... It's just a little lopsided. Yeah it's nice. It doesn't look well done. No. The structure's all fucked. Where's Dana points that out in Orange County issue? Yeah. By me. So nice out there. Fuck it's nice yeah. Okay this was a funny one. So these squatters set up in this Hollywood, like Hills mansion. And the two people that own the house were going to go show it and they go and they find all these people in the house and an OnlyFans bottle comes to the door with a fake lease agreement that says I'm renting a room here. So whoever-

That's what they do. The first squatter is renting out the rooms and making money off of it. And LA's so wild that they protect the squatter. Yeah. The cops came and were like, what do you want us to do? Oh, I've seen this before. You can have a lease agreement and it's just a piece of paper. People can stay in your place for as long as they want.

You can't do much to get them out. Just be careful. It's a piece of paper. But a high profile house like this? No, they can. They're squatting and the laws protect them, where you can't really do much against them. It's insane today I was at the Dodge dealer today dealing somebody dropped one my car cars up there and the guy I've known forever

He goes He goes. Yeah, man. So last time I see I go what the fuck is I'm getting out of this shithole I'm like, whoa, he's like about a bunch of property in Nashville. I'm not fucking out of here He's like so I'm out of time for the LA's on fire. I'm like, okay. LA's got big problems. This is one of the examples of it. I was like, Jesus Christ, man.

I was like, see you later. Squad are right. It's 7.30, bud. Yeah. But it's true. He was like, this place is the purge. LAX on a Sunday night? Go pick somebody up there and see how it goes.

Tell me how that goes for you. How busy it is? It's just the infrastructure. It can't handle all the cars. But they're doing a, they've's, it's, it's just the infrastructure. It can't handle all the, but they're doing a, they're, they've been, it's been under construction for five years. Let's be done soon. Yeah. I never see them working. I never saw. I've never seen them actually work. They're never always under construction. It's like New York in the seventies.

It's like the big dig in Boston. Yeah, exactly. Right. When you fly American and you're like gate E 76, I only see deep and they go, Oh yeah. Take the shuttle. Oh, no, well kill me I want to well fucking kill me. I'm always I have to take a shuttle. Yeah LA's got some see when LA that projects gonna be done. Oh, yeah, so full of shit. It is the worst run city, man I got five. They're making a catwalk right now. Yeah, you walk from Southwest to United. Oh, yeah, that'd be nice That's it. Well, you know instead of playing Frogger right across Multi-factor, I don't know good. I put LAX

2020 no, no, no, no, that's Improved the target completion date prior to the 2020 Olympics bullshit. So we're looking at four years. God damn They've been doing for ten. That's a nightmare. It's just such bullshit. And they're not working. We'll go through 2030, it says. We'll look forward to that. What? What else you got, Jen?

So this is wild. This groom, I guess, so the groom has a lot of money, wealthy family. His wife that he married came from a poor family. The mom was so against this. She started faking heart attacks and faking ailments to try to get her son to leave the Beyonce. It still didn't work. Nope and then on the day of the wedding paid some random three people to throw red paint all over the bride's wedding dress. She's pretty gangster. I mean, I don't even know what to say about this.

I hate this because a wedding is like when you're really excited and then. Look at that. Oh, wow. She had to go home and change. Damn, what a terrible mom. What a terrible mom and what a terrible wedding. What a bummer.

That is some white shit, though. I knew they were white. Yeah. I knew they were white. The groom was born to what, wealthy people? Go back. Yeah, I think Sonal said that, right? Yeah. I knew they were white. Basically, wealthy people go back. Yeah, I think it's not said there Yeah, I knew their wife basically the groom has money

She doesn't yeah mom didn't like it. Yeah Not it chin. Thanks. I sold sold and I'll be in New York's tickets at the funny bone and that's March 16th There's not a bad actually. Well No, I was thinking about Buffalo Albany's the capital always tough Albany's tough. Then um, I'm in helium comedy club in san luis richmond heights That's where the mall is Yep, damn you're all over brother. Wow, then san luis abyspo santa barbara santa barbara's monterey Damn, that's nice though. Seattle, neptune Neptune theater for the first time

Seattle Neptune Neptune theater for the first time Morgan Griesburg, North Carolina comedy zone Boy, you're on the road, man It's pretty what's the site we're gonna get tickets chin at Philippa world.com tour flip a world Calm. All right, brother. We appreciate man. We have 29th March 29th find kids back in Austin Come see me and brian live podcast. That's march 29th one show only 7 30. It's on a friday now bricktown comedy club, Tulsa, Oklahoma I'm there march 15th and 16th Felipe. We love you, man. Appreciate brother. That was great