The Fighter & The Kid - Throwback FAVES with Chris D'Elia & Will Sasso | TFATK Ep. 1012

Episode Date: July 25, 2024

We pick some of our favorite moments with Chris D'Elia & Will Sasso on TFATK, enjoy! We'll be back to regular episodes on Tuesday! DraftKings - Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app and use code: FIGHTER Sportsmans Cove Lodge - Sportsmans's Cove Lodge - http://alaskasbestlodge.com/ Use code “TFATK” at checkout for 10% off your first trip! Stamps.com - Get a 4-week trial, free postage, and a digital scale at https://stamps.com/fighter CBDistillery - Visit https://cbdistillery.com/ and use code: FIGHTER for 20% OFF True Classic - Go to https://trueclassic.com/FIGHTER and unlock big savings when you bundle items sitewide #trueclassicpod #sponsored JOYMODE - https://usejoymode.com/fighter or enter code: Fighter at checkout for 20% off your first order

Yes we did, cause we back at it again, it's the fighter and the kid This is really the fighter and the kid Come on baby Don't fucking come in How you doing man? What's going on? Good to see you Don't come in with a cowboy hat

Nice hat Thanks No, it's not a nice hat, you don't come in here You, are you doing it? Huh? Are you doing it? Alright man Just, are you rolling? Are you doing it? Huh? You doing it?

All right, man. Just, are you rolling? Yes, I'm rolling. This fucking guy comes in with a hat, sunglasses, and a gallon of water. You, we got the same boots. Yeah, these are my Blundstones. These are my Blundstones. Okay, well.

Hey, looks like we just started the new ad campaign for Blundstones. Ha ha ha! These are my Blundstones. These are my blunt stones. Okay, well. Hey, looks like we just started the new ad campaign for blunt stones. Ha ha ha! These are my blunt stones. These are my blunt stones. You got chocolate in my blunt stones. You got peanut butter in my blunt stones.

Take it easy. Guys, good news. Jesus Christ. Will Sasso is taking over for Brendan Schaub today. Don't just throw things. I'm not! Just fucking this tiny-ass shit table, man. Well, don't bring a fuck. Get some real furniture. shit table man don't bring up real furniture has been on the air since iPods existed do you know that iPods don't exist anymore yeah I do no you don't yeah yeah I do

no don't do the base thing well I'm not doing the basing this is my natural resting voice I don't know about that I'll tell you something you um fuck this doesn't run it that's a water cooler sized Yeah, Tanner, right? Okay. Ha ha everybody knows we it's so annoying. We that I drink a lot of water What do you want today? Why did you? Here's what I want. What do you want? Here's first question. Here's first question Who the fuck do you think you are wearing a hat like that? That's actually a really good question, Brian.

Yeah. And I'd like to just, listen, I want to talk directly to your listeners. Okay. They know that every time. You want to tell them about me being in Tempe this, tomorrow, Friday, Saturday, Tempe Improv? Ah, sure, I'll tell them.

Tempe Improv, Brian Callan. Bye bye bye bye bye, you said, do I want to tell them? Go ahead. Brian Callan will be at. Tempe Improv, Brian Callen. Bye bye bye bye bye bye. You said, do I want to tell them? Go ahead. Brian Callen will be at the Tempe Improv. It has 54 seats. No, it has a lot more than that. It's a huge room. I've never been there.

Well, if you want to come and open for me and be my fucking opener and get me water and towels, you can. That'd be great, but you know what? I'm not a stand-up comedian, Brian. I'm a serious actor, and I'm a serious human being. Yeah, well, what did you want to say? You wanted to talk to my listeners.

Every time I come on the podcast, it's your listeners know, and I love visiting your listeners. Some of your listeners have been our listeners on a former podcast. And it's an event. It's a reunion and it's a time for truth. So when you ask me who the fuck do you think you are,

and I know you're doing a bit, Brian, I know you like to do comedy. Yeah, I do. Yeah, you enjoy it. But I was serious about who the fuck do you think you are with that hat and those sunglasses. Every once in a while, you are serious. Yeah. I know my friend Brian,

and every once in a while he's serious. I'm gonna give you a serious answer, because again, I owe it to your audience. Yep. I know them, they know me. I feel like we're friends. Okay. And I'm gonna answer you honestly.

Go ahead. William Sasso. That's right, Brian. This is who I am. No. I'm Will. I'm Will Sasso. I don't need you to be sincere and do some... I don't know what you're doing here. These chairs are for narrow, hippid men.

Look you're a giant. You're a white Simone. We know that. But Brendan is a fucking world class athlete still. Does he still run in sand and shit? Yeah he does all that bullshit. He's got plantar fasciitis on his stupid foot because he's 250 pounds. He's actually 270, but he says he's just 250. Brian, just fucking, does he do it or not? OK, man. OK, the point is this.

And he runs. And his feet aren't made for his body weight. OK. But he also does a lot of ass work. He shouldn't run. He's fucking squatting down. Just climbing the stairs. He's going to put on weight. And all I'm saying is. Yeah, he's gonna put on weight and well when he all I'm saying is

Yeah, when he gets stressed, he puts on weight. So I'll look I'm saying I'm saying muscle Yeah, and his muscular ass should have a problem fitting in these chairs terrible chairs. Yeah the bad chair So anyway like this cuz my back doesn't like him. This is who I am and it's I think especially on a podcast Yeah And it's I think especially on a podcast. Yeah As as this podcast has grown and as podcasting has grown I feel that it's it's a medium that's matured and it's matured I gotta stop you here because I want to act because you're being very general and also very annoying So what I what I'd like to say is this what I'd like to say is this What what do you do differently now that you didn't do a year ago,

you pretentious hat wearing son of a bitch? It's a question. And if you start another sentence saying, Brian, I'm gonna hurl my body at your face, okay? I will fucking knee you right in your fucking chops. Now, if you start sentences with, Brian, I don't, stop being, don't, I see how you're, no, you're kicking, you're cocking your head.

Well, no. Don't do it. Comma, Brian, see, that one I started as well. All right, well. Well, Brian, here's the thing about that. You asked a very good question, and you said, who the hell do you think you are? Yeah. And you thought you were throwing me a fucking curveball. Yeah

Just fucking no cuz you usually say will a little Disney 1960s fucking, you know Donkey kicking a fucking football through the uprights Okay When you throw me a curveball, I go, yeah. No, because you go, usually you say I'm Will Sasso. This time you said I'm William Sasso. Yeah, that's my God-given name for my wonderful mother and father name. But I feel like it's a way of setting your heels, and now you're establishing yourself,

and there's no compromise. So what the fuck is different from the Yahoo that you were jumping around like a fucking, like one of those carnival barkers with no aim in sight, and just spinning around, okay, and bumping in the walls, which is what you do, you fucking human slinky, you human balloon. So now apparently you're different. So what's different about you?

Well, Brian, I thought. God damn it. It's like this. Answer the question, Brian. And it's a better question than your first question. Okay. And you know how to ask questions. Hell, you've got an incredible podcast

to your name that proves that. Yeah. Here's what's different about me. Okay. And I'm looking right in the camera right now, even though you can't tell because I'm wearing sunglasses. to your name that proves that. Here's what's different about me. And I'm looking right in the camera right now, even though you can't tell because I'm wearing sunglasses. Absolutely not, my friends.

The difference though is this. It's a simple one. So there's no difference. There's no difference in me. The difference is, I've accepted who this motherfucker is. God damn it, man. You sound like a bad Tony Robbins. What does that mean?

Who, so you've gotten down to the essence, you've got now, you've peeled the onion down to its sweet core. Yeah, that's right. We're looking at a sweet core onion right now. You can do, you can eat a sweet core onion one of two ways. Yeah. You can chow down on the baby, the little tiny onion,

you can find those sweet pickled onions in the pickle aisle Yeah, but you've been pickled and now we've we've we've gotten down. We're got a whole ass onion Yeah, you can do the work instead. Yeah instead of just picking off a baby like a hey, you know, what a fucking little You you peel you peel there after your eyes are watering Yeah, and we get down to that core in the middle. Yeah now now we're at the sweet core, and that's who you are now. And that's who you always were. That's who we all are inside, Brian. We're that sweet core, you know?

And I'm not afraid to show you my sweet, sweet core. So show me your sweet core. And I'm not talking about that sweet brown balloon knot that you're always on about. Hey, where's that award that I said I put in your asshole? Is that it? That's it right there. Yeah.

If you don't, and I'm glad that you have it there because just like these narrow ass chairs, that's a narrow ass table, which would make it hard for you to have a shoulder width squat stance for your feet as you drop it down and get that award in your hole. Hey, fuck. What the fuck? Put it inside of you. What the fuck are you? Put it inside of you. What are you talking about?

I'm not putting a fucking. I know you're not because you've accepted the award that I gave you like a year ago or something. I didn't. I had Oscar fever. I never accepted that in my ass, asshole. When are the Oscars? In the summer? I don't know, man. What are you? It's an outdoor event, right? Look, I'm trying to do a podcast and I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

You sound high. Pfft. Um. You sound high. Um, you do any fucking? Yeah, I do fucking. I don't know about that. Do you? Yeah, I do. Fuck. Why is your voice getting so high?

No, no, no. I do fucking. Oh man. I think I feel like you're lying right now. Oh sure. I do lots of fucking. How do you do it? Like, what is your favorite position?

Uh, what are they called again? Do I get a multiple choice? You're a fucking virgin, bro. Yeah, so? You're a big high-voiced virgin. So what? Aw, damn it. When did you lose your virginity, Jack? Oh, around the average age

that most people do. 27, something like that. Oh, man, I'm sorry about that. Did you cry? Oh, yeah for days, dude I just cried for days Yeah, I cried and I apologized yeah to the Lord you ever fart when you were having sex When do I not fart when you were having sex? When do I not fart when I'm having sex?

I can't get the tip of my shaft into the sweet folds of a woman's vagina without. The sweet folds. Because I need energy food, I need a complete protein before I have sex, usually amounts to a nice bowl of red beans and rice. Oh, Jesus. And I like, and if you're eating red beans and rice,

you know, you gotta get some onions in there. Oh, God damn it. And some banana slices. Why would you put banana slices in there? Pfft. Oh. It makes your, if you, it makes your balls vibrate. I don't, I never heard that.

I don't know if there's, oh God. All right, you wanna start this podcast? Yeah, yeah, let's start recording. All right, you wanna start this podcast? Yeah, yeah, let's start recording. Now, do you feel like, when you do a movie? I got American Woman is out right now. What's that about?

With Sienna Miller, Christina Hendrix, Amy Madigan, Erin Paul. Christina Hendrix. We play husband and wife, Christina Hendrix and I. She's so hot. Did you get to make out with her? Hey man, no, it's not that kind of movie. No?

Huh? Is she married? Yeah. Bring her husband up, she's so hot. So, Sienna Miller's husband? No, Christina, she had is she married yeah, bring her husband up. She's so hot so yeah, no He's husband no Christina Hendricks I remember seeing her on an audition before she was famous and and being mad that my life I was so mad I couldn't Date her she was that hot. I couldn't believe how hot she was for errand

Who's that guy? Who's that fucking guy? I got it obviously I can I can date her Who's that guy? Who's that fucking guy? I got it. Obviously I can date her. Who's that guy? What's that guy do? Oh, is she divorced her husband? Oh no. She's single. No, no, no, no. She walking around single Jack? She was the best looking woman I'd ever seen in my life. I never forgot it. Oh, I was like, oh my lord You're the best looking woman I've ever seen who the fuck is he? Hey, dude, what's he do I'm asking you are you talking to me? Yeah, so American woman is out and in select theaters now And you know probably go further nationwide at some point So go check that out. It's Yana Miller and I just asked you a question. She's a Hendrix. What is her self?

I'm in it. I'm in the movie. Oh man. You're bugging me. Oh, and then your good buddy, uh, Joe Carnahan's boss level, Frank Gorillo and Joe Carnahan's boss level. Oh yeah.

You're coming out with that. That's going to be exciting. I can't wait for that. And then after that, then what? Um, well, I just feel like you can do a movie and it doesn't matter what movie and it used to be you do a movie and it was like a big deal and now I feel like everybody does a movie and no, nobody talks about it.

I don't hear about it. And it's just, it's like, we're good friends and you don't know that I have a movie out and you wouldn't even have to ask me back in the day would just be on entertainment tonight. Exactly. I'm Mary Hart and a movie come out with people into it. Yeah. And now it yeah and now she talks and now it doesn't matter like now I don't know now it feels like as good

as the movie is six people see it somehow yeah all right well you know I'm picking up what you're laying down you know and but let's let's you know let's hope this movie does I'll tweet about it better than don't tweet about the fucking what is it 2011 make it I'll make a little tweet about it better than don't tweet about the fucking what is it? 2011 make it I'll make a little tweet about the moon. I can make it big for you. There you are All right. There we are. They are director Jake Scott in the middle there. Yeah, that's at the Toronto International Film Festival. So We do showbiz Brian and I yeah. Well, there I am back there It looks like a heavy movie. Yeah, it's very heavy. It is? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What's it about, drugs? No, it's about Sienna Miller who's, well, there's Sienna Miller and I don't want to give away too much. Wasn't she the one married to Jude Law? Look dude, I don't fucking read People magazine for fucking sake. That's the fucking question.

Chin is nodding, yeah. Yeah, I think so, yeah. He's looking it up on his thing. Sienna Miller has a daughter and some shit happens. I'd just be like, hey, Sienna Miller, you're super hot. Just marry a rich guy. Uh, sorry, and a movie. Ryan would make a really good- Go to the Beverly Hills.

Very good movie executive. Go to Nobu. Pre-Me Too. Go to Nobu or Wally's in Beverly Hills and just marry one of those guys and then buy shit Yeah, I said it what's uh, Aaron What's Aaron Aaron Paul Paul like he's oh, he's a really sweet guy. He is. Yeah, he's a really really nice guy Yeah, Delia's good friends with him. Yeah. Yeah, Delia. Yeah, I think they go way back. Yeah

They're all friends. He's not a strange kid? Oh, they worked together on a movie when Chris was like 19 or 20 or something. Good actor, that guy. Yeah. Not a what? He's a good actor.

Not a strange bird? Not a little strange kid? No, no, no, no, no. Super down to earth, actually. Oh, nice. Really normal guy. We had a good time shooting that film out in suburban Massachusetts.

You're doing Loudermilk right now? Eating a lot of Indian food. Yeah, Louder Milk. We're going to go shoot Louder Milk. And then now we both have sitcoms on the ABC network. Yeah, we do. What's yours called? It doesn't matter.

What? Well, it doesn't matter. What'd you say? Nothing. Brian. It's not Skooled, right? And Skooled is the f**k in Oak Tree. Is Skooled spelled?

Schoole Apostrophe no it just no I bet it is no it's a D crooked No, it's not you up against the D like have a steer trying to push it back into place No, I'm not those gonna crawls gonna go across when watching dancing with the stars don't fucking do you and short shorts pushing a fucking D No, don't just I'll tell'll tell you what, you can push, instead of a fucking thick D, you can push this fucking award vzht into your shitter.

Why don't you get it lubed up with some red bean and rice farts, and then push it up your shithole. Don't disrespect me on my fucking podcast. You know what I love about this podcast so far? It's probably about 30 minutes old. Yeah. And you've gotten used to my hat.

I have, I've already so overwhelmingly ignored that it doesn't matter. What's with the hat? Never seen you in one of those. I just thought I'd wear a hat. Oh, I didn't know you were in the rodeo. But maybe you're a cowgirl. Oh, there he is.

There he is. There he, oh shit. Oh shit. Chris and Leah got a part in, I think the Zack Snyder movie, and I said, what are you playing? He goes, a helicopter pilot. What?

And I go, how do you do that? And he goes like this, get in! What's he doing? He's in the Zack Schneider movie, and he's playing a helicopter pilot. I go, what the hell? What kind of helicopter pilot? Exactly, and I go, what are you playing?

He goes, I just go like this. Get in! And he's holding it like it's a steering wheel, because he's never been in a helicopter. Yeah. Get in! That's gonna be a fucking sharp learning curve for the boy. Yeah, well I have a feeling

Dilea doesn't do any of that method work. He doesn't go and investigate or interview helicopter pilots or sit in a helicopter. The first time he ever sits in a helicopter will be when it's time to shoot. He will enter the hashtag helicopter pilot on Instagram and see what comes up. And that'll be the research for him to say, get in like he's driving a fucking Cobra in 1981 in! In 1981. See if you can name this movie. Guys in a helicopter. Shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot shoot Shoot women and children. Easy. You just gotta lead them a little less.

Don't lead them as much. Don't lead them as much. Fuck, what a movie. Fuck. Full metal jacket. Full metal jacket. Good God. Watch this.

Wait. I'll do it to the camera. All right. I am in a world of shit. That's right. Vincent D'Onofrio. Vincent D'Onofrio Vincent D'Onofrio. Oh fuck that movie is good. It's a really good movie It's a fucking incredible movie. I haven't seen that in a long time. God damn. He just goes crazy. Yep Yeah, you couldn't hack it. You would uh, what would I do? You'd be you'd be in court sucking your thumb Look at that. That is so scary. Oh fuck fuck, he was awesome. Yeah, he was.

Anyway. Yeah, he was. Well, American Woman is a movie like that. If you like, I don't know if it is. If you like Full Metal Jacket, you'll like. I don't know if it's in, no. Well, don't worry, you're gonna talk,

you're gonna talk shit about my movie? No, I'm excited that you're in all these movies. You've kind of been working a lot. You've been gone. Huh? You've been gone. Yeah? You've been gone. Yeah, I've been gone. I'm back.

I bought this hat the last week, speaking of movies, a couple weeks ago in Idlewild, where our good pal Marshall Cook was shooting his film. You're in it, I'm in it, Dali is in it. Yeah. Yeah.

Shaub is in it. Shaub is in it. Yeah. Chad Culchin was almost in it, but then he couldn't because, oh, I think Marshall cut the part. And so yeah, I was up there in Idlewild, shooting this movie and we all got hats. Nice. Congrats, man. That's a great story.

Hey, thanks, dude. Do you like that story? You ever ridden a horse? Yeah, I have. When have you ridden a horse? Only for show business things. Yeah. Big horse. Yeah, and I felt bad for the horse. Only for show business things. Yeah. Big horse. And I felt bad for the horse.

Very big horse. Yeah. Real big horse. Yeah. They're incredible animals. You've lost a lot of weight though. Not a lot of weight. I'm trying to lose a lot of weight.

Looking trimmer. Thank you very much. I'm playing the new. What are you, wait, what were you gonna say? Now, now Will. Well I'm not supposed to talk about it, but it's another movie. What is the movie?

Now, now please, no, no, because I can't know, I'm not supposed to talk about it, but it's another movie. What is the movie? Now, now, please, no, no, because I can already tell, please be honest now. I am on, I'm an honest guy, you're my friend, I won't lie to you. Okay, so what are you playing? You're playing the new. See, I wasn't, I've already said too much. Well I saw your- Because now people can Google that, Will Sassler's playing the new- Well they can see your mouth, your mouth went, and you were going to make a bee sound,

I think. Am I right? You're right. I was going to say a bee. Now maybe you can just nod your head or shake it. Now I want you to be careful, though. Because there are people listening, and you don't want to lie now, right?

Yeah, but are you going to tell them if I'm nodding my head or shaking my head? Yeah. For our listeners that aren't watching? We don't want to get nervous, though, and feel like we're back in the corner. Maybe you misspoke for a second, so not a big deal if you misspoke

and you can just say no, right, with this? Yeah, sure. Right? Were you gonna say that you're... Relax. Relax. I'm relaxed. Were you gonna say that you're playing the new

Batman? You can say no. He go. Good job. Now hold on. There was a small nod at the end of the shake. So no, right? No, I'm not. I'm not. So there wasn't a small. Okay, good. You're not the new Batman. No, I'm not I'm not so there wasn't a small. Okay, good. You're not the new madman

I'm playing someone else and it's a lot of people think that the part would have gone a different direction A lot of people were thinking perhaps it's time for a woman to play the role. Yeah There's been talk of Idris Elba playing the role, but the role has actor in Africa Yeah, yeah in, Brian just said. But. In Africa. Yeah, that's. An Africa actor. No, yeah, that's racist to say, in Africa.

That's not what we. Okay. Who is that, hey, who's that friend of yours who comes by, plays poker with the guys, he's got his daughters on the softball team with you? Oh, the Mexico? Don't do that, Brian. I don't know, I don't know how to speak about it.

I know, I know. You just, we talked about a movie that I'm in that's a really serious drama, and you talked about the two women and how you want them. Yeah, American Woman. No, it's the, oh. Let me be. Is that the soundtrack?

American Woman. That's the Lenny Kravitz version. I know. American Woman! American Woman! No. I'm not Batman. Robert Pattinson is Batman now.

Oh, that's a fucking. Cause whatever. That's a great choice. Robert Pattinson. He'll do great. That fucking guy is not Batman. I'll beat him up right now. What are we talking about? What, well Brian Callan wasn't available?

You got that guy? You got that guy with Brian Callan, a 52 year old not around? I mean, he's a good looking guy, but is he? Really good looking kid, he's got very intense eyes. Yeah, but I don't look at him as being, Batman's a tough fucker. Yeah, but they gotta like, they gotta re-up that character

for the younger generation. You know what I mean? Well, couldn't they have found a dude who did one sport? He played werewolf. He did? He played vampire and werewolf. Isn't that the- He played this fucking vampire who was all pale. Yeah, but that's- yeah, no, no, no. There were two teams. There was team vampire, team werewolf, and it was- Bring up more pictures of this fucking guy. I never saw the movie, but was a sport movie is he in shape Huh is he in shape or is he got a dancer's physique? I want my but you know, it's interesting Brian You're talking about being in shape. You're talking about dancers physique You got your bodies look sort of similar in that you have you know, two fucking tits

belly button Working out a lot at least but it's just still not, I mean, I just need a different... It's time for a new outlook on ourselves, our physical selves, and as you know, the body positivity movement is making great gains. What is that movement? The body posi movement. Okay, the body posi movement, right. And so, one of the things that's happening is we're seeing it reflected in our media, the body posi movement, right. And so one of the things that's happening is we're seeing it reflected in our media. Whether it's the internet, whether it's the magazines

that you buy, because everyone buys magazines. Yeah. Or the movies you watch. Yeah. Women are speaking a lot about wanting to feel good in the skin that they're in. Sure. Men too. And this role, I'm really, that I'm taking on, I'm really proud of the makers and I'm proud of the, I'm proud of actually, of the history of the part and that it's now come

full circle. So you're the new... But it's... So you're the new... Bond. I'm the new James Bond. Hold on. Okay.

Now- I'm the new Bond. All right. James Bond. Hold on. No, I know you said that. I haven't seen any of the films, but that's apparently, they say that. Well-

Because I said it at the audition They go you got the part kid and I went I'm the new Bond and they go Yeah, and I go James said they are you sure they said you're the new James Bond for the movies. Yes I'm the new Roger Moore and Roger Moore Sean Connery Timothy Dalton Pierce Brosnan, you're the new Bond. What was the other guy Craig? Yeah, Daniel Craig, right? So You're the new Bond. What was the other guy? Craig? Daniel Craig. So you're the new Bond.

Yes. Now I'm going to give you a chance. George Lazenby. Do you have any proof of this? Can you bring out Will Sasso James Bond? Yeah, why don't you Google it. But see, this is what's interesting about breaking some big news on a podcast. It's not going to be anywhere on Google.

This is a world exclusive. But please feel free. Well, wait, hold on. You just said it's not going to be anywhere on Google. Yeah because I'm breaking the news here I'm actually not supposed to talk about it. When did this come out? A couple days ago. So yeah there's nothing there.

No there's not. There's something about American woman on the top right. Yeah there's nothing I don't see anything of that secret. Yeah there's nothing about me nothing about because I'm just Because I'm breaking the news here. Okay, and Are you gonna use an English accent? Huh? Oh Yeah, no, they mentioned they said something about that. Look, it's more about two things. It's more about That you know bond was generally a very very and I'm an in-shape guy, but this is what I'm talking about.

I'm a, excuse me? Yeah, what? Well, let's just go with your hands first of all. He shoots a small gun. No way do your fingers fit. No way does that finger fit in the whole of a Walter PPK. Sure it does.

It just, there's no way that a Walter PPK. I don't know what that is, Ryan, but that's the least of our worries. You're making it sound like I got big. Walter PPK. I don't know what that is. That's the least of our worries. You're making it sound like I got big PPK. Like I got the kind of fingers that look like sausages that are busted on the barbecue when you leave them on the inside. You're like, we're good with the chicken. Yeah.

Leave the sausages on the grill and then, yeah, that's a Walter PPK. That's what that's what bond uses. That's a small. So what's that thing weigh about 14, 15 pounds? How big is it? What's it about that big? No, you don't know guns. That's a tiny gun. What? And you can you can fit it for a silencer if you if you've got the machinery.

All right. But the thing is that your finger doesn't fit in that. One of my fingers will. Okay, listen. It's not I'm not worried about that. We'll get a bigger gun. They'll make it bigger and we'll break other boundaries with this role of Bond. Um, like this one, you know, generally Bond has been an in-shape guy of one sort of stature. Now it's more this. Now it's going to be a real dude. You know what I'm saying? Another thing is traditionally- A bear of a man. Yeah, sure. Yes. A polar bear, a gentle polar bear of a man. Unless you get angry.

Unless you get angry, then I'm pulling a walrus up onto the iceberg using nothing but the strength of my jaws. And you can Google that video and your kids won't sleep at night. But I'll tell you this much, another thing that we're changing about the bond role is generally that's gone to a white guy. So now we're doing that a little differently with me. You're a white guy. So now we're doing that a little differently. Yeah. With me. You're a white guy. I'm 100% Italian, so please don't be a racist piece of shit.

Well, I'm not, that's, being a racist piece of shit. Yeah. You're pretty damn white and you got blue eyes now. Yeah, I know, but I know that. But I'm Italian. So that's different. And again, probably not.

Probably more of a Serb, right? No, I'm from, my parents are from Napoli, from Naples, Italy. I'm sure they came over from Serbia. You're a giant Serbian bear, right? No, no, no, no. Giant Serbian bear? You're a Serbian bear. Did you say Serbian bear?

I said a Serbian bear. I'm not a Serbian bear. But we're breaking new ground with Bond. I'm looking really forward to playing him and yeah, yeah, yeah, something, something British accent. I'll do my research just like Christopher is with James Bond that's shaking not stirred holy shit you should have been at the audition shaken not stirred James Bond yeah I was thinking about coming up with some new lines for it like like fucking I'm coming in there! I, it doesn't sound.

Be careful, I'm coming in there! All right, that's a really shrill voice. If there's, can you bring it down a little? Yeah. All right kids, just take a little break from watching the Throwback Thursday episodes while Brian Cowan's on vacation. July's ending with a big bang.

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MMA. Hey kids, if you want to go on the best trip of your life, I took my son on it, the whole Finally Kid crew went. I'm talking about Alaska. That's right, Alaska Go fishing with sportsman's Cove Lodge. They take care of everything. You're catching big fish halibut Salmon all sorts of stuff three to one angler crew ratio. It's the best the lodge is great Go to Alaska's best Lodge Dot-com and have a trip of a lifetime use TFATK at checkout for 10% off your first trip.

Buy one, get one, limit it to one person, very limited availability, check it out. Go to Alaska's Best Lodge dot com. Did we start? Yeah. All right, what do you hate? You'll show me your shoes and you go, they're so dope. They are, yeah.

Well, you're a grown man, you're 36, man. Don't talk to me about it. I'm young. You're 36. I'll let you know when I'm an adult, how's that? You only had a heart. I'll let you know when I'm an adult. How's that? You know, he had a heart I'll let you know when I'm an adult. How's that look? I'm a kid, bro I know I'm just a little pup. When do you think you'll go up? Oh cuz we were talking so young

We were talking before we got here. We're talking before he yeah, you're so young It's like our friend Stevie Brian goes bro. He just spent all day on Instagram. They went to the gym He's like 16 year old girl. Yeah, he goes and Brian goes, you know, at least he's young. I went, not that young. And Stevie goes, I am 32. Not that young, bro. It's well, we were talking about how like you like, I was thinking about working at Lehman Brothers and then kind of realizing, well, I said to Chris, as he got out of his car, I go, can you believe we do this for a living? The sun's shining and we get to go be silly geese. And then we do stand up and we get paid to, you know, to use our imagination.

It's like a dream come true. But I remember working at Lehman Brothers at a bank, waking up early, dude, and working it. And then I quit and worked at a restaurant called Bubbies. And I remember like waiting on actors and people in the business and they had long hair and they looked cool and they had nice clothes and they looked like they had freedom. That's what I think I was drawn to was freedom, the idea that they could do what they wanted and it seemed like it was so much fucking fun. Have you ever had a real job, Chris? Yeah, for like a summer.

What did you do? Like internship? No, I worked at Apricrombie and Fitch. No you didn't. I did. Were you the model or selling the same clothes? No, no, no, no, no. It was before all that shit. They did not have the model out front and all that. And you, when did you decide to be an actor

when you realized that you don't have bones? No, because you're so bendy and you're so, ooh. Yeah, but that's because I'm very malleable as an actor I'm very you know, I can just kind of like throw myself into the part I didn't know I just throw myself. When did you decide? Wait, did you I just always kind of thought I had yeah My dad was like dude my whole family's so silly and shit. They are right So I was like your father laughs his ass off at your stand. Really dude. I'm sad

I saw his father's a huge director producer. Yeah, yeah. I mean, he's done everything. Well, I mean, like some of the best TV shows ever, your dad was a producer. Titanic, Charlton. Yeah, he's Steven Spillard. No, not that. Simpsons. James Cameron. No, but he was in like so many great shows. And then, and he was sitting there watching Chris and laughing so fricking hard. Yeah, because he's like, I can't believe my, you know, like my fucking idiot son, I used to tell him not to do this shit. And now you, cause he probably thought you were gonna

turn out to be, let's be honest, kind of like that one kid. We all know that kid. Yeah, well I'm still that kid, I just make money at it. Yeah. I'm that kid, I just had a way to make money at it. Fuck that, being a banker and all that bullshit. Oh my God. I don't, like, never a way to make money out of it. Fuck that, being a banker and all that bullshit. Oh my God. I don't, like, never even was an idea that I could pursue.

Did you go to college? For a year. Where? NYU, I went to um. So you got good grades. I mean. It's tough to get in NYU. Chris is actually strangely disciplined

as much of a strange willow wisp that he is. No, I know that. I just won't, I won't do what I don't wanna do. Yeah, you're a trained love. I'm disciplined in what I wanna do. Yeah, and then when you do it you show up every day on time Dude, uh, I did fucking jujitsu for six years every single day. You did didn't yeah I wanted to do it. Did you ever get better? No, no, no, you're not you know, I got to a certain point I was like, oh these guys are competing. I don't want to compete I just want to do it

Well, it sounds if you sign up for jitsu you can go every day I think it that falls with everything in line So I'm assuming you just get if you like something you're just balls deep in like yeah committed Yeah And then I after that I like hurt my knee and then I did started doing stand-up and I was like, oh, this is my life How old were you then? 25 or 20. I mean not yeah, I mean no not yet. Chris used a feature for me and Dove Davidoff. Yeah. We would go down to Ahoy at the

comic store, which was awesome. Yeah. And then he was doing this fucking deer that got shot. And I was like, this motherfucker is doing a deer that got shot. And he was so physical. He was more physical than me. And then I would get up and do my physical stuff. And it wasn't, they weren't laughing the same way. I was like, this son of a bitch is more flexible and being even more ridiculous than me

I don't know and then he was like and then he goes you're the reason I do everything No, I didn't say that man. No, it wasn't even near that. I said, oh nice to meet you and then he would do This idiot we were all staying in the same condo and he would have Like I realized he was obsessive compulsive because he would change his shirt. He changed his shirt 13 times. And I go, I don't know how many times, and I go, and I would keep going, you're gonna wear that?

That was my shirt. Wait, different outfits? Like doing different shows? Or you have OCD? Yeah, I do. Do you? Yeah. But you know what I remember,

not to deflect it, we can talk about that, but you know what I remember, what I was saying about the other day, it was when we were at, in La Jolla, you did this, you kept doing this bit where it was like, where you were like, you told me to go to the Mac store and buy you a computer. Oh yeah. What was I doing? I was bullying you.

You would, the whole weekend you would just be like, go to Mac store and buy me a computer. And I would ask to borrow your girl for the weekend. Yeah. I remember all that shit. Borrow your wife. You guys would go down there and stay down there? Oh yeah, because I was married. He was married.

And I'd be like. You were married at the time? Yeah. I'd be like, let me borrow your wife for the weekend. I got these Russian guys coming in to town. Because you can't borrow my wife, bro. I go just to borrow for the weekend. But I remember.

How long ago is this? Eight years. Eight fucking years. But I remember, though, remember like you and Dove and thinking like, because you know comedians are so weird. A lot of them are. Yes. And when I met you and Dove I was like, fuck, finally dude, there's guys that are comedians

that I could actually hang out with. That you can laugh with and be silly with. Yeah. Because don't you think, this past week as you know, I've been out every night doing gigs. And I forgot how, in all due respect to most comedians, but I forgot how depressing being around most comedians just is. A lot of them.

Right? And I was like, ooh, this is tough for me at my age to hang out at clubs all the time. We were at the club and we found ourselves just sitting with each other. Yes. And we were like, man. I ourselves just sitting with each other. Yes. And we were like, man, I gotta get out of here.

Yeah. But I want to talk about something more important is that you're the kind of guy who sits down and reads a paragraph out of a book. Yeah, yeah. And that pisses me off. No, because you were boring me already. No, no, no, no. We sat down and he literally opened a book and starts reading and I was like, is Ren

just going to be here in two seconds? What are you trying to get done though? No, no, no. He's getting ready for his dropping dollars. Yeah, but now whatever that is pisses me off. I feel my brain pan and I like to, I like to get those thoughts out to other people as well. Okay, so you're my fan base. So what you're doing is, you're finding something so you can share it with the podcast, right? Yeah, okay. Yeah, they could just look it up. No Just tell them to look it up. Tell them to go buy the book. Yeah, tell them to go buy the book. No, no, no, no. It comes from my mouth. Brian's book of the week, baby. Yeah, you didn't do shit. No, listen to me.

You just reciting. Hey, we call it regurgitating. Yeah, you're like a mama bird. Hey, we call regurgitating. Yeah, you're like a mama bird. No Dating info both of you needs know something and the fan base is the baby birds and you're just Mama, yeah, mama bird. I'll open you. Hey open your fucking mouth. Yeah, baby birds. Don't do that So we agree don't do the dropping knowledge You don't come into my podcast and start rearranging our segments. You're a comedian. You make money talking about wanting to be a fucking Russian spy or whatever you thought about. That was my old shit. I'm doing new stuff now. So don't have a bit called dropping knowledge. Don't mock it. You have a bit about how you want to save a girl from fucking

the guys from Taken. Yeah, well that's- Don't have a bit about how you want to save a girl from fucking the guys from Taken. Yeah, well that's- Don't have a bit called dropping knowledge. Don't say it like that. Don't pause when you say it. Just say dropping knowledge, all right? I ate raw elk this morning, or almost raw, and I have a lot of energy. No, we saw the videos. Hey, look at me.

A lot of videos that, Lee, brother. Dude. A lot of videos. You take terrible videos. Don't say that. You do. The one at your restaurant, I usually never hate on your videos. Oh my God, dude.

He jumped on them like, I gotta jump in too, man. I erased it after you guys told me that. Dude, come on. It's my boy. Well, because it's beyond counting, it's my boy's restaurant. No, I can't believe it. I'm sure the restaurant's great. It's amazing.

But take a better video. That's what I mean. It looks so lowly and horrible. I realize that the video looks so bad. It literally looked like. And you know, it's a got the live music Yeah, and then it's not good. Then y'all mean Frank delicious spaghetti It's like God doing when you said that when I get a text and it just said hey

This video makes me really want to go to this restaurant you go sure does I was like My race immediately I got self-conscious immediately it was late though I know what you're trying to do right, but I watched it. It was late though. I know what you're trying to do. Right. But I watched it and I was like, well, this is the worst video. This is literally the lowest budget. I would never go to that restaurant now. The way it was shot, the way it was shot, the way it was shot, the way, whatever video

you put up there, it literally looked like the only person that thought it would be good is David Lynch. That's what that video looked like the only person that thought it would be good is David Lynch. That's what that video looked like. Oh my God. And you see a dead corpse in the corner with flies on it. You never explain why. David Lynch movies are so fucking weird. He's my favorite living director. No way.

No doubt. Is that right? Yeah. That's interesting that you like him. What movies has he done? So weird. Okay. Tell me.

Mulholland drive, uh, blue velvet, uh, lost weird. Okay, tell me it's a film. Oh and drive Blue velvet blue that was in lost highway Yeah, they're so good though, man. Yeah, this is my favorite movies all the time. So Holland drive I know is a huge movie. Yeah, but outside that blue velvet blue velvet with movies with with What year no Nicholas Cage was 1980? You're thinking of Con Air. No, no Thinking about what was the movie where he's like, this is a snakeskin jacket. Oh raising Arizona. Nope This is a snakeskin jacket a symbol of my individuality my belief in personal freedom

Nicholas Cage incredible movie an incredible movie. I don't know Brian's making up movies movies. Wild at Heart. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Did he do that movie? Wait, did he do that? He might have done that. Wild at Heart. Anyway, yeah, you guys are older than me. No, he might have done that. But it's fascinating that you like David Lynch because David Lynch is a filmmaker's director so he'll have scenes in his movie where you can't even understand what's going on. He did do that, yes. Yes.. Yes They'll be just somebody dead in a room. That's an incredible movie Wilder jacket incredible Oh, and it's so sexy and Laura Dern in that movie is sexy as always I did why did you and pigs he did Twin Peaks? Oh, I'm seeing it. It's so good, dude there's one scene in Twin Peaks where a guy's just eating this sandwich and it's so and he and he's eating this and there's like, and that's all the scene is. And he's like, oh, and he's

like talking to these guys and he's like, oh my God. And I think it's my favorite scene I've ever seen. Why? What is it? Because it's so specific and so weird and in like, if it teetered to one side or the other side, it will be horrible, but he finds this like Balance and wavelength Yeah, where that it's just so watchable and so good and so gutsy too, and it's so yeah It's just you love them to be well. He's such a ballsy

Artist like what's the last movie movie? That's so weird. He's such a ballsy motherfucker last one. He did. I don't know No, no, no, not make this cage. How dare you David Lynch David Lynch I Don't know he might have done one since one or two since He's such an interesting, dude Well, you do do this But he does like these short films. Like Rabbits is crazy weird.

I've seen like a lot of these. Rabbits is crazy weird. Have I seen any of his movies? How about, wasn't Jennifer Connelly in Mulholland Drive? Oh, Dune. He did Dune, right. I forgot about that. An Elephant Man.

What? Jennifer Connelly in, I think it's Mulholland Drive. No, she's not in that. What is she in? She's in... Wilder Heart? No. Jennifer Connelly, when she was younger, there Drive. No, she's not in that. What is she in? She's in- Wilder Heart? No, Jennifer Connelly when she was younger, when she, there's a movie where she's with John McAvoy.

Oh my God, oh my God. Some of those older actors, then you see them back when they were young, it's like Jesus Christ, no shit. But Jennifer Connelly in, what was the movie? She's the hottest thing on the planet. Career Opportunities? Well, that was when she was really young to shut out dot in

now she's she was eleven in that she's so ridiculous look at her just bring up some all yeah you kidding me yeah but of course i saw her in person i almost lost my she's in hulk for god's sakes no she's in a beautiful mind her face is ridiculous yeah lost my she's in Hulk for God's sakes yeah no she's in a beautiful face is ridiculous yeah beautiful my she's the prettiest girl I've ever seen to me she's really she's the end-all and be all oh for real oh like yeah of all

we can reach out there and figure her and then Rose McGowan but she's number one Rose McGowan yeah she's number one of all time for me of all time Rose McGowan a Jennifer Conway of of all time. Oh. And an amazing actress. An amazing actress. Oh, she is. Yeah, she is really good. She's also in that movie, Your Boy, Bradley Cooper. He's just not that into you.

She is cheated on. Oh, okay. Yeah. She's older now, but she's still a ten. No, she's still cool. Oh. Yeah, definitely. Not in my top three.

Who's your hottest girl of all time in Hollywood? Who's the one girl that's- That you've seen in person, because there's girls that you see like now Whatever, but then we see in person you're like oh God, I don't know Kate Beckinsale was for me or Sophia. They're I guess I thought Sophia Varaga recently She's a gara gara you guys are saying books ain't wrong Radica, how do you say? say be? Viraga. Viraga. It's actually, Viraga. Viraga. Viraga. We say Viraga. Viraga. That's not what it is. Viraga. She's so hot, she's 45, she looks like she's 30. She's even hotter

in person. Oh, top three would be Sophia Viraga and then Cindy Crawford. This is for you. This is for me. I saw Cindy Crawford in Santa Monica. She looks like she's from outer space. When I did Conan, she did, she was on it. She's like it when she was young. I don't piss you off. She was so fine. And then, uh, Kate Beckinsale, Kate Beckinsale. Yeah. She's always been my favorite Kate Beckinsale.

Really favorite of all time. Yeah. Wow. Ever since, uh, like before Pearl Harbor, you know, I asked who's the group you see celebrities who would be the one that, I don't know, is there one you see in person that you didn't think was hot? And you're like, God damn. Cause there's been some, I'm a little bit of a hater. Then I see him like, damn, she's actually really pretty. I can't remember. I don't really see that. Like, uh,

I don't, I just go to the comedy store and like, I don't go out. Yeah, you're in a sitcom though. Women like you, your girl is a ten, but do you, you used to be the strangest, most routine human being on the planet, nobody believes me, but I've told him, you would wake up at noon, you would go to Ralph's, you would have a turkey. Preaches his eyebrow. He would grab a, on white, this is what he'd do every day, every day, wake up at noon, he'd have a turkey,

mustard, onion. No, not mustard mayonnaise. Turkey have a turkey, mustard, onion. No, not mustard mayonnaise. Turkey mayonnaise, onion, sandwich, white American cheese, white bread. Oh, you're like Rain Man of comedy. No, listen to this. I wouldn't have white bread, well,

sometimes I would have a roll of cheese. What the fuck, every day he would do this? He would eat that. It's so good. Then you would go home. I like them too, Jesus Christ. Or we'd get coffee right after that. You'd go to coffee and you'd be on Facebook

and poke around. I used to do that, yeah. He like them too, but Jesus Christ. Or we'd get coffee right after that. You'd go to coffee and you'd be on Facebook and poke around. I used to do that, yeah. He'd poke around on Facebook and you'd drink coffee for a couple hours. Then he'd come back, take a shower, right? No, I would take a shower first. You'd take a shower first. Then you'd come back to your house after the coffee and what would you do? Probably just chill for a little bit.

He would chill for a bit after his hard day of getting a sandwich and hanging out and chilling at the coffee. We were doing a lot. You would chill and then you would actually then go out or you would write a joke Maybe yeah, I don't know. I would just wait to go to on stage. You wouldn't wait. You would do nothing You would wait at Chris. You're still at this No furniture in this apartment. Yeah, that's why I didn't have a couch for a while, but yeah Listen to this. I don't know. I would. I don't give a fuck about anything else. I just want to get on stage.

I know. That's what I think is amazing now. You just kind of kill time, do normal shit during the day until you get on stage. Now what do you do now? How has it changed? Because you're busier. Yeah. I wake up.

I do my... I work out. Do you really? Go for a walk or something? No, I don't go for a walk. Do you do push-ups or what are we talking about? I have a trainer. Um, do you really go for a walk or something? No, I don't go for a walk. Pushups. Okay. Do you really jump on a trampoline? Cause you were on that same text message is a group tech where he texts me.

He goes, Hey man, what do you think I should do for work? I'm trying to put on size. What does it matter? Man. Yeah. And I was like, it doesn't, I would do, if I had your body, I'd do nothing. Yeah. You know, a lot, you work out really hard, but you do it for your sanity?

No, he knows I don't blow the fuck up. Because that's not funny. But he knows a shitload about exercise, like way more than people realize, and a lot about diet. But he won't help me, he never helps any of us. That doesn't matter, does it? Keep it for yourself, no, it doesn't matter. But it matters to me, because I want to be in shape.

I don't want to help you. But you are in shape, you're 50 years old, look at you. I'm not going to be your train. Hire him. I'm going to have time to be your trainer. Yeah, be my trainer old. Look at you. I'm not going to be your train. Hire him. I'm not going to be your trainer. Yeah, be my trainer. Ten grand at a session. How much?

That's a lot of money, but he's worth it. I think it's worth it. I'm going to get cursed his body. I think it's worth it. Are you working him out? Yeah, do look at me, man. I'm the trainer. How much have you spent on Brendan already?

Shit, two, two. It's been 270, 270 grand. That's a lot of money. Yeah, we did 27 sessions. At least. But look at him, He's killing the game Hey, did you really hire a trainer? Yeah, why because I want it I want to be because I because I don't want to break down really. Yeah, I want I I was having like issues

I mean, I don't know I was just like tired and like my back was hurting sometimes just for overall health Yeah, cuz I think people don't take you see me when we do and obviously Do so much more stand-up time than I do? But when we do the live tours like when you're on your feet for four hours And you gotta go to bed in the next morning You gotta wake up again another four hours go to bed next morning four hours to travel and all that your back and your body It it takes it, but I do so many like he makes me do so many abs and shit And so now my back doesn't hurt It's crazy like yeah, and and does he come to your home where you go? Oh, really? Yeah comes to my mansion and then we just

Like a Kardashian well comes to your home Go to the gym. Yeah, I'd never I would never want to train to come to my home I like to get out fuck that Like oh we get out dude. I just want to wake up and have him there Which is what I do he comes out like 11 and he was like hey, man. Did you eat? I'm like no I make some more bitch. I just opened my eyes Do you ever say eat first? Say go ahead and get that oatmeal going bitch and you say no and then he did I say like okay And he's did you stretch and I'd be like yeah, but I didn't you know Yeah, and then and then you're about he's, did you stretch? And I'd be like, yeah, but I didn't. You know what I mean?

And then, and then you're lazy about it. How did you pick this trainer? Miles Gibrani, fucking, I don't, I actually don't know how, but he was telling me about how he was, he used to do it and he was great, and I was like, oh, maybe I'll see what it's all about. And then I just, he came over and I just liked what he was doing. How many times a week? Four?

Oh damn. Good for you. Maybe five? Let's say at least three. Maybe five. Does he ignore your legs because you can't do any weight bearing? Dude, I'm getting stronger. My pants fit differently now because my ass is higher.

Wow. It's a little higher. He's working that booty. Yeah. Yeah. Well, congratulations on... Thanks. There's a long way to go.

I'm surprised you got a trainer. Has your skin, do you think, has your skin ever seen the sun? Dude, I don't want it to look like leather when I get your age. That's not cool. Chris, how crazy, let's be real here, Brian's turning 50. That's crazy. I know. Yeah.

50 years old. But you don't, and your body doesn't hurt at all or whatever? Not at all. That's awesome. You have no issues being, no issues, really. But I've always worked out, I've always eaten well, you know. I think I've always kind of, and I love my life, right? I love my life too.

Yeah, that helps for sure. And also, my life is kind of easy in a way. I'm not working in a mind. You also, you never get stressed really. Not really. I've never, he's the least stressed guy I've ever seen. Yeah, it's like you don't give a fuck about anything, which helps. You never get stressed really. I've never really. He's the least stressed guy I've ever seen. Yeah. It's like you don't give a fuck about anything, which helps.

It's almost like you don't need anything. Right. You know, it's like- You know Rogan used to say that to me? Rogan said you're the only friend who doesn't need anything. It infuriates me sometimes. Because you want to get Brian a birthday gift, I could give him this all give him this all gold Rolex. You're like, Oh cool, man. Yeah.

No, I appreciate it. And then it just stay in his drawer. You could pull up in a brand new Rolls Royce Phantom. You're like, Oh cool. Uh, yeah, I don't like that about you, bro. Me either. Yeah. Fuck that.

Appreciate things. All right. But, but also I could be like, Hey man, I got bad news. iTunes shut down, firing the kids back like, ow, what can you do? Huh? Hey man, terrible news. I guess the live tours, you said something racist and we can't do it anymore. We're like, ah, that sucks, man.

Hey, you want to go to Houston, like get a steak? No! No, our lives are over. I think I care about people's feelings. I would care about you. That's the only reason why care about you. You do. That's the only reason why you're not a sociopath. Yeah.

Sincerely. I care more about people and their state. So if my friends have problems, they can count on me. For sure. Oh, yeah, yeah. I agree with that. That's very important to me. So my value system has zero to do, you're right, with anything including a house.

But B, no, see, that sounds bad. I'm not saying you don't care about material things. No, I know. It's literally like, you know how when they say- I have a lightness of being. Of everything. Yeah. Like if I was like, dude, I just caught your wife

getting gang banged by the Los Angeles Lakers. You'd be like, shit, really? Weird. Yeah. Like, no, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what,

what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, Who gives a fuck? Like damn. You literally think like maybe that's just how it goes. You know my father- I'll see you at the comic store tonight. What? Yeah. That used to drive my dad crazy too because my dad grew up poor.

Kiermore. And he was a Marine and life was hard and he would get so mad at me because he would give me things that his father could never give him. And this is really interesting, now you bring it up, he would give me stuff. He made me a great life and I never had to worry about things and, and he would do things for me. And I guess without realizing it, because that wasn't something that got me excited, right? Like, I just, and I just, my, my makeup, my, my, I just don't, I'm the same way. But you, but you grew up, he took it, he took it as an insult. Like he, he for

a while was like, my father father gave me nothing. I gave this kid everything and he doesn't, I didn't know how to really convey my appreciation. You've never not had, it's a little different. You were like, yeah, cool dad. Right, you're my only dad. So he, when somebody had to explain that to him, our relationship got much better. But for a while he was like, he probably resented me a little bit. Now Chris, you grew up on third base, just like calendar, white privilege. So how did you kind of work it out? Don't say white, keep going.

Sicilian. My dad started making money when I was like 16 or 17. So, but I never had like, I never had like, I didn't ever wanted, you know what I mean? Like I always had pretty much what, I had a great life, you know? But you like cool stuff, like you learned the shoes and cars and clothes and shit, we talked about that. Yeah. I don't know, I got into that as an adult, you know? But I think comedians, and we talked about this with with Brennan like Brennan has this need to do

comedy right and I have no doubt personally that you know after a while he's going to be really good at it because I can see how he works at it but more importantly I know how his brain works and I think that comics like your childhood was not easy I mean you have great parents and everything but there were still issues issues, like all of us. And for me, my childhood was so fucking chaotic, just by the nature of being moved every year, every two years. It was so insane.

And I never had any stability. And I think that's one of the main reasons I'm a comic, because I would be put into a whole group of new people in a different country, and I have to say goodbye to my dog, and make friends now. And I learned very quickly how to endear myself to them. Would you say you don't like stability? Well, you relive the trauma, right? So you have to really be careful about, one of the reasons I was always late, for example.

But you have to take stock of that and go, this is how my brain works and you have to fix it as an adult, which is what I try to do. That's another thing. But with you, you had stability, yet you also have your own craziness, which makes you a great comic. He also has a work ethic, because you know most of the time like... Yeah, so where does that come from? It's an obsession, is what it is. With what?

My work ethic? Not being a loser? No, I just... I don't know. I don't know, because it's weird, because it would be... Before it was stand up, nothing has been as much as stand up obviously because I always felt like that's what I had to do even as a young age.

I remember saying, I want to be a comedian, but I would just pour myself into one thing and before stand up it was jujitsu, dude. I would do it for six years and then before that it was working out. know and I just didn't give a fuck about anything else it's just one thing that I like doing and then I just you took you zero in on one thing I like doing everything yeah you like the master none that's not that's not say don't say that's another thing I want to talk about is and we were talking about this before we started recording you used to be laid all the time yeah and now you're not yeah because you just changed that I just changed and that means that you're an even bigger asshole than I thought

Yeah, because he realized what he's doing No, because he was just being late and he could change it like that Well, no means you were just coming to make a joke, but I told My feelings man, like oh I said if you're gonna be late, I don't want to do this Yeah, once I thought once, dude, you hurt my feelings, man. Like, I said, if you're going to be late, I don't want to do this anymore. Yeah. And once I thought, once I went, oh, I'm hurting my friend. I was like, I'm not going to do this anymore. I looked at him, I go, I will never be late again.

Oh, interesting. He hasn't been late. Yeah. You know what, one of the things that he did once we were at dinner, I think I probably told this maybe on another podcast, but we were at dinner. It was me, you, Josh Lawson, Will Sasso, and Craig Colchon, I think. Chad Colchon. Chad Colchon. What'd I say? Chad Colchin, I think. Chad Colchin? Chad Colchin.

What'd I say? Chad Colchin. Yeah, Chad Colchin. And someone else. Yeah. Tom Cruise. No, it wasn't Tom Cruise. I hang out with those guys, so I always confuse them.

Sounds like a nice team. Okay, so anyway, yeah, it wasn't them. I don't know. Okay, so I had a set, and Chad and Josh were like, yeah, I don't know if they ever see me do standups. They're like, we want to come to the Comedy Store. You want to come to the Comedy Store? I said, yeah. I said, I got to go.

I want to make sure I get on. So meet me at the Comedy Store. So I left early and then all you guys went to go to the Comedy Store. I get on, I was like, just so you know, everyone's coming. I was got in seats. I get on stage, I get off stage,

and I'm like, where the fuck is everybody? You guys weren't there. And then Josh or Chad, I was talking and they were like hey yeah when you coming and I was like when am I coming what I was like you guys are supposed to meet me at the comedy store where the fuck are you guys and he says oh you Brian said you were going up at the improv and I was like what you said Brian said you were you were you changed it and you were going to the improv. I remember that.

No, no, no, no. Was Brian doing stand up there? Yes. Oh dirty. And he just wanted, no, I actually think it was worse than that. He just wanted to be at the improv because he liked to hang there better. And everyone was like, he just lied to them and said, nah, Chris is doing set up at the improv.

Let's go there. And I was like, and I called him like this motherfucker and He didn't say hello the first thing because he knew like what he did was dick. Yeah, he picks up the phone he says you ruin the night Fucking asshole they wanted to Do shitty things the friends fucked up I went to call Chris I called to call Chris, I called him, and I get a text. He doesn't pick up the phone, and I get a text, and all it says is, nah.

Yep. That's what you fucking deserve. That's so weird. Motherfucker. I was thinking about this the other day, how special is the Comedy Store compared to other places? Now. Like just the vibe.

Now. Why? I don't know any different. I don't know any different. Before you came along, dude, sometimes it would be, now it's the hottest place in Los Angeles. Rogan says it's like the 80s or the 90s. It's incredible.

There's a renaissance going on. Dude, but compared to everyone, I mean. No, you're not, man. You know. That's what they say. Who? Who? Wait, what did they say, V?

No, the Comedy Store press release always like, there's what? He's the top of the chain. There's no Comedy Store press release. No, but there's The Lion, and then there's all the rest of the animal kingdom. You're saying like, pound for pound, and you're number one?

That's what they're saying about, they're calling me the lion. The lion of comedy. You don't hear that? No. Hey, you don't hear that? Don't, no. You're not going to make me like, whoa, you're through here. I've heard a little chat online. What? You're not funny. I've heard a little chat online. I don't even know about this comedy store press release. Dude, I'll tell you what. Comedy store press release?

They are saying though, they are like, and they're like, dude, they're like... Don't be a dick now. No, I'm not, I'm not trying to be a dick. I swear to God, this is legit shit. Okay. Apparently, when I go to the comic store, people are, it's very fucking weird, I didn't get it for a long time,

but they're handing me like footballs and shit. What is that, why? I was like, I don't play sports or shit like that. Weeks would go by and they'd be like, they want you to sign them? I was like, do you want me to sign it? They were like, yeah, you go champ. And I was like, okay, I don't want this shit I don't get it I

thought it was a joke that somebody said on a part whatever dude they're calling me the quarterback of the comedy I didn't know that I am I getting all these footballs it's not the quarter women were like no don't say that because they're calling me Simba. No Wow, then yeah, take a little break kids on jump back in this throwback episode I'll tell you what I'm sick of lip and slick and stamps, dude I'm sick of licking all these stamps doing all this stuff with dry fast all gas calm get some merch right now When I put the packages together and I'm licking stamps, it's exhausting. Thank God for Stamps.com.

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It's a CBD that I trust. That's cbdistillery.com, code is fighter. It's so cool to be into things every now and then and you don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I don't agree to it! I Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, admit we fucking got you right Chris. Yeah, I didn't know you were coming Glasses off. I didn't know you were coming all right, but I didn't know you're coming so yeah, let's regroup here Yeah, so but pretty good you gotta admit right sure it's pretty good. I don't mean to like get in on your no It's okay. We weren't talking about a fucking thing No, we were having a good fucking zero some little bit of escapism dude I don't like to fucking talk about that shit, but Brian didn't drink his fucking boat I got him

Yeah, you because he's just cuz he's a sweet tart tartness. That's why you're not gonna drink No, no cuz I have surrised beautiful blow. What is this gonna? Just gonna give me strawberry don't do it. Don't do Strawberry will like will you suck that whole thing down. You like strawberries. Fight it, Will. I know he was joking around with you, but I'll have a few.

Yeah, take, take. You gonna have the whole thing? Take a sip. You're a pusher, dude. Take one long sip. He shouldn't be doing that. I never stop. No.

No, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well. Oh, no. It's like the strawberries are sweeter than in nature because of the sugar right Dude we got you dude. Yeah Well, what do you been up to don't worry about me fucking interview Chris well, I've been doing that I'm boy. Have you guys have you interviewed each other enough on podcast? I asked him. You don't know him yet Yeah, I asked him for the sound effect for how he's doing like his life Yeah, and he did a similar thing that you do where he went. Oh really?

Well, I like well great minds think likes yeah, right? Well, what do you what's the sound effect? My stick what's the sound effect for your life, bro? How mine is usually? Like in 1940s, yeah, I know that I know that the audience can't see it from the back. Yes, it's more impressive from the back. Okay Right and Japanese nation. Yeah, Jim Jim animation. Oh Wow, and then it goes with It's a baseball thing Boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop Oh, oh it blew up the Sun. Oh People kid yeah Like in Terminator yeah, yeah, what do you see what's your face? Yeah

The guy was gonna catch the ball. Oh Wow, that's what's up. That's your sound effect. Yeah. Yep. That's an amazing Getting it out of the park. Yeah, no Mark, I was very visual so far that it went to the Sun audible. It was yeah, man. What are these drugs? No, no, no, no, no, no, what the fuck is that? What it is is honestly, oh, yeah Brendan and Brian are dumb right right so so they're technically dumb No, right, so yeah, so what they do is that entail if you're dumb so what this is so what they do is a guy Yeah, some guy just anyone let's say will be like hey, there's a new thing

Let's say um Ingest it right and it's good for your health and so they go now never mind man who cares new thing, let's say, um, ingest it. Right. And it's good for your health. And so they go, nah, nevermind man. Who cares? No, no, exactly. Well, that's, no, that's what I'm just, yeah. Let's do a little improv. I'll be the guy.

You be you. Okay. I'll be me. Okay. Okay. So this is what normally, okay. Who are you sir? Sorry.

I had, I'm just some guy, but check it out. There's a new thing and it's out and you should ingest it Oh, no, thanks. Go fuck yourself. Okay. All right. Yeah, right. That's how it goes when right now now I'll do Brian, okay Okay, so now you're the guy this would be the yeah. Hey man, what's up? Yeah. Yeah, I'm just I'm good man How are you? Are you just are you I know you know, I'm a guy some guy I am some guy cuz I don't think I've ever seen you before no you wouldn't have done just some guys So there's a new thing you should get it, and you should ingest it give me all of it

Okay, can you talk about it on your body 100%? And I hope it makes you do well and makes you money yeah, and I will be your test subject Yeah, okay, that's a girl's now Four months later. I I have psoriasis. No. No. No. No.

These are what gave you psoriasis. Absolutely. So when he says, when the guy says, hey, have that, and wash it down with that, you get psoriasis. That's an oversimplification. Is it though? vacation What's having a steel oh yeah, it is the oh yeah fuck who's the oh no who Theo is I've never met the on Theo von VA you G ahead cuz that's how you spell great Theo von you bastard V of on we just got Theo mad

That's how you spell great Theo von you bastard the V of on we just got Theo mad Wait, he's he's in the next studio. Yeah, he's doing his podcast. Oh, well, we're drowning him out. Yeah Yeah, you know what we're drowning them out with to Know and then the ball Chris has a Chris has veins in his head You know what that means? I can always ask your name vascular It means that something's gonna pop and you're gonna die Well, we all are one day and you know what death is to quote the great whatever rapper said this Santini You can know death is just the moment that dying ends. Well, I Hate that fuck that's a great rapper. Yeah, remember his name escapes me right now. I don't look no one

More like funky comedy or whatever. You gotta get the he makes people ingest this saying you get horny Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's true. That's a good tone. Look. Yeah, I've been working on some of my you've been working For a while 26 years Oh, man, I do so much right here some tone look yeah, well, it's Wow thing that's good. It's you know what I like how what you captured is how insecure tone loki. Yeah. Yeah Funky cold, you know, yeah He's one of the most insecure rappers, yeah Thanks

For the memory What are you doing back in LA Jack? Don't worry about me man. You guys fucking do your thing I get I get I saw Chris in apparently your hometown you know Chris and I fucking lit it up yeah New York in New York New York big city of dreams right oh I get this from from will when as I'm I mean I just get this hey let's slow it down and read yeah dude we don't need girl way three of us can't have a conversation. I get this, I get, no just out of nowhere, suck me off. And then I get, I just landed in LA, I'm too tired to say it in Italian. Say something I don't like, I'll slap you around.

Nice. Yeah, see that was the New York feeling that I had when I landed in New York. Dude I was in New Jersey in New York. Doing a movie? Yeah, I was doing a movie. Chris was in town. We hung out. We went. We fucking, we did it.

We ate steaks. We lit it up. We lit it up. We had pasta. Yeah, we had pasta. We stopped by, got out of the car. We got a cannoli. We lit it up.

Oh, we went to that clear staircase in Times Square. We took some pictures. So nice. We took a picture with Iron Man. Yeah, go fuck yourself. A fucking smelly Iron Man was coming apart at the seams Took a picture of a fucking portly Iron Man. Yeah, and also fucking Wario there was a big Wario. Yeah, there's a big Wario. Yellow Mario. Yeah Yeah, there was a big Wario a big fucking war a Puerto Rican gentleman What it was had a wario and on the Wario?

Who are you playing in this movie some guy? No numbering some guy? Oh, maybe if he is playing some guy you could give him something to ingest. No, come on Now dude, I have a question for you Brian. Yeah, what and do you want to hear the specials here or? Did you just feel like getting a good old-fashioned grand slam? That's what you got right there. You did get served up a certain type in hot all-american Fucking slam man. You're you read up an ass whooping. I'll tell you this much I took a shit 25 minutes ago, and it's here and I'm not moving. What?

Yep. What? It doesn't smell because I took my meds and I don't give a shit, dude. That's how much I don't fuck. Are you at least wearing diapers? Nope, I'm not even wearing underwear. And I have a hole in my jeans. I can see it right now.

It's pooling up. Yep, it's steaming out. The only reason it's not slipping over the end of that chair is because he's making an indent. Right. And he's sitting in there and it's all new shit. You know what I'm doing? What?

Stewing. Why is it bone white? Did you swallow a hamster? No, I, why, I, Bone's white, he shits white little crusties like his dog. I'm goose. I see a little goose. I'm goose, that's from my next salon.

Yeah. He's gonna turn green when I leave. Your shit is so, it's ivory white white bro. Yeah, I should ivory white What my snake is are you ingesting bones? No? Just you you you have you would have a snake for real though. I used to I used to have a Burmese Why did you have a ball? Is that stupid? I was an eccentric kid, and I always loved serpents I've always been saying I've always loved serpents. Yeah, how about how did you see the guy who was getting choked by the fucking? Snake because he he rescued it and he was trying to take selfies with it. No, no, he almost died

He was like he was getting so serious. It was an in it was like in really India or something probably or something like Yeah, it was so it was like he was it was so scary like it was terrifying. I tweeted about it if you can't find it. That's the guy, yeah. Oh my goodness. Well, that's a, that's called a Burmese python. It's obviously in India. That's a Burmese python. That is.

And I believe. Look at that. I'm almost sure that's a Burmese python. Sounds like something that could happen. Look at that, look at that. Look at that. How terrified would you be at that moment? Yeah, but is there a video of it?

Yeah, there is. Yeah, there is. I'd fucking shit right there to be brutally I'm a I just put peel you take the tail and you start peeling and you'll be fine. Oh really? Yeah, dude That's crazy. You're so smart when it comes to thank you, man. Thank you That's a Burmese python. I that's what I had. Hey, Brian. Shut up. That's exactly what I had Why did you have that? Because I there and he got so fucking mean he was so mean

Answer the question He would bite and I just was into it Now they're freaking the snake out because they're idiots And see that snake is getting scared and he's holding the head Yeah You don't know that Brian I do I know snake Brian doesn't know that

No you don't know that it could just be hungry I'm an amateur herpetologist he's squeezing that head too much Now he's shaking the head Now it gets crazy Now this is bullshit But wait no it doesn't even get crazy until I think he starts walking away This is the part walking away, but look at the hero that helps him look at that. That's cool Yeah, Brian would be shitting himself in the corner. I was complete bullshit popsicles

That wasn't doing shit damn bro in one second that thing would have fucking wrapped around You're such a police guy took you out. They've been around snakes. You've been to India, dude What was India like it was I was dude You're you're you know what? You're a hard-hitting interviewer. You really are. Why don't I interview you guys? Hey, what's up? Welcome the fighter and kid. I'm sitting in for Brian and Brendan here with me is here But Chris is here also. Okay. Hey Got a lot going on around today. These guys are doing comedy and they're doing all sorts of stuff in the business and show

business at large. Brian, what are these on the table? Fuck that shit. Chris, so how'd you get started in comedy? Were you being a fucking smart ass, breaking everyone's balls and shit? No, I mean- And your family and your friends, and then you're like, I'm funny, right? Probably same thing for you, right?

Well, no, actually. Me undies. That's not our sponsor, man. Really? It's not? It's my sponsor. It is my sponsor. You ain't part of the Mondays Fam anymore?

No, look. You got burlap underwear? What you got? No, I have. Oh, you can't wear any underwear Where any of these right now? No, I don't make fun of me about my surprise. I'm so your dick. Let's see what you're wearing. Why do you have sir? I'm okay. I'm fine. That's great. Yeah, cuz I used to model for them when I was in the 90s

I got money. I have one these I wear mostly Mondays. I got What are you wearing? Don't pull God you would just have another short legs I think you would is a Kirkland where I don't pull them out I guess our dude are those like toss yank them out. You're wedging yourself. Your balls are getting all fucking Hey, dude, all seriousness, you're a big guy with a powerful lower body Yeah, you when you're when you're gonna make love and the girl's like, here comes this big guy, and then you pull out that sad nub. Pete Slauson What? Jared Slauson What? Does the girl go, oh?

Pete Slauson No, no, no. What happens is – Jared Slauson Do you hear anything? Pete Slauson Nope. She looks at me and then I get undressed and she goes, well, that all makes perfect sense, right? But what she doesn't understand is that it's scaled to me. But then as I get closer, it's like, oh no, because I'm seven foot five and 872 pounds. So that's when, yeah, yeah. And then when it gets closer, then it looks like

an overstuffed fucking one of those sandwiches on a French bread that's just a big. You'd get from Jersey Mike's. Yeah, the kind of brief. You got a Jersey Mike's. Yeah, I got a Jersey Mike's. See that extra flaps of skin just kinda hanging off. Yeah, it looks like, you got a cock and they make it Mike's. Yeah the kind of you got a jersey Mike. Yeah, I got a jersey extra flaps of skin just kind of hanging Yeah, that's like and you got a cock and they make it Mike's way

Yeah, the end of my dick looks like a handful of baloney Why different foreskin cuz I'm European. Yeah No, I got it I got it I got it cut more to make it shape like a rose That's pretty good. Yeah, I got it. I got it. I got it cut more to make it shape like a rose. Oh, that's pretty cool. Yeah, I got it all. I got a- Beautiful. Yeah, I visited.

I got body modifications as a baby. That's problematic, but- Yeah, I got a piercing that's keeping my balls very small and close together. Do you have pearls under the skin? Yeah, pearls, yeah. No, that's beautiful. I feel bad about coming and, you know, saying like, I feel bad about like coming here and then being like, oh, you know, that's

very you'd actually to think of that. Yeah. Yeah. Cause you, you do, you do something and then feel bad about it as you like that you're here. We'd rather have you here than not to be brutal. Hey man, it's awesome you know, we're making a surprise. Can you believe his face when it happened? Yeah well. He was like, what? Yeah. I mean I was surprised but I think that was... We got you, we were thinking about it, we talked about it all, guess what? What? Like yesterday. Yeah. We wanted to get you. Well that's when you would make the plan. I actually didn't even know that you were in town so double the surprise Yeah, I flew back into town cuz you're fucking so New York dude. I am so New York. I am so fucking New York

That's not true Chris Chris. I was in New Jersey and I was making a film But I was right close to the city the the bad apple the big Yeah, city of of shoulders man, and everybody was and and so Chris I got to visit Chris while he was in town Yeah, and then he went and did the theaters this Chris count how many times he gets recognized? No, I do you know what I can't It's actually tough. Yeah, I wear a baseball hat and sunglasses So nobody literally literally people are like I know I'm from somewhere But yeah, I don't normally see that guy with a hat and sunglasses on so it can't be him Yeah, I hear people saying that have you ever heard about have you ever heard about the people living underneath the subway? Yeah, more people

Yeah, in New York. There's people in the in the whole community. Yeah, well, there's well, there's different subway tunnels Yeah, that the trains don't go down anymore Yeah, so a lot of people who are homeless have set up these cardboard cities down there. They deserve. And it's pitch black. Hey, it's not what... No. Hey, man, don't derail what was going to be so awesome. I knew that. Yeah, and you knew that.

I knew it because I know a lot about comedy. Yeah, but then... All right. Then there's Brian that knows comedy. But then, Brian knows little. No, that's not true. But Brian, when someone's teeing something up, and they fucking take the T, and it says, anecdote on the T, and then they take a ball, and it says, like, punch line.

It also underneath in parentheses says, take it or leave it, not a huge deal. Yeah, but just here it comes. Yeah, and they put it on top of the T. And there's a batter. Right, and there's a batter. And the batter's you. And it batters me, and I come up,

and I'm fucking showing my underwear. By the way, the batter's you. A very established comedic actor. Thank you very much, Chris. Hey guys, that is hilarious. And a sketch actor to boot. Hey, you know what? And you'd figure, oh also, by the way,

hey, known him a little while. Known him a little while. Had conversations. So you're sitting across, sitting with a couple of the funniest people on the planet. Now, he knows you too, right? The fuck I do know him. So now, if you were just gonna tell a story or something,

maybe he'd say alright I'm gonna sit over here. I'm gonna have a smoke break I'm gonna let him drive a little while or are you gonna come up with something that makes No sense is not relevant. I just said they deserve yeah, but you toss it in You know what you did dude what you took a fucking bowl of spaghetti And you dumped it out onto that baseball on the tee Yeah, and and the reason why I say that is you might be like well that makes no sense Yeah, that's exactly my point. No what you do. Yeah makes no sense

You're this is my show. I have anything to do with baseball I have to remind you guys you took a bowl of pasta you're in and put it into the fucking baseball No, no, and now and now as you're explaining it to him He's saying no, I understand and it won't happen again And he's got a bucket of chocolate ice cream and he's dumping it onto the pot I don't like and mashing it into the plate with his foot while he's telling you I know that I dropped this But all the pasta on the ground look dude, but at least maybe we can pick it. Tell me about the mole have some this bowl of pasta on the ground. But at least maybe we can pick it up.

Tell me about the mole people. And still have some. Okay. All I was going to say was that I went down there and it was very, very dark and I still got recognized. Of course that didn't happen. Of course. And it's not that big a deal.

You know what? Had it been in the moment that you were doing it. It could have been amusing. Could have been funny. Not only that, could have led to some other stuff. Isn't that right? Guys. Now.

Can it? No. Ken it, now. Ken it, Ken it now. No it can't, Ken it. So what did we learn, Brian? Not to what? I don't like that you're putting your hands in your lap. I'm not your fucking student. You guys are my guests. I'm uncomfortable with the fact

when we are sitting here in the TFATK studios, the show has been so successful I'm uncomfortable with the fact that we are sitting here in the TFATK studios. The show has been so successful that you know your show has been successful when your logo has been turned into some sort of bathroom tile. A fan made that. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, if they were very successful, this wouldn't be broken. So get a new sign. I got to stick up for Brian here. That is the style.

Yeah, that's not fair, dude. You're being unfair right now. It's broken like all of these. No, that's like a tile work thing. It's a tile work thing, though. Yeah, it's not broken. But I'll tell you, if you've got a studio where there's all sorts of, there's a really cool like, what would this be, steampunk? This clock over here?

This would be... A guy made us that clock. A guy sent us that clock. A guy sent you that clock? Yes. Alright. Now, I didn't know you knew Gargamel. Is that Gargamel's clock? It's a little goth, but it's...

It's pretty cool. I think I saw... Yeah. I am allergic to fucking boringness. Isn't that crazy? I saw this clock in a Ramstein video in 1994. But you've got all sorts of cool stuff in here that tells everybody that you guys are established and it's a very successful podcast. And still, you know, slittle about comedy.

All right. Isn't that crazy? Right? That's so crazy Broken glass collage as my whole life What the fuck was that Brian's career Let's take a little break kids. We'll get right back to throwback episode Hope you guys are enjoying it while Brian's on vacation if you're following along on Brian's vacation that he's posted on Instagram You'll notice one thing one thing only he's in Mekano's He's enjoying the Sun and you're like man Brian's face is awful and his hairline still not good But his clothes are looking pretty tasty. That's cuz Brian only rocks true classic

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Um. Oh no. This is tragic news out of Marina Del Rey this morning. I win. Last thing he said, I win. I win. I win. Then he fucking expired and then he was so fucking real about it that the doctors came in and did an autopsy and said natural causes. He's in perfect health.

He fucking keeps it so real. He just said I win and he fucking passed away. I'm 31. I'm 31. Chris, remember the time we were talking about the song to play at Brian's funeral Remember the name of that song. It was like some like fucking trap boom. Oh, yeah. Yeah I think I got it. What was it? I think I remember this guy's number one. He was our biggest influence. Yeah We used to talk about He was our biggest influence He was our biggest influence that we ever knew

We're crying crying hard We're crying at people The tears are flying from my eyes They're not even rolling down my cheeks They're flying from my eyes Jesus Christ We'd commission Guns N' Roses to come back and do your funeral song you guys would cry so I'm gonna come back and do that your funeral song you guys First time tears shot out of someone eyes

Tears are flying from my eyes. My tears my cheeks are dry, but I'm crying hard Why why? Because i'm trying so hard i'm trying tears are flying, tears are flying from my eyes, flying from my eyes. Dude. The number one hit. Rest in peace, Brian. Yeah, if I outlive you, I want to take this piece of podcasting, set it to music. Yeah.

Rest in peace, Brian, another single here. Look, the tears are flying from my eyes. You're 51 years old. Crushing it. And like I've said before, on many mediums, well, whatever, it's not that. No, no, no, I want to. Do you want to find it? Well, here's what I was going to say about mediums. Well, whatever it's not that no, you know, you want to find it Well, I was gonna say I have it. I have it. I was gonna say about Brian at 51 Could beat the living shit out of CM Punk ten years younger. Thanks. You can know this guy Brian

You could beat CM Punk. He could beat the fucking tar out of him. I think really yeah I want to see that all right in the UFC one last fight. Hey, he had what was his name Mike Jackson? Yeah, that's the only reason I remember it. I'll he had, what was his name? Mike Jackson? That's the only reason I remember it. I'll beat Chris's ass, I'll tell you that much. Why don't you dress up like CM Punk, Chris? A lot of people say I look like CM Punk. Yeah, let's cut your hair.

No, because then his career will be over. You could, yeah, I watched that fight going, okay, so they just kind of throw in, he's an entertainer, right? He's a professional wrestler. He's been training for a couple years to do something that's other, let's call it other. You're primarily, you're an actor, you're a comedian, you're a, you know, whatever the fuck, right? Tennis player, boxer, wrestler.

And so- Don't say tennis player. Don't say tennis player. But I come off the ground when I hit I mean the tops been so stupid. Oh This is my funeral song, yep, this was it Is that it though That hit though? Yeah, will you kill it on this song? Oh, that's my funeral song. And Chris and I will come in. Are you guys carrying my coffin?

We're going to be floating next to your coffin like this. Am I not in a coffin? We're the only pallbearers. No, I want to be wrapped like a mummy and you guys are carrying me wrapped like a mummy. Yeah. In white, in white. We're just making you float. Yeah.

I'm on your shoulder. I'm on your shoulder. My body's rigor mortis. Your wife's crying. And you wink at her. Your kids are mine. Yeah. And then we do that thing.

You walk by and wink at my wife with me on your shoulder wrapped in gauze You know you know out here in LA and Southern, California. They have those sign flippers They have in other parts of the country where it's like subway sandwich 599. Yeah, I got these new apartments That's what we do with Brian's corpse Fucking funeral and we just flip around chicken suits To that song. Yep. Oh, that'd be a cool funeral, but I'm gonna serve food What do you serve bacon two white women are gonna make burritos? There you go. There you go There you to white women who went to Mexico are super foodies. Hey, you know what? Let's start a restaurant

People fucking loved it. Yeah, and now Just while flipping Brian's body with chicken suits on while white women make burritos wife crying so hard yeah and your kids are on my shoulders and then I bust out of the gauze and I'm like psych and I cut both your throats. Okay, I drink your blood No I'm tired today. All right flew around yesterday. I'm tired today All right an airplane that kept delaying it was that a new in New York, they had that Nor'easter, I guess, right? I hate the Nor'easter. Yeah, like, it's just not, don't say that.

Right? I mean, this podcast could just be a day. What? A day long. Oh yeah. Yeah, let's keep going. Yeah, are there any more current events? I don't want to bring any sad stuff.

Bring it up. I love sad stuff. Well, how about Starbucks closing 150 stores next year? Yeah, well usually they just close 50. Why? Because they're just too big. No, they usually just close 50 stores a year, but it's three times. Too many? They're just not doing well. Those locations, there's also stores that do well.

I know, it's crazy. Like, how much coffee can you there's I you know what dude? I I swear to God I woke up the other day. I didn't realize there's a there's a Starbucks in my guest room There's a star but how did you not know? Wait a minute. How do you not know it? So they started like someone paid the franchise fee and had you know what I guess so this was yesterday So there's employees and sure three employees Other customers yeah, there. Three people working in there? Yeah, it's fucking crazy. Other customers? Yeah, there've been people, come in.

Is that because you don't go around or do you have a, is your house, is it obviously very big? I mean, hey, I'm doing well. How many rooms? How many rooms in here? You know what? I don't know.

Okay, so that's a manor. Is that a manor or is it a mansion? don't look like you don't know the answer to that Yeah, you're being you're being how about this what you don't I'll let you know. Oh Come on. You're the first of all you're never gonna get back to us for that Second of all you fucking don't mean it. I'll look at your hands. You're fucking crooked mouth. That's not even a thing You do that is so not a thing you do you mother fucker? You don't do that Modest right now. He's making a white face What the fuck do you have a name for your house? Is it a or is it just an address? It's probably just a house

You know, it's got it. What what's got like a CD on the gate? Okay, what? Don't look at your eyes again that what is it? You're so expressive when you're lying on the gate. Okay what? What? Look at your eyes again! What does it say? Dude you're so expressive when you're lying. No you don't have that. Crystal? No. Look you gotta be careful you're gonna flatline again you're gonna die if you get... No dude I'm fine dude right now cuz I feel really good. Does your place have... He lived too much. Do you have that that blonde draft coffee? That new Starbucks? They have that. Yeah, it's actually one of those Starbucks. What? I don't know what they call them, but I was trying to ask the employee, but I was so tired. I was going to bed. Um, and uh, cause it's a 24, I guess it's 24. Do they work for you? That's a fucking major Starbucks. I know I should be making some sort of money, right? Yeah, do they you know what?

They might close, but I don't know. Do you have your star books have the new like the new chicken tortilla egg sous vide? Oh that yeah, not just the other two. Yeah, but I think it in Gruyere and then there's yes Hey, they know they say they have them but they're always out. Oh fuck. They're always popular. Right? He really has a Starbucks in his house it's cool too, cuz if I don't have a If I don't have a phone charger, they have those fucking table chargers Yeah, I can just go on and just place my phone on there So you had to know that when you went in there you're like put a Starbucks here and then this now Do you allow anybody into the Starbucks or is there a they they yeah, I mean, yeah, you can let anybody in.

Mostly, I would say it's mostly white people. Okay, dude, that's. Wow, man. I have nothing to do with it. Why is it just, why is it? No, I have nothing to do with it. Why would you say that? It's not just white people, it's just mostly white.

And who else? That's a bonus. Okay, see, he said mostly. Yeah. So that's. Fucking weird thing you got going on. Is that, I'm not said mostly. Yeah. So that seems like a joke. What a weird thing you got going on. Is that not, I'm not trying to, I'm not trying to, is it, are you saying that you have a, I'm not, yeah.

A white only Starbucks in your home? I don't care, I'm not judging you on this. No, I know, and again, it has nothing to do with me. It's in your home. It's in your home. Chris, it's in your house, you've been saying that for the past five minutes I didn't I didn't I didn't have a I didn't know yeah Now we got it we got to talk about you're talking about a guy who's got a I mean

I've got a big house Every time he talks about the size of his house But a racist copy no no no no no no I don't have any Okay, but you do admit that There is a Starbucks in my home. That's a coffee shop. I found out about that yesterday. About what? That it's, is it, is that white people

only are there by coincidence, or is there a barrier to entry to people who have more melanin in their skin? So I popped in about five or six times yesterday, because I still, every time I was like, wait a minute, really? And I would walk in and I'd Be like your home. Yeah, okay my home. Yeah, and every time I walk in maybe six seven eight nine times

So yeah, there were it was Pretty much white people I don't only that okay, so wait, so is there a sign or anything? so it's Starbucks, so they do have signs. Yeah But they have that sign that says Starbucks and then they have a sign that says Things on this premises may cause cancer and birth defects or whatever that Have to have that one and then oh we can write we have the right to refuse service to anyone and a bunch of yeah That's not and then what else is there anything there was there was small wording under that which Do you know what that said under that we reserve we reserve?

A right to refuse service to anyone and then a bunch of stuff under that that was in parentheses. Did it say of color? No, I it said something like Because when I got closer to the side, because it was small, right? But they were like, it said no black. Oh boy. Chris, that's super. You have a white-only. Asians.

And then it said or other. What? That is what. Everyone. You have to change the side. You can't have this. You have to change the sign. You can't have this. You have to change the sign. That's a, that's a, that's a, that's a, that's an extreme. But again, I have nothing to do with this.

You have an extremist. You do. Hold on. Yes, you do. It's in your house. You're going to be responsible for it no matter what. I don't give a shit who you bring this to. Any court in the land, and I mean the land, will say, you had it in your house sir right right here right and all the evidence in your

house where's me judge I didn't know that no no hold on your honor but you do now and here's the thing you judge guys judge guy no that's you've known for a day that you have a whites only room in your house it's not a room it's a Starbucks and I think honestly Starbucks we in but what it's a little bit. Sorry I think honestly Starbucks would be in a lot of trouble chin. Let's call it a Starbucks It doesn't matter if it's a room or a star, but I have a question. Let them call Just walk Chin walks in mm-hmm with a friend of his who options also be Asian or let's say of Latin descent or American yeah, what can what happens? Well, let's put it this way. I'll stop right there chin doesn't walk in

Chris what do they have? Well they have a They have a I Don't want I mean III again yesterday. I walk in I'm noticing all this shit I'm looking at and they actually have a separate entrance. I was like in my house. I had no idea I know but Chris what happens when I walk out and I'm like, they're stopped you when you walked in No, I know it's your house, but nobody stopped me. No, well, you look Albanian, which is technically white So there you have it So yeah, so I walked into the part, you know

You know the you know when you walk into a bank and they have the first entrance and then you have to wait for Them to have the light turn green till we open up the second entrance? Yeah. Okay, so. Sort of. So what happens is when a bank gets robbed, if a bank gets robbed there's two entrances, right? Yeah. And they're one after another and the robber leaves the one door and then they trap them in the little area to where they can't leave the second door, right?

Yeah. Okay? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. This Starbucks has a version of that, right? So Chris, what? And you can only make it. No, I'm saying it has a chin. No problem getting past the first entrance, right?

But then he has to get, he goes into the, he's in the chamber. So then what happens to the chin? It's a detention center. No, no, no. So now the second entrance, that would be a red light. For Chin would see a red light. So he's... Chris, this is insanely racist.

When does he get his coffee? How does he get his coffee? Well, there's, I mean, he's free to go anywhere else if you want. No, Chris, you have a racist coffee shop. I don't have any. No, you have it in your house. You know what, it's in your house. You have it in your house.

You have it in your house. You have it in your house. Listen, I don't know why you guys are upset. You guys want to get coffee, you just come right in. Because I'm not a racist. Yeah, but that's not the point. I don't even want to have any coffee. I don't even want to have any coffee. I don't even want to have no idea. It's in your house. Listen, I don't know why you guys are upset. You guys want to get coffee, you just come right in. Because I'm not a racist. That's not the point. I don't even want to have anything to do with it.

I'm not going there for coffee. No, you got Starbucks right there and you brought them this thing. There's no way you paid for this. That's from the whites only. Starbucks, that's a racist coffee. Chris. And you didn't even pay for this thing. No.

Right. I don't want that invite... You go there every day. Chris. You drank a little bit of it. I... So what? Don't you fucking... We're all kind of in this together, right?

What's the name of that? What's the name of that? What's the name of that drink right there? So it has two names, right? So it has... It's called the Simply Strawberry. Okay. And then...

And then... So they said... And then under it, it says made with real strawberry sugar, fructose, whatever. Sorry, it's a little red. We wish that it was... Oh, white. Pure white. Chris, you have to... That is an aggressively racist...

You have to dismantle your insane legal system. These people hate everyone but whites Dude this is fucked up Chris. This is not gonna look good. Oh me I Keep saying that but don't you understand up one day? No rock into a room just let him in Yeah, imagine wake up one day you walk into a room Yeah, and your house you haven't been down that corridor or whatever. It's sometimes that hand you open up the door Well, no that doesn't happen. I try to give you the benefit of the doubt Yeah, but a corridor that you have you see all of a sudden a bunch of green and it's a Starbucks You're like, holy shit. I had nothing to do with this

Okay, that's where I'm coming from right and it happens to be I Apparently I'm realizing now a whites only now you're realizing that I apparently, I'm realizing now, a whites only. Now you're realizing that? Chris, you've known for a full day and you still haven't taken action. Have you talked to anybody about this? And I feel like in some ways you. So I asked the guy who works there, right?

And I was like, what's the deal? What's his name? So his name? Yeah. His name is, his name is Henry. Yeah? Yeah yeah it's a regular name right yeah and so so I asked him how did it what's the deal with this right and he goes like this I don't have anything to do with it nobody's responsible for this

insanely racist coffee shop Henry's a white guy who Who instituted, who put the sign up? I mean, not that it matters, but I think Henry might have something to do with this. I would imagine. Yeah, he's a white guy. OK, but then you're also going, I got nothing to do with it. Everybody's like. Anybody there that took responsibility for their

insanely racist policies? You said there were three people working there. Yeah, three other guys, two other guys. Who are the other guys? Yeah, Henry, Zach. That's a white dude. Zach Zack. That's a white guy I'm not even gonna ask yet. Well Henry Cody Cody. Yeah, those guys are white. Those are white. Well Cody's young

Okay. Yeah, so is Henry too. He probably has those parents were like, yeah, let's call him exactly. Call him Jack Back name. Yeah, I'm a throwback name Brian which watch this. Well call him a throwback name. Yeah. Yeah My transatlantic guy. It's good Really good. So good. So and then Cody and Zack and yes and Zack and Zack is an older man Okay, and he doesn't he doesn't wear the the green the apron or whatever. Okay, so he's the man. What is he? Yeah, sure. He's the man. What's he wearing? So he's got all sorts of other shit going on. He... What?

He might be the one who's hot. No, I don't, you know what, I'm not sure because he's not even wearing the Starbucks outfit. What is he wearing, Chris? That's what we're saying. So he has like this... White... Ugh.

What? Go on. Oh no. Fucking go on. White top. Is it a white... Just a white top. Is it a white just a white? Thing exactly. Yeah, it's a smock Is it to keep off the coffee office? It's in a red and black no, I wait is it a boy hold on is it a robe Wait, is it a robe? Hold on, is it a robe? Yeah, maybe he just rolled out of bed or...

He's a wizard, he's a grand wizard. He's got red and black emblems. He knows no magic, even though it does taste magical. Does he have little symbols on his person that sort of look like the thing that would be next to like, Oh, this is the auto club, and then there's like an emblem you never see. Or like those symbols, like Like emoji symbols you're like So that fucking clan secretly open the Starbucks in your god You have to get them the fuck out of there dude