The Flop House - Dracula (2026)

Episode Date: October 17, 2026

When we were all in Louisville together for our live show, we took the opportunity to record a pair of Shoctober episodes all together in person, and this is the first one! What happens when the only version of Dracula that Luc Besson seems to be familiar with is "Bram Stoker's Dracula?" We get DRACULA (2026), which takes all the extra nonsense from the Coppola version and adds some more French nonsense on top of it.FLOP TV SEASON FOUR is underway! Pick up a pass for individual episodes or the whole dang season! Next up (on 11/7), we'll be talking GLADIATOR! If you miss us live, your ticket also buys access to an on-demand recording (through February, 2027)!Stay updated on all things Flop House, plus a little extra, with our NEWSLETTER, “Flop Secrets!Wikipedia page for Dracula.Recommended in this episode:Dan: Times Square (1980)Stu: Hope (2026)Elliott: Orlando (1992) Help support this show and unlock bonus content! Become a member at https://maximumfun.org/joinflop

On this episode, we discuss Dracula. Finally, for the first time, someone has the guts to make a movie about Dracula. Hey, damn it's too. Someone's just thinking about Dracula getting finally knocked off his high horse. Dracula thinks he's so great. Someone's got to take that vampire down a peg. Show me he's not all that. Hey everyone, and welcome to the flop house.

I'm Dan McCoy. I'm Stuart Wellington. And I'm Elliot Charles Kalen. That's right, guys. I broke out the middle name today. Why? What's the big deal? Dracula, that's the big deal.

He is a big deal. He is a big deal. He's very big in Transylvania. He looms large. In fact, I feel like looming is a classic Dracula trait. He is one of the best loomers. He's a Dracula loomer, if you will. He's definitely not Laureluma.

He is not Laura Lumer. There's at least three reasons that he's not Laura Lumer. One, a man, not a woman. Two, not as involved in American politics. Three, a vampire. I was ranking Lomers. I wasn't comparing them directly. I didn't realize.

What about Lumis? What about Lumis is? Well, doctors, you know, the top Lumis, right? So what we do here on this podcast, guys. We rank names. It is a rank podcast. I'll tell you that. Especially after last night, the three of us,

got real sweaty. At a metal festival. At a Neville festival. An Ereon Neville Festival. In Neville Chamberlain also. They were both performing. Well, let me set up the show, and then we can get into that.

This is a podcast where we watch a movie that was a critical or a commercial flop, and then we discuss it. Now, frequently, I would say, you know, above 90% of the time, we are doing it over Zoom because Elliot has abandoned us. For the other coast.

I heard the siren song of La La Land and I went with it. Yeah. What's that? City of Lights is the siren song? No, that's Paris is City of Lights. What's the city of dreams? What's the fucking song? I don't know what song you're talking about La La La Land.

Oh, well, I don't remember any of the songs from La La Land. No, no one does. No. That's why it's absurd. All I remember from La La Land is the part where he plays an awesome keyboard solo and she has a look on her face like she's horrified that he has betrayed his muse. I'm like, this is the best thing he's played all movie. What are you talking about? This rocks.

But yeah, but I heard, the song I heard it was I Love L.A. by Randy Newman. And I was like, how can a man love a city that much?

I got to feel that love too. Yeah. But yeah, we are all in the same place right now. Tonight we're going to be doing our live Louisville show. We're in the geographic center between New York and Los Angeles,

Louisville, Kentucky. Yep, yep. And now we can talk about what we really want to talk about. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, our adventures last. I mean, to be honest,

I would always, I would always want to talk about Dracula. Yeah. How is this Tober different than all other tobers. Oh, that's true. It's true. It is shock tober.

Yeah, when we talk about horror movies. Anyway, back to the metal festival that we... Not Rocktober, when we only talk about rock and roll musicals. Which we're about to. So this is a... We're taking a brief detour into Rocktober. Into Rocktober.

So Alex, can play that Rocktober sting that we asked you to make? And... There are ones. Oh, God. Oh, man, that was fucking sick. He's in the room right now. You can see his face.

Do I have to do this? How many more bespoke stings am I going to ask for this episode? Now, I have a question, Alex, where do you get those stanky licks? So, do you, he has to, he has his own stank house where he hangs the licks to make sure they get good and stagy. You don't wash those licks. No, fine. You don't wash them. No, man.

Oh, man. Yeah, so, yeah, you got to season them. So we went to, uh, we, it's the smoke you use. It just so happened that we scheduled our live show on the week. I mean, it was a beautiful coincidence. Yes. Okay.

If it might not... I thought this was part of your evil plan from the start. I'm like, I wish I was that clever. I wish I was like, I did research. That's the kind of evil plan. It would take a Dracula to come up with. But what happened is we booked a show this weekend. That'll make more sense later.

And then Alex pointed out that this weekend also happens to be the weekend of Louer Than Life, the heavy metal festival here in Louisville, which is a huge festival. And the night before our show, happened to be the like old folks home night of metal shows. I mean, the one that it was the night we would have, I mean, it would have been really sad if it lined up so that the night,

the day we could go, the night we could go was the night that Limp Bizkit was playing or something like that, which is later than the weekend. I mean, they've had a bit of a cultural reevaluation. I don't necessarily agree with it. I don't want to listen to them as I'm saying, yeah. So we went to the festival and it was like 90 degrees. At least. It was 95 degrees and the feels like temperature,

according to my app was 103. Wow. I was afraid Dan was going to melt. His skin was liquefying. I did have to take a break. Elliot was locked into watching Alice Cooper. And, you know, like... Stewart and Alex and Charlene were like,

we're over in the amusement park. This was like held in an amusement park. You could go over to the amusement park side. And I was like, I'm going to go over there for the shade. And Ellen's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll see you later. I don't give a shit, man. Dan's thing is on right after this.

And then Megadeth is on right. after Danzig. Yeah, we got to see Danzig start a set from the top of the Ferris wheel. And I was like, I think I see a little Danzig around. Yeah, but I, something that listeners may not know about me if I can talk about myself for a second. I rarely do.

I'm loath to do. Yeah, yeah, you're a closed book. You may, yeah, I'm incredibly close. The only reason why the book is closed is because the cover was ripped off and the pages were flying out. The, I don't look like it. I look like a frail little nerdy guy,

which I am at a certain, in a certain way, but I am capable of withstanding enormous amounts of pain and discomfort. So the heat didn't bother me. Like, I'm dealing with some back pain right now, did not bother me. I was going to see these acts perform. I'm not going to get a chance to,

maybe ever, because they're all old, you know. They can die at any moment. I learned that when I turned down a chance to go to a Tom Petty show at the Hollywood Bowl because Tom Petty's fine, but I don't love his music. And then he died right afterwards. And I was like, well, if he,

I knew it was his last show, I would have gone to it. Why didn't even tell me he was going to die right after the show? Yeah, he should have told you. He should have called me. Hey, Elliot, I know you weren't going to come to the show, but I'm not planning on surviving much longer.

Oh, okay, thanks, Tom. How'd you get my number? Well, you know, when you're famous, you have everybody's phone number. Really? Alice Cooper's associated with being kind of a scary act, and I think the real terror was like, will this old man die in the heat? Yes, yeah.

He's 78 years old, and I'm like, he is, yeah, he's wearing leather pants in the heat. Face makeup. I mean, I don't think he can take those off. at this point. They're like... Those were just... That's just his skin.

Yeah. I mean, he made... He was actually naked from the waist out. I now fear that he will have passed by the time this episode. We're doing this like about a month in advance. Oh, then in which case we'll say Alice, rest in pieces.

Beautiful. Ulyly. Yeah. Great show. And so the... So anyway, I was fine with just standing and watching the acts as opposed to sitting. Sun baking down, no hat.

I should have brought a hat. I think you should have also dressed like many of the festival goers in like fetish wear. or just lingerie. I should have done that, yeah. Yeah. But we did not. We, and we stuck it out all the way to...

We were there for eight hours. We were there for eight hours. We managed to see, you know, we saw our Danzigs. We saw some Megadeth, which Dave Mustaine gave no weird political speeches, which is great. I was very thankful for. I was expecting. Because I do want to say, for any listeners who are aware, I do not... Megadeth, I'm a fan of their music.

Do not condone any of Dave Mustain's political beliefs. He and I are on very opposite sides of things. I like to think that for the most part, you should assume that I disagree with most musicians' political beliefs unless I state otherwise. I'm sure I disagree with Danzeg's political beliefs also. That goes without saying.

Or the frontman of the band we saw after Megadeth, which was Pantera, because I do not agree with Phil Anselmo's beliefs. Well, there at least, also, it's like, I know Pantera is not a band I listen too much. And so watching them, I was like, yeah, this is not really the flavor of metal that I'm most of it.

attracted to you. Yeah, a lot. Yeah. To like paraphrase what a Stavros bit. Like, Pantera fans, like Pantera's music always sounds like you just fucked Phil Ainselma's girlfriend. Like, he is so, like, mad at you. But it was funny, he would please

these songs were very mad at you. And then afterwards he's like, oh man, you're a great fucking audience. This is, we're having a good time. Let's hear about all the acts on the bill. Great Bill. Thanks so much, everybody for being here. It means a lot to us. Anyway, fucking what's right? Which is the opposite of. I'm so mad at me. Iron Maiden, which did a fantastic show,

but then seemed like to have a delight in belittling. Yeah, we gotta bully us. And so it ended with Iron Maiden, they did a two-hour set pretty much. And it was like, it was a full show, not just like a festival, abbreviated show. They were amazing. But yeah, in between songs, Bruce Dickens is like,

well, we're not coming back to this fucking place. I love it. Because we'll see you again. Not here. Oh, man. That was so funny. What a joy, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. To get nerdy for a second, I feel like, like, Pantera has this... I don't need there's really room for that on this podcast. Pantera has this, like, angry attitude, where he's super aggressive, but, like, there's something very off-putting about it compared to something like Napalm death,

where Barney is, like, the most scary, angry man. Like, he sounds not like a guy trying to be scary, but, like, you are trapped with an insane person that you bumped into on the street. But his, at least, he at least has good political belief, Leafs. So I'm like, okay, well, that's cool. This brings me closer for some reason. I mean, I don't know. There's something about, I

don't know, the, around the Pantera crowd was one of the few times, I kept saying, I was saying to Stuart, like, when I was in deep in the crowd, because I would try to get close to this age, I was always like, there's so many guys in this crowd who want to beat the shit out of me right now or would do it easily. And the Pantera crowd was the one where I felt it the most.

Yeah, the Pantera's music, like, feeling inspired by Pantera, you're like, man, I should have become a cop. Or with Iron Maideness, like, I really should be a romantic era poet. Yeah, I should have paid more attention in English class. I'm not a metal person in general.

I was taken along on this trip by my two metal head friends. Three metal head friends was Alex. Yes, that's true. Don't forget. Never forget, Alex. Never forget. Yeah.

Never forget. Never forget. You owe it to him. But I did enjoy, I mean, like, I also think that they put on the best show just in general, but I enjoyed Iron Maiden a lot because they had the most like

theater kid energy to what they were showing. Constant costume changes. Yeah, it's great. Bruce Dickinson's skipping everywhere. The moment when he like did like the most awkward segue to like lead into Rime of the Ancient Mariner

and I got so excited and I'm like, oh, ha! And he's like, if you're not a diehard Iron Maiden fan, you're not going to get this song. I'm like, bitch, this is like, Samuel Coleridge is like, what the fuck? This is a new idea. That's my Samuel Colbert.

Bitch, please. Bitch. A pleasure dome he did he decreed. But this isn't a metal podcast. Should we get into that most metal of a vampire's Dracula? He's kind of metal. He's in the conversation. He's certainly in the conversation.

I don't know that he would listen to it. There's not a cyber Dracula who is the most metal. I think there was. Dracula 2000. In Dracula 2000, I think it's the part where he is. like a dracosaurus. It's like a truckosaurus, but he's a Dracula?

Probably, yeah. He's a truck dinosaur Dracula. That's a pretty metal Dracula. It would be. There's the part of the thing in Dracula 2000 where he turns on some kind of early 2000s or late 90s metal music and he goes, oh, wonderful,

or something like that. I love it. I was like, I don't think he really would love it. So let's talk about Dracula. So the thing about this Dracula is this is this is the new version that was directed by Luke Besant, best known still probably for the person. Another person we don't agree with it.

Yes. Best known for the professional and for his interest in underage girls. And so we don't, I feel like that's... The professional, but also... Wait. Fifth element. Fifth element. Yeah, yeah.

That's a big... That's his other really big one. Yeah. And he's made other movies, but... And he's a stylist. He was part of the French film movement of the 90s that was... And I guess late 80s, that was about style over substance. Like, officially, like, we are about style.

Yeah, like, what was it? Like, something due image, like film do image or something like... And let's just say from right of the bat we do not approve of his personal life. He seems to be a bad man. Seems to be not great. And this version of Dracula

seems to be a I think among his greatest crimes though is his misunderstanding of the Dracula story as portrayed in this. And the funniest thing about this version Dracula is that send the fucking gendarmes after him. We all did some research

and saw that he was like I had to go back to the original book because there's this beautiful love story in the book and it's like, that's not in the book. Dog. That's in Francis Ford Coppola's, Bram Stoker's Dracula. You did not read the book.

So it's very funny that he was presenting this. I forgot about the big sections of the book where a bunch of fucking little gargoyle babies run around. There's two wonderful introductions to the Dracula mythos in this. One is his G.GI Gargoyle henchman, and the other is his perfume expertise. I can't put enough stress on how good the perfume stuff is. Is that the best stuff in the movie?

Easily. It feels like he's like, well, I really want to make this movie about a guy controlling people of perfume. But they say they'd only give me money if I said it was about Dracula. I tried to license the book perfume, which they did make a movie of,

but they wouldn't let me. I also want to say, like, while we're talking about this non-love story, that's not from Bram Stoker's book, there's the other, an interesting thing is like, obviously we cannot know the sexuality of deceased authors, but there's a lot of like credible speculation

that Brom Stoker was gay or bisexual and like to me it sort of comes out in the book where I feel like the early stuff with Jonathan Harker where he's like keeping Jonathan Harker in the castle is the stuff with the most juice and it kind of loses steam for me when like he switches to Mina as the focus of his

certainly when his relationship with Mina in the book at least in my remembering of the reading of it because I've only read it a couple times is that she is a... a tool for him to get at the men who he wants to get at. He is not really that interested in her as anything other than

I think a vessel. Yeah, a pawn. And maybe that's misreading a little bit. But each version after that has built in this romantic attachment to Mina. Yeah. Love story across the ages.

And I will say like Dracula, when I see a bad Dracula movie, I'm not like, how dare they? Because there's so many of them. Dracula is such a literally immortal character that like they'll be making Dracula movies 400 years from now probably where Dracula

tri-de hologram sniff of visions or whatever they have sounds good sure but the but I feel what about Quibi

can they do it on Quibi I want a quick bite of Dracula he also wants a quick bite of you you know you you want quick bite

than Dracula Dracula he's doing a fucking state upset huh so that's Yakov Smyrub's what a streaming

platform bit Quibi what a streaming platform He would have made a good Dracula. He would have made a hilarious. They should, when he was a hot comic,

they should have made a movie where he is a Dracula who, a Dracula who immigrates to America and is enamored of America, but is also a vampire. What a fun movie that movie. I probably mentioned this on the podcast before, but like when I was early...

And by fun movie, I mean, it would be a terrible movie. When I was early in New York, I can't remember whether it was from my wife at the time's job or my... internship at like the local NPR station. But somehow we got like free tickets to Jakoff Shmarnoff was like trying to do a Broadway show.

Oh, I remember when he had that show up. Yeah. And like we went and saw it and we were like, we saw the first half of it and we're like, oh, that was okay. That was like not bad, better than we expected. We have no interest in seeing the second half. Yeah, was the name of the Broadway show, my dad's Russian. My mom's a comic. I'm, uh, I don't know.

I think it was called like America. love you or something like that. Yeah. So, but anyway, that's all to say that Dracula is one of those immortal stories like Shakespeare's plays or the Odyssey or something where it's like, do what you want with it. Like it's not going away. Yeah. So, but that being said, he makes

some interesting choices in this one. So we start 1480, A.D., Eastern Europe. There's this wind-up music box that's playing a song as a man or woman who will learn our Vlad. So see, a wind-up music box, that's another theme of Shocktober. If only Matthew Lillard was in Dracula,

I was hoping. Shocktober would have had its theme. So a man and woman, Vlad and Elizabetha, they're married. They're having sex, they're having pillow fights, they're feeding each other, they're doing lovey things. They clearly love each other. They're also shooting pillows with guns. That's how you know you're in law.

Well, how you know you're in love is what they do next, they sprinkle rose pebbles on each other. They smear food on each other. And they seem to like to pretend to convulse in front of each other. Like, at a certain point, passion becomes epilepsy, the way that they do it. Knights and armor arrive. They tell Vlad, who is, of course, a prince of Transylvania, that...

Wallachia? Wallachia, yeah, thank you. The kingdom is under attack, and the knight take him away. They dress him in his monster armor, which looks... He's got to have monster armor. But the problem is that, again, the fucking Francis Ford Coppola armor is still, like, peak monster armor.

Sure, yeah. The, like, red red shit. Well, also, like, you know, Luke Besson, if he's going to bring anything to Dracula, you're like, okay, well, he's going to bring some sort of like nutty visual flair. But we have that again, like Francis Ford Coppola's version goes so much further. It's already like, yeah, luxuriously over the top and give its visuals. Yeah.

But, and also I, Francis Ovalu'll I assume had 10 times the budget maybe. Yes. That Luke Besson has. Elizabeth says, yes, she can't, I can't survive without you. So come back, you know, from these wars against the Turk. The bishop blesses the king so we can fight the Muslims. and the king, Vlad tells the bishop, tell God while I'm gone, don't kill my wife.

But if she dies, kill me too because I can't live without her and he rides off. I mean, if it's really important, you should tell God himself. I know that probably at this time you feel like you need someone in an intermediary. I don't know. But he's kind of leaving a message.

Just judging by the way when Tevia talks to God, it doesn't really get results. Right, right. And so I feel like it's a lot of like, how do I get, how do I talk to someone who has pull with God? Yeah, would this constitute a contract with God? In a way, but again, the contract with God also does not actually bear fruit metaphorically.

So that's something that... Except for awards. Except for a dubious distinction as perhaps the first graphic novel. Doesn't it work for a while, but then he wants to renegotiate and that's kind of the issue? I don't think so. No, I don't believe so. If I'm remembering correctly, I think it's that he loses it. He loses faith because God.

breaks the contract. We're of course talking about. Will Eisner's A contract. You could look it up or don't. I mean, you can't, I mean, there's a good book. It's a good book of short stories. Some of them are great.

One or two of them are like, meh or a little troublesome. But it's, if you want to read a comic book about Jewish people in the Lower East Side, Will Eisner's work is where you can go for that. Yeah, it's good. Yeah. Don't go to James Sturm's work.

His work is about the old country often. Oh, cool, yeah. But anyway, we're about baseball teams. Anyway, so Jewish baseball teams. So the queen's supposed to go to another castle for safety, obviously, so that when Mario is looking for her, he can find just a toad in a sack and say, no, your queen's the difference is from the castle. I do like the visual image of her, like, riding around with this crazy long train.

Yes. I think the style is mainly dedicated to her outfits. Yes. I think there's a, when she is in action in those outfits, it is a level of what I would call November rain melodrama. Thank you. Which is well-go. Which is perfect in a vampire.

A vampire movie should have that level of melodrama and like glorious romance. I mean, in a lot of ways, November rain is about vampires. I mean, Hollywood vampires. Wait, were any of the members of the Hollywood vampires? I don't know. They feel like it. Also, it appears. Slash is fairly vampire.

I feel like they're like, if they're not, they're not like brothers, but they're certainly cousins. Sure, sure, yeah. It appears like they're shooting in, like, you know, locations that are, like, of the time, of the period that have been preserved, like... Yeah, I mean, there's forests and castles and stuff like that. Well, like, the beautiful, like, and room. Like, I don't know.

Yeah, yeah, no, they're preserved by the little garglew babies. Like, whoever the location manager was on this movie did a good job. Yeah, that stuff was gorgeous. Yeah, whoever was scouting did a great job. So, but the queen, uh, that we see two things now, there's a, there's a battle scene, but the same time the queen, her guard is ambushed. Oh, no. She's on the run. She's no longer protected. Vlad, he's fighting a battle. First, he starts with a wall of CGI fire to hold back the enemy troops, and there's lots of shield and sword clanging, lots of sped-up motion.

Vlad wins his battle. He's got lots of impaled heads. Yeah, they like, the Sultan is watching from his camp tent, and he sees just a wall of heads get erected, yeah. And wall of heads is a pretty good album cover. That's a great cannibal corpse song. and he leaves and Vlad gets word his queen is in the forest of wolves. Oh no. Oh no, that's the worst forest of the world. The forest of cakes is a much better forest to be in.

Weirdly enough, the wolves aren't the problem in this forest though. She's being chased by Ottoman troops. By Ottoman troops. And it's like lousy with bear traps. Yes, it seems to be she's running, she's riding through the field of bear traps and they're all hidden under snow.

So they catch some of the bad guys. The rapper? Yes, yeah, Informer and so forth. Name another Snow song. If you're going to wear the Informer T-shirt, Dan. You caught me. I'm a big fan. I wouldn't bring it up normally,

but he is wearing a shirt that says World's Biggest Snow fan. Licky Boom-Bum-Down in the big letters. Dan does use the catchphrase Licky Boom-Boon Down. I mean, it's kind of fucked up that they made that shirt and sold it if there's only one world's biggest fan. Because it's like a Highlander type thing.

You're supposed to fight each other until there's only one left. Same thing with, like, World's Greatest Dad, right? You have to fight the other dad. Eventually, I will meet all the other dads on the field of battle. We'll wielding only a mug. Yeah. We'll see who wins. World's meanest grandma.

Meanest grandma. Why would you make a monk that says that? And I say that as someone who had a mean grandma. I loved her deeply, but still. So Vlad arrives, so one of the bear traps catches her horse and then her leg. Vlad arrives, kills a bunch of the troops. But I couldn't tell if he killed. the last one too late or if he accidentally threw a sword through his wife?

I, that's how I saw it. Okay. The sword he threw in his rage and his, I don't know, like I feel like he's stunting on these guys to throw swords. And it went through the bad guy into his wife. Yes. Oh, okay. I was not fully clear on whether the bad guy had stabbed her or if he had been stabbed, she'd been stabbed by blood. Which is a little bonkers that a throne sword would do that.

I just feel. I mean, to be fair, this is a movie about a vampire. Yeah. So certain physics have to be thrown on the window. But you would have to have enormous arm strength to hurl a blade like that, which is not that sharp a blade. Like those blades are not made for that kind of work, really. But like to then go through a human body.

Yeah, a large part of it is the heaviness of the metal that you are. And it's not weighted for being thrown. No, not at all, no. But this also adds an extra level to him blaming God for his misfortune. Yes, it's his fault. That was his oopsie. I think maybe that's why God does not take the blame. This is your oopsie.

This isn't my boner. It's your boner, Vlad. That was back when boner meant a mistake. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, it didn't just mean Kirk Cameron's best friend on growing pains. Yeah. So Vlad confronts the bishop and he's like, tell God to bring my wife back. And the bishop is like, God doesn't do that.

Just one dude comes back and he's God. And so Vlad kills him and renounces God, thunder, lightning. The Crucifix cries blood. And then we skip forward. Skip ahead. 400 years later, we're in Paris in the 1880s. Everyone's breakdancing. And we get our name actor for the movie, Christoph Waltz.

He shows up eating lunch in a church. Guys, and I'm going to go on limb here. I think he's fine in this movie. He is. He's pretty fun. He doesn't do a lot. He's fine. But his character is supposed to be pretty cash.

So I think it works okay. Like it also looks like for hair and makeup. he was like, no, I'm good. I like, they're like, you want to run a comb through that thing? He's like, nah, it's all right. There's no Van Helsing in this movie, but he's sort of the Van Helsing equivalent. He's just a priest, a local priest who, you know,

has a sideline, I guess, fighting the forces of evil. But which is, you know, connected. It's not like that much of a sideline. But I do like how casual he is toward the end of the movie. Not to give spoilers this early, but like how he's just kind of like,

chill when Dracula's threatening him. He's like, do you really want to do this? You got to think about this. He's, that he's a member of an order who has been seeking, will learn, has been seeking out vampires to try and find the like, er vampire for 400 years.

And when it's done, he's like, yep, the evils cleanse, see you. That's it. Peace out. I can take a nap. And he is very much, he's called just the priest or pre-s,

he's never really given a name. He's the Van Helsing figure in this movie. He shows up. He's handling, special missions to the Vatican, as we'll find that later, he's hunting out vampires. He's there for a case that's, he's in Paris, because there's a case that's very concerning to the queen of England. And I was like, I don't really, wasn't quite sure why that was the case.

Other than that, Dracula, the book is set in England rather than in France. Yeah. It adds a little sort of like leave extraordinary gentlemen sort of flavor. And there's a doctor who takes, uh, waltz to a Parisian asylum where Maria, the Italian fiancé of the Queen's nephew is being held. That's why it's why the Queen is involved. And there's documents they found that show Maria

is 135 years old. I mean, back then documents were fucked up. Dubious, yeah. And she went, what we find out. It's like it's like a fucking like one of those like enhanced driver's licenses or something. The real ID? All documents were

fucked up back. If you read the Bible, there's some weird stuff in there. It's some crazy stuff. This guy gets eaten by a fish. And then He's fine. What is this whale fall? Have you seen that trailer? That trailer is crazy. I have not seen the trailer yet.

I read the book because former Blop House guest Gillian Flynn actually recommended the book. Oh, okay. I heard it's good. Yeah, the book was pretty good. I don't know how they're going to make that into a fucking movie.

I mean, I just think it's... So much of it is internal. It was hard enough to believe that the move... Inside the whale. Yeah, in multiple ways. But the trailer, it was so funny because the trailer, I've seen it twice, play immediately after the Resident Evil trailer

and both star Austin Abrams. And there's just something so funny about like, okay, so this guy's like learning about diving. Oh my, wait, wait, there's a, wait, now he's in the whale? Okay, that's the whole movie. No, it's just hard as hard for it was for me to believe that the moon would fall into the earth and crush it. The idea that there's a giant whale falling from space

that's going to crush the earth. I just don't buy it. I mean, hitchhiker is that one whale falls out of space, but it's not so big it's going to crush the earth. That's true. Even Douglas Adams' prodigious imagination couldn't imagine that far. It could be. Giant whale?

Oh, no. Could be an extinction event, though. I mean, like, you get a big enough asteroid, you know, it's going to... The asteroid that caused a dinosaur extension was the size of Manhattan. You would need a whale the size of Manhattan. Okay. With the density of an asteroid. I don't have one of those.

Do you have one? No, I don't. Where would you keep it? Manhattan. Manhattan? I guess. You're like, oh, the storage costs on this manhatt-sized whale are driving me. I can't afford anything.

I'm not fired. I'd upgrade from Manhattan mini storage to Manhattan maxi storage. That's a little local flavor. I don't like their advertising. I find it pandering. It's the only place that I can store a whale this big. You keep it a whale in there. It smells like a whale as no sir.

No, no, no, not at all. Spells real briny in your storage unit. In terms of your contract specifically state, no whales. No, it's mostly furniture, some old CDs. So why is it, why is it so briny? I'm done pickling. I'm doing a lot of pickling in there. I need a storage place for my pickling.

You're operating a pickling company out of there? No, no, no, not a company. No, no, it's just, I have jars of kimchi. I need a place to blow up. All right, all right. Well, I also heard a like, that's the kimchi, yeah, yeah. No, I'm playing a whizzy. It helps the kimchi pickle, but it has the sonic vibration.

Orginisms. They love it. They love the whale songs. So tracking. So the reason she's there is she had some kind of reaction to the priest at the wedding. She's chained up in the asylum. Waltz is like, we can't assume this is a superstition thing, but she's a vampire. She wakes up, she's got fangs.

She's toying with them. She does a lot of tongue movement. And Christopaltz, like, she's a vampire, all right. The first vampire ever captured alive. The direct ray of the sun burns her a little bit. And vampires are okay in the light as long as they're not in direct sunlight. Yeah, like grim ones.

Like Grammys, yeah, exactly. And he gives her... Unlike us at the metal festival yesterday. Oh, boy, yeah. I was going to burst in a flame. Waltz gives her some drops of blood from the doctor's student, and he finds the puncture wound on her neck,

the bite of Dracula. And he's like, we've been looking for the source vampire for 400 years, and she's like, ah, the master is a prince looking for his princess. Meanwhile, there's an Englishman, you know who he is, Jonathan Harker, gets dropped off by a coach in the middle of the woods, there's wolves all around stalking him. There is very little actual wolf action in this movie,

considering Dracula is close to wolves. Yes, very little bat. High gargoyle. High gargol, low bat, low mist. You said, it's Dracula movie, we're going to see wolves, we're going to see bats, no, you're going to see perfume, you're going to see gargoyles. So he finds this big castle.

This castle is enormous. Like it's huge. It's really spooky. Seemingly staffed by no one. There's a part, at a certain point he walks in and there's some noticeably Star of David shaped light arrangements in the background, which is the moment where I said,

fuck you, fuck this movie. I don't like that. Yeah, that's, I mean, that is one of the like classic anti-Semitic trop elements. Yes, very much. That we eat blood, yeah. But also, which is ironic. The ironic, here's the guy thing about the blood libel guys.

They're like, oh yeah, they use Jewish children's blood to this. In kosher food? You can't eat blood. It's against the law. You cannot do it. That's why they drain the blood out of animals they butcher and the meat is really dry

and does not have enough flavor. So like I would love to be, for my ancestors to be allowed to season their food with the blood of Gentile children, but it is not allowed. So they don't do it. And this is where we meet 400-year-old Dracula. And this is, I mean, this is the most clear moment

where we're like, He is taking a direct inspiration from Bram Stoker's. Because he is just like when Gary Oldman shows up with his butt-shaped hair. It is just like that. It's like, what if we did this but like slightly different? Yes. He's all... The hair's a little less butt shape.

But it's still silly. It's still a silly haircut. And he's kind of like bangs. Do you like my bangs? I wasn't sure about them. I went through a big life change recently. I wouldn't do the hair salon and said, give me some fangs. And he thought I said fangs.

I do like it, though. But I mean, and I make these jokes, but I feel like... It covers my wide forehead. I feel like that is, like, we aren't only slightly sillier than the, like, general goofy attitude. Like, this Dracula is a little bit of a prankster and goof. Like, he's making, like, little jokes. He makes quips.

He's, like, making shit, like, fly around with his magic power. You know, I'm... He's dead and loving it. He is. I may be... I mean, I am looking for things to enjoy but I actually like the performance pretty well. He is playing a Dracula who,

I don't believe him as being a tortured romantic. But I do believe him as kind of a sly, goofy vampire. He is so much more fun. And I think he is... If they had called this Count Chocula, and it was an adaptation of Chocula, I'd be like, this is the way to play Count Chocula. They're fucking gagging for shit like that.

Yes, they are, yeah. So, I mean, I think, I feel like this, actor whose name is a three-name name that I don't remember. He's Caleb Landry Jones. Thank you. And he's in lots of stuff. He, I think he is best in the old kind of campy

Dracula role. Like when he's the like tortured like romantic, I feel like that doesn't quite fit his his vibe. Well, yeah, I mean, at that point you're like, well, yeah, he needs that perfume to attract these ladies because he's a weirdo. Wow.

He definitely has a weird aura about him. But like, he's got, he's, he's a lot sexier when he's a weird old wrinkle man. It's strange that way. He has a, when he's, when he's driving those nuns wild as we'll get to, and they're orgying around him, I'm like, I believe it. But later on, Mina falls for him so fast. And I was like, I don't buy this. He seems like a weirdo creep who keeps, we won't leave her alone. So anyway, they're eating a big, they go sit down to dinner.

Jonathan eats a big dinner. as you said, Dracula's making dishes fly around. It's great. He's like the wizard in the sword and the stone. And I enjoy the fact that like Jonathan Harker keeps sort of looking away whenever he does something magical. He never sees it. Whenever Dracula is about to like dips, drops of blood into his mouth,

he like kills a mouse on the table and then like squeezes the blood into his goblet and then sticks his finger in and then is taking drops of blood. John is always like looking at the battlements, you know. He sees the wooden crucifix that the coachman gave him for protection. He's like, are you religious? He's like, oh, no, no, no, this is from the coachman. And then, like, when he's looking away, he whists it into the fire. Like, what, let me just deal with that?

Get rid of that. And so they have it, they have it. This is a pretty fun scene. And he's like, Dracula's like, I don't go out much. I used to travel, but now I send my associates to do that. I don't get around much anymore. And meanwhile, Jonathan unpacks in a little bit as Dracula listens to his gramophone. This is a modern Dracula.

He has a gramophone. We go back to France and father Christoph Waltz. He inspects Maria. bedroom where he was the vampire. He finds a picture of Elizabetha that's been torn out of a book from Dracula's castle. And Harker is exploring the castle with a lantern. He finds Dracula

in his coffin and Dracula's like, you should have gone to bed and knocks him out. Having a nice stay, and when Harker wakes up... Also, I'm like, it's nighttime. Why is he in bed, dude? This is like the only time he gets to hang out. That's the crazy thing. He's like, why is he asleep now?

Yeah, he's like trying to, like, I mean, I think that's, yeah, that's fucked up. And I forget if it's here later that where Harker finds the book that the page has been ripped out of that we say, but anyway, it doesn't matter. Harker wakes up in chains, three CGI Gargoyles are watching over him. Which is, we're going to see more than three. Like they are...

There's a lot of them, yeah. They are like the umpalumpas of this castle. They're all over the place. They don't sing songs, unfortunately. Yeah, that would be so... Ackla, Dracula, here's what you'll do. I would love that. All of the blood is coming from you.

Yeah, exactly. Draining from you. That's what you. But these, also, these gargoyles, it's the first time you see them, and I was like, wait, what? But I was hoping to be on hope they would each talk

and have their own personality. Hey, Tommy, get out of my way. I was waiting for to be like a hunchback of Notre Dame, the Disney version. Yeah, like Roger Rabbit's weasels. Exactly, exactly. The Dracula talks to him about his philosophy of everyone being play things

of either God or the devil, and then he hangs harker upside down as the gargoyles have like a basin and they're catching the blood that's dripping out of him. Yeah, he's going to eat this fool. And Dracula at this point, he's talking about God, he's rambling and he laughs and he makes it sound like a howler monkey. I was like, that is some laugh track.

And Jonathan Archer has his last wish, he wants to hear Dracula's story. Dracula can't resist that. So the gargoyles lower him down, they chain him to a chair. Is that from the original? That's from the book, right? Where he's like, that's how he is able to stay alive. I just say he's like, tell me your story.

I don't remember that part. I don't remember. I remember they lose from this Dracula's brides. Or is this a different like myth or something that I'm confusing? I don't know. I mean, they lose from this Dracula's brides coming into his room and Dracula's shoeing them. And there's, it's like this movie is following the general, a general plan of action of Dracula. But there's a lot of stuff they don't do, you know.

And it's frankly weird to me that Luke Bissan missed the opportunity to have like a bunch of sexy ladies. Yeah. You know, in a scene. Well, and Dracula's Brides, you know, like, I don't know. Maybe it's just me. But I feel like they're a high point in almost any adaptation. Yes. Yes.

I agree. I mean, to be honest, in the book, that's maybe the most exciting scene to me because it is, in that scene, you have everything that Dracula is, which is the mixture of fear and horror and temptation, you know? Yeah. And it seems so establishes what the thing of the book is that everything after that. I'm like, yeah, then Dracula goes to London. And everything about him buying a house

and moving is kind of silly to me. I mean, the trip to London is good too, like on the boat. Well, that's great, on the Daughtalus and everything. Yeah. The ship of dead men that crashes into the shore and the big black dog jumps out of it. Yeah, that's great. I do think that everything in London kind of loses to you.

Yes. I mean, I remember reading the book and being like, when are we going to get to London? And then by the time we got there, I'm like, I kind of want to go back. Yeah. And so it's a, yeah, it's a book that's how Little Stewart taught. I mean, if there's a flaw with Dracula, the book is that

it starts so atmospherically and so strong and it just can't live up to that stuff unfortunately but it's still a great book and it's one of those books Dan won't like me to say this but I feel like the Sherlock Holmes stories where the myth of it is better than the actual thing you know like Sherlock Holmes I think is a greater character than any of his stories necessarily are well that I'll know I'll agree with that I like the thing is like there's so many home stories

written over like a long period of time where the author is getting tired of his own creation. The best of them, like I go back to him like, wow, this is actually like really like well written in addition to everything else. But yeah. But Dracula's on that level. So anyway, Dracula, he tells his story again.

God denies him death because he rejected God and he's talking about losing Elizabethan and he flashed back to her funeral and he's like, I've been waiting 400 years for her to return because pure souls can be reimbursed. So this is one of the things that one of the issues I have is the idea that he's like, they have this love that transcends time and it's this idea of like a trans migrating soul. So what is important is that she looks exactly like the woman I was in love with.

Like she has to look exactly like this person otherwise not interested. It's possible her pure soul has been reincarnated many times. but in different bodies. And so he's like, nah, don't know, don't care. It turns out what I really loved was her boobs. So I really need those to be reincarnated. But he is... I mean, again, I don't think the movie touches on something like this.

There's something where you could do where it is like he keeps seeing... Like he is a part of like his torture is that he is seeing women who look exactly. exactly like the woman he loved. But that aren't her. Yeah. They don't have her soul. I like that take on him. You don't see that. Instead, he's, he just mopes around a lot.

He goes through the plague years. He's looking for her. He's so lonely. He envies the dead. He lays down on her grave in the rain. And then he gets up in the snow. And it's like, wait, so you were lying on her grave for like weeks? Like, I guess you can do that. You're a vampire. He jumps out a window but survives. He keeps, there's a funny scene where he keeps jumping out of the window of his castle and surviving and then going back and doing it again,

and getting increasingly beaten up. And this is when we get to the highest point of the movie. Dracula shows Jonathan Harker a perfume he developed using all the things he learned in his travels in Baghdad and India about different flowers. He spent years collecting fragrances. He goes to Florence and they finally have this perfume that can attract women instantly.

So potent, it mesmerizes them. And he uses that to go to a series of different 18th century ballrooms and make all the women dance. doing the same exact thing. Yes. And it's cut together, so it's like coming from like different eras, different like groups of...

And he's like, he's in Russia, he's in France, he's in... And the costuming is fun. And it's like the color palette's cool. If the whole movie had been like this, I'd be like, yes, yes, give me this. And it is, but it goes on for a while. So there is a big chunk of the movie.

For a while, you are just watching Dracula using perfume to make women dance in, in synchronicity. And you're like, all right, I guess he's the Prince of Darkness. Like, he's the Lord of Evil. It's also like one of these things where, I don't know, you know, you see these movies where someone invents something and, you know, maybe my brain has been warped by capitalism as much as anyone else. But I'm like, why are you just like monetizing this invention you've made? Like, like, rather than using it for this silly adventure.

And I'm like, Dracula, give up your like evil quest, like become a perfume guy. No, because Dracula's already rich. He doesn't care about that. And I fucking hate perfume guys. Like when I'm at the gym and I'm just smelling dudes, cologne. I'm like, get the fuck out of here, dude. I don't really come to contact with perfume, guys. I feel like people who wear too much cologne or perfume,

like, to me, that is a form of assault. Like, ugh, I hate it. And that's how I feel about when I'm in an office and someone starts unpealing an orange near me. I feel assaulted by the smell. Thank you, Stuart, for it. Like the smell of an orange? Yeah, I don't like it.

It's too strong. I don't like it. Okay. It's a suffocating smell. I feel like that's, to me, there's something about bad cologne or perfume that has this like almost alcohol, like, acidity to the, like, there's something about the smell

that, like, burns my nose. Like, you know, I'm not, I know that Elliot has a particular distaste for fruit. So I'm not trying to downplay his sensitivity to it. But for most humans, an orange is a relatively subtle smell. Mild smell, yeah. But, like, people who really love Cologne douse themselves in it.

Yes. And, like, you know, Where I encounter is, of course, every taxi or car drivers. Car service driver, yeah. Love Cologne. Love it. And I know it must be that, like, the car gets stinky from everyone. Yeah, yeah.

This is not fixing it, sir. This is adding another level of unpleasantness on top of the funk. Like, I've heard that, like, strippers where part of the reason they wear a lot of perfume is to mask the smell of the men in the place. I would assume so. and, you know, obviously natural body smells. Do you think that's what cab drivers are doing, like car service drivers? Well, they should take classes from strippers because, in my experience...

I mean, yes. I think they'd be in favor of that, a lot of them. Yeah, yeah. It's a much more pleasant sort of, like, vanilla-e smell that you get, not this overpowering, like... Anyway, so that was smell talk. We had a little bit... We live the same... If we're going to fucking talk about smells, it's talking about perfume Dracula.

This is back to our pilot for our other podcast. For your fragrance podcast. So anyway, there is a scene. He does go to Versailles. He believes he's found Elizabetta, but it's the wrong woman. And he is disgusted. And she's like a huge bitch to him. Yeah, she just laughs at him.

He sees everyone. They're gorging on food. They're vomiting. They're peeing into buckets. They're just having sex against the walls. He's disgusted. Disgusted. So he bites that woman and turns a bunch of people into vampires.

He bites like a dozen women to turn them into vampires. He's so mad. It is kind of funny because it's, It's either a montage that's supposed to all be at the same place or at multiple places, but he's biting all these women and they're still just like people hanging out in the background. And he's like getting blood all over his face. Yeah, there are a lot of people who didn't seem to realize what's going on. Yeah, but I guess that's the thing they're so like caught up in the Baccanol.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, and they're oblivious to the world around them. They're so caught up in themselves. They're like, man, is that a special effect? And you're like, they didn't invent those yet. Which is strange because when the revolution came and they were chopping these same people's heads off, they were aware. They were very aware that they were getting their heads chopped off. So Vlad, he opens up his wife's grave. Her body has turned to ash.

That just happens. He goes to his castle. The gargwills are just stacking up all the treasure. The disciples are sending him. And meanwhile, we go back to the present in the 1880s. John Harker is like, oh, I just got engaged. Oh, I forgot to tell you. Look at my locket.

There's a picture of her. The picture of Mina, his fiancé, looks just like Elizabetha. He loses his shit. Uh-oh. That is, he gives the reaction that I want my wife to give when I send her like a shirtless pick of me. He like, loz-oing? Yeah, he's, he like, loses mine.

He goes, oh, it's my wife, it's my wife. And to thank you for finding her, you will only live as a prisoner forever. I will not, I won't eat you. So anyway, Vlad, he shouts commands his gargoyles. I mean, that means he gets to hang out the gargues all the time. That's pretty sick. That'd be really fun.

But is he from the gargoyles? But first he's like, gargoyles, I need blood. I need to be young. young again, make me young. And I really wanted her to be like a makeover montage. Yes. There isn't, unfortunately. No, instead they're just like,

go to the nunnery. You go do it, dude. Heidi to a nunnery. Yeah. Was that what Hamlet was saying? Go to Nunnery and drink their blood to get young again. Yeah. That was in the,

not the first folio, but folio 0.5. That was when Anne Rice took over for the Shakespeare estate. And he does, this would be the perfect place for a song like the song in the 5,000 Fingers of Dr. Dr. T. where Dr. T's things about all the fancy clothes he's going to wear, but there is none, unfortunately. Dr. T. in this case would be Dr. Transylvania.

Exactly. Yeah, Transylvania is 6,000, of course. But in this case, Dr. T. is with the woman. The women and the nuns who he's just blood he's supping on. Yeah, exactly. As opposed to Mr. T., who, of course, failed to get his doctorate. He pities fools for a living. Professionally. Yeah, Mr. T. Fool pittier.

Yeah. You know, I could, I would feel. I would feel very good if I was pitied by Mr. T. You know, I'm like, thank you. Thank you, Mr. T, for extending me that empathy. Well, he's talked about, I mean, since past, but he talked about his philosophy was you can't hate a fool because they don't know better.

You can only pity them. You can hate someone who knows and does wrong. But a fool is someone who doesn't even know. Oh, you can do is pity him for doing the wrong thing. Anyway, deep thinker. We can all take that away from the show. He had a lot of thoughts, not a lot of letters in his name. But T's stood for thoughts.

So Christopher Waltz is like, well, he tells the director, well, Dracula's coming. And he reads a little bit of vampires, it's cursed from God, but God can forgive the offender if they repent, and then God will let them die, and their victims will be saved. This is important to know. By coincidence, Me and Murray has just shown up to check on her friend Maria, Maria the vampire.

And she's like, oh, yeah. She's like, my good friend that I met, like, one time. She's like, I met Maria at a tea party, and it's shot in like a 70s film which is very funny Sorry, this is just in passing They like braid each other's hair and shit It's like they meet once

And she's like And Maria recognizes Mina And is like I'll come up to my room And they're just hanging out In their petticoats Braiding each other's hair Like hanging out on the bed

Like they're instantly best friends Yeah This is just in passing But I want to mention that I found it very amusing Like an earlier scene Where Christoph Waltz is talking to someone About Maria

And he's like He's like basically like the good news is she's alive. But he's like talking around the idea that she's a fan time. Yeah, that's funny. We see the flashback to Maria having her allergic reaction to a clergyman. It's a very violent reaction. And Meade admits to Waltz.

And when Chris Avolt sees Mina, he like does like a double take where he like looks at her and then he looks at the page he's holding. He's like, what? I'm seeing double. Huh? I'm seeing double to Elizabethan. And she's like, I admit to you, doctor. I don't feel like I belong in this time,

which is something, I don't know what that feeling feels like, guys. That feeling of like, I should have been born in a different time. I don't belong here. I feel like of my friends, you are one of them that is most old-timey. I guess that's true. But I like being an old-timey guy in modern times, you know. If I was in old-timey times, I'd just be a regular, you know. I just want to go a little bit back.

I don't want to go back to anything to make me... To the 1480s? Give me too much discomfort. As a... Yeah, you were saying something, similar when we were watching Green Book. You're like, I just want to go back to that. I was like, someone's going to turn this into.

Yeah. I got to help it. I wanted to be sent way back so that I'm like a barbarian king. Well, we're at the, no, but you wouldn't be a barbarian king. You wouldn't be. Everyone thinks they would be a barbarian king. You would be a slave or a farmry who would die young. Can I please have some friends who think I would be a fucking barbarian king?

I just want you to be real estate. I want support. Everyone, part four. of the poisonous quality of those types of fantasies or like post-apocalyptic fantasies and everyone's like well of course I'd be a fucking warlord just exerting my will in the world no you wouldn't yeah I've never thought

that no I'm like I will die early I and as a Jewish guy who needs glasses the farther back you go in the past the worse it is you know so like I'm really I'm happier to live now you know and just think about the past go oh wouldn't that been great to see this thing it would not have been it would have been really bad for me So anyway, but she's all, they also see she's left-handed,

which is like another clue. Yeah, yeah. Meanwhile, Dracula goes to a convent, and he says he uses his perfume to control the nuns, and they paw at him. They become a tower of nuns lifting him up in the air. I think it's a pretty good sequence. It's a pretty fun scene.

This is, I mean, he basically wanders into a production of the devils. Yeah. And it just enjoys that for a little bit. And he is sucking on their blood. Oh, man, the devils. Now that's a fucking style movie. Now, that's a movie. Now, that's a movie.

getting a restored re-release. 4K. Oh, I didn't know that. Oh, wow. With the scenes that were cut out? Yeah, it's a new cut. Because I've only seen the theatrical release version. I haven't seen some of the scenes that were cut.

But anyway, still a good movie. Anyway, it's one of those movies where I remember the reputation of it was like, this movie is so fucked up. Oh, man, I watch it. I was like, it's pretty extreme, I guess, but it's like, there's not, it's also beautiful and cool. And it's, and it's rich with meaning. It's not like, it doesn't feel like,

like an exploitation film. No, not at all. I mean, I do think, like, I understand it from the stance of another time where people will be like, they're making fun of the church. Yeah. How could they do that?

Is that allowed? Rich with meaning, it's fucking sick. It's twisted, how deep the themes run. So, John and he tries to escape the castle, the gargoyles chase after him. We get a little bit of gargoy excitement. He, like, falls onto the frozen lake. They're even

They're even throwing grappling hooks at them And they can't quite get him And I love that the first gargoyle To try and like go out on the ice after him And then falls through Is the one gargoyle with wings like dog The answer is on your back I can't imagine those wings are functional

You know they're so heavy those things You know Yeah It's not just that a bird has wings They also have very light bones You know the feathers help with that stuff to Welcome to Bird Fax podcast Anyway, this is my backdoor pilot for the birdhouse, yeah.

So the, but Harker has escaped. Dracula's coffin is taken to Paris. He shows up at the asylum for Maria. He gives her the doctor's assistant as a gift. You may have this one. The assistant is now a vampire. Maria has escaped. She goes to Mina's house and Mina's like,

I thought you were sick. And she's like, nope, totally fine. Why don't you come with me to the big festival, not louder than life. You go and come with a big festival and I want you to meet my friend Dracula. And they do. He is a young man now,

is smitten with Mina. They go to a street fair for a while. They're playing carnival games. And again, like, he is, he is like 50% as cool as Gary Oldman as young Gary Oldman, like Victorian Gary Oldman. He doesn't seem, he seems more like a guy who has read Dracula

and is trying to act like Dracula and kind of trying to be a cool, dark brooding character and failing more than he feels like a dark brooding character. He bought a duster. Yeah, basically. This is going to make me cool. they're at the street vessel for a while. They feed a lemur.

They go to a side show. Dracula's just kind of looming around. They go up to Dracula's rooms, and Maria leaves Mina and Drac alone to get a little more comfortable. And he plays the music box that his wife gave him 400 years ago, and Mina starts to remember their past,

but it unnerves her. And he's like, you should just have this music box, and he walks her home. And she's like, that's crazy expensive dog, and he's like, that's what... I made a music box, baby. Hot, gold running music boxes from.

You want a snuff box too? Here you go. Everybody's at the house. Jonathan Harker. That was a burkin bag for those days. It was like, given a music box. Jonathan Harker, Christoph Waltz, the doctor. They're all there.

She's like, I met this guy, Dracula. And they're like, oh, by the way, you should know, Dracula is a vampire. They check her neck to make sure he hasn't been in her. You are engaged already. But on top of that, he is a vampire. and she goes to a room and plays the music box and she starts having the memories of Elizabetha

and suddenly Dracula's there which again this seemed like a pretty standard vampire thing that they cannot enter a house they've not been invited into I could not remember if she invited him or not but it seemed weird he throws his perfume in the fire

he doesn't need it no more he woos her jogs her memory she starts kissing him I think they have sex but I'm not sure meanwhile her fiance and Christoph Waltz and the doctor are still downstairs, hanging out.

Mina should be down in any moment now. And she's like, she's like, take me, make me a vampire. And he's like, no, no, no. And she bears her neck. She's like, you got, bite me, bite me. And he finally bites her. Yeah, downstairs, Christopholts, smells Dracula's perfume. And it's like, I know that fragrance.

Hold on. They run into the room, but Dracula and Nina are running out of the chimney. Hold on a second. Is anyone wearing Dracula, ode to Dracula? Did you put some perfume on the logs in your fire? It smells a little bit like curve. Is anyone wearing X body spray in this house? Smells a little like that bottle that looks like an exclamation point.

You know what? We should have called it Dracula-No-Noar. That's what we should have called it. I thought you could say, Drax Body Spray. That would have been better, too. Oh, man. The problem with Axe Body Spray is, the commercials are that women literally, they literally adhere to you like other mommy,

and I don't know that you want that. Yeah. So Jonathan Riker agrees to... The original obsession is... I was like, babe, I got stuff to do. Hey, I know I love all these limbs, but come on, I got to work. Don't you want to mess with the kid? I think about...

Considering a movie I have not seen, I think about that trailer so often. Wait, which trailer? Other mommy. Oh, okay. It's a scary trailer, yeah. So... Yeah, that's like if Jack Torrance is like, hey, Ghost, can you fuck with my kid a little bit? I got stuff to do around here.

I gotta care take this whole hotel. It's pretty big. You know, like, you've been fucking with me and I think the kid, but you haven't really been messing with Shelly Duvall. Are you intimidated? Because I would be.

Yeah. Anyway, so John Larker is like, I'll guide you to Dracula's castle. So he and Christoph Waltz and the doctor go. And as we later learned, they managed to muster like an entire regiment

of troops to go with them. Maria arrives at her fiancé's house. She's about to bite him. But the hero, actually this is before they go to the castle. The heroes arrive, they fire her off, they cut her head off, they impale her. And her head, when it bumps into the doctor and knocks him over, which is such a silly slapstick moment. And I was like, this is something this movie needed more of.

Is that doctor character is this should be the slapstick character who is always falling down or like just getting... Sliping in pools of blood. There are times when it's like this movie wants to be Ram Stoker's Dracula, but it should be the fearless vampire killers. Like, that's the movie it should be. Meanwhile, Dracula's coffin is taken to Romania. Mina's inside it too, and it means the two of them are just staring into each other's eyes in the dark

for a long time. You know it's a little crazy in there. It must be so terrible. They walk around the castle, he introduces the gargoyles. Hey, I don't know, my boys. I'm stone. I'm stony.

This is Rocky. I'm Joe. I mean, ladies. If you go to your man's house for the first time, and he introduces you to like 20 little gargoyle roommates. I think maybe that's a red flag. That's a deal breaker. That's a deal breaker.

You go to his house for some intimate time, and his boys were all hanging around, and his boys are little gargoyles. Ladies, I don't have to tell you, kick that man to the curve. And you know, as soon as he cracks, he's going to go play Xbox with those gargoyles. Oh, he's going to bite you once.

Then suddenly he's off with his boys. His fangs are covered in Cheeto dust, and he's got to play, like, Call of duty? Yeah. He's up on the eaves hanging out. Spouting water. You're like, tracky, come down and spend some time with me.

And he's like, oh, babe, can you make me some blood for me and the boys? Do your wolf pack always have to be around? Yeah, babe, come on. What's the problem? They're bound to the castle, babe. Babe, babe, babe. Where were you last night? Nowhere, babe.

You smell like nuns. No, babe. You and the boys were out at the nunnery, weren't you? No, babe. I told you, I'm not going there anymore. No, it was just food. You're just eating, man.

They're just food. It's something to eat, yeah. Smell like nuns. Was that, votive candles? What is that? Holy Water. So they, Dracula's servants warn them

that the heroes are coming and Dracula's like, good job, thank you. You're all fired. And they just leave. And the heroes are waiting outside with a ton of troops. Where do you think these troops are from?

Like, what army they serve in? Well, I mean, the Austro-Hungarian army, were they Russian? Do they report them from England? Are they, they... Are they... Peshon mercenaries? Which they didn't have at the time anymore. Or, like, yeah, somebody hired out by the Vatican. Exactly. Yeah, maybe

they're the Swiss Guard. Maybe that's it. Yeah, I don't know. They don't look like it, but... Yeah, you're kind of the fucking buttons. Well, the Swiss Guard have that crazy... Those crazy uniforms, you know, they look really goofy. They look like they're going to put on a comedian-a-arte show in front of him. But no, they're just there to protect the public. Elliot's here to roast different

I would love it if I could do Elliot Killen's roast of various antiquated military uniforms That's a good bit Like an idea of like a red carpet Like social media roast But it's all just old-time I would love it

I would love it That'd be so great Love the plumes So did a bird die on your head? Yeah yeah Anyway that's supposed to cause fear in the in your opponent that you have a duster on your head.

Yeah. So anyway. Nice epaulets. Your shoulders is so big. What is? It's the 80s? Your shoulders were a little cold, so you wanted that extra strap on it.

Anyway, so with epaulets, it's the Elykin roast of Aubrey and Maturin. So anyway, they infiltrate the castle. Meanwhile, Mina is like playing the music box to call Dracula to her. Classic, classic lady.

Your castle's being invaded by troops, but she just wants more time with you. We talked about Drack and his boys, but when his girl will not let him deal with these troops. I want time. Give me time, Drac. Babe, babe, babe. It's like fake misogyny making up stereotypes about women

that they're just listening to music boxes all the time. No, but she's like, babe, spend more time with me. Babe, we never listen to the music box more. Babe, I got troops in my castle. I got to deal with this, babe. What about me? You always talk about the troops and the gargs. So the soldiers set up a cannon outside, a bunch of cannons.

Mina and Dracula are about to kiss when the artillery opens fire, and the soldiers go inside and fight the gargoyles. And our guys are just along for the ride. They're just watching soldiers getting killed by these gargoyles. And the soldiers are not doing a great job against the gargoyles. No, not great. Dracula goes out. I mean, they're probably not prepared to fight curfew.

No, that's true. But they do have guns, and they're not really using those much. But they're shooting a bullet against stone creatures. At least you've got to try. Maybe we'll knock it back. Dracula comes out. He's fighting the soldiers. The soldiers mainly stand around waiting for him to stab them.

And it's supposed to be one of those things where he's doing a lot of spins and like thrusts. But the soldiers are not, it's not that impressive because the soldiers are not doing anything. They're just around, you know. The heroes stand around waiting for the soldiers to die. They do not really are not doing much of anything for now. Well, you know, it's a distraction from them. Yeah. Maria's fiancé, the queen's nephew, tries to shoot Dracula.

just sucks that guy's blood. And Dracula closes the doors of his, like, crypt area. So it's just him and the priest. And they can debate God for a little bit. Does God want people to fight? And the priest's like, no, no, God sent me there to save you, Dracula. You need to repent, and that will free the soul of your beloved. She won't be damned to be a vampire forever.

And Dracula's like, I served God. I killed all these people for God. And he's like, God doesn't want you to kill his creation. I'm like, I guess he's got you there. He does. He does got you there. Yeah. Really, does God's guy To be wanting me to kill all those Turks?

That wasn't really God's guy. He didn't. There's a lot of weird. God's killed a lot of people for no reason. Yeah. Well, they would say that he has his reasons. We just don't understand that. He had a bad day.

Yeah, he had a bad day. He'd get the down. Has that song or something? I don't remember. Something about turning it around. He did turn it around. Yeah, God did turn the world around. Yeah.

I thought that was Superman. That's because Superman is a god figure. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Because God, if he kisses you, you also forget his secret identity. Jerry O'Connell I have to save my one love I mean that is the kind of thing a Greek god

would do you know not a Judeo-Christian-Islamic god but still so more soldiers are marching in there's more cannon fire Dracula's just sending his gargoy's out to fight them the priest sets up his vampire killing kit drag fights some more soldiers soldiers are just dying all over this part is just fighting

for the sake of fighting yeah it goes on a while Mina is like Dracula stay with me and the priest is like no you can show how you love her by letting her live as a human. And it works. Dracula's like, okay, absolve me. So the priest is like, I repent, you know, I absolve you of her sins and then stakes him through

the heart. Somehow the soldiers know at that moment that Dracula has been killed and they don't need to fight anymore. So they just kind of stop. And Dracula withers into an old man and he and Mina say they love each other for the last time. Then Dracula dissolves into CGI-I-Ash. All the canvas and the cast.

He should ask for the secrets of his perfume before he went. Yeah, that's true. He takes those with... No, that perfume shouldn't fall into the wrong. So he dissolves into CGIASH. This is right when Jonathan Harker burst into the room to just watch Mina crying over the ash before it floats up

into the sky and out a window. Wait, and also the doctor watches as a horde of pale children wander out of the castle and it's like, were these the gargoyles? Is this a five-nights-threaties type thing? Yeah, they're going to become warboys. Oh, they do look like war boys. But is it like, did he put the souls these children

into his gargoyles? Is my guess? Because otherwise, I don't know why those children are. I don't know. I didn't watch the gargoles TV show. He was running a daycare. Oh, which is weird because he's asleep during the day. Yeah. I don't know that. I dropped off my kids at drags daycare and there was not a lot of supervision.

Yeah. The kids came out all pale with black rings around their eyes. And bald. And bald. Also bald. My kids came out as war boys. They tell me that gargles were looking after them. You know, kids make up all kinds of stories.

Yeah. But then I stopped buying. and sure enough, there were gargoyles just handing out apple slices and cups of orange shoes and ginger ale. So, yeah, Harker finds Mina, she's just so sad and he just walks out. And the priest and the doctor are like, well, goodbye, they're just going to say they're not even going to travel back to Western Europe together, I guess.

That'd be awkward if they had to ride back together. So what do they say? The only thing in common was fighting Dracula. They have nothing in common now. Dracula's ashes blow away. So you've got plans this weekend? Do you have children? I don't know why they're all talking like Dracula.

Dracula's ashes. Yeah, I mean, they can't get him out of their head, you know. They're like, you'll know he's a cool guy. Remember what he said? Stuff like that. Dracula's ashes blow into the sky, which fills with light as the music box music plays. It's the end of Dracula, Luke Besant edition.

Do you think Mina and Jonathan are going to work out, guys? No. It's over. It's over. You can't see it. Boys, if you're, You see your girl distraught over her, her ex, turning into ash and floating away. Find another girl.

She's never going to let go of that guy. You're never going to live up to that. Every day that she spends with Jonathan Harker, she's like, I could be hanging out in a castle with a vampire that loves me beyond time, but no, instead I'm with you. This dude who barely notices when things happen around him. But I guess he's got a solid upper middle class living as a solicitor. Yeah.

Do you think, I mean... He's like, Jonathan, can you just have the gargoyles do that? Oh, no, you can't. Never mind. So is she, what's next for Mina? Now that she's freed, is she just going to like try and find a reincarnated Dracula to fall in love with? Does the cycle continue? Does she invent perfumes?

Maybe. Maybe she goes after Vlad's soul, but she's not immortal. So he better be reincarnated fast. I fear that probably the asylum and then the grave, but maybe she'll become a famous author who writes, romantic Dracula stories. That's actually a good idea. Yeah.

To write her own Dracula fan pick. Exactly. She heard a memoir called The Drach I knew, yeah. So as soon as the credit started, I turned it off. Was there any post-credit? There are no post-credit scene. There's no post-credit scene of her going to the chapel

and like cursing gods so she can become a cool. No, there's no scene of her going to, like at Dracula's funeral, and then the Wolfman shows up and goes, Oh, Mina, you want to go on a date? She goes, here we go again. So everybody, so does everybody who renowned God, do they become vampires or is it only when it's like a land holding

no building? That's a good question that the movie doesn't really get into. Do you have to be like a rich battle dude? I think you have to renounce him flamboyantly. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. So like when Liberace renounced God, he became a vampire. I mean. Count Liberatula.

Why do you get all those candelabras all over the place? Yeah, yeah. After his lady love was killed Caliboracci. I was going to tell you something about. So, time for final judgments. Was this? Is it ever? Yeah.

Totally scerifying, totally snorifying or frighteningly funny. I'm going to go ahead and say this is snorifying. But at its best moments, I almost kind of liked it. Like there were things in it when it, as we were saying, when it got more flamboyant or weird. When Dracula's using perfume to make women dames, yeah. But for the most part, the rest of it is just a retelling of Dracula

that's not very good. Not even a retelling of Dracula. A retelling of the movie of Bram Stoker's Dracula. Yeah, like someone saw Dracula years ago and wrote a screenplay based on their vague remembrances of Dracula. And we have so many Dracula already. We have Dracula at home. You don't need this Dracula.

Look, we are slowly. slashing prices on Dracula's. We are overstocked with Dracula's. Every track must go. So, yeah, I'm not into it. What do you say, Stuart? Yeah, I mean, this is snorifying. I think there are moments where...

There are some moments where you're like, okay, I could see the directions that this film could have gone that would have been more fun. Like, specifically, like, yeah, if they just leaned into being, making it sillier and worrying less about the love story angle. But the perfume stuff is, genuinely fun and the moment when like they chopped the head off of a vampire bride and blood squirt and

squirt and everywhere that was pretty fun but yeah it's not very good i'm gonna call christoph walt seems so bored he seems very bored yeah i'm gonna call it frighteningly funny i think there are enough moments here and there and even in the duller scenes there's like there'll be a little something that i thought was funny i did i there i think if they had pushed it further this could have been a pretty funny dracula comedy yeah i think and i think it fails to reach the high of melodramatic romance that it's going for, which is kind of funny. But I agree it's not as frighteningly funny

as it could or good bad as it could be. But I think it was. I would call it good bad, yeah. I feel also like it's the part of the challenge is centering the story on Dracula himself as opposed to the other characters. I think this is better than the other Dracula movie we did years ago on the flop house.

We did, um... Dracula unto. No, well, and better than that. We did like a Dario Argento Dracula. where they turned into a giant praying mantis at one point. Oh, yeah. I totally... What?

And I don't remember this. I think this is more of a good, bad movie than that. Okay. But it's a... I feel like there's a couple, like, wacky gore scenes that were fun in that one, but I don't remember anything else. I really only remember him showing up as a CGI giant...

Yeah, I do remember that. But, yeah, there's better Dracula movies, that's for sure. Mm-hmm. By now you've heard Eurovangelist. is the award-winning show all about the Eurovision Song Contest. So you already know we discussed the latest Eurovision news, look back on Eurovision history, and argue about which country should win the next Eurovision.

And you know the answer is Sweden, right? But you might not know that Eurovision is heading east. The first ever Eurovision Asia will take place this November in Thailand. All the Eurovision fun, choreon chaos you love. And we'll be covering all the songs and competitors every week from now until November, so you'll be ready for the big show in Bangkok. For all things, Eurovision Asia, tune in to Eurovangel. at maximum fun.org or wherever you get podcasts.

Hey, Sweden can't win Eurovision Asia, can they? New songs, new countries, same Oscar. Waterloo! Sunscreen companies calculate SPF by testing it on volunteers' butts. There is a can of spam in the Mariana Trench. A Nobel Prize-winning physicist from the Manhattan Projects invented modern speed bumps. Meso-American native people invented kidney medicine that glows in the dark. On the podcast, secretly incredibly fascinating, we explore this kind of amazing stuff.

Stuff about ordinary topics like sunscreen and spam and speed bumps. Topics you'd never expect to be, the title of the podcast, secretly incredibly fascinating. Find us by searching for the word secretly in your podcast app. And at maximum fun.org. Guys, I want to tell you a bit about our sponsors. And, you know, we're humans. We're not Dracula's. we can't subsist on blood we need to eat

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I like project cooking. I like making something fancy. But sometimes even a Dan McCoy gets tired. I know it's hard to believe the sleepy man gets tired. But sometimes I just need something. Adrenaline Dan McCoy? Yep. Jumping Jack Dan?

Yeah. My name is Jack and Dan? Just a little story about Jack and Dan. Anyway, continue, Dan. But for those times that I'm tired and I don't want. to have to worry about that sort of choice. I just want something good, something that's going to be good for me.

That's when it's good to reach for a factor meal. So let's eat real. Head to factor meals.com slash flop 50 off and use code flop 50 off. That's the numeral 50. To get 50% off and one free breakfast item per box for one year, wall supplies last until October the 31st Halloween, 2026. That's code flop 50 off.

at factormeals.com. Flop 50 off at factormeals.com. See website for more details. Before we go on with the show, I want to mention that Flop TV continues to be on the air. That's right, Flop TV, the one-hour online streaming video version of this very show. It's like the TV version of the Flop House

and you can watch it live. The first Saturday of every month at 9 p.m. Eastern, 6 p.m. Pacific. just go to theflophouse.com. For more information and to buy tickets, I recommend the six pack. That's six shows for the price of five, the season pass.

If you've missed the previous episodes, we started in September, that's okay. Your tickets get you access to the recordings of those shows. You didn't miss them, and you can watch them over and over again until the end of February.

The theme this season is, of course, the worst best picture winners, and we're just talking about a few of them. We've already covered Green Book and the greatest show on Earth, and in November, on November 7th, we'll be talking about the worst of the worst,

according to Stewart, Gladiator. Yeah, we're piling it all on Stewart because it's personal windmill to tilt at. So, join us as we talk about Gladiator. Every episode, there's a presentation, there's video segments. We really have been getting more and more professional,

amazingly, with each season of the show. But not so professional that it doesn't look a little... It still feels like the flop house, yeah. And it's been really fun. So join us. Saturday of each month through February at 9 p.m. Eastern, 6 p.m. Pacific.

Go to theflophouse.sympletics.com and you can rewatch those episodes as much as you can and see what other best picture winners we are going to see if they're actually worst picture losers. Well said. Thank you. Before we move on, I also want to remind people

of my personal plugs. That's right. The collection of Barbarian Behind Bars. My recent series from Mad Cave Studios is out now. and a lot of people have been asking me about it. I think people seem to like it. And so try it out is a B movie on paper, real pulpy, fantasy Conan the Barbarian-type hero

who gets thrown in a maximum security prison on earth and has got to figure out how to get out and his public defender's got to figure out what the hell is going on with this guy and how is she's supposed to help him. And at the same time, joke farming, my book about joke writing from the University of Chicago Press

continues to exist. If you haven't read it, go read it or get the audiobook read by me. I read it like this. Not really. I read it with my regular voice, which is slightly less irritating. And you can slow that down,

so it's listenable. I really want to listen to it at half speed. That's true. Let's answer some letters from listeners. Like who? Shall we? Listeners like you? Like me? Well, not you.

You're on the show. Oh, I am? You're not right now? You are a listener. You listen to it. I do listen to the show also because I forget what we said and then I listen to it later

and I laugh at it. We don't listen to it while we're making it. I forget almost immediately and when I listen to the stereo sometimes I'm like oh that's when I spaced out for a second and I didn't hear the thing that they were saying

it was pretty funny but you think of something funny in the moment you're like I should have said it then there are been times when I've listened to the podcast I'm like oh I should have said this thing and then a moment later I say that thing in the podcast

and I'm like I am myself inconsistent I predicted me yeah I've had the same experience this letter that is is from Alex's last name withheld. Smith. Yeah, it's from our producer.

Alex burnt up. Alex looked up. Shocked. He's here producing with us, but he was looking at his phone. I don't remember sending you a Lent truck. No, this is from Alex, presumably not Smith. That's not my Alex impression. He doesn't sound like that.

And it goes, Howdy from Sydney Peaches. Oh. You're in Sydney, Alex? Oh, yeah. I recently bought... Good day, me. Bonzer.

I recently bought and consumed Sorry Alex from Sydney We immediately went to We went to making fun of Australian accents Sorry We apologize I recently bought and consumed Elliot Kalen's children's books

They're my son's favorite Like you read them or you ate them Either way I'm getting money Yeah Yeah But thank you for reading them I mean eating is even better Because then you have to re-buy

Exactly you gotta get a new one Yeah They're my son's favorite For some reason Harsh The first time we read Sadie Mouse wrecks the house. He demanded I read it five more times.

Oh, great. I couldn't get into it as much as that four-year-old. Wow. It's not for you, dude. I was hung up on the unrealistic speed of repair depicted within. Quick, make fun of his accent more. I feel like this here picture book

for kids is not speaking to me. Oh, I love it. The damage to the wrecked house was vast, and even if a professional repair crew were brought in, paints and adhesive have dry times which cannot be changed. I have no problem with the fact the main characters are mice that talk and have jobs

in a house. I intended to post this plot hole to the internet literary database once I create the website. Goofs. A mouse child could not repair a house this fast. I also look forward to the revised edition and believe it will be very well received

much like the George Lucas revisions to his outdated works. I like this letter. I'm sure Elliot will have some knee-jerk pushback, but in time, in time, accept it as the valuable advice that it is. What other

advice have you all received that initially you resisted, but over time realized was sound? What made you ignore it or accept it at the time? This could be professional or personal advice, Alex's last name withheld. I don't know if this is advice so much as

I was a pretty unhappy kid and continue to be an unhappy adult. I was a pretty unhappy kid and people would tell me it's okay everybody feels that way everybody goes through these things and as and i found that not soothing at all i was like but i want to be an individual who's unique whereas now as an adult knowing that other people deal with the same kinds of challenges that i deal with it does soothe me so it's like it is advice i can take to help me or not in a advice but it is the thing that helps me to be calmer as opposed to having no effect whatsoever yeah i mean therapy alone is just a big thing that i

I was resistant to you for a long time, mainly because I adopted my father's weird stance that, like, you know, that I'm like too smart for therapy or some bullshit. But it's helped me so much. So I'm glad that I overcame this. So I was very similar to yours. I wanted to say, Elliot. My dad used to tell me when I came up to him being like, I'm bored or whatever it is, he would say, this two shall pass, which annoyed me as a kid.

That is very, the only thing we're warning is that he could say, only boring people are bored. My need is not being addressed right now, sir. But now I think that this two shall pass is a very, it's something that I take a lot of comfort. I mean, I think that's potentially, there's an old story about like a king somewhere. He wants, he wants to prepare his son to replace him.

And he asked all the wisest people in the kingdom to put together all the knowledge that he will need in order to rule. And they take, you know, a decade, and they put together an encyclopedia of books. And he goes, Crush peasant revolts. And he goes, this is too much, this is too much. Like, I need you to boil it down.

And they take another decade, and they boil it down to one volume. And they go, this is too much, this is too much. And they take another decade and they go, we figured it out. And he goes, what is it? And he says, this two shall pass. And he goes, that's it. That's all he needs to know. And I feel like that's the wisest thing a human can know is all things change

and nothing is permanent, you know. There should be a religion based around that. Oh, wait, there are. But I think professionally, I think it's, The advice I'm always getting, because I am lazy at a certain level, is you've got to just do this thing or make it happen. And the dream of every creative person is to not have to make the work before they are paid for the work,

but so often you have to do the thing before you can be paid for it. And every time I'm like, oh, I guess I'll just, the dream is for me to be like, I have an idea. And someone go, here's money to write that idea. But instead I always have to do it first and then get paid later. Well, I mean, I was like fine with that until I got paid for it. And then I got resentful about it when I'm like, I thought I was past the part where I had to do the, like,

you're never past that part, never. I remember once talking to my reps, I was like, I just want to get to the point where I don't have to pitch things. And they're like, everybody has to pitch? That's your job. You're always, they were like, has anyone ever not had to pitch? Maybe George Lucas when he still owned Lucasfilm could do something with it. But even then he probably had to pitch to the people below him.

And then we got great stuff like Radio Land Murders. Yeah. Yeah. Which is a movie I actually like better than a lot of people. Wow. Immediately goes back on his bird. Yeah. Well, I mean, like, I think I could choose other George Lucas produced things that I think are.

But Radio Land Murders had more zip in the telling. It's sort of the funniest of the ones to mention, yeah. Yeah, I mean, I feel like, I don't know, I guess I was a little resistant to it, but I feel like one of the things professionally is like working in bars, running hobby stores. It was the, and also making podcasts. is like the most important thing is consistency. Like you have to do the same thing over and over and over.

With a bar, you need to be able to present. You need to stay open. If you're open till four, you have to stay open until four every day. Like you need to be able to give people something to expect. And that consistency is what builds a following, what builds, I don't know, character.

Like, it's just important in it. It's something that we learned with this podcast. We're like, we built an audience much stronger and faster. when we put it out on a consistent schedule. When we planned it instead of like each week, we're like, hey, so we're supposed to record, I think. There were so many, early on, there were so many years

where it was like, oh, yeah, we haven't put it out an episode in a while. Yeah, are you guys free tonight? We should do this, you know? Yeah. I mean, those were also the years where... Every time we recorded, we would all meet together. We would watch the movie. We would eat dinner.

And I would have, like, four tall boys of fucking beer. And I'd be, like, hammered. It was a minimum four hours, you know, of getting together watching the movie. Dan having to do some detective work to find why his dinner has not arrived yet. Oh, yeah, the dinner detective. Dan McElroydictor. But it was all done together at, you know, in a compressed time. Like, it's not spread out of it.

Like, we slept to. That's true. That's true. I do miss those days of Dan, like, kind of arguing with his phone. He's like, but I did order it, like, I put the address in, right. That happened, like, twice. Yeah, but it happened enough. I mean, you only... I can, like, hear.

in my head. There's only one time that I think you fell asleep during the movie, but that's an indelible for me too. I love that. Oh, my God, that was great. I think I was sick, though. I think... Sick of that movie.

So what's the next letter, Dan? Sure, I'll move on. Why not? This letter is from... What a couple of assholes. Willie lasting with hell. Loman. He's saying, it's a man, a piece of fruit. You can squeeze out the juice

and throw it to be away. He says, Stop telling that dirty joke about me. Willie says, recently in a desire to boost my knowledge of Elliot's favorite film movement, I opened the Criterion Channel and blindly selected

the first movie from there, Chequeless Lavak New Wave Collection. They have a great, the Criterion Chequesslovak New Wave Collection is really great. There's many great movies that are not in that collection, but it's a great starting place. If you pick the right movie.

Well, and if you're the, If you're the person at Criterion who curates that, get in touch with Elliot because he wants to give you a props. Yeah, do get in touch with that. Elliot, don't predict the letter too much. Selected the unfortunate bridegroom. The unfortunate bridegroom is an immensely upsetting slapsic comedy about two bumbling detectives investigating a horrific sexual crime.

The crime in question and the subsequent investigation are so unsettling that I believe describing them on a podcast would really harsh the vibe. I will say that is not a good starter. Yeah. Don't worry, Elliot. I've already seen and loved several other Czech new wave movies, including daisies, closely watched trains, the Cassandra Cat, and Diamonds of the Night.

So I know not to give up on the genre. My question is this. What movie do you think would be the worst introductory movie for a genre, series, or uvra? Optional example. Topeka would be the worst way for someone to be introduced to the state of Kansas. Wow.

I'll take my answer. Offline, best of luck, Willie. I'm very glad that the hatred of Topeka Kansas has returned to the podcast. Not because I have any acts to grind against Topeka. No, we have no personal experience. I've never been there. Someday we've got to do a show there to find out. Maybe for the

21st birthday. Yeah, that's not the best Check New Wave movies. I would always recommend starting with closely watch trains. If anyone listening has not gotten into those movies yet. I mean, I think a common thing is watching what is often considered to be like the peak of a genre

and then from then onwards being just disappointed. I mean, I've told this on the podcast, but it's like, you know, when I went into Blockbuster and I'm like, I want to see what this anime thing's all about. I'll start with Akira. And then like after that, you're like, obviously there are arguments about what is the peak of the genre or the form. But like, that's a tough one, at least at that.

that time to be like, it's tough to find things in the blockbuster anime aisle that's going to compete with Akira. And also, at the time, it was hard to find things that just at that level of production. Yeah, well, yes. Because Ikira had so much more intense work and resources. They're doing another, like, theatrical, like, re-release of it

with, you know, restoration. And, like, people are seeing it again, like, seeing that movie in the theater for the first time, you're just like, there's so much just shit in, I've never seen it on theater. Oh, it's incredible. And hearing the soundtrack that loud. I was just going to say, hearing that score over

theater speakers would be, because I used to listen that soundtrack all the time. I love it. It's so good. When you were speeding around Neo Tokyo. On my bike, yeah. They're also like... That bike spit me out. It sued me up and spit me out.

There are also obviously more extreme examples of genre that you have to like work up to. I remember like, you know, every... You don't want to start with Cannibal Holocaust. Every October I do a double feature of... horror movies and in the early years of doing it it was a much more mixed crowd of like just like friends you know like I think it's self-selected over the years to like people who are interested in that but I remember like screening frank and Lodder's brain damage and the horror

of the crowd was palpable well we I mean I'm sure I've talked about this I've talked about in a lot of ways in a lot of places but there was a heavy metal blog that I love Last Rites, it's great. But one of the writers was talking about getting into extreme heavy metal is similar to like getting into spicy food. And that if you jump into the deep end, and this is similar with like,

sicko horror movies and stuff like that, if you jump into the deep end and like, try to eat a ghost pepper for your first spicy thing, it's going to blow out your palate and you're going to be like, fuck this forever. But if you work your way up and slowly become more desensitized. and able to notice the subtle, like, differences

and also seeking new and strange experiences. Yeah. It's hard because it's like, you want someone to get into a genre or a type of film or something with one that is good enough that they're really excited by it, but not so good that they've, they're already at the pinnacle and everything is a disappointment. Yeah.

And they talk about this a lot on the Marks Brothers Council podcast, where it's like, what's the best Marks Brothers movie to start with? Because if you start with the best, then their later movies, are a huge drop-off. But there are people who start with their later movies and are like, oh, this is funny enough, and they find that there's treasures in store.

But if you start with the later ones first, someone might be like, they are not funny. Like, this is, I don't like this, you know. And you know, like, I ran into this a lot in trying to read modern comics because I find that a lot of them modern, not Elliot. Thank you. But a lot of modern comics follow a very specific structure.

Don't worry. The comics are right are not popular. So they are not, whatever the mainstream likes that is not what I'm doing. So I'll pick up a book that's been recommended, like Saga, for instance. And I kind of bounce off it because it doesn't like, in a lot of ways it feels like entry level

and it doesn't feel like it's made for me and it's part of the structure. I mean, obviously the art is gorgeous. But I run into that a lot and I've, as an adult now with a slightly more mature brain, I'm like, oh, this is just not for me. Yeah, yeah. It's just not your taste.

But also, I'm glad that this exists because it provides an entry point for people who would be interested in reading comics and see that comics aren't, you know, just about superheroes, but there's like fun sci-fi, space opera type ideas, which is what I think saga's about. I mean, sagas, it is a really good transition book

for people who are trying to get out of superheroes and find just other types of comics, other types of stories. Because it's not that different, but it is somewhat different, but it's, I find, the writing is a little slick and polished for me. But if you're like, hey, yeah, you want to get into comics,

here's, I don't know, profit, or here's Dave McKean's cages. This would not be good end points. Also, like... Here's Faust. No. Also, I think you don't want to like start anything, one off with something that's like playing with a genre. Well, that's why a lot of people, they start with like Watchmen.

And it's like, don't do that. It doesn't, watchmen is going to be at maybe seem, cool, but it might be really boring if you're not like already familiar with that kind of superhero stuff. Yeah, I mean, maybe that's the best example actually. The nuances are going to be lost because... Yes. But to like get back to movies,

I was thinking like, oh, if you show something like a detective movie, don't show them the long goodbye first. Like maybe my favorite Altman movie like so good, but like you really need to understand what it's bouncing off of. And at this, but at the same time I feel like

there's a, you also don't want to be the person who's like, if you're can understand this, you've got to watch all these things. I guess whatever makes it homework is not good, you know? But like looking back at the movie we did last time, like if somebody who's like, I want to check out slasher movies, I probably wouldn't recommend Scream as their first one because part of what makes Scream work is that it's built on the legacy of others. And yet ironically, it was the first slasher movie for a lot of people.

Yeah, yeah. But I think that's the magic of that one particular movie. The first slasher movie for Matthew Lillard, who was one of the actors in it. first movie for him to be in. To be it. He wasn't in any slashes before. Actually, he might have been another side. I'm not a Lillard. I don't think so.

Who's the theme of this shock to over? Except for this one episode we're talking. Although he may have been in it in a background role. I don't, I can't confirm that. Yeah, we don't, we did not go through, we didn't have an AI go through every frame of Dracula to see if Matthew Lillard was in. There's been an important disclaimer.

We would have gotten fucking roasted. You know what, let's just put this disclaimer on. every movie we've talked about. Yeah. We've got to have Matthew Lillard on the podcast so we can talk about this. Reach out to us, Matt. You're out there.

Big fans. I mean, he is out there. Yeah, man, that guy is out there. Let's put a bow around this podcast by recommending some movies that we enjoyed. That might be a little more worth your time than Dracula. I, you know,

as mentioned, I think, before, we're taping this a bit early. I don't know if it's still, on the Criterion channel when this releases but right now it's part of their girl group collection I watched Time Square from 1980

oh I've been meaning you to watch that I haven't seen it was good I mean you're recommending it it's good it has the late Tim Curry in it if you're looking for an in memoriam yes I mean I love I'm a very big fan of Tim Curry so I'm looking for other stuff he's done that I haven't seen he's very much a supporting character could you imagine somebody being like I don't

like Tim Curry. Like, that would be wild. I can understand someone not liking Curry, the food. But I cannot understand them not liking Tim Curry. Tim Curry, sure. He's someone I really wish I could have worked with when he was at the height of his power.

Tim Curry. Amazing. I remember, like, it's so funny to me because it's like the, obviously his indelible role is Frankenfurger. But to me, the second, just because I watched so much of it was King Chicken, the villain on Duck Man.

And I would always be like, I can't believe Tim Curry is on Duck Man. I mean, for me, it was Clue. I watched Clue so much. And it's such a fun fucking performance. And he's good in Annie, a movie that when I watch it now as a adult and my kids, I'm like, this movie is weird. This movie doesn't really work.

But he's really good in it. But he's supporting. The leads of this are a very young... Was it the worst witch? Was that the one he's in also? Yes. Yeah, yeah. The leads of this are very young, Trini Alvarado,

who many will know from Little Women. I, of course, remember her most from The Frighteners. And then there's... That's one I want to watch. again too. I haven't seen them years. And the other, it's two teenage girls. The other is played by Robin Johnson

who, very distinct movie presence. I looked up on Wikipedia. She was tied to an exclusive contract. And the people who had her under contract did not deliver the roles that they

promised. And so by the time she was out of that contract, any sort of heat behind her disappeared. She sort of like did not do a lot of acting, which is unfortunate because she's got a lot of interesting presence. But it's, you know, it's about these two teen girls in 1980, New York. The Alvarada character is the daughter of a politician. She sort of goes off with the other girl who lives on the street

because she's suffocated by sort of her current life. and they sort of live on the streets for a while having adventures, even though Times Square is not cleaned up. The adventures are a little cleaned up for what two people living on the street. They're not doing drugs. Yeah, yeah. But there's just a lot of like fun spirit in it. I was reading about it.

There was sort of a more overt, there were more overt scenes in it that showed that there was like this budding lesbian, attraction or relationship between these girls that were cut out theoretically to make more room for music because this has an amazing soundtrack but probably in reality

out of prejudice but it's impossible to I think read the movie as anything other than a love story even with this stuff cut out the subtext is all there. It's just you know a fun young people movie it is a little shapeless but if you like something about

New York City It has a lot of great new. I didn't realize it's the same director as Pump Up the Volume and Empire Records. So it did a lot of movies about like young people in music. Yeah, yeah. The young people just doing it for themselves. Mm-hmm.

Yep. I'm going to recommend a movie I saw a little bit ago. New release, that is the adrenaline rush action adventure movie of the year. And that is Hope from filmmaker Nah Hong Jin. the director of the whaling, which is another favorite of mine.

This is like a pedal to the metal, like nonstop action adventure, action thriller. It is beautifully shot. It is like the pace is just nonstop. It's great. I will say there are, I love like this, I don't want to go too into it,

because I feel like this is one of those movies where like kind of the less you know, the better, other than it's a crazy movie and there's aliens. But it's, so I love, like, I love the structure and the story. And, but I will specifically say this is a movie that does feature a lot of digital creature effects. and I found them to be a little distracting and disappointing. I hate to knock on a movie I'm recommending that I think is great. But it is one of those things where, like, be aware that that's going to happen.

That has been the word on this, like, it played at, like, festivals and they actually redid some of the effects because apparently they looked even jankier before. And part of the thing, the reason it sticks out is because everything else about it, is so, like the, the sets are so gorgeous. The setting's beautiful. It's shot so well. It's colorful.

The performances are great. And, yeah, it's like, I highly recommend it. It's also, be aware that it's also long. It's like, similar to the whaling, it's like about three hours long. But it's great. Which is why I haven't watched the whaling yet. Yeah.

So it's a movie about whalers? Mm-hmm. Like whale fall. Oh, okay. So I was thinking about a movie that I saw recently that I enjoyed a lot. That's also about a character searching through time for love, perhaps. And that is Orlando, directed by Sally Potter and starring Tilda Swinton in, it's got to be like, this has got to be her key role.

It was the first time I saw Tilda Swinton. And she's so good in it. And it's such a, I love the book, and the movie is not exactly the same as the book, but it kind of gets at some of the same feelings. but it's a really beautiful movie. It's a really funny movie. But it's also a very, it's got a, it's a shorter movie than this,

but it's got a Barry Lyndonish pace, which I actually really liked. It's a very deliberate pace. And I just, if it's, if you are, I remember I have a very strong memory of my mom going to see this movie in the theaters and coming home and thinking it was very weird and just telling me,

oh, I saw this really weird movie. And I didn't get to see it till much later. But I think it's, I think it's just a really gorgeous movie. I definitely watched it in school. No, we didn't watch it school. We might have been the same English class. Is it Carrey Calde?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I had to watch it on my own time. But Tilliswins great in it. Billy Zane is surprisingly good in it as the kind of romantic, kind of like, 19th century character that Dracula should kind of be. When Billy Zane turns up... It's so...

It is kind of funny when Billy Zane turns up, though. It's like I did not expect... Like, even his name is in the credits, but, like, you don't expect him to turn out. He is, like, no, uh, Billy Zane can do, like, a fun, hammy performance with some of the bad, like. And, uh, it's just really, I think it's just a really, uh, gorgeous, entertaining movie. Yeah. So that's Orlando. Well, let's, uh, let's, uh, let's wrap this episode up.

Let's, uh, say thank you to Maximum Fun. Go to Maximum Fun.org to check out other great shows on our podcasting network. thanks to our producer Alex Smith who has been in the room with us but was so disgusted that he just let oh he's back he's back he's back he's back check out his work

under the name howledotti on the internet he does great music and podcast and Twitch streams I'm fucking it up right at the end so I'll just say my name I've never fucked that up I've been Dan McCoy

Stewart is looking at his phone and he missed his cue because he was looking at his phone. I have been Stuart Wellington. I'm Elliot Kaelan, and I want to introduce before we go the Flop House Challenge. The Flop House challenge contest is, I challenge you to leave a five-star review for the Flop House

on the podcast app of your choice, and the prize is a feeling of accomplishment. That's the easiest feeling of accomplishment you'll get today. And I'm happy to give it out to you, because I'm Elliot Kaelin. Bye. See you. Here of the doctor. When I go outside at night, I'm super scared.

Is that the B-52's version of Fear of the dark? I'm a man who walks alone. I turned around and nobody's there. Have you ever been alone at night? Alone at night. Maximum Fun. A worker-owned network. Of artists-owned shows.

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