The Flop House - Ep. #176 - The Boy Next Door

Episode Date: April 18, 2015

It's the moment that the bad movie cognoscenti have been waiting for, as we discuss The Boy Next Door. Meanwhile, Stuart explains the "character" he plays, Dan becomes a proponent of the female gaze, and Elliott describes some of the lesser-known sexually explicit Disney cartoons of the 60's.Movies recommended in this episode:CitizenfourFaultsIt Follows

On this episode of the flop house, guess who lives next door? Um, some sort of boy, and a milk. To each other, in the boy next door to the milk. Thanks guys. Hey everyone, welcome to the flop house, I'm Dan McCoy. What's up, Dan McCoy? I'm Stuart Wellington. Hey guys, I'm Elliot Kaelin and I'm feeling pretty sleepy, so watch out. So here I'm tired. Oh, okay. So if we were one of the seven dwarves, we'd be... Doc. What? Surprise.

Surprise. He was an arcoleptic. Sleepy actually had medication that he took to keep himself away He was the only one who was actually a doctor weird. Oh strange strange Iceland scenario Yep sleepy was the doctor and doc was the sleepy guy. I mean while dopey was pretty grumpy and grumpy kind of a dope Friendship bear not that friendly wait Ella Rue was an elephantvant and a Kangaroo. What's that all about? What's that a wuzzle?

Yeah, wuzzle. Yeah. And friendship bear was was was that was a what that serial killer? Half wulf. Yeah. Half muzzle. Yeah.

Half muzzle. Half wolf game Peterson. Half guzzle Yeah, so tonight we what what are we doing this podcast and Rewrack Let's rewind that This is a show where we watch bad movie and then we talk about it. Like, you know, three friends squawking in your ears. Yep.

Or three chickens. Clicking around the farm yard. I'm so bad movie that they watch. This is not going to because they're chickens. They didn't pay because they're chickens. Well, they tried to pay, but the theater wouldn't take kernels of corn. Yeah.

That is a Gonzo's favorite movie theater to go to. Has it's full of chicks and chickens? Yeah, it's chickens Gonzo's favorite movie theater to go to has its full of chicks and let's check it. Yeah, because he has sex with them. Yeah, I like it. He asked me almost like I had a lot inside tip like the guy from TMZ telling you where to find Gonzo to move. Yeah, I got exclusive footage of Gons L on a date of the movies.

David Camilla, Parker Balls, the chicken version. So for those of you listening at home, my character is wearing jeans. My hair is tussled, handsomely. I'm smiling. Yeah. My hair is tussled, handsomely. I'm smiling. He's fried herself. Who's having handsomely tussled hair? But he does.

Take a look at it, Dan. I've got a, I'm wearing a hoodie. All right. Now, it smells like popcorn. If I could describe my character from the waist down, it's all tentacles. From the waist up, it's like that tree monster from that old Saturday morning cartoon where it was the people fighting the monsters. Yeah, no, no, it's like that tree monster from that old Saturday morning cartoon

where it was the people fighting the monsters. Yeah, no, no, it's not Groot. It was like the humanoid subhumanoid, something like that. And my head looks like George Clooney in his prime, except all of my hair's worms. And if I get to try myself, I'm handsome or cooler than you assholes think. But in your head, I'm going to be than you assholes think but in your head I'm gonna be some boring blind guy and in front of me where my eyes see you oh boy You just got lumped into asshole territory. Yeah, I'm charted

Just says on the map a big blank area labeled here be assholes So so that picture freshen your mind. Yeah, imagine us watching a movie. And what movie did we watch, which we will now talk about, Daniel? We watched the boy next door. We watched the boy next door. Yeah, we keep on.

We know we were babysitting. We watched. No, we were five on the like Jennifer Lopez did in the movie, the boy next door. Oh, starring Jennifer Lopez. Yeah, Jelo, playing in. Yup, J-E-L-L-O. It's just not dessert without Jelo.

The gelatin treat that was also in the movie, Gilly, A-K-A, Jelo. Jelo is pretty jiggly. J.L.O. is Jello in J-Lo. You can never have enough J-Lo. There's always room for J-Lo. J-Lo was out of sight. You turned. I forgot she was in you turn. So, yes, the boy next door. What about it? Well, Dan, this is a this is a this is a This isn't a erotic thrillers That's not where I was going And night eyes for So strip to kill

Animal instincts sexual response. Yeah animal instincts sexual response yeah sexual response I'm a derotic thriller it's called boobs half in shadow it's called strip kill for revenge of the strip kill it's called deadly intention it's called a woman who changes her underwear in front of an open window the movie movie. That's called Thongstab. It's a movie. Thongstab? Something that a caveman yells at you as it lunges with a subsidian axe. So I was not going to say erotic before. Although it was my favorite genre of movie when I was 13.

When I learned the code in the TV guide, which is if the movie's listed as having nudity, that's a waste of your time. But if it's listed as having sexual situations, there's going to be a lot of nudity in that. And if it stars one of the two shannons, worry or tweed, then you are off to the races, my friend. If it has the words, in decent, instinct, animal obsession, private, basic, personal, or erotic, Then you're in the title, then you're doing okay. So that's, that's a recipe for an hour or two and a half of you watching this movie in the dark, checking over your shoulder to make sure nobody comes in through the door. Exactly. Make sure my parents are not standing there. They're only a giant cake. First, first jack up.

They're probably a giant cake. The best first jack out. That's it. With a penis shaped candle. They're going to weird, what a weird civilization this would be if we, if we, if we celebrated a boy's first master bathing with a penis shaped cake. Yeah. Today you are not a man, but you are on your way to having a misunderstanding of what it's like to be a man.

That's a world I want to live in. Well, be the change you want to be. You want to see, Dan. I don't have any children in my own. I feel like I might be a kid. Yeah, there's a reason for that. I ran into a kid. It would be even.

You just walk out to a 13-year-old. You look like you're jerkin' it here. Take this cake. It's a boy next door. Speaking of the boy next door, it is a three-peat return for the director of the movie, Rob Cohen, who has previously directed two other Flop House movies, Stealth, the first ever Flop House movie. There's a Flop House movie.

And the movie that was so great, we had to create this great block cast that goes on forever and it's the rest of my life, I suppose. And also Alex Cross, starring Tyler Perry as Alex Cross in Alex Cross. Don't count Alex Cross out of this one. Mm-hmm. Cross him off the list of Alex's. Yeah, uh, you're a cross. So Dan, was it, was it clear from the way this movie was made that it was from the producer of Monster Squad? Oh yeah, there was a lot of being in a house in the suburbs. Fair, okay. I like the Monster Squad.

Yep, exactly like the original. The original. The original. The regular. On a scale of zero to Dracula, it gets a zero. Yeah. Should we talk about what this movie is about? I do remember Monster Squad features a great scene of guys peeping on a zero. Yeah. Should we talk about what this movie is about? I do remember Monster Squad features a great scene of guys peeping on a girl.

And this movie kind of does that. It had some peeping. Yeah, but it was a lady peeping on a man for once. It's kind of a once in my right, guys. Turn it around. Turn the table. I can't tell. Ladies can peep too. I can't tell if you're being a feminist.

If you're being feminist or you're telling all the ladies out there they should be peeping at you because you're a piece of meat too, dammit. Yeah. Come on. Is that why when you go to the beach, you show up at Gander. When you go to the beach, show up your body, you put on some mirror shades. So women have their gaze reflected back at them And they're turned to stone

Is it Medusa Beach? Not a great beach That was a really good 1980s Greek sex comedy Yeah She had a bikini and all her snake said swim caps on them Speaking of Greek sex comedies Yeah, they mentioned the Ilya ad in this. And the star of my big fat Greek weddings in those two.

And now I kind of want to see the guy from... Oh yeah. John Corbett, wasn't he in the fat wedding movie? Yeah, the Greek wedding. He was in the sex and seedy. And he was in the northern exposure. But he doesn't even have the starring role in this. I don't know what we're talking about him. Although I do want to see a movie now called

Bikini Iliad, or it's just like the Iliad, but it's kind of like a bikini comedy. Here's another tip for the 13 year olds watching, listening to this podcast, and then going to watch HBO in the year 1995. If it's got bikini in the title, also a good bet. Yeah. You'll see it on HBO with the nudity and on USA Up All Night without the nudity. And you know what?

In some ways, it's going to be more fun on USA Up All Night. And you might see the word school in that title and you'd think, uh, school, that sucks. There's a decent chance that school is going to feature nudity. Yeah. Because the only thing is, the only thing these students are learning about is boots and they're all getting double-dees Especially if it's a bikini school or it's virgin academy or virgin academy I think that was the name of an actual movie. I'm not familiar with that one You know, I mean like you know

I'm not a little an actual movie accredited. Let me help from the movie guild. Let me clue you into dramatic irony. A lot of people in version Academy, not versions. Is that dramatic irony? It sounds like a mistitled film. You know, I mean, it's just, you know, that's the twist. It's the, they're, they're, they're, they're looking to look at that version.

That's the big twist. The big, the big reveal, the, the version Academy. Yeah, is that they're not virgins. Anyway, let's talk about what happened in the boy next door, the movie we watched. I had lost my maiden head all along. They say, anyway, go on. Well, overly, they've been focusing too much on drama class. No, no, they shout it to the heavens.

The movie is the story of one Claire Peterson played by Jennifer Lopez or J.Lo as she's also known. She is an English teacher who teaches specifically the classics as she says over and over again. And she is the Greek classics. Oh, it's like what? Like the early add in the Odyssey. And I guess like the the greats of Greek theater may maybe Well, that's Roman, isn't it? Oh, no, no, I'm thinking of something else. I'm sorry. They know that or stay as Greek

I think yeah because the story of arrestes Arrestes development. This is the story of a family in ancient Greece Made of warriors and they all end up killing each other. This is a resty's development George Michael a resty is locked into work one day with a problem That's pretty good anyway So you're right. I think the arrest I would be there and probably Roman classics too. She teaches the it is the a need These are all also ancient texts. Yeah I just couldn't do it. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh because he had an affair. And... Morris? No. No? Seems like such a straight shooter, right? Well, no, he wasn't.

He was at serious drug problems. Uh, and her best friend is the vice-principle of the school, Vicki, played by Christian Chenoweth, who does not sing in this movie, and she has a son. Well, one, and all this is told to us in about three and a half minutes at the beginning of the movie,

so I was like, this movie is moving pretty fast. Shot in a variety of locations, including a barn with a giant engine block suspended up in the air. It felt like we were watching it. It wouldn't have been surprised if I've always said previously on the boy next door and then just showed us all these scenes but then the movie bogs down hard with the introduction of Noah Sandborn who is the titular boy next door, who's sitting in a hard box. That guy is ripped with bugs.

The hardest. Which is the first. The first bog is the hardest like the song says. No, well, he's covered in muscle lumps. Yeah, muscle lumps. It's like the worst cartoon character for kids. Some kind of super buff cat. Some kind of protein breakfast cereal.

Muscle lumps. Are your kids not jacked enough? Try muscle lumps. We're back to Jack in the round too. I'm in jacked like, anyway, forget it. So Noah lives next door with his uncle, granddad. He lives with an old man played by the police chief from Eagle Heart, who as we first see

in a motorized wheelchair, which is always moving forward, even when it seems like there is no more room for him to continue moving forward. Yeah, there's like moving forward, there's a cut and he seems to have jumped backwards when the move was forward over the same distance. It's a canoe there that would have been hilarious if they just kept going with it. Let's indicate that the viewer has taken a step back cautiously.

Now Noah enters the picture in dramatic fashion. There's a problem with the garage door opener, and Jennifer Lopez decides she's going to go with the great strategy of allowing me to stand under the garage door opener and Jennifer Lopez decides the she's going to go with the great strategy of allow me to stand under the garage door and push it up while you my 15 year old son who is by all accounts a total noodle will just like pull a rope that pulls it up. Yeah, and I've seen enough final destination movies to know that is a terrible so she's getting crushed to death. She's getting chopped or half cleanly. Yeah. Like I had a garage door of this type growing up and braggart.

Jennifer Lopez would not have been crushed beneath the garage door. I should have been split into the guy not coming. Well, the movie seeks to tell us differently, Dan, because she seems to be in deadly danger until Noah comes in and with his super buff muscle lumps, pushes the door up, thus saving her life. So I guess the movie, yeah, you owe the movie an apology. I'm sorry, the boy next door. Noah is somewhere I couldn't, it was like 19 years old or something. You said just shy of 20.

They put that, they threw that in as early as possible. Yeah. Yeah. But he's also went back to high school because he was an accident of some kind. And he becomes close to Claire and her son, Kevin. He talks about how much he loves the Iliad and starts talking about how much,

how important a kill is to him as a character because he feels his feelings without letting anything get in the way of them. Meanwhile, Garrett, the dad, comes back and takes Kevin on a camping trip, but JLo is a no go for this camp. Oh, yeah, sure. I just, you seem like you need it or I know I appreciate it. And all in this happens.

It's still suspicious that her husband has other, has other women. Her husband had a woman on the side in San Francisco. And when he tells her he has a business trip in San Francisco, oh boy, she's not happy. And her friend Vicki keeps telling her, hey, he's bad news, kick him to the curve, girlfriend, you know. He's going up there to fuck atras.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah, that's what it is. Yeah. I know exactly what you're saying. So I'm sort of sex prison. Again, a title if you saw it, the TV guide, set up a tape. And so we go to the hate fuckberry district. Not even hate Asbury.

Okay, yeah. I don't know. Asbury. Oh, okay. Yeah. I don't ask Barry. Sounds like. Well, like poop. Careful. But that sounds like. Okay. Then, well, what about the.

We're coming from cold. Let's just go with the Astro District. How about that? Sure. Instead of Castro. Mm-hmm. Sure. I mean, it makes it sound like space, but...

Oh, God. Okay. He's having SpaceX with his mistress. So his mistress, who according to an email, smells like cookies. That matters because cookies is regularly referred to in... This movie is... As a euphemism. This movie is under the mistake and assumption that people find cookies unbearably erotic,

that there is no more erotic food or object than a chocolate chip cookie. Now, I love chocolate chip cookies. Let's just, I'll just say it. I'm not, I'm not proud. I'll eat them all the time. There's never a sexual element to it, you know? I'm not putting on errors here.

I'll eat a chipsahoy, just like your average Joe Six pack. You move working down. There's a whole or a chipsipped sohoi like no ban. This is where the misconception comes in. My dealings with the chipped sohoi are entirely a mouth stomach anus-based relationship. And the anus is purely for the release of whatever waste of the cookie I don't want.

It's not for gratification. Not at all. There's no sexual aspect whatsoever. Whatever nutrients your body doesn't use out of a chocolate tube. Just expel them. That's what I say. Why hold on to them? Why be a cookie miser?

Just get rid of them. Yeah, squirt it out. Back to the toilet. It's like a solid pellet. Sort of. Just put it, yeah, get it out in an owl pellet. I mean, owls regurgitate their pellets, so that's a little different. And then just like buried in the garden for fertilizer, you know.

And you get a cookie tree. That's how it works, right? Yeah. Yep. Perhaps I've said too much. There's no sexual element to cookies. But anyway, but this movie thinks there is. So she, this hell happens in one night that Claire, while getting dressed, I guess, sees,

and by this point, Noah has the boy next door has already been a little saucy with her, but in an innocent boy's just trying to flatter the lady kind of way. And he is also as- Noah how sexy she is. Yeah, and I think by this point, he has also done the famous moment that was on the internet everywhere of giving her a first edition of the Iliad as a gift. Now, here's what may surprise you about it. The first edition is a hardcover book, not a scroll,

and is in English and not ancient Greek. Yeah, I mean, like we don't, I mean, like is it a first edition of a certain... It could be of a certain printing, but it is clearly... You know what I mean? It's super dumb. Like if it was the Fagel's translation,

that would make sense, because that's probably what they're teaching in that class. Or the Squagel's translation. Who's that? It's a bagel, but it's square, and it translated the alien. But it's not as dumb as the internet makes out to seem, but it's pretty dumb.

Yeah. Even if she just put in a first edition of the Dada Dada printing, or a first edition of the Dada Dada translation, but or a first edition of the Dada-Dada translation, but instead she just says first edition and you're left to think, is the movie so dumb that it thinks this is a first edition of the Iliad? Or does it think... They're published it through random halves? Or does it think I'm so dumb that this is a first edition?

Now, is the movie trying to tell us that it's crazy that a teenager is into the Iliad, or that a hunky teenager is into the alien. Cause like, I was way into that Greek myth bullshit when I was like a kid. Yeah, me too. It's all monsters. Yeah, way before I was on your right chunk. Yeah, but I was just, yeah.

I refer to it as my larval state. That's the name of your new bio from Chuncha, to Hunk, with a pit stop at Lunk. I think Chris Pritz already taken. So, but this all happens in, what happens in one night is, one, clear is I get, is trying on shoes and accidentally, in her pajamas. So I thought she was going to bed

and she peeps to the window and sees Noah taking off his clothes and catches sight of his butt. Yeah, this is where the female gaze is. I was talking about comes into play. There's a lot more of- Totally takes a peep at his taught taught ass. She becomes the- taught ass. And he becomes the object for her gaze except And I don't like it and he becomes the object for her gaze except Except that then he turns around because he knows she's seeing him and he likes it cut to she's walking to a double date with her friend Vicki and we were like is this the same night Friend slash co-worker splash She's who superior work I assume if she's a teacher and

There a Japanese restaurant where they're eating soup even though they haven't ordered yet. That's a thing to place. Yeah. They or it's unfancy and they just sat down at a table that had been cleared yet and started eating the soup that was already there. They had a double date and the guy she's being matched up with

is a total jerk. Doesn't believe the classics are worthwhile and leers at a waitress's boobs When he's on a date with J. Lo maybe he was just so hungry because they haven't ordered yet And he's tried to get that waitress's attention, but with bite It's like a home man looks like two giant dumplings. I'm really go over that right now. Yeah, two giant dumplings cookies It's all food stuff around. It's all foods. So she storms out of the date and goes home.

He's having a glass of wine when Noah calls and says, hey, I tried to cook a chicken. It didn't work out. Come over and cook this chicken with me. And so the woman love. And so the come on, the woman love. Hey, cook for me. Let's fix this. Come over to my house and cook for me. Let's fix come over to my house and cook. Come over to my house in a rain and cook for me.

Yeah, like an entire bird that that's not a short cooking process. No, but he's not a short man. It's not like they're gonna Spam. It takes a while. Yeah, it's not a hard cooking process. I'll say that. No, that's not what I was talking about. Your roasted chicken It's just basically tossing the oven. I'll say you're Kenny Rogers roaster. I mean, Kenny's roasters was a, the roaster was the chicken. Maybe not the oven. That's the technology. No.

Because they were just using ovens and like rotisseries. So what's he been spending all his money on? Chickens and not technology? Again, he's a gambler. He is a guest, too. He said, I'll patent the chicken. And unfortunately millions of dollars and litigation later he found you couldn't patent chickens I'll get the music gambler. He gets true. He said, I'll patent the chicken. And unfortunately millions of dollars

and litigation later, he found you couldn't patent chickens because they predate human civilization. Yeah. And Gaza came in, he was like, You killed my wife. Oh, but then they worked things out. Kenny Rogers became a, would just, would arrange for Gonzo

to have intimate affairs with different chicken. So did we already miss that? That's right. Kenny Rogers is a muppet chicken pimp. So we take that to the bank. I don't know. And the bank will say, sir, this is not money.

This is some kind of dumb joke. This ludicrous situation is not currency, nor is it legal tender backed by any government. Let alone gold, a precious medal. It'd be like, can I just get one of those suckers? Sure, sir, they're free for everyone. Suckers, I know you're from Illinois. She grew up in like the 50s.

I don't know, what do you want to do? A lollipop? Yeah. Let's call it by its name. Lollipop. A sucker. So at this point, a sucker is born every minute. If you only made one lollipop a minute, your business would go out of business.

That fact, the factory output is way too low. Yeah. You know, that, yeah. But you're charging $20 for one of these suckers. Oh, yeah, they're really good. They're like chuppa chups times 10. And when you bite them, there's a touchy roll inside. Oh, no kidding. So at this point, the movie, so he's already, she's already thought about the young man and even like picked up a half eaten cookie and sniffed it and then put it back down, hoping that there was a trace of him on it.

So she so he calls a rover to help him cook a chicken. They do. They eat it and he starts flattering the hell out of her. Things go a little too far. It's called a full court press. I make them in that he and that he presses himself against her while pressing her against a door jam. And they they're door jamming. And

she keeps saying, no, no, we can't do this. It's wrong. But his lips and his hands quickly have her out of her clothes and just in her underpants. And then he shows that even if he is pushing the boundaries, because she said no, and that's when a man should stop, that he is a very generous rapist and that he uses both his hands and mouth to pleasure her before he is pleasure. I got class at high school kids. You know, just like any 19 year old man, he makes sure to give the girl he's with.

I assume two orgasms before they get to the sex. Probably, yeah, like six before they get to the sex. Yeah, she was begging him, please, no more. We've had enough, that's okay. But no, he just kept going. Yeah. They call him Oman. What?

He's a superhero with the power to be a generous lover. Okay. Okay. So she wakes up in his, his house and she is not happy about it. And he's like, hey, what's the problem? She's chickened. That's coffee. He brings her coffee in his underpants and she's like, no, I have to go.

And he gets super mad and punches a wall. I may I'll be honest, I'm gonna tell the point, the punches are a wall, he's being pretty nice. That's true. I mean, he did kind of pressure her, he seduced her, but then he brings her coffee the next morning. And so you're saying it's her fault, is what you say.

I was saying it's her fault. I'm just saying that like, I agree with Stuart that like, the movie has her freaking out about it. Like earlier than his behavior would warrant the total freak out. I know that he's like a young guy, but he looks so much older than he's supposed to be in the movie. And he is legally an adult if he's almost 20.

Like he's actually a five year old old but he ages four times too fast. I mean he turns out to be a total pre-posoid. Oh more than pre-posoid turns out to be a sociopath or psychopath. So but she's like oh I uh oh uh and he's like, hey, what's the matter? But she runs off and, uh, Stop town. The best coffee. This is, I hand ground this from the beans. You know where these beans came from?

A civet's small intestine. That's right. These are civet coffee beans. Can't shit coffee. Yeah. I drank a beer made out of that one time. How was it? It was pretty good. Could you really take? Got me drunk. Yeah, I drink a beer made out of that one time. How was it? It was pretty good

And you really take got me drunk Okay, mission accomplished then feel like that Isn't that's the lowest threshold for me alcoholic beverage? I've heard that the popularity of cat shit coffee is Striving up the cost of cat poop. Well, no, it's actually, it's like, it's fucking up the quality of that ingredient because those like weird weasels or whatever. Cold civets. Yeah, those civets. The coffee was good because they would pick

the best berries or whatever to eat, but now they're just being like, orce fed, whatever berry. Just being fed like lucky charms. Yes, and they're shooting out, they're shooting out delicious coffee. You pull on their tail and coffee shorts out. So it works.

Cut out the middle man, just drink the poop. Okay, so things go from bad to worse when Noah joins Claire's class after hacking into her computer and forging an email requesting that he be moved to the class. But he comes in super enthusiastic about the subject, he's quoting stuff from the Iliad, I assume, I don't really remember the Iliad, the Iliad text that well. But he should be like the best student in the class. If anything, he deserves to be rewarded with sex from the teacher

for knowing the material before he gets to class. He also is in the gym helping her son Kevin box. Now, this point, he's gotten really good with her son Kevin. He's taught her how to taught him, how to change the alternator on a truck. He took him to a hardware store and helped him get in good with the girl that he has a crush on. The prettiest girl in school, Kevin says. So here he's his like boxing

coach in the gym because. It's kind of like a father figure. Yeah, because the high school has a boxing ring. And yeah, it's all the classics are represented. Greco Roman wrestling boxing. Yeah. The classics. Teacher of the illustration. And Kevin has some kind of a asmatic shock or something like that, and Noah has to stab him with an epic pen to save his life. He then arranges to send some flowers. Now it seems like a pretty good guy.

I gotta say. Clear, and then Claire receives some flowers and assumes they're from her estranged husband. And she calls him and she's like, hey, they're beautiful. He's like, what are the flowers? What flowers? Like, he doesn't even take the first tip that he should be like, oh yeah, the flowers I said,

she'll, yeah. She was like, come on, John Corbin, be cool, man. Instead, he's like, I thought you were in cheater, dude. That's how she caught you, man. He lied better. He is the dopious to doltr. In fact, I thought you were in cheater dude, that's how she caught you man. He is the dopiest adulterer In fact, I would like to see a movie about his adventures called the dopiest adulterer I thought Disney movie, but I don't know what to say. He can't get his act together. How does he have such a successful extra matter? All fair. What's going on? Disney in the 60s was way more open to things. Remember that short goofy's love in?

It was instructional shorts. The narrator is talking about how you have a successful love and the goofy cannot get it together. A group group. Now that's not a group group goofy. You're just grabbing yourself. And then for some reason half of it is about golf swings. Sex swings and golf swings, goofy in the 60s.

That's the documentary I'm working on. That does instructional cartoons. Which were my favorite Disney cartoons as a kid. Now we have a cartoons. All my favorite cartoons were Warner Brothers cartoons. I think because there was a premise that had jokes coming out of it, whereas the other Disney cartoons, I was like, I don't buy these characters hanging out with each other. They're all just like Megan Barnyard music and stuff. How many times they have to

move a piano? My favorites were always the one where the guys would drink the gummy berry juice and just go fucking crazy That's I mean, that was just Just bounce around here and there and everywhere Yeah, that was all about those guys. They were fighting and Duke It was Such a weird cartoon. There's nothing about it. That's organic to the premise or the name at all But didn't he want their juice so he could do the same so he could have the power of bouncing

So he could travel somewhere marginally faster than walking I just give him some of that juice and then he probably lead him alone. He's a bad guy. I don't know Okay, he's not a good. What would he do if he could mount something terrible? He terrorized the populace with his bouncing. Who knows he could just be pillaging with his bouncing? Mm-hmm. Yeah. It's a great bouncing.

It comes greater as possible to share. That's the gummy bears motto. Thanks, Stanley. Flat Stanley. Stanley. Now, uh, let's, so let's fast forward. Yeah, please. Noah is, I'm kind of, don't remember the order of all the things Noah does, but he starts getting crazy and obsessive.

He builds up both of them. Yeah. Yeah, he likes to have a re-animal to impress Claire. He has a conversation with John. Two of every milf. So he's the cloning of him. Yeah. Two of every milf. So he's a cloning them. Every type of milf. There is.

Every type. Brunette, Splons, Latina, Asian. Yeah. What are the types are there, Stuart? Yeah. You know, there's a bossy career women, neglected wives. Yep. Yoga students.

You know, the men's joggers. women neglected wives. Yep, yoga students. You know, joggers. Oh, super market shoppers. Women who are taking some kind of blow job class. A woman who needs help with her cable installation. I don't know why he's getting two of each. Oh, people like pools. They look great with each other.

They'll try though. Oh, boy, will they try? Can't keep their hands of each other? Oh people at pools they will not read with each other they'll try though Oh boy will they try? Can't keep their hands off each other because if there's anything that's important that porn is taught me It's that anytime two women are hanging out. They will have sex with each other I guess you had porn. It's any two people. Yeah, yeah It's a television I guess he had porn, it's any two people. Yeah. There's no television there. Universe, no platonic relationships. So, Dan.

So, Dan, is that the dividing point between our universe and the porn universe and the invention of television? You're saying if I was, if I was to be porn the word, they'd not do that, then everyone would be having sex. If he had invented the cathode ray tube,

then yeah Yeah, people just be having sex for recreation all the time. Mm-hmm. Good thing You didn't know TV and no SDVs equals sex all the time Was there an episode of sliders that covered this? Remember they went to that there's an episode of sliders where they went to the universe where all hamburgers are little They called them Sliders. So anyway, Noah is creating a series of stalking incidents. He, at the Fall Fling Dance, there's a, or maybe that happens after, I can't even remember the order.

So basically, a kid, a bully tries to beat up Kevin and Noah, slams his head against the locker. He jumps out of nowhere to defend him. It's like Batman was swinging through the halls and slams the kids head against the locker. Sometimes it fractures his skull, which leads him to get into a fight with the vice principal and he's expelled. Now why he wasn't arrested for assaulting a student until his head cracked, the movie

never answers. I guess it was because I have it on school grounds, the police have no jurisdiction, I don't know. Maybe the police are on strike, and that's part of the backstory that would have been explained if the movie was longer, I'm not sure. I'm just, right now I'm thinking about how excited

Jonathan Reece Davis would be to be at the University of the Tiny Ambulance. I'm not sure. No, go without me. I don't need to keep jumping around to the other universes. I'll stay on this one amazing Indie my friends. I couldn't fit so many hamburgers in my mouth Finally, I know what it's like to be a giant eating a hamburger There's a dance called the fall flang and Kevin tries to ask the girl to

hardware store out and she says no, but when Noah walks over, she says, I do, I don't have a date for the Fall Flang. They go and she, I guess, distracts Kevin and tells Claire that there was a problem in the bathroom and when she goes over there, her jurisdiction. As the classics professor, she also plunges the toilet. And when she goes there, the lights are all screwed up and there's what, it's water or toilet paper all over the floor. And then big letters in the wall, it says, I fucked Claire Peterson.

And Noah walks out and he's like, hey, we can be together. And they argue with each other. And he tries to assault her and she won't let it happen. The next day, she goes to her classroom and finds it festooned with pictures of herself and Noah having sex. Turned out, he recorded the whole incident and then set the printer to infinite copies and put streamers up of it. And it takes her literally forever to clean up all of this stuff while kids are waiting outside. She's been around on the paper.

For every piece of paper, she picks up, she drops four. If this was summer school, there would have been three montages in the middle of this paper clean up scene. And if it was a three-stuages movie, it would have happened roughly the same as it happens here, except I guess there'd be more like deliberate punches to the face. Uh, then things escalate badly to the point where, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the part. Yeah, he just the first half of that. He's just a bad dad. A cookie dad. A cookie dad. A bad dad cookie dad.

Mr. Fields, I think is who you're talking about. Well, that's why Mrs. Fields still calls herself Mrs. but they split up a long time ago. And the Fields kids, they don't talk to their dad, Mr. Fields, the cookie man anymore. Yeah. Incidentally, he found a second career as the cookie man in the snack wells commercials.

He went off and married a stripper strawberry fields. Wasn't that one of the bond girls in the, anyway. She's a stripper now. After she was discarded by James Bond. Well this riff is going nowhere. So the, not because of you Stewart. We look, all of us, all of us failed that one. In fact, guys, let's pause. Let's have a little self reflection moment here.

Okay. I feel like that riff wasn't up to our best. Let's all say one good thing and one bad thing about that riff, Dan. One good thing. I think it started strong. One bad thing is like, I felt like, One bad thing is like I felt like I was personally I thought I was forcing it. Okay Stewart. I would say one good thing was we said the word cookie a couple of times. Okay. It is delicious too. A bad thing is I think Dan was forcing it. Yeah. Okay. I'll say a good thing is that it ended so Dan stopped forcing it. And the bad thing was that I Mean million still dive starvation every day around the world Yeah, let's just have a moment of silence and go done. Okay, moving on I think we'll find a moment somewhere in the podcast where we were silent just edit that in Some Owen find some some Owen and stick him in there. He's from remembering some Owen. He's probably a professional wrestler, he's doing fine.

Yeah. Find some some Owen and make him into a cookie and we're done. Sell him to the Girl Scouts. What if it turns out the Girl Scouts have been killing actual some Owens to make those cookies? What can we, is there a way to, all right, well it turns out the girl scouts have been killing actual some moments to make those cookies. Going. We can we.

Is there way to all right. Well, it turns out they lose the control the car because it turns out Noah cut the brakes, which actually brings the father and son closer together in that moment of fear. And this is when the movie hyper drives into crazy town. Vicki convinced his Claire to break into Noah's house and delete the files in his computer, which is of course in an evidence dungeon paper with pictures of Claire having sex with him. She finds a file labeled, well, like Claire pictures and In the folder Achilles. Yeah, the folder's called Achilles. Now what a normal kid would title it spank bank And every you can deposit that in the spank

And then take what's left after you use that after you withdraw that deposit deposit in the sperm bank. Then you're going to deposit. It's the interest of the account. Surprisingly low. Okay. There's not a lot of demand for it right now. Okay. I mean, it's less interest and more like the sperm slowly die over time. So you're actually decreasing in value. But so they say the sperm decrease in value the minute you drive it off a lot. Yeah. Now, what I love is that every photo is so clearly titled like clear sleeping one,

clear sleeping two. He went through and he retitled all of the photos and all the files. She deletes it. But she's almost caught by his uncle who's back from the hospital. I forgot to say his uncle was in the hospital. I also forgot to mention that she has seen through the window him having sex with the girl Kevin had a crush on it turns out she was working for him. I guess in exchange for sex and she's the only nude girl we see in the entire movie. J. Lo shows a lot of leg, but not a lot of other parts. So Mr. Skin put that in your catalog. I mostly get a dude butt.

So ladies, yep, I mean, that's your thing, I'm just saying. Yeah. I thought you already inferred that for most ladies, dude butt is their thing. Did I infer that? I mean, I don't know, you said it kind of like. Well, I mean, for people who don't want to

rough it the way that a professional butt would, you go to a dude butt, and that's, you know, like, just for weekend, and you get to experience a little bit, and you rope some cattle on a butt, and like, you know, you get to wear a cowboy hat on a butt, and then you leave. You go back to your life. You're like, dude, but.

You know, just like the hit Nickelodeon show, hey, dude, but which introduced the world to Ben Stiller's future wife. Anyway, moving on. It was covered by salute your shorts. And that was a very high level Nickelodeon show, but joke. I give you a lot of points for that. In fact, I think stewards, the winner of this episode. But things get to go to Crazy Town here because there's an evidence dungeon,

Vicki in trying to help Claire, gets on Noah's bad side, and he hits her over the head with something in kidnaps her before murdering her. Yeah, Christian Chenowitz died. Christian Chenowitz's body is later hurled out of a crawl space or off a high shelf at just Jennifer Lopez. Immediately following a classic cat scare.

Uh-huh. And a classic cat scan. Because you got to know about your health. Well, it makes it classic. Who's a black, who's just like a white and white? Yeah, yeah. It hasn't been colorized. Yeah.

It's just hanging out on the side of a greasian urn. Lopez somehow arranges an appointment with a detective who explains to her and shows her the wreckage of the car crash that killed Noah's dad turns out he was a cheater too and Noah hates cheaters. So, uh, Noah killed- There's keep in that car carcass around. Yeah, yeah, the carcass. Mm-hmm.

That's in like a giant warehouse. Well, it was in their museum of random cars from crimes. Sure, next to sweet tooth van from Twisted Metal. Oh, definitely. Definitely like the deathproof car. Yeah, the deathproof car, herbie fully loaded. Christine, yeah, the car from the car. The cars that a Paris, not all of the trucks from maximum overdrive, but one of them.

Cars that a Paris, the real movie. The convention circuit right now. Yeah, yeah, that's. So Claire, uh, runt gets stuck with Noah. That's Wikipedia doing over there. Lewigipedia is not helping me go any faster. So let's cut to the climax. Noah Kinnab's Claire takes her to a barn in the middle of nowhere.

That barn we'd seen earlier. It wasn't? Yeah, yeah, they're in the previously on Boynext stories. Oh, okay. Because I clearly remember saying, why are they in a barn? Yeah. To set up this barn. Oh. It's checkups rule.

You see a barn. You sent it to see a barn in the first act. You're going to see somebody. I thought if the universe barns exists. Yeah. Oh, okay. Oh, thank God they showed me a barn earlier in the movie, girls. I wouldn't believe it when the barn shows up at the point.

A barn with an engine block hanging up in the air. Yeah, because it's a car barn. Now, Noah Kinnab's Claire. He-hmm. Now, Noah kidnaps Claire. He's also kidnaped her husband and son. The husband has been beaten about the face and neck area and has changed to something. The son has also chained to a thing. And everybody starts kung fu fighting, you know,

but not with kung fu, just with fist and stuff. And Noah is mad that Claire doesn't want to be with him because he genuinely loves her in his own crazy, violent, stupid way. He lights the barn on fire. And no, actually, he covers the place in gasoline and then he pulls out a lighter and Claire pushes him, which causes him to drop the lighter.

Kind of the stupidest move she could have made at that point. It's an easy way to clean up all the evidence of her husband murder. Yeah, it turns into a fight between Noah and her husband, then she joins in, then the sun joins in, she hits him with a tire iron, hits no, and not the sun.

The husband gets shot and I assume killed, then Noah gets shot, I think, right or no. Anyway, she gets two moments of like, he says something, then she has a quip afterwards, and the first he says, Claire, I trust you. And she says like, but you shouldn't trust me. And then stabs him in the eye with an Epi pen. And they're fighting.

And then she takes her thumb and she gouges it further into that same eye in a pretty graphic shot for a movie like this. Then the son and him are fighting and they're grappling over the gun. And I forgot what her second quip is. Yeah, he's about to shoot somebody else and she's like, Oh, he says sometimes heroes have to make, have to make tough decisions.

And she says, you're no hero. And then cuts a chain or something and the engine block falls and crushes it. It's really important to her that he knows before he dies that she doesn't like him. But it might as well be just an anvil falling on him from the sky. Like it is really loony to see. This is just like big block of metal falls on him and catches him. He also has enough time to look up and go oh shoo. He also recovers from having his eye gouged out pretty quickly. Maybe it's just a adrenaline. When you're a teenager dude you get over that. You bounce back. That's true. You heal faster. Every moment is like an eternity.

And then they're outside with the police and the fire department. I guess heard the barn on fire. And that's the end of the movie. And the police are like, there's only one body in there. I'll burned up. Who was it, though? Your husband or the other guy and then I'm just making that up. No, there was no there was no the end question mark, I think. It just kind of ends kind of a rough way. Right. Let me get my ambulance and the guys like, hey, I just moved in next door to you. I'm gonna close out a chainsaw. Now, here's the thing, this movie, I think we're all really looking forward to it.

It didn't quite live up to the level of dumbness I thought it was going to have. Yeah, this is going to the final judge was the good bad movie, bad bad movie, or were you kind of like tell it, what are you saying? I think it could have been a good bad movie. It just like didn't go far enough. There were scenes where like the sudden breaks cut on the car and they decide that the best way to deal with that is to drive on the wrong side on the car and they decide that the best way to deal with that is to drive on the wrong side of the road and almost bump into a lot of things.

Fuck all over the place. Or a lot of the scenes, there were a lot of times when Noah would do like a sexy quip, but it was the kind of stupid vulgar joke that a real 19-year-old would make. Like when he says, I love your mom's cookies. Or when she says, oh, we had a big thunderstorm. And he goes, oh, the husband goes, it was dry where we were camping. And he goes, yeah, well, it got pretty wet around here. Like they are the dumbest first level in you end though. And if there was more stuff like that, it would have been great. And by the end,

it gets super nuts when she's literally gouging out a man's eye and a burning barn. Now, if you see a movie titled super nuts you might not want to stay up for it because it could be about cartoon squirrels it's true but it could also be about super powered testicles are you about whether you want soup or nuts sure yeah it's called soup or nuts

it's a dissection of a decision what place is offering you either soup or nuts. Dissection of a decision. What place is offering you either soup or nuts? They don't fill the same requirement in a meal. Maybe like a grandma? You used to be about the phrase from soup to nuts. It's like, what kind of meal is this? That starch was soup and it's nuts. Oh, that makes sense.

Nuts was like an after dinner thing for when soup would be your starter. That's done in dessert, nuts. In Europe, in Europe, you ask for dessert starter. That's done a dessert, nuts. In Europe. It's a handful of nuts. In Europe, you ask for dessert and they'll give you a plate of. I always use your excuse in Europe. In Europe, they'll give you a plate of fruit and cheese for dessert.

I mean, that's crazy. Don't even get me started on Persia. It's nothing but like honey flavored bread. Yes. Anyway, this is a whole, whole civilizations that barely understand that chocolate exists. Is it the starter or you never dessert the situation? You can have soup or nuts.

Yeah, no main course. Both. It's called unsatisfying and it's the dinner that leaves you hungry for more. They always told me leave your audience hungry for more. And I think my restaurant does that. Why not feeding them enough? I agree with Elliott in that I think that this hovers between a good bad movie and a bad bad movie.

Like, it was not as crazy as I was like to believe. It kind of bored me for a lot of- Judging by the amount of the movie you spent looking at your phone, it bored you for 90% of the time. Yeah, but, you know, you can do worse. I will say, if you want to see a movie that has a bunch of dumb lines and Jennifer Lopez wears a lot of clingy skirts that show off her butt. This is a movie for you. Yeah, Stuart. Yeah, I think you're right It's I think it's just below a good bad movie our our male lead

Was pretty was pretty good and Jennifer Lopez is pretty crazy But I think they could have played up more like the forbidden attraction element. And yeah, it was like, it was didn't it for I will say that the like the sex scenes were steamier than I expected in a movie from nowadays, but it was like you wanted the rest of the movie to feel like CD and gross in a way that it didn't. Like for a good, good, bad movie, it should have felt like you were like, ew, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, instead, yeah, it wasn't.

Yeah. I think that. I agree. It was PG-13. It was not. It was rated R. Oh, yeah. But it was a soft R. It could have been a hard R.

Yeah, I mean, it wasn't like irreversible I've got no pets here yard For hard are I don't even think that's a heart. It needs NC17 probably no cowboys under 17 Hi everybody, I'm Justin McAroy. And I'm Dr. Sydney McAroy. Every Tuesday we bring you solvones, a marital tour of misguided medicine, a show about all the dumb, weird, terrible ways that we've tried to fix each other over the years. You know, some light summer listening.

Maybe you want to hear about yogurt enemas, or why we tried to eat mummies for a while or why drinking cholera diaria sounded like a good idea. That and so much more is waiting for you every Tuesday right here on the Maximum Fun Network with Saw Bones, a marital tour of misguided medicine. We do have a sponsor for a night show. The flop house is brought to you in part by Squarespace, the all-in-one website platform that makes it fast and easy to create your own professional website.

Squarespace offers beautiful templates, integration with Google Apps and Getty Images and a feature called Cover Pages. We're free trial with no credit card required and to start building your website, go to squarespace.com and use the code flop. Flop. Yeah, and use the code flop. You can get 10% off your first purchase.

Squarespace. Build it. Beautiful. Let me tell you how many times you have to tell our audience you need a website. Everybody's living on the internet these days, just like they said we would in the social network. Where are you going to live? Right now you're living on the internet these days, just like they said we would in the social network. Where are you gonna live? Right now you're homeless on the internet. You're just wandering the internet begging for change, sleeping under under digital bridges. Make yourself a home, Squarespace. You want to impress

your grandma that you got this awesome deal. The only way you can do it is by using the code. Hey, you can show your favorite podcast that you like them. Mm-hmm. Thanks, Buds. But now, we move on to Letter from Listeners. Letters, da, da, da, running low on time. Here's a quick letter song. Yeah. I like it. Uh.

I won you over. So. Damn, like my song. Damn, finally, like my song. He liked it. Hey, he liked it. Mike. He liked it. Life cereal featuring Dan. Thanks. So this first letter goes like this. Hey, dudes, I have two things. First Dan, you're my favorite. I also have a knee problem. No one cared about. Second.

I've never been on the date. What a bond. Or try dating at all. You fellow seem like experts since you're all happily questioned Mark Merried. How do you start dating? Your loyal listener spends their last day withheld. How do you start dating? Well you find someone you want to go out with and you ask them, hey, you want to go do something?

Yeah. That's the easiest way. Here's the thing. A lot of people, I know when I was younger, I put way too much thought into dating because I thought you had to put thought into dating. It's a lot better if you don't put, you think about, hey, who's someone I like to spend time with and what's the thing I think they would find fun. Be more of a straight caveman about it, right?

Just bonker on the head. No, be a caveman. Not bonker on your head. Be a gay caveman. Bonk him on the head and take him back to your bed. He can't use bonk anyone on the head and take him back to your bed. There's bonk anyone on the head and take him back. No, but. What if it's bonk, Dan, from the TurboGraphic 64?

For sure, we're going to have it 16. You should out of every time. Sure, that's the only thing that you can do, but. Except for those things that hurt you when you're bonk him. Yeah. Well, a lot of people date on the internet. They could do that too.

Just saying, like, no, I think you're right in what you're getting at, though, which is to be straightforward. I think you can get a pretty good sense unless you're a crazy person and they're plenty of them out there. They're plenty of crazy creeps. I'm not going to say that there aren't crazy creeps out there. I hope you're not one of them. But unless you're one of them, you, I think, have a pretty good idea if someone might be interested in you romantically.

And so if you think that there's a possibility, you just say, hey, would you like to go out on a date and suggest something? And if they say no, then you politely say, all right, thank you, and you stop thinking about them. And you go and ask somebody else because there's a lot of fish in the sea. And if you're interested in fish, don't even wave them saying no, just take them with you. Connected and switched on,

I've seen you all night, Dan is giving relationship advice. Yeah. Well, Dan was a doctor drew in another life or a doctor, Dan, if you will. I don't know why he calls up doctor Drew. So, uh, I hope that helps, the most important thing is find the right person to ask. I mean, I guess. I mean, find some. I mean, find someone you're interested in. Don't ask like a stranger at a bus stop that you're not interested in. That is not attractive to you.

I shouldn't ask somebody who is secretly in the thrall of an evil dude who's trying to sleep with your mom. That is a very good tip. Yes. Because she's only, here's the bad thing. She's just using you as a tool to get to your mom, and secondly, you know she's gonna be having sex with that much hunkier, much more buff guy,

and it's gonna make you angry. And we've already learned he is totally good at satisfying people. Oh yeah, he's very generous. Except that's the thing, when the time we see them having sex, she is pleasuring him. But here's the ears, here's a tip. That's how it works for some. Be friendly and engage them as a human, not just as a potential mate.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Find a connection. Unless it's the casual encounters page on Craigslist, in which case, and don't read too much emotion into it, or else you'll be pulled into a web of seduction and desire. Just boning, just sheer boning. Yep, boned that fish. So, use your boning knife. Moving on.

This letter goes like this, Plop Lords. I once again, done your bidding and entered the time stream and traveled to the past to steal the hat. I do this without caution. So this way the mystery's been solved. I do this for that question, for I know too well the punishment for that is gifted to those who question the commands from the Golden Throne of the Flopplords. I would however like to remind you that this is now the second time you've sent me into the past to steal a mold-based block cap. And though you insist that the theft of this item is crucial in, quote, maintaining the time-stream, I can't help but notice that when the hat is brought before authoritative,

you begin to giggle like schoolgirls. It feels like you're playing some sort of time-space prank, which is, of course, you're right to do if you feel like doing so, as the rulers of Earth, formally Earth. Please do not do that. I forgot we changed the name, I guess. Please do not take that the wrong way and throw me into the pit of the flop cat or bash me to that island of misery and sand lice where the brother of Kalen awaits to torment the earth between one.

It's called Sports Lovanie. For the boring sports stories. Anywho, I'm writing you this message from here in the past to you in the year 2035 to ask if I should just stay here and wait for the next time you want this hat stolen, or should I continue to risk death and sanity traveling through what Lord Wellington calls quote the time vagina. If I had a vote which no one does now, I'll hail the flop lords. I would like to minimize the amount of time I spent time traveling. It hurts, and while you guys think it's funny, it's starting to affect my ability to steal hats for you. As always, if you command me to travel back to 2035, I will. Do not wish to be sent to one of Lord McQuoy's

depression tubes. I'll hail the flop lords, Jason, the last name I've held. He needs to take his meds. Yeah. Thank you, Jason, for explaining a mystery that is long-dogged floppels. Jason, normally when one addresses the tri-parthite throne, the godhead that is the flop lords, it should be in the form of a song, but I guess a letter is all right. Don't sing a song. Too late. When you're talking to fl lords on the flop lords throne. Remember your manners. You're yes and your ganners.

Yes. Remember to be the best you can be the best you can be. Or we'll throw you in the pit. Okay Dan, keep going. This last letter of the night goes a little something like this as a fan of both Sleeze and Badmouttes. I feel I have to make one small correction to your recent talking cat episode. Recent. I've seen a change in number of David D. Cacto films, which are all horrifying trade wrecks me. But one thing they're not is gayslees or case-off for porn. In fact, it would be better if they were. Sure, one glad clad, one guy clad, and nothing but boxer briefs

might spray a hose on five guys, also clad, only boxer briefs. But then they'll all awkwardly assert that they're totally heterosexual and talk about how hot the single female character in the movie is, who often appears to be a homeless woman, Decocto found driving to the set that day. Decocto, sorry, we were over this last time. Yeah, yeah. Sorry.

It's very difficult. It's because Decocto is not an actual name. No, yeah. Whereas, Coct cocktail is a name. Yeah. And it's a hit, Tom Cruise movies for babies. Cocktoe, they can't quite pronounce cocktail. So they call it cocktail.

Yeah, you're a rich and... Yeah. Why decoto feels unnecessary to insist every character in his movies is heterosexual? Even when working for a gay film studio is a puzzle I've been attempting to assault for years. It's maddening, but I wouldn't want one of your viewers to accidentally watch two voodoo Academy, a movie which has neither voodoo nor an academy, and then and think that they'll seem much more than a bunch of guys

wandering around in boxer briefs. And as a question, what movies do you think would be exciting? of your campus? You just proved our Academy suggestion from earlier, by the way. What? Well, you just disproved the earlier comment about how Academy or school might be a good idea for watching a software porn and movie.

In this case, Academy, like you. I mean, I think we don't have what experience of the gay soft core. Oh, okay. I guess Boudou Academy. Yeah. I don't know. But he ends his question as a letter asking. I'm sure it's a rich and vibrant area of film.

As a question, what movies do you think would be exciting and scandalous, but just turned out to be boring? Well, the boy next door on F L O P in the USA Peter last name with old. Um please what I think is gonna be scandalous and exciting. It was just a lot of those like Mondo movies type things were they that you think they're gonna be like super like, either gross or scary, and then it's a lot of like, clearly staged footage of things. Yeah, I mean, like there's a lot of also,

I feel like a lot of these like, purposefully camping movies that are being made these days, like promise a lot, and then just really like back off the sleeves. They don't have the courage of their lack of convictions, as somebody probably said somewhere about something. I said it, but I think I was quoting someone else. Yeah, I'm probably quoting you quoting somebody.

There's a movie that I watched recently called Death Spa that I thought was gonna be really good. And started out really sleazy with like I've been able to watch that scene of like a bunch of ladies like Showering in the spa as like it heated up and like Tiles from the Seranic tiles of the shower started like just like popping out and like attacking the ladies like shooting at the ladies.

Some kind of death spa. But then the movie just took a sharp left turn into like what could have been a 1970s like TV detective show where they just like went off and took the Hollywood Hills and tried to explain what was going on in the death spa. Like there was some sort of entry with some dude that I just lost interest in very quickly. And I don't know, I mean, just like moving with death spot should be nothing but please like front of back. I feel like.

Yeah, somebody's not signing up for death spot expecting like some genuine story craft. Yeah. You don't have anything to do. No, no, I think the one that I always think of is the Todd Phillips comedy old school, which you know, is kind of lauded as a, as like a, like a college comedy. I don't know. It's funny enough. But I feel like it's, it, if, none of its characters were as terrible as I kind of wanted them to be I want like

It makes all the characters in animal house seem like monsters Yeah, I mean they are but that's that's part of what makes it funny Yeah, and I felt like none of the characters in old school were as terrible as I wanted them to be in In that like because that's the whole thing about a comedy about guys pretending they're enough for trick like guys they're too old for saying they're enough for turning you're setting up for turning the is you want them to be actually bad people that want to be bad again so that you could like live out the like the fantasy of being watching a bunch of old guys be dicks to people.

I feel there's a lot of there's a lot of comedy now that presents itself as like edgy or rough comedy and especially it's stuff where they then release DVDs that are like the unrated version. But then you watch it and you're like, oh, this is not, there's nothing like shocking or funny enough to be shocking or shocking enough to be funny. It's just going to like people talking about their dicks. You know? I remember like, I didn't expect anything more out of this movie,

but I saw that movie, Hall Pass, where it was just like, this movie is sold on like the premise of like, oh, like these guys are going to get the Hall Pass and like the comedy is like, that's the title. I mean, like the premise of it is like this titillating premise of like, you know, like, what is learning people into the theater is like the comedy of the premise of like these married

men like having like this chance to have sex outside of their marriage, you know, and like what's going to happen after that. And the movie itself is so tame in reinforcing like just like the status quo of like, oh, of course, neither of them can bear it in you. Marriage is great. You know, and like sex without love is meaningless. Exactly, and like at that point, it's just like, well, like you have literally like,

like I feel like movies like that really like lure people in under this like, titillating false pretence and as an excuse to reinforce societal norms. Yep, then it holds up a harsh mirror to the audience. This is what have you done. You should love the person who came to this shitty movie with you.

You wanted this, but it turns out you were wrong. And just like, you know, like fucking just go with the fucking premise, like follow it through, man. Yeah, be like badly to it. Well, like I guess sucker punch was kind of like that where it seemed like it was going to be this crazy, maybe even sleazy movie, but then it was similarly like, you love this stuff. And you're wrong to love it when it was like, I don't like this stuff. And even if I did, why should I be made?

Why should I be like told that it's wrong to see a like a fantasy type story, you know, yeah It's I don't I don't like movies that are That act like they're gonna be sleazy and then they shame you do you blame them the marketing or the movie itself? One sucker punches case that was the movie all the way, but These days the marketing is so much a part of the movie all the way. But these days the marketing is so much a part of the movie. I don't know. Trailers for trailers, right? Yeah, I guess so. Yeah. Yeah. On the other hand, I don't there's a certain level of sleeves that I do not enjoy going to, you know. No, I'm not I'm not I'm not not making a blanket argument or favor of sleeves either.

I'm just saying that if you're going to do a certain thing, then like, you can't make a big wish. No, but I sell. I think it says in the Iliad. In the first edition. Yeah. Yeah, I don't like the, I don't like the big switch on the audience. You want more of a master bait and switch. Yeah, I see no problem with that. I mean, I'll allow it.

There's nothing in the rule book that says I can't masturbate. Thank God. Because I've been doing it a lot. Uh, so. TMI. Trademark. Incorporated. Dan McCoy's masturbation industry is. So take it from me. I do it a lot. That's the Dan McCoy promise.

Some letters, right? Yeah, and now it's the final segment. That's our show. So where we advertise Dan McCoy's masturbation school. Oh, wow. It's where you only place where you can learn, learn, learn an MBA, a masturbation, bachelor's of arts anonymous. It's an MBA. What art is don't hold? Oh no, it's very subtle art. This is where we recommend movies that we watch, that we actually liked. Okay.

I'll go first. I watched the Academy Award winning documentary Citizen 4. Bikini Academy, which was a heart-shakes pose of the terrible conditions that bikini academies across America. Many of these girls have to wear one pieces. This is for sunburn is a real problem. Topps are constantly falling off

I'm just gonna recommend it actually that's I would love to see a movie about a fake documentary about the problem of bikini tops Anyway citizen for it's about Edward Snowden. Yeah, I'm prescended to access and they were filming it as the story was being Revealed to the world right? Yeah, and whatever your feelings on Edward Snowden, and I think that probably most people... What do you think he is hot or not? I think most people have complicated feelings about him. Sexual feelings. This movie makes...

Whether or not you believe what he did was justified, it makes interesting points about what the government is doing in terms of surveillance on its citizens. And it also, like, very early in the movie, like Edward Stodem himself says, like, the media likes to make a person the story, and I'm afraid of becoming the story. And I think that that was exactly what happened with him. Like, I think a lot of people's opinions on that story were formed by

whether or not he was kind of a douche or not. Which most of the time was based just on how he looked. Yeah, it was not like anything that he actually comes off very well. And that's because obviously the documentary is sympathetic to him, but he also is given a lot of time to just speak off the cuff and he comes off well in this story and it's just you know it's an interesting political documentary about the current state of surveillance in the US. How's JLoan? She is Mengen. Whoa! Mengen! Okay, why are you made it through that old recommendation. Yeah. I recommend a current movie called Faults in our stars. Nope. That's that's for another podcast. This podcast, I'm recommending a

movie called Faults. Now Faults is a I guess a thriller of the non-erotic variety? No, erotic. Maybe a black comedy, I don't know. It stars a cast of primarily character actors and Mary Elizabeth Winstead. It's about a cult deprogrammer who has received some level of notoriety, and he's kind of down on his luck,

and he takes a job from some parents who are nervous that their daughter has been, who has fallen into a dangerous cult, and he takes the job to deprogrammer. And the movie is you know it has it has a twist at some point and I don't actually think that totally works but it manages to do such a great job and such great character work from leland orser that it I think it's I think it's a good watch. I'm going to recommend a movie super quick. I haven't seen it too much lately. And to be honest, the movie that stuck with me the most is a movie that Stuart recommended

on a, I think maybe the last episode of previous episode at the very least, which was it follows followed you home and then to the movie theater, were you watched it? My recommendation that is. Yep. And then it followed me to now when it's a movie. I've thought about it a lot since I saw it. It really captivated me and captured me when I was watching it and stuck with me afterwards. And thought it was just really, really good. And is already early in the running, or maybe my favorite movie of the year, although, again, only in the first third of the year.

But that being said, my favorite movie of the first third of the year. So at the risk of sounding repetitive and redundant, and like a big ol' copycat mimic starring, that would be the... Maristor Vino. Maristor Vino and... So what do you mean? Carp crotron. ...in copycat mimic and and so we're in copycat mimic.

It's a combination of copycat and mimic where what's the name of the St. Harry Connick Jr. is pretending to be a Jack Cockroach. I'm going to recommend it follows. All right. I'm present. I mean,

copycat mimic I mean, you can blame you can place the blame on the effects that movie had on me And then I haven't seen that many movies since then yeah, and your baby Is the reason you haven't seen that many movies the main reason I haven't seen Yeah, yeah, yeah, yep, you know, we could do that Blame it on Rio too. Michael Kayne has sex with another and rage girl. Well, guys, I thought that was the model of the cartoon birds. That's just called Rio.

That was so blame on Rio. It's about Michael Kayne having sex with a cartoon bird. Lame it on Madagascar. So guys, thank you for being here. Thank you for being your friends. Travel down the road and back again. Thank you all for listening. For the Flop House, I've been Dan McCoy.

Yeah, you have. I'm Stuart Wollock. For Squarespace, I'm Elliot Kaelin. Good night, everyone. Check. Check, please. Good night everyone. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ [♪ [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ just heated them up in the microwave. The Dejornos pizza that was not delivered to you, wink, we delivered it to you. That was also comped. Thank you much, Richard.

What's this here where it says, Magnum, $100. Okay, so have you ever had a ice cream bar called a Magnum? No, I'm not familiar with it. Well, I charged you so I could eat it, and it was delicious. I scream bar call a magnum. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, is sprung which means throwing shade is here. We are here every season. We've been here every season, but now we're here again. If you don't know what we do, we take a look at lady issues and gay issues and we treat them with much less respect than they deserve and we do it every week. It's politics, it's comedy, it's absurdity, it's a lot of hair style. So many hair styles. Absolutely.

Yes. In your head picture people with a bunch of wakes on, talking smack and smoking dope.