The Flop House - Ep. #197 - Seventh Son

Episode Date: February 6, 2016

Is Seventh Son seventh fun? Perhaps, though we're not sure what "seventh fun" means. Meanwhile, Elliott pitches us on FXXX, Stuart expresses his love for fantasy bullshit maps, and Dan feels terrible about mixing up En Vogue and TLC. We also debut Jonathan Biegen's "That's How it Works (feat. The Flop House)." And a warning for sensitive listeners -- we briefly get serious during the letters section with some talk about suicide. Movies recommended in this episode: Close RangeDiary of a Teenage GirlMiddle of Nowhere

On this episode we discuss 7th Sun. Dan, I didn't see Sun's 1-6. Will I understand what happens in the movie? You will not. Sun finds the best. Hey everyone and welcome to the flop house, I'm Dan McCoy and I'm Stuart Wellington. Trademark sound effects, I'm Elliot Kaylin. We're all here together, it's been a little while. It's been like two weeks, two weeks.

We had the same amount of time between these days. You know why it feels like it's been a long time, because you're drunk. Well, possibly, but we did those two live shows and then we did an episode right afterwards. Like I used to have a new pals around me all the time. Yeah, that's nice. Yeah, you know, even though, you know,

I'm kind of under the weather like I got this. I'm like, oh man, yeah, we got. Hey, up top. Yeah, under, down below. But when you guys called me up today to say, hey, do I want to come back and podcast? I'm like, oh my fucking mail, let's do this. What happens is we,

I'm trying to build this kind of story around signal. We put up the stew signal, which is a big silhouette of a can of beer with Angus Scrim. And you know, pouring it. It's a real elaborate silhouette. Oh, and it's also, and also it's the biggest one we're doing, don't off.

It's all silhouette. When we project that onto clouds, I'm amazed that it still reads. It did. It had to be a very cloudy night. Yeah. Then we set out the beer and open it in the smell. And carry stool.

Yeah, I set out the beer and we put a box with a stick propping that box up. And I floated along the smell waves like Monterey Jack. That's right. And the cheese character. He's named after his object of interest. The cheese character. He's a mouse.

From Disney's Rescue Race. No, but it's crazy that he's called Monterey Jacks and he just wants to eat cheese all the time. Like they don't call you chicken-calon. They maybe they should. No, every time someone calls me chicken, I have to fight them in a drag race Yeah, just like my grandfather and my great-grandfather eventually you'll learn

I don't only after this one pictures of the past yeah and the future anyway I bif stole a sports all men act do I care about that because I don't really care about sports It was a Oscars predictions We got to go back and stop him. So for this show, we watched. Wait, so what are we doing the show normally for the newbies? For the new bows, we watch a bad movie. Sounds like a racial slur, but it's not. That's our MO, bonus operandi. That's our monster opera. Um, so for this, that's our Mamie Ozen Howard. Our Mr. Octopus.

Yep, our melted, oscillot. Mo money starring Damon Williams. No. Stacey Dash. No. No. No. So we watched a movie tonight called Stretched Al. We got to fill the time. Seven, seven sons. Seven sons. It starred Jeff Bridges and some guy. Some guy and a generic guy and a guy and a guy. Julia Moore plays a morphing bedred locked dragon lady dragon queen, which and Kit Harrington is in it.

X Mac and that herself. Robo girl. Robo girls in it. What's her name? Alicia Vikander. Yep. And Olivia Williams is in it. Yeah. And in the role of guy who's in science fiction and fantasy movies, Jim on Hansdew. Yeah. Yeah. Now, here's something I'm going to say about this movie before we get into the plot.

When I saw that star Jeff Bridges and some dude, I assumed Jeff Bridges would be like the first 15 minutes. Yeah. Like a cash grab. Yeah. Like an outcast. He's going to be a whole Nicholas Cage outcast as you're like. Yeah, like a cash grab. Yeah, like an outcast. He's the whole Nicholas Cage outcast. Yeah, like he'd be in the beginning and then get kidnapped or something and then show

up maybe 10, 15 minutes before the ending. No, Jeff Bridges all through this film. Yeah, this is, if anything, it Jeff Bridges vehicle. Yeah, it's something like the love scenes. And those should have been for Jeff Bridges. I agree with you, but yeah, except for those, you got him like mugging about the whole meeting, man. Yes, with his, with his, what is it about?

Volstag, the voluminous beard and his just general thick, weird accent, can't quite understand. This is a post, a post-politik. True grit, Jeff Bridges, where he seems to think that acting means just a real incomprehensible voice. Do you think it's Amber? Do you think that's the director's now or like, no, do that true grit thing? Yeah, maybe. I mean, he's like, I was planning on talking like this the whole time. I was going to an uncaate all my lines ultra clearly. The witches are a powerful force a proper cup of coffee from a proper copper coffee pot. I am a drunken witch finder

Let us go a burn you're getting into clean I'm a dollar territory Watch my people suffer We see how democracy dies Liam Mason They're getting into like leases how democracy dies. Liam Neeson, there's a lot of stuff. That was just repeating. That was a bit on Jordan Jesse Gill, where Jordan, we've always talked about how when Liam Neeson played an American, he would over an FCA. Well, I have a very particular set of skills.

When you watch old money python episodes, whenever they do an American voice, they do that too. Like to an Englishman or whatever, is Liam Neeson's what Irish, I guess? Uh, to people from the UK, Americans are people who over-enunciate the ours at the end of words. So when you invite a python, they'd be like, well, over here, I'm going to show you the thing because I'm from America.

So that's like, is that what we sound like? Oh, horrible. I'm going to show you the thing because I'm from America Is that what we sound like? Oh, horrible. They put an art of where that doesn't even have it. I mean some people do that's the yeah More like snow than snow, you know tell me what do you think about my idea? Maybe it stinks These are real lines from my father's edges. So seven son Okay smash cut smash cut. Smash cut to the movie we watched. It's set in a legendary logo. It is.

Oh. Moving on. Now this is the pre-purchasing of legendary pictures by a Chinese media conglomerate. Okay. So this is a totally Western civilization film. Yeah. Although I would say that it had a pretty nice variety

of ethnicities represented in this movie. You got dragons, you got non-traggans. I mean, all the non-white people were villains. Not necessarily. What about that? Would I have tusk? What about the mammoth man? What about, we'll get to tusk in a second.

What about the guy who's both that they jump on and then gets capsized? You're right. You're right. You're right. That is. You're so dead. You're zoomed round. I assume he survived and is now thriving with his wife and I don't know 17. How many kids do people have in this universe? In the well at least seven if you're the seventh son of a seventh son. Yeah, and that's average, I guess. Now, yeah, that was he's like, oh, you did you only have seven children because that's very small in this time So we're it's in some kind of made up bullshit fantasy medieval time. Yeah, that could have used a map Stewart would have really liked a map. I was okay without a map at least put on the back of the DVD box

So I know I'm getting into with a bunch of little triangles that say that they're mountains man Yeah, I need to if there's a marsh., I gotta know what I'm gonna have to pack before I get into this movie. I don't think you know how movies work. When I see that movie, The Martian, it was very expensive to build my own space suit. And all the marshes. Again.

It's not a guy who lives in a marsh. We lost Matt Damon in a marsh. He's in a bog somewhere. Stuart, when he goes Yeah, hanging out with my power John Carter. So I'm gonna go martian this weekend I don't even know that's a thing. I've never heard anyone say that's where you go out into a field with a couple of buckets filled with mosquito eggs Follow me Well, you got to wear a diaper

And a big floppy hat everything else is totally optional Okay, I don't know what everything else but the You mean closer do you mean like a like a beach ball? Have you been base activities? Yeah, cuz if you do anything had this also dancing, that's enough That's certainly optional look you because otherwise they force you to do with other couples and you're like this is weird Not what I wanted or signed up. I'm wearing a floppy hat. I'm not good at this part So if you've been made that you need to cut that out No, baby move an orange from one of our next to another versions neck are we?

I don't know first a balloon on somebody on somebody's lap yeah I don't like resort games what it comes down to why not on vacation just let me do what I want to do and what you want to do is not yeah inflate a balloon with your lover and awkwardly pop it in front of a crowd of other people that you've never exactly the one thing I do is I call her my wife not my lover because of a crowd of other people that you've never. Exactly. The one thing I do is I call her my wife, not my lover. Because I am one. You're on a fucking cruise for lovers.

Yeah, come on, man. Just to be, look, when we booked this trip to Temptation Island, I assumed it was named after St. Temptaceous because it had been settled by the Portuguese in the 16th century. I didn't realize that it was an island for people to bring their mistresses and lovers. Yeah, because it's like you and your wife and then a whole bunch of models and Joe Severance.

And Joan Severance of the word. And Billy Zane is the narrator I would imagine. I don't see how he couldn't be. Joan Severance, the black school. The community is reading a letter about it. They got sent to him. Do you think Joan Severance was ever fired from someplace? And they were like, yeah, here's your severance package.

She's like hilarious. She's giving me the fucking funny. Who's saving all those letters to David Coveney, by the way? The people who wrote them. Yeah, but how do they get a sense of that? Who sends us our letters? Oh, he, he, in newspapers across the country, he just advertises in a little box, have sex, send me a letter about it, to David Covenant, Kare of Red shoe factory, you know.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Kare of Guy who reads sex letters next to his dog. I thought he was always like walking the streets in like a coat, like a rain, like a slicker. Often, I mean, it was different than in what was that show where it always opened with a woman. Taxi cab confessions.

No, it was stockings. No, it was a whore. Hot line, something. No, it was one of these cinematics shows where it always opened with a woman? Taxi cab confessions. No, it was stockings. No, it was a watch. Hot line, something. No, it was one of these cinematics shows where it always opened with a woman like, Cash cab. Taking a shower or sunbathing nude, and then she'd get a letter and read it.

And then that was the story for the episode. And that I was wondered why. So she did some kind of like sex collector who like is nude all the time and collects weevil sex stories. I think they're like sex chain letters, where it's like breaks the chain of this letter. And you will have seven years of bad luck. It, I'm a friend of mine's cousin broke this chain

and had sex and then had to describe it in a letter. Oh, so it's a punishment. Yeah. Okay. Deer pen house form, I never thought this would happen to me, but I had bad luck. Don't break this chain. Here's a letter about it.

Oh, so David's a company. So seven son. How's of D? What was that all about? Love, Red shoe diaries. Was that before or after playing God? It was after I believe. Because playing God was the moment when I was like,

oh, this David a company guy is not as great as I thought it is. And playing God was his attempt at at feature film start him. Yeah. Dear David to Covney. Why are you smelling California with a case? Love me. But then he changes the back. Love me. David to Covney.

Why won't you love me? That's a song. That's the song. Yeah, that was a song. And that's lyrics. Okay. Back in the height of David and company, Mania. What a ruin that swept the nation.

Yeah, the company fever, catch it. Mm-hmm. And when it was coming down with a case of. Who sang it like the Moody Blues or somebody? That's right. Yeah, the Moody. That's it. David and the company.

That's why there was some Moody. Yeah, the rap set in the David and the company. Silkin and brass. Yep. Sunday nights on the X-Files. Yeah, Foxmolder on Night in White satin. Night in a trench coat with a big, heavy flashlight. Yeah, we really have not talked about the movie at all. Now, what if there's that opening the X-Files where they walked in with huge flashlights

in their hands? Yeah. What if they misplaced them and they had used flashlights? I think go a little something like this. These don't provide light. I can't see anything. Wait, is this, are you just pitching like a red shoe diary? This is from my pornographic sketch comedy show that I'm super easy to make. That bitchy. It's your part of having 90s get come. We only do porn oparities of 90s stuff. It's for fxxx. The new spin off of xxxfxxx. It's all porn, but it's mostly Simpson's reruns. Mm-hmm. And wait, what would be your porn parody for Mary with Children?

It would be called, uh, Married Having Sex with the Children. Oh, no, that's terrible. Okay, well, what about a, a, Frazier parody called fucker? That's called, It's called, It's called, TossSally the, It's called, TossSally.

It's called, TossSally the, TossSally the, TossSally the, It's called, TossSally the, TossSally the, TossSally the,

TossSally the, TossSally the, TossSally the, TossSally the, TossSally the, TossSally the, TossSally the, TossSally the, TossSally the, TossSally the, TossSally the, TossSally the, TossSally the, TossSally the, TossSally the, TossSally the, TossSally the, TossSally the, TossSally the, TossSally the, TossSally the, TossSally the, TossSally the, TossSally the, TossSally the, TossSally the, TossSally the, TossSally the, TossSally the, TossSally the, TossSally the, TossSally the, TossSally the, TossSally the, TossSally the, TossSally the, TossSally the, TossS. Now, on millennium, it would still be Lance Erickson. He'd be like, women find me irresistible. It's my gift and my curse. Harsh round will be called,

Harsh Sex. It is not for me. That is too rough for me. I don't like it. Hey, look, I'm just a president of the network. I don't have to like everything. Yeah, I don't have to like everything. We're programming for a wide spectrum of viewers, you know?

No, there's no judgments here. Now, Viper, what would be the porn parody of that? That's the thing. Like a fancy car you have sex with? That makes sense. Well, we have a lot of time left. That's about space. That's the point of all these different things.

Space of all the people. Yeah, so seven sun. So it's a fantasy era. And there's a witch dragon woman played by Julian, more a plat named Martin. I got one. Instead of sequest, it'll be sea breast. You know what? I think he's working on it. There's potentially a sequest thing. I can totally see a scene where someone has sex with a dolphin. But let's keep working on the title.

I mean, Siemens right there. So if you could, oh. Yeah, Siemens Quest would be better. But instead of sequest DSV, it's Siemens Quest DP, I guess. Like, yeah, I mean, I guess it does keep the quest part as the important part, right? You want to. Yeah, well, we're not gonna be able to book quest love

to be in it if we don't have a quest in the title. That's true. So, seven sun. Seven sun. I get, look, here's the thing. able to book Quest Love to be in it if we don't have a quest in the title. That's true. So, Seven Sun. Seven Sun, I get, look, here's the thing. I'm just gonna come out and say it. I have less to say about this movie I think I normally would because I had a lot of fun watching it. Yeah. So let's talk about what it was about.

Let's, I mean, yeah. So there's a once, let's go through the synopsis really fast. There's a witch dragon lady named Mother Malcon play by Julianne Moore and a witch hunter named a spook in a term I did not feel comfortable with. Every time someone said it on screen. Yeah, it's very, it's a lot of what face is saying that. And so there's a witch hunter,

let's just call him a witch hunter. There's a witch hunter who has in prison. He's not the, well, he's not the last witch hunter. He's the last witch hunter. But that's my P predicted. I mean. He's the penultimate witch hunter. Yeah. He can he imprisoned him in prison, but the rise of the next blood moon, which happens when every hundred years, moon blood, the rise of that is money on the floor. The why didn't they put moon blood goodness moving? I don't know. I was talking to my blood moons. Now, the world's only werewolf actress.

Where's like, where actress? Boy, she works out. I'll keep workshop in that. You know what? You keep working on sea brisket. I got this white board over here. I'm just writing down words. So this witch hunter as in prison, her, she escapes. The witch hunter is played by Jeffrey, Jeffrey Daniels. Jeffrey Daniels. Jeffrey Daniels. My Jeff, my Jeff ridges.

This played by Jeffrey bridges. You may remember from the last picture show. Sure. And maybe Fat City. And what has he done since then? Not that much. That's right. But he was kind of playing rooster, cogburn slash big dude, Lebowski, as a witch hunter.

He's always drinking. He's a great fighter, but he's like everything. He says it's kind of like this, but it's more it's more British. I don't much a little more bany. Yep. We'll have to fight on dragon. Batman. Mr. Wayne, no blood moon. So he's hard to understand at times, but he's got so much charisma. Yeah. And he is aside from his accent being thick, he is putting a lot of energy into this. Like, he's going to have a lot of fun. Yeah, he is not walking through this role.

I remember how I was like, if you were a guy and you are a guy, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you

know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm like, you, you know, I'm like, you know, I'm a several minute bit where I was talking about porn parodies. I'm pretty sure I'm a guy. You've lived a full life. Nope, just a little bit. But you've never gotten to wield a sword and fight, which is, once you get that chance, you're going to put your whole heart into that. Who knew it? But like, if you're going to be like a dragon fighter, you're going to be like, fuck yeah, I'm

going to be, I'm just just gonna put on a crazy voice and I'm gonna put my whole heart into this thing. Yeah. Yeah. There's a saying it where Jeff Bridges is with his apprentice and they've just beaten up a witch. He's really a warlock. A warlock who can turn into a mean demon bear.

Mm-hmm. Copyright, Marvel Comics, I guess, the demon bear. And he's like, we have to light him on fire and burn him alive to kill him. And the guy's like, I can't do it. I'm not like you. And Jeff Ridge goes, not yet. And then lights the witch on fire

and turns around and goes, but you will be. And there's this, might as well just like, cackle the point. Might as well just like, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha just such total happiness. Like, I can't believe I get to see this shit. And I swear there was one part where he complains about, he's talking about witches and then he just walking away and goes, fucking witches. Like, he's totally into this part. And Julianne more does it, you know, is more interested than I would think she would.

There's a great scene where she offers a leash of a candor, a blood cake. And it's got a bunch of worms crying. Oh, man, it's hilarious. And then she delivers a mile log about the blood moon and And I was wondering if that stuff's not so interesting. But so he and his apprentice, Kit Harrington, who you may know as Jon Snow from the hit TV show Game of Bones, all my day. Or what was he in that Pompey movie we watched?

It's called Pompey. He was Pompey. It's called Pompeiiir. It was called a pump a iron it was called poppy and it was about John Wayne sidekick from the man who shot Liberty Valance played by Woody Strode right that was what he's trod and

that role wasn't it yeah I think so anyway they they track down mother Malcolm the evil witch dragon but uh oh she manages to kill kit Harrington that's depriving can't hear ten girl detective is that depriving... Kit Harrington, girl detective, is that? Depriving Jeff Ridges of his apprentice.

And so he goes to find a seventh son of a seventh son. Now, I always always under the understanding that in legends, the seventh son of a seventh son was a wizard. But here, the implication is that the seventh of a seventh is kind of super strong and super tough and has some kind of magical destiny. It's just a real cool dude. Just a super cool dude, just a great guy.

Real Destiny's Child. A real... Yeah, real Lisa's left eye, a low-pitched. Real TLC. A real Envoke. In that you're never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it. What are you never gonna get, Dan? Salt or pepper? The correct answer was my loving. Oh, okay. Never gonna get it, never gonna get it, never gonna get it. What are you never gonna get, Dan?

Salt or pepper? The correct answer was my loving. Oh, okay. Now, he goes to this point. I'm afraid I'll never get a year one. No, you'll get it. Oh, yeah, but you gotta work harder for it. Okay. Free your mind and the rest will follow, Dan.

Man, you know a lot of invokes on other slides. I know two invokes, I'm used to. Don't be so shallow. I know exactly the same number of invokes songs as five to invokes on the bs of shallow I know exactly the same number of invokes songs as the number of blues traveler songs I know okay which is that one about don't give me the run around and

the one about the hook brings you back are oh yeah those are different songs did he say I know that might be the same song because the blues traveler sing those songs when he traveled into the movie the blue is traveler the blue is sing those songs when he traveled into the movie. The blue traveler.

The blue legend tells the blue traveler. Who rides the rails and you can still hear him saying I'm blue. WD W die. WD W die. WD. Oh, no, I'm so mad. The weird thing about summoning the I'm blue guys, you don't even have to say it. Yeah, it just appears He's like mr. Mixick pitalic that way anyway back to seven Sun

He goes to a farm where Olivia Williams is the mom and he she has a son who's the seventh son of a seven son Who is busy tending the pigs but he has dreams Luke Skywalker on Tatooine style dreams something bigger and Loops Skywalker on Tatooine style dreams something bigger and James the power convert Jeff Bridges comes by at you now are already they've kind of established a little more color in this movie than most of the like Grim fantasy adventures. We've watched the grim fan dango's were used to yep. That was that all black and white or Yep, the full throttle the maniacs mansion. So yeah, there was already like, it felt like people were just... They were just cynical.

There you go. It felt like people were just putting more effort into this than they really needed to because it's a pretty generic fantasy movie, but like the performers are a little bit better. There's just like that much more of a feeling of energy and like design. I'd say for the most part, not all exaggerated. Yeah, there's at least they're interesting to look at. Yeah, and there's literally like you see there's literally color on screen. Like people

wear the colors blue and red and yellow in their clothes. It's not just all dark greens and dark browns and like mush. The editing is not hyper-kinetic. You can see what's happening most of the time. There's a basic level of filmmaking skill. Let's say on display in this movie. Jeff Bridges picks up this kid who's not really kid. He's like 20 or something.

And makes him his new apprentice. And they just kind of go around trying to track down Julianne more. Meanwhile, she's like rallying her troops. And the kid's mom gave him a magic amulet to bring. That's gonna be important, bro. And yeah, Julianne more's rallying her troops. And she's got a pretty good armory of crazy henchmen. There's the God of Swords who's kind of like a-

Good best dude. Who's like a Hindu deity type looking guy or He's got in that he's got four arms and he's blue Abu Dibu, Abu Dai Abu Dai, Abu Dai, and there's a Cheetah woman There's a snake man or is more of a gecko man as you may clear Yeah, and there's Jumon Hanshu who either turns into a dragon or his horse turns into a dragon This is not super mix. And everybody has bone chains that they can throw out like scorpion in my Mortal Kombat or the bad guy at the end of Brotherhood or the Wolf.

Yeah. Everybody has these like throwing chains with the blades at the end of them. And there's just a bunch of adventures. It's they're trying to, she's trying to cause trouble before the blood moon while he's trying to get the, they're trying to stop her and they encounter a couple different types of monsters. There's a, they fight a bear guy, they fight a bear man, they fight a big like kind of, I think that looks a little bit like the Cyclops from 7th Voyages in bed. He falls, he starts falling in love with a bit of a bogans or something. Yeah, yeah, baggains like a boogans. Like a booger. Yeah, it was a booger. Yep, from the red to the nerds. Sure. Okay. And that would be great. The apprentice. Honestly, they were fighting booger from the red to the

nerds. That this would be a five star movie. Oh, it would be amazing. Yeah Because he he elevates everything that he really does They are they have meanwhile the Julien Moore's sister has a daughter who's a witch. She's played by ex-Mockena and She starts falling in love with the hero because as she tells it after it happens Or is she just trying to trick him so that she he'll free her and she'll leave him down in that like fancy mansion to like starve to death. I'm assuming. And then she'll go off and live with him.

Maniac. So anyway, and we're forgetting we're forgetting the most the best character in the home movie. A little guy and by that I mean a big guy, named Tusk. Now Tusk, he's as loyal as he is ugly. He's best described as a leftover latex mask from some other movie that's been applied to a tall actor so it looks a little bit like if Robert Davie had just like weird giant vampire tusks. Yeah, or if like Tom waits after morphing into Ron Pearlman just kept on morphing. Just keep morphing huh. Yeah. Dan what, which your joke analogy for what he looks like? He's like a goblin mixed with the toothpaste tube. That doesn't really, that doesn't really

help me. That makes sense. And there's a couple times when Jeff Bridges like, ah, he says loyal as he is ugly. And it gets to a point where it feels like he's looks shaming him. He's notoriously, uh, uh, uh, notorious Hollywood honk Jeff Bridges. It feels like a long time. It's a very handsome man. He's just older now. Tussle like go see any movie he made from the 70s through like crazy.

Yeah, crazy. Yeah, no, he's crazy. What do you talk? He's a very handsome man. It does feel like maybe like Tussles like still a lady from him at some point. And now he just feels like he just needs to rub in like at any point. He's like, no, but you're ugly. But you're ugly stupid.

I know you're my most loyal friend, but you're ugly now. And Tuss is like, well, maybe ugly, but you know, sometimes a girl likes a strong silent type. Yeah, not always talking in a, in conference, but I say. And a good eater. I'm assuming. I'm assuming. You know what I'm saying?

I've got like this quiet conference. Yeah, and we've indicated that he can at least pee a large volume of water onto a fire. Right, which is what women love. You know what they say about it? That's what they talk about in the locker room. We have a, like, that don't impress me much. Can you put that on fire with your heat?

That don't impress me much. Hey Leonardo's wife, should I? Why don't you put on a fire with your impressive urine stream, huh? So you will Brad Pitt and that don't oppress me much up, but up, but up. No, that's not the song we're singing So there uh, there's a lot of adventures. We go through all them in detail. We're not going to Uh, they fight some dragons. They fight a big monster. They fight another monster. Uh, eventually they fight a big monster, they fight another monster. Eventually, Jeff Bridges takes his apprentice to his like

secret steampunk hideout cave where he has swords and things and here's the thing I like about the movie. Aside from the throwing chains which the bad guys use, I'll just say they're magic. The hero does not have a bunch of like steampunk inventions. There's just swords and axes. He's got like a magic staff. And he's got like, he's got like powders that have magical problems. And the training montage had like a bunch of good jokes in it. I can't, I like, I just remember the day existed. I can't really remember what it was. Well, there's, there's a bunch of good jokes in it

and there's one particularly good joke later on where he's always got this magic flask. Yeah. And I assume it's magic, because it's a never-ending thing. Well, I mean, well, that was the one joke I remember. I mean, like your joke is is later on but like the one joke I do remember the The montage is where it's like has the flask is like this magic post is like what does it give you is like

Courage but it's just like alcohol yeah, and but then what is this kill cowardice yeah exactly later on he He gives him a taste from the flask and he takes a sip the younger guy. And then he goes about take this another sip and Jeff Richards goes, no, you must only take one sip a day. Why is that? Because it's mine. It's like that's a solid joke. Yeah, yeah.

And it's fun to start. And it's fun to start. And very well. Eventually, they all catch up with each other at, there's a town that the witches go to for whatever. I don't remember why they went to that town because another witch was burned there. It's where they burned the bear guy. It's where they burned Mr. Bear. And we're patting it in the witch. That's the noise the bear makes. It's just the song of the bear say. That's a flashback. That's an old flop as episode.

That's just the song. The song of the bear fight. Go find it. I'm not going to tell you what episode it's from because I don't remember one miss call. Oh, there's one miss call spoiler alert. They they go spoiler alert. That's the song. So the witches all are mad and they're like, we're going to make an example of these jerks. So they go in for us and like blow stuff up and they'll transform and use all their powers. And this is actually a kind of fun little scene because like, there's a fair amount of motion to the sequence.

It's not like the fucking Avengers montage at the end of the first Avengers movie, but it's still pretty good. There's, I mean, there's like a dragon monster bursting through walls. Most of the action sequences in this movie, I enjoyed. The last one at the end is a little sloppy. It does fall under the problem that a lot of movies have.

Where it's like, these are the toughest, toughest, roughest bad guys in the world. Oh, wow, we're running out of time. Let's just kill these guys quick, okay? Two hits and you're done. Can't God of Swords, you're gonna get lit on fire pretty quick. Snake Man, you died already a long time ago. You, I guess you'll get stabbed in the gut and you're dead now, yeah?

And most of the time, the bad guy just like totally underestimates the other person and then they get stabbed and they die. Yeah, it's not like they're like fighting, they're just like standing there for a second that they're dead. And there's no brilliant strategy on that the hero. It's not like I discovered the one weakness and now I'll explain it.

It's being set on fire. They don't like that. It's sort of, these witches weaknesses is everything that would kill a person. It's a fire stabbing, I assume a gunshot wound, maybe just a heart attack.

My only weakness is my own mortality. Yeah. Yeah. Like, it's a step away from one of the bad guys just clutching his chest and dropping dead of a heart attack. We're like, if the God of Swords was swinging his swords at you and then had a brain aneurism and died, like that's- Yep.

Sometimes happens. It's not quite as sloppy as that, but a little bit. But anyway, Olivia Williams, it turns out she gave- the amulet she gave to her son is a special secret blood rock stone thing that gives mother Malcolm extra superpower bad news. She wants that thing. Yeah. And so Olivia Williams. She's got to have it in the words of the movie.

She's got to have it. Yeah. She's got to have that mcguffin. It was weird when I was watching she's got to have it in her life. This is a really good Just kind of look at a couple people's lives that well now they're fighting over magic amulet It's weird. I thought what she had to have was love and sex, but I guess it was that magic amulet Yeah, and if she finds that amulet will become she's all that oh

I was just an amulet to you yep a stupid amulet I was just an amulet to you. Yep. A stupid amulet. Mm-hmm. Uh, Freddie Prinz, Jr. Truly a prince of a man. Yep. Take that wing commander.

Take that guy who wanted to play Spider-Man, but didn't get the part. Take that, you would put the- You would put the- Mr. Sarah Michelle Geller. Am I married? Uh, they at least were. I don't know what that's still happening. Right into.

Are they married? Care of Dan McCoy. One, two, three, four. Freddie, Freddie, Freddie, Freddie, you're right in and tell me whether you're still married to Sarah Michelle Geller. SMG, you can write into. Tell us if you're still married to the Prince.

She's probably pretty busy, though. With what? What? What? Is she Clarissa? That's her name. She even Clarissa. Even Clarissa. Is it Clarissa anymore?

Or Sabrina? I'm surprised that Clarissa isn't Clarissa anymore. Because she had to explain it all. Like, she had to explain all of it. And like, she can't be done by now. Now she's explained it all. I mean, no, I mean, like, that would take and finish it up.

I think it's time. You're merely a drop of water in an ocean of knowledge. Yeah. But that's the thing about a drop of water, the entire ocean is in that drop. It's just like the Wikipedia text. It's small bites at all. I mean, the whole thing, in patience.

Small bites. Greens of sand is what I'm saying Elliot. I hate sand. It's so rough. It gets everywhere. Not like Natalie Portman's skin. Wait, where does it get? Wait, where does your skin get? It just gets on her. Oh, okay. I don't remember what Hayden, what Hayden, I don't remember what Anakin said in that movie. Okay. I'll remember is that he was taking her back. Terry was played a Hayden Christian sin and played the Hayden Christian sin. She'd actually be pretty good. That's the Hayden Christian sin. If she played the Hayden Christian sin and shattered glass, amazing. I love it all. She's in a movie called Shattered Hayden, which is with the making of Shattered Glass.

Sure. A real hero is tap to play Hayden Christian. Alright, this is your job, Flop House fans. This is your job, you pay. It's called, yeah, it's one of the benefits. It's called Hayden Switch 2016. Switch on Hayden Christian for Hayden Panitary. In both of their projects.

Yeah, and any project. Then show it to your grandparents. There's gonna be like, I don't know who these people are. But I appreciate the attention. But thank you for visiting me. Yeah. So there's a big fight of this amulet. But thank you for visiting me. Yeah. So there's a big fight of this amulet.

The daughter who the hero is falling in love with runs off with it after he saved her life from the witch hunter. Yeah. There's a big fight at the Ruins. The Ruins are there. At the legends of the Hidden Temple that that Julian Moore lives in. They fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, they fight, they fight, they fight and fight and fight.

But you went to fight, fight, fight. And you went to like, flaming paper. They turn into flaming paper when they die. And the good guys win in the end. And it turns out that Jeff Bridges had once loved mother Malcolm. They were in love together. And it was only because he, they, she loved him that he was able to trick her into being in prison so many years before. And he is about to stab her into being imprisoned so many years before.

And he is about to stab her, but then she fights him, and then the apprentice just kind of throws a knife right into her guy and then burns her. It's a call by Michelle Malcolm. That's why he was training him to throw knives so well, so that he would show up at the end. It is the only training he gets. He gets magic powder in education and knife throwing. And that's about it. Oh, any sword fights with a, with some kind of possessed

suit of armor? Well, poorly. Yes. Yeah. And so, and then you have fought in poorly. You fought? Yeah, it's mostly you had chosen poorly, but I made a fought instead.

The Charles Foughton, the actor and director of my, the fight in one of the fight. Right. Night of the fight. Night of the fight. Night of the fight. Night of the fight. Night of the fight. Night of the fight.

Night of the fight. Night of the fight. Night of the fight. Night of the fight. Night of the fight. Night of the fight. Night of the fight. Night of the fight.

Night of the fight. Night of the fight. Night of the fight. Night of the fight. Night of the fight. Night of the fight. Night of the fight. Night of the fight. Night of the fight. Night of the candor who then turns into the wind. Yeah, she witches away. Like women do, just like a woman. And for a second, you think that he's gonna go riding off into adventure, but nope.

Nope, he's gonna, he gets a tattoo on his hand. That means he's a witch. I mean, a brand from a hot piece of metal. Yeah, whatever he gets branded. And now that witch cave is his, and he gets to stay there with Tusk. Because Tusk I guess old Jeff Bridges a life debt and is now can be passed on to ever and Jeff

Bridges rides off to I guess he is fortune and and and the Bell tolls and that's what tells them that there's a which to be about and he puts his hoodie up and is on his way, the apprentice that is. Yeah, yeah. Because he meant where as much like it irritated Stewart that Eddie Murphy and the Golden Child were like a white hoodie with the hood half cut off, it bothered me that the apprentice in this

is basically just wearing a white champion brand hoodie through the entire movie. It really threw me off. And at the only... Well, it's a classic white hat trope, Elliot. Well, it was a white hoodie. Yeahpe, Elliot. Well, it was a way hoody. Yeah. It wasn't even like a cloak. Yeah. I mean, he looked like he even had a draw straight in the hood.

If he, if he went to a comic book convention and he was like, yeah, there's my costume on the guy from Miss Assons Creed. People'd be like, you look terrible. Fourth place. Fourth place is pretty good. Yeah, it's a small comic book. I mean, it's just outside of placing though. Like it's kind of insulting just to be like just outside. Yeah, I mean, given it to

him because he's like got magic power. We're still a fourth place. You're still in a $15 guess or diva. Yeah, to see him goody, which closed years ago. Now you can only go to Sam Baddie. No. Now, let me say this. My description was pretty lackluster. No, it's fine. But I feel like this because I feel like it's because when it's... No, I let you did a great job. For some reason, when it's a bad movie, the details are burned into my brain and I want

to discuss them, but I genuinely really had fun watching this movie. Yeah, I mean, we're skippin' to Final Fantasy. Let's just do it now. It's by no means a great movie or even a particularly good movie, but I would like enjoyed it so much that I kind of didn't remember it that well afterwards. Yeah, I'm... Which is why this is the worst flop house episode. In, uh, oh man.

In the... You can still save it? No, okay. No, in the, uh, flop house categories of good bad movie, bad, bad movie, kind of like, I gotta say, I definitely kind of like this movie. Yeah, me too. Every, look, I think that our nominal hero

for this movie, Blanty Blanterson, like you can kind of fast forward through all of his things. What's his name, like Todd or something, what's the character's name? The character's name is Tom. Anytime that he's so close. I give you uh, and 55% credit. Okay, can I ever do that? It's amg goody. Yes. Okay. Uh, one third of a mobile fidelity gold disc. It sounds better because it's gold. So pay me $100 for this CD. Anytime that guy's on screen without Jeff bridges

You can pretty much Ignore ignore the movie luckily Jeff bridges and like most of the film so I mean This is a movie that by all rights Jeff bridges should have been in three scenes and Julian Moore should have been in two scenes and yet They have really consistent Presences throughout the movie. Yeah. And are really fun to watch. And Julian Moore gets to wear some really crazy costumes. Jeff Bridges gets. Like a clog love that she scrapes people up with.

If Jeff Bridges had brought this level to RIPD, that could have elevated that movie. Like it shows you how much he makes a movie. Yeah, it really, and but he has the same kind of mumbly performance, but yeah, he's just so much more fun. And I don't know if it's because the supporting cast seems a little better than RIPD, like Alicia Vikander seems pretty good. Mm-hmm. And I also, there's, I felt like with RIPD, they were really convinced that that was like

an amazing premise. Yeah. And they were really convinced that that was like an amazing premise. And they were like, people are gonna love this premise. People love men in black and that's way crazier. What have you said to aliens, it was ghosts. Like, this is, I feel like they know the premise is not that original. It's just a guy trying to hunt down a big bad magic monster.

And so, I don't know, it felt like they put a little bit more effort into just like, what would be a fun thing for them to do here? Or like, if here's a monster that has bad eyesight, let's have it like just barging through things and slamming into mountains and stuff like that. Yeah, and the effects for that one were pretty cool. I wish they did less with the like Julian Moore tail attack that she used on everybody. Yeah, they kind of little bit of border.

Which is a little crappy. And all the morphing effects were, I guess, alright. There was one character that turns into a white dragon and that effect never looked very good. Yeah, and I feel like with that sort of shit, like less is more, dude. Just do, like, it's probably cheaper to do less of it. There's a part at the end where

Juman Han Shoo's character is a dragon. He's fighting Jeff Bridges, Jeff Bridges. You fight me as a dragon, have you no honor? And Juman Han Shoo turns into a person again. And it's almost like he says, like, we're running out of money for the effects budget. Just be a man for us. We got a black dragon and a white dragon circling

each other like a really cool Yin Yang up there. We can't afford a third dragon Wow, it was that Yin Yang and what else? I don't know what we only have money for a double dragon for this final fight For the NES Hello Internet, I'm Travis McElroy. And I'm Theresa McElroy. She is my wife. And he's my husband. And he's our pleasure to introduce to you a brand new podcast. Schmanners.

It's extraordinary etiquette. For ordinary occasions. Theresa, let me ask you this. Can you teach me how to write a thank you note? Yes, I can. How about tips to improve my table manners? I'll do my best. And will you finally explain to me the difference between casual

and business casual and cocktail and formal and black tie and all that stuff? If anybody can, I can. But like, it's going to be funny, right? Of course, I'm going to give historical origins and how those manners fit into our everyday lives. How could it not be funny? But also sometimes we'll talk about like burps and farts, right? Yeah, we're not too.

But we'll still talk about it. Yes. Great. So come join us for our new hilarious show. No RSVP Requires. Coming to you soon every Friday on MaximumFun.org. It's Schmanners! Manor, Schmanners. Get it?

Just a note from our sponsor for the show this week. The Flop House is supported by Squarespace. You bet it is. Squarespace. The SILD. Beautiful. Squarespace is the simplest way to create a compelling website You bet it is square space. Build it beautiful. Squarespace is the simplest way to create a compelling website. From the strange to the downright bizarre, great stories define us.

You should tell yours with simple tools and templates. Squarespace helps you capture your story with a captivating website. You can start your free trial today. Visit squarespace.com slash flop. You should squarespace. Now, here's the thing, you said bizarre stories, right? Because I have an idea for a website, and I want to run a guide by you guys,

the many squarespace.com. It's called www.surebath.com. And here's something that I've never mentioned you guys, with my experience. Sounds great. The smell. I have a fear of clean water. And so when I bathe, I go into the sewers, much like a ninja turtle or a chud or, you know, anyway, you know, I get the picture of the man in Orson Welles and the third man or a dark man. That's what he's doing now. There he's bathing. Hey, a, a, a, a, a, a, you know, phantom, I, you know, one of those types.

So I take a lot of baths in sewage. And as a result, I see a lot of interesting things. The result I have hepatitis C. I mean, that's another thing. Do you guys know a cure for cholera? But so I want to start this website called www.sourbath.com. It's just pictures of things. It's how we, are. Robby Davi Davi Davi Davi.

Robby Davi Davi. Robby Davi. Robby Davi Davi Davi. Robby Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi. Robby Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi. Robby Davi Davi Davi. Robby Davi Davi Davi. Robby Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi.

Robby Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi. Robby Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi. Robby Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi Davi whole section. I'm assuming you can put text in this website that you're I hope because you're the thing. I don't know anything about coding. I do have I do have a split coding of Greece from my sewer baths. Yeah, but I don't know about anything about computer coding, but you think Squarespace could even help me a guy who does Squarespace. Squarespace helped me a guy who doesn't know anything about websites. I'm pretty sure, Dan, you want to check the notes. Squarespace helps you capture a story with a captivating website, says the notes. So what website should I go to? You should go to squarespace.com slash flop.

How do you spell flop? F-L-O-P. How do you spell square? S-Q-A-Wait, S. You haven't written in front of you, dude. S-Q-U-A-R-E. Here's the bit I was gonna do. I was gonna ask you to spell square and then space and after you aced those, I was gonna

ask you to spell a really complicated word, but I'm just gonna skip that bit to do stumbled over the word square. I'm distracted by the next bit, which is in my hand. Are we gonna prepare? it, which is in my hand. We got to prepare. To the wind on my sales and then I'm a damn well square space. I'll think square space build it square space. Yeah, no, there's a we've received a lot of gifts from listeners. And I wanted to thank people. The flop house mailbag is bursting as a seam.

Yeah, the physical mailbag is bursting in a way that it hasn't ever. First, I want to read this letter from Nathan, last name withheld, dear flop east, hey guys, I'm a huge fan of the flop house. And I just wanted to give you guys this gift. I worked out a used record stop at shop in Detroit and amazingly ran across this 45 RPM single of Robbie Buchanan Forming the chosen one from the soundtrack of the golden child. Whoa

Now he says that LH to have this because he specifically mentioned liking the music, but anyone who has a turntable could take it. The last I do not have one. Yeah, I think I'm the only one with a record later, right? Yeah, that checks out. I'll allow it. There's nothing in the rule book that says you can't own a record player in any event consider it a token of my appreciation for what you guys do It's kept me laughing since the classic ui loves episode So I appreciate there was a movie worth flopping. Yeah, so this is a a single

Probably you can and the chosen one are you gonna put it on the golden child soundtrack? No, I don't think I'm gonna put it on air although This does remind me that John John Began John Began I probably I assume John Began did a version of elites of That's how it works on That will be put on this episode. Please do, because that was a masterpiece when he put together there.

I feel like he really made, he both made me sound better than I actually do and by putting music behind it, showed me how totally off-key I am all the time. So stay tuned after the episode to listen to the single version of That's How it works. That's not the album cut. I sure I deleted it. The song of the winner.

The album version has a lot more production elements on it. It's on the win. It's sure it's my parade. It's on the winner, definitely. But thank you to Nathan for the chosen one from the soundtrack to the Golden Child. But moving on, it's great. one from the soundtrack to the Golden Child. But moving on, it's great. Also, the physical mailbox this week, what? I'm just, look, I'm doing my best not to make fun of your mispronunciations. And Michelle last name with help sent out these zines that she made. Whoa, we love zines.

Peach's beat. The magazine for Purpose Oyster Previzettes. It's a tiger beat for fans of the flop house. Oh, wow. With a lot of great photos of us. Just for ourselves. Just for teens like. Quotes quotes quizzes.

Here's at least one picture that compares your beard to a Rikers beard day. It is a very Rikers beard. So thank you, Michelle, for that. Thank you very much. Oh, this is lovely. You guys vamp first, second, while I go vamping it up. Yeah, I want to suck your blood.

But I barely know you. Let's talk. Oh, yeah, let's laugh. Batman. You know, I live in Gotham. I'm a billionaire, I suppose. Fascinating. Fascinating.

I'm a vampire. Sure. How's your relationship with your parents? Not great. Do you mean my real parents or my vampire father who turned me into a creature of the night? My relationship to both is not good. So yeah, I mean biological. I don't quite understand. They're both biology related. And you what what do you do in your spare time? It's a hobby. It's kind of like parkour Interesting, but it's gadget-based. I do a lot of jumping off of buildings and landing in a three-point style with my legs and one arm down on the ground Do you up? It's weird. I just instantly remember making my ad and M4W ad and yet you responded

You're getting closer to my burger. It's fun I just think I remember making my ad and M4W ad and yet you responded. You're getting closer to my murder. I'm a murderer. You know, my film Fitzgerald, I'm a vampire by the way, but I'm so, there's something I should tell you about myself. I'm not actually a vampire. You really don't need a vampire anymore. We're moving on.

Okay. Back to the Flop House house worse. So from, it's hard to read his signature, but I'm going to say from DeGarry. That's what I'm going to go with. We have, I get a Flop House handwriting expert in here. Which is damn unfortunately. Oh, no.

He donated a little to the flop house. And also he sent us DVDs of the stuff. Oh, that's a fun movie. Jim Cotta. That's a great, amazing movie. And some Ziggy Valentine's. Oh, Ziggy doesn't know love. He's lonely. So we'll split, we'll have to crack that box open and find out the content. We'll argue over who gets what after the show. Yeah, cuz we're gonna be fighting over those Ziggy Valentine's Lastly because I because I have to go back to second grade tomorrow Just kidding thanks for sending them they're great All right, and what are you breaking that was some radio effects or drunken. Dan is literally sitting next to a pile of things.

Yeah. Yeah, sorry. Lastly, great thanks to Ashley Shannon, who sent in a bunch of... Oh, I'm not going to withhold that last name, huh? Yeah, sorry. She sent in a bunch of... So she's just in the protection program, but that's OK. A bunch of late cage miss gifts,

and she said, it would be great if you could open them on air. And I said, hey, why not? So I have no idea what these things are. It's really offensive. It's possible, but we can't edit this out. No, it's, we're going out. We're going out.

It's right out. This is like undatable. These are giant packages, honestly. These are large packages. I had to take a cam over work. Stop bragging about your package. Why am I supposed to remember their large packages? So I'm gonna.

Wow, that is a lot of stuff. Distribute these out here and we get. Are they two anyone in particular? I guess we'll open them. There's no indication of who gets what. So we can just open these. OK, you're listening to the sound of us opening things. Is it a late cage mosquito?

Riveting audio. So cage mosquito is the annual holiday every December where we watch necklace cage movies. Yeah, it comes right after Sadler Vember. When we watch the Sandler Vember. No, Sadler, we watch Williams Sadler movies. Oh, that would be great This was just steward it says okay

To Dan should I just keep it? I think so yeah And this one also has to dance okay, so I guess nothing for me that's fine No, no, I'm my life is full of blessings. I need for nothing. This one over here. I assume is then for you. Oh, okay. Thanks. The largest one. Yeah. For the smallest guy. All right. So we can all of them. We're going to keep the keep opening.

Stay with us. Stay with us. Dan, you can only take the plastic wrap off. Present speed go. But the only way this could be, there could be more layers is if you had put these in the trunk of a car. Opening the car. Maybe the car had been wrapped in a, like grease-saran wrap.

Yeah, it's just an else. Mine is totally unwrapped, so I'll describe it. I am looking at a lovely... Totally unwrapped sounds like the name of a reality show about a wrapping paper company. That is run by HEPOP artists. You know. So I'm...

I'm Bravo. So this is a lovely... It looks like a print of a map of Tolkien's middle earth that has been lovingly framed and some nice greens and golds. That's perfect for the Elven theme in my living room. Yeah, you do call your living room a living bell. Yep, where we only speak, we only speak cleanians and darren, depending on the time of year. Whoa, this is, and this is also framed over here. It's huge, and this is, it looks like one of the, it's one of the posters for the taking of Palem 1, 2, 3. My favorite movie of all time, the original version.

Not the remake. Not the remake. Okay. And also in a lovely frame. And I got the smaller frame, which is a, this looks to have been taken from I think a maybe an Instagram I did or something I think it may be an Instagram I did or something where I turned a Plastic knife into a shark All right, and I'm showing it to Elliot right now. Oh, that's adorable You really don't have a lot to do at work, huh? Well and But sort of the larger gift here is a I hope it's a frame picture of me and L.A.

No, it's a frame. It's a frame cover of the flash Gordon. Oh, that's great. Oh, that's great. Oh, that's nice. Is it the doc Shanner cover or is it the definitely the doc Shanner cover? The superior cover. I know.

Whoa. I don't want to. Whoa, burn some bridges. Why don't you just light Jeff bridges on fire like almost happens in seven sun. Look, I'm not saying that like I'm not saying something against the artist who did the other cover. I'm just the other cover was a little too cute. See for me as well.

No, because this is the light. Sure. Thank you very much. Yeah, thank you very much. We don't deserve any of this stuff. Oh, it's wonderful. Why the We're not going to open it on air and also like to thank Lewis Michael Lewis Michael Powell who sent along a grab bag of stuff

collection of DVDs, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, collectible card games, a baseball mitt that I'm assuming is for David last name, what the hell, Elliot's brother, etc. Yeah, I want to get back to the majors. Yeah. So thank you very much for that, Lewis. I'm sure you'll see pictures of all this stuff on the internet soon. That's a lot of gift stuff.

This was a lot of stuff. Thank you very much. Thank you everybody. Just so you know, we don't do it for the gifts. We do it for the laughs, but cha-ching. Don't tell that to the Squarespace. And then Squarespace, we do it to the Squarespace. Surprisingly enough though, that was.

Do you have more things we can unwrap on air? No, surprisingly enough that was not our official letter section what I didn't say a song this is our official letter section and also what that taught me is that if you have special instructions for your thing just tell Dan to do it that way because he'll do it you're like now for gift, I want you to read this letter backwards. When you open this, take off all your clothes at your workplace of work. All right, I have to do it, I guess. Law of letters.

Letter law has spoken. I want to say, so this is the first letter. And it's a bit of a serious letter. I mean, it's actually quite a serious letter. So I'm just warning people now, but it goes like this. Dear flappers, unfortunately, I write in dire circumstances. My older adopted brother recently decided to end his life. He was a 28-year-old history secondary high school teacher.

And my last experience with him was listening to United Passions together and him moaning about his beloved liver pool. As he made me a fan of the show and toward the end it was one of the few things that made me happy. He was always too scared to write in himself but I hope that the flop-ass listeners give their love to Thomps' late family, the Bradleys, and use this as another reason to speak about mental health. So obviously that is very, very sad news about Thomas, and we appreciate that we were at least

some solace to this man as he was clearly going through a lot of pain in his life. We are comedy shows, so it's difficult to say anything about this in a larger sense, but I don't know. I know that I've gone through a lot of issues with depression. I know that I think both of you have had your problems in the past. I urge anyone who's having trouble to seek help rather than to give into despair. And that's about all I can say about it. than to give it a despair. And that's about all I can say about it.

Yeah, I mean, I would definitely say that having been doing the show for the number of years, I've interacted, like it's allowed me to interact with a lot of people and it's kind of shown me that there's a lot of great people out there and a lot of people that you can connect with, whether it's through the internet or whatever, whether it's through just listening to other,

like listening to podcasts and finding some kind of human connection, and that's at least helped me. You can never know what's going on inside of another person's head. And so I'm always wary to pretend that I've reached places that other people might have reached or not. It's hard for me to know how my experiences would compare to somebody else's.

But I was writing something recently that was on a similar theme to this about Kind of seeing where my life could have gone or might have gone if the wrong things that happened and how the only Solution to that for me was other people was just like Opening myself to other people. And that's a tough thing for everyone to do. And it wasn't an easy thing for me to do. And so I don't want to be like,

this is all you have to do, just this thing. But the other thing is for people here, if there's someone who you know is having a hard time, then out to them. I there's I don't I don't want to make this Further satir, but there's one person that I won't get into in particular who there's a time in their life when I wish I had Acted on my urge to reach out to them and didn't and it's something that's that I've regretted For a long time since then so it goes both ways. It's a two-race street. I you know that I've regretted for a long time since then. So it goes both ways. It's a two race street. I you know I've had a difficult time this year and I've when I felt darkest you know it's been good to reach out to other people and I just urge other people to do the same. And Archie does too. He had to chime

in too. Archie the scene stealer. But let's put that aside and move back to the regular nonsense, I think. With this next letter from Stephen James, Arnit Esquire, who writes, letter withheld. So... I see what you did there. Oh, classic bitfire him. And... Make a fool of us, huh, Stephen?

That was all prepared to make jokes and interrupt people. I thought Dan was gonna stumble and bumble over the words. And I could make fun of him, but no, they were none. Well, there will be a lot of words to stumble over in this next letter. What about bumble over which you come and you'll feel very humble over it from Martin last name with held. Oh, the TV show Martin. His last name's Lawrence who writes his wife, Tisha

Camp. He's a bad boy, a bad boy too, if you will. He writes as well. Nothing but trouble. From the page, nothing to lose. Nothing but troubles a different movie. From the pages of a failed novel about the Flophouse Whaler company operating out of Nantucket during a few unsuccessful months in the summer of 1839, or as it was known at the time, WhaleView USA, you'll have a whale of a time. A board the ship, the wives buttocks, first mate, Elliot, Wachalian, was standing amid ships, scanning the horizon. We've not seen a whale since six bells, and the crew is growing weary. His squeaky, no-at-all voice carried far scanning the horizon. We've not seen a whale since six bells and the crew is growing weary His squeaky know it all voice carried far over the waves. That's Very important information. I mean, that's it's something you would want to know and he was right

Even though the six bells was just like a few hours ago The crew was indeed growing weary but more so with the gravity of their mission than a lack of large seed-weiling mammals But there were not just in search of whale oil to power lamps and San Francisco's red light district. They're out in search of the whale that hurt the knee of their unexciting captain. It was not broken off or anything, but it was still a jarring memory for the poor man. And who asked him if he was getting better? Nobody. Captain Dan Daniels McCoy was distraught, and it had now taken the form of minor sad annoyance. Ugh, he said.

At this point, I don't really care. I already lost my needle in one of these animals. Where were we even going on? You didn't really lose it, right? Said Elliott. I mean, it's right there as he pointed to the functioning albeit once damaged knee. Shut up nerds. A whale has been attracted by Elliott's high-pitched voice.

Came a voice from the crow's nest. It was Stuart Wellington. Known as Stuart, there she blows. Mm-hmm. There he yelled down, giggling at the end, wait, no. It was, are you okay? It was Stuart Wellington, known as Stuart. Oh, okay.

There she blows. And then you saw a period, meaning end of sentence, take a breath., you thought it was what like a bug or something positive Stewart there she blows well No, no, I thought yeah, but usually there's punctuation that helps you to avoid problems like that He yelled out. I see a crumb from an Oreo. Oh no, it's a period. Yeah, there she blows He yelled out I don't know why there'd be just a live in an even Oreo in 20 days. Certainly circular black dot here.

But I assume it's a mistake and I'll continue on with the thought. There's your blozy. Y'all down giggling at the end you end up Dan would have lit up had he been able to feel anything at that point. Huh, he said with the shrug. Well, I guess we've come this far, launched the boats guys.

The long boats were hoisted down into the water, and a rag tag crew of interesting, but blurry characters set out. The majestic giant didn't have any of it though, and slammed on, threshed at the boats, and croting upon it, sensing its own mortality. Fuck off, said Stewart, after taking a sip of his beer,

as relaxed position at the stern of the fastest boat. His oars were men being the fiercest when they saw it was a sperm whale that had another fifth of giggles and someone yelled, , loamy for no reason. The whale started to sing,

making most of the rowers in the boats. I think they were in a yoga studio or something and they started to relax. Like off, that's Stuart again and took one of their ores and rowing at double speed without even spilling a single drop of his bruski. Dan tried to throw his harpoon, but missed doing it. Take your time. I know you're excited about the action. Those aren't over you, girl. So that's telling you, hey, give your tongue a break. Every time, think about it this way, every time you see like a little dot of ink after a bunch of words,

that is the writer telling you, time for your tongue cigarette break. Take a couple seconds. Damn, try to, the end try to throw is our pun. But missed due to being too boring. And his completely healed me, injury, still hurting him. Elliot tried, but his constitution was not enough to pierce the layers of fat which guard

the skin of any sea mammal. That whale, or indeed this entire ocean, must be made up of some kind of non-uclidean geometry, said Elliot. Finally Stuart lugged his flask of whalers grog into the whales blowhole, effectively blocking it and inebriating the whale the same time. We did it, he shouted happily, Ra-Ra called the call of their sea cat, a type of cat-like fish.

It was known as the floppos catfish. I love that there is a thing called a catfish. What is introduced to sea cat? At that point, their pointless caption was too distracted to care about anything anymore, though. It took a nap instead of revenge. The rest of their crew was too busy getting drunk and saying words that sounded like other words. The drunk whale fish drifted off into the sunset. And the drunker whalers drifted back into the legends that came from. And that's how the first whale got drunk and last we're had by all.

And now you know the rest of the story says Martin last name with hell. Now I don't understand why Roger Kippling cut that from the just so stories. Yeah, it seems like it fits perfectly. Lovely adventure we had. That was you everyone got everyone took their licks on that one. Mm-hmm. You know what? None of us came out on Skate.

But I think the one who was the most skated was Dan. So Dan. Yeah, did you not, uh, did you not, uh, did you not read both the reading the story and I took Skating from you guys? Yeah, that's right. Yeah, you're not screened that letter. That's right. Oh, okay.

I just, yeah. You're like, this is a long one. This'll eat up a bunch of minutes. It's that guy want to make a wish contest. And the wish was to write a letter into the flop house. I mean, just to write a letter is a wish that he doesn't need an organization to help him with. He's not that bright. Wow.

Well, thanks everybody for writing in. Uh, that's for the gifts. Thanks for the gifts. Um, this is, uh, that was a, that was a rollercoaster ride of a gift and letter segment. No promotions, yeah. Yeah. But now, what's the next part, Dan? It's time for our final segment. When does this purgatory end, Dan? Yep, of the episode. And that is where we recommend to these that we actually liked. Well, I dream when this is over, Elliot. Uh, only of Jeff Bridges.

Oh, lovely. But he's gonna be kissing you. Oh, okay. So I don't want to burn those bridges. No, don't burn them. Bo Bridges. Bo Bridges is there too, but he just likes to watch. Mm-hmm.

His own movies, starting with the landlord. Uh, so what do we do, Natan? I told you already. We recommend movies that we like. But I like Seven Sun movies that we like. That I like? Seven Sun movies that we like. So after you've already watched Seven Sun and you want to watch something else, I'm going to recommend you fire up your movie player.

And you check out a hot new little action joint. Hello, piece. Titled Close Range. Now, Close Range is a micro budget, little action movie directed by Isaac Florentine, starring one Scott Adkins, not Scott AdSit. Like, it was about to say. You got me.

No, I'm talking about the star of Ninja to Shadow of a Teaser. We worked together so much. It's like we finished each others. Hamburgers. Did you finish my hamburger? Dude, what do you leave it out? You told me a Gremlins Tucket. Gremlins? Yeah. It took me a Gremlins the film Tucket. Yep. A some Gypsy cursed a Gremlins DVD box to spring to life and steal hamburgers. They prefer not to be called gypsy. Okay, I'm sorry. That movie steal hamburgers.

So, you know, we're all steal hamburgers. Everybody wants a hamburger scene from, I don't know. Is that what I'm here? Is that what a robot would eat? A steal hamburger? Yeah, that's right. So, close range star scott atkins and that's it

uh... scott at that and it is basically a western that has been adapted the modern day with the uh... with a drug cartel that is kidnapped a girl that girl gets saved by a drifter who turns out to be that girls uncle uh uncle and then they come after her and the uncle because he has a flash drive on the keys that he used to release her from her bonds.

Now, Scott Agkins, basically this is a super cheapo low-budget movie, but all the money is on the action scenes, the action choreography is super great They go way out of their way to introduce these cartel bad guys including giving about a dozen guys Like a title card. So you're like, oh wow that guy's name's Lobo that guy's named Javier like all these cool dudes And in my head I'm like, I don't know why they're taking all this time. Scott Aghins is just going to destroy them all and he totally does. He annihilates all of them. The the two best scenes I'm briefly going to touch on. One is the moment when Scott Aghins Drifter gets cornered by a corrupt cop and then they

in turn both get cornered by some cartel guys and the cops are like, are those some friends of yours? And Scott Ankins with no comedic timing says, oh, you got no fucking friends, which is great. And then at the end of the movie, he does while fighting a guy kill a guy by stabbing him in the taint. So go watch it close range. I mean, you got to watch it before it wins all the Oscars. Exactly. I want to recommend a movie called Diary of a Teenage Girl, which was based on...

It's a Tyler Perry movie, right? That's right. It's based on some cartoons by some semi-autobiographical cartoons by Phoebe Gluckner. And it's a little, it's a little difficult. A little bit country. It's a little, it's a little rough. I mean, it's about a relationship largely. I asked my dog, saw it and I asked him how it was. And he said rough.

I mean, that joke courtesy of first grade. And large part. And Wolf can talk quite a bit. No, the role said it was rough. It was very rough. It was difficult to sit there at times, but worth it. I mean, I'll maybe play the piano. A big part of the movie is about the relationship

between this underage girl and her mother's boyfriend. And it's a tough movie because it you know it does not shy away from the fact that this man is a predator in a lot of ways who's like an alien who hunts down their skies. This is not the point by guess their species name is pronounced yautia. He's that he is that he is praying on her. This is an inappropriate relationship and it's wrong for me. Yes, but it also does not shy away from the degree to which she as someone who is desperate for affection, perhaps wrong, like welcomes this attention from a predator. But it's an interesting movie about this young girl's like budding sexuality and like the places it leads her. And it is ultimately sort of inspiring like what she learns from everything that happens and the fact

that she's able to translate it through her artwork and it's got great performances from all of the primary cast members. And it's just, I got a lot of screeners from the writer's guild. And this was, I think, the one that I liked the most of all of the, quote, unquote, awards movies. More than Furious 7. Yeah. We also were sent to screen before.

Yeah. That in Jurassic World, the most baffling screener. I'm really glad that you managed to slip a little bit of humble brag in there, man. No, I did. It was not a humble brag. It was just a little bit. You know, as someone who helps decide the very prestigious writers' good work.

Honestly, like, the reason I've slipped that in was like, I got a lot of movies that I thought I was gonna like a lot more than I did. And this year, I was- Like, 37. I was not impressed by a lot of the movies that were supposed to impress me. Yeah, it was a disappointing year. But diary of a teenage girl, I liked a lot. So that's my recommendation.

So Dan says read a teenage girl's diary. Just break into a room and I'm going to recommend a movie that I still haven't seen that movie Selma that people liked, but I watched a different movie. I mean a lot of people liked it. I watched a fish called Selma, the Simpsons episode. But I watched. It's pretty funny. A different movie by the same.

I mean, I mean, I mean, I feel Hartman episode. By the same director, Ava Diverne, her earlier film, Middle of NoWare, which is about a woman who is a med student, but her education and kind of her life have fallen apart because her husband is in jail. And this has kind of taken over her life, the process of trying to see him in jail, trying to get him out of jail, and the fact that he is not particularly cooperative in these things, and that his being there brings the worst out of him,

and she begins a possible relationship with a bus driver played by David O'Yellow. And he's really good in it. And it was just like, but at the same time she's dealing with issues with her mother, and there's a feeling of people trying not to make the mistakes they've seen others make or have made themselves or seeing others have seen others make in front of them But being unable to figure out how to avoid making those mistakes and I just found it to be a really good touching movie It's called middle of nowhere

Three very similar recommendations. I mean, and all of them somebody is killed by being stabbed in the tank. Yeah, the great thing, I don't know why I liked it so much. I know why you liked it so much. Let me, okay. Now, I've composed myself. So after the guy gets stabbed in the tank

and his lifeless body falls to the ground, at some point, to be interred in the ground. As does does, you know, we are but ashes. But when he falls down to the ground, you can actually see that his gene, like they made the trouble like tearing his genes open in the crotch. I'm like, that's some good costuming work. Unless their movie would just put a red stain on his jeans, but they're like, nope, we want to, we want to rip the jeans.

You know what? I know this is a love budget film, but we can afford the $10 for another pair of pants. Those are Costco jeans, Elliot. They're like $15. Oh, sorry. Yeah. $50. No craft services today, everybody. Give me back your bagels. I said $15. Yeah. Oh, what did, I thought you said $50 no craft services today everybody give me back your bagels. I said $15. Yeah. Oh, what did I thought you said $50? No, $15 like those aren't Levi's jeans. Elliot those aren't bootcut Levi's jeans 504. These are not diesel jeans. Sure. Whoa. They still make diesel jeans. They still advertise them. Okay. Then diesel jeans. Sure. If you're going to be witch hunting street racing.

Hitch darken triple X and being sad about all our her and street street street. Why would you go there? Everybody is there. Well, we're talking about his many roles. And you got to bring in a street. Sharks, street, shark and like in that video. Yeah. Shark street and dragon dungeon and Which hunt?

The first thing he said is the first one. I think it brings us all the way back around. It's like an herbose Like I wasn't paying attention because it was nonsense Yeah, a good point. That's a radio point Basically the podcast. I just wanted to say This has been a More episode of the podcast emotional roller coaster of an episode An episode where we all liked the movie for once which man we didn't have much to say about it Which is so we dedicated our time to unwrapping gifts. Yeah, I hope you enjoyed this gift for receiving

Unboxing here on the box house. You can only yeah, just picture in your head Elliott tearing into that paper with childlike glee Well a cat continues to try to jump on me and I batted away with my fists and Well, your only defense is throwing that paper on the ground so the cat can make a weird nest out of it Which is dead. Yeah, and that was adorable. Raised its babies. Yeah. So what do we do now in the body?

Now we decide. So now we tell what do we, we answer letters? No, we did better. Before we sign off real quick, I just like to promote a little thing. Cone love. Okay, it's a fifth element. It's a crazy little thing.

I'm addicted to it. Do you can't buy me that that you might as well face it Do not buy it There's a book of it, but nobody knows who wrote it. Mm-hmm. You can eat you can pray and you can do this thing The Is like Jeffrey question. I love go 9th motion Potions one through eight do not drink them. They will turn you into a total hide What do you want to promote oh, I just want to promote in addition to doing this lovely podcast

I also do another addition lovely podcast. That's what this is all about. I haven't done this before So I've been doing a little podcast called Till Def Doos Party. I'm not going to explain how to spell that. No, it's spelled in the stupidest way. You never know how to spell it because it's so hard. I like stared at the fucking title for so long before I understood the pun behind it. Yeah, it's a deaf leopard podcast.

So till death do us part D so it's spelled T-I-L-L space D-E-F space D-O space U-S Not the not the United States, but just the US. Yeah, just the word us space P-P-A-R-D-Y Yeah, so deaf do us part. The dumbest way you could possibly spell any. If you Google, if you put into iTunes podcast search,

T-I-L-L-Space-D-F, it's the first thing that pops up. Go for your fingers. So it's an educational podcast about the band deaf leopard. We, uh, Alex and my Mara, the edge kid. Yeah. It's for the kids. about the band Def Leopard. We, uh, Alex, my mario, the, uh, yeah, it's for the kids. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, Check it out. All right, that ends the housework section on this podcast. And I'd like to promote Hope housework back on just you know

Love yeah, be delighted somebody. Oh sure just feel love Express love within reason and within boundaries. Love her's possibly. Okay All right. Well, thank you for that Now we can do our favorite part of the podcast which is Simon. Scentletters. Sure. Summary of movie.

Now tonight we watch Seven Sun. This is the story of Seven Sun. Or the flop-out. You're the one who got her this time. Yes. I have been Dan McCoy. I've been steward Wellington. At this point I even know if I'm really a kid

or not anymore. Goodnight everyone. . Podcast Domatic. Just pop the podcast in the podcast dramatic. Sitting on new chairs tonight. Oh, yes. I like jumps.

I feel like I have to slouch one of the knobs. I'm holding chairs like assholes. These chairs don't fold. Yeah, Lin-Man will Miranda. I don't know if I like this escalating battle of Rua's control of Lin-Man will Miranda in the game. I mean, it's clearly that. Yeah, that's not a speedy intro.

I like about it. That's the way it works. That's the way it works. Dan says. That's the way it works. That's the way it works, Dan says. That's the way it works. You wrote him, we read him, you wrote him, we read him, that's the way it works. How does it work?

Glad that you asked. As Dan said, I'll refer you to his comments. That's how it works. So... That you write him. And then we read him. That's how it works. So, uh-huh. That's right over there. And then we read it over there. That's how it works.

That's how it works. That's how it works. That's how it works. And then we read it over there. That's how it works. That's how it works. That's how it works. That's how it works.

That's how it works. That's how it works. That's how it works. That's how it works. That's how it works. It works. It works. It works. It's a letter. It's a tape before a live studio audience of OneCat. So speaking of birthdays.

Speaking of birthdays. They must have been about you're born and that's the day that you celebrate. That's how it works. That's how it works. Anything you need to know about how something works. Ask me and I'll sing it to you Unless it's really complicated, made out of words that don't rhyme so well In which case, don't know if I can help you so well

But I'll try, if I die, that's how it works Um, so, um, it's from no- Now the breakdown part, we're spoken word That's how it works, you're going to work it now. Say how it works with the last letter. That's how works, you're going to work it now. Say how it works with the last letter. Maximumfund.org Comedy and culture, artist owned.

Listener supported. Podcast. Podcast. Podcast. Podcast. They're audio programs that tell smart stories. In innovative ways using editing techniques like this. Like this. Like this?

Yeah. But let's face it. All that smart stuff can be exhausting. That's where stop podcasting yourself comes in. It's so stupid. It's just two stupid dingus's. Being dumb idiot jerks for 90 minutes. Stop podcasting yourself. The stupid show that smart people love. Find it on iTunes.

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