The Flop House - Ep. #223 - The Last Witch Hunter

Episode Date: February 4, 2017

We discuss The Last Witch Hunter. All other witch hunters presumably having been herded into the sea by the Red Bull. Meanwhile Meanwhile Elliott explains man-witches, Dan looks to an extreme James Bond to save a wounded nation, and Stuart is obsessed with billiards. Wikipedia synopsis for The Last Witch Hunter Movies recommended in this episode: Help Session 9 I Married a Witch

On this episode we discuss the last witch hunter. L.A. do I have to have seen the previous five witch hunters before this one to understand it? I don't think even see animal health. Hey, everyone, and welcome to the flop house. I'm Dan McCoy. Hey, Dan McCoy. It's me, Stuart Wellington. That was pretty cool. That Stuart Wellington just had that voice like that. You can. And I'm Elliott Kaelin.

You're confusing new listeners. Stuart, you're writing checks that your butt can't cash. So I'm coming here. I'm coming here. Hold on a second. Hold on a second. Dan, are you saying that one, all the parts of Stuart Persvade have different bank counts

or two, just his butt? What is one? I mean, the telepathy. The Teller should refuse my butt, a champion cat. Hold, I see it's my decent driver's license with a butt instead of a face. When your butt opened up, it's... When his butt opened up,

when your butt... Did flies come out like in this movie? Yeah, a bunch of guava wolves came through because it's a opened up. Your butt. Did flies come out like in this movie? Yeah, a bunch of guava wolves came through because it's a star game. And it opened a, you know, account with the bank. It had a utility with its name on it. A utility bill.

A gas bill. A utility bill. A gas bill. I don't know. I get it. I get it. So anyway, dance fired. It's just me and Stewart now.

So guys, I was trying you guys I'm like fucking case. Okay, I'm gonna do it. You guys put me on blast again this time because I was I opened up with my Fucking dead-on Vin Diesel impression. That was your Vin Diesel. Oh, you sounded like snakepliskin trying to do an impression of like a drive-time radio Vin Diesel the last Which honor? Oh, Vin Diesel's more hey, I'm Vin Diesel. It's me Vin Diesel Vin Diesel's like You know the good. I think you guys are doing it

You're Dave must ain't you're you're staying all over the place. Indiesel sounds like this. Hello, me, it's me, Vindiesel again. No, Vindiesel is more like this. Bag of rocks jingling around. Bag of rocks, bag of rocks. That's what's in the script. You know, it just says witch hunter

and then just shake a bag of pebbles. Yeah, he's like, I got a problem with this dialogue. It just doesn't bag a rock so we're going over again. Under a casting notes, it says. This is really a black list script. It says bag a rock so. Under casting notes, it says less articulate rock-biter. Okay.

The director was like, Vin, Vin, Vin. I'm understanding too many words. I need you to talk quieter and grablier. Hey, speaking of Vindies, how have you guys been celebrating the return of the Xander cage? Oh, yeah. I mean, the way we all do.

I've put up my what triple X-reeth. Yeah. And I've been keeping a candle in my window. I've been vaping for days. Yeah. Of course, we all had, you know, we all had the day off work. Yeah, I'm present a cage day. National holiday.

Well, you know, my mother always told me one day as an occasioned return, there is a prophecy. Did you tell you as part of a triple X state of the union? So the triple X series, that's not what we watched, but what was that all about? Well, you know, it's not your daddy's James Bond. I mean, my daddy's James Bond was, I guess, like Roger Moore, which is fine. I mean, that was my James Bond. My James Bond too.

How old are you guys? We're approaching. We're doing it. Because my James Bond was. How old are you guys? We're approaching. We're here this morning. Because my James Bond was Pierce Brosnan. Yeah. Because I rejected Timothy Dalton like a donor kidney with a different blood type.

I just rejected him. Okay, okay, wait. Yep. Because I think the first, the first new James Bond movie I remember seeing was License to Kill. And as a kid kid I remember being like not entertained by this. Somebody should have put that movie out of its misery. Wait. For channel 11 I'm Stuart Wellington. So Dan, what are we doing this podcast? We just slam Vin Diesel talk about butts and then old James Bond memories. It's pretty much it. Okay.

So you welcome to Vin Diesel slam butt memories featuring James Bond. I feel bad, man, for the many. Slamming James Diesel's butt. James. Yep. James Diesel's my father.

You can call me Vin. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha I feel it changed from do's all and on a cello silent to diesel. Yeah. Well, the old one. I really, I really believe in do's all. Well, then do's all ran on gasoline, but then diesel runs on what hydrocarbons? It's on diesel. I guess gasoline is hydrocarbons, too. So I feel a little bad because there's,

I feel bad main front of Indies. Well, not because there's a chance, you know, he and I kind of run in the same like cool. Yeah, we run the cool same cool role playing game circles. There's a chance that he might accidentally listen to this podcast and be really sad. And I wouldn't want to accidentally listen to this podcast. Yeah, he might think it's like a cool gamer podcast. We're wide. What would you know, no, man? Oh, blood bull

MVP's to a Wellington as a podcast. I think it's all about gaming. The trivia for this movie elaborates extensively on Vin Diesel's D&D background and mentions that on the set of, well, the Chronicles of Riddick, he taught Judy D'Ange on a play D&D, and she should have won an Oscar for pretending to be interested and then having to play like an AR Elemental or something and that, I don't remember what happened. So was this movie based on D&D thing, though, Stewart? No, well, maybe.

I don't know, this was a blacklist script, so, but it was rewritten multiple times. It was a bad blacklist, though. It was the one that actually blacklist scripted. It was the Communist blacklist, yeah. I thought this was written by Dalton Trumbo. This was a script for the TV show The Blacklist. Yeah. I thought this was written by Dalton Trumbo. This was a script for the TV show The Blacklist. With James Spader, TV's Ultron. If you're watching Avengers 2 on TV. Well, that will be Trumbo, where, uh, Trumbo's years really big. I knew it was going to be

a Dumbot joke. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I don't remember that part of the anchor. I knew how creatively bankrupt you are. The angry, glint in your eyes. When I heard the most obvious Trumb-O joke. You loved Dumb-O. I do love Dumb-O. That's why I also made the Trumb-O Dumb-O connection and was looking for a new idea from you. You couldn't even have done, you could have at least made a Trumboan joke. That's a much worse joke. Really? Because it doesn't rhyme when I was in high school. When I was in middle school, it was like, it's like, it's all day. Is your whole work day, you trying to explain to Trevor Noah that his jokes don't work

because they're not rhyming? That's right. I mean, especially because he pronounces everything in a South African accent. So things that should rhyme don't. Oh, I see. And like this, you got to do American comedy now. You got to rhyme your words. It's all about rhymes.

You got to speak good and rhyme your words. So we watched a movie called The Witch Last Witch. You set me, you set me up for the traditional, uh, explanation of podcast and I never, I think I undercut that though. So what are we doing this podcast? We watch a bad movie and then we talk about it. And what do we watch this time? We watched The Last Witch Hunter. Now, here's the thing about The Last Witch Hunter. It's also, it's been taken up some space on Dan's DVR lately. Every time we, we're going to watch something, Dan goes,

no, we can watch the last witch hunter or we can watch this other movie. Yeah, we always take the other movie. Rightfully so last witch hunter gets ready to step up. Not my time. It's okay. Sorry. And meanwhile, there's all these Dan is constantly deleting all the shows he wants to watch to make room for the last witch hunter

Because from his overflowing T-Vo Yeah, that's right. There's uh, I don't know what so long scandal So long like consequence so long property brothers Yeah, with Joan Severance and I know it's when he's talking about I know the Joan Severance the Black Scorpion. So long, Orange is the new Black, which I somehow TVed even though it's on Netflix. Yeah. So, but last witch hunter, it could have also been called The Witch Hunter, because there's only one witch hunter in it.

His name's Vincent Diesel, Vingemin Diesel, and he, the movie opens as old as I and says in media res, smash cut. It's the 13th century, maybe it's the 14th century. So as he's been doing this for 800 years, so I guess it's the 13th century. It's about the early 13th century and Vin Diesel in a very unpersuasive beard. Let's just call it that.

Let's call it a facial hair and top of head hair combination that Looks like Vin Diesel's face was used for one of those woolly willy toys. Yeah, and it was magnet filings to create beards and a Top shaved sides of the head, but with a longer top of the head hair I it looks like a little bit like when Gimli draws like a fantasy version of them. So that's that's what he would draw. And so he is part of a band of I guess witch hunters. So you know what he is the last of those witch hunters. A plague has hit the land. That land, not important to know. So when you're're up, I guess. Probably the Bumanic plague. It's some plague.

I mean, that's the like the top plague. That's the thing. Yeah, and that's your grade A plague. Yeah. Oh, you have to do, you can just say the plague and people know your talk about it. Yeah, like share. Yes, your plague is like share.

Wow. Put it on the book for this podcast, put it on the packaging for this podcast. You see, you see, even the plague did that. If I could turn back time video and then you're weighing like a thong under a body stock and I can't believe the Navy allowed her to use a ship for that. I don't know. I don't know.

You can really see all our boils and pustules. What? She's the plague. Damn. What is wrong? You all make sense. You shouldn't have to ask what is wrong. Everything I'm saying tracks.

So. So the witch, they're hunting down a witch. The bonic cause. Cause what caused this plague was a witch. And not just any witch, but the witch queen. Witch old witch. Elliot. The wicked witch.

Okay. Now this movie posits the question, are you good witch or a bad witch witch because there is a good witch in it It's a very bad witch in it. Her name is the witch queen and she is She says what she says a witch queen. Yeah, they managed to stop her through the application of iron and fire She's kind of like a Samara crossed with a Freddy Krueger. What a Samara cross the Freddy Krueger You might know her is Sadako from the ring. Oh, okay.

Thanks Stuart for decoding Dan's gibberish. Well, if it's not gibberish, I mean, other than mispronouncing it the first time, it was, you know, perfectly cromulent. Ellie, yeah, I mean, Ellie recognizes that character more from Ringu as opposed to the ring. Yeah, exactly. That was the problem that I had. I really recognize that character more from Ringoo as opposed to the rig. Yeah, exactly. That was the problem that I had. And this Witch Queen character also has a ponytail. I prefer also a spine.

I prefer Ringoo Old World Style to Braco. Yeah. As wait, so you're saying the Witch has what? There's a ponytail that's a spine. Yeah, and the Witch is a combination. Wow, already opening the second one. Oh, and he's a spine. Yeah, and the witch is a combination. Wow, already opening the second one. Oh, and he's overflowing. Thanks for the beer all over my table.

Great. The Dan McCoy story. Oh, now Stuart's drinking the beer off of the table. Archie, Archie. No, don't get my cat drink. Stuart cleans that up. That was a little bit of excitement for the listening audience. Yeah, that's the color. So the witch introduces a theme of the movie, which is

unconvincing special effects, CGI based. And while she's fighting Vin Diesel, because Vin Diesel is the only one of these witch hunters that is worth a damn fighting, witches and zombie monsters, he manages to stab her through the heart, but then she grabs his heart and says, I'm gonna curse you with immortality. You'll never know the piece of death as long as my heart is, oh no, we don't know that yet. Sorry, you'll never know the piece of death. Cut two.

And as we all play out. I'm back, I cleaned up the mess. Oh, good. Cut two modern day, and Dan, you were saying? No, I mean, just as we all kind of felt like of the curses you can curse someone with, immortality is not one of the top ones in terms of the curses you can curse someone with and mortality is not one of the top ones in terms of the harm that it does to someone.

I mean, eventually, obviously, it becomes a curse. Eventually, you would think of it where you down that over after centuries of seeing all your loved ones die. It's just seeing like the worst that humanity can offer, over and over and over. But Vin Diesel, when we catch up to him in the present, seems to be if anything better well adjusted than he was before. He's super chipper and he has a sports car. The tour around it, where it sports coats sports car sports magazines, a sports watch sports bra.

I assume he has the album sports by who he lives in the news to play it all the time. We are, we are interested. But that's why you can't, you can't be sad while it's playing. That's why it's so well. Of course, you know, it, favorite moment in, what is that? Fast and Furious 6? AdFAD the movie. When they know it's which, whichever one where they go to like, when they go to Dubai and they're like,

all of a sudden they all like show up in party clothes. And you get to see everybody show up in Texas and I'm like, Vin Diesel is not gonna be able to wear a bow tie. And of course he is not, because you can't fit that around. No, he's got a massive neck. He's an amazing shape.

We were interested in him on an airplane where he has to talk some sense into a young teenage witch who has a bunch of weather stones, magic crystals that control the weather and are causing turbulence. And once he solves that problem, he immediately goes and hits on a stewardess. Cut to where in New York, old man priest Michael Cain is waiting for his appointment with Vin Diesel. The stewardess leaves. Of course he banged her.

Come on, he's the last witch hunter. And he and Michael Cain is given us kind of a what's going on in the world. We're in a modern day where there's a temporary truce between magical creatures and non-magical people. And here's the witches crossing the ax or something like that. There's an organization called the Cross in the Axe, which is I guess affiliated with the Catholic Church, which has a deal with the witch council,

where witches will lay low and not eat people in exchange for the church not burning them all. It's your regular camera-ria type setup, or I don't know, hog wards and shit. But like what's the underworld thing? that where it's the is there's a Trace between war was vampires on the vampires or whatever they called like and just call them were will see Because they're possible not to like that That would be great if there's just fundamental misunderstanding of that script and And they add up a bunch of, like,

just like green things growing on logs. And like, I don't know why they're fighting vampires. I don't know why they're fighting vampires. We got a problem here. Mr. Case Back is now we got a problem here. Our special effects department really didn't understand the script. And we don't have the money to change.

All right. You have to see an event, pyres punching logs. I think the director's like, Kate, I know that the cat suit you're wearing was already carrying most of the movie, but we're going to need to do a little extra work today. So there's this, there's this packed, everything's going hunky-dory fine. Every now and then, Vin Diesel has to go, put slaps from knowledge on some witches. He lives in a rad bachelor pad full of weapons

and old-timey trinkets and artifacts. He's got a fucking pool table in his apartment, dude. He's live in the dream. And he spends his time repairing old pocket watches. I'm kind of surprised that he and Michael Cain don't dance on a giant floor keyboard. And so Michael Cain is his handler, his most recent handler, which are called Zoolocca watches. You know that character would be painting little fucking war hammer dudes.

That's probably he probably was like, coach is good at need a hobby. Maybe a paint war hammer figures. I'm like, what? Well, I do something with my hands. Okay, I'm gonna do a repair pocket watches, but it's okay when I perform it, I'm gonna pretend I'm painting more hammer figures. Sure, it's not gonna be these little projects.

Just don't do it. Just please don't do the effects of the sounds of them fighting while you paint. Yeah, yeah, of course you do that one. Okay, Vint, let's stop the take. Remember, those are watches. You shouldn't be describing the characters and then saying dialogue about them.

No, I was just thinking that. I was just thinking that. I mean, it's so hard for me not to enunciate better than Vin Diesel does this movie. It's so hard to hear them at different points. And their Vin Diesel performances, let me just say that I like in past movies. I have a hate Vin Diesel performances, let me just say that I like in past movies. Mm-hmm. I have a, uh,

I hate Vin Diesel. I didn't like it when he was hitting on that reporter. That was really creepy and weird. Yeah. But just looking at his work. Yeah, using his body of work to inform you on the qualities of the man Vin Diesel. Exactly.

Exactly. I mean, We were just telling us how much you love the character Dominic Torreto from the fast and the Maria's. Yeah, the from fast and furious. Yeah. So let's just do the plot of the mode. Oh, okay. It's super dumb. So Michael canas retiring as his handler. And he says, what if what would you do with your last? What's all about, uh, Vindasio? What do we fall, Master Wichhunter?

Uh, and he's, he's got some mission for him the next day. I don't know. He's gonna retire and Elijah Wood is gonna take over as Vindasio's handler. He's an up and coming and priest, but Michael Haynes' character is murdered by witches. And now Vin Diesel is gonna have to solve the mystery with the help of a side geek, Elijah Wood.

Except Elijah Wood kind of disappears from the movie for most of it. To go model a turtle necks, I guess. Yeah. He's always wearing turtle necks with blazers over them. And it looks like either. Either he's wearing like a fencing outfit or he's like on a sailing vessel.

He's either a sea captain for a cruise ship or he is in a new relationship that is very hicky heavy. Or he is a professional ball player in the 70s on a date. Just turtleneck with a blazer over it. Maybe he's Leonard Nimoy hosting a special about the paranormal. Yeah, maybe he's only a gulped now all the time. But Elijah would kind of disappear. So he explains, we met before when I was a kid,

which is burned my parents' house down and you saved me, which raises the question, what did your parents do? Which is one to burn your house down? We learned the answer later. Now there's something about Elijah Wood that's a little off. This is just naturally part of Elijah Wood's persona and his presence.

It really works in some movies. It doesn't work so much in movies like this. Like this. Where he plays this, a Theorial Drug addict named Frodo. Or even in the trust, the movie we watch with Nicholas Cage where he's playing a character who is also on drugs. But it's just kind of like a little off. Now, unfortunately, in a movie like this, it's one of those movies where the minute you

see him, you're like, oh, it's going to turn out he's a bad guy, right? And you don't learn that until six minutes before the movie's over, but you still know it. Yeah, I mean, if they had, if he had been in the movie more and had done, had more things to do in the movie, maybe we wouldn't have suspected him. Yes. Now, they find a witch who seems to be related, who seems to have caused the crime. And Vin Diesel thinks he's been working with other witches. But the witch council, which is entirely made up of, I think, G.E. Smith's band from Saturday Night Live.

They don't want to look at at investigating further and they condemn this lone man witch to Which I realize now is not the word for that. It's a warlock a man which is like what like hand me a sloppy Joe Now sloppy Joe's brother Sloppy Joe's brother, Neat Teddy Joe. Yeah, fuck off. It's kind of weird, why is he like,

it's like a Zooka Joe. It's not like there's a goofess and gallant thing in like Sloppy Joe and Clean Joe sandwich. Sloppy Joe gets all over your clothes. Clean Joe is easy to wipe off. They do the related because of their first name. Ha, ha, ha. His first name is Sloppy.

It's the last sandwich Joe. Oh, that makes more sense. It makes sense. It makes the Jo family of sandwiches. Speaking of sandwiches, which is, which is, and they punish this man which, I'm sorry, punish this for Warlock, by using a little metal scorpion

to activate a giant stick and skull monster which sucks him into hell, I guess, to just slamming them off. What does this effect start at? I was like, fuck, you don't need to do more special effects movie, but then the monster was kind of cool, so I was okay with that. I mean, the monster's cool looking. I mean, the only problem with it is it'll look super CGI, but I don't know how you do like a stick and skull monster

that wouldn't be CGI. You do it as a puppet. Yeah, exhibit A, the dark crystal. Remember those things that they send out to capture the... The darsum? Yeah, the garthum, thank you. That are essentially crab monsters. You're like giant cicadas.

And sure, once you realize that it's just two legs with a bunch of floppy things attached to the puppeteers' legs to make it look like there's a lot of legs, it's not that realistic anymore. But I bet they could pull that off nowadays. Mm-hmm. I mean, you're talking to a big puppet fan, man. I'm a puppet man. Puppet fan, man. I'm a puppet master.

Oh, that did not make that claim. I'm a master. Andres too long will take his revenge. Now, that also implies that you cannot operate puppets. Is that the case? I mean, I've got a hand, don't I? I can stick that thing up someone's butt. That's not, okay, that's a proctology.

That's proctology mastery, that's not puppet mastery. So Dan, if you open up the Dan Chinnery, which is Dan's dictionary, and you look up puppetry, the act of sticking your hand up someone's butt. So anyway, the Vin Diesel's on on the case and he's suspicious. And what do you know after a trip to a guy who's making, who make and bug cakes for people to eat? And we find out Michael Cain isn't dead.

He's in a state of suspended animation cursed by him. That's right. He's been cursed because they tried to get some information out of him. And he left a clue for Vindiesel. Remember your death. I don't understand this on Michael Cain's part, because he clearly knew that everything about,

we haven't gone to it yet, but the heart is what's keeping Michael Cain or Vin Diesel alive. It's keeping all of us alive. Now what heart are you talking about, Dan? The heart of the witch. So the witch queen, they keep saying to be getting destroyed her heart,

and she'll be destroyed. And it's like, yeah, that's everything. That's not just witches. If you destroyed my heart, I wouldn't be around anymore. Yeah, that's like saying, her one weakness is bullets. You know, the only thing that will kill her is the same things that kill other people. I mean, that was in the olden days, Dan. I mean, they didn't have any pretty, that'd be some complete magic.

Their weakness is getting kicked in the kitchen. They're like, her only, she only has a few weaknesses. Strangulation, drowning, fire, falling from high-hides. High-chops. If you just like a squeezer throat till she can't breathe anymore, she's dead. Maybe you're like... Cutting through her neck,

making a small cut that gets infected. Doing a really cool pile driver, doing a tombstone pile driver, doing a suplex, doing two suplexes. Now, let's say we had some kind of a motorized device, a mechanical horse, if you will, for lack of a better word, let's call it a motored cycle.

And she was on that, and she was doing a very sharp turn, and it kind of tipped over, and she wasn't wearing a helmet. I guess we have those back now. She's not wearing one of those and so there's a lot of brain trauma that could easily do it

or at the very least put her in a coma, she might not get out of it. At that point, just stab her, who knows? Don't just take her off life support. Again, I think we don't have now but in this hypothetical world, I'm describing it exists. Yeah, if her prone body was being supported by a bunch of I don't know sticks and weeds and stuff, we would call that life support.

Now here's okay. We haven't yet discovered the new world and in fact all we know is this world So I'm just I don't know where that phrase came from. But imagine they had some kind of leaf which you could dry out and then light fire to and there was a pleasing smoke that came from it that you would inhale into your lungs. If you did that and you're the witch, if the witch would do that for us say years to the point that her lungs were affected. And again, the industry says there's no scientific link between these two outcomes, but I, you know what, I'm going to go by anecdotal evidence on this one, that if she ingest enough of the smoke

and hurt her lungs enough, that eventually, that would give her, let's just call it, M.F.Zima, after M.F.Z over there, who's one of our party. Hello, it's me, M.F.Z. I'm his favorite drink, Zima. Also a thing we have, right? We have that right, along with boxes of boku

Which yield Richard Lewis has been shilling around the campfire Now if you she gains this disease then that would also kill her and we would not have to worry about which is anymore Okay, we're ready to go and break let's kill this witch everybody It's the same level of exposition we get in almost every scene in this movie. This movie loves to explain things. So when Vin Diesel decides I have to revisit the memory of my death when I was made immortal. And where else to do that? But at a witch bar, an underground witch bar that serves witches, where there's a young

English witch who owns it, I guess, and gives him a spell for going back into his memories, but if he gets hurt in his memories, then he gets hurt in real life. There's a lot of conception. There's a lot of dream walking in this. And what he learns from his death memories eventually after fighting a big bearded guy named Belyl is that it's in what's essentially the fight between Wolverine

and the really heavy guy who can control mass in the Hellfire club. Now I've got a question. Is that the white bishop? Is he the white bishop? I can remember. Maybe he's the, I don't know. I can never remember their titles.

I know Sebastian Shaw is the black king, right? I mean, you can. And Emma Frost is the white queen because that's her name. Yes. Selena is what the black queen. But then there's... Is Pierce one of them? Pierce Frost?

Yeah. Pierce Frost. Yeah, Pierce one of them. Pierce? Yeah. Pierce, yeah, Pierce, that's how he got to be James Bond, he's a member of the Mutants Only Hellfire Club. Yep. And the Revers had to sit off camera during the 007 TV. To protect him. Yep. Now I have a question.

Sure. Lay it on me. Then I'll tell you the secret of why Vin Diesel's death needed to be remembered now it involves a heart So I as often happens was not paying attention for part of this movie. Yeah, yeah, I remember that so How did What were you doing? My plan Twitter would you was it Facebook were you just using an atchisket probably all those at the same time? But are you carefully trying to arrange the perfect bite of Chinese food on your

spoon? I have to get as much mommy in here as possible. Mmm, mommy. Anyway, just learn a little bit about Dan that I didn't want to know. So, so how did Michael Cain get across the idea that you need to go look at your past? So there's a book. I missed that bit. So he has a book that got left behind and as often happens it was just a pile of clothes. What? No way. That's when somebody gets taken to heaven and Sarah. Yeah, they're raptors. So it is a part where they investigated. He left behind a book in which, as often happens when you're dying,

you have enough time to flip through the pages of a book and find the exact words you need and then put your bloody fingerprint on it to mark them. So he did with his bloody finger, marked the words, remember your death. And Vindy is all, because he's amazing at skimming books. He's like Johnny V from Short Circuit.

He can just read a whole book just by flipping through the pages. He flipped through and found those blood marks almost instantly. Because I missed this, I was basically like, why did Michael Cain instead of just being like, hey, Vettis, remember your death? He could have been like, Vin Diesel. The witch's heart is still out there. Go find it. Well, one, it's a secret that the witch's heart is still out there. Two, Michael Cain, they're not talking directly.

He's in a, he's in a death coma. Yeah. They're searching his stuff. So unless he left like an Obi-Wan Kenobi hologram behind. Or I guess Obi-Wan Kenobi doesn't leave a hologram. She gets it called. He shows up as a fucking force ghost.

Unless he leaves a mad Michael Sin hologram behind with that doesn't come out and say, here's what the thing you need to hit in the Death Star is but tells you if you go to this place and you do a thing using some mecha gloves, you'll be able to find the blueprints that have the shortcut to blowing up the Death Star. Again, I could just tell you right now. Really?

His real purpose is to make Saw Guerrera realize, you know what? I should stop fighting. It's time for me to die in a fireball. Okay. So you're saying that the point of how this came down is basically we need different video game levels that the hero has to go through until he gets to the end. Kind of, yeah. I mean, we would call the movies now.

But essentially a movie is just a is just a promotional tool for the video game based on the movie. And movie is a video game for your mind. I guess so. I guess when you look at a video game, a movie is the laziest type of video game because there's no interaction to it. It's like just watching your friend play

or like if you could just run the cutscenes only mode. I said they're watching Manchester by the sea being like, oh, why will they do anything when I hit the X button? Like, he done the fucking jump, dude. And you're sitting watching Manchester by the seat going like, give me a turn. How come you get to keep playing his KCF? I wanna die.

Run home, run home. I'm done. I wanna go back and do that bonus round where you fix the woman's plumbing. That's a shitty side quest. I'm a little bit of Manchester by the C video game in tail, anyway. And it's not like an RPG or like a text based adventure

That's too easy. It's got like a skyd scroll side scrolling platformer. Just right if you haven't seen the Adjustor by the sea just ride that 15 seconds get button for about 20 minutes. Yeah Yeah, for all the spoilers for Manchester by the sea. I just made pretty big spoiler in the I mean, there's a couple of spoilers. Yeah. I mean, the part where it turns out he's Batman. What? It wasn't Ben at all. That's crazy.

That's crazy. And the end where he shoots Jesse James in the back. The twist where it turns out that Manchester is actually by the desert. Yeah. Very strange. It's a dood and sea. Yeah. But it turns out that you're reading a book called Manchester by

so guy who's pretentiously named himself the sea. The letter C. Yeah, and that's why it's for cookie and that's good for me. No, Manchester by the sea. What if it was like a street fighter type fighting game? Yeah, well, it's like just fighting grief. There's only two options for hairdressers. You can play in counters, Michelle Williams. grief. There's only options. I heard you can point encounters with Michelle Williams and she's trying to

like talk to him. He's like, no, punch, punch. You're making me feel the many feelings, punch, punch, side quest. Identify your brother's body in the morning. How are there side quests in a fighting game? Well, like that. Is that like the level where you were? Like walking you

get a car? Yeah, that way you get points by beating up a car. Okay, your story. So the street fighter level that's based on the little movie after the black or white video by Michael Jackson where he's just beaten up a car for some reason. And people are like, why is he doing that? It's like he was a panther a moment ago. Are you I mean, I'm just glad he's taking a human form again. I was just watching the simpsons 15 minutes ago.

And now this is happening. No, living in this strange world. Oh, I can never, I remember as a kid, I mean, he told us he's fucking bad, right? He explained to us how bad he was. That way, he told us to beat it. It was a thriller. He's a smooth criminal. I mean, it's all right there in front of us. All he wants to say is that you don't really care about us. Yep, follow the breadcrumbs. Hey, remember the times? That was afterwards.

That came later. Sure, but it still hit him, right? I think he's not the one where he morphs out of a, like, say, because it's ancient Egypt. Yeah, hey, look, it's all ancient his Tariah moving on. So Vin Diesel, Man in the mirror. Vin Diesel picks up a sidekick, a new sidekick.

Elijah Wood just wasn't cutting it as a sidekick. So he picks up this young English lady witch and he learns that the heart that he thought was destroyed from the queen witch. If they had destroyed it, it would have killed him as well. He's bonded to it magically. So the Axis and Cross's Church has been keeping it around so that he can fight witches for centuries. Yeah, the main guy, Lied of Hindi's, and in Settie, took that heart and he just

stuck it in his pocket. He said, him, what heart for me? And when Stoosa stuck in his pocket, he literally stuck it in his pocket. He took a witch which is hard. And just that was still being. And do it. I mean, there's a road pocket as if like, no one saw that, right? That was like back in the day when dudes would just walk around with like a sausage wrapped in wax paper in their pocket. Yeah. Crazy. Could you imagine if he like bumped into some fucking dude and he just pulls a sausage wrapped in wax paper out the pocket How much how much wax paper were they were people making and buying in the 13th century? I don't know. There's a pretty important commodity though right paper. They had wax

I just you know I think it was like they just left that thing wet in their pocket. Yeah, I think so. Oh man, that was a gross time. Everyone was dying. So that's what I'm saying, like a fucking crazy witch heart that is totally CGI, so it's not that gross. You're right, it's not mushy or gloomy. No, it was basically a big sender at that point,

but still. And then I'll keep it warm on the whole cup. I'm not putting a witch heart in my coat. So I don't want to ask. Your objection is noted. I want to ask you to carry a witch heart in your coat, Dan. Thank you. I'm glad I know that now.

So I don't have the embarrassment of trying to get you to carry my witch heart and you telling me no. Look, I love you guys. I'm sitting there with a witch heart that I can't get carried. But there's limits, man. So after we find that, uh, he's gotta destroy the heart. He has to find out where the heart is.

The answer home, home's always where the heart is, but not in this movie. And to make a long story short. So time to do the San Francisco. Be fair. Good, okay. Some people leave their hearts there. The lost in fact,

have you ever been to the lost and found in San Francisco? Piles of hearts. It's disgusting. Ironically also, the grocery stores in San Francisco also have piles of beef hearts in them. I don't know if that's ironic. It's not dramatic, I mean, it's ironic because San Francisco sold its cows in order to get it, but then someone got them B parts as a gift. I think it was Captain B part. Oh, wait. That's how he got his name.

He's just very generous with B part. Well, he was Johnny Amble's lead type. And that's also what got him promoted through the ranks. Captain B part, just going around leaving beef hearts around and everyone and he's like, none of these beef hearts are grown into beef heart tree. Is you people are doing it wrong? Someone catch that guy, take him to the fucking sanitarium.

And there was only one guy who was tough enough to catch him, a bounty hunter by the name of Zappa. Now you're gonna say boss Skats. And his two henchmen, Deacon Blues and Kid Charlotte. Okay. Sure. Steely Dan song. Okay. All right. I'm not a big steely. I don't really know steely fan. What about you, steely? I know. Last witch hunter. So, so, so, Billy, well see you. So it happened again. It happened again. It happened again.

His beer overflow with. That's okay. Not as much as last time. Yeah, you're like, that's okay. I don't live here. This is damn place. I don't give a shit if it's covered in beer. Yeah, it's not like a fucking mag-wise going to run up, lick it and turn into a grumbling layer. And then he'll be a drunk grim. Wait, hold on a second. Wait, so that counts as food. I thought you were gonna say about getting it wet. And then he multiplies.

It counts as both, right? That's amazing. It's beer. Yeah. I believe that. I have a spec script for Grimmlin's three. It's in a brewery. And Billy is like, why did we take the gizmo to this brewery tour?

He's a he doesn't even drink. He's a real hothead Anyway, he's a home brewer. He needs a hobby. Yeah Let's go home all day. It's gotta do something. You tell me gizmo now It's not like he has a job, Elliot Yeah, it's not like he has a job, Elliot. So I did gizmo like very like you're really punching in and punching out the best. He's gonna write his memoirs. Come on.

I'd read those. You're telling me you wouldn't. Well, what is memoirs? Because I'm trying to sit here and well, there'd be like, Mogely Days or something like that. The book would be like the young Indiana Jones Chronicles but with Gismo like in the adventures. So it's what him like fighting in World War I?

But with very realistic CGI backgrounds. So it's just like, don't get me wet with him like shrugging. It's like, it's not my fault. It's called Don't Wet the Small Stuff. And the cover photo is him and you just see people's legs It's like, it's not my fault. It's called Don't Wet, The Small Stuff. And the cover photo is him, and you just see people's legs next to him because he's so short and he's like, hey. Yeah.

Are you there, Stripe? It's me, Gizmo. Where were we? So the witch gets brought back to life by Belly-Oll, the guy who was set up as the villain of the movie, but really isn't. He's only in a couple scenes and Vin Diesel just defeats this witch by shooting him. I know he throws a knife through his neck.

Oh, that's right. The witch is trying to shoot him because with all the magic in his command, he decides a sawdoth shotgun is a better way to try to get the immortal witch hunter. But the witch comes back, the queen witch. Vin Diesel's got a stopper because in a couple of days, her big hive of soul stealing flies that take over people's minds will erupt out of a church in the

middle of New York. They have to walk through some dreams to do it. Yeah. There's a elaborate mythos that is not worth getting into. It comes down to the final moments. Our three favorite characters, Vin Diesel, the last witch on her. Elijah Wood, Captain Turtle neck and lady and lady, and lady, and lady barky, because Chloe, I think her name, that's, I think you're right. I could not remember who has one really great moment when Vin Diesel is

suiting up and she, she says like, who says a witch can't hunt other witches and then does this little move with her hand like she's supposed to be spinning a knife the knife does not spin at all. I think they were like well at it and post they don't add it and post and Vin Diesel looks at her. I think it's supposed to be like a knowing look like oh but instead he just looks at her like what did you say? Wait is it my cue?

What's great. Do I have another line in the scene or wait, is it my cue? What's that? That's great. Do I have another line in the scene, or is that how we're ending the scene? Now, we haven't talked about Chloe a lot, but she's just been following Medisla around. Sometimes she helps them, sometimes she reminds them of what's important to him,

which is his wife and child, which we see in, so if anyone's seen the movie, The Pond Broker, which is a heartbreaking film, starring Rod Steiger, where he is a Holocaust survivor who is haunted by memories of his wife and his daughter, who he lost in the Holocaust. And now he's reacted to that by withdrawing within himself. I don't know why, but that has somehow been filtered through into action movies. It's now the shorthand where it's like this guy, if you want to make

a tough guy seem justified, give him a wife and child and then imply that they died at some point or just, you know, we're murdered by somebody. And it's like, this justifies absolute force. And it's one, it's the weird thing of like, we're given no reason to care about his family ever. And every flashback we see, he's wearing that goofy beard and goofy hair. And he is not a man who looks natural with the beard. And you're just, it's just, and- No, I mean, like, he's dandling the baby. And you just keep hoping that the baby's

going to grab that beard off of him. Just pull it off. You mean the baby that he's holding in his arms one moment and then the shots shift slightly. And then he's like holding the jump. He's horrified. Oh, logs. I gave birth to logs.

And if I didn't give birth to logs, but you know what I mean? To judge by his memory is all he did with his family was hang around a stream and twirl them. And that was his whole life before I guess he got into the witch hunting bizz. Which in a way that that would be like if Luke Skywalker spent all of Empire Strikes Back and return the Jedi like complaining that he wasn't shitting around on a moisture farm. Like clearly Luke's life improved. Um, I don't, I'm gonna take a picture.

He clearly got to meet his dad. He got his hand replaced with a Joe pass metal hand. That's he made a job of the huh? What's that guys deal? He's like a giant slug. I as someone with a family, I will say that as cool as being an immortal witch hunter would be, I think it would not make up for losing my family. And that's why he feels guilty because in his heart, he felt that before they died. Well, he was like, I'd be such a good witch hunter. I'd be able to really dedicate myself to witch hunting if I didn't have these responsibilities. But like nothing in his performance or story,

other than in these flashbacks indicates that he is anything but love in it. He's, yeah, that being a witch hunter in the 21st century is the best thing that ever happened to him. He's got a fucking pool table and his living room, dude. All right. And he's in like a fancy apartment building. That shit must have been heavy to carry up. You think he did it? How ya do?

He's super tough. I feel like for like, well, okay. So they get some sort of significant birthday for Stuart. We just need to pull our money and buy them pool table That's what he likes clearly He's not like all the cleaners All the cleaners A friend glossy that's autographed by Vin Diesel

Of him playing pool That's six by ten So, some flop house fan, you better get us a photograph of Vin Diesel playing pool somewhere And don't grab it off the internet, You take a picture of him in a pool hall. And if he's dressed in his last witch hunter costume, which is just his regular clothes, go ahead. You know he shows up to pool halls in like a dope ass international male leather coat.

Like a mesh sleeveless shirt and with a pool queue that he has to like screw five parts together. shirt and with a pool queue that he has to like screw five parts together. Where it's like it comes all bent and he goes like this and goes and just swips it out and he goes back back back back back and it all turns into one stiff pool queue. But it's like Daredevil's Billy Club. It folds up into a bunch of little pieces. And he's got some like silent blind guy behind him and you're like, whoa, that guy's got to be crazy. And the guy like, blesses his cue with some kind of weird magic. So they're at the final which battle with the clean which Elijah Wood, it turns out is is was bit of spy the whole time. He says those parents who burn my house down

who are which those witches of Brahmastown, those were my parents, but I was born without magic. And now that I've helped, which queen, now that I've helped them witch queen, which really, like that must be a recessive trait to non-magic if two witches have a baby, right? I mean, do you think it's more common to, for boy, children to not have magic? What do you think? There's plenty of male witches in the movie, or male witches. The male witches. That's, that's, they're delicious.

Do you think that it was a choice for him to have the Turtle Neck all the time because he was burnt? Do you think that they actually thought that through? Maybe, I mean, all the time it's just a girl. It's also stylish. Yeah, it also looks great. I mean, genuinely, that's a look that I would like to have come back in full force.

Yeah. Turn on X under blazers. I think it looks pretty cool. Mainly because you look like the evil president of America in a movie made in the 1970s, but still. Are you look like someone who's tried to shut down animal house? I mean, I would love to shut down animal house.

Those people are assholes. Yeah, dude. And so I'm not putting a like a value judgment on it. I'm just saying that's what you look like. I mean, I'm putting a value judgment against the members of animal house. Yeah. What's their fraternity called? Like, Capadoosh? I don't know. They're a bunch of jerks. All right. Let's, I'm just going to say, I don't belong to that fraternity. I don't know why you're so taking all this out on me. I mean, I'm not taking that on you. You're getting pretty defensive. You're just talking about how much you love animal house. I don't know why you're so taking all this out on me. I mean, I'm not taking that on you. You're getting pretty

to just talking about how much you love animal house. I don't understand. I'm just gonna say that all tattoo on my arm. I mean, that says, that says Viva Animal House. This is Bluto Life. Because I have that fucking Bluto poster on my wall. The more I run the poster, I'm sweatshirt that says college. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm with like the two girls kissing and one that says, is your washroom bringing bolster vicks. It's all up on the top. So what happened to the poster that says everything I learned in college and it's all different beer case. Yeah, and I got Einstein singing his tongue out. What happened was a witch grab Dan and cursed him to keep those posters on his walls forever.

Forever. That's why you've got that Jenny McCarthy as Santa Claus's daughter. I don't know. Yeah. poster. Oh, that was one that was in the CD store poster racks when I was growing up. They're in the like the Sam Goody. They you know how they sold posters and CD stores. There was the they would change their poster selection, but there's always one that was like Jenny McCarthy in a bikini with a Santa hat on. Year round was just part of the selection. And I don't know if it's you around, but she's got a Santa hat on.

Exactly. I don't know if it was because it was their best seller or their worst seller. They just could not move it. Because I'll tell you those spuds, Mackenzie posters, they could not keep on the show. Yeah, they were very seasonal. They were so seasonal. He was holding that day's newspaper and everyone was sure. Because he had been kidnapped.

Or did I guess he wanted to prove he was from the future? Sure. So, yeah, he's the, he was in an early version of the TV show, Early Edition. It was called early, early edition. So Elijah Wood turns on Vin Diesel and which queen is... And you're like, this fight is gonna be good. And the witch queen says, no, if you were born without magic, that just makes you a human and she kills Elijah Wood.

So he got played in the shade. Meanwhile, the witch clothe is... This is turned about only matters because the witch queen shows up and Vin Diesel is like, okay, I'm gonna slow motion, slash this thing of fire. Now my sword is on fire and they just beats the shit out of her

with this flaming sword. Like, it's not even close. Yeah, the way that he manages to defeat the evil witch queen who has, I guess, bedeviled the earth for centuries is by stabbing her in the heart with the sword. He throws the fucking sword into it. He takes a sword from his closet

that he could have been using the whole movie and then just throws it at her and stabs her to the heart, the end. Yeah. And all that's why he's released, just fall to the ground as Michael Cain looks on smile. It's one of these movies where you're like, well, I guess this could have been resolved in 10 minutes

if you just found the witch earlier. Like, I wish. All it takes is fighting the witch, which was the plan from the beginning. But only if there was a reaction shot of a couple dining al fresco in New York on this lovely summer day, only an entire wave of dead flies land upon their pizza pie.

And then, here's what would happen. There's a guy, if this movie was made in the late 80s, here's what would happen is the flies would out there be a guy, you would see a guy eating soup at Nathara Cafe and he'd look up scared as this wave of flies cover the sun and black in the skies and people are running, ah, and he's just sitting there and shocked. And then, you mean, well, Vin Diesel solves the whole problem.

And then the flies fall and one of them falls in his soup and he'll go, wait, there's a fly in my soup and then a ton of flies would fall on his soup. And the waiter is played by Ed Beagle Jr. I think. Yeah, Ed Beagle Jr. the dog version of Ed Beagle Jr. There's like a William Wegman phone. Yeah, a rubber danger field. Ed dog dressed up as Ed Beagle Jr.

driving an electric car. It's a regular rubber danger field situation. The sequel Ed Beagle Jr. and they're like, it turns out Ed Beagle Jr. just doesn't have the memorable mannerisms that Rodney Dangerfield has. Who was rubber Dangerfield for? Like, do you think adults were like, this fucking cartoon's going to be raw as fuck.

He is, I guess, I guess, I have to be, I have assumed some things that like Ralph Backsheet was the original creator. Yeah. And then they kicked him off and brought in Don Bluth. Now, so, and the other thing they would do if this is an 80s movie is Vin Diesel would then walk out of the broken church with Chloe with them and there'd be a crowd outside chanting, which hunter, which hunter, which hunter, and they'd kiss right in front of the crowd, Q rap. And then the credit roll.

And then they'd be like, it's low pan out on New York. Yeah. And then a last which would fly. I mean, this is just the ending that goes faster than this one. And it's not that far from the ending of the movie we just watched. Yeah. And so in the end, it would be a different like pan out on New York that they're like saxophone music. Basically, the romance in the stone thing. So, something we forgot to mention is that Vin Diesel lost his immortality at a certain point in the movie. That was actually something I thought was kind of cool in that when the witch first back in the olden days, when the witch first grabbed Vin Diesel and gave him his curse, later on it's revealed that his curse was actually her storing her immortality inside him.

And that later on when they are reunited she takes it back from him. Reunited and it feels so bad. Which it kind of makes sense because up until this point there was nothing about his immortality that seemed like a curse. No. He was fucking living it up. And he had Wolverine healing powers. Sorry, you were saying he was living it up. What did he have in his apartment? He fucking living it up. He had he had Wolverine healing powers. Sorry, you were saying he was living it up What did he have in his apartment?

He was living it up But what he had something specific in his apartment that really symbolizes was it What's the collection of really cool swords and And some kind of some kind of recreational table of a kind that he had in his apartment? Meania a lot of really nice shirts and he drove in Asin Martin. Oh, he had in his apartment. Meaniel, a lot of really nice shirts. And he drove in Asin Martin. Oh, he had a pool table. Yep. The only way he could have been coolers if he had an actual pool

in his apartment, which maybe he did. We didn't see the whole thing. But he's got one of those Robert De Niro apartments where it costs $100,000 a month to rent it. What? Now what that sign photo of Vendee's all to say, too cool for pool love man To stories all the way at the bottom. Yeah, that's right. Usually the two goes at the top

I want to be so play by your rules. I wanted to be signed welcome to my wool notice. There's no opinion except in the picture He's peeing on the pool table. It's crazy. Oh man, been always keeping me on my toes He's peeing on the pool table. That's crazy. Oh man, Ben always keep me on my toes. And in the end, it's, we're led to believe that Vin Diesel has left the accent across society. Now he's the love you make. Now he kills witches.

Now let me finish this dumb movie. Now he kills witches for himself, but Michael Cain's still gonna work with him and he's still super rich. So effectively his life has not changed at all, except now he's got a sidekick in the form of Chloe, the vampire who kills other vampires. She's like the dexter of vampires, if you will.

Which is, but it's the same thing. In what? I thought Michael Jane was gonna retire. I said vampires. I meant witches. Whatever stupid mythological thing has a secret society hidden below the earth. I mean, you've been written by the underworld guy?

I don't know. I think that one. But this Stewart at one point. I thought it was written by David Mammoth. Yeah, no, it was written by David Mammoth. No. Really? This is so much too much.

Not even. He's not David Mammoth, but he's much bigger. He's too much for himself than the show.'s one of David Mammoth. He's one of David Mammoth. He's one of David Mammoth. He's one of David Mammoth. He's one of David Mammoth. He's one of David Mammoth. He's one of David Mammoth.

He's one of David Mammoth. He's one of David Mammoth. He's one of David Mammoth. He's one of David Mammoth. He's one of David Mammoth. He's one of David Mammoth. He's one of David Mammoth. He's one of David Mammoth.

He's one of David Mammoth. He's one of David Mammoth. He's one of David Mammoth. He's one of David Mammoth. He's one of David Mammoth. He's one of David Mammoth. He's two of his four in the show. We got to do a new Flintstone snow. We got to play by David Mammoth. It's called Glen Gary Glen Rock. Yeah, guys, this was a... wrote this, also wrote, he didn't write the original on the world, he wrote 2016's on the world, Blood Wars, but he also wrote,

in theaters now, right? He also wrote, Flop House Film Priest. Remember that one? I think I wasn't here for that one, that was it. Well, but priest was the futuristic priest killing vampires movie, right? Yeah, oh, and the, one of the other writers of this wrote Dracula Untold and God of Egypt. So this is a it's a cavalcade of flopp house screenwriters. And I know

in early at one point when this movie is first in development, it was going to be directed by Timmer Ben Ben camp or what are Ben Ben cop? No, the dude night watch. Who did night watch? The Bambka time. Could you jump down? Tender, the app. It's gonna be directed by Tinder, yeah. So of course the movie ends, it pans back. We're both the abrins. Pan's labyrinth. And we go to credits and the credits immediately start in

with this really sick ass club version of paint it black. Oh, yeah. And that's it. That's the movie. But also, I was gonna say, there's a, there's a part where the bloopers and there were no bloops. No, no bloops, no bloops.

No bloops. No bloops. No bloops. We have to assume. I mean, off the set, I'm sure they were pooping. It took them more than one day to do this. No bloops. No bloops. No bloops. We have to assume. I mean, off the set, I'm sure they were pooping. It took them more than one day to do this. Oh, they didn't do it on set.

Well, that's right. That's good. I mean, maybe for the journey version of the film. They put it up on the big fucking sign. It's like, one rule on the set. No pooping. This is our set. Notice there's no poop in it.

Well, there's, that's something about Texan subtext guys. As long as nobody's tells you that nobody's pooping on set, you can only assume they are pooping. There's nothing in the rule book that says I can't poop on the set. Actually, there, it is fun. There's a rule about that. What is there a rule book for movie sets, Dan? I mean, there's a lot of movies. There's like, there's safety rules. There's lots of rule book for movie sets, Dan. I mean, there's a league made of bunch of movies. There's like, there's safety rules. There's lots of rule books for movie sets. That's a really good Hollywood. Alright.

Yeah, Doc Hollywood. What would you say? So there's a scene where they go to a bakery and it turns out it's actually a witch runs it and he's been putting bugs in the cupcakes and Stuart made a comment about like, oh, it's so men in blackish. And like, yeah, this movie is like underworld slammed

with men in black, but like without the imagination of men in black, I guess, where there's the idea of the same way that like the Hellboy movies never quite do it for me because it feels a little too much like they're just doing men in black. Yeah, he's like, I just want to make a bunch of moss-isolated cantina. Yeah, like this feels like that to certain summer, it's like, I just want to make a bunch of Moss Eisley Cantina. Yeah, like this feels like that to certain severance.

Like, look at this hidden world going on all around you, except it's pretty boring. It's not actually that interesting or exciting this hidden world. It's just like, we're going to do the same shit that we normally do, but there's going to be magical floating lights. There's going to be a lot of glowy things that are CGI in the air. So let's do final judgments, whether this was a good bad movie, a bad bad movie, or a movie we kind of liked. I'm gonna go first, and I'm gonna say it's a bad bad movie. It captured my interest less than Home Sweet Hell. Last times movie, I...

We didn't even get to the scene with the witch fashion show. Yeah. My attention drifted so far, but I had to paddle back to shore. This was continue watching the film. This was kind of a lazy lake inner tomb. Yeah. Floating thing. Then there was probably a certain point where Dan woke up, saw that he was out of sight of us. Yeah, I'm outside of land. And I had to see. Quickly had to feed. I mean, this all righty sounds like a more exciting movie than what we watched. Yeah. So yeah, I did not care for this movie. It bored me. I'm gonna give it a bad bad too, because it was boring. And you know, I'm gonna change things up guys. I say it's a bad bad two because it was boring. And you know I'm gonna change things up guys.

Now you're not. Say it's a bad bad move. Twist. And that's the last witch under folks. Going into a bulls eye interview, I know that it's somebody who does amazing work. I don't know what's gonna happen. Oh, that's interesting. I never thought about that. Is that possible? That's possible? Yeah. So I check with your therapist. No, but I will be. Why you do? You all know the place. I got a lot of respect for you man. That's dope. Bullseye. Creators you know. Creators you need to know. Find it at MaximumFund.org

or wherever you get podcasts. The first ever very, very fun day is coming to Tally Hall in Chicago on February 11th, with media sponsorship from WBEZ 91.5. Advanced tickets are sold out, but we'll have a limited number of tickets for sale at the door. So come on out for a day jam-packed with five great Max Fun Podcasts, four local shows, and a comic showcase. For more information, please visit maximumfun.org slash very, very fun day. But now is the favorite word. Where we honor our fine sponsors first off zip recruiter are you hiring

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people and you'll feel bad about that. You're going to get so tired of qualified candidates, you're going to qualify candidates, you're going to have to not hire some of these people and you'll feel bad about it. You're going to get so tired of qualified candidates, you're going to start interviewing unqualified candidates just to break up some of that. Just for the thrill. Now, how long has it been before they introduced their mascot, Zip Recruiter, a cool teen looking for a job or to hire people? I think that we just anthropomorphized Zipper. Yeah, maybe that's it.

He's a zipper with a with a face. In a cool attitude. So I feel like it's a little suggestive as zipper. Could be a zipper on a coat, Dan. Oh, yeah. Or a boot. All right. Just because there's a penis behind it.

Just because when you unzip it, all these good candidates come spilling out. All right. Of the crotch of a pants. Yeah. Well, so Dan, zippercruder.com, where do I go for that? Well, probably does zippercruder.com, right?

zippercruder.com. Well, you go to your computer or mobile device. Yeah. Press on, wait for it to start up. Siri, Siri. You're zippercrooter. I'm going weird. Zippercrooter.

Alexa, Zippercrooter. Zippercrooter. Dan's. He's a zippercrooter. He's a zippercrooter. Zapparouse Dauer. Zipperc from rescue rangers. Dan, finish it.

Finish it. And right now, our listeners can post jobs on Zipper Cruder for free by going to zippercuder.com slash first. That zippercuder.com slash first. One more time to try for free, go to zippercuder.com slash first. So you're posting a job listing to hundreds of sites and posting places with one click for free. I didn't believe it could happen, but we're living in the 21st century folks.

Just dear penthouse. I didn't believe it could happen to me, but I posted my job to 200 sites with one click. Dear zebra crooter, I always thought your letters were fake, but you don't send letters So I was thinking about something else Signed a confused old man Why do they publish it's letter? Oh, I guess it's in the new york This is a weird Andy Borough with Schumer piece. So this is our other sponsor tonight, which is the Black Tux.

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to get free shipping in both ways. Plus a free home trion, visit theblacktux.com slash flop. What was that again? Theblacktucks.com slash flop. What was that again? The blacktucks.com slash flop. So if you say, I know you're probably thinking. Okay, lay it on me. What am I thinking? You're probably thinking, Dan probably doesn't have a lot of reasons to get dressed up in

a tucks. We're leaving the house in the morning. People don't bite in the weddings. He has no reason to get super dolled up. Why not? Was he going to go to the prom? That's gross. He's in his 30s. That's insane. Uh, so, but like, you know, Dan, every once in a while, you should just like surprise

the world by just renting the tux. Why can you just put it on and lounge around the house? Yeah, like James Bond on vacation. Like James Bond on Martin Luther King day, not going into work today. It's MLK day. I guess I'll just sit around in my tuxedo. Yeah, it shouldn't change my routine. Yeah. Like James Bond on Martin Luther King day, not going into work today. It's MLK day. I guess I'll just sit around in my tuxedo. Yeah, I shouldn't change my routine. Where in my tuxedo jacket and no pants.

Why not? You mean home? The pants are hanging carefully folded somewhere, right? Oh, sure. I'm not a boxer. Yeah, they're not just pooled around Dan's ankles. Oh, they could be. But don't be. Yeah, but if they get, if they're pooled around his ankles, they'll get caught up in the roller blades he's ankles. Oh, they could be. But don't they?

Yeah, but if they get, if they're pulled around his ankles, they'll get caught up in the roller blades he's wearing. Wait, so okay, so he's on vacation, dude. He's wearing roller blades, a Tuxedo jacket, shirt, and bow tie and no pants. Cumber bun. Is he wearing helmet? I don't know, Dandy, wear helmet when you're roller blade around the house. I mean, it would be safer. What am I, oh fucking, whoosh. Wow. This CPAP machine is making

Dan crazy. Dan, you are so much tougher when you're wearing just a tuxedo shirt and nothing else. My new look, that's what he wears here. He goes to Dan to go to 27. Now, my imagination is that Dan, he, so he puts on just the Tuxedo shirt and he says to himself, which routine is it today? Do I be Tom Cruise and Risky Business or Demi Moore and StripTee? And then he just figures out which one he wants to be. No, he keeps his options open. It's like when he goes to negotiate his contract, who works.

Yeah, do I negotiate his Tom Cruise or do me more? It's a good question. Stuart. Oh, do you wanna thank anyone for anything? Yeah, I wanna, well, so everyone's in a while we get lovely things from the listeners and I am totally shitty at remembering everything I get so I don't thank everybody,

but Dan literally stuck this in my hands right before we recorded, so I would't thank everybody, but Dan literally stuck this in my hands right before we recorded, so I would like to thank Chad Lastname with Held, who made me a, who was listening to an episode of another podcast on the Maximum Fun Network of which we are a part and you should go check it out. There's many great shows there, but he was listening to a different episode, a different show, a show called The Adventure Zone, where I was a guest on the episode. And my character, yeah, that's right folks, there's characters on the show. You're never gonna believe what happens. But my character was holding a clipboard But my character was holding a clipboard just as Chad last name withheld was making some clipboards out of reclaimed wood. So because of this clearly divine provenance, he provenance provenance.

Prove evidence. Providence. Providence would be a couple of evidence. Providence would be like some sort of divine intervention. So we're probably both applying. Yeah, Providence Providence. Maybe he was in Rhode Island, who knows? Who knows?

He was, he was making these all I was. Check out the grave of HP Lovecraft. He, I don't know. So he was making clipboards at the time while my character on that show. Yes, once again, there's characters on the show I wrap it up. Here's welcome USA. He sent me this very lovely reclaimed wood clipboard

Which I will use to hold my show notes every time we do these episodes It is a beautiful clipboard though. It is very nice You know well well, well would work. It's gonna look nice with all my carefully planned out jokes written down on there. The test of the clipboard is in the clip, not the board. That's an old clipboard is saying. Mm-hmm. Sounds nice. That's good sounds. I've always heard it's a poor clipboard that blames its clip. I mean, it's kind of the only part that makes it more than just a cutting board. So, yeah, if this was a video game

and you had to craft a clipboard, there's only like two items you'd have to find around the world. A poor clip. And then there's a little animation of your character like duct taping them together. Yeah, I'm going, do do do do do do do do.

Raising it above its head. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do big thing is how you can get your message on the flop house. Just go to maximum fun. You'll be able to get to the jumbo tron. That award, slash jumbo tron. Maximumfund.org slash jumbo tron that you do. And follow the instructions. If you got a personal message, if you've got a commercial message, whatever you want to do, we'll say it if you pay us to say it.

At the jumbo tron. You can make us dance. Dan called himself the puppet master earlier. He is but a puppet in the hands of you You put your hands of dance, but hey Why don't you get the chance to put your hands up dance, but enter our dance butt contest The first person who writes and it's money writes an essay in 500 Less right us an essay 500 word to less about what you would do with Dan's butt if your hand

was in it. And whoever wins gets to fly, Dan will pay for the tickets to New York. Dan will put you up at the Waldorf Astoria. And you'll get to put your hand in his butt for up to how long an hour. Sure. I mean, is it a way to shut this down or wait? Is it a school day or a weekend? Well, that really depends on day. Day is when it decides what the day it is. And also, uh, relatives of Dan cannot enter the contest. We're in the top of either, right? Or employees

of McCoy Boy Industries. Yeah, I mean, that's a conflict of interest. Yeah, you can't do it. Anyway, also the contest is not applicable in Tennessee. Oh, yeah. Ooh, anyway, so jumbo-tron, it's your chance to get us to say something. And in this case, here's our jumbo-tron message. Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm. In the spirit and with full encouragement of the Star Wars Minute comes the Indiana Jones

Minute podcast, which is beginning its second season as we speak, covering the heart ripping action of Indiana Jones and Temple of Doom one minute at a time. And this just me interjecting compares the last witch hunter, which also involved a heart being ripped out of someone. Any of Jones the Temple of Doom is a much better movie. The Masterpiece. If you, I don't know if I go that way. The comparison of the last question. Okay, if you missed their first season,

go to indianajonesminute.com or subscribe to iTunes, Google, Play, or whatever to download all 115 episodes of their Raiders of the Lost Ark coverage. So subscribe on iTunes, Google Play, or wherever podcasts are given away for free, the Indiana Jones Minute rated. Big it's PG PG. IJ or Indiana.

I mean, Indiana Jones, the Temple of Doom, was one of those movies that wasn't the story goes that it was rated PG, and they introduced the PG 13 rating because like that wrap one was one of those. We're too rough. That inspired it indeed. Yeah, because like team move was first one on a fucking van and

red on the way. Yeah, I know bread on. There's about bakers how they have to get up so early. Again, the things that you get away with. You know, why? You break me because I sell it, damn.

I sell it. Yeah, Dan, bread dawn. It's a bigger wiggle. You're right. When you say that way, I'm in the wrong. But now, moving on. Vamping? As I throw the other pieces of paper over my shoulder. Steven J. Kamel style.

They make a they make a D for Dan behind me. This is the letter segment of the podcast where we read letters from listeners. Like you're the listener. We're the reader of your letters from your listeners. Dan Dinos how to read and to prove it to you. Despite those rumors you've heard about, Dinos how to read, he learned it in school because hey kids, it's cool to stay in school so you can read letters too on your podcast someday or whatever the thing is they do in the future.

When you grow up, maybe your words will get beamed into people's brains, or maybe society will crumble, you'll be left a tumble into an apocalyptic posibilization time, perhaps you're a sham and a round of fire. And your ability to read these mystic runes from the time before From the time before the great reckoning is seen as magic. They'll either burn you or they'll name you there, King I zoned out for a while, but I got pretty good. I like that one better than most letters from listeners So this first letter is from Dave last name with hell. Wait, but it's not? No, it's not. Not my brother.

No. Okay. Like goodness. Dave Lasting, holy. Oh, I mean, I mean, I'm a huge fan of Dave Holy. Right. I just had a spookly, scarifying flop house experience that I had to share. I was driving home.

I never thought it would happen to me. I was driving home from a vet appointment and put on a half-listened. I never thought your movies were true. Well, they're not. I put on a half-listen to episode which happened to be your excellent deconstruction of a movie I kind of liked unfriended Just a few streets away from my house and Stewart brings up his wish list is wish that the side-witch list Stewart brings up his wish. Who would be on your witch list, by the way? Well, I have a list. Definitely brings up his wish. Who would be on your which list, by the way? Well, I got list definitely have a which? Maybe the which queen like Blinda would she be on

there? Maybe the love which? What about that which that had the season of her? About teen which? I don't know if I could top that. See you guys. He motors off on his moped. Stuart cutting out after a successful find line. So continue dance on kind of wish list. Stuart brings up his wish that the cyber ghost of the film would make the room smell like poop. We are really a bunch of morons are we? The goofy delight Stewart takes in spouting stupidity and as a company Scooby-Dew asks Giggle, is the reason why he's my favorite flopper.

So this had me laughin' pretty hard until I started to smell poop. All the conversation of ghostly poop powers continued through the speakers, a terrible poopy smell filled my car. Oh, I'm sorry. For a brief moment, I thought that Dan had collaborated with John Waters and somehow created the world's first Oterama podcast.

Then my thoughts became somewhat more rational. I began to consider that I might be having a stroke. Then I remembered that my cat was on the backseat in his cat carrier. He pooped himself. So... Like that... Like Colombo went through all the possible outcomes. So on smells, if you can pick one film to... Well Watson, once we eliminate the impossible...

Colombo in his Watson? So I love the... Then we'll watch him know, once we eliminate whatever's impossible... Once we eliminate the Harlem Globetrotters... ...we can now scoop you through too. Okay, now it's Scooby Doo too. Orgillian's Island. That's true. They got it out.

They got it out. We've got a team up to stop Blowfeld and the Joker. Wow, Alan Moore is writing this story. It's a new story called League of Extraordinary. He's lost his mind. I know, they're doing a lot more. They're doing a lot more rap and weird sex. Oh, then they all have a raping weird sex. Yeah, then they all have sex with each other.

So Alan Moore's a weird guy, right? I don't know. Should I have realized that? He seems like a normal dude. Like, he could just hang out and have a beer. Go grab a, I don't know, McNuggets. Or what do you do with your buddies? He takes so long for this guy.

He grabs McNuggets out of his beard. What, it takes so long for the guy with a huge beard and like big skull rings on his hands. What, for everyone so long for the guy with a huge beard and like big skull rings on his hands? What for everyone to realize he might be a little weird? Yeah. Well, yeah. Good stuff, though. Great stuff.

Great stuff. Great stuff. Good stuff. Keep it up, Al. So, on to get back to the letter. I can't believe we just dunked on Alan Moore. Hey, if he doesn't like it, maybe he should come and talk to us.

Oh, that's right, he never leaves his town. I like his work so much. Why am I attacking him? Yeah. So on smells, if you could pick one film to experience with added ororama, what would it be? Lots of poopy wet kisses from Melbourne, Australia, Dave. So, well, there's one scene in particular I'd want to smell.

Yeah. And as always, it's the scene in the dark crystal where the skexies are just sitting around feasting on gross stuff. That's great because I want to know what that gross stuff is that they're eating. To this day, starting when I was a little kid and growing up, any time we had any kind of like meat at my house, my mother still refers to it as roast nebbery, which is what this kixie's heredic. That's great.

I mean, it's got to be some sort of like feast movie, right? Like a big night or there's a ton of food movies, I guess, but I mean, I can smell food anywhere. I want to like, we're Jurassic Park. I want to dinosaur smells like probably like poop. I mean, have you ever like just took a lizard and put it right under your nose? No, I'm probably what it was a mustache. Yeah, you know, if you got to try and sneak in somewhere.

No, no, I'm grown up. I've got a lizard mustache. You know, I'd want to pick something that is kind of sensuous and kind of pick something that is kind of sensuous and kind of, okay, it has a lot of food. Okay. And it's kind of makes you hungry. So I'm definitely gonna pick, meet the feebles. I knew it was gonna be a choice. Didn't see that one coming though. I feel like the natural answer is like some like magical realism

or like, like an omelie. Yeah, I've been omelie smells good. Like a water for chocolate. Well, the omelies. Well, the omelies. I'm, she probably smells great, but I was deliberately holding my back, self-backed from like saying anything that could sound like I want to go smell a lady in a movie. Like that's the weird part of it.

It's not what I got from what Stuart was saying. Yeah, I just, I just, she said that that one of those homies smells good. The movie. Yeah. Come on, come on. Come on. Ah.

The, so, uh, here's the thing. They haven't made a movie about fried chicken yet, have they? No. It's not a small, Kentucky fried movie. There's no actual fried chicken in it. I need to check the tape. I really want to know what a fistful of Yen smells like. The Muppet movie which has Kentucky Fried.

Frogs legs. I mean, I'd eat them. I mean, that's some, I have trouble. I watch that movie with my son a lot, and I have an issue because it's like, I don't want him to hurt Kermit, but I would love a fast food franchise where it's fried frogs legs. Like that would be delicious. I need that all the time. Popeyes, make it happen.

This is a sort of moral quandary that truly great art stows in the soul. The coffee makes us really question ourselves and the world around us. So moving on. This is moving right along. This one's from Jeremy Lasting with Held from Chicago. Jeremy Sisto. Who writes? This is for Jeremy from the Pearl Jam song.

Stuart. Stuart. Jeremy's spoken. Yeah. Class today. Stuart. Yep. You have been a bartender.

Sometimes. And now a bar owner. For several years yet you're known for drinking coarsely on the podcast. This cannot possibly be your favorite beer since one you are booze aficionado and two it tastes like a mix of an experimental grondel trial towel Laquois and boredom. So what's your real favorite beer? Love Jeremy from Chicago. System. Whoa, that's a lot of pressure. Like, can I be real with you guys for a second? Sure. I'm only if you turn your hat backwards.

Okay, let me see if I can. Okay, there it is. It's back. And for better, for better, best use, you probably put your pants on backwards. Yeah. Okay. Okay, what about this baseball jersey? Should that go on backwards? Yeah. Your Chris Cross. No.

Turn it on backwards. Dan and I just. I can't believe Chris Cross had to steal the style of Bugs and Tas. Right? Well, what? He was the other way around. When Bugs and Tas got those little little braids. I remember. Well, I requested a bugs and test went through their went through their gangster phase on over sized shirts. Mm-hmm. So were those licensed?

They had those all the way to do the licensing. The looney tunes characters. No, I mean, those that was then I think there was a looney tunes brand shirt. Just seems like an interesting thing to do with the brand. I mean, I don't own it. Who owns that shit? Like Dick Warner's. What are the brothers?

Dick and John Warner, the yakko and wacko. David Warner. So shit. That's why he doesn't have to act that much anymore. But he's so good. Yeah. I mean, I think he's. So I'd say lately, lately the beer, if we're basing favorites off of beer, I've consumed

the most in the last year or so. I've been drinking a lot of the ballast point even keel session IPA. But my favorite two beers, one is not available anymore now, is the ballast point Indra Indra Kunindra Curry flavored stout. And I really like the Hitachino Red Rice Ale. So, answered. And David Warner, still alive. I was really the kid died. Yeah. So this letter asks,

this is from Lee last name withheld. The jeans. Yeah, that's right. Camp custom. This is from some loose fit jeans. Recently, recently, maybe on you, wait, hold on. I'm more of a Leo piece of stone-wash jeans.

Recently, my friends were discussing the childhood phenomenon of finding a movie you fell in love with so hard you watch more Pete for months. I'm talking about the first VHS you spent allowance on and went to town all summer. For me, it was Greece too, at least 30 times, probably more. But friends mentioned Teen Witch, Poltergeist 2, Heavenly Kid, just one of the guys, and that Roblo movie class. This conversation happened between ladies, so this might be gender specific. I would argue that none of these are objectively good movies, but they hold such a nostalgia place from the age of 7 to 10. You can't even claim to ironically like them. You just love them

regardless of their flaws. What movie did you fall hard, obsessively, for as a child, that will be burned into your brain? Do you remember what the childhood appeal was? Again, that's from Lee. I mean, speaking for myself, there are very few movies I watched over and over again as a child that I don't still love because I had impeccable taste. But one that I had to watch a lot because it was my sister's favorite movie was Teen Wolf. Yeah. Which was not a very good movie, but I feel like I know that movie inside and out, even though I haven't seen it in years, because we watched it so many times. So there's a little bit, I have some affection for it, even though it's...

Was your sister a big, did you have a crush on Michael J. Fox? Did she identify with like an out, like a kind of a wall flower who becomes like a cool outsider? All the N. She was a werewolf a wall flower who becomes like a cool outsider. All the end she was aware of all that stuff. We played basketball. So all that stuff. Yeah. And she was a champion.

That's why you loved Baby the Lost dinosaur or whatever. Well, the legend of the last episode. That's a movie I know I watched mobile times. And I remember almost nothing about it, except literally like an African village where everyone's rushing around and running. Yeah, I remember it's a movie where like 90% of it you get no dinosaur and then right at the end

you get dinosaurs and then you're like, that's it. Was that the movie where the couple wants to make love and every time they start making out or addressing the hero roaring sound outside? Was that a different, was that every arm movie ever made? I think that's Carnot Sword.

What about you, Dan? Well, the thing is, I remember better what movies I watched from around the age of 14 over and over again. I watched Heathers and Aliens obsessively for a while. I like one of those. They're, well, you're wrong about the other. But you don't even know what you're talking about. I'm pretty sure I do. But not a fan of those there. Well, you're wrong about the other but you don't even know what you're on talking about I'm pretty sure I do, but a fan of Heather's yeah, that was my guess. Okay But the thing about movies I saw as a kid is They all had to do pretty much with what was played over and over again on HBO. Mm-hmm

like My brother John insists that I love this horrible live-action slash animated movie called The Water Babies. Oh, I remember that one. Like from like 78 or something. And it was just like the character design was just grotesque, like precious moment figurine style thing. And it had a bunch of like, it had like James Mason is one of the voices and like people like that, but it was terrible.

And he's like, no, you love that as a kid. I'm like, no, it was just on television. Like when you're a kid, you watch something that's on television, especially if it's a cartoon, you're like, I'm just gonna watch it over and over again if it's on over and over again. Like I also,

something I have more fondness for now than that, but I watched just because it was on all the time, was Beast Master. And I think I like Beast Master. That's a cool movie, dude. Now it's great. It's a touch of beast. I think I, but I think that eventually goes

to the portal of time. He's got Poonone, Kota, dude. Well that's what I was saying. I think the main attraction for me as a kid was that he had two ferrets. Yeah, and you're like, I'm imagining a world. Like you, you stare off into the distance and everything fades and then it's you with two ferrets. Yeah, and you're like, I'm imagining a world like you you stare off into the distance and everything fades and then it's you with two favorites. If you were doing a ferret pet film

festival, it would just be what? Beastmaster, kindergarten cop, and what else? A long game poly. Okay. I mean, three makes a festival, right? Yeah, that's a festival. Yeah, and then you just have that, you also have that audio of Giuliani, like yelling about ferrets. Yeah. And how sick the people who own them are. Yeah. It reminds me of, uh, there was, I remember after from hell came out, looking up the IMDB entry and it was like people, if you liked from hell, you might also like rising sun. It's like, wait a minute. I think the only thing in common here is that a prostitute gets murdered in both of these movies. This is not a genre.

Stuart, what about you? So one of those kids, there was a couple of movies that I remember like renting and watching the shit out of. So that would be like police academy. What is that for citizens on patrol? Watch that. A fuckload and ski patrol. Another movie I watched a ton and I think the attraction in both cases was A ton of hilarious goofs and sound effects. You know what I used to rent a lot was terror of Maca Godzilla for some reason That was the Godzilla movie I wanted to watch the most

Anyway, sorry, I interrupt you soon. No, it's cool. I also remember renting and watching I interpret these two. No, it's cool. I also remember renting and watching repossessed with Leslie Nielsen a bunch. And I like that because of the hilarious jokes and the copious amounts of weird nudity. But the, I think the, those are just the runner ups.

I remember the winner. My, my uncle gave me a, Academy Award for film Stuart Watched as a child. That was obsessed with. Well, I remember a friend of mine, or my uncle gave me a VHS tape that had a early English dub of Nausica Valley of the Wind on it.

And I remember like not understanding it, but being totally like blown away by this crazy movie. And loving it. And then at my birthday party insisting everybody watch it and everybody was like, fuck. And I remember getting a big fight with Andy Kisco and him going home because he didn't like the movie. I've made everyone watch. Mame sake of Mount Kisco in New York. Yeah. I mean, to put Andy Kisco on blast. I mean, no, it was my fault.

I forced him to watch a movie on the bad guy. Now he's the successful founder of Kisco, the only company that sells kisses. We got one last letter for the evening. At Kisco, we're not prostitutes, technically. prostitutes won't let you kiss them. They'll do everything but. Anyway, sorry. Rachel last name withheld.

L.A. and Stuart exchange a knowing uncomfortable look. Rachel last name withheld, right? I was reading Mary Roach's nonfiction book, Packing for Mars, in a chapter about NASA's research into zero G sex, when I came across the following footnote. So this is a quote from Mary Roach's book, Packing for Mars. This is no doubt the reason that even Stephen quote the hunter hunt, the man whose pictures and video feed comprise underwritersex.netnet chose to opt out of neutral

a neutral buoyancy and dropped down about 30 feet to a sand bar for his quote nude scuba encounter with an unnamed board lonely housewife. Says Steve can you imagine all the positions you can do while waitless you'll have to because Steve runs through the same old positions you'd see back in the dive shack only with unattractive face distorting scuba gear So end quote first off, that's pretty critical of scuba gear And I'm kind of surprised that Mary Roach's editor let kept that footnote in Obviously, I thought of you guys. How is it possible that after all these years, you never checked underwatersex.net.

And how does Stuart not already know about this? Apologies for a personal aside, but my mom died a couple of years ago. And when I couldn't sleep, I listened to your podcast over and over. You helped me through a really rough time. I've always wanted a reason to email let you know. So that's very sweet.

It was, thank you for listening. I'm glad we could help you through a hard time. That's one of the hardest times. Yeah. Well, that's not dwell on that. Let's dwell on UnderwaterSex.net. I believe that the page we were originally going to was called AquaFan.

Oh, okay. I kept thinking it was a plan, Submariner. Now I checked out Underwater. But that was that Sub sandwich page that we found. I did check out UnderwaterSex.net and it seems to have been removed since whenever this. Oh, does that mean, is that a free URL or whatever? Yeah, let's jump on that.

Let's square space. Let's ask for us again so that I can talk about it. Or someone out there in the world to buy up underwatersex.net for us and redirect it to the Flavas. What good with that. What? The only thing that would be good is that we could then advertise as the Flap House podcast business at under one or sex time We only talk about it every episode basically

As you know, there's one thing we talk about on this podcast and that's doing under water Well Rachel, thanks. I wonder who's squatting on the domain under water sex.net. Had to use the word squatting. Someone is get bought that up. And it's convinced it's their ticket to my hands. It's a guy named Drax. He's got a waterfall trucity fights James Bond. Well, anyway, that's a thing that we call letters. That's how it goes. We're going to cut the segment down.

That's the little thing we hear at the flybos call letters. Is that the extra on the flybos DVD, the documentary about the letter segment is called, and a thing we called letters? That's right. So what do we do to talk to you about? So what do we do to talk to you about? So what do we do to talk to you about? So what do we do to talk to you about?

So what do we do to talk to you about? So what do we do to talk to you about? So what do we do to talk to you about? So what do we do to talk to you about? So what do we do to talk to you about? So what do we do to talk to you about? So what do we do to talk to you about? So what do we do to talk to you about? So what do we do to talk to you about? So what do we do. That means when we, and this is you, you're not looking directly at the camera, you're looking off to the side to the interviewer and you're like, when we started reading letters, we were just a bunch of guys looking to find out what our mail was, we didn't know it would turn

into a national trend. Then it cuts to a reenactment of us like opening the one. Oh, I mean, the, it's, it's grainy video from it just, and it's Dan and he looks much younger. He's like, our first letter, let's grainy video from it just, and it's Dan and he looks much younger. So it's a long-term hair, and he's like, our first letter, let's see what it says inside. This is a DVD excerpt, it's like a Fox reality show from 1998. That's like a documentary

about the earliest days of the letter segment. Right, yeah, we're in episode of Tantu Nightmares. I feel like it's an alien autopsy thing all of a sudden, like all reenactments. Yeah, and when he opens up the fucking envelope, there's an alien course in there and we're like, what? How they fit that in the envelope?

And then we get each other high five, because this is awesome. And then the alien corpse turns the camera wings and goes, it's a living. And then eat some pizza and then surfs off listening to Joe Santriani. Because this is a Saturday morning cartoon from the early 90s.

Look, definitely I'm trying to decide what thing we are. We got to pick you genre and stay in that lane. Anyway, okay, so what do we do now? Now is the last segment on the show where we recommend a movie that we actually like that you should watch instead of the last witch hunter. Mm-hmm. That was very knowing. Mm-hmm.

I'll go really quickly because- It's award seasons, dude. You probably gotta put your regular English. No, I don't like English. Here's the thing, I haven't watched- Even watching all those screeners. I haven't watched anything since last time. So I went, I ran over to my DVD collection

and I scanned it and I'm like, what's a movie that I haven't or amended before? It was a little pathetic. Dan was like, I didn't realize I had this. So I'm gonna recommend a movie that I think I haven't recommended before, just because I own it.

And that is. Help. A lot of people talk about a hard day's night and rightly so. It's a great movie. It's the best Beatles movie, but I think you'll find that help is a lot of fun. It's a little goofier because it's not, it doesn't have the framing of a day in the life of the Beatles that even though it's not actually obviously a day in the life of Beatles, Lynn's a certain fake heir of documentary to Hard Day's Night. Help is a lot sillier being as it is Leon McCurne who you may know as Rumpel of the Bailey as a cult leader who loses his ring. All right, but he's a titular character in Rumpel.

I just know our audience. I think it probably saw the prisoner, I don't know. But he needs to get his ring back, his ceremonial ring. And of course, Ringo has it because if Ringo is, he loves rings. ring. And of course, Ringo has it because if Ringo is, he loves rings. And if he was, it's like he's the, he's the least interesting Mark's brother. Grouch as always a grouch. His grouch, you love the chicks here, check out. And what is that you wearing on your finger? A ring, a, your ring go, whatever. And you, you're eating spaghetti,

spaghetti, oh marks. What's that? Like gel in your hair, gel, oh marks How was that like gel in your hair gel oh marks? You're going to hell hell oh marks. God damn it Help is also directed by Richard Lester who did a hard days night. So it's got a lot of the same Zany humor It's a lot more day glow being in color. It's a pop art It's got a lot of great music as you would expect from a Beatles movie and it's a lot more day glow being in color. It's a pop art. It's got a lot of great music as you would expect from a Beatles movie. And it's a lot of fun. So check out, help.

Let's see. I'm going to recommend a movie I remember enjoying quite a bit in college. It's a thriller that I don't think I've recommended before. And if I have, who cares? Yeah, we make the rules. Yeah, it's a movie called Session 9. It's a movie about a small crew of asbestos cleaners who get hired to clear out the asbestos in an old defunct mental hospital. And most of the movie takes place at their like job site

with these guys just, you know, doing their work. And it's an naturally creepy environment. And they're also surrounded by what looks like, you know, like kind of unchecked wilderness a little bit. So it's a little bit, it's a fairly oppressive and yet still brightly lit situation. There's some really great performances. it's a little bit, it's a fairly oppressive and yet still brightly lit situation. There's some really great performances. The movie doesn't go, the movie has a tendency to leave a lot of stuff, relying a lot of stuff unseen and relying on sound and just performances.

It's, I remember being really creepy, and it's got some fun performances from the likes of Josh Lucas, David Caruso, and a great central performance by Peter Mullin. So, session nine, if you like, I don't know, like a kind of creepy thriller, Check it out. So another movie that we haven't seen in a while.

Yeah. Well, I'm gonna recommend a movie I've seen within the past few months. trailer, check it out. So another movie that we haven't seen in a while. Yeah. Well, I'm gonna recommend a movie I've seen within the past few months. Oh, Malaltie. And it's also a witch movie to capture the, you know, just jump on the bad way, unless you're in a good condition.

This guy's hunting a witch, but not so he can kill her, so he can kiss her. It's called, I'm married a witch. And it stars Frederick March in Veronica Lake. Veronica Lake is the titular witch. Oh, from, uh, from, uh, LA confidential. You have Veronica Lake from LA confidential, uh, and top of the lake, which is a movie about her head. Top of the lake here. It was directed by René Claire and uncredited, but because, who knows why, it wasn't yet the blacklist time I don't believe.

Uh, in the... Don't throw them. Yeah, Dalton Trumbo. Exactly. Dan's favorite guy to make the most obvious joke in the world about Dalton Trumbo. But it's about this woman is being burned for being a witch. Maybe she's being hung through, which I don't remember. And she cast a curse on the family of the man who

has caused all this that they will never find happiness and love again. That's in, of course, the 17th century. Flash forward to the 1940s. And the descendant of that family is running for governor. And the witch comes back and she decides she's going to ruin his life. But a love potion goes awry and she falls in love with him. But how's he gonna deal with the fact that this lady is a witch? The gender politics of the movie are a little old-fashioned, let's just say that, but it's a genuinely funny movie and the performance of, I forgot the name of the actor who plays Ronnick Lake's character's father who's also a witch and is just out and out sinister,

but in a very fun way is very funny. So I married a witch. It's a funny movie about a witch who marries a guy. And just a public service announcement. Remember, Trumbo sounds like Dumbo. Brought to you by the obvious joke, council. All right, guys. Well, that brings another FLO house episode sadly to a close.

We have to say goodbye to you, our dear listeners. But fear not, we'll be back. And so good night. I've been Dan McCoy. I'm still, you know, I'm still a Wellington. Am I, Ellie, Kaelin? Who can say who they are in this world? I'm just going to say, I'm me trying to be the best me I can be. Good night, everyone. Bye. Good night everyone. Bye! Pulled on. That's my point. I'm saying don't rip to me.

Argentina. Don't rippe to me Argentina, I've got problems of my own Step down a bit step down a bit that's my new country was inside You were trying to make a joke so what's there don't be All right You were trying to make a joke so what's your problem be? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha going home now. Yeah. In that you're dying. No, it's totally felt like going home. Walking through fields of wheat. It's me maximus. Every moment. Every is just walking through fields of wheat and you you reach out and you run your fingers through the wheat. That's it. That's all. That's the old thing. through the wheat. That's it. That's all. That's the old thing. L is just do the same thing, but does not we? It's penis. Oh, baby. Do you know what it's what that's worth?

Who heaven is a place on earth? Well, L is for children. You know what, Master Bruce lovers about feel. Oh, for a ran, Master Bruce, around so far away, got to get away. And I dialed eight six seven, five three, oh, nine, Master Bruce, the angel was my centerfold. Anyway, let's do the intro. Okay, and then we'll do the episode. Oops, I kind of stepped on the bed. Oops, I did it again.

I stepped on your bed. Got lost in the thing. Oh, Danny, Danny, let's do the intro, Dan. Come on, what are you waiting for? And then what are the episodes? Then we go home. Maximumfund.org. Comedy and culture. Artist-owned. Listener supported. Listener supported.