The Flop House - Ep. #229 - Assassin's Creed

Episode Date: April 15, 2017

We discuss the movie made up entirely of video game cutscenes, Assassin's Creed. Meanwhile Elliott does the classic "apple bit," we hear another one of Stu's goofs and bloops, and Dan's sick voice is all gravely and such. Wikipedia synopsis for Collateral Beauty Movies recommended in this episode: Suddenly! The Music Room Critters 2

On this episode we discuss Assassin's Creed from Ubisoft Games. Makers of such other great movies as None, Nothing, SILCH, NADA, None, No Movies, Nothing. No Movies. movies. Hey everyone and welcome to the flop house. Okay. Throwing up my rhythm right away. Hi, Dan McCoy. Hey, Dan, I'm Stuart Willington.

Hey, Dan, it's Stuart. I'm Elliot Kaelin. And today is... Flop day. Sure. First day. The day that we shot Syria with a bunch of bombs. Dan, I don't know. I'm just trying to keep, why do you have to keep bringing the real

world? I'm trying to figure out the magical fantasy land of snark we call the flop. What you're, I'm trying to play into whatever your thing is. I don't know your bit is. It's the two key. You can't read his body language. It's the two week anniversary of our last episode. Oh, that's true. So what did you get me? Don't tell me you forgot again. The baby said, here you go.

I got you the plastic holder together thing from Stuart Sixpack. Oh, these rings. I can use these to strangle fish to death. I appreciate that. You know that's the only thing that gets me to die on these days. Yeah, you just show it to the fish and you're like, you're gonna be sleeping with you.

Oh boy. So thanks for the prop work, Dan. Yeah. You can't see the listeners, but he actually handed me this six pack beer ring. Dan will probably update the Flophouse website with a full of those rings. Oh no, seven.

Yeah. So. I'll be funny if I had a photo of that with like a big celebrity and I just labeled it and like plastic. Yeah, six pack rings, seeing here. Yeah. And the picture of the celebrity is to provide an accurate date

to the phone. Yeah, they're holding up today's is to provide an accurate date to the Yeah, they're holding up today. That's exactly what skied Ulrich's beard looks like on that one day. As you can see, I had LeBron James hold up today's newspaper. So you can know what date it was. He thought briefly that I had kidnapped him, but I disabused from that notion. Hey, I've got a weird voice because I have a cold. Dan has a cold and Stewart is hot. So it evens out to me, Elliott, the guy in the middle, just got a lukewarm doing my best. Lukewarm, by the way, was my acting name, my screen name, Lucaswarm. Or if I was doing like a cool thing, lukewarm. I didn't get a lot of roles, but the roles I did get such as orderly number three on Oz, the scene was cut, or nurse number two on the scene was cut.

Did you go by Lukewarm or Lucaswarm? Well, that's the thing. If it was a serious role, Lucaswarm, but if it was like a cool role, you just changed it up. You didn't have to file with one with the actor's guild? I mean, I should have. That's why they kicked me out. I didn't realize I had to be a member of a union. And also that there was already a lukewarm and a lukewarm, also a lukeus J warm and the luke are warming tin. Yeah, and there's the that that the Eastern European luke a swarm. He's a wrestler. Yeah, Luka Swarm, yay, half B.

This bit reminds me of the only, not with bit. This is my real life. Dan, this isn't a bit, this is real life. That one from AdSaner. This reminds me of the only April Fool's prank I took part of, which was, took part in, but yes.

Yes. Which was when I was a Intern for the Leonard Lopez show which is a local public radio program. I Was on on air as a character who had been cut from every pilot of a successful television show And so I was actually in the pilot for cheers, but I've been cut I was in the pilot for the ex-files, but I've been cut All this care and I had no I'm to be credits because I've been cut from all these shows and That's not really a story, but it's a thing that happened to me. I mean You know, how was it over his story? Yeah, well how's the prank? Who was the target of this?

Who are you getting with this? Well then then I surround rap when it love hates toilet. Oh, okay. That makes sense. But I just try to track me down. I don't exist, according to IMDB, and you disappeared in a puff of pro IMDP. Pro that is. So, Dan, what do we do on this podcast? Aside from you having a cold and me making up nonsense and Stuart just mean generally handsome? This is a podcast for you watch a bad movie and then we talk about it. I like a review show like a round table Except the table we're at is actually not round Fungular fun fact. What in the trivia section on IMDB for the plot house? Actually speaking of it. Do they do podcast entries on IMDB? There's TV shows and there's movies.

Is there an IPDB in internet podcast database? Because we should have an internet. You can't get on it. Internet. Somebody make that and then in the trivia section, or the goof section, put Stuart referred to it as a round table, but the table is actually not round. Yeah. But a goof.

Yeah. Goofs. Stuart said that at the end of mirrors, he was not in a mirror world, but he was in a mirror world. Goofs. Oh yes, so wait a minute. The goof section of the Internet podcast database is going to have anything that somebody said that is not actually based in fact. Wow, that's going to take a lot of time and writing.

It's gonna be a big goof section. I don't know if it'll take longer to fill out the goof section or to fill out Paula Tompkins podcast credits. Oh! Take that puff of tokens. Yeah, you're a prolific motherfucker. You got willing to. Oh, I'm so enjoying your work and everything. Okay. So, Dan, we watch a bad movie. We talk about it.

We make up a lot of nonsense. Yeah. And tonight, did you watch a bad movie? We watched one of the worst movies. I'm skipping ahead. But we want something called ahead, but we want something called Assassin's Creed. Now, Assassin's Creed is based on a series of video games. That's why, and that's probably why so much of the movie was platform jumping and hand-to-hand combat with a variety of unrealistic weaponry. And stuff happening in the present that felt like cutscenes. Yeah. So they that they should have been cut from the film. So let's just get this out up front.

We're a couple of gamer boys, right? Uh, see you later, boy. See you later, boys. Uh, and I remember, Dan, what's the name of your Avril Lavigne parody cover band? Uh, Avril Vigine. I dress up as Boran. I mean, I start shaking my head before you even start talking. Dan, I gave you an almost impossible task that went into you less than exceeded my expectations.

So I apologize. That's on me. That's not on you. Look, I can't ask a man to swallow fire and expect him to just do it right off the bat. It would be impossible. We have an Avril Tejim, the Moroccan, I mean, I like that more than the first one. The Tejim.

I'm just gonna skip ahead and we'll get to Cape Canaveral Levine. She's like a cool girl wearing a tie, but she also wears an astronaut's face seat. Avril Levine. Oh, there it is. That's a good one. He got it. No, man. It only took four tries between the three of us. So, as I was saying, we're a couple hardcore gamer dudes.

And I remember I certainly played a video game in the past seven years. Uh-huh. And Dan is a little Nintendo. I have one of those many Nintendo's. Yeah, you have a like a time of God. She right? Oh, it died. Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that yeah, I tried to feed it Just like real life food. I just kept pouring It's it's in digital heaven now with the battle toads. Let's do it. You're a you're a gamer guy. Yeah, so I remember borrowing a CD-ROM of Assassin's Creed from my friend Brad and because he, you know, he swore by it. He's like, it's awesome.

You get to be an awesome ninja. Bergstresser? Yeah, we can do a shout out. A real. Brad Bergstresser, one of the first listeners in this podcast history to come up to us and say, you guys just bullshit too much. You got to talk about the movies. Speaking of which, tell us about the time you borrowed a video to your friend. I borrowed a copy of Assassin's Creed and I popped it in my

player, fired it up, cracked a broomstick. What are your three Dio? Yeah, I'm like, I can't wait to do this and into stuff because all the trailers for the game look like you're just this awesome Assassin dude, running around very realistic cities and you're like, you can go anywhere and do anything as long as it's assassin related. So that sounded cool to me.

Markers have no rules. It sounds a little bit like you're filling out your assassin tax forms and you're like, I can probably deduct these shoes because I use them when I go about doing my assassin related business. I can't pull off my cool jumps and flips if I don't have the right socks. So I'll write that off too.

You should be a little more shitty about it. Like, oh, how am I supposed to do my flips? So, but I remember putting in the game machine and it starting up and you starting like the future and then you use some kind of computer to send you back in the past. Like why do you need this additional framing device? Just be an assassin, dude. Luckily the movie worrying that it would not be an hour and 55 minutes long held onto that framing device so that it could reach full feature legs. So let's dive into the movie.

Stuart, did you like the game by the way? After I play a little bit of the tutorial and didn't know how to get out of the corner, I stopped playing. So we begin in 1492 when the... Can the... I've sailed the ocean blue. A spoiler alert. All right.

That guy shows his face later, although he wasn't really identified by names. We had to look it up on Wikipedia to figure out who he was. Uh, that's an Easter egg for the real fans. Sure. Yeah. In 1492, the Catholic monarchs of Spain are finally on the verge of taking back Granada from its Muslim occupants. This is after Spain has finally liberated itself from a morish rule. And those two

forces are represented in game or in game in the movie. It's not a game. It's a movie, guys. Just telling yourself it's only a movie and not a game. Uh, they're represented by the forces of the Templars in Inquisition versus the Assassins. And now, now, we're the, we're the Inquisition and the Templars opposed in actual history. I believe so. I honestly, all the garbage I read about the night's Templar when I was a conspiracy-monger teenager, I've forgotten mostly, but I do believe so. I think the Templars, I was preparing for that vampire that Dark Ages role-playing game. I remember reading a bunch of crap.

I believe the Templars were seen as a, yeah, as like a subversive, quasi-homosexual sect. And they are also gathering too much wealth and power. And that was one of the reasons that you positioned stepped in. They're like, you're against God. We want your stuff now, give me, give me, give me. So it's anyway, we're hungry for power and money.

No, no bounds. We're introduced via one of many swooping crane slash eagle shots, in which a CGI eagle is flying over a cityscape. And we're introduced to one of our heroes, Aguilar, who is being inducted into the Assassin's Creed. His assassin hoodie is being lifted into the rafters. And that's the only thing you need to know. If you're an assassin, you gotta keep your head covered with a hood. That's how it works. So I'm sorry, Lee Harvey Oswald and Gavriel Prince

Sep and Leon Cosouscoles. Maybe you killed world leaders, but you're not true assassins because you weren't wearing bitching hoodies and jumping off a towers all the time. Anyway, he's inducting these assassins, Creed, which seems to involve having one of his fingers cut off. And he's given these two wrist-mounted, spring-loaded blades. Uh-huh. They go right under your palm.

So I guess if you twitch your hand, they'll pop out. Which I guess are better than regular knives because you're always attached to your arms to you. You can lose them. And maybe sure you use them. Yeah, like you lose your keys. Yeah, like you lose your blades. These are better, you're strapping to your arms.

Like you lose your keys. That's Sean Connery as a medicine man in the Sesame Tree. He is told, and I'm partially going back to Wikipedia to remember some of this stuff. He's told in a very dimly lit dusty room because this movie is about a couple different things. And that is people in hoods, people in rooms that have shafts of light with dust in them. People. People.

People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People.

People. People. People. People. People. People. People. People.

People. People. People. People. People. People. People. finish with subtitles, made up sciencey bullshit about how your DNA contains the memories of your ancestors, or just kind of nonsense that it's hard to hear because everyone's so mumbling. Anyway, Michael Fastbender is Aguilar and he's told he's going to protect the prince of Grenada because the bad guys who are the Knights Templar Slash Catholic Church want to take him so that they can use him as leverage to get something called the Apple. And the Apple is supposed to be,

I guess it's the Apple from the Tree of Life and Eden. There's a text scroll to beginning that tells you, there's this magic apple, which turns out to be, it turns out to be a device that looks like Bush's thermal detonator from Jabba's palace in Return of the Jedi. Yeah, like a weird like incense burner. Yeah, and it, and but that's supposed to be the apple from the tree life in Eden.

And it represents. I don't understand. I mean, if it's supposed to be the apple, then I don't get the whole Genesis. So the trees made out of metal. Yeah, they took a bite out of this of this metal apple, which then went. Dan, Dan, one, the Bible's all metaphors, and two, God is a transformer. So if you believe that God is a transformer, which was that he was literally the Optimus Prime, and that's why you see...

He said, I am the Optimus, and I am the Prime. It's why you see so many preachers being... They were mad at Transformers movies because they're like, I say there's only one Optimus Prime, the big Optimist prime in the sky, who defeated Unicron and the forces of Megatron. And they're like, what else do preachers say? They're like, hey kids, I know you like that cool rap music and you're heavy metal.

Let me tell you about a cool dude who was really heavy metal. Are you telling me about Bill Hicks? His name was Optimist Prime, Bill Hicks. That's what preacher always tells me about Bill Hicks. And I don't know, some kind of Irish bullshit. The world of preacher, the comical, is a weird one in which the gods, like, there's this Mount Rushmore that is Bill Hicks, John Wayne, two people who would not like each other in real life.

And yeah, just the idea of drinking and being Irish and then guns. Yeah, I mean guns are part of it. Yeah. There's a gun next to those other two heads. There's like a pineaguinness, a gun. Jolly and a Bill Hicks. It's a trust way.

So anyway, they want this thing, the apple. It's a metal ball that's supposed to represent man's first free will and the Templars want it so that they can, I guess, eradicate free will. It's like the anti-life equations in there and the assassin is wanted. There are things that they can make people be good by force. They can eradicate violence by making people have no free will.

Well, we're not at, the Templars don't want to eradicate violence. Well, the Templars want to like keep everyone, like they want everyone to be like bow down to get cut. Yeah, I mean, they, they represent everybody. And if you remember Dennis Miller's show, everybody wants to rule the world if their Templars and also talk about it and the Spanish ink was a sure in this movie. I mean I associate that so I'm more with real genius that's fine. All right just shows we grew up at different times and I grew up with HBO and you didn't. Although each of you did show real

genius a lot. Yeah. Anyway, we're like five minutes into the movie. The point is he's supposed to he's supposed to find this metal apple because the assassins believe that there is no truth and there are no rules. And man was meant to be free. They're like ultra libertarians. They're like college sophomore libertarians. And they believe they can kill anyone they want as long as it means freedom for everybody. Cut to 1986. And there's a young boy named column who tries to jump his bike off of a huge jump, fails, falls on some mattresses. We know that he bears within him the DNA

of ancient assassins because he's wearing a hoodie. And the hood is the symbol of good in this. They rhyme, hood rhymes were good. Unlike the TV show The Hood, which was not good. Or the cape, which also wasn't right. I know that was right. It was called the cape. Wasn't the hood. The hood is a column. You can't spell this good without hood. G-H-O-O-D. Good. I'm sorry. That's how I was of good hood. You're right. That show is called the cape. No problem. Yeah. And you can't spell the cape without ape. If only there was an ape in that show, I think it would have made it better.

I would have watched it. Instead, it had a villain named Chess for some reason. Because he loves Android Webber's 80s work. Sure. So he returns home to find that his mother has been killed and his dad is wearing an assassin's hood and has a knife. And it looks like his dad killed his mother and the police are arriving. It's a real secario situation because they're in Mexico

and it's all dusty and safe. And the kids like, oh my god, he killed my mom and his dad's like, I could explain to you what's going on, but fuck it, dude. I want you to bear a lifetime of anger toward me. I'll just say live in the shadows, well, crazy by Patsy Klein. It's written by Willie Nelson, but before my Patsy Klein plays on the radio. He runs away and the next thing, bam, it's 2016. And that boy, Calum, is now Michael Fassbender and he's in jail for murder. We find out later he killed a pimp. We never really find out why.

We don't know that guy's story. But we know that even though he's dressed all in white in his prison scrubs, he loves drawing charcoal drawings of like cool, like tough priest guys. And like, it looks like he's one of many prisoners who is trying to get into the conflict business and practice his drawings that he can be a pro someday. But he's on death row.

He's gonna have to be a conflict pro from beyond the grave. Mm-hmm. Which I don't know if anyone's done, to be a comic pro from beyond the grave. Which I don't know if anyone's done have any ghosts really made it in the comic world. I mean, Casper. That's a huge star. Big star in the go. That's really cool world. Wasn't Gabriel Burns character in jail?

Yes. I thought you're gonna say wasn't it ghosts? What's he doing? He's a good point. If you saw a your think director's kind of cool world. You're thinking of the sequel to cool world, ghost world. Which all the characters came back as ghosts. It's a really interesting interpretation ghost world.

Hey, show me what I'm saying in the text to that film that says that's not what I'm saying. I'm imagining Elliot going to ghost world and being so angry at it. Like he's walking out throwing his hat on the ground. There were no ghosts to that movie. Where were ghosts? Unless they were all ghosts. Get me M. Knight Shyamalan on the phone. Have I got a twist for you? You already made that movie? All right, never mind then. Hang up. Yeah. And that was the story of the time Elliot called him Night Shyamalan.

I mean, I had his number. That's the one. That's the hard thing. Yeah, Elliot called him Night Shyamalan. I mean, I had his number. That's the one. That's the hard thing. Yeah, I looked up Night Shyamalan, comma, M in the phone book, and it was listed at the time. Yeah. Yeah. You might. Let me answer it. Who is this?

Is this my pizza? Yeah. Like I'm calling you from beyond the grave, dude. I'm a ghost pizza. I'm like, Mr. Night Shyamalan, and please, says, please, Mr. Night Shyamalan lives in Florida. Call me M. Yeah, like I'm calling you from beyond the grave, dude. I'm a ghost pizza. I'm like Mr. Night Shyamalan and please says please Mr. Night Shyamalan lives in Florida call me M and I've a mission for you bond

Anyway, Michael fast-penders on death row and they give him lethal injection, but then he wakes up It wasn't so lethal after all. And he's talking to Marion Coteyard, that's right, Talia Algoole herself. And she's telling him, everyone thinks you're dead, but now you're gonna be part of a secret experiment. I'm trying to eradicate violence, which I believe is genetic, and you're violent,

and everyone in your family is violent. We're gonna hook you up to a machine called the Anomas, which allows you to tap into the memories of your ancestors that are encoded in your DNA, which is not, which is crap, but at least it's like, I can buy a certain amount of crap science in a movie if the movie is going to do something with it. And she's also explained to him that the reason why he has lived a violent life is because violence is written into his DNA. All of his ancestors were assassins and killers. That's why he was on death row. And they believe that they can find the apple.

They can use it to remove violence. Not a DVD of the movie, the apple. No, and not just an apple that she put in the fridge and wrote her name on and somebody still ate it. Like wrote her name on the peel? Yeah, exactly. Wow. Okay. That was just gonna peel. Do you knowor-N-A1, the peel? Or... Yeah, exactly. Wow.

Okay. That was just gonna peel. Do you kill your apples before you take a big old bite? No, I don't. You watch them at least, though, right? I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I marker, but like, I mean, if you're just a sharpie, you're just eating that sharpie. Yeah, I mean, I guess I haven't practiced writing my, RNA once in apples right now and test it out. Okay, so let me,

let me, let me, let me, let me describe for the audience, we'll have to write an apple now. Now, Dan is pulling one apple out of his pocket. Stuart has an apple out of his pocket, because I don't know if the listeners know this, but you're essentially Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn. And you just walk around with apples all the time in case you need a snack when you're done white washing off Fans were escaping with a slave raft. We stolen from an apple card on the way over the podcast

Yeah, oh, yeah, smash by a car that was chasing us Wait, here's the angry owner of the apple cart. Oh, you shake it as fist and his mustache is bristling He seems pretty unhappy, but now Dan is throwing him $100 bill. Wow, this is his lucky day. Anyway, that's way more than he would get for those two apples normally. Now anyway, Dan $100 less is writing his own name

on the Apple T. Except he was really, when you see kids practicing their signatures, he's really doing it up. It's a lot of curly cues, a lot of cross-hatching. He's trying to make one of the letters look three-dimensional, and all the letters are kind of linked together, like it's his graffiti tag. Oh, it looks like he's writing a nickname

in between Dan McCoy. Does that say the sperminator? That's fucking weird. It's a lot to fit on one apple, and yet Dan is doing it because he's writing sperminator in very little letters. And now Stuart, as he opens his beer, is carving his name into the apple, which defeats the purpose of the experiment.

Now Dan has dropped his phone because I guess he couldn't hold the apple and the phone and the marker at the same time. This whole time he's been juggling an apple, a marker, and his phone, which is foolish of him, because he doesn't need the phone. I guess it's in case there's a UPC symbol on the apple and he wants to get the hidden app tricks

that are in that the apple or should put in there. Dan wants to get the hidden app tricks that are in that the Apple are sure to put in there. Dan, there's no hidden app tricks for this Apple. I know Apple and app have some of the same letters, but app is not sure to put in. Well, I've not Apple the app. How does that fit in? Well, so let's go one memory deeper here, guys. Do you guys ever when you pick up a product, that's the end of the classic Apple thing?

Are you incepting that? Yeah, now so we're gonna go one more deeper when you pick up a product that has some kind of a weird code that's like scan this do you ever like know I've never I've never done that you know you use your case I've never been I've never been so I've never been so interested in what rice crispy's has to tell me that I'm gonna pull out my phone and bother to scan it yeah yeah where it's like you yeah if, if you scan something in the app, it'll be like you've unlocked the mystery to Rice Krispies. This is why it's Snapcrackles pops because they're filled with the souls of the Dan.

They said screaming in pain as they drown in your milk. I didn't want to know this. Thanks for the app. So she want, they want to find this apple and they hook them into the Anomest Machine store. You need to find what the Anomest Machine looks like and how it operates. Okay, the Anomest Machine looks like a long robot snake coming down from the ceiling and it's got a little claw on the end and it claws the back of Michael Fastbender.

It's a little bit like a carnival claw game except the only thing you can win is Michael Fastbender, but you do win bit like a carnival claw game, except the only thing you can win is Michael Fassbender, but you do win every time. You get it every time. Sometimes he's like wiggling all over the place, but that's okay. He's still Michael Fassbender. Or it's port sender neck like existence

or something like that. Yeah, I mean, it's a pretty sad cyberpunk idea of connecting to your brain by sticking something in the back of your head. Now, when he's in the animus, does he just stand there still? No, well, the first thing that happens is he launches up into the air.

First thing that happens is he takes a shirt off so he sees a sweet cut by it. And now I get why I did this movie. He wanted me to excuse to hit a trainer really hard, so he gets shredded. And so he first rises up into the air and you see that body and it's full glory. When I say glory, I mean, he's in a Jesus Christ pose.

Yeah. He's got his arms out, he's got his wrist blades on because they had to put those on if he's going in the animus. That, they have a collection of ancient weapons at this place because it's, well, let's describe the place he's in. It's like a maximum security gattica prison

with a lot of guards. I think Dan, really one time at how expensive it must be. Yeah, I was funding this operation. And it's run by Marion Coteard and her dad, Jeremy Irons, in a role that demands as much looking at things while scowling as one man can do in a film. It's a lot like the set of the facility and cabinet in the woods,

or the, I don't know, like the facility in Cabin in the woods, or the, I don't know, like the island in the island, or I don't know, like the place Harris and Bergeron would have to live. And yeah, it's one of those places that doesn't look like a place actually humans would spend too much time. There is one room where the inmates get to hang out

because fast-moving is not the only one that has plants in it, which doubles as their cafeteria and rec room, I guess. I want to say one thing about Jeremy Irons in this role. Not since Raymond Burr in Godzilla King of the Monsters, as an actor felt so injected into a film. The man stared at so many windows? Oh, yeah, since the man stood and stared at things where he were like, didn't even tell him what he's supposed to be looking at in this scene. He does have a few speaking lines. He interacts with Michael Fassbender, Mary and Coatyard. And he is clearly a dad who is close to the Templars. He meets a couple times with the head of the Templars who's a lady because the Templars are woke and progressive. Yeah. And Mary and Coatyard,

she's like, they're giving me the funding to eliminate violence. This is great. And, uh, but Mary and co-t yard, she's like, they're giving me the funding to eliminate violence. This is great. Anyway, so. And I'm going to do that with my magical science claw. And the magical science claw only works, as you mentioned, if they give him his weapons, that his ancestor used. Yep. So he has his wrist mounted blades. So he rise up in the air and then all of a sudden he is slowly taken back through the the mists of time. You might call it a port hole of time. Mm-hmm. All the way to the memories of one of his ancestors and then with the assistance of the claw that can lift him up in the air, he kind of like lives out and reenacts all the

memories of his one specific ancestor. He, Aguilar. Aguilar. We meant in the beginning of the movie. Now, he is essentially playing a virtual reality game in which he sees Aguilar's memories and he acts out the movements. And it's a little bit like if you've ever seen someone using Oculus Rift and you're just watching them react to things that you can't see and it looks hilarious.

They, I mean, they make it look like you, when you're wearing the Oculus Rift, what you think you look like is like you want to assume people think you look super cut and cool. Yeah. And occasionally there's like shadow monsters that you're punching. That's the other thing is that as the movie goes on, they, everyone else can see what he's seeing more and more. That's weird. It's something I don't remember if they ever fully explained. Also, Marion Cotigard says that he can't change the past. We go over this. No, yeah, he's just reliving memories.

There, because they want to follow him to see where he took the apple. His ancestor took the apple. They want to find out where it went. But it's like the screenwriter is like- This is the easiest way to do it. Is it to happen to his DNA memory and make him relive it? But the screenwriter is like, what's the least exciting way I could do this? What can I do that would remove my hero's agency entirely?

I'll just have him be reliving a thing that already happened, but not be able to affect it. All contrary to him. Oh. Because he starts experiencing what they call the bleeding effect. Where suddenly he's hallucinating Aguilar all over the place, and Aguilar starts giving him the strength he needs.

And by all over the place in the like three rooms, he's allowed to go into. Yeah, because for this entire monolithic cell block enormous facility, we were only the only see a couple of the rooms. But the Aguilar starts kind of teaching him that he's got the moves, he's got the grooves, he's got the power inside of him. There's a great scene where he does a little like a little martial arts fight with the ghost of Aguilar. That's pretty cool, right? I know, no, but I mean, how did either of them learn martial arts,

guys? Well, Aguilar grew up in Spain in the 15th century, the home of martial arts. And he got to assume that Cal picked up some tips in jail when he wasn't charcoal drawn. Now, luckily for you guys, I was here today, so I could explain to you that the reason why he was able to learn those martial arts, why he was the home of martial arts back then

was because when Marco Polo returned from China, in addition to the secrets of Piscetti, he brought along the secrets of martial arts. Really, that's amazing. Yeah, Marco Polo had Jeffy from Family Circus a long way. I don't know. Yeah, he's like, I need a name.

Well, why do you think it took him so long to get back to Italy from China? Is they do it such a crazy roundabout route with dotted lines falling? Remember, they had to stop in every yard and town before they got back to Italy. Yep. And then the queen of Spain's like the Chinese people were really mad because they say somebody stole the stuff.

And he said, he said, not me. I don't know. And two mischievous ghosts went to hang out with the kids grandpa and heaven to hang out with the kids from love is Oh, okay, they're all naked I guess that's it now is it creed? Wait a minute It's not me like actually a ghost It's I mean it's unclear based on the text whether they are actual ghosts or spirits or just meant to be whether they are actual ghosts or spirits, or just meant to be personifications of the idea of escaping blame.

If Bill Keen is, and now Bill Keen's son, who I guess does the strip now, I think, if they're having a bit of a laugh at kids, or if the family circus characters do live in a world in which spirits affect physical material objects. Now again, I'll mention, their grandpa's angel is constantly looking down on them. So we do live in a world where there is a kind of metaphysical supernatural reality in the spirit realm.

But their grandpa existed, right? He wasn't like the idea of a grandpa giving spiritual pull. No, well, we don't know that there wasn't a not me and then I don't know. That's what I'm trying to find out. We lived in the family circuses house or circus and are now haunting them. Oh, yeah. So they were the family that lived in that home previously. Yeah. I like to believe that the dad and family circus,

they were his family and he murdered them. Okay. And then he married a new woman, started a new family. And not me and I don't know, we're like, we've got to cause mischief so we can get a message across these kids to leave that they aren't the next victims. It's a real stepdad.

There's something about the dad from family circuses, those glasses he wears, and the kind of effect. And like the blankness behind those glasses, it's like dirt backdorf's, my friend, Dahmer coming. Oh. And also the way that the dad is always pretending to have seizures as a joke, just like in my friend, Dahmer. There's a lot of, there's a lot of similarities, which we're in defective, material and Bill Keens. Yeah.

I think the dad is actually kind of supposed to be Bill Keen. We're not sure about that. When that dad married up though, I mean, we can all agree, right? Bell. Oh, yeah. Super hot. And in the 90s, they changed your haircut. Yeah. And she looked even better. It's a blondie Dagwood situation. Look, these, it's a King of Queen situation. These hot women are stuck with these not attractive guys. Well, Dagwood

can eat a fucking sandwich and take a nap. I mean, you're right. He's every woman's dream. You're right. That's a bachelor situation. How do you know? She, she, she, Blondie was just lucky to get his rose at the end. How do I? I can only imagine the like, uh, the dates they would go on in, in Dagwood's bachelor where it's like, you all get to make the sloppiest tallest sandwich. Another sandwich one. Now, how, how I wish this was a comic strip podcast. Well, then we could talk about how they're not all couples that are mismatched. High and Lois, they're so close together that they could be brother and sister, which

brings me to my next theory that high and low is are actually brother and sister. Now, low is is Beetle Bailey's cousin, right? I believe that's right. Cousin or sister, I can't remember which one they related. Well, it wouldn't be sister because they'd be married as high and lowest are. I guess it would make high beetle bales cousin too if high and lowest are brother and sister. Now, if they, if they were, if they were strapped into the animus, would they go back in time to like BC or crock or something?

Yeah, probably, they go back through Wizard of Vib, back through BC. Wait, wait, wait, where does Wizard of Vib, the back through V.C. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Where does Wizard of Vib fall in the timeframe between B.C. and Crock? In between. In between, yeah. Okay, I guess.

I mean, when were Wizards around? It's clearly like the Middle Ages. There's nights in the King and a castle in a wizard. Although the King, I mean, let's just face it. he's a think. That's what I've been told. I've been led to believe. And that's the comic strip that as a kid, I was like, that's your punchline. Like that's it. That's it. Okay. Let me just say one thing about this. I imagine that. It's like a comic strip for people who can't swear. Like, oh, thanks. Finally. Finally someone's saying it. Now, Dan, we got to back to the movie.

We've been distracted enough as our rulers would have us be by family bread and family circuses. So it's onto back to the film where, to make a long story short, fast bender starts making friends with the other people at the prison who were also descended from assassins in his, he goes through a bunch of action sequences in his memories, the first of which they're on a stage coach,

kind of thing with horses and they're going through all these valleys that you know an Italian western was probably shot in at some point. Mm-hmm. Maybe really wish I was watching any Italian western because it would have been better than this. There's a lot of fight scenes where an assassin is rushed by a Templar dude, and the Templar dude does a big haymaker swing with his sword. That's the assassin's turn to duck or block and then stab him a bunch. Yeah, the assassin's scenes almost always seem to end

with him hanging off of something or about to jump off of something. And then one of the movies tricks is the good good guys, the Templars can always survive. These enormous jumps off of like 50 foot towers, because as soon as they're about to hit the ground, Michael Fassbender wakes up out of his memory. And then when he goes back into his next memory, the Templar is just fine.

And while he's fine. And you're like, wait, what happened to the guy in the past? How did he jump off the building? It was a really close situation. Yeah, yeah, it's a whole Wiley Coyote situation. Yeah, yeah. It's a whole Wiley Coyote situation. Aguilar would like get flattened and hold up a sign that said like yikes were like ouch. And then his body would pop up like an accordion and he'd walk up screen, off screen black

out. He's fine. All right. Problem solved. So he, so in the real world, he's kind of going along with this, but they realize that he's not really giving himself into the project entirely. So they can they revealed him that they have his father who killed his mom. Now, Mary and Coatyard starts, they become a little friendly, he earned fast-men, but yeah, they revealed that their dad is in there too.

Yeah, and so they give him the opportunity to like get his revenge. Two as the Kali Culkin to like get get his revenge. Two as McCulloch and did get even with dad. Yeah, exactly. I think they they say that to him. They show in the movie to explain the reference because he hadn't seen it. He hadn't seen it because for some reason, he somehow missed the blockbuster. Yeah.

Ted Danson, McCulloch and vehicle, the movie that finally brought together America's two favorite stars, Ted Danson and McCulloch and Ted Danson was playing the dad, right? Yes. And McCulley Colgan played Greg Even. Yep, right. Thank you. Thank you for joining me. We got the VHS tape out from my hometown library, where it was one of the few tapes you

get good. Now, Dan Stewart, let me ask you a question. Maybe you can help me. I don't have a therapist. Maybe you can be that for me. I saw getting even with dead once, when it came out, on the same day I saw the Lion King.

Why do I still remember whole scenes of getting even with dead? And yet there are events of my own life that my wife will tell me, remember we did this? And I'll be like, I don't remember that. I don't remember that vacation we took.

But if she said, hey, what did McCollough Cullkin do with the money that they stole in getting him with Dad? I'd be like, he put it in the sports bag that he had then hung on the mannequin and the department store in the mall so that his dad couldn't find it, but he'd know where it was.

I really wish I could. This movie I saw once on the same day I saw him much better movie. I really would have loved to have been in your classics class when somebody is describing the story of Adapis and you're like, oh, it's like getting even with dad. I think that was Sophocles original title. Yeah. It was getting even with dad.

That was a weird scene when my colleague, Alton, can poke his own eyes out at the end of getting even with dad. Yeah, it was uncalled for. And he said, ah, right, his classic catchphrase. Yeah, that's right. His classic catchphrase. That's right. His classic catchphrase. He did the same hands on the cheek thing, but there's blood pouring out of his eyes. No.

So anyway, back to Assassin's Creed. He meets up with his dad and they have kind of a heart to heart. And his dad tells him like, but basically tells him like. His dad played by a star of many sword based movies, Brendan Gleason. And the movie is really waiting a long time to reveal that Brendan Gleason is in it. And actor, I like a lot. Yeah, he's really good.

Dana, am I known as Matt Eyemooties? He's not the cast. I mean, you got to, this cast is stacked. Mm-hmm. I mean, we just watched collateral beauty a couple of weeks ago. And then I had like seven Academy of this cast is stacked. I mean, we just watched collateral beauty

a couple of weeks ago, and then had like seven Academy of non-pays in it. Yeah. I mean, this movie is confident enough that they can have Michael K. Williams in it and barely give him anything to do. Yeah. But, and he says basically,

is this one he tells him basically, look, your mom was an assassin too. Yes. And she wanted to die rather than be captured. So I did what she wanted. I could have killed myself instead. I escaped to live another day instead of helping your mom escape.

And it's not really sure why he is one of the most fun. That's a weird choice, especially if she's also an assassin. Yeah. Unless like she, like has been out of the game for a while and would slow him down. Possibly. Also, he killed her and then at no point, it looked like he was planning

on actually killing his son. No. So it seems like deep down he was like, well, I kind of wanted to kill her anyway. This is the chance to finally be a single dad living the Ed O'Neil in Dutch scenario that I've always wanted to be a part of. Now I know Ed O'Neil was not the kid's dad in Dutch. I think he was the only way to get the right to be a part of it. I think that's the only way to get the right to be a part of it. I think that's the only way to get the right to be a part of it.

I think that's the only way to get the right to be a part of it. I think that's the only way to get the right to be a part of it. I think that's the only way to get the right to be a part of it. I think that's the only way to get the right to be a part of it. I think that's the only way to get the right to be a part of it. I think that's the only way to get the right to be a part of it. I think that's the only way to get the right to be a part of it. I think that's the only way to get the right to be a part of it.

I think that's the only way to get the right to be a part of it. I think that's the only way to get the right to be a part of it. I think that's the only way to get the right to be a part of it. I think that's the only way to get the right to be a part of it. I think that's the only way to get the right to be a part of it. I think that, yeah. And he's, what is his name? The guy who's the TV pitchman in, what's the Darren Arnowski movie where they're all on drugs? Requiem for a drug? Yeah. And he played Word Cleaver

and they'll leave it to be a movie? Mm-hmm. Damn, what's his name? I don't know. Good thing we don't have IMDb. I have, we have a more. Mine's already open to Assassin's Creed. Anyway, the point is,

Callum, he keeps going back in these memories and he sees his ancestors, sees his ancestor finally, defeat Takamata and get the leader of the acquisition and get the apple back. And he decides that you know what? He's not gonna help these guys anymore and starts being clear to me and Mary and Coatyard that her dad Jeremy Irons was never really interested in her research, but just

wanted to help it use it to find the apples that the Templars could take over the world. And Christopher McDonald Christopher McDonald. Christopher McDonald. Okay. Go back. Thank you for for finding that. It would have bothered me. Till the end of the world.

Long story short, there's a revolt at this space jail where all the plans are their fighting powers. Yeah, the plan to find the descendants of assassins, a which I would think that assassin is a career that wouldn't leave a lot of time for raising a family, but I guess as luck would have it, these were very fertile assassins. And then, so much like Johnny Assassin's seed who roamed America having sex with women

for an assassin assassin babies behind. So for some reason, collecting all these violent people and then having them learn all the assassin abilities from their past lives, was a bad idea. It would be given their magic traditional weapons. So that's a thing, like during this, this is a big action sequence. And this is also the moment where a lot of these, like characters get to do a lot of cool jumps

and flips and stuff. Now, at the same time, there's a lot of smoke bombs going off. So it continues the movie's trend of action scenes that are very smoky and shadowy. So you can't really tell who's doing what? The, but like, there's something about the fact that clearly, they are so much better than the people they're fighting. And there's been nothing up to this point that feels like they're genuine like, they feel like they're in jail,

but they don't feel like they're like genuinely mistreated. It's not like when the evil warden gets it in Shawshank redemption. No, but their freedom has been taken away. You know, it's like, kind of. Even a, even a, even a beautiful cage is still a cage. But I mean, there's a way to do that

and make a person feel that way. The movie does not really stress that much. How bad they have. Oh no, I mean, it looks like what I, as a disturbed teenager, always imagined like going to a sanitarium might be, where it's like, oh, I just get to do whatever I want all day and I have no responsibilities.

Oh, this is great. This seems fine to me. Luckily, I never followed through on that idea. I just get to do whatever I want all day and I have no responsibilities. Oh, this is great. This seems fine to me. Luckily, I never followed through on that idea. Did not. And did not pretend to be crazy to get into sanitarium because that's a one way ticket to getting suffocated by a big Native American before he throws a water frown through a window.

That's what happens if you're pretend to be crazy to get into a sanitarium, right Dan? You're really making it sound like the Native American was the problem in this equation. Not at all. Look, the problem was a non-crazy person trying to get in there and expecting to come out okay.

Yeah. Oh, also his brain got taken out before we got something. Yeah, that's right. Nurse Ratchet took his brain. Hey, maybe that's for you know what? That nurse is totally Ratchet. Yeah. Is that where they came from? I'd probably not, but maybe, I don't know. I. Is that where they came from?

I'd probably not, but maybe I don't know. I don't know where slang comes from. Who am I? The doctor slang? Who is Dan? Is that a real Batman villain? Because we established in the earlier episode. I don't know the Batman villain.

Is that a Dr. John parody? This is Dr. Shoal's parody. I have a blank answer. Sure. There's a doctor slang back in the 70s. I have a 10 answer. Sure, there's a doctor slaying back in the 70s. He was like, Batman, I think it would be really groovy if he would die. The power of slaying. You only commit slaying related crimes.

How would that manifest? In deaf leprosal of slaying. He would break into whenever Doc's for English dictionary was inducting a new word into the dictionary that year. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, It's language. It's language. I can go for a nice open face hot slang. Anyway, while in this final fantasy, not the video game, the same name, this final memory. Fast Bender does another one of these big jumps and he jumps so hard that the machine breaks and he's able to get out and all the ghosts of the old assassins from his past start talking to him including his mom I guess yep, and they tell him you're an assassin. There's no such thing as truth yada yada yada etc All these assassins escape and Jeremy Irons has already left because things are in a bad way there then we cut to The Templars are getting together for some kind of conference and Jeremy Irons seems to be receiving an award of some kind.

Well, they figured out after Michael Fassman or went back through time, that he had his ancient self had given, Aguilar had given Christopher Columbus the magical Easter egg. Now, and we all pointed out that there were a lot easier ways to dispose of the Easter egg. They're on a boat. Just throw that thing overboard. Just give it to fucking guay here in the Eagles, dude. Yeah, with Tom Bombadil. Just sticking in a fucking Tom Bomb and mall whole thing, dude. Or just like hit it with hammers until it breaks.

Yeah. Like what? Like they're never really, they're never, they're really seeing that would have been where he's like, keep this with you, be buried with it. And then it cuts to the next day where he's on deck. And there's just like some idiots smashing it with, with the amateurs. No, because they're never really clear on how the Apple works or what it really is that it's implied at some kind of advanced technology left by an even earlier civilization that destroyed itself or maybe by, as we mentioned, some kind of bionic transformer, God.

Yeah, the wild world or something. But instead, like, just burn it. Just like do get rid of it. Throw it in a volcano. I don't know. Just do. I don't know. Like have an animal swallow it.

Yeah. Two misvolcanoes. I don't know. I don't know, like, have an animal swallow it. Yeah, I'm not going to, Ms. volcano. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Like, at least in order the rings, they're like, we have to destroy this thing, right? It's not like this ring is incredibly evil and it can destroy everything. So I guess hold on to it until you die, you know? Yeah, I mean, what he should have done

was he should have written a shitload of clues and stuck them all over Washington, DC and hit it somewhere. Ha, ha, yeah, I mean what he should have done was he should have written a shitload of clues and stuck them all over Washington DC and somewhere Yeah, sure and we could learn about American history. Yeah, we go on an amazing mystery adventure Exactly which at that point wasn't even history as American future. That's what would have been exciting That's what's so amazing is he's like The great experiments about to begin He's like the great experiments about to begin. The great emancipator laid his head here, of course, Lincoln's home in Springfield, a

little anoy. I'll just wait for the United States to form and then Springfield to be founded and Lincoln to live there so I know which house was his. It's an unfortunate choice of imagery to have Christopher Columbus be the guy going to the new world, bearing the apple of knowledge. I'm going to fuck off the idea that he is now that the avatar of liberty and freedom, I guess, and free thought, and I assume what comes with it

is people not being forced to live by belief systems they don't agree with, is yeah, Christopher Columbus, the devastating of native worlds, a harbinger of Catholic forced conversion, but anyway, that we might be reading more into history than Assassin's Creed really wants us to. Anyway, they go to this big employee of the month event that the Templars are throwing. Yeah, the one that seems to not be staffed by anybody. There's no security or ticket takers anywhere. More concessions.

Yeah, that's a good point. Where you gonna get a hot pretzels. So the assassins walk in in hoose. You go there, you want them cheese sticks because they're delicious. You gotta have a couple different Duncan sauces. Maybe there's just good old fashioned cattle corn, you know, get a sack of that.

Mm, sweet and savory you got a You got to buy one of those light up swords for the kids Yeah, they see another kid waving it around and you're like that thing's gonna break You're not even gonna want it tomorrow, but I want it now fine. How much is it $35? Are you kidding me? Well, they got to make they got to make a good profit on that shit I'm the yeah yeah cuz they're out They're not already over charging me on the tickets

The $10 total kettle corn for five minutes of Jeremy Irons waving around some fucking metal Testicle you found your paper weight that in sense comes out of thanks Jeremy Glad I paid for the ticket got glad I bought a robe for this So he walks into this room full of Templars, and there's all these moving spotlight on them, and it looks for all the world lights like, ladies and gentlemen, your 2017 Templar Jeremy, Ours!

Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, You're supposed to wait till the music stops to get to that part. Dan, can you give him a yellow card for that? Oh man, there's my second one. I guess I'm going to miss a game next week. Unfortunately, but you still get orange slices.

Oh, great. Maybe I get to slap people's butts. Yeah, orange slices, the official snack of soccer for some reason. So you're going to say Stuart. I was going to say, you know, when you're at medieval times and you goodbye, that's why I'm saying it. I love where you're going already. Didn't know but love it already.

So when you're at medieval times. So is this less about the movie watched and more about over-priced things? I'm gonna get there, it's gonna go away back around. Take us down the path, my friends. So I don't know where our destination is, but I'm with you for the ride. Yeah, yeah, buckle up.

So when you're at a medieval times, now not when you fall through a time portal into medieval times. No, no, no. You're saying a medieval times restaurant and fake dungeon establishment. Yeah, okay. So your headwear options for purchase,

uh-huh, your only real choice. Unless, now this is based almost exclusively on the tournament of kings at the Excalibur in Las Vegas. But your only headwear options are like our princesses hat or a Viking helmet. And what I ask you is, that isn't a Viking helmet is in period appropriate for medieval times.

Now you have to assume that someone found one of those. I don't know. Uh, it just, uh, well, when you come in, like somebody that works in medieval times or somebody in medieval times, like you washed up on the beach and they're like, uh, dragons tooth. There was, there was a normal average seaweed, like moss collector, who just scraping moss off of the... And industry that was decimated by industrialization.

Oh, sure, because a machine could scrape that moss 10 times faster. He's just shuffling along the rocks at the end of the water. He washed me moss, he washed me. Stuffing it into his filthy sack that he can give to his children later to just gorge on. Shuffling along the rocks at the end of the order, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh bits of gold to that he can buy more ashes and grime. And he's the need to be able to pay for his daughter's dowry. He can't use more moss. No, because the moss market is super saturated now. And one of these Viking helmets just washes up

and he's like, what is this sniff sit, takes it, tries to chew on it, doesn't know what it is. And that thinks it's a god for a little while and worships it. And then finally, a knight, or maybe some kind of educated priest wanders through, and identifies it as belonging to the raiding people of the North. Oh, oh, to be a fly in the wall of that conversation.

When they injure the temple of the Hellness, filled with moss people. Filled with moss people. Look, priest, priest, father, father, proof that God wears a hat. No, no, my son, God does not wear hats. God allows his flowing long male locks to fall where they may. And that is why the night comes because his hair covers the sun. What be the moon then? The moon is dandruff and the stars are smaller dandruff

in the hair of the creator, allowing you to see that helmet. It is a tizan idolatrous thing to do here. You are heathens now and you shall be burned. Yes, thank you. Okay, it's good. Strangely. For the outside observer, it appears that this moss farmer's, his lexicon. I think farmer is a little, is a little overreaching in terms of the knowledge he has.

But his grasp of the language has increased ten times since finding the helmet. Oh, no, well, that's the thing. What it turns out is that the helmet does have magical properties because it belongs to, of course, Vocabulous. The best spoken of the Vikings who had a Roman name for some reason. All right. Now, Vocabulous didn't really like all the violence that came with rating. He just wanted to write books.

And his longest book, The Eda, is set down, you know, the myths and legends of the Nordic people. So Dan, so the movie ends when Jeremy Irons gives his speech and he's like, I found the apple, everybody, and he starts opening it up and smurping it. It's coming out. They're flipping their shit. And they're like,

and you also kind of see not only are all the Templars wearing hoods, like what the fuck, dude? What's like, who's the real hood? Yeah, I'm the real dog? And, but then, then, Aguilar. Except not Aguilar. It's a cow dressed as Aguilar.

Yeah. Shows up, and Mary on Cotyard is horrified that her father doesn't really care about ending violence at all. He just wanted the apple to take over the world. But then cow shows up and he says to her, like, I'm gonna take care of this. And then he uses the other power that Aguilar had, which was the ability to suddenly jump

invisibly over large groups of people to end up where he needs to be at the moment. He appears where he needs to be. He's like, he's a Jason. He's like Jason. If he was night crawler, I'd be like, yeah, of course, BAMF and he's there, little smell of brimstone, and he's there.

But instead, he just kind of shows up behind Jeremy Irons, slashes, Jeremy Irons throat, and the Templars, who up onto this point, were just on the verge of ruling the world, scatter to the winds. Yeah, but without a much of a sense of urgency, there's just, yeah, they're a little bit like, they're out to come outside.

The home team is losing as well, get out of the door. We beat the, they look like people leaving a Broadway show. Oh, that's the worst. When people leave before the show is over, yeah, and they're like, the Broadway, the actors are finishing last song and some old asshole gets up and is like,

I guess Matilda's got magic powers. I've seen it. I get it. Love Congress. All I don't need to wait to leave this play. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. The farmer and the Calvin should be friends. I understand the idea. Yeah. That's pretty much the idea. Yeah. And then Hamilton did whatever lived a happy life forever. I don't need to see the rest of the play. Dolly will never go away again. I understand. There's a guy. There's a forever. I don't need to see the rest of the play. Doll, you'll never go away again. I understand. There's a guy, there's a doll, I get it. Problem solved, I'm outta here.

Anything goes in this new world, I understand what's happening. The judge is gonna sit down, Sweeney Todd's gonna give him a good shave and to story their friends now. I don't need to see the rest. What's done is done. I'm going to miss understand. What's this? A sword fight?

I'm sure Hamlet's going to win. He's the hero of the movie. It's in the day. It's in the tie of the movie. It's a play. I don't know. So one of there's been three hours of an action. Two hours is time.

I'm sure they're going to run. I'm sure they're going to arrest this calm music man and throw him in jail. Where he belongs. Well, we've got to go. I'm late they're gonna arrest this con music man and throw him in jail where he belongs. Well gotta go. I'm late for something and this Glen Gary and Glen Ross characters haven't even showed up yet. Time for me to leave. The salesman dies. It's in the title. I don't have to stick around. Gotta go. I'll tell you this. Morning doesn't become a lecturer. I outie. I'll tell you this, morning doesn't become a lecturer. I outie. All right. I sat through so much of Aunt Dan. How much of lemon am I going to have to sit through?

I'm out. So while Sean played. Anyway, Mary and Coatyard, she says, I want, I'm going to get revenge on. I get it. It's your town. Not much to look at. That's such a trench in our town joke. Mary and Kotear and her father's been killed and she vows revenge cut to cow is already halfway

across the city, perched on a building Batman style just looking out at nothing and an eagle that we've seen swooping by all the time because half this movie is shots of Eagles swooping by over cities. Swooped by and he is about to jump again off this tower when cut to black, cue hip hop. Part of it's like I fucking get it dude Batman's awesome. Like Batman's fucking sweet. Don't fucking constantly rip off Batman. And's like we have what those. Don't do a Batman without what makes Batman cool. Like a fucking coat of honor, right? That's what makes Batman cool.

But Assassin's, what's so cool about them is they don't have, I mean, we just watched an asrael movie basically. Yeah, yeah, yeah, except his wrist blades are on the bottom side of his wrist. Yeah, yeah. And they aren't like on fire, what was that? Asrael's blades were kind of always on fire, anybody wore a hood. That was one of his wrist. Yeah. And they aren't like on fire. What was that? As real blades were kind of always on fire.

Anybody wore a hood? That was one of the first band and stories I read because. And it was the first band and stories I remember reading because I was a Marvel kid. Oh, yeah. And that as real was like a very Marvel style DC character. He was a real attempt at that kind of character.

It was, I mean, he was DC kind of trying to show you why those characters are not good, why Marvel's drools and DC rules, which is not the case, it's actually the opposite. But yeah, Dan, I think we just watched the stealth pilot from an Ezreal movie series. And I take, you feel, take an advantage of by that. So is it time for final judgment?

It is time for final judgment. It is time for final judgment. Final judgments. There we say whether it was a good bad movie, a bad bad movie or a movie you kind of liked. Final judgments to where what do you have to say? You know, I went into this open. It was going to be a good goofball romp. I knew that the real sex bars. A lot of slamming doors. But the only door that slammed was my enthusiasm for this movie because a lot of slamming mores. That's, uh, yeah, I think there was. So more. More a. That was the sound of me putting down my glass in disgust. Yeah. All

right. So social mores, you mean smores. And I would like, I would not like some more of that, please. Anyway, I'm sorry, Dan, I'm getting a little too real. Stuart. Yeah, so no, this this movie wasn't very good. I don't recommend it. It's crazy. So if you want a movie that is crazy, but tastes itself very seriously, you can watch this,

but I would not recommend it. It's very slow and very like, yet takes itself, it's very hushed and that it takes itself super seriously like we're really watching a battle between freedom and slavery here with these epic figures and we we really gotta give, you know what? We gotta treat this video game series with the respected deserves. But it's weird, because I think they change all the names of people, which makes one wonder like,

I mean, I guess the attraction of the series is the idea that you're going back in time to play an assassin, but like, I guess the characters, or like if their names aren't important, what's important? I mean, what is important, Elliot? I don't know.

I mean, this movie was kind of the anti-USA, and that characters were not welcome. Yeah, that was a bad bad move. I hated it. The end. I love forget me nuts. I'm Jesse. I'm Jordan. And we've been doing Jordan Jesse go for almost 10 years now.

And it's not gotten any easier to describe. So we asked our fans to do it for us. Jordan Jesse go is a weekly conversation with two best pals, two hilarious friends, the hilarious smart kids talking about hilarious stuff that happens to them. I'm mostly really stupid stuff. Aquaradant, and it goes insane tangents, heartfelt stuff. It's like being thrown in the middle of a hilarious conversation between you and your best pals. It's a show that makes me laugh every week, which is pretty rare and wonderful.

It might be the best thing on the internet. One of the funniest things you will hear. And it's the best part of my week and has kept me company for the past seven years through all sorts of lights. I love those guys. That's Jordan Jesse Go, the comedy podcast that's been named Best of iTunes. Every Monday on MaximumFund.org or your favorite podcasting software. I love you and kiss you and love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. But now it's time to give some love to our sponsors.

The flop house is sponsored in part by Zippercruder. I'm giving kisses to Zippercruder. Are you hiring? Yeah. Do you know where to post your job to find the best candidates? Sure don't. Posting your job in one place isn't enough to find quality candidates.

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and post individually. I can just do it all through zippercrooter.com. Now if I go to zippercrooter.com slash first, I'll get how much? You can try it for free. For free? Yeah. For free? Yeah. For free posting?

Free. To all those places? Yeah. Sir, if you were trying to post this job individually to all the sites, you would be a chump. A little harsh, but fair. Tries it for good or instead? Don't be a chump.

Be a chimp. Chimp's note, it only takes one click to do it. It's so easy, even a caveman could do it. Is that slogan available? Oh boy, we are on thin legalized right now. As long as we're not on thin denti nice, too minty. But, Stuart is saying his head, he will brook it. Don't care for this, he will brook none of your buffoonery.

Yeah, he will not sanction your buffoonery. He will not allow it. So, Blue Apron is our other sponsor tonight. They are a, for less than $10 per person per meal. Abandoned that first sentence going to the next one. What are they doing? Blue delivery service. I started talking before I knew what I was going to say and I decided no, that's not the way to get into things. They're food delivery service for less than $10 per person

for meal. Blue apron delivers seasonal recipes along with pre-portional ingredients to make delicious home-cooked meals. You could get at home, but they've already done the portions and they give you all the instructions. So you don't have to worry about measuring anything, my least favorite part of cooking. And you know when you get food delivered and you ordered food for yourself, but there's like three sets of chopsticks in there

and you're like, fuck you. You don't have to feel that way because they've already portioned that your ingredients. And they're probably throw away extra chopsticks. Finally. Yeah, I actually give them a Viking funeral when they come to my home. And then the helmet washes up on the shore and the lowly muscle after it finds it cycle begins anew.

He's glued. Well, it's less than $10 for a personal permeable. It's fresh ingredients. They've got lots of exciting dishes. Here's my favorite part. Let me give you some of those dishes. Okay, lay it on me. Lay some dishes on me.

Daddy, yeah. This is Dan's version of these Zaggets sketch from Saturday Night Live. Spanish and fresh mozzarella pizza with olives, bell peppers, and ricotta salata. Sounds good. Sweet and sour salmon with bok ch, bell peppers, and ricotta salata. Sounds good. Sweet and sour salmon with bok choy carrot

and ginger fried rice. Parmesan crust. The skewers like it apparently. Parmesan crusted chicken with creamy fettuccine and roasted broccoli. That sounds fantastic. That's right up your alley, it's alley. That's right up, I would eat that right now.

Hand it to me down. Are you holding back? Baby broccoli and fountina paninis. No, no, I like the way you said. Fountina paninis with hard boiled egg and a roo-gola salad. May that be too hard boiled eggs. Hey, listen. And one duck egg.

What is it? No, what night of the opera? Check out this week's menu. I get your first three meals free with free shipping by going to blue apron dot com slash flop house blue apron dot com slash flop house blue apron. How many meals free? Three meals three meals three and free rhymes.

You know, it's good. Yeah, so build yourself beautiful. That's the that's an old slogan for a different sponsor. You know, think it the, that's an old slogan for a different sponsor. You know, I think it the shoe fits. It does not. And it's an apron. And you know what that apron says, Dan?

It that, that bluerin, it says kiss the cook. And you know who the cook's gonna be you. So kiss yourself. Mm-hmm. You earned it. Go kiss yourself. Go kiss yourself. Just get up, find a mirror and just start kissing

your own image. Yeah, just get right in there. Kiss your face. You know, you want to. Haven't you ever wondered about it? How good a kisser you are from the other side? Yeah. Just do it. And you know what? You're all alone. Do whatever you want. Get crazy. No, no, no, no, it's not. Yeah, put some UB 40 on the sound on the stereo. I'm the soundtrack. Just follow your follow your body wherever it leads. Follow your bliss. Straight to blue apron. Stop. Stop. Follow your bliss. Straight to blue apron. Stop your abs, Lash Laufas.

You look like you got something to say. I got something to read off of the great jumbo tron. TIE above the floppos. Oh, my eyes are blinded from the glory of the jumbo tron. This, oh, my eyes can make out some words. I'm reading them now. Continue to narrate. This message is for Gina Radcliffe.

The message is from some Steve's slack pals and flappers. Says this. Hey, kiddo. Here's a shout out to you, a great writer, and one of the best murder podcasters. We are so lucky to have you as our internet friend. You're smart, funny, and kind, heart emoji. Oh yeah, and Patrick too. There you have it. I like how heart felt so many of these gem-boy messages are. Mm-hmm. A little contrast to the asshole that we probably do.

If I was sending, if I was buying jimbo-term messages, it would just be sick burns and trolling of people that I know. And I'm going to jump in here and say, I know that Gina Radcliffe, she deserves that heart of Moji. Oh, that's really nice. Dan, I've got something to say. Yeah. I just wanted to remind people that still on sale through our website is your comic book

story, Cosmic Bowl. The first of the flop has fun in comic book stories. Oh, Dan is so enthusiastic about his work. And that all proceeds go to the ACLU. We've already raised more than $2,000 to donate to them. That's crazy. And anymore would be great. And this time it's a needed organization, as it always is.

That would be nice. I have assumed we would barely be able to pay the artist. No, but we were able to pay the artist and then more so. So thanks to everyone who bought it and read it, hope you liked it. And for new people, please pick it up and get ready for more flop house comic stories. Yeah, because it did well, it means more is on the way. Yeah. I thought that while you're going to say what you were going to say was

the other jumbo tron, the one that I sent to you. When did you send it to me? Well, I like it's going to look for that. Dan, let's vamp for a second. Man, this is the part of the show. This is the part of the show. I'm going to say something. Sometimes you've given me a jumbo drive to read, Dan. I'm going to say something heartfelt while you guys are goofing around.

I just want to say once again, last episode and the episodes before we were doing the Max Fund drive, it's been a couple of weeks, but we're just totally blown away at the at the amount of new listeners. You guys are the main reason I was able to do this. It means a lot. I missed Dan's email because I don't like Dan. Okay. You have a future. Send all Dan emails into the trash. Yeah, yeah. Not even to spam. Just straight to trash.

This one. That's it. Okay. So here's, I do like Dan. That was just a joke. Let's not start any Dan Elliott feud things. I only have feuds with a few people, Justin McElroy, and a couple of others.

Anyway, this is a message for Addy and Hero, and it's from Amalignign and the message goes as follows. Double Happy Birthday to my fantastic family and fellow flop house fans. To my sister Addy, you are awesome and I wish the best for you this next year. And to my nephew, Hero, I can't believe you are 9 years old. You rock. A lot of love from Amalign. Oh, it's very nice.

Very sweet. Happy Birthday to all and to all of the good nights. Oh, it's very nice. Very sweet. Happy birthday to all and to all of good nights. We did it. Now what do we do on this podcast, Dan? This is the part of podcast where we read letters from listeners. Okay. Listeners like you. Like who? Like you. Like me? Like you. Like him? Like him. Like them? Like them. There's a lot of great listeners out there, like you and him, and them and we, and us and she, and all the people at NBC, I assume, give us a show. Lots of listeners that write us letters, they pour on him in big old sacks with lots of facts

and questions for us to answer. I'm sorry these people might have cancer but they didn't tell us that so I'm assuming they don't look it's a Schrodinger's cat type of situation, whether they do or not, across this whole nation. If you don't know that something bad's happening to someone, then there's a 50-50 chance that it is. You won't find out until they tell you it's possible they won't tell you till they smell you. So, Bath, people will trust you more if you do. This message is brought to by the Cleanliness Council.

If you want to know if your friends are having a serious health problem, Bath, and they'll trust you more to keep it a secret if they smell clean on you. That song really ended up far away from where it began. Yeah, it was a real picker-esque journey through the dark heart of America. This letter is from Keda, like easy writer. This letter is from Keda last name withheld. And it goes, I was wondering where you're gonna go with that

and you did not disappoint. I was like, there's no way that Ellie can come up with anything for Keda. And I was proven wrong. Because of my love of bugs that sleep for 17 years before they come out and make noise and everything. And then they leave these super dope shells that look like fucking garthum. Yeah, they're really cool and I loved them as a kid I would collect them.

And then my mom would throw them out, which she was right to do. What was I going to do with them? Yeah, snag on them. Kater writes, I'm currently a law student in Ottawa, Canada. And after I finished my first year, I decided to finally watch the much recommended film, the paper chase. Do they say first year or year first? Well, she says first year. I'm gonna say year first.

Because they say grade one, like grade nine or whatever. And so the ninth grade. Go on. Yeah, it's a crazy mirror world. Where up is down and left is right. I think it tastes like celery. I decided to finally watch the much-recommended film, The Paper Chase. Although taking place in the 70s, it is in many ways a very accurate representation of the stress and some of the, let's say, interesting people you may encounter at law school.

So my question for you is, is there any movie you think as a surprisingly accurate depiction of your respective fields or areas of interest? Thanks again, Kate, a last name with it. Oh. Paper Chase is a good movie. Yeah. There's a lot of backstage kind of movies and television shows, but most of them about comedy have been pretty bad.

It's weird. Comically bad. How many shows about the making of TV and movies are not in any way accurate about that process when the people making them, you know how that stuff works. Yeah. Because it's their profession. It may be realism is in their goal making an entertaining story is. Well, they've usually fail on that account, so I will say this is not a movie.

One show that was very accurate in the broad strokes of what it's like to write on a TV show was Mad Men. Even though it was not about a TV show, there were a lot of things going on in that show where it was like, oh, this is what it feels like to be on the staff of a television show, even though they're on the staff. Yeah, like the dynamics of like a creative environment. Yeah, exactly. Where there's a lot of tension and people want ownership over their work, but can't totally have it. Yeah, the, obviously, I would say if you want to know about podcasters, go watch Tusk.

I haven't seen that movie. I don't know. But I'd say the first movie that comes to mind from bartending cocktail cocktail. You know, it's all about flipping them bottles, getting up, dropping some speeches on people, not serving that many drinks. So what songs do you have pre choreographed dance routines to? That's the thing, like, I feel like people nowadays only like songs from the 50s. Oh, yeah, yeah. Uh, hippie shake. I mean, of course everybody fucking loves that. They laugh it up.

Um, like if I poured in a little doggy dish, they'd get down their knees and they'd lab it up. Um, but, uh, guys, we're serious. I was going to say the Tom Hardy movie, The Drop, with James Gandalfini, except for the inevitable violent stuff. A lot of it is the mundane boringness of being in a neighborhood bar in Brooklyn. And I thought that was pretty cool.

What do you say, Dan? It's a movie that I gave a marginal recommendation to before, don't think twice, I believe it was what was called, the microperbiglia film. About what improv? About improv. Yeah, it's got its weird parts to it. The fact that they're all like super, like super committed group that all like seems to live together Doing improv. I was talking to gangly art Mark Gagliardia about it at the max fund meetup

And he said he like he saw that movie like three times in the theater because it reminded him so much of his like improv experience and his experience auditioning for certain life. No, I think I think it was pretty accurate in terms of what it's like to be a struggling comedic person in a city. So I recommend that one for this question. But to move on, from Jeannie last name withheld. Jeannie? Jeannieheld. Jeannie? Jeannie?

I dream of? I dream of? I dream of. We never had a friend like this letter writer. Ah, okay. Like the song that Jeannie sings in Aladdin. Okay, now as goes your cicada. All of our guests.

Let me, I was kind of not given the opportunity to fully do what originally I was giving Stuart room and he totally nailed it. Excellent jobs too. I could not hope to do better. Jeannie writes, Hi Peaches, my husband and I are big fans and love the fun that the podcast brings into our lives.

Some of our favorite parts are when Ellie and Dan and Stuart make fun of Dan mispronouncing everything, as we are especially guilty of that in our own lives. Making fun of Dan? This is not a good quality possess and that we're both teachers. Whether it be unintentionally saying something offensive or just flat out tripping over our own tongues, it can be a nuisance. We are both choir directors. One of my most memorable moments was when I was rehearsing Carol the bells

with my high school choir. And the last section is when the tenors sing ding dong ding dong. I turned to my tenors section and said very emphatically, guys, don't cut off the dong too soon. Oh, what is this? That's a break. Yeah, that was for you Stuart. Oh, I don't know what I'm going gonna do with this. Let me call my wife to her to clear off a shelf. Thank the Academy. As a choir director, the possibilities for this type of instance are endless. As we've seen in Funky Waker Beat, I don't know if that's high school bands, never mind.

The other day, my husband was rehearsing a tarzan, Medley. I don't know what that would be. I'm gonna guess it's so I the Disney movie Tarzan and not just different gels. We're rehearsing a Tarzan boy. We're rehearsing a Tarzan medley with his sixth grade choir. When telling them the synopsis of the movie he meant to say and then Tarzan was raised by apes. Uh oh. But very unfortunately he said to about 50 kids and then Tarzan was raped by apes. Uh oh. But very importantly, he said to about 50 kids and then Tarzan was raped by apes. Well, that took a good 10 minutes out of glass. At least I'm guessing. Yeah, the parent teacher conferences immediately after. So now the discipline.

I'm not counting. Except for God. I'm not counting. Since you all of you do a lot of speaking in front of crowds with your live shows, do you have any memorable moments when you've had a slip of the tongue or maybe at any point of your life? Dan, please limit to three. Love you guys.

And thanks for the laughs, Jeannie. Last name was held in front of a crowd. Yeah, specifically. Not necessarily. Just a. Okay. Because there are many times I'm sure when I've said words I didn't mean to say, there was the other night.

The I was hosting a screening of in the mouth of madness. My favorite John Carburen movie at the Alamo Drive Test in New York. It was great. And did you say at the mountains of madness and everyone was like, oh my god, the last masterpiece that was never made. The Gilmore Deltoro classic that doesn't exist. Uh, and I meant to say over shot and I think it said over shit. Uh, and like the five year olds in the audience for the late night movie were flipping their wings. He said a bad word. Anyway, showing the movie where the people turn into skinless horrors. I will say that speaking since since your husband accidentally

mis-spoken said that Tarzan was raped by apes, I did once do a live presentation at a show called Kevin Geeks out host of a Kevin, war New York about the tradition in movies of people being raped by gorillas as comedy fodder, or the implied rape of people like gorillas, and how I don't think that's funny, and I think it's really terrible. And it was only as I was walking up to the stage

that I'd give a presentation called Ape Rape, that it ran through my head, wait a second, this might not work. I'm about to say the word rape a lot of times in this presentation, but it worked out pretty well. It was the right room for that presentation, but I know that the nervousness of saying that kind of thing in front of it audience, hoping they'll understand. And don't worry, LA in 2017, Dave Chappelle would go on to release a special that features the word rape a ton. Yeah, but that doesn't really help me feel better about it.

Now, this isn't something I said, but I remember when I was in high school reading an issue of why I'm magazine. And there's that, sure, there's that. Because he was young and modern. Yeah, exactly. When we were sitting around the library and our library carried it. And there was, there's that. So were you also like a teen boy who found himself with his friends looking at YM magazine to like learn something about girls? Kinda. I think it was, I was hanging out.

I got to sit at the library table with like the cool kid. Uh-huh. I think I was hanging out with my friends Brian Boltzel and his friend Aaron Hughes who had older brothers. So you know, of course he's cool. And so he, he was the one who picked up the YM magazine and in my head I'm like, that's not for me to look at, that's for girls. Uh, obviously I have become a much more progressive human since the...

Sorry, yeah, you're retconned, boss. But there was a, I think it was in the say anything section, which is when people like write in and tell stories where they misspoke. And my favorite one was still where the young lady in the story was telling an instance where she was at a pharmacy and was trying to buy some candy and the person at the counter was a handsome man and

When he asked her what she wanted is she said Reese's penis instead of Reese's pieces. Oh boy. How embarrassing. Oh the laughs I had in that library. That was his name Reese That would be get doubly off his name was Kyle resell it and he came here from the future He came here from the future to save the future to save the future because Terminators trying to kill John so he needed to get a job temporarily Oh, yeah to support himself for a little bit because he went he overshot went back too far And it was long before John Conner's We can't wear one trench coat all the time Elliott that. That's crazy. He had to buy multiple trench coats.

I mean, to buy any clothes, he came in from the future naked. So he just walked into that 7-11 or whatever it was nude, got the job because they needed someone badly because the other guy called it sick. I mean, I said pharmacy, I think that's a stretch to call it a 7-11. I forgot.

I think it was a counter-recandy as well. Yeah, you're like, is it a 7-11, is it a soda jerk? I'm not sure. I walk you to 7-11's all the time. I'm like, can you fill this prescription, please? It's like sure. Is cheese okay? Luckily, it's a prescription I wrote myself.

It just calls for big gulfs. Okay, because I thought we were going to go on a bit where like Steve Erkel shows up. Bring this for a scripture and he gets a veil of cheese because he's Steve Irkall and he loves cheese Okay, don't worry about it. We'll work on this thing. What what medicine would Steve Irkall be getting like his his like at a roll or something I'm assuming It's something like that. It's a little off to her. Yeah, it's the only thing that allows him to focus when he's building robots of himself Okay, damn this last letter is from Sarah last night with held. Right.

Help me. Yeah. So help me find Kyle Reese. Help me settle a long running argument. If FDR came back as a zombie, what does legs work? Thanks for the best Sarah last night with held. I'm going to say no. No, those muscles were so atrophied in real life.

I can only imagine that decomposition has done them a turn worse. But if you've ever seen, really looked at closely at pictures of him, especially pictures taken around times when he was swimming. They're not that many of them, but you see that his upper body was super built up, because he had to rest almost all of his weight on his arms when everyone needed to move around and his legs are very thin, they're vitro feed. And so the idea that was like an English longbowman in a way, kind of. And so the idea that this upper half could be supported by the lower half, I just don't

buy it. So I'm going to say no. Elliot, with all due respect, you're an idiot. Oh, explain, Dan. If the zombie-ness can re-animate dead tissue, then of course he can re-animate his legs to a degree that he- It's not that the legs need to be re-animated. You're just saying he'd be crawling around

because he can't support his upper body. Yes. His legs still might move, you're saying? I mean, I don't think they would move either. I think those... Yeah, I think that that's where you run into trouble. Maybe I would accept that the legs would be so weak that he could only kick them around like a baby.

And those are the anime. Is it magic? Did a necromancer rise him from the dead? This is a question. Like a virus? Now, if this is some kind of space virus, there's no way. Yeah, no. This is some kind of music-based calypso,

like in Weekend of Bernie's 2, then maybe, yes. Except it would be when he, whenever he heard calypso, music any dance away into the ocean. But if it's like spaceworms like in Night of the Creeps, it could lead to a situation where his legs do work, which is one of the more touching moments of Night of the Creeps when he's hearing his friend talk about how he can walk again after not being able to walk.

But they're not really zombies. Are they in Night of the Creeps? Their bodies have been taken over. They're not reanimated dead. Uh, I mean, there's a lot of dead flesh wandering around, and I mean, I think one's like basically just a skeleton that sounds like a zombie. Hmm, that's a good point. That's a good point I think corrected.

Dan, I still, here's the thing about zombie science. It's still pretty hypothetical because it's not real and doesn't exist. Uh-huh. But I have to assume that the zombie is... You may have how many Reddit boards, they call them boards, Reddit boards. For the Walking Dead television program you may post on. You don't know for sure. I've yet to see a zombie movie where the zombie is more powerful than the person was in real life except for the power of being able to survive dismemberment and

things like that and when you wouldn't be able to in real life. Like if unless it has supers maybe because the zombies like 28 days later move a lot faster than people would be able to move. In the television program, I zombie, she can acquire the traits of people's brains that she eats. Okay. Interesting. She couldn't do that before when she was not a zombie. I'm assuming, actually, yeah, I guess you're right.

I don't know for sure. Once again, we're getting into hypothetical terror story. Naka, anybody who eats a brain might get that. Yeah, you're totally right. And Rogue wouldn't even need to eat a branch. You just need to touch you, Shug. And she'd get all your memories and powers. What did she eat in brain? I mean, I don't know if it should go here. Go fucking post that on on a on a YouTube comment. What if Rogue ate a brand and just see what happens? Throw that message in a model

in the sea and see who picks it up. Just write hello on that dollar bill and buy it someone with it. And see, uh, see where that message lands. Feeling that's a rock. I don't want to just start kicking over. No, I think that's a good point. Might be a zombie underneath it. Dan, you look tired. Yeah, I'm sorry.

But what do we do now? Like a tired little baby wanting his face. Oh, my cold is sapping my energy rapidly. So we should move on to the last segment Which is recommendations of movies that you've seen recently that you enjoyed or maybe not so recently enjoyed I watched a movie that I taped off of better not be the same movie. I don't recommend I think it would be very surprising if it was I taped this movie off of Turner Classic Movies on a whim based on the description and the cast.

Hey, welcome to my world. And what did I do all the time? It was called suddenly. Oh, with Frank Sinatra. Frank Sinatra, I'm Sterling Hayden. Old blue eyes. Yeah, Sterling Hayden, old blue eyes. Sterling Hayden plays a small town sheriff.

Is there any other kind? Well, good question. Or is it a good question now? Not really. He finds out that the president is going to make a stop in his town who's going to get off the train in his town to go drive off to visit a joining town. And. Frank Svatter is in town to try and kill the president. He does a home invasion of a house up on the hill.

I'm of the. Father of the woman that certainly Hayden is kind of sweet on, and there's a hostage situation with Sterling Hayden and the mother and the her young son and an old man. Sorry, I'm really fading now. And it's just a 75 minute long movie, so it keeps it pretty tight. And it's just fun to watch Frank Sinatra be. I assume kind of what Frank Sinatra was like in real life, except for one of the kids of the president, kind of an asshole. Yeah, violent jerk. Violent jerk. But he's kind of electrifying in the role.

And it's just a fun assassination thriller. It happened before JFK got assassinated. There's, there's, I wasn't able to find out whether this was true online or not, but there's talk that the movie was pulled because of the JFK assassination. And that's why it hasn't been seen that much out whether this was true online or not, but there's talk that the movie was pulled because of the JFK assassination, and that's why it hasn't been seen that much since, but it's very good.

It's a lot of fun. I think it was not that successful movie when it came out, just part of it too. Like people say that about the Manchuring candidate, like, oh, Sonatra pulled it after a candidate was assassinated, but it was really, there was a right situation that made it very difficult for it to be really released. Yeah. So that's a fun one. Huh?

Just like a Assassin's Creed, you picked an assassin movie. Oh. I'm gonna pick a movie. You can think about it. It's appropriate. That's not like that at all. Movie have wrist blades in that movie? No, they have an electrified gun.

So what happens when Frank Snatcher uses his animus machine to relive his past histories? Yeah. Yeah, what happens to all the hijinks, such hijinks. Just like Assassin's Creed, full of hijinks. This on the movie I saw is another movie by that master of Indian filmmaking filmmaking such a jeet ray who uh they're so yeah I'm always pronouncing his name wrong I'm sure who I recommended his up who movies not too long ago I guess this one I only saw recently and the Indian title is something like Jalsa Gar but it means or it English it's the music room and it is the story of a kind of the last member of an aristocratic

family, or rather the last kind of like male sion of this aristocratic family that is deteriorating and does not have the money at once had. And he has addicted to two things. One, the respect that comes with being in aristocrat in this very old world style village he lives in and live music played in his music room and he is running through the family money and jewels and everything to keep hiring live musicians and putting on these shows and as a result he drives himself and his family into ruin and yet he cannot seem to break the spell that the need for respect and the need for music have over him. And there's some amazing scenes of just like Indian music performers in the music room. And it's a one of these movies where it's like, you know how it's going to end once it starts, like it's not like the hero's going to have a sudden epiphany and things are going to turn out okay, but it was really good and really well done.

And I found it really powerful. So the music room, the music room. Okay, guys, you got to hear me out. Okay. The movie and we are going to recognize a movie I think I've talked about on this podcast before. Okay. It's a movie called Critters 2.

I want to recommend Critters 2 to you guys. Now is that the one where I don't remember clear. It's the bounty hunter. Yes, is the playboy. Yes. And pulls a staple out of yes. That happens. So critters to critters to is a perfect example of now. This is critters to the main course. The main course. Yep. Of course. Critters to is a perfect example of a sequel that genuinely improves on the first film. The special effects are bigger and better.

It's got some great practical effects. It's directed by Mick Garris. The script was written by... Stephen King's favorite director. Yeah, this script was written by Mick Garris and David Twohy, who would go on to do pitch black and below and the Chronicles of Riddick, you know. So we got, we got some bonafides working on this movie.

It also does feature an amazing performance from Elliott's favorite actor Eddie Deason. Oh, yeah. Big fan. So it's, no, it's great. It's a lot of fun. It's got some great special effects. I totally recommend Critters 2. And I'm also going to throw out another recommendation to a more recent movie that I was

surprised at how much I enjoyed it. My wife and I watched Neighbors 2 the other day, which was a sequel to the South Rogan and who's that Zach Efron comedy. Now they're working together, right? Yeah, and they're working in theory or at least against a sorority that has started up next door. And it manages to be like, first off, for a studio comedy, it has way more laughs than you would expect. And it has a very feminist message

to it, which I was not totally expecting it. Yeah, it's really great. Chloe Grace-Maratz is great. Yeah, it's fun. All right. Three very similar movies. Yeah, the music room. You got critters too. And you got suddenly. Yeah. The really worst to spans the whole spectrum of healing experience. Yep. Whether it's presidential assassinations, the fall of a once great family or critters. The other night I was talking to somebody, and we were talking about critters too,

and I'm like, I'm gonna fucking recommend that. And then I checked on the Flapphouse recommends Wiki, which is lovingly maintained by a listener. And I pulled it up, and I saw that I had not recommended any of the critters movies, and I was shocked. I think I almost dropped my phone. It must be corrected. Yeah, exactly. At that moment of like, what is happened?

But surely you've recommended Dolman versus the demonic toy. At least once. How many of the transers films have you recommended? I don't know. Maybe just one or two, at least cross-worlds, right? I want to check. Check. What about Transure Cop? I don't think I've seen Transure Cop yet. Okay. All right. Well, this is a conversation that can easily take place off air. So we

should wrap it up for the flop. I've been Dan McCoy. I've been steward Wellington. And I'm Elliott Kalen now and forever at the Winter Garden. Good night not everyone. Yeah. Assassin's Creed. Assassin's Creed. It's a Creed for Assassin's. He gets a Creed without read. Meaning like a Thin Reade coming out of water. You know, or you use when you play clarinet da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da Maximumfund.org Comedy and Culture, Artistone, Listener Supported.

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