The Flop House - Ep. #240 - Sicilian Vampire

Episode Date: September 16, 2017

It's Smalltember Small-Stars, with a return to Frank D'Angelo, the Canadian energy drink magnate and bad movie savant behind No Depo$it. This time we discuss his undead Italian saga, Sicilian Vampire. Meanwhile Stuart is on about millennials, Dan poses a salient point about bananas, and Elliott is bound and determined to go through this movie beat-by-beat. Wikipedia page for Sicilian Vampire LIVE SHOWS Oct. 8 – The whole gang in Los Angeles, at the Regent Theater Oct. 21 - The whole gang in Toronto, at the Royal Theater Dec. 9 – The whole gang in San Francisco, at the Marines Memorial Theater

On this episode we discuss Sicilian Vampire. Surgeon General's Warning. Sicilian Vampire breaks down into roughly 95% Sicilian. 5% Vampire. Mamma mia! Hey everyone, welcome to the flop house, I'm Dan McCoy. Ooh, wee! I-I am Stuart Willigan and over here it's Elliot Kaylen. Dan, what are we doing this podcast? Oh wow, jumping right

in. This is a podcast. This movie that we are about to talk about is so nuts so that I kind of don't want to waste time on our usual bullshit where we're just like squawk and he's squawk, deadly dock, here let's get started already. And I'm like, No, no, no, here's a distraction already. And Stuart's like, Yeah, let's keep making fun of Dan. And Dan's like, stop it guys. I don't like that. And I'm like, Yeah, no, it's pretty funny, but I guess we should stop anyway, Dan. What do we do in the podcast? Yeah, you got to do it. To a team. Something else. And then Dan, you start. So I don't even want to waste anybody's time.

Let's just get right into the show. Dan, what do we do? Okay, Dan, now cut that audio. That is our new ad that we're going to run on all other Max. This is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it. And it's September guys, which means that other than ghosts in the shell, which was a mistake, we talk about small. than ghost in the shell, which was a mistake. We talk about small many ways, so many ways. It's small timber. 12 ember.

12 ember. Yeah. Yeah. Where we discuss movies that we and vampire. Moves movies. We normally wouldn't watch movies that normally fall beyond our purview. Wait, wait, wait, guys. You said it's small, Vember. But when I look at the title of the movie, I'm thinking, isn't this more of a shock tober movie? Oh, because it's got a vampire in it. You would be wrong.

There is a posity of shocks in this. Now, let's talk about the small-vember purview. Now, normally on the show, we want to punch up. We don't want to punch down. You know why? Punching up is better for your shoulder muscles. Punching down is actually very hard on your knees. And so, we want to punch up to people who are, you know,

big famous celebs make a lot of money. But every now and then, we want to punch down at some disillusioned, some misguided loser somewhere who decided to pour his own personal bucks into what he thought was going to be a great movie and instead he doesn't know what he's doing and it turns out to be Sicilian vampire. Yeah, spoiler alert, it's not very good. And that misguided guy in this case is Frank D'Angelo who we previously encountered in small timber with no deposit.

Now this I want to announce right off the bat. Now is is punching down hard on your knees because after doing it and getting busted you have to fall to your knees in contrition and hope that people don't get mad at you anymore. Exactly and that falling to your knees can is a lot of wear and tear because you're usually on cobble stones. Oh wow. You're hanging out in the historic district, I guess. But if you don't fall on your knees, you won't hear the angels voices. So you got to do it, according to the song.

Now, Dan, this, I'm going to announce it right off the bat. Dan and Stu, this small Vembr is what I'm terming small Vembr all stars. Yeah. Small Vembr small of fame. Forget all stars. Let's call it small stars. If you know small Vembr small stars or small Vembr small of fame, whichever one you want, they both work. Yeah, listeners write in with your favorite choice and they'll tally up all the letters

we were saying and then we'll throw them in the trash. And it's taking place in your favorite season. We'll print them out. It's in your favorite season. Small. Oh, okay. Yeah, I get it. Smalled them.

Smalled them. Is that autumn? No. Anyway, here's the thing to remember about. So this week it's Frank D'Angelo, who we remember from No Deposit. We shouldn't mention who the other small member, small star is. That'll be interesting. I think people can guess, but we'll keep it some price. People can guess that it's the most brilliant maker

of weird garbage there ever was. But this time we're stuck with Frank Angelo. Now, for anyone who didn't listen to Noteposit, Dan Sue, how would you describe Frank Angelo, other than that he's a super successful Toronto-based beverage magnate. He's a Canadian Mafioso wannabe quadruple threat. Yeah, he writes, he directs, he stars, and he sings.

Yeah, it feels like every movie is a delivery system for a hot new soundtrack full of covers by Frank D'Angelo. I feel like Frank D'Angelo is like, he's like the low budget answer, the Canadian answer to Seth MacFarland. Yeah, okay. Like Seth MacFarland has multiple television shows and movies and it's all just to make it

so that he can get audiences into here. I'm saying standards with big like music shows. It's for the Angelo. And as Stuart pointed out, he usually mixes the songs louder than his own dialogue. I would call them competing soundtracks. The exciting thing about No Deposit was that wasn't it that when you order the DVD it comes in just a bonus disc that comes with the soundtracks. That's right. Yeah. Because at heart he's singer. At heart, he's a wannabe gangster. Yeah, I feel like about him. I feel like Seth MacFarland, like his whole career is this complicated plan so that

he can host the Tonys. Oh, yeah. I mean, he probably has hosted the Tonys. I don't actually pay enough attention to stuff, but I feel like everything he does, okay, did he? How have I forgotten that already? You remember he's saying that song about actresses who's boobs, he's like, Oh yeah, that was horrible. Okay, so moving on, now that we're done talking shit about people, let's talk about this movie.

That was weird, that was a sponsor spot for the Orville, which premieres tonight, Sunday, September 10th on Fox. Hey guys, you ever wanted to see Star Trek and thought, I wish there were like a couple jokes scattered throughout the show, the Orville, starting Seth McFarlane on Fox. Do you want to see a funny version of Star Trek, but not as good as Galaxy Quest? Do you want to see a movie that probably makes the pilot

that I wrote impossible to sell? Watch the Orval. Well, what's a TV show, not a movie? Yeah, no, no, the pilot. What, no, I know. I wrote that Star Trek pilot. No, you ever want to see a movie? Oh, okay.

Well, whatever. I don't care. It's okay, people understand. At least 50% of your burn made it through Okay. Well, whatever. I don't care. It's a big deal. I understand. At least 50% of your burn made it through Ellen's web of blocking. That's true. Good point.

Through the cheese cloth that surrounds me. Dan, I want the listeners to create a family crest for you and then Latin, the slogan is, well, whatever. Okay, guys, I didn't want to waste any time, but we've wasted it. Let's talk about Sicilian vampire starring, directed, written by and music by and produced by Frank DeAngelo, which literally means Frank of the Angels. Does he sing like an angel? You better believe it. Let us say that golden pipes, but that's not what we hear right away. I like this. I want it like my notes for this movie,

even though almost nothing happens in it are very extensive. So let's get in there. This could be a long episode, okay? So I'm assuming first we're going to talk about the poster for the movie that has some kind of weird image on it that every time I look at it, it gives me a headache and I start getting nauseous. I'll get to that because it's the logo of it in terms of,

it's weird that the logo for the movie has Frank D'Angelo's face in it. And it also has like a triple, it's one of those triskely and running leg symbols like the Isle of Man's, not like I think it is. And it has none of that, that never makes sense. It's just he wanted to, it looks vaguely spooky, I guess. It looks like the description of a demon that you would read in like part of the Bible

that you forgot about. And you're like, wait, that's supposed to be scary. It's a frog with a crown on it. And then a pair of four pairs of bird wings instead of legs. That sounds adorable. Yeah. I want to be like that guy. Okay. So let's start from the very beginning, by which I mean the production logo. We open with the production logo for his company in your ear productions, which is like kind of cheap looking

see how it works over a city. Oh, look at that, it sounds like an insult. Like in your ear. In your ear. What's it, it feels like he is pouring the movie into your ear against your will, like you're strapped to a chair. Yeah. And the movie is like his pee or something. I don't know, he's movie into your ear against your will, like your strap to a chair.

And the movie is like his pee or something. I don't know, he's pouring into your ear. It's gross. Then we go to a cemetery. There's a voiceover from Frank D'Angelo and his mobster voice, but how life is all about timing. Life can change in a moment. And he's Sicilian and family is the most important thing to him.

And there's this soulful, moral music, as he, in slow motion, walks into frame and sits on a tombstone. And he tells us, hey, I'm gonna tell you a story. You judge for yourself if it's true. And then bam, strobe effect. And then he goes, I don't want nobody to think I'm crazy. And then you cut to the title, which again has his face in the logo, which is crazy.

Even Indiana Jones' face is not in the logos for his movies. Like, can you think of a single logo that has the stars face in it that's crazy ultra man maybe the Phantom like I don't know maybe the well or like the mask like these are all characters with like character faces it's not just a dude's face like like Jason Voorhees basically Jason would be in a Friday of 13th movie. Exactly. It's the bad guy's face is usually in the logo. That's what it is. Yeah. But is there a Jason Voorhees in this movie? No. No way. No,

maybe James Connson it. Yeah. There's a lot of stars. James Con, Darrell Hannah, Paul Serovino, Robert Loja, Robert Dauvey, everyone's in this movie. Eric Roberts, Eric Roberts, Daniel Baldwin, Michael Pere, Armando Sante. All of the people that you remember from having second billing roles in the 90s are here. Armada Santé was the star of fatal instinct. Armada Santé was the star of the TVO disc odyssey thing. All right. Remember he played Odysseus, dude. Yeah.

Yeah. Come on, the greatest hero in Greek, whatever. The smartest guy for ten to be an old guy so he could kill a bunch of guys who were trying to sleep with his wife. Yeah, with his super tough bow and arrow. Yep. All right. Thanks for recapping Greek stories to me.

The man so brilliant that when a cyclops asked him who he was, he said, uh, nobody and then left. What a, what a brilliant con artist. Anyway, we cut to, it's the New York skyline. And what song is playing? I'm just a jiggle. Oh, get used to this song because you are going to hear it 70,000 times throughout the episode. And on the, on the titles, you see the credits with what I can only call a parade of big names who should have known better

Many of the cast members of no deposit also make an appearance in this. Yeah, like a second I art art hindle art hinkle the guy who yeah the guy who made the proclamation in no deposit I gave up my brother for pussy brother for pussy. Oh, so and me and there's three guys are just in a car driving along, staying along to I'm just a jiggle out. There's who the guys there's Armando Santé, there's what Michael Perry and then this other guy. Yeah, yeah, some guys like the like the jerk of the group like the easily.

He's like the he's the little weasley guy with glasses nobody likes but i don't know why they hang out with him but these are the guys you know these are friday angelo's boys anyway they're singing long time just a jiggle for a long time the yellow at the weasley guy that said you can't sing and then we cut to a friday angelo trademark frank angel waking up in bed next to a woman and then immediately arguing with her uh... it's his it's hismelina, played by Darryl Hannah.

And a dark wig to make her Italian. It's like, she's playing what Darryl Hannah's character, if I had to describe her and I will. I would call it like, it's like the real housewives of Long Island, Adam's family addition. If Morticia Adams was a real housewife on TV, like this would be Darryl Hannah's character. And all she does, all movie, is cook food for Frank and talk to him about food.

All the lists of Italian foods. Like, it's like she just starts reading a menu to him throughout the movie at different points. And she does almost all of it while looking at the ground or with the wig completely covering her eyes. She is very much trying to hide the fact that she's in this movie as opposed to Paul Sorvino who shows up later with a little hat on.

But anyway, we'll get to him. Frank D'Angelo picks up an already poured glass of whiskey from his bedside table. That's right. I guess he poured it before he went to bed knowing he'd need a little to pick me up. You mean that bottle of Johnny Walker blue that is in so many shots? And I guarantee you is the only bottle they had and they just kept moving it from scene to scene and refilling it with I'm guessing iced tea. Yeah.

Has to be. Uh, he's going up to, uh, seems Frank, his character's name is Santino or Sonny, which you may remember as the name of James Khan's character from the Godfather, and that's where the similarities end. He's going up for his annual trip to the cabin with the boys, and he has this weird conversation with his wife where she acts as if she's flirting with him, but his responses are all genuinely mean, like he's just really mean to her. She's like, oh, don't get too wild up to the cabin.

He's like, hey, lay off, okay, I gotta do this every year. Only way I blow off steam, I need this, okay. Oh, well, you know, just be sure to come back. Hey, hey, like he's really like, the tones are so mismatched. That's the way he behaves all through the movie. Like for a guy who is clearly so egotistical

that he's like, I have to do everything on my film. He's written himself apart that makes him look like the biggest asshole in the world. Like we'll get to the like him up with the cabin with his friends, but it's one of these situations where you're like, why do these people hang out with each other? Like, none of them seem to like one another at all. I mean, they're co-workers, right?

They're co-workers in the mob, like, yes, if you call them, they're co-workers. He's clearly worked for him. They're like his eyes that, like, he's super close to. They're the, the Michael Imperiality to his, Tony's, to his, uh, James Dandelfeini. So they're related, and they're all related? No, I guess that's not right. No, it's more like they're like the polywall nuts and the, uh, Steve Van Zant. Oh, okay.

To his James Dandelphini. So dripping with charisma is what you're saying. Dripping with charisma, a real sex symbol. And, uh, but yeah, they're devoted to him and everybody loves him. Everyone in the movie loves him, but he's just a jackass everybody and it's like a no deposit he's like a gangster who is not really gangster but he's the greatest saint in the world and everybody

loves him here everybody still loves him but he's just a mean to every yeah just abusive to everyone uh... but anyway uh... we then get a nice he's nice to his he's nice to his daughter that's true He's got a real connection with his daughter, a real Tony soprano, meadow soprano connection. We get a nice long shot of Frank's back as he tries to have his morning pee and his blood on some reason. Yeah, he, the taps to pee.

And the, the great thing about that shot is, we're still in the title cards, and that's when we get the Frank DiAngelo title card, is while he's pissing. And of course, he makes his name last because it's like that mock humility. Yeah. It's sure, yeah. He's, look, all these great players,

he'll take, he won't even have to be this. It's like, instead of some cane, where like, Orson Wells puts up his card last is like and well and orson well as as cane I mean also the last card is usually like that that's means you're the headliner like that's the best card yeah wait orson well played cane the bad guy in highlander three yes I thought that was Mario van Peoples and he said you get a. He said a master of disguise or some walls that he can do anything. Okay. He did it in blackface. That's why Highlander 3 was so

controversial. Oh, sure. Wasn't that like Highlander 3, the new dimension or something like that? I think it's something like that. The new dimension. I know what this movie, which is which was a crazy dimension because Christopher Lambert, I don't know, or Christopher, Chris Lampea is like partially blind, so he couldn't really even enjoy the pleasures of the new dimension, but it would also allow him to resist at siren song like Odysseus. You mean Armandesante? That's what I meant to say. Anyway, so he pays for a while. He has to run two faucets to pee. It's the only weakness we see from the character throughout the movie. This inability to pee once. Cut back to his boys are still

singing jiggle-o in the car. Apparently this song, this cut of the song is 40 straight minutes long. Lots of amping and they are loving it. Santino Frank D'Angelo walks into his living room and his daughter is sleeping on the couch. I could never quite figure out if the daughter had a bedroom or just slept on the couch. Uh, he is getting ready to go to the cabin. You know, millennials nowadays, dude, millennials, they just don't want to buy their own homes. They just can't, you know, they just want to live off mom and dad forever. They just want to live off their foster parents forever.

With their avocado toast and everything. Oh, they're ruining the economy with that avocado toast somehow that I never quite understood. I remember there was an article somewhere of what was it that was like, it was like this type of beverage is dying because millennials aren't buying enough.

I remember someone on Twitter being like, I don't have to buy, like, why do I have to buy that thing? I don't understand. Why is it my responsibility to keep this business alive? Yeah. And it was Dr. Brown's cell race soda. I love cell race soda.

Why millennials, when you killed a thing, I love. Are you saying that this generation that seems to have no economic power because they're living at home also are responsible for every economic travesty that defaults chain restaurants like Applebees. Exactly, exactly. The generation that walked into the worst job market since what the 40s is to blame for not buying enough stuff, not doing all the things that old people do.

Okay, you. Anyway, we blood that, Vatamount. Let's get back to the movies. Take that, not millennials. Okay, so Frank, I just want to mention, he appears to be going up for this Kevin trip in a leather shirt and he makes sure to have a pistol on it. His friends show up singing really loud.

I got, it's the same song. They just listen to the same song on repeat, like a budget toddler's. The same way that my son is like, hey, can we listen to the frozen soundtrack 40 times in a row? Like that's these guys with that one song. When was the last time you guys did that with a song? Just listen to it over and over again.

Geez. I think there's a song by the band FFS, which is Franz Ferdinand and Sparks teamed up. Okay. The song called, so Desu Né, that I listened to over and over again. Okay. So you're like, you're just like these guys,

is what you're saying. Exactly. Yeah, and I would jump out of my car singing it at people. And then they would wave guns at me. He gets really mad that they're being too loud and starts waving his gun around at them. And meanwhile, an old man across the street is watching them with binoculars

from another car and uh... frank he like are you are you calling Eric Roberts and old man and robert has not shown up yet this is a robert's his partner uh... they couldn't get air robert for this day the shoot i guess uh... frank he starts he jokes with his friends by waving a gun at them and he's like, hey, weasel a guy. Go ride in the trunk. What, what, what's, what's any, we're riding the trunk. Look, you can either arrive at the cabin in the trunk alive, or you can be dead right now. And then the guy starts climbing in the trunk, frightened

and Frank's like, come on, come on, just bust in your balls. I'm not going to kill you in my driveway in this Toronto suburb that I'm going to say is what? Long Island. Yeah, it's got to be Long Island, right? Bay Ridge, but like this, it's really sets the tone for how he interacts with his friends, which is that he's an asshole. And his friends, you know, have to deal with it.

Cut to, we're introduced to Paul Sorvino in a bathrobe. He called a strip club. You call it a strip club, but it's one of these movie strip clubs where the women are just sort of undulating in underwear and they never actually get naked. And it appears to be super popular. It's packed, but it's just also it's one room that clearly had like glitter curtains put up. Yeah. Hide the walls. Yeah, it looks like like the small side room of a like a

Midwestern convention center. Yeah, it let they rented out an airport chapel for one day and turn it into the most chased strip club. I can only I can only assume it's like an unused storage room for the forget about its supper club owned by Frank D'Angelo in Toronto. Yeah, well, you know, he's a businessman. He has to maximize all his business. Yeah, I guess you're right. I mean, might as well pay, might as well pay himself for the, yeah, for the location fees. That's what the old studios used to do all the time, is that if the producer who was making a movie, or enough the studios make the movie, they would charge themselves for the use of the studio,

for the use of the actual sound stage, and that would be a way of recouping some of the money right off the bat. I'm assuming that's how why Charles Bant owns a castle in Eastern Europe? I mean, if you have the chance, why not own the castle needs? Might as well put some puppets in there called puppet master castle edition. Castle edition.

Anyway, it's a shop I shot remake of the first puppet master, but it all takes place in the castle now. And also as TV's castle in it. Wow. Yeah. Okay, I guess he's falling on hold to our time. So that's okay. And they play chess and the only piece they can use is the rook. Mmm. Because it's a little castle. Oh, oh, okay. L.A. It's holding up his notes for this episode. And it's super dead. super dead barely into my notes so paul sravino gets mad

because they don't have champagne at his buffet at the strip club he swears a lot and they make his assistant put his shoes on forum we're now thirteen minutes into the movie and nothing has happened at this point i kept a running tally of the time we were into the movie at different points because so little and taking place so by this point we've seen three guys sing along in a car for a long time. We've seen Frank D'Angelo have trouble peeing and we've seen Paul Servino get mad at somebody and make them put his shoes on him.

Okay, the guys arrive at the cabin, which is one of those cabins that looks like it's just on another street in the same town as the house that they just left. There's nothing particularly woodsy or even isolated or remote about this cabin. It's just a house. The guys unpack all start unpacking all the food that Carvelina made for him because she made like an entire catered events worth of Italian food the night before. The Frank wants to play cards. Come on. And they argue about whether they should unpack the food or play cards forever. Like, it's just for a long time.

So that's what they were talking about while the Frank T'Angelo song was playing loudly over the mix. And they just seem to be shouting. OK, yeah, because we could not hear what the hell was going on. I think the fact that I was watching with headphones on helped me to understand some of what they were saying. But you didn't miss much because now they start playing

cards. And Frank clearly, he runs the game. He says, if anyone if anyone cheats they die these are his closest friends by the way every year He goes with them to the cabin to play poker still feels the need to tell them if you cheat you die We were hand to poker. Oh, this is also a Sorry going I was to say he's maybe the least likable film character I've ever seen ever like Ray finds in Schindler's list I was like, well, at least he's like, he's an evil human, but he's human. This guy don't like it all. You're like Bobby Peru and Wild at heart. Well, at least, you know, he's got a sense of humor. And this is the part of the emperor. Well, I kind of, I kind of sympathize with the

emperor's need for order in a chaotic universe. Okay, I like the way he's got a wrinkly face. Yeah. for order in a chaotic universe. Okay, sure. I like the way he's got a wrinkly face. Yeah. You know that part in Cannibal Holocaust where the people who are making the movie burn down an entire tribe for no reason?

You know what, at least they're doing it in the interest of anthropology. This guy Frank Dange loves just a jerk here. And Hitler had some good ideas, right guys? Uh, dude. We were talking about movie character. Anyway, this is the part in the movie where they tell two street jokes at length. There's a later point where they also tell a street joke and it's just like this movie

spends so much time telling a joke that your uncle would tell you at some party that you're just like, I should not listen to the. Yeah. If you're 13 and you're like, Hey, come over here. Come over here. And you go into the corner and he tells you like a dirty joke. Yeah. They doesn't want your parents to hear. They do that over and over. They tell the same joke twice at length. And it's pretty obvious that offset there was a script doctor who is there any like no you have to understand if you want to get this movie classified vampires slash horror slash mafia slash comedy you're gonna need to put more jokes in there yeah most popular section in the video store section in the video store. The Mervampire Mafia comedy.

Did I say, yeah, did I say, script doctor, I meant blockbuster executive? I thought you meant the Joss Whedon was there on the corner, punched it back. Yeah, he's like, another one of my classic strong female characters, please. That's my Joss Whedon impression. Yeah, great.

Good stuff. Hey, it's me, Joss Whedon. Not Joe Sweden, that's me, Josh Sweden. Not Joe Sweden. That's a completely different guy. It's me, you go Sweden. How you doing? Hey. Hey, Josh Sweden, I love your stuff.

No, no, the name is Joe Sweden. Let me show you my driver's license. I'm tired of getting all the credit for serenity. That's a great picture on your driver's license. Is that us? They let you wear a scarf for that? Yeah, well, I wanted to look my best, and also I had recently been bitten by a mafia vampire.

I wanted to cover up the bite marks. Oh, weird, a mafia vampire. How did that get delivered to you? Interesting, I'll tell you how that was. So you see, I was at the cabin playing cards, so let me break this hilarious character. Wait, hold on, I just realized that there would be another movie in the Mafia slash Vampire slash comedy section

and that would be innocent blood. Yeah, I mean, that's a hilarious movie. I mean, it is sort of a comedy. Also featuring Robert Loach. Yeah. I mean, a comedy in the way that what like an American werewolf in London is a comedy where there's not really jokes in it.

Yeah. I mean, yeah, like sports night. Yeah. Sports nights full of jokes. That's why they put the left track in every first season. Okay, so here's something to remember about mob movies. Guys, whenever we see a big crowd of mobsters hanging out, what's the first thing we always see them do when those scenes start? We always see someone finishing a joke and then everybody laughing

It's always like yeah back then we had lots of fun and then we cut to the scene goes So I said to the guy that's not my foot. That's my dick and they all start laughing and it goes We were all there Joey two times Henry one time and we think of bone that guy Henry one time and we think of bone that guy Maybe me caps and I think I think frantangel I was like oh every scene and monsters are always sitting around telling each other jokes and forgot that in those scenes We never hear the whole joke. Yeah, you know, it's just cut to them laughing It's just a way of establishing that they were talking, but he's like I'm gonna do it different I'm gonna show the whole joke. Oh wow building suspense

It's like a real postmodernist take on the Mafia movie. Yeah, exactly. It's like the in-keepers in a way, where it's like, hey, this is a horror movie, but a lot of it's really just about the in-keepers like hanging out and like getting to know these characters before the scares happen. Yeah. Yeah. He saw the in-keepers and he's like, I'll do getting to know these characters before the scares happen. Yeah. Yeah.

He saw the in keepers and he's like, I'll do that, but I'll do it mob style. Sure. I'm assuming that Frank the Angela watches a lot of low budget indie horror movies. He was like, I'll call it Sicilian in keepers. And then Ty West was like, I don't think so, sir. Season to season. Anyway, we cut back to Paul Servino at the surprisingly chased strip club as Dan described. Servino is now wearing a little black fedora and just eating a lot.

And I think it's supposed to be like decadent, but it just seems like very low budget. There's an- and always see as the women kind of wailing around while Servino's stuff's food in this room's face. There's no plot in this. Yeah, it just looks like he took like one, one heavy trip to the buffet line. And then he's back wearing that bathrobe with his chest hanging out. And you're like, cool. I guess they just promise like they lured him out of his cave with food.

He usually hypernates. You're Positing that Paul Servino is some kind of an ursign Yeah, lives at a cave hibernating. I mean they don't take his bathrobe off entirely So I don't see if he has any guard hairs protecting his genitals, but I'm assuming they're there Okay, well if anyone has any first-hand experience in the calls for Viennese genitals, please write into the flop S. Tell them, tell us how much they are or not are not like a bird. Okay, back to the card game,

and it just keeps going on. They keep playing cards. We're 20 minutes into the movie, no plot. So it's time for Eric Roberts to drive in. He and that other guy that we saw watching through the binoculars, they're IRS agents. And Eric Roberts finally, they've been studying for Centino for three years. They want to finally take him down. He doesn't care about those other crimes. He just wants them to

pay their taxes. Okay. Back to the card playing in joke telling. And then nightfall. They're still playing, but they're tired. Nobody seems to be having a good time. One guy, which one is it Michael Parade who threatens the guy with glasses with a knife because he thinks he's cheating? Yeah, yeah, and then the weaselay guy. We cut back to the strip club. The dancer they announced a while back, Cassandra, is still on stage and Sorbino is still eating. It's been an entire day. This is what this is telling us. We cut to a nighttime scene and then back to this. Paul Sorbino has been eating steak at the strip club all day. And there's this woman with him and she's over to the bar.

He paid us 10 bucks, dude. You're going to get all the steak you can eat. Maybe it's one of those like steaks that if you finish it, you get your picture up on the wall. Yeah, that's why he's dressed up so well is because he wants his picture taken. He's wearing his best little hat. It's like picture day. It's cool. He wears wearing his best little hat. It's like picture dance pool. Every time he goes there, he wears that hat and he doesn't quite finish the steak.

And he's like, this time I'm finishing the steak. I'm not wearing this hat again. This woman who is like Paul Servino's major domo, she walks over to the bar and yells at the bartender for talking on the phone. That's not a plot. It doesn't go anywhere. It's just an incident.

And then Danny Baldwin shows up wearing an evil goatee like a Spock in the Mirror Mirror episode. And he tells Frank's, Paul's Serveno, they've got to stop Santino. They've got to stop him. And Paul's Serveno just yells at him. The next morning, that was the morning. The guys all wake up at the card table.

They've all fallen asleep with their like cards still in their hand. Well, we're supposed to believe is they literally played cards until they passed out. Yeah. That's how into the, it's like that's crazy. But they all like, but also they're all asleep in the chairs. Like it seems like one guy would fall asleep in the chair. Like they didn't all like simultaneously talk out. Mm-hmm.

You think one guy would fall asleep and the other guys would be like, I know what to do. This is a mafia situation. Yeah. Let's dunk his hand in some water. The very least they'd be like, yeah, it is getting late. Let's go off to bed. But no, unless someone literally just put gas in the house, did nothing out.

There's a gas leak in the cabin, or maybe like their enemies put sleeping gas in there so they could rob them. I don't know, but they all just gas leak in the cabin or maybe like their enemies put sleeping gas There's they could rob them. I don't know but they all just wake up at the table It takes them a long time to wake up But here's where things start to get exciting because oh, oh, what's this a box of bananas like a big grossers crate full of bananas Yeah, it's breakfast time, dude Right, dan's all it's like come on. What's this? What's this shit? He's like it's healthy. Come on

This is so for breakfast. they're all gonna have bananas like, they open the box. Dan, you gotta explain what happens next. They open the box of bananas and it'll happen. Yeah. This, I guess CGI bat comes out of the box of bananas and bites Frank the angel on the neck and everyone's like, oh, bad. They're like trying to pry it off of them. But the thing that I love the most about this is the box of bananas that the back comes out of, like the bat that gives him vampirism is a dull box of bananas. Like it's not just, it's not like this guy's like,

oh, I got this like tropical treat. Like my friend has a line on some like really fresh bananas that come from darkest Peru or something like that. It's like apparently just from Pennsylvania. Any grocer has these like the risk of a vampire bed. I feel like I feel like CGI bat is being very charitable to what happens. It feels very much like he opens the box, pulls out a dark piece of cloth,

slaps it on his neck. And then all of a sudden the camera starts going in slow motion and like it gets kind of swimmy, right? Like it feels, yeah. And then blood starts squirting everywhere. Yeah. There's blood all over the list. And I just, I love how out of nowhere this comes from and it's like

We never that bat you never see it again No one ever talks about this incident again really so it's like is this are we supposed to win this the kind of thing that occasionally Like I don't I don't really love bananas. Do you guys have you ever opened up a box of bananas in a bat or any animal has grown out well first? have you ever opened up a box of bananas in a bat or any animal has flown out? Well, first, in the first banana boat song, there's an animal. It's a tarantula out of bat. Yeah, I mean, the risk in this case, I mean, for all I know, that actually could have been a tarantula because I did not see any wings on this thing. But yeah, I mean, that's the risk you run when you go to Sam's club and you get

the giant box of bananas that hasn't been broken down into smaller boxes. Normally, the people who get bitten by these bats or tarantulas are the stock boys at grocery stores. That's why they're all vampires. Yeah. That's why they have the good insurance. Yeah. Yeah. That's why a lot of people know this that most stock boys are vampires for this reason. Yeah. Now speaking of health insurance, they quickly rush Frank D'Angelo with this massive scarf wrapped around his neck to what appears to be, I don't know, the same convention center that they shot the strip club at because this looks like the smallest little hospital. It's the same white walls and like one curtain they put up

and like a bookshelf. It's a tiny room they've tried to make look like it's both the reception area and the ER of a hospital and it's like that ER waiting room. And there's like a bookshelf behind the receptionist head that looks like the bookshelf you would see it like a small resort where like when people travel they like leave a book behind and take a book. Oh, you were bitten by a bat. Well, while you're waiting, why don't you read this Daniel steel novel? Yeah, it's a paperback. The last couple pages are missing, but you don't really need them. You're just feeling it. the last couple pages are missing, but you don't really need them. You're just filling in.

It looks, there's a lot of points where it looks like they're in the like mafia version of like busy town. It's like this is the basic rudiments of a tiny hospital. Okay. They go and they kind of bully their way into the hospital. And at this point, Frank has covered up his wound with just by wrapping a napkin around it, and it looks like either he has a toothache in his neck or he's trying to cover that little head from how to get ahead and advertising, like that's what he's got. But the doctor looks at and he says,

it's just a scratch, it's miraculously healed. The doctor, having not examined him at all, tells him his vitals are good. And that he can. I mean, I think, I think he must be a really good doctor and he can just tell by looking at Frank D'Angelo, like, this is a man in the prime of his life. There's a point later on where James Con later in the movie is like, look at your skin, it's like a baby spot, your skin's getting younger and you look at his face and you're like, no, it is not.

Yeah, not a lot. The skin of a man. And he's really 50. I was like, please, somebody get James Conn is glasses. So maybe what we're led to believe here is this is a world where no one is very good at their job. The strippers are not that it's stripping. The stock boys can't keep vampire bats out of their banana boxes. And the doctors don't really know what constitutes human health.

Like is that the world we're living in just like this incompetence universe? Yeah, well, I mean like it's a brutal satire on day-to-day modern life. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I wonder if it's also like he's Canadian, he deals with the Canadian health system and maybe he doesn't know how hospitals work in the United States where you wait forever and doctors make you take every test possible to drive the bills up. Yeah, well, maybe like they went to this small hospital

in the wilds of Long Island, I guess. Yeah. Like maybe they do things a little bit different out there. Who knows? You're at Pepperidge Farm Hospital. It's still catchin'. No need for fancy big city tests. What instead of tongue depressors, we use Milano cookies. So he so they take him home and we had this bizarre dream.

Well before that he the shot go they pull up to his house he we before they take him home he has the dream he has a dream of oh okay he is tearing apart their meat and the doctor comes by to uh he say like hey what's going on and Frank d'Angelo i think he's supposed to like be like jolted awake and almost like he's about to attack the doctor but city just kind of touches the doctor's shoulders and is very apologetic about it and then they send him home. And he, his buddies take him home and then we have a scene where Frank D'Angelo's

hanging out in his living room and we just hear Darryl Hannah's voice, her ranging the friends. Like clearly she couldn't be on set that day and they just had the ADR, that dialogue. Plus, when he was bitten by a bat, she was bitten by an invisible man. That's also possible.

And it's invisible all day. That could be possible too. That how it works. That's invisible man perism. It's spread around. Yeah, the invisible man perism. And the hard part is, a vampire, you can see a vampire coming and run away.

I can't see an invisible man coming. You might just feel a bite on your arm and think it was like, oh, I guess a big mosquito bit me. No, it's an invisible man coming. You might just feel a bite on your arm and think it was like oh, I guess I'm a big mosquito bit me. No, it's an invisible man. You're invisible now time to write your memoirs Thank you for getting there. I was like literally trying to think of a more sort of invisible man joke as you were speaking I appreciate But guys the movie's been full of filler up till this point. It's time to get into the real hardcore plot because this is when, as in any movie about a mobster bitten

by a vampire, you know what's gonna happen. The mobster's daughter wants to go out and her mother doesn't want her to go out. But the dad's cool and he lets the daughter go out and gives her kind of a wink. Yeah, I love that he does. The best dad ever. Yeah, I love that he even has to be like the cool dad.

But how cool is he when he starts having what dreams of his daughter being harassed at the club? A club that looks, let's all agree, pretty fancy. In a club that could only be described as the same room where they shut everything else, like colored lights now, they dance to a Frank to Angela song about wanting to live forever That's the second thing that comes up when you look up Sicilian vampire on Amazon is the single I want to live forever by Frank the angel And how does that you guys remember how the song went?

I mean, he Frank the angel who earlier had sung, uh, Justin Jiglo with like a really great, Louis Prima type voice. Kind of adopts this like, Aerie, almost ethereal quality, and I want to live forever. It's gossip. I call him Goslamer.

Yeah, he's the man of a thousand voices. Uh, it's a very, I think that's a USA type club. I the man of a thousand voices. It's a very different. I think that's USA type club. I think man with a thousand voices is, I think that's copyrighted and Dan, right? Is it? Yeah, it's copyrighted and Elliot Kaylen.

Oh, okay. All the voices from this one. Hey guys, do this one. Hey guys. Wow, cool. I run the gamut from this voice, hello chums to this voice. Gidey, mate.

Oh, wow. They did a bunch of people walk into the room with you right now. Oh, I know you'd think that, but no, it's just me. Oh, but what about this guy? Well, hello. I'm another person. No, just kidding. I'm just Elliott doing a voice.

Oh, wow. Is that not like a stock casting office in Elliott's apartment? I like. I've had to start doing casting. It's the writing work is just not coming my way. I'm a casting agent now. I like the idea that somehow you have like one of those character headshots that show you in a bunch of different roles but somehow it's just like voices like you somehow figure it out a way to just as it says voice only yeah there is

gotta be either in real life or a movie where somebody like an actor who's down on his luck and can't get a role starts a casting agency and then just keep submitting himself to everything oh yeah that's a good I do you got to write that movie okay I'll get right on it. You know, you call it cast of character. Oh, I like it. Makes you think. We'll call it podcast, because the guy's name is Sammy Pod.

Uh huh. All right, we're running so long guys. Sorry, okay, Frank has a dream that his daughter is being harassed at this club. And suddenly his nails grow sharp and he wakes up with fangs. They're the funniest fangs you've ever seen. I cannot. I have the fangs for us.

I mean, they look just like, like slightly sharper K-90 that are just like poking a little bit under his lip. Like they're not like long, like elegant fangs. They're just like, I don't know. His like upper lip is kind of bumpy where you can see the thing being inserted into his mouth of mouthpiece. Like they're not, they're not threatening things. So if you need to go get braces.

Exactly. He, yeah, cap those. Yeah. So he, he opens his eyes and his eyes, his pupils are bright red and you're like, oh, shit, things are going down. And then he like kind of smiles and you see the whisper of things underneath this map and you're like, just the hint of things.

And you're like, okay, vampire's gonna be funny too. It has, okay, those things are, we'll get later to the funniest prop in the entire movie. The funniest fake prop, which is another body part that shows off. But let's just actually, I'll just say it, guys, in case the listener, if you're like, this is too long, I don't want to hear anymore. Later on, just know that there's a pair of, there's a fake scrotum prop that appears later. We'll get to that. Anyway, Frank Dansell, we see a lot of overhead shots of New York and Frank, like his hazy

POV is in the club. He's there. Did he teleport there or did he drive his car into Manhattan at night? Because I kind of like the idea of a vampire just driving his car through the tunnel or across a bridge. Yeah, not assuming the form of a wolf or a mist. Instead, he assumes the form of a guy just driving. He assumes the, assumes the form of a commuting worry dead. And he goes into the club and starts beating up

the guys who were hitting on his daughter and just go, stop it. You're embarrassing me. But she's, you can see she's glad that he was there. She smiles at him. He's a good dad home. Carmelina's mad. What's your daughter doing outside? And Frank goes, hey, you know, we just went out for a bite. The whole movie, Frank's constantly talking about going out to get something to eat or sending people to get things to eat, which I guess is his idea of what being Sicilian is like, that everyone's always constantly thinking about food or going to get food.

And then Frank, he puts on the record player, the song that they first dance to, or they met during, it's some song that has romantic significance for them, and they dance together and mumble each other, sweet nothings that you can't really understand because of the audio recording. Now is that song another Frank D'Angelo song? I don't remember. I don't remember either, I don't think it is, but it probably is. He does think it is but it probably is he does all the music it probably is okay once again frank wakes up in bed we see a shot of a mouse that runs around and seems to make a fart noise

Frank looks confused now it's Sunday he's driving his family to church and they talk about where to get the best for Zoli and they're like Darrell Hannah is always talking about Italian food in this. She's either disapproving of something or talking about Italian food. And this scene goes on forever. And it really captures the feeling. I mean, this is good filmmaking.

It captures that feeling of sitting in the back seat of a friend's car while the friend's parents are up in front talking about something and you're not really listening or paying attention and you can't hear all of it and you don't really care. That's what it feels. And it feels like you keep driving past the same thing over and over and over. Yeah, it's like the live action equivalent of a Hannah Barbarra chase. Yeah. You just see the same door and window pass by because they're cycling the backgrounds.

That's this movie. They're just driving around the block, having a pretty boring conversation while you, well, even the movie is not fully invested in it or interested in what's going on. I'd like to point out by this point in the movie there is no conflict. Other than the fact that Frank D'Angelo has turned into a vampire which he seems kind of okay with, there's no there's no conflict in the film. It takes a long time for Frank to wake up to the fact that he's a vampire, but it doesn't help when okay Every Sunday they go to church and they visit Frank's parents graves

They get out of the church and the minute Frank steps on the ground smoke starts rising out of his feet because he's a vampire Vampire vampires can't be around churches. They're too holy. He immediately tells his family. I'm hungry I'm gonna go get something to eat you go to church for me And he knows that and his and his wife buys it because she is obsessed with food too. Cut to. And this is my, this might be my favorite. No, I can't even say it. There's too many favorite parts of the movie. This is one of my favorite parts. You cut to an Italian restaurant. There's do up music playing in the back. Everyone in the restaurant is having a great time. It's just this stupidly long montage of people having a great time at a restaurant. And Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do Did the movie get faked out by the way? I said, I'm going to get someone to eat.

The movie was like, oh, I'll go meet you there. And the movie was wandering around the restaurant looking for work. Like, he was supposed to be at the restaurant. Like, the star of the movie and who directed it, stood up his movie, yeah. And then it's like the movie was like, okay, I'll go to the cemetery and see if he's there. Okay, he's there. Like, I cannot tell you how nonsensical it is.

Just watch people eating at a... It's like an Olive Garden commercial with no narration. And then you're out of it. You're gone. All of a sudden. Oh, man. Goes to his parents grave and a ghostly voice says something to him that I couldn't understand. And he runs away.

It might have been an Italian. And here's something I want to mention here. This is something we haven't brought up, but it became increasingly apparent to me throughout the movie that as the movie goes on, more and more of the film is in Italian with no subtitles. Characters just start speaking Italian to each other because they're Sicilian monsters. And it felt like when you're using an immersive language tool for learning a language, and it's like, you're going to start reading reading this book and there'll be a few scattered

Spanish words here and there and there'll be more and more with each chapter until by the end you're reading chapters that are all in Spanish That's this movie felt like by the end whole conversations are going on in Italian with no subtitles and I was like I don't I don't even know like I guess I'll just now it's a silent film essentially and I'm just reading gestures and expressions. What had you guys, you guys are both Italian. How did you feel about it? Yeah, I mean, I was, I was building it all off a context clues. I literally did not notice that this was happening. So maybe, maybe it was the audio in the background overwhelming the thing and I'm just like,

okay, I just don't understand this anymore. It's the same as the rest of the movie. It was not even the language that you spoke. That's how crazy that audio mix is. I even know they were speaking another language. Yeah. So we go back to the do-up restaurant. Franken is crew are finally there

and they're meeting Robert Dovey who seems to be some kind of respect. He's like the boss, right? Yeah, I think so. The filmmaker is take a while to make sure we know who at the table is drinking wine and who is not drinking wine. They all talk about their drink orders for a while.

Yes, what? Time for them all to tell some more jokes and have their little subterrentino monologues about stuff. Frank gets a phone call. It makes him very unhappy. And then goes into a long speech about how they have business, they have the linens contract for every hotel in Manhattan but i want to sell that contract and by real estate because that's where the real money is and dovey says

as long as you're making a profit don't sell that contract don't sell it in frank's like but i want to invest that money and then he turns and starts insulting his weasley friend with the glasses and it's like hey guys do you remember this linens contract coming up at any other point in the movie? I mean, this is a movie that does introduce conflict that you did not know was there very suddenly and then it is immediately resolved. Yeah, as we'll see later on with those testicles. The film feels it feels like the movie was a stream of consciousness writing exercise where it's just like I'll just keep writing whatever comes into my head. It'll just it'll all work out in the end.

It's kind of like a Mike Lee movie where everything's built off of improvisation. Yeah. And then not edited at all? No, of course not. Yeah, you want to get the whole performance on screen. It does feel like a screenplay that was written in one draft in one sitting. And like that, he would just get distracted and start writing other things.

I'll tell you, there's only one writer who could really get away with stopping the story, starting another story, and then getting away from that and going back. You know who that man was? Miguel de Servantes. Oh yeah. Yeah, I mean, they're about the same level of skill and blasting impact. So I'd say Frank, Daniel and Miguel de Servantes were kind of going for the same sort of thing.

Only one helped create world literature, and the other is the owner of Cheetah Energy Drake. Okay, Paul Sorvino shows up, rival mob boss. He takes Frank's wine. Robert D'Avi tries to smooth it all over, Tempers Flair, infurious Italian. Everybody calms everybody else down. Frank refuses to take a deep breath and calm down. Daniel Baldwin's mad because he's like, hey, let me add him. I'll take him down. I'll take him down. Paul Servino's like, no, I can get under his skin. That means I can control him. And then that's over. Now, I made a note here, 58 minutes in, too much Sicilian, not enough vampire. And that might be the slogan for the movie.

Frank gets a phone call from a voice that says it's his father. But his father's dead. We saw him at his grave, and it says like, soon, we'll be together. And Frank speaks in Italian into the phone, even though the dad's voice is always in English. I didn't quite understand that choice. Uh, Frank is, he's clearly shaken and the glasses guy is like, hey Frank's cracking up and everybody's like, hey, oh, don't say that. Oh, okay, come on, oh. Uh, Frank Santino, he has a nightmare that he bites his wife and his daughter's next. Don't worry. Turns out to be just a nightmare. I know you guys if we were hoping for more vampire stuff but the movie is like no no no that's just a dream. It's like a it's like a coin mistress. Yeah. Who you think is takes off a glove and then

hands it to you or like it's like the movie there's a part of me I was like oh is the plot happening and the movie is like no no don't worry don't worry you can go back movie, there's a, part of me I was like, oh, is the plot happening? And the movie was like, no, no, don't worry, don't worry, you can go back to sleep. There's no plot here. He's just having a dream about it. Speaking of introducing conflict, isn't it soon after this that they're at the nightclub and they introduce the concept that Frank and all of his buddies

have like a group of gumata, like Mr. Says that is causing problems. That's coming up, we'll get to that because first he has to meet the star of the movie James Khan. They get saved in the cast. He's in like three scenes. Sorry, I just remember James Khan in this movie. Like this movie slid off my brain, but is genuinely hilarious. Yeah. And so and James Conn is a scientist who's like, he's like, here I am at my institute. Frank, your family funded my research. I'll do anything for you. They're clearly in a hotel lobby, but it's, or like a lobby of an apartment building. Or a bank. It's huge. Or a bank. It's

supposed to be a huge research institute. There's a pointless scene of them talking in the elevator about how many elevators there are on the different sides of the building. And it does feel like he's like we got James Con. Let's just shoot everything we can get. And they're like, okay, let's improv a scene. Well, we're in an elevator. I guess we'll talk about that. They go to James Con's office, which is hilarious. It's all like dark wood and dimly lit.

It's like a smoking lounge, but he also has skeletons and skulls everywhere. And it's like, the vaulting music is playing in the background. Like, it's a little bit like, if they went to the Big Lebowski's, like that room with the fireplace from the Big Lebowski where he's getting really sad, and then they decided, well, we'll make this look like a doctor's office.

That's fine, we'll just throw a skull in there and a skeleton. It turns out, James Conn is a doctor. He's a physician, but he's also an expert in mythology. He has a PhD in it. And Frank tells him the entire plot of the movie up to that point as if we didn't see it. And even James Khan's doctor talks like I'm off of you. So he's like, well, you know, okay, we'll take a look, we'll take some tests. We'll test you, we'll test you.

And he calls, he refers to blood as the Google of the human body. Oh, yes. Because he doesn't see everything. Oh, yes, he does do that. That is a thing that he's like, and Lucas is the being of the human body. You're useless and you're like, why is this there? Why would anyone use this? Now, goes without saying that the genitals are the porn hub of the human body.

It's not much of an analogy. And of course, the rectum is the bright part of the human body. Oh, trenchant. Zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom But what would what would Huffington post be like the nipples? That's the it's a vestigial third nipple. Okay. And Facebook is the navel of the movie because people are of the body too large and gazing into it. Oh, I've heard that before and because it's a name of oranges. And now eyes are the windows to the soul. So the eyes are the windows operating system

that you're running your web browser on. Oh man, you know, we're doing a really great job of bringing down the human body into computer shit guys. It's not us. It's James Khan. James Khan showed us the way. Oh yeah, he's brilliant that way. Anyway, he gives him a blood test, which takes forever. And they're like, that's all you need, right? Three vials? No, no, no, four vials. And there's a lot of suspenseful music as if we're worried the blood test is going to go wrong somehow. Now, this was a movie where opening a box of bananas went horribly wrong. So I guess it's possible a blood test could go wrong, but it doesn't. Yeah, nothing happens. Much like a lot of this movie. We go back to dinner with Robert Dovey. They swap jokes so more. Same jokes we heard earlier

get told again, but then the guy with glasses, he's calling in a hit on his cell phone and he does this by stepping over to the next table about a foot over and he's like, yeah, he's going to be at the jazz club tonight. I want him dead. I want him dead. And it's very clear he's talking about his boss who is sitting right over by him. But he doesn't even decide to even go to another room to talk about this. Yeah, maybe in the script, it said that he steps out of the restaurant. They're like, we can't shoot this outside. It has to stay in the restaurant. We don't have a permit for exteriors for this part. Dr. James Khan stopped by,

says that Frank's blood is getting younger, and now Frank's gonna live forever. Frank's dad calls him again, says they're gonna take care of their family, et cetera, with lots of unsubtitled Italian. And James Khan's like, you're gonna live forever. Make me one of those. Make me a vampire, please.

Yeah. And so funny. James Conn is like, I did up some mythology reading too. And it looks like, you know, you might be like a vampire now who has to live from human blood. So maybe this is all over. You can give me a little bite. Yeah, like he's still like James Conn.

He's still doing all this James Conn mannerisms, but he's also kind of a little like James Con he's still doing all this James Con mat mannerisms But he's also kind of a little pathetic like he's just like yeah, you could just toss me, you know a little nibble On the neck a little chew it's like it turns into a curb your enthusiasm Yeah, and it feels it's not a nibble. Maybe not a chew maybe just a nibble Maybe just a pack and it still feels a little bit like a classic It feels like a classic Frank the Angela move to be like I got James Conn in here. He wants me To do something for him like he wants me. He wants something. I've got he wants to be like me Yeah, it's it seems like he spent a lot of money to get a star of the godfather to be on film asking him to bite him

Yeah, that seems like that's that's the whole end game of it. And then Frank goes home and is brooding. Dr. James Donkahn calls him to check in, turns out, I'm actually sitting in my car in front of your house. Maybe you could invite me now. Maybe you could just come in and give me a little nip. Maybe just a little bit like make me live forever. I want to be young forever.

And it is, James Conn is so funny. Like, he's so pathetic. And it's like, James Conn is hitting on Frank D'Angelo and Frank cannot find enough ways to say no. I just not want to go out with him. So funny. Oh, man, I love it. I love it.

And they made no effort to make Frank the angel look different than When he was not a vampire. They're like why mess with perfection? We can't make him look any more young Beautiful and powerful No, you can't do it. There's no you know put lipstick on the Mona Lisa. It's perfection. Yeah about it Frank has another day drink and then uh... his i think his wife starts suspecting that is having a fair she seems suspicious uh... and we cut to daniel baldwin having sex in the bathroom with a woman we've never seen before

but who apparently is an informant for him uh... with frank dan jelok and this is a sex scene that is let's say awkwardly realistic but it's like awkwardly aggressively hostile and luckily Daniel Baldwin's underpants are on the entire this is one of those standing up at the counter of a bathroom sink in a public place sex scenes and Daniel Baldwin's bodyguards literally stationed at the door to make sure nobody walks in. Yeah and to hear all the yummy sounds. And also here Daniel Baldwin being like you're gonna tell me where Frank is,

right? Yeah, yeah, I'll tell you everything that happens. And it's like, or sunny, they always come sunny. You're going to tell, and it's, I guess Daniel Baldwin. Yeah, it doesn't call him the actor's name. Good point. Good point. The Daniel Baldwin is just such a good lover that he's got this, this woman wrapped around his finger. I mean, he does have a little goatee. That makes sense. Yeah, because he's a nasty boy. He's one of Mr. Sinister's nasty boys. Cut to finally the jazz club. Frank's there. People have a great time.

Frank's sonny. He's not having a great time. He says he's tired. At this point, he's so mumbly that the closed captioning, which I had put on at this point to he's so mumbling that the closed captioning, which I had put on at this point to help me figure out, is wrong. Everyone's like, oh, he's a powerful person. And the burrow president comes over, but instead the caption said, burrow prison. He's like, come on. You're so mumbling, the captions can't understand you. That's a problem. They

say, hey, you know what, cheer you up? Sing a song. You know, how we always use to sing. Let's sing a song. It's like, nah, nah, I can't do it. And they make him do it. It does not take a lot of pushing. But the whole walk up to the stage is like, you know, believe you fucking guys make me do this fucking that you run my life. There's nothing out. You know, you just, you're bullying me around. I don't know. Glasses guy, the weasley guy does not get to sing. They shout him down when he tries to walk to the stage. And now you, this is what you wanted to hear the whole time. You know that recording of, I'm just a jiggle

out that they were listening to the car earlier. Hey, didn't you want to see Frank, Angelo lip syncing to that with the other guys as his backup singers? No, you did. I would only like to see that if they play the entire song like it's planned to be a music video or something. Yep, it's the whole song, and the lip syncing is beautifully bad. I like watching Armand de Sante in the back, whenever he's supposed to come on with Jigaloo, and he's clearly way off.

Yeah. And the sound of it, it sounds like they're lip syncing to a track that's playing in another building. Like, it's so unreal and fakey, but you do get to hear the entire song. And people are fucking love in it. People are going apeshit.

They are eating it up. This is the greatest that I've Louis Prima walked in. It was like, hey, let me get on in that. They would boo him away. They would throw tomatoes at him until he left, because they don't want him soiling his own song when Frank DeAngelo could be singing it. And I love I love the acting choices by the guy with the glasses, the weasley guy. Because at this point, we know he is called in a hit against his boss, maybe friend,

maybe mentor. And he makes no, he acts completely normal. He wants to go up and sing with everybody on stage. They don't have him like kind of wrestling with himself or struggling with that, like a shitty movie, like that aparited. This is like, he's just that into it, you know what I mean? Like, that's the mafia life. Hey, if you're a mafia, so you're calling in hits, you're singing, I'm just a jiggle

in front of packed crowds. And you tell jokes to each other. It's all about having fun and laughing. That's what the mafia is all about. But then that's when the goomars show up. Uh oh, it's that's right. Cause it's Monday night, I guess, or Sunday night. It's Sunday night. Usually the goomar night. That doesn't make any sense to me. They went to didn't go to church earlier that day? Yeah, well, you leave your family at home to watch Thrones or Westworld or whatever the fuck. And you go out.

And you go out and do it the same way. Saturday night was for the wives. Sunday night was for the Gumaars because the wives read home watching last week at the night. Because God's busy and He's not watching you. The wives were watching Family Guy. And, and Santo, one of them is the girl, Daniel Baldwin was having sex with and Sonny

gets a premonition of that moment. And I have to imagine that was awkward for him to suddenly get a flashback of somebody else that he doesn't like having sex loudly in a bathroom. Think about it guys. I would not suddenly want the image of someone I don't like having sex loudly in a bathroom. Think about it guys. I would not suddenly want the image of someone I don't like having sex loudly in a bathroom thrust into my head. Vampire or nothing. Yeah, that's difficult to do.

That's the curse of vampirism right there. And Santos says, hey, leave for a second. Leave for a second. He goes, guys, we love our wives, don't we? Don't you love your wife? Don't you love your wife? So why are we doing this? And the implication is that becoming a vampire has made him a better person?

Mm-hmm. Like now everything's a birth look guys I have to drink blood for a living It's put a lot of things in perspective why are we cheating on our wives regularly? And so they all very serious and the glasses guy goes Sonny you're like the whore master of the world. That's the phrase he uses What? He gets mad at him and they throw him out. And he throws everybody out. He tells the mater D, I want everybody out of the restaurant. And everybody in the restaurant obliges him.

And he could be alone. It is crazy. And each of them, and he does that so that each of them can break up with their mistresses in what seemed to be surprisingly heartfelt scenes. Armandisante is really having trouble with the fact that he has to break up with his longtime mistress. Yeah, I mean, you develop a relationship. It's almost like the new family, they say. And Santo gives his now ex-mystress $5,000 in cash to say goodbye.

No, that's a nice severance package. That's it. I mean, she's not getting that to anymore. That's the problem. That's not exactly a golden pair. Well, I think he's like, this should cover the cobra payments. That's the next couple of months. Yeah.

Then you got to find your own plan. Uh-oh. Everyone's out of the club. Waders are just hustling everyone out. Everyone out is very understanding that that's Santino needs his own space. But that's. And they're like, I guess we'll clean up tomorrow. Like the staff leaves Eric Roberts walks in with his partner as everyone's walking out and you see a centino sing by himself they're about I guess about

to arrest him and then Eric Roberts goes wait let's see how this plays out and they leave. out and they leave. It's like a kille's brooding in his tent. Everyone needs to give Centino his time because he's a larger than life hero. He's on an Olympian level. They just can't understand the depths of the emotions that he's feeling. Like Marlena Dietrich, or rather more correctly, Greta Garbo, he wants to be alone. I'm sorry, I did it myself. Mid reverence, who is not Marlena Dietrich at all. But then Daniel Baldwin walks in, shoots Frank Bloodspirts out of him,

shoots him in the head, Paul Forcerovino comes in, oh no, and he tells Paul Servino, Santo is dead. And then almost immediately leave, and then almost immediately Frank just sits right right back up again and Eric Roberts watches uh... centino walk out of the his boys the boy they got a survey no calls up our monocente goes you work for me now and then frank shows right up

and they go we urge you are dead uh... glasses guy must have been a trader and the fact that they heard glasses guy calling in a hit on their boss right next to their table earlier in the movie that was not the clue they needed the clue was who's not here to take care of the body glasses guy uh... frank set they go we got to take care of the body glasses guy. Frank said, we got to take these guys down and Frank says, I got to do this myself. They have a conversation that is about three times as long as it needs to be, but they

keep offering their help and talking about how they're all family, they love each other. And he says, no, I got to do this myself. He kisses everybody on the cheek multiple times. And again, Armando Santé is having a very difficult emotional time letting Frank go and handle this business on his own. Yeah, because I mean, at this point, we're to assume that he is going to his almost certain death. I mean, granted, getting shot in the face did not kill him, but maybe these guys know

away. Like, maybe there's a chance somebody's going to, I don't know, cut off his head and burn the bury them separately in two different graveyards. I don't know the mythology. Crossroads. Yeah. Maybe stake him with a banana. Maybe that's how you do it.

Maybe they're all going to hide behind a river because vampires can't cross running water. Sprinkle rice on the ground. So he is stuck counting every single grain. And the other vampire things. I mean, here's the thing. He should have known he was a vampire when he couldn't walk into his own Italian restaurant because of all the garlic there.

He is somehow a vampire who has no problem with garlic because he's constantly eating Italian food. Or a sun like, yeah, he likes the sun. Yeah. Oh, also, in another sense, the sun never hurts him. That's true. He's a vampire, he's like, well, maybe he just sparkles in the sun,

like a twilight vampire. Yeah, that makes sense. And they forgot to put the infection. I meanles in the sun mhm like a twilight vampire you know that makes sense that that that they forgot to put the that's clearly a sexy as a twilight vampire uh... so what order what order does he kill these guys in well let there's a seat before that too i'll say two things one are monday is not giving a terrible performance in this movie although uh...

james con is my favorite performance he's hilarious but first we see paul sorv, paying off Glasses Weasel Guy, calls him a rat and a hump cock sucker and says, I don't want rats around. I hated that guy, but you're a rat, kicks him out. So now the order, first Santo kills Daniel Baldwin's bodyguard by slashing his throat with a fingernail. And the guy goes, didn't we just kill you? And he slashes throat and he goes, no, I just killed you. That's the wittiest thing that gets said in the

time. And he rips out Daniel Baldwin's heart and he goes, huh, I didn't think you had one of these holding this really fake heart prop. Yep. Holding a fake heart prop with a blood bloodless hand. Like there's no blood on his hand. Like he fucking phased into the body, took the heart and phased out. Uh, he then goes to the strip club. It's deserted. Paul Servino is eating alone, wearing his hat, but shirtless. Still letting the steak.

He goes, he goes, I'm going to rip off your arm and beat you to death with it, which he does. It takes like three hits with the fleshy bloody end of an arm to beat a man's head in. It does it. It's this arm must be made of titanium. Maybe it's that gold hand that Jamie Lannister has. I don't know. Or maybe that Paul Sorvino's love of stake has allowed his skull

to become softer than a normal person's skull. I mean, it might explain why the arm was ripped out of the body so easily. I mean, he rips it out with the ease of someone ripping a wet cleanx like it falls apart. He has some kind of calcium deficiency. Yeah. Like, you know, sometimes there's no paper towels in a public bathroom and you have to try to use toilet paper to wipe your hands off after you wash them. That's toilet paper just falls apart in your hands.

That's Paul Servino's arm and head in this scene. No, I usually would do in that situation because I'm like, I don't want to use this toilet paper. So I just pull my undies off. I wipe my hands in the undies and then I put the undies in the garbage and leave. Okay, interesting. I have a spensive because you're using me undies. Yeah, I'm using a competing product to our sponsor, Mack Weldon. Yeah, exactly. Me undies, but I use it just to wipe my hands. So that's me being shitty to it, Mack Weldon. Yeah, exactly. Me, Undies.

But I use it just to wipe my hands. So that's me being shitty to it, I guess, I don't know. Yeah, because Mack Weldon's better. I have to assume from the weakness of Paul Servino's head that if a bird ever pooped on his head, it would just go straight through like a bullet, like someone dropped a penny off a skyscraper. It would kill him.

That's why he's wearing that hat all the time. The feeling of protection for his mushy head. Finally, the IRS agents get the drop on Santo and he says, stay and die or he goes, he goes, you guys like chocolate milk? Why don't you go home, have a cup of chocolate milk and not stay and get killed. And after a three year investigation, they go, okay, I like chocolate milk and they leave. They give up so easily. It's amazing. I love it.

Like Eric Roberts is just like just grinning his way through this performance and he's just like, at this final moment, he's just like, okay. And it's just sort of delightful. There are people like James Conne who are clearly not having a good time in this movie and people like Eric Roberts

who are having a fantastic night in this movie and people like Eric Roberts were having a fantastic and then finally he ambushes the weasel the glasses guy the snitch the rat and he says you you think the problem is that I thought it was that you hate me you hate yourself and he rips off the glasses guys scrotum I guess through his pants yeah yeah yeah yeah is pants. Yeah. Yeah. The prop is hilarious. Either that or a scrotum just hanging out. Like, that's like, that's who is a killy's heel right? Guys, I once was walking around the city and I saw a man. I was once walking around the city and I saw a man in shorts and a scrotum was literally hanging all the way out.

And I was like, but I was like, how? I had to double back to make sure that it was not like a props Frodo to take a picture Wait, how did you make sure all of this prop? Rotom Dan, did you go over and like lick it to see if he had sensation? I mean, I can't be totally sure. I just examined it a little bit. Yeah, you didn't like you didn't taste it. You didn't, you didn't, you didn't smell it. Didn't take a blood sample.

It's true. I only use my eyes on it. So Dan, are you saying this memory is a case of scrotal recall? I am saying that. Or actually you're saying that. I don't know. I'm a grang with it. So what was your question?

So you went back to take a look at it. Why? Just because I was like, he's dating scrotal. I can't believe it. But this guy, he was like having a conversation with the street vendor and his whole area was just hanging out and like also Like I was saying like the shorts were high But I would hope so this wrote a must have been no they were actually they were actually surf jails Yeah, very low. Yeah, they were wearing Johnny St. A. Styleorts. He must have been hanging lower than like any geriatric man.

You know, like this was like a young guy and his scrotum must have been dangling like a foot down from where it should be. It's like people get those earlobe extenders. That's what he did with the scrotum. He got a scrotum extender. It's super hip. It's tribal. Yeah, spacers.

Anyway, that was that was my tail of balls. Dance tails of balls. That's a different boy with another dance tails of balls. Anyway, he rips off his scrotum, the prop is hilarious. It's like a cardboard egg carton with two teeny robins eggs in it. It's also, and this might be getting too disgusting, super dry. If you're gonna rip someone's scrotum off, you gotta assume that there's gonna be some kind of fluids

or blood or something. No, super dry if you're gonna rip someone's scrotum off you got to assume that there's gonna be some kind of fluids or blood or something no super dry and i mean i don't know elia i think you're i don't know i mean if you ever torn a man's scrotum off through their pants no good point that's maybe the pants wiped everything off guys how would you describe this prop how do you describe this fake half a scrotum with two little testicles in it that the movie decides to show us at this point. Yeah, there's a couple funniest prop I've ever seen. A couple of two little robins eggs in like a

little brown napkin that are then forced into the guy's mouth and I mean he basically crosses his eyes right? Like what happens? Oh, like he's getting an 80s blowjob. And it's like he dies like yes out of shame. Maybe the aim of it. I don't know. But it's like it is, it's the moment where you know someone on set was like, are we really doing this? And Frank was like, you better believe we're doing this. This is the moment that's going to make this movie hit. He's like, get me fucking Stan Winston in here.

Get me the Toronto based Stan Winston of of fake scrotives right now. I feel like that's a prop that like if somebody was auditioning for the sci-fi original series face-off, they wouldn't even submit that in there in their real. They're like, I've never done film work. It looks like they went to a novelty store and bought like novelty half scrotum, but I've never heard of such a thing. Like, and what prank would you use that for? How would it ever be useful? Yeah, it's, you're like, hey, you thought on today Easter Sunday, you were just picking up a pair of eggs in a weird little brown napkin.

Uh-uh, look closely, that is a fake scroll. Oh. Gotcha. It's so, it's like, it's an endearing moment because it's crazy. Sunny returns home to a sleeping wife, he takes off all of his rings, which is like six or seven rings.

Yeah, yeah, four days later. He never takes off his rings. So far, I'm gonna call it the VQ of this movie, The Vampire Quotient. Very minimal, very low. Gives a sleeping daughter a kiss. Santo goes to see Robert Dauvey, who, Natch, is cooking, and tells him, promise to take care of my family. They have a long conversation.

The audience is, at this point, reasonably saying, why is this movie not over already? Sonny goes to the graveyard. You hear his opening voice over and then suddenly blah blah Robert Loja is there and through context clues. We know that that's his dad and it's like What so I didn't understand if his dad was also a vampire or a ghost? Yeah I'm assuming I'm assuming a ghost. I mean if he was a vampire no offense to Robert Loja at this point But he is not looking looking that great.

He's one of those vampires who got bitten when he was in like his 80s and he didn't get any older. No, that's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the camera cuts away and then cuts back and there's just a pile of, pile of dust. No more Frank. Wait, how did he die? I think the sun came up,

or he like, just turned into dust because the sun has bothered him the whole rest of the movie. So I don't understand. But now it does. But now it does. I mean, it is fully transformed into a vampire. Have you ever read a vampire story, Dan?

No, I understand the dust, the sun. But you rip off a guy's testicles and then you turn into dust. Vampires are immune to the power, the sun, but you rip off a guy's testicles and then you turn into dust. Vampires are immune to the power of the sun until they rip off someone's testicles. Yeah. And it's like, he lost the will to live

is basically the implication, I think. I have to admit that I had to rewind it and watch the scene again to make sure I didn't miss anything because he's talking to his dad. Then we cut to a close-up of James Con looking concerned. And I guess a little sad that he didn't get turned into a vampire. And then we cut back to this pile of dust on a tombstone. And yeah, that's it. Back to the weird logo of the movie and then cut to a Frank D'Angelo song. And it's and it's just a jiggle. Oh, again, right?

Is it? I don't think that's the first song that plays over the credits, but like they kind of hustle through that number and go right back to just a chiggle Oh, I think a theme from Sicilian vampire I'm just a chiggle out from the seas love theme. Yeah Wow, so I mean future generations will only know it as the song from Sicilian vampire. Yeah, that's the thing Dan did we exhaustively cover that movie? I would say I'm exhausted. Okay.

So I guess let's move on to final judgments. Yeah, let's do that. Whether this is a good bad movie, a bad bad movie, or a movie kind of like Elliot, I think you've got something to say. I'm gonna look guys, this is for me was a classic good bad. Let's, you got a guy living out his fantasies of being a movie mobster on screen,

long scenes where nobody does anything but talk about cards. Like, cuts between different points in time and space that don't make any sense. There's that whole commercial for the Italian restaurant that just shows up in the middle of the movie at a nowhere and doesn't make any sense. And you got a lot of stars doing their best to be mumbling. I got to say, even though there was very little

vampire in this movie, I'm going to call it a good bad movie. Yeah, I would say this is a firm frightfully funny movie. Oh, I forgot. Wait, no, it's not a shock to over in small Vembrane. Okay. It was minimful. It was, no, it was way more mirthful than minimally. The, I know, but it's got to be small stuff. Oh, the, it was a tiny treat. How about that? I would say, I would say there's a good bad movie.

It's fucking crazy, but it is a challenging good bad movie because the audio is mixed so strangely that like you have to work at it to enjoy it. And that's... And then once you work at it, you realize they're not saying anything of consequence. Yeah, yeah, but it's like... It's an, yeah, they're not saying anything

about late consequence. I would say Sicilian vampire is God's final trick on humanity as it mocks the very idea of effort because you have to put so much effort into understanding it and then the payoff is is nil. Yeah, I it's almost like the universe is laughing at you for even giving a shit. I agree. It's a good bad movie that you know you look at stories and you're you ask yourself

the question why was this story told like why did it need to be told? This family is the most important thing. question, why was this story told? Like why did it need to be told? And I- This family is the most important thing, Dan. I am the half old by, like I think that Frank D'Angelo was like, just basically had like a, an idea of like, wouldn't it be cool if there's a vampire in the mob? And not remembering that that was a story that actually had been told before, but then, and he opens the movie mentioning that like this, that he's telling this story, but like, who's he talking to? He's a pile of ash at the end of the movie.

He pulled a sunset boulevard. He's just a corpse talking to a movie audience. Yeah. But it's just, yeah. There's, there's a, as Alex says, there's a very little vampire quotient. They don't do anything with the idea of a vampire in the mob. It's just like, it's like almost a documentary, like, a cinema verite, like, day in the life of a mobster.

And then at the end, like, he's like, oh, also, I was a vampire. It kind of feels like a documentary about the making of the movie you're watching now. Yeah, it's hard to tell which scenes are for the movie and which are just behind the scenes shots so the actor is hanging out. Yeah, like now I would love to see a movie where there's a whole plot and then they're like, oh yeah, and he's available. The Dead Pilot Society podcast brings you hilarious comedy pilots that were never made featuring actors like Aubrey Plaza, Andy Richter, Paul F. Tomkins, John Hodgman, Adam Scott,

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Listen, at MaximumFund.org iTunes, or wherever you download podcasts. I love forget me nuts. I'm Jesse. I'm Jordan. And we've been doing Jordan Jesse go for almost 10 years now. And it's not gotten any easier to describe. So we asked our fans to do it for us. Jordan Jesse go is a weekly conversation with two best pals, two hilarious friends, the hilarious smart kids talking about hilarious stuff that happens to them. We're mostly really stupid stuff. Accord and it them. We look really stupid stuff.

Accord and it goes insane tangents, heartfelt stuff. It's like being thrown in the middle of a hilarious conversation between you and your best pals. It's a show that makes me laugh every week, which is pretty rare and wonderful. It might be the best thing on the internet. One of the funniest things you will hear. And it's the best part of my week and has kept me company for the past seven years through all sorts of lights.

I love those guys. That's Jordan Jesse Go, the comedy podcast that's been named Best of iTunes. Every Monday on MaximumFund.org or your favorite podcasting software. I love you and kiss you and love you, love you, love you. So we've gone longer than we ever have before on one of these synopsies. So let's move on. Hey, it's, it's small. Vember.

We get lookatious. Uh-huh. Yeah, I don't get to see Elliot that much. Now they moved away, Dan. OK. Let me talk to him on the fucking computer for a second. You're saying that you don't want time with me? All right, I get it.

Thanks. All right. Elliot's in a new city, and he doesn't have a lot of friends yet, but he's really fun and people get to know him, but not yet. So he's got to enjoy this time with his buddies, reviewing movies about a Canadian vampire that's also Sicilian. Hey, do you remember when, do you remember when the Alamo draft acid that special screening for Sicilian vampire, you know, where it was it was Sicilian's only

And vampires. Oh, we or I didn't know that part. I just thought it was a room full of mobsters Yep a room full of monster mobsters. Oh We've got a one we've got one sponsor this week, and it's blue apron We've got one sponsor this week and it's Blue Apron. For less than $10 per person per meal, Blue Apron delivers seasonal recipes along with pre-portioned ingredients to make delicious home cooked meals. Now some of the upcoming meals. Listen to this, you got your summer vegetable and egg paninis

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That's us. Cool, cool, cool. The flop house. But now, now that we've got that business, what do we do next, dude? We answer a few letters. Well, before we do that, you know what we should mention? We have some live shows coming up.

Oh, cool, yeah, yeah. What's the deal with those? Yeah, there's, we got one in LA, we got one in Toronto. We got a later one in San Francisco. The Toronto one, we in error said was sold out. I have since heard that people are still able to get tickets. So we should promote that one too. Yeah, hopefully the draw in Toronto. We thought we were. Yeah, hopefully people aren't returning their tickets angrily because they thought they were getting tickets to Chappell to wrap house.

were getting tickets to Chappell to wrap house. So we've got a show on September. The eight, we got, wait, we got to show an October the eighth. October, I keep thinking it's September of its October. Dark, darn this love of September that I have. Yeah, October the eighth in LA. What's the name of the theater, the region theater? Is that correct? Yep, that's right. We have one in Toronto. And which is the, we're doing that on the Saturday, right? Yep, that's the 21st. Okay. October 21st. Uh-huh. We're doing great. And then we're really professional guys. We've got one in San Francisco. Oh, San Francisco, the home of bread balls on the ninth in December, on December, December 9th. And that's

the 9th every month has a 9th. That's at the Marines theater. Yeah, Marines Memorial theater. Come see us. This is our first time doing shows on the West Coast. So, I don't know, come out and watch us talk about a movie. Yeah. The exciting. That's October 8th at 7 p.m. in Los Angeles at the Sunday, December 9th. It's a Saturday in San Francisco and October 21st in Toronto. That's a Saturday too, right? Correct. And this all should be on the website. Cool. Okay. What else do we have to do?

I don't see, I don't see a listing a listing in the event section for the Toronto show. Yes, that's because again, I thought it was sold out. Okay. So if you're in Toronto, just Google Flophouse Podcast Toronto, and it'll get you there, or just use your blood. It's the Google of the human body. Yep. Just take some blood and give it to James Con.

Otherwise, if you're in Los Angeles, go to the flop house webpage and go to the event section, or if you're in San Francisco, buy some tickets and come see us. I'm excited to do West Coast shows. We'll be three hours more energized than they would be in New York. And I don't know about you guys. I'm going to make some new PowerPoint presentations for them. What? West Coast only.

Well, I'm not. I'm going to do an old PowerPoint presentation because I'm lazy. We got to get on those. So we'll talk about that off here. This first letter that we have from a listener is from Sam, Ben, and Ava, last names with held. A long time listener, first time writer, I think Ava is the one writing, even though it's from three people. I just wanted to thank you for bringing smiles and laughter to my otherwise doll life. It wasn't for your episodes filling my unemployed days with joy. I probably would have written this letter as a physical ransom note and sent

it to Dan's address along with some creepy voodoo dolls I've made in my spare time. Thank you for getting a hobby. He will not shit his pants and fright today because whenever I get the urge to come up with ways to scare Dan. You don't know that he may at some point. Just turn on your show.

Now, floppers, I have two listener questions. Question number one. Out of all the movies you've seen throughout the years, which would you say had the most shocking, surprising, creepy ending that stuck with you? Mine would be spoiler alert, spoiler alert.

Yeah, I feel like this whole question will be spoilers. That's just for a alert. Sleep away camp. So just jump ahead, you know, like 30 seconds or whatever you don't want to know. At the end of the sleep away camp, when you find out that Angela, the troubled protagonist, is actually Peter, who's supposedly killed at the beginning of the film. If that wasn't surprising enough in ending,

the director writer even included a scarring shot of the young teen peen on the Angela Peter character. Question number two, can you guys mainly steward, I suppose, name any other movies besides Castle Freak that has a good ding dong ripping scene that's worth watching. Mine would be returned to sweet sleep-boy camp, side note I've been watching a lot of sleep-boy camp.

When Randy gets his ding-dong ripped off by a fishing line attached to a Jeep, classic. Thanks, floppers, and keep on flopping. So the most shocking endings that you've seen and also ding-dong ripping. I mean, I There's one ding dong ripping that comes immediately to mine, but what's that Dan? Street trash. Oh, Street trash Sure, where they play keep away with the dang dong. I think in I think in sunny cheap as the street fighter He rips off some guy's stuff too Is he I don't remember I maybe I'm making that up. Maybe it's all maybe I could be accused of making up a scene in a movie where a character rips off a genitals. Now does it count

if the ding dong doesn't get all the way ripped off because there's the part and snakes on a plane just peeing in the plane. The snake jumps on and starts biting his ding dong and he has the immortal line. Hey, get off my dick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like my favorite line instead of a history. Yeah, the, I feel like, I feel like a ding dong, not getting ripped off all the way. It's basically just my observation, right?

I mean, yeah, I feel the thing about twist endings too, is, I mean, there's a lot of like shocking endings that end up like making a movie worse or being dumb. Like the ending of like, don't look now is pretty shocking, not a fan. All right. The or like the ending of the movie The Kingsman, where I'm a spoiler alert, the hero is promised anal sex with a woman if he saves the day, which he then saves the day. And the last shot of the movie is from his perspective about to have that anal that proford and what what are you talking about? no that happens in the fucking movie dude

this is a lot of us are film the kingsman yeah it's in the kingsman yeah but how is it from his point of view is the last shot just the camera zooms into an a no it's point of view is just from the tip of his skull bust right inside.

It's like he looks down and then you just see the anus waiver and the camera zooms in. And the anus wakes at you. He's my Mark Miller. Yeah. Yeah. Credits come flying to the camera. No, but he's he's wearing a pair of glasses that He's wearing glasses that have a built-in camera and so and that image is being sent to Mark Strong

Who is like in a bunker somewhere giving him advice and so we're like seeing Mark Strong watch this on his Computer and he's like you know, it's like the James Bond moment where they're like oh oh, James is up to his old tricks again, but it's, it's kind of weirder. Kind of weirder. It's okay. It's definitely weirder. Super not okay. Yeah. No, it's fucking crazy.

It feels, I mean, it feels like the worst of all Mark Miller writing kind of distilled into one moment. So I guess that's pretty shocking. What about you, Dan? The first thing that comes to my mind, and I'm sorry that I'm breaking the rules, is not a movie, but a television show. Uh huh.

The thing that has stuck with me all these years until the TV show came back was the ending to Twin Peaks. Oh, okay. Where, again, spoiler alert, the evil doppelganger Bob, agent version of Agent Cooper escapes from the Black Lodge. And you think that it's good old Dale until he rams his head into the... Yeah, and he looks at the screen and says,'s up with any dudes no and you're like what is this guy how's Annie how's it I think you're misremembering it LA what about you uh

I don't know I'm having some trouble coming up with with a good one so maybe we should just oh okay I thought I'd have one I mean mean, there's, there's moments that were like, I've seen the movies that were like deeply affecting to me at the very end, or I'm like, wait, what? But I'm having trouble thinking of one that was like a shockingly either scary or, or surprising. Yeah. I mean, I'm a big fan of endings that, uh, I don't, I don't feel like I've always been this way, but I do like movies that have a non-resolution ending, an ending something like spoiler alert again.

What is it, Martha, Marcy, May Marlene, where you're like, are the cultists coming after her, or is that just a truck? We don't know for sure. And that's, I think that type of shit's great. Or at the end of it follows, you're like, is the that type of shit's great. We're like the end of like it follows. You're like, is the person walking behind them and it follows? Yeah, I like that kind of stuff.

I mean, the ending of it's not a shocking surprise exactly, but the ending of the Manchurian candidate, rather the climax of it, is like, that's one that I've seen in a number of times and always leaves me feeling like the bottom of the world dropped out. Yeah. You know, this is the bleak ending, but I don't know. I'll take a one later. I'll write it.

Is the ending of the Manchurian candidate, the one where the Manchurian candidate has taken the sleeping potion, but he's taken it too long. And he wakes up and he's in a post-apocalyptic future. No, you're thinking of the director's kind of army. Weird, okay. The very different movie. This next letter is from Dora Last Day with Held. The Explorer.

Yeah, I was waiting for it. Hello, Dan, Elliott, and Stewart. My friends and I were throwing around a hypothetical question about movies the other day because we're that kind of people. The hypothetical is, if you could visit any movie set and get the pull behind the scenes experience, which movie would you choose? My friends' answers ranged from, I just want to eat one of those cakes from the Grand Budapest Hotel, too.

Can I go to the future instead just to see what kind of nightmare Michael Bay has cooked up for Transformers 14? Hope you guys are doing well. And always, as always, thanks for brightening my days with the podcast, all the best Dora. So it's not that you're living inside these movies, so you're visiting the set. No, I'm so it's, or is it, it's not a last action hero type thing? It could be. Yeah, can I be a cartoon cat in this situation?

It could be. Yeah. Can I be a cartoon cat in this situation? Yeah. I think you kind of already are, Stu. Yeah. I mean, I feel like there aren't very many movies made in the last, what, 10, 20 years where I would like to visit the set. Like, I feel like it would be, it would probably be like an older film, like something like, I don't know,

the Magnificent Seven or Lawrence of Arabia, like one of these like grand classic movies that also has a big sprawling cast, or I mean, or like Star Wars, I mean, I should just say Star Wars. Yeah, I was kind of surprised Star Wars wasn't the first one, you said. I was trying to be like a cool film dude first. Oh yeah, but that was super cool, yeah. Or like Goonies, like a movie I grew up with, I think, like, and that had a lot of cool weird sets and stuff built for it.

Yeah, I mean, the, the, where I would go with this is, um, I would go like Raiders of the Lost Ark or maybe Poltergeist and the reason is when I was a kid I was so fascinated with special effects in general and industrial light and magic in particular. And I would like to go with like one of these movies that I remember from my childhood that really kind of epitomized the Renaissance of like ILM stuff and seeing all the props and the different techniques that got put into that. Yeah, I probably want to go hang out on the set of Grandmonds too.

Oh, yeah. For that reason, be around a bunch of Grandmonds puppets, see how they did it. Or the old Star Wars and just go running around the Death Star. Just be fun to run around the hallways because they built the whole Death Star for them. Yeah, and grandma's too would be great because you'd get to see the inside of what is that clamp tower, clamp center before it got torn down.

Yeah, clamp tower. Before you've rededicated, before Daniel clamp rededicated himself to building a small suburban town like Klamp corners and nature slows to where life slows to a crawl or the set of the original plan of the apes I'd love to go to. Yeah, that'd be cool. So this last letter is from all names withheld because I probably just forgot to find the name. Sorry for whoever this is.

Once again, Mr. Slooth, Dan McCoy. But the letter is titled, Eric Roberts, Holy Shit, and it says, Eric Roberts is probably the most prolific actor of our time. How has he not been in more flop house movies? For 2017 alone, I count 42 movies in 2017 all before May. I'm not even I'm not even sure why he's been in so many movies, but I'd like speculation from the flop house boys as to why. So obviously I uh, well, I think this letter since we watched him in Sicilian vampire. I think number one is, I mean, the guy's got a great work ethic, you know?

And he's just got a face that's just like, one of those like, kind of bland vanilla faces, like a real, every man look about it. You know what I mean? I mean, Oh boy. Yeah, I don't, that's insane that he's been in so many movies and I actually haven't seen more of them.

Like, although it seems like mainstream Hollywood has given up on him outside of like Christopher Nolan. Who? I don't know about that. He shows up every now and then in little things. Yeah. Like little roles. He's like, but he's one of these guys who like,

seems like he'll do whatever. And if there's an actor with a well-known name he'll do whatever, then like people will make use of them. Yeah, and since I have a lot of time I sense what else is he doing with his life? You know, he's an actor. He's got acts. Well, he also does stuff like Talking cat where he's recording everything from his bathtub. So it's easier for him to If it's if that counts as a movie role then yeah He doesn't have to leave the bathroom. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, he was either in the bathroom

or maybe seated in his computer, writing the next great American novel. I can only imagine. I'm looking through his filmography. One of the movies for 2017 is The Best Thanksgiving Ever. Mm, okay. Way to set the standard. And he's also the terror of Hall those eve. So it's really hidden the

holiday. Holiday films. Yeah. No fence to Eric Roberts. The best Thanksgiving ever. It probably does not involve Eric Roberts. There's something called after school special that has a sexy Catholic school girl on the front of it. Okay. Devil Dogs and Child of Satan. Yeah, he's got a lot of... Team up? Yeah, no, those are two separate movies. Yeah, the team up's gonna be in 2018.

Well, as part of the Eric Roberts Cinematic Universe. He's got an upcoming project called, just called Taco Shop. Ha, ha, ha. So he's doing just fine. Oh, he plays. Wait, I'm sorry, he's got something also coming called baddies take down the house. So clearly, he says, this is the this is the very, this is the classic era of his career. And again, I don't want to, I don't want to attack it. And actors got to act, you got it, you got to, you got to career. And again, I don't want to attack it. An actor's got to act. You got to do work.

I'm not going to attack anyone for taking the jobs that are available. It does seem like there's a room though of people coming up with the craziest possible movie ideas just to pitch them to Eric Roberts. People do. I bet they generate the titles. And then they email them. And they say, would you be in a movie

and this title goes, yeah, sure. And they're like, okay, we got to write a movie that goes with the title, Fatty, take down the house. Do you think they send them a big list of movie names that they made up? And they're like, which ones will you do? And they're like, he'll only pick like one of them. And then we'll write the script based on that. And he's like, fuck it, I'll do all of them. They're like, shit. Go get a bunch of Jolt Cola. We're going to be here all night. We'll be writing all night.

Let's move on to our last segment, which is recommendations of films that you should watch. Let's say in addition to Sicilian vampire, not instead of necessarily because we all had a good time watching Sicilian vampire. Not instead of necessarily because we all had a good time watching Sicilian vampire. So I'll go first. I um a while back now we haven't recorded it's been a while since we recorded or it's been a while since I saw the movie. I went to there was a retrospective of Jonathan Demi's films at the Brooklyn Academy of Music. And I saw an early movie of his, I think it was like 79, maybe I could be getting that wrong, that he did called Last Embrace.

And it's largely been forgotten, but I really enjoyed it. It's a Hitchcock pastiche, which you can tell because it has things like it ends up in a big fight on Niagara Falls. And there's another scene that I... Classic Hitchcock. Well, you know, he likes to have... Nope. Well known for his Niagara Falls fight.

Like the one in Psycho and the one in Vertigo. He likes to... One of the big stereotypes in the end of his films. In Disturbia. Hitchcock's classic dystervia. Yeah. It also does that Hitchcock thing, and there's a fight in a... Getting really fat.

Yes. Does he do the Hitchcock thing where the main character walks out and a bunch of doves fly all over the place? I think he might think of something else. Does he do that Hitchcock thing where a cowboy gets shot in slow motion and the body falls to the ground really slow?

Yeah, he does all of these things, but the thing I was in particular thinking of is that Hitchcock Does he do that Hitchcock thing where he goes on vacation with his friends who are also Hollywood stars and they just film a movie about it and they call it grown-ups, too? Forget it. Classic Hitchcock. I'm not even to say, no, Dan, what do they do? What else do they do? What else do I do? He does that hitchcock thing. Do they do that hitchcock thing where the actors turn to the camera and address the audiences that the audience is there?

Where? Do they do that hitchcock thing where a guy with a machine gun says to Tom Hanks, I'm the captain now. Where they... Did they do that hitchhiking? Where it's all motion capture, and it's a polar express? All right, so watch the movie. And right in to think what hitchhiking thing

you thought that I was talking about. But it's a good movie. It stars Roy Scheider. It has cameos or smaller parts. Christopher Walken is in it. John Glover who we all love is Daniel Clamp from Grimmelunds 2. It's also, it's spoiler alert. It is a Jewish thriller.

It, uh, Wait, Judy isn't thinking why is that a spoiler? I mean, like, it's just like, it, is it like the end of sleep away camp where it's revealed and you're like, he's been circumcised? I just don't want to give away too much of the movie, but it's kind of interesting. You don't usually see like that element in a thriller. So it's a very fun movie. I enjoyed it a lot. It's a very fun movie. I enjoyed it a lot. So I recommend Last Embrace. That's cool. I'm going to recommend another writer, director, star, vampire movie. I'm going to recommend a movie from the 90s called Habit.

Written and directed in starring Larry Fessenden, who is kind of like an indie horror guy who has been pretty influential with the indie horror scene. He's the hardest-working man in horror, right? Yeah, I mean, he's still pretty influential and still kind of involved with the like new crop of young indie horror filmmakers. If you, if he was also involved in that, that video game that came out a little while ago, until Dawn, where you, like, the pitches

that you're kind of, like, playing out the story of a slasher movie, and the choices you make will affect the direction of the game. You know, like most video games, but in this case, you're, like, you're, like, directing a slasher movie in that game. And Habit is a movie about a man who is coming out of a breakup and his life's falling apart,

and he finds himself in a whirlwind relationship with a woman who turns out to be a vampire and it plays out with themes of like addiction and relationships. And I remember seeing it not long after it came out and not really getting it and then seeing it a few years later and liking it a bit more. I mean, it does have something to do with how much you will take from it will also be tied with how much you like 90s indie cinema, but I think it's a great little horror movie. All right. And I also wanted to recommend a little vampire movie. A little vampire. The little vampires, it's about a Dracula gets shrunk with a shrink ray. And now it's riding

around in a kid's pocket to school. Is that what happens in that fucking movie? Because Jonathan Lipnicki's in that movie, the littlest vampire. That's the littlest vampire. I think he's just a kid vampire. Okay. He's not too mood-murderous people. Yeah. And also he's stuck, he must be stuck as a child his entire life like he didn't let the right one in yeah terrifying Yeah, where is it near dark? Yeah, there's I both of them. Yeah, yeah or I want to or what

Interview with vampire interview with a vampire. Yeah, the movie I was thinking of I was thinking of an interview. Yeah, they interviewed a vampire. Uh-huh. I'm 60 minutes But anyway, I want to recommend an indie vampire movie and I wanted to recognize the recently deceased George A. Romero and mention his vampire movie, Martin, which is not the easiest one to find right now. But you can find it. I used to own a VHS copy of it for years and sadly gave it away when I got rid of my VHS collection. But it's a great movie about a guy who is convinced he's a vampire. He does not have things, he does it, he can go out in the sun, he doesn't have the supernatural elements of being

a vampire, but he's convinced he has it and his relatives are convinced he's a vampire. And it's kind of about the loneliness and isolation from society that humans and vampires share, but that also might drive someone to identify with being a vampire rather than maybe admitting their situation for real. But whether he's actual vampire or not, I'll let you watch the movie to find out. that's Martin. So you're George Romero. I've always been trying to track that one down and it's just really hard to find. It can be very hard to find. Stuart, if I realize that, I want to give you my VHS copy. But I don't have a VHS player, so I guess I'd have to like just like run it by my eyes real fast.

Just look at the magnetic tape and see what it looks like. Yeah. I wonder if there's some way to find online that if it's ever playing in a theater near you, listeners or Stuart, it is well worth going to go see. It's a really good movie. And it's too bad that it's so hard to find. Those old Romero movies are hard to find in general. Like it's kind of hard to see the crazy, it's hard to see nightriders. Like I don't know. The crazy's and nightriders at least have been, they've had a DVD release. Yeah.

They've writers is hard to find. Was it called the Coven? That one's really hard to find sometimes, or like whatever the name of it is. The, the, but, or was. It's like the crazies they at least re-released not too long ago, but there was. Does that have to do with like the right stuff,

like after not living dead? When the movie The Right Stuff came out, There was doesn't have to do with like like the right stuff like After not living dead when the movie the right stuff came out Like no more George your mouth. It was only making movies about NASA now All right guys, but I think it is I think it's I think it's a right situation What's rap things out close to night Living Dead, which is in the public domain. Yeah. And entered the public domain instantly when it was released because they didn't put the copyright on the film itself,

which is crazy. Yep, some lazy title card writers did not put the copyright on. And the rest is history. Cecilian vampires, how have in Frank D'Angelo, rake in the million. Yeah. Guys, let's... Guys, I want to admit something. Okay. So Cylian vampires help in Frank D'Angelo rake in the million. Yeah Guys guys I want to admit something okay after seeing this movie. Yep, when we go to our Toronto show I really want to go eat dinner at the forget about it. Yeah, yeah, no shit. We're totally going there All right, yeah, I gotta make a reservation now. I don't know whether we need to make a reservation

I don't know whether we need to make a reservation. Let's close up the old flop house. Okay. With the lock door. Lock the door. Yep. There's the creaky door. Rattle the keys. Rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle.

Rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle,

rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, max on fun.org to hear a lot of other great shows. And for the flop house, I've been Dan McCoy. Hey, I'm Stuart Wellington. I'm Elliot Kaelin and I'm a vampire, twist. Oh no. Bye. That crazy show at the Kings Theatre, my brother, my brother and me doing a podcast on a card table on this huge stage in front of like 3,000 plus people. I'm never gonna forget the image of John Hodgman eating hummus with a spoon. Ha ha ha. Part of the show.

Nope, that was in the back backstage while when everybody ran over to see still buffering go on, he used that opportunity to go raid the hummus table. Ha-ha-ha. Maximumfund.org. Comedy and culture, artists don't. Listen or support it. reported.