The Flop House - Ep. #251 - Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets

Episode Date: February 17, 2018

We watch one we were all honestly pretty excited about: Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets. Were we all as excited once we were done? Meanwhile Dan introduces a new Jeff Foxworthy routine, Elliott explains Nicholas Cage's pursuit of Bernadette Peters, and 'allo 'allo? Oo's back again, then, Stuart? Wikipedia synopsis for Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets Movies recommended in this episode Mom and Dad Raw Now, Voyager

On this episode we discuss Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets. Not to be confused with Valerian Root, the cure for a thousand ailments, available at your drugstore. Hey everyone and welcome to the flop house, I'm Dan McCoy, Jim Appell Stewart-Willington. And me, Elliot Kaylin. And I want to start by just saying, Hey, everybody, Mary, whatever holiday it is when you're listening to this, because I don't know when you're going to listen to it. Maybe it's Christmas time. Maybe it's New Year's. Maybe it's Valentine's Day, which is coming up as we're about as we're recording

now. Maybe it's Passover, which is also coming up, you know, in a little bit. So whatever holiday you're listening to it during, I hope you're having a good one. Good night. That's the, yeah, all right. Our thing we do every episode. Just to be safe, I just want to cover our bases. I realize we've never done that,

and what if someone's listening to this during a holiday, and they're going to feel weird that we didn't wish them a merry one, they're going to think we're like anti-there religion, and I don't want to cause that to happen. That's why I named Valentine's Day a religious holiday. Yeah, it's named after Zaint Valentine. Zaint Valentine, which is one thing. Zaint Valentine.

When Billy Zane. Billy Zane. Billy Zane. Billy Zane. Billy Zane. Billy's a Billy's a Valentine sounds like if you did a black exploitation version of Billy's a And it's like this is the story of Billy's a Valentine star of black Titanic and black phantom So what are we doing this podcast now? The star of Titanic.

Uh, name a bigger star of Titanic. Uh, uh, okay, the boat. Sure. Bill Paxton. Okay. He's on screen earlier than Billy Zane. Yes, he's the star. You're right.

And he's a way bigger star. Then Billy Zane. Yeah. Bill Paxton. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, did Bill Paxton play the phantom? I can't believe I took a fancy with Yeah. Bill Paxton. Yeah. Did Bill Paxton play the Phantom? I can't believe I took a fancy with this.

That's true. Yeah, it is. Was it the Louis Vuitton Phantom? Yeah, it was the Louis Vuitton Phantom. You're right. Yeah, maybe, you know what? Pre-Big Love, I'm right. Post-Big Love, you're right.

What about Victor Garber? He's in Titanic and he's the captain of the ship. Hey, guys. He's more important than that. I just saw Victor Garber on Broadway in Hell of a Goliath. Damn it. Hey, Dan, you're doing me now. Wait, who's playing Dolly?

Is it you saw that with Betnettler? I saw it with Bernadette Peters. Oh, he was fantastic. Yeah, that sounds great. Yeah, she's a national treasure. Wait, that's why Nicholas Cage has to find a treasure map to her. It's not very hard, but treasure map. I can tell him that he's appearing on Broadway six nights a week.

Well, Dan, he's really in it for the chase, not the goal. Okay. You know what? The truth treasure. I've noticed this podcast to find out that the truth treasure was the friends he made along the way. Okay. Isn't that what he says at the international treasure? You know, guys, the true treasure was the friends he made along the way. Oh, okay. Isn't that what he says at the international treasure?

You know guys, the true treasure was the friends we made along the way. And this goal. And this goal, you survived this sports car at the end of the movie. He bought a sports car at the end of the movie. Yeah. I hope it was an American made sports car. That's true. Is there such a thing?

Yeah, like a Dodge charger, Dodge is an American company, right? I mean, if he's using these national, like if he's using American gold to buy something, I'm just saying keep it in the country. Well, that's time for stews America first populism podcast, the pop house. So, so what are we doing this podcast, Dan? This is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it. And tonight, or whenever we watched it, we watched the Larry. I want to look, I want to apologize for Dan to everybody. Whatever holiday is that you're celebrating, let's say it's Christmas. Maybe Dan's had a little too much eggnog or a little too much turkey. He's feeling a little sleepy So everybody Dan is having a sleepy holiday. I think Dan's doing a great job, Elliot. Why hasty? Why are riding him?

I have a cold one of my frequent colds. I feel like this is a returning theme on the podcast that Dan is sick I don't know what it is about me that my like that. You're immune system. Yeah. I guess that's what it is about you literally is your immune system is bad. Yeah. Well, what happened was Dan was feeling sick. So he wouldn't do his kitchen to get some dayquill. And he poured himself a hearty glass of dayquill and then he looked at the bottle and it says nightquill and he goes, Oh, oh. it says night will and he goes, oh, oh. Yeah. Yeah, he filled himself a solo cup of day quill.

He's got to power through the podcast. So what did we watch tonight? Valerian and the city of a thousand planets. Man, it's a mouthful. Yeah. Now, this is a movie. Let me just tell you that's not a lie. Okay, so facts number one Pull it a fact check it. Look it up. I'm not lying. It's a movie. Don't give me a pen of view or a pencil on fire

pants remain uninflamed So this is a movie that when it came out They it was like they were they was like they were going out of their way to tell the audience nothing about what this movie was about or what watching it was like. All I knew from the commercials and the posters was there's something called a Valerian. I didn't know if it was a person a place a thing. I knew there was a thousand planets in the city. What does that mean? And I knew that Dane De Han was in it. but otherwise, I'll end up in the raw star power in Dane DeHon. And I knew that he flew a spaceship at some point, and otherwise it was like they were going

out of their way to tell you what this movie was about. And I think more people might have seen it if they had known this movie was like a big space opera type adventure. I got that from the ads. You see people flying space ships, you think it's a space opera? Like I just... For all I knew, it it was about people test driving spaceships all day. All right. I mean, that's before they bought one, a one like a used cars, but in outer space. Exactly. Pitch it. I feel like the plot to this movie is, is so bonkers that it's really hard to sum up in a trailer. That's true. But then what they could have expressed expressed in the trailer was how bonkers the movie is. I feel like they were trying to hide how bonkers

crazy it was. Because this is essentially the fifth element times a million. This is like a million elements. What? Like remember how the fifth element came out and we were like, this is bonkers. Yeah. We all, all the only snack that they would serve at the theaters of your watching it was bonkers. That was the only candy you could buy. Because that's how bonkers it was. Yeah, they gave out three copies of Bonkers revenge as you left the theater. That was the only video game you were allowed to play

for the rest of your life after watching the movie. Wow. Yeah. That's a rough contract you signed. Yeah. No, you had to redefine print when you signed a movie contract for when you're watching a movie.

Yeah. Yeah. Still, I can tell you anything you want to know about Bonk's revenge. Uh huh. I don't know. You don't know what you gave man. He's a cave man and his head gets really big and he bonks people with it. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait That's the only thing I don't know is what he's getting revenge for. I assume the mob killed his family. I'm just sick of these heroes with tragic pasts. Probably as fucking girlfriend got stuffed in a refrigerator. Oh boy. I'm looking it up.

You look at what Bonquan had revenge about. Okay, so I'll talk about Valerian in the city of a thousand planets. Let's get into the box now. So it's based on a comic book that would have been seen in France. Uh, then Belgium. Yeah, it would have been the sort of thing you would have seen on the pages of metal or a lamp, right? That's the other thing is when it, when it came out, I assumed it was based on like a series of YA novels. Uh, it looked like a real hunger game maze runner type thing.

And it was the fault in our Star Wars. Let's call it. So two things. But it's not based on that. Yes. Two things. Bunk was trying to get like someone stole the moon and so he was getting revenge. I guess someone just like part of the moon. I didn't remember that. Okay. I mean, those are some pretty big stakes. And, uh, yeah. And the other thing is when this movie came out, people pointed out that it was, wait, wait, wait, wait, you're the other thing you're going to say is not about bonk? No. Okay. My notebook away. No, you're talking about the title. You're talking about the title of this film and like, and what it's about and like what it's based on. People were mad, uh, rightfully so I think that

it was not just that was called Valerian in the city of the thousand planets rather than Valerian and Lorling, which is what the thing is called and the fact that Lorling is an equal character in the movie. She's an equal character in the movie. So it's weird that they just have the guy as the name of the film. I will say that Valerian and Lorling, Val Valorian of Luriline sounds like jewels and gem. It sounds like a French movie about a couple or a French. They should have just called it City of a Thousand Planets or something like that.

It's called like Space Adventure craziness. Crazy space. They should have called it crazy spaces. It's a mad mad mad mad world. It's a mad mad mad mad universe. It's what they show. Oh, yeah. That's a better name. Um, yeah, so right

It should have been called Valerian and Loreling and so this or Loreling and Valerian. Oh Blue my mind or Loreling and the city of a thousand planets sure I mean either those would have been just as good right. I mean, were they worried it was gonna I mean, I guess they were worried it was going to be like a John Carter situation. And then they just had this situation. Yeah. Exactly. Well, the other problem is that it's, this is another one of those, like John Carter, it seems like this is a movie playing off of the filmmakers love of a specific property that is not known of by most of the people in the United States of America. Let alone, I don't know the rest of the way. I mean, Europe, I assume it's fairly well known.

But like that Luc Besson apparently for years wanted to make a movie of these characters, but like, I never heard of them before. You know, and I'd consider myself fairly in the know about Euro science fiction comic books. I mean, they were popular. I mean, they're fairly popular. And they were apparently a pretty big influence on George Lucas for the Star Wars, the original Star Wars trilogy.

Apparently a number of the plot lines, echo sequences you would see in the original Star Wars trilogy. I'm gonna have to see proof that George Lucas saw those comics. Okay, I don't have it in front of me. I guess catch up with me next year. Pull out your dossier, I guess. Do it. Get put a agent steal on the case. Yeah. Okay, let's talk about what happens in this movie, huh? So this is a totally crazy movie about our space. So what do they do? They open the movie with a montage of real space missions

and the craziest song you could have in a movie about space, David Bowie's Space Audity. Hey, that's never been done before. Yeah, this is a pretty good. I still like the opening a lot. I think they all miss pretty great. I think that I wish they had, I wish other people had not used the song as much because it actually

works very well for the opening of this movie. Specifically, I wish they had not used it in the Martian where I was like, you know, a little on the nose, the Martian. Yeah. But, so we see this montage of real space footage that turns into future space missions as over, you know, decades and decades, the International Space Station becomes Alpha Station. It's enormous space station with thousands of alien species on it. And it's too big for Earth orbit, and they launch it into the unknowns of outer

space. And then, and this is a really cool montage where it's like, you keep seeing the cap, the director of the space station greeting different people from different countries and then aliens from different planets. And then make a point to like change the director, like it's not the same people greeting people every time. They like it older and then they get replaced. And yeah, it's a really cool.

It's the, it's the, it's more of an inspiring version of the opening from up. We're trying to pass this very elegantly. Sure, yeah, yeah. It's an extent of being about a wife learning that she, a woman learning she cannot bear children and then dying. It's about people reaching out into the stars. And the, it has, it reminds me of, it reminded me of the opening credits of Watchmen,

where watching it, I was like, wow, I'm kind of excited for the rest of this movie. Like this is a pretty artfully done thing set to a appropriate popular song. Now cut to 400 years later. And this is what we get into serious European comic book science fiction, like Mobius's codex surf any honest type stuff because we're on we're with a bald alien lady with shimmery skin on a kind

of tropical planet where they they fish Pearl everyone's bald and supermodel thin and all stretched out and they're on a world where they fish pearls out of the ocean. Yeah, they have a pearl based economy. They even watch their faces in pearls. Yes, they everything's pearls. Then they feed the pearls to a little armadillo type creature and it shakes its booty around and then pearls fly out of it. I mean, it looks shit. It shits out pearls, right? Yeah, but they fly. They don't just fly out of the butt. It flies out like all the pores in this skin. It seems like unless it was just a very classily shot scene of an armadillo shitting pearls out of its butt. And LA has experience with non-classily shot

versions of that scene. Oh boy, do I ever? That's what working on the daily show is all about. It's just trying to get an armadillo to ship pearls in a way that it looks elegant. If you can show it on broadcast television. Anyway, but then there's explosions in the sky. Uh oh, alien spaceships are all crashing around them. Ah, it leads to explosions. And the bald lady that we followed from the very beginning from her waking up in the morning

and washing her face with pearls, to her feeding pearls to an armadillo, she gets killed in the explosion as her family watches through the shield of a spaceship that they, you know, are hiding in. And Jean-Lich is a blue light wave that flies across the universe and through space and time. And where does it land?

In a beach simulation where Dane Dahan is just kind of kicking around, lying down, and it wakes him up from a tanning on a fake beach. And then he argues with Laura Line. We're introduced to these two characters, Valerian and Laura Line, who are essentially space military spies, but they don't do espionage.

They just do the kind of, they do movie spy missions where you go in and you blow up a bunch of stuff or you shoot a bunch of people. And they, yeah. And we have a scene of, let's say, artless flirtation. Yes, they do a lot of, it's this kind of argument flirting

that in the best movies is like Whitty Banner that shows that they're putting effort into trying to one up each other and that's how they express their kind of feelings for each other. They genuinely don't, she genuinely doesn't seem to like him very much. Like, Lurelein genuinely seems to find Dane Dahan's plying at her and like and

proposing to her like to be like going too far to be offensive. Yeah. I think they were shooting for like out of sight and they ended up with my memories of being on a subway platform in Germany from when I was in college. And me having to pretend I was the boyfriend of the girls I was hanging out with so they would feel less threatened. Yeah, it's a they don't they don't really seem to like each other, but look they're partners. They've got to work together and he's like, hey, I really love you.

And she's like, did you say that to all your other conquests and all these pictures of these women he's slept with come up? And this is what I was trying to get. So should I be, should I think it's cool that they cast a guy who is not what I would call movie star handsome in this role? Okay.

As much as he's not an ugly guy, he's not a terrible looking guy. He's got a certain like, geek attractiveness to him, I think. But the fact that he is not a guy who looks like he bagged a million conquests, I was like, movie, come on. But maybe I should be happy that a guy who looks kind of nerdy is doing all this. How should I feel about it?

Guys, you're too woke, hashtag me to type of people. How should I feel about it? I mean, like, I'm glad that you read my t-shirt, but the way to... The big problem with this movie, let's just say it off the top, is that the leads are not that charismatic. I find Laurelian a little more charismatic than Valarion. But because her eyebrow game is on point, I think we can all agree to that, right? She is Isabella Rosalini is rolling in her grave.

I would say not, I mean, she's not dead. She's still alive, but she sleeps in a grave because she's a vampire or so, okay? I would say not since Kim Novak, have we seen dark bushy eyebrows used so well on an actress' face? But yeah, I find her more charismatic, but the two of them are both kind of assholes.

They're both kind of dicks. They don't like each other, they don't like anybody else. They don't seem to give a shit about the lives of the people who get caught in the crossfire of their missions. There's a real like a, like diabolic thing where the comic and the movie diabolic where these are supposed to be the heroes but they just kill people with impunity

and you're like, I don't like these people. But I, Do you think the casting was like, my guess is that they cast what? Cara DeLiving, how do you pronounce her name? I've got no idea. It's already delivered to Levine. Oh, okay.

Do they cast her first? And then they're like, well, we need a lead who is roughly the same height. I might guess it's me cast. Like it is someone who's equally willowy. Yeah, like, I feel like just looking at the covers of the comics, they probably were shooting for like, I mean, I could be totally wrong, but they were shooting for like a Harrison Ford Han Solo type. Yes.

And then maybe they decided to go more of a YA route because they do look like they could pass for teenagers. They look young. For people for a guy who's supposed to be what a major in the army He looks like he's like 15 years old and there's a scene later on where he punches Clive Owen and knocks him out And I'm like there is no way Clive Owen is a huge slab of man Clive Owen would take that guy apart. Yeah, but you mentioned Clive Owen Which which leads me to say hello hello, but also the That's the weird thing. So my guess

behind the casting is they said the effects for this movie are going to cost about $179 million. So we can't get the biggest stars in the front roles in the leading roles and we'll get bigger stars for later on because like live Owens in it, Rihanna's in it, Ethan Hawks in it, Herbie Hancock for some reason has a prominent role. He's not even an actor. Rutger Hauer appears for less than a minute in it as like the president of space. And you know, Rutger Hauer pulls down those big paychecks. Yeah. In Europe he probably does.

Yeah. Yeah. Rutger Hauer is one of those guys where it's like, where in America, the best he can do is kind of like an HBO, made for HBO science fiction movie. But in Europe, I'm sure he can pull big numbers, you know? I'm talking Alan Moore of Bill St. Kavitch Big Numbers. That's right.

The comic book series they never finished, yeah? Yeah. So anyway, I mean, I feel like it reminds me of like, how Yoda Rowsky was trying to cast Salvador Rowsky. Hold on a second, how have I never heard thought of before the fact that Yoda Rousky was trying to cast Salvador. Wait a minute. Hold on a second. How have I never heard thought of before the fact that Yoda Rousky has Yoda in his name? I think that's where George Lucas got the idea.

He's always stealing stuff from everybody. Yeah. Anyway, that makes sense. Then why there's that scene and Empire Strikes Back where Yoda has his son trained in karate for two years to start in a movie that never gets made. You're saying about Yoda Ravsky though. But it reminds me of how he was trying to cast Salvador Dali as, as the emperor of the universe. As the emperor of space. Yeah, there's such a weird, like, it's a weird thing of like, well, I could get an actor, but why don't I get a famous musician to learn how to act

and be in this role? Or not? He's not bad in it. I mean, he's not terrible in it, but all he does is basically appear on a business screen and give exposition. No, but then they also got Rihanna, who I guess has, you know, she's been in battleship and other things. Yeah.

She did an okay job in this movie, I thought. I mean, she did fine. I mean, her job, she's mostly voice acting, and there's the one dance scene where she spends half the time being a body double. So, the, you know, she didn't have so much to do. And of course, Ethan Hawk is a flamboyant fireball in his scenes. So- Yeah, yeah, yeah. He wanted to eat up all the scenery.

In his- he's like, it's like, what? What? Can someone feed this man a hamburger? Because he's up all the scenery. He's like, he's like, what? What can someone feed this man a hamburger? Because he's eating all the scenery. In his role is a brothel owning space cowboy. But anyway, we'll get to the end of that part. But I do think that if anything sums up the spirit of this movie, it's the fact that there's a brothel-owning space cowboy in it. Yeah. Who has imprisoned a shape-chifting alien lady named Bubble. So we're still in the beginning of this. So this is another thing about the movie. A very weird thing will happen.

We've just seen these bald aliens who do not speak English. It's all in an alien language up to that point after that early montage. They live in a culture where they use pearls, they stick them inside of armadillos, the armadillos poop out more pearls. There's a huge space belt. They're clarifying. This woman dies and a blue beam of light bursts out of her body and wakes up, dainty hon. And then so all this crazy stuff has happened and dainty hon goes, computer, can you analyze

that? And the computer goes, it seems someone put memories in your head of an alien culture. And it's like, whoa, so that's how we're gonna unravel it. Is the computer's just gonna tell him? Like the movie sets up crazy, like crazy things happen, bonkers things. And then somebody's just like, oh yeah, that's the thing that does such and such.

Moving along, like there's, yeah, he seems very interesting. Probably not to grade in. Yeah, yeah. So they go too, but anyway, they go on their first mission of the movie. They're special agents. They're picking up a rare animal called a converter, which of course is the armadillo that poops pearls we saw earlier.

You feed it anything and it poops out copies of that thing. That's amazing. It's the last one of its kind of the universe. And of course, they land on a desert planet and ride a hover school bus to like a space mosque where there's an Interdimensional kind of Market bizarre where you have to wear VR goggles There's tourists wearing VR goggles to see this market bizarre world and he has to he has a box And like special gloves to interact with the market. Yeah

So Dandall has like a boxy He has a box. He can stick his hand in so he can point guns at people in this other dimension. And he basically, he stops an alien who's like a, you know, like a job of the type. And I really, who sounded like he was voiced by John Goodman. Was it? Yeah, I think so. But he's like a fixer type. And he's the fixer type is giving the converter or selling the converter to some bald aliens that look like the ones we saw earlier in the movie. And they're very clearly the same race of aliens.

And I'm just trying to create the mystery. And they give him exchange one pearl, which apparently is super valuable and full of energy. But Valarians disembodied hands sticking out of a portal with a gun. Man, it stops them, and he takes the converter and the pearl. And there's a, and a big chase through the bizarre ensues, where, and then eventually they have to fight off a big dog lizard as they escape off the planet. Himaloralion or like, it's your basic lots of crazy things happening and little jokes along the way and like running into people and going whoa whoa whoa whoa and then explosions and it's it's just a mat your imagination of what this thing is is basically what it is it goes on for a long time and it's not a bad science fiction chase comedy action

sequence but it certainly it let's just say it out stays it's welcome I was ready for them to get away from this place long before they were out of there. And also the bad guy six, the bad guy six, this big lizard monster on them. And the lizard monster is just doing what it's been trained to do. And they may get rid of it by it climbs onto the back of their spaceship. They take off the spaceship and it falls thousands of miles to the surface of the planet. So probably, yeah, presumably to its death. Yeah, that has to be. I would have liked it better if it had a little cartoon puff of smoke at the bottom of it, like if it was a road runner

cartoon. And then it just went, ow. Yeah. Or if it even more so, if it like held up like one of the little signs. It was a little sign, yep. OK, so guys, let me tell you my honest opinion in the movie at this point in the film.

Uh-huh. I was like, this is exactly what I want this movie to be. Yeah, exactly. It is like a non-stop crazy science fiction cartoon, where I don't think there was one moment where I cared about the plot or the characters. But it was like, Luke Passon, just start keep throwing crazy things at me.

And it wasn't until the last like 20 or so minutes when the plot kind of kicks in and they're trying to tie things up and they stop throwing crazy stuff at you that I was like movie. Should have should have ended before the movie ended but I gotta say this was a by this point I'm like movie cast a spell on me. Yeah, I agreed. me. Yeah, Maligrid. I mean, so much of it, so much of it is the leads at this point, and throughout the rest of the movie are so over it and unimpressed with everything they see. It's kind of difficult for you, the viewer, to enjoy it because you're like, yes, should I also think it's dumb? Should I also be annoyed that there's aliens running around? The characters go over the edge from being cool and cynical to being just, yeah, just like assholes who are like, oh, this again.

And it's, yeah, it's like movie. If you can't be enthusiastic about your movie, then like, what, what am I supposed to do? Yeah. You know, but okay. So Valarian escapes. They took and little or a line, but I'm going to say Valarian because he's the one with the name and the title, he must be the important character. So Valarian and Loreline escape,

they have that converter and they've got that magic pearl. Valarian examines the pearl and the computer again is like, oh, this is full of energy, it's from a vanished planet. And he goes, look up that planet and they say, access to Nide, information on this planet is only for generals. Yeah, what is it, Fucking comey now or something? And frankly, it is a lot like comey now.

Yes, it is very similar to comey, except comey always had bad weather. Yeah, and it looks like this plan has only good weather. So my intellectual property lawyers have no grounds to stand on. Yep. Much as in Star Wars, all the planets have one environment, this environment is beautiful beaches all the time. Never rain cloud. This, we're getting to the point where the Larian and

Loreline are coming back to the city of a thousand planets. And speaking of which, what you're saying, like the computer gives them a recap about the city of a thousand planets and it's like all stuff that they should have known already, but it's just because we in the audience can get an information about it. And likewise, to, you know, like planets all being the same in this place, like all aliens just seem to do one thing. Yes, they've got like the one job for each alien. Every there's one aliens that some annual aliens that handle

computers, some aliens that handle, I guess, janitorial, there's the aliens and human resources. There's the one alien race that just fixes the printer and the copier, make sure there's enough toner in it. There's the one alien race that like organizes the birthday parties in the office. There's the one, there's the alien race that's just receptionists. There's the alien race that does a lot of like data entry.

There's the alien race that is like, you're not really sure what they do around there, but they've been working there longer than you. So you assume that they have a job that you just don't know about. There's the alien race that's on middle management that don't really need to be there and they kind of understand that in a way.

So they're real dicks that they can feel important. There's the alien race that's the boss's son who like, he doesn't even show up half the time, but you know, he's going to inherit the company or sorry, inherit alpha, the city of a thousand planets and you're like, oh, come on, he's going to run into a ground. There's that one alien race that's always getting caught, faxing its resume to other space stations. They all just do the one thing. Each race. And here's a good summary, that's a good summary, Elliott. Thank you. Thanks. But it is true that Dan, like they supposedly they live on alpha. So it's like if you were driving home to New York from some from out of town. And your car was like, welcome to New York City.

Population, seven or eight million, founded in 1890, whatever, when when when when New York and Brooklyn combined to make the five burrows and once and you'd be like, okay, I get it. You're like it the East Village is where the cool college students hang out. But also in Williamsburg, you're like, okay, I get it. Thank you. Papaya King serves hot dogs with Papaya juice. Who the fuck? So they go there, they, they report in and they find that from their, their immediate superior, there's a secret radioactive thing in the center of alpha, this field of deadly radiation that keeps getting bigger, and everyone they send into it has disappeared. But that's when Commander Cliveau and Waxin,

uh-oh. Hello. Hello. And yes, Stuart, what does he say when he walks in? Says Pip Pip Cheerio, it's me Cliveau. And he's got a chimney sweep outfit on, I think. No, his outfit looks more like, it looks more like, like if Sheriff David Clark merged with like one of the bots or bats from GI Joe, because it looks like he's got a big like circuit board strap to his chest.

Yeah, he's a very, he's Sheriff Clark character. And so there, they've been, so there's this big meeting that's going to go on so that the commander can figure out what's happening with this thing in the center of alpha. And Valarion and Laura Lyon are going to protect him. They've been assigned to. And he's like, it's okay. I've got these K-10s.

They're these super boss looking robot assassin soldiers that follow me everywhere. And they don't have faces. And they're like, no, we're still going to Valerian and Laura along with you because they need someone to watch the commander. I assume because he's gonna like run off and have a Ferris Bueller's Day Off type adventure if he doesn't have shape around. And they're like, where's the commander?

He's supposed to be at this meeting and then you hear doggo shame, except it would be like, astro doggo shame. I don't know, I feel like the way this movie uses pop music, it would just be Donkey Shane. Yeah, I guess so. It would be like a space rest. It would be like a techno Euro Club DJ version of Donkey Shane.

Anyway, and Laura Lyne, she's befriending the converter who poops out energy pearls for her. But Commander Clive Owen goes off in his own, he's torturing one of these bald aliens. Uh-oh, he wants the converter, but Lourlaine won't let it go. And is this the rule of like the most like the second most famous person is probably the bad guy rule? Yeah. Oh, very much. Second most famous person or the most Cliveau any person. Yeah, you're right. I mean, I would say that Rihanna is probably the most famous person in the movie. Okay, very fair.

That's true. I'll give you that. I think as soon as someone shows up in a position of authority or someone who the hero is supposed to trust, who is played by a bigger actor than is needed for a role of that size, you know, they're the bad guy. And is probably English. So like if David Thuelis were to show up in Wonder Woman per se, you would assume that maybe he might be the baddie. If David Thuelis shows up, you're like, you're doing like your weird Jeff Fox where they were saying that. He might be a baddie. This is what David Thulis and your parent and wonder woman.

You might be a bad guy. If you're a Colin Firth and the next most famous person in your group is Toby Young, you might be the baddie. If you're a Max von Sydau and Tom Cruise is supposed to trust you, but you seem really creepy, you might be the baddie. If you're vaniciled El Toro and you meet the heroes in a prison cell on an alien planet, you might be the baddie. Come on.

Do another one. Yeah, do more of them. If you're James Woods and just about anything, you might be the baddie. Except vampires. Yeah. Yeah, he's kidding that. If you're breathless Mahoney, and there's another character who talks with like a weird voice and has no face,

you might be the baddie. I'm glad he used that cultural touch down. I'm dig tracing. I'm dig tracing, it cultural touch from Dick Tracy. Of Dick Tracy was huge. It was enormous. Yeah. No, I wanted to know. No, I wanted to know.

Not a critical hit, though. Not a critics. Critics didn't want to get it. It was nominated for a couple of Academy Awards for art direction and costumes and stuff and make it. Oh, sure. Yeah. Best performance by Dustin Hoffman as mumbles.

Yeah. The, on Gilbert Gottfried's podcast, he's told this story a couple of times about how he was up for that role of mumbles. And auditioned for Warren Beatty and Warren Beatty was like, it's great. I want you for it. And it, you know, let's do this. And then he didn't hear anything from a while. And then his agent was like, uh, they hired Dustin Hoffman to do it.

And I wonder if it's like Warren Beatty was like, Dustin Hoffman was like, Warren, I wanna play Mumbles. It's the part I wanted to play since I was a kid. I've always loved Mumbles and Warren Beatty was like, but I promised it to Gilbert Godfrey. And when Dustin Hoffman was like, it's me, Dusty, your Ishtar buddy, come on. You gotta let me play Mumbles, come on.

And he's like, oh, all right. And Warren Beatty was like, I'll make it up to you someday, Gilbert. And Warren Bady started a little company called Afflack. And now you know the rest of the story. Oh, wow. Thanks for filming the backstory there, Elite. So in this movie,

so anyway, I've owned a bad guy. So do you know Clive owns a bad guy? Because he's also, he might as well be rubbing his hands and shifting his eyes from one side to the other the entire time he's on screen And also let's remember that he was in Cropie which is it's kind of a sinister movie in a lot of ways. Yeah, so So there's a council meeting Valerian goes in Laura line has to wait out in the hallway and she has a conversation with these three kind of like

Quatt the three or Wato they kind of like Wato from episode one. It's like little gargoyle long nose things where information brokers and always want money because if it's a science fiction movie and there's no reason for this, in a science fiction movie, the characters who are always interested in money have to have long snouts.

I don't know why. I don't know what that means, that it's always the long snouted things that want money. It's always characters are aliens with big noses that for some reason are obsessed with money and putting prices on things. I don't under work that kind of mercant. I couldn't guess what the coding would be for that though. Like, is there a world equivalent?

I can't think of one. I think it's maybe that part where that part where she said, yeah, they never forget where their money is or if you owe them anything, the part where she said, can I take out a loan and they said, yes, with interest because our religion allows us to charge interest whereas yours does not. That's why we've been pushed into this economic sphere. I mean, that, I don't know what it could possibly mean that all these long-those aliens and science fiction movies love money

But anyway, and they they got to an elevator together and she had to push the button because who's the shabby? They said Because it was a strobe shop Anyway, so that she they she sell they sell her some information about a major who was murdered recently Who seems to have known something about that planet. But uh oh, and alarm goes off. There's an attack by the bald aliens and they shoot everyone with this goop that doesn't kill them.

It just incapacitates them. But the layering escapes using a mouth that mouth mounted spider bot that comes out and cuts a cuts a hole for them because this movie is constantly showing you inventions that nobody uses ever again, which is something I kind of like. Yeah. And so this is the same aliens from the beginning of the movie. showing you inventions that nobody uses ever again, which is something I kind of like. And so this is the same aliens from the beginning of the movie and they show up and they shoot their like jizz cannons all over everybody. Yeah. And they seem to have some kind of technology that blocks normal guns from shooting them back. Yeah, something like that. They kidnapped the commander and Valerian chases them a while, so we get another amazing

chase, or it's just a chase through Alpha. And this one was a little too video gamey for me. What do you guys think? Well, the thing that we noted was that Valerian is just sort of shooting randomly around in a giant city, like in the space station city. And we also didn't know kind of what his end game was if he was like shooting at the spaceship that contained the commander that he was trying to get back.

Yes, the commander immune to laser blasts. I think when you become a commander, they give you a special pill that makes you immune to laser blasts. Yeah. But he loses that. Yeah, it was pretty, I mean, I don't know, like, I feel like video gaming is too often used to catch all term for just like action movie with special effects.

But it did fit and it also felt like he was running through the habitats or the biosphere for each of the alien races they were introduced to us by the computer when they were pulling into alpha. Yes. So it's like, did they only put that in earlier so we would, so we would get the areas he was running around in? I mean, maybe so that when he starts swimming through an underwater area, we're not like, wait a minute, there's an ocean on this space station.

Yeah, they were, they were worried we would choke on our gushers that were eating or bonkers, which one were really glad. They served. Do they serve gushers and movie theaters anymore guys? Oh yeah, I'm silver trays. You have to order it only in Alamo. You put your card up and then a French waiter comes by with the silver trays as your gusha misees. And then he take it. Then he opens it on burla because your headusha a missies and then he take it then he opens it on burlough because your head turns into a piece of fruit then squirts juice all over everybody. Yeah and they call in the mortician to clean it up because your head is exploded and you did now. Yeah. And they're like another kid with his brain transmuted into gusher juice. Yeah.

Why do they keep them on the market? Yeah, we should probably stop selling these things. Yeah. And the cops gonna crush it under his boot. And the theatrical agent goes, what a great trick. And the kid is no dead from the gusher goes, yeah, but I can only do it once. And their ghost goes to hell. Oh, wow. It was for other reasons though. Oh, yeah, because they did bad things in their life. It's not because it's not like God is not like Gusher death instant hell. No, no, no, people, there's some people who go to heaven after Gushers makes their head explode.

The Dalai Lama, that's how the last Dalai Lama before this one died. Also, I think that's how Rosa Parks died. Was a Gusher explosion. Well, we're getting weird area here. Well, do you think the Parks family is gonna sue us for libel? And it's now in who framed Roger rabbit

when the weasel turned into ghosts did they fly up to heaven i think they did they were shown with with harps that makes me question a lot of things about Christianity guys uh steward it's called the mystery of god's grace yeah okay we don't decide who gets to heaven. He does and it's unmanable. The question is what a loving God Allow a hell to exist in the first place. Oh wow, you know who famer Roger Rabbit brings up a lot of questions Dan if there's a world where judge doom is not going to cartoon hell then I don't even want to live in it Come on. He killed that innocent boot just to show them how the, how the goop works. Come on. All right. I think he calls it dip, right? Sorry, the dip, yeah,

to do is a different branded property. Yeah, yeah, that's true. Now, originally in the original version, the boot had to buy some, had to buy some questionable medical products from Gwen and Thalto. And that's how it died. And Robert, I think put it in it. Yeah. And Robert Zamekis was like, this is an unwieldy way to threaten the characters.

This is too well-profile. Can't we make it like some kind of a dip? And that he just made it up on the set and they had to rewrite a lot of the film to fit that. Yeah, he was looking around and there was a six spinach dip on the per-deam table. They're like, just use this this and Christopher Lloyd was like, I didn't rehearse using a dip.

I'm going back to my trailer and they had to talk him back onto the set. Christopher Lloyd does not like last minute changes. You got to believe that I heard on the set of, uh, piranha 3D that he was, he was really, uh, he was like, nothing about this movie has to change. Where else I'm out. Yeah. And he kept saying stuff like, well about this movie has to change. Where else I'm out. Yeah, and he kept saying stuff like,

well, on the set of suburban commando, Hulk Hogan did this. And they're like, we got it, dude. Yeah, he kept flexing and talking about his 24 inch Python's running wild on you. He was like, I was just afraid of those snakes. I didn't want those snakes to run wild on me. And they're like, oh Christopher, oh Lloyd.

Like, should we tell him? And Hulk Hogan was in the back going, don't tell him. He thinks they're real snakes. Yeah, I don't know what kind of Gemi's playing to make sure that he needs Christopher Lloyd to think that he's got a couple of snakes. Hulk Hogan's like, I forced him to put me in his will by telling him my arms can turn into snakes like that one he man character. It's got a couple of snakes. Oh, Kogan's like, I forced him to put me in his will by telling him my arms can turn into snakes

like that one he-man character. This is a weird place we've gotten to. Well, no, no, no, we're here than the movie Valarion in the city of 1,000 planets, Dan, because let me tell you what happens next in it. Valarion has entered some kind of zone and he can't get out of, Loura Line is taken into custody, but she escapes.

She's gonna go after him. And the general, who's the commanding officer, says, I wanna find out more about this planet where the bullies come from, and finds he's been locked out of the file too. Only the commander can get in. Loura Lion does what anyone else would do to find their missing partner.

She uses her three information gargoyles to hire a pirate in a submarine to steal a brain jellyfish off of an underwater dinosaur and then stick her head in its butt so it can read her memories and then tell her where Valeria is. Basically, show her images from the movie that we just saw five minutes ago. Yeah. I don't know if that's her memories or that's the image the brain jellyfish projects, which

means did the brain jellyfish make the movie we're watching? My guess is that our heads all stuffed up brain jellyfish butts. I mean, that's what daycart was really asking about. It's possible that our heads are just stuffed up brain jellyfish butts and we're just being fed in a movie that we think is our life. That's the basis of philosophy. I also like, my idea that Luke B Luke Person was writing this and he's like,

all right, I need to figure out a way that Laura Lyne can find out where Valerian is. What is the simplest A to P way that what is the logical connection? Occupy, lend me your razor so I can cut a path through this narrative thicket. I have to believe that the jellyfish is a movie bootlegger, already saw Valerian and like is just showing her what he filmed in the theater. Long story short, she finds Valerian, she revives him and the general freeze the alien that the commander of entorturing who lets out a blue flash of his own Valerian and lower line they get caught by some big tubby alien fisherman who kidnapped

lower line to we find out later have her brain eaten by their king although she gets clear. So they get caught by these fishing aliens. Yeah. And solene first gets caught and then Valerian gets caught intentionally and immediately just shoots the guy who caught him, which makes me a question, why didn't Laurelene just shoot the guy who caught her? That's a very good point. I mean, I guess it speaks to the difference in character between our two leads. I mean, Valerian is more of a shoot first, ask questions never a character. And Laurelline is more of a get stuck inside of a wicker basket and somehow not be able to find her way out of character.

Yeah. Yeah. And of course, this is after they had another conversation about whether they should get married or not. But so Valerian has, it's weird. Instead of shooting us, so she's been taken to a place that is kind of like a barbarian no-go zone and the only way to get in there without starting a diplomatic incident, he says, is to go

into skies. How are you going to do that? You got to go to the kind of Sin Alley area, which is called Paradise Alley, where it's full of outer space hookers, including one dressed as Jessica Rabbit from Huffane Roger Rabbit. And he needs a lamp. That's called an Easter Egg Alley, for the true fans. Yes.

Because he's a rabbit. And also to kind of validate our arguments earlier about Judge Doom. Yes, he did. It made sense that we went down that rabbit hole because there's a Roger Rabbit reference in this movie. And also, I have to admit, it makes me wonder why I haven't seen more Jessica Rabbit themed cosplay pornography. Maybe I've just not seeing it. I think we're just not there. I think we're just not there. Oh, you think it's there?

Yeah, I'm going to guess it's there. I don't know for sure why is Dan looking at me? I don't know. I'm just doing it to say, saying I don't know for sure. I'm starting to sweat with a face that makes it me suggest that he does know for sure. I mean, I guess maybe I'm just being too vanilla, heteronormative when I'm like, why is there so much porn about like a transformer having sex with Sonic? Yeah.

Or like Sonic being pregnant with Knuckles' baby and very little about Jessica Rabbit. But maybe it's because the itch that Jessica rabbit scratches is easily scratched by your mainstream heteronormative pornography, whereas to go, you gotta go to the internet to find your sonic carrying knuckles' baby pornography. Yeah, I mean, that's- Is that the case? If we were to like make one of those memes where the brain gets filled with more and more electricity, just to run the pornography's way on top. We're talking about- It's when there's very little electricity. Oh, yeah, classic. The pornography's way on top.

We're talking about it. It's when there's very little electricity. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then bottom, it's like, Bart Simpson has eaten Mario who is pregnant with Sonic's baby. Yeah. So what would be in the middle of that?

Uh, wow, I don't know. I'm not interested in that sort of thing. So I can't even put my brain to think about it. Okay. Well, so he's got to go to Paradise Alley to get a glam O pod to disguise himself. We never find out I think what a glam O pod is unless it is what he manages to get. I think it's Ethan. Is it a more mentioned? Is it what? Isn't it what he gets? I don't know. I don't know because I thought it was like a piece of technology But what happens is Ethan Hawke space cowboy brings him in to watch Rihanna slash Rihanna's body double do a pole dance

for a while where he keeps shape shape shifting into different fetish based costumes She's a schoolgirl. She's a nurse all that kind of stuff and He says to her I'm gonna free you in exchange for your help, and he uses a hidden gun to zap Ethan Hawke, and they escaped with him wearing the shape shifter, who turns out is a kind of globular being named bubble, who still sounds like Rihanna. So maybe she's a glamopod. Maybe that's what that is. This is about the- They go in-

This whole adventure where Loreline is captured by these monsters and he has to find this glamopod to get go get her like this is the point in the movie where I'm like I Wish all the people who saw the last Jedi and was and and were angry about the casino scene thinking that it had no bearing on the rest of the plot Watch Valerian in the city of the thousand plans no bearing on the rest of the plot, watched Valarion in the city of the thousand plays. So there's so many side adventures that just like served to prolong the movie and they're fun. They're all fun side adventures. That's the movie.

It's one of those movies where the plot only exists to give us a reason to leave the plot to go on side adventures. Yeah. Because you're right. This whole sequence, which I thought, which is pretty fun. And she gets and Lureline who's been trying on dresses this whole time, does an alien is forcing her to try on dresses, gets to wear a huge white hat

that we only realize that the last minute is a platform so that the top of her head sticks out so that they can cut the top of her head off, so that this alien emperor can eat her brain. It just looks like a huge sun hat. This whole sequence, yeah, it has no bearing on the rest of the movie. It's totally

unnecessary. And the diplomatic incident they were referring to does not happen. Even after I mean, kill everyone there. Yeah, it's this like state sanctioned assassination where these agents show up and just murder the leader of this. Yeah. He goes to all this trouble of sneaking in there with this glamopod. And then he eventually just shucks her off of him and like goes around as Valerian himself killing everybody. It's killing everyone. Yeah. And then and then and then Rihanna's glamopod dies and she's like, thanks so much. And it's like, why do? She's like, you gave me a taste of freedom. You're the best. And you should she should marry you. Uh, and it's she turns into an Egyptian Pharaoh and then crumbles into dust and you're like, yeah, you're like, wait a

minute. So this carrot, it like that was the one moment of one of the moments the movie where I was like, these heroes are jerks like just basically hired this basically if the hero of the movie went to a strip club told a stripper, I'm gonna wear you as a you as a costume you have to help me save somebody and then you're gonna die that's not a heroic thing to do yeah I mean I when you make it when you lay it out like that I guess it doesn't sound heroic so you gotta change words to glamopod and diplomatic incident etc etc now Valerian Laura Line this alien bald princess that put a dream in his head, it's been guiding him this whole time. Have we seen any evidence of that happening?

No, I don't think we have. They go into the dead zone, which it turns out, is totally livable. There's no radiation there. There's just a portal to some kind of alien place where the bald aliens are. And they find that they that's where they're and that's where they've kidnapped the commander, the bald emperor, who is a male character, but has a female voice, says that when the when they die, they can release their souls into other people that they choose as their guardians and the princess when she died chose Valarion as her soul guardian. I don't know why they haven't met each other before. I mean, it's kind of like a random Tinder hookup, to be honest. In a movie with a lot of stuff, this seems unnecessary,

the whole like sending her spirit out to guide him. Yeah. Right? Like, they were already on a mission. Their mission was, they were already set on the path to where they end up. Yeah. They didn't also need to have memories implanted in his head. No, it's, it's completely superfluous and unnecessary and it adds another layer of like chosen one to this, which as you guys know, is my favorite type of plot device. Someone being a chosen one and they're being a

prophecy of some kind. Anyway, they tell their backstory, which we all could have guessed by now. They lived in peace on this planet. There was a big battle. Somebody gave the command to fight above the planet and kill everybody there. Guess what? It was Commander Clive Owen. What a surprise. What a big secret. And he's and he erased all the information about this planet from the database. He killed the major who was there when he gave the command and told him that the planet was inhabited

to cover up his crimes and destroying this inhabited planet. It's the kind of stuff that, if I can get political for a moment. It's kind of stuff that our leaders do with the military kind of like every other day, where it's like, there's terrorists in this building. Blow it up, boom. Oh, it turns out it was a wedding.

We killed a lot of children Well, let's go so I don't know that it would be such a scandal in real life people would be like fog of war man He did what he had to do blah blah blah blah. Anyway, it was a whole plan. I mean they do yeah But a whole planet what were they doing making pearls at the armadillos butts? They sound weird It was kind of hard for me to wrap my brain around the exact stakes involved because it was a little bit like, well, they're already having a space battle and he just blew up that ship. It doesn't seem that crazy.

Wow, you guys are a polygist for genocide. No, just the opposite, Dan, we're saying that we live in a cynical fallen world. We're unfortunately, that kind of stuff happens all the time and nobody cares about it. And Dan, maybe your liberal guilt makes you feel like, oh well read about this in the New Yorker, I feel so bad for a moment. Oh, where's my avocado toast? Well I'm yam yam yam yam, let me pet my cat as people are being killed by our government

and our name overseas. But you know what, they're not Americans, I'm never going to meet them so they might as well not exist, they're shadows. They're not even full human beings Why don't I sit here and watch fucking tails from the crypt or whatever with all the electricity and clean water and food that I want Oh, I have to you would ever need to wash your face with yeah, I ordered too much food I'll throw away half of it because I don't care I live in first world luxury even though my governments destabilizing countries on the other side of the world wake up, Dan, wake up. That's fair.

That does sound like me. Yeah, also, it's a pretty good question. Also wake up San Francisco with your host, Danny Tanner. Yeah, but at this point in the movie, like you said, they explain what we already kind of guessed and they do it like five times. Yes, yeah. They keep, and they really think like five times. Yes. Yeah. They keep and they really think that either whoever's watching this is super dumb or that you have been so pummeled into bonkersness by all the things

you've been seeing that you can't hold information in your head anymore. Yeah. You have to keep repeating it to like you've been mementoized by this movie and you can't remember more than a couple seconds in the past. So then exist a standoff. Cliveone gets a chew a little bit of scenery, show those acting chops of his. There's a they knock him out with a single punch because Valerian's super tough. And the aliens explain like, oh, we just need this, the magic stuff that you just

brought us so that we can live in harmony and peace forever. See you later. We'll find another planet with a spaceship we built. We need a converter and a pearl. Valarine gives them the pearl and lower lines of ed to give them the converter. And he's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, we're under orders to deliver that converter to Alpha. I follow the rules.

I'm a soldier. And it's like, dude, you just punched out the commander in chief of the army. Like, now you're going to bulk it, break follow the rules. I'm a soldier. And it's like, dude, you just punched out the commander in chief of the army. Like now you're going to bulk it, break in the rules. Like, come on, come on. He doesn't seem to follow the rules much up until this point. That's certainly not been a rule. He barely seems to follow the rules for consent. But in the end, she says to him, you got to trust people and they give the converter. But then there's an even bigger standoff. She kisses him when he gives the converter over. It shouldn't even have been his decision to make, frankly.

But that point, human troops who went to go save Valarion show up. They show up with those Robo droids. And the commander gives the command for the Robo droids to start shooting everybody. How the droids heard him? I don't know. He's kind of portal. Yeah, but his voice, I mean, he's got one of those voices that just carries, you know. That's true.

That's why everyone was telling him, hush, keep it down now. Clive Owen carries. Remember that song? Yeah, I'm from there. That's great. You nailed it. Tell Tuesday. They anyway, but then the fight goes, it goes crazy. The robot troops are shooting everybody. They set their bombs with it with a timer everywhere. And the, there's going to be explosives that go off. The general who up to this point has just kind of stood in the same place on the same set barking orders at people.

His assistant, a character that we've barely gotten to know up to this point, risks his life in the crossfire to turn the bombs off and manages to do it one second left in the countdown. Uh oh. Uh-oh, and these robo soldiers who have been mowing down the regular troops, Valarian single-handedly takes down all of them, using like a pistol. Yeah, and a lot of jumps. Yeah, a lot of flips and jumps. Yodo Rowsky really taught him his Jedi trainings, do a lot of flips. When he was on Digaball Rowsky, in Star Wars Rowsky, it's just like Star Wars, but everyone just has Rousky at the end of their name. Yeah, I got it. Do you get it, Dan?

A little behind on this one? Yeah, I'm a little slow on this one. I don't know if I follow. Well, it wasn't very good, so that's okay. In the end, everything turns out fine. They arrest the commander. The aliens take off in their spaceship to another planet because all they need is pearls to make their planet live again, just like in the original

version of the Beatles song, all you need is pearls. And then people are like, that's not really a universal message. It's hard for some people to get pearls. And John Lennon was like, I don't give a shit. Just change it to love or something. And it turned into all you need is love. Now you know the rest of the story. And Valerian and Loreline are often at cap space capsule floating somewhere. And she and he proposes again and she starts kissing him and he says, is that a yes? And she says, call it a maybe. And in classic James Bond style, it is implied that they will now have sex while they wait to be rescued.

Yeah. We have left. You are now leaving the city of a thousand planets. And then then we get some bloopers, right? Yeah, some bloops. No, there were bloopers, guys. I'm just talking about it. I was like, you made me so excited. I was like, wait, did I miss the bloops? So guys, this is the most expensive non-American movie ever made. Yes. And also the most expensive independently financed movie since it was made between, seems you have been made by Luc Besson and then all the banks who got producer credits that were

really in the movie. There's a lot of them. When banks get listed as producers before the stars of your movie are listed, that's not a good sign. They may be the baddies. Mm-hmm. Oh, Katie, don't go over there. Sorry, the cat's on the table. That's not a euphemism. Yeah.

I don't know what that would be. I think I feel like Dan is testing on his new catchphrase. Oh, Katie, don't go over there. Dan, uh-oh, I invited, I invited my boss over the same that we were going to have your wild bachelor party. Oh, kitty, don't go over there. It's like it's your kind of like talk to the hand, I guess, or like I can run. But yeah, this is a hugely expensive movie.

I mean, it looks hugely expensive. Yeah, there are. I don't know that there are any shots in the entire movie that are not effects shots. Like there's everything. There's always stuff flying around. There's always CGI monsters. The sheer variety of CGI monsters is it's crazy. They're all over the place. Yeah, I love all the wacky alien design. That should. It's great. And I'm just going to be honest with you guys. Yeah, like I was saying earlier, except for the last 20 minutes or so, I really enjoyed this movie because it was just a nonstop parade of side quests and wacky aliens. Yeah, it's just like colorful colorful explosions and monsters. As always, we've jumped into final judgments without actually saying

they were doing final judgments. Well, judgments, did did did did it, did it, whether it's a good bad movie, a bad bad movie or movie you kind of like, Elliot says it's a movie kind of liked. I would say it's a movie I kind of liked and like on Twitter, Stuart hinted we were doing this movie and someone tweeted back and was like, oh, it's so bad. And I want it to be like, sir,

I think you may be a little disappointed in my rating because aside from the fact that one, the leads are not particularly charismatic and the characters they're playing or real pieces of junk, real mean. Two, the plot is, I never cared about. Three, the last 20 minutes are repetitive because it's Mexican standoff, Mexican standoff,

and then we got to stop this detonation and shoot, shoot, shoot. Other than those things, and also the fact that the whole time I was watching it, I felt a little bit like I was in a sort of dream haze state because I was having trouble following all the colorful things, flying around it all the times. Other than those things, this was exactly what I wanted out of a kind of Euro space opera crazy film.

Yeah, I feel like if I had Started the movie Gone over to settings going over to language chosen French Subtitles English I would have liked the movie a little more. Oh, so how did you feel about it? You didn't like it so much I would say I'm kind of in between between a Movie I kind of liked in a bad, bad movie Because it's not like it's not really a good bad movie, but like any anytime Anytime the movie pauses for breath to like explain the plot the whole thing whole operation grinds to a halt that's true. It looks gorgeous and

But and I like I like a lot of this stuff about it, but yeah, you know. I think I probably liked it the most of the three of us. Did I get bored? Yes, I got bored at times. I feel like because you don't have a lot of investment in the major characters and the plot of the movie is so convoluted that you don't have like the stakes are a little weird. It's easy to get a little distracted after a while, even though beautiful things are happening

on the screen. But for the most part, again, other than the things that Elliot said, I really had a great time. I mean, I really, I really, I enjoyed it in a way that I didn't think I was going to. And you gotta give points to any movie where you hire a pirate in a mini-sub to steal a jellyfish off a dinosaur, so you can stick your head and it's butt so it can give you information.

I feel like, I'm just saying give that movie all the Academy Awards right now. Yeah, I feel like if, I feel like if they just made the central plot simpler, it would have been better. Like you could have just as many. Oh yeah. It's one of the things that makes Mad Max Fury Road so great is that the basic plot is very straightforward, but there's plenty of room for crazy shit to happen in the edges. Well, what this movie gives us is the best and the worst of Luke Bisson. The best is that from a visual standpoint, he's super, he's always got super imagination.

He knows how to do like crazy, fast-paced action sequences, and there's lots of style. But the bad weaknesses is he's never been great with plot. He overcomplicates everything. And he confuses kind of, he confuses a cool character for a an unfeeling character Yeah, and especially when one of the subplots is that Valerian really wants to marry Lower line and the whole time you're like why you don't seem to like her very much. She doesn't seem to like you very much Like what's the deal you're both too cool TC FS too cool for school, you know?

Yeah. Okay. That's a move on. Okay, so we gave Valarion a I say movie I kind of liked. Stuart says he's not sure. And Dan says favorite movie of all time. Moving on. Dan's confirming that it's confirmed. He didn't say no, better than stop making sense. Raves Dan McGoy. That's right. Hey, this is Griffin McRoy. Hi, this is Rachel McRoy. And we've got a new podcast on Maxone Fun called Wonderful.

Wonderful. It's an enthusiast podcast where we talk about things that we're excited about and things that you're excited about. Things like overalls. 24 hours suit a Fed. The grand prize game. The fact that Wombats use their butts to kill predators. The soundtrack to the movie Dick Tracy. The beach potion we call Bud Lightline.

All these things and more every Wednesday, and we'll also talk about things that you're excited about. You can find us on Max1Fund.org or iTunes or wherever. I don't know, just search Wonderful. Google it, you'll probably get there. Hey you, with the headphones. Just between you and me, the Max Fun Store just got some of that sweet, sweet new merchant stock. You know, that merchant from your favorite Max Fun shows could be posters,

tote bag shirts, stickers, patches, aprons. We got it all. Well, we got a lot. Point is, there's some new stuff. Go to maxfunstore.com. So we've got a few sponsors for the show. Whoa! Yeah, are you sure you want to do this with us here? Would you prefer one of your now classic solo ad reads? No, I would love to do it with you here.

But I'm scrolling through my phone. I'm sorry that I'm taking a delay here. I'm gonna find the, it's just a sign for LA. Not a vamp a little bit. Yeah. Now in a situation like this, normally Dan would ask us a question and we would answer it while he looks up the stuff on his phone.

Seamless. Nobody knows that he's just covering up that he's not prepared and doesn't know what he's doing. But instead, he blurted it out loud and left it to me to call attention to that even more so as a way to fill the time. Stuart, what's your play by play on this? How do you feel about it?

Uh, well, I'm trying to think, has there been a movie made of a European cartoon that's been good, like a European comic book that's been any good? I mean, I've never saw that 1010 movie. Oh, okay. That's still made. Was that one good?

Tantan, yeah. I like it. I like the 1010 movie a lot, actually. I haven't seen it yet. I thought it. And let's not forget. Oh, you thought what? I thought it was the Indiana Jones movie that Crystal Skull should have been. And what about what about that the asterisk and obelisk movie with

a charred depardue? That's what I'm just going to say. What about the one where Roberto Benini plays the Emperor of Rome? Yeah, yeah. What about that one? Yeah, you love those asterisk movies, right Dan? Yeah. I wasn't even aware that they existed. I mean, they're huge movies. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I like the comics. That's not what we're talking about though. Let's talk about Blue Apron instead. Okay. The flop house. The flop house is supported by Blue Apron. Blue Apron partners with sustainable farms, fisheries and ranchers to bring you all of the ingredients you need to create incredible home cooked meals.

And greens, yeah. You know, you know what's the best thing about those ranchers? Because they're sustainable and because they're giving great food to you, they're happy. You might even call them jolly ranchers. I was waiting for it.

Yeah, and I was not disappointed. You left that money on the table. You know, Elliot's gonna snatch that dollar. Yeah, come on, you say ranchers, I'm gonna add jolly to it. And greetings, come paired with an easy to follow recipe card delivered to your door weekly in a refrigerated box. How do they refrigerate that box?

Wait, wait, damn, that was the part that shocked you the most that a refrigerated box. How do they refrigerate that box? Wait, wait, damn. That was the part that shocked you the most that it's a box. That was the part you could, most refrigerators are boxes. Yeah, all right. That was the most childlike I've ever seen you and the way that kids get really excited

when they see a box because they can play with it. A box. Well, look, you should rediscover how fun cooking can be while enjoying especially ingredients and exploring new flavors and cuisines and you can get $30 off your first order by visiting blueaprin.com slash flop house. Blueaprin.com slash flop house and you get $30 off your first order. That's right. That's great. What a deal. Yeah. And hey, you don't have to order it for yourself.

You can get it for someone else. We used to talk about this and it's still a good idea. Do you know a friend who recently had a child? Do you have a friend who's recovering from a surgery? Do you know a friend who for whatever reason is having trouble taking care of themselves right now? Get him a BlueAprin membership and that food gets delivered right to their door and it saves them time, saves you the effort of having to go there in person.

Yeah. You don't have to make any sort of convalescent calls. And it's going to be a little bit healthier than just getting take out all the time. Yes. Our other sponsor for this episode is Zippercrooter. Are you hiring? Yeah, posting here. Really? What are you hiring for? I've got a new company.

Maybe you're going to like it. Okay. So I was inspired by this movie that I don't know if you've seen it. It's called Valerian in the city of 1,000 planets. And I was thinking about, okay, how many planets are there out there? Nobody knows. It's time for us to find out. So, I figured I would hire somebody to count all the planets.

And not, you know what? And to really do it right. Not to just be like Earth, Mars, Mercury, there's three. No, I want you to count all the planets. And I don't care how many kids place mats with pictures of the solar system on it, you need to go through to make sure you've got an accurate count of all the planets.

Because there's gotta be what, Dan? How many planets do you think, like, 10 at least? Yeah, like, yeah, like, like, like, uh, 12? Well, in the whole universe, there's gotta be like at least 12. So, I want to hire someone to count these planets, and it's, you know what? I'm not making money off this. I just want to have it done so that humanity has the science, and we know in the future how many planets there there are But I need to hire somebody. I can't just walk out of my house and yell Somebody counts some planets for me and hope someone's gonna hear it and show up if I take a bottle Put a message in it throw it up in the air It's just gonna fall back down and smash on the ground. That's not gonna help me

Well if I if I put a note on a carrier pigeon Someone's gonna catch that pigeon and eat it throw Throw the note away after wiping their face on it. Now, how am I gonna find someone to hire for this one? Now what is this hobo universe you're living in? I live, I live, you know how there's all these different earths in the DC universe. I live on Earth hobo. Okay.

In Earth hobo, there's lots of empty bottles lying around and people are always catching pigeons, neat them. Yeah. All right, well here, here this will help you. Posting your position to job sites and waiting, and waiting for the right people to see it, that's no good. That's what I was saying. Zippercruder has revolutionized hiring.

Their technology finds great candidates for you. It learns what you're looking for, identifies people with the right experience, and invites them to apply to your job. And right now our listeners can try it for free at zippercrooter.com slash flop house that's zipper cruder dot com slash flop house. Zippercrooter the smartest way to hire. I think you know what. I think I figured out who I'm going to hire for this job.

I need someone with counting experience and I need someone who's okay being up all night. I'm going to need either Count Von Count or USA up all night host Rhonda Sheer. She can count stuff, right? Uh, I've never seen in the evidence that she can't count. Okay, and she's been up all night. Yeah. I... And Count Von Count is a vampire, so he's out up all night. Yeah, I and count von count is a vampire. So he's out all night anyway.

Yeah, that is all good points. Okay, so thank you. So thank you, Zip. Take all his counting. Do you think, do you think count von count would do? It's all dictation? For he certainly he certainly says it allowed while he's doing it. Yeah, And he loves his work, because he laughs between every number. So we should move on to letters. Okay. From what? Wait, Dan, I've a,

Dan, I've a jumbo-tron message. It's okay. Stuart, do you have a jumbo-tron? Or say it first? I got a fucking jumbo-tron. Okay, you seem really excited about it. You go first and I'll go. Okay.

This message is for Jacob, last name withheld. And it is from Jacob, last name withheld. Five years ago, you were diagnosed with liver cancer and somehow you still haven't died. Congrats. I hope grad school is treating you well and that the next time you're involved in a testicular ultrasound, it's not as the patient.

Also, with the improving prognosis, we really should be more budget conscious. Stop buying yourself jumbo tronds. Well, Jacob, congratulations, dude. That's awesome. Congratulations. I'm glad that I could possibly like partially mangle that message that you gave me to read. You reminded me I wanted to I wanted to give a shout out of my own before I get to my jumbo, Tron, to my friend Sasha, who

recently had kidney surgery and is a flop house listener and flop house Facebook group member. And I want you to want to say congratulations on getting rid of that bad kidney. Thanks for getting it out of your body. You don't need it. It's weighing you down and now you're ready to shoot for the stars with the only kidney you need, the one that's left. Catch that kidney. Catch that kidney is what the doctor said as it was flung out

of her body. Anyway, but so Sasha, I hope you're feeling better. Okay, and I have a jumbo-tron message. This is one of a more capitalist mercantile nature. And it's from nominee coffee roasters. And the message goes like this. Founded in 2017, nominee coffee roasters. And the message goes like this. Founded in 2017, nominee coffee roasters is an ultra-traditionalist DIY-focused micro-roaster based in North Seattle, impassioned by the highest

quality single origin coffees. nominee as a roasting effort exists synonymous with paramount care and quality garnered through a hands-on nostalgia driven approach and remaining small batch to an idyllic fault. Listers of the flop house will also receive 15% off their order with code flop. So they're on Instagram at nomineecoffee and visit nominycoffee.com, try for yourself, 15% off their order with the code flop. I love that coffee, though. I'm a sucker for that hot brown bean water, baby.

People love it ever since it was first introduced to Europe in the coffee houses of Spain and England and France. It's become a part of so many people's everyday life. So yeah, go try that. All right. Now after that aborted attempt earlier because I was stupid and forgot jumbo tronds now it's time for letters from listeners And then you know how you know how you know when it's really time for letters Because the music starts to play and every day when the music plays you know I'm gonna say it's a letters day I'm gonna, it's a letters day. A day for letters and I hope it stays. A letters day day today and tomorrow and every day because a letters day is a better day for you and me and everyone in that city of a thousand planet.

Valerian. Okay, well, that was a very exciting song. This first letter is from Elizabeth Lass Name withheld. Who writes? Montgomery. I got a 50 pack of New York Times Wednesday Crossword Puzzles for Christmas, of which I managed to complete one and only one. Movie trivia is a special weakness of mine

and a constant source of frustration. I find myself wondering, are the floppers any good at crosswords? More often than you think. I was drawing with the idea of sending you a letter about it, I find myself wondering, are the floppers any good at crosswords? More often than you think. I was drawing with the idea of sending you a letter about it, but recently while working my way through your archives, I listened to you all about Steve episode. Ironically, while you did briefly discuss Crosst-Crosstward puzzles, the one flopper I most wanted to hear from was not present that episode.

So now I have to ask, Elliot, do you like crossword puzzles? Are you any good at them? Can you do the New York Times puzzle on a Wednesday? Have you and your brother ever teamed up to do a crossword puzzle? Thank you for your time. I love your podcast. Thanks to Dan for the work he puts in by the scenes Yeah I'll try to do more work behind the scenes. I should say for all the ragging we do on Dan Dan is the guiding force and engine of the podcast And it would not exist without him and he does all the work. So thank you, Dan. Yeah, we're making that possible every time and I were so before we record

Dan wanders down the streets and knocks on all the bars doors to see if I've passed out in one of them. Yeah I have my rolling pain with me. Uh huh. Yeah, you're rolling pain. Okay. Sorry. I know I said that wrong.

Usually the G only goes at the end of the first part of rolling pain. Rolling pain. Rolling pain. Yeah. That's an interesting way to say it. Mm hmm. I like this, this, this, this Andy Cap scenario that you were, that you're, you're building up, but just had to say that. Mm then Dan and he's fries some hot fries and

remind those to wake me up so crossword puzzles here's the thing as much as I love certain things about crossword puzzles such as how they remind me of the existence of East Time Mor, commonly used clue. Crossword puzzles are like chess for me, where I'm like, I'm like, I should be better at this. I'm a smart person, but I'm not particularly good at it. So like, there's so many half finished crossword puzzles I've left in my wake, mainly because I didn't really care

enough to finish them, but in a big way because they're just be like, I don't know this thing. My brain is not set up to solve a problem enough to finish them, but in a big way because they'll just be like, I don't know this thing. My brain is not set up to solve a problem oriented in this fashion. Yeah. I was kind of that way with trivia for a while where like I took a after a particularly disastrous performance at Max Funcon at a Chuck Brian and John Hodgman organized trivia. After I felt particularly dumb for not getting a single question right, I was like, never

again, I'm never doing trivia again. But then my bars started doing trivia, so I'm like, fuck it, I guess I'll do it here. Yeah, and when you win several times, you've won the whole thing. Yeah, yeah, I guess I'm pretty great. Yeah, yeah, you know, I guess I'm pretty great. Yeah, thanks. I mean, I'm with trivia. I'm the opposite. My brain is set up for trivia stuff. And I get very too way too into it and start getting irritated when if my team is not listening to me or things go the wrong way or if I miss something I should have known, it's not good for me.

Yeah, I probably shouldn't draw the curtain back so much on my work life, because it may sound like we don't work. But on Thursdays, there's no show or the next day. So because we're not prepping for a Friday show, there's often kind of a bit of downtime at the office. And a bunch of the daily showwriters often go in on a crossword together. We, uh, that's nice, like a family.

Yeah, we projected up on the wall and, uh, and do it online. So that's like a team building exercise. That's a good idea. Yeah. So it's fun. Who introduced that? Who's the idea? Who's the idea was that?

Uh, I don't know. It might. It's revenge. I think Zach might have started it because he has a subscription to the crosswords. Zach posing from Project Runway? Yeah, that's them. OK.

So moving on, this is from Nick Glass, name with Held, who writes. Ornate. you've said before the podcast a couple of times that three movies with the same theme make a film festival, which means that a festival can also fill each of the flop house categories of a good bad movie, bad bad movie, a movie you kind of like. I have talked with my friends about doing a festival, movies where music contracts are literal deals with the devil featuring the apple good bad rock and rule bad bad and Phantom of the paradise actually like can you think about any other

trios of films or this works for you now this is a tough question so I I don't expect us to necessarily be able to come up with these things on the spur of the moment but good because I can't. Yeah, I mean, well, you could do like, you could do zombie movies or is that too broad a category? No, that's a good category. So what's a good good, what's a zombie movie you kind of like, Elliot? A zombie movie I kind of like, but it's not that good. No, like what's a, what's a good zombie movie?

Good zombie movie. Oh just an out and out good zombie movie. Yeah. Okay return to the living dead. Okay. What's a good bad zombie movie? Maybe return to living dead part two. We're like a zombie lake maybe where half the movie is just women stopping to adjust their stockings and then zombies coming out of a lake and eating them. Okay, and what's a bad bad zombie movie? Like, probably the new remake of Day of the Dead. Pretty bad. Okay.

I didn't know they did a remake of Day of the Dead. Yeah, it's Bob in it. Oh I'm pretty sure Bob would have to be on it, right? Oh, no, I'm seeing it. Oh wait, wait, wait, you're it. So maybe it's good How do you know if it's bad? I just gotten so many bad reviews. Okay. Hey, you know what else got bad reviews? Valerian in the city of a thousand years and I kind of like to assume Because what I assume I take an ass and I'm me and you're you and we should be free to be you and me. I was talking exactly. That's the message. I was talking to what is it? New York magazines, David Adelstein, and he was making a very strong case for Villeurian in the city of 1000 planets.

So I don't think all critics hated it. Oh, okay, that's fair. And I was like, stop yelling at me, David. Stop yelling and he wouldn't stop. Wow. This is a little glimpse of how dangerous you work like today. Yeah, these are the big celebs that stop and destroy its bar.

Dan McCoy. Yeah. And others. And we're well instead. Yeah. Let's not forget Stuart Wellington is often hanging out there. Yeah. Not as much since I hurt my hand, but you know, yeah. This last letter is from Alvin last name with held. And the chipmunks. Yeah, you didn't say it right. Alvin. He Alvin Ailey, he writes, nothing important. Oh, wow, really? Do you have to find here Alvin Ailey? Yeah, yeah.

We're not expecting me to make that poll, huh? No. He says, nothing important. I recently watched Double Take, a for Beatable Orlando Jones slash Eddie Griffith vehicle. And while there was no- Eddie, Eddie, is it Griffith or Griffin? He writes Griffith, maybe it's Griffith.

Oh, maybe I'm wrong. I could be wrong. And whilst there was no feasible way I could have expected anything good or enjoyable from the film, I was still really depressed by how mediocre it was, by which I mean I was sad after watching it rather than angry. Given how many bad, bad boring films you watch knowing full well that there will probably be that way, what films can you remember that depressed you because they were precisely as meh as they promised to be big sweaty hugs and sloppy kisses on the bottom to all. Now-

The kisses are on the bottom? Yeah, apparently. I don't know if I like that. Now him saying that it made me think that there should be an emotion called sangry where you're sad and about how angry or not angry you are. And that that's what the movie sent us on gray should be about. Yeah. Also known as drive Sungray. I'm just looking back on my, I keep a, yeah. And I've regrets. I've got a few. No, I was looking back on my list of movies that I watch. I keep a record of this shit.

And I feel like that, I'm trying to remember, I feel like there are movies that I watch, I keep a record of this shit. And I feel like that, I'm trying to remember, I feel like there are movies that I saw this past year that were like, okay, and yeah, they left me feeling a little, I know if sad is the right word, but like a little depressed at how like there was nothing to, nothing to get excited about, either one way or the other.

I'm trying to be with the movies for the, well, one that I have on my list here is Murder on the Orient Express, which I watched, and I'm trying to be with the movies where the, well, one that I have on my list here is murder on the Orient Express, which I watched and I expected it to be Matt and it was Matt. And I'm like, why did I do that? Well, and also like, if you can't, if you're not excited by a murder on the Orient Express movie, who is going to? I feel like that's right up your alley.

Yeah. You're like, you're like patient zero of being interested in the murder on the Orient Express movie. I, I remember watching death note recently, the Adam Wiengarde American adaptation of the Japanese manga movies, etc. And I was like, you know, it started off okay, and I liked Willem Dafoe was the death god, but it was just really not, and like, I like Shayawigum, like that guy's great. But yeah, it's not good. And I was like, kind of hoping to be like,

when I first started watching him, I'm like, I can't wait to recommend this. So everybody gets mad at me. But no, it's not very good, and it just bummed me out. And I'm like, why did't wait to recommend this. So everybody gets mad at me. But no, it's not very good. And it just bummed me out. And I'm like, why did I waste my limited time after I get, you know, spread out over the course of a couple of night shifts where I'd get home at like five in the morning. And I'm like, I'm going to watch something for 30 minutes before I pass out from a sandwich and beer. Why did I waste those nights on death note, Dan? Tell me.

I mean, Adam Wingard, he fooled you. Yeah. Fool me again. To be honest, that's how I felt about these are not movies, but a few of the episodes of this newest season of Black Mirror. I'll be watching an episode and I'll be like, in a black mirror. I'll be watching an episode and I'll be like, ah, all right. Okay. And it kind of, it, it depresses me that like they went ahead and made a season where they didn't see to have that many ideas, you know. Yeah. I feel like the season as a whole had a, had a more even baseline. Like there were fewer like great episodes, but there were also fewer episodes where I was like super annoyed that I watched it.

Uh-huh. Yeah, there's just some more. Everything was just kind of like fine. Yeah, just fine. To be honest, this is going to earn me a lot of iron on the internet. So watch out everybody. Hold back. This is kind of a hot take.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get your hot pads to handle this take. Watch out. Yeah, maybe wrap some asbestos around you. The miracle fiber of the future. I think he fired fire back. But this, in a way, it's kind of how I felt when I finally saw Wonder Woman. And I was like, I was like, okay, this is fine.

Like this is, I like, I was, I wanted to see something that really blew me away. And when I saw it, I was like, this is all right. Like it's not bad, but it's just not. I was it, it was like more disappointing is all right. Like, it's not bad, but it's just not. I was, it was like more disappointing than it would have been if it was terrible. Because then if I, if I was terrible, I would have been like, those people were crazy. But I'm like, okay, this just isn't doing it for me.

I mean, it's a point in myself. I mean, I could see, I did, I mean, I disagree with, with that sentiment. I could see arguing that like the movie, you can't disagree, you can't disagree with my feelings. I can disagree that, I could see arguing that like the movie disagree you can't disagree with my feelings I can disagree that I don't care. I'm what I'm saying is I didn't feel that way although I can understand feeling like it should have ended after the the trench sequence is that such a high point of the movie. such as the high point of the movie. But I don't like, I didn't think anything up until that point was, for me, I thought it was all pretty good.

But I thought it kinda ends. It ends lower than the heights it reaches early on in the movie. I see, it felt more by the numbers than I was expecting. And I was like, okay, this is a fine version of this, it's a good version of this that I wasn't looking, I wanted something a little more new, more of something I hadn't seen before.

And as soon as David Thulis walks out, I'm like, oh, the bad guy. Yeah, I just, I mean, I just kind of accept, I like to the movie, I just kind of accept, though, too, that it's not necessarily for me. Like, it is true that it's much more exciting for women to have a great woman superhero directed by a woman. I can understand the passion about it, certainly.

So that was kind of my feeling. Yeah, that part's great. I just, I guess I wanted it to have that experience with it, and maybe because I can't get out of my own head. I was naval to I'm not blaming you wonder woman. I'm blaming me. Sure So now turning from movies that we feel I will say I will say maybe if they hadn't given David Thulist that mustache he would have seemed less so obviously That's in his contract now, boy.

He's so gross. He's awesome. Moving from films that were mixed on to films that we like, recommendations. That's what we're doing now. How's that segue? Oh, it's amazing flawless wonderful. Oh, and it's like who is Ryan Seacrest hosting the show? I'll give a recommendation and having said that this is kind of a qualified recommendation like It's a move I enjoyed but maybe not as much as I had hoped I would and It's a movie that's probably it's called screwballs. It's probably And it's a movie that's probably it's called screwballs. It's probably

It's a movie that I imagine will be nearing dear to the flop house nation because it stars Nicholas Cage It's a little movie called a mom and dad Oh, you mean I can go see that I was waiting to see that because I thought we might do it for the podcast. No, you can see it Go ahead. Okay Okay, I'll go right now. Hold on a sec. Go on. Let me go see it. I'll be right back. Yeah, I'm gonna throw a rock see like your hairy. We don't even watch around. Get out of here. You're all good. My my marginal disappointment with this film was because it was directed by Brian Taylor, who along with Neville Dean, the other half of Neville Dean and Taylor, did the crank movies. the other half of Neville Dean and Taylor did the crank movies. And so I wanted it to be as crazy as the crank movies, which is not, but it's crazy enough

to make it a nice little cult film. I think that people of the flop might already be familiar with the plot, but I'll summarize it. It's all the sudden moms and dads across the land have this urge to kill their children. And they don't have the urge to kill like all kids, just specifically their own offspring. And so it's kind of a provocative, yeah. It's called being a parent.

Yeah. Oh, anyway guys, let me tell you what's been going on in my life Well, I can't see but I'm mimeing holding a microphone because it's time for my type 5 on fatherhood. Yeah So I'm in the shower and I hear a knock on the door Yeah, and I think maybe it's some hot babe coming into doing Because that's all I think about But no, it's my son who needs to use the potty, he says. And I'm like, hey, I'm in here.

Can I not even have these moments? Pause for applause. Pause for knowing laughter and applause as the audience relates to the moment, even if it's not particularly funny. Yeah, well, that's the subtext of the film. I mean, it's not even really the subtext. It's pretty much the text of the movie that, you know, parents want to kill their kids sometimes anyway. So that's kind of the joke of the

of the film as I mean, millennials are so fucking lazy. Of course they want to. Of course boys. What a bunch of morons. Oh, they don't even have the energy to prop up the Apple B's industry. Like they're supposed to. I mean, they just don't appreciate everything their parents do for them. Yeah. Yeah. And they're always using the phones that their parents invented and made them use. Uh-huh. Anyway, Nicholas, let me just let now any of my hot take on millennials. Hey, millennials, it's not your fault. You got handed a steaming pile of shit in this world and everyone's like,

why are these millennials love eating shit so much? Yeah. It's not fair, not fair. You know what parents don't just don't understand. I'm just fucking mad that the millennials haven't reembr- you know how millennials have a tendency to embrace pop culture like Frazier and shit. Why haven't they brought back millennium? I mean, it's right there on the fucking table, guys. It's got all the millennials

favorite star Lance Henrichson, the man who was always old even when he was a baby. You know, when when they shot aliens, Lance Henrichson was 14 years old. Yeah, they were trying to make in a cure movie where he played all the wrinkled kids. There's a Venn diagram for that joke, and it's just got steward in me in the middle. I'm almost done with my recommendations. So just I just want to say Nicholas Cage gives a fun crazy cage performance, some of Blair's also very good and the movie runs like 87 minutes long or something like that. So it's the perfect link for a film does not overstay. It's welcome.

Nice. Yeah. So mom and dad. Save the world. Yeah. I'm going to recommend a movie. So I've been I've been trying to catch up on horror movies from the last year that I missed out on and one of my favorites is the movie Raw that you can watch on Netflix. So you know what that means guys, you pull up your browser, you grab your fucking mouse, you get that left click button already. Okay. You gotta hover that over the thumbnail overall. Okay. You gotta depress that left click button, drag it over into your movie player. And then you, you, you dump it in there. Yeah.

Empty trash. Okay. Cause you don't want your fucking trash box cluttering up your hard drive, right? That slows down your other, are there any settings that we have to make sure set? Well, I mean, there's not a lot of options, but you want to make sure that you have Gore cranked all the way up. Maybe. So, you want to turn on motion smoothening because you want to make sure that you have Gore cranked all the way up, maybe. So, raw.

You want to turn on motion smoothing because you want those motions to be smooth as silk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You want to look just like that time I saw the first habit movie and got an eye strain and stuff started leaking out of the corner of my eye for a day. So, raw is a French movie about a young woman who goes to, I guess, like veterinary college. And along the way, she develops, let's say, certain appetites for stuff. okay, but it's this great little movie. Well, like wrestling, like WWF raw.

Kinda. And it, no, it's great. And it, it's nice to see this kind of a horror movie told from this perspective. And it also touches on a lot of things that kind of everybody can identify with. And it is a very female perspective. So maybe I missed some of the, I don't know, I'm just fucking around.

But it's, yeah, it's great. It's gory. It's fun. Check it out. Raw. Raw. You got it. Okay. Yeah, you got any more in your

Okay, I'll go on and recommend my movie now. Pause for one last raw. Okay, there you go. So I'm going to recommend a movie. It's an old one guys. It's a classic melodrama weepy that I've been meeting to watch for years and I find it like I'm around to watching it. And that's now Voyager, starring Betty Davis and Paul Henry and Claude Reigns.

And Betty Davis is playing character who is, she's a grown woman who's still living kind of under the thumb of her, her elderly mother. And it means she's grown up as this very unhappy, what you would call the time a spister, but that's not a term people care for anymore. Just an unhappy woman who cannot, cannot feel life, basically. And first under the care of Claude Reigns as a psychiatrist, and then later through a relationship she forms with Paul Henryd, who's a man that she falls in love with, but she can't have because he already has a family. She manages to discover herself and figure out a way to live that is more true to herself

and more satisfying, even if it can never be. Even if she can never live the fully satisfying life she always wanted because of the way she was raised. And it's one of these movies that is, it's based on a book and it feels more like a book and that the plot is not a straight line from Ada Z. It's, you kind of are not quite sure where it's going at certain times, it follows its own path

and it's very much like a classic melodrama. Like, there are times where things happen. It's just like Valerian. There are times when things happen when you're like, that seems a little coincidental movie, but it's one of like Betty Davis' big famous performances and one where she gets to show her full range. Everyone in is really good. It's like classic filmmaking, just like textbook 101, glossy stuff, and just really, really good. And I'm a big, betty Davis fan, so I'm surprised it took me this long to watch it,

since I think she is the greatest of the film actresses at that time. And this is a real chance for her to show her full range. So her full range aside from when she plays characters who are crazy or evil, but in this case, not so much. So now, Voyager, I'd recommend this really good. Great. A bunch of recommendations.

You got your homework, everybody. All right. You got to watch those three movies. We'll test you next episode. Mm-hmm. Uh, so now we should just sign off from the flop house and thank you for listening. There's a lot of great podcasts over at maximumfun.org. Go listen to those.

And it's been great talking to me. And hey, whatever, whatever holiday you're celebrating, I hope you're having a good one. All right. For the flop house, I've been Dan McCoy. Hey, I'm Stuart Wellington And I'm Ellie Kaelin all year round 24 seven cool How are my levels down now, you know, you know, if you could just switch the channel within the mic you need some sort of magic mic XL

Wow, is that before XXL? Yeah, it's in the middle one. I'm going to release later. Yeah, I'm very glad I caught that because that could have been a bad scene. Yeah, a real bad scene. Just like that scene in Ghostbusters where Dan Acroid gets the Ghostbloge off, it's a bad scene. Okay, Dan, do you have any bad scenes you'd like to add?

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