The Flop House - Ep. #259 - Fifty Shades Freed

Episode Date: June 9, 2018

Hey, whaddaya know, with Fifty Shades Freed, we did our first full trilogy. Or, because it's Fifty Shades, should we call it a THRILLogy? No. No we shouldn't. Meanwhile Elliott discusses the most cutting-edge cenobite, Stuart briefly becomes Gene Shalit, and Dan has old man ears. Wikipedia synopsis for Fifty Shades Freed Movies recommended in this episode Solo: A Star Wars Story Secretary Come and Get It

On this episode we discussed 50 shades freed. That's right, we're free of the 50 shades of grey series after this. The curse is broken! Hey everyone, welcome to the flop house, I'm Dan McCoy. A lot of big energy coming out of Dan. This is Stuart Wellington. And over here, it's Elliot Kaelin, voice a little froggy, because we're all tired. Yeah, let's draw back the curtain. We just had our DC live show last night,

and we were out until two, because we're idiots. Definitely knowing we were gonna record an episode the next day. And now we're huddled around a tiny table a hotel room, uh, closer than ever. Guys, this is what I want out of my life. Yeah. Hang in there with my best buds. My wife most likely to come back into the room and yell at us for not being done recording yet. Uh, yeah. At some point, yeah, you may hear the electronic. I don't know why I let her pack that rolling pin. Yeah, you're telling pet that is, you shouldn't get mad at you.

You may hear at some point the electronic sounds of the door to stewards for some reason ADA compliant hotel room opening up. I'm not saying how tellers shouldn't be ADA compliant. I'm saying they should not go to steward. They should go to people who need to. They should go to people who need to. Well, when I, when I, when I, was the ever when I checked in, they're able to and Mr. Wellington, you have any special needs and I'm like, my desires are unconventional.

You know, like, fuck it. Just give them that room. Yeah, special needs. Well, there's such a thin line between pain and pleasure. All right. See you. I don't understand. I have such things to show you. Yep. My Santa bite name would be sunglasses face. I mean, doesn't, doesn't, doesn't pin it or something. No, it's one of the other guys' words sunglasses.

The fat. Oh, Butterball does have sunglasses. Butterball sunglasses, yeah. Man, it's unfair that he gets two things. Like one of them being that he's fat. I mean, that's what his name's based around, unless the brand of sunglasses is butterball. So weird branding option for the turkey cup.

He's an A. He's the heir to the butterball turkey fortune. There's everyone of these rich families. And this will tie into 50 shades free. And when these rich families has the black sheep who is the rogue of the family and for the Butterball family. To buy his Butterball. Yeah, it's to buy his Butterball

who became a xenobite and hangs out with his leather and pin friends. Yeah. What's the name of the woman who talks to her vocal cords? I don't remember. Is there a throat open? I know chatterbox and Butterball, but I don't remember.

And of course, Penn had and CD had in the later movies. They have CD had, he's really cool. And who's a Julia? I don't know if they're doing CD had is like, it's Julia, right? Yeah, maybe Julia, yeah, man. She's fucking awesome. CD had is like, this recording technology

will never be obsolete. I'll always be on the cutting edge, isn't that right? Phillips, CD, I head and 3DO head. Yeah, he says cutting edge and then throws a razor sharp CD through somebody's chest. And they're like, this is not pleasure at all. It's only pain. And then they look down there like, oh, that's that spin doctor's record. I guess I do get pleasure from this. This is a mobile gold finality CD. What a ripoff.

Okay, guys, let's talk about that's enough talk about the cinnabites. I guess. Cinnabites, which I think we may have talked about was the breakfast cereal version of cinnabites. It was Clive Barker's cinnabites. In the apple box and instead of chains, cereal comes out. There's such a thin line between candy and breakfast.

The sweet taste of Cinevites. Cinevites. Is that what your flavor like as a Clyde Barker impression? That's what he sounds like. Yeah, famous English author Clyde Barker, he just kind of sounds creepy. It was a weird move for the cookie crisp dog to do those commercials also. Yeah, when he just shows up like,

Shane to a wall. In a room that's like, this doesn't even seem like a film set. Did they just go into somebody's apartment? Oh man, I love that. I love that. That was really good. Okay, speaking of good movies,

what do we do on this podcast, Dan? Well, we watch a bad one movie that is. Movie that is. And then we talk about it. They went on down to bad movies, movies that is. Madden. See how he clarified it was movies.

I don't know why he would say that. Okay, so what's your bad movie that we talk about it? And the day we're gonna do just that, talk about a movie. Yeah, we were also huddled around Elliot's computer earlier watching 50 Shades Freed. And we really, this shows a technological marvel guys. We use computers, we tap and phone lines,

you know that they're loud. We're tapping phone lines, you know that they're loud We're tapping food lines As soon as we find out what a food is I mean that's the Line yeah, that's the magical realm the magic tavern lives. Oh, that's right. Yeah Mispronunciation really ruined my talking hands reference. We were we're all huddled around L.A. It's computer just the sheer sweat he's been putting me going together so turned on by what we were seeing in the final third of the fifty shades trilogy now termine people what happens in the fifty shades movies in the first movie introduced to christian gray very rich he's basically like Batman if Batman instead of being super hero was a

the channel his energy was a masochist? Yeah. Or sadist, he calls himself. I mean, he does, does something a big rubber suit. So there's a little cross out. Batman does, Christian Grey doesn't. Yeah. I mean, what's it? I mean, maybe, we don't see every aspect of his life,

like just because it's not on screen, doesn't mean it's not part of the story. Good point. There's so much going on outside the frame. Yeah. Christian Grey is a sadist. He meets Anastasia Stee christian grey is a sadist uh... meets on astazia steel who is a seemingly normal woman who

piques his interest and becomes his erotic obsession and she is intrigued by his world of o out trade sexuality which things and well and also that he owns a helicopter a private jet houses in every place in the world fancy cars and that second movie was called 50 shades returns.

50 shades darker. 50 shades darker. Escape to 50 shades. 50 shades fights back. Well, yeah, turn to 50 shades. Beneath 50 shades. Escape to 50 shades mountain. 51 shades of gray.

Yes. Because they added one more carrot. Yeah, 102 Dalmatians. How will they ever be able to deal with that? I mean, that's just gonna make a bigger coat, right? Yeah. No. That's good enough to make a little beanie too. You got it.

You got it. Yeah, yeah, she's got enough to make a little dice bag for a D&D game. Yeah. You got to assume when that 102 Dalmatians showed up, the humans were like, let's just give this one to Cruella. Like, how many of these damn dogs are we gonna take care of? Yeah, yeah, drop it like Caltrap's behind the car. So in the second one, we are pulled even further into the world of lavish wealth and guiltlessness

of the first movie, but also Anna runs a foul of her boss hide who becomes a jackal hide jackal hide uh... who becomes obsessed with her and with wanting revenge on christian and christian breaks it off so it seems with kim basinger the woman who when he was a teenager taught him the ways of the flesh uh... and then there's like a little are you looking at me like that? Because I don't remember when I was having a good day. You're looking your lips.

Oh, yeah. All over the night. I looked at you and I just saw a big turkey leg. Christian Gray got his helicopter crashed and then one scene later he walks in fine. Oh, and they get engaged. And they get engaged. So that takes us to 50 shades freed. We're ready.

50 shades freed starts off right away with Christian and Anastasia are getting married. Yeah, it opens me. Guys, guys, I forgot to buy them anything. What do I do? I mean, when they're that rich, they're not gonna notice, but just go in the registry.

Okay. You know, there's like all these sterling silver like butt plugs that they would never buy for themselves, but that's why you have a wedding. So someone else gets you that. I think Dan, you can just go with the gift you would never buy for themselves. That's right. But that's why you have a wedding. So someone else get you that. I think Dan, you can just go with the gift you get most people for weddings. You show up with your acoustic guitar and sing a song for them. I like the greatest gift of music.

It's literally only happened at one wedding in my own. And you only know what? You only know one sum 41 songs. That's right. You just play that every time, but I don't remember any of their songs okay well matchbox twenty song these things and that's a bit of her inner hair etcetera so uh...

there's a the the mayor the wedding is funny sheet and it's and it's also the bouquet and the best man catches it all of his own barris anyway they are still super rich they go on a honey moon in paris she adds an ifletower charm to her very tacky charm bracelet. Because, you know what, you can't buy taste. Mm. Oh, wow. I never thought about that.

You can be super rich and you have bad taste in things. Or you can be Peter Jackson and have bad taste the movie on your filmography. That's true. I can be Peter Jackson. Yes. There's, oh, I found that. Let me get you this Oculus set. Okay, that's the Peter Jackson. Yes, there's, oh, I found it. Let me get you this Oculus set.

Okay, that's the Peter Jackson VR experience. It's, I found a hole behind a filing cabinet, and you crawl through it in your Peter Jackson's head. Oh, no, I don't know if I want it now. But what I mean is, it's not like in a mystical sense, you're just inside his brain, and it's goopy and gross. And he's killed it silly. It's not like hip-hop artists mistakow.

Not at all You think that if this is okay the honeymoon of Paris that seems pretty expensive. Oh Onto it was either Italy or Greece. I couldn't quite tell Because I'm not rich enough that I know it was a place that has beaches that are topless friendly and Christian does not want Aunt Anna to go topless on the beach He is very controlling, but she defies him and just lays out with her bosoms in the sun. Then they jet ski off for some handcuffs, sex. That's their honeymoon. This is kind of a break from the norm of these movies, because normally

the porn is watching people drive fancy cars up to mansions, but in this case, we get to see people drive a fancy jet ski up to a yacht. So it's a twist them up. Okay. People weren't expecting out of a third movie. That's the thing about three quills is that you have to get even bigger and crazy. That's why there's three bad guys in this one. The penguin, Mr. Freeze, and GM Mateo. And GM Mateo, a Muslim architect that will be later in the film, who has, here's, there's two characters introducing this movie with great names. There's GM Mateo, the sexy architect, and Boyce Fox, the promising horror writer, and Boyce Fox is introduced with a lot of fanfare, and then he's the vision of these movies

where he's introduced as if he is the Lynch pan of the series and then nothing happens with him and he's taken down by a bunch of what Corvus slaves or something. Anyway, so meanwhile a mysterious intruder goes into Christian Grey's private server and sets off a time bomb made out of a flask but not until he steals some computer files first. And Anna sees a freeze frame from the security cameras like that's my old boss yet she goes computer enhance

and they're like this is a printout and the fact that it's made out of a flask seems like a bit of unnecessary flare in this movie like i mean i give the movie credit for it having at least some interesting thing happen in it but it doesn't pay off in any way it's not not like, oh, of course, it's legendary drunk guy, who you put this bomb here, you know? Yeah, it's the kind of thing that would be a clue

in a single movie, but instead of here, it's just like, they maybe they didn't come up with the bomb idea until that day's shoot, so they're like, what can we make a bomb out of this line around? Give me your flask. They go to the old security guard. I need your flask. Oh, but this, but, oh,ty has been with me to think of it

for marriages five wars but uh... so anyway uh... and christian is like i think my helicopter crash was not an accident in my time in sabotage and there's a number of loose threads from the last movie they get tied up in this one in very perfunctory ways and that's one of them.

Like, oh, that makes a lot more sense now. It wasn't just a random act of accident. Yeah. A random act of accident. A random act of accident. Yeah. So they go back home. Christian gets Anna some bodyguards. I keep calling her Anna like it's frozen. Oh, it's just color Anna. Uh, gets Anna some bodyguards. Sawyer and another one. And Sawyer, we know, is that her assistant at work has the hots for him. Does this go anywhere? It does not. It's just one of the many loose tangling subplots laced into the movie like so much beard hair that hasn't been shaved properly in an old man's

face. It's all part of the rich tapestry that is woven and then laid down on a bed and then sexes out of roll. Yeah, rough, bad sex on a tapestry just rye just really rubbing your skin raw. Exactly. The ultimate thing to see. The screenplay, the screenplay reads like it's a free writing exercise where someone was just like, okay, I'm just gonna just lay down all my thoughts on the page, lay them all down, stream of consciousness, whatever comes in. Well it feels like some of Stephen King's books where you can tell he was writing without really a plan

and he'll just plan things and then they won't pay off later but this is a movie they should have fixed some of that. Go back. Like were they improvving the movie as they went on? It's not like they wrote it on a typewriter and I'm like, oh, we don't have the technology to change words though. So Antistasia is not sure how to run the household of a very rich gentleman. And the Christian's housekeeper is like about the meals, the decor, da-da-da, and I wanted her to be like, we pay you to do this. Like, what is this Elizabethan times? Like, or like a Regency period,

why am I in charge of this household all of a sudden? She has a professional job, but anyway. She dismisses the cook for the day though and cooks Christian some dinner. And over dinner, they worry that Christian does not want children. He says he's not ready to share her with anybody. This is the first time that Anna has,

in any way expressed any interest in children. But it's like the movie has such a, for a movie that's all about, it's supposed to be kind of like kinky sex. It is such a regressive retrograde idea of human female male relations and families where she's like, I got married. Time for you to put a baby in me.

Clark's ticking. Come on, this is what we're about. It's not we have pair bonded. Now it's time for us to make a mainstream nuclear family. Yeah. And guys, if there's one thing I know about relationships, it's that the time to have the discussion about whether you want children is right after you got married, but you have to do a massive commitment.

Yeah. And nothing has apparently come up on the subject before. I mean, it's, yeah, and you think in a healthy relationship, they would have discussed these kinds of life goals at a previous day. The order is you get married, you make a delicious meal of lunchables for your husband.

I don't know. I don't know. Christian is essentially a grown child, so we were like, does he just eat chicken nuggets? Is that it? And then you talk to him about having a baby. He doesn't know like it. He's like, but I'm a baby.

He's like, that reminds me. I was waiting till after we were married to introduce you to my next level of sex play. It's baby play. I'm a baby and you're going to change me. And she's like, I don't want to judge you or shame you on this. But I'm not into it. And he's like, well, we're married now. So you have to be. Yeah. That's the break. When you married me he's like, well, we're married now. So you have to be. Yeah. And then's the break.

When you married me, you knew the deal, except for this part, because I didn't tell you. Anna goes back to work and finds that while she was away, she was promoted to fiction editor. Yeah. She has, it's like the thing that makes me mad at her in these movies is she has the most uneranged professional career in that she gets her job because Jack Hyde has

the hots for her. Then her husband buys the company and fires him and gives her his job over people who have worked there longer. And now she was literally away on her honeymoon. They're like, we promoted you to a bigger job while you were gone because you just did such a great job on your honeymoon. Yeah. We wanted to recognize that.

Well, the movie keeps acting like, I was like, no, no, no, you deserve that, honey. Like, you got it. Like, I think the movie wants us to think that she actually got there on her own. There's a part later where her husband calls her and says, hey, it's your boss's boss's boss. And it was like, ew, that's so gross.

Like, that's a terrible way to classify your relationship with your wife. Look, honey, there's three layers of bureaucracy between you and me. I could fire the guy who could fire the guy who could fire you. Yeah, but it's still kind of hot. I'm the... And also, at this point, we're introduced to a, what, a secretary, like a coworker who... Name the list. Yeah, who informs her

that she's got the promotion, but she's clearly resentful of this. I wonder if that will pay dividends in the story. Well, see, but also like as she should be, I would be pissed too. There's a part later where, let me give you two examples of how to Anna is not good at her job,

or at least, she has not shown that she's amazing at it. One is that later on we catch the end of a meeting and she's like, great work guys and she turns to someone and goes, can you make the font two points bigger on the public statement and the person's like, yeah, and it's like, what kind of fucking stupid note is that? Yeah, make it two points bigger, sure.

That's the kind of note that, like the graphics department, the daily show we get all the time would be like, uh, can you blur this by 10% and they'd be like, you got it and then as soon as the producer walked away, they'd be like, fuck is that mean, blur it 10 the producer walked away, they'd be like, fuck is that mean? Blur it 10% like, yeah, they're gonna notice. They're like, can you cut this down by two frames

to the editor? The editor's like, you got it and then, who cares, no one's gonna notice, it's two frames. But anyway, there's that, but also, we're introduced to her new hot writer, Boyce Fox. Now, and they're like, great catch. The pre-orders on this Boyce Fox book are enormous. But it's also the third book of a series. It just says it on the title,

like, book three of the series. It's a pre-orders already happening. Isn't it a little, I mean, I don't know the publishing business, but doesn't it seem like a little late to sign them? Well, it's, maybe she signed him earlier, but it's confusing to me what the timeline is of the Boyz Fox deal. She might be just editing the book with him. At that point, she's already signed him. Maybe she rested him away from another publisher, where the first two books in the series came out. Usually, the publisher would have, you know, would make a deal for the whole series. Yeah, I mean, it's Boyz Fox. Yeah, this is Boyz Fox. He's a huge star. He's the wonder can't he's the literary wonder kind of of the world

Yeah, he's the what close now scarred of the of the Writing that kind of book like I think he's supposed to be like a Stephen King George R. Martin or even like a Dan Brown type But we never learned what his books are about. He's only in like one scene and then he disappears from the movie, but they give him so much built up. But that one scene. And they give him the name Boyce Fox.

So you have so many questions like, what the fuck is a boyce? Okay. Anyway, Anna gets into another argument with Christian because he wants her to change her working email to her married name She's not ready for that yet because it shows that she's been absorbed into the gray collective And she's no longer her own woman, but the next scene all is forgiven because Christian bought her a fancy new sports car They drive around in it to the to the farest mansion that he also bought for her

Yeah, like a crumbling manor house He bought the house of usher for her. Wow. No, it's a fixer upper. A fixer usher. Oh, okay. Nice. Nice. Oh, well.

It is so much. Good by, too. No, that was perfect. I only wish I could do an usher of the musician joke somehow. It's out of that. I guess I would say to that joke, yeah. Pretty good. So, but here, here at this, so it would have been,

it wouldn't have been much better movie if they got there and it turned out it was like a haunted mansion. Yes. And they had to deal with the ghost of the, like the previous owners that doesn't have it. Or Christian Pray is like, I don't actually have all this money yet. I was told that I'd only inherited if I stayed

a night in the South. And the ghosts are rattling, chaining, stuff, and Christians. Like, how do I get in on this? He's like, I'm just going to be. A sput turned on. He's only going to stay overnight in his mansion. He's also going to be. The only way we're going to give into our various fraternities

and sororities is by staying at night in this haunted castle. But it's really our frat and sorority sisters that are putting us up to the thing. But wait, is it really haunted our frat and sorority sisters that are putting us up to the thing. But wait, is it really haunted? Who will get to it? Except we won't, because the only ghosts that are haunted by are the ghosts of Christians past.

So they go to this forest mansion and who's there already? The ghost of girlfriend's past. Anyway, is who's there already is? You guessed it. Famous Architect, GMatail. GMatail. No. GMatio has two characteristics. She is an architect with a very modern style

and she does not like this objectively beautiful old house. She wants to tear it down and build something modern. Her other characteristic is she has breasts, which everyone remarks upon. Yeah. As if they are the 18th wonder of the world. As if she's belly parton. That's it.

She's very pretty, but these are not such amazingly memorable breasts. Like, it's, they, everyone, maybe, they were like, well, her defining characteristic is she's blonde, but we already have three other side characters that are blonde. That they, the characters I'll talk about, like, are they real? Have you seen those things?

People, you can't take your eyes off them. And it's like I the whole scene went by without me noticing your breath once It was so it's just it's a little bit like if it's you had a character who was five eight and everyone was like what's with the dwarf Hey, how about that midget over there? And it's like well, he's not tall But he's not like abnormally short. I don't like it's a weird thing to call him. And also not cool. It's also not cool to use those words to describe somebody. But anyway, so GMatayo wants to tear down this house,

but Anna wants to keep it. And Christian says, whatever my wife says goes, and GMatayo does not like this. She pulls rank on her and also gives her a clear stay away from my man message. The GMatayo did touch Christian's wrist once while talking to him, which in this, it's the weird thing where it's like, look, my husband and I routinely push the boundaries of erotic pleasure, do not touch his wrist, please.

I'm not comfortable with that level of affection. Yeah. I mean, this is just one of the many scenes in which though Anastasia is trying to assert her agency uh-huh whereas i mean too much much of the movie she is having agency taken away from her by her husband that is the and the series is her is the power dynamic between her and christian there he's always we all remember when he ordered a stake for her in a restaurant uh... and she said no i like a salad least lace. That was in the second movie I believe.

But in this one, yeah, she is, you're right. Anna is coming into her own as a, as a human. One's take for my girlfriend and cut it up a real small place. I mean, going. People ended into a smoothie, believe it. Now, poured over my face and let her lick it off of me. I was remarking though, the Christian has always been an asshole in the series, but he seems even more of an asshole now that he's her husband.

Yeah. He just really seems like an abuser, like an emotional abuser. And like we were watching this on Elliot's computer, as I said before, and because my ears are bad and the speakers aren't great, we put the- Fifty shades of grade. Glad that he's snuckging a burn on your computer. Well, I mean, I'm like 50, 50, my ears, your speakers. But the speakers on MacBooks are not amazing.

I didn't bring extra speakers with me. Yeah, and so you were bragging about how great your speakers were at that point. I wasn't like, dude, check out the fidelity on this. It really, the lows are so low and the highs are so high. The point is, dialogue is so clear And Dan was like what these speakers are garbage. Oh, man I can't hear things put the put the words on the screen. What's that? Yeah, the point is we had

What about my favorite cartoons look like like stuffy Smith then he started doing this talk to the hand bit Yeah, what do you do? Yeah, Dan was like, uh, on snabbit his fingers, and we were like, what character are you right now, Dan? I'm talking about prospector. So kind of, so kind of like street smart prospector, I don't get it. Point is maybe gay. The subtitles were on. So the captions. The captions. And the number of times the captions under

Christian is just scoffs. It was amazing. Like, Christian is constantly scoffing and everything that downstairs here does. Yeah, he's a real, he's a scoffer. He doesn't, he like, he seems like one of those guys who's like, we're married. That means I legally own you now. Yeah. And I don't mean, there's nothing likeable about Christian. Okay, now that she gets to drive the fancy car now though, because she's the boss when it comes to GMatayo, which also sounds like a car.

Like you said, oh yeah, I got the 2017 GMatayo. I'd be like, that sounds like a car to me. Sounds like that car's got great breasts. It's hard to drive when you're destructive with a car's breasts. And she's driving so fast, even Christians a little scared, but then they lose the security detail and an SUV starts trailing them for an incredibly low stakes chase. It's like, hey guys, you ever seen that movie Bullet?

Now what if this was not Bullet and instead it was a very slow boring car chase? So it's almost like a slow bullet. Hey, you know the movie Ronin? This would be like knownin. Sorry, I stepped on your slow bullet joke which was great for my very stupid joke. Anyway, they lose their pursuer. And I mean if this movie was like Ronin,

be called Bone In, by the way. Yeah, now it would be bonein like a verb or bonein. Like a steak? Yeah, no, it's like a rib eye Okay so One if there was a porn version of Ronin called bone in uh-huh sure was produced by a guy in the pseudonym John Fuckingheimer. Yeah, okay, and it's our Robert DePino. Okay. Go on anymore

Who's in that movie John Renaud so that would be Okay, go on anymore. Who else is in that movie? John Renaud. So that would be... Okay, okay. And the IU has the... I'll have to elaborate, Diane, of miniature samurai soldiers. It's all gonna be tiny little naked people. Yeah, exactly. So that's bone in the porn version of Ronin. Ronin had been a bigger head.

I assume it happened. But speaking of porn and cars, they are so turned on by this car chase that they just have sex in their car parking lot. Okay, I mean, sex in the car in a parking lot. That seems pretty standard. Yeah, and they think a woman was driving that SUV, but they don't know who it was for sure. I mean, is there people having sex

in a car in a parking lot in Tango and Gash? I mean, that's really in the trunk. They get into the trunk in a parking garage. Is that the one like weird nude moment that is not totally weird? It's pretty natural. Has the one gratuitous shot of nudity for no reason. Just like in Comanzo when they burst into a hotel room

where two people are filming themselves having sex. My favorite is in demolition manwear. Oh, that's the best. Yeah. The woman just phoned, video phoned, the woman on accident, and she's naked. Yeah, cold calls him. And it's literally like, it is, that is the least,

it's not, at least in these other movies, there's an action scene going on, and they like barge in on people having sex. This was literally like, this nude woman is barging into the action movie. I love the idea. I love this terrifying vision of the future where of course as soon as this technology is developed, everyone's going to be accidentally nude calling people. It's a it posits a future where people no longer use toilet paper because there's a better technology.

We have video phones and yet people don't have contact lists in their phones. They still have to dial random numbers. So it's like this far future world where you still have a little book that you flip through to get to someone's phone number. Yeah. That's right. In the future, everyone is my mother-in-law who still uses one of those little books of phone numbers. It's, yeah, it's all written on Taco Bell stationary. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. So, uh-oh. They're in trouble. Someone's chasing them. Time to take some time out for Anna to centrally wash Christian's hair in preparation to give him a haircut,

because as if it wasn't clear enough that he is a baby to her, she is now cutting his hair, something parents do for their kids. The haircut never happens. No, because she goes to get scissors and she finds in his desk, but she finds in. A gun? A gun. A gun.

Which in some ways is more effective than scissors, but maybe not for the task at hand. No, I mean, you had to eat so many bullets to individually shoot each hair off. I mean, I feel like if you shoot the right hair, all the rest are just gonna pop off. And they're scared. Yeah, it's getting here, boys.

And she's like, that's right, let that be a lesson to the rest of you. It's the gun that he took from his stalker, Lila, when she pulled it on Anna in the last movie. No, it's all tied together. It's all tied together. Remember in that, as, as, check off one said, if you introduce a gun in the second movie

in your sex trilogy, it has to show up in the third movie of your sex trilogy. And a lot of people don't know that Chekhov's famous sex trilogy. The Jerry Orchard, the Seagull, and Uncle Vania. Originally had a lot more sex in them. I was going to go there too, but I could only think of one Chekhov playoff hand, and I was very mad at myself. What was it? The Seagull. Oh, you know what? I mad that I didn't think of three sisters, the one that most sounds like it could be a porn movie. Yeah, and did he have enough time

and is off time on the Enterprise to write those? Or? Oh, yeah, yeah. Because I mean, he was so busy. I'm literally the first person in all of history to make that- To ever, I mean, it was literally a sketch on Viva Variety. The comedy central show with Thomas Lennon

and Ben Grand Carey, and Carey Carey, where they had Walter Kanag in a scene from a check-off play and it turned it to him fist fighting a Klingon at the end of it. But remember that show? Yeah. I hadn't thought about that in a long time. Johnny Blue James. Yeah, Johnny Blue James, he sang that song, Pac-Man Fever.

Oh, whatever it was. It was a good show. Yeah, or like I love you, Miss Pac-Man. Pac-Man fever. Oh, never was. It's a good show. Yeah, or like I love you Miss Pac-Man. Pac-Man fever was a real song. Yeah. I'm sorry. It was called I think I love you Miss Pac-Man. No, they had a song he sang on it called, I just want to make out with you, babe.

And there's some line in it about, let's go over there to the darkest corner of the roller ring. That was such a funny detail. Okay, guys, but let's get back to this. Is she gonna show up? No, she doesn't. We find out pre-orders for Boyz Fox's new book are huge. We never hear about Boyz Fox ever again. And Anna's friend Kate invites her out to dinner, but Christian was like, go straight home. I'm worried for your safety. And Kate's like, nah, all right. And I was like, nah, I'm gonna go hang out with my bestie.

And Kate tells her that Hyde had a bunch of files about the Grey family. And it's one of those things where it's like, why do you know this? Like what's, and now Kate is her friend. It's not Christian sister, right? Christian sister is me. Yeah.

And but Kate is dating Christian's brother, Elliot? Yes, I believe so. Okay. Side characters in this are so boring and their plots are so inconsequential and they're given like, although we do spend quite a bit of time talking with Elliot and Kate, right?

Eventually, yeah. But for no reason. So they have a lovely dinner with multiple martinis. I think it's not really dinner so much as just martinis. I mean, there's a little liquid dinner. Yeah, liquid, she literally says to the waiter, she goes, just keep the martinis coming.

And I imagined a Sorcerer's apprentice type scenario. And he's like, I will do as program. And he's bringing them hundreds of martinis to the point where they're just, that fills the room with martinis. They have to drink it all. And duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh end of the dead and retrieve Anastasia and not look back or else scare her ghost back into Hades clutches. Yeah.

Fifty shades of orpheus. So Anna comes home. So it's a weird thing for her friend to be like, yeah, and it's weird that your old boss had all those files on the grays on his computer. Why would she know that? Yeah. The character needs information at that moment. Anna goes home and who's there?

Hide. Bum-bump. He attacks her with a knife. The security guys save her and the police come. And they find that there was a note that Hide had that says, you owe me a life. Bump, bump, bump. Is it possible? The other shoe drops. The cosmic balance has been thrown out of whack.

I will say, with all the weird time out, how there's all the, someone mentioned on Twitter once that we say, I will say a lot on this podcast, and I'm noticing it a lot now. But something I wanna say is watching this movie and having all the stuff with Kate and Elliot and Mia. Characters, I've seen in the past movies,

but I didn't remember, and I don't remember the relationships. I was like, this is what it's like when people who don't pay attention to comic books have to watch Avengers movies. It was like, how am I supposed to remember who all how are these people are connected? How can you not remember that Bucky was cap sidekick and then he got frozen and he thought he was dead but he's the winter soldier. And why is the entire audience in this theater performatively laughing every time that character says that thing? I don't remember. Yeah, it's a so it's this it I'm like now I understand what it's like. I've seen how the

other half lives the other half beat because society is divided into two halves of Andrews fans and 50 shades of gray fans. Okay. And never the train show meet. It's the coming civil war. Although a prophecy speaks of a child of both worlds. We'll bring them together in the biggest crossover event in human history. 50 shades of infinity war. I think it's infinity shades of gray, by the way. Oh, that would be better. Yeah, infinity shades of where what they like Christian Gray and Thanos team up or like

what's that's how they defeat him or they team up to spank half the universe. Yeah. Well, yeah, Thanos like he gives Christian the gauntlet so he can use it to like tie somebody up real well. Yeah, Thanos, he gives Christian the gauntlet so he can use it to like tie somebody up real well. Yeah, yeah It's one make half the universe doms and half the universe subs They which I mean like little like little doms the Italian restaurant and some kind of subsameless place You can have fancy Italian and then you can have you know just read Italian. Oh wow. What a universe What's called? It's called every girl of New York

What a world. What a time to be alive. When so many variety of Italian food restaurants are available in one city. Truly, I've seen the future, but ask me not to reveal too much. For the vision is too beautiful for eyes such as yours. You know, there's such a thin line between subs and Boston. Let's explore it, won't we? So Christian gets upset.

Anna tries to calm him down by having sex with him in the shower, but he rebuffs her and says, I can't. Uh oh, Christian, not in the movie, must be mad. Before we move past this, what a shower, right? This shower. It is like you are in a Amazonian rain storm. It's like Christian saw and I was spring commercial. He's like, give me that water.

It does not have a shower head. It has a shower ceiling. It's like you would never need, it's part of the rich fantasy. Like I'm going to waste so much water. I'm going to, this shower can fit several people in it. Who knows? Maybe Christian and I will do that someday.

But until now, I'm just going to use could fit several people in it. Who knows, maybe Christian and I will do that someday. But until now, I'm just gonna use up 3,000 gallons of water. I'm gonna use enough water to transport a whale to sea worlds. In my view, this shower. Yeah, unless like, he has a side business where he gives showers to like packs of dogs. That was the, that was the front of the gray fortune. Like we've invested a number of things

so we can ever lose sight of the original business, giving dogs showers, in packs, for the bonding experience. That's why we make so much money. That's why we make so much money. We're a volume business. Yeah, now everyone, so what a lot of people don't know is GDS investment stands for gray dog showers, the original company, which we changed to initials when we diversified into,

of course, shipping, manufacturing, oil, the entertainment business. But my old grandpa, Jedda Dye Gray, started with a nickel and a dog in one beaker of water as he always said they'll always be dirty dogs there's money in them dirty dogs he said because he would hide money inside the dogs he was taken away later on life for a rainy day he said the rainy day would be the worst thing because god would be showering those dogs and no one would have to pay us for it. So anyway, they make up later that night they take a trip to the red room for some shackle sex and we learn that Christian has a selection of vibrators stored in a custom molded foam

drawer. I mean, that makes sense. Who did he hire to do that? I mean, has there been anything in these movies that would lead you to believe that he doesn't have that work? That's a good point. And what I like about it is it means he doesn't just have to open, if he opens the drawer of the viabitours, don't just roll around banging into each other.

He keeps stimulating her than stopping to show her how frustrating she's been to him. And she's like, I can't take it. And she uses her safe word, red. And she's like, that wasn't love, that was punishment. I don't like it. And Chris. And he's like, that wasn't love, that was punishment. I don't like it. And Chris. And he's like, but I was mad at you. But I'm mad and I only know how to express myself

erotically. This is my means of expression, which I mean, I think Dan seen a lot of movies where characters only can express themselves erotically. You know, you've written a lot, right? Yeah, that's right. I've written a series of erotic novel under my name. Dan.

Dan? Dan MacKoeil. It's a great day. They call me. They call me. Who calls you that? Well, mostly myself, but I'm only a catcher. You're like, how about that great day in MacKoeil?

They should go on the great day. Who is that? He's a famous unpublished erotic fiction writer. And I'm like, there's only one great day in my life. That's day and iron foot, King of the Dwarves. And what is that from? The fucking Lord of the Rings, dude. Okay, I'm sorry, I don't remember all the dwarves. You don't know all the dwarves.

I only know some of the dwarves, Black Dahlia. I don't remember the other Amelia Bedelia who can now be named Amelia Bedelia. Happy, snazzy, uh, Ant-Man, the Wasp. I mean technically he's a dwarf at times. That's true. Ringo, uh, Popeye is the 10th, uh, other groups of people. Peter Tork.

Peter Tork, theater and toward the movie you have to have a as theater torque the biopic everyone was asking for uh... it's all takes place in his career after the monkeys to that's the amazing thing about it okay so uh...

she's he's he's a christian says he doesn't know why hide is me keeping files on his family and he had a bad dream that anna was dead and it's really been making a mad. He said something, I think he's, if I'm remembering correctly and I could be remembering wrong, I think he said something about like you were dead and I couldn't do anything about it. It's like, yeah, no shit dude, you can't bring people back from the dead. What is the, like 50 shades of Frankenstein all of a sudden? There's gotta be, someone must have written some kind of 50 shades of Frankenstein, which

erotic fiction with a Frankenstein monster instead of a vampire, right? It must exist. Yeah, that's gotta be someone must have written some kind of fifty shades of Frankenstein which erotic fiction with a Frankenstein monster instead of a vampire right it must exist yeah that's got it i mean i guess that's just young Frankenstein that i think about it i guess i mean sure yeah sure so just i'm sorry Stewart that was i apologize i went on that that dead end road i was just i mean i was just clarifying that this was about the point where we had to pause the movie because we're watching in the green room uh... synagogue and uh... so i i i miss some of the stuff well all you need to be worried about anna and they're fighting this

this marit the honeymoon is over guys uh... they're dealing with the reality of the real pressures that a marriage is under such as worrying that a stalker is your old enemy is stalking your wife, and that she might kill her, worrying that you're not meeting the very elaborate checklist of erotic needs that you've presented to her, also that she won't be your possession. That's a real pressure in a lot of marriages. And also, there's a worry that GM Mateo might steal your man away,

or ruin your beautiful home. I mean, what? Look that GM Mateo might steal your man away or ruin your beautiful home. I mean, what look? GM Mateo has it all. She has boobs that people just can't stop talking about. There's one thing that everybody's lips. It's on a husband. It's in the newspapers all the time. It's a hashtag.

It's been career. The thing, on Aspen's Twitter, hashtag, G is boobs. It really has been really trending. And she's got that modern style that people love, you know. It's all glass and steel. It's so clean windows. What if it was like she's a real Frank Gary type and Anna was like, you want to tear down this beautiful mansion and just make something looks like a pile of crap just fell

down. Wow. Take that Frank Gary. I don't like your move. You're buildings. I don't see your movies. I like your movies either. Just to put you guys out. I like your movies either.

Just to put you guys out. I like your movies either. Just to put you guys out. I like your movies either. Just to put you guys out. I like your movies either. Just to put you guys out. I like your movies either.

Just to put you guys out. I like your movies either. Just to put you guys out. I like your movies either. Just to put you guys out. I like your movies either. Just to put you guys out. I like your movies either.

Just to put you guys out. I like your movies either. Just to put you guys out. I like your movies either. Just to put you guys out. I like your movies either. Just to put you guys out. I like your movies either. Just to put you guys out. Just to put you guys out. I like your movies either. Just to put you guys out. I like your movies either. Just to put you guys out. Just to put you guys out. Just to put you guys out. Just to put you guys out. Just to put you guys out. Just to put you guys out. Just to put you guys out. Just to put you guys out. Just to put you guys out. Just to put you guys out. Just to put you guys out. Anna dreams that oh, oh so uh, so they're worried at work. Christian calls Anna. This is when he calls himself your boss's boss's boss, which is gross and says it's time for a surprise vacation

to Aspen. She gets on their private plane. All her friends are there. Yeah, he's like, Hey, I understand. You said you wanted to spend time with your friends and not just be a prisoner of my sex apartment. Let's, I'm going instead in prison, all of your friends and take them with us to my Aspen set house. You can see your friends under my terms now.

This is and he's like you bought this vacation. We should take it because last movie remember she bid in the charity auction on the Grey's Aspen house. That was before balls got stuck in somebody's holes right? That was after. Okay. He had already put balls in her holes and then she was wearing them during the auction. Oh, right. Like in the ugly truth. They made a big yes. They made a big, except in the ugly truth,

those vibrating panties. Those vibrating panties, the remote control of which falls into the hands of a child, those drive her mad with desire, and she's so flustered. In this one, he puts Benoit balls in her, and is like, just watch out. And her entire reaction is oh Like the same the same titter of mild amusement of a New Yorker cartoon

Is what this erotic adventure has as a list it how do you get those things out? Oh plunger? He's a little plunger You you throw a mini tantrum and You throw a mini tantrum and jump up and down. I wear, wear, wear, like that. Okay, so they go to the house and Christian, at this moment, seals my understanding of him as the world's worst man, the world's biggest asshole. By surprising everyone with an impromptu piano recital, as he sings, maybe I'm amazed, accompanying himself,

and I'm like, fuck you dude. This is it. I have never been in a situation ever where I've been in a social setting and someone has started unsolicited, started playing music and I've been like, this is making it better. I love this.

Hey, you know how we were all hanging out having a good time talking? Now we have to stop so that you can strum along on your acoustic guitar and sing that one strong from college. Everyone knows the words too. Thanks everybody. But Dan, it's okay if you give him that as a wedding gift.

Yeah, no, Dan, I'm not talking about you. You're the great Dan. You can get away with it. Thanks. I mean, when Dan does it, it's a totally different thing. It's music and magic. And Dan McCoy, music and magic. 12 new tracks.

It's his concept album. Every track is a trick. Tracks, how can you pay for my music? So they're like, we've never heard Christian sing before and it's just like, come on dude, get over yourself. He's got to be the center of attention all the time. Anna dreamed she's on her honeymoon, but it's with hide, eh! But she gets over it by having ice cream kitchen sex

with Christian. You know, she's just dripping ice cream all over him and then licking it off. And it seems, that's one of the things that seems like it would be in real life less sexy than like sticky and kind of uncomfortable. I've never understood the whole food sex thing. Just like, I'll do something that's cleaner, please.

It's like, hey, you know what? I've always wanted my pubic hair, sticky things. Yeah. Sure, let's do that. But that's why guys, maybe I learned this the wrong way. That's why you're totally shaved down there. It's why one, I'm totally shaved and two,

I've stopped my molasses sex play. Where one, the dripping takes so long. It takes forever for it to run down your body. And so you're just standing there waiting, getting cold. Because of course it's, it's cold molasses because you don't want it to drip so much. Yeah, what about the sex play where you rub school paste all of your stuff?

Well, it's delicious. Yeah. And so that was no anal blockage. So that that one weird kid can can link it off to those who's always eating the face. Damn, that's weird. So while they're having this lovely sex, they also knock over their decorative bowl of apples that I'm assuming was set up by like a housekeeper. I assume so. And that represents the loss of innocence.

Oh, that makes sense. And knowledge throwing knowledge on the ground. Yeah. They've taken the fruit of the tree of knowledge and they've said, no, thank you. And slammed it into the ground. We'll be enjoying this American dream. Thank you very much. Do you think that's what it was?

It was some kind of Ben and Jerry's that she was eating. Yeah, I mean, they're super wealthy, right? Or maybe it was like, I don't know, what's, what's a fancy ice cream, Dan? Um, I thought it was the ice cream. Probably something called jala, like some kind of j know, what's what's a fancy ice cream, Dan? Um, I thought it was something called jala, like some kind of jala, okay. Yeah. Maybe it was just briars. It was maybe it was just briars. It was, it was, she, she, what she did was she took the outsides off of a off of a weight watchers to a foodie cutie. Yeah, it's a skinny cow. The, uh, he, and the best part is when he finds her in the kitchen, he goes, he walks in there,

he goes straight to the refrigerator and she surprises him. And he's like, Hey, I was looking for you like in the refrigerator. I know. I was sometimes when you get upset, you climb into the crisper. He's like, I've forgotten how large you were. I thought you were little and also maybe ahead of lettuce. I was reading this article online about women and refrigerators.

And I think I made misunderstood. He's like, oh yeah, you're not milk, you're over here. So they have sex. Christian's detective slash bodyguard, he tells Christian all the inside info they've been able to dig up on hide, such as he went to Princeton. Yes.

And also worked at other publishers. It's like, okay, great. So this guy did the minimum amount of research. They also found out he has some former blackmail in his past. He let he used to tape himself having sex with women and then blackmail them with the video. He's also an I. So he got a little bit of juicy. Yeah. And also that he was in and out of foster homes in Detroit. And Christian goes, oh, me too. I was also funny old world, huh? What's the point of the odds? How would a kowiki dig? Kowiki dig.

People still say that, I think. I guess it is a small world. Anna goes dress shopping with her friends. She buys admittedly a very attractive sexy dress. Her friend walks out wearing the doubtiest red dress and everyone's like, ooh girl, whoa, watch out, too hot hot stuff. It feels very much like they're intentionally dressing her

to make Anna's dress look sexier. Yeah, I think you're right. That's or the other thing is they're trying to get Kate to like get out of her shell a little bit. Is there pretending that her kind of mom wear is very sexy to acclimate her to that? They're really granular about those dress. So while Kate is wearing this trash bag,

Anna looks out the window and sees Anna's boyfriend, Elliot, Kate's boyfriend, Elliot. Oh, shit. Christians brother, Anna's boyfriend is her husband, right? The titular great. It's nice to know that they kind of still consider themselves boyfriend girlfriend.

Yeah, I mean, you know what? They're lovers, they're best friends. They're boyfriend girlfriend and they're married because just because you married doesn't mean the love goes away. That happens when you have children Disgating that doesn't have any of them. She looks at the window and sees She sees Kate's boyfriend Elliott Christians brother and who's he hugging? Dan? Who is he hugging? Yeah, Mateo. That's right. GM Mateo the queen of Aspen GM Mateo whose boobs have dominated many men

like Giam Matteo, the queen of Aspen. Giam Matteo whose boobs have dominated many men. They go to a hot Aspen club that night where the topic of conversation on everyone's lips is Giam Matteo's boobs. And L.A. seems to know a lot about her background and we're like, uh oh, Elliott seems to have something on his mind and he does. He proposes to Kate and we don't give a shit. Yeah, right there forever. And Anna's like, what do I do?

What do I do? I think he might be having to fare with Jim Mateo since I saw them hugging once. In the most chased meeting of souls, I've ever seen on a city street. Don't worry guys. That doesn't go anywhere. That doesn't go anywhere.

So there's a little bit of club dancing. There's a shot of a DJ that made L.A. and say, what the fuck? This guy has the dumbest hair. I mean, I'll give them credit. They went all out with the character design for this DJ. I guess they went to Lucasfilm and had one of those, their guys work on it.

Because everything in this movie is so bland looking, except for this one DJ. I've just assumed that he was like, I'm playing an E.J. in Aspen. I'm gonna, I wanna be remembered for this role. And so instantly like, who is this guy? What's his story? I've never been, I watched a whole movie about DJs.

We are your friends. And I was not as interested as I am in this one guy. We see for a second. But he looks ridiculous. Anna Christian continue their intense sex schedule to the point that she can't even pay attention at work because she's so busy thinking about their sex. The police officer who arrested Hyde comes in and tells her, hey, Hyde says that you and

him are having an affair and that you destroyed his career because you're like a crazy bitch and everyone knows Hyde is a bad dude, but he's going to tell the story to get bail. So see ya and she's like, can't you stop him? He's like, I can't say anything. I just have to follow what people say. I'm an impartial observer. As, as, as Gort, the enforcer robot from the day the Earth stood still, I cannot make these judgments. Who'm on? I can only enforce the law of the spaceways. If you continue to

extend your violence, this Earth of yours, she'll be reduced to a burnt out cinder. Gotta go. See ya. Clad to brought a nifty he's like but if you're really sweating it he's having his bail hearing today you can go see it you should go see it he's like well I don't really have to work right the the she goes she doesn't have to work so the judges like mr. hide one you have an evil name to that story sounds crazy. You seem like a ridiculous monster of a man, but your record's good. So I'll set bail at $500,000. And because everyone in the movie is rich, he makes bail. No problem. Yeah. Meanwhile, she's in the back

watching the stress like a grieving widow from a mob. Yeah. All black blacks. So one of the things where she dresses to be inconspicuous, but sticks out so much more That's just more regular clothes and hide again and gives her a wink as he walks by her. She is so upset. She throws up And guys that's the moment when Stewart Obviously, guess the cliche because she's not throwing up from fear. She's thrown up from a baby in that Belly, so it was like, oh, is she pregnant? I was like, no way. They're not going to do that. Next scene, her OB is like, hey, you're pregnant. And that was when Elliot denied making a bet with me

and that it was going to make a bet. No, no, no. She was pregnant. 100 American dollars. You said, no way. And you said, if she turns out to be pregnant, you owe me $100. And I said, I don't use it 100.

You said you have to give me 100 of your American dollars. That's the quote. And I said, no, me 100 of your American dollars. That's the quote. And I said, no, I don't agree to that. I don't know. I feel like there was something in your eyes that was implicit to agreeing with my one. Well, I didn't say my bet safe word, which is red. She goes to her, and this is a real show of how rich she is.

She can get a same day appointment with her gynecologist. Am I right, fellas? I mean, I don't have any. I guess so. I don't really know about gynecology. I don't have any experience with Dr. Span. Trust me on this one. Okay, guys, she's pregnant because she'd stop taking her

at her shots for her contraception, or she forgot. Christian is upset. He says, he's not ready to be a father and it's like, no shit, dude, look at you. You're like this sex obsessed baby man. He comes back drunk. and when he is drunk He is the least charming man in the history of the world This was a realistic moment for me where it's like oh when Christian Grey is drunk

He's just like every sloppy drunk asshole dude. Well, he's a man who's all about control Elliott so when he gets drunk he loses I guess that's the heart the real pain that he likes to inflict on himself, because he's forcing himself to play this role. Yeah. He's caught in handcuffs on the inside, because he put handcuffs on his intestines. Oh, wow. Also his emotions.

Commitment. The real shackles are the ones you can't see. Just kidding. They're the ones that people can put in. Yeah, that's fair. He's upset. He tells her because babies mean no sex. And he goes, you'll see, you'll choose him over me,

which is, I mean, that's one, a number of relationships, I think have to deal with that emotional subtext of, I used to be the central figure in your life and now this child is the central figure in your life and we have to work to keep our relationship alive. But there's also the weird undercurrent of like, you're gonna start having sex with that baby and not with me.

It's like, that's a weird way to go. You kind of had that relationship when he was a young man with his mom's friend, right? of like you're gonna start having sex with that baby. And not with me. It's like that's a weird way to go, Chris. Kind of had that relationship when he was a young man with his mom's friend, right? That's true, with his mom's best friend, Kim Basinger, as herself. Yeah. And she puts him to bed and she sees that he got a text

from who else but Kim Basinger. So there's a saying that he hung out with her that night. There is no world where Christian Grey has the text displayed when texts show up on his phone. No way, Mr. Secrets. Yeah, man who has multiple locked rooms in his house. That is, Housekeeper doesn't know about, which means that Christian Gray has to go and clean that room himself.

Yeah. Ooh, that's going to be the dirtiest room in the house. I mean, I guess. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you haven, yeah. Right. Yeah, that's, uh. I mean, you haven't seen his bathroom. Okay. And she goes, she doesn't want to share about them. So she goes and she curls up to sleep in the red room,

thus making literal his fear. Their sex room has become just for sleeping. Prophees complete. As was foretold, decades passed by the wise ones. The next morning while dressing, Anna and Christian have, I have to say, a fairly realistic couple fight. And the thing that makes it the most realistic is that Anna's getting dressed while they're doing it.

And as do it goes, this is how it starts. Casual duty. Yeah, their nudity no longer arouses them. It's just a fact to be admitted to. But like, there's like, don't look now. But it's like, I mean, it is kind of like, don't look that like, there's nothing sexy about this scene. She's just very matter of factfully getting dressed.

And I was like, okay, that's a realistic thing in a marriage. Like how do I say, don't look now as a teenager. I was like blown away by, oh, when you're married, you'll just brush your teeth naked in front of your wife or your husband. And it's not a sexy thing. It's just like, you've reached that level of comfort we're just like whatever, okay.

And we're also blown away about how it's the dumbest movie ever made. How, aside from those scenes of their marriage, it doesn't make any sense otherwise. It's so angry. And it's not scary. Jesus. When people, I feel like don't look now,

and I'm just gonna say it too, eyes without a face, are two movies, they're not bad movies. They have their good things about them. But people are like, you know what my favorite horror movie is? Eyes without a face. Like you mean that not scary movie? I think my favorite of horror movies don't look now. And it's like, okay, so you're just trying to sound

arty and cool. I'm not gonna look now with that movie you just said. Yeah. I like both of those movies. They're both fine movies, but they are not eyes Without a face made me wish that I didn't have eyes in my face Right any any more good ones Anyway, I'll tweet them I'll tweet those hashtag extra jokes. It'll make sense on the episode comes out

so The next morning they have that fight she really really digs into his mommy abandonment issues because as you remember, Christians' birth mother was what, like a drug addict and she was, wait a minute, she was killed in front of him, right, or am I thinking of Dexter? I'm like, I think that's Dexter.

Because Dexter was found in a, in a shipping container full of blood, right? By James Remar. So wait, so. With his brother who's also serial killer. Yes, that's right. Because everyone has a serial killer brother when you're a genius killer.

No, it's Miami, the Miami world of serial killers. They have so many serial killers per capita, according to that show. Because his birth mother was a drug addict, he went into foster care and was adopted by the grays in this rich life So he has a lot of mommy abandoned issues jack hide calls Anna out of nowhere It says I kidnapped Christian sister Mia and I want five million dollars and two hours or something to kill her I was supposed to be Christian Gray. He owes me a life. I'm not gonna explain that right now. Forget I brought it up Nevermind. I'm working through something. She slips away from her bodyguard who is the so bad keeping track of her. She goes, hey, meet me in the library.

A library which has almost no books in it. It's a pool room. It has a pool table. Let me say this. You should have it. If you're, if you, if you call the room that has a pool table, no books, a library, you might be a dumb rich person. Because I've been in people's houses like that where they're rich and they have a pool table. Is your white collar comedy too? This is my one percent comedy tour. If you got a lot of books in your house but you've never actually opened them, you might

be a dumb rich person. And I was at, this was a relative's house. And they had all these leather-bound classics of literature. And I was like, oh, this is a great book and I took one down and opened it and heard the telltale crack of a book that had never been opened before. They were gonna say it was like cut out and there's a flask inside.

It's like a Charlie Browns restaurant and they just slice the spine off a book and glued it to the wall to make it look like a library full of books. But it was like this moment of like, I'd never heard, it was like a crack a thunder from the heavens The sound of this unread copy of Don Coyote that had never even been paid flipped through but anyway Tommy a lot of our relatives anyway. She escapes her bodyguard the bodyguards like all meach in the library

She just leaves while he's going there and then he's calling. He's like she got away as he watches her Get into her car and drive off and he's like going he's like, she got away. As he watches her, getting took her her car and drive off. And he's like, going, fuck, oh, fuck, she got away. Like, he's so impermissible. Like, well, calm down. Calm down, Sawyer. And she goes to the bank, the banker calls Christian. Uh-oh, she can't even write a check

for five million dollars to get cash. For cash, no questions asked right away. But hide told her, don't tell Christian about what's going on. So she can't tell him, Christian thinks that Anna is leaving him and is taking his money. Which Anna could kind of, I mean, it's not. It would be understandable.

He's a bad husband. But when he says, like, are you leaving me, she could just say no at that point. Well, she's very upset that she's in this position. I think she has so overcome with emotion that she can't even talk. Like, if she was thinking straight, she'd say, no, something's going on.

I have to tell you about it. But she's, that her marriage has got to the point where her husband can conceive that she is now leaving him. Yeah. Because things have gotten so bad between them that they have no future. And that she's leaving him because she's pregnant and that he refuses to be a father to a baby.

I can say that she would be so upset that she can't think, she can't really find the words in that moment. And I described the moment much more powerfully than it is presented in the film. I have to say. But, and the Christian in a great show of releasing control, this is his big moment, says to the banker, do whatever my wife tells you.

Even if she is leaving him, then he's gonna do it. But then he gets his card, he's like, Anna's in trouble, We gotta figure something out. This doesn't make sense. And he starts tracking her with her phone, which is. Because she takes the bank manager's phone. Yeah, she goes, doesn't bank manager. I need to use the emergency exit.

Can you give me your phone and the bank manager's like, these rich fucking clients that I have to do everything for. Like, it's a real, you get this little glimpse into Christian Grey's relationship with his banker, which is probably like a Trump Michael Cohen type thing, where it's like you're my guy, you're on call all the time and you always have to debase yourself for me. So it's like, Christian's like, hey,

you're the only guy who knows that I spend most of my money on crazily expensive sex toys. I need you to buy a stained glass dildo in your name so that I can, I'll pay you back for it, but I can't have my name on it. Because I'm famous and he's, and the banker's wife is like, Whalen, because his last name is Whalen. Whalen, why are you,

Whalen Jennings? We don't have this kind of money. Why are you spending it all on antique sex toys? And he's like, oh no, I like using them with my mistress. I guess I can't reveal the identity of my biggest client. Anyway, she, the guy says, give your phone to the driver. There's a car waiting for you. The waiting car's being driven by Liz,

her coworker who doesn't like her. She gives, she gives Liz the banker's phone, which Liz discards by dropping it in a puddle in an alleyway. So Christian can still track her phone because that's not creepy to track your spouse's phone. Thank God that big man, her phone got ruined. Yeah, that's the other thing. He's not creepy to track your spouse's phone. Thank God that big man, your phone got ruined. Yeah, that's the other he's like, oh, networked my phone.

I had so many games on that. Anna goes to drop off the money with Hyde. Hyde starts really beating her up badly and kicks in the tummy. And she pulls out the gun and shoots him in the knee. And then the police show up. And so a lot of actions packed into the last 20 or so minutes of this film. She shoots after literally nothing happening for the rest of the day. She shoots him with the gun that showed up in movie 2.

Uh-huh. It all ties together. And you see that gun was pointed at her because of Christian's old lover. Now she's owned that and she's because of Christians old lover now she's owned that and she's repurposed that weapon and she's found her own power source which is a gun and they all show up they save the sister there's a teary hospital bed reunion yeah and she and after a Christian talks to his mom marshal gay Gaye Harden, in her one scene in the movie, and she says, oh no, Anna would never leave you. She loves you too much, and she's tenacious.

And Christian reveals that Liz had had an affair with Hayden, he was blackmailing her with a sex tape. Uh oh. And Anna tells Christian, you have to forgive your mother. That's the only way we're gonna figure this out, and you're gonna feel like you're gonna, you have to forgive your mother and love her, your birth mother, and love her unconditionally, the way this baby is gonna love you unconditionally

And it's like yeah, that's true that baby is gonna love even though he is going to be objectively a terrible dad Yeah, and not because the sex stuff just because he's a self-centered asshole Then shocking shocking turn of events Christian anilor and that Christian and hide were in foster care together What and so hide has always been mad that the Grey is adopted Christian and not him. The Grey's took away in their spaceship. Yeah, yeah. And at first he was like, yeah, probe him. I don't want it. Then it turned out that the Grey's were rich aliens. And he was like, no, probe me all you want. Give me the money. give me those credits give those Astro bucks. I need to buy some death sticks

Nice yeah Astro books party developed a death stick That's the problem with foster care The system and he's like and Christian is like on the on only me because I was adopted by rich people What if I had turned out like hide and she she's like, you're a good man, you never would have turned out by hiding. All evidence of the contract. All of you are a controlling monster.

And that's the thing about being a controlling person is that I'm assuming that works really well with children. Being controlled. I mean, you do have to establish boundaries. But I am assuming like, there's so much out of your control when raising a child, all through a child's life that being a control freak would that'll just drive you crazy.

Yeah, luckily he has learned to release some control. Oh, okay. By inviting another human being into his life. That human being. Boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, boys I work some voice files. But Christian still. Wonders and reading one of those books. Anna, have you read this? They're so good. Yes, Christian, I edit them. I told you all about them.

You should read this. I think you'd like it. I picked the Fonsa. I made it two points bigger. No, it's so readable. That's the Anastasia touch. But he still can't cook. He tries to cook dinner and he burns a sauce

and then just dumps it down the sink. Then they go visit Christian's birth mother, birth mother's grave in the rain. And that's the perfect segue into an electro-pop montage of scenes from the past movies. As we relive the arc of their relationship through all the helicopters, private jets, and yachts that they've driven on.

We see Jeremy, Jamie Dorn and Christian Gray get pretty noticeably older. He, like I didn't notice it until they brought those scenes in, but he is, like, Anna does not change very much at all. The Christian has really, the hard living is, is starting to take a toll on him. Yeah. He's getting that puffiness that Leonardo DiCaprio puffiness. And he's a greatrio puffiness. Mm. And I'm just going to say, great name puffiness. Dang, you don't have to own everything. Yeah, we'll relinquish some control, Dan.

Yeah, come on. Anna, then text Christian. They're back at home. Texts him to come to the red room while he's just Newly on the piano. And Christian comes in and she says, like, I'm at your pleasure, sir. And he comes in and he tells her, I'm at your pleasure, sir. And he comes in and he tells her wearing his best jeans. Yeah. She has laid out his

his sex jeans. Oh, he'll he's he's he can't he can't do this without his without his wranglers. This is fucking bugaboy. This mom picked out for it. This is fucking Jinkos. Yeah, we're gonna shop in the Husky section. Mom, I lost weight. I don't know what you need to go to the Husky section. Mom, I'm a grown man. I'll just shop in the regular size of man's department. Not the Husky boys department.

It's like when I was a kid and we would go to like T. J.R. Friday's and my dad would be like, don't order the adult size chicken fingers. I'm gonna get you two kids meals and I'm like, I'm 15 years old dad. Like, can I get an adult meal? No, no, no. It's a dollar cheaper for me to get two kids chicken fingers. It's not as much food, dad. It's the same amount of food.

It's fine. Anyway, I'm still dealing with that with that trauma. But so Christian walks in and he tells her, you're topping from the bottom. And I can live with that. Yeah. It's like, uh, now she is the power. His character art is complete, huh? So that's right.

These three movies encompass basically the same thing as the second half of Phantom Thread. Yeah. The dominating man has now become the subservient in spirit, despite being still dominant to the seemingly subservient woman in his relationship. That's what happened in Phantom Thread. Now, you probably had my experience with Phantom Thread where you fell asleep during it

and had to rewatch the ending. Yeah, I assume that after he had that poison stuff, he turned into a ghost and he was a Phantom Thread. That's sort of fighting crime as the ghost themed tailor to the Phantom Thread. Yeah, he was slamming evil. It was his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his, his gonna be part of the Avengers Initiative? No, we see that they now have a toddler and they're living at their old crumbling hereditary mance that he bought her and they're a family because...

Until the old crown arrives at the doorstep. Because like any Shakespeare comedy, no matter what happened in the plot, everything's okay as long as the hero ended up the woman, Parabond, and start a traditional family. Take that William Shakespeare. Author of 50 Shades Read.

Wait, so you're saying what's gonna happen in the future to this family? What is there some kind of evil that's waiting for them? I mean, I think that's inevitable, right? Like you can't reach this kind of amazing happiness without something dark from your past coming back to fruition. Yeah, maybe his great grandfather Jedadaya Gray the

Greater of the dog shower Business. Yeah, maybe this is this is a person who he shower the dog so much all it's It just bones now. Yeah, just bones Here, so it's a Winchester mystery house. Yeah, so just bones. No, dear. So it's a winchester mystery house. Yeah. So bones that it became, so will you become bones too? That's the curse that she spits at them before she turns into dust. And, and, and, and, and, and, that he's, she's like, from now on, you'll do a different sort of boning than you're used to. And then she turns on a black light. She's got a poster of two skeletons having sex.

Yeah, because he's Jordan Peterson, Canadian academic. Yeah, we should move on though. Yeah, is this a good bad movie, a bad bad movie or movie kind of like Elliot? What do you think? I think I'm going to give it the faint praise of saying, I think this is the best movie of the 50 Shade series. I still think it's a bad, no, you know what? I'm gonna call it a good bad movie. I'll tell you why.

One, there's a ton of sex in it. There's more sex in this movie than I think in the last two movies combined. And two, it's like somehow really goofy when it's trying to be super serious. Yeah. And there's also a slightly less amount of just rich people porn, rich just fancy things. There's still a lot of it.

But, you know what? Yeah, I might say good bad movie because it's pretty stupid. Yeah, I mean, I think it's good bad movie. At, uh, I've somehow inexplicably developed an affection for this series. That's called Stockholm's story. I don't know why. You need to take it to be deep programs. Looks like the real stuff in this relationship is do or okay. I guess I await your pleasure movie. So yeah, I think it's good bad. Yeah, I mean, it's marginal for me, but I guess I'll go with the crown and say good bad. for me, but I guess I'll go with the crowd and say good, bad. Uh, I, I like how completely,

unimportant all of the supporting characters are, and how much time is wasted on them. Oh, that's, I forgot to mention that so, Elliott proposes to Kate, and then Christian and Ann are taking a bath together, because they have an enormous bath that could fit William Howard Taft in it. And she's like, I think that I'm worried that that Elliott might be having a fair with GMateo. And he says he probably did have sex there at some point. He slept with half of Aspen. And she's like, Oh, okay. Yeah. He loves Kate. Oh, okay. Never mind then. And then GMateo has never mentioned again. I think the eventual implication is that GMateo

was just there to help pick out the ring. I think there was like a throwaway line. Oh, is there a front of the jewelry store when they hug? Yeah, it's in GMatayah's impeccable taste. Because who knows Kate's tastes better than GMatayah? Famous taste maker and bosom have her. That you're right, I think that was probably. And she, that's right, because they hug and then she pat some on the face. Yeah.

And Anna takes that to me and as, they just had an affair, because that's right because they hug and then she pat some on the face. Yeah. And Anna takes that to mean as they just had an affair because that's what you do is you give someone a all look at you pat on the face. Yeah. You have sex, but it's because she's like, all you're finally making a real you being a grown up and you're getting married. That makes sense now. Okay. I missed that line.

And now so do you think those characters introduced just so that the 50 shades cinematic universe can have the spin off GMATEO movie, the boys Fox movie. There's the hide movie where he's part of a team of villains, like that kind of stuff. Yeah, the 50 shades initially, I don't know. It's the 50 shades in the F-S. It's called all the shades of gray.

All the shades of gray. Every last one. Cause I kinda wanna see those spin, like yeah, Stewart, I feel like I kind of have this weird horrifying affection for the series now as stupid as it is. watch a war movie podcast. What's in it for me, they say? Yeah, I'll tell you what's in it for you. What's in it for you is a biting socio-political commentary,

a scattered dick and fart jokes. And a lot of history, like there's the depicted wars but also the history of the time period that these films were made and released. They're very telling. So download Friendly Fire every Friday from your favorite pod catcher, or MaximumFun.org. Friendship is tough, especially when you're constantly slaying carnivorous hell-based spent on your destruction.

Hey, make sure to clean the tub. I might actually need to shower today. Oh, don't give me that. You've been wearing the same pair of track pants since Tuesday. I mean, they still have the size sticker on the leg. Hmm, too. Well, still, I was thinking today might be the day. Yeah, yeah. Oh, it's still alive! I heard a new weapons! Get it with the shower head! Shit. My burrito got some gunk on it.

But that's just fair, haven. We make it work. Bubble, the sci-fi comedy for MaximumFun.org. Just open your podcast app and search for bubble. Hey everyone, because we recorded this the way we did, we did not have our ad copy in time to do the normal reads. So it's another one of your favorite solo ad reads bling bling bling bling bling air horns air horns bling bling that's kind of like a weird like like AdverGee Robinson air horns bling

see bling anyway uh tonight or today I don't know when you're doing this I don't know your fucking life don't get on my case. Anyway, today our podcast is sponsored in part by Blue Apron. You know what Blue Apron is, you've heard about it. They put a bunch of food in the box, they send the box to you, you use that food to make your meals. Blue Apron delivers fresh pre-proportional ingredients and step-by-step recipes right to your door that can be cooked

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You can't just expect it to come up to your door without ordering it. I mean maybe if someone gave it to you as a gift, but that is a long shot. That is a million to one. So why don't you just order it. And if you're gonna order it, order it through us so we get a little sweet taste. Check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free at blueaprin.com slash flop house. That's blueaprin.com slash flop house to get your first three meals free. Blueaprin, a better way to cook. Also, response in part by Mac Weldon. Hey, listen, you like feeling good?

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Guys, this shopping is so simple, even a Dan can do it. And you've seen how I talk. They get this line of silver underwear and shirts that are naturally antimicrobial, meaning they eliminate odor. How many things in your life are naturally antimicrobial? I'm betting two or three at the most. At the most. Anyway, if you don't like your first pair of Mac Weldon underwear, you can keep it and they will still refund you, no questions asked,

no questions asked. And that is important because do you realize the number of crimes I intend on committing in my Mac Weldon underwear before returning them? So anyway go to Mac Weldon.com And get 20% off using promo code flop Hey guys It's not over yet. You got a few jumbo tronds here

Join your host Tyler the movie buff and Brandon the Movie not enough for the film foil podcast. A hat full of a hundred of history's greatest movies spurs their fortnightly discussion from two wildly different perspectives. Listen along as Brandon and Tyler and an occasional surprise guest. Discuss what they loved about the movie, share behind the scenes facts, offer recommendations of further viewing, and decide whether or not Brandon's dad would enjoy the movie. Search for FilmFoyle on your podcast player of choice, or go to FilmFoylePodcast.com And secondly, secondly on the Jumbo Tron, which you can get on yourself if you go to MaximumFun.org Slash Jumbo Tron.

This is another podcast. It's called Unaird. Unaird is a podcast where each week the host watched a TV show canceled with episodes left unaird. Review it, then pitch their ideas for what could have been in those episodes of those shows. They do segments like The Toots is Loose, where they include guest appearances of Stanley Tootsie in their episode pitches, and commercialize this shitty show where they share their marketing plans for these shows.

New episodes every Thursday, and you can find them on iTunes or wherever you find podcasts. So check out Unaird, wherever you find podcasts. Where do you find them? On the beach? No, those are shells. Don't try and put those in your ears. Anyway, back to the show. Let's move on. No. Do we have to? No. To letters, from listeners. Wait, Do we have to do letters from listeners? Wait, Dan, before we do that, I'd just like to remind people we have another live show coming up in June. All right.

On June 23rd. Okay. In Seattle, Washington. I'm sure it all. It's June 30th. Oh, I'm sorry. June 30th. Well, this is well.

I should have written it down. Okay. Yeah. That's right. June 30th in Seattle, Washington. Go to FlawpouseToHogcast slash.com slash events. At the Neptune theater. And I think we still tickets left as a Lord of the Deep. We'll be under the sea. That really.

Yeah. Are we? I got to get my gills put in. Stuart space right now. It's like confusion, anger, and delight all at once. All at the same time. This also known as storage reaction to anything we say. But yeah, June 30th in Seattle, Washington, flypast.podcast.com slash events, get some tickets.

It'll be our last live show before another K-Lin enters the world. That's true. It'll be my last live show before I have a second child and are not doing live shows for a little bit as I do not pull a Christian gray and jet off when my family is growing. Is that a stick around? I feel like he's just asking for a heartwarming moment where we're like, Ellie, you're nothing like Christian Gray. No, I'd be just like, hi, if I or Christian Gray, if I had been a kid with it who was in foster care and that was adopted by a rich family or not.

But look what you've made of yourself, Elliot. No, no, no, I'm just, all of us are just candles in the wind. We're just dust in the wind, too. Candle dust. Candle dust, 12 tracks by Elliot. I was gonna say, candle dust sounds like a really cheapy fantasy horror movie. Have you heard the legend of Jack Candle Dust? It does. It also doesn't make any sense.

Nothing about candles creates dust. No, it's wax. We shouldn't do letters, though. This first letter is from... I will have a lot of trouble saying this name. I'm gonna go with Naja, last name with Hell. Okay. And it goes like this, Hey fellas,

I was working in the garage Sunday afternoon and it was also listening to the USS Indianapolis Mint of Courage episode. Wait, let me say one thing, Dan, I appreciate that you still do your guns, did not apologize for possibly mispronouncing the name, but just stayed in. I'm going to have trouble with this.

This is your problem, Najia. So she was listening to the USS Nattown episode. Yeah. And a courage old man talk about how much they hate sharks. I hate them. I hate sharks. I hate them. I don't care when anybody says.

Who was telling you to feel better about sharks? You know, my six year old daughter thoughtfully decided to bring me a Capri Sun, just as Elliot was hitting his stride with the fan favorite. Wow, I'm on Wilson's bed. My daughter thought this was hysterical and asked me, Daddy, why is this man so surprised by everything? I told her that it was none other than Lightning McQueen acting so incredulous and she thought that was great.

Later that afternoon, her five-year-old cousin visited and brought her his collection of Pixar's Cars toys. I couldn't have been prouder than when my daughter started driving the Lightning McQueen car around the floor, saying, wow, I'm Lightning McQueen, wow. This totally infuriated my nephew. He kept trying to stop my daughter from quoting this. He doesn't say that.

hilarious line. And we was even even prider when she persisted I've decided to try convincing her to replace lightning McQueen's catchphrase cachao with Rao Rao purely for my own entertainment I can't imagine her cousin reacting calmly to this either what's the worst movie miss quote you've ever been bothered by keep on flop Uh, she's a tough question. I'm not sure that I actually have a good answer, but I like the... Oh, I think that's, I think that's an adorable story, and I love it. And as the father of a child who also loves the car's films, and is always talking about

lightning, the queen, as he calls him, he's gone lightning, the queen, like the queen, but now he says lightning, the queen. My son, he speaks very well, but he still occasionally says things like ambiance instead of ambulance. But uh... Which in an emergency situation that can be terrifying. Call me an ambulance. What? An ambulance?

Oh, sir, we don't have those. It's not a word. We have a ride array of cars we could send. We have a Toyota a camera if to serve a first that. That's what I'm not the person knows enough that he's talking about a motor. And Emily, it sounds like ambulance.

So they're related instead of us. Instead of assuming that's what you mean, also, it's in the same family, but I've never heard of it. Maybe it's your being. Yeah. A caliper, it sounds like caliper, but I'll assume this is some new type of bug that's just been discovered by you.

Congratulations little child. We call them sammies now. Yeah. So there was a, I used to work at Suncoast Motion Picture Company in the Short Hills Mall. This is a video tape sales store. We did not rent them. We only sold them.

And we had this big book where you could look up movies to see. There were all the movies I think that the store carried. And there were little description, capsule descriptions written of each. So someone asked you about them. You'd know something about them. And in the description for Chinatown, a great movie, which has, of course, the incredibly memorable final line, forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown. The opening of the capsule description says, it's just Chinatown, Jake. With these words, Roman Plans case, and it was like, wait, what?

That's not the end quotes, and I was just like, it made me so mad. I was like mad like look you're supposed to be the authority on this Then I just love the movie just ends with somebody shrugging their shoulders. It's just kind of sound Jake It's so much less effectually. Yeah, what do you gotta do? It's just time to town truly the difference between the lightning and the lightning bug Yeah, it's a great man one said That's right me right now. Oh wow Wow Yeah, that's a great man one said. That way man me right now. Oh, wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.

You're Marchwayne. Wow. This next letter is from Gary last name withheld. Unmarried. Warsen. Who writes? Gary Larson, really? Yeah.

Ashing Dan, Steely Stu, an effervescent Elliott. Oh, Stanley wrote this. Do you think they'll make a shitty movie about Tetris someday? We'll be an animated film brought to you by the dinks that made minions. Well, Alex Baldwin voiced the garbage square block. Well, Adam Baldwin voiced the garbage L-shaped block. Or will be Hogwarts live-action film about some generic ass dude played by Daxchepard or Josh Gad helping the fucking shitty ass T-Shaped block.

Probably voiced by Nick Kruel. Get back together with his girlfriend. The fucking Z-Shaped block. There's probably voiced by Tina Fey or some shit. Hagrid is probably gonna fucking show up to say, you're a wizard T-Shaped block. You'll probably say like an asshole. Gary Larson is very mad about this. Keep it floppy Gary Larson with hell. Here's I'm gonna tell you what the movie's gonna be. One, it could be just like the emoji movie. We all have our shapes, and we fit together. But my son is a new type of shit that doesn't fit.

Here's what's gonna be. It's gonna be just like... And it's gonna signal the release of Tetris to the game where they have a new shape. Yeah, exactly. Like when Super Mario Bros. 3 was tied in with the wizard starring Fred Savage. What was that movie?

What's it called? Chompers or arcade, the one with Adam Sandler? Pixels. That's what it's going to be. Aliens are crushing American cities with enormous blocks and one guy has to use his video game skills. They can't stop the blocks, but he can maneuver them in mid-air as they're falling to miss the buildings.

It's not going to be like doing the rock Johnson has to jump into blocks, knocking them into shape. Oh, maybe. Yeah, it could be that. That or like into shape. Oh, maybe. Yeah. It could be that. That's the other way to go too. Yeah.

All right. So I guess Gary, you share screenwriting credit with us. Well, story by. We're this. We'll leave it up to the guild to arbitrate that. Never give away screenwriting credit. No, you're right. What are you doing?

We didn't have a paper trail. Delete that email. Delete this recording. Already done. Ah. As soon as these emails get red, they get thrown into the trash with extreme pressures. Well, you're really making friends with the fans. And by that, it means Dan puts on sunglasses. It's like you're terminating. It's the key on his Schwarzenegger soundboard. I feel like so after the show last night, after this live shows, we always hang out with the fans. And I feel like Dan used up his social ability last night and now he's just like, I hate

the fans. I don't like their names. I don't like their letters. Well, we'll see with this, the end of this next, we'll see with the end of this next letter, we'll tell you what. Oh wow, so much anticipation. Oh, not really, not really. I was just trying to find a segue.

Look, maybe a segue that has a little fewer stakes. What would be that? This one's from Spencer West. You just look underneath Paul Blart, dude. You'll find one. A stake? No, a segue. I'm sure if you looked under Paul Blart, you'll find a stake. No, a sec. I'm sure if you looked under Paul Blart,

you'd find a stake too. I mean, yes, that is a bad joke and I apologize. Spencer Lass. I'm making fun of the character, not the performer. Spencer last name with help. Yes. Right. Spencer S gifts.

The S dance for Spencer. Hey, Flappa Doodles. First time listening,, long time writer. I currently find myself with seven weeks left in my undergraduate career and facing- Congratulations. I had a time. And facing all the anxiety that comes with-

Because I'm kicked out of school. Preparing to enter the real world. I wonder whether I've made the right choice in my overly vague public relations degree. I've also wondered about the career choices of some filmmakers. Now that's a segway that. For example, if Zack Snyder was a full-time director of photography who frequently partnered with a director who understood good storytelling, I believe his work as a DP would be generally

more well regarded than his work as a director. What other filmmakers do you think would flourish more in other areas of the filmmaking process than the ones that are best known for? Or ones that have tried their hands in other areas and have failed. Yours forever and Warmy Boners, Spencer last name withheld. Yes, I hear the way to get a letter on the show is to butter up Dan. Fuck that noise. Stuballs, you're my boy. Wow, and I am a non-entity.

I am Stubles. That's the movie about an alien robot lands Earth that a kid finds it and nicknames him Stubles and the alien robot doesn't like it. And then the kid gets kidnapped by the government or something because they're trying to get the robot. The robot to save the kid burst through the wall and goes, I am, it goes, they go, it's Project XQ47. I am not Project XQ 47. I am not project XQ 47. I am stew balls. And then I throw the, the evil executive off the building and

the good executives like, Hey, what's your name, son? I go, stew balls. Yeah. Nice to see you son. What's your name? Stubles. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. And as the evil executive falls to his death, his arms get really long for some reason. Because they cut out the scene where he gets Mr. Radastic powers. Yeah, that's right. He's trying to spread his arms back up to the window to catch it. Yeah, they're like, uh, we're hoping this one scene where he gets superpowers.

It doesn't really seem to fit with the rest of the movie. The other way, the movie is brilliant. It's such a tightly constructed piece of work. Uh, but it's a scene that's the end of all in fuck. We've already done the om-linked thing special effects. No one will notice fast forward to Dan, 30 years later. What? Dear Paul. Can I call you Paul?

Sorry, that was presumptuous of me. Mr. Verhoeven, what's the deal with this one scene? And he gets the letter while he's making a documentary about Jesus or something and he opens And he goes all my mistakes have come back to haunt me the sins of the past I repay him on the father He has on the side and then he puts sunglasses on and throws it in the fire I don't know I did that since I pretty much sound like him anyway. So, Claire about what this letter says.

Is he asking what filmmakers would do better in different roles? I think it, since I'm kind of vague on exactly every element of input that a director has. I would probably, can I clarify this question to more of a, what director has, what are some good things about directors that I don't like? That's a way to put a positive spin on it. Yeah, because I was going to go the way he asked. And that would have been negative. Yeah, I mean, I feel like, I don't know, there's, I feel like there's certain things that Wes Anderson does really well. He obviously puts a lot of care into his movies. There's a lot of, they're designed very well,

but I find his stories usually very emotionally distant and not something that I can connect with. So maybe, maybe that sort of thing. I mean, I think that's more sense of him having a taste that's not your taste, but I think he does fall on the same tropes a lot, which is frustrating. I like his movies a lot, but I did not see Island of Dogs partly because of the trailer. There's that scene where the girl character goes, I think I have a crush on him. It's like, no, I'm tired of that.

I've seen that same relationship in your movies multiple times now and like in Moonrise Kingdom I loved it, but I can't see it over and over again in every movie. Yeah, I've often thought that a setting aside a couple movies like Edward Which is fantastic Tim Burton would have been better off as like an art director necessarily than as a director because he doesn't his movies the other not super strong on story They almost always look amazing. And like, it's, it feels like he has such a, he has such a personal style, but movies are not even necessarily like the right form for it in a way, because they're so story-based. Yeah, yeah.

On a similar note, I think that probably Barry Sonnetfeld should have stayed. This is a cinematographer rather than becoming a director. You say that in the face of the two Adams family movies? Movies I enjoy. Yeah. Movies I enjoy. I also think this is going to sound weird that I think no bomb back should not write his movies.

I think he gets really good performances out of actors. He does a serviceable job of shooting things. Everything looks fine, but I watched, like watching, like, Myrowit stories and watching a bunch of his other ones recently. And I was like, oh, like, these are not, like, these are movies kind of in search of a plot in a lot of ways. And the character development, even for a guy who has strong characters in his movies,

it's like so much rests on the performances, like the Squid and the Whale, I'm not a huge fan of. And I feel like without those performances, that movie doesn't work, you know? So it's like maybe you should just direct someone else's scripts, maybe like a Marvel movie. No bomb back. Movie's known for having amazing scripts.

And he, but the thing is he writes good dialogue. So, is what you do. You take someone else's screenplay, you punch up the dialogue, which a lot of directors do anyway. And then you just direct it that way. How about that Noah? Let me know that movie Noah was a big real departure for him. I know. Because he didn't make it. Yeah, the biggest departure that one can have is not doing it. Yeah. I'm doing the thing. Um, yeah. So some letters That we we we answered. Okay, Dan put on your sunglasses and throw them in the fire. You're too many. It is Awesome

Now what do we do on this podcast our last segment on the podcast is always to recommend something that we like That maybe you should watch before watching the movie that we have cursed ourselves to have to watch due to the format of our show So I'm gonna jump in here to make sure Dan doesn't steal this recommendation I haven't seen a ton of movies lately, but I went and saw Han Solo the movie recently now the title Han Solo the movie a movie about Star Wars the movie, a movie about Star Wars, the subtitle. A movie about Star Wars? Yeah, I mean, technically. It's about a Star Wars. Yeah. Somebody check the rule book. Oh, wow. The great data slogan. So yeah, I mean, it's like I love Star Wars. I love, you know, even the bad ones. I'm going to be at least somewhat affectionate toward.

But I thought this managed to be a fun, little heist movie. The performances are pretty great. The, there's some set pieces that are real standouts. There's at least one set piece on a train that, for me, is an all-time great Star Wars set piece. And it's fun to see actors like Woody Harrelson just kind of slip right into the Star Wars universe. And at the same time, the movie kind of has its own, like it's clearly set in Star Wars, but it also uses its own film

language. It feels different than the rest. So yeah, if you are putting off seeing it because maybe you had heard bad things about the production, I would say give it a shot. You'll be pleasantly surprised. I would like to recommend a movie that I was certain I had recommended or someone had recommended before. I went on a flop house recommends, stop making sense. It claims that it has never been. That's so weak. It claims that it has never been recommended.

It seems like it would have been recommended when we talked about one of the previous 50 shades movie, but I'm gonna go for Secretary. It's a Tari-Din. Oh. I don't recommend Secretary. Yeah, I don't really. Yeah, I don't really know. It's not.

You know, it wasn't like a new movie. No, I know, but. It's not so old that it's like a rediscovery. Sure. Now it's the time for America to read to fall back in love again with Secretary. But if you're going to watch a movie about a dominant submissive relationship, why not watch one that's good, and that's called Secretary. I mean, Secretary has the exact same character arc as all 350 shades movies, but in one movie.

Yeah. Well, I mean, but also, I feel like Secretary doesn't like vilify the sex necessarily, but it does It does show how the male is like doing things wrong and corrects that I mean he's he's doing things wrong and corrects himself. Yeah, he corrects his his controlling behavior But it's also genuinely sexy in a way that not a fifty shades movies are uh... and so and scat great performances by magic in all james spider is major in all's breakout role yeah

so one of the james spaders break out all uh... watch secretary you hot young uh... uh... i'm gonna recommend a very different movie it's an old movie. Hey guys, I'm gonna recommend a movie called Come and Get It, which is the... There's spelled C-U-M. No.

Gross. Anyway, it's an all-star movie all around. It was directed by, it was credited to being directed by Howard Hawks and William Wiler, which is crazy, and it was shot by Greg Toland, and this is that a period where it's kind of a minor movie for all those guys, and it's before Greg Toland really And this is that a period where it's kind of a minor movie for all those guys. And it's before Greg Toland really like got into his,

the style we think of him with, like, says, in Cain and London. I was thinking Greg Olman, that would have been crazy. Yeah, Greg Olman, which is stars Edward Arnold and Joel McCrea or Joel McCray, Hoverton Browns, and Francis Farmer and Walter Brennan and Walter Brennan won Best Supporting Actor for it.

And it's the story of a lumber baron. He's a former lumberjack, Edward the story of a lumber baron. He's a former lumberjack at Rd Arnold who becomes a lumber baron. And instead of marrying the woman that he loves who is a dance hall singer, he marries a rich girl so that he can join her father's business and regrets it for the rest of his life and finds himself eventually at a point

where he has a crush on that woman's daughter at the same time that she's falling for his son. So it's an old-fashioned family love triangle saga, but everyone's really good in it. The one problem is that Edward Arnold plays himself as both a young man and like a middle-aged man, and it's like, he never looks like a young man. It's like Bob Odenkirk on Better Call Saul. Kind of, yeah, except not as believable. But it's just a really good,

like historical drama of people out in the, people on the frontier and then dealing with the, like being successful out in the wild and then dealing with that success later as a man who's supposed to be respectable, but now wants to have the things that he's denied himself in the past and I just really liked a lot It's called come and get it and the title comes from the idea of Calling lumberjacks into lunch or dinner you would ring a balance like come and get it and it's kind of like

when it the That takes on a larger meaning, but it's all it's a kind of a silly title for a movie that's not a silly movie Yeah, although you do have Walter Brennan doing a kind of a silly title for a movie that's not a silly movie. Yeah, I know you do have Walter Brennan doing this kind of Sweet accent that used to see in movies all the time in the 30s There was always like a lovable goofy Swedish guy who'd be like oh well by human ee Oh, and that's something that has completely evaporated from movie screens It's very funny. Well, sweet people have assimilated into the culture. I know, but it's like I mean But yeah, if you watch one of those movies now, it just disappears

They're just like hey guys, but it's just like a it's a funny this it's funny when like there's an ethnic stereotype that just Doesn't you don't see it anymore? You know, but at the time it was like oh, yeah, the famous goofy sweet. Yeah All right guys, well, we should sign off so Stewart's wife can stop Tip toying around her own hotel room. Yeah, we should sign off so Stewart's wife can stop tiptoeing around her own hotel room while we're talking like idiots. Speak for yourself. Brandishing a rolling pin menacingly. So, she ever take those curlers out of her hair? No, I mean, that was the secret to getting curly hair is where curlers for 40 years.

And they're curly for a day. Yeah, all right. And the secret to curly's gold is, I guess it's a map written on the back of a thing. Never found out, it was too sad. Yeah. Only legends remain. And I don't apologize ahead of time for the retrograde jokes about the angry wife that we were just making.

Guys, there's a thin line between ironic stuff like that and real stuff like that. A thin line between love and hate. Yeah, we were, there's some imagining that we're referencing the lock horns. Oh, yeah, or I mean any cap. Or any cap. It is really more any cap. The lock horns would be more of like,

she can't drive and he's always ogling Geo Mateo. All right, well, now that Geo Mateo has swept the nation once again. Oh, no, wait, here's what I want to see Hollywood. And then we'll go. I want to see a lock horns movie. All right, well now that Geo Mateo has swept the nation once again. Oh no wait Here's what I want to see Hollywood and then we'll go. I want to see a lock horns movie and at the very end We learned that the lock horns change their names at some point and the original names were Christian and Anna Gray. Uh-oh Just like split spoiler alert was it was an unbreakable single? It turns out that It turns that 50 shades freed is a prequel to the lock horns movie. Oh, man. Here we go again

Time makes lock horns of us all. Yep. All right. Well for the flop house. I've been damn the glory. Hey, I'm Stuart Wellington and I'm Ellie K. And I never won I guess we do the intro and then we do the thing. Oh, is that how we do this? Really? Okay. You want. You're the one who usually forgets. You're the one who forgets.

You're the one who forgets. You're the one who forgets. You're the one who forgets. You're the one who forgets. You're the one who usually forgets. You're the one who usually forgets. You're the one who usually forgets. You're the one who usually forgets.

You're the one who usually forgets. You're the one who usually forgets. You're the one who usually forgets. You're the one who usually forgets. You're the one who usually forgets. You're the one who usually forgets. You're the one who usually forgets. You're the one who usually forgets. You're the one who usually forgets. You're the one who usually forgets. You're the one who usually forgets. You're the one who usually forgets. You're the one who usually forgets. You're the one who usually forgets. You're the one who usually forgets. You're the one who usually forgets. You're the one who usually forgets. You're the one who usually forgets. You're the one who usually forgets. You're the one who usually forgets. You're the one who usually forgets. You're the one who usually forget. You're the one who usually forgets. You're the one who usually forgets. You're the one who usually forgets. You're the one who usually forgets. You're the one who usually forgets. You're the one He's gonna have to do some classic fans of battery. I love those. Oh, this is the point where a stewarder LA would make fun of me. Maximumfund.org Comedy and culture. Artistone. Listener supported.

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