The Flop House - Ep. #263 - Samson

Episode Date: August 4, 2018

Jordan Morris joins the peaches to talk about the biblical story that somehow Dan always wants to spell "Sampson," Samson. Meanwhile Dan advocates for all-hours masturbation, Elliott rewrites the hit film "Book Club," Stuart gets all hyped up for the appearance of an old god, and Jordan talks about a tiny little MaxFun project that's had absolutely no promotion. Wikipedia synopsis for Samson Movies recommended in this episode Tragedy Girls Oculus The Painted Veil L7: Pretend We're Dead

On this episode we discuss Samson. This isn't your daddy's superhero. It's your great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great grandaddies. Hey everyone and welcome to the Flap House, I'm Dan McCoy. Oh I'm Stuart Wellington. I'm Elliot Kaelin picking up his cues and who's this joining us? Hey, it's me Jordan Morris, a guy who knows to speak when introduced. Yeah, Stuart got a text exactly when he was supposed to be talking. I'll clue you guys.

What's weird is the text was from me and it said Stuart now your turn Guys, Stubles has his fingers in a lot of pies What do you start calling yourself? Trying to not Jordan it's cool, right? I don't know man. I mean, I don't think I don't think this is the time to edit me I think we can talk about about this later. Just know you're, let me work out the kinks. Blue sky podcasting, no bad ideas. Call yourself balls. No bad nicknames. Yeah, so our, you know what,

hey, for this episode I'm Georgina. Okay, so our cool friend Georgina showed up. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Uh, you know, he showed up because he wanted to take us to fucking Bible school apparently right? As always when we have a guest on the show we gave them first choice of movies And to be fair he gave us a few movies and Dan's like no we could walk no I Don't know what possessed me to choose Samson

Yeah, very adamant about it. It was I was like all those seem fine to me you said we'll do samson I Mean someone's gonna make a fucking choice around here Elliott Wow Get any input from you guys. Ooh somebody's errand some dart a lounge ray Well anyway, should we explain one what this podcast is why we're talking about a movie Oh, and and two why Jordan's joining us other than that that he's just a great guy and we like having him around. Yeah, sure. Uh, this is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it.

That's the first part of that. Okay. And for the second part, maybe Jordan can enlighten us as to why he just happened to drop by like a neighbor in a sitcom. So I am here, uh, in addition to laughing with some of my favorite fellas. I'm here promoting a new podcast I'm doing on maximumfund.org called Bubble. It's a scripted sci-fi comedy thing that you may be sick of hearing about

if you listen to a lot of Max Fun shows. I've certainly heard no promotion for this on other Max Fun shows. I haven't been seeing any on the max fun Twitter feed or your Twitter feed or Jesse Thorn's Twitter feed or I think the official potus Twitter feed might have said something about bubble. Yeah, Clorox is tweeting about it for some reason. It's all the bubbles for tweeting about it. Yeah, yeah. Clorox is bleach, I think. Anyway, look, you can have a bleach bubble. Online, the only Clorox I know is Clorox leechman. So I thought it would be Clorox bleachman in the Mad magazine parody of, I

guess, her career, I guess. So yes, it was a big kind of, you know, it's a big swing artistic lead-a-do-escripted podcast generation defining hit the Hamilton of its time. Absolutely. Yes. Yeah. A lot of people say that Hamilton is the Hamilton of its time. I say no, because we're relatively the same time. I mean, geologically sure.

Of course, sure. Yes. Same epoch anyways. No, so it was a big... The epoch, of course. Sure. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Right around. Anyway, well, wow, Elliot's got his finger on the poles. So Jordan, sorry, could be good. So yeah, it was gonna swing around the polls. So Jordan, sorry. So yeah, it was kind of a big endeavor from X Fun. So I think they wanted to really get the word out. And I, you know, we it's out there. Yeah, it's a scripted comedy. It's kind of like a little season of TV for your ears.

A radio show. It was also known as the fun of time. Kids don't know what radio is, Ellie. I think you need to promote a new podcast. Unless you're like, I don't know, like trying to track down a wayward celebrity or, I don't know, doing a show about true murders. Like, you got to, you really got to put some effort into grab people's ears. Yeah.

How the hell did those get so popular so quickly? I don't understand how like, really popular podcasts get either one of those what like true crime podcasts Yeah, I fucking cream and jeans over that over that stuff man You solve mysteries was like the biggest show ever guys. We got one of us asked to murder what the other ones It's gonna happen the way we will simply be What we're gonna give one of those shows such good father When my grandmother was nearing the end of her life, there was one kind of TV show.

She said she liked watching that was quote murder shows. Is that it? People love murder. They just love it. Yeah, yeah. I mean, so Bubbles and Murder Show. Sure, if that'll get people to give it a shot.

It's a prime story about Richard Simmons. And the reporter that tries to solve his murder, but gets in a little bit too close. And it's like Lurse the line between, yeah, Mark Meredith involves also, Karen Kilgarif and the Rock, let's just say. Yeah, let's just say maybe Adam Ruins everything. Yeah, sure, I guess we could bring

it some Adam fans as well. And everyone eats a Snickers. I don't know. You guys like Snickers? Yeah, a lot of Tartinos stuff in there too. Things people like. If you're hungry, why wait? So bubble, it's available from Max Fun now. Yes, recommended. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, it's a little book of vampire slayer, a little portlandia. Yeah, it's a cool. I know you're about to say, a little porkeys, and I'm like, what's the awesome? There's a lot of, there's a lot of dicks

through holes and shower walls. They just look through those shower holes. Name another thing, not a no. One at the end of it, the dick goes through and the big, the female coach comes in and grabs it and gives it a like a hard yank. Oh like a real castle freak. Okay.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Is this the new ding dong rip gates of the clubhouse? I guess, you know what problem is I think I've only ever seen the TV edit of 4K's. Sure. What's, which is, it's just about like a roadhouse. Why would you watch the TV edit of 4K's. Why would you watch the TV edit in for keys?

Track down porkeys rather than just watching it when I'm literally on Comedy Central or something the only reason that porkeys Exists has been excised from that film Yeah, well, I'm I want you to say up all night Dan. Yeah, it's You're going to find his a comedy and Gilbert Godfried and you And Gilbert Godfrey sometime. So I'm really glad that Jordan's doing new show, both because it's great. And because it gives us an excuse to have George Ina on our show. So let's just fucking grip it and rip it, right boys?

I can't wait to get rid of that dick, I guess. So we watch a bad movie and we talk about it, right? And so this movie, as you already know, is Samson, the hit blockbuster, everyone, speaking of people being tired of the bubble advertising. Sure, yeah. I'm sure people are getting so frustrated with all the marketing for Samson.

Another Samson fan cast. Mm-hmm. Should we talk about that? I believe that I read that this was released opposite black Panther. Which was the most misguided counter programming ever in the world. Well, they figured they'd release a different superhero story about a reluctant leader of a people who is

I guess that's where the parallel really is. Sure. Also, uh, same thing gets this power from a magical purple fruit or flower. No, from his devotion to God, but very close. Okay. Dan, now, your family is steeped in theology. So, we may have to rely on you a little bit in telling us what stuff is from the Real Samson story. By the Real Samson story, I mean,

the made up Samson story in the Bible. And what stuff is created by the magic of Hollywood? Or when Samson, I mean Cape Town, South Africa, where this was made. I mean, this is an Old Testament tale. And one who was raised in the Christian faith, as I was, we pay attention to the Old Testament, but we're kind of like, that's not the good one.

Like, what's the good one? The New Testament. Okay. That makes sense. So I mean, I will say even growing up Jewish, Samson is not particularly talked about that much. And one of the things I like about the Samson story is that it is crazy and doesn't fit with anything else in

The in the Torah or Bible and there's a there's a great book called how to read the Bible It's all about at what you would call Danny old Testament I would just call the Bible because I don't sure believe in the New Testament and It's and he talks about the Samson story and he's like yeah This is pretty clearly like some kind of myth from another culture that somehow got like got yeah fell into the Bible. And the thinking is that this is basically the Hercules story and a different form. Yeah, but yeah, there's a part in Santerbury kills a lion and I'm like, isn't he gonna wear this thing at some point? And I'm like, oh yes, Hercules.

I never know. Isn't he gonna go from zero to hero? I'm sorry, that's Hercules. It's a lot of second. You're watching you're like, these are not legendary journeys. That's all the right. You least stuff I know guys.

I think that's all of it. Okay. So let's talk about what happens now. Okay. This movie starts out the way so many Flapphouse movie has, movies have with a voiceover explaining about a prophecy that the Israelites have been enslaved by the Philistines. There's a prophecy of a hero named Samson who will free them. Here's the thing.

It's the prophecy really that specific because what's stopping anyone from just naming their kids Samson? Like if it's that well-known or prophecy, then yes Dan. I feel like parents don't want to put that kind of pressure on their kids. Yeah, you know, it's like naming your kid Batman. Exactly. Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's like, like you would go to school and there's one kid who shows up and is named Batman. You're like, you can't just do that.

DC is going to sue you and by DC, I mean, it's my order. That seems weird. That's a good point. That seems to be. That seems oddly specific. Batman, like, well, I guess we have to be killed in front of him, honey. If he's ever going to fight a fat man who holds an umbrella, that we've got to do this.

Put all these pearls. If that will, if that'll get him into a good preschool, I guess we will. Oh, I see your son is Batman. Looking at his college application. Okay. Parents were dead. Practice to be a ninja fights crime. World's greatest detective. What about your other extra curriculars? Do you have a sport? Well, I'm at an Olympic level of fighting. Okay. Interesting. This young, how Jordan is really tearing up the debate club.

So, probably getting it. Because his magic ring helps him with that somehow. No, it just means debate skills. Oh, okay. Uh, so, guys, as it's, so, so what you're saying is, Samson's parents are the ones who were like, yeah, I'm pretty sure my son's the one the prophecy is talking about. We're in 1170 BC in Gaza and a priest of the Degon people. I don't know if the Philistines really worshiped Degon, but it makes me think

of like the HP Lovecraft Degon who might be some kind of fish god. He's like a fish god and he gives a gold if you worship him and shit. I researched the story of Samson a little bit just to compare how it looked to the movie. And yes, the Philistines did a worship of God called Day Gone. Cool. Not as far as I know the Harold of Cthulhu, yeah. He didn't give everyone in the Philistine if the Philistine people the Innsmouth look. Yeah, there was very few tentacles in this movie Although those fake beards could have been hiding them oh boy we'll get to those now again This is the past so everyone has an English accent and this god's kind of

Like to have an English accent in this is so audacious, but to do these awful ones just talk normal You're already fucking it up. No, no, no, because in the past everyone was English. Oh, that's right. Yes. And there, but a weird high school play kind of. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, they all speak English. And when they, you know, they kind of thing.

And when they hang out at a feast. And when they, when they hang out at a feast, they're all listening to green sleeves the whole time. Oh, constant. Yeah, that's all there is. Yeah, lots of like flowers. That was the big hit in Gaza. There was a time when that was a new song.

It was a big hit. Yeah. Like when green sleeves people were like, hey, hey, William, it's your cousin. Your cousin Barry Shakespeare. You know the new sound. You even look at more. Listen to this. There was some. And he holds up, I guess like like, what, a horn of some kind to the musicians

playing green sleeves. That's right. There's a shell. Yeah, there's a slender. There's, like, a string attached to it going to do another seashell. On the other side of the room, Liam Shakespeare's like, yeah, I can hear you all over here. Yeah, it's some kind of, like, tarot act all that they squeeze. Who says it's a living? Yeah, it's some kind of like tarot act all that they squeeze. Or who says it's a living.

Yeah, it's a living, of course. And then it kills him, which is not, it's not a living. So anyway, this priest of daygons really bad mouthing the Hebrews. His sermon seems to be, he, daygon rules Hebrews rules. And this is the point where I had to put the captions on because I'm like, is this motherfucker saying,

daygon? Yeah. Meanwhile, it promises a much cooler movie, doesn't it? where I had to put the captions on because I'm like, is this motherfucker saying, they gone? Yeah, meanwhile. It promises a much cooler movie, doesn't it? Yeah. Since it sounds like a monster. Yeah. Yeah, and like, I mean, you know, I think what this movie is doing is it is saying to a Christian audience,

hey, we know superhero movies are in, but we've got the original superhero. And by we, we mean Jews. Yes, Jews. Because Jesus, not much of a superhero, not a knock on Jesus. No, sure. But not a fighter. He didn't, yeah, he didn't one shot, dudes.

I mean, I would say, actually, you know what? I would say, he isn't clicking heads. I would say, it's a clicking heads. Very lightly tapping them together. He is on parallel when it comes to turning over money changers' tables. So fair, a good point. I would say that superheroes are not really

known for dying at the end of their stories, but Zack Snyder proved me wrong. Sure, yeah. He did a great job of that. But it seems like you're going to do that. If you're going to do, this is the Christian superhero movie you've all been asking for CGI, Dagon at the end. Now because here's the thing. CGI Dagon.

The main of the movie is that the Jewish God and therefore by virtue of that, the Christian God and it goes unsaid, but the Muslim God too. That that is the real God. And there's this point we'll get to later where Dagon is explicitly called out where King Billy Zane is, because Billy Zane's in this. King Billy Zane is like, Dagon's not real, there's this point we'll get to later where day gone is explicitly called out where king billy zane is like because billy zane is like day guns not real there's no gods i'm the king and i just made it all up into tool and so the purpose of the movies to say this god is real day gone was false but you really want to see day gone come as like a big tentacle monster that samson has to fight but that would defeat the purpose of the movie because the minute you see, you know, Schumagore-ath or Degon come in Like if his tentacles wrapped around Samson, you're like, oh, I guess he's a real thing. I was real all along, but they're fuckers

I also love that like in 2018 like the the bravery of the message of the movie being like, degon's not real guys Here's my hot take on day gone. There's all these day gone people out there in the world. And they don't even bring up the fact that day gone is an anagram for Gonead, which would only hurt him more in my mind, because if you're an all powerful god, why did you pick that silly name?

So anyway, well, this priest is just bad mouthing the Hebrews. I know how bitching day gone is. Two brothers are gonna steal some bitching day gone is. Two brothers are going to steal some corn from day gone's temple because the day of nights, the Philistines, have been stealing all the Hebrews crops. These brothers who, well, the whole time they're trading riddles about crops like a couple of Algonquin roundtable oceans, levens, it's Samson and Caleb, his brother. Samson, already famous, already well known as a strong Hebrew. Caleb, he's just kind of the sidekick.

He's like, he's like the Steve Zahn of the movie. Yeah, he has a Zahn-esque quality to him. Yeah. Does he has long blonde hair? Yeah, he's got a kind of a duty charm as well. I mean, I mean, not that I know this movie has charm. I like to point out that corn was domesticated first in Mexico. Uh huh. I'm looking it up right now about. And then they should, I mean, the fact that it was unknown.

About 10,000 years ago. It was unknown in the old world until people came over from the West and that it's wheat that they probably would have been. Actually, you know what? Maybe they did have corn. I don't know. Now that I think about it. Because when corn was like, corn was one of these words that was used

to just refer to various types of grains. Okay, just one joke. And they haven't put out a record of years. Doesn't need to see corn in the dream. Or my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my my interpretation thing. This is bad theology is what this is. I see. So much the same way that when Joseph had his dream in the new 52 they write content. There's in the long list of things that are kosher and that are not kosher. There's one kind of animal that is not kosher. And when they were translating it into English, they're like, we don't know what this thing is, it's just called a rabbit. We'll just say rabbits.

I wish I remembered the name of that animal. Anyway, we've gotten a minute into this movie. So, Samson and Caleb, they're stealing this corn that may not be historically accurate. Otherwise, the movie is very historically accurate all the time. I mean, it's about a super strong hero, so we know it's accurate.

But Samson and Caleb, they lead the Philistines on a Mary chase through a kind of millions of ancient village set. They don't look like brothers, right? They're not supposed to look like their twin brothers. They look, I mean, they're not twins, but they look neither. I mean, they're, they're, they're, they look more like twins than Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger. In the movie of the same name, Elliot, you use that argument too often, I think it's unfair. It's okay.

Not only do they not look like brothers in that one of them is blonde, fair skinned and very wispy. And the other one is looks essentially Samoan. Sure. But they don't even look, neither of them looks Jewish. And I don't even think like, yeah. They look like guys who went to the same wig shop That's that's what they look like, but they didn't even get the same color wig

Yeah, no, it bothered me so much that the carrot no one in this movie looks particularly Semitic and they don't have to look like Woody Allen like they don't need to be like Mike I know Jewish, but they don't even I think that would be hilarious Everybody's got a corduroy blazer with patches on the elbows. Let's let imagine I mean they don't have to be college professors. But imagine how much more of a miracle it is if Samson is super strong, but he's like a little nerdy guy. Like that's a miracle.

A huge guy with muscles beating up a bunch of what a miracle I've seen. I just I hope that my God given strength. I don't know how many more people I can massacre with this jawbone That's my character what he's Samson anyway. Yeah, it's a it's a problematic impression to do these days I'm just saying they could have gotten guys who looked more like they were it feels like oh man You're already gonna you're gonna steal the Samson stories from us and then you're gonna cast this other guy and do it this way. Anyway, that's the size point.

There, they go to this village, they're running around. Samson is a real flirty charismatic rogue. He's quick with a joke, quick with a punch. And he's like, his face is like all eyebrows, like brow ridge and dimples. Like he's always smiling this weird smile. No, he looks like a caveman. Like, that's not a-

That's words here. I was trying to be nice. I was saying that his faces- I was saying that his faces- Looks like it was carved out of granite, which can be taken either way. But Dan- It's almost like-

You were accusing him of looking like a throwback primitive human. I would say he looks like a caveman if you consider his dimples to be two beautiful caves. All right. If he looks like a throwback primitive human. I would say he looks like a caveman if you consider his dimples to be two beautiful caves. All right. If he looked like a caveman, that would be better. Because you know what, where people, a lot of people lived back then in caves. Because this was ancient times.

He, and to really show you that he's not just, you know, he's not just punches, but he's also a charmer. Every time they cut to him, he's in the middle of laughing at something that you didn't hear. And like, it's like someone he had never laughed before, but someone played him a tape of someone laughing. He's like, I got this.

I know what this is. You want to practice it once or twice? No, I got it. And like, once in a while, you'll hear the end of what the brother was saying. Like, there's one where the brother is like, you know, you wish that was true brother. Oh, it's like, you like, what were they talking about? He's also, he's got an eye for the ladies. And you know this because every time anything that could be a woman is on screen, he just looks at it.

There's a scene later on where he's watching two women get water from a well, like leering at them. And they are so totally covered up. Yes, you might as well think that two piles of laundry were getting water from a well, like leering at them, and they are so totally covered up. Yes, you might as well think that two piles of laundry were getting water from a well. They're just so covered in rags and veils, and he's looking at them like nice. All right. Yeah, it really like, because-

I was erotic back then. Yeah, and his love of watering holes gets him in trouble later, but I think we'll get to that. Probably, yes, that's true. So deep sea is so. So he's run, the guards catch on to their corn stealing scheme. Yeah. And they have they have. He has to like Jackie Chan is way through the town.

Right. Yeah. I mean, it's like the beginning of Aladdin, like basically, I wish it was like the beginning of Aladdin singing a song about how he has to steal stuff. And with a bullet like a tenth is charismatic as before. and with a bullet like a 10th is charismatic is your far. With the song be like my name's Samson strong as an ox. Damn, we have corn. I'll break those locks for that delicious corn. I said the locks should have been a hair pun.

So they lower themselves into the temple's corn vault, I guess, because I guess it's a subterranean temple, and I think that's where a corn hole comes from. The hole they made to get some corn. So okay, the Philistines are terrorizing the Hebrews. An evil prince named Rala, he kills an old man for asking for mercy, and his soldiers that get pretty funny, but the Hebrews are justifiably discussed in by this uh and Samson's parents are like Samson the prophecy says you need to lead the tribe of Dan to vengeance and now. Yeah, tribe of Dan. Two things. One, the parents are literally say vengeance like this is their holy mission is vengeance. Two, Dan was it weird

that this is the tribe of Dan? Did you think maybe you should be leading it? I mean, I should this movie be called Danson instead. And is that said, Danson? I'm so ill equipped to lead anything. Like I can't decide what to do on the weekend. Like put me in charge of a bunch of people. I don't know. What do you want to do? Yeah.

So busy working for you. You can't come up with plans. Where do you want to eat? So you're saying the tribe of Dan, if it was more accurate, they would do a lot of like sitting around, sighing in their pajamas, just letting a cat walk all over on that kind of stuff. I mean, letting a cat walk over you.

It's a privilege for a cat to walk all over you, Alia. What are we doing this weekend tribe? I don't know, I guess we should just watch stop making sense again. That's really is the tribe of Dan. Guys, when I got the Dan's apartment, the TV screen had strange days paused. Wow. I mean, that's not so bad. I just...

No, but I feel like it's a very dead, you know, it's a Dan moment. Here's my image of Dan based on nothing. Here's the tribe of Dan. What are we going to do today? Should we go outside at all? No, I'll just let's just watch some of the porn we T-vote. It's 3 p.m. Yeah, whatever That's my image is that accurate at all Dan like afternoon T-vote Why you have to shame someone for watching porn in the afternoon. Yeah, I mean, it's an everyday food It's where the phrase afternoon delight comes from. It really is. Yes. I think that's what the song is about.

Like you said aside, the specific type of night for your porn viewing, Elliot, are you like, like, porn doing making porn or watching porn viewing? Oh, viewing. Are you like, is it like alcohol? We're like, can't have it before five. Uh-huh. Yeah, because he's a fucking gremlin. Are you like, is it like alcohol? We are like, can't have it before five. Uh huh. Yeah, cause he's a fucking Gremlin.

Yeah, if I watch porn before midnight then I turn into a Gremlin. If I watch it after midnight, I turn into a different kind of Gremlin. And a guilty feeling one. One who feels shame. Anyway, so, Samson's parents want Samson to lead the tribe

of Dan advantage. Samson's? Yeah, let's pump the brakes there. Samson Samson. Have we yeah, let's pump the brakes there. Samson, Samson. Have we done anything other than pump the brakes? I feel like Samson's parents. I think we're ignoring the fact that, you know, it's really great when you watch a movie in 2018 and one of your hero actors who had an amazing role early on in their career,

like a career-defining role and then has since been doing nothing but like Schlocky sci-fi movies. Guys, I'm talking about Billy Zane in this movie. We're not even up to Billy Zane yet. Were you talking about Rutger Howard? Was that the fake out you were going for? That was the fake out I was going for. Yeah, I was talking about Rutger Howard.

But no, I gotta say Billy Zane's incredible in this movie. He's like, he's like, I'm not running out of your hour. But no, I gotta say Billy Zayn's incredible in this movie. He's like, he's like, you know what? What if older Orson Wells wasn't quite as fat? Yeah, still looked out of shape, but. What are you talking about? He looks great. And he lost his enthusiasm for life. Yeah, and he's crowned from a part of a city.

Yeah, Burger king kids club crown that that that that was that record how are as as the dead yeah i did not even recognize it oh boy that was the one good beard in the home of the new and i'll it also doesn't help that i was watching this on a laptop was doing the dishes so maybe i just wasn't looking at it that the beer to fucking awful that that okay samson he doesn't want to listen to Rucker Howard. He doesn't want to be a hero.

And he, look, he's already followed God's three vows that he wants to take. He's never touched a dead person. He's never drank wine and he never cuts his hair. What more does God want from him? And it's like, God. He really says, I've never touched a dead person. Like, that's something we all want to do.

But he's like, I'm a great guy. And it's, I also love that God is setting out these like, Grimland's like rules. Yeah, do you think, I feel like they missed a beat, like they missed an opportunity when they made the poster for this movie. They should have had like, it should have said, the three rules and then had the first two

with like a red line through them and then the last one says, last one never had to care. Yeah, I mean, Dan, there are, there are, I mean, if, here's a, here's a little primer on Judaism, Judaism 101, Judaism's all about rules. The more arbitrary, the better. Never, Dan, never, never cook a, uh, lamin' it's mother's milk. You know why?

Who knows? Doesn't matter. Uh, hey, you know what? I was watching a, I was watching a thing on the news about a kosher, a guy who makes kosher friendly, like lettuce, and he has like a kosher friendly. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. There's no, there's no, as far as I know,

there's no kosher unfriendly lettuce. Let us know. Not an animal has no blood. It, but it breaks kosher to accidentally eat an insect to protect. Oh, that's true. That's for a true. So in the olden times that they have like clean rooms or was it just like inspect each piece of lettuce. I think I think in the olden days, they just kind of understood that, hey, what are you going to do? Like they were so busy trying to survive that it's

like, you know, and also every, I love that that was like a rationale that the rabbis would make to God. Like, Hey, what are you going to do? I mean, there's no more Jewish rationale than what are you going to do? But I mean, also every, every law can be broken if it means saving a human life. So if you're like, I'm starving to death, I'm going to eat this lettuce, even if it has little bugs on it. God is like, that's cool. I understand. But if you're like I'm starving to death I'm going to eat this lettuce even if it has little bugs on it. God is like that's cool. I understand. But if you're living high on the hog, which you shouldn't be either because pigs are not kosher, but let's say you're living high on a kosher animal like a cow. God's and if you're like I'm not going to watch this lettuce God would be like whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa hold on buddy. That rules in place for a reason. That reason I don don't know. Even I don't know, and I'm

God. But it's there, so don't do it. An evil general might burn out your eyes. I don't know. Well, who knows? So, uh, but Samson's, it seems very clear. Samson never seems to get the message that what God wants you to do is free your people, that these other rules are kind of like sub clauses in the main thing. So he's like, I did everything. did everything he's like the uh that student who does the assignment to the letter um it doesn't go beyond in the spirit of the assignment you know what I mean I do sure so does it he at this point he wanders off and gets it a wrestling match with a lion right no that's much later so now we meet King Billy Zane for the first time we're in his Burger King kids to love crown he wants to crush the Hebrews and he tells Prince Rala, you got to stop Samson because Samson, he has this elaborate thing where he's like, he's like, Samson represents freedom

and freedom represents hope and hope leads to rebellion and rebellion. Like he has this elaborate flow chart that he's going to show his Princely son, his Prince and his son, the Prince Rala, seems to be doing like, I'm not very good Johnny Depp impression through the whole movie, like an English Johnny Depp. And I kept waiting for the moment when he would break into other Johnny Depp characters like he'd show up with his or hands or something. But yeah, I mean, he's got he's got a pretty six mochi eye, though, you know what I I mean? Oh very much. Yeah, and a great like 90s pop punk goatee. Oh He's got a real like a real love and goatee. Yeah, he's a real cherry bobbin Danny He's a guy who at a different time

You just you take off the Prince costume and put on like a flammel shirt And he's just a guy going to buy his Stone Temple Pilots album. That's all he's doing. Okay, so Samson now he takes the challenge, so the prince to lure Samson out, because even though he's famous, they still need to identify him. Samson takes the challenge of an Egyptian fighter named Balkam mainly because he thinks the promoter's daughter, Taryn, is very pretty which objectively she is movie I can't call you math on this one. She's a very pretty actress who is very beautiful and

Samson he's so distracted. Glad you're glad you're going to the wall for that one. Hey look I'll go out on the limb and say this woman who's has a starring role in a movie is a tractor. Oh wow So Samson he's distracted so he takes a couple of punches and ballcom. But then he wins by picking up a huge boulder and almost crushing him to death with it. A boulder that is at once worse than the crown and the beers. It is a like star track original series caliber foam boulder. It looks so not threatening and everyone's like, stop, Samson. It's like that thing it weighs one pound.

I think they were more worried that the chemicals used in the manufacturing of the styrofoam of the boulder would give cancer to the Egyptian guy if he swallowed any of it. It's a long term. Yeah, they're like, that little flakes could come off and then they'll get everywhere and they're possible to clean.

Because the sad clean makes it stick to your hand. I also love that Samsung is like down on the ground and he's like, hands are vibrating on the ground as if he's like, you know, drawing power from the earth like he's Superman or something like. Yeah. I mean, I know that Superman draws power from the sun. But the same thing.

Well, no, but there is the guy, what's the name of the guy? Stuart, that Curkley's fights. Oh, he does. Oh, I can't, yeah, I can't remember the one that he has to put them in like a fucking torture rack to kill him. Oh, I just, I was the story I heard. story I heard him up in the air and played him back He just holds him up in the air until he whithers to death because he has to be in kind of his names like geostorm or something

I don't remember. Yeah, cuz he has to be touching his mother guy or something But you're right, so Samson says a prayer to God and then the ground shakes under him And it does look like he's absorbing power from the earth which would be from Gaia the earth mother Which is not part of the Yeah, that's that's some Oh yes, and they do not know in Judaism it is a male God who hates everybody As a little is just funny though because it was like Samson was constantly having to remind God that he's like the chosen guy He's like oh, I got beat up the guy hold on

What if they said they said there's a beat up. He's a chosen guy. Hold on. I'm like, what if they said, they said, there is a prophecy that they will come a chosen guy? Soon your people will be freed by some dude. He will be a pretty chill bro. And who are you? You say you are, Chum of the Jews? That's what Pontius Pilate says to Jesus in Jesus Christ, super guy.

Some guy the Jews would to college with? Well, well, well, if this isn't the brohim of the Hebrews, you seem like a nice dude. So anyway, but Dan, you're right. Yeah, so this is Samson's life. It is But Dan, you're right. So this is Samson's life. It is getting trouble, afraid of God for help, and then punches away at a trouble. And it's just that over and over again. Not since Mad Men have I seen characters so trapped

in a cycle of personal behavior that they cannot break out of. And what I'm saying is, yes, this is the madmen of biblical movies, I guess. Of course, I'm not saying that. Mad Men is the greatest show I've ever made. So Samson's dad does not approve of Samson just fighting Egyptians and looking at beautiful ladies. He thinks Samson's lost sight of his true people.

So, anyway, the Prince kills Balcon the Egyptian. He tells the fight promoter, you and your daughter work for me now. And then this is when the king and the prince talk to each other and the king reveals, the prince is like, if Degon's helps us, Degon be strong, we will defeat these Hebrews. There are, the Hebrews are already so beaten down. The Philistines go in with impunity and just murder them and steal their food, but it's still like, we got to crush these people. And the king is like, look, there's no real Degon. There's no God. God don't work. Come on. Let me, it's like a bit moment in that.

Talk about that mother fucker So day gone, what how's it going? Pretty good mother fucker It's yeah, you're gonna 110% of your day We're on your side. Well not really. I don't worship Yeah, but we want you to tell your side of the story so day gone How'd that feel to be have have Billy's angel say you're not real? Well, I'm have fish

Okay, so you're saying what's the Titanic thing? Yeah, you know I never saw Titanic everybody tells me I need to what about the phantom? Did you love the phantom phantom? Models superhero movie it can't all the candles of the phantom. No, no, they can't. He really slammed evil. Yeah, yeah. So, Deagon, what brings you by today? You're going to promote double your new encrypted podcast. Yeah, I know people

are a little sick of hearing about it. But we're trying to get the word out. Okay, that's the Deagon bit. Thanks everybody. Thanks for joining us, Deagon. Bye. So, the king is like... The king is like, God's don't exist They're just symbols that we use for controlling people and this is when you know. Oh, he's the worst kind of bad guy Then he's the oh damn Billy Zane

We're like in Zane Say it in the name more like Dan Zane's children's musician So Samson's for it with Tararyn and they really hit it off. They have a moment where she says, those who tangle with you, like, you know, don't with, you know, get really regret it. And I thought her use of the word tangle was so hilariously anachronistic that they're in this kind of fake, high-language biblical English and she's like, hey, those who tangle with you, what tangle?

What is he? Some chosen guy? Could be another hair pun. Could be another hair pun. Oh, that's fair. That's fair. So they're like, they're all hot and heavy, right? Oh, yeah, they are.

And meanwhile, the council, like you said, and Rucker Hauer is not into it. He's like, you shouldn't marry her. Who is? Rucker Hauer's not into it. He's like you shouldn't marry her. Who is? Rucker Hauer his dad and Manoa Well, they don't like it because she's a Philistine and he's a Hebrew. It's a real West Bank story Yay anyway, and so and the Hebrew Council, which is just the old man of the village in Caleb They're like this is bad Samson's no good. He's just always lusting after women I wouldn't trust him with my daughter or my sister,

let alone the future of our people. And Caleb is like, if it wasn't for his strength, maybe your daughter's sister would have no virtue left without his protection. And it's like, whoa, dude, that's a harsh threat. Sure. So if Samson leaves someday, like something terrible is gonna have

all the women of the tribe, because he's shown absolutely no protection of us so far like they they anyway they got big plans for samson but isn't to be living up to it long story short samson and the lady they they are opposed to her and he's gripping about his dad the king and how lame is dad is to his girlfriend whose name is Lila huge reveal huge reveal he's like my love my Delilah and it's like oh really the only other male character in the movie is gonna be Delilah And then he then he looks at the camera and raises his eyebrows up into the sky And then Neil Diamond comes on and thinks his famous

song, that's right, Forever and Blue Jeans. Wait, hold on a second. I like Stuart the idea that he raises eyebrows up so high that it's like they're retiring them in the raptors of a basketball arena. Yeah, it's the opposite of a deal with it meme. So Samson and Taryn, they're going to get married at the kind of like biblical picnic because they have a basket with them. And his parents don't approve. Samson storms off into the misty forest and asks God for a sign. God gives him a sign in the form of a lion that attacks him, which if God brings up that sign, it'd be like God's mad at

me. He does not want me to marry this woman. The, uh, the line looked so bored initially. Like, the tiger, the tiger in that fucking Neil Breene movie, we watched seemed more into it than this line. The fight with the line is worse than the fight between Michael Palin and the stuffed lion in the Scott of the Antarctic, Scott of the Sahara sketch in my python, where he is wrestling with a stuffed lion and then a man and a lion suit hits him over the head with a chair

That was more convincing than this one. It was like Samson just hug that lion for a while Just hug it and then pull a king Kong and just snap his jaws There are there's three seconds of a real lion that they rented and then he just fights with a builder bear And then when Samson's on he asked God for forgiveness and it's like I did not understand what was going on like that's one of those things where maybe back then they just understood God signs a little bit more clearly. Yeah, but I don't it's even when Moses saw the burning bush and go like, oh, I see I got to get a staff. I got to go with my brother We're gonna go save you for everybody from the Pharaoh commandments. You got it bush on fire like It was it was a simpler time back then So this this is the point where the movie starts getting a little bit wild for me Okay, cuz then this is where Rala starts talking to maybe Delilah or maybe the king about or maybe Delilah convinces Rala about how

she he should allow the marriage to happen because he can control Samson. Yes, that I was trying to figure out his his motivation here. It's this weird thing where she says to tent to Rala, you have to give permission for Taran to marry Samson. So if you give him his wife, he owes you and you'll be under his control and you'll have his strength at your command, which is not a terrible strategy. Like we end over his trust by giving him the love of his life and then you have that leverage over him

that you could always take it away. But the prince is like, ah, of course. And then right away is so, I'm so into it. Yeah, immediately. He's like, he's a huge dick and then tries to murder him. He's like, that's right, I can control him and have his strength working for me. Okay, hot shot, riddle contest.

And if you lose, either of you give me 32x or I kill your wife. He's like, wait, how does this fit into your plan? Why does he want somebody to an X? This also, before we get to that, he let wants to live like his favorite character Alan tunic. This great both on camera and his voice over artists. Oh, he's great. He's just amazing.

Where's that guy? This great is K tunic, S.O. What's Alan tunic with K2S O and Rogue one? I don't remember robot name. Oh, it's okay. Anyway, he was. Elliot, trust me. What I said was fucking weird. Over here.

There's also this is after the scene. No, we're similar robot names. Yeah. Name a robot. I won't remember it. RoboCops. Who? It's fucking Murphy is his name, by the way. Fucking Murphy. Is that a robot? Okay. Name it. Well, he's one RoboCops of cyborg, not cyborg not a robot so wow and the terminator is also cyborg So boohoo you lose I even take it to school the name of real robot for me. I can't I have no more You're like they're all cyborgs low-bott

That's about the riddles yet because yeah Samson so before I for the rehearsal dinner Yeah, we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we're we we're we we Is this something that is it common knowledge like a bear? Like I don't know. Excuse me. Is it common knowledge among the human population of the world that honey that bees routinely squat in lion carcasses and turn them into honeycombs? Because this was the first I've ever heard of it because he he snatched is that honeycomb and then he looks at the sky and he goes sweet from the strong meat or something. He says he says something. He says he says something to eat from the eater, something sweet from the strong.

It's also like, and then he says dig him, dig him. Stupid. It's God damn it. And this is a literal quote from the Bible that I'm calling the stupidest God damn thing. Cause he's like, so was this seen in it? So damn that riddles from the Bible. Yeah, from what was it like from the strong From the eaves from the song or something to eat something strong something sweet or something like that

But it was also was the part repuls honey out of a lion's carcass also in the Bible. Yes, that's okay Well, wait, that's not a riddle, dude Well, that's what I that's why I want to talk about Calm down. Calm down. Yeah, settle down. I know you get mad about riddles. But anyway, it's not like we're asking you to name a robot. So at the so we'll say at the wedding rehearsal, they have a little bit of a riddle contest. They the print and I mean, I was

just I was just out of wedding, guys. I was out of wedding on the whole. There's no rid, guys. I was out of wedding on the phone. How is the little contest there? There was a thing. There's no riddle contest. It was on the fiddle contest? No, but there was this little kid that was on the dance floor and he was doing the Homer Simpson line aside like the curly thing where he runs in a circle.

But he was doing it while dabbing the whole time and I've never felt more inadequate on the dance floor. Oh, that's pretty great. So Samson is like, so first the Prince trick Samson into drinking some wine, which is not cool. And it's one of those things where he's like, I broke my vow, but it's like, let's look at the motive here. You thought you were drinking water.

God, can I appeal to you God that if he didn't do it on purpose, that he didn't break his vow, because it's kind of like if somebody dropped a dollar and then a day later you saw in the ground and picked it up. Did you steal from that person? You don't know who it belongs to. I don't know. So in this case, he's talking to Rala who's being a serious dick right away. And he's like, hey, have a drink with me and he gives him some shit and he's like, yeah,

it's not wine and they drink sitting realize It's wine immediately like it was clearly it was wine They wasn't gonna give him something that wasn't wine, right? That's true. I guess he didn't think it's not that he thought Samson was pregnant and gave him like love soda that looked like a genetonic or something Yeah, yeah, it's not a mocktail so they have their riddle contest and the real contest stakes are clear if Yeah, yeah, it's not a mocktail. So they have their riddle contest and the real contest stakes are clear. If, if Samson wins, he gets 32nex,

which I guess mean, which I thought it was like a strip riddle contest that like, the principal, his men were gonna take their clothes off. Yeah, I thought we were gonna see some dong too. Yeah, and, but if, if the prince wins, that Samson can either bring 32nex or allow his wife to be murdered. And, and so, Samson being a real egotistical guy and he's come up with

this amazing riddle when he stole that honey from the lion's body because apparently, in Biblical times, bees were just looking for lions to build their houses in. Is this something I've never heard of anywhere else in the Middle East? This is like the most unfair fucking riddle when he's like, he tells this thing that he like, there's like little bit of dog girl that he like made up While he was wandering around he says the dumbest shit and then he gives him all look like he's a fucking man He's Edward make my himself Smug look about this riddle and not not since it's like I got my pocket has there been such an unfair riddle

It's like when somebody fucking kills me and in Overwatch and then starts fucking tea bagging me and I'm like, come on man, this wasn't even a fair fight. I was playing a bad character. You can do it all the time. I mean, that raises a lot of questions about how Overwatch functions that you can tea bag the bodies afterwards. Yeah, it's like any video game.

Jordan backed me up on this. Stuse, right? Like all night. Once again, Stuballs George Giner are sticking together. So Dan, so the riddle, the answer is of course like a honey and the lion or something like that. It's the answer. It is a bad riddle, but what would your riddle be, Dan?

You want, let's say it's your rehearsal dinner. What the fuck? This is kind of, this is pretty me. Put me on the spot, bullshit. You're a Mr. Riddles. You're the guy who couldn't wait to talk about this Riddles. Yeah, Dan's one on his phone in the last 20 minutes. I'm just saying this is an unsolvable Riddle. That's what I'm saying. Nothing... All right, here's the other thing.

The other Riddle that was said at... You know, at the thing was like, I think you're paraphrasing now. The other riddle that the guy said was something about like, I run when the sun comes, what am I or something like that? He's like, the answer is a star. And like, all right, well, it could have been the moon. I mean, my guess is, it could have been darkness. I have to see a number of fucking things riddle guy. Well, I mean that's riddles though riddles are dumb But I would I have to assume if Samson said the moon, which was my guess the prince would have been like all right judges Yes, I will accept the moon you will receive 15 tunics

You will receive 15 tunics. That's incredible. So incredible. And I'll just, I guess, just cut off your wife's arm. Sure. We're both winners on this one, Samson. But it's, it's, it goes, judges, book of judges. Yes, they're saying that they'll accept it. But at least that's a solvable riddle. Like, Samson's riddle is not a solvable riddle.

So you're saying, so this is where the movie really stretched. It's the leavevability for you. It wasn't that he's a super strong man who gets his powers from a deity and also apparently doesn't have a job or need to do anything for a living, even though his people are starving and could just have time to go tarry with Taran on the beach. He also lives in a place that is so close to the beach, so close to a forest and so close to a mountain, which I guess is Israel now that I think about it. But-

What is this middle earth? But the thing that you really, that really bothered you is, this is a bad riddle. Yeah. So, is it possible that riddle technology had just not been developed at that point? Yeah, I think that's a big part of it. So the bad guy guesses the riddle or he like fair set out. So the bad guy says find me the answer to that riddle to Delilah. And Delilah tells Taran we gotta find the answer to that riddle.

He's still worked for me bitch. And because Delilah is a real nasty person to Taran. And so Taran says to Samson, if we're gonna be married, we can't have any secrets. And he's like, we don't have any. And she goes, well, what was your riddle about? And if I was him, I'd be'd be like I don't know it's some done riddle or something this is not a sign of our marriage but he goes okay

it's it's a lion and honey or something like that and Delilah over hears this and tells the prince so the prince gets it right in the morning and he's like Samson where are my 32 nicks that you owe me and Samson's like oh shit I don't have 30 tunics What do I like runs through a fuck he runs through a wall or something? That's right. There's a samson shape hole Can't got to get that tunic dude and he runs off to it. He's got a fun He I mean if I was him I'd just go home to the tribe and be like, guys, I need a solid.

Everyone give me your tunic. Right. Take them shirts off. Like, but this is my only tunic. Look, my wife's gonna be killed if I don't have this tunic. Is your clothing more important than my wife? Yeah. Keeping mine also, I'm super strong.

And yeah, or even, hey, guys, I'll lead you to freedom. But the price is 32 nicks. Like, that's always good. Or just pick up Taran and run away with her. Because you're super strong, dude. Just go somewhere with her. And maybe he doesn't know the extent of his powers yet, but he can one shot kill anyone.

Like it seems like now is the time to use your one punch, one kill powers. Because he shows up with, he finds these Philistines and he's like, hey, give him your two necks in the Philistines. Oh, but first he's at a well. And he's sort of getting some water. And and he's like, hey, give me your tunics and the philos, oh, well, first he's at a well He's sort of Some water and yeah, so it runs off and he and he pulls a fucking straight up terminator

He's like your clothes To me first I thought it was a reference to terminator that they were doing this Okay, Samson's gonna be like a cowback. You're tunics. I'm going to need them and your motorcycle Yeah, and then bad to the boat starts play Samson, his plan seems to be to just run away. Like, OK, I can't get the tunics. I don't have a wife, I guess. I'm just going to run off, start a new name, a new life under a new name.

Now, my name is Gramson. My name is Gramson, and I'm not even Jewish anymore. I'm from the tribe of Glam. I'm Gramson from the tribe of Glam. And maybe I'm not super strong. Maybe I'm just like, I look strong, but I'll pretend I can't pick up things. So no one will know.

And it's like, he's very thirsty from all that running. The Philistines say, don't treat that. That's for Philistines only. And he says, give me a tonics. And then punches the lead Philistiner once, kills him with one punch. And the other Philistines guys are like, what?

And he, like, then just punches the rest of the bunch of dead. Yeah, he punches them all while some of his tribespeople watch and are freaked out reasonably so. Yeah, at the end of it, he's like, why are you so scared? I'm here to help you. You're just like, you're gonna fucking combo us to death. Yeah. She's like we this ancient times

we only know is your some crazy guy who walked up punch twenty men to thirty demanded clothes your foot and super meter is totally jacked up at the point yeah you you can do like a a nba jam like fire done at this point

we don't want to get anywhere near you uh... but he can't take the two next off of those guys because he vowed to an NBA jam like fire dunk at this point. We don't want to get anywhere near you. But he can't take the tunics off of those guys because he vowed to God he'd never touch the dead. But he does it anyway. And he returns with a net full of tunics to find the princess like, he must have been gone for 10 days because the princess like, oh yeah, you were gone for so long.

We had to finish the wedding ceremony. So I married Terran. And Samson does not like the sound of this they try to capture samson but he runs away to a cave full of foxes yeah and then is that in the bible also that is the bible yeah this is how you know that it's a bible that's chit i right because nothing nothing in this wacky would be would be in this movie if it was not actually in

the bible all the stuff that doesn't make sense is straight in the bible so he ties burning uh... would to the bottom of foxes tales and lets them loosen the philistine wheat field and burns their their their crops and samson's like all burn all your crops if you don't give me tarn and the princess like fine take tarn and the rose or overall wall to her dad uh...

that's yeah you're saying that was your favorite part of the movie, Danny. You thought it was hilarious. I thought that was really cruel, but whatever, man, I'm just a normal guy. You know, I like singing to the people in pain. I mean, I thought that was hilarious, though. Like, he's like, I got a way. You're like, I would never think that's funny. That's a joke. Anyway, seriously, I find that hilarious. You're like, I would never think that's funny. That's a joke.

Anyway, seriously, I find that hilarious. No, no, no, no, not that part. The fox is part. Like he's like, I gotta get my revenge on these people by burning their crops, but I'm gonna, you know what? I'll let the foxes be the full guy here. Well, also, I'm gonna torture these foxes,

but yeah. Maybe he also wanted revenge on the foxes from like a deleted scene, and this was like a double revenge. What, he's just like killing his way through all the animals. He's like, I maybe he also wanted revenge on the foxes from like a deleted scene and this was like a double revenge He's just like killing his way through all the animals. He's like I killed a lion time for me to take these foxes out Because there's I don't they were very cute. I they were very cute. They were like phantic foxes They're really cute look but they longer tails the I I mean phantic foxes I guess would have been native to the area possibly the red foxes

So anyway, we don't need to talk about phanticet foxes, just go to the Prospect Park Zoo and you'll see some for yourself. I would be and you'll get to see, of course, the Madamatta coolest of the turtles. Yeah, a coolest turtle in the universe. Yeah, at the Prospect Park Zoo, Prospect Park Brooklyn. Anyway, red panda is very cute. Take the kids, can you win, Dan?

Yeah, red panda's now, too. Red panda's, that's my favorite panda. They've had red pandas for a while, but they've got baby red pandas now. Oh yeah, they, that's my favorite panda. They've had red pandas for a while, but they got baby red pandas now. Oh yeah, they did a year ago. They're probably all grown up. They won't for long, because I'm going there and stealing them.

No, no. But I doubt there was a scene that they cut out where Samson's like, Foxes, here's the plan. I said, Samson, Samson, Samson. The Foxes are like, he he he, you got it Samson. Like he's a bird to death for you. They just yell at him. It's like the Omen. This is for you Samson.

It's all for you. They try to capture Samson. He runs away. All that stuff. The Prince kidnapped Samson's dad to make Samson show up. Samson gives himself up. What he is ready to surrender. Yeah, his brother Chad or whatever shows up and finds him.

Caleb. Caleb. Caleb, Chad's. And they have a really awesome conversation in front of a green screen cave, because I guess they couldn't film the cave. Their cave budget ran out after the Fox scene. So he's like Samson, now that the Prince has killed your wife, maybe now you can lead our people and kidnap your your wife Maybe now you can lead our people and kidnapped your dad Maybe now you can lead our people to freedom and he's like no

I'll free our people like giving myself up. I don't care what they said. I will surrender and give myself away You know like the song anyway, and so he's ready to give himself up and the prince is like good I'll let your father live and then he walks from those JK JK JK I'm going to kill your dad right now right in front of you and then I'm going to burn down your village watch this and the troops kill his dad. Samson is so mad that he bursts the bonds that they tied him up with and now he's super strength. He just hulks out and he goes crazy picks up a very, very conveniently placed asses jawbone. Yeah, and the bad guys like,

I told you not to give him a jawbone! Yeah! Oh, I thought you said, do give him a jawbone! You say asses jawbone as if it's a common weapon, like as if it's like one of the weapons in a clue or something? Yeah, yeah. But it's only famous cassettes and used it.

Right. Yeah, that's making it clear that, yeah, there's a, there was a donkey who do died and there's a job on there. And like, that's what he's going to use to murderize some people. Yeah, yeah. I'm sure the filmmakers were like, this jawbone is going to be the new Darth Maul's double and it lightsaber. Oh, yeah.

Every kid at Christmas wants the styrofoam jawbone so he can just like his hero saves him. Yeah, just like his hero saves him. Samson Set comes with the jawbone, a very fake wig and a faker-looking beard. He can, and he kills so many dudes. Oh, man. All these troops attack him mostly one at a time in classic movie bad guy fashion. Now, the Bible is a thousand people. So I I mean I don't know I don't think they have a thousand people in the movie but that's I don't think there's a thousand people in the

entire cast or crew a thousand people have not seen this movie but it isn't it's an impressive amount of people that he kills and you got it goes on for a while they pile up on top of any praise he prays to God. I was them off again. What a kill streak. I mean, come on. One life. That's amazing. I've asked people. Yeah. No continues. It was out of continues. It was it's going to be quite an Xbox achievement. This is I mean, what is heaven, but the ultimate continue. But you don't continue. You do a new thing, right? Hard to say. Okay, good point.

We'll find out when we get there, if we get there. I hope we don't live forever. No, I'm more worried I'm going to end up in one of those Chinese Buddhist tales, where you're tiny little office and you just have to do bureaucratic work all day. Oh, no, I didn't know that was an option. Oh, it's not a not. I mean, you don't get to choose. It's not like, it's not. Oh, it's not. Which held do you want to be in?

Which reminds me, I was wondering if, so there's all those political cartoons, It's not that. It's not that. It's not that. It's not that. It's not that. It's not that. It's not that. It's not that. It's not that. It's not that. It's not that. It's not that.

It's not that. It's not that. It's not that. It's not that. It's not that. It's not that. It's not that. It's not that.

It's not that. It's not that. It's not that. It's not that. It's not that. It's not that. It's you're saying he's in hell right now, but that gets me the point I want to say which is which is that why don't they do ones like that where when a bad person dies where the devil is greeting them at the door Or it's like Saddam Hussein led to have you aboard Because I'd like to see those

Like whenever I'm gonna realize are you complaining about those like cartoons or tweets where people are like, hmm, Prince, David Bowie, Heavens got a hell of a band now and you're like, oh, thanks for boiling down, boiling them down to their one skill. Also, I mean, I mean, it is fair to miss them as musicians, but I, even for their contributions to film and fashion. But it's almost like what I don't like about that is it's like, yeah, haven't already has the best band. Like it wasn't like they were just waiting.

It's not like David Bowie and Prince together are better than all the great musicians who ever lived their own history. Bradley Noel of Supply. We're just going to watch Bradley Jam. But I just imagine Mozart and friends list and like, Buddy Holly and John Lennon are all playing a song together and then God looks over in Princeton day and day and day. I mean, he goes, shut that shit off.

Shut that shit off. The real musicians are here. John Lennon physically abuses wife, right? So he probably isn't up there, right? I mean, if, I mean, no, and let's just be honest, no professional musician is ending up in heaven. They're all pretty, they only pretty crazy lives. Maybe ironically, Pat Boone. I guess it's not a wrong. It's very much a Christian

musician. Danny, Danny, Dan's staring off into the middle distance trying trying to rationalize liking problematic musicians right now. I know that's not what I was doing. Thanks like thoughts in my head. It's like is our Kelly really a bad guy? Is he a goodie or a baddie look? He doesn't have to be your Kelly as long as he remains our Kelly So okay, is he could hear a baddie? I think I think it's going into joke jail for that. That show.

I should. Okay, anyway, Samson, this is one of your marquee Samson moments. You go to see the Samson movie because you want to see the scene where he kills all those guys with the with the job on and I gotta say the movie does not stint on it. They you see him kill a lot of guys with that job on. There's all sorts of slow mo. No, for me, like for an overtly Christian movie, like this is the fucking meat of the feast, you know,

like, oh yeah, this is some tasty treats. Yeah, just something sweet from the strong eater from the heat. Yeah. If we could make a boy out of trees, we could make a pencil out of boys. I mean, there's this sort of scene where like, I'm a little disappointed they didn't do a fucking close up as soon as his hand hits the jawbone and then he

Raced it up in the air and he goes, I have the power They should have done when his hand what you they should have they should have shown his hand reaching for the jawbone freeze-framed A guy in sunglasses pops up and goes, you know what's happening? And then he his hand and he goes toasty every time he hits somebody His hand grabs the jawbone and you just hear, huh, you're already for this. And then he just wails on these guys. And he just, he kills a lot of them.

And he hits the prince last. He hits him so hard in the face that it scars him, but does not kill him. Classic bad guy scar, though, right across the eye. Right down his eye. And also, like he's crying a fake tear. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And classic bad's like he's crying a fake tear. Yeah.

And classic bad guy thing that he comes back, which again, I don't, I think this is, Dan, is that in the original that the prince was dead when he comes back? This prince is all made up, right? The whole second half of the movie where they're like, where they have cool beer. Where the prince is like the big villain and like, he maintains his status as like Samson's antagonist and then like also where Delilah is kind of like like into Samson even after she betrays him like that's all bullshit. That's all from the book of Gladiator right? Yeah, the book of best picture winner Gladiator.

Exactly. So Samson now he's like, okay, now I'm gonna allow myself to be appointed as judge and they Anoint him with oil as they would all of the future kings of Israel. Oh, I thought that was like honey or something. No, no, that's holy oil And I'm like sweep for the strong meat, you know It was actually butter flavored topping and then Sam said looks right into the camera and says, uh, visit the concession stand. Uh, uh, uh, uh, Sam said they annoy Samson and they go, you are now the leader of the tribe of Dan and he goes, also, can you pour some sugar on me? Because I'm hot sticky sweet. There you go. Mm-hmm. And they said that a really long strip club seat. I mean, that kind of is later, but so, but what's weird is that Samson's like yes

I will be your judge now and I will lead you to freedom and then It's the king is that the prince is like Hey, he's not dead yet. He goes hey dad now. Can we fight and kill Samson and the king is like no I'm mad at you, but I have to make peace with Samson because I don't want to I don't want to have any trouble with the Hebrews And it's like what was what were you doing this whole time? The motivations are so crazy. And the prince is so mad. He smashes a statue of Deagon and tells Delilah I will take Samson's power because he realizes

now who the true God is and it ain't Deagon. Oh shit. Anyway, many years later, as the Kairan says, everything's pretty much the same except now Caleb and Samson have these super fakie and mad TV skits beers that we've been talking about. Everyone looks like the Mottipi-Thod guy that says it. Every character in the movie at some point

looks like the Mottipi-Thod guy who says it. And it's like, guys, just calm down with those beards. Make them look normal. Don't make them look like the beards ever. Like you don't need to make it look like you stole the beard off of that rostocat fish mucket from that from that gym has you shaved you shaved all three of ZZ top spears and sewed the together. I mean technically there's only two beards and ZZ top. That's okay. I'm at the TV here, Would you put together to make one beer?

That's right. Yeah, that's the, that's the, they come with ZZ bottom. Like, look at where you're putting the money movie. Like this is a story, like hair is such a part of this story. It is, the most important. It is like Samson Costett. It is like how in X-Men Origins Wolverine,

his claws look like shit. Like, this is where you put the money. I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying. And the accountant was like, well, let me look at the budget. We have 75 cents for the hair budget. How is that possible? It's a Samsung movie. The budget is easily $10,000. Let's at least, well, actually the budget's much bigger than that. You're the director of a movie,

and you think the movie can be made for $10,000? Look, this is my first movie. Most of my films before were Dog 95. And I decided I'm finally going to get some of that big Hollywood money and make this Sam's significant. So tell me, let's break down the budget. Well, Rutger Howard doesn't come cheap, that's for sure. Billy Zane doesn't come cheap, that's for sure.

You want them in your movie, don't you? Yeah, I guess so. They're like, how about we only shoot Billy Zane in one scene filled with as many babes as possible? You mean two? Okay, fine, you can do that. in one scene filled with as many babes as possible. You mean two? Okay, fine. You can do that.

The babes who are as covered up as I've ever seen a woman in there, they're braiding each other's hair. Now, let's go through the rest of the budget, shall we? Okay, caves. Does it come cheap? We can't afford it to the home moon. We're going to have to green screen some of them. Okay, tunics.

We need at least 30 just for one scene alone. That's a lot of money. Lions, we need to rent a real lion so they can fight. Can we do it like a fake lion? Yeah, okay, sure. We'll get a fake lion, which actually in a weird way costs more than a real lion. Okay, let's look at this.

Other actors, sure, we need some, right? Okay, sure, corn. What else are they gonna steal from Deagon's temple? Okay, good point. Foxes, those aren't free. Are you sure? Yeah, they're not free. Why do you think rich people hunt them? Okay, you're making good points. Foxes aren't free. Now, you add up all those things including rocks, Asses jawbones. You know how hard those are to come by?

Very. Really? I wonder how many I wonder how many they went through filming that scene because they kept breaking. Yeah I wonder how many they went through filming that scene because they kept breaking. Yeah, you smashed in deeds with it. Just whale on them. So that doesn't leave us a lot of money for beards and wigs. Okay, I see your point. Get me a ball of yarn and a child's school glue stick and we'll do this upright. Their beards are, it is terrible. They're so funny.

And it was like, that was the moment when I was like wait a minute is this movie a prank like I'm pranked right now did Jordan make this movie as a prank I guess I don't know if you guys have the same feeling I had when I when I fired up this movie in my movie player and I'm seeing all these fucking hot credits shown up and that you know I recognize some of them and then the credits for the production company, Pure Flix showed up, and I'm sure that's meant to be a Christian thing. But for some reason, it sounds like a porno company.

Yeah. I mean, it looks like the logo in front of HBO late-night movies. It is that caliber of production company logo. I was, like, it's, I mean, it a soft core level of production budget on a lot of this like there was there were times when it was like okay We mean by Billy Zane showing Even with Billy Zane. It's like and someone's gonna turn into like a Fred Olan Ray movie And it's just about Missy Monday taking her top off and someone's rec room basement like that's that's what this good

That was mostly for Dan, that reference there. Oh, I love it. You see what I'm thinking? But anyway, it's a cheap movie and the cheapness really shows in the Beards, which as we mentioned, is one of your key costume elements for the Samson story.

So anyway, the king and Samson meet, Samson's like, we're either gonna have a war where you've gotta reduce our tribute. Notice Samson's even like, we have to be free. He's like, just don't make us pay you so much grain every day. And Billy Zane says, no deal. I want the heart of the ocean. Let's just call it, what's it called in French?

Oh, I don't know. The core del mayor? Yeah, yeah, you got it. Anyway, and Samson's like, is that this movie? And Billy Zane is like, look, I'm just reliving back when I was a movie star. The you've seen the fat up, right? I smashed evil. What was that other one I made with the whole kid? I was in like consequence. That calm. That calm. So the Lila finds, so Samson is walking the streets, dejected because he can't make a deal a woman comes up and says

Samson you're famous. I have an in where men of your kind can pray and be in solitude and it turns out to be like a party hotel Poor house and he's in his room and he's tricked again. What the fuck dude in his life? He got tricked again just like with the wine like fucking pay more attention He got tricked again, just like with the wine, like fucking pay more attention. It's that this one. I think Samson is just like playing this whole oh no, I've been tricked because he was too tricked to go to a brothel. Yeah, that's possible too. Honey, God, honey, I didn't know.

My friends took me. I thought that, I thought that Pestys was a gym. It said Gentleman's Club, I'm a gentleman. I'm a very gentle man despite the people I've murdered. I thought the people I were touching were alive but they were just sleeping. Yeah, I was touching. So he goes to this hotel and he's a real buzzkill. Delilah finds him there and says he's in danger. She's not with Rala anymore. She lies to him. And then the Philistines attack and

they're like, you murder or you killed my brother when you killed all those troops, which is, and this is the one thing in the movie where I was like, all right, that's an interesting fair point, because that, even though they're all ADR lines that were thrown in at the last minute to give the crowd something to say about chasing Samson, the fact that these men that Samson killed are just for a moment treated as human beings who had families in the first kingdom and not just nameless NPCs that he could just mow down and then they dissolve away and turn to meat that he can eat for more power up his energy bar or cash that he could use by weapons. Yum!

Like in gauntlet. He's not just fighting a bunch of abobos that he can double dragon into food. So it's like, there was one more, it was like, okay movie, you know what? I like that instance that the Philistines have a reason to be mad at Samson. They don't know the story of that thing. All they know is their brother was a soldier

in the Philistine army and Samson single-handedly killed him I'm like killed him with a fucking jawbone and with a jawbone the most insulting way to kill someone unless he like The only worst way was he if he pooped his hand and then shoved it Or afterwards if he just kept hitting the crouch button over and over on top of their Like come on dude your character is so much better than mine. Samson was the original tea bagger. Yeah. There's that moment after he kills them all at the job. And then he goes, I poned you, noobs. Yeah. But I turned group chat off. I didn't even hear that. So the Philistines chase them. The Lylins

Samson escape by ducking behind a curtain for a moment, the classic, oh well, if we move over here, I wanna forget where we are. And then he prays to God for strength and he pushes open some huge locked gates to the city gates to get away. Boy, in this movie, people really hang out and give Samson time

to say his strength prayer. Like it takes time all the time. Yeah, a power time. Yeah, and they really just hang out. It's almost like they're like trying to get him to do it. I think what a strength. Hey, idiot, wouldn't it be weird if you got strong right now? Oh boy, probably shouldn't pray to God. So you're saying that Samson is being treated the way that Teen Wolf was being treated?

What's the point? Oh, get him mad. So he wolves out that our basketball team will win. What if it feels like the basketball contest? I feel like Teen Wolf is just a modern retelling of the Samson story. That's modern, right? That's all about hair.

That's right. Same outfit. Yeah, and a woman who temps him, when really his shoe love booth is there all along right? That now Stuart when you said Teen Wolf there's a moment. I thought you said steam wall And I want someone to make a steam punk version of Teen Wolf very badly. Oh, I thought we were talking about a wearable version of Mary steam So so so we've already mentioned that there's a version of Samsung called Dancing, which starts Ted Dancing. Now Mary Steenwolf Virgin is a wolf.

She wants it on the action. I get it. I want to see this power couple where one of them is a super strong, I guess, former bar owner churned demon from hell. And the other one is a werewolf who also fell in love with HG Wells when he was in a time. I think of how jealous Ted Dancing would be if his mate could grow hair on cue. Aw.

Imagine how he's doing. He's like, all I can do is gray, gracefully. I put the gray in graceful. And then he turns into he, man. Yeah, that in gray. Imagine how much better. By the power of gray skills. By the power of grace skills. By the power of power of just for men, touch of grace.

Oh, really looks natural. Imagine if how much better book club would be if it turned out, Maryshire Seymourjins character is aware of all of that aspect of it was not in the trailer. And all these women in my mom's age went to go see it and were like, what, hold on a second. Why is she, now she's, she grew claws and teeth and killed Craig T Nelson on their day. What's that all about? Oh, what a movie. Book club.

The Howling. So anyway, Sam's, so Samson runs until he, what I like about this is, Samson runs until he passes out from sheer emotion, which happened to me one year at summer camp, where I was, I won't go through the whole story, but I got in a big fight with a counselor, and then I got upset with something else and accidentally broke a window and my hands were all cut up because my hands were through the window. I was dripped a trail of blood to the nurse's office It doesn't sound like an accident sounds like you had a like a fake like you pushed through a window

I went to push a glass door and I pushed too hard my hands went through that's my story once and And the nurse bandaged me up and I just lay down on a bed and she was the first person to be nice to me the entire day And I lay down on a bed and passed out just from sheer intensity. And it was like, Samson, I feel you know what? Sometimes you get mad, you break through a gate. He just wanted to push that door and the city smashed it down. Sometimes they trick you into going into a super fun brothel. Yeah. Sometimes. And then you have to lift a big door. What I love is it's still a broken a that's a common problem for you that you're just way too strong for These simple mortal things around you. So you just break it down I'm always crushing telephone handsets and like I'll go to put a quarter to pay phone and just

Bend the quarter to two and and it's like I mean I will admit that right before I push that door I said God please Give me strength to open this door. Yep, and I push so hard that the whole front of the building came out. And my 12-year-old beard grew out. Anyway, so Delilah finds Samson passed on this road and Taryn visits Samson in a dream in Gladiator, Wheat Heaven. Another thing you steal from Gladiator, heaven is a is a yeah heaven is a place on earth full of wheat

and Delilah tends to his wounds the way that everybody does in movies at ancient times which is taking a cloth with water on it and just kind of lightly brushing the wounded part of the body Yeah, because that's all they knew of first aid back there might be some herbs on there There might be some herbs or a tincture possible possible possible And let's apply this under pH for possible herbs. Now, Samson. Be some rose Mary. Samson.

Oh yeah, maybe some time. Yeah. Some mint. Yep. A little, uh, parsley. Parsley. Some more. Is that an herb?

Yeah. What about Aspartone? Aspartone. Yeah. The results are which ingredients. But not like a hand of glory. Is that an herb? Yeah. What about Asphtun? Asphtun? These are witch ingredients. What about like a hand of glory? Is that an herb? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So Samson now goes to visit his mom, because he's a loser. So he's like, I guess I'm a freshman. Yeah, I'm gonna go cry to mommy. And he says, hey, I think God's forsaken me. And he's like, dude, God just gave you the strength to push through the gates of a city.

Yeah. And he's been asking you to do stuff, the whole movie and you have not been doing it. Like, you're the one, this is, it's one of those, it's like in a, you know, it's, this is, you know, this is that moment for Samson, like that moment in train wreck, where LeBron James and all of Bill Haters celebrity cameo friends are like, hold that intervention form where they're like, if you don't, if you don't shape up, Amy's gonna leave you.

And it's like, Amy has been terrible to him. This entire movie. He just, he was getting an award for what a great charity doctor he is, and she went out and smoked pot in the hallway instead of watching him give a speech. Why are his friends not on his side? So it's one of those moments where Sam's like, I think God has forsaken me.

It's like God is the wrong party in this one. Samson, you don't get to be the hero right now. Yeah. Samson is positively appotating in this. Yeah. Appotent. Excuse me. Yeah, I think that's the first time that Elliott identifies with a male character in an

appotent movie. Uh, yeah, maybe. Otherwise, I'm like, who are these assholes? Come on, get a job, folks. When I watch an episode of the video games, when I watch an episode movie, I turn into Archie Bunker. I'm like, get a job, you sloths. Work for a living. Start put those video games down. Of course, Archie Bunker never talked about video games. He didn't

really have them at the time. Be no meathead would be staying up late, playing Arkham City or some shit. And Archie would be like, hey, what are you doing? T-bagging all those Overwatch characters. So Halo. It was like I just killed Stuart's character and I celebrated. So finish the man back missions. So Caleb meanwhile, he just starts

arming Hebrews with weapons that he found. And he tries to get Samson to lead. Hey, guess what Samson says? No, I'm not gonna. Samson get your shit together. Come on He's too busy flirting with Delilah in the woods, but she is still reluctantly working for Prince Rawa. Oh, they had that scheduled They had that schedule walk where they Like through themselves at trees to hold onto for

balance and have flirty conversation. Yeah, about freedom and gods and things like that. There's a little bit of, there's a little bit of, like, like bondage being hinted at in this. I think she says she wants to tie him down with, you know, a rope, but, you know, a new kind of rope or something. Yeah, because what she really means is children. Oh, time down.

The Rope of the Emilical Corde. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think which I say only as a joke because I love having kids, it's the most having a son and expecting another son, they're the greatest miracles of my life. So people, and I love my wife dearly, and I'd be with her even when we didn't have kids, but glad we do. Ellie, do you get some moment of just sheer sincerity for me? I was going to ask if people who don't have kids do we know what love is?

I mean, if you want to hear me. We certainly don't understand that kind of thing. You can show you. No, that's it. People who don't have kids, I mean there's certain types of love you'll never know. But I'm sure you'll know the love of a tasty bucket of popcorn. That's true. Yeah, you'll know.

And you'll also know I mean, you'll also know the love of having a schedule, free of real big responsibilities where you can just go see a movie, whatever you want. Yeah, because I can't do that. That's a special kind of love. You'll know the love of having an extra $500,000 in your pocket, because you're not paying for some kid to go to school, but you're going to agree in what modern dance. Yeah, excuse me, Sammy, you're going to learn classical dance if you're going to get a dance. I love the idea that if one does not have a child, one saves that extra $500,000, one is like, oh, there's a split in this money.

It's just pile it up. No, he's spending it on dance. We spend it all on, we spend it on day. We spent it on, we just spent it on sadness. We spent it all on bullshit sadness. That's true to fill the hole that would be filled with the love of a child. A child who spends a lot of the day screaming at you saying, this is too hard, I don't want to do it. When all you're asking you to do is like,

hey, draw a picture for fun. Anyway, so parenting, what are you gonna do? I got a tight five minutes on parenting that I think I'll get into now. Hey, where are the parents in the audience? I'm glad that you snuck in the what what what do we call the Jewish catchphrase? What are you going to do in the last six and year? Yeah, so Delilah is taunting Samson. She's like, I wish I could bind you. He goes, nothing can bind me, but new ropes, ropes of souls, I guess. Uh, but it really like it. It is pretty hot, right? It's like, like, this is a story that like has a sex element to it. Like sex is a part of this story,

but because of the Christian audience, this thing has to be so like cold super-tempid. Yeah, like even in the brothel, everyone is wearing smocks and helmets. Like, this is not a game of thrones brothel where there's just nude extras walking around being a human flesh wallpaper. This is like, yeah, everyone in the brothel is wearing like a rainpot show. Yeah. It's like, this is a story about, you know,

a sexual temptation, but nothing can be sexy at all because the audience does not want it. Yeah, well, because we're gonna to show this on Sunday School class. Of course, yeah, this is like, yeah, when the Sunday School teacher is hungover, they put on Samsung. It's also one of the things where it's like, we cannot show a hint of anything sexual. Can we show a man bludgeoning to death a thousand men? Yeah, go for it.

Just do it. Just go for it. I mean, that's kind of sexual. Yeah, sure. Okay. So Delilah makes Samson fall to the same. That's bone, though. Yeah, Jordan is all about that as well.

I'm all about that as bone. So Delilah makes Samson fall to the same trap Tyron made of all. She goes, how can we be in love if you keep secrets from me? He's like, all right, here are my rules. I can't touch dead people, I can't drink and I can't cut my hair and I already broke two of the vows. So if I cut my hair, I'm done.

Then he falls for the same shit two times. Like it's the same rationale, just like, Samson, we can't keep any secrets from each other. I mean, like, all right. And she's making him jump through hoops so he can seal the deal, you know what I'm talking about? Yeah. Now, I'm gonna, I'm gonna pause it a new,

this is, let's call this Elliot's Samson theorem, which is, I think Samson is a little dumb. It's a little dumb. And maybe, and it's like, that doesn't surprise me, his, he's not famously wise like Solomon and he's not famously cunning like David He is famously strong and not exactly and he's not like no matter how many crappy riddle contest See wins with his I mean that's why he comes up with a bad riddle that's because he's been riddled dude

It's like if you were in a riddle contest with a dumb person. They were like here's my riddle feathers Plus a can, solve it. Like, you're not gonna be able to solve it because it makes no sense. It's unsolved. And also like, no riddle should end with you shouting, solve it, my face.

That's part of the riddle. Look, that's what, that's what Old Jasper, the riddle van, if you're gonna cross, if you're gonna cross his prospecting bridge, you gotta solve his riddle. Otherwise, he just comes up with another riddle and lets give you a chance to solve it. But I wanna, I think Samson is not very bright.

Yeah, I mean, he's had, God has been telling him what he wants this whole time and he's like, but I tried not to drink wine or touch dead people or cut my hair. I'm doing everything you asked for. God's like, don't cut your hair, don't drink wine, don't touch the dead, lead your tribe to freedom.

I did all that, except for the freedom part. That's probably a minor thing, right? I'm refusing to do for some reason. But I've been straight edge my entire life. That's got to count for something, right, God? I killed all those foxes. Do you think those are bad? I thought you did.

I thought you were anti-fox. That's why you made them so you know you and I guess So he's so she's like ah cutting the hair off, okay? So the Philistines going to tack the Hebrews the Lila is meanwhile. He she drugged Samson with Sunken maybe she put like a zinc tablet in his water. I don't know and And she cuts off his hair. She cuts off his terrible wig. I mean, I wish it was just her removing the wig. Boy, if you want Samson to fall asleep, she should have shown him Samson. This movie is a little dull. Good job. Thank you. I mean, in the original story, Dan,

is it, does she drug him? I always assumed that they have sex and then while he's sleeping after sex, she's fine. I do not know that. Yeah, it's like, as if she's the perfect drug. I do not know that. I do know that it's a lot more biblical and that it's like,

she asked him three times and then like the third time he tells her, you know, like that kind of like, the story construction. Everything's in the Bible. Everything's in the Bible. As opposed to here where she asked him once and he's like, yeah, yeah like that kind of like the story in the bottle. As opposed to here where she asks him once and he's like, yeah, yeah, let me tell you all about it.

Here's my, here's my, here's my, our first trading card, lists all my weaknesses and strengths. They're my power stats, strength, ten, durability, affiliation, juice, affiliation,

first appearance, book of judges, and intelligence is a one so please don't take advantage of that. That's just in the bottom fun fact only weakness is his hair can be. Affiliation Jews comma x4. He's like under under special skills. Yeah. Under special skills it should say riddling but for some reason it isn't on there. I'll just write that in. How do you spell rid forget it anyway. So so write that in. How do you spell rid of it?

So, you look at... So, this is from Marvel Universe series 4. So, all the cards go together to make one big page if you put the nine around it together in your binder sleeves. Cool. I was on a page with my other X-Force buddies. Cable, Ferrell, Domino, Boom Boom, Cameroon, and Strife was in the middle and we're all fighting him So anyway, no was it warpath? Who's the who's my name American guy? Yeah warpath who was because he was the brother of Thunderbird He wore Thunderbirds costume

X-Force number one a conflict I bought five copies of as a kid because they each came with a different trading card I can't guys I can't believe I bought the fluff out. Anyway, guys, we've been talking about this for a while. So let's just say, Samsung instantly loses strength. The guards come to take them away in a scene that is less active than the still carrot, that the caravaggio painting of Samson being taken away which is a Brilliant painting and manages in it being a static image to have more motion and energy than this live-action film Oh, bird so take that and caravaggio. I'm gonna give you some points for this one. Oh

Points points There's a cheer for caravaggio a cheer for this movie. Yeah There's a cheer for Caravaggio, a cheer for this movie. Yeah, on the hot sheet, Caravaggio hot. Oh man, and I gotta say another cheer for Delilah's hair cutting skills. Oh boy. Gives him a bowl cut. Okay, Rallo, he's, he weighs snow time in using his sword to poke out Samson's eyes. And there's a moment before he does that,

where Samson with short hair looks like Michaelian Black in the Louis sketch where Louis is at the last supper. And I was like, okay, Michaelian Black's Jewish for a moment, Samson looks kinda Jewish. Samson Caleb are chained up in the dungeon. And the prince is like, how do I get your power? Tell God to give me your strength.

And Samson's like, I don't know how to explain this to you, but this is a different kind of God who does things through like ethnic race in a way like he chose us. Believe me, if we could have a low frills, no head games God like Gagon, we would be with Gagon. A chill no drama God. Gagon is super 420 friendly. He is super no drama God. Daygun is super 420, friendly. He is super chill, laid back.

Daygun just tells you what he wants, and then you do it. Not like our Hebrew God who is a bit, look, you gotta guess a lot. He's always making you, you know, he's always challenging you and forcing you to earn it. And it's like at a certain point, hey, I can't put the same passion into this worship

that I did when I was young, you know, when we were going out every time And I was worshiping multiple times a night now maybe once a week I just look I'm getting older now I'm Samson anyway, so He's like that's not how it works the prince argues with his dad about what to do with Samson and Jades of gladiator the prince kills the king immediately takes the Burger King cardboard crown puts on his head and at that point I'm like I'm checked out. I'm just going to watch the trailer for the new fucking Neil Breene movie. Yeah.

Yeah. Was the the triggering event of the checkout that Billy Zane was no longer in the movie? Yeah, of course. Okay, I just wanted to clarify that. The heart of the movie is Billy Zane, gang. Billy Zane, all of his scenes that I soon they shot in one day. It's like, it could be two days. He's like, I wonder what it's like to be a dad.

Oh, well, I think I'd be stern. And you know that Billy Zane wasn't around for a while because all of his scenes are on the same set. They're all in this throne room. Delilah Fries, Samson and Caleb, and Samson's like, okay, I get it. I'm ready to fight. I finally know what God wants me to do. Samson's like, okay, I get it. I'm ready to fight. I finally know what God wants me to do

And it's like oh really now you now okay, it took you being okay your dad was killed your wife was killed Your people will be fox genocide. You killed a bunch of foxes You they poked out your eyes after cutting off your hair and stealing your strength He also killed a he also killed a thousand men. And he killed a thousand men, but now you understand, okay. Then, so in Daygon's Temple, the prince, he goes, allow me to introduce my special guest, and he calls Samson a special guest,

which is another great and aggristic moment. And he's a musical guest, Samson. And now it's time for the Princess Dagon ceremony. Feet, Samson. And the machine. So when he's being taken to this ceremony, we see his brother, does brother get released and just he can do whatever the fuck he wants?

Well, yeah, Caleb escapes. I mean, Delilah lets them both go and Caleb doesn't like his way. But he comes back for the ceremony and like, you gotta recognize that beer, dude, it's huge. They don't recognize him because he's got a hood over his head. Oh, cool. Okay. And everyone's like, as shown earlier

by the scene where Samson is leering at two fully covered up women at a well, robes and hoods are pretty sexy, in fact, in that time. So people are like, say, who's the hood hood and a guy with sunglasses looks down over the lenses You're a bald bald. Yep. Yeah And so so they change Samson up they flog him for a while everyone cheers this goes on for a while and

Hey, guess what Samson does. I give you one guess people at home You guess praise to God for strength, you got it. That's exactly what he does. It's this one special move. And as a lightning storm rages, he slowly pushes over the plaster of Paris temple pillars. And these two pillars, this is an enormous temple. It's huge.

These two pillars need to be the only load bearing pillars in the entire building. Because the whole temple collapse is Delilah's crushed by a rock. And Dagon statue. And she doesn't even get like a final shot. Like, no, it's just somebody bearing pillars in the entire bill. Because the whole temple collapse is Delilah's crushed by a rock. And Dagon statue. And she doesn't even get like a final shot. Like, it's just somebody else probably wearing her wig getting crushed by a rock.

Yeah, it's been, and I wonder if originally they were like, oh, we want Delilah to escape so she could be in the sequel. And then, ah, forget it, we'll just crush her. And then there's this Dagon statue on top of the hotel, I would say the hotel on top of the temple. when I love this it kind of like hops down and then it falls on to the Prince and it's a little bit like that would happen in a movie and the implication to be like oh the god that he Evandoned has gotten his revenge, but I don't think the Christian movie. I don't think it's supposed to be like psych

Daygon was real. He's mad now the The whole place. And now we fight CGI. Dagon. Come on. This is the end. The movie needed. They're all crushed by the temples. This is your other marquee. Samson moment.

20 pushes the pillars over. We don't even see Samson get crushed. You just wiggles between these two fucking cardboard pillars. And then it's over. And then you have a little V.O. from K.L.A. Sounding very audio boothy. It really sounds like it was recorded in a small cupboard somewhere.

And he says, Samsung died. It's like a podcast before he starts your Caleb's sake. We swear on this. And then he starts talking about Samsung. Samsung.com? Yeah, you guys are. Samsung.com, which is Samsung. Like Samsung. Samsung. Samsung.com. Samsung.com sends you a free scale. Yeah, you guys are saying Sam's calm, which is like Sam's calm.

Sam's calm sends you a free scale to measure the job bones. You'll be mailing. It's our studio. He's like, I haven't listened before. Do we do characters on this? So we've started, we started recording or yeah, we just started. Anyway, so I first started acting when I was 16 years old He gets on immediately apologize for the audio quality

Try not new Mike So and he says Samson inspired us and then we rose up into battle We he brews and then it goes and eventually we would have a he a Jewish king went on the field of battle of giant Philistine Goliath would face David and you just see King David David the shepherd boy his Feet walking along like as this like with a slaying hanging down and then it comes to black as he's about to hurl the rocket Goliath And it's like was that just a tease for the next movie in the Jewish Cinematic Universe? Like the JCU is going to move up.

We've got a 10 year plan. The juiceless league. Yeah. The juiceless league. Yes. It's David Vigilay, a dawn of juiceless. Sure. Yeah.

And then Joe comes up. Hey, room for one more. It's like, you think you've seen suffering. And so it's like when people like it's weird they started the Marvel Usen Magneters with Iron Man. And that people are going to look back and like it's kind of weird that Samson started out as the first movie. But then and nobody knew that Black Panther, which I guess would be the story of, I guess, Sammy Davis Jr. or it was like that would be the biggest hit of all. But it was like they felt like they knew

the story of Samson is super unsatisfying. So they were like, let's throw in a little bit of another story you know. King David, right? Everybody loves him, don't they? What are you saying that a guy committing suicide by pulling pillars down on himself at the end isn't a satisfying ending?

After he's been blinded. Yeah. I mean, it could be a satisfying ending. After he's been blinded. Yeah. I mean, it could be a satisfying ending if they had built up to it properly or if the movie was any good. It did feel a little bit like they were watching people watch, test audience watching the movie and they're like, okay, you don't like Samson.

I'm not crazy about the Samson. Well, what about this guy? He looks cool. He looks like a giant. He looks like giants, right? And killing them. They pull a real, they pull a real Hogan family on it where they're like, it's about King David now. It's no longer about Samson. Samson left.

All right, guys. We've gone on about as long as a normal episode. Just talking about the movie. So we got to speed through our final judgment. What about all the bad jokes. Okay. Yeah, D. Easily out of these pretty heavily, right?

That's right. Uh, uh, uh, and it's the bubble promo. People are tired of this. But I love it. People are going to be like, oh, this is a long episode. It's like two and a half hours. It must have been a special movie. Samson.

What? So, Dan, are we doing final judgments? Final judgments. This is a good bad movie a bad bad movie or movie kind of like I'm just gonna say It's a bad bad movie was boring Stewart. Oh, man. It was so fucking boring. It's bad, but those wigs and beards and Billy's saying I was I'm on the Stewart boat with this one bad bad movie until that those beers showed up Good bad. Wait stick with it till the beards You don't let them to Earth your while Yeah, I think if you're into like Christian Kitch if you you know like kind of goofing on you know Well-meaning but backwards Christian entertainment I there's some fun to be had so

Good bad under the right circumstances. Yeah, Dan's just dragging it because he doesn't like that fucking sweet riddle but you better watch that for that so i'm about that riddle and it's not even the movies fall down like you said that's from the original source yeah back in the know how riddle should be no honestly like the thing i like the most about the movie is that it's true to the bible because like that makes it wacky in a way that the movie is that it's true to the Bible because like that makes it

wacky in a way that the movie like I kind of assumed that the movie would just be using the Bible as a jumping off point for some total like fantasy bullshit. Yeah. And like no they kept in all the weird stuff like tying torches to foxes and making them run through fields. Yeah, so you feel like that feels like they could have used a few more writers in their writers room is what you're saying about the Bible, huh? I think that the Bible had plenty of writers in the writers room. I think there's one thing we can say about the Bible. The Bible is writing down what God said.

Actually, to be honest, I mean, the the Bible had it was pulled from many different sources It's by many different people over centuries, but I do like the idea because this very close to working in a TV writer's room That Moses was sitting at a tablet carving whatever God just dictated to him while God paced around the room God's writers assisted and occasionally just picked out of a big bowl of candy Oh a big bowl of candy. It was like, oh, yeah, doing bumps. Joe, now Joe, yeah, Joe, something, now they kill his kids too. Oh, and all his cattle. Okay, put that in. No, no, no, no, put the cattle first. No, wait. Okay, move that around. No, no, take out that period, make that a comma. And most is like, I'm carving

this into tablets. Like, it's very hard for me to make changes on the fly like this. But that's what it was like in the Bible's writer's room. They're like, hey, do you think we've we've landed on the trope of not being able to trust women too many times? Nah, put the story in. Put it in. Hi, everybody. I'm your oldest brother, Justin McAroy. I'm your middle-aged brother, Travis McAroy. And I'm your sweet baby brother brother Travis McRoy. And I'm your sweet baby brother Griffin McRoy. Me and 3,000 your closest friends just found your next podcast obsession. Okay, but like the second best podcast.

I'm not a second evil. Oh f***, just listen to my brother and brother me on maximumfund.org. There you go. Perfect. Perfect. Thank you. There you go. Perfect. Perfect. You probably know that Max Fun Packcasters are funny in the talking way, but did you know they also are funny in the writing way? We are very excited to announce that John Ojman and Paula Poundstone wrote books that have been named as semi-finalists for the 2018 Thurber Prize for American Humor. John Hodgman, celebrated fake internet court presider, is the host of Judge John Hodgman and was recognized for his book

Vacation Land. Paula Poundstone's book is called the Totally Unscientific Study of the Search for Human Happiness, and you can hear her expound on happiness and many other topics on her new podcast. Nobody listens to Paula Boundstone. The Thurber Prize is one of the highest awards for humor writing in the United States, and we are proud to have both these authors on Maximum Fun every week. Paula Boundstone and John Hodgman, congratulations. of Houndstone and John Hodgman, congratulations. All right. But moving on to our beloved sponsors,

we have But One sponsor tonight. Hold on, Dan. Hold on a second. For a moment, I thought you were seeing our sponsors then called But One. And I don't even know what business that would be. We got very excited. Who is our real sponsor? Our real sponsor is Blue Apron. Blue Apron delivers fresh pre-proportioned ingredients and step-by-step recipes pre-portioned. Why did

I say pre-proportioned? I don't know. I mean pre-proportioned works too. It's the proportion of the different ingredients to each other. Just keep working. That's true. Let's keep going. Step by step recipes right to your door. They can be cooked in the door. It's not like you said pre-porpus. Like that would be crazy. So Dan, you're saying, so you're saying they give you the ingredients straight to your door. It's already measured out in the proper portions. And then what what kind of ingredients do you? What kind of foods what kind of ingredients do you want? Yeah, just talking about these ingredients, Dan Slauber and all over his shirt. He's gonna have to change his shirt.

I don't know what kind of, I mean, you got things like seared chicken and tangy barbecue sauce and juicy cheeseburgers with spicy slaw. You're making me skip around on the copy, that's the problem. Oh, I apologize, sir. You're right, because this is the copy that's the problem i i apologize you're right because this is the first blue aprons spot we've done before no can take the i apologize for throwing you off and trying to bring some life

into this with my genuine enthusiasm for blue apron and the food that it delivers which i think is really good i do too yeah it's a really good product and company. But Dan, continue. What else does it say? Look, I don't need to go through all the deals. Blue Apron is a delicious meal service that the beauty of it is. Here's one thing that's great about Blue Apron.

You buy things for regular recipe, you buy in greens for regular recipe, you've got all this extra shit lying around. You buy like some parsley, and then you've got a whole head of parsley, and you're like, what am I gonna make with all this parsley to boole? I don't think so.

Here's the situation I've been in, I think we all have been. What am I gonna do with the rest of this Xantham gum? I don't have a use for all this Xantham gum. What I need so much of it. Too much cardamom! Yeah. Blue apron just gives you exactly the amount of food you need to make the food that you want. All right? And no and less waste. That sounds great. Less waste more haste. It's wonderful. To check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free at blueaprin.com. Slash flop house. That's blueaprin.com slash flop house. Get your first three meals free. Blue apron. A better way to cook. Yeah. And I'll just say it. You don't have to get it just for yourself. You know somebody who's going to have trouble cooking for themselves.

Maybe they're going to have a baby. Maybe they're recovering from, I don't know, being injured or something like that. Or maybe just maybe they're really stressed out and they got a lot going on. You want to help take some of the pressure off of them. Get them some from the way print stuff. Or maybe you'll maybe appreciate it. Maybe your parents just want to treat and feel like millennials for a change. You know?

By having blue apron, that's what's gonna make them feel like millennials. Yeah, get them the avocado package, you're right. All right. So now it's time for letters from listeners. I'm gonna abbreviate this a little bit just do a couple of. Wow, that is them, okay. I mean, that's the kind of thing you don't even have to announce.

Look, I'm wondering if you can just you can just do. Yeah, and because we're running late I won't sing a song. I'll sing two songs next time maybe. Oh, okay. Even Jordan and I had this really cool thing planned. We did it. There was harmonies and everything. Oh, it was a labyrinth We were a real yeah, it's like a boys to men's song. Oh, yeah, it was I mean it was a parody of a boys to men song But it was really good. Yeah, it was called Motown Philistine Yeah, is that the one from Leather Web and Bart 3? Probably sure maybe let me hold on wait. It's

But one boys two men lead the weapon three. Yeah, yeah, it all works. Mm-hmm. All right. So damn letters Yeah, this first one is from Daniel last name with held a coin Right dear dad. You're my favorite. I love you love me. I mean a listener right dear dad you're my favorite I love you love me I mean a listener the listener guess that you're gonna go with day Lewis but uh oh that's fair I mean he's incredibly successful though right wait what would I'm just saying that like it's not it's not that close like Dan Macau I don't say it's I is finally on a downward I mean in, in my field, I kind of reach the, I mean, like one of the, like, the highest plettoes you could. Yeah, I mean, that's what you're, yeah, you're the Daniel

Day Lewis of Topical Comedy staff writing. Anyway, Dan, what's the letter say? All right. This one says, you were the, Dan, you're the Daniel Day Lewis of podcasting and you've just been inhabiting this Dan McQuay character all this time. Uh-huh. Well, in some ways I am inhabiting a Dan McQuay character, but go on. It's like if somebody, if a guy named Stuart wrote in and he thought we're all going to guess Stuart Panken, character Stuart Panken. Sure, not necessarily news, characters.

It's the same equipment. We all remember everyone recalls comedy character actors Stewart Pank him. Yeah. Uh, it's the same thing is what I'm trying to say. Oh, I hold on a second. Top of his game sort of guy. You vamp while I look up Stewart Pankin now. Why? Need the letter, Dan?

He's having my second sight, Dan. All right. Oh, no. No. Sorry. Dan, if you're looking, if you want to know if he gave, if he gave his name to Panko Crums, no, he did not. That'd be under, that'd be under Trivia or Gizmo's recent. That'd be under that'd be under trivia or gives his most recent Connectors pages have goofs his most recent credit is he was in something called see ya, which is a TV series apparently He was a fan. He was a better writer wrote in the back. He was a good fan. Yeah, he's like, he's a good fan.

Yeah, you know, I'm done to read all my letter. He was in what episode? Where he played a character called Morris. Presumably a cat of some kind. Yeah, I get it when I see him. Anyway. Cool. So we got that cover.

So that's the first letter. Yeah, it's really better. No, he writes, in September, I will be making my first ever trip to New York. I've already planned out the Flopás experience. A beard, henchman lens bar, steward. Yeah, I support that. Getting the Kaelin Speciala Popeyes for peace mild biscuit, red beans and rice, no drink. No drink. But eat that biscuit up.

It's good stuff. That counts as the drink. And I don't know, sitting on a park bench, and I don't know, sitting on a park bench, questioning my own existence, Dan. So I was wondering if there are. No, no, no, no, Dan does that in his apartment. OK.

I go to the park sometimes. That's true. OK, good. You're right. I apologize. That's true. Okay, good. You're right. I I told you that you like throw the bread on the ground and the pigeons don't eat it. Because Dan is Ziggy. Anyway, Ziggy, continue. Oh, wait, I will not I will not answer to Ziggy, sir. Okay, Dan, continue with the letter I apologize. So I was wondering if there were any movie-related activities you would recommend.

Any famous shooting locations worth checking out? Any particular theaters to visit? Even with the great work, and I look forward to being too shy to talk to Stewart if he's working when I visit. But I'm sure my girlfriend will talk to him. That's from Daniel. Cool. A lot of the movie sites that I used to

go by have changed because New York has changed so much over the past five, 10 years. I don't think that there any in particular that are still around like they used to be like a ton of the shooting sites for taxi driver used to be around and they're all gone. You can take the you can still take the sex in the city tour. That's true. I'll give you that. I mean, you see, go on. No, no, I was just gonna talk about the Brooklyn Pizza Tour, but he's probably gonna be spending most of his time in Manhattan.

I mean, you can go see that fucking Ghostbusters house. Yeah, Ghostbusters house is still there, right? Ghostbusters house. Yeah, it's where they're at. It's a fucking house. Yeah, house where they live in. I don't know if that's the way They busted ghosts they go over the fight they live in the fire sleep there. Yeah, cuz they don't have any other place to go I mean if you call what if you call what race dance

No job dreams if not in that firehouse exactly There's a lot of things that are still there that are worth seeing and worth doing. I mean, if you look up New York's shooting locations online, you might get the wrong thing. Oh, boy. Hey, if you're coming up to LA, buddy, come on out to Universal Studios, right? The movies. Yeah. If you're looking for, like, beyond just, like, places where movies were shot in New York and you just want movie stuff.

You should go to the museum of the moving image. Oh, and Queens, yeah. And check out they've they've still got the I believe that the Jim Henson exhibit is now a permanent exhibit up there. And that's a great exhibit. And fantastic. You were also Dan was telling me he you're a big exhibit. And fantastic. You were also, Dan was telling me, he, you're a big fan of movie props,

so you're always going to plan in Hollywood. That's right. Yeah. I don't even remember about this little indie restaurant called Planet Hollywood. I will say, if you're interested in a little bit of New York history, and why not go to Brooklyn and go to the New York Transit Museum

where you'll see an amazing collection of antique subway cars. And it's in the tunnels where they shot my favorite movie, the Taking a Pellow on two, three. Great. Can I, can, he should just go to clamp tower, right, from Grand Once 2. I don't know how to write the scene. You keep saying you're gonna take me there Dan, but I think you're lying.

Yeah, because you really want to see one of those shows being filmed, right? Yeah, I want to see one of the I want to hope to see a grim when I love the idea that Stewart has his whole day plan to clamp tower. First, we're going to go see the shows rose in yoga later. Mm hmm. I'm going to take the tour. I hope, but not, I hope that indicates is giving it. But not too late. You know what I mean? I don't want to eat that. I was in yogurt after midnight. Oh boy, or you might turn into a crabby grandma. Sure. Is that what you call Sammy when he gets mad? It will be from now on. I hadn't thought about that. So this is the next letter. It's from Clint Last name withheld. It's titled

subject, baby's first movie, Reanimator. Interesting parenting ideas. Weird sequel to Baby's Dayout. As my subject indicates, my three-month-old daughter's first ever movie was Reanimator to defend myself I was late night feeding and foggy brain wanted to watch something beside a dark besides a dark wall Reanimator popped onto my laptop and I was midway finished when I glanced down and noticed my daughter staring intently with me It felt like a precious moment and we co-fued the movie all the way through and have since watched Castle Freak and Texas chainsaw mask our two together From Star

For jative services. Yeah, you got to see one before you see two. I mean showing them to take that kid away We tried Coco and Toy Story movies. I also love but baby Charlotte last to the mere 20 minutes into either My theory is there's something about the mood lighting of 80s horror. I know Castle Freak is 95, but it feels like 80s. That soothes her versus the frenetic energy of Pixar. I'm worried about my choice in films as did as was my wife, but I argue that they make no meaningful sense to my daughter yet. All the blood and severed heads are just color splashes and shapes. My question is, Elliot, what was and or will be your children's first movies? Congrats on your second by the way. Oh, thank you.

And for Dan and Stu, what would you recommend for other people's children or yours if when in the future? I'm thinking not of appropriate kitty movies, but actual adult films, perhaps even horror. Mm-hmm. Flop tell you, die client. Okay. I will say this reminded me of my first movie. Wait, are we supposed to recommend an adult film? Yeah, my kids' first movie will be Real Sex Four.

Wow. Oh, that's one of the good ones. Yeah, Real Sex Four is. Hot. When I was a baby, apparently my first movie that I ever attended was a screening of Atlantic City, the Louis Mall movie, as my parents took me and my sister as little babies to go see it. And apparently my sister couldn't stop crying. They had to take her out of theater. But me, I was pretty engrossed in the story of what Bert Lane Kester and Business Randon, I've never

seen Atlantic City as an adult. I'd only seen as a baby uh my son i don't remember what his first his first full-length movie the first movie he oversaw in the theaters was cars three as he first feature film is on theater but he he's crazy for cars right he loves cars he loves cars both the both the thing and the movies and the movie and uh he actually Jordan came over before he's over recording my house and Sammy was sure to tell him a lot about his favorite characters from the cars movies. And Jordan, what did you have to say about those characters? Were you dogging on them?

Were you not into them? Oh man, I ripped the cars a verse apart. I made Sammy cry. Oh, that's terrible. I'm like Shrek forever, baby. If you're not down with Shrek, you're not not down with me and then I pushed him into mud. Oh Why'd you do that? And then he started crouching and standing and crouching. I did. I see Maggillian son because he isn't into Shrek enough.

I think his first movie that he ever saw might have been might have been the Wizard of Oz but just giving past the witch scenes and Now my son and I are on a on a project. We're watching all the Marks Brothers movies in chronological order And we just finished a day of the races. See know what that means the movie everything's terrible Yeah, hello room service Room service is okay. It's just based on a play so it doesn't really feel like a marks mother's movie But anyway, I like to think I've been showing my son appropriate Okay, well you just miss that But we don't need to talk about room service right now

But I will say that it's I kind of want to do what my dad did for me because when I was I think eight years old I told this story many times on the podcast my dad borrowed his friend's copy of RoboDop, he never having seen it, and we watched it together, and I was like, I'd never seen anything so horrifically bloody. And now I've got a weird association with violence in the movies, so maybe I'll do that to my son. But okay guys, what movies would you show to kids? I'm not sure about that question so I remember the first movie the first movie I saw in the theater is just

It doesn't matter what I was saying fine Okay, okay, Dan. I'm sorry. No, no, no, I just I feel like the fact that I was saying something She proceeds guys guys wait when did we become the Ramones? Yeah, which one of you is the conservative one we could have used Johnny No, I also was gonna say that I don't know what movie I would expose a child to I just was gonna go into like what movie I saw that was an adult movie in the theater and not adult in the Deep-throat way, but you were clarifying. Adult and more of a behind the green doorway.

I remember going to see Remancing the Stone as a child and thinking it was the most awesome thing I've ever seen, which I think is really funny now that I'm an adult because like, not that I don't think that Remancing the Stone is awesome because I still feel that way about Remancing the stone. But so much of it is about the idea of despairing that you're ever going to have a romantic relationship and then finding romance unexpectedly. And just this crazy adventure happening to a woman who is so alone in her life. And that's like the adult theme in the movie. And for me to relate to that as a child, I think

is absurd. It's in the same way that for some reason, when I was a kid, I watched Dear John, the Judhersh, who has sitcom about a guy getting divorced. Yeah, the one where his friend is the guy who played, uh, uh, who plays that fucking guy from Justify. Yeah. Uh, wind Duffy. Yeah, that's right. Uh, Dan, I have this image of you as a kid watching Romantic The Stone and she's like, when will I find a man?

And you're just much of popcorn going, ugh, I'm with you sister. And it's season. I love remancing the stone so much as a kid that I think I was in first grade where I wrote a short story with illustrations that drew myself that was basically me plagiarizing the entire plot of remaining the stone, but up to the point where the snake character is introduced that Michael Douglas kills. And instead of getting killed, this snake kills him and then becomes the main character. I love that for so many reasons, but I most love that you call it a snake character.

It's a character. It's defining character, this is character diamond is being a snake. It's literally. In the movie, he's just a snake. There's no characteristics of this snake. He has characteristics. He's a bush master and he's very tasty. Yeah, he's aggressive. Yeah, he wants to find out what he wants an autograph

from Joan Wilder. Oh, man, what were you going to say, Stuart? I was going to say the first movie I remember seeing the theater was Ghostbusters. My mom put her hand over my eye at the first ghost appearance. And when I was like, well, what did the ghost look like? She said it looked like Skeletor, and having seen the movie now, she's pretty close to right. I don't know, I would say the movies that I, I remember seeing kind of growing up, and I think that I, if I were to have a child, which is very unlikely, if I were to have a child,

I would probably introduce my child to the studio, Ghibli, Miyazaki movies, The Spirit of the Way, Nowska, that type of show. Oh, no. Yeah, like, I remember seeing Nowska in an early age and it just being, I don't know, like super absorbed into it and showing it to friends and then I'm not getting it. I've talked about this on the show, it's dumb.

But like, and I love Spirit of the Way because it's a movie that doesn't really have a villain. It's awesome. So that's me. Jordan, do you have anything you want to talk about kids or should we move forward? Yeah, my answer to both the first movie I saw and what I would show to kids is Space Jam. I mean, those are the first movie you saw.

Yep. So you were like a teenager? Samson is the second. Well, no. So you wonder if you kept texting me while you're watching it going. Amazing. Great. Yeah, and the trades coming up to screen helped.

Space James also, the first is the only website you've ever looked at, right? Yeah, I mean, I'd be like, this is as good as it gets. I'm gonna stop looking at websites. Okay, so I think it's time for, I have a letter number two, Dan, or you. You check soon what's going on. Number three, letter number three. That was letter number two, where we're gonna stop.

Okay, so we come to a halt, better to end on a high note, I guess. So what do we do now, Dan? Now is the part and the podcast where we recommend movies that we actually liked that you should spend your time on instead of Samsung. Book, yeah. I guess I'll start. I will make this quick.

I watched a movie called Tragedy Girls. It's available on Hulu. If you have that streaming service, it's about two teenage girls who kidnap a serial killer in the hopes of learning from him. And then they quickly realize, eh, he's not really that helpful. I'm sort of just keeping captive for the rest of the movie.

But they take on his serial killing for themselves because they want to get a bunch of social media followers for their website tragedy girls. And that sounds like it makes it's a pretty facile satire of social media stuff. And to be frank, it is a pretty facile satire of social media. But what makes it good is it's this kind of like glossy, day glow, slasher world that's done in a very like just a it's it's a like like the surfaces of it are all very pleasant.

And the two girls are very good actresses. In particular, there's one who I would sort of classify as more of the lead than the other, and she's the lady who plays a Negasonic Teenage Warhead in the Deadpool movies. And I've always thought that she had a lot of charisma and was not giving a lot to do in those movies. The Deadpool movies. And I've always thought that she had a lot of charisma and was not giving a lot, giving a lot to do in those movies. The Deadpool movies. Yeah. And it shows that it's her, it's her name Ryan fucking Reynolds. And of course she doesn't get to do anything. He's the star, baby. Anyway, I'm star in a Deadpool movie, Dan, and that's Ryan fucking Reynolds. It's a fun movie that commits to its, uh, sort of just, you know, not, I won't say like nihilistic necessarily, but, uh, completely amoral premise.

Uh, so if that's what you're looking for, then I recommend tragedy girls. Cool. I'm gonna jump in here guys and recommend a movie about a scary fucking mirror. That's right. I'm recommended the movie Oculus. Now that's another Blue Miles picture. Mike Flanagan, yeah, who directed another movie I think I recommended which one was that Dan? Uh, what? Gerald's game, baby. Okay. Taking it to the bathroom.

Yeah. Yeah, that's my partner. He's on shot. Yep. I just picked up my own rebound. Uh, so I'm talking about Oculus. Now this is a movie that people had talked up and I was like, what a scary movie?

Actually, I didn't even know that. I was like, I don't know, just a major studio release horror movie and it assumed like it was going to be terrible. But it may be a lot of fun. It plays around with time and it jumps around quite a bit and it doesn't fall into a lot of the traps that a lot of horror movies that would show up on the flop house It's a movie where the it feels like almost every member of the cast makes very specific

character decisions when doing their performances and It's genuinely pretty fucking scary. So watch Oculus or something. I don't know. I'm not you. Sturrying recommendation from Stuart. I'll jump in here and I'll say I wanted to recommend a movie I saw on the theaters called Sorry for bothering you, but Stuart recommended it already in an earlier episode. So I'll just reinforce it. It's great. It's great to bother you what's called Yeah, sorry to bother you. It's great. Sorry about you. Not sorry. I'm not sorry for bother you

I Related a lot of it. Stuart already recommended it. So I'll just say go see that and then I'll recommend for myself Something that's really been doing a lot for me lately is 30 is melodramas with a central female character and I'm sure that kind of I. I'll go with genre. What? No, I'm sure, oh, sure, that's genre. I mean, it is a big, I mean, women's 30's melodramas. It's a, it's a big film.

I know, Elliot. But I was watching. Yeah. So what was the, anyway? I'm just slowing us down for no reason. Keep going. That's my job, Dan. So I'm going to recommend a movie called The Painted Vale during Greta Garbo. And it's based on an Evelyn Wannaule that I never read the book.

So I don't know how close it is, but it's about a woman who is kind of desperate to escape being the last daughter in the household when her sister gets married. She marries a British like kind of experimental doctor who's dealing with Immunology just and follows him to Hong Kong where he is dealing with a cholera outbreak and while there falls under the romantic spell of a diplomat in the in the kind of Western colony there and ends up the train her husband and then having to make amends for that. And it is a movie that is a real solid 30s,

we be, there's a lot of, there's some like, surprisingly funny characters in it, but it's mostly at that high pitch of melodrama level where everyone is about to break into tears at any point. But here's the thing you have to deal with. It's a 30s movie set in China. So while the Chinese characters are not as offensive as they could be, they're just kind of background.

There are no Chinese characters with real agency in it, which is disappointing. But at the same time, you do get, at one point, this kind of art, deco, Buddhist worship ceremony that could only exist in the 1930s Hollywood Backlot Studio. And bears, I'm sure, no relationship to reality, but it looks really cool. So I'll recommend that. The paint did fail. I'll start in Greta Garrow. Hey, I'll do one quick. That's okay for the guest to do one. Yeah, we'll allow it. Thanks, fellas.

This is a rock dock that you can watch on the Amazon Prime streaming service for free. It is called L7 pretend we're dead. The director is Susie Gardner. L7, they're a kind of a all female grunge punk band from the late 80s, early 90s. Guys, guys, my first ever, my first ever music festival was a Lala Paloza were L7 played and they were amazing. Oh, yeah.

Did they interview you for the documentary? They did. There's a lot of Stewart Stewart is all over this thing. Like a 14 year old Stewart's on there and it's amazing for 15. I can't remember what year it was. Yeah, they are, you know, they were maybe a little bit lost to history maybe more famous in England They were in America and But yeah, this is a great documentary. I was only kind of

Familiar with them and I love the whole thing awesome music Great kind of footage from kind of East LA punk clubs in the 80s Time when you usually saw like hair metal on the sunset strip. This was kind of East LA punk clubs in the 80s, time when you usually saw like hair metal on the sunset strip. This was kind of the flip side, already performance art punk rock side of it. Yeah, great stuff, great music, cool band, each check out, bye.

All right. Well, we'll give you a message on someone's voice. Yes, yeah, and yeah, just give me a call when you can or a text. I'm gonna be around later tonight. Bye HMU, baby All right, uh, so I guess before we go Jordan do you have anything you want to plug? Oh God give me the strength of Samson Now I'm just covering up. Oh, great. Oh, great.

Oh, great. I'm ready. Jordan. Bubble. It's a sci-fi comedy on MaximumFund.org. A lot of your favorite. How many folks are in it? It's a lot of fun.

We worked hard. Sorry for all the plugs. Jordan, I think you'll like it. Jordan, you got one of the fucking doughboys on that shit, right? Fuck that. If I had a chance to meet Judy Greer, Judy Greer. Oh wow, holy shit. Yeah. Yeah, we get Judy Greer from Jurassic World.

Let me just caution, Dan made it sound like if you listen to bubble, you're entered into some kind of contest to meet Judy Greer. That is not the case, but she is in it. Yeah, although we got John. That's a promotional thing that Jesse Thorne could probably set up, right? Yeah, I mean, I feel like it would be pretty pretty pretty. The bubble. She was nice enough to come in and do a voice. I don't think so. I think I think I heard into a win a date with Judy think maybe the best way you get is like Judy Greer waves to you as she drives by. Maybe that would be the best thing.

Yeah, I could probably set up a wave or she can text you something maybe or I can text you. It's Jordan text. It's Judy Greer. Hello, I'm Judy Greer. Listen to the book and you're entered into a contest to win a chance to watch Jurassic World at home and pretend you're talking to Judy Greer when she's on screen. Yeah, sure. And you'll wish she had a little more to do in the movie as always. I mean, that's the

duty wish. Wish she had more to do in the movie. The Judy Greer story. Yeah, hopefully you'll listen to her in bubble and say she had a lot to do get a good amount She's only one episode. That was a more time-constraint thing to know Sidelighting her. I'm sorry. Anyway, yeah, got a lot of other fun folks in it John Hodgman Martin Star, Tony Newsom, Helen Hong, one of the deal boys Mike Mitchell Yeah, a litany of fun folks do voices and I think it is Mike Mitchell, yeah, a litany of fun folks do voices and I think it's something cool, kind of a genre matchup that I think the flop fans would like. All right. There you are.

And it gave you an excuse to be on our dumb show. It's really fun. It's yeah. Oh, it's so fun. I love being on the flop house. That's exactly what I thought when I was watching Samson. I'm like, I'm so glad I'm doing this. So happy I'm doing this. As you, through Gritted Teeth, as you angrily whittled a stick with a big knife, so glad I'm watching Samson. All right. You've gone for so long.

We should say goodbye. We have to have Versaille on ourselves and Uncle Jesse just into the room watch the hair Who guys I think we all need to cut it out Joey Now let's clean everything up. It's Danny Tanner to what? Dan now you're Michelle your famous Michelle impression Michelle impression. You've got it, dude. No, Dan doesn't.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm getting you. You got it, dude. Okay. No, no, no, Dan, Jordan already took Michelle. Now you've got to be Stephanie or DJ. DJ doesn't have a catch phrase, so be Stephanie. You know what it is, Dan? It's a rude.

You said it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can pretend, say it in the form of a question like you don't know. Come on. There's Stephanie Tanner. Dan and I watched most of Fuller House while putting together a puzzle one night. That's true. Why?

That's the kind of more Sam Fuller has to take care of all this kids. I think it was really badly. Anyway guys, maybe we should say good night. All right for the flop house. I've been damn McCoy Hey, you know, it's do we're willing to Elliott Kaelin saying goodbye and hi for next time I'm Jordan All right Get a work Jordan. Goodnight everyone.

Thanks guys. Thanks for being here Jordan. Thanks for joining us. We're going to listen to Bubble and Goodnight. Dooses. On this episode we discuss Samson. The luggage company. That's Samson The luggage company That's Samson I'm stupid what?

All right, let's do another one who's gonna talk I've got one Oh, it's got one in the fucking chamber. I didn't want to try. Yeah. I got I got a bit I got a shell in the chamber. Let's go on This episode we discuss, Samsung. The chilling true story of the son of Sam Killer. It's a little bit of a thinger. Yeah, that's a little... Can I do one? Just for fun.

On this episode we discuss, Samsung. The extreme biblical epic that says, the meek will inherit these nuts. Can I do one? Yeah, okay. On this episode we discuss, Samsung. The vegetarian version of hamson. Okay, I've got one too.

Sam is the vegetarian version of Sam. It's not ham. All right, dude. Now I got one. All right. On this episode we discuss, Samson. The movie that dares to ask the question, what if the great heroes of Jewish myth weren't that Jewish?

It's a theme I'll be hitting. All right. I like that one or Jordan's one. We'll see which one wins that. Well, you're insane, but that's okay. You didn't have to call it out like that. Yeah, you didn't have to drag me right before I had to perform. Okay, which one's yours?

I'll do it more. On this episode we discuss, Samsung. And Delilah will have to see!