The Flop House - Ep. #270 - Interview with the Vampire

Episode Date: November 10, 2018

Remember that surprisingly well-defined contest Elliott spearheaded a few episodes back? Well the contest winner decided what we should watch, and it was Interview with the Vampire. Will we fall victim to its bloodsucking charms? Meanwhile, Elliott apologizes to goths, Stuart lists a few Ecks vs. Sever sequels, and Dan disputes the very premise of the movie. Wikipedia synopsis for Interview with the Vampire Movies recommended in this episode: First Man The Night Comes for Us Save the Tiger

On this episode we discuss, interview with The Vampire. Also known as Frilly Sleeves to the flop house. I'm Dan McCoy. I'm steward Wellington. And I'm Elliott Kaelin having survived. Shocktober. And now being in not scary November. Uh-huh. So. Yeah. So what are we watching not scary November Dan? It's not themed.

I mean, we're back to our usual regular schedule programming. Uh-huh. So we watched a movie that wasn't scary. What was it? Oh, that's true. We didn't watch the interview with the vampire. Oh, scary movie. What?

Ah, this is supposed to be not scary November. I mean, what? Scary movie. What? This is supposed to be not scary, no, member. I mean, it wasn't that scary. It was, wow, for you, maybe. Spoiler alert, someone didn't find it eerily spookifying or whatever the stupid thing is we do in Shucktober. See, Dana's become so desensitized by edging himself through horror movies through his life. Yeah.

Anything that doesn't involve toenails being ripped out of somebody's toes and then shoved in their eyes, he's like, ho hum boring. Now, what is it? What is horror movie edging? Because like, what would a horror movie orgasm be? Well, you better make sure this is an old excerpt. I mean, it's, it's Hellraiser 2, right? Oh, okay.

I mean, I've, I've seen it a couple of times. It'll help some bragging. Yeah. Now, how razor two was lost in New York, right? Yeah. Yeah. That's the one we got. The razor, the razor caper. Yeah. It's got that depressing Donald Trump feel like I've came in. And how razor two secret the ooze would actually be pretty fitting. Yeah. Yeah, that's a good, actually that's a pretty good description. Yeah. It's,

it's all the ooze is pretty much just blood. Also electric boogaloo is in that far from the truth either. Yeah. Yeah. I do think of a boogaloo when I think of Hellraiser II. I mean, when you're deep in it, you're like, oh wow,

this is definitely a boogaloo. And it's an electric. It's electric for sure. It's not one of those old analog boogaloo's that doesn't have electricity. Yeah. No. So yeah, what do we do in this here, podcast? Well, we watch a bad movie, and then we talk about it, but we did it a little differently

this time. LA explain why are we watching this movie? We tried a little experiment this time. We wanted to let you, the listeners, just help us decide what the flop house should do, because let's be honest, we're not always that great at deciding what movie we want to do. Often it is based on what the shortest running time is because we're lazy. So we decided, let's outsource that to the flop house fans. And we had a contest, well like a couple months ago,

where people tweeted with the hashtag flop house. And one lucky listener who tweeted that was basically picked at random. And he got to choose a movie. And so it was chosen by Christy last name withheld, a listener on Twitter. Because that's a lot of content. Christy. Christy, I'm sorry.

It's okay. Look, we all make mistakes in life and Stuart Stuart, we're not the son of the horror. That's the biggest mistake I make today, even. I will be impressed. And we asked Christie why she chose this movie, Interview with the Vampire. And here's what she said. She said, hi, peaches.

Thanks for selecting me for the contest because the current state of the world and my own personal emotional difficulties over the past year, sorry to hear that, Christie. I've been indulging myself with nostalgia as part of this exercise and never leaving my couch, I recently re-watched Interview with the vampire.

Just a note, I read it like that because all the vampires have accents like that in the movie, right? Yeah. Yeah. I'm Tom Cruise. Oh wow, that's, yeah, that's pretty meta, but I like that scene.

I hope you enjoyed my performance in far and away with my then-v, Nicole Kidman. Anyway, that's me interrupting my own self. She said, I recently re-watched Interview with the Vampire. It came out my senior year in high school. So my friends and I were perfectly poised to be very cool and mature and see a sexy vampire movie. How can you resist?

Tom Cruise in a blonde wig, Christian Slater, and Brad Pitt. That was a wig. You thought that they just showed him a ghost until his hair got light. That was some slammer jam, a level wigs, huh? We were shocked and delighted. The violence felt bonkers at the time. Then you throw in some fun period costumes

and light homo-roticism. I would argue with the phrase light homo-roticism. I never hooked. Plus, Kristen Dunst is kicking ass opposite. Two who could be downright do-fiat times. Teens today honestly don't appreciate what they have with their sexy vampire options, so this one is for the 90s kids. Good parts are good, but the bad parts are so silly. It's definitely a movie I kind of love, so listening to you guys discuss it would be

rad. On a personal note, I would like to thank the Flapphouse Max Fun and the community around it for all the support over the past year. Listening to the show and talking to other fans and she says hey moonies I know what that means as truly helped me get through the roughest time of my life and I love you all so thanks Christy Thank you for taking the Conses. I'm a part of the colar of eyes. Oh, so she got married at a stadium with with all the other people who from the owners of the Washington times I guess yeah, I believe moonies are fans of the Mac tonight character from McDonald's

I believe Moones are fans of the Mac tonight character from McDonald's. But who is it? That would be everybody in America. We all love that character. I just briefly flashed on the inevitable deviant art of Mac tonight and disturbed me. Yeah, you glimpse things that man wasn't meant to know. It was a real hell razor too. So so we took that recommendation and we watched interview with the Wampai all. Uh-huh. That's how they say it. Which is a movie I have to admit I had never seen before. Yeah, you guys have not seen this man either of said seen it and I'd seen it a couple times. So really. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Clearly, you know why having seen it recently.

I tried to read the N Rice novel, but I found it so overheated and just purple prose that I was like, I threw it across the room after a couple of chapters. Uh-huh. Yep, to lay in a heap with the other books that you've discarded. Such as how to win friends and influence people. I actually did read that book when I was a kid. Zen and the other art of motor cycle maintenance. Yeah.

There's two good lessons in how to win friends and influence people. It's the same two lessons over and over again, which is remember people's names. Yeah, I didn't learn that one. I'm very bad at that one. And also, if you want help, if you want somebody to help you with something, tell them how, why helping you, that you, is going to help them get what they want. Oh, that makes sense.

Anyway, and he says that over and over again, with lots of examples. Now, guys, okay, Dan. Yeah. I had a joke about Anne Rice's name, what I was going to say, but I feel like we've gotten past it. Should I still say it? Or should I just?

I mean, I feel like now you've brought the, maybe, maybe, maybe stretching halt again. So maybe, Dan will just edit it back where it was supposed to be. Yeah. So why don't you just grip it and rip it, dude? So, so okay, I'm going to say this and then you cut it out using the edit function of whatever program you use, grocery, and or sounds, sounds, clutch or something and then move it back.

Okay, guys, my iPhone got all wet, and I put it in a bag of Ann Rice books, and it didn't help at all. Okay. Actually. Okay. Okay. Okay, so just keep all the laughter and edit that

and put it back earlier when you mentioned Ann Rice. Okay, then. Yeah, sure. Okay. And actually just edit, take that laughter I I just did and just, just place that in. Just the end. Whatever. Yeah, just pepper it. That's good, that's good laughter.

Yeah, yeah. It's like in the old Dean Martin's roast TV shows, they would shoot, they just used random footed, what? Wait, somebody roasted Don Martin. I thought he was a great cartoonist. Oh boy. No, no, no. They would do these TV shows thought it was a great cartoonist. Oh boy. No, no, no. They would do these TV shows where it was roasted famous people.

And they had this one shot of Jimmy JJ Walker laughing, and they would just cut that in wherever they needed to shot somebody laughing. So you're like, this guy loves all the comedians. Yeah. Okay. Interview with the vampire. So the year is 1990 something. I don't know. I think it came

out in 94 right? 94. Okay. Jurassic Park, AD one. So it was one year after Jurassic Park. So San Francisco, that's the city where an and Christian Slater is a reporter who's interviewing Brad Pitt who says that he's a vampire. Now, this is the first thing that I found at Explicable in this movie because apparently because apparently at the beginning of the interview, why is this later? The movie's called Interview with the Vampire. What's inexplicable about it? At the beginning of the movie,

Christian Slater apparently does. We're supposed to believe a vampire will go on record, not as active as you. No, no, no. When they start the interview, Christian Slater does not know that Brad Pitt is a vampire. So I'm not quite clear why Christian Slater is interviewing this guy.

Like he said that he followed him. He seemed interesting. And he had these tape recorder at the ready to just like record a guy that he found interesting. Now, Dan, I've seen. This is pre-podcast, too. So. Oh, that's good point.

I have two explanations for you. One either Christian Slater is a kind of Joseph Mitchell type around and about the city reporter. Okay. Just kind of like just Joseph Mitchell author of the stories in the book up in the old hotel. You just kind of goes and finds interesting characters and interviews them and then writes about it. Or your reporter for local San Francisco newspaper, Brad Pitt starts following you. A major movie star.

Yeah, I say I want to interview me. Yeah, an exclusive interview with Brad Pitt, yeah, star of California. Yeah, of course. Yeah, I'm not going to turn that down. Thank you guys. And he's going to have a movie to work again. And he's dressed to the nines. And he has a ponytail.

What? I guess he is. He is worthy of interview then. He has very handsome. Let's not forget that. I can only assume that and based on his figure nail length, he's probably a magician. Oh right.

He's got stories. I can only assume. Or he just likes good things. And also like not to not to jump ahead too much, but like throughout this entire movie, Brad Pitt's character, Lewy, without really doing anything seems to draw everyone to him. Like, there's some kind of inexplicable quality, or maybe it's just his natural beauty and moral code

that makes everybody want to be around him. And maybe that Christian Slater got pulled into that same level of charm. All right. He is a creature of the night. I do have to buy into it to buy into the rest of the film. So, I would like to try to get a dragon and complaining about the magic. Yeah, Dan is like, I'll buy that they're vampires.

They're immortal creatures who eat human beings and suck blood. But that, anyone would want to interview Brad Pitt. I'm sorry. I can't admit the character, not that Brad Pitt. Yeah, I mean, it's Louis. Now Stuart, yeah, well, that's so the real issue is that he might start masturbating in front of us, since it's Louis.

But now, no, it's real. Thank you. Yeah, a little bit. Now, Dan, Stuart has put his finger on the main weakness with the movie, which we'll just say, I had a time when she said, Brad Pitt's Louis character is not much of a character. Everyone's drawn to his purity, they keep saying, but really he's just kind of like a depressed, like, boo, boo, boo.

But here's the thing, he may be a black hole of a character, but black holes have an inescapable gravity that things are drawn to. Mm. Oh, Elliot was working on that one all night. Yeah. Yeah. I was doing the math.

I was doing it all night doing the math. And my wife was like, come to bed. And I'm like, no, I've just got to do this. I think I can do this. I've got a beautiful mind this. I've got string across the room connecting all these pictures. Okay. So Brad Pitt tells his story.

He starts back in 1791 in Louisiana back when the big easy, and it was still part of the French Empire, but it's the big easy. We're not quite the big easy. He's a plantation outside of New Orleans. he is a widower who hate lost to childy hates his life he's trying to gamble his life away but he just can't seem to get killed and it happens even less after vampire tom cruise stocks him and turns him into a vampire with what i can only describe as a flying orgasm bite uh... he gets a bit and it's like the most amazing it's like he is it's super

pain but as pinhead told us, there's a thin line between pain and pain. Oh, yeah, totally. I don't want to, T-Rea-Los, right off the bat yet again, but this was question number two I had about the movie, which is, it's an interview, Dan, bring on the questions, yeah. Well, the stat doesn't seem to care for anybody. So why did he decide randomly to turn this guy

into a vampire to hang out? I mean like that's the whole point of the story Yeah, that's the whole like the whole so you have to so you have to buy into the idea that Brad Pitt is a Magnetic personality, but Lestat is very clearly looking for a partner in crime Uh-huh The whole the movie is about loneliness essentially and always seems to kind of like about loneliness essentially. That mean,

we always seem to kind of like judge his own worth by his power over others. So he needs somebody like Louie, and he didn't quite realize what he had on his hand. Okay, because like, I'd not to jump ahead, but these like, my other question is like, these dudes seem to hate each other, but they hang out for a long time.

Damn. Yeah, maybe 11 years. Yeah, they're, Dan,'m going to break it to you. These guys are gay. Okay. And oftentimes, I think it appears... Wait, what makes you say that? Well, they see their men who are in love with each other.

But let's say that it is the 18th century. It is not okay to be openly gay. You find another gay guy, even if you don't get along that well, you're going be together like you just want a companion you want someone to be in love with your options are. The limited let's just let's just describe it with the name of the best or the limited. Okay, so this so they're gonna they you know he's looking for someone that he can make some kind of connection to a rainbow connection you might say again, Terrible joke, terrible joke. But it's so, but Tom Cruise says, I'm gonna give you a choice. Either I eat you or you will get eternal life

and the world will be super exciting and magical and he goes, yeah, okay, do it. And he drinks Tom Cruise's blood, because that's how you turn into vampires. The vampire feeds you their blood. Yeah. And at this, so much of the movie is voice over from Brad Pitt that is so like florid and purple prozi, it's like a radio play almost.

And let me tell you this, I think I saw this movie at the right time in my life guys, because if I had seen this when it had first come out, I would have been like, oh, this is lame, it's so cheesy and stupid. But watching it now, I'm like, I love it. I love that the language is so impenetrabley thick. And like, it's so over the top of Mel dramatic I was like yes, please more of this. I feel like I like to imagine that Elliott would have watched this movie and then grown his hair out and become like a super goth

Like that would be in like the butterfly vaccines where Ethan Supli's character has like a crazy flock of Seagulls haircut or something so I'd like to be in that butterfly effect world. I mean, when I was in college, I was once walking down the street in New York and a guy walked towards me is two guys who were dressed up like vampires and they had cat-sci contact lenses in so that they had like weird eyes

and they had fake fangs in. And it's clear they were, this was not Halloween, it was not a prank. These guys thought they looked like the shit, like walking around dressed like vampires. And one of them looked at me and made like a scary face and I burst out laughing. Because that guy's just trying to find himself anyway. So if that guy's listening, I apologize. And you and real quick, and you you haven't read the books either, Elliot, right? Because I have I haven't read the books. No, I've never read them. I'm curious now. I'm more curious about them But I have much more of a patience for that kind of purple prose as voiceover than in writing

I've found okay, which is one of the reasons that I'll as much as I like HP Lovecraft I'll start reading his books not be like his stories and I'll be like whoo, okay You're gonna tell me what's gonna happen or you're gonna keep describing how old all the buildings are forever I mean, I'll take that over some of the the the less cool stuff or you're going to keep describing how old all the buildings are forever. I mean, I'll take that over some of the, the, the, the less cool stuff, like the, the weird racer shit. No, no, certainly, I'm not saying it's the worst thing about HV love. I don't know. I mean, I think he's singled it out as big. I said, I'm just doing a little virtue signaling here. If he has, if he has one flaw and he does it, it is that he spends too much time describing buildings.

Now, if you want to check out the books, just go over to the corner and dance discarded book pile and pick it up. Just dig through there, find all those books about what frying before you were into baking, you were really into frying and to get those. Yeah. Just dig through all the used up pornography,

which has had the life sucked from it, much like a vampire with its victim. Yeah. And anyway, so now Brad Pitt, Louis, now that he's had that. I always kind of felt like used up pornography would be more like a horror crux and be imbued with emotional energy as opposed to desiccated, but that's me.

But go on, Elliot. Okay. Now, now, Louis, now that he's a vampire, suddenly he can see the life inside of the world. He has this like greater set way of seeing what things are imbued with life. So a statue kind of winks at him, or something like that, what happens? Yeah, that's, yeah, looks as I, that plays an important part later in the movie.

Yeah, that's never really addressed again, but he can see like moving statues. He's just like, cool, that statue can move. And it's weird, it's weird to try and show extra human perception by just adding like a weird special effect. Yeah. Uh, but, uh, Brad Pitt tells Christians later, crosses don't hurt them, stakes through the heart don't hurt them. Their vampires, they do need to drink blood and they do sleep in coffins.

So like the things that would hurt a vampire are not around, but the cool morbid stuff they still have to do. Why do they sleep in a coffin? I don't know that can easily sleep in a four-postor bed that shuts out the sunlight. You know, just sleep in a sleeping bag zipped up over your head. Nope. Got to be in a coffin. And let's just say this about Tom Cruise.

He is loving playing this part or seems to be at least. Oh man. Like not to jump ahead, but like he is making a this part or seems to be at least. Oh man, like not to chump ahead, but like he is making a meal of this role. Yeah, I gotta say, while it was happening, I was like, I don't know if I like this performance, but then as soon as he leaves the movie, I got a lot more bored. Yeah, yeah, no, he-

I think he's not like that performance. And I remember at the time, I was just, if you want it, I was like, is this too much? Is this not too much? Like I just couldn't kind of get a beat on it. But I came down on the side of liking it. Obviously, if I got bored after he left. Well, this movie had such like a troubled production

and it went through, like it was almost made in the 70s and then like so many different actors had been approached for this role and then when Tom Cruise finally took it like I Guess like fans were up in arms and rice would not watch the movie and disavowed it and then years later Saw the movie on VHS and wrote a milletter of apology, which makes me kind of happy Yeah, because like he fucking goes for it man, and he's good Like it's it's a reminder that Tom Cruise is a fucking movie star. Like there's a reason why the Tom Cruise

that just falling out of helicopters and hurting himself for him, like that he can actually be a character. And he's so like, like he's making the most of this, this over the top. I mean, come on, he's a decadent, a feat vampire in the 18th century, who like, he's like laughing all the time and biting open rats and pouring their blood into wine glasses.

Like, he has to have fun with it, or else what's the point of this character? Yeah. And he's supposed to be the dramatic opposite to Louis who is Mel and Collie and just looks unhappy to be in this movie, which Once again, according to I'm to be trivia, Brad Pitt was very unhappy to be in this movie Oh, I just think which I can understand because Brad Pitt is stating there on he's on set watching Tom Cruise have a great time And he's supposed to play this character who basically exists just to be like, I don't want to eat people

I want to be a good guy. Oh, why am I so why do we have to be like, I don't want to eat people. I want to be a good guy. Oh, why am I so, why do we have to be evil? Let's start. Come on. Why are my stats so low? If I ate more people, I'd gain experience for it. So he is, so you can understand why Brad Pittett, he isn't given that much to do except just kind of like, not even Skowl. Just kind of look at things in person's lips and basically be like a walking underwear model

and like we're like interview with the moat pyre am I right? uh... uh... let's uh... let's do another pass on that one ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I mean, interview with the WAMPire is probably. Oh, there it goes. Stuart got it. Stuart cracked that one. Uh, the, although if it was interview with the WAMPire, you might think it was about George Mike.

Oh, man, that would have been like, you know, if this movie had been made what, 10 years earlier, that would have been great. Uh, uh, the, uh, but like, just looking at him wearing those fucking contacts, I'm like, that can't feel good. No, yeah.

I'm sure he was very uncomfortable, but so basically you have your dynamic, which is Tom Cruz loves killing people, loves eating them. He's decadent. He loves that love and I can't believe it took you this long to get to there. So basically Tom Cruz rules Brad Pitt rules in terms of having fun being a vampire. And Brad Pitt's like, why do we have to be bad? He throws Tom Cruise around in a fight with very obvious wire work, that it looks hilarious. Where it looks a little bit like he's pushing Tom Cruise on a swing in the middle of a dark

forest. Okay. Yeah, no, I'm going to do it. Now Brad Pitt, we should have mentioned up to this point. He's the hero of the movie. He also owns a plantation and is a slave owner. Oh, guys, this is kind of a footnote in the movie that really nowadays I think would be more problematic to present that the good guy hero of the movie owns human beings.

And so people would be less sympathetic toward him. I think so. And more sympathetic to Lestat who as far we know, is more of an urban cosmopolite and does not own slaves. Although he seems to have no real issue with it. I guess what I'm saying is there's no scene where they enlist in the Civil War to fight on the side of the Union. This is not the opening title sequence to X-Men Origins Wolverine.

Sorry guys. So Brad Pitt slaves, they realize the truth and they start doing a bunch of voodoo ceremonies. This part of the movie doesn't has not aged particularly well. Yeah. And Brad Pitt breaks down and kills the one slave that really seemed to like him for him. Played by, played by a young Tandy Newton. Mm-hmm. No.

And I'll to be honest, Tandy Newton still seems pretty young. Yeah, she's incredible. Yeah. She's just ageless. Maybe she's a vampire. Okay, I guess we have to go killer. Oh, I guess the three of us. This is my, I guess this is my... The most vampire killer.

It's a possibility. Yeah. Now, cut to us being found by the police with a dead Tandy Newton. And we're just like, guys, let's explain. And I think you're gonna agree. I guess we had to do. So like, and the party has for you.

The arresting officers very hairy. And I'm like, I'm pretty sure he's a wearable man. The dance like here we go. Yeah. Yeah. Oh boy. Cut to critics. In a fit of shame, a listot tells the slaves,

you're free and then burns his own house down. Not the first time Lestat was in the house. That's Lui, right? Lui, not Lestat. Oh, sorry. Lui, not Lestat. I'm sorry, Lui. Not the first time Lui will burn down a building,

but Lui burns his own house down and Lestat is miffed. He's like, oh, our stuff was in there. Which is basically what he says. He's like, we don't have any stuff now. They go to what do Orleans now. And Lestataz always like, Louis you should kill some people. Louis's like, no, I'm just gonna keep eating rats and chickens.

And I think the funny thing is eating the blood of chickens is presented as like disgusting. Who would do that? I eat chicken all the time, guys. Look. The blood. Yeah, do you have like blood sausage made of chicken? Like I don't understand.

No, that's true, but the idea of eating a chicken isn't crazy. I don't think it's for, for like, it's not like it's offered, Nelly, it turns it down. I think it was available. He'd be chomping on that shit. It's true. I try it, but so Louis just happens to be out wandering in a neighborhood that was hit by the plague, which I guess was a thing that was just ravaging New Orleans in the late 18th or really 19th century. Dan, the bubonic plague.

Yeah, the bubonic plague. I have no idea whether this is accurate to life. Also, they're all speaking English in the city, but it was still a French city at the time, right? Because this is before the Louisiana Purchase, but anyway, we don't need to get into that. He finds a little girl whose mom has died and he bites the girl and then he runs off guilty. He's like, I shouldn't have tried to feed off that little girl,

but the side is like, this is great. I love it. Finally, you're embracing being a vampire. You're like getting it, dude. I love it. You're finally getting it. And then he gives that little girl blood and she turns into Kiersten Dunst.

That little girl, Claudia, or she's, you know, she's that little girl blood and she turns into Kiersten Dunst. Yeah. That little girl, Claudia, or she's, you know, she's a little girl vampire now and he's like, look, I want to give you someone to hang out with. She's going to be our daughter now. And again, this is an earlier time when things were not as just and civil rights were not as evenly distributed.

You were a gay couple. This was the only way you could have a child was to be a vampire and turn a child into a vampire. And that was it. It's sad. I'm glad that we don't live in that world anymore. Also, we don't live in a world where the plague just ravages whole neighborhoods.

And people are just like, don't go over there. That's a plague neighborhood. Should we try to save anybody? Nah, that place is, that part of town is dead. If you know what I mean. Let's go to the downtown art scene. There's so much stuff going on. Why are you hanging out in the plague district? I don't know. I just

thought maybe we should help those people. There's so much fun stuff going on downtown. It's really been revitalized. Was it the river walk now? Was this from the Rees on it? Was this the scene from the first draft where they had a really Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like, we need to really make sure that this town is a character in and of itself. Yeah. Where, Luis, like, he gets into a, he gets into it in Uber. And it's like, take me to the plague district. And the guy's like, plague district.

It's interesting. Well, what do you do? Anyway, I drive Uber, but that's not all I do. I'm a rapper and I have my own company. Let me tell you all about it. And Luis, like, oh God, why did I take an Uber? Why didn't I just like take the bus? Then I wouldn't have to talk to anybody.

So I guess one of the things is Louis is me in that scenario. So Claudia, instantly super into sucking people's blood. She loves being a vampire. And she loves being a little girl who can kill people. I mean, she has the amorality of youth, I would say. Very well put, very well put. Very well put, Dan. Describe that.

Paint me a word picture. Kind of an rice it up. Give me some more purple prose about it. Oh, she is a natural predator. I don't know. She, why do you, I said it concisely. Why don't I have to say it less concisely now? Expand on this idea.

Well, I would just just taken by it. Anyway, my favorite part of her, she gets her own little coffin. Yeah. But she still gets out of the coffin and goes and sneaks into Louis Big Coffin, like a little kid who wants to get it together with their parent.

It's super cute. Time passes, they don't grow up. Claudia doesn't grow up. She never changes. And eventually, she even, she tries to cut her hair and her hair grows back instantly. But if you don't see it grow back,

so she cuts her hair and then runs out of the room and runs back in her hair is full length. And I just wish they had kept in what I assume was an amazing effects shot of all this spaghetti hair just growing out of Kristen does skull, I'm even hilarious. I wanna say at this point that Claudius, I think my favorite character,

because she has like a character motivation for the way she is. You know, Louis is just mopey because he's mopey and Lestad is just mean because he's mean. But Claudia is this young girl who's trapped in a young girl's body even though she ages, you know, hundreds of years over the course of the film. That's all. And she's frustrated by that. If you consider the tragedy of Louis and compared to the tragedy of Claudia, she has a reason to be Moopy.

Yeah. I mean, Louis has a reason to be Moopy at the beginning of the movie, but then after a while, you're like, get over it, dude. Yeah. Yeah, Batman. You don't have to hang out.

Batman, get over your parents' death. It's a random act of violence. It happens in the city. You're saying that Lui does not have to, this shouldn't feel like he has to spend his time hanging out with someone who makes him do things he doesn't like at all. Exactly.

Yeah. Now, here's my question. Here's something I've always wondered about stories where young people, I mean, I feel the same way about the vampire in near dark. I have a question about that, the kid vampire and that, where if you stay as a kid, then the hormones that cause you to start growing up

and being a crazy person before you're an adult, they shouldn't kick in, right? So wouldn't a kid who's a kid all the time just love being a kid? Wouldn't, aren't they living the Toys Arrest fantasy? They don't wanna grow up, don't wanna grow up. They wanna be a Toys Arrest kid. Yeah, isn't Claudia a Toys of Russ fantasy, they don't want to grow up, don't want to grow up, they want to be a Toys of Russ kid. Yeah.

Isn't Claudia a Toys of Russ kid then? Well, she's certainly like dolls. A lot of people. A lot of people. Yes, that's really. So, I wonder, I always wonder if a kid stuck forever would actually want to grow up, or if they would be fine just like being a kid forever. But I guess they'd probably get bored of like not being able to go to restaurant or

to their own food. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I think, I think a lot of kids want to be adults or at least, they want the things that they're not available to them, right? Yeah, I mean, there's like an out of pocket of seeing of this adult nude woman, I guess bathing or changing about your old pocket. It evoked your response in me, but Claudia sees it. She's like, that's what I want. That's what I want to be that. And I found it, you know, affecting. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that's, it's one of those, the New Orleans of the movie is a place where nude women are always bathing in front of open windows. Yeah. Just because it's that

kind of place. Yeah. Well, I mean, New Orleans is certainly not associated with nudity now. Yeah, that's a good point. Good point. I retract what I said. People are, it's Marty girl all the time. People just nude in front of window all the time. And Claudia's like, Louis, we need to leave Lestat.

Like he's a bad dude. Let's get out of here. And she tricks Lestat into drinking blood from a corpse, which weakens him. You're a vampire. She never drink dead blood, which I don't remember if that was a rule that they mentioned earlier in the movie.

It kind of felt like they made it up in the moment, but maybe I missed something earlier. And then she cuts his throat and they dump his body in a swamp. Whoa, this, that was a, that was a, that was a fun scene. I think after she gets his throat and he's like turned into a little raisin and, uh, and then she makes, and then she makes, and like, he bleeds like a ton of blood in him.

Yeah. He's like all the blood he's drank for the week just comes out of him. It's kind of, it is just spilling over. It's kind of interesting because previously, anytime, like when you morph into a vampire or if you get injured in any way, they immediately heal and when they like heal, the blood disappears, which is kind of weird. It's kind of a weird effect because like, just because their body heals doesn't mean like the blood that's on their skin would clear up, but I guess, you know, it's magic who cares. They have, they have a thing called double dragon isis where a wound or a dead body just, just disappears after some amount of time.

Sometimes it's placed by like a chicken leg. Yeah, I mean, it's just hard to maintain all those sprites like it killed like it's too much, too much memory to use. Exactly. Yeah. And so the throws body in the swamp, but just like in the old song, the stat came back the very next day, looking like a regular castle freak. It's all shriveled and like Georgio. Jump up the window. Yeah. But you better believe

this is one guy who is not ripping off his own ding dong. He loves using that ding dong. He is all about the pleasures of the flesh, specifically biting into that flesh. But in the melee, after he catches them, he catches on fire. And they burn down seemingly in the entire city of New Orleans, as Louis and Claudia run onto a ship for a year up. And it's, this is where the movie, where there's a lot of the movie lost Ellie because he's like, that is just, that is a civic tragedy that there are heroes of Empowered they also they get on the ship without tickets, I think they just run on a ship And yeah, a guy and a little girl running on a ship. Okay, great

It's that the movie starts having what I would call like lumpy plotting Yeah, I think I've described before where it's like it was a pretty tight tight movie for the most part. And then now it's like, time for them to sojour and around Europe meeting other vampires. And it's like, it starts feeling like an old melodrama movie where the plot is not super organized the way we're used to now. And it's like, it reminded me a lot of the movie now, Voyager, where it's like, okay, this character's just

going around doing different things and having different personal developments. Yeah. But like, this is not- I mean, it's like, okay, this character is just going around doing different things and having different personal developments. But like, this is- I mean, it's the sort of thing you would often see in a novel where there's, you know, the buildup of action, then there's the law, and it's another buildup, right? But also, I feel like this movie is fairly plotless in the sense that there's no goal that anyone is working towards. It's just kind of like people lawing about for centuries.

This is basically the critique that Christian Bales character would give him at the end of the story, right? It's like, where's the plot? Yeah. Yeah, Christian Slater at the end is like, I'm just going to erase all these tapes. He wasn't an up there to throw us for me. There wasn't really a through line here. And he throws, this is the original ending is he throws the tape side of his car window and then and then a homeless woman is is sneaking around

through the garbage with the tapes landed and she picks one up and she goes, oh, and then you see that's Anne Rice. And where do you see that? Maybe it's written on the back of her name tag on her like her mom wrote and rice on a tag on her mittens the case. She turns she turns to Don Amici and she goes, we're back. All right. All right. So, man, I'm glad Don Amici got a little extra work.

Yeah, yeah. So they go to Europe. They're looking around for other vampires. Although in their voiceover, he says he's looking around for the vampires. They mainly just go to fancy parties, but that's the thing is is that Once he's not doing it. She's the one doing the looking and he just kind of hangs out He's he's not the most he's a pretty I mean this is a 90s movie and that Louis is an incredibly slackery vampire. He's just like, whatever. I don't know. Like, this is a vampire.

I could totally see hanging out in a 7-11 parking lot while his friends try to do cool skate tricks and keep going down. And he's like, whatever. Hey, Louis, why don't you get up on a board? That would be lame. Ugh. He's like, this sucks to have a regular square job in this booming economy. And Nirvana comes out and he's like, I don't listen to this bubble gum pop.

So anyway, they're in Paris. It's the year 1870. Oh, that's right. It's the beautiful air everybody. And he's just spoiling Claudia rotten. And Louis meets up with some Spanish vampires. They seek him out in an alleyway led by Armon's, played by Antonio Banderas, who before I watched the movie, I didn't even know was in the movie.

So I was very excited to see Antonio Banderas back in his kind of like, what El Marriacci Desparado type period, when he was still a fresh new thing on the American movie scene. It hadn't yet become the grizzled old man that we see now in movies like What Heywire? That's for sure, Sever. Yeah, he hadn't yet become the grizzled old man that we see now in movies like what haywire Yeah, he wasn't he hadn't yet been aged horribly by his terrible experience and experts

is ever I mean that was the it was crazy. C Antonio Banderas at a time when people didn't already have the image of X or seven. Yeah, yeah, what are we gonna what are we gonna get X and sever back on American movie screens guys? What are gonna see that. I mean, Lucy Liu could do it. She's fucking awesome. Yeah. She could fucking direct it for God's sakes. Yeah. I'm not saying that.

I just, you know, I want to see our old friends X and Sever. That's all I'm saying. Okay. Calm down. I mean, the exciting thing about it was that you were finally seeing X and Sever fighting each other in one movie after the X and Sever cinematic universe had been building up to it over like five movies. There was X one, X two, Sever one, X universal winter soldier, Sever two attack of the

double duplicate Severs where there was the evil Sever duplicates. And then finally it was like, oh, finally X and Sever are going to be in the same. Yeah, people were all there was X two and then triple X the third one. Yeah. Yeah. That's the one where he had his brother and his brother's cousin and they were all identical and they were running around trying to stop, I guess, drug dealers and gun runners. Yeah.

And the cook, the thief, his wife and the love. The cook, the thief, his wife and exorcist, that was the original side of the whole. Pretty impressed that I remembered the name of that movie I've never seen. So these vampires all have special powers. There's one play by Stephen Rhea who can walk on a wall, and he went upside down, and he is hilariously goofy. That is the vampire who is like, ugh, you brought him with you, like he's such an irritating vampire. He's basically doing mime rechains the whole time. Yeah, he's such an irritating vampire basically doing my routine the whole time yeah he's like if salacious crumb didn't talk and was a vampire

that's the character he's just an asshole who hangs around in toenail bandarist being irritating uh... and he's doing my routines uh... and only a man there's can i guess read minds or whatever anyway they run this kind of like slapstick grand queen all theater that's all about showing people dying in crazy ways and then at the end of the show They take a real woman on stage and strip her nude and then eat her in front of the audience and the audience is like the effects are Amazing in this show. How did they do that? I really thought they were eating this woman

Armand in his vampire family they live in beneath the theater in their catacombs and There's a scene where they invite Louis to feed from a little boy's hand and Louis tries and then gets embarrassed and I was like I don't understand what just happened. That was some thing of vampire etiquette that I do not know enough about vampire manners to understand. Yeah, I'll let you borrow my vampire the masquerade source books so you can learn about it. I would appreciate it. It was like sometimes you'll watch like a foreign movie like a movie, and someone will do something and all the characters will laugh,

and you'll be like, I don't understand. Like I don't understand why that was funny. I don't understand what like this is just a foreign culture to me. And in that moment, I guess I was having the experience with vampires, or maybe it's a Spanish thing. I don't know. Guys, did you understand it? Why was it embarrassing that he tried to bite that boy's hand and then nothing happened?

Was it because the boy was a vampire? Like, it's all in there. All of that. I was zoning out during the segment of the movie a little bit because, uh, boy, yeah, it was, there was not enough of a stat in it. So yeah, that's true. And so Armond, he's no list at. He is, Armond is to these characters. What most of the X-Men villains in the 90s were, where they would just show up and say cryptic things and they'd be like,

they're more to this than you even understand. I know more about you than you ever could begin to know. There is another. And then that plot line would never be resolved because nobody cared. That's what Armand is a lot of like riddles and like winking like, he's like, I want answers. And Armand's like, you ask the wrong questions. And it's like, dude, just like fucking tell him, like,

tell him the secrets of being a vampire or something. Come on. But our mom says he's 400 years old. And as far as he knows, there's no such thing as good as a good evil. There's just people and vampires. And that the only crime is for a vampire to kill another vampire. Because vampire law very similar to ape law, ape shall not kill ape and vampires not kill Vampire. And that's why Planet of the Vampires, where it turns out the Charlton Heston goes this planet in small vampires. And at the end, he goes into the garlic zone. That's the version of forbidden zone that they can't go into. Yeah. And he finds the Statue of Liberty and it's got fangs and it's like, oh, this doesn't make sense. I don't understand this. Then he turns the camera and he goes, I am legend. And then Tom Cruise is like legend, starring me, Tom Cruise.

And they're like, oh boy, here we go again, freeze frame credits roll. Join us next week on another exciting adventure of Lestatin' Louie, vampire buddies. I would like to be better from the start. I would have had a good idea. Now guys, let me just put this out there. It's something I hadn't thought about. How different would this movie be if instead of Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt, it was Scott Baeow and Willie Ames

from Zaptoonville and also Charles Jarge playing these vampires? How would this be a different movie? I mean, I mean, I think Willie Ames would have been a different movie? I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean. I mean, that's why the Louis character would be so mopey at that point, is that he doesn't have that power. Now, here's my question. Do you think there's anyone who watched Charles and Charge and thought it was the same characters from Zapt?

And we're like, why is Charles ever used his powers? What's going on here? Yeah, why did they change the name of the show, too? So weird. Yeah, like when I was watching Tom Katz during Cheerio Conno, I'm like, why isn't he sliding everywhere? Or so please. So Claudia is like Armand wants you, Louis, and you're gonna leave me for him and I don't like it

blah blah blah. And Armand tells Louis that Louis is beautiful because he is pure. He still has a mortal soul He has all the passion of a mortal inside the immortal husk of a vampire. And at this point, I was like, really? Cause he seems like the least passionate character in the entire movie. Like every vampire has this kind of shwada vibe, or shwada unveave, that they really like. They're having a great time.

And Louis is sad all the time and our mom's like, no, no, no, no, you're the one who's truly alive. A guy who just stares through walls and doesn't say much and is just like a big, moby mess. Well, I've definitely known, I've known guys who have attracted people because they seem, they've like, projected that air of having some kind of depth or like something and people are always interested in like, oh, I want to date that guy and figure him out. And it turns out, they're not actually,

that guy's not that deep. What's sub tweeting me Stuart? I'm just, I'm working on being nicer than Dan, so I didn't want to say his name. Dan, he projects this aura of like, oh, this guy, he's really contemplating the mysteries of the universe. But then you look inside his mind and it's just like, hmm, cheeseburgers.

Yeah. Yeah, my famous love of cheeseburgers. I basically chuck head. Yeah. That's what we would be. I was wearing. Yeah. I think you're close to the wimpy because you also don't like paying for the cheeseburgers.

He's true. What? Gladly paid you Tuesday. Yeah. I mean, gladly. Now, was Wimpy a con man or do you just have a very strange OCD where he can only pay for hamburgers on Tuesday?

He's like, you know what I'm saying? If I pay for hamburgers on a Wednesday, the world ends. I need to do it on a Tuesday. Maybe let's just wait. I got this payday. Yeah, for his, I don't know, a counting job. Let's say. Yeah, sure.

All right, I believe it. believe that he could be an accountant. That's why I love hamburgers or cheeseburgers so much, because it's like that rich in her life that a guy who has another rice boring life has, you know. Yeah. You can escape into the adventure of hamburgers? Yeah, and by inner life, I mean, the life that the hamburger takes on inside his body. So wait, so in his mind, it is basically that dancing hamburger from, uh, from better off dad, I guess. Yeah. That's every hamburger when it gets into his

belly. Yeah. And when he sings that song instead of everybody wants him, he's saying, Wimpy Wimpy wants some. See his inner life, isn't that bad? Yeah, it's pretty cool. He has a rich imagination. He imagination. He's like, omelie when you think about it. And I don't understand why it wouldn't be, or like the main character from better off dead. Yeah. Well, he was the omelie of his time. Yeah.

So anyway, Claudia is really jealous. And she's like, I want my own playmate. If you're gonna hang out with Armand, and she brings this woman home and says, turn her into a vampire. She's gonna be my new mom or something, or she's the doll I want my own playmate. If you're gonna hang out with Armand, and she brings this woman home and says, turn her into a vampire. She's gonna be my new mom or something, or she's the doll I dress up. I don't know, dude, just turn her into a vampire.

And Louis does it. And he's like sad about it, of course. And then the theater vampires show up and kidnap all three of them. They say, time for justice. And for the death of Lestat, I guess, just because they don't like them. They sentence the two girls, the woman who's just been turning to a vampire, because they don't like them. They sentenced the two girls,

the woman who's just been turned into vampire who I don't even know what her name is. She did? She didn't kill any vampires, by the way. So I don't know why she's getting punished. Oh no, I felt so bad for her because they're like, you two get death by sunlight and they get thrown in a pit.

And when the sun appears over it, they turn into ash and it's really painful. And I'm like, lady, you picked the wrong night to get turned into a vampire. Yeah, like you expected to freeze frame on her face and she's like, you wonder how I got here. Yeah. It's crazy, right?

Well, maybe let me go to the beginning of the story. She's only been a vampire for a couple of hours. She hasn't done to do anything and they're like, you, you're dead now. At first she sees the sun coming and she's like, oh great, there's that thing that doesn't cause me harm. Like what I say when I see the sun. When you look just look straight at it, you're like, oh, what a beauty.

I say other than possibly getting skin cancer, I should be fine, right? There are seven sun gives you its powers, your power is actually. No, so wait, why I must have missed something. Why doesn't Louis get killed at this point? Uh, because, well, they've decided to give him a worst punishment. They're going to lock him in a box for eternity until he goes insane. Ah. And they're saying, and they're like, they're like, maybe it'll take hundreds of years.

Who knows? And I have to admit, if I was, if I was Louis, I would probably take the quick sun death over being locked in a coffin for centuries, unable to move or anything like that. Yeah. And they're so they're gonna lock him in a coffin and then break up the wall, bring a Montiato style.

And so no one's even gonna find him. And then he's like, no, ah, in and this movie I have to say for about three minutes This turns into a Tim Burton movie everyone's at this movie has had a certain lingo or a certain like Romantic like decadent, you know Ease to it and then all of a sudden it's like It picks up for a minute, but it's like, wow, this, it's like they brought Tim Burton in or like they brought a...

Danny Elfman, who's Danny Elfman came up with. Danny Elfman came into the bunch of the score. And he's like, oh yeah, here's something I can do. It really, it feels like they just, it becomes a different movie for a couple minutes. And but also like these vampires that are gonna kill our main characters, their joy is kind of infectious.

After watching Louis moping around being like, oh, I'm a wit blanket for eternity. To see these other vampires being like, we are exacting justice and we are loving it. And we're having a great time. They are, I don't know if anyone's ever described a vampire this way, they are dead and loving it. With just say that.

So yeah, they brick him up and then our other two characters, Claudian, her progeny get totally roasted. And then Antonio Vandera immediately breaks out Louie. Yeah, he just takes down the wall and Louie, you know what he's gonna do next, burn down the theater. Cause how does Louie get out of every problem?

Burn's down the house and just leaves. What's his favorite talking head song, life during wartime, it's not burnin' down the theater because how does Louis get out of every problem burns down the house and just leaves What's his favorite talking head song life during wartime? It's not burning down the house It's strangely enough, but you know what? It's because he really likes the live version that's on the sand in the Vaseline best of collection Yeah, I I kind of like this scene because it was like really goofily gory to like he's like he burns going around Like a sign and like cutting people in twain. So, so wait a minute. So he escapes and everybody's like watching him. Like they're watching him leave.

And then they're like, okay, we'll never see that guy again. Time to note a five minutes late. Let's go to bed and leave the door unlocked. Everyone watches Louis Goe because our mom made the decision. He's the king of the vampires. So he gets to they're like, okay, you can go. Yeah, and then they then they

go to bed. Louis burns down the place and the vampires is very cartoony. They realize they're on fire and burst to their coffins going, oh, he who hot, oh, and each time one bursts out Louis cites them in two. And that's when we learned that Stephen Rhea, I guess has another power that he can be super fast like quick silver. But it doesn't matter. Louis just like cuts him in in twice He's it's like the scene in In was it Ezo where the time traveling samurai cuts that big that huge guy with his sword and the top half just slides right off the bottom half

Yeah, I know we've all seen that movie or like that scene in blade two where that happens to Ron Pearlman He gets cut in half or the scene in 13 ghosts where the guy gets cut in half by the door or you know our go ship where like everyone gets cut out. Go ship. Where the whole world gets cut in half. So but that is it is a fun scene because he's literally just cutting them up with a site and then he walks out and the sun is out. Oh no, I forgot what time of day it was. I forgot that I was standing around here for a while. We don't have wristwatches now.

Yeah, he was blinded by his rage. It makes sense. Yeah, he was literally blinded by the light, revved up like a douce and then he motored in the night. That's what the lyrics are. And to be honest, she blinded him with science. Let's just say that. Body of blinded him with vampire science when she had her turn that other lady into a vampire. I can't support that. Okay. What about that talking head song blind? Dan, you're on top of that,

right? Well, it's from naked. So I'm not really that into it. No, but wait, it's from the soundtrack for the movie naked. Yeah, that's right. What a bummer. I mean, this is Dan is coming out against Nate nudity, which is not something I would ever hear from him. Yeah, Dan, I'm a Dan Pire. And then he's leaving that Simpsons joke. He's like, well, I'll just watch naked lunch. That's gonna be pretty hot. Nothing. Okay. Well. The naked kiss.

No, this isn't any good. Yeah, now I'm trying to try to try to think of other movies with naked. Let me crack open one of these naked juices to drink. Oh, that's a disappointment. trying to think of other movies with naked naked. Let me let me crack open one of these naked juices to drink. Oh, that's a disappointment. Oh, this redesment Mars is the naked ape. I mean, it's a name. It's been still naked, right?

Oh, no, it's just about people. Okay. So guys, our mon shows up in a stagecoach just in time. Fix him up and saves him. But Louis rejects Armand ultimately because Armand has a philosophy of no regret, just live in the moment, dudes. And Louis is like, my regret and my suffering, that's what defines me. That's what drives me. So you know what? No, I will not hang around with you anymore. And he leaves him in, I guess, the private art gallery

that they're hanging out in or backstage at a different theater. I don't know. He just walks away. gallery that they're hanging out in or backstage to different theater. I don't know. He just walks away. Louis returns the United States and really becomes a cineast. He just starts watching movies and hangs out in movie theaters for 80 years, 100 years. He has a real epiphany when he sees the movie sunrise, a song of two humans, and then he just kept talks about how he finally he's able to see the sun again through movies. He's never been able to see it. I have to I have to admit I found this section the sequence genuinely beautiful and moving Yeah, like this thing that he thought was out of his life forever now He can enjoy it by carousel through film now that film has been invented and I wonder and it's like a I don't I'm curious To whether that's in the book or if it's like look we're making a movie here. Let's talk about how great movies are. Like, come on, everybody, it's movies.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. I'm, this was a play for an Academy Award, basically. Yeah. But they're also just, it's funny. Like, they're obviously just showing him watching good movies, but I'm, I don't, I wonder what would be like the first time he encounters a bad film and he's like, oh,

so this, this isn't always good, huh? This is, it was like, It was like when the first anime movie I ever watched was Akira and then I'm like, I have to watch all of these and I went to the local blockbuster and got arms full of all their anime section and was disappointed by many. But now I wish there was a scene now of of Louis sitting in the theater going like watching something going like thumbs down. Like Louis watching like porkeys or something. I like the idea that he's watching

porkeys and is like enthralled by the beauty of porkeys. He goes he goes to see he goes to see joysticks and he says anything assumes that the media must be must be a vampire too. He's like, I must find him. He can walk in the sun, a day walker. Wouldn't it?

It would have been great if it was just like his, the montage of movies that he's watching is like, just shot some like super shitty movies. He's he's he's he's seeing like Ishtar and like, and like, I don't know like that's the old creatures that stop living and became mixed up zombies. But also, I admire their restraint that they did not show him watching Dracula with Bill Legosi and laughing and turning to the other people's theater going, can you believe this guy?

Come on. Can you get this? Yep. And he was like, he's eating blood soaked popcorn, all he's doing it. Weirdly, they just had that at the consensus there. Yeah, it's cool. It was, it was Weirdly, they just had that at the consensus, man. Yeah, it's cool. It was a brief promotion for Dracula.

They thought people, you know, people, they don't want to just watch Dracula, they want to be Dracula. And it was a different time, Dan. People ate different types of foods. It's okay. Sure. Like people were just picking up oysters right out of the bay and eating them. Yeah.

That's what they were doing. They were just picking up horseshoe crabs and chomping on them. Oh, man. Oh, that's like Xanadu. They were just walking into mur woods right outside the city and seeing all those super intelligent apes that escaped from that lab and they just catch one and just roast it over a fire. I just have some apes too. Yeah, man, that sounds great. So, uh, Louie is now also, I wish, now that it kept kept going to after this movie came out and he like, he goes to see the six cents and he spits his popcorn.

I was like, he was dead the whole time. And he's like looking around me like, did you see this? But anyway, I like that sequence, even though the idea it is, yeah, if once you realize, you probably saw some stinker movies in there. Like you've got Louis watching like National Ambulance Christmas vacation. And he's like, they've lost the magic. I'm sorry. But that Randy Quaid, he is going to have a long career.

But that Randy Quaid, he is going to have a long career. Now it's 1988. And Louis, I assume having just gone to vote for George H. W. Bush in the presidential election. He's wandering through a bad part of town. And he kind of stumbles upon a decaying list at who is living in ruins and his, he's just been like living off of, I want animal blood all this time. now he is the rat eater He's always been making fun of Louis for eating rats instead of people now he's eating rats and I'm sorry I don't understand the rules of regeneration in this movie really well each time that each time of empire gets killed He regenerates as a new doctor and now he's a woman. What's that all about? Yeah, it's like shouldn't GB called the nurse?

Oh boy, I'm like, LA, that's, I'm like, LA, that's fucked up. Do you? That's horrible. Why would I say that? It's like a joke you've actually seen around. I'm kind of shocked that I haven't seen that around. I'm not that, I guess, that sprung whole cloth out of my head,

like, never got. You have that inside you, Stewart. Yeah, I know. That's the bad part. Yeah. That's you have to write your memoir, the troll inside me. That's the Mr. Hide in there. Uh, no, I just don't understand like it's been like a hundred years now.

Like, no, Dan, I think you mean it's been one hundred years now. You got to say it, bear naked lady style. I'm not making your disappointed by. Yeah, it's been a hundred years. So shouldn't he be like fully regenerated at this point? Like, no, because I think he's been eating lesser blood. Okay. So he hasn't been able to.

Well, why hasn't he just been eating humans? I don't, I don't get it. Dude, he's not. Yeah, maybe he's bored. Okay. Maybe he wants to change things up. It's not so much about his ability. It's his confidence. But Louis left him for much about his ability, it's his confidence.

Then Louis left him for dead. I think it really affected his confidence. Also, he had to come back from being a burned husk. So you have to assume, and it's not like he has his brother's wife killing people and bringing them to him so you can use the blood and flesh to make a new body, hell-raiser stuff. He's like, he's just a charred ruin

that's had to drag itself around the city for 100 years, slowly accumulating flesh and blood and stuff. So I think it's like, hey guys, how far has he was? Wouldn't it have been better if the movie fell at his story than Louis and Claudius story? I think that the movie... Almost certainly. I think what you're looking for is the vampire listet. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Wouldn't it have been great if I was looking at the vampire listet?

Yeah. I would... They make them. No, they didn't make them. The vampire list at movie. They made a. That's a jam. I think is another. What? There is a book the vampire list at. Yeah. Okay. It's not another one of the vampire chronicles. Yeah. I watch on Wikipedia and there's like a shit ton of those like many more than I thought existed. Oh man. So summer beach reading, looking forward to it. All right. Yeah.

And then you get to read the vampire chronicles of Narnia where it's the same as the chronicles of Narnia, but they're all vampires. That's the crazy thing. Yeah. Instead of Santa Claus showing up as a Dracula. Yeah. Who is the Santa Claus of vampires? Yeah.

Do you think that's, it's okay. It's a vampire. okay. It's okay. Let's work on this one to one correlation. Yeah, do you think they have like a Dracula miss where they celebrate the birth of Dracula and like they give their kids presents and they're like tonight, Dracula's going to come down the chimney and bite you. Oh, and if they wake up too early, they realize it's just their parents biting them. Oh, okay.

The edge is ruined. Yeah, probably. That sounds right. Guys, you have to realize, let's just talk about Santa Claus for a moment. I only we've talked about this. As a Jewish man with children, I have a horrible choice to make. Yeah.

Do I give my son the power to ruin Christian kids' childhoods by telling him the truth that Santa Claus is not real? Stewart, I hate to break it to you. What? The weird thing is the Krampus is real. Oh! Oh! But Santa Claus is not real.

Now, how do you handle? No, go on, sorry. I'll have a question there for you. So do I tell him the truth and just say, hey, we gotta keep this a secret? Or do I bring him to this bullshit mythology that I don't give a shit about, about Santa Claus that I don't care about

and I don't want him living a lie about? What should I do? Let's call this Ask Dan. Well, no, this is, oh, I was gonna ask Elliot, like this is what I was gonna turn back on you. I'm genuinely curious as to what you have done. Like does Sammy think like, oh, Santa comes to all of the kids in the world, except for me.

I guess I must be bad all the time. Well, that's the weird thing is when I was a kid that's kind of how my parents handled it was, oh, Santa comes to all the kids in the world, except you. And like, or except us, he doesn't come to Jewish kids. That's the thing, Santa doesn't come to Jewish kids. And it would be like, okay,

well, that's almost worse than if it was on me Yeah, it means Santa who everybody loves is a racist and not that and but and I'd rather that I screwed up once or twice This year than that but I would it just hasn't come up yet and I'm not gonna introduce it to him Yeah, you don't you don't want to whisper it into his ear and it turns into like a virus that spreads amongst all the kids And then pretty soon all the kids in the world are infected with the belief that Santa has that exist. Yeah, we don't want to truth or dare this. But so he just hasn't mentioned it yet, but someday he's gonna be like,

hey, why doesn't Santa come to my house and I'm gonna have to tell him like, it doesn't, because it's not real. That's what I said. We don't have a chimney, dude. This is the thing that was called for me. But lots of houses in California have chimneys, they have fireplaces for some reason.

Uh, so I guess what I'm saying is, I don't know why that grossed me out, but it did. I like to think of all the marshmallows people are roasting in their houses. Oh, horrible. So listeners write in to Elliot Santa Claus quandary, care of the flop house, dance apartment. I'll give you the address to dance apartment.

Oh, gosh. And I'm just curious, what should I do? And if you're a little kid listening to this, just like blank all that last part out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, don't play this for your kids, spoiler alert, oh, too late. But if I was a vampire, Santa Claus would not impress me because it's like, oh, he sneaks into people's houses

at night, you on, so do I, I'm a kid, whatever. Yeah. So, when you're a vampire, you're a stupid movie. So we're so close to the end. Yeah, my best friend is a vampire. So, we're close to the end. A helicopter comes around and shines a search light on him for some reason. And Lestat is like, ah, too bright.

And Lluy's like, it's not real light. It can't hurt you. It's not real honey. The bad man are gone. And Lluy just kind of of leaves the stock there in his pain and does not either kill him or help him. And Christian Slater and Louis, that's the end of my story to Christian Slater.

It's like that's it. And Christian Slaters, like that can't be it. There has to be an ending. Uh, make me a vampire. I want to be a vampire. Me, me, me. And the idea of Christian Slater with vampire powers, that's not a good idea.

Louis do not do it. Christian Slater is not trustworthy with vampire powers. And Louis gets really mad and threatens him. And Christian Slater runs away. And Christian Slater gets in his car and is like, oh, did I just experience that? Oh no, and he starts playing the tapes in his car. And it's only when he starts playing the tapes that you realize how dead Louis sounds and how boring the story is going to be.

It's that you almost expect at some point, Louis can be like, what else did I want to talk about? Uh, what else did I talk about being a vampire? Okay. And then suddenly, boom, let's start shows up in the car and bites Louis. And he says, I'm going to give you a choice.

He doesn't bite Louis by, by it's, uh, what's the mission slayer? Sorry, by Christian slayer. Sorry, oh yeah, Louis is long, by bite's uh... mission slide by Christian slater by slight man oh yeah Louis is long long gone he bites he bites a Christian slater and then and he's like I feel better already it is driving the car and he goes I'm gonna give you the choice I never got and they drive across the Golden Gate bridge as a there's it what a is it what a guns roses version of sympathy for

the devil hell yeah it is and it's like there was part of me that was like I admire that they went with the most on the nose song to end this movie with. But I'm also irritated that they went with the most on the nose song to end this movie with. Yeah, you got to end on a high note, dude. And now, the stot is going to regain a strength off of the probably not that healthy blood of Christian Slater. And, well, a lot of Slater Slams. And we'll, Christian Sl later choose to be a vampire. You'll find out in the second movie in the vampire chronicles,

interviewer is a vampire. Oh, yeah. You don't want to slam the slate man on this one. According to IMDB trivia, he donated all of his paycheck from this movie to vampires, to charities that River Phoenix supported because River Phoenix was originally supposed to play this role. That's very nice. Before he passed.

Yeah. So, yeah, that was, you know, and that was nice of him to do. So, interview with the vampire. Let me just tell you this. On a scale of, you always- It's the title. Okay, go ahead. And just hit the title.

Uh-huh. This movie fits the title. It's got an interview in it and it's got a vanviring it. And that interview, it's with the vampire. But here's the thing. Okay, so based on accuracy of title. Although, and now I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna rebut my own statement. I'm gonna play Devil's Advocate here.

We don't see a lot of interviewing. It's mainly a monologue and Christian Slater is there's kind of like in a menu instance to take it all down. He doesn't ask a lot of questions. So on his interview style, I'm gonna give him a C-. He got the stuff. I mean, and that's part of being a great interview is

if the subject's talking, don't you don't have. So Dan, why don't you call our buddy Jesse Thorn who is both an expert on San Francisco vampires and interviews and find out how he rates this move. He just talk about Dracula's a lot. Uh-huh. That's true. And he is a member of the Hollywood vampires, right?

He plays with that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So guys, we should do our final judgments. He plays what the washboard. What? Yeah. We're the coolest, roughest, toughest Hollywood vampires. And on washboard, it's Jesse.

Lang, lang, lang, lang, lang, lang. Is this a good, bad movie, a bad, bad movie, or a movie you kind of liked? roughest toughest Hollywood vampires and on washboard it's Jesse. Lenglinglinglinglingling. Is this a good bad movie, a bad bad movie or movie you kind of liked? Elliot, why don't you go? I was going to say this is a movie I kind of liked. I didn't think I was going to like it because I have that held over prejudice from being a teen for things that are melodramatic, I guess. But then it realized like, oh no, I don't have that. I like these things now. And I think that if I had seen it when it came out,

I think I would have been young enough and not confident enough in myself that the intense homoroticism of it would have put me off somewhat as a teenage boy. But now I'm like, yeah, love it. Give me more of that. I love seeing it in a movie. Give me more of these homo-rotic vampires. So I think not only did I kind of like it, but I like that I saw it at this point in my life and not earlier. I remember so I saw this in the theater and it was right around the time that I was like

starting to get into the like world of darkness, vampire role-playing games. So At first I was put off by the idea. I'm like, Oh, this is like a lame Hollywood version of cool vampire stuff that I'm into. But the movie, I remember the movie woulding me over and being pretty into it at the time. And I think it holds up like, uh, means a goofy, fun vampire movie with some pretty big stars. Well, it's an over the top vampire melodrama. That's what I want out of it. Like you're not looking for the same thing out of it that I'm looking at for

out of like near dark or Dracula or shadow the vampire or any of those things. Like there's room or the vampire's kiss, which was just a crazy movie. Like there's there's you can have different things from different types of vampires movies. But Dan, I see that look on your face, you're shaking, your head, no, like a stern school mask. No, not quite. This movie at a high bar for me to clear for me,

because I'm not a big fan of the trope of the sexy vampire, like the allure of vampirism has never been a thing that I'm like, yeah, yeah, I can, I understand, the, yeah, I wanna be a vampire, like, I don't know, I mean, I understand the, yeah, I wanna be a vampire, like, I don't know. I mean, I guess, we're trying to life. Like you watch like lost boys and you're like, I don't wanna be with those dudes.

And, cause I kinda totally would. I find a lot of this movie super goofy, but you guys have kinda won me over. Like, I guess the goofiness is kinda the fun part of it. So, I kinda liked it, a little less but you guys have kind of won me over. Like I guess the goofiness is kind of the fun part of it. So I kind of liked it a little less than you guys, but I'm on board. I think the movie is super goofy, but it is also very sincere.

And that's something that I think I would have had trouble with when I was younger is that even Tom Cruise's part where he's playing this winking like scenery chewing vampire. No pun intended. That, that scenery doesn't have blood in it. Like that's the character. He's not winking like scenery chewing vampire. No pun intended. That, that scenery doesn't have blood in it. Like that's the character. He's not winking at the audience being like, hey, look how crazy I am.

He's winking at the characters. And so it was like, oh, this is like a, this is not an ironic movie. This is a movie that for all its weakness in that Brad Pitt's character is not really a full character. Like, this is a movie that takes itself very seriously and I admire that since I feel like it was not too long after this that the idea of a horror movie that takes itself seriously kind of disappeared from the movie screens for a while. I guess in the wake of like scream and stuff like that. Yeah, and it's only within the past.

I don't know what like five or ten years that I feel like I'm seeing a lot of horror movies where it's like, no, no, no, we take it seriously. This is not like, we're not making a joke about scary stuff. You know, we're not commenting on scary stuff. We just want to be scary or atmospheric or what have you. And I'll tell you, you're saying that some modern prestige horror movies aren't, don't maintain like a comfortable ironic distance from their material.

Exactly. This is a movie that is not too cool to be itself. This is a movie that's like, hey, we're making a movie about these vampires who are in love with each other and also hate each other. Guess what? We think that's pretty cool. And we're just gonna tell that story. And I think it helps that in a lot of the scenes

that are filled with like the, you know, like the boring melodrama stuff. They're like killing people at the same time. Yeah. So yeah. You know, it's like walking and talking. Like you got, you guys, I think, Stuart, you mentioned me becoming a goth earlier, if I'd seen the movie when I was a kid. It reminded me of how when I was a kid, I really like disdained goths, because I was too cool for school,

you know, or whatever, and the thing that I think really bothered me about it was that they were so unafraid to just be who they wanted to be, you know, without other people, even though other people clearly made fun of them like crazy at my school at least. And so it's like, you know what, I realize that I am, it's not that I think it's goofy. It's that I am ashamed at my own lack of confidence in living that openly weird. And so now I admire that stuff a lot.

And now that you've admitted that, I will give you this on-connect list to wear. Finally, I mean, I also never liked any of that stuff, but it's like I wanted to find my version of that. There was something about like, there's also the thing of, I'm gonna make myself a total outcast by dressing like all these other people who look just like me. Here, my friend Dave Navarro will don a cloak of Ravens feathers upon your shoulders.

No, I mean, that sounds pretty cool, but. All right, I've been not saying anything in the hopes that you'll wind yourself down. I think it's, yeah, I said, you know that son of a work you have to interrupt us. You got to tell us to stop. Okay, so what do we do now? Now we do. I love Dan's idea, like if Dan was a diplomat, he'd be like, I'll let this war just kind of

work itself out till they get tired of shooting each other. I don't need to get in there and negotiate. It's like, no, Dan, you gotta end things. ["The End of the World"] Since the dawn of time, screenwriters have taken months to craft their stories, but now three Hollywood professionals shall attempt the impossible. Break a story in one hour.

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Mine was Christmas pregnant paradise. Okay, next we need a protagonist. So I've heard Wario best described as libertarian murder. And of course, every great movie needs a stellar pitch. In order to get to heaven, sometimes you gotta raise a little hell. Ha ha, that's the tagline! Check out Story Break every week on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts. How does this sound?

A weekend on a beautiful mountain top in California. You wake up, eat a tasty meal with some new friends, some old friends, maybe the host of your favorite podcasts. After that, it's a couple of inspiring classes, spectacular podcast tapings, a hilarious stand-up showcase, a dance party, and more. And more! All of this can be yours at Max Funcon, returning to Lake Arrowhead next June. Tickets go on sale Friday, November 23rd.

Put that on your calendar because Max Funcon tickets always sell out. Get a head start planning your next summer vacation and go to maxfuncon.com to learn more. Now is when we talk about our sponsors. We've got two great sponsors this week. The first is Casper. The Flap House is supported in part by Casper,

a sleep brand that continues to revolutionize its lines of products to create an exceptionally comfortable sleep experience one night at a time. They offer affordable prices because Casper cuts out the middleman and sells directly to the consumer. Yeah, I mean, don't you're not Louis and Lestai. You don't have to sleep in a fucking coffin, sleep on a sweet ass caps for a mattress. Yeah, like it goes. Yeah, come on. Casper brand mattresses, combined multiple supportive memory foams for a quality sleep surface with the right amounts of both sink and bounce. You can be sure of your purchase with Casper's 100 night risk-free sleep on it trial. Hit $50 towards select mattresses by visiting Casper.com slash flop house and using

promo code flop house all one word at checkout. Charms and conditions apply. If only vampirism had a 100, 100 night risk-free trial, then maybe Louie wouldn't have gotten into that situation. That's true. That's very true. Yeah, we could have had, you could have returned it. You could return to the unused portion of's very true. Yeah, we could have had you could have returned it. You return the unused portion of his immortality. Yeah. Now let me just say this guys. Yeah, castor mattresses are super comfortable and you get they send you a box and it pops out. It's not it transforms almost like a person transforming into a vampire or a vampire transforming into a bat, but it's a box that transforms into a comfortable mattress. If a vampire came to you

in the middle night and you want a cast for a mattress, he'd probably just lie down on it and go to sleep and you'd be saved. That's a, I mean, that's not a guarantee that the cast per makes, but I think that's the beginning. It's a cast per promise. Okay. Let's move on to our next sponsor, Zippercruder. They say, you know what's not smart? The way hiring used to be.

Job sites that overwhelm you with tons of the wrong resumes. Now there's a smarter way at zippercruder.com slash flop house. Zippercruder's powerful matching technology finds the right people for you and actively invites them to apply. It's no wonder that Zippercuders rated number one by employers in the U.S. and this rating comes from hiring sites on Trust Pilot with over 1,000 reviews. And right now our listeners can try Zippercuders for free at zippercuders.com slash flop house, that zippercuders.com slash F-L-O-P-H-O-U-S-E. Now only a list out of that access to Zipper Cruder back in the, uh, the, the public houses, yeah, we see, they can recruit someone more interesting than Louis. Exactly. Yeah. He would have found the ideal candidate.

You wouldn't have to heart the streets and just, just bite whoever the most handsome guy he found was. Hey, it's Dan breaking in here. We had a late edition jumbo tron that we really wanted to get in because it was time sensitive to a listener's birthday. And we recorded this a little ahead of time. So here's a jumbo tron from Lea to Michelle. and she writes, Happy birthday to my twin born three years before me. You've always been one of the strongest people I know. I couldn't have made it this far without you. So here's to another year of my bad Elliott impressions,

making references no one else understands, and long car ride talks. I love you more than you love superkins awkward sig awkward sibling hug I Say that that way because there's a question mark awkward sibling hug So that's very sweet. We like to see some affection between siblings none of this Siblings scuffling just just nice, sweet, familial love. If you have a jumbo tron, you can get up on the jumbo tron

by going to maximumfun.org-forwardslash-jumbo-tron and it's about $100 for a personal message, I think $200 for a business message. And it's a good way of letting someone know you care or getting out the information about your business dealings. That makes it sound like you're revealing secret papers through the jump of tron. I just meant, you know, your business, whatever.

Anyway, back to the show. Now Elliot, you usually have something, a thing or two to say at this point in the podcast, is that true this week or we move on? Yeah, I do have a thing or two to say about the state of our country. Did you guys notice that? No, no, no, no. I'm going to go on a rant here. So if you're listening to this episode, then we have just relatively recently had our show at Irland College in Indiana. Thanks to everybody for coming. It was a great show. Probably We recorded this ahead of time. But we still have our next live show coming up

in January of 2019 AD. At the University of Wisconsin Madison, Wisconsin Union Theater, Saturday, January 26th at 8 p.m. Come on by if you're in the Wisconsin area and come see us, talk about a movie, TBD. And I'm just gonna say. We'll announce the movie soon. When we get closer to it.

Maybe next episode. Good day. Oh, that's a good idea. Yeah, I like that idea. But it's what's gonna be fun, full of laughs, full of loves, and full of life. So please join us for that one. Something else I'd like to mention is that,

look, worst meets dog, my children's book, it's in stores right now. You don't even have to pre-order anymore. You can just go in to a store and hand the person money and say horsemeats dog and they'll be like, what? And you'll have to go say, oh, it's the new picture book by L.A. K. O.N. and they'll say, oh, yeah, we've been selling those like crazy.

I should have right now. Sorry, this is a butcher shop. We don't care that book. They're like horsemeat or dogmeat. You've got to tell me one of the other. But so you go in and By one right now horse meat's dog by me and Tim Miller Kids love it. They're gonna really like it a lot by the time this comes out

I will have done most of my touring for it So thanks everybody for coming out to those events But I think you may still have time if you listen to this like the day it comes out to come see me at Skylight Books in Los Angeles on November 11th. And I think I think the next day, a green along with from the you must remember this podcast is doing something at Skylight. So I may just stay overnight in the story afterwards. Now, this is a, you don't have to answer this, but when you were working on potential titles for your book, were you considering dog meets horse and then you realized that might be confusing? Because people might think that it's a book about dog meet, the dog character from the

Fallout series owning a horse. And that's not what books about. Yes, that was exactly my thought process. And I'm glad that you were I'm glad you brought it up because it was a real worry that I had. So November 11th, if you're in the Los Angeles area at Skylight Books, it's a great store. I'm going to be reading my book. And I think I might also have cookies there for people like cookies. So hopefully store bought not homemade because you don't know it's in there. Uh oh. Yeah, I put razor blades in them.

Thanks, too. Thanks for making that. But that's after Halloween. Well, you're not, if you're not in LA, just go meet by horse meets dog right now. It's a great book. I like it. And I wrote it.

Okay. So let's move on to letters. The next part of the podcast where we open the letters back. We open the letters back. Dig deep to the bottom of letter. Mm-hmm. You can't get out. These are actually all pretty new letters. I've got such a big backlog of old letters

that have just been the fat off the top of the suit. Yeah. Um, so this one's from the front. Yeah. This first letter is from Adam last name withheld. Mm-hmm. No last name first man. Mm-hmm.

Right. Thank you for hundreds of hours of entertainment that has been the glue that has helped prepare this frazzled nerves of this overworld. Sorry, the frazzled nerves of this overworked high school English teacher, actor, fight choreographer and prop maker. My taste fine. Oh, so we've got a real split situation here. Yeah. They're all living in one body and they're coming together to make the beast. Mm-hmm. My taste in movies most closely matches Elliot's, and I have a soft spot for movies from the 30s and 40s. On my girlfriend and my second date, I cooked her dinner and we watched Kawasablaka.

I was adventurous with the meal, making a recipe that I'd never tried before, but I played it safe with the movie as a friend of hers and fellow movie buffer might it us. And this guy sounds like an asshole. This guy's like, oh, well, no, the one that the letter writer, the one who's like, Casablanca sounds a little basic. Yeah, yeah. That guy, I think you can, you can 86. Anyway, wait, you want him to murder him? you can 86. Anyway, wait, wait, you want him to murder him? Yeah. He said, Casablaka is kind of an abature move. It might offense, she had never seen it. And both it and the meal went over splendidly. Wait, the book it went over splendidly. Yeah.

Admittedly, this is a pretty tame story compared to some of our friends who second date consisted of a viewing of human centipede. My question is this. What movie do you guys recommend is an ideal date movie. Do you have any date movie stories, funny or otherwise? Keep on flopping in the free world, Adam Lastname withheld. So, it's a two-part question. I've got an answer for the second part, but I don't know, since I really know what a good date movie is. I mean, I don't know. It's like, it depends on who you are and who the date is.

Like, there's some people where going to see, like, return to the living dead would be a fantastic date movie. And there's some people where that would not be a good date movie and you're better off seeing, I don't know, what, a league of their own. Like, it depends on the people involved. It's hard to say what's a good date movie and you're better off seeing, I don't know what, a league of their own. Like, it depends on the people involved. It's hard to say what's a good date movie. I guess unless like,

I mean, there's, I mean, there's one pretty obvious answer and it's dirty dancing that movie rules. That's true. Well, yeah, I guess that's a pretty good date movie. But what it's like, it's see, what the question implies to me,

which is to say nothing against Adam, that what the question implies to me is that when you are dating someone, you're just kind of looking for the steps that you can go through to success. That's not how human relationships work. You gotta make a real connection with the person. So I guess, so let's skip over maybe the first part

of the question and go to the second. Do you have any fun or weird date movie stories? Well, I mean, I once had a very hot date to the movie, Million Dollar Baby. I'm like a really successful data. And in retrospect, it felt like that episode of Seinfeld where he makes out with his girlfriend during Schindler's list.

Yes, I'm just looking for a private place to go. But it was like, there was a lot going on in the seats during that screening of Million Dollar Baby. The movie about a woman who is boxed into a coma. So the story that I remember is from college when so this is so Sarah the woman who up until recently I was married to that's for the the listeners not for you to you were familiar with Sarah. I know Sarah.

Oh yeah, that was the little, that was the little asterisk box at the bottom of the panel that said, see Dan's former marriage, Smile and Stand. Yeah, but so we had briefly broken up while she was abroad. And then she wrote me a letter saying that she wanted to get back together and I was thrilled with this because I was head over heels. And, um, at the time I was about to go out like, uh, like in a bazooka jokomic.

Yeah, I did a flip take. Awesome. But at the time I heard yourself. There was a, there was a woman on campus who like, we had been sort been circling around each other a little bit, and finally, we were going to go out on a date. I got this letter from Sarah right before this date that I was going to go on, and I told her, I'm like, I'm sorry. I really, I can't do this.

I'm into this other person. I've been in love with her. But if you want to, we can still go out and see this movie. Oh, damn it. And like, I was the worst thing that I've ever done. Not the worst thing, but like, I just, I feel like you'll see about it like years later because like, she took me up on it. And so what did you see? We went out and we saw Wonder Boys. And I had a great time seeing Wonder Boys. And I think she probably had a terrible time saying Wonder Boys, like sitting through it and being like, what am I doing here?

Why am I still? Yeah, it was awful. That's pretty great. I remember an early movie that my wife and I watched together that we really connected with was forgetting Sarah Marshall. And we both have it watched in a while, but I remember we both hold it in pretty high steam.

And it just kind of reminds us of that here in our relationship And I also remember having a pretty I don't know if I don't know if I would call it a date But some of the consequences were similar to the consequences of a date After watching after watching the movie crashed right to buy David Cronenberg After watching the movie crashed or it's about David Cronenberg. Oh wow. So that sounds awesome. So I think we failed to answer the main question. I would say what's a good date movie?

Pick a movie you like a lot and put yourself out there and see if the person responds to you. Yeah. This next letter is from Danielle last name withheld. This is Elliot's wife. I'm assuming. Yeah. Yeah. This is the only way we communicate now is through letters through the flop house, but Dan never chooses them because he's so far behind. So it's really ruined my relationship. Thanks, Dan. She writes, hi there, you funny dooders. And a few weeks here, I'll be having my first baby and my husband and I are already getting some back in my days to try it out when the kid doesn't appreciate the world of convenience

they were born into. Things like, in my day, we didn't have streaming services, so if you wanted to watch a movie you had to hope there was something on cable, and there probably wasn't because there are only 51 channels, and most of them were boring, grown up stuff. If you did find a movie to watch, your dad would come home to work and and change the channel to watch the Broncos game and you'd never find out whether they managed to escape to which mountain or not. So yeah, we all had that experience. I remember it very well. Do you guys have any back in my days? I can add about how the movies have changed in the last few decades? I'm roughly the same age as y'all. So they will be relevant. Don't worry

if they're a bit blue, aka about dong ripping. I'll write them down, seal them in on-flip and hand them to the kid on their 18th birthday. Dan, y'all last name with him. I mean, I feel like dudes getting their Donga stripped off is a timeless part of cinema. I don't think it's dedicated to anyone but anyone. It's one of the seven plots. From Castle Freak to Antichrist, here's our salute to to dogs being a Hurtin' movies. I didn't realize you were working on the Oscars this year. Oh, yeah, that's the one they gave me. I'm like, it's been very hard to make a televisable version,

but I think we're gonna do it. I mean, they're trying to drum up viewership, so I think that'll help. I mean, so funny. Like, it's like Chadwick Boseman and Melissa McCarthy walk out and they're like the male dong has three years been a source of entertainment, wonder and horror. Here's our salute to things happening to Dongs in cinema for 100 years. The dong has been a real supporting member of the cast.

Anyway, I'm trying to think. I mean, I feel like a lot of people talk about how the experience of going to the VHS store, like the video, I mean, and browsing for, I mean, it's the same thing as browsing endlessly through Netflix, but in a physical space, and a lot more. But I think it was a lot more fun because you got to look at the box art and turn it over and read the descriptions. And you were kind of, I mean, you weren't, but you were kind of stuck with your choices. It wasn't like, you could watch two minutes and be like, oh no, it's just change.

Like instead, you're like, fuck, I guess I'm gonna be drinking Mountain Dew to this all night. Yeah, and there's like, there's a lot of responsibility making that choice. And I found, like there were a couple times where I was as the cineast in the family given that responsibility solely, like, you know, here's a couple bucks,

go to, like, take your bike down to the video store and get something. Like, ski school to, huh? Okay. Well, my person has seen part one, but I think they'll be able to follow it. I'll just, I'll give them a quick recap beforehand. Yeah. I'll cut together a presentation. Yeah. But there's a lot of weight in that decision, you know. And I also remember the, I love the trailers before VHS things. That was great. Oh, that was your chance to see movies that otherwise, a hero of movies you otherwise would never have heard of

is other things that like VidMark was putting out distributing like amazing. I will say this, I took my son to the movie theater yesterday and we had an experience that I thought he wasn't going to have which was Walking down the hall we were looking at all the posters for movies that are coming out soon and talking about like Oh, what's this? What does this look like? Let's talk it like and Figuring learning what movies for coming out from the posters. It's how I learned that there's a will-fair Alsharolak Holmes comedy coming out Dan. I think you're gonna love it

It looks like they're really they're really doing a great job with the Holmes canon. But it's like, it was just a really fun thing for us to do this thing that I remember doing with my parents. We were like looking at the coming posters, knowing almost nothing about them other than what it said on the poster and trying to figure out what the movies were. So that was really sweet. Yeah. So you can really sweet. Yeah. So you can do those back in my day things

as long as you were the four year old who has no access to the internet. Yeah, I mean, I think as far as like the content of the movies, I think like the back in my day that I always bring up is just the quality of practical or the prevalence of practical special effects, so for digital effects. Even the movie we watched for this week, Interview with the Vampire, one of the reasons, once again, a core 9-DB trivia, one of the reasons why the movie was a difficult shoot is because

they had so much makeup effects because they would literally hang the vampire actors upside down to get that like blood out of their faces or blood to their faces. And that's the sort of thing that like a modern vampire movie is like, now we'll just, we'll add some sparkles in post, it's fine. Yeah, we'll just see J. those veins on. And I mean, I think the restrictions that physical stuff makes leads to some interesting choices. But as far as like just movie experiences, yeah, I mean, like the video stories,

the biggest one for me easily. I think there was a, it was a lot easier to avoid spoilers because they didn't exist because nobody knew What a movie was what was gonna happen in a movie back then yeah the close thing to a spoiler is like a kid telling you what happens at Rambo three on the playground and you're like what? But this idea that you're supposed to be Curious about what happens in the movie to the point of finding out ahead of time before the movie comes out, it's kind of crazy. Yeah, I think my main spoiler person was my mom

who would go see these like, see like Robocop or Predator or something and like tell me stuff about it. Yeah, that was great. It's the last letters from Marcus, who writes. You sounded unsure, Dan, you're the one with the letter in front of you He writes I recently saw Baywatch and found it in dearingly dumb And would love that at the end of gorgeous blonde slaps her bikini brief but while saying cinnabons Wait, so is that the end of the movie that's a final shot?

But I am I it does it doesn't cheer me to this movie, that that sounds so stupid. What, I am kind of curious with the context, isn't it? Yeah. I mean, is there a lead-up? Or just jump into the camera frame, on planned, and just do that, and then security escorts her away?

They're like, I still still leaving in the movie. They're suggesting that she was not an actress. That's what you're saying. Yeah, yeah. Okay. It's one of those, it's one of those things. Yeah, where they're like, it wasn't planned, but it happened on camera and it was so great. We left it in. Yeah. Like that scene in the beginning of hard day's night when they're running and was it George falls down, flat on his face on the sidewalk, and John Lennon just laughs his head off because it wasn't planned and also he likes seeing his friends get hurt. Yeah well he was kind of an asshole. Yep. But he goes on to say what remake or update have you seen that you think is better than the original source movie or TV production?

I anticipate Elliot saying that the 1941 edition of the Maltese Falcon is better than the two predecessors. I actually, I was gonna say that, but then I started thinking, I don't really think of those as remakes, I think of them as new adaptations of the same material. Yeah. Anyway, that's from Marcus' last name, Unknown. No, yeah, you got some hot ones, Dan.

I think that the one that would spring to most of our minds is the giant carpenter, the thing, not to say that the thing from another world is not a good movie. It's all right. It's fun. It's a little, I mean, it's a little slow paced in the monsters a little silly, but it's worth watching if you're a fan of old science fiction horror movies. But the thing remake is just a classic of horror filmmaking. Maybe my favorite horror movie, I'm not sure.

The John Carpenter thing is a work of art, like a real work of beautiful, disgusting art in the way that the original is not. And I think it's crazy that when it came out, people were like, just the fact that that movie when it came out, people thought was garbage. It's crazy. But I think a lot of people were unfairly comparing it to the original, the thing more because Howard Hawks had been involved with the original thing rather than because they were like, oh, this is really, this is a really amazing movie. I was reading, I was reading, I was trying to come up with ideas for this and I stumbled on a web page, this question, I stumbled on a web page that mentioned that

Time Magazine called the original thing the best science fiction movie in the 1950s, which is ludicrous. The day the Earth stood still is the best science fiction movie in the 1950s. That's crazy Time Magazine. Come on. Some rose colored backwards looking glasses dudes.

Okay, those are fancy glasses. Both rose colors and backwards looking. But it's like some Dr. Jacobi would wear and do things, right? Yeah, exactly. But in a similar vein, I think that the remake of the fly is a better movie than the original, the fly. The eight, like the 80s was this period

where there are a couple of remakes of old movies that are like where they took kind of these, what were fine movies and turn them into like really interesting, really good movies. And the thing in the flyer a couple of those and like, I don't know if it really counts because it's an adaptation of a stage show that was adapting the original movie,

but like you compared the 80s little shop of horrors and the original little shop of horrors and it's like you're watching a movie and then you go back to the original and you're like, oh, this is like an idea for a movie that somebody like threw together. So I mean, just they shot the movie in like three days. Well, yeah, no, it was like some friends in a weekend, basically, is what it feels like. And it's basically what is true.

Yeah. Um, but guys, this is going to make me a little unpopular. Uh-huh. I'm going to say, I think the departed is a better movie than Infernal Affairs. Interesting. Japanese movie it was based on. Oh, no, not Japanese. Was it, was Infernal Affairs. Interesting. Japanese movie it was based on. Oh, no, not Japanese. Was it, was Infernal Affairs? Yeah, it was Japanese, right?

Ah, I'm not sure. I thought it was a Hong Kong movie. I can't remember if it was from Hong Kong or Japan, and I apologize if that makes me a racist. I haven't seen it since it came out. I actually haven't seen it, so. Oh, no, yeah, sorry, it's not Japanese. It's, yeah, Andy Lau is in it.

That's right. It's a Hong Kong movie. The original In true. Yeah, Andy Lau is in it. That's right. It's a Hong Kong movie. The original Infernal Affairs, it's like a great idea for a movie and it doesn't quite come together. And the departed is like, aside from the fact that it uses the same dropkick Murphy song over and over again,

which is really irritating. Uh, it's, uh, I, I think it's a really good movie. And even the part of the end where that rat runs across the screen and people were like, oh, I was like, yeah, that's great. I love it like come on. Why not? Yeah, I didn't that did that's a Marty why not like you're looking for subtlety from this movie about like this crazy Plan that would never happen in real life of someone going undercover with a mob But nobody telling the police that this guy's going undercover with the mob like come on

Yeah So I hope that those letter answers helped you in some way. Yeah, I don't really have an answer for this one. Oh, OK. I like it. I forgot the headset, anything. Yeah, I like Ringoo, and I like the ring. And I think they're both like, they

have their own strengths and weaknesses. I mean, this is a little low brow, but like, I definitely prefer the movie version of 21 Jump Street to the TV show. Oh, sure. But I mean, that's like the, that's the same as this Baywatch letter. I think they count. Oh, cool. All right. But movie. And that chip's movie was a lot better than the chips show, right? All that fat. So now's the point where we recommend a movie that you should watch, whether or not, you know, you watch the interview with the vampire, which we all, a double speech.

Yeah. I'll guess I'll go. I watched first man just recently. Mm-hmm. It was a day that I kind of, it was one of those days where I bought the ticket to see a movie. Oh boy, it's just full-channel. I mean, as a day like deer, deer flop house form, it was a day like any other. I bought a ticket to see first man on a rainy Sunday, little knowing it would lead to an erotic event. I like to wait. I could only imagine. Long time movie watcher, first time reviewer. I'm trying to add a little color to my view.

Let's just say Neil Armstrong wasn't the only one landing on a moon that day. Let's not say that. It's not where this was going. So, can I tell us more about this adventure? No, it was one of those days where you buy a movie ticket like earlier in the day and then when it comes time to go to the movie you're like,

ah, do I really have the energy to this? Like, do I want to do this? Do like, there are other things I could be doing. You know, and I went to the movie and I was interested in it from the very beginning. Like, whatever, you know, on Wee or whatever had kept me from maybe wanting to go to the movie. Whatever swept away. Like Malays said before. Exactly. You transformed into a listot upon seeing the film.

And I realized after saying this movie that I like movies about the early days of the space program. Like I enjoy like a pile 13 head and figures, especially the right stuff. I think that there's just obviously something inherently dramatic in it. These people reaching for something bigger than themselves and often dying in the process.

And first man is very good at putting you inside the head of the protagonist, Neil Armstrong, and having you really feel the danger of everything that he's doing every step of the way, like how everything is sort of slapped together with spit and gum, and what an amazing accomplishment it was to do it with this early technology. And it was just a lot of, it was very moving. And it was a remake of Wallace and Gromit. Yeah. Find it out.

Yeah. But that's all I really have to say about that. First man, I enjoyed it a lot. Cool. I'm going to recommend another movie that showed up on Netflix this month. What that's like three Fridays in a row that big crazy genre pictures have just appeared on Netflix. Basically unheralded. I'm going to recommend the movie The Night Comes for us. It's an...

Not? It comes at night. I mean, I've already recommended that. This is a very different type of movie than it comes at night. So this movie is an Indonesian crime martial arts movie. And it features two of the leads from the raid. So if you saw Gareth Evans movie the Apostle last week and were like, oh, I was hoping for something more like a raid three. This is totally that movie. So it's just

filled wall to wall with dudes kicking the shit out of each other. It is an A plus number one as speeder of a movie. Similar to the raid two, it's probably bogged down a little bit by too much plotting, but when the action scene start happening, it's like anything that you start seeing every new set piece as like, oh no, there's a pool table. Somebody's gonna get their face smashed in with a pool ball. And there were just so many, there were so many O-shit moments. So if you're looking for a super duper crazy action movie,

I would go over to your Netflix queue, grab the night comes for us, drag it over to your watch box, double click that, and then buckle your fucking seat belt. Okay, in a similar vein, I'm gonna recommend a movie from the 70s about a man in middle-aged struggling with the decisions he made earlier in his life. I'm gonna recommend the movie Save the Tiger from 1973 with Jack Lemon. Now it's a little hard in this day and age to recommend a movie that is essentially about a well-off middle-aged white man realizing that he's unhappy with his life, but there were a lot of these made in the 70s that are very good.

And it shows you really what kinds of people were making movies in the 1970s that there was a prevalence of these movies about middle-aged guys who are just like, oh, is this what I worked all this time for? But Jack Lemon is playing a guy who runs a garment company. He co-owns it with a man played by Jack Gelford. And they realize that unless they do something drastic, they are both not gonna be able to keep the company open

and also they might be on the hook for some fraud that they committed to keep the company open the previous year. And so he is trying to, he's debating and arguing with his partner about whether they should deliberately burn down one of their factories for the insurance money. And the movie is about making that decision, but it's also about this guy who like is wandering through life, very looking at where America is in the 70s, and remembering the men he knew who died in World War II,

and is asking himself basically like, all those men died, and this is kind of what we got out of it, is this country that doesn't seem to work, and people don't like each other and blah, blah, blah, and what I did with my life is not worthy of what those men sacrificed them for, and is having a kind of a nervous breakdown over it. And Jack Lemon is really great in it.

It's a really 70s movie. It's shot in and around Los Angeles and on real locations. And it looks, you know, it's got that great beige 70s grime that I love so much. And until the ending, a lot of these movies, unfortunately, involve the middle aged man, then sleeping with a young, hippie woman as a way of like

bringing life back into his life. Yeah, this movie falls into that trap, but it kind of and that doesn't quite work, but spoiler alert, it really doesn't save him and it does not have the effect that that would normally have in a movie like this. So it's worth it just to like see Jack lemon playing this character who, in a way as similar to his character in Glen Glen, Larry Glen Ross except he's even more at his wit send and even more showing that he's coming apart at the seams. And I really liked a lot, even though again, like I said, you got to be in the mood to watch a movie about a guy who seemingly has it all, but is still upset with his life and unhappy about it.

So that's save the tiger with Jack lemon. All right. This is the movie that this the movie Jack lemon won his best actor Academy Award for. and unhappy about it. So that's save the tiger with Jack Lemon. All right. This is the movie that this the movie Jack Lemon won his best actor Academy award for. So that's how good it is. That's how good it is. Nobody ever wins Academy Awards for things that are not good. Never ever in the history of the Academy Awards. They're perfect. So guys, uh, well, this has been a fun experiment with a different sort of flop house episode. Okay.

Are you dumping us? So, yeah, so our show is on the Maximum Fun Podcast Network. There's a ton of other great shows you can find over at what MaximumFun.org is right. Tons of other shows both about pop culture, about comedy, check them out. And if you get a chance and you're so inclined, head over to iTunes and rate or review our little show because it helps. Yeah, if you want to tweet about us with the hashtag Flop House, that would be great.

We're on Twitter at the flop house pod and also all three of us are just on Twitter on our own. Yeah, leave us reviews wherever you listen to podcasts, tell people about us, whatever you want to do, get the word out, buy some commercials on local TV airtime, maybe some ads in the newspaper, billboards, whatever you want to do to get the word out, we are pretty much okay with it. Well, thank you for that. Don't buy three billboards. Well, it depends on where you're located right now. I don't think it's that great.

I got to admit, that was a movie I was so curious to watch because I was like, people really have strong emotions about it and we started watching it on HBO and about a half hour in. I was like, I think I got to go do the dishes. Yeah. And I just have not had much interest in returning to it. So again, but they want to cat him your words for it. So maybe I'm wrong. All right guys, the way you said that doesn't make it sound like you think you're wrong.

Okay. Okay. So I'm doing that thing that you asked me to do earlier where I just interrupt you and take the wheel. Look at him learn. You're doing it great. I love it. Yeah, take the lead.

So for the flop house, I've been Dan McCoy. I've been Stewart Wellington and I'm holding Dan's cat, Archie. I'm Elliot Kaelin and I'm so impressed and proud of the way Dan has found the confidence and also the strength to really take the reins of the show and lead it where he wants to go. He's becoming more of an author. I'll hold on. I've got to do it again.

What's up? Goodbye. Bye. What? So Dan, yesterday, my son drew a stick figure. This looks like Dan. Over the top of it. Send you a picture of it. I'll send you a picture of it. I'll do that later today.

Oh, that's supposed to be. Was the stick figure covered in defining features? He had three fingers on each hand and three toes on each foot. Yep, that sounds like it's Dan to a tee. Completely bald, no hair. No clothes, but the body had no discernible genitalia. It just sticks Okay, and And the look on the face I would call a puckish

Okay, well, I like that That that makes me feel a little better. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah He's got a very positive view of you. He talks about you all the time. Oh, that's already talks about sometimes There was one time when, oh, what was it? I was talking about, I was like, do you remember this kid that you knew in New York and we used to, and we were friends with his family

and he goes, Stuart? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Yeah, I mean, that sounds like me a kid. So, Sammy might think you're a little kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I figured that, I figured that he would mention me when you're like walking by an alleyway

and there's like a raccoon digging through the garbage. And he stops and thinks for a second that he's like, Dad, do you talk to Stuart anymore? Maximumfund.org. Comedy and culture. Artists don't. I'm just steward anymore.