The Flop House - Ep. #284 - Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindlewald

Episode Date: May 11, 2019

Elliott, noted non Pot-head, talks about the Potterverse sequel, Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindlewald. Meanwhile Elliott talks Charles Dickens crossovers, Stuart almost causes his own brain to explode, saying something nice about Dan Fogler, and Dan is tricked into a lifelong commitment. Wikipedia synopsis for Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindlewald LIVE SHOW DATES 2019! June 8 – PORTLAND – Revolution Hall July 13 – MINNEAPOLIS – Parkway September 28 – BOSTON – WBUR CitySpace (TWO shows in one night) October 12 – LOS ANGELES – The Regent Theater

On this episode of the podcast we discuss fantastic beasts the crimes of Grindelwald Oh that dastardly Grindelwald I hate that Grindelwald Dan what's a Grindelwald? Hey everybody and welcome to the flop house, I'm Dan McCoy. Oh hey everybody, welcome to the flop house. I'm Stuart Wellington. And here's Elliot Kaelin coming through the home stretch. Dan, you send a little down. What's wrong? Do you want to know why I've got this sexy gritty voice this time around? Uh, it sounds the same as normal.

This gritty is sexy voice. I know. Why do you keep saying gritty? Yeah, because I love the fillies. Uh, I mean, Let's all be clear. Gritty is the sexiest of the mascots, but because of his attitude, because he doesn't care if you think he's sexy or not. His anarcho-antifacious attitude.

My great voice right now is a combination of blowing it out singing karaoke yesterday and coughing so hard I puked just minutes before. Oh man, you gotta take care of your pipes dude. Yeah. Here's a thing. You just peed. Those are my money makers. Here's a peek into how Dan tells me things.

It's right before we start recording Dan's like, I've been feeling really sick for a few days and I cough so hard I almost threw up so I'm gonna, I'm feeling kinda out of it and I'm like, oh that's too bad. Only now am I learning that he was out singing karaoke all night last night maybe nothing to do when you're sick

you know you you've added you you extrapolated beyond r i said i said i just i was coughing so hard i threw up i've had this cough for quite some time it's not related to any cold that i have i will i will maybe maybe the karaoke is not the best thing to do with the cough that you know, maybe rest those pipes. Dan's preparing for this role as Doc Holliday in a stage production of Tombstone. Yeah.

He's method. So he's getting way into it. Yeah, I've got consumption, guys. I'm your Huckleberry. Skin, that smoke wagon. Let's skin our smoke wagons. Everybody get your smoke wagon skinned. Tombstone. That's a great, yeah, that's a great dance number there. It's interpreted by a lot of people. Yeah, very hard, easy to understand.

There's a show start, it's a bear stage, and then a single spotlight on Doc holiday, and he just looks at the audience. He lifts up his hand and goes, I'll tell you a tale of a stone, a very particular stone, a stone far from home, called Tombstone.

It's a very beautiful place. It's a very beautiful place. stone, a very particular stone, a stone far from home, called Tombstone, and that's when the audience goes, oh, they finally get it. And then like a sun rises over the stage, a giant tombstone shows up and then starts dancing. Yeah, exactly. That's when the Earp Brothers show up.

And they're like, Erpady, Erp, where are the Earps? Erpady, Erp, Erp, Erp. Oh, wow. It still sounds better than Manhattan melody by the Muppets. As far as I'm concerned, Dan, we watched that episode. We watched the Muppets save Manhattan with my son and he loved it. He was eating up that terrible musical that they do. Okay.

Also, guys, did he ask if you guys could go see that next time you guys go to Broadway? No, no, he really wants to see what the Constitution means to me Sam, he just can't stop talking about it I think ever since we got the cast album for what the Constitution means to me. He just wants to hear it all the time What are we doing this podcast? I'll answer that. It's a podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it and this time we watched Fantastic Beasts the crimes of Drundle but He really grumbled that walled this is part of the fantastic beast of verse Technically, it's the Harry Potter.

It's the wizarding world is what it's called. Yeah. And so the wizard now guys I'm gonna admit something here. I'm not super familiar with the Harry Potter world. I saw the first movie and the fifth movie and I did not see the first way to do it. It's called machete style. So you're admitting to be a little bit of a, a little bit of a can't spell, a little bit of a nomad. I mean, I mean, I think it is funny that this, this movie is the first time I heard can't spell as a slur for humans.

And I thought it was hilarious. He's like, he's got a great, he's like the muggles, the nomadges, the can't spells. And it's like, well, we can't spell. I mean, it's not a matter of like I hear no things. Based on the way a lot of their words are spelled, I think we're doing better than that. Yeah, but so I'm gonna try to do,

I wanna promise this, I'm gonna make this promise to you guys, I'm gonna make it to the audience. I'm gonna try not to do the thing where I assume the movie is being obtuse just because I haven't seen the other movies and don't know the terminology or whatever it like and don't know the characters. It's like I went to see a little movie called Avengers Endgame and yeah, you're going to shut the fuck up about it.

And I won't say anything about it except that I really enjoyed it. But I will say that in that I was like, I feel like with the Avengers movies, we are past the point where people can say, oh, it doesn't really stand alone as its own movie if you haven't seen the other ones you don't understand because that one is so explicitly the end point of a twenty some odd movie series so i'm gonna say crimes of window walled i'm gonna treat you the same way if i don't understand what's going on in the movie that's sometimes my fault because for not seeing other movies because there's lots of stuff in this movie

that didn't make sense that seems to have just sprung out of the movie. Yeah, I think Dan and I are both a little more familiar. I've definitely read all the books and seen all the movies. Yeah, I've also read all the books and seen all the movies, including the first fantastic piece. And I think we both agree. And I've also seen the stage play. Allow. So, okay, this is in a contest, but sure you win.

And I know a person who went to the Wizarding World of Flery�. Okay. Great. I mean, I know someone in Harry. Uh-huh. We both agree that this movie made very little sense. Okay, that's good to know. So, should we talk about what this movie is and try to puzzle out?

What exactly the crimes of Grindelwald are and So this is the second movie in a prequel series that follows what eight movies? There were eight yeah eight Harry Potter movies those are set in modern day And then these are set in the roaring 20s. That's right. It's which you should love right? Can you like old Tommy bullshit? Okay guys? Let's just start before I even get the movie Here's one thing I'm gonna say right off the bat. Do I love old Tommy bullshit? You know I do.

I love the past, fantastic pasts, and we're gonna find them in the past, where they exist. That's what I love. Here's the thing, movie makers. I'm just gonna lay a secret on you. They had more colors in the past than seepia brown and kind of a murky green brown Yeah, like I and gray a gun metal sort of color everything in the like so many movies now

They're set in the past and I mean this goes back 20 years now so many movies set in the past They're like the photographs from the past are all seepia and black and white. I guess that's just what it looked like back then. Like they, they're, do you remember the comic strip where Calvin's dad tells him that the past was in black and white and that's why old pictures are in black and white, but then the C.A. is coming. Ali, do I remember a specific Calvin and Hobbes comic?

I think you know the answer is yes. So that's, I feel like they, that was their dad and they're like in the past, they didn have as many colors and then in 1968 they invented colors That's not the way it was guys the color red existed back then bright blues and yellows existed So next time you're making a movie set in the past Hollywood Color it up. Come on. Don't be afraid of taste the rainbow, you know Skittles everywhere Sure, she'll save that for the uh... sponsor section but that's okay okay so the movie is at nineteen twenty seven that's right only two years before

the great depression begins everyone still have a great time they have no idea uh... and we're at like of pretty in the american magic ministries dungeon prison we're gandal walled who's kind of like a man. He's stuck in a cell with a little creature and the Americans are handing him over to the British for punishment for his crimes. The aforementioned crimes of Grindelwald which are not delineated here, it seems like things are pretty, there's

no paperwork, like things are pretty cash between in prison or handovers between America and Britain. He actually just saw it off a bunch of parking meters like in the beginning of Coohan Lewis. Oh, yeah, like in Coohan Grindelwald. Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. That this is a remake of. And he says, what we have here is a failure to communicados and then us and then us and then us and then us and then us and then a bunch of eggs flying to people's mouths.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They're like, I bet you can't eat all these eggs. Oh, Vos, Consumo, and then he just... Oh, man, what other movies would be made so much more fun if the characters could just use spells?

Is it, is it, if it was, it would really, it would take some of the... Certainly, Cramer versus Cramer would be that. Interesting. Custodium. If it's a certain jewel. Yeah.

Oh, I mean Kramer versus Kramer is probably the least of the Kaiju movies. When you think about it, like right down there with God's Eleversus Megalon is Kramer versus Kramer. Yeah. Justin Hoffman is slightly less than normal size. I mean, come on. And I'm kind of sick of those giant monster movies when it's just two of the same monster. We're one, yeah, one Kramer. We don't need a second

Kramer. Well, what if it was Kramer from Seinfeld versus Merrill Street from Kramer versus Kramer? Oh, man, it's going to be a blood bath. To be honest, two Kramer's from Seinfeld versus each other, they're perfectly matched. What would happen? Yeah. Okay, so they also, they mentioned and then we're talking about the kind of thing. And I think that's the kind of thing that we're talking about. And I think that's the kind of thing that we're talking about. And I think that's the kind of thing that we're talking about.

And I think that's the kind of thing that we're talking about. And I think that's the kind of thing that we're talking about. And I think that's the kind of thing that we're talking about. And I think that's the kind of thing that we're talking about. And I think that's the kind of thing that we're talking about. And I think that's the kind of thing there's an aerial chase involving a horse and carriage, but the horses have been batwings. And I have to admit, guys,

I could not follow what was happening in the scene. No, I had no idea what the fuck was happening. It was like explosion, magic, magic. For an action sequence, like, it's incredibly complicated and not organized very well. They also don't really, they don't,

they assume that you know everything about this situation already. Like it feels like going into this movie, they assumed you had just finished watching the first fantastic beast, maybe going out to the bathroom, come back, refresh your snacks, and then started this movie. Well, they assume that you went to see the fantastic beast's marathon that was playing at AMC to set you up for this. It's one movie so it actually wasn't that bad a marathon since yeah but there's a kid that has like a necklace in his mouth I guess I think that has something to do with Grindelwald getting his voice back but I have no idea it's not explained no it's so this

kid shows up is it and they're and they did a body swap to the face off thing yeah it turns out in the carriage snake tonne the carriage is actually some other dude who works for grindo walled and grindo walled suddenly is driving the carriage and he fills the carriage with water and the shooting magic everywhere and but it's one of the sorts of like so grindo walled was not in the carriage

white what is he doing white is he he's breaking out a guy who looks like grindo walled i don't understand it It does, anyway. I don't know what's going on. Stuart is like. I mean, I think you need to get that charm back from the guy, I think a different guy had the charm he needed.

And I guess he just wanted that really cool carriage. And he also wanted the guy body swapped with that I think lost his tongue. I mean, his tongue's just split in half. I mean, you can get that done at a tattoo parlor., yeah. I mean, they're people who do that on purpose. You use magic or nothing. Um, so, yeah. I mean, it's, it's just very complicated and it, uh, it didn't bode well for the rest of the movie, at least for me. No. And also, I was disappointed that Grindelwald, because I guess he's been kind of in jail possibly for a while. He has

a long beard and long hair. And he looks like a homeless wizard. And then he kind of looked like that at the end of the first movie when Colin Farrell morphed into him. Oh, okay. But then later on when we see him, he's had a haircut and a beard trim. And now he just looks like he has a mustache and hair made

of frosting, like he's an ice cream mascot that went mad at some point. Uh, very disappointing. Okay. So Grindelwald has escaped. Oh, no. Oh, no. Grindelwald, Committer of the aforementioned, not truly defined crimes that we don't know

what they are. We cut to London three months later. And here's our hero, Newt Scamander played by Eddie Redmane. Uh, and he's at the British ministry. No, first Redmane. played by Eddie Redmane, and he's at the British ministry. Now for his red mane. Now Eddie Redmane could be a wizard, right? That's a wizard name. It's a better wizard name than Newt Scamander,

which is, his name is Newt. How predabate. His name is Scamander. He's talking about salamanders all throughout the movie. His brother's name, Thesius. It's, it feels like the parents were really tipping the scales and they're like, ah, our eldest, theses, you shall be a great wizard.

Here comes Newt. Oh boy. Yeah. Like if you, like when you, your parents name you Jeaves, you're gonna be a butler. If they name you theses, you'll be a hero of some kind. They name you Newt. You're gonna be like a stuttering, irritating kind

of cold weird guy. I mean, mostly what you're gonna do is you're going to hang out with Ripley and Deleon. Yeah, I was, yeah, I was going to say there's, I've got, but I've got a place in my heart for only one fictional new. And it's from aliens. Mine is the new that John Cleese said he got turned into in money by the good news. But they're both better.

Nutes, you've built up quite a backstory for this new. Now here's the thing, maybe in the first movie, which I didn't see again. Newt Schemander was like a really charismatic like eccentric, like somebody who like had a lot of charm, but also like played by his own rules, so he was kind of cool. Because in Heary comes off as a real creep. Yeah, he's, I mean, he's a socially awkward guy, and I guess there's space for that, like, I think it's interesting that you choose a socially awkward character Um, who doesn't you know has trouble fitting in as your hero, but

And I don't think I'll ever say this about any movie ever again They cast him next to Dan Fogler who should have been the hero of that Like Dan Fogler is is much more interesting in fun to watch. I think at times he has more screen time. Like Eddie Redmayne is supposed to be the hero of the movie and yet he's actually not in that. It feels like he disappears from the movie for large periods of time. Well, I think the point of to defend the idea behind Newt's

gonna be an actual performance. I understand the idea because he's He's an For the audience. Okay, let me explain. I think the I notion is he's this awkward guy. He's a Extreme pacifist who only cares about his His special animals His menagerie of

Animals and so he doesn't want to like Take any side and anything that's going on, and he's this character who's forced to then step up and overcome this kind of dividends and engage with the world. But they make him so retiring that he disappears off the screen. Yeah, I mean, in some ways, he seems like a bad doctor from a bad couple seasons of Doctor Who. Where it's like, oh, here's this kind of strange eccentric who is very powerful, but does things for his own reasons and is reluctant to like play the hero,

but gets thrown in the role. And it's like, but he's so, yeah, he just is so non-existent as a personality. And he talks like this. Fantastic beast. Like so much the movie is where it's like, ah, what's that thing? Oh, that's a good glistka-losc. It's a type of animal I just turned like that. And it's like, any red man I can't.

I think the movie should have a little sign that's like, turn on the captions now. Oh, I turn the captions on real early for this movie. But he's, so there's some flaws in him as a character. There's a good way to do that character. And there's weird that in the captions, they spelled no match with a J instead of a G. I think because then it looks like it says no mag.

Yeah, but, yeah, but I don't know. I guess magic if Clyde Barker's spelling. Clyde Barker did a punch up on the subtitles. I'm this. Yeah. Suddenly he's about a midnight meet train. I don't understand. There's a reason that for no reason at all, there's a scene where a character wakes up to

find that another character has entered them in the night and they're very happy about it. Yeah. Which was I think the scene that I got too well is reading a magical where I was like, okay, I'm gonna close this book now and just gonna sit inside. Bye.

The, so I'll say, there's the reluctant hero. It's a real great trope. One of my favorite heroes of all time, you to guess it, Adam Warlock is a reluctant hero. He's the best. There's good ways to do it. Okay, so any red mane, Newt's commander, he's at the British ministry, he's got this little kind of mini-grute plant man named Pickett, and he's also got like a little platypus dude

whose name I don't remember, and there's little hench beasts. The rest of his beasts keeps inside of a magic suitcase. Which is, which is like, as my wife put it one of the like coolest magic things the idea that you have like a suitcase you carry around with you that's full of like a house and monsters and stuff. Yeah it's I mean it's it's it's reminds me of a I think something Peter Gabriel used to do in concert when he was performing sledgehammer. He can't do things to get what? Sorry you can't you can't just be out of suitcases. Well no he would he would the way I was described to me is he would take a suitcase and put it on the on the stage and open it up

And then the band would walk out of the suitcase Oh cool like there was a trap door on the stage that the suitcase went over yeah And they would play the song and then as they were finishing the song the band spoil the trick for me Sorry no Imagine the mass magician is gonna come to chop you don't have to No, the mass magician was the one who was giving away the secrets. Wow, I thought, well, maybe he sees that you're coming for his throne. Yeah.

Yeah, the revealing throne. And maybe it was the same magic snoot case that Newt used to use. I mean, this was 60, 70 years later. But that just said snoot case. Yeah, he did say snoot case. Did I say snoot case? But I, I say snoot case. Did I say snoot? I, I unlike Elliot, which is I didn't let it go. Look, you got it, you got to keep your snoot somewhere.

Yep. So that, and then when they finished the song, the band would walk back into the suitcase and he would close it up and, and walk off the stage with it, which is a pretty cool trick. Anyway, I mean, it's only, you can only do it once. Yeah, because the suitcase crushes them to death uh...

uh... so he's in trouble for whatever happened last movie something happened in new york that was bad but his brother thesis who works for the british ministry as an orr which is a kind of magic secret policeman magic i guess it's a magic cop they should just call the magic cops but so it was a j like live burger would. Yeah, yeah. Okay, for cops.

Yeah, exactly. They want, they say we need your help stopping Grindelwald from taking over the world with his magic army. And there's a boy named Credence, who I guess was in the last movie, who is, who is by Ezra Miller and Credence. who I guess was in the last movie, who is un... He's by Ezra Miller.

And Credence... DC's Flash. Yep. And Credence is trying to figure out who his parents were, and everyone knows he's a super powerful wizard, but they don't know where he came from. And Grindelwald wants Credence to join his army. We'll find out why after this. So I'm gonna stop you right there.

I think it's where it's clear while we're revival. Yeah, so... So Credence was in the first movie and he was this like abused kid who lived in orphanage and he was and he was what happens when a wizard is doesn't have a way to express their powers. So it like builds up an M and creates this like other being that's like just pure destructive energy that flies around. Oh, okay. And Grindelwald in the form of Colin Farrell was like gaslighting slash abusing this kid to try and make him more and more powerful. And then like it kind of felt like for some reason I thought he died at the end of the first movie, but clearly that didn't happen. No.

So it felt like his story, at least in that movie that kid's story was over, but I guess not because he's on this one. No, because it's as with the parts of the Caribbean or the Avengers movies, you never introduce a character and then be done with them. You got to bring them back so it like keeps accumulating characters like a snowball rolling down a hill so to get this to put it in layman's terms that i think everyone will understand credence is kind of like the century plus kid miracle man uh-huh yep okay great everyone understands that that's that's that's that's trying to catch that kid is what you're saying you're trying to catch that kid and also in a weird way kid that catch I'll explain why in a minute There's no way to explain it the phrase doesn't make sense. So the ministry is like new We want you you can't leave the country with permission with our permission unless you go after credence And you just like no, I've got to protect credence and so the ministry is gonna send some dude named Grimson Who I guess is supposed to be like a magic assassin or something like that? Yeah, and I laughed very hard because he like just at the end of the meeting where

Nute like turns down the job, he just like walks out from behind a pillar which I guess he's just been lurking the whole time. And he's like, well, I guess you're going to have to send me and it's the most ominous thing. Like, what why are you just hanging out there, dude? It means if Nute was like, okay, I'll do it, that Grimson would just have to stand waiting behind the pillar till everyone left the room. And then sneak out. He's like, I'm glad I brought some magic almonds in my pocket to snack on, because this is a long wait.

So I think what the movie is telling, what the Harry Potter stories tell us is that if you're not a wizard, it sucks to be a kid. Like you're either living under some stairs or you're in a bad orphanage. Like only wizards have good childhoods, I guess, in the Harry Potter world. Well, I mean, it's, I think it's complicated, but sure.

Okay, I mean, this is based on a sample set of two. I think, I think if you are a wizard and you're forced to live with humans, it's tough because you're not able to be yourself. I guess that's true. And you know what? This movie's all about being yourself, I think. It was kind of hard.

Cause, cause coming up, we only introduced a few of the characters. Okay, Grindelwald, he set stuff his headquarters in France. So many. To do that, he has to kill a baby. We never see that baby again. The thing I like about that scene is they go into this room. They see a baby. He leaves his henchmen.

You see the henchmen, like you see the like explosion. So the henchmen clearly kills the baby and then Grindelwald closes the door behind him so his henchmen is like just in the room with a dead baby like What are they gonna do in there? Grindelwald's like I don't care what you have to do to get rid of this thing eat it Whatever burn it throw it away. I don't care. I don't need to I'm gonna close the door you wait like a couple of minutes and then leave because it's more ominous. Dude, he operates that those baby remains away the way that they used to do with shit

according to JK Rowling. Dan is referring to JK Rowling's ability to say weird ass shit about her serious. Like, and what is this? What was the thing she said this time? She said that. The wizards didn't adopt plumbing for quite a while. Or they didn't take it, they would just ship themselves and magic the shit away. It's like JK Rowling spent years building up this fictional universe. And now she got hit on the head with a coconut.

She thinks it's really stupid. And now she's just like, I got to, I got to make this sound as dumb as possible. It's like the belief that Ozzy Osborne, when Ozzy Osborne and Randy Rhodes were in that plane accident and Randy Rhodes died, there's a belief that Ozzy Osborne actually died and that like that Sharon found somebody else entirely to be Ozzy. And that's why Ozzy's so weird now. Because that doesn't match up with the previous Aussie who was also pretty weird.

But like Aussie's like a Yoda grandma now, and I guess he has different back now. I mean, that's also the aging process, I guess, but it's a good theory. I guess we should run with it. Wait, that's gonna happen to all of us? I hate to break two stupid yes, very much so. Oh no.

We're all gonna have our own reality show that our family begrudgingly agrees to be on uh... okay so i think the rest of the family was very excited to be on it because they weren't necessarily famous before the the show that's a good point that's a good point uh... you mean you mean the man that came off the worst and looking like a senile old grandpa on the show was maybe the one who didn't want to do the show maybe wasn't the big decision maker. So it's like JK Rowling was like,

hey, you know what makes a lot of money, I assume? Red Letter Media videos that savage fictional stuff. What if I monopolized it by making the thing and then doing my own red letter media type thing? So she's like, oh, I guess these wizards just magic they're shit away. Oh, I don't know. Yeah, yeah.

I like found a plot hole. Magic doesn't Yeah, yeah. I like found a plot hole magic doesn't exist. Idiot. Guests. More put that in the goof section. Yeah. I hope that's in the goof section. I'm maybe where it's like the movie posits that in 1927 there was a war of wizards. In reality, in 1927 there was no war of wizards. So, uh, commander he, uh, he meets up with Dumbledore himself played by Jude Law. This is the Dumbledore from the later movies.

This is the character I've heard of. The Dumbledore who was revealed as gay by JK Rowling after the fact and, but it plays into these movies, I guess, and that's why she started talking about it. She said, he says Creedence is Paris, and they've got to find out if he's this fabled, like pure blood wizard that can do whatever is super powerful, they got to find out. And Dumbledore's like,

Scamander, you've got to go there and do something. Like, it's not really clear what he wants to do in Paris after he finds Creedence, but first news. I think he wants him to find credence and also stand up to Grindelwald or something because he keeps saying over and over that he can't do anything. Yes. Even though at least according to everyone, he's the most powerful wizard in the world. Everyone's like, you got to take care of him. He's like, I can't. I can't. And you're like, just just reveal the plot development that tells me why he like it's so obvious like, I can't, I can't. And you're like, just just reveal the plot development that tells me why he gets so obvious what that he can't. I start suspecting that there's magic involved. And I don't live in a world with magic. I

would imagine they would be like, is it because of this? Is it because of this other thing? I go into wizard school. We know all these things. Because all and he never explains to anybody. So it's just assumed that he's a jerk. It's like, hey, Hitler's coming up and you've got that anti-Hitler ray that you invented. Why don't you use it? I can't. Is there a reason why you can't? I just can't.

Don't ask me about it. Okay, then you're a monster, right? No, no, no. I just can't. And later it turns out like, I double-dog dare promised that I would never shoot Hitler. Oh, now I understand. Okay, well, can I use that Hitler gun then?

Okay, go ahead, take it. It's not that different from that. Anyway, we'll get to it. Wait, I just want to say that I want to say that Ellie is explaining this much more clearly than the movie explains it. So I was watching this, I was watching this with my girlfriend who I haven't mentioned before because she didn't really want to be a character on the podcast.

Too late. But you just kept doing vague references to the person you're watching Well, that's why I'm mentioning her now because she got tired of being like my movie watching friend So let's let's just get everything under the open Dan has a girlfriend now her name is pippy She's really lovely She's got long stockings. She works as a sanitation worker using her prodigious strength to lift up couches and things like that in mattresses. But anyway, her point was like, she watched the movie and was as angry as it as I was.

And she was like, the movie, the movie's plot is the simplest plot. Yes. Like, the bad guys and the good guys all want to find the same guy. But it took her her she said like almost two thirds of the movie to figure out that that was the plot because it's bumbles it's fumbled so badly i mean it's a it's a failure of both writing in terms of making anything clear

and also directing in that the scenes are not are not clearly shot or staged or acted or anything. Yeah. Everything is so, and the movie, it has that look that a British masterpiece theater productions have where the image is not quite as clear as it should be and the duck and everything is kind of like, it's staged almost as if the movie is ashamed that you're watching it and it's trying, it's like, oh, well, let's just get this over with real, real quick and quiet so that we don't bother anybody and they can get on with their

lives and they don't have to worry about this movie too much. Like the movie is so reserved that later when when Newt is riding a lion serpent beast chasing after some demon cats, where after that when wizards are creating a ring of fire to keep blue fire dragons from destroying London, I was like it felt like you're having a conversation in another room and you don't want the other people at the party to hear what you're saying because it's like you're arguing with a loved one. Like, the whole thing is done as if it would prefer you were not watching it and you were

looking at something else. So okay, this is important stuff. So of course, Newt only has a little bit of time to go to his house full of creatures and ride a kelpie around. Now, is that kelpie from the first movie or is it just a random monster? I think it's new, it's a new monster. Okay, but he's at home, so that's when his New York buddy is Queenie and Jacob stop by.

Uh oh, there are a couple of laugh-em-ups. Now, I remember in the first movie finding their relationship kind of charming, and it felt like such a weird way to like reintroduce them. There are like, there are a couple where he is and he is a no match, meaning he has no ability to use magic. He's a cat spell. He can't spell. Yep. And she is, she is a wizard. And she has the power to read minds, right? Yeah. She's sort of like a, a bit of like a dizzy Marilyn Monroe type a little bit. Like Audrey, like Audrey from Low Shop of Horrors.

Yeah, yeah, and he's like a Jackie Gleason in the Honeymooners type. It's like, it's like, it's played by Dan Fogler in this case. And it's like the characters should clash in funny ways, and maybe they do in the first movie. And every headman is always like, oh, we have to, I would have done it. And they're like, hey, good to see you, new doll pal, all buddy, hey. Oh, newt, oh, it's so wonderful to see you.

Oh, so sweet, that it out like that's the way they talk basically. Like they, they're, they're like characters that stepped out of a looney to in scarthuna essentially. Yeah, and I think, I mean, I feel like in the first movie, all the characters had, these two characters had a little more internal life, maybe like they had something going on in their life other than

their most immediate relationship drama. But yeah, they have some drama because they cannot be married, at least in America, because Wizards can't marry, you know, can't spells. So she has enchanted him and taken him to London to, I don't know, get married to him. It's like, well, she, she like, getting a fight and she disappears. Basically just dropping him off so he can go on an adventure. Yes, she put a spell on him to overcome his objections to they're getting married since it's illegal and Newt breaks that spell and they get into a fight

and she runs off. They also drop the news in the most artificial way possible. Oh, yeah, so Tina is that her name? You're your girlfriend from the first movie Tina Goldstein. She's a she's dating somebody new and we saw in this famous Wizard's magazine and it was not it's not wizard magazine published by Gary Because if it was wizard magazine, I would have read that issue because I was a Religious subscriber to wizard for years, you know, it're familiar with Wizard, the Guide to Comics, I assume. Yeah, and then you actually have Wizard.

Wizard from 1927 would have been worth quite a bit of money. I'm familiar with the giant ads of Red Sonia and a Thong. They would always stick in the middle of that magazine. Yeah, sure. So it made it hard to read on the bus and the casting call where they were cast movies based on who looked most like a superhero. What movie would they be casting in 1927? I mean, there was only, there were no superheroes at the time.

So it would be like the Fou Man Chou movie or like, maybe like the spider, like a pulp hero. That's cool. They would go to the price guide in the back of a 1927 issue of Wizarding. It would say no comics yet. Come back later. It would say, it would say famous phones number one only comic 25 cents I also have to say that in this scene they wave away the facts that in the first movie

Dan Fogler had his memory wipe So he would not remember anything about the wizards and they just wave it away being like oh, you know That spell only takes away bad memories, but I didn't have any bad memories. They're only good memories. So I remember, and it's like, that's a pretty big fucking loophole in this spell. It's a huge like, if you were going to do that, why didn't you just come up with something like, yeah, we remember, we gave you a potion at the end of the last movie. So the spell would work on your remember.

Yeah, we're just don't we crossed our fingers behind our back when we made that spell. We're just don't do that spell. Since clearly for the next movie He needs to remember all this stuff like yeah, they also tell him that they're like we saw you in this wizard magazine that you got engaged to lead a Lestrange congratulations and he's like no, it's my brother Thesis who is engaged to leader and I'm like it's the silliest bullshit it's so dumb like it's the fakest like forced drama where they're like, well, Tina's mad at you now and it's like, it's gonna take two thirds of the movie before you have a chance to explain.

And when you do have a chance, it's gonna take forever because you're not good at that. Yeah, it's like it's a death ring idiot. Because he's a stuttering mumbling prick as Joe Pesci might say. There's also something about the names in the movie where they're like, it's like, Jake hereK. Rallings, like, I need some fantastical names for these characters.

Newt Scamander, Thesia Scamander, Albus Dumberdor, Grimblewald, Tina Goldstein, and I'm like, uh, I was saying to my wife, I was like, she was watching with me and I was like, she's like, Tina Goldstein is not the most exciting name. I'm like, maybe that's an exotic sounding name to J.K. Rallings. I don't know how many Jewish people she knows like I don't know. So, uh, so Queenie runs off. Jacob goes on an adventure with Newt, uh, and they and Newt learns that Tina is in Paris also. So Newton, Jacob set off to Paris courtesy of a magic bucket that they jump into. They go to a they go to a rocky cliff so they can jump into a magic bucket and get into Paris. Meanwhile, we cut to Paris

Yeah, there a lot of these spells have like these little filigrees Like due to ads that you're like is that necessary for the spell like why I'm like is the Bucket why is the bucket on a cliff? Like how is what what universe is this where the natural the natural magical laws of the universe say to travel from England to France, you need to put a bucket on a cliff and then get, and then jump in it. So Tina's, she goes to Paris and she walks through a magic statue to get to magical Paris. And Tina, we mentioned that Tina is a magic cop. Oh, Tina is also an order.

Yes, she is a magic cop. Yes, she also an order. Yes, she's a magic cop. Yeah, yeah, she's she's it's just like second-day. The jurisdiction. Yeah, actually where is her jurisdiction? Because she works for the American Ministry and their and the British Ministry is also there and they're both in Paris which the France French has its own ministry. So like what's the do they just have a French? The French don't seem to recognize that she's even there.

So maybe she's operating, you know, under deep cover. I think that could be a, I'm, I just like Nicole Kidman in destroyer. She was played by Catherine Waterston, who you may know from inherent vice or being Sam Waterston's daughter, uh, in case you want to visualize, I mean, in case your friends with the Waterston family, that's where you would know her from. Yeah, send her a card to congratulate her for being in Grindelwein.

So she goes to a street fair and then in the magic circus. In the magic circus. And that's where Credence is working. And he's in love with a woman named Nagini who's on display because she turns into a snake sometimes. No, this is like a magic circus, right? Yeah.

Because I was confused why all these magicians were amazed by a lady turning into a snake. Well, because she's a freak because she has a curse on her where she's much like Cobra Commander in the GI Joe movie where they go after a certain, where they build Sir Pentor, right? Or they go to Cobra Law, whatever it isantoor right or they go to a cobra law whatever it is they uh... she is she's turning into a snake over time until

one day she will be just a snake yeah I mean I guess humans go and see things that are not amazing all the time like I went to the Brooklyn Museum the other week and there's a whole section of it that's just farm animals and I'm like uh... can we skip this section and my girlfriend's like no let's go see the farm animals I own like but i grew up near farms i don't like why i mean that i'm like other sheep the sheep are still cute hot hot shoe been there done that i like how it's

your frame of reference you're like farm animals are boring everyone agrees with that no they're not i live in a city i never see animals of any kind except pigeons and rats what what is this thing? A pig a sheep these are fantastic beasts Where do I find them? And and and and and and and Dan's like Brooklyn Museum making me look at farm animals. This is a crime Worthy of Grindelwald. I guess I mean on the moral of the story who was that I did enjoy the farm animals So I guess go to that magic circus wizards. They're gonna be stuff that you're excited to see. This is important because Nagini as a

snake is a is a big part of the original Harry Potter books because she is one of she is the familiar and one of the horror cruxes of of Voldemort. Oh I didn't know that okay. Yes and uh... you just thought it was a being able snake but in fact it's an asian yeah there was uh... there i think she's korean i believe that there's a there's a day and no i know that i was going to be a little more specific uh... but i think there was like a bit of a controversy about like

all like this this well that like this or corrects against destroyed, this, this, this one, like this horcrux that gets destroyed and this later book turns out she was like this innocent Korean lady. And there was like a bit of like a, that's a weird choice guys. Like, let's just, I mean, yeah, and it's, it's also weird because like, she doesn't do anything at all in the movie. No, she doesn't, she barely even helps credence. She's just there to, as basically window dressing.

I mean, she's the reason that Credence leaves his job at the circus, I guess, but why did he ever need to have a job at the circus? Like it does. And they, I feel like they're both underserved in the, like a movie that is already too stuffed. They're both underserved in that they don't, they like, we don't really get either their motivations

other than Credence is basic. I need to know about my family. I mean, not since Waiting for Gado has a character been so talked about and yet done so little in a dramatic production. Like every scene is, it's like Poochy. Like every scene is like, where's Credence? Got to find Credence. What's Credence up to? And then you see Credence and it's like poochie like every scene is like where's credence gotta find credence? What's credence up to and then you see credence and he's like?

Boo boo boo. I wish I knew my parents were Boo boo and that's it. He doesn't do anything else. So Anyway, there's also we have a orphan listener right now who is slamming Stop and drag this into their eye up. I apologize. I am in no way look if you don't know who your parents are I totally understand wanting to get that closure on your life and your background. I would, if you had magic powers, I would imagine you might be able to do it

in a more exciting way than Creedence does, which is mainly wandering around Paris with a mobio look on his face, with his girlfriend. He is, this credence is not a fortunate son. Okay. I think there's a very bad moon rising. Is that a green clear water song? Yep.

Okay. Good work. Is, uh, is, wait, is also that my back door song? Is that what? Yep. Yep. Okay. Okay.

It's like he should be doing more than do, do, do, look it out his back door. Yep. Maybe he, maybe he should fear the Reaper. No, that's blue oyster cult, isn't it? Yeah. Oh boy. Different band. Okay. So, anyway, they escape, they escape in the process. They let loose that kind of giant lion monster serpent. And Tina finds this guy whose name I could never catch who is who says, oh, Credence is this is a pure blood. And I'm looking for him. Then Grindlewald shows

up to Credence and said, oh, no, it doesn't show up. Sorry, he just talks about how he wants credence because Credence is the only wizard who can kill Albus Dumbledore. Bump, bump, bump, a magic bucket. Newt goes to where the circus was and he investigates by kind of a Boundox Saints re-enacting what we just saw two scenes earlier. He's like, ah, this magic shows me there was a circus over there And credence was here and Tina was there and I'm like, dude, we just saw this like you like we can we skip you Finding these things out that we just but also he like runs after Tina being like Tina Tina It's like you did the spell dude. You know how it works. Why are you like? Oh, she's right here

It's like in a cut movie if someone was watching security camera footage and saw someone they knew on the screen and we're like hey Billy and knocking on the screen hey why y'all tiny and black and white look at me come on uh so anyway newt so queeny wanders around in the rain looking for Jacob and she's has some kind of breakdown and when a grindo while its followers finds her uh uh uh part of this scene requires you to like it took me a little while to remember like, oh yeah, she can read mine and this is probably weird for her. Yeah.

But like not enough of the movie had indicated that was going to happen. This is also at this point was when I started to realize maybe this isn't Noot Schemander's movie. This maybe this is more of a like a dickensian like multiple characters intersecting and lots of different plot lines and secrets because it's around here that the movie said dickensian because it's at an olden times uh... you mean a different olden times then the one dickens was said into dickens

nineteen twenty seven was the far future a fantastical era of fantastic beasts and grindo waltz and wars between magic users uh... can you imagine if they found i wonder if they found like an old Charles dickens manuscript that was about a wizard that thing would sell like hotcakes right that would be a huge hit i guess i'm saying is or like uh... like uh... dickens thing that's like uh...

uh... like a why a story about vampires and world's book you know i mean you never you never finish the mystery of Edwin Druid. Maybe a bunch of wizards came in at the end. Maybe it was his plan. I mean, maybe Luke Skywalker jumped in at the end. Who knows, we could throw it in and we want Netflix. That's awesome.

But like, he's fucking awesome this time and he battles and shit instead of being a whimp. Yeah, that would be so funny if the mystery of Edwin Druid was supposed to end with all the characters from his previous book coming back in a shared Dickens verse. And so it's just like a lot of like, uh, how am I going to stop them? And then Pip shows up. You have my, you have my strong right hands.

And then you know, like, and like, uh, David Copperfield shows up. And he's like, let's feel this copper. And they all have their catch phrases, you know, all of her twists, too. Of course, can twist like, like plastic or rubber. He has that power, he comes into. Yeah, and they have to go to the future to prevent Alan Moore from writing a story about them. This, boys.

And making them have sex for some reason. Alan Moore's gonna make us all have sex of weird ways. We've got to stop him. Or normal ways, it depends. Yeah, I mean, if it's Alan Moore, it's probably gonna be pretty weird, but but okay, maybe, you know what? Maybe there's no weird way to have sex.

Hey, Dan. Oh, my God. It's coming to an important life lesson. I mean, I've certainly tried all the ways I could and none of them seemed that weird to me, so. I mean, that seems like a failure of your imagination. Oh, yeah. How many times have you done it between two big slices of bread

like you were part of a sandwich? You're right. Checkmate Dan. You're right. Uh, Credence and Nagini, oh so anyway, because this movie is about to stop being about nude and start being about the family of Lita Lestrange, which we'll get to.

So Credence and Nagini, they find this, the old servant who was working for his mother who gave him up for adoption. And then they're attacked by Grimson. Creedinson fights back by becoming an angry smoke monster. Stuart now that I know that he has this kind of dark side to him that makes more sense to me. And he just makes that. He makes that. That's a, that seems a mess. He's just hurling the room at Grimson over and over again. And then Grimson just leaves. And this would be cooler. I think if it was clear what was going on like again you know i think that would have i think the whole movie would

would follow that that that that that's true that that that that that guess I'm trying to say that I feel like the action scenes are particularly poorly choreographed and unclear. Yeah, and I think the idea of like a room exploding and then like the shards being thrown over and over again At like an impenetrable bubble like trying to crash into is like meat and kind of scary But it's it's hard to figure out what's going on for a while. Yeah, I mean, most almost all action scenes are better when it's defined. Like, there's a little more rules definition and knowing what the stakes are and knowing what's going on. That's why I like, you know, like good martial arts movies are the same way. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

So we find out Grimson is working for Grindelwald. And I guess he attacked in order to have the same first part of their name. Yeah, all the grids work together. The Grindelwald, Grimson, Grimus, Grimus is there too, right? He's one of the bad guys. Yeah. It's unclear what it's like is Grimson supposed to be making credence distrust the ministries

by attacking him so that he'll go into the hands of Grindelwald, like how does Grimson fit into Grindelwald's plan? It's a very elaborate way, I think, to keep him searching for answers about his background. I guess so. I mean, as it turns out that the maid or the servant that he was interviewing, it turns out they were talking

about different babies the entire time anyway. So the whole thing was spoiler for later in the movie. But you see, like, spoiler alert for the movie we're describing in detail right now. In case you're gonna listen to this and go watch Grindelwald. You don't want to know what happens. So Jacob and Newt, they find that guy that Tina met and he goes, I'll take you to her and he imprison them in a dungeon. So he can go kill Credence, but then he drops unconscious and pick it the little plant man opens the gate. So it's one of those moments where you're like, why did any of this

just happen? Hold on a second. They were trapped by two seconds. The guy who was gonna go kill Creedence, I was like, oh, they're gonna have to break out and catch him and stop him. No, he literally just drops. It's, I thought, dead for no reason. And, was that because you had like a parasite in him? I couldn't figure this out.

Yeah, we find out later. Well, I think they had to have a way for Newt's commander to save the day again. And that's why pulling strings out of a guy's eyeball yeah he pulls a little wormleach out of the guy's eyeball with a pair of tweezers in the only real body horror moment in the movie uh... you're just a regretful

you're like i thought this was a current break film i got my print window walled cronon bird they're pretty similar uh... it's like when the ones be better if they were fleshy and twitchy? I mean, where are the weird gynecological instruments? Guys, I agree with all of what you're saying right now. I can never get over the fact that the movies are supposed, the wizards are supposed to be kind of tough and imposing, but they all do their magic by holding out tiny sticks

that get their words to go. So they're always like, aha! And they bring out that tiny stick and every time it's like hilarious looking to me. No. So it's like if it was like, I'm a, like if the punisher you had a gun that shot noodles, basically,

like that's what it feels like to me. And he's like, I'm gonna punish you by hitting you 50 times the wet noodle. And he's just shooting noodles to people. So new teams that lion serpent beast that escape from the circus and stuff's in his suitcase. Hey, is that lion's shirt? I kind of like that fantastic beast.

It's a cool fantastic beast. It is genuinely fantastic. And I bet you like it because it acts like a cat. Yeah. Or else for you, that would, that signals a thing that will give you way too much attention and you are allergic to exactly it would love me and I'd be sneezing the whole time oh forget about it finally we go to where we always want to go like your wife wait what just like your wife love you but unfortunately she

made you sneeze well only because she uses a a pepper based deodorant Yeah, this is another one of those scenes while while I like this fantastic beast They were like right at the end of one scene and they hear a roar and he's like oh that must be the monster And then all of a sudden they're just in the street and people are like freaking out because of monsters breaking Yeah, here's here. All right. Here's something that I want to ask the movie is like the movie knows that newt has no idea what he's doing so the movie's like let's just keep throwing things at him we'll just keep things going here's a thing that I was unclear on yeah so like much of the first movie is concerned with how they have to keep uh... magic a sequel secret from the muggles constantly in this movie

big things are happening out like magic things are happening in the world and no one seems to be concerned and i'm like are there just wizard's around like normal thing this i don't know what's happening i wasn't sure what things were happening in real Paris and what things were happening in magic Paris that you get to a walking through a statue's pedestal so like some of that is it like walking through the portal in city in the city by china me a bill exactly that's probably what they were thinking about they made like it. Like in Eastern European city, sharing the same dimensional space as a Western European city-ish, but they cross over in some weird places and you can see kind of silhouettes of the other city. It's really great. It's great. It's great. What kind of beast are they fantastic?

Well, I mean, the beasts are humans because they act terrible to each other and it's all about a murder. Okay, but you're right Dan, it's like, well it's kind of a, I mean, to be honest, I don't understand why the wizards need to keep themselves a secret. Why do they, are they, like, they're... Because humans can't know that gods walk amongst them, Elliot. But I have an idea. That's Grindelwald talk. Yeah, but also the world would be so much easier to understand if wizards were like, hey, we're around magic exists.

This is how we use it. Some people can. Some people can't. That's just the way that you know what? All the religions that everybody has been fighting wars over for thousands of years. Let's just settle that right now. Magic exists and this is how it works. So now you know what to believe in.

It's like, it's the same way that like any movie, and it's because it's for like budget reasons, I guess, or to set it in the real world, but any movie where there's like vampires or werewolves or monsters and they're like, we must keep ourselves a secret for the humans will never understand. It's like, well, why don't you explain it to them? And then maybe they'd understand it.

Like, I don't know. That's kind of what, that's in a way the, what Marvel traded on with the end of the first Ironman movie to have Ironman just revealed that he's Ironman. Yeah, so trained by all other genre media to be like, oh, they have to keep this shit secret. Yeah, well similar to what a what a great moment. When you were in the theater when you first saw that. Oh, yeah, it was wonderful. And you were like, what? Huh? Yep. And then he slipped on his sunglasses and it went, wow! To see a sign Miami. And I'm just lucky that there was a popcorn in my popcorn bucket because it just flew up in the air.

I was so in the direction. Well, my erection. It should have long gone blasted after. Well it's a direction. Well, my erection, which is long gone blessed. Well, it goes to I didn't know the popcorn. It just sat there. I'm used to it. Like an hour and a half. Wait, so I'm used to like, had you prepared? Had you prepared? Had you prepared an erection? Just in case you might find a use for it. And then it you were like, no, I went there with a date, but my date left early on. She had already seen iron man and uh... didn't want to watch

it again for some reason i mean i watched that multiple times in a row uh... yeah alright let's get off this so that we go to hog works and get off to her select erection and uh... the ministry busts in and they're like dumbled work double door we need to fight grindo walled and goes, I can't, I just can't. And he gets put in her house magic arrest. They put magic cuffs on him. And while they're there, we enter the longest flashback sequence that I was not expecting,

where Lita Lestrange, who I assume is there because she has a job to do, she's just wandering around and she looks at some old desks and remembers being a student there and how she was very lonely and made a boy's mouth disappear with a spell. And then she bonded with young scamander while he was taking care of a baby raven. And I was like, okay, flashback over. No, the flashback continues because then later in class,

Dumbledore has them confronting their greatest fear in front of everybody, which seems like a real... Yeah, yeah. Which was... They're confronting a boggert, which is like a creature that's not as yourself as your okay, but it seems like something that's in the, and I think it was introduced in what prisoner ask a band man, I'm not as big a pot head.

Yeah, I'm a huge pot head. But like, it is, it is weird to watch it. Like, imagine being with a group of other like teenagers or pre teenagers and have to confront the thing you're most frightened of. I mean, I'm assuming they would of other like teenagers or pre-teenagers and have to confront the thing you're most frightened of. I mean, I'm assuming they would all be like either other kids laughing at you or something that you would much rather not people see. Yeah, it seems like a huge break of,

you know, the confidentiality you should have as a human being to be like, everybody, let's see what everybody's greatest fear is, unless this is like one of those acting classes where they're like, look, if you're going to really act, you have to be emotionally naked before the audience. So first, let's be emotionally naked before the class and physically take off your clothes everybody. And then the police come in and they go, we're shutting down this acting class.

It's not okay. Okay, we're the hidden cameras. What hidden cameras there, there, there and all the students are like putting their clothes back on and they're like, this is ridiculous. Myzner method. So yeah, we see Lita's greatest fear is, I guess a baby wrapped in a sheet. Yeah, well, you don't quite see what it is yet.

You just know that it looks human. You just know that it's human. Yeah, but it looks like a human shaped cloth kind kind of fluttering around so i thought she was afraid of sirc de soleil is what i got and newt's greatest fear is working in an office and he's so he turns a desk into a dragon and double doors like excellent excellent total wonderful it's like i get it okay fine uh... and so the flashback is finally over in the present a Dumbledore shows up and they both talk about how they've lost people in their lives,

but she's all, hey, you don't know the real me and I, they do not become friends. Uh, Queenie meets Grindelwald. Nothing much happens after that. Okay. And then, yeah, I mean, he explained like, so her drive is that she wants to be able to marry a non wizard. Yeah. So he kind of plays on that. He's like he clearly sees that she's like an Anakin Skywalker and he's like, has anyone ever told you the story of Darth Plagius. Yeah, but I didn't quite get this though because like Grand wall toll thing is the superiority of the wizard race, but somehow she plays on Queenie being like under me You'll be able to marry your muggle boyfriend and it's like well that doesn't follow at all I mean he's supposed to be very convincing. I mean that's one thing they mentioned about him at the beginning Yeah, I know it just it just seemed like a weird like I would I would I would understand it much more if it was just like clear

That he put a spell on her or something. I mean, I mean what what could have made I mean they could have started maybe put that Scream and Jay Hawkins song on I put a spell on you and she's like oh, I get it. Okay, but the I think he either they're either making her they're Either making him like so powerful at Convincing people of stuff or they're just making her an evil bad person. Yeah. I mean, the thing is Queenie does not strike me and this is not to cast this version on her. She's not the brightest bulb in the bunch. And so I don't think she is so adept at poking holes in idealized holdings in consistencies. So, but she needs to debate. So you're saying that the force it exerts power on weak minds. Exactly. Thank you. Yes. It's all Star Wars in the end. But then we come to maybe my favorite part of the movie for the wrong reasons where Dumbledore stands in front of a magic mirror and remembers his relationship with Grindelwald and they were young and it's shot like the total eclipse of the heart music video. There's a lot of and it's like I'm like, oh, you could so easily remove this section and just put in 80s, like nostalgia, lost love valid over it. And it would look exactly.

That is like, whereas like walking through like a loft apartment that has a lot of like blowing curtains. Exactly. But also, I feel like, in this sequence, like, you're, I felt like, all right, we all know that Dumbledore's gay at this point. Like, it's been like widely reported the jk ralings like okay canonically double doors gay but the movie

seems scared of like explicitly being like hey he and uh... cripple wand like had a relationship together i think i feel like there's i feel like they're kind of saving it for the third movie but i'd like to make that into a big reveal and it a shouldn't be a big reveal and be like it's already been revealed. People know. Yeah, I mean, didn't she say that they had an intense sexual relationship? Yes, but that was like, she often decides not to talk about how like, seems like the movie scared of it. I don't know. She also said something about how like the reason he didn't stop Voldemort is because he was

romantically attracted to him or something and I'm like, he was like a kid, right? That's fucked up. Well, it's also, it's all the worst, she's playing into all the worst stereotypes of the people who didn't want gay people to fight in the military. They were like, how are they going to be able to shoot the enemy soldiers when they're so attracted to them? Which, like, we want them to kill not to kiss. Like, for the idea that Dumbledore is always like,

well, I'm the most powerful wizard in the world. I guess I'll stop this bad guy. Hello, sailor. Well, well. Dumbie like, well, how about a taste of his wand? Oh, too bad. Oh, naughty. I basically just turned him into like a British sitcom's idea of a gay person.

But it feels like- I'm not gay in the village type thing. Yeah, the idea that he's totally disarmed. And it's, although it's such an old trope, and now I'm turning on, now I'm disagreeing with myself, it's such an old trope to have like the seductress queen like a Morgan Lafay type who can who can bend men to her will because she's so eluring. Maybe JK Rowling is just positing that. These are like, this is just a non heterosexual normative way of having these villains who are like so powerfully attractive that they disarm the hero, except when it's Johnny Depp

and he looks like an old Mr. Whipple who stumbled into a punk barber shop and got his hair done and he's like, oh, the wife think about this. Maybe it doesn't work quite the same way. Yeah, it's like a skinny Julian Assange with cataracts. Also, they were kids at the same time, I guess, but Dumbledore has aged so much better than Grindelwald. Maybe that's just good, clean living.

But, yeah, yeah. I don't know. So anyway, they have that great music video, Love Affair. But they're doing a blood brother thing, which is important. Yes. Yeah, their blood flies up in the air and then magically

turns into a little locket, which I don't know, like I feel like so much of this movie for a movie that doesn't. And then Angelina Julie comes up with another one for my collection. But there's so much of the movie feels like it's stuffed with characters, but it doesn't give any character actually a full arc. But anytime there's an opportunity to have both characters and the audience like gasp and awe at special effects, it seems to take it like everybody seems so interested in watching a fucking feather fly around.

I mean, a best picture-winning movie was about that. It's called Forest Gump. Uh-huh. Yeah, you're right. But so, uh, so, Newt pulls that worm out of that guy's eye and then Tina, because for no reason, she's just like, well, you've got it all in hand. I'm going to leave now. Like, it's just because they need them to leave the room basically.

Uh, Newt goes after Tina and she says, I know you hate horrors and he goes, no, I think you're a good or and they see magic black drapes flying around everywhere and tina goes grinda wall is calling his followers and everyone's kind of laid back about it no one seems that worry that grinda wall dissenting out this huge message why is he doing it now i don't know but grinda wall has found credence and rather than

it's this this movie is like edging us constantly because Grindelwald is like, Kradins is like, tell me about my true identity. Grindelwald goes, no, but here's a map to a tomb where you'll find the information and I'll meet you there tonight. And it's like, dude, you're right there.

Just tell him already. I got another fetch quest. Yeah. Like first, you need to go to the cemetery in Paris to find a Pokemon Go that's over there. And once you capture Charizard, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha is the other guy who is trying to kill credence and meets an elderly can't alchemist named Flemmel who I guess is a is referenced in the Harry Potter books or what? Yeah, he's the alchemist who made the philosopher stone from the first from the first Harry Potter book. And this character he is such a Tom Bombadil type he's just kind of like hops around being like an eccentric goof and and he

shows Jake. He looks like he looks like miracle max from a he's dread knowledge. Dan, what were you saying? Oh, he looks like miracle max from Princess Rhyde. Yeah, he does. I was like, they were part of me that was like, oh, okay. So if Robin Williams was alive, he would have played this character.

Like that's yeah, that he's very much that guy. And I know miracle max was played by Billy Crystal. It's the same type of character. They do the same stuff. Okay. So they look in that in the Palantir. And he shows Jacob that Queenie is going to be at the cemetery. Jacob's like, that's all I need to know.

And then, and Flamma was like, no, no, but there's like a Pallantir it leads, it can lead you astray like Tennethore and Sauramon with both letters. Trey. Yeah, I just hope the words are right out of my mouth. And, but then it shows that there's going to be, that bad stuff is going to happen because because Grinda Wald is going to hold a rally in the cemetery. And then a magic and then we basically see like a sped up version of the end of the

movie and the kind of and then flammel takes down a magic book and the magic book talk stume and says you've got to go deal with this. And it's like, why didn't why do we have to see any of this why didn't he just go also i feel like you're you're doing that magic book uh... a disservice by not mentioning the person in that magic book that talks to him is both of your former co-worker just go Williams

oh you know what i did not even recognize her here's the thing uh... what's the last place i expected to see just Jessica pop up inside a magic book and a fantastic beast movie? Yes. Fancy fancy seeing you here, but I know she's also friends with JK Rowling because I think they share a birthday. Oh, cool. So yeah, maybe Jessica's the one who's given her all these great ideas. I would never know Jessica's way too smart to do that. I think given her all these great ideas. I would never, no, just because the way too smart to do that. No, but maybe she's doing it as like a funny, like a game thing. Like, yeah.

She's been pranking JK all these years. Like years later, she's gonna be like, JK, this world's terrible idea. So I kept, I kept fucking with you. And I kept expecting you to catch on. But sometimes, like, sometimes your friends don't give you the best advice and things, you know? She's like, JK, this time I was the one JK, just kidding.

You shouldn't have done any of that stuff. And I imagine the whole time she's like, okay, next, you should have these characters, you should have a, newt should be the hero of the movie, but he shouldn't really do very much. And instead spend a lot of time on this other character's parentage. And JK Rowling will be like, I wrote the best-selling book

series in the history of books, but OK, I'll take your advice. It doesn't sound like good storytelling to me, but OK. Anyway, so I feel bad. I didn't see that. Anyway, Newt disguised himself as Thesius, his brother to get into the ministry. That disguise disappears almost instantly. And they want to get credence's records.

Thesius seems to think that credence is lead us lost brother and his boss tells credence it tells the seasis to arrest everyone at the rally uh... and the seasis is like no like if we're to if we push too hard it'll just push more people to grindo wall's hands and they're like forget about it uh... and the seasis almost stops Tina newt but tina cassis spell that ties into a chair much like dana gets grabbed to that chair with the arms and ghost busters. But then these guys, I guess, freeze himself between scenes because later we just see him

and he seems fine. And then it cut to its night at the time. Unlike, unlike Dana and ghost busters, who is not, not definitely not fine. She is not fine. She gets taken over by, is it the gatekeeper? Yeah. because she's waiting for the keymaster and so man we're not realize was a dirty joke until I was an adult I mean it's like what's the dirty joke it's nothing oh explain sex to you later I mean it's it's halfway a

dirty joke and halfway like a real magic thing yeah it's also I mean it's more of a dirty joke and half way like a real magic thing. Yeah. It's more of a dirty joke in that Madonna song where she talks about, open your heart to me, I have the lock and you turn the key. Which always made me think. Oh. And it made me think that she was. Stuart just became a man. Well, now the thing is he was never bar mitzvah so it had to happen sometime. Now, I was doing the impression of JK Rowling when Jessica Williams explains the JK just

kidding. That's what that means. All this time I've discovered my true parentage. When she says, now maybe I'm doing sex wrong, but I don't usually do a lot of turning. When she says, you turn the key. You're supposed to rotate. Like, how do I do it like skitter around like a spider? But I don't know.

Well, that's what a lazy Susan is for. So it's Susan who's supposed to do the turning. All right. OK. Very complicated. You know guys, there's no weird way to do it. It turns out. So there's a scene that to do it it turns out uh...

and so there's a scene that is so inexplicable where jacob is in this tomb that everyone seems to go to without seeing each other and someone with a wand is like hey stop right there and i don't think we ever find out who that person was with the ones because it doesn't match up with any of the scenes that occur later like that it's crazy and it's with the disappears and then reappears later i mean i

guess magic exists but it's if ever there was a scene where the movie would have been made better it to if you excise that moment and no one would have noticed i was just so baffled by it uh... that anyway newt in the ministry in the records room which they get into amazingly easily they go up to the the old lady runs the records room who's essentially the same old lady who runs the archives the jedi academy in the records room, which they get into amazingly easily. They go up to the old lady who runs the records room, who's essentially the same old lady who runs the archives at the Jedi Academy in the story of St. Nicholas. And they're like, yeah, we're here to find the records for Lita, the strange. I'm Lita. And this is Maya fiance. You think that what you think that Thesias is co worker and Lita's co worker would maybe recognize them and know

they're engaged, but instead, and she doesn't even ask them for ID. She's just like in the back. And I was like, not a lot of security at this magic archive that has all these magic secrets in it. Come on. You've been great if it cut to her desk and a copy of the magazine that has the Newton Lita news on it. Yeah, because also they're also supposed to be famous, right? Yeah. Yeah. It's a small, it's small world. This was a ring world. I guess it's like a, she's but she's elderly. And so I guess it's like when my grandmother's best friend, a man named Owl, who's a great guy, he was, he said to me, what do you think? Owl? No, no, his

name is Owl. Owl, like the bad guy in, uh, in Sekiro, Shadows, that's why. No, not at all. No, he said, he said to me once, he's, you know, he's a man in his, in his late 70 guys. No, not at all. No. He said to me once, he's a man in his late 70s. Now, actually, no, now he's in his 80s, I guess. He said to me. OK, get it right, Alex. It's very important. He goes, what do you think about this new music these days? And I'm like, well, what do you mean?

And he goes, well, it sounds, I don't like it at all. I mean, Patty Smith, Bruce Springsteen. And I was like, oh, you mean old music. I don't know. I don't know. That was so funny. his, his frame of reference for new music was Patty Smith. I was like, oh, you mean music from before it was born. Okay.

Sure. So maybe she's like that. She's like, I don't know these newfangled celebrity wizards. I just remember the great wizards of the of the 1870s, like Edwin Booth, you know, and people like that. So anyway. So, I'm gonna go to Tesla. Newt kind of stumblingly romances, Tina.

They have to find these records so they can find creatives. There is no time to lose. Time for them to have a very stumbling, halty conversation with a reveal that, hey, they're not in relationships and they do kind of like each other. And it takes so long that you keep expecting it to be interrupted again, because it's one of these scenes where like, if Newt just spits out from the beginning, oh, it's been a mistake this whole time,

I'm not engaged to anyone, you know, seen over, but he like dithers around and like, he's like, what you do? I'm terribly pretty, don't you know? And like, it's like, just get to it, because you keep expecting like, I don't know, like wolves it's like just get to because you keep expecting like I don't know like wolves Yeah, I interrupt things

And so and well they're doing this they're taking so long with this that the real leader Opens up the files because I guess she went in through the back door of the archives or maybe the woman at the front desk was like Who are you? I'm I'm lead a little strange. Oh, you were just here a couple seconds ago Why don't you go in and meet yourself like it's The uh or the old lady is like am I a grout am I at a groundhog's day right now the same person came by Leeda finds this note that says the family records were moved to her family tomb. Uh-oh But then they all have to run away because The library and finally realizes there's something afoot and brings over some demon guardian cats and

yeah now did you expect when she walked out she walked out so seriously I expected her to like morph into another character that we already knew yeah I thought she was going to bring the wall to something she's just like a super serious archivist yeah I also want to say that like for people who like think that the casino planet thing in the last Jedi is a waste of time, this is the true waste of time. This like going into the ministry and being like, oh sorry Mario, your princess is in another castle. It's like, fuck you movie. I mean, it basically exists. This scene exists so that Newt can can fight off the demon cats by bringing his lion beast

out of the suitcase. So the and the lion beast only exists so he can fight off the demon cats here so if you remove this archive section you can also remove the lion beast which means you can also remove the circus which means you can make the movie a lot clearer and simpler and faster yeah so I guess what I'm saying Dan is you're wrong they needed to junk this thing up with a lot of junk. This movie is, it's just like a sack labeled story that they're just shoveling things into. So, uh. They go right over to the tomb, right?

Yes, everyone meets up at the little... No, no set stops, they go to the tomb. They go, well, they all get, eventually, they all get to the strange family tomb. And this tomb, everyone walks into the same room that shows the same statue. And yet, none of them seem to see each other when they walks into the same room that shows the same statue, and yet none of them seem to see each other when they walk into this one room.

They just kind of, they only notice that they're also in this room when they have to notice them, and I'm like, okay, so is this a magic room? Like how come nobody's, nobody's, it's like the state room scene and night at the opera, if nobody noticed all the other people

were in the room with them, I'm like, I don't understand what's going on in this room. This movie, if you're not on camera at that moment, then nobody in the movie can see you. It's, I don't get it. Now I want to say before you explain this next scene, this is the, for me, this was the most angry making scene in a picture full of angry making scenes. And I'll explain after you explain it, but I just want to So this is the audience. This is the double revelation scene. Yes. Okay, so they go there and parasite guy explains to everybody that Yusef Kama, I think is his name. Is that so?

Senegalese pure blood wizard. Okay, he tells them how when he was growing up, his list, Lita's dad used magic to seduce his mom away. And so that means that she's also Lita's dad used magic to seduce his mom away. And so that means that she's also Lita's mom. So that and so Lita and this guy are half siblings which they don't seem to care about nor mention ever again. And Parasite guy says when and then Lita's

slash paris and slash Lusef's mom died in childbirth when Lita's born and it drove his father, his real father mad. So his dad on his deathbed swore you safe to get revenge. And so kill whatever the elder Lestrange loves the most. And he goes, but he never loved, he never loved you Lita. And so the only thing he, he never felt love until his son Corvus was born when he married again. And so parasite man goes, credence is actually Corvus,

the brother of Lita Lestrange, who was sent to America so that he, I couldn't get at him for revenge. So that's why I'm trying to kill credence. Movie explains crazy. And then and then the only gets. He loves his kid the most. Why isn't he just go like it's already been proven that the that Mr. Lestrange doesn't have a problem using magic on people. Why isn't he just go smoke this dude who's going to come kill his kid?

I don't know. Well, because that just perpetuates the cycle of revenge and violence. I've seen a lot of movie. Exactly. Well, go on, Elliot. Because now it's not after we've seen this, which takes five minutes to explain or something. Yeah. Maybe it's only three minutes. Lita steps in and says, no, no, no, but I already killed Corvus when he was a baby. She then opens up a magic family tree box and explains that she was on the ship to America with the servant lady and baby Corvus and Corvus kept crying and she just wanted to get away

from this crying baby. So instead of leaving the room, she swaps Corvus with another baby in another place and then when the ship sinks, because that's why they had to escape, the servant takes this replacement baby and lead us to see the real baby Corvus sinking into the water drowning wrapped in sheets. Now she can't really see it, because she's in a boat.

She can't see it under water. Crazy about it. Well, she can see under water all the way. I thought she swam after. I thought she tried to do it. No, that was the mother of the other baby. That was the mother of the other baby. And so, and so, but I guess maybe it's like how in saving private Ryan, Matt Damon,

as an old man, flashes back to what Tom Hanks saw on D day, you know, like maybe you can just see, you know, if you, if you put yourself in someone else's shoes and walk a mile in their moccasins, then you can, you can see what they see. That's kind of what, that's kind of what Tom Hanks brings to the movie experience, though. So you can, he's kind of like an every man you know that you know that he had a hey he had this point he's no longer every man as i've said many times i know it's on the flop house there's no greater honor that america can bestow on a hero then to have tom hangs play you in a movie just as there is no greater

shame than to have alpacino play you in a made for hb o movie and that's why Tom Hanks plays Sully, Captain Phillips, Mr. Rogers, and Al Pacino plays, a paterno and a inspector like this. That's, uh, now I want to say it like so, so Creedon's doesn't like, is back to not knowing where you come from. Oh and actually you know what?

Wait, here, hold on. Sorry, go ahead. The water is so easy to see through even though it's nighttime i guess there's so much light from the ship and credence who who we thought was killed as it we thought was this baby was killed as baby is still live obviously so is this the real credence clear water revival no boy

was that walking the park i want to be angry at that but i can't was true fan easter egg the JK Rowling Super Junior. Yeah. Was the dog in that story shaggy enough for you? Okay, and so Dan, so what, just to tie it up, so her fear from earlier was her fear of having killed her baby brother. Dan, explain. Why does this, why would this bother you? So this sequence, it makes me so angry because it stops the film cold

for like parasite guy, a guy that we barely know or care about takes a long time to explain his genealogy Introducing characters we've never seen before in this movie and we'll never see again And never see again takes a long time to explain and then at the end the movie goes psych That wasn't who you thought it was it was this other guy It's not a kid's other baby and that you in this scene there's at least like three characters who are just standing around that are like why am i here i guess i'm here to support this other

person who's having these revelations including really boring standing around includes newt the here of the movie and not there at all is grindle walled the villain of the movie so it's it's just supporting character theater like it's just side character playhouse, you know. And I think Jacob is somewhere in this scene, but I can't tell because in the next scene when they find the hidden door that leads to the amphitheater underneath the tomb, Jacob's the first one walking through it.

And I'm like, where was he this whole time? I guess he dealt with that the wand of the head situation. Yeah, the wand, I guess, was like Jacobus Disopero and there's something like that. So this is the kind of thing. Again, if this was a novel, like if this was a Dickens novel, I would be like, okay, he's going to dump a whole new Dickens was like making it up as he went along. He liked to introduce characters and then suddenly have like big reveals or like go aside and kind of breathe life into a side character of a sudden like he would really pull it off.

But in a movie, it just was like, it does not work that great for them action to stop so that some characters could talk about. It's also the idea that you're gonna reveal something and then immediately dispel it. It's like no pun intended. That if they had done that, what they should have done is earlier in the movie, have you said explain his backstory?

And then we're like, oh, okay, that's who creed and says, and then later in the movie, Lita can reveal it and it'll be a twist. But it's weird to have a twist right after the last twist. It's like, if you were watching a murder mystery and the detective was like, it was you, you did it, the butler and the butler's like, oh no, and then suddenly the cook detective was like, it was you. You did it the butler and the butler's like, oh, no. And then suddenly the cook goes, no, it was me.

The audience would be like, what? I was going to say this later, but I'll say it now. Like the last 30 minutes of this movie or so, I found the most engaging. And I think that that's because by that point, most of the mysteries have been solved. And it's just a straightforward story. And I think that JK Rowling, like she does this in a lot of the books, and it works better in the books, but she likes to withhold a lot of things and have a mystery.

But here, it's just like, I don't want the, it's just you're piling mystery on mystery on mystery, it's obfuscating what the storyline is. I just want to watch a story, you know, understand what's happening. And the mystery seems so, that the basic conflict of the story, we're led to believe is Grindelwald

is a bad wizard who wants to lead an army of wizards to take over the world. And yet, yeah, I guess the point of the movie is to have is that play between which of these characters that we get to know are going to side with Grindelwald and who will not. But we almost see no no character actually spends that much time thinking about this, like that question. Yes. We get to a point where Grindelwald is doing his big, he does his big reveal and he basically asks all these characters if they want to join him or not. And none of them at this point, it's like, oh like it's like a coin flip in almost every case except for credence who we know for sure is gonna join him because

will he has no reason not to yeah it's like and also the movie doesn't make any sense if there's no there's no reason for a sequel of credence doesn't join it's like it's like if captain and mech america civil war ironman's like the government needs to control superheroes and Captain America is like no and then suddenly like Like the Guardians of the Galaxy show up and are like hey guys. We've got an adventure in space You got to come with us and they go they go out into space and meet the silver surfer and the silver surfer's like Let me tell you my backstory. Are we gonna see Galactus in the movie? No, but I'll tell you about it Okay, well that was pretty crazy

Let's go back to earth and they go back to Earth and Captain American Iron Man are like, well, now I guess we have to fight and that's the end of the movie. Like, that's what this feels like. You have a movie with a very straightforward conflict, like you're saying, and then the movie just stops. Okay, so, anyway. So all the characters from the previous scene

that we were just talking about all walk through a doorway and they're in a big amp theater filled with wizards who are all there for a rally being held by Grindelwald Yeah, soaks up that he soaks up the applause for a little bit. He's just loving it And it's one of those like things where all these wizards are Are able to finally show off their true allegiance? They've been hiding it in in public. so they're able to show off their secret face, which is not like a real monster face. It's another moment where it was like,

so if the amphitheater was like right through that tomb, were all the wizards listening to Lita Lestrange telling her story? Or like, did they just not hear this huge roomful of wizards when they were all in that other room? Like, I don't understand. Again, magic. It's like like my wife tells me this club she used to go to in in South Brooklyn called the crazy country club and they would do a thing where they would mic up the bathrooms

and sometimes when the DJ would see like a couple of women go to the bathroom together, he would like get the get the crowd to like quiet down and then he'd play the, the sound from the bathroom of the women like talking about what they're doing that night. Jesus. It was crazy. Not okay. You could ever do. No, it's obviously not okay. But like maybe it was something like that where they're all like intently listening to these people. And they're like, Oh my God. What a big reveal. Maybe. Oh, that's like a, that scene in Mash where hot lips is showering. Yeah.

And they pull down the tent flaps where everyone sees her. And it's like, uh, that's a horrible guys. Like, like, that's not adorable. Like, that's really terrible. Uh, the, so anyway, so Grindelwald, he comes out, everyone finds each other in this big rally. Grindelwald gives a big speech while the ministry cops are moving in to try to get ready to rest everybody. And Grindelwald is like, his speech is not that clear. He's like, we just love freedom and truth and love. And here's what the world will look like if wizards don't take over.

And he shows them a bunch of scenes of World War II ending with a mushroom cloud. And it's like, see? And to be honest, I'm like, you know what? That's a pretty good argument for why somebody else should try running the world for a little bit. Like, if you could have heard World War II, but the magic cops show up. Yeah, it's like when I was watching Aquaman last weekend and King Orm's like, it's fucked up.

The service dwellers are constantly polluting us. And I'm like, yeah, that is pretty fucked up I mean, I don't know what they do with their fucking waste Do they like throw it in a trench for the twent trench kingdom to deal with? Yeah, there's a way to JK Rowling's house It shows up the magic and it shows up in Dumbledore's pants and then he magics it away It's a really complicated cycle. I mean, whatever works. When he magics it, what it does is the spell automatically splits up his poop into tiny particles

and then plants them in the bowels of random human beings throughout the world. Oh, wow. And so the cycle of poop continues. Yeah. Share the wealth. Yeah, redistribution of poop. That's what Bernie Sanders is all about, right? That's socialism, right?

OK. Dumbledore or Dumbledore leads ahead, long? In one of the sanitation times. Yeah. That means so many of it's like, Dumbledore has been doing that all these years, and he thought all the other wizards were two, but they were it. And so he's talking to like Professor Snape or whatever.

And Snape's like, well, you gotta go, super natural calls. And he's like, wait, what are you using the toilet? Yeah. What do you not use the toilet? No, no, I just poop in my pants and I'm magic in a way. And Snape is like, Snape is like, you know you're not going to get all of it if you do use the toilet? No, no, I just poop in my pants and I'm magic in a way. And Snape is like, you know you're not gonna get all of it if you do that, right? Like, that's crazy.

It's like a guy who always stands up to wipe being like, we all do that, right? No. That's what I was doing. That one kid when you were an elementary or middle school who would stand a year and all with his pants all the way down at his ankles. And being like, yeah yeah this is what we

do come on but uh uh uh uh uh snakes like but what about what about that time night to borrow pants from me and he's like uh yeah what about it uh were you doing it then? Snaves like so do you just poop in the middle of staff meetings yeah all the time I thought everybody was wait are you pooping right now? Maybe

Enough poop. Okay enough poop talk time to get to this the opposite of poop the crimes of Grindelwald so the magic cops come in there's a there's a brief scuffle and Grindelwald sends his followers away and Creed and Sankwini both join Grindelwald and lead a a tax Grindelwald and his followers away and creed and some queenie both join Grindelwald and lead a tax Grindelwald and gets killed, I guess, by like, man. Yeah, so this, this is one of those moments where like, if they, they put a lot of time into lead as backstory for the bullshit stuff, but they don't like, and they make it seem like when she was in high school, she was bullied, but like, if they had made some effort to make it seem like everybody

suspected her as being like a Grindelwald follower or maybe like long ago she was maybe a Grindelwald follower, it would make the moment where it's like, oh shit, is she gonna join him? And then she's like, no, I love you guys. And then she attacks and then immediately is killed. Yeah. Like they could have done something like not to play fucking Monday morning wizard back or something. But I mean that's I guess I would be like the seeker is that's the quarterback. Yeah, Quidditch. Sure. I'll take it for it. And it's one of the things we're like, Grinda Wald is like, we just want to take over the world. We don't want to hurt anybody. Anyway, here's a bunch of blue fire demons dragons

that are just going to fly around. And the alchemist shows up and goes, put your wands to the ground, or the dragons will eat Paris. And it's like, whoa, this escalated really fast. And none of them explained to me before. Oh, you missed also Queenie went over to Grandelwald. Queenie joins Grandelwald.

And especially because she hates being called crazy. And Jacob, she's like, come on, Jacob will join and Jacob's like, no, he's a bad guy. And she goes, no, and he goes, you're crazy. And she leaves and joins. And so now he's at Creedence and she's like, we should hear this guy talk. He's got some really great ideas.

And then the whole time he's like, yeah, muggles are bad and dumb. And they should work for us, you know? Yeah. So that doesn't make any sense. I also like that right before Grindelwald operates or whatever it disappears. He says, I hate Paris.

That's the last line in Grindelwald. That was the best moment in the movie, I think, is the only time Grindelwald felt like a character or for that matter, any of the characters felt like real characters was just this casual I hate Paris and then he flies out and also you know he's truly evil because Paris is an enchanting city it's magical it belongs to the world and it's a wonderful place so anyway these fire dragons are flying around the alchemist shows up to tell them basically how to stop them which turns out to be really easy. You just point your wand at the ground and below, and that's pretty much it.

And Newt goes to meet Dumbledore, and Dumbledore reveals that. It's also how you can find water in the water. You have to, you have to, very important, the platypus looking thing brings the blood amulet to, to, to, Newt, because the thing about these platypus things is they are drawn to uh... shiny things uh... collect them this was explained in the first movie so

yeah so so the niffler steels that steels this shiny locket from uh... grinda wald's body grinda wald the greatest evil wizard in the world does not notice that a platypus is crawling all over him stealing the jury. Yeah. Yeah. He's not, I mean, he's a pretty easy mark. Yeah. I guess so.

Well, he's so full of himself. That's probably why he hates paris is that he never puts his money and valuables in a fany pack and instead he gets picked back at it all the time. All of it. You have to imagine too busy caught up on the bag. He's chomping on. Grindewald is, he's the kind of guy who gets an email from an Nigerian prince and he's like, hmm, this seems like a scam, but it also seems kind of real.

And I think I'd be smart enough to see if it was a scam or not. So I'll send in my bank account information. And so he shows it to Dumbledore, this little locket and Dumbledore is like, oh yeah, that's the blood pact I made with Grind window wall that we would never fight each other that's why i can't fight him and it's like no dot dude like this is a like why didn't you like i don't understand like why you said of what like dumbledore like i love dumbledore but even like the good like harry potter books he's

always like s like has these like sort of secret schemes never like let's anyone not and on his thinking. And it's like, you know, if you shared some of these things, it might be my thanks, thanks might go a little better for herring his pals. Yeah, I would have liked somebody at his funeral like when giving the eulogy somebody to be like, wish he would have told us more shit

so he could have kept him alive. Yeah. So they've dumbledore, the greatest magic of all is trust. Yeah. But and then, but here's the greatest magic of all is trust. Yeah. But and then but here's the here's the moment that bothers me about that whole thing. Newt goes, do you think you can destroy it and and Dumbledore goes, yeah, I think maybe. And it's like, well, then what the fuck, dude?

It's like, what? Why was this an issue? I can understand. No, he was my lover and we made an unbreakable blood pact that I can never raise a wand against him. And that's why my, my power can never be part of this war I wish it could be but instead it's like hey do you think you could destroy this blood pact yeah I think probably and they'll just kick his ass like then why why didn't you do any of that yeah why don't you say something like hey it's

important you get this amulet that's the key to the whole thing yeah do you think at the pitch meeting they're like and then Dumbledore says yeah Probably and the audience is gonna lose their mind. They're gonna go crazy people whooping I was just about to compare that to a moment in Avengers Ed game where the audience did lose their minds But I won't spoil it for you guys. Yeah, what the fuck? Yeah, I didn't spoil it. Oh, yeah big spoiler during this Bringing stuff up but just saying anything. Stop saying that there's an amazing moment in it. During this three hours of fan service, there's a moment where the audience lost their mind.

During this movie that is designed to deliver fans moments, they will lose their minds over. So anyway, so I guess Dumbledore, I guess it's part, so I was doing some Wikipedia research. And I guess it's part of the backstory is that Dumbledore did eventually defeat Grindelwald in a big magic battle or something. Not sure.

So like, I guess we're all just building up to that, huh? So the real magic is how are they gonna delay this as long as possible and this blood pact was the way they could do it for one movie. Yeah, the real magic is how they're gonna make this exciting since we already know how it turns out. Yeah, it's called movies about history. They do it all the time. Okay. Yeah, I real magic is how they're gonna make this exciting since we already know how it turns out. Yeah, it's called movies about history. They do it all the time.

Okay. Yeah, I mean, we've never seen a movie called Titanic. You're right. It's like how that TV show, Sons of Anarchy got kind of popular and the showrunner was given enough leeway that his hour-long episodes became like hour and a half

long episodes and then he's like, well, I have an idea, but there's not that much to it. I guess I'll just add in very long car chases into every episode to kind of stretch it out for a full season. Uh, uh, no, and at the very end, so credits with Grindelwald. And earlier Dumbledore has says, you know, there's a prophecy in my family that a Phoenix will arrive to help a Dumbledore in need. And Grindawal tells Credence that he reveals Credence's true identity because he says, you know, there's a prophecy that a Phoenix will help members of your family in need. And a Phoenix shows up and he goes, you're not Credence. You're a really, a really is Dumbledore.

And it's time for you to beat up your brother. And then he leaves and credence just starts blasting fireballs on a mountain side. And that's the only... He does like a Kami-Hami-Hah from Drag of Olsey and just blows up on mountain. All right. So anyway, so go on.

The long story short, credence is not corpus. Credence is Dumbledore's brother, which leads me to ask, so wait, why was Dumbledore's baby brother on that ship when he got swapped with Corvus? I guess that's a mystery for another day. Another fantastic beast will lead us to that answer. Yeah, that reveal, I like to think that I pay attention to movies when I watch them. I mean, I guess sometimes people have called me out on the opposite, but this is definitely a reveal where I'm like, what? Really? Yeah, so all right, let's uh, we've gone longer. I think than any other summary ever because there was so much bullshit in this

movie. Yeah. So let's do our final judgments quickly. Is this a good bad movie, a bad, bad movie, or a movie you kind of like? I'll say that like this movie, so I fell asleep during the final 20 minutes and I woke up. No, I watched them. I goddamn watched them. Okay, okay. What I'm saying is I fell asleep during the final 20 minutes. I woke up and I was so mad that that had happened because I was just like, oh, now I have to fucking go back, rewind, and watch the final 20 minutes of this stupid goddamn movie. Like the movie

is very scary. Like it's like someone who's gonna give you a time turner and you're trapped in this? Yeah, and look, I just, I really like the books and for the most part I enjoyed the movies too, the Harry Potter movies. This movie movie was the screenplay was done by JK Rowling and I just have to assume that she just doesn't know how to write a screenplay. Like she's a good novelist doesn't know how to do a screenplay because it doesn't make any sense. Then it's boring. And it's full of a stuff that you would cut out of a movie, but would could fit

in a novel. Sure. Yeah. Yeah, it feels, as I said, like it feels like it takes for granted that you know everything and are intimately familiar with everything. And it spends too much time on dumb bullshit and not enough time on character arcs. Yeah. That's dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb,

dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb It doesn't spend enough time on Dumbledore since he turns out to be the pivotal character in the movie. Yeah, I mean, if you're gonna cast a young pope of fucks. I want to see Dumbledore fuck. Is that too much to ask for?

Yeah. I mean, he's looking into a mirror. You think you'd add better memories. Now, I would say bad, bad movie, and I was watching my wife and she could feel this pain coming off of me, and she's like, why is this bothering you so much? It is bad but I was like, I can see the gulf so clearly between what they're intending, which is like magic and whimsy and fun and this deep mythology of exciting characters and what they're actually presenting, which is like just thudding boredom through the whole thing. And it was like painful to recognize how much they how off the mark

They were about it. So it's not very good I'd say if you want to see a movie where you have to see a bunch other movies to understand it go see Avengers Endgame There's this one part of where I'm talking about it This is really dating when we said we did the podcast, but uh like I don't know why I'm worried about that I mean it's it's been a couple of days. I'm not seeing it for a couple more days and I've been off basically all social media, except for Instagram,

because you can't spoil anything with a picture. And so I hope nothing important happens in the news at all, because I won't hear about it until after Tuesday. I mean, I will say there seems to be this national consensus. Do not spoil endgame for anybody. And is the first, it's like we as America have united around Avengers Endgame.

As this is like the cause of our generation is to not spoil this movie for anyone who hasn't seen it yet. And so like on Twitter and I've amazed kind of at how non-specific, specific everyone's been about it. And every movie review I've read of it says, well I won't spoil anything and then they don't. And I'm like, this is amazing that I like this has brought us together in a way that Obama couldn't that Trump couldn't somehow Avengers Endgame is now is our rendezvous with Destiny. So okay. I hope you guys like it when you see it.

Judge John Hodgman ruled in my favor. Judge John Hodgman ruled in my favor. Judge John Hodgman ruled in my favor. I'm Judge John Hodgman. You're hearing the voices of real litigants, real people who have submitted disputes to my internet court at the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I hear their cases, I ask them questions, they're good ones, and then I tell them who's right and who's wrong.

Thanks to Judge John Hodgman's ruling, my dad has been forced to retire one of the worst dad jokes of all time. Instead of cutting his own hair with a flow bee, my husband has his hair cut professionally. I have to join a community theater group. And my wife has stopped bringing home wild animals. It's the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Find it every Wednesday at MaximumFund.org, or wherever you download podcasts. Thanks Judge John Hodgman.

Hello, this is Amy Mann. And I'm Ted Leo. John Hodgman. Hello, this is Amy Mann. And I'm Ted Leo. And we have a podcast called The Art of Process. We've been lucky enough over the past year to talk to some of our friends and acquaintances from across the creative spectrum to find out how they actually work. And so I have to write material that makes sense and makes people laugh. I also have to think about what I'm saying to people. If I kick your ass, I'll make you famous. The fight to get LGBTQ representation in the show.

We weirdly don't know as many musicians as you would expect. I really just became a political speechwriter by accident, realizing that I have accidentally, uh, hold my pants down. Listen and subscribe at maximumfun.org or wherever you get your podcast. It's like if the guinea pig was complicit in helping the scientist. The flat-piles are supported in part by Squarespace.

Ooh. With Squarespace, you can create a beautiful website. Uh, put your cool idea out there into the world. Why not? You can blog or publish content. You can sell products and services of all kind and much more. Basically, anything you can do with a website, you can do with Squarespace. Why don't you say that?

That's the easiest way to say it. Hey, it features beautiful customizable templates created by world-class designers, a new way to buy domains and choose from over 200 extensions, analytics that help you grow in real time, and 24-7 award-winning customer support. Now Dan, I- Make a standout with a beautiful website from Squarespace.

Yes, Elliot. Dan, I had an idea for a website and I was hoping that Squarespace could help me out with it. All right. So, Dan, here's an issue that a lot of us are having. Fantastic Beasts. We know where to find them. There's a whole movie about it, but ordinary beasts, it's time for their time in the

sun. And we don't know where to find them. So the Brooklyn zoo, that's where you find ordinary beast, ordinary beast finder.com. But I guess you already figured it out. So ordinary beast finder.com no longer needed. Dan just gave it away. Squarespace, aren't you? uh... ordinary beast finder dot com no longer needed and just gave away square space or two uh... yet check out square space dot com slash flop for free trial

and we're ready to launch use the offer code flop to save ten percent off your first purchase of a website or domain hey i got one jumbo tron here uh... before we get to this jumbo tron to to jumbo tron just a moment of explanation Elliott has disappeared for the rest of the episode that is because he had a family emergency nothing that you guys need to worry about do not be upset

other than the fact that you'll miss him for the rest of the episode but it was something that he needed to take care of right away. We're going to have to do all the talk-ins. Yeah. So I'm going to go do a couple of lines in the back room so I can speed up my voice. Okay. Um, so on to the jumbo-tron. This is from Eliana.

I believe that's how one would pronounce that. Yep, sure. And it's from Lydia, who writes, Hi, Aliana, it's Dan, your favorite flopper. I wrote this message because you're perfect and I love you. You're the woman with whom I want to watch movies on planes, to whom I long to complain about my knee,

whose hair I yearn to stroke with my hook hands. And short, I want yours to be the wife's butt that I covet. Will you marry me? See, just get out. This is awkward, because it's butt that I come at will you marry me see this get out this is awkward because uh... it's awkward that i i revealed that i have a girlfriend on the episode this came up and now i appear to be engaged yeah i got tricked into an engagement

yeah i think uh... on one hand i feel like uh... ellie would have liked to hear that but on other another and i think he probably engineered a family emergency in advance yeah i get out of that. So yeah, I don't know what to do, I guess. I'm going to move to a finding contract. Yeah, personally. I'm going to upload this episode.

So whoops. Whoopsie. Apologies. Okay, and what do we do now? Well, actually before we move on, just a quick reminder of a couple of things. Okay. From, I'm just gonna go on over to the website

to remind myself, if you go to the website and that website is floppaspodcast.com, you have a list of all the live shows coming up. If you click on events on June 8th, we'll be in Portland, that is Portland, Oregon, not Washington as I put on before as an accident. I think you probably all knew that knew what I meant. I was thinking about Seattle and my head because those two, Those two cities are so linked in my brain, but I hope people didn't buy tickets for a show in Portland, Washington I don't think so. I think the ticket link takes them to a okay

Orgando hopefully no quick talk and grifter didn't trick anybody by setting up a fake Fake show on the 13th of July will be in Minneapolis on I think, uh, think show on the 13th of July will be in Minneapolis on the 28th of September will be in Boston. There was an early show show that sold out. We have a second show, a late show. See us when we're loopy and worn out. Um, on October 12th will be an LA. That's all on the events page at flopaspodcast.com.

Also at flopaspodcast.com you can navigate over to the blog section that you didn't know we had a blog section. You'll find that there's a t-shirt contest going on for you guys to design our next t-shirt for a merch store. There are prizes, not huge prizes, but prizes. And all the technical details can be found there. You also get the bragging rights of creating a t-shirt for a podcast that people might

have heard of. Yeah. Probably not. So moving on to letters from listeners, like you. This first letter is from Cab, last name withheld. Okay. Who writes? My name is James.

Yeah. Who writes? My name is Kevin. I've noticed in movies and TV shows that almost every character named Kevin is either an asshole, bully, or an awkward loser. The real world is full of Kevin's of all stripes, but for some reason those two categories seem to encompass most of Kevin's of all stripes, but for some reason those two categories seem to encompass most fictional Kevin's. The notable exception to this is Kevin McAllister from the Home Alone franchise.

Who's a bully and a murderer? Well, yeah. The letter goes on to say, however, he's so obviously a budding serial killer that he may as well be the asshole bully category. He's like Jigsaw Jr. Yeah. So my question for you is this, have you noticed any trends for characters you share a name with, or any names that always seem to be the same type of character? Best wishes Kevin last name withheld. Yeah, I mean, I, let's see, stewards in popular media usually are, like, at worst there, like an insufferable kind of bland nerd character, or I think at best they're like, like a backster type

character who is the one who eventually that the romantic lead is with and then leaves to be with the other romantic lead. Yeah. Only Dan I can think of offhand is of course Dan Fielding from Night Court. Yeah, that's pretty accurate. True Parvazoid. I guess that I don't know.

I guess that continues your trend. Yeah. I feel like in media, usually if you have a character named Chuck, well that character is going to be hilarious. If you have a character named Brock or, well that character is gonna be hilarious If you have a character named Brock or like Chad, they're gonna be like a jazz. Yeah, they're gonna be like a big tough guy unless it's Chas Paul Matari and If you have a character named like nerd Bert, well, they're gonna be a nerd. I mean, it's kind of right there the name so You got any of those like Britney is usually gonna be kind of a spacey. Yeah. The

fret chat was like when I had my head. So, uh, yeah, I don't really have anything. You have a character named like Cornelius, they're probably an old time, uh, like they sell elixirs out of a wagon. Yep, they're really in a steam punk. If you have an LA at well, of course, it's a dragon. Moving on to a letter from Matthew, last name withheld. Uh-huh. Key writes, My question is about awkward movie watching experiences.

I was once invited by a girl. I was dating to, quote, watch a movie and have some fun at her house. She was deeply religious and we had a chaste relationship, but being the horny young man that I was at the time, I naturally assumed this was code. Needless to say, I was not a little surprised when I arrived with a bottle of wine to find her grandmother, parents, and protective older brother waiting for me in the living room. Why do they do like a blood in blood out situation when he was in? for me in the living room. It seemed they had decided that this was the right occasion to inquire as to my intentions

with their daughter, slash sister, and to emphasize their religious values. I survived this preliminary conversation was relieved when the movie started. Words cannot describe the palpable tension when, during, quote, the reluctant fundamentalist, a sex scene that seemed to last forever in sued, and her pious family members frowned and tutted with this disapproval, while her brother intermittently looked at me with a kind of, don't be getting any ideas sort of glare. When the scene was over, her grandma, with perfect timing, said, we can all breathe out now. So my question to you is this, have you ever had an awkward movie watching experience where the social makeup of the room and the chosen

film was all wrong? Lots of love and keep on flopping in the free world. Matthew, last name withheld. Oh, that's tough because I think every single one of these would just be a movie watching experience that I had at one of Dan's movie nights. Okay. But like a lot of times when you do those horror movie parties, I think sometimes you'll make a choice that's maybe wrong for the long-for-the-room. Yeah, like watching brain damage to the bunch of people who aren't ready to see a woman get killed by the worm that she thought was going to be a penis.

Yeah. All right. I asked fair. I did think to myself, maybe this was a bad call when I screened that. I mean, I'm just saying it was like the worst thing in the world, but like, I feel like the audience was visibly not- Not into it. Not into it. Sure.

This is the same thing, but like, I used to have a roommate who every time we watched a movie that featured characters with tattoos He would loudly complain about how fake their tattoos I've made movies like like we started watching like place beyond the pines and I'm like I'm not that worried about the tattoos man. I'm just into this movie. Yeah I don't yeah, I don't, yeah. I don't really have a good one. I do remember that when I was younger, I was watching dangerous liaisons with my cousin.

This is not really that, this is not really an answer to the questions. Just the only thing that's sprung in my mind. We're watching dangerous liaisons which I had seen before yeah, and my mom came into the room and she was like What do you guys do it like she was like? She was very upset that I was watching this movie that she thinks you should have been watching cruel intentions She was like that's much more age appropriate. Yeah version of the story. No, I mean like, you know, I don't know It's not like you see who my thermo is breasts in a scene. It's not like it's It's crazy. Yeah, so I don't know like she was very distressed by that

in a way that That I think she didn't need to be. Yeah, that's fair And yeah, it's like the famous story I say about my mom walking in, watching me see the, see the sex scene of Terminator, and I was laughing during it, and she turned off the VHS tape forcibly, because as she said, it's no laughing matter, they're doing it for the future.

What? Yeah, it was like my favorite thing my mom's ever said to me. Like thank you for like explaining the narrative. Yeah, it was awesome. Really engaged by this movie. He cared about the future. All right, this last letter is from David last name censored under the official secrets act.

Well, wow. He says, Hey, Flapper Roonies, I have a conundrum that only David last name censored under the official secrets act. Well, wow. He says, hey, Flopper Roonies, I have a conundrum that only you three can solve. The three question are, of course, Dan Stewart and the Flophouse cat. Okay. As a gentleman of the English persuasion, I occasionally find American accents hard to understand. Somewhat ironic, considering I'm from the north of the UK, where accents vary more than Elliot's pitch in the letter song. I have listened to almost 200

episodes of the podcast. Wait Dan I gotta I gotta mop up all this tea David just spilled. I've listened I was 200 episodes of the podcast and I've just realized that I can't tell Dan and Stewart apart. Wow this must be your nightmare tomorrow. Not an Elliott's gone. Yeah he's thinking it's like an 80-circus I've just realized that I can't tell Dan and Stewart apart. Wow. This must be your nightmare scenario, then. Not an alley that's gone. Yeah, he's thinking it's like an 80 circus gallium situation where one person's doing both voices. Well, wait, no, wait, that was, he thinks it's the same boat.

Just go on. So I'm proposing two potential solutions, neither of which require any effort or work on my part, obviously. Uh-huh. Either Dan and Stewart begin each sentence with their names, up okman uh... or archie can be trained in the out every time dad speaks thereby confirming

it is this master speaking i suggest nothing a return for the suggestions behind sides i request nothing in return for the suggestions besides undying gratitude uh... your son floppy to david so which one do you want to do that uh... you want to start saying what uh... steward is saying do you want to do, Dan? Do you want to start saying, well, Stewart is saying,

do you want to start saying our names? Dan is saying no, that seems honorous. I don't know if I can, Stewart is saying, I don't know, it's going to, I already am having trouble. Yeah, I guess we'll have to train Archie. I guess that's the only option. Okay, well, Archie has already left the room. Okay,

let's get on that. That's time. Let's do this fast. I could feel the weight of talking this much, weighing on both of us. I know what you're talking about. I'm loving this. It's time to shine. this one. It's time to shine. We should do recommendations of movies you should definitely watch instead of Cremble wand. Crimes of Cremble wand. I'm going to talk about a movie that's also a little bit about old-timey bullshit. I'm going to recommend the movie Only Lovers Left Alive, the Jim Jarmuschusch vampire movie starring Tom Hiddleston and Tilda Swinton, and also a little guy named John Hurt. So after I said those four names, you are probably already, if you haven't seen it, you're already probably pulling it over to your Netflix skew and hitting play.

But it's this great little vampire movie that mainly focuses on like hanging out and how being a vampire would a lot of it would just be like kind of a hassle and be kind of boring and how the like horror of it is just becoming more and more distanced from the world that you're a part of and how that can weigh on you. And also how you can both dislike humans because of your differences, but also require them as a reflection for your own artistic and emotional impulses. But yeah, I thought it was great. Okay. And I will recommend a movie that probably

needs no recommendation because I think it's doing fairly well in the theaters. But these days, I don't see a lot of stuff. How are you going to recommend? I saw Shazam. Oh, wow, you're scared for a second. Which, you know, like the fun thing about Shazam is that like, it's really actually kind of like this sweet movie about a kid finding his place and a group home, an orphaned kid, finding his place and a group home, sort of dressed up as a big goofy superhero movie.

And it's just, you know, it's funny's funny and sweet and you know people compare it to Big obviously and it's got some of the same spirit without someone having sex with a little little boy and It's it's great. I will say that at 130 some minutes. It's way too long Especially like aquaman being two and a half hours get the fuck out of here yeah especially um... especially the last

uh... fucking fight which goes on for so goddamn long that like i heard the woman halfway through it not even like towards the end halfway through the woman next to me said um... this is a long fight scene. And even though I was at the Alamo draft house with their famous no talking policy, I could

not get mad at her because she's speak such, uh, such truth. Yeah, yeah. This movie afterwards, you went up to the front desk and you're like, I would like to request a new movie series, this woman explaining truth to me. Yeah. So, but otherwise, otherwise, I will say this movie would be kind of a perfect family film, except for, there's some surprising violence in it.

Like, there's a scene in a boardroom where like a big scary monster bites someone's head off. Whoa. And like, selling point. There's a scene where like Santa Claus is on fire, like a guy dressed in a Santa Claus suit. He shows up okay later on. But like I watched it and as a childless man,

this is not usually a concern of mine. But it's such a sweet movie otherwise that I did think like that's unnecessary. Like a kid should be able to see this movie. It's a lot of fun. Yeah, it's like the end of the end of the Kingsman where you're like, oh, this would be a fun movie for a teenager to watch and then you're like, oh no,

oh, this isn't a fun movie for anyone to watch. Yes. Yeah. So that's the show I guess. That's a flop has podcast. Sadly, at least not here, he probably would have told you about some kind of old timey movie that you may or may not have heard.

Yeah, that it was people exiting a factory or whatever that first movie that was ever shot was. So let's say that that was what he recommended. Yeah, but he would give a description of the movie that would be longer than the movie itself and you would all be impressed. But yeah, so that's us. This is a podcast.

You can find it. We're part of the Maximum Fund Network. You can find it over at Maximumfund.org. There's a lot of other great shows over there that cater to all different types of stuff. Comedy comedy and culture, you know, and you can also find us here every two weeks. For the flop house, I've been Stewart Wellington and I've been Dan McCoy. Somehow this was a more professional ending than. then because I'm behind the wheel. Bye! Bye! So, okay, Dan, you're not feeling so well. Stu, you're coming off of a cold. Guys.

Yeah, I'm doing fine. I'm not used to doing this, but I guess I'm gonna have to do a lot of talking during this episode. Oh, boy. Uh-oh. Fasten your seat belts. Your seat belts? I was gonna try to come up with a joke, but I couldn't. So I...

Fasten your seat belts. It's gonna be a meaty ride. I think that's what I would say if I was hosting a steak eating contest. Is I would say fasten your meat belts. And then you would pause for a pause. Yeah. Yeah.

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