The Flop House - Ep. #324 - Hellboy LIVE

Episode Date: October 3, 2020

We couldn't get together for a mini this week, but our busy schedule is the listeners' gain, as we release this full-sized live show from the vault! It's a flashback to happier times, last July, when people could assemble to live comedy! Here's our live Hellboy (2019) show from The Parkway theater in Minneapolis, MN!Speaking of live shows -- mark your calendars for October 24, 6PT/9ET, when we'll be discussing Exorcist II: The Heretic over on our YouTube channel, in our socially-distanced livestream approximation of one of our normal touring shows. It's free to watch, but we'll be including charitable donations, including to a number of groups supporting voting rights!

On this episode of the Flop House we discuss, Hellboy! Live in the Twin Cities! I'm going to the flop house. I'm Dan McCoy. I'm Stuart Wellington. I'm Elliot Kaelin, and where are we? We're in Minneapolis. Now, wait, are we technically in Minneapolis? Is this part of Minneapolis? Yeah, there's a lot of, yes. Okay. One of my top three Appalises. Wow. Because it's with what? Indianapolis and Annapolis.

Wow, cool. Yeah. Okay, that's the whole show. See you later. Yeah. You know what I'm gonna say is my favoriteapolis. Minneapolis. It's my favoriteapolis. Of all of them. I only lived in the

chair for about four or five months just out of college. I don't know if you know this about me Stewart but is that why I saw signs of you around town that say don't serve this man? I came at the wrong time and left at the wrong time. I was here through most of a winter. Oh, okay. Yeah. Anyway. Put that on my Wikipedia page, I guess. And moving on. I'm amazed that you got any sympathy from people who live through those winters. Routinely. When what you're telling them is you're a pampered city boy who had to run away back to the coasts, couldn't handle it here in the heart of the country.

Yeah, I mean, New York winners are notoriously easy. Yeah, it's all icy and if you're lucky, you break your neck and die and you don't have to live in New York anymore. Boo, boo, take that New York burn. I'm an Angelino now. East Coast, least coast. I will say that at least when it's cold in New York, at least it doesn't smell as terrible. Here's my favorite thing about New York in the winter.

Wait, are we doing coast humor now? Humor about the cuckoo cuckost. That's if I'm scared of the ocean. So my favorite thing about New York in the winter, and I wonder if it's the same here. I don't know what the garbage situation is like here. But seeing the garbage piling up under the snow and seeing the urine stains on it and being like,

that's going to smell when these thaw out. Just like, what's seeing it and being like, that's gonna smell when these thaw out. Just like, what's seeing it mean? Like, that's a little time bomb, someone's set for the spring. But normally we don't talk so much about cities, normally we talk about movies. And for this episode, we, as I said earlier, watched Hellboy. Now, not the Game of Del Toro Hellboy.

No. Or Hellboy II, the Golden Army, also directed by Guillermo del Toro. But the 20, was it this year? 20, 20, 20. Yeah, yes. Hellboy. Yep, and real quick, so we had to watch the movie. How many people in the audience had to watch it?

I mean, super, so much. I mean, you had to watch it, government mandate. Yeah, I was just wondering if they had to watch it, government mandate. Yeah, I was just wondering if they had to watch it, like if they were forced to because of a podcast or something. Now, we should, this is something Surtani are just going to mention here. We don't have to keep the act on about it, although we would. We are both huge fans of the Hellboy comic series

and the affiliated BPRD comic series, which at a certain point, it may have topped Nexus as my favorite long-running series of all time. Now, that is just a show. So look at all the knowing nods in the audience. Yeah, yeah. A lot of Mike Barron fans in the audience.

But, and so when we were watching the movie, of course, we spent a lot of time talking about the comics, much to the bored looks of our companions. Yeah, yeah. And so there was definitely a point watching the movie where they were just trading off plot lines. Oh, this plot line by the way.

It was great, right? Like, yes, this other plot line from the comics was also great. Like, we're great. I wish I was reading instead of watching this movie. Now, there's two reasons I bring that up. One, we may be more harsh on the movie than we would be otherwise, because we love the source

material so much. Two, the only reason I can understand what is happening in the movie is because I am so familiar with the source material so much. Two, the only reason I can understand what is happening in the movie is because I am so familiar with the source material. It is a convoluted film that oftentimes, inexplicably, will throw to a flashback rather than putting the scenes in the order you'd expect to movie to put them in.

So shall we begin to this flashback- Let's do it. Let's do it. And that might be because, as people know, there was a, or may not know, as people know, there was a, or may not know, behind the scenes. It was a very tumultuous post-production and production process.

I don't know enough about that to go into it. So the movie begins. It's almost as if it wasn't worth bringing up. Dan, if I never brought up things that weren't worth bringing up, we wouldn't have a podcast. So we begin in media res, as Stuart likes to say, prologue, 517 AD. Comes up in big letters on the screen, because you know what, we're just going to rip off guardians of the galaxy in this movie.

Many different ways. So, 517 AD, and we get a little in-mix-shane voiceover to info dump about how there was a war between people and the dark forces of whatever, and King Arthur ambushed Nimue the Queen of Blood, played by Mia Jovavich, and used it as... Jovavich. Jovavich, what did I say, Jovavich? Yes. Okay, I'll probably say that again. I'm just, you know, I'm just like just so the internet doesn't attack us.

I'm just gonna acknowledge that I at least understand how to say Jovavich. Wow. I guess you won this one. I'm just going to acknowledge that I at least understand how to say Yovovix. Wow. I guess you won this one. King Arthur, he does what you got to do with an evil blood queen. He just remembers her with Excalibur and takes all the pieces and puts them in little boxes and says his knights to spread them across the land so they can never be found, not even by the devil, cue Hellboy title card. To plant them so they can grow more mealajovovite.

Oh no! It's also like spread them throughout the land. You mean England? Because it's like not that big. Like it's conceivable you could have an England breath treasure hunt for like a radio station promotion and it would not be that crazy. A lot of accents though. A lot of accents. Such little square footage. But it's true. A lot of accents. A lot of dislike between people who live very close to

each other. But you have to imagine like they're like now it will never be found. And in the 21st century all these warlocks are like I got to take a train ride. Ah! I'll never collect all these blood queen pieces. Okay. So, and this opening features a lot of that like, like camera tricks, like slow motion, and then real fast motion. In the whole time, like we're seeing stuff,

but then Ian McShane is delivering a narration that explains exactly what we're seeing, but like pretty glib so that we know it's not our daddy's hellboy movie. Yeah. If our dad was pretty close to our safe age. If our dads were all right, so I guess this is not, that this is my son's hellboy movie.

Yeah. It's not my hellboy movie. But yeah, it's a lot of life. You a lot of them want to read it on our movies now? Yeah, well, I mean, just Deadpool. Just Deadpool. Because Deadpool's family friendly. Yeah.

Yeah, kids love it. And occasionally, I mean, like we'll probably go see once a bottom time's family friendly. Yeah. Kids love it. And occasionally, I mean, we'll probably go see one spot in time in Hollywood together. Yeah. And what was that? Because he likes the foot stuff, right? He what? Nothing. Yeah.

Oh yeah, because he's a huge foot fan. And sometimes he's like, Daddy, can I watch some TV today? And I'm like, yeah, let's catch up on the doose. Yeah, that'll be good. But anyway, the point is, there's a lot of e-mixings like, and she was pretty pissed. So she let out this plague that killed a bunch of people. It's, I love e-mixing, and it is not the best use of him. Anyway.

It's almost like he doesn't give a shit. Yeah. Tijuana, present day. Hellboy, an agent of the Bureau of Power and Normal Research and Defense. He's got to go down Mexico way to Tijuana, as I mentioned. He's investigating a nest of vampires that's a luchador match. There was an agent named Ruiz who was down there investigating it, and at first I thought

that was racist, but then it's like, you should send a guy who probably speaks Spanish to Mexico for that operation. Anyway, Ruiz has been turned and turned into a professional wrestler vampire. Hellboys gotta fight him. And this whole scene and much of the movie efforts has a real... I was like, oh, this is kind of the like direct to video sci-fi channel original Hellboy movie. Like, it's very, very rubbery and very like shot with a lot of bright neon colors. Well, it's interesting because like, you know, if you ask me if I wanted to see Hellboy fight at a luchador of vampire,

I'd be like, hell yeah! But then I watched the movie and like, why is this happening? This has no bearing on anything else. And then he has to, like, it really goes full man-bat. And Hellboy has to kill him by impaling him on the turnbuckle. And they have a sad goodbye scene where Hellboy's like, come on man, no, no, you gotta stay with me. And I was like, movie, you know I just met these characters, right? Like I am not on board for this emotional goodbye and Bruce gives him an ominous warning apparently the end is coming

Bump bump bump bump the end of the movie he wished no It also kind of feels like I like I wasn't quite sure was Ruiz always a batman or what do you think? Well a bat crashed through his window and he thought that criminal is terrifying. Criminals are superstitious cowardly a lot, so I shall become a bat man. Okay. And I'll wear a luch door mask also. Okay, that makes sense.

Because the scrimmels also are scared of luch doors. Yes, yes. You understandably. You know Bruce Wayne is a rich a-hole. Because when a bat crashes through his window, he's not like, ah, oh man, he's just like, hmm, very inspiring. Alfred, take care of the bats in our house, please.

Take care of all this glass on the ground. And you have to imagine Bob Kane just didn't want to put in the scene of Alfred chasing a bat with a broom. Oh. I want to write that story so badly now. Alfred has to get this back. Nope, you're a Marvel man.

I am a Marvel man, that's true. Which was what Miracle Man was originally called in England. Alright, let's get back to it. When were you two in the middle, keep us on track? Yeah, I did, I chose that before they're courting and you're doing a bad job. So, Hellboy gets drunk because he's so sad, because he's kind of like a blue collar slob of a superhero. And he gets picked up

My BPR ad agents taken to their big headquarters in the Colorado mountains. Don't get used to it We're not gonna see it again in this movie Hellboys in his apartment which has a lack of windows Which means that it looks cool But it's probably pretty depressing to be in there a lot and his and his seasonal effective disorder probably really flares up when he's at home Yeah, and he probably can't like cook any steaks on his in his grill because it just gets too smoky. Yeah, there's no vent over that thing. No, I imagine now I imagine him in his bedroom with a George Foreman grill just making a sad little

like burger for himself. Yeah, well, he'll throw it in a sous-v first and then maybe he's got like a... Oh, a sous-v? Yeah, I mean, he's got the full dorm room kitchen stuff. Wait, now what kind of dorm room did you have that there was a sous vide? At the CIA, the Culinary Institute of America, Dan. If you ever get a chance to eat at the student restaurant, it's really good. It's up by Ryan Beck, New York.

Anyway, OK. Hellboy is shaving down his horns. He's got stumps where the horns would be. And this is, I guess, when we start really getting a good look at his face Which I think Haggard might be a way to describe it Well, his eyes are like sunken and skull like yeah, and he's very he's just got he's got a real skin Yeah, he's Mickey work ask yeah, wow, okay I said yeah, I don't want Mickey work

I mean you know if you want to argue with reality Yes, I guess we can add Rourke to be attacking me. You know, if you want to argue with reality, yes, you're making me. I guess we can add Mickey Rourke to our list of NPs. It's such a long list. Anyway, Hellboy's daddy figure, Professor Brum, who is Ian McShane, surprise, surprise. He comes in and tries to make him feel better. No, you're beautiful.

I love you, honey. You're a fantastic son. Anyway, he says, you've been asked to help. There's a funny part where he goes, he says something, and he says, I don't think you're hideous or whatever the end and help, but he goes, yeah, I wish this face could talk. It would tell you something different. And I'm like, help me, your face is talking through your mouth.

But it also makes me think, what if Walls could talk, what's called your face is good talk? Yeah, HBO is like, I don't think you've thought this. Could you just take it back from one more draft, dude? What if it was something that couldn't talk? And we were asking if it could talk. All right, yeah, play with that idea for a little bit. I guess I can use my imagination. In Machines, like our Professor Broome is like,

hey, the Osiris Society, which is kind of like a stuffy British version of what we do, they need your help fighting some giants out in England. So off you go, then we cut to a bad guy scene. The Baba Yaga, yes, the famous witch of Russian folklore that Dan thinks is Strega Nona, the Italian witch who has noodle powers. So she, this is the one that eats children or spaghetti. I mean, it's possible that she grinds the children up

and makes a pasta out of them, I don't know. But as everyone knows, she lives in a chicken leg house. She rides around in a big mortar and pestle and she eats children. You know, that's what you're talking about. You're typical witch stuff. You're typical, well, in Russia, in Russia, which eats you?

That's what he's, why am I forgetting his name? The comedian does that. Yeah, I'm sure he's eating a sandwich. And he's like, am I forgetting his name the comedian does that? Yakovshmurnaw is eating a sandwich and he's like in America I eat sandwich in Russia winch eat me. I saw by the way I saw a right Yakovshmurnaw. Stuart was really hurt by that one. Early in my time in New York I got free tickets to see Yakovshmurnaw's Broadway show. He was pretty.

Is that America I love you or something like that? Somethingmyrnaf's Broadway show. He was pretty. Is that the America I love you or something like that? Something like that. And you're like, let's get married or something like that? And I thought it'd be funny. I was like, oh, this is funny. We'll see a Broadway show, Jakob Smyrnaf. This is crazy.

And we watched the first half. And we were like, we could leave now. We could get the idea. You left before all the nudity. Oh, no. OK, Bobby August talking to another hellboy, batty, who we don't know who he is in the moment.

We're going to find out later. He's called Gruaga or something like that. He's kind of a gaelic pig demon. They both want revenge on hellboy. Okay, and she's like, I'll help you get revenge. Back now he go to England, England, big letters. Some kind of pop song on the soundtrack. Because guys, let me tell you, let me let you in on a hot take secret.

I'm not crazy about the Guillermo del Toro, held by movies. I love Guillermo del Toro's movies. Ever since I saw the first of his movies, I ever saw Devils Backbone when that was released in the theaters in New York, loved it in college. And I love so many of his other movies.

Shaper Water, loved it. My favorite movie that year, I think. Anyway, his held by movies were little two men and blacky for me, little two goofo a little too wacky doodle. Yeah, like a feature length, most eyes like Cantina movie. Well, now you've described the greatest movie in the history of the world. But it was a little bit like that when they were like, oh, what can we turn into a men and black franchise?

Hellboy. You want? Well, can we turn into a Guardians of the Galaxy franchise? Hellboy. You want some more creeper mups? I want it to be more like creepy muc- so as I was saying to you, while we turn into a Guardians of the Galaxy franchise? Hellboy. You want some more creeper mobs? I want it to be more like creepy mo... So, as I was saying to you, while we were watching it, the scene that says Hellboy, there are two scenes

that say Hellboy to me. One is, I think it's in the Conqueror Worm storyline. He's creeping around an old castle, and he finds there's a cabinet that's making noises, and he opens it up, there's four petrified Nazi heads that are just chattering away, attached to a weird machine, and he says, this is the worst place in the world. And I'm like, yeah, that's a hellboy story to me entirely.

It's super creepy, there's a lot of weird science that's never explained, and he's just like, oh, I hate this. And the other one is, the other one I think it's box of evil, where he and Abe Sapien are investing in a castle. It's always castles, and a monkey jumps out with a gun, and he goes, that monkey's got a gun and it shoots them. Do you think that's because Mike McNullifyns, monkey's scary or he just really likes it to rob them?

Why do you have to pick? Could be both. Yeah, that's right. So he probably goes to the O'Sire's Club and they're like, oh, we've been hunting giants for hundreds of years. We call it the wild hunt and we dress up in night somers and use spears on a horseback.

It's dumb. Anyway, three giants are on the loose. Look at our giant heads that we've mounted on the walls as trophies, but also here's a lady psychic who's gonna show you in a crystal ball, a little flashback of how you came into the world, hellboy, flashback, end of World War II. Rasputins work and with the Nazis,

they have a ritual that's gonna bring some kind of demon to earth to turn the tide for Hitler. They're always doing that stuff. Lucky for all of us, it didn't work out. News flashed in, and they didn't win. So. I'm going to blow you. Why am I being single that?

I don't understand what that is. That's when, surprise, surprise, out of nowhere, a different Mike McDonald character, lobster Johnson, a never too clearly defined vigilante character who carries two guns, and he can touch your head and burn a lobster claw image into your head. Anywhere's like, aviator goggles and leather jacket. He jumps out and just starts shooting everybody.

Is he played by a probably too old for this role Thomas Hayden Church? You bet he is. I love only a podcast audience. Are there knowing applause pause for lobster. Mr. Johnson. I'm a character who he has the one week link for me in that world because he never lived up to his potential. Anyway, then the Osiris Club shows up, Professor Brum is there, they're there to kill whatever the Nazis brought out of hell, but it turns out it's a little kid help boy.

Dan. Dan. Dan, that comment reminds me of the time when I was in college and I went to a basement hardcore show. And in between songs, the vocalist said something like about the comic book preacher and I remember after the show going and like talking to him for like 20 minutes about the comic book preacher and he had this look on his face like, stop talking to me dude, so he wants to buy merch.

Well that's a bit of stage chatter, I'm. Coming out of the eggs. So. So. Oh, not this part. You're talking OK. Yeah. Yeah. OK.

So that was all news to Hellboy. Hellboy didn't know any of that stuff. He didn't know where he came from. OK. But I'm sorry. Let's back up. It's only occurring to me now. Why did that see your tell Hellboy this?

Like, why? This movie has two things running through it. One is, everyone is constantly on their toes that at any moment, hellboy is going to turn into the beast of the apocalypse, take over the earth, bring hell to earth and kill lots of people. And so they're all constantly assuming the worst of him and ready to kill him. And the other thing is, for some reason, they decide not to tell him this straight out, but instead to hint at it in ominous ways

that seemingly arbitrary times. Like when he's about to psych himself up for a giant hunt. So it's really like, I don't know, Dan, I guess that's the reason. Because the movie needed that information stuck somewhere and they decided to stick it where the sun don't shine. They hidden room with the Osiris glove. Why is there a crystal ball that he sees it in? I don't know.

It doesn't, there's no rhyme or reason. So speaking of rhymes and reasons, here's a scene that doesn't have a rhyme or reason. There in a monastery, Guru Rakh that pig man monster, he breaks in and he kills a bunch of monks. They have one of the casks that Nimwe's part is in. And there's a whole dumb thing,

they put a smirling, put a spell on it. So only a man of God could say the words that could open up the casket. It raises a lot of questions about the relationship between Merlin's kind of, you know, Celtic paganism, how that relates to Christianity. At a time when Christianity was, if you've read, Miss of Avalon, very much at odds with that type of native religion. Yeah. It's a great book. You should read it. As my wife says many times, it is the book that introduced her as an adolescent to very detailed descriptions of sex in books. So tell me more. OK.

And I don't want to ruin this. I don't want to spoil it for you. But there is a medieval threesome. So you'll enjoy that, I think. The best guy. But do they talk about the food in the book? Are there lemon cakes and capins and... No, I don't think they talk about capons or trenches of gravy. Not interested.

Every, every George R. Martin book. Let me tell you what they're eating. Is it the same thing they were eating in the last three books, George? Uh, you'll find out, yes. Aren't I a scam? It was the same food. Yeah, why is he a bad little boy? I don't know bad little boy I'm not gonna finish those books

You want me to write them, but I'm too busy spending my new money. I'll write a prequel about things you don't really care about unless you're stewart Wellington It's just me George are on what I'm just I'm just a bad little boy enjoying my wife instead of doing these things you want me to do. Anyway, that's my George R. Martin impression. So Gros got kind to get finds a loophole where he rips the last monk's tongue out and sticks at his mouth and says the words and it's like, I don't know, God is somewhere going all along with it. Like, oh, that's the same thing, I guess. And then the song moved, I mean. And if it sounds gross, don't worry, it looks super fake.

Yeah, I mean, this movie is super gory, but it's all CGI gory. And the worst of that is later on when a character, it's Nimway, gets shot in the face and her eyeball is dangling out by a thread. It like pops out at the camera. Yeah. It's not just dangling down.

It's not dangling down. It's like dangling out as if the optic nervous, like a wire kind of like like, like, bing, bing, bing. It's like the scene in House of Wax where the guy is advertising that the house of Wax someone is just hitting paddle balls at the camera. And if you don't see the movie in 3D, as I did the first time I saw it on WPIX New Arts Movie Station, I was like, why are we watching this petal ball guy? Okay, so Guru Gok has Nimwai's head now, bump, bump, bump, the bridge they arm up with

electric taser pikes to go on the giant hunt, but while they're out on that hunt, uh-oh, it's an ambush. They're attacking Hellboy because, again, for reasons no one thought to tell Hellboy about. They wanted to die before he can cause the end of the world. It's zap, zap, zap. It's literally what I wrote here. Is this curtains for Hellboy? I don't know, because we're going to go see Nymway,

half reconstructed, just sitting around watching TV, while Groograg collects her parts. That bar was kind of funny. I don't know. Hellboy wakes up to find that their giants, they were real, have eaten the British guys. He fights and kills them all in a, okay. Yeah, it's kind of fun. I like the design of the giants.

Yeah. Yeah. Cool. But, Hellboy passes out, he wakes up in a house, say, this, now this is twice in a row Hellboy has passed out and woken up to find something. So did Raymond Chandler write this story? Because Raymond Chandler's big rule, what he used to say, if you don't know how to end a scene,

send in a guy with a gun. But his other thing was like, you don't know how to end a scene, hit the detective over the head, and you go wake up in the next scene. So, yeah. And basically every, and that means that like every scene, hellboy's waking up and then stumbling places.

Yeah, hellboy is kind of clumsy. I don't know if it's a symptom of the prosthetics or the time it's more attainable. That's true, yeah. Yeah, hellboy is kind of clumsy. I don't know if it's a symptom of the prosthetics or that makes it seem more attainable. That's true. Yeah, he's so hot. You see, I would enjoy it stone right hand and you're like there's no way I can get him. Yeah. Well, so it probably throws off his balance that he has a giant stone right hand. Now, when he has years to get used to it, presumably, but I don't know, you know, he's taking OT. He's getting better, I don't know. Anyway, so he wakes up. He's been saved by Alice Monahan.

Monigan? Monahan? She's a young woman who can talk to spirits, and she knew how boy when she was a baby. How? That's for a flashback for later in the movie. Why would we learn it right now? Professor Brum shows up, and she says,

these ghosts are telling me to kill you with this gunful of angel bones. And it's like, come on. Now, OK, now where do you get angel bones? That's. I don't like. You used to go to your mom and pop a cult botanica. Now, I guess you got to go to the big box botanica that opened up.

Yeah, and you look at the recipe, and the recipe says, just get some angel bones. And you're like, I guess I'll go to my that opened up, you know. Yeah, and like, you look at the recipe and the recipe says just get some angel bones and you're like, I guess I'll go to my butcher and like ask him for that. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I guess Amazon these days, I don't even know. I mean, I don't want to support Amazon though.

I mean, it's not good for the local economy. Yeah. So I guess it needs to be a real heaven to table restaurant. If you're really gonna support it, yeah. So, broom shows up. Professor Brum is like, hell boy, I need your, broom shows up. Professor broom, and he's like, hell boy, I need your help. I'm surprised that you could come up with that joke so quickly since you've been spending

mostly evening trying to come up with porn parody wraps based on the musical Hamilton. Okay. I did not. I did. How is a most of the evening? That was a runner started by Stewart. He said, he said a Hamilton porn rap, and I couldn't let that gauntlet go unthroened down. Most of them, I mean, they're mostly the same thing. I don't know, we won't go into them. Maybe after the show, I'll tell you some,

but I feel like we will get sued like crazy. Yeah, I mean, I didn't want to culturally appropriate porn. So. Well timed. Well timed by that bunch line. Okay, Professor, Hellboy's like, Professor Brune, why didn't you ever tell me about where I came from?

Why did you, so you didn't kill me when I was a baby? Why when I have to kill all these other monsters? Why, why, why? Brune's like, we don't have time for that. We don't have time for that. We're introducing a new character, Major Ben Dimeo. Uh-oh, people from the, from who read the comics know,

this guy's got some monster issues and for the movie He's English for some reason. I don't know and they tell Hellboy. Hey the Osiris Club You remember those guys who tried to kill you at their other hideout they have one of the Nimoy casks So we're gonna go it there and Alice is like that's the psychic girl It's like I'm coming along and everyone's like all right I guess so and Professor Brune gives Hellboy a big pistol that's in like a special box. Does he, I guess he uses his pistol once the time he shoots?

Probably, yeah. In the name of the face, they make a big to do. Like, this is the origin of his special pistol, and then nothing much comes of it. No, in some way or the fact that he has a giant stone right hand, and that doesn't matter at all. Ever, yeah. He barely even uses it to hit things with.

Yeah. Okay, they go to the Osiris Club mansion. Everyone's been murdered. And Alice uses it to hit things with. Yeah. Okay. They go to the Osiris Club mansion, everyone's been murdered. And Alice is like, I'm having a psychic migraine and actoplasm comes out of her mouth and forms that the dead psychic who told Hellboy all about where of demons come from. Now Stuart, I think you have a few words about this special effect. I mean, if you're gonna do it like just make it look like a ghost, it looks so bad. It looks like it looks like in the movie Funny People when Adam Sandler is a merman. But it looks like a snake made out of a gack.

The actors head kind of glued on top. Like when Mike Myers is playing a kid in the love guru in the beginning, and you're like, oh, no, this doesn't look right at all. And then later on, I mean, the special effect isn't the worst special effect in the movie. That's when Ian McShane does the same thing at the end of the movie. And it looks like he lay shot it in his house and just pasted his head onto this thing. Okay. And the dead psychic queen, is she going to explain what's going on in the movie? No, it's time for an ominous prophecy. The queen must never find her king. Ah, turns out Gruach is there.

He's looking for nameways arm. I don't know. They just stumble on him, basically. And nameway comes out of a portal and is like, hell boy, we should be working together. It's the old had to do. We're not so different. You and I, two sides of the same coin.

Join me together. We rule the whatever. But Damio, he just starts shooting and she disappears. And also, Damio's got a little thing. When he gets upset, he starts freaking out a little bit and he has to stab himself with some kind of special medicine. We'll find out. It's probably nothing.

Probably nothing. Yeah, it's probably just insulin, I guess. Yeah. Yeah, it's an happy pain. He had some peanuts. Hey guys, sounds like they need to get back on the hunt for name way. No, oh, flashing back time. The year is 1992,

and Hellboy saves Alice as a baby from being taken by a changeling. That changeling, little baby grew a gauk. That's why he hates Hellboy so much, and waited 20 years for his revenge. As stewards that were watching it, that should have been the first scene in the movie. But no, anyways some hags, so Nimem way back together and I'm not saying it sort of like the closed captions identify them as hagg one and hagg two. I just like that this is the sort of movie where you can just summing it up you can say dismissively. I don't know, some hags so neem way back together. But she's still not, they keep saying she can't get to her full power until she's

back together and I was like oh she's back together. And I was like, oh, she's back together now, right? There's one more part she needs, a very special part that we'll get to. Well, Hellboy is like, let your mind wander on that one. Let's just say it's a part of the body. You can't see when someone has their clothes on. Oh, shit! Oh! It turns out it's her blood.

Anyway, so... It's anyway. Meanwhile, Hellboy's learning about Nymway from old books and Dimeo goes out and gets a special bullet that can kill Hellboy when Hellboy inevitably goes bad. Hellboy's got all this tension with room. It's real daddy-issue stuff. And Hellboy's like, well, maybe a few humans

weren't always trying to kill monsters. Monsters and humans could live together. And it's like's like dude have you seen the monsters are always biting people's heads off like I don't know. Hellboy, he storms out and gets trapped in a magic elevator that takes him to a magic forest where Baba Yaga's chicken leg house is. And Baba Yaga is all ring-owing it up, contorting around and crawling around at all floors with her head upside down. Yeah, she's doing a real exercise spider walk around.

And she's like, Hellboy, I was doing this thing and you stopped me and shot my eye out and now I hate you and it's like, how much backstory? Does this movie gonna lay on us? And it's like they had the entirety of the Hellboy comic series and they're like, this is our one shot guys. We got to stick it all in there. We are not throwing away our shot. Which is not the, there was a porn version of that

that I was saying earlier. Yeah, it works, it still works. Yeah, it still works. Anyway. So that, I mean, this is kind of a fun scene because Bobby Aguislip is all over the place. And like, Hellboy seems kind of unsure of himself. Yeah, that's definitely my favorite.

And he's like, I don't want to eat this soup that's made out of children bodies. And like, I get it, man, I wouldn't want to. There's this stuff. But you got it. Yeah, you got it. Nice. You got to pull the soup up to your mouth, and I'm like,

mm, and put it back down again. Yeah, where are you like flipping over your shoulder? Yeah, you're like jumping in a plant in the plant dies. And there's the one creepy moment in the movie is where he picks up the spoon, and there's children's fingers in the soup. And the camera kind of turns, and he looks looks behind him and you see her like meat locker or it's body same and I'm like and you just see it for a short amount of time and I'm like oh yeah

this is what the movie needs to be creepy yeah not to have so many radio hits playing all the time during fight scenes anyway she's like I want my eye to replace the eye you shot out I'll tell you where Neemway is if you give it to me. And then for some reason, she gives him a big, gross, sloppy kiss where her tongue is literally wiping all over his face. And I did enjoy him saying, like, oh, how's your tongue, Harry? Yeah. And he's always got a quip.

Hellboy's always got a quip for every occasion, even if there's no one around to hear it. And many of the quips sound a little like they were ADR'd in later, but. Seems unlikely. I mean, you wouldn't need to punch up this movie at times. I mean, you can't always think of the right thing to say at the moment. I would love it if like during the filming, they're like telling David Harbour, that is. David Harbour. David Harbour, they're like, could you deliver, can you just act more like with your back turn to the camera? So we can just like, whatever we want later on, we can just stick it in.

Should we take a moment to talk about the design of Hellboy in this one? Because the David Harbers fault that the design of the character is a little... The prosthetic doesn't allow for a lot of motion from his face. And he's also like, he's going up against the last Hellboy, which is Ron Pearlman, who is the best actor in prosthetics. Yeah, he's amazing. Like him and Doug Jones, they're like, you're not going to top those guys.

Yeah. And for some reason they made a decision, I mean, Hellboy's always had like, sometimes he's got a little ponytail, somebody's got kind of a top knot, one of my list favorite men's hairdos. But that's true. Yeah, you're not a fan of the Witcher series. Yeah.

I think it's mainly just because I'll never have enough hair again to do it. But for this they decided that his hair should always be out and down in this kind of like long stringy like What does it look like like I don't know? It looks kind of like a wrestler. Yeah, he looks like the wrestler He looks like Mickey Roy, the wrestler. Yeah, they're and they're really like oh Who's making comparisons to Mickey Roy now? I Compare it his hair. I didn't I didn't imply that Mickey Roy's face looks like a demon from hell

I haven't I didn't imply that Mickey Rourke's face looks like a demon from hell I haven't liked you and you and you bring in exhibit A which is Flop house episode Marvel for what you said then Mickey Rourke was like a bag of mashed potatoes. I Was younger than Dan I was younger and I didn't live in Los Angeles yet. So it was very unlikely he could find me Yeah, you probably don't go to the same like Chihuahua groomer. Yeah, he's got a great Instagram with a bunch of Chihuahua's. Yeah, I remember when his Chihuahua was diagnosed, he was really sad about it. He does have feelings, he's a human being. I should have gotten that from his performance in the wrestler, which is hauntingly vulnerable. But okay, so he's like, I'll give you my eye when I'm done with it.

See ya, and they have a big fight in anyway. But he knows where name way is now. So he and Allison, Damio and nobody else decided to go confront name way. And meanwhile, Allison is like, Damio, why do you hate monsters so much? And he's like, once I was with a special ops group and we were in a fighting a Jaguar demon

and believes and I was the only survivor. And you just catch a glimpse of this Jaguar demon and he looks so much like a gritty reboot of Chester Cheetah. Like, all he's missing is the shades, but it's like you imagine that some Hollywood producers like what IP is still available to make a horror movie out of. The Frito Bandito, they did it. What about the Hawaiian punch guy? They did it. What's left Hawaiian punch guy? They did it.

What's left and he sees a bag of cheetos across the room and he goes, get me that cheetah. That's like that, because that seems like almost a parody of backstory. Why do you hate monsters so much? Like flashback, like special ops, like a monster, like, monster-wise? I mean, just like, you know what?

I don't think we need motivation for not liking monsters in this world. It's a good like, monster-wise, and we're just like, you know what? I don't think we need motivation for not liking monsters in this world. It's a good point, yeah. Monsters are pretty mean normally. Yeah, I mean except the ones in real monsters were kind of hapless or monsters inks. Dan, I found a lot of evidence against you. Or like a mad monster party maybe.

Yeah, I mean what was so mad about that monster party? They think they have a great time. I mean I think it was, everything was like mad, like mad magazine, like, like mad magazine like that was not a mad endorsed. No, the name is up for the man. Brad is no, just taking. Brad is no, just saying I'm just saying it has the same spirit of a mad. But you can't just say like oh this is you can't just say this is like mad magazine

I'll just call it mad. If I opened up the mad cafe and we have the spirit of mad magazine our cafe. Yeah do that. You can do it now, Mad Willamder. We can do whatever you want. All right, let's do it, guys. Let's move to Minneapolis and open up the Maddieapolis Mad Magazine Cafe. What are we going to call? What are the grand opening we can get

a big celebrity like Manspeel City? I love it. Let's do this. And then it's like apocalypse now. I just send back a letter that says, sell the house, sell the kids I'm it. Let's do this. It's like apocalypse now. I just send back a letter that says, sell the house, sell the kids, I'm done. Like, okay, so they're in the forest. They're in a helicopter, but they can't land too close to Nymway.

When she's at a magic tree that's full of her blood and she needs to get it back, zombies attack them and the hellboy just runs off. And Damio, he has to keep injecting himself with this madman medicine that makes it to stop being a monster, I guess. Yeah, but at the same time, this is when Alice is punching zombies and knocking their ghosts out of their bodies. Yeah, because she can just do that now. It's pretty cool.

And he's like, you can do that. And he's like, I do lots of weird stuff. All right. Yeah. Neemway is back to normal. And her army of kind of like CGI gremlins shows up. And they are not the most intimidating characters.

Like they look like if it was a kids movie and there's like a portal to a Gremlin world and a real estate developer wants to steal the land. We're like kidnapped the Gremlins to sell them as the hot toy of the season and two kids have to save them. Like that's what they look like a little bit. And Hellboy shows up in Schutz Neym way in the face. Her eyes dangling.

Her army of Gremlins runs away instantly. And Nimue is like, Hellboy, you should be my king. Let's rule together, we'll start a new Eden from the ashes of the human world. And he's like, no way, dude. So from her crown of twigs, she snaps a little twig and throws it like bulls eye would throw a toothpick right into Alice's neck.

It's got magic poison in it. And she runs off in another witch comes out and is like, hell boy, you got to go down this tunnel across this beach over to this place, to that place, to the cave where Merlin is buried. And over, we see her voice over in this as they do it. And I'm like, why did you show us them doing this? You know, you're just like, what Merlin's cave?

I mean, the thing is like, do they trust, they assume the audience like, well, they don't explain exactly where they're going. It won't make sense. There's a thing, there's an essay, Umberto Echo wrote called, How to Tell if you're in a porn movie, here's something like that.

And he was saying, in movies, there are scenes of things happening, but in porn, it's just sex scenes, but you can't do just sex scene, sex scene, sex scene. It would deaden you. They've got to fill it with something. So they fill it with a lot of people getting from one place to another.

So we're saying, if you are going from one place to another and you experience the entire journey from point A point B, you're an porn movie. And I feel like that's what's going on here, kind of. I mean, I experience the entire journey from point A to point B whenever I'm going somewhere, Elliot. So am I a porn movie? You tell me, you know, a lot more about your private life

than I do. I mean, you're not probably not in a great porn movie, but you know. Oh, you don't know. You don't know. That's true, I don't know. Okay, so maybe you're in a fantastic one. I'll just go with you and we'll find out, you know.

It's a real Schrodinger sex cat scenario. Until it's observed, we won't know. Okay, so they go find Merlin and Merlin's like, hey, let me lay some backstory on you, because we're like, great, we need it more. And this is one of those moments where they go to somebody that they need like cast a spell and Merlin's like, only do it if you kill Nimway for me.

And they're like, we're gonna do that anyway, okay? Like there's no cost first you must do a quest for me. You must destroy Nimway the blood queen. That's what we're doing. Oh, okay Well, I mean maybe like a different quest. I feel like there should be a question here Pick up that rock handed to me you did it. Oh champion Now I'll do what you're bidding all right, but do the other thing to the Nimway thing and he saves Alice pick up that rock handed to me. You did it, oh, champion! Now I'll do what you're bidding, all right, but do the other thing too, the Nymway thing. And he saves Alice and he explains, hell boy, your mom was a descendant of King Arthur.

And she was a witch and had sex with a demon and you were born. And so since you're half human and descendant of King Arthur, you can wield a scaler to destroy Nymway. And I'll admit, in the comics, this is one of, not one of my favorite parts of the comics, is the Arthur stuff. I love almost all the rest of it.

But they got to be faithful. And they got to do it by cramming all that exposition into one semi-flashback. You know, Elliot, I often when you're giving one of these recaps, particularly the live shows, I think like, okay, this sounds like the craziest bullshit in the world. Like, the audience must be like, what? This is the savior's move. Like, what is his like? His name is Venom, that doesn't make sense at all. He's a symbiote, but in this case, like...

It's Stuart. It gives rise to, again, as we said earlier in the day, my favorite line, I think, in any flop house movie, when Michelle Williams sits next to Tom Harding, she goes, I'm sorry about Venom. Like, his dog died and his dog's name Venom. I mean, they were very close, literally. Literally, Venom lived in his skin. No, I'm just saying that like, for once,

like, the movie is exactly as just joined and weird as you're describing. Yeah, it does feel like they had a movie and they put in a blender and like spun it around and they're like. My tender heart. Anyway. So, Merlin Conjures Epic Scalibur, which is sitting there vibrating in reality, kind of like half in, half out, and how boy grabs it and they sees this magical vision of himself riding

a dragon through hell and traaming crowns up, kind of like running down a dragon tail. And it sounds awesome, but it kind of isn't. Yeah, it's real heavy metal stuff. I mean like heavy metal the movie or the magazine. Yeah, it's a music too I guess. But it's just like it's not as cool as it sounds. But he's like, oh he hesitates and the sword disappears and Merlin is like nice work hot shot and crumbles to dust. He's like, he's like, he's like, you fucked it up, hellboy. And it just doesn't move.

X-lacks. So, Niemwe, at this point, she throws caution to the wind. She's walking around the streets of London, throwing plague bugs at people. And it's actually, BP already hide out there. They're in the London auxiliary annex, I guess. And then, Helboe and Dimeo and Alice show up in a church for some reason. I don't remember. And Nimue is there and she's made Graghauch enormous.

And Helboe fights him and it's really God Helboe on the ropes. So Dimeo, he's like, time for me to let out the beast. If you know what I mean. Hell yeah, he chugs a monster energy drink. And he turns into his Jaguar monster. And this is hilarious because he's like, ah, turning into a Jaguar. And it looks just like the scene in an American War Wolf in London except not as good.

Like, it's all computers. And I should say, there's a lot of practical makeup effect. It's not just because it's computers. It's done like it's very quick and cheap and the movie didn't have a sports money. And Groogra is like, I'm going to finish you off, hell boy, he's about to stab.

And you wait, Jaguar man roars and Gro Grak is like, I'm going to finish you off, hell boy, he's about to stab him. And you wait Jaguar Man roars and Guru Grak's like, huh, what's that? And he can't see what to where it came from. And then Jaguar Man jumps out at him. And it was like, why the roar? You already had the element of surprise. LA, and I think you're overlooking an important part of Guru Grak, the pig demon.

Because the, and we should all jump and he has a kind of some kind of Irishis Scottish accent and he is constantly swearing. I was like, he's constantly swearing. I was like a version of me depressed where someone turns to someone like, I think you're overlooking an important aspect of Groogrock the big demon. But it certainly feels like this character is like, well, we got an R rating, we should just fucking go with it right now.

Yeah, no, he's swearing up a storm. Every time he's like, hell boy, fucking shit, butt, an R rating. We should just fucking go with it right now. He's swearing up a storm every time he's like, hell boy fucking shit but but fuck Poop dong, etc. That's like yeah, that's already I'll rate it. Yeah And they fight Jaguar monster stops him and Niemwe shows up again and she's like, but they don't even stop Grover I guess like gonna win and then Nimway shows up. She's like don't kill Hellboy anymore. Now I'm gonna kill you And she takes all his power and he turns into a little baby and he's like fuck you Hellboy And it's like Nimway really the one who screwed you over on this one I don't and he just explodes in blood right? Yeah, when he gets small enough and it's like

What happens all of us you know and he gets small enough. And it's like, why did... That's what happens all of us, you know. When he gets small enough, he explodes in blood. That sounds like an album you would listen to explode in blood. You told me. That sounds great. So she was like, I needed him to get you as mad as possible so I can convince you to join me. And it's like, hmm, psychology, I guess, I don't know.

And she takes Professor Brum out and she's like, join me or I'll kill him. And I'll do it anyway. And she, with one of her long fingernails, just flicks his throat and kills him. And hellboy is so mad that he pulls a scalover out of the stone because it's there also. And she probably grew that fingernail for cocaine. But I guess.

I got to assume. Merring people is a good secondary use. Yeah, back in the five seventies. She was really doing all the cocaine. She's like, I was chopped up so I missed the eighties. So I got. So I've been doing it all. That's why she's wearing like a suit jacket with rolled-up sleeves and like a super skinny tie. I've heard this safety dance song. I'm going to spin you right round, Hellboy, like a record player. And Hellboy's like, what's that?

I'm a cool young person. Oh, did I forget to mention earlier that in this world, Hellboy is famous also, and people are always tweeting about him. But anyway, so Hellboy goes to Nomad, he pulls out Excalibur and his horns grow out, and his sword goes on fire, and his flaming crown appears hovering above his head. And that's the key cue for a bunch of giant monsters to just walk around London murdering people in the most gruesome way as possible.

And it's like a different movie suddenly and drooded on this movie. And you know what? I kind of loved it. And this is stuff that's happening, help way I don't think, ever knows that this happens. Like it's all outside of where they are. Yeah, it's like a monster jumps out and like rips a guy's face off or like a monster that has a hand where it's all outside of where they are. Yeah, it's like a monster jumps out and like rips a guy's face off

or like a monster that has a hand where it's crotch is, ripping a guy in half, like it's crazy. But at this point I'm like, wow, movie, you really turned around. Yeah. It's like, never as a movie swip so quickly is like audition or something. It's super gory. And Hellboy is about to join Niemweway and Damio is about to shoot him with

the magic Hellboy killing bullet which has made us some magic stuff. When Alice raises broom spirit with a bunch of ectoplasm out of her mouth and this is when we see again the worst effect in the movie. And Professor Brum tough loves Hellboy into doing the right thing. Hey man up you're a human being so grow some balls and fight this lady. And hellboy's like, okay, and chops up Nimway with Excalibur. That's the cue for all the demons to get sucked up into hell. I guess the demons were on,

like they had a recreational leave from hell jail. I don't know. I mean, he, at this point, he like gives up his... Does he break his horns? Yeah, he breaks his horns. He decides not to be the Prince of Hell or whatever. Anungo Ramma, the right-handed destruction. He has a piece of making blood.

And then he chucks Nimwais head down into hell. Yeah, he chucks Nimwais head into hell. And Brums Ghost is like, I'm sorry, I wasn't a better dad. I love you, Hellboy. And it's genuinely moving. It's not like the scene in spoiler alert, Anne of Green Gables, Richard Farnsworth dies in front of Anne, and he says, I never wanted it.

I boy, Anne, I wanted you. I'm so proud of you. And I was crying so hard. I like it. And he gives that speech as it's been called through somebody's mouth of active health. Yeah. Elliot Kalen's controversial position

that Anne of Green Gables is more moving than Ian McShane as a glob ghost saying, I love you, Hellboy. That's a demon, man. I'll take that hot tag, yeah. Elliot, I'm sorry about that. Thanks, that means a lot to me. I appreciate it. Dimeo shatters his Hellboy killing bullet because he's seen the light six months later,

the title, oh, and then the camera pans up and we see that London is in ruins. London has been fucking raised. And so six months late, which would have been a funny way to end the movie, six months later, Siberia. Now, Dimeo, Alice, and Hellboy, they're the new BPRD team and they're just kick and ass, take in names. They're not take in names.

They're beating up faceless bad guys in hazmat suits. Who look if anything like scientists who are trying to get out of the way while these guys are just killing them. They're like running away with clipboards, getting their ghosts, punch out their bodies. We didn't know what the job was. I wanted to put it in a museum. That was Dracula, the archaeologist. Okay. I wanted to put it in a museum. That was Dracula, the archaeologist. Blah, it deserves to be in a museum. Do you know how hard it is to dig in the desert only at night? Yeah.

Anyway, I guess there's a reason Indian a Dracula and the brain is a little lost, I think. I never eat bad dates. Nice, very nice, very nice children all of the night. They belong in a museum. So I hate snakes and steaks. I guess this is our SNL character now. You'll see Dracula, we're not so different to you and I. Because we're both vampires. That's right.

Belax is a vampire in this picture, yeah. Belax also a vampire. And Sean Connery is not a vampire, but he's still like, I guess he is, he still sounds like Sean Connery, you know. MJ was my favorite. We called the vampire Dog Indie. Anyway, how great would that be though? Okay, it's the beginning class to say.

We're so closely in. And River Phoenix is on that train. Ah, instead of falling in a cattle car with snakes in it, he falls into the cattle car that's transporting Dracula's skeleton. Is it John Carodyne from the later universal pictures? You bet it is. The stake gets knocked out of the skeleton, he bites him, ah, I'm a Dracula now.

And now you know the rest of the story. Okay, six months later, they're inside the area, they kill all these scientists, they find some kind of a big tube, and they wipe away the dust on the nameplate, Ike the O sapion, a hand slaps the glass, cut to black. That's right, Abe sapion will be in the sequel that was never made. End of credit scenes, right?

In correcto. Skip ahead, mid-credit scene. Hellboy's real sad at Brums Grave. It's a real, a last-per-yoric type scene. And then lobster Johnson shows up to give him a comedy pep talk and hellboy's like, lobster Johnson's ghost, I love you. You're amazing. Oh my God, I'm so star-struck. End of scene. Oh, he has with my mind. It makes no sense why that's in there other us like, lobster Johnson's ghost, I love you, you're amazing. Oh my God, I'm so star struck, end of scene.

And he makes no sense why that's in there, other than like maybe Thomas Hayden Church is like, I'm only doing this movie if I get too seen. Too seen, please. And it ends with help going, well that just happened, and you're like, that describes the movie, yes. End of movie, right?

No, wrong again. Stop, good o'ping, two, conclusions. End of movie, right? No, wrong again. Stop gumping, too. Conclusions. End of credits scene for the true hellheads who stayed till the end. Or Hellboys, B-O-I-Z. OK. The Baba Yaga is promising some off-screen monster.

I want revenge on Hellboy. If you kill Hellboy, I'll give you what you want most. I'll let you die. Cut to black. Will we ever find out who that monster was? No, we won't. The movie was not a success. There will be no sequel.

Much like the end of the Mario Brothers movie when Princess Peach shows back up with a big gun and says, I need your help. We don't know why she needs their help. And I'm going to guess it was Rasputin. That's my guess. But I guess we'll have to talk to Neil Marshall. Princess Peach need their help to kill Rasputin. That's my guess, but I guess we'll have to talk to Neil Marshall. Hey, Princess Peach, I need their help to kill Rasputin.

No, no Stuart. I mean, maybe. If there's anyone you need help to kill, it's Rasputin. Yeah, I guess. He can't just like jump up and down his head. You need like fireballs or something. Yeah, you gotta jump on a turtle shell that knocks them over. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You jump on his head three different times. You got a time as fireballs, so you can get over them. Okay, and then his big hovering clown helicopter thing crashed his down. Unfortunately, your sequel is in a different castle. And that's the famous bit where we ram a couple of different things together. Anyway. Also known as the whole podcast. Yeah.

Let's do our final judgments about this movie. Sure. It's called Hellboy. Oh. If you say so. Oh, here, man. Is it a good bad movie? A bad, bad movie or movie you kind of like Stewart?

What do you have to say? Yeah, this was a bad, bad movie. I mean, yeah, I was just, it was a bummer, not a fan. Yeah, I had a hopeless movie. I don't have the same connection to the character that you guys do. I basically knew him from the Del Toro movies, but Neil Marshall, the director, made the descent,

which I think is probably the best horror movie of that decade. Yeah. And he made Doom's Day, which is a lot of fun, very silly, but fun. And Dog's Soldiers is also fun. And this made Doomsday, which is a lot of fun, very silly but fun. And dog soldiers also fun. And this movie is not good at all. Well, this is also the first movie you didn't write. Well, and also, as Ellie said, I made fun of him for bringing it up, but it was a torture production. Well, well, well. What a tangled, we-we-we-we-we-we. What goes around

comes around. It just seems the backstage story is on the other foot. Now my friends. None of these apply, but what do you have to say, Ellie? It wishes were fishes. If it's in butts, we're candy and nuts. That would be a weird world. Very weird world. Very weird world. I don't know, maybe I feel like I'm seeing it through the lens of someone who has so much

affection for the original source material. I don't know if I can fully judge it fairly. But again, taking my cue from the people we watched it with who could not follow the film because it was so crazy and disjointed, I'm gonna say, maybe there's some fun to be had in it if you just wanna watch like Goofy CGI Gore, but I thought it was a bad move. Yeah. All right. It pains me to say, in a way.

Does it? I mean. You seem to take pleasure out of it, but let's move on. I took pleasure and then I regretted that pleasure because everyone who worked on it was trying their best, you know. They're hellbest.

You're all of their grandmas right now. Yeah. All right. All right. Elliot suddenly quits the podcast, Mitch. You know what, this whole premise is kind of mean. I'm gonna go. Hello, there ghouls and gals. It is I, April Wolfe. I'm here to take you through the twisty, scary, heart pounding world of genre cinema on the exhilarating, dramatic, and dramatic film. Hello there ghouls and gals, it is I, April Wolf. I'm here to take you through the twisty, scary, heart pounding world of genre cinema on the exhilarating program known as...

Switch Blade Sisters. The concept is simple. I invite a female filmmaker on each week and we discuss their favorite genre film. Listen in closely to hear past guests like the Bava-Dook director, Jennifer Kent, Wintersbone director, Deborah Granick, and so many others every Thursday on MaximumFun.org. Tune in if you dare. It's actually a very thought-provoking show that deeply explores the craft and philosophy behind the filmmaking process while also examining film through the lens of the female gaze.

So, like, you should listen. Switchblade sisters. Judge John Hodgman ruled in my favor. Judge John Hodgman ruled in my friend's favor. Judge John Hodgman ruled in my favor. I'm Judge John Hodgman. You're hearing the voices of real litigants, real people who have submitted disputes

to my internet court at the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I hear their cases, I ask them questions, they're good ones. And then I tell them who's right and who's wrong. Thanks to Judge John Hodgman's ruling, my dad has been forced to retire one of the worst dad jokes of all time. Instead of cutting his own hair with a flow bee, my husband has his hair cut professionally.

I have to join a community theater group. And my wife has stopped bringing home wild animals. It's the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Find it every Wednesday at maxmanfund.org, or wherever you download podcasts. Thanks Judge John Hodgman. Alright, uh, yeah, this is the part where we answer some questions. And the LA said there are a couple of microphones. I know I'm going to stand up for this one because I'm an old man.

I can't sit that long. Ow, ow, ow. You guys, I've said it before I'll say it again. I know you got cues. Let us A-Om. That is true. There's a Q and A. There's nothing gross about that.

It sounded gross. I saved time, but not saying the extra syllables. No. Dan, which side should we start from? Should we start from that side or that side? That side or that side? I start on the left and then back and forth. Okay, stage left, house right.

Correct. Some theater terms for you. Wait, Dan. Someone was in a play once. You know, before we get to questions. Oh God. The theaters are magical place, you know. And sometimes,

Oh, it's time to check in from my play home, huh? You just, you just can't express that magic in prose. You gotta do it, jumps up in song. Well, Dan, well, Stewart, we've gone a lot of places on this big blue marble, but I don't think any place can compare to Minneapolis. I just wanna give the city a kiss, Minneapolis. If I had a snake, it would probably hiss Minneapolis. Hey, you know, like I said, there's a lot of cities around, but hey, you know, when I realized my plane would be touching down in Minneapolis, well, I jumped for joy in my seat.

I had to stay buckled while the plane was landing. There's the FAA is very careful about that. They're very strict with their rules, and you know what else I'd say rules. Minneapolis, thank you. You know. You know. Usually that's the point where either I or Stewart or sometimes both would leave the stage to go pee,

but there's no green room bathroom, so we had no way to escape that. So we just peed in our pants. We did. All right, let's answer some questions. Hello, my name is Salem. Last name withheld. I started listening to your podcast when I was 13. No joke, I went through your backlog,

playing Minecraft on the family computer. It's like you had the your generation version of my life. So now I'm 20 and in college. And I was thinking that's like a crazy long time to be doing anything, this podcast not playing Minecraft. So when you're working on a project for so long that is a very consistent project, but you're still going through many different periods in your life and having a lot of changes, but makes you stay motivated and interested in your work even when it's not necessarily changing or doing anything interesting. And also, that's exciting.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, just kind of perfectly fine process question. Suddenly it's the rose to the floor. No, I'm sorry. Are we in hell right now? That was so lame. Yeah, come on. I said I'm so sorry. No, we didn't change our growth. So it's fine.

We've never changed. That's fine. We're doing the same thing. I mean, we're less gross than some of the things we say But sorry, so your question. How do you how do you keep it challenging kind of? Yeah, sorry I got me and I was nervous. No, no, it's alright. It happens. It happens. I blame the internet culture Also a very important question if each of you were an animal. What animal would you be? I mean Stuart, we know would be a party animal I mean, Stuart, we know it would be a party animal.

Stuart, did they half-hearted flaw? And I think it's been established that I'm a sloth. I think that that's already canon. And I think I'd probably be a pangolin, an elegant armadillo, if you will. I would say, I mean, I feel like we've been doing this podcast for different reasons for each of those years, started out just as a lark. I mean, you guys started it without me. But like, when I joined, it was to have fun, and you know, the babes, obviously. But at this point, it's like, I really enjoy doing it, plus we could pay it to do it. But also, I don't live on the same part of the country that these guys do anymore. So it's like, it's very exciting to me to know that I'm going to talk to them at least

once every two weeks, because we're exciting to me to know that I'm going to talk to them at least once every two weeks because we're going to have to record this show. And so like, it's really nice that this helps us keep that friendship close together, you know? Oh, you know, there's been, there's been times in my life where I've been really busy and it's a good release. It also like is a good way to force me to watch movies because in addition to the movie, we have to watch for the episode. I try to watch other movies so I can have something to recommend

because I get kind of stressed out if I haven't seen anything recently and I don't just want to be like, oh, stop making sense or something. I saw this on a plane. I guess it's okay. I have a very bad memory. I just forgot that I recommended it before Stewart, but thanks. No, I started it out for fun because it was a good thing to do with friends.

And then we had an audience which both gave me a feeling of obligation to an audience and also made me want to do it because I thought that maybe the love of strangers could fill the hole in my heart. And how's that going? It's a worth a mistake. Is it working? No, it doesn't work at all. Thank you for your question.

Thanks for being here and thanks for listening. Woo! The other side. That's similar to how I realized when I was watching this album movie that I've been reading Hellboy Comics for over two decades, which is nuts. There's only one thing I've been doing longer than that, reading Spider-Man stories. All right, Matt, last name withheld.

So I think one thing that many of us learned from this movie is the importance of flashbacks in cinema. So maybe this is a two-part question. Number one, what is a movie that does flashbacks well? And number two, maybe if possible, what would a crad daddy flashback work? Oh, wow. Oh, wow.

OK. I'll answer that last one. You guys have to answer the first part of the class, too. Oh, cool. Thanks. Yeah. I mean, Memento is kind of all flashbacks. So maybe that counts. I don't know. It does flashbacks well. I mean, there's certainly some flashbacks in the Lord of the Rings, so those are clearly done perfectly. I mean, I guess Citizen Kane is sort of a bunch of interlocking flashbacks, isn't it?

Yes, that's exactly what it is. That's a good movie. Some people might say it's the best movie. It's been said before. And you know, Croddatti, here's the, I'll just lay out the Croddatti scenario for you. Croddatti is taking out his son, soccer team, for pizza after the game. Like a good dad, like a good Peewee soccer coach.

And he's like, oh well, boy, this is all this pepperonu pizza reminds me of the time my own rampage. Open that alligator sausage factory. And it would be a very touching scene of his of his grandpa be going out to get new alligators for the sausage and tragically losing his life to big mama Gator the biggest gator in the swamp and cry daddy it comes back to cry daddy is like I always promised grandpa on his death there that I catch big mama Gator. But, you know, the job market took me elsewhere. You boys won and it was all.

Again, again, impenetrable to people who have not heard the podcast before. I think they can pick up the, again, for me, if not heard, the General Premise, Cruddetti grew up in the Louisiana Bayou, and now he lives in the Chicago. I live in the Chicago providing a flashback. Yeah, and he now he lives in the Connecticut suburbs.

Growing up in a shack in a bayou, a boy I always had to watch his self and learn how to play fiddle real good. But now I gotta take advantage of this property tax, due to auction. Good, Good stuff. Good evening, Peaches. Jaffa, last name withheld.

If I may, I'd like to thank Stewart for coming out to the game company withheld game center yesterday and playing some games with us. We had a really great time. Thank you. Stewart, the listeners can't see you waving away the praise. You got to say something. Although I received a phone call from Josh, our booking agent, and I was like, yeah, I'll talk to you after this. I'm in a game store playing some games. He's like, Stuart's just in a strange town playing game store. Check's out. I do have a real question, which is,

if you were to create a Mamma Mia style jukebox musical around one artist or band, what artist or band would that be, and what would be your first act swelling I wish song? Oh, man. Oh. I mean, I think mine would probably be Judas Priest. Because Judas Priest has three or four types of songs. They have pump up power anthems. I mean, I think mine would probably be Judas Breast. Yeah.

Because Judas Breast has three or four types of songs. They have pump up power anthems. They have, I got hurt by this relationship songs. They got songs about monsters that kill people. And then miscellaneous. And I guess, I guess, yeah, you got another thing coming. It would be the first time. Because you know people are waiting for it too.

Get it out early. And then you can get to take these chains later on when the relationship falls apart. Well, as Stuart mentioned earlier, I have recommended it's not making sense at least four times in the podcast. So of course, my artist would be Carly Ray-Jepson. And the song would be, I really, really, really, really, really like you.

And it would be about, I don't know, a job being in New York for a magazine as it's an every romantic comedy. According to romantic comedies, the magazine market is booming. Yeah, it's amazing. And obviously, I would do a jukebox musical based on the works of Deaf Lepard. And in our opening pump up sequence, Joe Elliott would be working at a baking school,

and he'd be talking to a sentient cake of some kind. And the cake would, of course, be demanding that some sugar be poured on him. All right, thank you very much. Thank you for the question. On that side now. Hi, it's me Abby, last name with hell. Since this podcast doesn't have a rule against bombers,

I do want to ask kind of a bomber question. OK. Oh, welcome. Oh, let me check the rule book. It's a new rule that we're going to have from the future on. This is how laws get made. Yeah, that's why. Yeah, you're right.

Nothing in the rule book about bombers. I know I can't watch big fish because I have a dead dad, and it would bump me out too much. And there are other movies that I have watched. And I'm like, well, I'm not going to watch that movie again, because it's too real. Are there any movies that either make you sad every single time you watch them?

Or you're never going to watch again, because they're too sad? I mean, there must be. There are definitely movies I've seen where I'm like, glad I saw that, but I don't feel the need to ever see it again. I'm trying to think of any specific ones, though. I mean, there are some movies that make me sad, like the Iron Giant, that I watch over and over again. I'm trying to think of any specific ones, though. I mean, there's some movies that make me said, like, the Iron Giant that I watch over and over again.

But that's. Yeah, I don't, I mean, it's tough, because I don't have that kind of, oh, this was a personal experience that I had. Because you kind of a cipher, a sociopath. Yeah. You're a mask and hide, nothing. I mean, I see your human emotions, and I copy them as best I can. You mirrored them, yeah.

No, I just, I've had a very, like, look, I've been divorced, but like other than that, like I've had a very, like, charmed life, I feel like I had a very... You'd almost say it's a semi-charmed kind of life. I mean, not legally, but. Uh, I'll just skip to you. I don't have like a personal thing that like, I have that problem. There are movies that I cry all the time at, but they're like movies that I love. Like I cry at the end of raising Arizona, but those are like happy tears every time.

Like every single fucking time I see that movie, I listen to that last monologue that I have as I cry. But it's not a personal thing or anything. Yeah, I mean, I think the movies that I've seen that I never will watch again are usually things that are that do to filmmaking techniques and giving me motion sickness. So like, I'll watch at once and I'll be like, I can't do this again. I'm sorry, Requiem for a Dream. Maybe multiple viewings will make me get the deeper meaning.

But that's a lack of feeling. Yeah. That's similar to what humans call emotions. I mean, there's definitely, like since becoming a dad, there's definitely movies that, like, I think I would've been able to shrug things off in them that I can't shrug off now. And like, I don't know if there are any Jewish people in the audience, but part of my Jewish

education was being force-fed Holocaust movies at a very high rate. So there's a lot of like, that people being like, we want you to understand your connection with this, and I'm like, I understand. I don't ever need to, I don't ever want to see this again. There's definitely appeared in my life when I went through extreme depression, but the way that that manifests to itself, one of the only ways that I've been to. Starting the podcast. And then I got abused by my two best friends.

No, I... That's right. That's right. I... Aww. The one of the ways that depression manifested itself was actually like not being interested in movies at all anymore. I think that I enjoyed very much which started my, uh, current trend of what I do to entertain

myself, which is to listen to podcasts, uh, through my earbuds while having a movie on mute on the television and scrolling through Facebook. Which is pretty. Just see if you can see the all synced up. Someday there's going to be a picture of you doing that in a museum and it's going to say 21st century man. And then the next caption will say 22nd century man. None. I hope that was something. And then in the next caption we'll say 20-second century man, none.

I hope that was something. Well, we there's a lot of bummers over there, but thank you. Okay, next question over here. Not good question. I like the questions that make us think. And make us feel. So I like the Shrek Jones shirt that this gentleman has. Oh, thank you. I'm also a fellow Earlham College Theatre alum. I know.

Wilkinson Theater. Yay. Anyways, my name is... Now, the audience is pandering to the host. They don't care. So my name is Nick, last name with help. So it seems like critics and people have really turned against the new Lion King movie,

citing the dead eyes and just the creepiness of seeing these photo-realistic lions. So my question for you is, what non-animal movie would benefit from being remade with photo-realistic CGI lions? Kind of hard to narrow it down. I'm thinking maybe... Like, Cramer versus Kramer, I guess. I'm thinking maybe beauty in the beast, except the beast is man.

Uh, I don't know. That story already has a sub-several problematic element. I think that does feel like the thing that would have you at the end of a video you watch in school about the environment and the true beast was man I would say I would say cruel intentions Yeah, I decided it's growing. I can see it. Yeah, I see it What do you say like a man? What do you think I'm going to make it? What if it's Kwayana Scazi and the lines are just those fast-motion people that you occasionally

see? Just fast-motion lines? Are they in cities? Still are they just front of the jungle? Just on cities walking around, doing line business. I will say this, I recently, because of something that was said on Twitter by a famous, not going to be president, candidate for president. I flipped my opinion on those Disney movies.

I like everyone else, was like I missed the emotion of the characters in the old ones, I missed the color, I missed the vibrancy of it, and then I realized all of Disney's movies for the most part are remakes of other things. So I said, you know what? Why not everybody? We're going to do 10 more of these in the next 30 years Let's just go for it, you know, I like the argument that they're just doing it for money. It's like No kidding

Why do you think they made the first one dudes? So yeah, I think that's a lion movies good job. All right. Oh, if I was a real dick, I'd be like, born free. Roar. Roar. Roar. Roar. If you haven't seen Roar, it is the most buck wild movie. Go ahead and watch Roar. All right, over there.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Gentlemen, who is already wearing one of our shirts. Ben, first time writer, longtime listener, laughing with held. If you were going, this podcast talks a lot about movies that have terribly badly designed monsters or other villains.

If you were going to design a movie monster, how would you do it? I mean, it's hard for me to, and when the perfect movie monster design exists, it's the Zeno more of everybody. It's hard for me to compete, but when perfect movie monster design exists, it's the xenomorph everybody. It's hard for me to compete. But when I was a kid, I'll tell you, whenever I was making a monster, I'd be like, I'm

going to throw everything onto this. So every monster had wings, multiple arms, claws, multiple heads, horns, could breathe fire, shoot lightning bolts. Sometimes multiple tails, I went through a Guidra phase. He's got two tails. So I don't know what I would do now, but at the time when I was a kid it would be like Ultra Monster. And then now I'm like, how would that monster move? I would go out and go out here. I can't believe you didn't say Godzilla. What the best monster design? Yeah. Have you seen? He changed kind of

like my cat muscles. Who as we've established is the greatest kid. He's kind of like a triangle, but with stegosaurus spikes. That's amazing. I think that's what the best monster is a triangle. Yeah. The most stable monster is a triangle. You know what? I am very irration irrational frightened of spiders.

Erasional because like- Actually, it's very true from a lot of other people. But- You don't hear that a lot. I'm just saying, like it's like- I know it's not uncommon, it's just like it is true of me. And particularly living in North America, like the worst I'm going to get is a black widow bite and unless I'm a Baby or an elderly person. I probably won't die of that. Yeah. I mean you missed your shot as a baby

But still have been as an elderly person. I sell the fingers trust What I find like in a weird way what I find even creepier than spiders So why don't you bring up No, it's all it's all related, my friend. Okay, it's all related. Let him weave his tapestry like a racney herself. Not a spider, but I believe also in a racmid, I believe, I'm making her own. Again, he's attached these ideas

with the thinnest of thread like a spiderwood. The daddy long legs freaks me the fuck out because it is a little ball with the longest spindleous legs that should not be able to do anything and it's the weirdest goddamn thing. Oh, I think that- So if there was a giant fucking dad along legs, I would kill myself. And I think the daddy part is the scariest part of that.

That's the sexy part. That's the sexy part. Oh. I will say, I did once, I was having, I was on my way to Dreamland a couple of weeks ago. I was lying down and I was like, I'm like, whoa, whoa, let's back up. So you're saying you were going to sleep.

Yeah, I was going to sleep. Yeah, let's go sleep. I'm very colorful. I'm playing that. Dan, I like to vibrant up my language. It's OK. Sorry, I'll talk more like the writer John McFee, the most boring terms possible. Sonia was lying down on top of what I

assumed was a layer of Agnius Rock beneath my house. And I was like, I don't know why this thought into my house, like, they've done a vampire movie where the vampire turns into a big human-sized bat, and it has to scramble around on its arms, on the claws of its wings, like a real bat walks around. Yeah. Because that'd be super creepy.

Yeah. And there's like a person running away, and it's just like scrambling after them with its wings like that. There was a miniature design by GamesHorkshop called a Vargolf that was basically there. OK. It's still a little bit.

I got on a plausible break for that somehow. Thank you. OK, over here. Hello, my name is Andy. Last name with hell to no relation. And I have been waiting to use that joke for months now. It landed very well. It did a great.

So for me, the most exciting movie of 2019, and probably the most exciting movie in this decade, was a detective Pikachu. Sure. Sure. Finally, the character and the genre that were mentioned would go together. Yeah, of course.

Look, unless they make like a Metroid version of dirty Harry, I'm not. Yeah, no. So the big thing for me with Detective Pikachu that really made it stand out was its world building and its ability to create a world and a city that... Where Pikachu could be an detective. Where Pikachu could be a detective. There's nothing in the rule book that says the Pikachu can't be a detective.

And I could be a friend of a fralligator, which is Pokemon, it's a big gator. One might call it Pharaoh. I'm sure my son will tell me about it at some point. He's going through a big Pokemon phase. But it really created a world that felt like it existed outside of the movie. And so I suppose my question is, what are the movies

that have kind of created a world to you that has kind of existed in your mind outside of the story it was trying to tell. Well, the first place you start with world building is the food. What does Pokemon eat? I'm just going to interrupt. Lemon cakes? It's Pokemon. What kind of size fell would they eat?

Capons, perhaps. I mean, I could, I mean, kind of that, for me, it's a lot of the obvious ones, like your star wars, and whatnot, like where I was like, oh, I could live in this world and I could explore it and things like that. But also like the dark crystal when I was a kid. I was in certain parts of that movie where I'm like, I kind of want to leave the story.

So I can just go see what other creatures live in this place because I know they're out there. And I assume there's some book of designs of stuff that didn't end up in that movie. But I used to just like dream about that movie a lot and like walking around in it. Yeah, I mean, I think that's one of the joys of like those heavy like physical practical monster costume

movies is that it gives you that like lived in feeling that makes you want to just walk around and explore. To answer that Lord of the Rings. Yeah. I'm not. I'm gonna go in like a non like fantasy direct like another like aspect of war. You're like you're like the moon. My dinner of Andre.

The movie. I want to go I want to know what's happening. I want to go to the other side. I'm not the rest of us. When I saw the movie The Post and it created this whole world of presidents and war and foreign nations. And I just want to walk around. If only I could go to Vietnam and see what it's like there.

But such if only I had a magic movie ticket, I'll last action hero. No, I was going to say, obviously they're the very clear world building movies like your Star Wars or your Lord of the Rings or whatever. Well, last action here in Lake LA, I said. Sure, yeah. But also, another aspect of that is characters that are so immediately well drawn that you feel like, okay, they have a life outside of the frame.

And I know that I mentioned Raising Air Zone earlier, but I feel like co-op brothers and movies, all these very, in some ways, broad, but so well-defined, quickly minor characters, where it feels like, okay, we could follow this person and see what's going on with them, and that would be also an equally entertaining movie. Oh, yeah, kind of like a like heller high water

from a few years ago, or it felt like every single side character had a full life outside of it. Yeah. So that's what I'll say. How are I water? OK. Texas. What a world.

Don't mess with it. Says people. OK, over here. Hi, Margaret Lesney withheld. So I was listening to Jordan Jesse Gov this week, and Jordan came up with basically a perfect flop-out question, so I'm gonna just channel him. He was talking about who would be the female Nicholas Cage,

and his proposal was Hellboy star Mela Jova Bitch, which he did pronounce that way. And so I- Just like you. Thank you. You saw my eye twitch. I love Jordan, so I just like you. So I'm at I-twitch. I love Jordan, but I do not agree. I don't think Milo Jova Vitch has the chop,

so I became very curious about what you guys would think. What would the female Nicholas Cage be? I mean, obviously. I mean, the question is, yeah, by Nicholas Cage, what would you say to Roy? Because I have some... I like to define our terms here. Clearly, we want to pick an actor who can go kind of broad, but also have little nuances.

I think the only choice is Meryl. Stuart. Stuart. Stuart. Stuart. Meryl's treat. Stuart. The one that jumps to mind for me, but I wonder if she is... Yeah, Stuart. Stuart. Meryl Streep.

Stuart. The one that jumps to mind for me, but I wonder if she is eccentric enough? It's like Melissa Leo, you know? Where it's like, oh, she can do crazy, but also very well-defined characters and things like that. But you're asking who's a crazy person in movies? You're asking who's a person where half the time you're like, what are you doing?

What's going on here? Yeah, to that end, Carol Kane. Oh, okay, yeah, I can see that. Because you see a movie like Hester Street and you're like, this is an incredibly like richly drawn character and then you see what like Adam's family values or something, I don't know, you know. Yeah. She's a nut.

And a national treasure. I'm't know. She's a nut. And a national treasure. I'm going to be serious. You know who I would or, I mean, this is not quite the same, but like, OK, Tom from the talk about old movies. There's an actress who, from 80 years ago, named Zazu Pits. And she was most known for these short comedies that she did, but she's also in the movie, Greed, and she is like amazing in it.

And in this movie that is a strange and crazy movie, and her performance is very extreme and strange, but it's like this really gut-wrenching performance. But in most of her movies, she's the character who's like, like Amelia Patelia, basically. So, you know, okay, to wash the baby, I guess, and puts the baby in a dishwasher or something like that. You know.

We've gone as long as we probably should. Should we lighten it around it? Should we? Yeah, let's lighten it around it. Yeah. Let's be a lot faster. So my name is Doug, last name was held. My son and I have always gone to a lot of movies

since it became a teenager. We started enjoying seeing a lot of bad movies in theaters, so rock dogs and hell boys and whatnot. A few weeks ago, a few months ago, he called me and said, Dad, should I see the movies of Neil Brain? So much. Every parent hates to get that phone call. Well, the question is, am I a good dad?

This is a very tough question. I wish we didn't have to do it in the lightning round. I'm gonna say yes, and I'm still from the Simpsons. Short answer yes with a butt. Long answer, no with an hand. I don't know being a bit of a bit of that. Hi, my class name withheld. We are on our second adaptation of Hellboy. We're on our third second Spider-Man movie right now. We're doing a lot of adaptations that's been part of cinema.

What do you feel makes a good adaptation, whether it's a book, theater, video game, what have you? Two movies. This is not funny per se, but I think that the person... Why start now, Dan? Boom, he said set up, I'm not gonna get out of the bar. I make by living with comedy, sir. And I'm baffled by it daily. No, I was like gonna say. Something that wasn't funny. He said it himself.

I think that it is either the, one of the driving creative forces, either the screenwriter or the director, finding some sort of like, personally, what they personally find interesting in the character or the story, and like, emphasizing that to be out most, whether or not it is faithful to the entire

story or character but like like pulling out something that is essential and making that the center of the adaptation. That's what I was going to say. You find the defining spirit of why it works as the as the thing it is and then you figure out how does that how do you do that in this new medium and you don't worry about like, there's a reason that like the credit sequence for watchmen works really well and the rest of watchmen does not work quite as well. And so the credit sequence, it's like,

oh, well, they kind of captured the spirit of what they're going for and the rest of the movie are like, wait, but we're gonna watch the whole movie now. Like, they did it, hallelujah. Yeah. Um, I would say, the thing that the adaptation that comes to mind is the third Harry Potter movie where it is not maybe not as true to the books as the first two, but it is so much more interesting and watchable.

Thank you. Let's be lightning round it. We're not holding it up on our ends, but you know. Okay, fair enough. My name is Nick, class name withheld. And for the while I guess I'm not tricking. There was already another Nick. So this movie, forgive me, very nervous.

You know, Hellboy is asking Ian McShane, you know, he was sent there to Nazi Germany to kill him. Why did you say me? Why didn't you kill me? You had a job to do. Why didn't you kill me? And I feel like in Mcsheen never really answered that question? No, I don't think he does. No, he just sort of deflected by saying, why are you whining? You know, I didn't ask to be a father. I did the best I could, but why do you guys think he saved them? I mean... I'm gonna say because he was a cute baby with a stone arm.

Yeah, is he though? It's hard to shoot a little baby. I mean, I think so. People always say like, well, could you kill Hitler as a baby? Because it's killing a baby. And it's like, I mean, probably, yeah. Because as long as I knew it was the right baby, but the reason that question exists is because it's hard to kill a baby.

So I mean, you're probably able to. You're not the strongest guy, but I mean you're smart. I mean, if we're talking physically, it is a question. The baby might get the better of me. As someone who daily has to grapple with a baby just to get its diaper back on. But I'm sorry about that. I just keep taking off. But I think that's it. It's hard to kill a baby.

Wait, no. All right, we will hit this quickly. Elliot, you touched on this before with John Oliver and the love guru and how you've been paid to go out to dinner with him because of the royal family. Well, he paid for that dinner and so I'm now complicit in the movie that gave him the money to pay for it. So you touched on this earlier. One of my friends actually helped design the trolls in that fighting scene. He refuses to watch the movie because, yes, I get it.

Do you have any friends or experiences where you've worked on a movie and it's terrible and you refuse to be a part of it. Go for it. I have been lucky that I have yet to work on a project of any kind where I'm like ashamed of it, or I think it was really bad, but there are two sides of me. There's the side of me that's a viewer that's like, check out this shit, how can they make this? They should all kill themselves. And there's the side of me that's a professional that's like, work is work. You got to work. You need money to live your life.

You need money to support your family. Any work is good work as long as you're not hurting anybody with it. As long as the thing you're not working on is not morally repugnant. So like, I can't look down on anyone who worked on the movie because work is work. You've got to work and it's hard to find work in a creative business. It's a very like elder British actor, mentality. Yeah. All the time they're like, how?

Like, uh, w- yeah, you want me to be a wind elemental? Fuck it. Yeah. Yeah, and I- I'm not Hollywood-Kalen. I have only worked on the one television show, which I've been happy with through. What? You know, sound too too heavy I never do um but uh my friend Matt who also works in the daily show every semester we've got intern to come in and do

great work for us I think they're paid now they weren't for a while but part of what helps them out is we each of the departments gives them advice at the end of the semester and Matt makes a point of, he takes great joy I think in saying like, oh one of my previous jobs was blogger for Tosh.0. So we all do stuff we're not proud of. Yeah it's like you, if a friend of mine was like should I take this job? It's on a movie that really it's I know it's gonna be bad. I'll be like do you need the job go for it? You know there's nothing wrong with that. Yeah, you don't have to watch it. There's no rule that says you have to I check the rule book

Hello Nick last name and withheld first time long time a lot of Yeah, a lot of Nick. Next week, yeah. A lot of nick. Nick Heavy City. Probably for Elliott more than anybody. I know there was Spider-Man turn off the dark, and we watched a comic book movie for a part tonight. Any comic book characters that you think should have

musical adapted from them. Probably a booster gold. I mean, a booster gold musical could work. I know that a madman creator, Mike Alred, is a real rock and roll guy. I'd love to see a madman musical. But I don't know, otherwise it's like the musical, it's weird.

Comic books are about, a lot of them, not all of them, super hero comic books about characters with big, big tights and colorful things, then like, it should translate well to the big world of the musical. But the most successful musical based on a comic is fun home, and so like, I don't know, maybe comics don't work that well as musicals unless they're about a real thing that you can actually sing about.

I think you should be about everyone's favorite character, Speedball, the Mask Marvel. Speedball is a good character Speedball is a good character. That is a controversial idea. I thought you were going to say funky wicker bean. Hey, this is Nathan Laps' name withheld. And I think I'm burdened with asking the question that we're all thinking just a practical question about the movie at the beginning.

Why didn't King Arthur just burn? Mia Joeovich this came when we were watching it, I think yeah, well we're watching it It was like why need just burn those parts and what do you think guys? I don't know how which is work I don't know what's going through King Arthur's head didn't didn't have any matches man like I Didn't have any matches. I mean, like I... I mean, he has a wizard. I bought a smoker recently, and I didn't have any matches, so... Something, here's something that happens a lot on Twitter,

and they go, what a plot hole. They should have just done this, and it would have taken under the problem. And it's like, if you study history, as I have as an amateur, you see so many times in history, where you're like, well, why don't you just do this thing, and it would have solved that problem?

It turns out people are dumb. And they're kind of short-sighted, and they don't always think of the right thing in the moment, you know? Yeah, like a home invasion movie where people are like, plot hole, why didn't the attackers just blow up the house? It's like, when there wouldn't be a home to invade, I guess. Let's move over here.

I'm very flustered. Ian, last name withheld. We saw a French movie and Zobbing movie a while back in The Theaters at a Film Festival. And at the end of the movie, Post Credits, after everyone once had left the theater, there is very inexplicably a parent. And since then, we've always referred to surprise endings at the end of movies as parents. I was wondering if you have any language

that you picked up from movies that are unrelated to the movie itself, that you've carried the terminology into, like if there's a moment that's stuck with you from a movie that you've incorporated as like an in-joke and conversation later. Does that mean? Yeah, yeah. I feel like that's the majority of the discourse

of this podcast. Yeah, I mean Stuart Stewart coined the phrase evidence dungeon, which is a very useful term. It's on TV tropes now, I guess. Another one of my favorites was from the movie Jonah Hex, where they introduce a character very briefly in a wrestling ring called the Snake Man. And so, Snake Man is just an all purpose.

Any character who gets almost nothing doing the movie but is far more interesting than the movie. Yeah, I think I might start using tallest building in Pittsburgh. As a way to describe promises a movie makes that does not fulfill. There's all, I will say, sorry to cut you off Dan, I always want to mention my favorite parrot ending in a movie, which is Citizen Kane, when a cockatoo just screams at the audience

and Peter Bogdanovich asked, why did you do that? Of course, some of us said, late in the movie, wake the people up, movie is almost over. And he has a transparent eyeball. Yeah, because it was a visual effect. They were optical processing and then you can see the eyeball. There's also a movie there where at some one point you can see in the background animated teradactyl birds. Yeah, it's good news. Because they were reusing animation.

Citizen Kate trivia. Anyway. Slightly pointed, but generally to all of you, I believe Dan, you recently called yourself the average bodybuilder. So when you were here, we had a slight Twitter invitation through Stuart to come and work out, and so I was wondering if any of the three of you were actually available to come work out tomorrow morning. To work out? Yeah. With me and my gym, which is where the invitation to. I should start again. Was. So. Which gym is that? Loose Campion is. Loose Campion is. Okay. Anybody know it? Anybody? That's a little bit of pressure since we came. A little bit more, peer pressure, anybody know it. I'm in.

Anybody know of it? Come on, help me out. Help me out. No, help me out. No, help me out. Buzz marketing for the gym, man. No, I was just generally peer pressure. That's how I live my life.

I would take you up on that offer. But the year I decided I would say yes to everything and did yesterday. Oh, I'm so sorry. If you would ask me yesterday, I would have to say yes. Oh, come on. Maybe, come on, guys. It's, this is not the place for me

to make any kinds of commitments. Can I wait at the merch? Can I wait at merch? Yeah, that's more of the merch. Yeah, it works on more merch. We'll make up reasons why we can't do it at merch. Quick, quick, quick, everyone. OK, we got two more questions.

Let's go through them real fast, which means I'm going to talk for a while. Let's go. Chris, what's the name of the help? So what would best serve a hell of a movie, like in terms of story equity, a mix-mash of stuff, like say like Wicked a Devil, Chain Coff, and Hell-Blade, in Mexico, or just be like one story arc? I think one of the big flaws with this movie is they tried to cram in all these different story arcs.

So like, you just pick one story arc or an original story, but like we're saying you just got to capture that, what's the spirit that makes the book exciting? And then what makes the book exciting is not like, you know, motley crew songs, blaring while you're reading this comic book or something, I mean, unless, I don't know, maybe you love the crew, but I don't know. The comics have always struck me as these kind of like

tragic, gothic horror stories, where Hellboy is just in a way, almost like a spectator as he is an active participant. So like the idea of jamming in a whole bunch of stories and throwing a crazy soundtrack doesn't make any sense to me. I mean, Hellboy is in a lot of ways a passive character, which doesn't make for movies in some ways.

Like he often enters the situation, and like sorts as he witnesses things going on, and then he has a fist fight with a monster, and then that's the end of the story. And it kind of reaches its apotheosis in the Hellboy and Hell series, where he is, a lot of it is just him hearing stories of that people in Hell are telling, and then at the end he defeats Satan kind of reaches its apotheosis in the Hellboy and Hell series where he is a lot of it is just him hearing stories of that people in hell are telling and then at the end he defeats Satan kind of on the last page So yeah, I don't know it's the spirit. They got to capture the spirit, you know not the movie the spirit that which which itself failed to capture the spirit of the spirit

One last question One last question. Hey, so I'm new to the Flop House, but I love MST3K. Thank you. And for Elliot, I just want to ask, how has consistently washing terrible movies affected your health? Are you okay? I mean, not great. I'll tell you that.

Elliot's only 20 years old. I would say the effected it. The effected it. It's like, I don't know about it. Well, there's a thing that happens when you watch too many bad movies, which is you kind of forget what a good movie is like. And you start to yearn for the pain of a bad movie and think that's what pleasure is. And you have to really detox by watching good movies.

And so I would find myself having to watch a Flapphouse movie at the end of a day of watching Atlantic Rim 10 minutes at a time, every 10 minutes over and over again, to write jokes for it. And then I'd come home and be like, I don't have time to watch something that I'm going to enjoy. And then that weekend, I'd be like, I've got to watch one of the 30 movies

I recorded off-turner classic movies. And then I'd watch it, and it's like, you feel a shock for a moment because you're waiting for the parts that you're gonna laugh at because it's so bad. And then you have to like, realize at a certain point like, oh no, I have to enjoy this on a sincere level.

And that's when you know you've gone too far. But I would say my physical health is affected far more by having two children than it is by watching the bad movies. Oh, and as the son of Doug last name, I'm sorry I'm new, I forgot what the thing is. That's right. It's a dumb thing anyway. And I forgot to say my name too, I'm Wiley.

As the son of Doug. I hope your name is Wiley son of Doug. Wiley Dougson, Wiley son of Doug. I hope your name is Wiley son of Doug. Wiley Doug son, Wiley son of dog. We can tell. Oh, the legends for toll. He misrepresented me slightly. It was not should I watch the movies of Neil Breene. It was I love Neil Breene. Please buy me all of his. I can't support buying his movies. I mean the thing is can't support buying his movies. I mean, the thing is, he's an horrible, horrible man.

But he's a bad man, but his movies are a certain kind of wonderful. Some kind of wonderful, you would say. Sometimes, yeah, yes. Here's, if my son said to me, he called me for, I don't know, college or something. And he's like, dad, she's like, why is Sam in college?

Because he isn't like, do he has a six year old? He loves, he's good for college. This isn't the future, what he's six. If he called me and he said, daddy, should I watch the Neil Brain movies, I would say not until I get there. And I would get in my car and drive there right away. OK, well that's kind of an adorable note, and we have gone

way too long because we are soft-hearted and want to talk to all of you. And we can talk to all of you a little bit more at, we're going to have a merch table out there. We promise that we will be there at the merch table as soon as we can clean up and like pee and whatever. As he waves at the one laptop on the phone at the stage, as soon as we can deal with all this. Yeah, I get the digital recorder from the sound, yeah. So there's a couple of things like we're going to be at the birch table and then probably afterwards some percentage of the flop house will be at the bar next door from 33% to 100

percent depending on how tired people are. Who knows we may get scared into working out tomorrow. Yeah so some of us might be there. It's the one that's not a Mexican restaurant. Otherwise, thank you so much. The one that's not going to be there is the one that's not a Mexican restaurant. Yeah. Which one of us is a Mexican restaurant?

We'll figure that out backstage. Thank you so much. Minneapolis, that's the name of the city we're in. Thank you for coming. Thank you for listening. Thank you to the parkway for having us. Everyone here has been great. I've been Dan McCoy. I've been Stuart Wellington. I'm Elliot Kalen. Good night everyone. Good night. Thank you. Yeah! Music Maximumfund.org Comedy and culture Artists owned

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