The Flop House - Ep. #343 - North, with Matt Singer

Episode Date: May 22, 2021

Editor of ScreenCrush, Matt Singer stops by The Flop House, and weirdly, he didn't want to talk about Gymkata. Instead, he forced us to experience North, the movie that Roger Ebert hated SO much that he named his book of bad movies after his review.Wikipedia entry for NorthMovies recommended in this episode:Out of the PastJakob's WifeThe CreamatorMultiple Maniacs

On this episode we discuss North. A comedy that's got its fair share of offensive racial stereotypes, but hey it was made all the way back in. What the fuck? 1994? Yeah. Hey everyone, welcome to the flop house, I'm Dan McCoy. Hey, it's me, Stuart Wellington. Hey, it's Elliot Kaelin, and in case you hear the bitter pattern of little sounds, because we're getting a very rare rainstorm here in Los Angeles. That's right. I should be out there running around in it like Tim Robbins when he breaks out of prison in the Shushank

production, because we're not going to get rain again until 2025. But who's with us today? I was so excited that they were a guest that I wasn't out in the rain, Stuart, who's joining us. Oh man, he's the, the what editor-in-chief of screen crush He's a long time friend of the pod. I love this guy. We played hero clicks together That is none other than the man who wrote the book unspiter and that's's right. Matt Singer. Thank you for joining us. Matt, did I fuck it all up? Oh, absolutely. You really did, but you did mention the hero click. So that's it.

That's good. I think I won when we played too. Hell yeah. You fucking destroyed me. I think I destroyed you. I mean, Matt Singer is best known to the public as the guy who beat you in a hero clicks. Yeah.

Well, it's on my resume, just below screen crash. Well, during the pandemic, this will count for the one time I get to see Matt singer per year because we didn't get to do his karaoke birthday, which is true. Oh, that was yeah, right man has these great to do karaoke on my birthday Yeah, Elliott hasn't come but both Stewart and Dan have sang karaoke never been invited I think never received an invitation. I've certainly heard a lot about it. I may have talked about this story on the podcast before, but it was at one of your birthday parties

where Dan came to the party and he brought some friends, one of whom was a friend of the podcast, Natalie Walker, who did not sing for most of the time, even though she's a talented musical theater person. A professional singer. And then Dan gets up there and does a duet with her of suddenly Seymour and Dan does the first verse and he's great like he is killing his Seymour, we're all loving it. Then Natalie sings and she doesn't need the fucking microphone and like

the look on Dan's face was like oh oh like that. Out outclassed. But it was like we all fell over laughing. It was amazing. Yeah, then no one wanted to sing after that. No one else was just very quiet. I know. That do it with you though, Matt, because you're, you know, you get up there, you sing a lot of Shirley Bassy hits and you kill it. Yes.

Sure. He's a, yeah. Did you get offered the role of Seymour just like randomly off of karaoke? Yes, that did happen Yes, someone came up to us and was like yeah, they were yeah, we were at a that was a different time We were at like a bar just singing it a bar. Yeah, we do not in a private room We're doing it excelsior and I think you're saying thunder ball. Stan Lee's bar. Yeah Exactly

Yeah, he wasn't there that night, but yeah I think you're saying Thunderball? Oh, Stan Lee's bar. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah, he wasn't there that night. But yeah, that's right. I sang Thunderball or some ridiculous thing. And yeah, someone came up to me afterwards and was like, you'd be perfect. And it was like, that's like the fantasy, right? That you get up like everybody gets up to do.

Carioca is like, hey, you're a star kid. I love the idea of that. I'm saying you're a big time to him by being like, no thanks. No thanks. I would love the idea of Dan getting up and seeing Suddenly Seymour and then a guy walking up to Matt Sanger and going, you're perfect for Seymour. Yeah, I mean, I looked over at Matt when he got the offer and as I stared off into the middle distance and I'm sure he lived an entire lifetime in those moments, think about what

would have happened. Yeah. Yeah. We were sliding doors scenario. Matt and I had- Yes, much like a certain North movie. At the end of this hotel, I'll wake up back in that bar having decided not to have taken the offer.

Yeah, no thanks. Exactly. Matt Knight, we, for viewers of James Cameron's story of science fiction, documentary series from a couple years ago, Matt and I were both talking heads on that. They used a lot more of him than of me. They talked to me for a long time and used very little of it. But I was fast forwarding through it,

just wanted to watch my parts the first time through. And I kept being, oh, there I am, and I would stop and would be Matt talking. And he would talk for a while, and I'd be like, dammit. What is, why is Singer taking up on my space? OK, well, let's reset the podcast. I mean, first off, let's just. Okay, sorry, welcome to the Flop House.

I'm elite Kaelin. Did we not do it well enough Dan? I'm sure I do know why you're interrupting me, but. You said reset it. Let's start over. Okay, take two. Reset in the sense that in the broadcasting sense of explaining for new viewers or listeners in our case what the what the hell we're doing,

which is this is the flop house. It's a podcast about bad movies. We watch bad movie and then we talk about it. Also, before we get into it, just a quick thank you, Max Fund Drive 2021, just ended, considering the state of the world, it is a rousing success. It was a rousing success and we appreciate so much that people still care about what we do when all seems so bleak around us that people fight in their hearts to support a little nonsense and support our lives really in a lot of ways. So thank you to all the listeners. And thank you to listeners who maybe are not in the position

to be max fund members at this time, due to financial hardship or other reasons. We appreciate all of you. Thank you so much. But now we watch the movie called North. Uh huh. Why do we watch this? Why do we watch the movie called North why why do we watch this why do we watch North this so this is at the request of one mr. Matt singer of uh... us a

America Matt what is it about north that uh... you wanted us to watch about it what well i hate you guys, and I just thought this would be the best way to punish you all. I think I gave, I gave, yeah, exactly. I think I gave a few options, and I believe that this was the one that you joked on. This was out of those options. This was Dan was very clear that he did not want to watch the other options. So North was the, I can't even remember what were the other options. Well, there, what was the state puff Marshmallow man

We're like I'm not fighting that guy again. Yeah I Know that movie 43 was in there. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I think I think I really painful movie I think I didn't want to do that one just because I have actually seen it before so that would have been a Painful repeat although I think some I think one of you I met you've seen North have have one of you already I also North went in the theaters when I was a kid. Oh, dear. I had not seen it since then. So I remember seeing it I remember thinking that was okay. Again, I was 12 years old at the time and my tastes had not yet co-heared, you know at that point

I still think the only movie I had ever had a really viscerally negative experience with in the theaters at that point was still a National Impune's Christmas vacation the first time that I actively disliked watching a movie and I was like What am I doing wrong? I'm not liking this movie. I don't understand. Well, how I know what also features Julie Louise Drive-ass Mm-hmm. She's a real rough period when I I mean, like other than Seinfeld, I feel like. And then later on, like people were like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, right, she's great. But there were some trouble years in there. Okay. Well, should we do a moment of silence, sir?

Yeah, sure. Why not? I mean, we did. I mean, we did. It's called dead air, Stuart. Well, part of the reason we watched this is, I mean, you guys can fill it in a little bit more than me, but it's like famously a movie that Roger Ebert hated, right?

Yes. That is true, yes. Yeah, I mean, it's just like, I was just trying to think of, I looked down the list of movies that you guys have done and haven't done, and just trying to think of absolutely dreadful movies that haven't come up. And this was one of them. And yes, it is famously terrible. I had never seen it, even though I knew of it because it was the subject of that very

famous Roderie Review where he was like, I hated this movie. I hated, hated, hated this movie. And then when he wrote a collection of, or he made a collection of his reviews of bad movies, like that was the title of the book was, I hated, hated, hated this movie. Yeah, I just mileage out of it. I just want to read the paragraph. And he profited more of a North than anybody else.

Rod, he probably just championed this one, yeah. Because I have it, I'll read the paragraph in question from that review. Now he wrote most of what you would call a normal review, and then maybe the third-chalast paragraph suddenly becomes, I hated this movie. Hated, hated, hated, hated, hated this movie. Hated it. Hated every simple stupid vacant audience and insulting moment of it.

Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like it. Hated the implied insult to the audience by its belief that anyone would be entertained of it. Hated the sensibility that thought anyone would like it. Hated the implied insult to the audience by its belief that anyone would be entertained by it. And I believe, I may be making up a memory. I believe I read him talk about that review and that it was basically like, he reached a certain point in the review where he just kind of broke down.

He's like, I'm just gonna write what I really feel here and then just decided, you know what? I'm not taking it out, I'm just gonna write what I really feel here and then just decided, you know what? I'm not taking it out. I'm just gonna go with this. And he won the Pulitzer for that review, but it wasn't in criticism. It was in the field of ruining Rob Reiner's career for a little bit. Oh, no, no. Right after this, so Rob Reiner, I'm sure we'll talk more about it. He had like a golden career for a long time. Then he had this, but right after he had the American president. So this wasn't the last nail like the American president.

No, I mean the American president, the story of the American president. Classic old movies. Yeah. That American president is the true end to his like movies that people might conceivably stick up for. Because then they had like the weird like graduate sequel and they had like just like a couple things that yeah barely exists and then like if you look at his past six or seven movies I defy you to have any like memory of these things existing. So he had an incredible career like a directing career in Till North like his first like five or six movies are all like absolute like it's what like it's like great classic back to battle. There's no skips amazing misery a few good men when I'm not a man Sally the princess bride stand by me

they're not in that order but like they're those are all it's just like one after another like hit hit hit hit and like these classic movies and then North. He truly was the Peter Bogdanovitch of the late 80s, early 90s, when it comes down to it. Aside from all the other stuff about them, but having a string of hits and then making, and then after that making movies that people didn't like as much, they're the same guy.

Yeah, right. It was, you know, it was also when he stopped working with Polyplat that everything fell apart, it's weird. It's, yeah, that was part of it. And also, Rob Reiner famously also had a contentious friendship with Orson Wells. And also his last name is Bogdanovich.

I'm not sure, Kurt Chiffs. Yeah, they both wear a lot of Ask Got Some Kurt Chiffs. How have we not seen the similarities before? Yeah, only one of them talked so long before a screening of targets that I went to that they had to cancel the second screening because Because they ran up time. Oh, that was such a funny moment seeing him Seeing the handler at the film form get matter and matter at standing at the side of the stage as as people are damaged refused to stop taking questions And the movie started I think 45 minutes late anyway, so

But so. So I'm going to be driving this one. I just kind of want to peel back the curtain a little bit. I've, you know, the last week has been kind of tough for me. I had some staff issues at the bar and then I, I've been plagued with a resurgence of fairly extreme back pain. So I was just really looking to lose myself in a movie, you know? And unfortunately we watched North. Yeah.

It did not. You're saying it didn't replicate the pleasure you had from the country bears. No. And the thing is, I was up until the point that I decided to watch North. I had been doing a series run of the Saw movies and I the whole time I was like, man, what I wouldn't give to go back to Jigsaw's loving embrace. But he, please, okay. Well, I want to say one thing about North, but as we go into it, I think the thing about North to remember is it doesn't start out that bad, but it is a movie that, and it has some good jokes in it, but it is a movie that loses its way hard,

and then it falls in a hole and does not get know how to get out of the hole. And the more it tries to climb out of the hole, the more it's pulling bags of manure onto itself. Like it's just, it really gets into trouble. Okay, so I'm excited to see where that tilt happens. So the movie opens with a long credit sequence in a fun kids room filled with like model trains and toys

and all kinds of shit that represents like different parts of the world. And you're like, man, this kid has a great life. Like this kid has a very busy bedroom. Like he lives in Mr. McGorium's Emporium basically. Uh-huh, yep, if we could all be so lucky. We learned that room, I believe, belongs to North, who is played by Elijah Wood, the original son of Northern darkness. And he is the child of

George and Elaine. That's right. Jason Alexander and Julia Louise. But not the characters from Seinfeld, it's just the performance. No. At first first when I saw them, I was very excited because I have trouble separating actors from their characters that they play, but whatever. And he's trying to get a word in his parents, their lives are too busy, they don't have time for their little Northy, and he has kind of a panic attack or something, right? He has a heart attack.

Yeah, he has like a little kid heart attack. At the dinner table. Yeah. And this is, this is the first point at the, in the movie where I begin to lose sympathy with our protagonist and it will only continue as the movie goes on because I can see, I look, this movie is for kids.

Let's make this clear up top and I could see where as a kid this might resonate with you. Because like North's biggest problem seems to be like he just doesn't think he's appreciated by his parents. And like otherwise perfect life, but doesn't feel like his parents appreciate him. And yeah, they're like having two separate conversations at one another at the dinner table and not talking to him. But I also like as an adult and not a child,

throughout the movie, I'm just like, this kid's a little shit. Like, I'm like, this kid thinks he like deserves so much out of life. I mean, he's a very full of himself. I think I might as well have called this book of Henry first run through. Like, this is this, he's like the kid who's graded everything

and he kind of expects to be adored by everybody. And he's just like Henry in that piece of garbage where Henry is like an angel sent from heaven to make everybody, to touch everybody's lives and make them beautiful. And North is kind of like that. And North doesn't he come up with an instrument to plan to kill a guy though or something?

Well, North doesn't. Henry does. Henry does. Yeah. Well, North does Henry does. Henry does. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Henry does. And then there's book of Eli. Eli's a pretty good kid. But North is, I haven't seen that one. I don't know who he likes. I think Eli's did so Washington.

That I mean, is there a better kid? He's like a that's true. What he proud of does Washington as his son. True. Yeah. So, uh, but yeah, North is he's like, he's the kid who should be like It's true. Who wouldn't be proud if there's a Washington as his son? It's true. Yeah. So, uh, but yeah, North is, he's like, he's the kid who should be like the kid everyone hates in a movie.

Like, he's good at everything and other parents use his men as an example to shame their own children, you know. He definitely is cruising for a wedgie at some points in this movie for sure. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, and we learn a little bit about his background because this is around when our narration begins and it's read kind of like lazy book on tape narration style by Bruce Willis like yeah, I feel like Bruce Willis went to see Blade Runner and was like Mmm, I can be sleepier in my voice over. I see you Harrison Ford and I raise you to Z's

This is all the work in Founty founding because when Bruce Willis appears on screen as various characters, like, uh-huh, he's fine. Like he's fine, yeah. We get a panoplay of different accents and performances. Like every shade in the Bruce Willis rainbow. Well, the movie's not good, so there's a ceiling to how good Bruce Willis can be in it.

But the difference between the energy he puts into when he's on screen and his voiceover is stark. Like it sounds like he was like flying home on an international flight that called him in the airport and he's like, yeah, I can tape it fine. But- Here's my theory, here's my theory. Okay. They had Bruce Willis, they shot all the scenes.

They said, this is great, but you know what? We really need a voiceover to tie this all together. Let's get Bruce to do it. Bruce is so charismatic, he's a wise-ass, you know, he's Bruno. He's back. And so they call him up, unfortunately, modern-day bald, sad Bruce Willis. He's gone through a time window, back then Bruce Willis is house. He gets the call. He says, yeah, I'll come down to the studio. And he's like, what's the action movie for the Hungarian market? I'll do it. It's an I where an exosuit, but in CGI, so I never have to actually put it on.

So it's that, and so they got him to do it. Because it was while watching this movie that it really struck me, I was like, oh, I've gotten so used to emotionless Bruce Willis that seeing like, why is Acre Bruce, like moon lighting style Bruce Willis is a shock to me. It's strange to me to see him, you know, how to see Hudson Hawks suddenly appearing when I expect unbreakable, you know.

So North is having a rough time. He like is fucking up and acting in baseball. Things that he normally excels at. And it's all because of the about not be and not I guess being appreciated enough by his parents. So he wanders off of the baseball pitch that he's playing on. And he goes to his special place, which is a mall furniture showroom. And he sits down in a recliner. And he starts to like ponder, I guess this is a special place, and he's pondering his situation.

And that's of course where he runs into Bruce Willis dressed up as the Easter Bunny. Of course. This is Bruce Willis number one, because this movie is trying so hard to be the HUD sucker proxy, is what I realized, like halfway through it. It wants to be like a real goofy whimsical, like eccentric movie, and it is not, it doesn't

know how to pull it off. With racial stereotypes from old Hollywood. Yeah, I mean, there's some of that in that sucker proxy too, not as much, but like, the minute Bruce Willis shows up, up till now it's been a little cartoony, and then Bruce Willis shows up in an Easter Bunny costume. And note in North never asked the big question, which is what mall hires an Easter Bunny to hang around?

That's not a holiday people do that for, but. I imagine like a mall Easter Bunny, and like the kids come and sit on his lap and he's like, you're getting eggs. Everyone's getting eggs. So ask for anything else. And I love that this Easter Bunny character, he's like so into character that he is eating a carrot

wall off shift, like it seems like he's on break, right? Yeah. Yeah. Offers, he offers one to to North. But we've already like, by this point, there's like, it's already starting to like drop these, I just absolutely terrible like jokes, like there's supposed to be jokes, but they're just, I just absolutely terrible jokes. Like they're supposed to be jokes,

but they're just the hackiest, terrible jokes. Like when you were saying, okay, North, he's being neglected by his parents, so he's screwing things up. And like, he, but previously we've seen him do Fiddler on the roof really well. And I guess that's kind of cute, okay, whatever. And then like, what play could he mess up?

And it's like hamlet, and he's like, to be or not a line, just like the worst thing. It is pretty heavy. I will say. It has like commercial level hacky. Like that's the sort of thing that like, oh, he should have gotten a better insurance or something. I will say, one of the fun things about writing things

for children is you can use hacky jokes because the kids don't know it like that So you can reuse stuff. There was I remember working on the who was show for Netflix and it was like To do like a joke rap about this would be pretty hacky, but it's for kids They don't know that so we can do it and it reminds me of the other day I was so proud of my son He was reading a book and he got to a part where a character said what what am I, Chopped Liver? And he got up and he ran over to me to share this joke with me. He showed it to me.

He was like, look at what this guy said. He said, what am I, Chopped Liver? And I was like, I don't remember when I first heard that for the first time. This is a special moment that you're hearing this. One of the hackiest things a person can say in a story. And he's experiencing it as a new, amazing phrase. So-

Just straight thing too, because, you know, Chopped Liver is pretty good. It is, amazing phrase. So, it's a strange thing too, because, you know, Chuck Liver's pretty good. It is, I mean, that's the real, that's the problem with that joke, is that if it was like, what am I, Chuck Liver? Yeah, I wish, it's delicious, put it on, put it on like a cracker or something. Russ and peace, Sammy's Romanian, I mean, come on.

Yeah, this bad joke did not inspire laughter out of me, it did inspire me, you think, why are they producing a hamlet in this school Seems seems like a lot for these children. I don't know. I will say the level of joke is it's not No, it does reflect his current indecisive state Layers that you know what I forget about it. There's subtext. It's a great joke. It's perfect There's no other play that would have worked There's suddenly like the whole movie now

There it's not that every joke is bad in this movie. It is that the big jokes are pretty bad to me. Yeah. And there are a lot of little, there's a part near the end where Alan Arkin as a judge pulls out a timer and we'll get to that. And he goes, that's the clock from my house. And that made me laugh more than anything else in the movie. It was just, this aside where the judges just making sure they know that that's his clock that he brought from. I like the part where Jason Alexander talking about how he's a pants inspector. So it's like, who do you, did you forget who I am? And he pulls out a little thing that says

inspected by number six and says, I'm number six. And I like that joke. That was, that was pretty good. I feel like there's potential in the idea of a pants inspector that they don't really, they don't, they don't dig into it as much as I would like. It's just like a site data later.

I mean, as long as we're talking about the writing, I just want to mention this is Alan's Bible did this from his children's book, and he was a very famous SNL writer during the early years, and he wrote for Gary Chan Linko. So he's capable of writing very funny stuff, but North is not a good movie. I would call him one of the top boomer generation TV

and probably movie writers. Like of boomer writers, Alan Swybell is right up at the top and this, you know, everyone has the, and he's on, he comes on Gilbert Godwreitz podcast every now and then they always ask him about North and he's like, we're just doing something nice. What do people have to be mean? They're doing something nice.

And I was like, yeah, yeah, he's probably right. And then I watched the movie again and I's like, we're just doing something nice. What do people have to be mean? They're doing something nice. And I was like, yeah, yeah, he's probably right. And then I watched the movie again and I was like, oh boy, they, no. This is not the, this is not the nice thing that they, that they, around the time later on when someone is trying to murder North on camera, I was like, this doesn't work for me. So, continues to work, sorry, I'm jumping ahead.

Yeah, so, North, he gets the seed of an idea and he enlists the aid of his weird journalist friend, Winchall, to come up with the plan of becoming kind of like a kid-free agent and like shopping himself around a prospective adoptive parents. Which like, as a premise, like, I could see someone being like, oh, that's a fun premise.

Everything that has spun out of it in the film is pure evil. But like the idea of like a free age, like a kid, like a sports figure trying to get like picked up by different, you know, different parents, you know, there's something there. Yeah, it's a very funny idea that unfortunately just opens up

a can of stereotype worms. And the winch, as the winch-all storyline develops, it becomes just straight, like it just becomes not, yeah, Harva, it's not a kid movie appropriate, but it gives John Love, it's an opportunity to be in the movie a lot. Who just shows up? John Love, it shows up as winchels uh... often used attorney uh...

who is going to handle the case for north's emancipation yet he literally appears he's chasing an ambulance in his car and he sees north on the street and screeches to a stop and it's like yeah that's the level of the movie is that the lawyer is literally chasing after an ambulance that's that what they had, you know. Worked for the Marks Brothers in like brain donors or something, right? Well, that, that, okay. You got a lot to unpack there.

I'm going to have to, I mean, the biggest thing that's not a Marks Brothers movie. I mean, it's definitely a Marks Brothers pastiche. I mean, that's a movie I remember loving as a kid when it would be on HBO and I have to watch it again to see if it holds up at all. But, anyway. Yeah, I'm curious too. Okay, so I don't know. I think there's something weird going.

But just the whole thing about North, yes, I agree. The idea could work, but like what we've seen so far is like literally North had one dinner conversation where he wasn't the center of attention. Yes. And it's like, that's it. I'm out of here. I'm leaving for that. I, that's it! I'm out of here.

I'm leaving for that. I think that's one of the big things is they seem to, for some reason, they needed to make an argument as to why North's parents should pay attention to him. Well, the only way is if he's got to be the best kid in the world. Because otherwise, the audience might think North is not worthy of their attention. I think it would be, it's a better story if it's just a regular kid. If he's not the best and the smartest and the most amazing, it's just a regular kid. Are you the regular kid needs more attention?

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, thank you. If a regular kid was just like, my parents start paying it and all these, and then the joke is that everyone in the world is competing for the attention to be the parents of like, just a kid, just some kid. As opposed to North who is already famous, it seems.

right as opposed to north who is already famous it seems you know okay so uh... he uh... the judge rule the judge ruled by alan arken who as everyone is addressed is a funny performer uh... he is i mean that he is doing his best christopher loyden this movie alan arken is he can really calibrate and he is going big here is going as big as possible but But it works. He's a judge who's barking.

I think it's people. And the rules, he rules in favor of North because North's parents are both in a catatonic state. I guess they like out the news. When they find out the news, they go into shock. And they go in, yeah, and they're, but they're like strapped to a board in the courtroom. And Al Arquins like that.

His parents would even pay attention. And it's just to sign like the movie's trying so hard to be like fun and cartoonish but you're like it be a wacky but it's like this is seriously this is a terrible thing that's happened to his parents like that like try to get them out of the out of their coma and then and see what the North seems unconcerned by the fact that they are yeah yeah yeah they are unable to talk or move yeah later on ways like my parents haven't even tried to contact me. It's like, yeah, dude, you saw them. They're like, you're like, they're like, they're like, later in the movie, there's

a press conference when Ben sign makes them a tie, makes them an exhibit at the Smithsonian. And they're encased in glass in a coma. So it's like, yeah, they're not getting in touch with the North. That was fake. That was covered by the news. It's, yeah, I guess it's a real North in glass houses shouldn't throw a stand. And the judge in addition to ruling in North's favor adds a ticking clock, everybody. North only has until Labor Day to pick new parents or decide to go back with his original parents or else he goes to an orphanage. And then there's like some comments about how be like, you know, living in an orphanage is terrible there's like some comments about how be like, you know, living in an orphanage is terrible and it's a little bit weird.

And so they, but the ticking clock is the whole summer. He has like, he has like an entire summer to do this. And it seemed like he goes to like four places and he has, it seems like he spends like three days and the entire summer has just that. Well, they make it, he does spend a lot of time walking in Alaska during the first of the very offensive sequences where he, where brown face Kathy Bates, the Inuit mom is, is taking him to push an elderly person

Avagoda and brown face onto an ice flow to die. So like they spend that. In a ceremony that is officiated by Richard Belzer and brown face. Yeah, I mean, officiated is, I would say he's more the, he's more like the the air traffic controller of the thing. I just keep an error on schedule. But yeah, the, it's, I think that eats up a lot of that summer.

I think that's how they explain that. That's how we're supposed to enter. Okay, because that's the thing that's so funny. It's like you have to do this by the end of the summer and he goes to one place and I'm like, okay, he was there for literally a day. All right, fine. Then he goes to the next place and I'm like, okay, he was there for literally a day. All right, fine. Then he goes to the next place and it seems like he's there for a day.

And then he's like, I've only got 12 hours left to find my parents. And it's like, we just started this. You have all summer. What's happening? One thing I like about Alan Arkin's performance is he, even as he's declaring this, seems to be like, I also shocked at how arbitrary and unfair it is. He's like, he's telling him,

but you only have to labor, A. R. So you're gonna go in an orphanage and the way he says it is almost like, he's getting this perverse delight out of doing the wrong thing and he knows it's wrong. Like that's his, I would rather watch the movie where Alan Archer's judge goes home and is following Nords progress. Like on a map in his house and it's just like running

at a time. I should have given it a little more time. Your delivery of Alan Arkansas, delivery made me think that maybe he was just reading the script off of Q cards for the first time while doing it. You'll have to be in an orphanage, that can't be right. What kind of shitty movie is this? That's possible.

It's very possible. Yeah, Alan Rob, I'll be in your movie for sure. With your track record, no questions asked. Just, okay, I'm a judge, okay, put the robes on me. Well, you're so good, Alan, you're such a good improviser. Let's just have you, we want to get your first take. Let's just, don't even read the script at halftime. You got it.

And as these renees, like, what is it? Should I let you hear and make up? They're like, nope, your hair looks crazy already. What's that you're carrying? Is that an old kettle? Yeah, bring it along, why not? The courtroom scene also has another one of, thought the worst hackiest jokes, which was like the we've already established the parents are combatos and there they're on these boards in the courtroom and

you know like Alan Arkin is like all right, we'll go ahead and defense and the and the lawyer for the parents who I don't think is I don't recognize him I don't think he's like, anyway, he's just like, your honor, the defense rests. It's just, you can see it because they're lying down. They almost need like a drummer on screen doing like the little, I mean, but the thing is if it was like the March Brothers doing that joke,

I would laugh at how, I would laugh at how corny it is and they're getting away with it. But like, I guess that's when you see part of it is the most brothers are like You know like do it do it like airplane right? There's like so many jokes That doesn't matter if one sucks They're the greatest movie comedians of all time. I mean, that's the other thing is the same joke in the hands of The greatest comedy performers on film sure Okay, so North and his lawyer, John Love,

it's set up an office to receive parental applications and they come flooding in. Everybody wants a piece of that North and he starts flying around a visit, perspective parents and those first parents are located in Texas America and they are cartoonishly Texan played by Dan Acroid and Reba McIntyre, baby. The most Texas person you could think of, that's right.

Dan Acroid. Now, apparently it was supposed to be John Candy and then he dropped out, not that that's more Texan because he's from Canada, but. It just says that he's from the same place Dan Acroid is from Canada. I mean, they may be from different parts of Canada, but who would be the most Texan because he's from Canada, but. It just says that he's from the same place Dan Accorate is from Canada. I mean, they may be from different parts of Canada, but who would be the most Texan person you can imagine? I mean, like, if ever a part called

for modern day MC Gainy, but I don't know what he was doing in 1994, you know? I mean, at the time, maybe like from... I feel like, I feel like Bert Reynolds or somebody, right? Sam Shepard. Sam Shepard. What are you amazing about, right? Sam Shepard. Sam Shepard. I mean, amazing if it was Sam Shepard. And he's delivering all the same lines,

but so dry, so crusty. That's very, very good. Yeah. That's great. That is so funny. Now, luckily, I mean, we have a Mac and Tires here. And I feel like Reba injects a fair amount of life to it.

Like, maybe it's just as I love her in these like crazy, like musical theater rich person cowboy outfits and she's obviously a great singer. Now Reba comes off very well in this movie. I mean, this is comparably to the rest of the movie. It's kind of fun. They're singing, they're dancing. He gives Dan Eckwood gives Elijah Wood north the Houston Astros as a gift.

That's fun. I think this definitely is the, if this was the starting point and then the movie heightened in humor from this point on, the movie you'd be like, okay, that was a fun start now it's getting, but unfortunately this is like the best of the parents. It's and maybe it's just because the stereotype of a rich Texan is not one that makes my tummy hurt compared to the other ones. Yeah, and the So he pretty quickly susses out that these Texans are just trying to they just want North to replace their large dead son. I guess they have a son. There is a strange other current and yeah, there's some weird stuff in this scene. It's not as offensive, but it is weird. They're because they're force feeding him.

They're like they really want it. They talk about how he has to grow is we have to stretch your stomach and pretty soon your capacity will for food grow and grow. It's like somebody was trying to write a screenplay based on a role-doll book but didn't like consider the like dark comedy of it and we're just like, no it's just normal comedy right? Yeah, we're like a couple pages from it. Oh yeah, sorry, sorry you say. Yeah, it's just good to say, their old son could eat a lot.

So they're trying to replace him and so they need to I guess fatten up north and then they sing the song they sing which is sort of cute that they go into a whole musical number. The musical number. It's about their dead son being trampled in a stampede. It's just very bizarre. I think it's good or bad. Just very, I don't know, just like there's almost a lynchian quality of strangeness. It is, it is, if this was a scene in nothing but trouble, instead of the scene where Chevy Chase imagines that Dan Acroids knows as a penis for some reason,

you'd be like, okay, yeah, I guess this makes sense. The family's obsessed with their dead kid and they're trying to replicate them in some way. This is the kind of thing that those weirdos would do. And what was the name of that town? Valkovania? Yeah, Valkovania, but instead it's in North, where like Alan Swipell got hit in the head with a Grim's

Ferry Tales book and had to inject this kind of like strange force-feeding a child element to it. Otherwise, other than that, best family seen in the movie. So the pair of not dishes in the movie. So right before the musical number, this is where North runs into the second appearance by Bruce Willis. And that's when we're starting to figure it out. Like, you got to assume something's up. Like, he must be traveling down the what, like,

77 steps to sleep. Like, he is traveling on, he's on a dream journey to a known cadop. And he bumps into Bruce Willis, who is now a ranch hand who does not go by the same name. He just has never met North. He again is speaking with a let's say questionable text accent. And he gives North a little bit advice of which I don't remember at this point. I don't know. He just helps him decide that this isn't the right family. This isn't the right fit. Maybe he should move on. That he wants to be loved for himself and not not as a replacement. Or as a member of the replacements, which they should have made north,

so that they could make a joke where he's like, just because I'm a member of the replacements doesn't mean I wanna be a replacement for your son. And then the replacements show up and place some of their hits. Yep. Yep. About dead sons being trampled in stampede.

Yeah, I mean, they play the same song, I guess, but like replacement style. I mean, they're not allowed to be on Saturday night live. Replacement style means very drunk. As soon as? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's replace me style. I mean, they're not a lot of the not a lot of the uncertainty and I love replacement style means very drunk Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah So, of course despite a musical number North says no he turns them down and We get a glimpse of what's going on back home. There's like a full-on like kid revolution. It's like this like Nickelodeon

Fucking nightmare where the kids are now in charge. Parents have to do whatever they say and Winchell is at the heart of it and his, uh, and his, I guess, muscle is John Loveitts the lawyer. The Winchell is the brains behind the operation and he's they're raking in the box. I don't know. It is very strange. This Winchell character like, I hated him from the moment he just showed up, not realizing he was supposed to be the villain, just because he, I found the performance sort of off-plitting, but that's because, well, I don't, you know, I'm harsh. He's a child.

He's a child, damn. He's a child. But allow me to explain that I do not like movies where the only joke of a character appears to be like, this child is acting as if an adult might. You know, and this is what he's saying. Yeah, I think he said that that goes, that's slightly worse than wrapping grannies, right? I mean, to be honest, that is in my ranking of like, jokes I do not like, the number one pretty, I mean, other than jokes that are harmful to people.

The number one is like, I didn jokes that are harmful to people the number one is like I didn't expect that character to sound like that kind of person to sound like that so like rapping rannies really adult sounding kids sensitive bikers like any of that garbage, you know, that's that's a personal Pepe of mine that being said because you like to judge books by their cover right? Yeah, exactly I like people because I just I don't like the idea that it's like, you don't conform to my expectations about what you would sound like. That being said, I do love the moment in, uh, in, gentlemen's for for blondes where they ask that, where the two, the, the two ladies ask the kid, how old he is and he goes, old

enough to appreciate a fine woman. Absolutely. I'm going to appreciate a beautiful woman. And that's the only line he pretty much has. It's like that, that character got turned into a turned into a into the villain of the movie. So it is a lot of like like this is the character that feels the most like Cohen's ask to me. This kind of like fast talk in old timey reporter kid who is turns into Lex Luthor basically. Mm hmm. Yeah, so North's next stop is to Hawaii where the governor of Hawaii and his wife are making a big pitch for North to join their family.

And we get, we're treated to a series of jokes all about Hawaiian culture. I mean, like they are all wearing like, poi and stuff like that. It's not, it's, you know, not that I want them to do a real in-depth look at what it's like to live in Hawaii, but it is like tourist Hawaii, you know? This is, I will say that in the other scenarios that come later, it feels like the thing that makes North think, these are not the parents for me, are all stereotype specific to that culture, whereas here in Hawaii, the thing that bothers him is not like

culture related, it's just that they want him to be like the tourism ad for Hawaii. So if I'm going to say Capitone take off where like his shorts are being pulled down by an octopus, so his butt crack is visible. He keeps talking about his crack. Won't stop talking about his goddamn crack. This is the strongest memory I have from seeing the movie. The two strongest memories I have from seeing movie as a kid were him saying my crack.

And as a kid, I never used the word crack to talk about my butt. And so it was just like, it felt very weird to hear him say my, what about my crack over and over again It's just like and it's not funny. It's never funny, you know It seems like it must have been a different word and because it is sort of a movie for kids Someone made them change it. Well, what can he say that won't get us an R rating or a PG 13 or whatever? He's like well, he could say crack. Okay. Say crack over and over

But it is good very clearly says turd cutter like well he could say crack okay say crack over and over but in the script it very clearly says turd cutter can he not say that so we went to sinners and practices we have the list of exceptal words there's cleft divide crevice crack crack you know what crack is fine I don't even want to go farther down the down the list and Robbonner's like Alan maybe we should go with crevice. Now, it's like, no, Krak has more comedy caves. Let's go with that one. I don't know. What about shit split?

Can we do that? Yeah. Can we, I mean, in North Defense, that billboard is weird. It's weird. It's like, it's very weird. It's very weird. It's very bizarre.

And they're like, here you go. Here's a billboard of your tush, right up on you. It's so, so. So, Capertone, baby. So creepy to watch, because it's like a's a billboard of your tush. Right up on you. It's your coppertone baby. So creepy to watch, because it's like a motorized billboard too. Like the octopus keeps pulling down North's pants to continually reveal his crack.

But if you look at it in a certain way, the octopus is constantly pushing up those pants. Yeah, maybe he's a little butthole. Okay. His bathing suit is too big and the octopus is like, let me help you here. Yeah crap that That's empty or is the crack half full? That's right. You have to look at it that way now I want to see the outtakes now where they're like Stuart saying they're using the other words and he's like my balloon

Yeah, and is and I mean in in the octopus defense it is a Kraken Wow save those jokes for you guys too. Jordan, don't edit that out. Accentuate it please. The Kraken is more of a squid, but I still appreciate it. Yeah, Dan, the real Kraken's are more like squids. You're right, the real ones that exist in the sea.

Thanks for fact checking Stuart on that one. Thanks, Baylon Greyjoy. Okay. Okay, now, now Jordan, take a, now I want you to, after Stuart said Kraken, put in a sound checking suit on that one. Thanks, Baylon Greyjoy. Okay. Okay. Now, Jordan, take a, now I want you to, after Stuart said crackin, put in a sound bite of Liam Neeson saying release the crackin. And then with Dan, put in a, put in the same sound bite, but instead of crackin, have Liam Neeson say, pedant.

So can you get Liam Neeson to do that for us? That'd be great. Thank you. He's probably busy getting revenge on somebody right now. You'll track him down. So North Wonders off. he bumps into bruce willis who is now like some kind of og beach bum uh... who's like kind of like a weird beach hippie uh... and he

you gotta metal detector he's got a metal detector uh... walk they also walk by those guys that the guy that used to do the eat like the aerobics show on espn out of nowhere there like the you guys do you remember watching that show? No. I had a lot. I had, I was not really that into fitness when I was young.

Oh, I was. As you can, as I'm sure you can all tell just by looking at me, I was, I loved fitness and fitness shows as a child. Well, the fact that you're a beast now, yeah, sure. Yeah, yes, I'm ripped and shredded. That's, you know, it's a podcast. So they'll just have to trust me. But you're, you were as close to ripped and shredded as someone who regularly eats all of the novelty tie-in

Food items the thing is talk about that that this may be your last podcast appearance since probably the dune breakfast at Danny's Is this kind of gonna turn denny's into dunes from a month and it's all every item on the menu's gonna be dune themed And you're gonna have to eat them all eat both giant sandworm. Yeah You won't go you won't go broca from these deals. I mean, I don't know if Denny's would do a joke based off our bit. That's how Broca loves doing it. You mean Duney? Yeah, Duney's has like the maker sausage and it's like a sandworm of sausages tied together and you're gonna have to eat it?

Oh man. Oh, and you, it's gonna be spiced Let's let's I guess I have to put these chips into this mod dip. Okay Now you know how I keep my incredible figure despite eating all that is I watch body by figure, despite eating all that, as I watch Body Bite. Oh, there's gotta be some good. I just, such random nonsense in this movie. Like that guy, there has to be someone, I can't be the only person who's gonna be listening to this podcast, who knows that,

that he's just like this ripped Israeli guy who hosted like a fitness show on ESPN for like 20 years. And they're just, he's just randomly in the movie. And they're just in a row. They're just there for Bruce Willis to make a joke about how it's, it's full, why waste your time working out, you know? Right. Right.

Yeah, it's all, it's like a very long way to go for that one. Which having, having spent, like the last year, spending a lot of time stretching and working out and trying to get in shape, only to have my back collapse on me. And then I'm stuck watching North. I kind of agree with Bruce Willis. Yeah. Now, to get back to the important stuff, Matt, how are you going to deal with when you sit down at Duneys having to order the gum ja burger, which is a hamburger with chewing gum on it?

You're not even supposed to swallow that. But it's supposed to, it's a test, whether you, whether you can survive the pain of, of eating it, just like the original gum ja bar. How are you going gonna handle that? What's your strategy? I don't know, it's gonna be bad, it's gonna be real bad. I'm getting nervous, I'm starting to sweat just sitting here thinking that someone might actually

do this after this, make a dune menu. Allie, every time you say dunees, I think of like a dune version of the dunees where they're not that different. They're not that different. They say cast and they gotta get the spice to save the dune docks. Yeah, and in the at dunees you also washed down your meal with a hearty glass of navigator raid. Yep, yep, yep.

Sorry, just took me a lot of figure that one out. Or a glass of mentee. yep, yep. Sorry, just took me a lot of figure that one out. Or a glass of mentee. Yeah, sure. Now, the other thing is, the gum, the gum jaburger is all sweat, make doughnuts. That's right, multiple restaurants are doing dough and tie-in menus. Deal with it, Matt. You got to eat them all.

That's what I have to have no choice. Absolutely. That was the deal you made with the devil. So you would make a living as a film critic but in exchange you'd have to eat all the movie tie and food. So meanwhile back at home, do we ever figure out exactly where North lives? Any town USA.

Any town USA. He doesn't live. Is it like New Jersey or something? I think he does live in New Jersey because they, but then he's again at New Jersey later, but he's in Upset New York. Anyway, he goes to BoCraft Amusement Park. So he's in New Jersey because they, but then he's again at New Jersey later, but he's in Upset New York. Anyway, he goes to BoCraft Amusement Park.

So like he's in New Jersey because as everyone knows in the commercials, BoCraft Amusement Park, it all began over 50 years ago, Rides and Games, straight as narrow, Rides and Games for kids in every age, something park in a video arcade. Damn, I can't remember the jingle

for BoCraft Amusement Park and I watched it so many times this year. And that's not Action Park, right? It's not, no, Action park is a very different place than you guys ever go to action park. Yes. Oh yes. Yeah, action park is where you would go when the summer camp didn't have the money for

Jordy park that you did. Did I already I feel like I must have recommended a class action park here on the show before though the the documentary about it that has a hodgeman doing the narration. I haven't said you might have I haven't watched it and I've been meaning to because I want the the documentary about it that has a husband doing the narration. I haven't said you might have I haven't watched it and I'm in meaning to because I want to see if I recognize much of it. You know when I watched it, I was like, okay, I like it walked into it thinking like, oh, I'll know what this is, you know, it's a dangerous park, whatever. Like I mean, I'll I had a sense like, oh, it's a it will be a funny documentary about a dangerous park. I was not prepared for how dangerous the park is. I mean, it makes it feel like,

and it's not like that came out later. At the time, everyone knew that action park was a dangerous place to go. Like we would talk about it all the time about what the latest injury was. Yeah, did you guys ever go? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Did you ever get injured? I mean, is that why you have that crazy, real rash? I was checking out. It was, you could always tell which ride were the dangerous ones. Like if a water slide had a loop in it, you knew not to go on that. That's not a safe ride. So I would avoid those.

But I actually, I lost my glasses on one of the slides. It was such a wild ride that my glasses blew off. Yeah. I was the ride and I came out and I was like 12 years old going, I was like, I was lucky, somebody found them. Oh, okay, I thought you were gonna buy the T-shirt, I lost my glasses in action park. Sorry, Stuart, I feel like that's the sort of thing

that the teens working the ride to be super sympathetic about. Yeah, oh great, glass is okay nerd, yeah, sure. My wife, Charlene, went a couple times and she said her favorite part was at the end of like the tube slide. As soon as that you come out of like the tube and you're riding on the inner tube, the kids working there would just get out and wonder. Yeah, because they got to get they don't have that many tubes. They're going to give it to the next person. Yeah, that was the story way better. The trips there were usually a lot of daring each other to go on things and then not, you know.

The reason I bring out that it's Bokraft though is purely as an excuse for me to talk about a different jingle from commercials from the New Jersey region and that's for the Westchester County Fair. Rides and attractions, nonstop action, shows, animals, fireworks too about the most fun thing you can do. So Bokraft, the museum park and the Westchester County Fair are both tied together in my mind as the jingles for places to go. So that's not beautiful. Not airy lodge. Well, of course, there's a beautiful amount because all you have to bring is your love of everything. Beautiful. Mount airy lodge. So that's for that was my latest edition of regional northeastern commercial regional east the eastern location commercial roundup

Okay, so back next time we will tell you about ha ha raceway park Back on the kids revolution has kind of swayed entirely in favor of the kids I think we get kind of a state of what's going on while winchall and john love its are getting massages and treats. I think they're getting like sodas and I think John Levitts gets a sex on the beach. Now, what is Nestor at your bartender? What is a sex on the beach? I don't really know what's in it.

You know what? Like used condoms and sand? Yes, sand. To be honest, it's one of those drinks that I feel like Dan could probably answer this better than me Because every time I somebody asked for it I just say that we don't have the right ingredients, but I think it's probably we don't have like peach snops or some shit But it's like rum peach snops and like I don't know pineapple juice. Dan. Do you know? That is not one that I mean I do a lot of tropical drinks

But I know which ones to stay away from and those ones that I don't know. Call myself a bartender. Yeah, now what's a fuzzy naval though? Is that the same thing or does that mean? That is big. I think it snaps and I believe orange juice, but I'm not sure. Now what's a Harvey Wall banger?

Is that the same thing? Jeez, Christ, I'm asking all these stupid ass drinks I learned. And do these physical drinks that like, these are the drinks that got mentioned on sitcoms when I was a kid. So I never knew what they were. But what about a slow comfortable screw against the wall?

Like no thanks. I say get out of here. Get out of here. Get out of here. It's no no patience. No time. Literally the only drink I know what it is is a screwdriver only because in that one episode of faulty towers,

the guy is yelling at John Cleese about what a screwdriver is. That's also why I know that there's grapes and nuts in a Waldorf salad. So the next family that north visits is are you this might be one of the lowest points of the movie. He goes to Alaska, which is this hot like tundra, and the family is a, I'm guessing an Inuit family played by Graham Green and Kathy Bates, and the grandfather's played by Avagoda, and they live in like a big igloo that has like all the converts of an American home,

but like disguised in like ice and shit. It's like an American 50s suburb that everything's made out of snow. It's like the Flintstones, if the Flintstones was set and in you and Bill, it's like a Tunish. It's like a igloo and everything is made out of ice. And there's a guy mowing the snow as they walk by him and that was the one joke in the whole sequence.

I was like, that's kind of a funny idea. But there's even a random sequence where I was like, that's kind of a funny idea. But. There's even like a random joke where they, where like, I didn't even notice it. The first time I saw this, because God help me, I've now seen this movie twice in like the last couple of months. Like, where the, the plane like skids

and they, there's like a joke about, well, while we're skidding, we'll show you another feature-length movie. It's, I mean, it's not funny when I say it. And it's not funny. No, no, no. I swear it's in the movie. They literally, they're, it's not funny when I say it. And it's not funny. I swear it's in the movie. They literally, they're literally sitting in the living room of this igloo, and they just whistle the Andy Griffith theme for a little while. And it was like, I do, this, this is entering

timonaric level, like non-humour, where like, is the joke that this is just an awkward moment for North to sit through? Like, I don't, I don't know. So you would think that North would be put off by the cold or the other things, but no, he's put off by the tradition of putting their elders out on an ice flow to die. Yes, which, I mean, the only thing less accurate than that is the fact that Kathy Bates,

I mean, also playing in any way when she is not, is doing a sampler cross stitch of penguins, which is nuts. Those are Antarctic birds. That why would it, why would a, at a laskin have anything to do with penguins? Dan answer me this, answer me, tell me. I'm happy. I think it was a pretty cute.

I, I could see having penguin dick already. It's a good point. My son loves penguins and he lives in Los Angeles. Okay, yeah. Okay, yeah. Okay. So yes, there, there's a one native American actor and two white actors and it seems weird because like you knew you knew good enough to cast Graham Green movie, but you didn't go with that

any further. But also, yes, this setting the elders out to die on an ice flow. I looked into this just to like, to see if it was a viable option for your family. Yeah, and the widespread practice of doing this is a complete myth. There were some inuit who in times of famine would leave the elders behind because they were unable to feed them

and they were the oldest. But as a larger cultural thing, this is just a racist stereotype about the Inuit people. You're saying that in real life, they wouldn't take a number and then wait until Richard Belzer called their number. And push them off onto an ice flow with a lazy boy in the TV.

The North thing is inaccurate. I'm thinking, larger stereotype. No, but that's also that, like, it's a larger stereotype type that's not true, that the only root of it you're saying comes from tragedy. Comes from personal tragedy of famine, but it is through the filter of history and humor.

It's become like the goofiest way to insult a culture. Like it's... I will say that the one part of this that made me laugh is, you know, Apego to, you know, everyone keeps saying that he's fine with it. And it's clear that he's not fine with it. And as he floats off, he goes, it's like, if your policies change in the next week,

come find me. And Kathy Bates, like, what do you say? And I sort of enjoy this last ditch ever. Like, hey, I'll be cool if you want to bring me back. But anyway, we'll go to dies. Yeah, if they don't want, we don't know that. Maybe they bring her back at some point. Maybe he bumps into a ship and he leads a mutiny.

And now he's a pirate captain, who's going around the seas. Maybe he turns into like North fanfic. Well, he turns into an ice monster. he goes back in time and he attacks the tear and the other ship that were stuck in the ice, right? Or he turns into an ice monster and he goes back in time and attacks Chris Elliott and Kevin Boy. There's so many ways that they could have gone. Yeah. This is also our mind you. This is four years after Danc's Wolves came out and America briefly had decided to treat Native Americans like people and not cartoon characters.

So by the time of North it is, it's just, oh, indigenous is back to like a fictional character. Anyway, uh... He bumps into another Bruce Willis. This Bruce Willis basically just reminds him. Times running out, he wasted too much time walking across the Alaskan Tundra. Uh, I guess it was, it was, it had the same emotional weight as that scene in think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think,

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I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think,

I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, that he's spent eight weeks. Like, what is happening? It's a lot like in the flight of the navigator when the kid comes back and he finds that his family doesn't live at the house anymore because it's the future now. Yeah. And like you get that twist in your gut where you're like, my parents abandoned me.

So North End jumps on a plane and he goes to, I'm guessing like middle America to meet with some Amish parents played by Kelly McGillis and Carl from Die Hard. And I was was like that's Carl from die hard. And Kelly McGillis of course a reference to witness. I'm sure all the kids watching were like oh that already did thriller. It's the Amish woman that Harrison Ford fell in love with and that's the joke. Now I've never seen that. Who's the witness in it? Is it?

I've never seen what she's telling me, because I've never gotten around to it. Is it Lucas Haas? I'm very young. I don't know. You're asking me, the guy who asked the question. I don't know. There are two other people on this Zoom call, Elliot. Oh, good point. No, witness, if you've not seen it, that is a very good movie.

It's marginally better than North. I will say that. Okay, that's fair. That's fair. Witnesses one of those movies that growing up, I would hear a lot about, but I was too young to see it. And by the time I grew up, it was like, I don't need to, you know, I don't, I don't need to dig back. I guess nobody talks about it anymore.

Yeah, and if you want to learn about the Amish experience, obviously the movie you turned to is Kingpin, starring Randy Quay. Right, exactly. Something where they, I mean, he's spent years living with them. Yeah. To, to favor that role. With Jonathan Loper and the rest of Bloom, Blue Strabler.

So, north then runs, runs away. Oh, he, his next family is what appears to be some kind of like a Chinese royal family. And they show him a selection of haircuts. And he says, no, no, no, and he runs away. Yeah, this is a parody of the last emperor. This, this little section here until they show them. Okay, another childhood favorite. Yeah, this, they're two favorite movies or witness and the last emperor.

This whole sequence is done like rapid fire, getting in the shitty offensive jokes as quickly as possible so they can get through it. They're like, what other, what are the races? Have we not hit yet? Gotta go to Zahir? That's where we're going next. Yeah, he turns down African family out of concerns that being around topless women would distract him

from his homework, which is whatever man, fuck off. Yeah. He turns down a French family because the only options on television are Jerry Lewis movies. And this is one of these things. This is a stereotype of the French that I remember knowing as a kid before I really knew who Jerry Lewis movies. And this is one of these things. This is a stereotype of the French that I remember knowing as a kid before I really knew who Jerry Lewis was. We're had seen any of his work.

I knew that, oh, yeah, French people are weird because I think Jerry Lewis is funny and his stuff is not funny and saw this joke in the movie and like got it, like I understood the point of the joke. And it's just very, it just seems like such a blast from another time because like, does anyone talk about the French and Jerry Lewis anymore? No, of course not.

Like, probably France one time gave Jerry Lewis an award, and that was it. Like, it was just, I don't know. It's such a strange time capsule of a time when this is what people knew about France, and also Jerry Lewis was considered like just the worst old hack stuff, you know? As opposed to now, he's remembered as a mean man

who is very cheap and mean to everybody. But he, like, did he admit the little monitor that you can watch? He said he had meant a video playback. Yeah, where you would have a video monitor attached to it. But I remember saying that to somebody as if that was an achievement and they were like, so he attached a TV to the camera? Great. Is he the guy who, is he the guy who's saying great ball? as if that was an achievement and they were like, so we attached a TV to the camera, great. That's great.

Is he the guy who, is he the guy who's saying great balls of fire? No, that's Jerry Lee Lewis. That's a different Jerry Lewis. They're brothers though. Yeah, they are brothers. They have the first name, but different, same first name, different middle names.

That's, that's how they're going to the part, yeah. So, North ends up in upstate New York to meet with the Nelson's, uh, uh, very traditional, uh, what American nuclear family, uh, played by, uh, John Ritter, uh, Faith Ford and I don't know who plays the son, but the, the daughter is played by future Miss Colin Joast. That's right. Scarlett Johansson. Miss Colin, uh, Mrs Colin Jost. That's right, Scarlett Johansson. Miss Colin Jost, it's not.

Wow. Miss Colin Jost. Oh, that is amazing. Or Miss. But there's no Miss Colin Jost. Unless there's some kind of accident where they're going to like Jeff Goldloom's lab and he's going to teleport them from one tube to another

and instead they come out mixed into one person. Then maybe it would be Miss Colineged, I don't know. Is that going to happen, Dan? Is Jeff Goldman still looking into that technology? Well, I mean, I think he sort of dissolved at a certain point. So no. That's a good point, probably. And then he just focused on piano playing after that. Yeah. Yeah. So meanwhile, Winchell is back home. He is now super rich. He has like a whole skyscraper.

He has an office that is filled with fucking early 90s arcade cabinets. I could not tear my eyes away from fucking NBA jam. Terminator 2, that game with the guns. That's the Terminator 2 game. I played it so many times in the in the lobby of the Loes movie theater in what East Hanover I guess it was and it was like and so seeing that video game I was like I know it well. Oh Terminator 2 game with the two oozy guns. I remember you know

somewhere in that office there's either an X-Men the arcade game or TMNT VR game and like you can play four people. What the hell? I don't even have that many friends. And I bet he's got it rigged up too. So there's the button underneath who you just press to give yourself extra lives whenever you want. Oh, living the dream is winchill at this point. Although the implication is that John Loveitz is the one who plays these games. The winchill. Yeah, we never see that's true. The kid never plays them. That's, you know, yeah. Loveitz is always on theseitts is the one who plays these games. That's Winchell. Yeah, we never see. That's true. The kid never plays them. Yeah, Levitts is always on these games playing in the background of scenes whenever

Winchell's doing his evil, evil, miscalaculations of video. Yeah, Winchell likes the look of opulence. That's why he's got Richard Simmons playing on one of his TV modelers at all times. He's got arcade cabinets around. Yeah. Lynch will confuse me because like,

well, he starts off as like a simple newspaper man who like, who, you know, gets on board with North because it's a great story for his school paper. But then like over time, I guess the citizen came thing they're going for. He just like grows addiction to the power and And like, so newspaper to powers the thing. But without, I mean, I think there is one like pretty overt Kane reference as well.

But again, in a child, you're like, I would be like, why does this kid want to like cause so much trouble, so much so that, you know, I think we talked about it before, by the end of the movie, he's sending people out to assassinate North. He's also, he's also this like, yeah, he's like the puppet master controlling this whole scheme, but we never see his parents and we have no idea what, like why does he, why does he care so much about, see, that should be the cutscene.

Like this plan of, you know, like I will destroy the parents of the world and it's just like you've never seen like, why does this kid carry? Seems to be doing just fine. And if it was a fun appearance, it was a funnier movie. But if it was a funnier movie, like you wouldn't need that reason, it would just be like, oh, it's funny that this guy is becoming a power mad villain, but it's not. So it would be great to know why he's doing this other than like He's that kind of

That kind of older than his years kid that everybody hates and ends up becoming like an advisor to president Trump You know at some point in his life, you know that because he wants to take it out in the world. Yeah but uh, so meanwhile Norris and also and also after they with the casting they were like can you get us the next McAulay Culkin? Okay, we'll get you a blonde kid who looks like, like if you squint, he looks like a Culkin. Okay, we'll bring him in. And I will say this kid, with the material he's given, he gives it a saw.

I don't know him, I don't know if he's still an actor, but I think he does a fine job considering they give him some kind of thing. I looked him up, he had more child roles, but this was, I mean, he didn't, he did not make the transition to adult actor. He did not turn out to be Nikki Cox. So, no, North's parents finally wake up and winchels like, oh, this is going to disrupt all my plans because they want this kid back.

So he interviews them and then he takes their interview where they are pleading for their child to come back to them and he doctors that shit and has it sent over to the nelson's who were playing a very exciting game of clue and then they all give each other a hug before bed and then north gets that doctor tape and he watches it and it is doctor to make his parents very much say things like we don't want you we don't want you. We don't want you. Yeah.

Like they clearly don't want him based on this tape. And so North is like, I don't know, my original parents don't want me. But for some reason, they're not wanting me. Kind of makes me want them. Isn't that weird, guys? Yeah, they're negging him. Yeah.

It's weird how that happens sometimes. And so the Nelson's who are perfect in every way, they are tossed out yesterday's trash. The thing about the Nelson's, they're supposed to be like your classic white upper middle class, every one like tight knit family that you see in like TV shows, I guess. They're the cleavers.

They're the cleavers even ward. Or to put it in my generations,, they're like a real family ties. And they are presented as so objectively, like, or subjectively perfect, that it's super creepy. Like I kept waiting for the thing where it turns out like that they're gonna eat North or something like that. Or like they're Satan worshipers. Like it was they do it so far over the board that every time John Rutters like well North I think we really want

you to be a part of this family it was just like they I don't know this is really creepy like I don't yeah all the families they're probably the ones that I was most scared by you know but that could have been a funny joke if that's what that that's what happened but, literally like Stuart is saying, North just decides to leave. And I think they even say something like, we don't know why you're leaving. And North says neither do I.

They don't even provide an explanation. He just leaves. Like you're saying, like, well, my parents hate me. I guess I'll go find them. The other thing about this too is like, they are trying to, I guess, as to what it was like, comment on the perfect family you'd see on television, but the problem is making them

the one perfect family, it really does underline all the other racial stereotypes. Where it's like, North's like, here, this is what I wanted. A good old fashioned white family, like I see on TV, that just sits around in the suburbs. And it's like, a white family like I see on TV that just like sits around in the suburbs, you know, and it's like a white family that plays glue and goes to BoCraftham amusement park. I mean, they've got rides and games for kids of every age. But the it really is, yeah, the movie is not saying like, here's our play on the perfect family. The movie is like, this is the perfect

family as opposed to all those inuits and africans who are crazy and weird and it's like when she'll not happy with this of course he dispatches his assassin to kill north north gives the assassin the slip in the mean streets in new york what was decided to go to new york he's running out of time so he's going to lose himself in the underbelly of the city so that the judge can't send him to an orphanage

Even New York is a stereotype. It's like it's 1994 But it's like a stereotype of like you know, it's like Travis Bickle is like around the corner He's like wandering time square and there's like prostitutes and like CD porn theaters It's like that scene in last action hero where the like I gets murdered for sneakers outside the movie thing Exactly. Yeah. So he gives the ass in the slip and then he just finds an I love New York sweater on a bench in the park and he puts that shit on immediately disguised. Well done, Agent 47.

There's a North Hates New York. So that can't be. Yeah. So he then runs into Adam, a previously unseen kid character who's dressed like a deep throat figure. We saw him in the background of some of the scenes with Winchill, but I don't think he was ever given a name or dialogue from this point. Right. And so Adam here reveals Winchill's plan to North and hands in the original undoctored tape, but it's a VHS tape. So he's going to have to find a VCR to play that shit. And Adam has disguised himself by putting on like a top hat, right? So it's like,

I'd never been conspicuous. I'll be a kid on a top hat walking around Central Park at night. So totally, totally good. So I'll just be the littlest hobo. Sure. He's going to blend right in. So North, then escapes on a truck while the killer chases him and shoots at him. The killer finds a, what appears to be a blood-covered hat. That must be North's blood and assumes that North has been killed. Of course, North is not killed. That was borscht squirting out of a borscht truck that he was riding in. And he hides again in a convention center where Bruce Willis shows up again doing stand-up comedy. And is just as hilarious as you would imagine

and this is another one where he is telling the joke he's telling it's what it's the smoke detector uh... the nation's association of smoke alarm people and he's uh... and he's to be telling a joke about a couple having sex and then talking if they if they're gonna smoke after set or like saying do you smoke after sex and it's like This is the second time the word sex has been used in this kids movie like what's going on here? Come on guys even in even in even in the 90s when sexual health was on everybody's lips and it had to be because of what you know

The world was it still was like it's a little weird to have it be that joke the selling They they used up all of their edgy material with the two mentions of sex, which is why they had to say crack ten times. That's fine. Yeah. So, uh, he Bruce Willis lets him into his, uh, Bruce Willis lets him into his dressing room. And I'm like, Oh, shit, this is going to be like a very special episode. But it's not he's cool guys, it doesn't get gross. And then he... Right, because when Bruce will assign

onto the movie, he said, well, at least one of my characters turns out to be a sexual predator, right? Well, so I'm not doing the movie. And Rob Reiner said, we're working with Zwy Bell, we just can't find a way to make it work with the tone of the movie. The movie where an assassin is sent after a boy

and thinks that he has shot him in the head. We just can't make it work for one of your characters to turn out to be a psychopreder. And Bruce said, that's it. I'm walking. Luckily, old Bruce Willis from the future was there. And he said, okay, I'll take the part. Bruce Willis in competition with this future self said, oh, no, no, no, I've got it. I've got it. I'll do it. I'll do it. You just wait around here. Old Bruce Willis until it's time for you to

fall through the time portal again. And young Bruce Willis played by Joseph Gordon. Love it. He's like, what about me? It's like, what about me? I was gonna say, this is the looper sequel we never got. Yeah, looper two, super duper looper. And it'll take place on the set of North. Do you think when, do you think when Brian Johnson approached Bruce Willis for that, Bruce

Willis was like, before I agreed to Joseph Gordon love it playing me, I'm gonna need to see some of his past work And he's watching third rock from the sun. He's like, I wish my hair looked like that. Yep, that's what it was. Okay, so he gets some good advice from Bruce Willis. He gets a ride to the airport. Unfortunately, he can't fly because then they've already received the newspaper and he's presumed dead so they can't let him fly. because they've already received the newspaper and he's presumed dead so they can't let him fly. Kids start chasing him because they realize that if he surfaces that it will ruin their new world order

and then he ends up on a FedEx truck with another Bruce Willis. This was I think the laziest of the Bruce Willis to have this Bruce Willis shop the end, but then when he's dropped off at home, it's not Bruce Willis. It's completely different guy, yeah. Yes, yeah, it's a different, yeah, he gets on one FedEx truck and is driven there and

then he gets off and it's another driver. That was very strange. I didn't understand that at all. Yeah, I mean, put that down in Goofstand on the IMD into it. Oh, yeah, I'll get on it. I'll goof it up. So he gets delivered to his parents house. He arrives at his parents house and his family is not there.

Instead, he runs into Winchell and they have this kind of showdown where you kind of see how much they've changed since their paths have diverged it's like in that day and abnant novel writers of the dead were the two cousins go to war and then after a disastrous battle one of them ends up spending time with some Kislevite horse Lancers and some winged Lancers. And he kind of realized actually the truth of being noble and fighting. It's not all just like this, like the fancy armor and weapons. It's actually, you know, honor and whatnot. Whereas his cousin gets captured by the barbarian tribes of the north and he becomes a worshiper of Zeech, the change of ways, the great deceiver.

And he gains all these mutations and he becomes this powerful chaos, Lord, only to die at his customs blade at the very end. It's amazing. Yeah, I mean, it's basically the plot of Manhattan melodrama, great. Yeah. Okay, moving on. So, he then realized that in order to reunite

with his parents, he has to go, I got a little confused here. Well, it's weird. Winchell tells him, you have to go to your parents write your special spot. Yeah. And the judge had said, your to go to your parents right your special spot. Yeah. And the judge had said your parents have to hug you when the deadline reaches. I actually didn't remember him saying this earlier, but it's like you have to be in your parents arms

when the deadline reaches or else you have to go the orphanage. And I don't know why Winchell is like, he's kind of like taunting him a little bit, but I don't know why he is, I don't know why Winchell is telling him this thing. I like in a movie where none of it makes sense, this was a scene that made the least sense to me. Where else is it? The villain is like, I give up, here's what you need to know to win, goodbye. I'm not gonna be able to do this.

Well, he's trying to set him up. He's trying to get him to run out there and get blasted by his assassin. Tell him to go somewhere where his parents got his assassin. But tell him to go somewhere where his parents aren't and send the assassin after him. Cover your bases, Winchell. He wants his parents to see him get blessed.

It's pretty cool. I mean, that's, and Winchel is just in a corner masturbating at watching parents see their, their child die, because he's that evil. That's, that was the subtext. So he's that evil, and also he's that age when he cannot keep his hand off his dick. He's just discovered it, and he just cannot get enough of it.

Yeah. Yeah, who needs an arcade stick when he's got a stick of his own to play with? So he's about to reunite with And our cave stick I don't know why in that in that horrible thing you just said that's that's what really got to me Just like an arcade stick. I also like the idea He's already he's already not a video game. So mommy. Why not hit his own, you know, they do totally different things, but I guess once you start masturbating

Anything that is like vaguely penis shaped goes out to window. You're like who needs this? I mean, I mean, I mean, maybe there is a joystick that works with an up and down motion on the shaft of the stick I don't know most of them you kind of push forward and pull back, but oh man, I don't know Matt's looking for an exit. So he's just about to reunite with his parents. They got to go in for that legal hug when the hitman is waiting and he shoots and that gunshot wakes North up from his sleep.

He was just dreaming. He's sitting in that giant chair that he was sitting at earlier. He had clearly fallen asleep after his talk or possibly before the talk, I don't care, with Bruce Wallace before. And he realized this whole movie that you watch was all a dream, all that racist shit, that's in his head.

I mean, the fact is, if a little kid doesn't know, it only knows what the media has told him about types of people that he has not himself encountered. So maybe that is an excuse for the racism of the movie that this kid is actually racist. It's not, and Rob Reiner should run out at that point on screen and say, see, it's not me who's racist, it's North who's racist.

No, no, no. I mean, sure, I thought his story was something that needed to be told for some reason, even though there's barely any like personal Development by anyone in it. It's just Some but then the moral is I guess be happy with what you have yeah, and he's like it's like when it's like when Brute when Brad Pitt Breets up Bruce Lee and once about time in Hollywood. It was that character's fantasy. It didn't isn't actually intended to be real Yeah, I

Except that that's the reason why but then why would it is fantasy does he wreck that lady's car which hurts his career. I don't understand Stewart. Hold on a second. Because he needs it. He needs to justify why his career is wrecked by things that are not or kind of his fault, but also kind of cool

right to. OK. Now how do you explain the fact that they continue to torture the the Manson family, even after the Manson family have long stopped being a threat and are now the victims of what Leonardo DiCaprio and bread-pitter doing. I'm not excusing the whole movie. Rob Reiner is not excusing the whole movie. The last man to draw Brian Ronson goes, I know that this woman is now blind and is drowning in a pool.

Leonardo DiCaprio did not need to set Ron fire as well. But look, it's Leonardo DiCapriorio who's mean not Quentin Tino certainly this he doesn't approve of everything his characters do for our for our more sensitive listeners let me assure you that Stewart is deep in the well of irony right now yeah yeah okay uh so Bruce Willis is there and he's like up this kid still sleeping I guess I'll give him a ride home uh... and north c's parents there have to see another another another moment where store it was worried this might become a

another very special episode but he just gives a right bruce willis's desire in this fan to ironic fantasy joke to be a sexual predator on film is not more now thank you everyone for your straight again this is not something I'm saying the real Bruce Willis wants is something that this fictional version of Bruce Willis that we've created purely for the existence of a bit.

That's what he wants. Anyway, so Rod Rider runs out in the podcast now and goes, it's not the flop house hosts who are gross. It's this fictional version of Bruce Willis. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Anyway, go see the American president. Ha ha ha ha ha. He'll have to last you the next few decades, because I'm not gonna make anything else good.

I'm gonna look up his movies and see what it's see if there's anything. I mean, he made like primary, no, he didn't make that. Those mic nicles never mind. So credits roll, baby. Everybody's happy. Oh, he did you primary color. There you go.

That's an okay movie. Oh no, he's in it. Never mind. He didn't direct it. Got, sorry, continue. Okay, so that's the end of the movie. That's an okay movie. Oh no, he's in it. Never mind. He didn't direct it got. Sorry, continue. Okay. So that's the end of the movie. That's the whole thing. North gets back with his family. He realizes mistake all along. Cugs his parents and that's the end. They miss him because of course they would. He's been gone all day. And he gets the wrong message, which is when he needs their attention, he just needs to disappear for a while. So, okay, the last Rob Reiner movie

that I have any memory of existing is the bucket list in 2007. Oh, I forgot that was a Rob Reiner movie. Now, let us go through his next one, two, three, four, five, six, seven movies, and I'll ask you whether you have any memory or knowledge of this movie. There's a movie called Flipped in 2010.

Got to assume it's about house buying and selling. Uh, yeah. Or some kind of a parkour chain of being shipped. Oh, there's, yeah. I was gonna say it's like the flipper reboot. Yeah, yeah. Flipper is cool now. He's flipped.

There's a TV movie called Eight. Then there's the magic of Belly. We call it Eight and a Half. Yes, the people that, before the, the whole movie is, is, is, is, Martell, most of you are only trying to and a half. Yes, the whole movie is, is Martel Musturion trying to find a half. It's a movie about a California's Proposition eight.

Oh, okay. We got the magic of Bell Isle that has Morgan Freeman in it, do not recall. Don't know that this feels like a movie that a poster that would be in the background of a movie where Morgan Freeman plays an actor. Yeah. I don't know anything about it.

There's a film called And So It Goes. Big stars here, Michael Douglas and Diane Keaton do not recall this film being Charlie. And then what do we got after being Charlie? We got LBJ and shock and awe. Wait, it is being Charlie, the sequel to that charade remake that John and the Demi made. I was drew the bunch, Charlie. They're unrelated.

I do vaguely remember this LBJ. Yeah, LBJ remember. I remember when it came out. Woody Harrelson is in it. So that one I have vaguely heard of. The rest, you could have made them all up and I would have had no idea. Being Charlie sounds like the next iteration

of Charlie Kaufman's career where he's just making movies about himself just completely, he's like, I'm not even, I'm not even pretending the movie is about anything else. It's just about me. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, the end of this movie, so this is a big comedy movie, right? Lots of gags, lots of jokes. You'd expect to end on some kind of a big joke. It ends on like the the nearest whipper of,

literally you watch, you're looking at their house and you hear them go, okay, North, get into your pajamas and we'll make you something to eat, North goes, okay, and that's the end of the movie. Like, fade to black. Fades of black. It was like, did they, I was watching it and I was like, did they lose the end of the movie. Like, Vade to Black. Vade to Black, and it was like, did they, I was watching it, and I was like, did they lose the end of the movie?

Like, did they lose the last five seconds? I also feel like, Jason Alexander, like he delivers the final land. I don't remember what exactly it is, but he delivers it as if he thinks that there's more to come. Like, like he doesn't realize this is the end. He's just kind of trailing off. Now, he's expecting a big moment, like Kevin McAllister,

shoveling dirt on the grave of the wet bandits. Like at the end of home alone. Yeah, and the original ending of home alone with the parents drive up, just as Kevin is burying the man, the man that ex-rated cut that only played in Europe. Just like when I was a kid and everyone was like, oh yeah, there's an R-rated Wiley Coyote cartoon where he catches the Roadrunner and kills him. And I was like, I got to see this cartoon. Turns out it doesn't exist. Because why would

you make it? It's not the point of the Wiley Coyote cartoons. He would catch him eventually. Yeah, and when you're talking about their dumb. You actually found that videotape and then a boulder fell on top of your head. Well, I saw the roadrunner run into the video store where the tape was, and I ran after him, but it was just painted on a rock. So I just flattened against it. Not the country of rock, but the, you know, actually. Okay, well let's do our final judgments,

whether this is a good bad movie, a bad bad movie, or a movie you kind of like. At the beginning, I almost thought, oh, maybe this is a good bad movie because like First I don't know like this is a short movie. It's less than 90 minutes long Although it feels interminable like the first 30 minutes. I'm like oh, I could see Enjoying this is a good bad movie just because it is so poorly calculated like you're kind of baffled that it exists But then like it gets both more offensive and just more boring.

And you know, I was having a lot of trouble paying attention by the end, so I would not recommend anyone watching this. It's bad, bad. Anyone else raring to go? No, I would also call it a bad, bad movie. It's not very good. Yeah, I mean, I had, I don't know like it was, I was not particularly enjoying it. And then he got to Texas and I'm like, okay, maybe we're going to see some actors that I have affection for doing some kind of fun stuff. And then it all went down. It all got worse. So no thanks. It takes a, it takes a very steep drop. It doesn't start from a high point, but after those, yeah, those first 20 minutes, it takes a very, a very steep drop. And then, I don't know about

you guys, but when he wakes up at the end and it's all a dream, like I get actively angry. Like, uh... But he does find in his pocket the magic coin that cowboy Bruce Willis gave to him Which otherwise plays almost no role in the entire movie so that's right Maybe it wasn't all a dream although clearly it was it doesn't make any sense So I don't I do think I do think it is kind of funny because it is all a dream like when you look at it again When you rewatch it you're like okay, so this what actually happens in this movie is this self-pitying overachiever has a one bad dinner, he goes to the mall,

he takes a nap and he goes home. That is the sum of the exact same. He takes a nap at this room. And everybody just walks by, this sleeping kid and is like, fuck it. Yeah, okay. They close all around. We're turning off all the lights.

Nobody, you're, Easter Bunny, Bruce Willis, you're gonna lock up and you go tonight from the mall. Yeah, yeah. I was disturbed that don't disturb the unattended child who's sleeping in the mall. Like, leave. I mean, don't turn on the chopping mall robots tonight. Yeah. I worked in it when I worked in the mall. We didn't have that rule.

If there's any children sleeping in your store, you have to let them continue. Because you know children, the sleepwalkers, If you wake them up, it could kill them. You just have to let children sleep as long as you can. Wait, is that what would happen to the guy who falls asleep and then becomes sleepwalker, the superhero? No, when he falls asleep, it allows sleepwalkers to enter the waking. But what if you wake him up? Does he die or does sleepwalker die? I think sleepwalker just gets pulled back into so he doesn't. Don't it? Until the next house. Yeah. What would happen to the sleep walkers from the movie sleep

walkers? I mean, they do die eventually. That's true. And I do. I'm also not sure why they're called sleep walkers since their cat people. So it doesn't. They play that that song sleep walk a lot in the movie. That explains it. Monster monsters are often the names are denoted by what salt by what classic instrumental rock they play I think it's because they were like can we be cat people? They're like nope There are already movies called that I this is a movie that to honest, a movie about a kid who is mad at their parents,

goes and takes a nap, and then comes back. That's basically the movie, Little Fugitive, which is a great movie. That's a fantastic movie. But it's a movie about a kid wandering around like Coney Island basically, and then returning home. And it's like, I wish they had made that movie, but instead they filled it with all the whimsical stuff. But here's the thing, North sometimes gets a rough shake.

And I just want to point out, on the goofs section of North's IMDV pages is factual errors. Despite providing an extensive definition of Borscht, the movie fails to acknowledge the fact that it's a soup, so it's mostly liquid and unsuitable for distribution via cartons. Guys, I'm sure inside those boxes there were cans of borched. So let's take out somebody going on, I have to be and say this is incorrectly labeled as a goof. There's a perfectly good explanation for why you would have crates of borched. There's inside the crate, there's borched in some other container. It's not like cans of soup are just delivered in enormous cans.

You have boxes of cans of soup. Yeah, giant grums, yeah. Plus it's all a dream anyway. So as far as North knows, again, anything that's bad, you can just blame North. That's true. So that's any... North doesn't understand the concept of forage. Everyone of these goops, like for here, it says, when North's Alaskan family is walking their grandfather to the shore, the ceiling of the studio of the scene is filming. It is filming, it's filming, it's, it's,

it's North Stream. In his dream, it was taking place in the studio. It's all North Stream. He thought Alaska had a ceiling. North was an idiot. What can you say? Errors in geography. When North is being chased

through a New York airport, he passes the neon eagle on the wall. The seagull is in the Los Angeles airport. North doesn't know airport signs. It's North Stream. Rob Reiner jumps out on the IMDB page. It's North, blame North. I'm fine. I didn't make the mistakes North did. Yeah,

I'll my own my critiques about I think Rob Reiner just sent me a text and it says all the critiques about Bruce Willis's accent or bullshit. That's how North believes he talks. I Love the idea of the director. Thanks for the text. I've never responded to him. A director saying the movie is all a dream so that he can blame the character for the problems with the movie. We did the best with what we could. We were stuck with North's dumb dream. OK, we tried to make it into a good movie.

Glamed North. You try to make a movie out of a 10-year-old's dream. It's not easy. It's not easy. It's not easy. It's not easy. It's not easy. It's not easy.

It's not easy. It's not easy. It's not easy. It's not easy. It's not easy. It's not easy. We have wasted this world. Our magic put a storm in the sky that has rendered the surface of our planet uninhabitable. But beneath the surface, well that's another story entirely. In a city built leagues below the apocalypse, survivors of the storm forged paths through a strange new world. Some seek salvation for their homeland above. Others seek to chart the vast undersea expanse outside the city's walls. And others still seek what else, fortune and glory. And others still seek what else fortune and glory Dive into the ETHERC the latest campaign from the adventure zone every other Thursday on maximum fun dot org or wherever you listen to podcasts

The 2021 pin sale has begun. Thank you so much to everyone who participated in the max fund drive This is the last year for a while that we'll be doing pins for Max Fund Drive and the fifth year that we'll be selling pins and donating all proceeds to charity. The past year proved what we already knew, that having access to the internet at home is an necessity for work, school, healthcare, and keeping in touch with family and friends. So the proceeds from this year's PIN sale will go towards everyone on, a nonprofit working to bridge the digital divide. We're grateful that with your support, we'll be able to help low-income folks gain access to affordable computers, internet services, and digital literacy programs. The sale will run until May 28th. Folks at the $10 monthly level and above will have access to all of the pins from the drive. That's 38 pins, one from every show in the network.

We also have a special 2021 Max Fun Drive pin that all members can purchase. Go to maximumfun.org slash pin sale for more info and to learn more about everyone on and support them directly, you can go to everyoneon.org. You can go to everyoneon.org. The Flophouse is sponsored in part by Squarespace. With Squarespace, you can turn your cool idea into a new website. You can blog or publish content.

You can sell products and services of all kinds, and much, much more. And Squarespace does this by giving you beautiful customizable templates created by world-class designers with everything optimized for mobile right out of the box, a new way to buy domains and choose from over 200 extensions and free and secure hosting. So go to squarespace.com slashflop for a trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code flop to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hey, Dan, I had an idea for a website and I was wondering if Squarespace would be able

to help me with setting it up. Cause I think- I bet they would, but lay it on me. I bet they could do. It's called, are my kids dreamsraces.com? And it would be your place on the internet where for a small fee or maybe a membership. Maybe it's a membership in case your kids have a lot of dreams.

You would type up a description of your kids dreams. You would send it to our dream analysis experts and they would tell you whether your kid has, you know, whether there's some subconscious is not treating people like equals the way they should or is churning through kind of outdated or offensive cultural stereotypes and nothing start types. So we would share these dreams around the office and laugh at them like can you believe a racist this kid is but you don't have to worry about that. It's never going to come out in public.

That's just the kind of stuff any place that looks at personal. If you don't think that the people who are developing your photos at the mall, aren't looking at your pictures and laughing at them, of course they are. Anyway, so that's, are my kids dreamsracist.com, and it's probably going to be brought to you by Mattel. So do you think this course space would be able to make that into a website? I guess I'm not thinking. It's an interesting pivot for Mattel, but yeah. They've been wanting to move out of the toy space and into the kid's psychology space for quite some time.

Yeah. So yeah. Oh, great. I haven't pitched it to Mattel yet, but I figured I'll get the website up and running, slap their name on it, and then see if they have a problem with it. Yeah. Stuart, I mean, it's better to ask for forgiveness

than beg for permission, right? Exactly. Yeah. I believe Stuart, you to ask for forgiveness then beg for permission right? Mm-hmm exactly. Yeah. I believe Stuart you have a jumbo trying to read then. What's that coming as well? What's that coming from the sky? It's a Jo Jo Jo Jo jumbo draw. I can hear that jumbo tron siren in the background. Yeah. Woo woo woo. Okay.

Stuart and Stephanie is a scripted narrative podcast that reverses the gay best friend trope, exploring the friendship between a hopelessly single straight man and an impulsive gay woman as they navigate the world of modern dating. It's like a reverse will in grace, except it's not on TV, and you can only listen to it. If nothing else, fans of the flop house will enjoy how the name reminds them of Stuart Wellington. I know I'm excited about it, so search for Stuart and Stephanie on iTunes and subscribe. And Elliot, I believe you have a personal jumbo tron.

I've got a very personal jumbo tron. This is a message for Joel and it's from Will. And the message is Happy Birthday Joel from Will. Thank you for being my brother and for making it through a rough 2020. And thank you for introducing me to this podcast, which has helped us both understand our personalities. I'm a Dan, you're an Elliott,

and we're both aspiring stewards. Dune Tom Broca forever. And in case you were Joel and you have a brother who's named Will and you're not sure if this is for you or not, Joel's birthday is May 24th. So if you're a Joel who has a brother named Will and you're birthday is May 24th, then happy birthday from your brother.

Happy birthday. Happy birthday. You all got any personal plugs before we move the shim along? Hey guys, maniac of New York continues its rampage through the comic book stores and also the streets of Fiction of New York. And by streets, I mean subway system. Maniac of New York number four should be on store shelves.

Now, if it hasn't sold out yet, and number five, the final issue of this first series comes out on June 9th, and then maybe there will be more in the future. So that's number five on June 9th, there will be more in the future. So that's number five on June 9th and then maybe more in the future. Maybe after New York, after shot comics. It's a comic. Go buy it in the convict store. Yeah, it's great. That's it. That's all my Okay, well let's move on to letters from listeners. Listeners like you. Hey, how you doing?

Oh, you know. You're pretty damn good. Oh, cool. Lizard. Letters. Okay. Rich, last name withheld. Right.

What was that about? Why was Dan's letter intro so awkward? There was something creepy about what just happened. Or am I wrong? Was I alone in feeling like Dan was being kind to weird with the letters? Is it possible Dan slept with the letters? And now things are kind of weird between them,

but he's trying to play it off by seeming like it's not weird, like he's not awkward, but becomes more awkward because it is awkward. Dan, I think you gotta tell us what happened between you and the letters, letter segment. Thank you. So moving on to the letters, this is Rich Lesbany with Held. Who writes? So we have a general rule in our house.

If you want to recount an interesting dream you've had, you need to do it in 30 seconds or less. Otherwise it just turns into a sequence of sentences like, so I was in your house, but it wasn't really your house, etc. For example, I had a dream this week I was watching televised curling, but the name of the sport had been changed from curling to Jonathan Frakes. They even had Jonathan Frakes doing color commentary, leading to sentences like, if they want to keep the hammer, they really need to Jonathan Frakes that into you, Jonathan Frakes. What is your most memorable celebrity-based dream that

can be recounted while staying within the 30 seconds of interest rule. Thanks for being a bright light in my life during an otherwise awful year, rich lasting with hell. I forget dreams right away. And you guys may as well. So I, you know, if you if you can't remember any, I would say probably the one that springs to mind is the most recent, which obviously is gonna be walk into dangerous horny territory because you know, pandemic and everything. But there was a, there was a,

there was a, explain how those concepts are related. I don't know, that, you know, the virus is, it's horn to it up Mr. President there's a new COVID variant that makes people intensely horny I'm just trying to blame it's like Rob Reiner blame everything I'm sure our writer jumps out it's stewards dream everybody don't blame him. It was a

The so good guy. I'm liberal. Come on. But there is a picture going around the internet a little bit ago of Glenn Howardton and Christina Hendrix that is very horny. And I don't know, seeing it a couple of times, just burned in my brain and I had this very intense dream

where Christina Hendrix kept touching me and I was like, ma'am, ma'am, what is happening? So that was, yeah, that was my most recent celebrity dream. Stuart signing off. Okay, from the world or... Yeah, I've been trying to wreck my brain. I don't have one. If you guys don't, we can move along, but I just wanted to get the, I like the Jonathan Freaks curling. I'll admit that that was the primary enjoyment from the letter for me.

I mean, I'll mention, I have, I, these days I forget my dreams pretty much as soon as I wake up to, but there are two celebrity dreams, I guess, that I remember. One is just, I remember dreaming that I had somehow become the head writer for a show hosted by Milo Uenoppelis, and he was yelling at me, where's the script? And I was like, I hate you. Why am I working on this show? How did I get into this? Why would I ever agree to work on this? And the other was, I actually had a dream last night, the night before recording

this, where a certain comedian who's offset behavior had gotten him canceled but who previously had done a you know a big TV show and stuff like that. He had decided that he needed to make a movie that was his statement on race relations in America. And it was me watching the movie being like nobody needed this. Why did people, why are people in this movie? Why did he, why did he feel the need to make this movie? And everything about the movie was super tone deaf. And so I guess I only have dreams about celebrities who are problematic celebrities. I don't want to deal with.

And they show up in my dreams. So don't blame me, Rob Reiner, help me with this. Don't blame me, it's my dream. You process all your problematic faves through your dreams, these strange dreams. Yeah, I mean, otherwise my dreams that I remember seem to be me hanging out with people I haven't talked to in a long time.

And it's almost like my subconscious reminding me, like these are friends of yours, like you should get in touch with them. What are you doing? You haven't talked to them in a long time, which is a handy thing for a dream to do, you know. Good, thank you, Dr. I'm not, I don't remember my dreams these days very much either.

So I don't, I, the only, I don't think he counts. The Spider-Man count is a celebrity. Yes, I do. I have dreams. I think so you there. So I don't, I, the only, I don't think he counts. The Spider-Man count as a celebrity. I have dreams. I think so. Okay. Okay. Yeah, I do have Spider-Man for reasons. Okay.

I do sometimes have dreams that involve Spider-Man and like swinging around with Spider-Man. Still to this day. So you're not Spider-Man, but you're like friends with Spider-Man. No, I'm like his sidekick. That's amazing. I mean, but I, I mean, but I can swing with it. Oh, awesome.

Do you have a costume or you're just wearing street clothes? Street clothes. Okay, but I have web shooters. I mean, that's amazing. That sounds like a great dream. I would love to have that. They are very pleasurable dreams when they happen. I have far too many dreams where I am doing a job that I haven't done in years and the

work needs to be done right away and I don't have it ready. Like that's most of the dreams I remember. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I used to have bartender stress dreams all the time where it's like four in the morning and people keep coming in I'm like no, we're closing, but they don't listen. It's basically the movie mother but That's the part of the scariest part for me in the movie mother is when she keeps telling them not to sit on that sink and they keep sitting on it. It breaks off the wall. It makes me so, I got so tense.

The same way that the scariest part in the movie, phone booth to me is when he's in the phone booth and he's on the phone and there are people outside the booth yelling at him. And it's like, my attention is being pulled into many directions at once. This is very stressful. Yeah.

Yeah. Man. Well, yeah, man. Well, we have another letter. And it is from Chris last name withheld. Who wrote me? Garth Brooks is alter ego. Dear Chris Polone. Dear time traveling Dan McCoy, I'm a donor

in playing an old episode. I was surprised to be accused of trying to skip the maximum fun drive pitch, especially since I was listening to an episode from an old maximum fun drive. Not only did you fail to catch me on an actual attempt to skip out of the pitch, you one fairly subjected me to extra. Time travel power should only be used for good, never for evil. Would you like to apologize for treating me so poorly?

Of course, this is in reference to we did some dynamic insertions before our old episodes, who Matt is doing some face takes, these ways, it just means that we put in a reminder, reminders and old programs about the drive, but I would like to take this opportunity, yes, to apologize to you, a dedicated supporter for the accusation, and thank everyone again for their support of the network and of

our show in particular. But I'm sorry, Chris, you got caught up in my net of danger and entry. Yeah, I don't know. Like Dennis Miller in the net. The sentence, so I just went on. All right, well, now let us recommend some movies to you, things that will almost certainly be more rewarding than watching North. I haven't watched anything that like I

I loved lately. I you know I was watching a lot of stuff that I'm like oh this you know this appeals to me as my interest like I watched that Liam Neeson movie Honestly if I'm like I'm not expecting a lot out of the late period Liam Neeson action movie and I got it. He said honest thief. Oh yeah. But so I'm gonna go further back to something I didn't watch recently but I remember loving and that is out of the past, the classic film noir, it's got Robert Mitchem, Jane Greer and Kirk Douglas, Weta Cast, directed by Jacques Turner who did cat people which was invoked earlier in the episode. I watched with a zombie, great director, a very poetic feeling film noir if that's your sort of thing. Stuart why don't you give a

recommendation? Sure I'm gonna recommend a movie that was kind of partially recommended when we had Barbara Crampton on. I just watched her new movie, Jacob's Wife, which is a vampire movie, kind of a suburban monster story, kind of a play on Salem's Lot, or Fright Night, with a kind of a splash of the Santa Clarita diet thrown in there. And Barbara Crampton is the lead and her husband is played by Larry Fessenden. And they're both great. And Barbara Griv's gives a great performance. If you like kind of small, but also kind of bloody, thoughtful horror movies, give it a shot. I posted a dumb picture of me pretending to talk to a big cartoon of Donald Duck on the flop house, the flop house Instagram story and Barbara Crampton replied to it with a

little laughing emoji. So I'm glad that she continues to follow us and check in. It doesn't seem to regret it yet. Yeah, I'm glad that her new movie has been creating such good reviews. Elliott, what do you have? I'm going to recommend speaking of bad parents, like in North, I'm going to recommend a movie about a real bad dad.

As regular listeners may know, I am still hip-deep in the criterion channels, check new wave collection of movies Took a break to watch a different movie that was not a check new wave movie That was a mistake so I ran right back to my beloved check new wave and I want to recommend the cremator Directed by George hers and I pronounce the names and starting Rudolph Husinski And this is a movie set in Prague in the 30s the movie is from 1969 But it's set in Prague in the 30s. The movie is from 1969, but it's set in Prague in the 30s where this cremator,

the guy who's a professional crematorium worker, he is slowly losing his mind as he becomes obsessed with this kind of strange combination of Tibetan Buddhism and Nazism as the Nazi parties are merging as more and more of a force and threatening the country more and more. And it's a very Alfred Hitchcock-y type of movie as this guy descends into violent madness under the influence of these things, believing the whole time that he is really doing the

best that he can to protect his family, which means to horrifying results for everybody. But it's a really cool looking movie. It's super creepy and super suspenseful. Kind of from Moment One, like there's a lot of movies where there's suspense scenes and creep scenes and then kind of like, breathers. And this one is not. It's just straight creepy for the entire two hours.

And I thought it was really good. It's a movie that check us the block, he had entered for the Academy Awards for Best Foreign Language, but it was not accepted as a nominee, probably because it was too scary. So that's the cremator. And Matt, as a professional film critic,

you get the headliner slot. Would you like to recommend? Actually, mine is also. film critic you get the headliner slot. Would you like to recommend? Um, actually my- You're not legally allowed to recommend Jim Carter. Okay, well let me hold on, let me find something else really quick to do. My recommendation, I also watched on the Criterion channel, but a very

different movie. It is multiple maniacs, which is John Waters first. I don't think it's his first movie, but it's like his first sound feature with like sync sound and everything. I had never seen it. I'm a John Waters fan and I saw that on there. And it's great. It's a little rough around the edges, but I mean, that's kind of... it's not the glossy polished corporate product we expect from general Exactly it's actually so to yes, but I mean in his movies that always you know that that adds a lovely texture And this one I mean it's it's it's a variation on a theme. It's sort of a kind of a

Kind of a dry run for pink flamingos and in some ways and divine is the star and is great and it's just you know It is the the shock Trash kind of stuff you you want from John Waters. I just thought it was quite horrifying and delightful and I don't want to spoil the end of the movie, but a giant lobster is involved just randomly out of nowhere Which I thought was really really wonderful. So yeah, I was like this is totally awesome. If you like John Waters movies and you've never seen it, it's totally, it's very much on par with all of his other great stuff. So yeah, it's on and it's on Criterion Channel and it looks amazing. Like apparently the I remember like the

movie was very hard to find for years and years, because it was so obscure and he made it on, I think, 16mm, and just supposedly for decades, the movie was sitting in his attic or something. And the Criterion collection restored it. It looks astonishingly good for that sort of thing, and it sounds really good. And yeah, it's a fun time on the Criterion channel so yeah multiple maniacs nice and that was that was start that was doing the groundbreaking work that eventually led to 10,000 maniacs they just they started with multiple and they was like can we have more than one maniac it went maniac multiple maniacs 10,000 maniacs and now the sky is the limit when it comes to maniacs and I mean

everything and how are you going to to keep all those maniacs in line? That's right, maniac cop or maniac cop too. Yeah. I want to know how all those maniacs, you know, afforded maniac mansion because that, you know, it seems like you wouldn't be able to hold down a job to buy a big mansion. But just to clarify, can you see all those maniacs?

So there there's will may they're all invisible maniacs. Okay, yeah, that's that must be it. Yeah, that's why they can dance on the like they've never dance before as maniacs on the floor. X is invisible. So it doesn't matter. They can dance like nobody is watching because they can't see them. And where they're going to go out dancing.

That's right. New York City home of the maniac of New York. Oh, that's right. Glad we could get this around to a plug for me. But anyway, we don't need to get it now. Speedy plugs. So Matt, thank you so much. We want to get back to your family.

I don't care about getting Elliot back to his family. Wow. This is his job. But you as our special guest, before we go, is there anything you want to plug at all? Well, people can read Screen Crush. That's where I'm working. Most days Screen Crush, if.com.

You mentioned at the very beginning, that's my Spider-Man book. It is still available. It's called Spider-Man. I should really know the name of my own book. I think it's from Amazing To Spectacular. From Amazing To Spectacular. Yes. Spider-Man from Amazing To spectacular. He's from amazing to spectacular.

Yes. Spider-Man from amazing to spectacular. The definitive comic art collection is a very long title. And I was, I was like, yeah, that's like a history of Spider-Man comics. Bicke Winstonance, I was looking at that very book with my children this morning. I was, I was like, they were up.

It was way too early on a Sunday. And I said, you guys want to look at pictures of Spider-Man in this book and they said, yes. And so we were just flipping through it and having a you guys want to look at pictures of Spider-Man in this book And they said yes, and so we were just flipping through it and having a great time Just looking at pictures of Spider-Man, but it's a good it's a good book to read to they were not reading it They were just you know picture looking at but Well, I drew all the pictures They say Steve did go in John Ramida and all those folks, but really it was me Wow, you're welcome. You're welcome as one of the guys.

Well, thank you once again to our listeners for listening and supporting us. Thank you to MaximumFun. Go to MaximumFun.org to check out all the other great shows on the network. I listened to several of them myself. And Tweet about us, spread the word. If you like the show, try and share it with others.

Don't push it on other people. Maybe they don't want to listen to it. That's fine. But there's a reason I refuse to read my kids' green eggs in ham because the lesson of that book is, if someone says no, keep pushing it until they break down, and I say no. So with the flop house, if you say, hey, you like they break down and I say no. So with the flop house, if you say,

hey, you like this podcast and I say no thanks, just say, okay, go about your business, sir, and just cut off all ties with that person. Yeah, but we appreciate it that you thought to try. But anyway, for the flop house, I'm Dan McCoy. Hey, and I'm Stuart Wellington, and real quick, I wanna do an extra double thank you to Jordan Cowling for handling all this stuff, producing our show, making it sound much better than it sounds right now. Yeah. I'm Ellie Kalen. Sorry. I didn't know Stuart's dead yet. I'm also Ellie Kalen.

And I met Singer. I was told the same my name last. Kelly Kaelin. And I'm Ed Singer. I was told to say my name last. And I'm Rob Reiner. And if you didn't like anything this episode, it's North Stream. It's not these. It's not these guys fault. Look, they didn't know what they were saying.

It's North. Blame North. It was North's fault. As Rob Reiner's being pulled away by the insane asylum attendants and the white coats, it was North. I tell you. North. North. I put that up mostly because it looks so empty behind me.

Okay. Now it's full of bison. Oh, okay. M-bison. M-bison. Huh?