The Flop House - Ep. #415 - Gigli, LIVE from SF Sketchfest!

Episode Date: February 3, 2024

In case you hadn't heard through one of our many annoying-but-necessary-to-our-livelihood plugs, The Flop House has been on tour! That's why, instead of getting a normal Flop House mini, on this mini-saturday, you're getting this slightly-shorter FULL EPISODE! Recorded live at Cobb's Comedy Club (who were so nice to us) as part of San Francisco Sketchfest, here's our discussion of legendary 2003 megabomb, Gigli!

On this episode we discuss Gilly! Live from San Francisco, sketch fest! Thank you for providing proof to the audience at home there. There's no way that we could have just stuck that noise in. You can't add fake crowd noise. It's illegal. It's illegal. Yeah, there's no way that we could have just stuck that noise in. You can't add fake crowd noise. It's illegal. It's illegal. It's illegal.

Pass the law, Dan. The FDA would not approve. Thanks, Biden administration. Those are pretty lengthy notes, dude. I'm sure you're going to get through this one. We'll do what we can. Thank you to Cobb's Comedy Club. We are here in San Francisco.

We are talking about Gile, which starts with Mr. Ben Affleck. Now, we don't have a lot of time, so I'm not going to interrupt Dan and mention that Cobb's Comedy Club is named after the funniest salad. Dan, continue. We just don't have time for it. So Dan, continue. So Dan, you picked G. Lee because it had nothing problematic in it, right? It's just a simple open and shut, kidnapping case. You know, honestly, we talked about,

like, what should we talk about on this tour? We've never had Gili. Why didn't we do you have Gili? And then I'm like, oh, right. There's some terrible stuff in there. Challenging material on this one. Luckily it's in the hands of Damicoid. Gili starts with Mr. Ben Affleck talking directly to us,

the audience. We think this is him as Larry Gilly. Turns out he's talking to someone he is stuffed in a dryer because we've learned that he's a mob collection man. Of course, the natural casting for a Italian mob collector, Mr. Ben Affleck, the Beantown bad boy. He played a regent of France recently in medieval times. He can do anything.

Look, he's grown into a terrific actor. Thank you. How could they cast this man who's not actually Batman to play Batman? I would argue that Affleck is doing what he can with an impossible role. I will give him that in this one with Batman. Well, maybe both. Okay.

So we he's outside later on in Santa Monica Boulevard with his boss, Lewis in beautiful Los Angeles. Guys, I forgot what city we were in. Jesus. I forgot what city we were in. Jesus. Panda correctly. Now, he explains early on, my name is Gile at Rhymes with really, which, so, when I was trying to watch Gile, of course, I didn't want to, you know, I'm a modern man, I don't want to have to type in Gile. I want to be able to just talk.

That's five whole letters. It's five letters. Who has the time? I want to talk to my remote. Your hands are busy. Calm down. Calm down. He's just eating a big sandwich. I want to just be able to talk to my remote.

So I was talking to the Apple TV. I mean, giley, giley, nothing. My wife Audrey says, could you just give it to me? And she goes, giggly. Immediately it comes up. And I would argue that this is problem one of a troubled film. Yeah. Immediately it comes up and it's like, you want to buy this, right?

And you're like, okay. Based on your viewing history. Louis asked Gilly to kidnap a family member of a guy who's bothering an associate of his in New York. Louis, did we mention who Louis is? Louis. The mob. The Weasley mob.

Who is it? I just don't know if we had mentioned that. I had just mentioned Louis. Elliot, this will go longer. Interrupting is going well. Yeah. So who's Julie? His name is G well. Yeah. So who's Gilead? His name is Giggly. So, you know, we got, so the person that he wants to kidnap is, he's in a mental home.

This is a character played by Justin Bartha. His name is... The guy who's always asleep in the hangover movie. The guy who's always asleep in the hangover movie or hanging off a moving van in national treasure. And he is playing in this role, someone with some sort of mental disability. Not, not, not sensitively, I don't think it's his fault, so much as the movie. His, he has what we would call sort of a movie mental disability where little bits and pieces of actual things are just sort of mixed together into a stew

of something that doesn't actually exist in life. But it's one of the fundamental issues with this film. Yeah, one of the two fatal flaws. The idea that like, oh, we're gonna love this guy who's kidnapping this, this, this. And calling him a variety of slurs. And yeah, yeah. So she leaves and I think he assaults him at one point. Yeah, it's not great. He kidnaps him. It's the plot of the movie. Yeah,

that's true. But he's lovable. So she leaves talking to Brian and he gets Brian to go with him by saying that he's on his way to the Baywatch and Brian Brian loves the Baywatch. Brian want keeps talking about how he wants to go to the Baywatch. And he's like, yeah, I'll take you to the Baywatch. And then he does do a bit where he keeps picking up, what is it, something in his car? He keeps picking up a flashlight to pretend he's a phone because, again, the movie

is treating this other character as if- You can get a fucking telephone that looks like a pair of lips, Ellie, and it makes sense to me. Or a football. In the world of the movie it works. This is like Garfield's torso. You're all missing the most baffling part of this. He pretends to talk on this flashlight, and then later on he uses his cell phone.

Oh yeah. He could have just pulled out his cell phone and pretended to have a conversation. But he's like, oh, the Baywatch is closed today? I guess you gotta come to my apartment. Okay, this is the hero of the movie. So, Gilly's apartment, where we're gonna spend most of this film. Brian says he wants to go home.

Gilly says he's gotta stay there. I will say this apartment is like an accurate representation of a weird single dude's apartment. In LA, especially, yeah. Like one lamp, there's no art on the walls. They make a point of time at how there's no books in the whole place at one point. Yeah. Yeah, if he wants to read a story, he has to read the back of a hot sauce bottle.

They should have to complete it. They should have just had a cutaway shot of how there's a plastic shopping bag hanging on a cabinet as a garbage can. Yeah. I feel like that's the sign of a single man's home. Why would I buy something to put trash in? I just throw it away anyway. I mean, for me, that's trash overflow.

You know, like once you filled up the main trash zone. Then you take the trash out. Rather than... Ha ha ha. Remember, I couldn't type in five letters. That's fair point. You're always eating those sandwiches. You're like, I can't take the trash out. That's fair point. You're always eating those sandwiches. I can't take the trash out. The sandwich is taking forever.

Ricky played by J.Lo, Jennifer Lopez, who, as we were saying before, Ben and Jennifer got together. Ben and for one. This is the first benefit. The first benefit. This is the only benefit to serve two non-consecutive terms. It's benefit.

Yeah. It was broken up by another benefit. Yeah. She, uh, she reveals that Lewis hired her to be sort of be a, you know, a second babysitter because he did not trust Gile. She's another con. Second babysitter would have been a way better name. He is so threatened by this affront to his masculinity

that immediately he starts being mean to Brian, who was actually treating with a fair amount of sensitivity before she showed up. But then he's like, I'm a man. Who can I dominate who's weaker than me? Yeah. They all have dinner together. It's clear that this is supposed to be this makeshift family unit,

which is, I guess, why they have made Brian the way he is. They were like, oh, we can't have Gili kidnap a child to have this family unit. So let's do this worse thing. Yeah, I would argue that they could have had him kidnap a child. A sassy kid and a mobster kidnaps him. But it's, I mean, it's literally the story of the ransom of Red Chief by O'Hanry. Like it's been done already.

Then you got to pay O'Hanry money. And he's got a lot of high-priced lawyers for most candy bar cash. And he needs a fucking story by credit. Yeah. And then he's like, you know who I really see directing this? It's M. Night Shyamalan. Like, we get it, you love twists. We understand, O'Hanry. What is it at the end, Gilly sold the kid in order to buy hairbrushes for Jennifer Lopez?

Gilly puts Brian to bed by, as you said, reading Tabasco about it, to him. He, you know, comes on to J. Lo by saying she can sleep in his bed. And he comes out in a robe and poses and he spends a lot of time posing. Yeah. He's like talking. He's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like,

he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he's like, he must figure he's halfway there, living on a prayer. Well, he does a lot of talking about who's the bull and who's the cow,

which will come back up again. There's two animal metaphors in this movie, and neither of them work. The bull and the cow one, and later one involving a turkey that we'll get to. But this is where we learned that Ricky... You chose this life, God. This is where we learned that Ricky... You chose this life, Dan. Ricky... Ricky says Gilly is not her type because she is a lesbian. Because this is the period in time where Ben Affleck only romanced lesbians on screen. With a surprising amount of success. Yeah. Second ruinous choice.

Like, I get from a screenwriting perspective what the movie thinks it's doing. It's, you know, like, Gilly is the toxic masculine guy who needs to be taken down by a woman who is his opposite number. But simply make her bisexual. That is a thing that exists in the world, and then it would make sense. You wouldn't be like, I'm angry now that you are telling me that Ben Affleck can turn every lesbian. But OK, Monday morning quarterback over here. I think that I've written some G. Lee fan fiction.

He's going to pass it out after the show. I told him not to. The thing is, and why do you include all these drawings he made? What's Goofy doing in here? You know what he's doing. He does? You're a grown-up.

You have kids. Yeah. He did. Goofy's just doing whatever you have to do to have kids. When you, the thing is, maybe they thought it was progressive because it kind of wins her over by spoiler becoming the softer, more subordinate one in the relationship. But we'll see how that happens. It's still dumb.

It's still dumb. Every once in a while, this movie will sort of electrify as a, a brilliant actor wanders on screen. And that happens for the first time here as Creepy Cop Christopher Walken comes in. And delivers a fucking acting clinic. Yeah. But is he supposed to be a Creepy Cop or he's a regular cop that Christopher Walken comes in and delivers a fucking acting clinic. Yeah, but is he supposed to be a creepy cop or he's a regular cop that Christopher Walken has

brought him? I think he's just a normal cop, but he happens to be played by Christopher Walken. And it is a little bit like his character from the dead zone, like figured things out and became a cop and but he's still him. Just before we walked out on stage, my wife revealed that when she was watching the movie, she noticed that when he stood up from a seated position, that his balls stuck on the chair longer than the rest of his pants, and I stumbled toward the entryway to the stage, shocked and not knowing what to do with myself.

But that's also why you got a spring for the 4K, because you lose details like that. That's the sort of detail you get otherwise. Are you mentioned Christopher Walken's best line? Yes, I'm getting there. But first we have to lay a little pipe here. Narratively, Christopher Walken explains that what is actually happening here is that Brian is the prosecutor's brother for a mob trial that's going on on the East Coast. The kidnapping is attempt to leverage this prosecutor. And so he's like, you wouldn't know anything about that.

And so he like sort of wanders around the room being menacing. And then at the end, I apologize. And drink from a coffee cup that's been emptied entire time. Yeah. Which makes it even scarier. What's he doing? Because you don't know if he knows or not. He's drinking the memory of coffee. I apologize because I do not have a great grace for walking, but I have to make some attempt at doing something here.

Do it. Thrend it, now you got a job on us. Don't make excuses. After Gilly claims he knows nothing, at the end of the scene, Walken goes, man, you know what I'd love to do right now? Go down to Marie Callendars, give me a big bowl. Pie some ice cream on it.

Mm, mm, good. I can't do it, I'm terrible. No, no, no, no, no, no. You keep going. The line's not over yet, the best part of the line is there. Put some on your head, your tongue would slap, No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, noough your brains out trying to get it. Like, he yells it. I had to pause and be like, what did he just say? I rewound it three times. It is.

He's saying nonsense, he's saying nonsense, but he's saying it suddenly so loud that I was like, what? Yeah, I'm going to, I'm just going to, you know, just to let us think again, I'm going to read it straight. The utter nonsense. Man, you know what I'd love to do right now? This is at the end of a scene where he's trying to intimidate them. This is the last, pretty much the last thing Christopher Walken says in the film.

Go down to Marie Callender's, get me a big bowl, pie, some ice cream on it, mmm-mmm, good. Put it on your head, your tongue would slap your brains out trying to get to it. Interested? Sure? And Gilead to his credit is like, no I don't want my tongue to slap my brains out of my head. Worst, best case scenario, I'm still sitting there with pie and ice cream on top of my head. Can my tongue not wait? I'm gonna, I have to put it in my mouth to use it. I'm not gonna tease my tongue, you don't get this. It's gonna go in my butt instead.

If you want this pie, you gotta go through me. And by me, it's my head. So they are naturally terrified at this point. I wish the movie then just followed Christopher walking around his day. Didn't do anything particularly dramatic, but just talked to everyone he runs errands with about that. Picking up my dry cleaning.

So they go in a car. Ah! Left a note in the pocket. Can't read it anymore. So they go in a car ride to get Brian out of the house. They go to this fast food place where some kids have a lot of music on. She really wants to fight them. Ricky says she'll take care of it.

And she does this scene where it's like she threatens to like she does this thing where she tries to intimidate them, what she does by threatening to rip their eyes out. It gives a long speech. It's a long speech. Partial arts. And there's this one specific way you can rip an eye out that then removes your memories of what you've seen at the same time.

This medieval alchemy medicine that she's purveying. That's one of these things that only works in a movie, because if there's one thing I know about unruly teens in real life is they would start laughing immediately. Instantly, instantly. If you want to stop some unruly teens from playing their music loud, put a hockey mask on, be six and a half feet tall,

kick that boombox out of the way, they get mad, show them your scarred zombie face under the hockey mask, they will leave. Only way it works. But she does it with her words, whereas Affleck, as he leaves, says, nice computer, breaks the computer, and says, suckmydick.com.

So. That was cutting edge at the time. The internet was pretty new. That illustrates the feminine and the masculine way to deal with conflict. Now he'd be like, at suckmydick.bluesky, whatever. That was the URL you used for your presentation, right? The back in the car, Gilly gets a call from his mom.

We cut to mom's house where Gilly is giving his mom a shot in her butt. It's Laini Kazan. It's Laini Kazan. Laini Kazan. From the Bratz movie and many other things, yeah. Inspiration for Big Barda, yeah, yeah, yeah. But Brian has to pee. So he and Ricky come into the house. And initially the mom is very excited by the idea that Gile is dating her.

But who would be international recording? Yes, she's, but J. Lo says, Oh, she's a lesbian and the mom now seems very interested, saying that sometimes men have their limitations and heavily implying past same-sex encounters of her own and getting very flirty with J.Lo. Yeah, this again, I would rather the movie was then about Lady Kazan trying to romance Jennifer Lopez. Better movie. So in this...

And her name's Geely too. You don't have to change the title. If that's what you were worried about, you printed the posters. I know. You don't have to change it. It's fine. Send millions of people around the country just put Laini Kazan's face over Ben Affleck's face on the posters. Now in this film, the next thing is... It's called a street team. Just send them out.

In this film, Rich with Incident. Nighttime. in this film rich with incident night time is she leaves a part that again Ricky is doing yoga for a long time for a long time slowly she Lee tries to convince that J.Lo tries to convince J.Lo that men are genetically designed to please women he tell you you know he that. This whole scene was a lot like what was going on in my hotel room this afternoon. Including me describing what, you know. Oh, okay.

Well, what happens next? Where Ricky then starts talking back, like talking about how great women are, women are saying that the things that you want to kiss, of course, are lips. You want to kiss lips, and the mouth is the twin sister of the vagina. But she says this. It's like, of course, her lips. You want to kiss lips, and the mouth is the twin sister of the vagina. But she says this...

It's like, calm down, Alan Moore. She says this in a... But Alan Moore would say it in Tarot Turn. Of course, the wand and the ball are doing, you know. She says this in several more words, slowly and breathily, while doing yoga. This is a long monologue. And I give J.Lo credit for being able breathily, while doing yoga. This is a long monologue. And I give J.Lo credit for being able to perform it while doing yoga without stopping and being like,

what am I doing? Yeah. Yeah. Audrey, who helped me take notes, has what I said at this point, which was, oh my god, the scene goes on forever. Yeah. Meanwhile, Lewis has called the apartment.

Brian picks up, Gilly comes in, he's like, what are you doing? And he's called because he wants Gilly to send Brian's thumb to the prosecutor to put a little more weight on him. If I had a nickel. Every time I have to send somebody a thumb. Next morning, a scene.

A thumb drive. A scene that is utter. I think I needed a thumb drive. I thought I was supposed to drive a thumb over Next morning, a scene that is utter... I think I did a thumb drive. I thought I was supposed to drive a thumb over to them. This explains a lot of reactions I've gotten lately. A scene happens that is... I can't interrupt Dan that much. We don't have a lot of time.

A scene happens that is utterly inexplicable in the movie's current form. Perhaps once we're done with the synopsis, we'll explain how this movie was greatly truncated from its original version. Dan did some original research of looking up the alternate versions listing on a IMDB, and he found some interesting information that will shock and to pull you.

The next morning, Brian is dancing to hip hop and Robin. Do we mention that Brian loves hip hop and is constantly floating it constantly? Robin, whose Ricky's ex-girlfriend walks in and fights with Robin and ends up slitting her wrists because she says that Ricky loves her and won't let her die. It's a strange interlude to quote the play. The title of the play?

The title of the play, yes. To quote death of a salesman. It truly was the death of a salesman. That salesman sure did die. Hey, the Iceman cometh in. Howdy, Iceman. Just leave it by the door. Oh, the ice. That's where it goes, right? Yeah, yeah, just next to your door to slowly melt in water just that one patch of lawn.

At the hospital, Robin will be okay. Thank goodness. Ever since that last scene when I met this character. I've been worried about her Lucky they're at a hospital though where the thumbs live because or rather don't They go to the mortuary they cut a thumb from a dead body They go to the least secure mortuary all you need is Jennifer Lopez to distract the guy on guard for the moment. I think that would work. Yeah.

Luckily, there's nobody else in there, but luckily, as we know from the movies, morticians love to eat while they work, so there is a takeout container with a plastic takeout knife, which somehow he manages to cut through a thumb with. Yeah. This is a thumb that's in a rigor mortis. It's harder to cut those.

Trust me, I drive a lot over, so. He's like, Brian, turn around, listen to your baby got back tape while I cut this thumb off. Now I'm at, for some reason when he said, it sounded like he said baby bop got back. I think of a kid's bop version of baby got back. Now we're back in the car. The other major location along with his apartment

where Gili- It could have been a play. Gili angrily tells Ricky that he's sad because she's gay and he likes her, which really seems to make things her problem, that should not be her problem. Back at his house. Like around now, she's like, why don't you go hang out with your friends and he's like, I don't have friends. He doesn't have books, he doesn't have friends.

What does this guy do to start the fucking wall? He, I think- Saw's off thumbs. Saw's hands off, yeah. I mean, the book is a best friend, sure, yeah. If you're a certain type of boy. Uh, Ricky tells Gile he has a lot of feminine feelings because of how he checks his nails.

Apparently men look at their nails, check their nails like this when they do it. It's a honestly, I don't know that I've done it a lot. This is for anyone who can't see Dan's hands. Yeah, I'm curling my fingers inward to look at them. As if he's grasping a big pickle. Yeah, and the feminine way is to sort of hold your... You hold it in your hand, palm out, as if to say, I've had enough pics, thank you.

Oh, look at those. No more pickle for me. Oh, no, no. I've had sufficient. Don't go closer. I don't even want to smell them. I've had so many. I'm trying to cut down on my sodium intake.

No, you know what? My doctor says I need more vinegar. Ring him over. And she asks if he's gay. And they kiss. I have a quote here, you need a woman, I got one. The movie's theory about lesbians is that if she's sufficiently feminized as Ben Affleck, he'll do, I guess.

And that she's... And that's tough in that Wilson's leather jacket he's always wearing. Yeah. The leather jacket that Wilson the volleyball wears? Yes. Is this where I... You're the one summarizing, Dan. You know, this is the one flaw in my notes.

I think this is where... It's the single flaw. Did you know? Otherwise, perfect. This is where I did not write in. You didn't write in the turkey part? It's turkey time, gobble. You know, I mean, again...

He bragged earlier that not only are his genitals genetically designed to give women pleasure, but that he's also way better at cunnilingus than any woman who ever existed, which is a ludicrous claim coming from any man, but kind of feels even more ludicrous coming from Ben Affleck. And that's when she says it's turkey time and he goes, what? Understandably says what? I mean, she says.

It's gonna take a long time to cook one of those. You can't just order one right now. Famously, you have to start frosting them the night before Thanksgiving. She says. If you're gonna brine them, it takes days. Yeah, you gotta brine it. Yeah.

It's turkey time, gobble gobble. Yeah. It's turkey time. Gobble, gobble. Yeah, which means that she wants to do it like the characters in the movie freaks, right? Because that's what they say to they say Google, gobble. Google, gobble. Oh, that's right. I'll Google gobble one of us. Thank goodness. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, and then they do I, I, I withdraw my objections. This is then they do it. We would withdraw my objections. This is Then they do it talked about this scene is gonna get weirder, but this is going in directions. I wasn't expecting but they do do it they do it which is sex and Earlier of course Affleck had as I said made a big deal about who the bull was who the. Now he goes moo to indicate that he has embraced

his submissive role. Yeah. If this was a different movie in most other ways, Uh-huh, yep. Okay. Then this would be the progressive, kind of sexually open-minded movie it thinks it is. But it is not.

But it also one of those things where it's like, all right, I'm willing to give, you can be on top. And the movie goers supposed to be like, he's learned something. Yeah. Wow. He's allowing her to commit the sin of Lilith. He truly has changed as a man.

After they, you know, poist-poist-codle. Yeah, poist-codle. It sounds like an old-timey football player. Oh, poist-codle? Post-coital. That's when poist-codle took the ball in for a 30-yard drive. And Navy beat Army. It's like, uh...

So what, the way a gangster who's talking about sex? Yeah, yeah, we were all poised total. That's the rabbit. They're lying in bed. Ricky tells Gilly that she will, of course, be leaving after the gig is over. Makes sense. Yeah. Lewis calls. He's angry. He tells the two of them to meet him, cut to, I mean there's some stuff in carbon. Who cares, cut to.

You talk about Sun-Zoo at some point, but I think that's a little... Yeah, it doesn't matter. Who cares? Al Pacino is now in the picture. Ha ha ha! You provide your other classic actor book idea. You hear about this ice cream and pie?

Who are? Al is monologuing about how the most intimidating thing is when someone doesn't give a shit. I think it's a slightly reserved Al Pacino here. I mean, for that period in Al Pacino's career, certainly. This must have been after he had the surgery on his vocal cords that allowed them to be quiet again. Mr. Pacino, I'm sorry, you have vocal loudening. Is it going to hurt my acting career?

With surgery and therapy, we think you might be able to talk at a reasonable conversational tone again. Oh, that's great news! Pacino asked Lewis if he wants to go to medical school and Lewis like medical school and Al Pacino. You're going to pay for it? Thank you. Shoots him in the head and says something like, they always need more dead bodies.

He is mad. The only problem is he didn't hear the punchline. Yeah. Now this scene is, this scene is, I like the scene for Al Pacino, but also because it makes sure that, like this is the part in the movie where I'm like, oh, the movie knows that this scheme was dumb. The idea that the way to put pressure on would be to kidnap the prosecutor's brother, and like Al Pacino's like, you idiots like this is gonna make this

makes all of the law enforcement mad like they're coming down hard on me why would you do this and I know it's like it's my fault I told them to be fair he's dead at this point so you can't really his ghost isn't like boo don't blame them well I'll give you this one Gili you know that that none of this made any sense at any point but it feels this movie sometimes feels like they were writing the script as they went along and then didn't go back and rewrite anything. And then two-thirds of the way through, someone was like, I was reading the pages you wrote, they went to the writer's group.

So we read your pages, the plot, the plan doesn't really make any sense. Do you want to change the plan? I'll just have a character explain it doesn't make any sense, it's a bad plan. This is also a great scene, because I feel like Ben Affleck was like, oh my God, I get to do a scene with Al Pacino, and they're like, you don't get to say anything. You know, you get to sit there and watch him stun on you.

So, uh... I mean, it's still gonna be pretty cool. Just being in that room with Al Pacino stuns on you. J.Lo manages to sweet talk Pacino into letting them go. Take care of Brian because he is the only other loose end who is not in the room with them. Take care of him. And they're never on board with Lewis yet. You know, care. Adopt him. I think she implies that they'll kill him, but that they have no intention to. They've already protected his thumb. So the rest of his body is

also valuable to the off line. Infer thumb, infer a mile, yeah. Yeah. There's a car ride, another car ride, where Gilly tells Brian not to be afraid of women, a weird thing to have happen at this point in the movie. It's not, is it based on anything? I don't, I mean. Other than his general, kind of like, actual interest in Baywood.

They watched, or he's riding high at this point. He thinks that he has done the impossible and that he is now master of all love and sex. That's true. Yeah, he's just the love master of all time. This is earlier. Like a love goof. Yeah.

Dan also, he forgot to mention that at one point, he's talking, Brian's talking about the Baywatch, and he talks about how it makes his penis sneeze. Which is, I don't like it. He's talking about the, uh, Brian's talking about the Baywatch. He talks about how it makes his penis sneeze, which is, I don't like it. And I felt like I needed to put it in your brains. Do you think there's noise or? Probably. Yeah, probably. Yeah. If you turn the volume up on your phone loud enough,

you can hear the noise. Very specific story. So they're passing the beach. There's like, oh, the Baywatch is open. So they stop at the beach where Gilly calls Brian's brother, telling him where Brian is so he can be picked up. Gilly asks Brian how his nails look. And Brian looks at his nails in the masculine way, which is just a little twist to the end,

like everyone laughs at the athletic for getting them being emasculated. Gilly tells Ricky to take his car and get out of town. I don't know why they can't both take the car at this point. I mean, his mom lives in town. I guess so. This, now this, I've been, so there's something going on on the beach.

And I have to, this part is distracting because every time it cuts to Brian, two more women in bikinis walk by him. And at a certain point I was like, there's an endless stream of women in bikinis who happen to be walking by every time it cuts to him. Well, it turns out there's a reason because they are, in fact, it seems,

I don't know what they say explicitly that they're shooting Baywatch, but it seems like they're shooting, if not Baywatch, some Baywatch nights, perhaps, I don't know. Or it's like a remake of a Netfuna cello movie, or something like that, because people are making these dancing. Because he had an episode of California Dreams, right?

They shot that live on a beach. Yeah, I mean, almost entirely inside the school, but yeah. Brian. Maybe it's an episode of Pacific Blue. Oh, okay. Yeah. The show about bicycle cops on the beach, which by the way, that seems like a bad

mode of transportation on sand. I just wanna... Just dispute the premise of this old USA network. What are you, are they going to ride camels around? It's going to be crazy. Anyway, Brian gets his dream of being part of the Baywatch. He's an extra on the set. He dances with this Australian girl.

Up till now, he's also, he is constantly calling the Australian weather forecast on the phone. Oh yeah, that's right, because he likes the sound. He likes the sound of Australian voices. And Julie keeps going, that's expensive. And Brian goes, it's not expensive. That's as far as the conversation goes every single time. At this point, and we see all the principal casts of the show Baywatch, right?

No, no one. At this point, J.Lo returns in the car. She reveals that her real name is Rachelle, and they drive away together in a anticlimactic ending that I then, I discovered was because this movie was cut up a lot. Hey, everybody. It's time for our favorite show, Dan McCoy, movie detective. Okay. Now, Gilly, something about

this ending, it made sense. Something's set right with me about this ending. Seems it seems like nothing really happens at the end of the dangling plot thread. Like this movie which up until then has been a pot boiler. Kind of fizzles out. Yeah, I mean, this is this is not original research. I didn't call director Martin Brest,

I'm like, Marty, what's up? This is freely... Dan, I applaud the restraint you showed in not calling up someone with the name Brest. Knowing your hobbies. So, apparently the original cut, the girlfriend we met earlier and then disappeared is important because she is actually the hit woman. She is the contractor that is her job.

JLo's character is her girlfriend and they had had an argument and she wanted to walk in her girlfriend's shoes. So she decided to sort of play act as a contractor for the weekend. Because JLo's dad Atticus Finch told her, don't judge your mentally imbalanced girlfriend until you've walked a killed a mile in her shoes. So that's why, I mean, in retrospect,

it makes the scene where she threatens those guys work a little bit better because this is why she's not actually threatening. It certainly justifies the existence of that character and shows why she's a yeah why she's a danger you know. But that's that's why she's like I can't be the girl you want me to be because she literally isn't. She drives out of the movie she is gone at that point there's's no happy ending for them as in real life. Until later, until later everyone. Benefit term two.

And then- They said it couldn't be done, but they did it everybody. Zeeley now reformed, tries to give Brian over to Christopher Walken. Turns out Christopher Walken is a crooked cop. Something totally unsurprising given how creepy he was acting. They get the most shocking thing about the movie is that Christopher Walken does not turn out to be a cop. Yeah. Yeah. They get into a shootout. Christopher

Walken dies. Affleck is more mortally wounded. Dying, he drives Brian back to the beach. And then he dies while Brian is dancing with him. And it's going to be called, the movie's called Back to the Beach. Yeah, with an Ed Finichella. Peewee comes out and does a surf and bird rendition. It's pretty great. Man, sounds great. So it's really the same as Back to the Beach. Yes, it just made it. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's Gile. So it's really the same as Back to the Beach. Yes, same movie. They just made it. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's Gilly.

That's the original ending for Gilly. The original. So it was more of a kind of like Midnight Cowboy type of depressing movie. Originally, apparently it was more of a crime film. They turned it into more of an urban cowboy kind of, you know, funzo film, you know. Yeah, it was a real funzo. That's what I would say about Jaleigh. The Eurovision Song Contest.

Hundreds of millions of people watch it every year. It played a part in a democratic revolution in Portugal. It introduced the world to Riverdance and it launched Celine Dion's career. But you might have never watched it. It's got so much history and so many storylines that it can feel overwhelming to get into. Mm-hmm. It's like a real housewife season,

but everyone's a better singer. Well, sometimes. But that's where we come in. I'm Dimitri Pompeii. I'm Oscar Montoya. And I'm Jeremy Bent, and we're the hosts of Your Evangelists. If you're new to Eurovision, we'll tell you everything you need to know to start enjoying the world's most important song competition.

And if you're already a fan, we'll dive deep on its wildest moments, like when Ireland sends a turkey puppet to sing for them. You're evangelist. New episodes every Thursday. On MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Jordan Kirschiola, host of Feeling Seed, where we start by asking our guests just one question.

What movie character made you feel seen? I knew exactly what it was. Clementine from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Shui Wang slash Shobu Tupaki. That one question launches amazing conversations about their lives, the movies they love, and about the past, present, and future of entertainment. Roy in Close Encounters of the Third Kind.

I worry about what this might say about me, but I've brought Tracy Flick in the film Election. So if you like movies, diverse perspectives, and great conversations, check us out! Oof, this is real. New episodes of Feeling Scene drop every week on MaximumFun.org. Hey there, breaking in with one Jumbotronon this week is a message for Seth and it is

from Melissa. Happy birthday, Seth. Your love of movies and desire to share them with me and our friends is truly the best. Dakota and I are lucky to get to do life with you. That's very sweet. I hope for everyone that you have someone out there that it's fun to do life with. And happy birthday again to Seth. And now back to the show.

So we've done it. Now this is the point where we make our final judgments on Gile. Okay. Whether Gile. Yep. You have been accused of being not good. Is this a good bad movie? Is it a bad bad movie?

Is it a movie you kind of like? For once, I'm going to throw it to you first. Stewart. Oh, no, I'm in the hot seat. No, I think this is I would you first, Stuart. What do you say? Oh, I'm in the hot seat. Uh, no, I think this is... I would argue this is a bad, bad movie. There are... There is one...

Ex-pro-ve your points, sir. What evidence? There's... I mean, there's one incredible scene. Featuring Christopher Walken. We've talked about it quite a bit. Um, but no, it's... Yeah, I mean, it feels like it is wrongheaded and I don't know if I'd say it's miscast, but I feel like Ben Affleck hasn't,

hadn't reached that state in his powers yet that he could pull this performance off. Like he's like, he couldn't do the silly idiot well enough for me. But yeah, I'm gonna say Bad Bed. Yeah, I'm gonna say Bad Bed too Yeah, I'm gonna say Bad Bed too. I watched this movie when it came out because it was a legendary flop

and I was curious about it. Re-watching it, like sort of squinting, I'm like, oh, I can kind of see the movie that they wanted to make. I can kind of get it more. Cause like, I think if you took out the two central huge problems in the movie, there's some stuff in here.

I'm like, oh yeah. I love that though, Dan. This quirky time. Take those two things out. There's like nothing left. That is the movie. Just know that part where they're driving around the car? I mean, come on.

I guess you're right. It's just a movie about Jennifer Lopez intimidating teens, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, her dangerous mind. It is more... It is more interesting than I gave it credit for at the time, but it is... Yeah, it's bad.

What do you mean? It is also bad. I'm going to make it a triple unanimous vote that it's bad, bad. I wish it was shorter and faster moving, and then maybe it could be good, bad, but it's a movie that really takes its time. It feels like it is, it's still living off the fumes of that 90s era when you could do like a kind of quasi-crime, quasi-talk and moving movie where people just hang out in rooms and talk and you're like, I'm seeing and learning something about human nature.

It's cool. And instead, it's neither of those things. And they do spend a lot of time just hanging around his apartment. And there's certain point, it's bad when you're watching a movie about a kidnapping and you're like so they're just there all day like do they like what do they do most of the day like what what are they they've been there all day how are they entertaining him and there's yoga and yeah I guess but it's also such a loose kidnapping because they're just like, Brian, don't use the phone.

Oh, sir, here you should probably go in the other room. And Brian is like, OK, like it is. Yeah, so I will say, go just watch Christopher walk in and that one scene on YouTube and you'll get your money's worth. We have about 10 minutes to do questions because we got to turn the room over for more sketch fest shows. There's going to be, is there's a microphone I think coming out over the, I'm watching it, it's moving, it's there, follow my finger as it moves in.

It's going to be, I think it's going to end up over here. Yeah. Yes. So we're going to cut it off with brute force in about 10 minutes, but I'm going to tell that point. Brute force, starting Cume Cronin and playing Caster? Yeah. What an amazing movie. OK, so if you have a great question, please ask it. If your question is OK, think about asking it.

If your question is bad, don't even get up. Okay, we're going to do these rapid fires. So I hope these questions are easy. Yes. Think of mine's easy. Hi, Peaches. My name is Brooke. Last name withheld. Hello. Dan, you don't have the time. And I am the fan. I'm pretty sure who recommended Dweagans and Leprechauns.

Oh, thank you for that. Oh, you're so welcome. What have you done to our town? I'm not that far from being a dweegan, to be honest. Just what, like a leprechaun and a fairy have sex, and they make a dweegan, right? Or was it, yeah, yeah. I'm glad you explained it to everybody. Yeah, in case, I mean, yeah, in case there's one or two people in the audience who didn't see dweegans, the leprechauns.

Yeah, I mean, I'm glad you explained it to everybody. I mean, I'm glad you explained it to everybody. I mean, I'm glad you explained it to everybody. I mean, I'm glad you explained it to everybody. I mean, I'm glad you explained it to everybody. I mean, I'm glad you explained it to everybody yeah, yeah. I'm glad you explained it to everybody. Yeah, in case, I mean, yeah, in case there's one or two people in the audience who didn't see Dweegans in the Leprechauns. Yeah, the biggest hit of that year.

Dweegans and Leprechauns. And yep, the Oscar goes to, I don't even know why I opened the envelope, Dweegans and Leprechauns. The biggest stand up and cheer moment of the year. Yeah, when the Dweegans entered the Speed Force, so Dan, what would you be? I'm just gonna say I'll have a little deer stowager cap and I'll, like, have a pipe that has bubbles

that comes out of it. Oh. I think my thing's gonna be eating fried chicken and loving wife's butts. Oh, what? Wait, stop! Hold on! That's intellectual property theft. I can do whatever I want.

Yes, sir, Dweekins can do whatever they want. Hi there, John, last name withheld. I'm just curious, after watching so many bad movies, and I apologize if you've Yes, sir, Juegans can do whatever they want. Hi there, John, last name withheld. I'm just curious, after watching so many bad movies, and I apologize if you've answered this before, but are there particular movies that you wish you had been on set for to just see what went down? This is a different kind of... It's not an entirely bad movie, but I think I've said before,

I would love to be on the set of David Lynch's Dune. Okay. Partly because I want to see those puppets. But also, just to walk around and just to go up to David Lynch and be like, do you know what you're doing? I'm going, well, maybe this is what I do in my career now. I don't know. They asked me to make a movie about space worms. Stuart might be thinking about the bit I was doing backstage, which was David Lynch hosting the Kids' Choice Awards. I'm so happy to be here on the night where kids rule.

Who's going to win? I don't know. Oh, it's time. Dan, what about you? I don't know. I feel like in the interest of getting through people, let's let that stand because it's beautiful. Thank you.

Thank you. Okay, thank you. All right. My five-year-old loves Horse Meets Dog. Oh, thank you very much. So I want to thank Elliot right in that book. Thank you. I was wondering if Dan and Stu wrote a piece of children's fiction.

What would the moral be? Oh, Shut up. What's the kid's version of let people fuck tune? I don't think you have to tell kids that. Be yourself. Let's do. Be careful how you talk to service people. Uh...

A specific but great moral. Yeah, I mean, I think that's really helpful, because, yeah, I just hate it so much. Yeah, it's not enough kids learn about proper tipping early enough. No, I just mean like parents shouldn't be like, add a fucking telly with a line and be like, okay, what do you wanna order from the man? like I'm busy. What do I have to hear this fucking kid mispronounce words?

It's cobble cool kid Hi Tim nothing with held I'm not embarrassed bab Wow bold move. Yeah, I'm proud to be a flop house fan doxed himself I want to know if there's any movie that you've done already that you've revisited later and thought Oh, they're jokes. I didn't put in the podcast that I wish I could have put in the pot like you're like I wish I'd said that We've been doing this for like 16 years I wish I'd said that.

We've been doing this for like 16 years. I think I'd like to go for it. It's hard to remember. People will occasionally tweet a joke at me that should have been in the show. And my reaction, I love that people listen to the show and I love that they care to reach out. My reaction is never good because it's either like, no, that's not a good joke, or yes, damn it, you're right, I should have said that, now I feel bad.

I barely remember what we say in it. There's a few big examples, but I'm assuming we miss a lot of jokes, because mainly we're not even really talking about the movie. Yeah. And the olden days, when we used to record the show, we recorded it at midnight, basically. So we weren't in our right minds. I had a belly full of fried chicken.

I don't know what I was saying. I was like, seven beers deep. So the answer is yes. And that'll look at you. Thank you. Eric, last name withheld. It feels like Quentin Tarantino is ultimately to blame for Gile in an indirect way. Sure, yeah, we do that.

This is something my friend Tom Manning said to me over text today. So Tom, you scooped him. What good director do you think is indirectly responsible for the most egregious crimes against cinema? What director? Good director. Good director. Well, that narrows it, yeah. I mean, I don't necessarily buy in Lucas, probably, just in the sense that he popularized

the idea of like, Joseph Campbell should be the model for all movies. That's not true. That really flattens out storytelling. But Dan, every movie is the same movie. Raiders of Lost Ark, Star Wars, Willow. They're all the same, every movie. Last year at Marion Bag, Day for Night, it's all the same story. But yeah, that's a good answer, that's a good answer.

Well, thank you. Well, let's move along then. Okay. Hi, Matthew Grieve, boss name with Held. I was wondering if you, what background Star Wars character would you choose to make a Star Wars Disney plus mini series and why? Gunk, Droid.

Gunk, Droid, Gunk, Droid. Yeah. Give me that, Gunk. What's his story? What's his, he's a trash can with feet. He says one word. He also walks around real slow like a boss. What's his home life? Does he have a wife? He does he have a wife? I don't know. Let's do the show. Come on.

Conkdroid. What's his hero's journey? What's his Joseph Campbell story? Here's the thing though. Here's the thing though. I'm going to cheat a little bit because there's also a backdoor pilot for a salacious grumble. Oh, serious? Yeah. Love me that kawaki and monkey lizard. Yes, sir.

Adam, last name withheld from Lucasfilm, you're serious. Yeah. Love me that kawaki and monkey lizard. Yes, sir. Adam, last name withheld from Lucasfilm, you're hired. Yeah, yes. Oh, finally, my dream. Then I sit down and I'm like, I gotta write 10 episodes of a gong show? What did I get myself into?

So I've noticed that a common thread in a lot of like bad, bad films is that they have flashbacks to scenes that already occurred in the film Yeah, and I'm wondering if you can think of a movie where that was ever used well There definitely are some That are not coming to mind at the moment There are definitely movies that Will flash back to something to previous footage in a way that

There are definitely movies that will flash back to something to previous footage in a way that recontextualizes it, like it adds something to it, not just adds like, oh, the killer was back there, you know. Well, Dan's favorite actor, Kevin Spacey, was in, uh, oh, no. No suspects. No, stop doing this. You said something, Dan, about how it's,

the audience's duty to separate the artists from their art. Yeah. That's, I mean, that's what he says in the group chat. I mean, doesn't say it at yeah. That's what he says in the group chat. I mean, it doesn't say the public. Let's move on. I think we can get through everyone who's currently up standing. If no more people join.

Yeah. Nathan, last name withheld, I want to bring us back to Gile. And to the climactic scene. Oh, thanks. Where they're where. Gotta go back to Gile. Did it, did it, did it. Where Ben Affleck is...

engaged in coitus. And there's a moment where it can only be described as a thousand-yard stare occurs, during which is probably his orgasm. My question to you guys is, do you think this is why he looks when he's actually engaged in coitus with Jennifer Lopez? I'm gonna say not at the time, but possibly now.

I mean, you've seen his foot like... Unless he's holding a fucking dunk, he's hanging in a smile. Yeah. There's a collection of sad memes at this point. There's that picture of him just staring out the ocean with that big Phoenix tattoo on his face. Awesome. Yes, please. Hi, Emily.

Last name withheld. I don't know if you've seen the Dune 2 promotional popcorn bucket. Yeah. Yes. It's a sandworm mouth you have to reach through with the sort of rubber teeth that you have to put your hand through.

Anyway, what? Justice Mike Herbert intended when he wrote the book. What movie do you wish would have had a promotional popcorn bucket? And what would it have been? That's a really good question. Oh, that's a great question. Ooh, there's so much potential there. Well, Elliott thinks, I just want to mention that,

I was texting, my friends texted me a David Airelich tweet where he was like, yes, you can fuck the bucket. And I was like, how fuckable could this bucket be? And then I saw the bucket and I'm like, oh, that's you can fuck the bucket. And I was like, how fuckable could this bucket be? And then I saw the bucket and I'm like, that's a pretty fuckable bucket. Should just call it a fuck it. I'm gonna say Mandy Cheddar Goblin Bucket. Oh man.

That's good. I want an alien bucket that's shaped like John Hertz Chest. I want like a Gremlins bucket because they have popcorn in the movie is just like an imposter is that he's coming out exactly infinite regressive like bucket after bucket after like all gremlins with buckets of popcorn thank you I want to yeah I want a tar bucket that just looks like Lydia just want everything to look like Lydia's it It's so into Tar. You're gonna reach into her head. Okay, last question of the evening. Better be about Tar.

I'm gonna disappoint you. My name's Frank, last name withheld. That's a good name. Oh, okay. So you know. Why did you, why did you? I'm stuck with it. It's been 30 years.

You said he was gonna disappoint us. I get it. It sounded like it was a compliment that was raised in order to make a question in his life. It's been 30 years. He said he was going to disappoint us. I get it. It sounded like it was a compliment that was raised in order to make a question in his life. Okay, with the question. Are you ready for me? Okay, great. So, would it shock you to know that the only positive thing about this movie is the score,

which was played over the most shitty monologues that you've ever heard in your entire life? That would shock me. But it did, that was the only positive accolade. Who, do you know who did it? John Powell. Don't know. Who gives a fuck, but seriously, that was the only good thing about the movie.

So, buy the score. Yeah. Watch Christopher Walken buy the score. I'm a little on a wrist of record. Listen to Christopher Walken wall the score plays. We gotta get off stage because there are a lot of sketch fest shows, but thank you so much for coming out. Thank you for being great. You are a delight.

For the Flop House, I've been Dan McCoy. I'm Stuart Wellington. I'm Elliot Kalen. Bye. Thank you, everybody at Cobbs. Thank you. Cops, thank you. Welcome to 2024, everybody. You ready for a great year? Yeah, I don't buy it either. Maximum Fun, a worker-owned network of artist-owned shows, supported directly by you.