The Flop House - Ep.#426 - Boat Trip, with Alonso Duralde

Episode Date: June 8, 2024

Alonso Duralde, of our sister Max Fun podcast Maximum Film and many other projects joins us to discuss something that is, technically, a film, and not a pile of feces. But it's a tough call! In honor of Pride Month and also Alonso's new book Hollywood Pride, our guest pitched us some bad LGBTQ+ themed movies, and (in lieu of trashing some failed films with their hearts in the right place) we decided to critique one of the most retrograde comedies of the 2000s: motherfucking Boat Trip. Did we regret this decision? Ask us when we're done crying and trying to wash off the stink.See us LIVE in July in Boston!Wikipedia page for Boat TripRecommended in this episode:Romy and Michele's High School Reunion (1997)In A Violent Nature (2024)Raw Deal (1948)Gay USA (1977)

On this episode we discuss boat trip. In a fairly ill thought out Pride Month special. Hey everyone, welcome to the Flophouse. I'm Dan McCoy. I'm Stuart Wellington. I'm Elliott Kalin. That was if I was a race car. And with us today, yet again, a returning favorite guest, Alonzo Durralde of Maximum Film on the MaxFun Network, other podcasts, but also the new book Hollywood Pride.

Alonzo, is there a subtitle to your book? Tell me. Oh God, there is, but it's so long. I can never remember. Alonzo, is there a subtitle to your book? Tell me. Oh God, there is, but it's so long, I can never remember. So. A celebration of LGBTQ plus representation and perseverance in film.

Oh, and we picked the perfect movie. Yeah. And I'm here to make it okay for you guys to talk about. Thank you. In full disclosure, in full disclosure, we were talking to Alonzo about being on and he was like, what about Boat Trip? So we did not, we didn't bring this project to him.

Yeah, he gave us some possibles and honestly, my thinking was like, okay, well some of these movies are bad but have their heart in the right place and I don't know if I wanna make fun of that. Let's make fun of something where I don't feel bad making fun of it, but then I'm like, but that means that we watched Boat Trip, which was a horrible experience.

Well yeah, I made the same argument, my wife was like, oh, you shouldn't be talking about that. I'm like, but I feel like oftentimes, when you, like, like. Those who forget the past. Yeah, exactly, our doom should make Boat Trip too. Oh no. Let's do a bad gay movie.

Boat Trip, the new beginning. Let's do a bad gay movie that clearly had not one single gay person involved in any aspect of its production. Yeah, it is very much, it is a very specific type of straight person's idea of what a gay world is like. Also, it feels like... But it means it's set up for the prequel, Das Boot Trip, where it's about unspoken love between Nazis.

I'm going to take it one step further. I feel like nobody involved has been on a cruise before. It's true. I have some cruise specific proceeds. I was curious about that because, yeah, Stu and Dan, you have a lot of experience with cruises. Yeah, yeah, we're cruise masters. Yeah, you're really into cruising.

I mean, I've been on... It's Devil on Tondra. Masters. Yeah, you're really into cruising. I mean, I've been on... It's a double entendre. How did it, did it feel like this was true, true to your experience of what it's like to be on a cruise ship? Well... I mean, totally, every moment.

My main objection, and we'll get to this in the movie, but they take so long to realize that they're on a gay cruise and not a cruise of wild heterosexual women that they can hit on. And my experience of being on cruise, I've only been on two. It's not like I'm... But my experience is... Oh, all right. Dan just throws his money around willy-nilly at every cruise company that comes by his door.

That's not true. Drop an anchor in every port. Yeah, yeah. We got a whole triangle of sadness... Triangle of dan-ness over here. Uh-huh. I mean, which is the triangle of sadness often. Yeah, yeah, we got a whole triangle of sadness. Triangle of dan-ness over here. Uh-huh. I mean, which is the triangle of sadness often, unfortunately, yeah. We know some travel agents to make it very affordable.

Yeah, Huckleberry Travel. Shout out to Huckleberry Travel. Must be nice. Yeah, it is nice to have travel agents. Yeah, and they're like, and Huckleberry Travel's a super LGBT key quote. Let me get out the goddamn point. Yeah, it's true, though. No, what I'm saying is they take so long to realize,

and it's my experience that a cruise takes a long time to leave port. They would have plenty of time to realize their mistake, pick up their luggage, disembark, be safely on the dock. Then there would be no movie and where would that be? Exactly. Richer, arguably. It's just like John Ford said when someone said in Stagecoach, how come the natives don't just shoot the horses of the Stagecoach rather than chasing them?

And he said, because then I don't have a movie. If they do that. So Dan, if they realize where they, if these characters were, had any intelligence whatsoever, would not have, or compassion for human beings, they would not have a film. Yeah, so no, it's true And we'll be using stagecoach as a touchstone throughout this episode. I feel like there's a lot of similarities. Much like a taxi driver and hardcore are both takes on the searchers. Boat trip is very much a take on stagecoach. Yeah, so let's get into this. Much like, yeah, Paul Schroeder is working through

his feelings about the Searchers, the director of this film, Mort Nathan, a former producer, head writer for the Golden Girls, was working through his feelings about John Ford's other films. Yes, well, I'm glad you interrupted me to say exactly what I was going to say, which was, yes, Mort Nathan.

You don't sound glad at all. I'm sorry, I forgot that I'm Nostradamus, and I know I had a time where you're gonna say at all moments. I mean, not interrupting me is also an option. I guess I didn't check my scrying glass to see what Dan was about to say. I'll do that next time.

Linda Holmes is gonna call us about this moment later. Co-writer and director Mort Nathan, yes, like you said, one of the co-producers and head writers of The Golden Girls, also less successfully than The Golden Girls, not than Boat Trip, maybe equally successful to Boat Trip, The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer, another notoriously ill-conceived.

With its own share of dated already at the time gay people in it too, yeah. And Mort Nathan is also the Nathan of Nathan's Hot Dogs, right? Yes. Yeah, and the brother of Mort Trucker. And he's the Mort from Zika Joe. And he's Mort the Dead teenager.

He's the Nathan's Hot Dog jokes actually in this movie. But how you can come away with having worked on the Golden Girls for years and still know this little about gay people just boggles everything that I know about pop culture. There's part of me that wonders like, is he, did he leave the Golden Girls the same way that these guys leave that cruise being like,

what were we on, what happened? We had no idea. Dan, you should also mention though, he did go to greater things. He did also direct Van Wilder, The Rise of Taj. Oh, thank God. Oh, shit. I was wondering about how Taj rose so high. I needed that. Now you're going to find out.

Well, let's get into this. What if it was, what if it said it was Gene Wilder, The Rise of Taj? Would that be a more interesting movie? Yes. I don't have anything more to say about it. Almost automatically. Yeah, what about Billy Wilder? Nationally approved Billy Wilder, The Rise of Taj. Would that be a more interesting movie? Yes. I don't have anything more to say about it. I'm confirming. What about Billy Wilder?

National Lampoon's Billy Wilder. What if it was National Lampoon's Gene Roddenberry, The Rise of Taj? I mean, yeah, that would be... How did they get involved? I don't understand. How do they know each other? Yeah. We're drifting far from shore in the same way...

Just like the boat. ...the boat might. That time, I didn't know what you were going to say, Dan. I didn't really say it. This movie begins with some zany. Should we also mention that we in no way endorse the activities of Cuba Goody Jr. and Horatio Sands to accuse predators of various types? I doubt that people would assume we would, but yeah, we'll stipulate that.

But they are representing all heterosexuality in this movie, I just wanna put that out there. Yeah, and I apologize for boat trip on that. They were named official UN heterosexuality ambassadors. Oh, yes. Yeah, we get some zany music, we get an early 2000s font, so we get Cuba Gooden. It is like cartoon music Let's put a pin in this we get James Brown's. I feel good. Not yet. No, no before this

We get Cuba Gooden jr. Proposing to someone Oh This is dog. It's just his dog. But now we know that he wants to propose to someone It's just his dog. It's just his dog. But now we know that he wants to propose to someone and then we get... And that he has a dog. I feel good. The fact that it comes back at the end of the movie even though we've forgotten it in the meantime. I mean, would you take a dog with you on a cruise? Probably not.

No, but why bring the dog? Like, was it so important that the dog exists that we have to see him then again at the the wedding at the end of the movie they needed those cutaway shots because those are comedy gold yes yeah everything's funnier when a dog is watching it just like in my book horse meets dog let me guys ask you a question sure I've always found to be Cuba Gooding jr. to be an un-aling personality on film. Do you think that they were like, give him a dog, it'll make him seem that much more likeable? Well, I think that's kind of the thing

about his performance in this whole movie is that I'm like, I guess I remember him from Jerry Maguire and I guess I remember him from the People vs. OJ where he plays OJ. But like- And Snow Dogs. Does he, like he acts like some kind of weird innocent in this movie where his brain doesn't quite work.

And he's like experiencing everything for the first time. Yeah. But does he do that in every movie or is this like a facade that he has adopted because he's like, I don't, for this specific role, I don't know. He's kind of the audience surrogate

in Boys in the Hood, right? Yeah, that's true. But yeah, this one, it does seem like everything is all shiny and new and non-understandable to him. I think this is his idea of what like a nice guy is like. Like he's supposed to be the nice guy and Horatio Sans is supposed to be the horn dog

in the classic kind of comedy and tragedy double mask act that 80s comedies are built on. Yeah, it's like Splash with John Candy and Tom Hanks. Exactly, and so he's supposed to be like the nice guy and he takes nice to mean like, yeah, naive, innocent of the world, you know, doesn't know anything. He's also relatively, you know, subdued in Boys in the Hood,

which is, you know, one of his better performances. And then in Jerry Maguire, he plays this character who's big and that's like kind of to mask the insecurity beneath and that works really well from him. And then I felt like after that, he just kind of was like, everything's going to be at 11. And maybe that's what you're responding to, Elliot. I don't know.

I have an Academy Award. That's proof that I can spend time with snow dogs if I want to. And he was in Chill Factor too, right? He was in Chill Factor about a bomb that he used to stakeholder. I remember the commercials for that. I loved it. They were like, a bomb is on the loose.

And an ice cream man and this other guy have to keep it cold. Like the commercial was like, are you buying this? Can you believe this? Okay, guys, we haven't even hit the title of the movie yet. So. It's boat trip down. As in the film, as Alanto noted, the most overused needle drop this side of Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen,

I Feel Good comes in to show us that he's feeling good. We got a montage of him walking a dog, intercut with him, dancing at home. Is this something? He's also in Rat Race, which uses the Smash Mouth. All-star? All-star. All-star, thank you, yes.

The other most overplayed needle dropping cinema history. So is this something that people do in real life? Because they seem to do it a lot in movies, just kind of like dancing by themselves in their house. I feel good. I mean, I dance on my own shit. I dance on my own myself, yeah. Just by yourself?

Yeah. And you're like dancing up and down stairs and things like that? Elliot, it's the only time I can really uninhibited, you know, okay, no, it's the hairbrush though Yeah, I do it all no, that's usually I'm in the kitchen. So it's usually like a wooden spoon spatula, maybe I'm in my I'm in my tidy whiteys. I'm wearing a I'm wearing a button-down shirt with most of the buttons undone I'm wearing a button down shirt with most of the buttons undone. I did hear a lot from the movie.

You sing to like in your reflection in a pot that's hanging from the... Yes. From the, you know, rack. Have you been spying on me, Elliot? So... Living that Nancy Meyers lifestyle. Exactly. Oh, I wish.

Kitchen the size of a ballroom, yeah. I have so many notes for this movie. I can't spend as much time Cuba we get a country Proposal not to a dog this time to his girlfriend Vivica a Fox. We're in a hot-air balloon Which brought to mind Roger Ebert's hot air balloon rule which we discussed before. We discussed that there's at least two exceptions to that rule. Yeah. Wusserwals and Great Muppet Caper.

Alonso will give grudging tolerance to the Great Muppet Caper. But yeah, the rule being of course, no good movie with a hot air balloon. He's got motion sickness, which is a weird one to me for hot air balloon. Maybe fear of heights, but it's moving so slowly. But he can't- You have a horizon. Yeah, and if he gets seasick like that, he shouldn't go on a cruise, man.

Good point, good point. Because- I would like it more if the plot of the movie was, I had motion sickness and it messed up my proposal. I need to confront this by going on a cruise. Yeah. And just facing my motion sickness down. That would be a funnier reason to do it.

Set ups and payoffs. Yep. Yeah, he can't propose because he's too sick. Fox tells him to spit it out, which of course is a cue for him to vomit all over. Hilarity. She denies him, but not because of the vomit, which would be pretty shallow.

She just, she's met someone else. So, she returns home. She's a jerk. She's very clearly the woman that he loves, but who is wrong for him that he should not be with. I mean, I would argue that what we know about Cuba Gordon Jr's character throughout the rest of the movie,

she is well read of this man. No, I would say in the world that the movie is hoping to exist in where Jerry, Cuba Gordon Jr's character is a nice guy who deserves better. She is the, you know. At this point in the plot, that's what he deserves. Yes.

Yes. Jerry. Yes. Jerry returns home. He's yet to discover his full self by being on a cruise with a bunch of stereotypes for like three weeks, four weeks. How long are they on that cruise? Eight years. When Jerry returns home, he is no longer feeling good. The opposite of the song.

Funny joke would have been if he played the song backwards And then we get a six months later Kyra Right away. It's a good sign. We've only met two characters six months later and a dog We meet Cuba Slash Jerry's buddy Horatio sands. I'm mostly gonna refer to like the main characters by the actress name because it's just easier Horatio wants to cheer Cuba up get him out of the town we see Horatio then at up at his work at his job. He's a maintenance man at a spa Yes, and he walks through a woman. Sorry walks through

He walks through a woman, sorry, walks through a woman. That would be an amazing trick. Would it say Kitty Pride? But he can only do it once. No, he walks through a room where a woman is naked on a massage table awaiting her massage and he does some, you know, Three Stooges-like reactions. She's like, come on, give me my massage, Joey, or whoever she thinks is in the room,

and him, instead of being a human being and saying- Yeah, Joey from the concrete blonde song. Exactly. Instead of being a human being and saying, I'm sorry, I'm not the masseuse, or just leaving the room, he can't, it's unclear from his performance whether he is just so horny to touch a naked woman's back

or that he is so ashamed, embarrassed that she's gonna find out that the masseuse isn't there. You are giving him way too much credit. I mean, he starts out definitely as horniness and then it becomes frustration as he is unable to massage her as hard as she demands. And so this somehow escalates. It's hard to be a masseuse.

He doesn't have experience. That's stuff on the hangar. By the way, male, it's masseur. Masseuses are women. Oh. Okay. What about Dr. Seuss? That's a on the hangar. By the way, male, it's masseur, masseuses are women. Oh, okay. What about Dr. Seuss? That's a whole other story. As the masseur in my home, like I get tired,

like if I'm massaging Audrey's shoulders, like I immediately get tired. Yeah, your hands get tired so hard when you're, so quickly. You know, it hurts. But also the fact that a maintenance man should not be walking through a room where a naked client is, that's on this loss. I mean, it's so many liabilities.

But unless you know early that this movie is not interested in ideas like consent. Sure. It's important, it's important to get that out of the way. Kind of establish that. That should have been the slogan on the poster. Not interested in ideas like this. Yeah.

Anyway, he was so goaded by her cries for a harder massage that he eventually sticks a plunger on her butt. And then that's the punchline to that scene. Pulls the poop right out. Yeah. If only. Later at a party, Sam's runs into character actor Steven Importer, someone who you recognize from TV,

lot of stuff. Lots of stuff. He has a hot date and Sans tactfully assumes out loud that she's an escort in front of everybody, but his friend says- Which would be fine, sex work is work. Yeah, but she may not want to be outed in front of everyone. No, that's fair too.

I think the implication that he would have to hire someone to be his date to a party is also, you know, not the most flattering one. It's a she's out of your league situation here. Yeah, exactly. But she is all that I think is what there. His friend, Jared. Well, she takes her glasses off, yeah. She's better with the glasses, Alonzo.

She should have kept those glasses on. Look, Anne Hathaway should have kept her eyebrows in the Princess Diaries. You don't have to tell me. Yeah, sure. She looked kinda like Kim Novak before she got rid of the eyebrows. Anyway, keeping with the sensitivity, his friend says, quote,

"'She ain't no escort skank.'" Oh yeah. This is his fiance. And he finds out, Horatio finds out that he met this beautiful fiance on a cruise and the guy basically claims that a cruise is a floating fuck palace, which gets Sans right on board

and makes him immediately uninterested in the bar he's taking Cuba Gooding Jr. at too. He's like, let's leave right now and get on a boat. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like the opening of fucking Moby Dick. I would love it if it was. That Queequeg walks in with his fucking head in his hands. Yeah, Queequeg's like,

let's go get some fucking strange, dude. Ishmael, get out of the bed, we're sharing. Let's get some other people in here. Yeah, I would love if it immediately went to, like they went to an all night cruise booking place, but instead. They put the sex in sextants. It cuts to the next day,

when they're going to book a cruise, Sans gets into a shouting match after a traffic altercation with Artie Lang. Very easy to get into a shouting match with Artie Lang. Like I have to imagine. Rachel Sans has no sympathy with me the entire movie, but I feel like that's a situation that's not that hard to get into. Yeah. Yeah.

And so they go to book this cruise And they're having match with Jessica Lang harder to do But more intense once you get there Oh for sure Constant yelling I Feel like you'd just be apologizing back and forth I'm so, doing that with Katie Ling. I'm so sorry, Noah, I'm so sorry. No, please, forgive me. Yeah, so they're trying to book a cruise with what the agent calls the traditional

three to one female to male ratio. When Will Ferrell enters to say to the travel agent that their mother died, that's kind of a funny. There is a funny one that goes, didn't you see the post-it note I left for you? Well, I mean, I will say that because this is a, you know, a comedy professional who wrote For the Golden Girls for many years,

there are individual jokes in here that do work, but they are so poisoned by the well of boat trip that I cannot find many of them using. But- It's interesting for me to think about where this was in Will Ferrell's career, because I was trying to figure out, is this him as a star doing a cameo or is this him as an up and comer doing a small role? And this is after like Zoolander came out, but it's before old school.

And like, so one of his he's kind of in that middle ground. He's still in this movie was was filmed in 2001, but was a before old school. And like, so I wonder if it's, he's kind of in that middle ground. He's still an up and comer. This movie was filmed in 2001, but was a release until 2003. I'm assuming while it was filming in 2001, that was the reason the terrorists attacked 9-11, is because they were trying to shut down the production of Boat Trip.

Yeah, probably. Yeah, they erroneously thought it was happening at the World Trade Center, and not somewhere in Hollywood, yeah. I erroneously thought it was happening at the World Trade Center and not somewhere in Hollywood. Yeah. So, Farrell scares off the agent who runs off crying and that agent was replaced by Artie Lang and they do the exact same shouting match over again, which honestly I found kind of a funny beat just because it's the same thing over again, but it could so easily be

eliminated because then Will Ferrell is like, could you go away, I'll handle it. And Will Ferrell books them, and our heroes, question mark, heroes leave. And we learned that- Protagonists. Yeah, our protagonists leave and we learned that Artie and Will are a couple,

and Artie is like, I can't believe you took care of them. And Will ominously says, oh, I took care of them all right. What does this mean? We'll find out very soon. Or in the trailer to Boat Trip, presumably. Yeah, yeah. Which explains the premise.

Or on the poster, I mean. Yeah. No, the poster. So the poster is, it creates a real different concept. I'm looking at it now. The poster for Boat Trip, the one that's on Wikipedia anyway, the tagline is Singles Cruise, Double Trouble.

And it shows Cubicating Jr. shoulder deep in water with Vivica A. Fox and Rosalind Sanchez. And then Horatio Sanchez behind them going like, ah! And so- Mugging. Yeah, mugging. So the poster would lead you to believe

that this is a love triangle on a cruise movie, or it's this guy has too many babes more than he can handle. Like even the poster is like ashamed of what the movie is about. I would like to think it's that the movie poster was like, the people making the poster were like, we cannot in good conscience advertise

the premise of this movie. But I bet it was more them worrying that customers would not come to a movie that felt too gay. That's my worry. Sometimes you have to sell the straight sizzle and not the gay steak, you know. Yeah.

Yeah. Or the gay rotten liver in this case. Yeah, it's like the trailers for Desert Hearts that made it seem about a guy who works at a casino who can't get the waitress to go out with him. Really? No, not really, come on. I mean, there's a character like that in the movie, but you know.

The original poster for the birdcage was just them holding guns. They photoshopped them in front of the bank. I don't understand. I thought the birdcage was a bank they were knocking over. That's where the teller is hiding. So anyway, our protagonists arrive at the boat where Horatio Sans creepily enthuses that the best part of it is that on a cruise, women can't get away from them.

Their options are them or drowning or being eaten by sharks. And at this point, I consider calling the police on boat trip. Again, consent for suckers. Yeah, the cops told me that I couldn't arrest a movie, that that's not, you know, not that they really want to, but those clowns in Congress wouldn't pass a law. There's no law against being a bad movie.

Yeah. Anyway, the guys are very slow to wonder why there are only men on this boat. They write off some leather dudes in assless pants as Cirque du Soleil performers, probably. This is the first of the many, the parade of kind of like, this is a movie in the early 2000s, but the kind of like 80s or 70s, I feel like, level, like gay stereotypes that it's like, gay guys, yeah, they're probably all into leather, and there's got to, and they cannot not be in leather. Like they have to.

Well, for the culture. Like, it's not like, it's not like you would go to brunch in regular clothes and then get into your sex clothes for sex. You wear them all the time. Well, you know, look, on a cruise, I'm sure there are people who, you know, they're making it happen 24-7. Yeah, maybe. But these movies do love to lump all gay people together

in that way. So like, I always think of the recurring blue oyster bar gag in the police academy movies, where they're like leather dudes, but they dance the tango. Like it just, it's every sort of like, eh, that seems fruity. We'll just put it all in that one room, you know,

as though like we all mingle together or we all like, you know, pursue multiple fetishes at the same time. You know, it's so much work. It is a very cartoony, you know, idea of how this stuff works. It'd be like if they showed, you know, a Stuart like with a barbell in one hand

and delicately painting a war hammer figure in the other hand. It's like, pick a lame movie. Unrealistic. And it happened one person. All of Stuart's stuff. I'm glad that normally on your... It includes such multitudes. On your other podcast, you would have to say iffy,

but luckily you just swapped names on that one. Yeah, how comforting is it to have? You're basically interchangeable. We had the same birthday, it's wild. That's crazy. I know. Really? Yeah, yeah. Mm-hmm. And that's why I just like Garfield.

I can't. Anyway. You're voiced by Chris Pratt? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, everybody is now. That's why everyone's turned against me lately. Yeah, I feel like that's like the modern version of The Matrix, where Agent Smith is turning everybody into Agent Smith.

Chris Pratt is turning everyone into Chris Pratt. Dissimulating all the cartoon characters. Dan, are you excited about that new Sherlock Holmes animated movie they announced with Chris Pratt as Sherlock Holmes? Is there one? Is that an actual thing? No, it'd be pretty funny if there was. I heard Dan's fucking heart break when you said that. It did a little bit, although.

Dan, they figured out Sherlock Holmes would be better if he was a slacker loser. People have asked me this before, and my answer about Sherlock Holmes is like, I actually do whatever the fuck you want with Sherlock Holmes because there's so many versions of him out there that it's not going to bother me. I have my version of the character,

you can have yours, it's okay. I don't know, Dan, considering you did a presentation about Sherlock Holmes in England recently, where you seem to take real issue with the real Ghostbusters version of Sherlock Holmes. Well, just cause they left Winston football with their signatures on it. And granted, they had, the real Ghostbusters

had been playing football earlier in the episode, so that's why the football reoccurred, but I don't know why that has to be what Holmes and Watson sign as a memento of their encounter. Anyway, so they're on the boat, they're reading all of the stuff that's available to them on the cruise. They- Yeah, you all welcome back in. Yeah, they only get- Yeah, brochures reading all of the stuff that's available to them on the cruise. Yeah, you all, welcome back in.

Yeah, they only get, they start getting suspicious around the time they get to chest waxing is one of the things that can be done. And, but their fears are assuaged by- Only gay men groom. Straight men are supposed to keep their bodies in a natural state of disguise. That was the time where-

That year probably. Yeah, like around that time, if you took showers, you were considered metrosexual. You know? There is to this day an entire school of men's grooming that you will only buy like an exfoliating pad or a deodorant stick if it comes packaged to look like fishing tackle or dynamite. Yeah, yeah, like brass knuckles.

Thank you to our sponsor, Manscaping. Manscaped rules. We don't believe this, Dan. We don't believe it. We're all about grooming ourselves, removing hair, removing scents, removing fingernails if we have to. No, no, I'm just joking about the fact that they needed to put man in the title.

Although it is, you know. I mean, Manscaped, it could very easily be a gay product as well. A genderless product. Man is not a hetero word. Yes, anyone can use it. Their fears are swaged. Except for women, it says man right there in the title.

Sorry, ladies. Their fears are swaged by the entrance of their neighbor, Hector, in drag, and Sans dances around with Hector a bit, so. So this is one of many situations where people are able to just enter other people's state rooms without a key or anything, and I mean, I don't know if they've changed cruise ship technology significantly, but I don't think you can just do that, right?

Only on gay cruises, because we have no sense of boundaries. Sure. Thank you. that right? Only on gay cruises because we have no sense of boundaries. Thank you. Yeah that was the that was the thing about this that really I was like even on like a hetero sex cruise like even if like presume I know it's hard to believe, presume that the makers of boat trip are homophobic and hold bad, incorrect views about gay people. But on a hetero sex cruise, they wouldn't have no locks on anything and people wouldn't just be wandering in all over the place.

Like any sort of sex cruise, whether it be gay or not gay, there are still, yes, boundaries to be. Dan's pitching his own sex crews. There are clearly scheduled orgy moments and then there's a break. Yes. You need boundaries.

You need boundaries even in a sexual relationship. Yeah. Dan, I think they were hoping the audience would be so distracted by the over-the-top Latin stereotype that we're watching, that they wouldn't even think about those things. So at the bar, one of the bars on the boat, they meet Roger Moore and I perked up a little bit

just because Roger Moore's on screen. Yeah, fresh off of Spice World. If anyone leaves this movie with their dignity intact, it's Roger Moore. He's the only one, I feel like. In fact, I feel like he's the one one character the one actor in the movie who is Borderline not embarrassing himself constantly, but I don't know He's committing to the bit, but when you make this guy lick a breakfast sausage

He's the only guy who can he can do that terrible not funny bit and when it's over I'm like well He's a professional. Look, he's gonna do what they tell him to do. That's what it is. He's thinking of something like, I'm in a carry-on movie, basically. Yes, yeah. The material he's given is terrible,

but somehow he seems untouched by it in a weird way. Maybe it's just me remembering how funny he is in Spice World, and having the fumes of that, since we watched that recently. Anyway, he touts how much sex is on the cruise. He says they must visit the hole in one range where the chaps swing some very large clubs. Ugh, you don't forget what I said. Yeah, yeah, that's like, that's a level of double entendre, a fit for a big Johnson t-shirt.

And this is what I love. of double entendre, fit for a big Johnson t-shirt. And this is what I love, the double entendre- It's like a child wrote what they thought was a sexy joke. The double entendres are about to end, and I love this, so he asks if they have an open relationship, then invites them on a midnight swim to do whatever feels right, saying then, that is what a gay cruise is all about, which is

clucky dialogue for him to just say it that way but I was glad that someone told them directly because these two doofuses couldn't go on through the whole movie without realizing that they were on a gay cruise. I feel like that would have been funnier if at no point they actually realized it. It would be funnier if they were on this cruise, had sex with men, left the cruise, went home, never realizing it was a gay cruise or what was going on. And then at the movie end with them being like, that was a fun cruise.

And them never being so oblivious to everything that's happening around them. Our friends was right, cruises are really fun. Under the closing credits, like showing slides of the trip and having people be like, you realize you were on a gay cruise, like what? No! Of course we weren't.

Yeah, so the other shoe is dropped and Horatio Sans freaks out and Cubicating Junior faints from the absolute horror of probably being at the best party they've ever been to in their lives in the next week. Yeah. This is very, also feels like a strange thing to have in 2002, 2003, like a movie where straight men are,

they act as if they're on a boat filled with monsters. Yes. For a moment. They find out everyone's a werewolf. Yeah. Will and Grace was on the air at this point. Yeah. We can't pretend like this is the 1982 or something,

not that it would have been forgivable then either, but yeah, the level of hysteria, and all I kept thinking of was there's a thing that goes around the internet every so often where people say, the straight men who are the most upset about gay people are the ones who realize that, who think that gay men are gonna treat them the way they treat women.

And seeing how we have treated, how we've seen Horatio Sanza and Kubo Gooding Jr.'s characters treat women, I guess that's a valid fear on their behalf. Yes. Yeah, that's a good point. I also think, on some level, I think this movie is pretty good for representation because up to this point,

usually when there's gay characters in movies, they're like dressed well, they're well-spoken, they're a little bit fabulous, but I feel like the vast majority of people on this cruise dress like shit. This is a super norm core gay cruise. We could be anonymous Dullard's too. Yeah.

It's a rainbow stew, yeah, you're right. or gay crews. Yeah, we can be anonymous Delords too. Yeah. Yeah. You know. It's a rainbow stew. Yeah, you're right. Rainbow styles, tastes, yeah. Some dumb shenanigans where they get angry and roll in the bed together and. That's true. Somebody walks in and assumes that they're in bed together,

even though they're clearly angry and fully clucked. Yeah. I don't know, Elliot, have you ever done it before? I say Elliot, don't, don't slouch on me. Yeah, I've never had fight sex before where you're battling each other, but there is, but it is a- Don't knock it till you've tried it, baby.

That's another old fashioned joke where if two human beings are having any sort of physical contact and someone walks in, it must be sexual, you know, in their minds. You know, it's the same way it like noises off where you're, someone's helping someone else with a zipper and it's like, oh, this must be a blow job situation. It doesn't really make sense for these two characters

to be in a blow job situation, but I have to assume that's the case. They're on a gay cruise without door locks, all right? Everything is suspicious. Yeah, that's true. Do you think all the rooms on every deck connect at like one long court, like it's the back rooms, kind of like everything just kind of connects in one long apocalyptic corridor of door, open doors.

And it all leads to the driving range. Yeah. There's a brief montage of them. The ship is somehow larger on the inside than on the outside. It's a gay TARDIS. There's a brief montage of them not enjoying the entertainment on this cruise,

which of course makes sense, because if there's one area that gay people historically have not excelled in, it's the art, cabaret style performances. But Cuba is so drunk and despondent, he falls into the pool and hits his head. I got to say, this is the first time we see one of our, let's say our three leads, him, Cubagodin Jr., Horatio Sands, and Vivica A. Fox, they all have a scene where they get very drunk. And in every case, I'm like,

this person has never been drunk before in their life. Because they are behaving wild. Like, he has regressed to like childhood at this point. He's like stomping around like an angry baby. And I have spent a lot of time around drunk people and I have very rarely seen this kind of behavior. Yeah, that's a good point. Well, he is rescued by the-

But has Cuba Gooding Jr. ever been in your bar? Yeah. I hope not. He's banned. It wasn't before, he is now. He's rescued by Gabriella, who we will later learn is the ship's dance instructor. Meanwhile, Sans is so upset he's on this cruise. And this is Rosalyn Sanchez from your favorite show, Without a Trace.

I'm surprised you didn't mention that. Of course, Without a Trace. Yeah. About people who vanish, one presumes, without a trace. Oh, wow. It's like someone who's seen every episode. Yeah, Sansa's so distressed by- Oh, she was also on your other favorite show, Devious Maids.

Devious Maids? Yeah. They're so much more entertaining than straightforward maids. These maids are devious. They move all your stuff. I gotta say, that's a fucking good name. It is a good name. I know you can hire like a naked housekeeper, but do people advertise as I'm a devious housekeeper?

I mean, I would be in for it because I'm a fucking, I'm a fiend for drama, baby. I've switched out all of your clothes for one size smaller every time I'm a fucking I'm a fiend for drama, baby. I've switched out all of your clothes for one size smaller. I will do the laundry. I will change the sheets. I won't do windows. I will put a crocodile in your closet when you expect it. I love it. This made is I will seduce your fiance.

Sands is so distressed by being on this cruise. He shoots a flare up in the air to try and get the attention of the helicopter, only to hit the helicopter, which crashes into the water. At this point, later on, we find out that they survived. But at this point, did he just kill people? Yeah, I was kind of hoping that was gonna be the plot, the rest of the plot of the movie is desperate,

like, challenging Mr. Ripley-ing his way through life, trying to knock him out. Or Poirot shows up on the boat. Someone on here shot a flare at a helicopter. He's going to pin the murder on Roger Moore. Yeah. Only one of us has a license to kill. Ooh, yeah.

So, yeah. You know, Cuba gets returned to his room by Gabriela. He's all drunk, Sans is ranting and raving. Cuba falls on top of Sans, making Gabriela, of course, again, oh, you know, they can't keep their hands off each other. Anyway. They have so much chemistry together when they're not in bed.

So you know that they also, they can't keep their hands off each other, yeah. There are a lot of scenes like the next one where Roger Moore comes on to Horatio Sands at breakfast where I'm like, Roger, you could do better than this guy. What are you doing? The joke I think is that he is what is colloquially known as a chubby chaser.

And they're basically, if that is the case, they are recycling a joke from the Ritz, the Terrence McNally farce, which was turned recycling a joke from The Ritz, the Terrence McNally farce, which was turned into a film by Richard Lester, where I believe it's F. Murray Abraham plays a character who spends the entire movie trying to nab Jack Weston, who is actually a mobster who is hiding out in a gay bath house.

And that character was Sally Erie, right? That's the character. Twist. Bathhouse and that and that character was Sally airy right that's He's mad because Mozart gets much hotter guys, I feel like I have any try barely tries and they fall into his lap I've definitely seen clips from the Ritz, but I don't think I've seen the whole movie Ritz clips. Yeah I've seen it's amazing how sometimes like a piece of merchandising will outlast the original movie because they still sell Ritz crackers in the grocery stores. Yeah, it's wild. You know, if you haven't seen it, we should put on the Ritz.

Oh, okay. Why not? Now, this is a, I think Alonzo, that seems like a very merciful reading of what's going on. It feels to me like the fear of any of these kind of hetero guys in movies is always that gay men will not be able to let them go, will be so attracted to them. And it feels like it's some of that joke too, but it's hard to tell. And as Horatio has already told us, there's nowhere for him to go. Oh yeah, that's right. Again, great again, great. The hunters pick up the hunters.

They set up the problem and now he was the cat and now he's the mouse. He's hoisted his own petard and not in the sexy way. Yeah, I don't know what the code for, what petard is code for. They don't even have a handkerchief that color. You boys should really go down to the petard hoisting room. It's quite a fun time.

And so ironic. You did bring your own hoist, right? So at this point, Cuba is convinced he's in love with Gabrielle, even though he's essentially been unconscious all the time he's known her. Meanwhile- She is the other beautiful woman in the movie,

so he has to fall in love with her right away. Meanwhile, there are a bunch of bikini women who have been rescued from the sea, turns out they're from the crashed helicopter. Yep. I wish, I so wish, the way you described it, Dan, it made it seem like they got caught in a tuna net and had to be cut out of the net.

I so wish it was something like that. Yeah, they're mermaids in full human form. No, they're essentially the Swedish Bikini Team, I guess. If there's some kind of off-brand Swedish Bikini Team. Was that ever a real thing or was it just a beer? It's a competitive suntan thing. In the movie, not the Swedish Bikini Team was, yeah, it was a real thing. Were they like special forces for Sweden?

What is real? Did they have a car wash? I mean, they existed. It was a real competition, who knows? Are you asking if Spuds McKenzie was a real thing? That's the question. Spuds McKenzie was not a real competitive surfing dog. The Olympic committee is still not committed on this front. I mean, if breakdancing can be an Olympic event, why not dog surfing? There's nothing in the rule book. Wow, throwing shade to breakdancing. I'm actually very excited about the breakdancing competition

in this year's Olympics. I think it's gonna be really good. So Sans decides instead of, he's creeping all over these girls, instead of saying like he's heterosexual to hit on them, he's gonna pretend to be gay for a while so he can be gay for a while. So he's gonna be gay for a while. So he's gonna all over these girls, instead of saying like he's heterosexual to hit on them,

he's gonna pretend to be gay for a while so he can see them topless and massage tanning oil into them. This is one of our, again, one of our supposed heroes of this film. And Dan, do you wanna talk about the part where he mimes, he pretends he's having an orgasm so he can squirt suntan lotion like jizz all over the back of the bottom.

I don't want to talk about it. I'm glad you didn't. Do you want to talk about that? Yeah, and he does this like pretend O face, which was confusing for me, because as I've told you guys over and over, when I orgasm, I say, oh my God, like Janice from Friends every time.

That's how you did say that. Dan, do you want to mention how it's shot from below as if you are the prone victim? Horatio sans is sex. I don't want to talk about any of it, but unfortunately I have to talk about His ejaculate for some reason smells like coconut His erection is it also comes out with a kind of ketchup bottle squirt sound Which is you talk to a doctor if that's happening I don't think that when I introduce the words his erection any

Sport sound effect like the old Batman TV show was this movie's idea of restraint. Yeah, that's true. Yeah His erection is spotted by What do you think it sounds like when Don Martin cartoon characters ejaculate? What's the sound effect of that? I think you said it's just a splurt. It's like flubba-da-flubba-da-flubba-da-splurt. Something like that. God damn, I miss my calling being like a Don Martin aping erotic artist.

Are we talking about Chester Bestertester or Captain Cluck? I don't want to go online and Google Mr. Phone Bone comics. I just had a million dollar idea and that is... If it's related to Don Martin cartoons, it's probably not a million dollar idea. Yeah, yeah. Well, that was an ironic description anyway. An orgasm soundboard. It's a soundboard like when you have an orgasmm you can reach over and do like a wacky sound.

I guarantee you something like that exists Dan. You can sell that shit to like every shock choc in America. I was gonna say, I think morning zoo crews are way ahead of you on this. That does remind me, I may have talked about this before on the podcast, I don't remember. My old coworker, James Don, who I worked with at The Daily Show, how he used to,

he would set his, when I worked with him and a couple other people in one big room, he would set his computer to play an audio track of sex sounds he had found and then an audio track of fart sounds he had found and then just leave the room and leave these playing at the same time. Jimmy, he's smelling a little hussy screwing older, but yeah.

It's always funny every time, I mean, yeah. But it was always a good way to disrupt everybody else's work. I want to make it clear, this sign board though would not be for radio use. This would be for actual During the act of coitus during the act Well that reminds me of a reddit board that I saw once that I threw it that It was I was directed to where it was very touching This guy was writing about how his fantasy of having sex with a clown and everyone was kind of like encouraging him.

They're like, you should do this. You should do this. And then a couple weeks later he wrote about he met someone through the Reddit board. She made his fantasy come true and she set it up so there are all these little surprises. And when he came at the end, she had a tiny cream pie that she put in his face. And everyone was like, that's great. That's great. It was such a heartwarming story.

I want that. I want that. I hope there's a bicycle horn in here somewhere. There must have been. God, you have done so much for others. Why did you do that for me? Did she keep the big shoes on? I have so many questions. With so many things on the internet,

this could just be bullshit, but I want to believe. But I'd like to believe that dreams do come true occasionally. Yeah, anyway, back to, I don't wanna say this, but back to Horatio Sansa's erection, it is spotted by Lynn Shea, the muscular coach of the bikini team. And she beats him up for creeping on the team.

This was farther than I thought the movie would go, frankly, was to have a character, to have her literally point at his erection through his pants and be like, what's that all about? And he goes, I saw that hot guy over there, that's why. I did not think we were gonna have a joke where you actually see someone's erection through their pants. But, both trips all about pushing boundaries,

it's like John Waters that way, you know? Does she slap it like Josh O'Connor and Mike Feist in Challengers? Yeah. I wanna pause on Lynne Shea for a moment because I think she is a legend. She deserves much better. This movie maligns in a terrible way.

I mean, she made her screen debut in Hester Street, like one of the great indie films of the 1970s. And in the Insidious series, she has really gotten the real estate to like create this amazing character. And I'm such a huge fan of her and I died a little inside every time she appears in this movie and they humiliate her with such relish.

Yeah, I texted Stu and Elliott saying that this movie needs to apologize to Lynne Shea. I mean, it needs to apologize to many people. Humanity in general. Yeah, the whole world. Especially Linge. I feel like some of the blame can be laid at the feet of the Farrelly brothers, because didn't they use her in a similar type

of situation in Kingpin? And there's something about Mary. Yeah, and she's game. Like she is clearly going with it and committing to the bit, but the bit is rancid. It's terrible. I mean, by the bit is rancid. It's terrible. I mean, by the time later when she is, she's deep throating a baseball bat.

Yes, yes. It's like, but she, similar to Roger Moore, I feel like she gets out of this with her dignity intact because she's so committed to it that you feel like you're seeing a performer doing the role rather than, QB and Junior and Rayshio Sands are so half-assed that you're like, is this what they're like?

Are they really these jerks? And I should mention, this is, Lynchay is amazing, but this is the third movie she's been in that we've covered on the Flophouse. So. Wow. What are the other two? I mean, one was Critters. Okay. And one was.

Well, that was a good movie. And she's also, she has a small part in Brain Smash or a Love Story. So. Also not that bad. So those were both movies that we kind of liked to a certain extent. Maybe we'll go three for three. Stay tuned. Yeah, I think this is where Miss J's award run ends.

And the streak ends. We didn't even mention the fact that this is a movie that is not available normally in any fashion. You can only find it on YouTube that has the subtitle, what, greatest comedy movie ever? Is that what it is? It was like, Co-Trip greatest comedy movie ever. It was uploaded by just a random person. I could only, we were looking for this,

and I could only find, the only way to watch it, other than buying an old DVD of it, I guess, is to go on YouTube and look that up, or there's a German dubbed version that's on, like, Dailymotion or something. And otherwise, this movie is unavailable to stream. It's been disappeared. On major platforms.

And I have a theory. This movie was produced by Brad Cravoy and his company, Motion Picture Corporation of America, who currently makes like those innocuous Hallmark-like Christmas movies on Netflix and produces the hit Hallmark series, When Calls the Heart, which is like the sappiest thing on television.

So I think maybe he's a little embarrassed that this is part of his past, just a theory. I don't know anything, but I just, I know that it is not- Yeah, you don't know anything about Hallmark movies or Christmas movies. I'm just saying, I don't know if Mr. Kravoy embraces the multitudes he contains or not, but this is definitely not

what he's about now. Yeah, yeah. So later on in the ship casino, Sands for some reason is convinced that gay men can't gamble and he's gonna clean up. That he's, if this is a stereotype I've never heard that gay men are bad at poker, I've never, I've never, and there's no, they don't even make any double and toner jokes

about poke or anything like that. It's the- Well, the Lady Gaga song hadn't been recorded yet, so people would know that we were actually, you know. Amazing at it. And there's a, there's a move, there's a moment in here where- It's amazing that people who,

through no fault of their own, often have to hide a major aspect of their lives from this world that they're good at keeping a straight face playing cards. Amazing, how can you not know? Gays know how to bluff, what? There's a moment in here where Jerry, could be a good junior's character,

wants him to promise that he won't act like a homophobe Neanderthal, and I'm like, you're the guy who fainted when you realized you're on a gay cruise. Like this is a real turnaround to you to suddenly be like, now let's be sensitive. Hold on, yeah. Be progressive like me.

Yeah, the movie remembered that he's supposed to be the nice guy. Because this is, I imagine the people making this movie thought they like that, like when, we'll get to Hector's heartfelt speech later, but they thought they were making, I assume, a progressive movie. The same way this movie was, it lost the Razzie

for worst movie, for worst director and worst actor to Gilly, another movie that thinks it is saying something progressive, but in actuality is not. Yeah, this is the kind of movie that thinks, well, we're not advocating that gay men be rounded up and shot in the street. So like, where's my GLAAD Award? I would love it if they had a huge GLAAD Award campaign. Yeah, well, I mean, the character arc for them is like,

oh, gay men are people. Actual human beings with souls. Yeah, well we'll get to it later on, but like the most charitable viewing of this movie, one that I do not hold, but like. I mean the most charitable viewing is if you screened it for like some sort of benefit for GLAAD or something like that.

That's very charitable. No, I don't think that would be. Look how far we've come. Yeah, exactly. I think that would be a very unhareable thing to do with people there. I mean, you don't sh— I mean, the money goes to GLAAD. No members of the organization have to watch the movie. And before the movie, you get Orville Peck to come on to play some songs.

There you go. Make a whole night of it. Because the benefit, we throw away a copy of MOTRIP for GLAAD. I will say, when the other online movie people, when they destroyed all those copies of Nuki, I was like, hey, like that's a bad movie, but that's like, I don't like the idea of destroying physical pieces of art. If you destroyed every copy of Boat Trip, I'd be fine. Like, there's no reason this needs to exist.

Just burn them all. There's a period of time where people forget the past, man. That's true. You have one in a museum. It's like, it's a Confederate statue. You keep one in a museum so people can remember the mistakes, yeah. Okay, well, you've successfully almost made me forget my point, but it was that the most charitable viewing,

again, one I do not hold, would be like, we are slipping in this message of tolerance in a form that the biggest doofuses would be receptive to it. So we put it- Let's make the movie,ophobes would find funny and then we'll slip in a message and they'll walk out changed.

Yes, but unfortunately it's boat trip, it's horrible. So anyway, Sans of course does terribly at poker, but he is connecting with these men through the shared masculine language of poker. So maybe that'll help him change his mind. At one point... And isn't one of the people he's playing poker with is the slob part of the brain from Herman's head, right? Yes, it is. And I believe they're the dealer who at one point calls three-card Monte, which is not a poker variant. It is a street scam.

Yeah. Poker variants it is a street scam. Yeah, but Cuba finally finds Gabriella and immediately falls into the pool again Garrenton laughs every time every there's nothing funnier than falling It's a wonderful life understood it people follow you fools funny Sansa Boulevard understands it especially if they do it three times Sansa's ways every joke is funny or three times finds Inga from the bikini team who because she is Swedish and loose in her morals Sansa's he's like

It's my understanding from your films that you'll just have sex with anyone, basically, is what he says, and she's like, yeah, if you were straight, I totally would, and he's like, yeah, I'm straight. So they're gonna have sex, except. And this is Miss World Sweden, Victoria Silvestet. Silvestet, whose name I always think is Silverstet, but it's not.

And mind you, the idea that Horatio Sanz has watched a lot of Swedish erotica feels like a joke from 1973. Like this is 2002, Americans were making plenty of pornography at that point. You didn't have to sit through all of I Am Curious Yellow's political diatribes to see some penetration, you know? He's like, the Mondo-Kani sauna scenes lead me to believe that. It is, I mean, I bet you that is.

I have a bunch of vinegar syndrome schoolgirl reports that I've been watching. I watched Bergman's summer with Monica and. It's led me to believe. I think a lot of this is, you have to lay at the feet of Mort Nathan, I assume. He is working off the frame of reference of an older person who's making this movie.

They made him cut all the Nixon jokes. But while Sands is busy buying condoms, Lynch as the coach comes in. An actual funny joke, by the way. Describe the joke, tell us about the joke. So, okay, Horatio Sands goes into the shop on the cruise ship and says, do you guys have any condoms? And every single person in the scene, customer and clerk alike, pulls out a different kind

of condom. Because you know what, it was 2002 and gays were all wearing them a lot. Even that funny joke has an undercurrent of tragedy to it. I mean, sure, but I mean, so does this movie. Yeah, fair point, fair, yeah. Lynn Shea is like, you can't be entrusted in this room with a mini bar Inga, because you eat too much to be on this bikini team,

which led to a scene I never expected to see, which is Lynn Shea grabbing Victoria Silvestret's bikini butt over and over, calling her fatty fatty as she pushes her out of the room. Oh cool, yeah, that's a cool another layer of bad messaging of this movie. You know, okay, so... The lynchay scenes, I feel like the movie reaches a heightened level of kind of like extreme... I don't know exactly how to put it. It feels like in those moments the movie gets like harsher and weirder and rougher

in a way that I did not expect from a studio. I don't feel safe now. Yes, yeah. And if this was a, if there's a movie, I feel like there's a movie where Lynne Shay is doing that same character in that same performance, but the whole movie is pitched that way, and it's a very camp movie, for lack of a better word,

and that would make more sense to me. It feels like she's doing a camp role in a movie that is not a camp movie. Well, yeah, like they can't decide, is she the sort of like traditional, you know, dikey coach that's like, you know, tormenting all of her young charges, or is she a horny old broad, you know?

And like, it just, it's whatever she needs to be in the moment to do something that is offensive or outrageous. And so they're just kind of stringing along these, as with everything else in this movie, a bunch of dumb stereotypes in the thought that anyone is gonna find this amusing. I did find that very confusing,

because it was like, okay, so this is very much a butch lesbian stereotype, and yet she's also like chasing Horatio Sands, like, you know, she's in a Tex Avery cartoon or something. But- If the movie had been about Horatio Sands, he has, before he gets on the trip, he's like, oh, I'll get some new sunblock.

He accidentally picks up radioactive sunblock from a laboratory experiment that the ex body spray people have been doing. They're like, the attractiveness level of this body spray, this sunblock is just too powerful. We can't let out in the public, but it gets out by accident like a inner space type scenario. And now everyone is chasing after him.

That would make more sense. Maybe it's a cut scene. Yeah, yeah, it's probably cut out. And that's why Liz Shea and Roger Moore can't keep their eyes off him. Off-Potion number nine. There's also a smarter movie in which it turns out that all of Horatio Sansa's egregious skirt-chasing is a cover for his own nascent homosexuality that he discovers while taking the boat trip,

but nobody wanted to make that movie, at least not this crowd. The movie faints at that, briefly. It faints in that direction, yeah. Not the way Cubotty Jr. fainted, but it seems like it's gonna be that movie and then the movie is like, I don't think so. Wait, is this when he goes back to his friends, his new friends' room? I'll tell you exactly where we are in the plot, Stuart.

Thank you for redirecting us. Dan's the captain of this ship and Stuart is the navigator. I'm the mate. You know, Cuba and Gabrielle are bonding some because she thinks he's gay. She's comfortable to tell him he has a hot ass and she's like, oh, I'm so tired of being around

hetero men who are always hitting on me and I don't have to worry about that. And it's great to be on a gay cruise. And if I get horny, maybe I can find a gay man to do me the quote favor of screwing my brains out, which is not, I think, how it works, but it does convince Cuba to keep up this charade

in the hopes that he can be said, you know, fetus of utility. There's this thing called Bisexuals movie. Yeah, that's the other thing. Also sub utility there's this thing called bisexuals The other thing I Feel like if you told anyone working on this movie that that was the thing that existed they would be they would be shocked They would faint the way that people do they'd be like what it's not women Well, yeah, their head would start overheating They'd start making a noise like a computer fan that's been running for too long.

And they'd have to phone the pool to cool down. Yeah. So, you know, returning to the low comedy of Horatio Sanz. So you're saying this is, yeah, this is a classic structure of high comedy story, low comedy story that parallel each other. Okay. Exactly. Like, much to do about nothing. Exactly. Like, much to do about nothing. Yeah. Much to do about poetry.

Harishio, thinking he's performing Cunnilingus on Inga, he's instead going down on Lin Chay who clamps her thighs onto him like Xenia on a top in GoldenEye. And she rides him to completion and he's only able to get her off by spraying her with a fire extinguisher so that when all the other girls burst into the room it looks like smoke is coming from between her legs and Inga says her pussy exploded so that's a thing that's in the movie Boat Trip. Yeah it's also and this is again this is the this is a boat where all the doors are open all the time they're unlocked all the time and what this classic classic first thing of somebody walking into a dark room,

not realizing the person they expect to be there is not there. And just not bothering even to check, to double check who it is. It's happened to me so many fucking times. You know, on land, Vivica Fox. Also, a cruise that had enough unbooked cabins to accommodate the Swedish bikini team after their helicopter crash. I wish that now I wish there was a scene where they're like this is the final year of this cruise. We cannot, we're just not getting enough passengers.

Back on land Felicia slash Vivica A. Fox seems dissatisfied with her new boyfriend, stares wistfully at a photo of her in Cuba that's still in her home. Meanwhile. That's a bold move to break up with somebody and still have the studio portrait you took with them just sitting on the table. Yeah, yeah, it's like confirmation of your kill. Skimming over a little. What was the reason?

Was it just that he seems like a dumb guy? What was the reason that she was suddenly off him? I don't know. Do we really need to get into it? He's bad at detailing cars apparently because he can't control the buffer. He's like buffing a car and then she not quite flashes him because she's wearing a knight underneath

and he loses control of it. And she takes this very clear scene that he is sexually attracted to her as like, we've got to get rid of him, no thanks. Ick's name. Yeah, I'm just going gonna skim over some stuff. You know, Cuba enlists Horatio in the scam to keep acting gay so he can woo Gabrielle, which is dumb, but these are two idiots, so I believe it on that level. Yeah, this is the Chuck and Larry portion of the movie There's a dance scene where

You know sans cut cuts loose dances a little bit more seems momentarily interested and maybe being Roger Moore sugar, baby Until his homophobia wins out They hang out some more blah blah blah Where he and that guy share that bottle of Louie the 13th? Not yet one of many similarities Trying this movie and the holdovers. Stewart's been trying to get to this scene for a long time. There's the scene in here I mentioned before where Sans tries to get back to Inga and is intercepted by Lynn Shea who deep threats a baseball bat.

By way of saying that she can please him as well. It doesn't have to be just a one-way thing. And it's one of these things where it's like, Gratio, I know you've got your eye on this bikini model, but this is exactly what you wanted when you signed onto this cruise. You wanted to find a single woman who wanted nothing more than to have sex with you.

It's being offered to you on an open platter. Like, go for it. And is she quite possibly the only woman on earth who would find his oral skills satisfactory? Yeah, that's implied by the mood. I honestly don't believe that character is that unselfish a lover, frankly. No, and also later on he talks about how he's only had sex once, so he's never done that before, probably. Unless he's the Mozart of Cunnilingus, and he's just a natural born prodigy.

We can only assume that. And Salieri is fuming. In comes F. Marie Abraham in a towel. Sally Arey is like, oh, it takes me so much longer to get women off and I'm trying really hard. I read books on it. Mozart, he barely even tries this first time.

We can only assume that it's because she clamps so hard onto his face that he's screaming for help and that is, you know, like the vigorous. Yeah. There's a really long scene of Cuba Gooding Jr. to his face that he's screaming for help and that is, you know, like the vigorous. Add some vibration. Yeah. There's a really long scene of Cuba Gooding Jr. and Gabriella dancing. This goes on forever. It goes on so long.

At a certain point, you are just watching two actors dance with no character to it and no scene to it. And it's like, so the movie wasn't long enough? Everything falls away, right, Elliott? All artifice just falls away and you were left with two bodies moving in rhythm. Artifice falls away and they're just art. Yeah, you're right. You know what? That's true.

If I follow the rules I set in my Nuki presentation years ago, this is just seeing two people existing on film, no longer characters, no longer in a scene, but just being the characters they are, just dancing. You know what? This is art. You know what? Boat Trip's a great movie, now that we talk about it, yeah. In the same way that Fred and Ginger weren't having sex,

they just took it to the floor, you know? Exactly. They're not particularly great dancers, I think is part of the issue. We should mention. Is that when Kiefer Jr. and Rosalind Sanders are dancing, they're not, it's not funny, like, bad dancing. It's just kind of, it looks like you're just watching

two people at a wedding. Like, it's not, there's nothing going on. And it's not like the scene in, is it God's Country? Is that the Louis Mall documentary where you're watching this small wedding and people are dancing and there's something kind of profound about just existing in the moment

of this kind of rural wedding. It's not that, you're just watching two idiots, just dancing and that's it. That's it. Around this point, Sans has a conversation with Hector about how he's finally seeing gay men as full human beings but he still feels weird about hanging out with them, which makes him realize that maybe he's a jerk and Hector talks about his coming out and how his dad eventually accepted love to man and his dad wasn't a jerk in either Sans

I'm like, I don't know about stands. He is a jerk even if he's setting aside the homophobia the rest of his personality He's a jerk and neither Sands. I'm like, I don't know about Sands. I mean, he is a jerk. Even if he's setting aside the homophobia, the rest of his personality, he's a jerk. Yeah. Gabriella and Jerry take some undefined drugs and she wants him to show her to get better head with a banana and he's too homophobic to even blow a piece of fruit. So he asked her to show her technique

This is now the second actress who performs fellatio on an object in the movie boat trip Okay, so I gotta I gotta give this character a hot tip if if a woman you're interested is like show me some sexual stuff Just fucking do it dude. Just like go nuts because he behaves as if like if he were to take his wiener out You would be like it would be like I don't know. I don't even look at it. I don't know It's very strange to me also peel the banana I mean that would be it would be again This would be a funny joke if she's like show me what to do on this and he's like, uh, and he unpeels it And then puts it up and puts it in some cereal

So anyway, I just need to get through this next thing because it is insane. All right, just do it, no one's stopping you. So anyway. Jerry is so overcome with horniness seeing this that she's like, where'd you go? And cut to him in the stateroom bathroom, he's sticking his dick out the window

and then cut to a man downstairs talking to Roger Moore saying, for goodness sake, Lloyd, just kiss me first. And he has cum on his face. He's weird to believe that Cuba has ejaculated out the window onto an unsuspecting man. Now let's look at the physics of this. So he felt he could not go into the bathroom, a place where things that come out of your penis

often end up and can be taken away. He had to go to a porthole and stick his penis out of the porthole. Again, luckily this is not the porthole of time and his penis doesn't show up in 17th century France for Robsbierre to oppress him or something. Now if the ship is traveling forward at 250 knots per hour.

Yeah, this is what Dan, what if he had stuck his dick out at the porthole of time, he ejaculates on a butterfly, everything changes. But, and then, like, I couldn't tell if it was that, like, the wind caught it and brought it back around into the room on the ship. That's what happens? Yeah, they were like, yeah, it got caught by the wind.

I thought it was just on, like, the platform below. They're out on the deck, you know. Yeah. That's assuming the boat isn't moving at all though, because I think there's wind and drag involved here. Yeah, that's true. And not the kind of drag we'll be getting later in the movie.

You wanted a shot where the camera took the jizz eye view and we get to follow the jizz. Yeah, like the hardcore Harry type. Like a forest gump with the feather, but it's just jizz. And one flute on the soundtrack. If that was jizz instead of a feather and Forrest Gump, it would be a very different movie. I don't see it winning Best Picture.

That's Forrest Pump. Yeah. He's just, he's jizzing into chocolates and then serving them to people. Oh, boy. He's just, he's just, he's jizzing into chocolates and then serving them to people. And the, but also that when he says, oh, buy me, buy me a meal, a dinner first, just something like that. Like, so you're having me believe three things. One on a gate, even on a gay cruise, it is unpleasant to be surprised by having ejaculate. But you're surprised by that?

Or no, no, no. I think like the idea that he's so nonplot that he's so nonchalant about yeah but also that was Roger Moore supposed to have ejaculated out of his nose like he's standing next to you fully clothed I would say that's too fully dressed but where does he think that came from exactly? If I was on a cruise I would have seen that Like the joke should have been that he thought a seagull pooped on him or something like that like that's something that happens on cruises. That would make sense to me. Or maybe it's on a fucking-

Or there'd be a poolside orgy 15 feet away, you know? Yes, yeah. Or a seagull jizzed on him. Do they do that? Or a seagull jizzed on him, yeah. Seagulls have needs to. Boat Trip wants it to be absolutely clear to you that this is Jerry's cum on this man's face.

And it wants you to laugh and laugh and laugh at this fact. Everyone should have had the Gallagher poncho on because they were clearly in the smash zone. Anyway. But it is a weird choice to ejaculate out of a porthole. Rather than say into a tissue. And to think that the guy next to you wearing pants did it to you.

Yes, yeah. I gotta admit, I had to rewind and rewatch the sequence again just to make sure that I actually saw what I thought. The storytelling is also not clear. Like it's also not, it's not well edited. Yeah, yeah, George Miller didn't put this together. Oh, there would have been, George Miller did, it would have been all shots that are less than a second

long, like half a second, and it would have been so clear andilt, it would have been all shots that are less than a second long, like half a second. And it would have been so clear and exciting. You'd know exactly what was happening. It would be centered in the frame, no matter how much motion was going on around it. Oh, what a great filmmaker. Also, how bad is sex with Kubu Gooding Jr. if all he has to do is watch a woman mime Felicia

on a banana and he comes in two seconds. Hands free. Good point. Yeah, okay, his hands are like braced on the sides of the wall, right? As if he's worried that the force of the ejaculate will propel him backwards, like finding a gun on the moon. Or he's gonna go out the porthole crotch first if he's not careful.

Yeah. Anyway, Stuart, this is, we finally got into the senior. Anyway, happy Pride Month everybody. Woo! LGBT visibility everybody. Horatio's hanging out with one of his new friends in their stateroom, they drink too much. Of Louis XIII, the very fancy booze.

Okay, yeah, what is this type of alcohol, Stuart? The king, who is is king you seem very Junior penis going through the porthole to there was a ton like it used to be like the fanciest of fancy I think it's a cognac. Okay, but it's like you used to be the fanciest of fancies Remember the bottle of cognac that Paul Giamatti steals at the end of the holdovers steals at the end of the Holdovers. Yeah, it's that kind of thing. Oh, okay. It's one of many similarities between this and-

And these numbnuts doing shots of it? Like this seems- The Holdovers is basically just- Practically a remake, yeah. Yeah, just boat trip, you know. Anyway, he wakes up in this man's bed, which causes him to scream and run back to his own room, and he admits that he hasn't had sex since high school.

I will say this sequence is less upsetting than the sequence in Ace Ventura when he finds out he slept with. Oh, good lord. When he finds out he just was kissed by someone. Yeah. Yeah, he was trans, I guess. Yeah, I guess we stepped over that low bar, but.

So you're saying in the 10 years between Ace Ventura and Boat Trip, there had been a minimal amount. Yeah, small. A millimeters progress. He is now wondering whether he is gay, and instead of following up on this dramatic thread, we immediately cut away to Gabrielle,

who's showing Jerry around some Greasius Island and while they're ashore Felicia Vivica Fox appears having tracked him down gets on the boat unbeknownst to him. You can't just do that man. Found the boat, gets on the boat, also doesn't know it's a gay crew. I was about to say also clueless about the nature of this cruise. The people in Clueless had more of a clue than his characters. I would argue that many of the characters in Clueless had more of a clue than his characters.

I would argue that many of the characters in Clueless have plenty of clues. I think it's a murder mystery. What about without a clue? Michael Caine, anyway. Inga says goodbye to Nick slash Horatio Sands, inviting him to come to Sweden and have sex with her anytime, but he's got a new gayer attitude, and he's like, I don't care anymore. And this leads his buddy to be like,

you know, we didn't actually have sex, which immediately ends him questioning his sexuality, and he sends him running after Inga. He's like, if I can't score a hottie like his friend who just made, which is just like, dude, he's way out of your league, Horatio Sanz. I would believe that Horatio Sanz is so not in touch with his own feelings and emotions that he doesn't even know what type of human being he's attracted to

until someone tells him, basically. And there's a scene here where Roger Moore and Hector lament losing this doofus to heterosexuality and that rang less than true to me that they would be disappointed. What a loss for everyone. Yeah. I think they say like he could have been one of the best or something like that. Yeah.

Yeah, what are the rankings these days? Yeah. Anyway, Gabrielle kisses Cuba beneath a tree and she apologizes for me pushing him into something he doesn't want to do and he's like, whatever, let's do it. And they fuck so hard a bunch of oranges fall from the tree. Not just a bunch, a fucking mountain of oranges. They are neck deep in oranges.

It covers their entire bodies, thus making the movie PG-13. What? I don't know. But it's a... It is a... Perfect grocery store pyramid. Yeah. Well, yeah, now that he got that,

now that he got that confidence nut out the fucking porthole, he's got plenty of stamina to knock all those fruits off the tree. Yeah, but right after that, immediately afterward, she's regretful because there's no future for them and she needs some time alone. And she goes back to the boat where she meets Vivica Fox in the elevator.

That's when Vivica Fox learns it's a gay cruise and she's like, what? I came here to get back with my boyfriend. What's going on? And someone in the dancing stage show is too sick to dance. So what option? Jerry Subzine. Too sick to dance sounds like it could be

like a 30s backstage musical. Yeah. Jerry Subzine, I'm not sure why, cause he hasn't. You're going out there a chorus boy, but you've got to come back a star. Yeah. Jerry subs in, I'm not sure why, because he hasn't- You're going out there a chorus boy, but you've got to come back a star. Yeah. But I'm too sick to dance. There's only one cure for you.

That's tapping your feet. He puts on a- Or a fan. Ha ha ha ha. Call in the dance doctor. I'm prescribing to, actually, this sounds like the scene in the musical that the backstage musical is about. Yeah. It's like, Doc, Doc, I'm sick. I'm prescribing to, actually this sounds like the scene in the musical that the backstage musical is about.

It's like, Doc, Doc, I'm sick. I'm prescribing to dance and feet and call me in the morning. And then they sing a song about, you know, the best medicine or something. At a sold out house. Your feet are too sad. It all devolves into, into Busby Berkeley, geometric patterns of women on the floor anyways.

So it doesn't really matter what the song is about. Jerry Don's a gold headdress mesh gold chain top and shorts and he does the dance and Though dude, yeah, he's not great, but you see his little butt at one point. What's I'm coming out. I'm coming out Yeah, right because I really ran the movie out of porthole. He learned Earlier in the movie out of porthole. He learned Sees up a porthole feet getting jr. Sperm. Yeah Earlier in the movie when he learning how to be gay basically just meant learning the lyrics to I will survive that was pretty much it Because again, this movie's really just got its finger on the gay pulse.

The gay men of 2003, they could not get enough of I Will Survive. This of course convinces Felicia all the more that he's gay. They have a confrontation about how she wants him back where he makes a lot of talk to the hand gestures. To be fair to Felicia, if I was tracking down my ex-boyfriend to get him back, where he makes a lot of talk to the hand gestures. And- To be fair to Felicia, if I was tracking down my ex-boyfriend to get him back, I found out he was on a gay cruise

and he was performing in drag, performing this song, I'm Coming Out, I would, it would be hard for him to convince me that he wasn't actually gay. If you were doing that, I would think that you would already know that he was gay. Yeah, yeah. I mean, to be honest, if I was in a relationship with this person and I didn't have a feeling that he was gay. Yeah, yeah. I mean, to be honest,

if I was in a relationship with this person and I didn't have a feeling that they were gay and then I suddenly found them in this situation and I didn't suddenly have flashbacks to many, many incidents where I should have realized it, that's on me then, at that point. Yeah, it doesn't feel like a jump to conclusions, let's say. Yeah, like my wife is aware-

Which role are you going to be, Elliot? Are you the Vivica A. Fox character in the Cuba Gooding you the are you the Vivica Fox character? I'm the Vivica Fox in this situation say I kind of feel like you could pull off that Cuba outfit He's wearing there with the Headpiece and all the chains if I was if I'd be lying if I said the thought didn't pass through my head that I could Pull it off if I really tried I was saying that you Elliot Kaelin would presumably already know that your boyfriend was gay if I have a boyfriend Yes, yeah, they would be I presumably already know that your boyfriend was gay. If I have a boyfriend, yes.

I would be very shocked. That would be the first. Elliot, hear me out. The gold lame, peacock feather ensemble, but we add a Carmen Miranda fruity headdress. I mean, the only thing that I don't like about that is I hate fruit, don't want to be near it, don't like to eat it, don't like to touch it or smell it.

But otherwise, I think it'd be great. I think it's a great look, yeah. What if it's wax? Okay. Yes, then a hundred thousand percent. Yes But I was gonna say instead of how about instead of that? It's like ham and chicken fried If it was a Carmen Miranda headdress of just Popeyes fried chicken, then yes The only problem is I'm gonna keep trying to eat it while I'm dancing which and also the hot grease that's flowing down my head Which would be very distract. I think although I'm now about a Carm Randa headdress with the centerpiece is the Colonel's bucket, you know? And I think that could really work.

It's kind of off angle, just slightly. Yeah, that's a solid main stage look on an episode of Drag Race. Like, category is franchise restaurants. I'm presenting Herbs and Sp spices realness with this one. Oh, look at Elliott. Sexy Wendy's. I was going to say earlier, my wife is so good at recognizing that I am annoyed at her before it even occurs to me that I'm annoyed at her about something.

That the idea that Vivica K. Fox does not know her boyfriend might be gay is, she says they don't have a great relationship. I guess that's really what it is. They don't listen. Yeah, I mean, I feel like we, it's pretty clear. Well, anyway, he yells a lot about how he's not gay and how he pretended just to be with this girl. Classic joke setting up the greatest joke in movies, right?

Yeah, he does a literal, she's right behind me, isn't she? And at that point I throw my television out the window. Yeah, SCTV style. I pluck my eyes out into a meat grinder Puncture my ear drums with knitting needles. Yeah, and I have blessed peace What a terrible what a terrible like oh man in 2002 Yeah, that's a to they're doing that joke Hmm and Felicia's like well, it seems like we both had our fling.

I'm willing to overlook yours if you'll overlook mine and we can get married. And there's a genuinely surprising smash cut to some wedding photos being taken of the two of them. It turns out they are not married just yet. These are pre-wedding photos. Well, there's both times. Yeah, yeah.

You say it as if it's obvious. Yeah, people often take photos before the ceremony. Yeah. Yeah, and after though, I'm saying. And before. Afterwards, anarchy breaks out. Oh God. Anyway, point is they're not married yet.

We meet Felicia's father. After the wedding, the dress is too covered in chicken blood from the end of the ceremony. So they can't, yeah. The court of Derrick is there. Fleece's father is- I don't even know what stereotype I'm leaning into. I don't know.

I have no idea. I just want to get out the sentence. Fleece's father is played by Richard Roundtree. Totally wasted in this role. He does almost nothing. He's barely in the movie. I want to point out that Richard Roundtree played one of the, played a gay character

on the short-lived TV show, Rock, ROC, which was a very big deal at the time. I mean, it was a one episode thing, but it was like, ooh, Shaft is playing a gay guy. Like he was one of the first sort of traditionally like, you know, famous for playing a big macho character, character actors to then be like, and yes, I'm now playing a gay guy on this TV show.

Yeah. And he's like, I got my eye on you, which doesn't, it seems like it might pay off, but doesn't, we'll get there. It doesn't, and also the fact that he is best known as Shaft, and this is a movie that should be full of dick jokes also. Yeah, interesting.

Shaft involves're cops. See, that sounds sarcastic. Linda Holmes, that sounds sarcastic, but I did like that joke. During the wedding, the officiant, played by Thomas Lennon, is distracted by his wife running off with someone else, which briefly confused me because he has a clerical collar,

which I associate with Catholicism, but apparently Anglicans, Methodists, Presbyterians, Lutherans, not all ministers. No, let's get in the weeds on this one. But they can, but apparently Anglathans, Methodists, Presbyterians, Lutherans, not all ministers. No, let's get in the weeds on this one. But they can, but they often do wear clerical. I mean, Reverend Lovejoy on the Simpsons wears a clerical collar and he's married.

Yeah, but. He's a cartoon, Elliott. I mean, I forgot that. I forgot the Pope said that cartoon priests can get married. I do believe that Protestantism is something that I know a little bit more about. And that is like, this is not actually common unless you are relatively close to.

Well, maybe for big showy events like weddings, they pull out all the stops. Thomas Lennon looks like a baby. He looks so young in this. Yes. And it's a very, and it feels like a very unnecessary go-to joke to have the person officiating it also like mad at his wife or mad at some person in his past that he can't stop bringing up. That was

very of the time joke. So they get to the part about are there any objections and the poker buddies from the Cruz and Horatio Sands all the cagey until Sands finally speaks up and he says, Jaren used to be the person he really loves and that's me and he kisses him to cover for says, Jerry needs to be with the person he really loves and that's me. And he kisses him to cover for saying that he knows where Gabriella is. I guess this is to show that he's overcome his homophobia but it seems like an unnecessary distraction.

He'd just be like, let's go. Especially since he runs off with Jerry. It's not like that, like he could, he just say, no, you should be with Gabriella and I know where she is, let's go. Like it's, unless he thinks he needs to shock Jerry out of this marriage stupor. Could be.

Also, well, they're so high. And we're also, we're also setting up, you know, the remainder of the film in which gay people are useful as long as they're there to assist straight people in their agenda. Yeah, yeah. This is the point where they're like, also let's run away from the scary dad.

The dad does not chase them, you know? There's no payoff for that. They run outside into- I wonder if they hired Richard Grouchy, they cast him, and they were like, and now there's the scene where you're chasing after them, and then you fall into a cake, and he's like, not happening.

You slip on a giant turd. The bride's dad in Arthur is scarier than this guy. I mean. So they run outside. Hector's fire truck is waiting to speed them away to a prop plane where Roger Moore makes a big speech about his military service, proving, I guess, that gay people are valuable

because they can also be butch. I don't know. He's actually playing folks in this movie, which no one knows, but that's a Roger Moore deep cut for anybody who wanted that one. There's one moment in this where they're in the fire truck and the siren is going, and then we see that a police officer has also stopped traffic,

I guess, that they can go faster, and Hector arranged with him, and he's, I guess, also a gay police officer. And there's a brief moment of like If this movie there's a I could see this movie Turning into like an invasion of the body snatchers type thing We're in here and her asians are just learning how many people around them are gay and positions with authority and power Yeah, there is an organization for gay cops and firemen called guns and hoses. Thank you, I'm not making that up. It's a real thing. That's amazing.

What a great name. So they parachute onto the new cruise where Gabriella's working, which of course by the rules of screenwriting symmetry is a lesbian cruise. They drop into the pool, again, symmetry. He declares his love. Good writing, Dan, it's called good writing.

Someone read Sympia. It's great fucking writing, man. They saved the cat, man. That cat was saved. Dan, answer me, is the cat saved or is it not saved? I don't recall a cat. We did see a movie about a cat on a boat, but it was like a mutant cat.

Yeah, that cat did not get saved. Did they save that cat? Oh, I've seen that one, but look, the dog is saved and wearing an adorable tuxedo. Yeah. Love it. Yeah, so she's like, you lied your way into my bed, but because this is a terrible movie with bad attitude,

she forgives him. He does kiss her before she can finish talking. So he wins. Roger Moore and the lesbians understandably shake their heads in dismay. All of this. Last scene in the movie. Because we're always chasing the numbers, you know. Yeah.

They're like, I don't get it. And they're like, I mean, it just, I don't even understand the joke. Because it's like the idea that like, I don't get what hetero people see each other, seeing each other. It's like, it's just human attraction. Like, it's not a... We haven't all grown up surrounded by them or anything. I mean... I don't get it. This, the mainstream monoculture

that I've had to swim in my entire life. I choose to read it as a specific reaction to these two idiots. Oh, okay, well that's fair. Well, sure. I think the audience shares that then. But then I don't, then it's inconsistent with Roger Moore, who has done everything he can to help this happen

and is like, I don't get it. Exactly. It seems like it's doomed to me. Yeah, to me. Now when he gazes upon the results of his work, he's Despondent. Yeah, he's like Oppenheimer. What have I done? I've become the bringer together of his. He's a lot like Oppenheimer. Look upon my works and despair. Yeah, when he's Serenabile the cheering people at the wedding and he's like, oh my god, are they monsters? What's happening? Exactly. Yeah Horatio S Sans, remember him?

He's scaling a snowy mountain yelling, Inga, Inga! He's taken in to buy her family into this cottage, only to learn that she is- They live in an alpine cottage that seems to be from another century, yeah. And on the very peak of a mountain. Like the end of Lost Horizon. Yeah.

He learns that he has missed Inga, she's in Italy right now, but not to worry, her equally hot younger sister is there, but uh-oh, so is Lenshey. Credits. Man. Credits to the movie, both of them. You know, I always love it when a movie sets up

a sequel perfectly. Uh-huh. So we have what? We have what, Ski Trip? Is Ski Trip gonna be the sequel? Sure, yeah. The closing credits are Comic Sans, which is perfect because A, it's the laziest font on Magible, and B, it's Horatio Sans. I wish the movie was Sans Sans. Not very Comic Sans. Mm-hmm. Show.

I will go on record as saying that the only time I've ever laughed at Horatio Sans was one time when I was in the audience of a UCB screening of a UCB movie in the old, old UCB theater, and Horatio Sans trying to sneak into a seat since the lights had gone down, stepped on a soda can really loudly and went, oh shit, and that was the only time I've ever laughed at

anything he's ever done. Well, since we're getting into judgments, let's do our final judgments about whether this is a good bad movie, a bad bad movie, or a movie you kind of like. I want to read a couple of quotes from the Wikipedia page. One from- Damn, raw receipts for both of you.

One from Roger Ebert who wrote, this is a movie made for nobody about nothing and and Wikipedia also says quote many many viewed the film as homophobic Although a reviewer for the advocate wrote that the film was too terrible to protest So I guess you know reviewer for the Advocate? I don't know if I was that reviewer, but I was definitely the editor of that review

because I was working at the Advocate at that time. And I went to see this movie at a press screening. It was me and another critic who is now retired, but also gay. He spent the entire film groaning through the movie, and then gave it kind of a positive review. I don't know why. It was groaning inaning through the movie and then gave it kind of a positive review. I don't know why. It was groaning in pleasure through the movie, yeah. Perhaps, yes.

Thankfully there was no porthole in that screening room. My final judgment is this is an awful, awful movie. Most of the time we watch these movies sort of vaguely hoping, you know, maybe we'll find something that we actually sort of enjoyed, or at least something that can be enjoyed, ironically, if not normally, I don't know what normally is, for its own merits, I guess.

But in this case, I just want to take revenge on this movie. Like I had to, you know, obviously I did the summary, I had to take notes on it. It was such slow going. And I kept looking at the time and being like, how is it possible? Like it was just 30 minutes. I'm just 30 minutes in.

Now I'm just 31 minutes in. It seems like an hour's passed. So that's my feelings on boat trip. What do you think Stuart? Yeah, so another rave from Dan. Let's see. No, this is terrible. I wouldn't watch it.

Don't watch it. Don't seek it out. It's cursed. It'll make you feel worse about everything. Don't do it. It's bad, bad, bad movie. Elliot, we'll leave Alonzo the last word. Yeah, I mean, it's hard for me not to go along

and just say it's the worst movie. It's everything about it is super dispiriting. I mean, the only thing that makes this not the worst movie. Everything about it is super dispiriting. I mean, the only thing that makes this not the worst movie I've ever seen is that there's no on-camera animal mutilation or anything like that. Like, it's not a cannibal holocaust movie. Yeah, nobody died in the making of it, as far as I know. So those are the two wins in the victory column for both. There are parameters, you know. Yeah. So that's those are the two wins in the victory column for both. There are parameters, you know Yeah, I will say that uh the cuba gooding jr's character is named Jerry Robinson

And I feel like this is this is the least accurate portrayal of the co-creator of the Joker Jerry Robinson that you can imagine Yeah, it's a very bad movie. Don't it's not I know there are people who watch every movie that we do on the show There's one fan who collects copies of all the movies that we've done on this podcast. Please don't, this one just leave. Leave it at the Island of Misfit movies. Don't include it in your house. Alonzo, disagree with me.

I dare you. Are you with me? I'm here to fight you all. No, yeah, this is of course a bad, bad movie. But what I think is so fascinating about it is where it occurs in the culture, in the history of everything. Because the rating it occurs in the culture, you know, in the history of everything, because, you know, the rating system ends in the 60s.

And so suddenly now you can have queer characters in movies and queer themes. And that usually meant that we got like embarrassing, offensive or violent or monstrous characters, because most people making movies at the time were still, you know, cis-het straight white men. And so now we get to the 90s and you've got like, you know, the decade kicks off with Poison

and Paris is Burning both winning the Grand Cherie Prize at Sundance, that's followed by this whole wave, the new queer cinema, Gus Van Zane, Greg Araki, Cheryl Dunye, you know, Rose Troche, all these filmmakers making really fascinating and insightful films and very specifically and unapologetically queer. And then that leads to these sort of crossover movies where it's like Hey, you know, there there are queer people who are starving to see movies

There's also cool like art house straight people who will come see them as well So we'll make charming rom-coms like, you know, Jeffrey and trick or whatnot And so after that decade to like the day trippers or something Yes, exactly like after that decade to think you know Or like the day trippers or something. Yes, exactly, like after that decade to think, you know what people really wanna see? This wacky bullshit about two straight guys on a wah-wah gay cruise, oh no! And it just feels so displaced.

You feel like you're pitching the movie right now, Alonzo. That's the pitch, yeah. Sound effects make me like it, I don't know. Well, I've got my orgasm soundboard. It does, it does. It feels so displaced in time. I had not seen this since that press screening and I will probably never see it again. But it was just this fascinating moment of like,

y'all, some movies you look back and think, oh well that was the time, that's what people thought you could get away with. No, we were well past this by the time this movie came out. And this was just a handful of straight people being like, Nope, Nope, we are, we're going to be here. We are determined to still tell this story and make these jokes. Damn the rest of the world and that whatever progress might've been made.

So it's just astonishingly unstuck in time. Yeah. That's it. And it still came out four years before I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry. True, but that movie, I don't know if you know the whole history there, but that started out as an Alexander Payne, Jim Taylor joint

and their screenplay was actually pretty smart and insightful, and then of course it goes through the Adam Sandler sausage factory and becomes the movie that it is. Yeah. It really is a sausage factory. I'm Sequoia Holmes, pop-culturist and host of the Black People Love Paramore podcast.

Contrary to the title, it is not a podcast about the band Paramore. Each episode, I, along with a special guest co-host, dissect one pop culture topic that mainstream media doesn't associate with black people, but we know that we like. Tune in every Thursday to the podcast that's dedicated to helping black people feel more seen here on Maximum Fun. Network. Hosts Rachel and Griffin McElroy, a real life married couple. Yuck! Discuss a wide range of topics. Music, video games, poetry, snacks.

But I hate all that stuff. I know you do yucky Jessica. It comes out every Wednesday, the worst day of the week, wherever you download your podcasts. For our next topic we're talking Fiona the baby hippo from the Cincinnati Zoo. I hate this little hippo. The Flophouse is sponsored in part by Squarespace, the all-in-one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online.

I probably mostly said that correctly. Whether you're just starting out or whether you are managing a growing brand, Squarespace makes it easy to create a beautiful website, engage with your audience, and sell anything, from products to content to time, all in one place, all on your terms. Terms?

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So why not go to squarespace.com for a free trial, and when you are ready to launch go to squarespace.com slash flop to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain and we also have a jumbo tron this is from Daniel Pecorero historical Tours. Since 2021, Daniel Pecorero has shown New Yorkers and tourists alike the past, present, and possible futures of various neighborhoods across New York. From Gwannis to Greenwood to Greenwich Village, Daniel's tours are perfect for lifelong New Yorkers,

recent arrivals, or visitors who just wanna go deep. Flophouse listeners may particularly enjoy the lost theaters of Bay Ridge, highlighting the many former movie houses in this Southwest Brooklyn neighborhood. That does sound very interesting. I am sad that Elliot Kalin is not here while I'm recording this ad copy. I had to do a little after the fact,

a little secret for you, because I think he in particular would be interested in the Lost Theaters of Bay Ridge. So anyway, if you're interested in this, why not visit www.history.works to learn more and register and use code FLOP for half off any upcoming tour. And speaking of flop, oh, the flop house, that's our podcast. Hello, how are you doing?

We are doing a live show in Boston, Massachusetts. There's a Boston, Massachusetts now. Yeah. Yeah, and we're doing a show at WBUR City Space that is associated with the radio station WBUR. It's their performance space. It is beautiful. We have done stuff there before. It is on July the 26th of this year, 2024,

and it's at 7 p.m. If you want tickets to that, you can go to flophousepodcast.com slash events and pick up your ticket to see us live in Boston. We haven't decided exactly what we're gonna do. We're either gonna do some sort of iconic bad Boston movie or we are going to do one of the summer's big flops, I think is where we're trending.

But look, no matter what we do, it's gonna be a fun show. We're gonna do our regular presentations. Last time we were in Boston, Stuart did a presentation about cars that almost killed me from laughing. So it's always fun to do a show in Boston. So come check us out again at WBUR City Space, the 26th of July at 7 p.m.

You can get tickets at flophousepodcast.com slash events. Let's do letters from listeners. And you know what? I picked, unwisely on a day when there was so much meat on this boat trip bone, picked a second letter that's very long. So I'm not gonna do that one. I'm just gonna keep it to one this time, break with format.

This one's from Nathan Lastname withheld. You have a singular letter, Nathan. Or Mort Nathan. Mort Nathan? Nathan comma Mort. Let me explain about my movie, Boat Trip. I was going through a rough time. Yeah.

Nathan writes, for the last six months, I've been slowly rewatching the James Bond series. I've just rewatched the two Timothy Dalton films, and I find that for the last five days, I've had License to Kill by Gladys Knight and the Pips lodged in my forebrain. Since that movie was one of my first Bonds, I have a fondness for the song,

however ridiculous, stalkerish, and overwrought it may be. It's a Bond song, after all. Got me wondering, what are your favorite songs from a movie and your least favorite songs from a movie? Doesn't have to be Bond song after all. Got me wondering, what are your favorite songs from a movie and your least favorite songs from a movie? Doesn't have to be Bond song, dudes, calm down. Caveats, sorry Dan, nothing from Stop Making Sense. Wow. Stewart, sorry.

You may not pick Dockens Dream Warriors from A Nightmare on Elm Street 3. Sorry Elliot, no Fiddler on the Roof. So that's from Nathan Last Name Withheld. Just the kind of torturous experiment Nathan Fielder would specialize in. So are we talking about a song that was written for a movie?

A song that is in the movie? Like created by the characters? Written for the movie. And because it was that, I did a little looking around. I have multiple runners up, which I can maybe mention after we all go around the horn, but I went with, I'm going to go back there some day from the Muppet movie, the song that Gonzo sings,

the very wistful song out in the desert. And worst, probably something written originally for the movie, Dear Evan Hansen. I did not like that. Got him. So you didn't do it, but you did research what songs were original to the film. There's one new song and I forget what it's called.

Elliot, I want to toss to you with a reminder that there's a little movie called Cocktail that had a song specifically written for it. It was very much, that's exactly the movie that was my least favorite. I'll start with that then. My least favorite song of all time, of course, also happens to be a song written for a movie

that is Kokomo by the Beach Boys. It was written for the movie Cocktail. Hate it, hate everything about it, hate what it stands for, hate the sound of it. I feel like it's like one degree separated from a Red Hot Chili Pepper song. Kokomo? Yeah, I feel like the Red Hot Chili Peppers,

if they were singing about like the Caribbean instead of California, they would write a Kokomo. I mean, if the instrumentation was different, yes. Maybe a little. I don't know if there's like as many steel drums in a Red Hot Chili Peppers. Ah, I feel like they would do it. I feel like there's an undercurrent in the Red Hot Chili Pepper songs of,

I'm singing about this but I'm also a drug addict. So there's a little bit more, slightly more depth. Whereas Kokomo, it's, I'm singing about this and I'm a middle-aged man or older hitting on a young woman lying about a made-up beach island. I'm telling her I'm going to take her too. And I, everything I don't like about it. Yeah, Anthony Kiedis and his like 17 year old girlfriend. He doesn't know anything about a middle-aged guy hitting on these girls.

I don't know, they're personalized. I will say the one thing I like about Kokomo is that I figured out I can do the lyrics pretty closely to Starvery Fields forever. And that's been fun to do it to annoy my children with. And of course my most favorite music that was written for a movie is probably the Wizard of Oz soundtrack songs. Like I love those songs.

I find myself singing them a lot. I think they are that movie in particular, we mentioned earlier, it breaks Roger Ebert's hot air balloon rule because it's such an amazing movie in so many different ways. And I think the music in it many different ways. And I think the music is so great. And considering like, it's not like they put extra time

into the songs for that movie more than they would have for any other movie. You know, that was in a lot of ways, it was a big production, but like the, I don't know. It's just one of the, it feels like it's like a lightning in the bottle type of songs for a movie. And even the song they cut out, the Jitterbug is still a really fun song and a song. I really like a lot

So even the deleted song from Wizard of Oz is a great song and Kokomo should have been a deleted song Musical catalog Stuart. Do you have anything or should we come back around? No, I mean, I think I definitely have favorites which is Anything by Wang Chung, so like To Live and Die in LA, or what, Fire in the Twilight from the Breakfast Club soundtrack, both bangers. Songs I don't like. I mean, you don't have to, if you don't have to.

That's a little harder to think of. Alonso, do you? I'm not a hater, I'm a lover. Yeah, yeah. Least favorite, I'm gonna go with I Just Called to Say I Love You from The Woman in Red, which everything Jack Black says about it in High Fidelity is true. Stevie Wonder is so great, but that song is so not great.

So many choices here, like I love all the songs from Until the End of the World. Cole Porter wrote a lot of great songs for movies, including True Love from High Society. I'm gonna go with a song called I Like Life from the musical Scrooge by Leslie Bricus, performed by Albert Finney and I'm forgetting the guy who plays the ghost of Christmas present Kenneth Moore, thank you, Dave

but yeah, it's a that's a it's a song that I Like a lot and have added to the repertoire and I'm also gonna say my favorite song from the James Bond film license to kill Is actually Patti LaBelle's if you asked me to which is the closing credits song Do you guys have another favorite James Bond song, like a theme song, opening song? I mean, I love You Only Live Twice. Good one. Beauty or a Kill, baby. Duran Duran. I got, just because I...

Nobody does it better? Did the research. I'm going to give a few runners up really quickly. Call Me by Blondie from American Jiggalo, Cheek to Cheek by Irving Berlin for Top Hat. The Goonies are good enough from the film The Goonies, Cyndi Lauper. The song's so good it needed two videos. Cat People, Putting Out Fires of the Gasoline by David Bowie. And one could argue the entire album purple rain would count

Yeah, how about Scotty doesn't know from? Euro trip that's a can of very fun Parade album which gave you know from under the cherry moon. Yeah, and banana Ramos the wildlife. Oh Yeah Let us now close out with enough hating. Let's say a movie. Oh, wait, I wanna mention one more song actually. I wish I had thought of Call Me,

because you're right, that's a great one. But also, Remember My Forgotten Man from Gold Diggers of 1933 is a gorgeous song. And it's the, well, not when you expect when you're watching that movie, unless you know that that sequence is in the movie already. Right. Let's talk about movies that we saw and enjoyed

that we would recommend. I'm gonna quickly in passing say that on our last night in Oxford, you know, there wasn't a ton to do. We were tired. We went to the movies and we saw The Fall Guy and I joined the chorus of people being like, why did this not do, I mean, it's holding on pretty well, it's got good legs, but I'm like,

this is such a fun movie, it's the sort of movie people claim they wanna see and then it doesn't get a lot of people turning out. I read an interesting theory that that movie, part of its issue is more that the movie was more expensive than it should have been. Yeah. That that's a movie that is not actually doing

that badly in the theaters, but it is not, the cost of it is so high. So much higher than maybe it is. Yeah, recouping. Yeah. But the movie I actually wanna highlight is, Audrey had never actually seen Romian Michelle's High School Reunion.

So we watched it recently and it was delightful to revisit it and delightful to watch her watching it for the first time because she had sort of, I think in her mind, imagined a much more conventional rom-com when the energy of that movie is so silly and weird. And I had forgotten also how bizarre the structure of that movie is. Like they don't actually make it to the real high school reunion

until the last half hour of the movie. Before that, there's long setup, there's flashbacks, there's a fantasy sequence. It goes all over the place. But yeah. But such a great cast with Mira Savino and Lisa Kudrow, so great in the main roles, but also Janine Grafalo and Alan Cumming

and a very small part for Justin Theroux in it. And it's just, if you too, for some reason, have not seen it, it's a movie that's maybe a little sillier than you imagine and it's got a lot of like really genuinely funny jokes in it. Stuart, why don't you recommend something? I'm gonna recommend a movie that I went to see with Dirty Dan McCoy last night.

We went to a screening of In A Violent Nature. It is a kind of a, it's a slasher movie, and it was produced by a friend of the podcast, Peter Kaplewski. FX lead was friend of the podcast, Stephen Kostanski. And it is a slasher movie that basically just like the Jason Voorhees equivalent, in this case, Johnny, wakes up and starts hunting some teens through the woods and it just kind of follows him or like

the camera just follows him and it's kind of like you're watching somebody play like Red Dead Redemption or something. And it's great. It's a very specific thing. And it kind of elevates, it's like an elevated slasher, but at the same time, it very much understands that it's a slasher and there's kind of like an interesting like classic slasher movie happening in the background.

And there's some good gags and I liked it a lot. Yeah, in a violent nature, check it out. Elliot. I want to recommend a movie from 1948. It is a film Noir, which means it's kind of like a crime movie. And it's a movie called Raw Deal. And it's Anthony Mann directed it. Anthony Mann, who would go on to direct many other great movies and had already directed a bunch of great movies. It stars Dennis O'Keefe and Claire Trevor, who you may remember from Stagecoach, and also Key Largo, and she does what she does best,

which is plays a kind of like, kind of well, slightly well-meaning, but tawdry kind of, you know, underbelly of society type lady. She helps the love of her life escape from prison, and along the way they pick up another woman who was involved in his legal defense and it turns into a kind of not exactly normal love triangle, I mean event the love triangle eventually

develops but a lot of it is about the tension between these two women the tension between him and the two of them the tension between the world as they're trying to escape and get out of the United States and get down to Panama. And as always with film or movies, the kind of dumb mistakes and short-sighted choices that they make along the way. And it's a really good short, tight, kind of like crime kind of tragic romance.

And there's one relationship in it that feels pretty unbelievable, but otherwise I really liked it a lot. And the cinematography in it is especially gorgeous. And it was shot by John Alton, who would later go on to win the Academy Award for an American in Paris. But this is black and white cinematography is doing that looks very Greg Tordy. An American werewolf in Paris?

Yeah, an American werewolf in Paris. Exactly. Yeah, the Academy Award winner. Vincent Minnelli is an American werewolf in Paris. Yeah, an American werewolf in Paris. Exactly. Yeah, he can't be a world winner Yeah, Vincent Minnelli is an American werewolf in Paris Got that it's got that bush song. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah that dancing werewolf. He's really amazing. Uh, but uh, It's uh, but it's a fun, uh kind of uh Affecting at the end film noir movie that looks great. It's called raw deal Not the schwarzenegger one. Not the Schwarzenegger one. Yes.

For a second I got really excited. Yeah. Hey, do we know when this episode drops? This one I believe. This Saturday should be. This Saturday, yeah. Oh, sweet. Well, I'm gonna recommend a movie that I'm going to be showing on TCM,

but that also has a great new Blu-ray, and I highly recommend that even if you see it on cable, if you are a non-cord cutter and I love you, you should also pick up the Blu-ray and I highly recommend that even if you see it on cable if you are a non cord cutter and I love you, you should also pick up the Blu-ray because it's got a lot of really great extras and commentaries and whatnot. It's a documentary called Gay USA that was recently restored from 1977 and on one day the various camera crews shot Gay Pride parades in LA, New York, San Francisco, and a couple of other cities. And this year, that year's parades were

of historical significance because it was right after the whole Anita Bryant campaign had started where she was trying to roll back gay rights in Florida. And so, there was a lot at stake politically that year. And so the doc just really kind of captures the energy and the excitement of like kind of a nascent gay community in this country, but at the same time, people understanding that they were very much under fire.

And it's directed by Arthur Bresson Jr., who's a fascinating figure because he directed sort of straight up queer narrative dramas, but he also made documentaries and he also made adult titles. So he kind of had, he covered the waterfront in that sense. So yeah, literally and figuratively. Anyway, Gay USA, it's a great documentary and I'll be on TCM talking about it on the 21st of June

and then doing some other stuff on the 28th, but also pick up the beautiful Blu-ray from Altered Innocence. And another thing, of course, people should pick up is your book. This is your invite to plug your book. Do it now, I demand it. Yeah, okay, I'm sure.

Yes, Hollywood Pride, it's out from TCM and Running Press, available wherever books are sold. It's also an ebook, it's also an audiobook read by me if this episode hasn't already turned you off to my voice. And it is a history of LGBTQ plus Hollywood, both onscreen and off, so it's about the movies, but it's also about the artists who made it happen over the decades, and it goes all the way from about 1895

to everything everywhere all at once, doing as well as I could to cram it all in there. So it came out really beautifully. The TCM folks did a great job designing it and finding great stills with it and I'm told the prose doesn't suck. So yes, pick up Hollywood Pride wherever you buy books. I'm excited, I can't wait to read it.

Yeah. Thank you so much for Being in the trenches with us suffering It would have been a shame if you guys had not eventually gotten to this movie and I think you kind of needed an interpreter so This was one of those moments where yeah, I really appreciate it and I know that your job is not to be an educator, just your job to live your life and not to have to decode parts of the world to other parts of the world. So, but I appreciate you, especially you putting this in the context of what was going on in mainstream cinema involving queerism at this time and just how ridiculously like, not just bad in general, but like bad for the time.

You know? Yeah, not just terrible, but retrograde, you know? Yeah. Well, yes, awful movie, but a great excuse to spend some time with you. Thank you for being our guest. Thank you to our network, Maximum Fun. If you go to our guest. Thank you to our network, Maximum Fun. If you go to MaximumFun.org,

there's a lot of great other shows on there. Thank you to our producer, Alex Smith. He goes by the name Howell Doddy. I believe he has a new album out. You should check that out. You should check him out. And I guess that's it. For the Flophouse, I've been Dan McCloy.

I've been Stuart Wellington. I've been Ellie Kalin. And I've been Stuart Wellington. I've been Ellie Kalin. And I've been special guest Alonso Duralde. Oh, Dan's doing the summary. I feel bad for Dan. Yeah. We're a movie then. This is going to be a rough one.

Light on plot, it was kind of hard for me to... Rich with incident. There's a lot of stuff in it. Yeah, I think you can skip a lot of that though. I'll do my best on the fly to... We'll see. Yeah, yeah, yeah. ...bring down some of this...

Sure, sure. Cut a town. The first four hour episode of the Fly Pass. And it's about Boatrip. Dig in. Bring down some of this.