The Flop House - FH Mini 117 – The Definitive Action Hero Ranking Pt. 2

Episode Date: November 30, 2024

The thrilling conclusion of our definitive action hero rankings, as determined by Stuart's totally scientific, non-bullshit method!We’re in season 2 of FlopTV! Tune in for individual episodes, or get a price break with a season pass! Full line-up/tickets here! And while you’re clicking on stuff, subscribe to our NEWSLETTER, “Flop Secrets!”For a limited time, visit AuraFrames.com and get $45 off Aura’s best-selling Carver Mat frames by using promo code FLOP at checkout.Head to factormeals.com/flop50 and use code flop50 to get 50% off your first box and 20% off your next month.

Hi, Floppers. Before we start this episode, I just wanted to remind you we are in the middle of FlopTV Season 2. That's right, the one-hour internet televised Flophouse TV show is here for you the first Saturday of every month through February. Just go to theflophouse.simpleTix.com and get your tickets or season pass for this all-new Flophouse TV stuff. For covering movies we've never covered before, we've got video segments. It's amazing. Just go to theflophouse.simple-ticks.com for FlopTV Season 2. This time it's personal.

Hey, hey, it's me, Stuart Wellington of the Flophouse Podcast, and we're here for another Flophouse Mini. That's right. Normally we make episodes of a podcast where we watch a bad movie and talk about it. But on the minis, we do whatever we want. We normally goof around and do silly bones stuff, but this time we're doing serious bone stuff.

We are doing a no-nonsense breakdown of the best action heroes in cinema history as voted by the Flophouse. We are voting them and rating them on three different categories. That's right, radness, badness, and lucky dip. We have already got 10 out of the way. If you are like, I'm lost, go back to the episode two weeks ago, listen to that shit and get caught up.

We don't have time for that because we got 10 more action heroes to talk about. So, Dan, I think it's time. I haven't even introduced my co-host. I know. That is, who's sitting to my left? It could be a mystery, Dan. I could Dan, I think it's time. I haven't even introduced my co-host. I know. That is, who's sitting to my left? I could be a mystery, Dan. I could be, I don't know.

I could be Dan Stevens, yeah. Yeah. Oh my God. Oh man, to be Dan Stevens, if only. To be sitting next to Dan Stevens. No, I'm Dan McCoy, and with us as always is. Elliot Kalin, that's right. And your main host tonight, Stuart Wellington.

Let's grip it and rip it. Dan, roll the die. I didn't know there was a hierarchy, but okay. that's right. And your main host tonight, Stuart Wellington. Let's grip it and rip it, and then roll a die. I didn't know there was a hierarchy, but okay, it's eight. Okay, we are, we're all the way, man, we've looped all the way around. We are back into the Johns, guys. John Town, that's right, we are talking about the star of First Blood, First Blood, part two, John Rambo. John Rambo, he's got the hair, he's got the muscles,

he's got the bandana, he's killed a lot of people. He's a living, he's a weapon. You know, he was trained to be a living weapon, yeah. So let's talk about it. Do you guys have opinions on Mr. John Rambo? Do you like those movies? I like the first one and I like, I don't know, the one that I saw with Elliot I kind of like too.

What was that? The fourth one? Yeah. Yeah, the one where he goes, he's in Malaysia or is it Burma? No, he's in Burma. With all the, where it's like he's older. Yeah, I hated the most recent one. I don't think I've even seen two or three.

I'll be honest. Oh wow. I remember liking both of those, but I was a kid and dumb. Yes, those movies are dumb. The last one I did not like, but overall, those are my, the first one is a good movie, but overall the other ones are like guilty pleasures of mine

because they're just, they're ridiculous, you know, but the last one I did not like. The way I live my life, none of my pleasures are guilty. Then you're not doing it right, Stu. Here's the thing though, I do enjoy some of the Rambo, but I would not call him, I don't know, there's not a lot of radness for me. For me, there's not a lot of radness.

Like in the first one, he's a sad man. In all of them. There's a lot of sadness in the Rambo movies. And yeah, a lot of PTSD. I don't know, he has a bandana or like a headband or whatever. What about that, your worst nightmare line? That was from...

He's got good lines. Yeah, I don't know. I'm gonna give him a three though. This is not a rad action hero so much as it is a later category. When I think of Rambo, I sometimes mix him up with Charlie Sheen's character from Hotshots Part Two. Yeah, very similar. Same bow and arrow and headband. I'm going to give him a 5, because I agree he's not a cool character you would want to be.

He's very sad. He's haunted by the things that he's done and that have been done to him. But at the same time, to be that character and get some good wisecracks out and kind of intimidate people and also to know how to paint yourself up so you look like the trunk of a tree. Just in case the guy you're fighting happens to walk by that one particular tree. That's that's pretty bad. So I'm going to be rad. So I'm going to give that a five for radness. Yeah. Dan, what was your score again?

I think I gave him a three. OK, let's go into badness. How bad is this bad? Now on the other hand, this is where he cleans up because I haven't seen Those middle movies, but it's my understanding that he single-handedly gets us a redo and wins the Vietnam War He wins the Vietnam War he pushes the Russians out of Afghanistan. He's a one-man Army Corps. Yeah, he's an omac Yeah, he gets a ten for badness for me. Yeah ten for sure And he's been stabbed and shot so many times, you know, and it just does not phase him. It was watching Rambo 3 that I learned that if, I think it was 3, where if you get shot,

you can just fill the hole with gunpowder and light it on fire to cauterize the wound. Which as a kid, I assumed as when I would grow up, I would use that information all the time. Dan, give me a roll on Lucky Dip, baby. Yeah, you got a 14 there. A 14 for old John Rambo. Ooh, okay, this is interesting. John Rambo falls through a portal into mythological Greece. How likely on a scale of 1 to 10 is he going to complete the 12 labors of Heracles?

Oh, I mean, that's, I feel like that's a 10. Come on. He's going to kill that Nemean lion. He's going to kill the Hydra. He's going to steal that girdle. How's he going to handle the stables? The stables is the hard one. That's the hardest one.

He's got to redirect that river. I bet he could figure out a way to do it. Just with the weapons at hand. Maybe a nine then. That Aegean Stables is the hard one. To my knowledge, John Rambo is not a half-god man. So he loses a point for me for that. But otherwise, I'm going to give him a nine. He seems as close to a Greek hero as you can get.

Yeah, for sure. That is a good category for him. Yeah, lucky for him. Okay. Okay, Dan, give me another... Who's our next hero? I got a six here. Six here would be... Wait, that's a nine. It doesn't matter. Okay, it doesn't matter. So we have the star of Kill Bill and Kill Bill 2, the hero of Kill Bill and Kill Bill 2,

the bride, AKA Beatrix Kiddo, played by Uma Thurman. Yeah. I mean, she wears a yellow tracksuit around. Yeah, like a Bruce Lee tracksuit. So I think that that's gotta be like a 10 for redness. It's gotta be a 10 for redness, for sure. She looks super red. Yeah. Yeah Okay, what about badness?

I mean almost as high she like kills all of the like with the 99 Whatevers or whatever what are they called the 99 whatever? Face the 99 whatevers. What are they? Exactly. She punches her way out of a grave. Like, I don't know. She teaches herself how to move her entire body when all she can move is her toe, you know? Yeah.

I think just out of like a weird instinct to not clean up too hard, I'm gonna give her a nine, but maybe it should be a 10, I don't know. Nine. I'm not threatened by powerful women the way Dan is, so I'm gonna give her a 10. Okay. Okay, and let's give me going to give her a 10. Okay. Okay.

And let's give me a lucky dip. How does... Okay. What if the category is digging yourself out of a grave? We have to give her a 10. Oh, she grossed it. 15. Okay.

So, if the bride was able to put all this revenge and whatnot behind her, how likely, on a scale of one to 10 would she be successful as a social media star? Oh, I think pretty high. I mean, she's like a beautiful white lady and she's got a tracksuit. She's got a kid at the end, right? So like, there's a lot of mommy influencers out there.

Yeah. Yeah, I think that she's doing pretty well. And an interest in Asian culture, which is also which can also be big online. So yeah, although she might get canceled for again, being a white lady who's like appropriating that culture. Yeah, that's possible. That's possible. Yeah. I'm gonna give her an eight for this. Yeah, I'm also gonna give her an eight. Yeah, not bad, though. These are these scores. These are high scores. She did really well. Actually the thing that takes her down is,

I worry that she would have trouble with the digital interface because she's such an analog hands-on person. You know? That's true. She can really admire and understand Hattori Hanzo's sword. But I don't know if she's going to be able

to figure out that app. Yep, that's true. Okay, Dan, give me a roll. Who's our next hero? We got a 15 here. A 15 is... Okay. We have the stars of the Bad Boys franchise.

Detective Mike Lowry and Marcus Burnett. Played by Will Smith and Martin Lawrence. These are huge movies, huge action movies. Elliot, have you seen any of them? I've seen the first two. I've not seen the new ones. There's two newer ones, right? There's two newer ones.

Bad Boys Forever and Bad Boys Ride or Die. Ride or Die. Wow, you nailed it. Yeah. You have been paying attention to the billboards in LA. Exactly, but I haven't seen either of those. To be honest, they kind of lost me with those two rats having sex in the second one. What?

Pause the fucking podcast. The moment where the person sitting next to me like couldn't contain themselves and started nudging me by how funny they thought it was. You know, I've enjoyed the two most recent ones. The movies make a radical switch in tone from Michael Bay not caring about humanity to suddenly being like, hey, it's a love story between these two aging police officers. The trailers look much more serious than the previous movies. Yeah.

Yeah. They're not great, but they're fun. Uh, radness. How rad are these two dudes? Well, they've got a lot of the signifiers of radness. I do not think it is quite so rad that there are two cops who go around just like wildly shooting things and like running cars into shanty towns. That's true.

Which to be fair, Jackie Chan does in the first police story too, pretty much. Bad guys doing that. Yeah, they level Fevella. This is a fantasy world, so I'm not going to, you know, take them too much to task for that, but I will give them just a five. Okay. I'm gonna give them... I'm gonna give them a six. Okay. Yeah, I mean, they're fun.

Like, part of the success of these movies is you like spending time with them. Yeah. Okay. But how bad are these bad bullets? They are. It's right in the title. It is right in the title, right? But I feel like they are not, I don't know, it's like they get the job done,

but I don't think of them as like Terminators, you know? Yeah. Yeah, like their strength is sort of like the... Power of friendship. Honestly. That's true. Yeah, no, thank you, Dan. It's its own sort of badness. Yeah.

Yeah. So in badness, I'm going to give them a seven. I'm going to give them, I'm going to go sixes across the board. Okay. Give me a roll on Lucky Dip. Lucky Dip. This might be their category. 13.

Lucky number 13. Lucky number 13. Lucky number 11. Man, this, I feel like this is a fucking part of like a subplot of one of these movies. How likely are they going to be able to successfully take a niece dress shopping for her first boy-girl dance? Oh man. It would integrate very well into an actual

bad boys movie, yeah. I mean, like- I mean, they would not do a good job. Well, but here's the thing. There'd be a lot of shenanigans. That's true. They'd end up with the the thing. There would be a lot of shenanigans. That's true. They'd end up with the right dress. They would end up coming through at the end. That's true. I'm going to give them a nine for this.

I'm going to give them an H because there's going to be a lot of broken glass. Along the way. That's true. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. Oh, that was a good one for these boys. Not so bad, boys. OK, Dan, give me another roll. Another roll brings us the number nine. Okay, so that, okay, you would know him as the director of Juror number two, Dirty Harry himself.

You obviously wouldn't know him as the director of Juror number two, it's received almost no release. Yep, we're talking about Dirty Harry Callahan, played by Clint Eastwood in the Dirty Harry film. This is another one where I feel like we're gonna have to separate in some ways, and I have been doing a bad job of this, the politics of the film and the character from the aesthetic and the actions of the character.

Well also, it's interesting, I mean, it's not like it's a, it's not a critique or anything, at least the first dirty Harry sort of like Reckons with the idea of like oh, maybe a cop shouldn't be doing these things Maybe he's called dirty Harry like yeah, exactly Harry. Yeah, he throws his badge away at the end You're not you're supposed to feel a little queasy about but then they'll like the sequels are like I forget all What a great guy. Yeah, but even then in terms of gratitude I think he's I mean, I love Clint Eastwood again. I don't agree with him politically, but I think he is a great presence on screen I love so many of the movies he's made And but I don't know in terms of gratitude like it's not like I think of Dirty Harry is like a cool character, you know

Yeah, he's got like he's got some nice 70s suits. He's got a really long gun. Yeah I think I'm gonna give him He's got some nice 70s suits. He's got a really long gun. Yeah. So long. Yeah. So I think I'm going to give him... This episode I feel like I'm a little more luxurious with my grading. I'm going to give him a six on this one. No, I'm going to give him a five actually. I'll give a five on Ratitude.

He gets a five on Ratitude. I'm going to stay parsimonious and I'm going to give him a five. Okay. Let's talk about badness. How bad is this dirty police officer? He's a pretty bad dude. He's a pretty bad dude. I mean, he takes down Scorpio, who the regular legal system can't even handle this monster.

Yeah, he's impossible to stop. I mean, essentially he remains Just a cop. Yeah, he is not he does not ascend to like the level of action movie Wildness that some of these yeah, but like I think it is a testament to how dirty this Harry is I'm still gonna give him a nine for bad. Okay, I think I'm gonna give him an eight Because yeah, I feel like he's just not at the same level in terms of action as some of the others, but he's so, he has such aplomb when he, and the fact that when he, you know, the famous speech,

but how many shots did I fire? You know, like that's just him talking a guy into not reaching for his gun. And that's pretty, that's pretty badass. Pretty, pretty badass. That's verbal action, verbal fighting. Give me a lucky dip for a little dirty Harry. That's verbal action, verbal fighting. Give me a lucky dip for old dirty Harry. That's a 13 again.

Okay. Um, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop. Still has to adjust in real time as many numbers have been eliminated. Yeah. Ooh, okay, actually, I think he's gonna have a little trouble with this old lucky dip.

On a scale of one to 10, one being very likely to 10 being very unlikely. This is another pre-election one? Yes. How likely is Dirty Harry Callahan going to be canceled or me-tude? Oh, so likely.

One, I mean, yeah. No, very likely. Yeah, very likely was one, right? Yes. And unlikely was 10? Because the high scores are... The stuff that you like, you put at the high school. I was paying more attention to what you were saying, Stuart, than what you were.

Yeah, thank you. So I messed it up. So very unlikely is a one, very likely is a 10. Oh, then 10. He'll be cancelled. I mean, he would go to jail. Wait, so you're rewarding the bad behavior. I'm just going according to Stuart's score. I know. No, wait. I'm just going according to Stuart's score. I know. No, wait, I messed it up. Previously, the idea was...

The idea is that he should not get canceled. Exactly. So that's lower. So he gets a one or a zero, right? So wait, look, whatever one it is where he gets canceled, that's the one I'm picking. Yeah, so that's low. Low, yeah.

So he gets a one. We're both going low. We're going to both give him a one, I think, for this. Okay, we did it. Thank you, guys. He would certainly be brought up on charges. I don't know if Thank you, guys. He would certainly be brought up on charges. I don't know if he would be convicted, but he would be brought up on charges. No, he'd be reshuffled, he'd be put on desk, do-ee.

Yeah, he loses his... Get a salary for doing nothing. He's the kind of police officer that people protest about. Yeah, you'd have to move over to true social for his social media needs. Okay, Dan, give me a role for our next hero. That's a four. Four, oh, okay. That you would know him as the Shogun's executioner,

formerly Ogami Ito from the Lone Wolf and Cub series. Dan, have you seen any of these? I have not, this is gonna be- These are fun. Trouble for me. Okay, well imagine a man who can perform a cut on your neck that creates a whistling sound that is something that swordsmen long to hear.

How ironic that they hear it from their own throat. That's right, Ogami Ito, the Shogun's executioner, the baddest dude in the universe. This is a, I don't remember if this happens in any of the movies. In the comic, there's a scene where some guys are harassing a woman and to show them how to treat a Woman he has sex with her right in front of them and is not fazed at all by the fact that all these bad dudes are Watching and the woman it loves it and he's just like see that's how you do it

And these guys are like how was this man able to get on boner? With us looking at is this is is Maffunae does he does it do this in the movies? Who is it? No, no No, I, no. I don't, actually I don't remember the actor's name. I can't remember his name either, I'll look it up. But it's not Mifune. Okay. There's other Japanese actors, Dan.

I just thought I knew that. And it's not Takeshi Shimura either, the other Japanese actor you were gonna mention. I'm at a disadvantage, but I'm gonna say a seven. I'm guessing you got a seven for Rad'm guessing at a seven. He's ready red He pushes around a baby cart that that be converted into a variety of different weapons and killing Yes now that might be badditude not ratitude, but I'm gonna say it's a wait a minute well, I'm wasting my time looking up the

Actors names, but it's the cuz I can't the top of my head, but I am giving him a nine in terms of gratitude because not only is he a super cool swordsman, he's a good dad. That's, and yeah, I feel like a dad to that. I feel like Elliot of the three of us has a unique perspective on being a dad. And how red it is. Oh, it's a red dad. Now, Elliot, have you ever given- Tomo Saburo Wakayama, that's who plays Ogami Ito.

Elliot, have you ever given either of your sons the choice between the sword and walking the demon's road of Maifumado or choosing the ball and joining their ancestors in the land of Yomi? No, that's not a choice that I've ever given my children, to be honest. Oh, Gamiito did.

But I think the thing is, this is a guy who's able to combine work with parenthood in a way that all of us wish we could. And he's always there for the cub, yeah. And he gets, yeah, he manages to achieve that balance. That's pretty incredible. So I'm giving him a 10 for that. Elliot gave him a 10.

Dan, you gave him a what for Ratitude? I gave him a seven. Okay, Batitude. This dude has filled the entire Shogunate with bodies. I mean, the hells are full of his victims. Yeah, and he's, again, that he has a tricked out baby carriage full of weapons that he kills people with. He's a master swordsman. He kills people they don't even know they're dead till later.

So I'm going to give him a 10 on this one also. Man, he's doing great. OK, you can only guess at the I guess the tales I have heard told make me think that he must receive a 10. OK, now give me let's give me a lucky dip. This might be a challenge for our boy. Got a 10. Okay. Now give me a lucky dip. This might be a challenge for our boy. Got a seven. Okay.

Oh, this might be a tough one, mainly due to a language barrier. How likely, on a scale of one to ten, can he finish the New York Times Sunday crossword with no hints? Now I do have to point out he shouldn't be completing it right now because the New York tech union, New York Times tech union is currently on strike. Yeah, as of this recording. He should not, he shouldn't cross that picket line.

But imagine he did this way back in the day. Yeah, I don't know, I mean like, I don't know canonically like like, whether he can speak English. You know, again, this is an English language newspaper, I'm assuming, presuming that the- I don't think that he, I don't remember, certainly not in the movies. Yeah, I'm gonna give him a one for this, unfortunately.

Yeah, he's gonna lose some points. I'm also gonna give him a one. He is living at a time when not only would it be hard for him to learn English, but he's living at a time when Japan is effectively cut off from English language nations for the most part. It's during the period before the reopening of Japan when America basically forced Japan to start letting us trade where we wanted to. So I'm going to give him a one on this also.

Yeah. I think he's going to lack both the language skills and the frame of reference. When it says blank Morales, he's not going to know. No. He's not going to know. No, it's always Morales. Yeah. Yeah. And it's always a side berries. They love it. OK, give me another one, Dan. That's a 13 again. 13. OK, guys, we've got another classic here.

There have been so many of these fucking movies. That's right. His name is James Bond. Oh yeah, yeah. Stirred, not shaken. Played by a couple of actors you might've heard of, Sean Connery, Roger Moore, Daniel Craig. Yeah.

Timothy Dalton. Timothy Dalton. Beerus Brosnahan. Beerus Brosnahan. Beerus Brosnahan. George the Lazy B. Lazy B. Wow, well here's the problem you run into. If this was the 60s, obviously highest marks for radness.

The tides, the cultural tides have turned against some of the signifiers of James Bond. However- Like his dislike of the Beatles, yeah. Yes, he was wrong about the Beatles and he was wrong about the way he treated most of his female cohorts. Fair point. Yeah, but he is like kind of the avatar

of like here's a bunch of cool stuff. Like here's, you're gonna wear a tuxedo and you're not gonna care if you're a spy and people know your name and you're gonna drink martinis, you're gonna have gadgets. Yeah, you're gonna be good at gambling. Yeah. Constantly cool and collected at all times.

Cool stuff like gambling. You're gonna do the coolest thing there is, back a rat. I mean, I mean, all that said, I mean, have you guys ever have you ever gone to like a Vegas casino and been like, I want to go play Banger. I don't know how to play it otherwise. You're the John Berry theme boys. I'm playing some back a rat.

I mean, if you count the song as part of his general effect, then it goes up a couple notches. Cause that's such a cool rad song. Yes. Yeah, that's the thing. Like even with the- I do count the song, though. Even with the shit,

I still kind of have to give him an eight for this, I think. Oh, see, I'm gonna give him a nine. Yeah. If the song is factored in and just like, I feel even though he has so much the older stuff has aged Poorly he has such the urtext for that for for action star like that is that's as far back as you can go before it starts to seem kind of like Weirdly disconnected from what we think of as it as an action hero today. Yeah, and badness how bad is James Bond?

This is a hard one cuz, because he's done so much, he saved the world so many times, and yet I feel like there's a certain lack of total badness to him. I'm also gonna give him an eight for this. It's hard to explain, but I just don't feel the total badness. I'm gonna give him an eight on this one too.

I'm also gonna give him an eight on this one. I feel like if you put him in a room with some of these other characters he would not do he would not have much of a chance, but if you put him in a Factory or on a crane or something that was some of these characters Somewhere or skiing exactly Jesus put him on skis. He's gonna wreck everybody. Yeah Okay, so give me a lucky dip for old James for Jimmy. That's a 12 well Okay So give me a lucky dip roll, James, for Jimmy. That's a 12. 12, okay.

You want to cross some of these off? I should, yeah. Oh, okay. Oh, he wasn't crossing them out? Now, if James Bond were to appear on a... Yeah. How do I frame this as a... I've been having some challenges framing this. It's so good that he didn't get the giving advice on a date one.

That would be a bad category for him. Yeah. Yeah. Also the getting canceled one. Oh, for sure. Yeah. Okay. If you were to transport the character James Bond into a rom-com, Oh. on a scale of one being wouldn't work at all, ten being he would fit in seamlessly, Oh on the scale of one being wouldn't work at all Ten being he would fit in seamlessly. It would be a normal rom-com James Bond is basically a rom-com character Where does he fit? I I think he still gets pretty high. I mean like you say normal rom-com

I think you might want to spin it where it's like like, you know He's like most I mean like this is true of most drama comes where like someone needs to learn a lesson like maybe he needs to learn to like not be so sexist but he's a dapper man yeah who wears evening wear and is suave I would give him a seven I think oh see I'm gonna give him an eight because I could see it going either way either he is the guy who learned the lesson or he is the bad boyfriend who the main character has to win the girl of his dreams from. And you understand why she's with him because he's so cool and he's so suave.

But you know that she shouldn't be with him because he's sleeping around and also, you know. Dr. Game Show is a podcast where we play games submitted by listeners with callers from all around the world. And this is a game to get you to listen. Name three reasons to listen to Dr. Game Show. Kyla and Lunar from Freedom, Maine. Dishes, folding the laundry, doing cat grooming. OK, thank you. Great.

Oh, things you could do while listening. Yeah. I love that the rea- I'm like, why do you listen to this show and Lunar's like, dishes? Fantastic. Manolo. Number one is that it'll inspire you. You're gonna be like, oh, I could do that. That's all we have time for, but you'll just have to find Dr. Game Show on Maximum Fun to find out for yourself. Do you like stuff, things, items?

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plugs for you. And it starts right now. The Flop TV season is still going. That's six one hour live streaming shows. Tickets at theflophouse.simpletext.com. One week from this day that this is being released, we will discuss Highlander 2, The Quickening, an infamous sequel.

That's December the 7th at 6 p.m. Pacific, nine Eastern, if you want to watch it live and chat along with the other viewers, but it will also be available for ticket holders to view on demand until the end of February. So, ticks again at theflophouse.simpletakes.com. Seven dollars per show or get a season pass and pay thirty five dollars, which is the equivalent of getting one show for free.

And also, if you prefer seeing us truly live, I believe tickets are still available for our in-person show at San Francisco SketchFest. We will be back in 2025 at Cobb's Comedy Club, Sunday, January 19th. That is coming up pretty fast actually, at 7 p.m. And if you want tickets, go to sfsketchfest.com. Okay, okay. Give me another roll, Dan.

We're getting near the end. That's a four. A four? Yep. Okay. Our next up is, we're going to be seeing this gentleman on flop TV soon. That's right, Connor McCloud.

He's an immortal. He's a Highlander. He wears a k's right Connor McLeod he's in an immortal he's a Highlander and wears a kilt Connor McLeod okay I've only seen Highlander I have not seen Highlander 2 colon the quickening yet did you see Highlander 3 was it the final illusion final dimension something I think so with Mario van Peebles yeah I remember seeing that in the theaters but I did too I also remember the trailer yeah I remember the trailer where they're like his name is Kane yeah, and he can make a truck turn invisible fucking cool as hell um as

Someone who you know my uncle. Oh, that's wait a minute Highlander Oh Highlander 3 was the sorcerer and this was I, I know they have two different titles. Was that it? Yeah. And then there's, yeah. Wait a minute. Oh, so it was two different titles. That's what it was. Yeah.

Oh, thank God. It was what we saw it as Highlander, the final dimension. Yep. What, what, what's the, what's the like the animated lightning in those movies? Is that part of his powers or does it just imbue him with something or like, I don't know. When he chops somebody's head off and he gets hit with lightning to get strong. Oh, okay.

Cool. I think that's him absorbing their power, right? Yeah. Well, okay. So he's got like lightning stuff going on. I was going to say, as my uncle would not let us forget growing up, we are of Scottish heritage. So, got to love a Highlander.

You know, wears a kilt around and such. He goes to wrestling matches by himself as an adult. Gotta love a Highlander. You know, wears a kilt around and such. He goes to wrestling matches by himself as an adult. I'm going to give him a seven for radness. Okay. He owns a curiosity shop. Is it old? Not old enough. I love Scottish things.

Scotland I think is maybe my second favorite country in terms of countries I've spent time in. I love curiosity shops, but I'm gonna have to give him like a four. I just don't find him very, very rad. Oof, okay. Well, I think he was hoping to clean up in that category. Let's talk about badness.

How bad is this Highlander? I mean, there can be only one, which seems like that's pretty bad in and of itself. It's pretty bad, but they keep showing up. They do keep showing up. Even though there can be only one, there's quite a few Pretty bad. But they keep showing up. They do keep showing up. Even though there can be only one, there's quite a few of them. Yeah. Yeah, it's lousy with them.

I'm all, you know, sevens across. Okay, sevens across. Elliot. I'll give him a six. Okay. No, you know what? I'll give him a seven. Okay.

Clancy Brown is like, I got beaten by a six. Okay, give me a lucky dip roll for this Highlander. OK, Clancy Brown is like, I got beaten by a six. OK, give me a lucky dip roll for this Highlander. We got a loop all the way back. No, there we are. Oh, no. OK. On a scale of one being unlike. Wait, one being very likely to 10 being very unlikely. How likely is Connor McLeod going to vote independent in the United States election?

Oh, boy. Now, assuming that he is a citizen, because again, he's from Scotland, right? But maybe he became a naturalized citizen at some point. Yes, we're going to assume that. But maybe he became a naturalized citizen at some point. Yes, we're going to assume that I Have a pretty high I think pretty likely that he would vote independent. So that's a low school I'm getting like a sort of a libertarian vibe off of yeah So I don't know I'll give him a what low is likely. I'll give him a three. Yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna give him a three also

Okay, give me another roll, Dan. We're getting near the bottom. The roll is a nine. It is a nine. That goes OK. That's right. This guy has a certain set of skills and those skills sometimes ain't pretty. That's right. We have everybody's favorite character, Brian Mills.

What? Who's that? Brian.'s favorite character, Brian Mills. What? Who's that? Brian... You don't know Brian Mills? General Mills, right? Yeah. Brian Mills from the Taken franchise. Oh, right. I thought his name was Liam Taken. You know what? It's Brian Mills.

I didn't even remember from our aborted earlier attempts to do this episode. We've been over this. Okay, yeah. So as we, I think we've all agreed, we all agree, he would score very high if the category was dadness. Yeah, dadness was high for Brian Mills. Dadness would be a big category for him. But it's not, it's radness.

Radness, I think it's gonna be pretty low on this. I mean, I generally like seeing Liam Neeson in movies, but I feel like the whole point of Brian Mills is that you don't suspect that he is going to have this stuff inside of him. He doesn't project as a cool. I feel like he gets an extra point for that speech, his like speech about skills.

That's pretty cool, but that's not enough. I don't think it's enough to really put him in the heavy. No, I'd give him like a three, even with the speech factor in. For intensity and for tallness, I'm gonna give him a five. Tallness? You know, hey, it's one of the most sought after attractive features. I just realized tallness was one of the things. I guess I'll tell Puck from Alpha Flight that you'll be grading him low, Dan.

Oh, yeah. Okay, now badness. How bad is this battler? He's got a specific particular set of skills, you know. He's pretty bad. He's, you know, and he maintained being bad, even as he aged through several sequels. And he started out like such a spring chicken. Even starting out, I feel like Liam Neeson has admitted that he's like shocked that they've been as successful as they were. Yeah.

It was such a, he and Nicolas Cage both, it is a very strange thing for them to suddenly become action stars. Like Nicolas Cage was this strange kind of like experimental actor in many ways and then was in Con Air and The Rock and all those others and it's like, oh no, no, he's a huge action star. And Liam Neeson, similarly, I mean, he was Dark Man,

but like, you wouldn't know from the rest of his filmography that he would become an action star late in life, yeah. And then be fighting wolves with his bare hands, you know. Do you think the Liam Neeson now regrets not being Dark Man in the Dark Man sequels? You'd have to ask him. It might not come up in his mind that much. I'll ask him, I'll send him a text.

I just want to say for badness, I think he suffers from the company we have kept so far in these minis. I'll give him a seven. Okay. Hey, if you lose a daughter, he's going to find that thing. I'll also give him a seven. I feel like he is, again, he cuts through bad guys like a hot knife through butter. But when you compare him to Conan the Barbarian. It's tough. It's tough, or the widow, it's tough. Dan, what do you roll?

I assume that this weird thing is the equivalent of a 20. Yup. Or the Brian. The snake. I think he's gonna be pretty good at this one. On a scale of one being unlikely to 10 being very likely, how likely is Brian Mills going to give a great wedding speech?

He's so good with speeches. I feel like he would fucking do that in a taken movie too. Yeah, I think so too. Like give his first daughter's wedding. He's got that gravitas too, you know. Yeah, I feel like he'd crack. He is a dad again. He is a dad.

Mark Feltz. Dad again, that's my favorite movie. I'm not going to give him top marks because I don't think there's going to be a lot of humor in that speech. But in terms of heart, like, I'm going to give him a nine. Oh, people are going to feel it. They're going to have a lump in their throat. I'm also going to give him a nine. Yeah. OK, Brian Mills. Good points. OK, Dan, give me a roll.

We are down to two heroes left. That's a two. Perfect. You nailed it right on the head. She left. Perfect. That's a two. Perfect. You nailed it right on the head. She has fought queens. She's fought babies. She is Ellen Ripley. Oh. Hero from the Alien franchise. You left out a piece of information about what kind of queens and babies.

Oh, changes your opinion when I don't say alien in there, right? You're right. She's this... Ellen Ripley is the hero we're talking about, played by Sigourney Weaver. This will also, I'll also include the like, what? Ripley alien hybrid type thing from Alien Resurrection. You better, that's so Ripley. It's so Ripley, yeah.

I mean, it's, you know, whether that's still Ripley or not is a question for the philosophers, Dan, but yeah. Well, Stuart brought up one of my reads, like look, she's introduced as kind of deliberately unread. The idea was you don't know an alien who the hero is gonna be, like she was not a big name at the time. Maybe it's the alien. Yeah, it could be the alien.

I mean, the alien walks away looking pretty good in that movie. Probably not Ian Holm. You're probably pretty sure he's not gonna be the hero. So she starts from a place of deliberate un-radness, but by the end of that movie, she's killing an alien in her underwear. By the end of the series, she is a hybrid alien who's been rebirthed. So overall, I think I'm gonna give her a seven.

She's pretty rad. I'm gonna give her an eight for radness. I agree she is not coded as cool necessarily, but once again, I'm giving her strong woman in a man's world points, and also her jumpsuit looks cool. I love that 80s style, you know? That's 79, but it feels more 80s at times than 70s. And also like she pulls off the bald head look very well.

Pulls it off great. Yeah, and she has this really cool art, she's cool. Okay, let's talk about badness. How bad is, well, she might not stack up against some of these other nonstop killing machines, but she does fight like the ultimate living weapon and win regularly. Yes. Yeah.

She's, she, well, Dan, you say what you're gonna say. It sounds like you have a little argument against that. It's a mixed decision, I think. You know, she does die at least once, and you know, her life is, is. True. You were the one who said that the other one was, the one after she died was her.

No, no, well, I'm saying like out of like the four times she's encountered an alien, she lost once arguably, or was a draw. That was, not a draw. She threw herself into a vat of fire and lava to kill an alien that was coming at her. Yeah, a draw. That's... Both died.

That seems like a victory. I mean, the fact that she's willing to do that though, I'll give her a nine. I'm gonna give her a nine as well. I feel like she, more because of how quickly she learns. She is not trained as a soldier, as far as we can tell, but she picks up fighting with a flame thrower really fast. She can control the power loader.

She has sex with an alien in the fourth one. She's willing to jump into a vat of lava. Like she's, it's all pretty bad ass. She'll do whatever it takes to get that alien. So. She fucking rocks So that's a nine. She's one of the great characters in all of action film. Yeah. Yeah.

Dan, give me a lucky dip roll. That's a four. Okay. Okay, this was good. There were kind of two options here and one of them she was not going to do well on. This category is mourning her daughter. She's right at that.

Okay, so on a scale of one being unlikely, 10 being very likely, how likely is she going to get approval for a small business loan? Sorry, which one's very likely and which one's... Okay. One is unlikely. Well, she has a long employment history.

There's a big gap in the middle where she was in cryogenic sleep for years. True. She does pick up skills quickly, as Elliot says. She has the power loader. She's good at that. True. But I do think that the fact that her life is entwined with the aliens now and forever, she's probably going to harm her, so I'm going to give her a five. I'm going toined with the aliens now and forever. Probably gonna harm her, so I'm gonna give her a five.

I'm gonna split the difference. Now, see, I'm gonna give her a seven. I feel like she dots her I's and crosses her T's. She does things by protocol, by the book. So whatever hoop she's gotta jump through to get that loan, she'll do it. I think there is a high probability that an alien will appear during the loan approval process,

which might make it more difficult, unless the bank manager is super impressed by what he sees when she kills that alien. So I'm going to say a seven, but it's always possible that they'll say you're too big a risk. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Or they will say your credit history has a huge gap. You didn't borrow or use a credit card for 50 years. We don't need to roll anymore. We don't need to roll anymore. We don't need to roll at all. We are down to one final action hero. That's right. That's Frank Martin. Who's this?

No, Frank Dribb. Jason Statham from the Transporter films. The Transporter. He has a simple rule. No women, no kids. Yeah. I think there's a... I mean, there's a fairly high level...

He has a million other rules, actually. He is the opposite of Lone Wolf in that Lone Wolf only transports kids. Yeah. It's true, yeah. A fairly high level of radness. Like, he's got the suit,s things. He's got rules. He's really good at driving. Have you seen his abs?

They're crazy. You know, the sheer stathamness of this character. He really missed out on not getting the Olympics one because wasn't he like an Olympic diver? I don't know whether he actually ever made it that high, but he was definitely like, yeah, he was a... Statham or the transporter? No, the transporter is No, Statham. The Transporter is just a man of many skills. Yeah.

One of them is driving. He definitely was a competitive diver. I don't know exactly how high he went. So how rad is he, though? I'm gonna give an eight for rads. Okay. I'm gonna give him, you know what? I'm gonna be a little tougher on him.

I'm gonna give him a six. The Transporter has always felt a little secondhand to me. Okay. He is trading on the style and fumes of other previous action characters. Yeah. But what about badness? I mean, this is another one where it's like, he's tough. He can definitely fight his way through a room, even though he's slipping on some oil. That is like an all-timer action sequence.

It's a great sequence. What about that bit in part two where he flips his car upside down, so Hook knocks the bomb that's strapped to the bottom of his car off? Yeah. I mean, he can do some amazing things with cars, just like our Fast and Furious friends. And then there's the third one where he is transporting that Russian girl who's Who's been kidnapped and it turns into this weird like sub Dom like kink relationship. It's pretty great Yeah, these are all good points Yes, that doesn't affect his body. I feel I don't know. I still feel like I

Influenced a little bit by Elliot about how threadbare some of this is even though I do enjoy it Okay, I'll give it a seven. Seven for badness, okay. I'm gonna give him a seven as well. He can handle himself, he's got a lot of great moves, he does cool things. I feel even if they don't always cohere into a hole for me. Yeah.

He might actually do okay on this. How likely on a scale of one being unlikely, 10 being very likely. How likely is this to transport something? on a scale of one being unlikely, 10 being very likely. How likely is this to transport something? How likely is he to comfortably retire as an old man? Oh, maybe if everyone on this list, maybe except for John McClane maybe,

I would give him a high mark on this. I feel like he's gonna do well. Yeah, he's got all these rules and stuff, you know. He's very professional, I would give him a 10 maybe. Ready to walk away, yeah. I feel like he's going to do well. Yeah, he's got all these rules and stuff, you know. He's very professional. I would give him a 10 maybe. Ready to walk away. I feel like he could walk away from this in a moment's notice and he does not,

his job gets him into trouble. Once he stops doing that job, I feel like he could just go be a beekeeper. This was the category I was worried Ripley was going to pull because there's no way she's comfortably retiring. She's fighting aliens until the very end. Yeah, they're in a death spiral. Just because there's a chance that he just might transport one too many things before and get knocked off,

I'm gonna dock him a point, but I'll give him a nine. I could see that. I could see that. But I think, I feel like, especially in comparison to the other characters, he is maybe the most likely. Yeah. The bad boys I could is maybe the most likely. Yeah. The bad boys I could see retiring at some point. Yeah. Someday. Okay, so that has been, I'm going to tally up the scores.

Tally up the scores Hey, so this is your Game Master, Stuart Wellington, chiming in with the final tally for our rankings of action movie heroes official rankings for the flop house. Now I've tallied up all the scores and we have our top three contestants. Now coming in third we actually have an even tie. That's right James Bond and Indiana Jones both tie at 71 points. Not bad out

of a possible 90 that is pretty good and they both struggled a little bit when it came to the lucky dip but that is often the case. Moving on to our second place this is this is a big deal but before actually I get there let's take a little pause let's look at our lowest scoring hero and I think this is a big deal, but before actually I get there. Let's go. Let's take a little pause Let's look at our lowest scoring hero, and I think this is a little bit of a surprise for fans of the Flophouse That's right Cameron Poe coming in dead last Unfortunately his easy forest Gumpian Jesus like charm just did not put him on the scoreboard So let's get back to the real scores

Let's talk at number two. This is our number two action movie hero and that's right coming in big We got the Samarian himself a king by his own hand Conan the Barbarian with a whopping 78 points out of 90 that is huge and 78 points out of 90. That is huge. And honestly, he might have managed to take number one if he hadn't had a weak radness score from Mr. Dan McCoy. Dan McCoy coming in as the spoiler this time. That means there can be only one.

That's right. The Black Mamba, Beatrix Kiddo, aka The Bride, she killed Bill and she killed our hearts. She comes in with 80 points, just beating out Conan the Barbarian. So that's it, there you have it folks, the official rankings of action movie heroes here at the Flophouse. Back to you guys. Whoa, that was a shocker. So thank you so much for participating in this.

This has been the official rankings of 2024. Can't wait to revisit them in 2025. Okay, so for the Flophouse, this has been a Flophouse Mini. We are part of the Maximum Fun Podcast Network. We are produced by Alexander Smith. He is known as Howell Dawdy on the internet. He's a musician. He's a podcast producer, he's great. For the Flophouse, I've been Stuart Wellington.

I've been Dan McCoy. I've been Elliot Kalin. Can't believe those results. Bye! ["The Flophouse"] Maximum fun. A worker-owned network. Of artist-owned shows.

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