The Flop House - FH Mini 136 - Doctors of Filmdom

Episode Date: September 6, 2025

Elliott provides a survey of cinema's eponymous doctors, and asks us whether we'd trust them with our medical care.See The Flop House LIVE IN CHICAGO this November!And, if you prefer to watch us from the comfort of your own home: Tickets for Flop TV Season 3 are ON SALE!Subscribe to our NEWSLETTER, “Flop Secrets!

Hello, flop friends. If you're listening to this on the day of release, Flop TV starts tonight if you want to join us live. But you don't have to because you can also watch it on demand with tickets. How do you get tickets? Oh, I'm glad you ask. Go to theflophouse.com where you can pick up individual show tickets or a season pass. And now on with the show. Hello. Welcome to the Flop House. That's this podcast. But this episode, it's not a regular episode of the podcast. We're doing something a little special today. And by special, I mean lesser than our usual podcast. Because this is a Flop House mini. My name is Elliot Kalen and I am joined, of course, by my regular co-host on the Flop House. Dan McCoy. Stuart Wellington. That's right. We have the Stuart Wellington robot. Regular Stuart Wellington was not available. I thought that was him, like, reading his, like, name into his voicemail or whatever. I see. Yeah, yeah, to access your bank information. Speak to a representative. Complain to manager.

So on most episodes, the Flop House, and by most I mean half of them, we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it. But then there's the other half, which is less, but also the same amount, which is called the Flop House Mini. And on a Flop House Mini, we do whatever we want. Or, more accurately, sometimes, whatever we can throw together when it's a busy, rough week for the person in charge of the mini. I am the person in charge of this mini.

And so let's do some hastily thrown together stuff. You, the audience, the listeners. I love that L.A. just throws like a fucking mystery at the listener. We're like, I wonder why Elliot had a rough week. Was he disappointed by the recent episode of, I don't know, television show? He also doesn't like the new season of Wednesday.

I appreciate him lowering the bar to the floor, so when we step over it, they will applaud. They'll go, oh, how wonderful, how wonderful. I thought it was going just, you guys going, for 40 minutes, but you were actually talking. I will say, Stuart, I was disappointed in I don't know what television show, the new episode. I've not watched Wednesday, so I'm not familiar with it.

Otherwise, that could be the mini. You know, I assume it's the story of Wednesday Adams having to finally spend time with her birthdad Grizzly Adams out in the woods. Yes. Can I actually say something about the premise of Wednesday? It's like... Now's the time. You have the floor.

You know, I yield two minutes of my time to Dan to talk about the premise of Wednesday. I'm like the, you know, 10,000th person to say something about this. But since L.A. doesn't know anything about Wednesday. It's new to him. I mean, I know about the day. I spent like half an hour complaining about Wednesday to L.A. over the phone. That is actually true. A couple days ago, Stuart did spend a lot of time telling him about the press.

Well, like, first, there's five minutes of me being like, really? I understand it's not for me. It's, like, a Y-A take. That's exactly what you said, yep. Like, the whole point of the Adams family is, like, they are the outliers. So they're like, let's send Wednesday to a magical school full of magic monsters. Yes, it sucks. And the fact that the magical monsters are just called outcasts, like, that's your fucking first draft idea of a name?

Yeah. I haven't seen it, so I can't say, I will say for me, there's only one outcast, and that's Andre 3000 and Big Boy. But it's two people No, but they make one outcast But that's one outcast Yeah, because they each get Because Andre 2000 gets on big boy's shoulders And they put a trench coat over

And they say, oh, one ticket for an outcast, please. So Even though. They're like, is that accent from stankonia? Yeah, yes, I'm a native. So one ticket to Dracula's wedding, please. So I haven't seen Wednesday. That's not what we're talking about today.

If anyone wants to hire me to write for Wednesday, I didn't criticize it the way these other guys have. Yeah, yeah. Don't hire me. I just rewrite the entire premise. Or hire us to fix it. Yeah, yeah. They put the ire and hire. Help us fix your hit shows that everyone loves.

Yeah, that everyone loves. By just putting in a copy of, yeah, just by putting in a copy of Adams Family Values and hitting play. It's a great movie. I love Adam's Family Values. But that's not what we hear to talk about. That was a lot of Adams Family and Wednesday talk

for a mini that is not about that. Guys, I wanted to talk about health care. Health care in America. We're all going to be losing our health insurance at one point or another. That's just the system that's been put in place at the moment. But I want to talk about

what kind of doctors can we count on. We don't know what doctors are going to be seeing. What if we end up seeing the doctors from different movies? And so today's an episode of a flop house I'm calling HMO Health Movie Opportunities and I'm going to be talking to you guys

about a series of film doctors. And I want you to tell me what ailment are you going to see these doctors for. There's a certain one. I'm really looking forward to their parents. I don't know, maybe they're on the list Maybe they're not I've got a bunch of them here

Now for the purposes of this I have tried to limit it to doctors Whose Names appear in the titles of the movie Not all of them Maybe there's a couple where it's not But there's just a Even more sure my doctor is going to show up now Okay, we'll see

There's a lot of So there's a lot of doctors in movies And so I want to tell me What ailments are you going to this doctor for What's their specialist? Maybe this is the first one I know guys if you're going to see Dr. Giggles What are you going to do you?

Oh, yeah, it's my serious St. Vitus dance condition. Yeah, so what are you seeing Dr. Giggles about? I'm not sure. I don't remember. I don't think he was an accredited doctor. I think he just thought he was a doctor. Is that true, too? His name is doctor.

He's called Dr. Giggles. But, yeah, I guess I would assume that he's a Patch Adam style laughter's the best medicine doctor. Yeah. So you're not basing this on the movie, but rather on, just seeing his name listed in a directory. Yeah, look at the poster. Oh, okay, I'll go see him, yeah. Well, I mean, I, yeah, I would not even, I mean, if I'd see the movie,

I'm not going to see Dr. Giggles at all. So I'm presenting a fiction where I'm just like, okay, and Zock Doc, Dr. Giggles comes up. And I guess I would go to him for some sort of, like, you know, Pagliachi, uh, scenario where I'm depressed and I assume that he can cheer me up. But he's telling you, you know, who's really the Dr. Giggles is Pagliachi. You've got to see him. Dr. Giggles, I am, I am Vagliacci.

He's also Palliachi. No one's just Tagliacci. Sorry. That's okay. So the... I'm not Italian, Elliot. I'm not perfect. If Dan was Italian, he would be perfect.

He would be perfect, yeah. I feel like that's an apron you should have Dan that says if I was Italian, it'd be perfect. I don't know if Dan could handle the fiery Italian blood coursing through his veins, though. No, I don't think. So it would certainly keep him up. He'd need an even more powerful seatpap machine. I just have my grumpy Celtic blood. Grumpy Celtic blood could be a metal band, right?

A metal band used a lot like flute and fiddle. That's basically the band primordial, actually. So Dr. Gilstein, you're going to go to him to help you lift your spirits. He's a fun doctor. Okay, what about Dr. Fibes then? He's abominable. We know that from the title of the movie. You don't put that in his listing, right?

I mean, if you're seeing his reviews and it says abominable, You like specialties, abominable in this. Now, the movie, you mainly see him killing people in different revenge-filled ways. But what would you go to Dr. Fibbs for? Stuart, what are you seeing Dr. Fibs for? I mean, probably revenge. So it's like Revenge, MD.

That's what his listing is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's like dirty work. I hire him to do revenge for me. I try to remember. And who are you getting revenge on? I'm curious about that, too. I think we've already talked about it, the creators of Wednesday.

Okay, so Dr. Fives are going for revenge. Dan, let's say you're in Russia, something happens. You've got to go see Dr. Javago. What are you going to see Dr. Javago about? Now, he's an actual, unlike Dr. Giggles and the Dr. Fives in the movie, he's a doctor before the movie of Dr. Fibb starts, but by the time he's appearing, I think he's no longer practicing. Dr. Chivago is a practicing doctor.

So what are you going to go see him for? From what I remember of the film, like, he's a pretty warm guy, like a likable guy. I mean, it is a romance, so you have to sympathize with him, right? A little bit, yeah. Yeah, maybe you'll help fix your broken heart. The better thing that I was going to say. Loft love doctor. I was just going to make him my PCP, you know, like my primary care.

Oh. Primary care physician. Okay, that's not the PCP that I, in the circles I travel in to Amher. I think you forgot my chemical through lifestyle. I wanted to use some angel dust with them. Yeah, exactly. Is that a thing doctors do? I mean, there was a time, I think, when you probably could get that from a doctor.

But more is a hobby. Yeah, Dr. Feel Good. You know. Also, Dr. Robert, I hear. Yeah, he is a, Dr. Robert is a less enticing name than Dr. Feel Good. If I'm going to go for drugs. But there's no movie called Dr. Field Good. Is there?

I don't know. Let me check it while you. Okay. Do that. Stuart, let me ask you about this next doctor. Dr. Strange. What are you going to him for? He is a surgeon, but that's not what he does most of the time now. So what are you going to do to him for? I mean, I kind of just want to go get surgery done because, like, he used to do it,

and it'd be like, you know, it'd be like him coming back and playing the hits. I wouldn't have him drive me around because that's what caused his whole hand situation. That's a good point. Would you go to him? Oh, yeah. Sorry. From 2020, there's a doctor. In 2020, there's a listing for a TV series, Dr. Feel Good.

But if you go to it, there's only one episode. So I don't think that, I don't think that got off the ground. But there is, from 2011, there's a movie, an hour and 21 minutes thriller, Dr. Feel Good. So there you go. Okay. And the music video for Motley Crew, Dr. Fieldgood. Yeah. All right.

That's fair. Okay. So, Stuart, you're going to Dr. Strange. I would not advise going to him for a spell that would erase people's knowledge of memory but if you do don't interrupt him don't interrupt him don't be an idiot and just babel on like a fucking moron like a clumsy goof or show him the movie baby babylon while he's doing it don't show him movie babel at all it's terrible no actually i know what i do uh dr strange i would go to him for that uh that materialist uh calf lengthening shin lengthening

surgery uh yeah i want to be tall yeah he'd be like by the eye of akamato make his calf Longo, and it would happen. Dan, I have a question for you then. Maybe this should have been for Stewart. What if you went to Dr. Mordred, which was a hastily renamed Dr. Strange movie starring Jeffrey Combs. It was supposed to be a Dr. Strange movie.

They lost the license and they renamed the character. But it's Stuart favorite Jeffrey Combs playing Dr. Mordred. What do you think of that? Probably if I needed to be reanimated in some way, I would go to that doctor. He knows about those. Strange that with his doctor training, he didn't try to help.

to help Giorgio get a prosthetic penis to replace the one that was ripped off at some point. He didn't get a chance. Georgi was so worked up. That's true. Worked up how? I mean, did you see the movie? He spent some crazy stuff.

Sure. I guess that covers a lot. No shade, you know, but... It's doing a lot of work that worked up. There's a guy who's been chained in a basement for decades and he gets loose and he's killing people and Stewart's like, yeah, it's pretty worked up. Oh, man.

Somebody put a nickel and him. He's hyper. He's just a little hyper. Yeah, he's got the zoomies. Somebody needs a nap. Somebody needs a lie down. Stewart, what about Dr. Strangelove? What are you going to Dr. Strange Love for help with?

I don't know. Like bomb stuff? I guess so. That's pretty literal. So what's that? Like you got blown up by a bomb? Oh, okay. So Strange Love, probably to remove the things I stuck up my butt that won't come out.

Okay. Yeah, that's, I mean, I would know if we would call that. That is love of a sort. I don't know if it has to be strange, but yeah, sure. So he's a proctologist is what you're saying. I mean, if it's a thing that can't come out anymore because I chose the wrong item, I guess. I guess that makes sense. And he does have a robot hand.

So that's exactly what you would want for extracting something from your rectum. Yeah. Yeah. Dan, what about you? Same thing for Dr. Strangelove? Yeah, yeah. And, you know, to quote our friends over at Jordan Jesse Go without a base, without a trace. So be safe out there, everyone.

Yeah, yeah, there's no end to it. Yeah, you could just, there's no stopping. There's no thing in your butt that naturally stops something from going too far. Yeah, you can just keep going. Just keep going, and then come on your mouth. Yeah. In that case, you don't need to see the doctor. You already removed it yourself.

Yeah. But in the most circuitous painful way. Yeah. Oh, we've got a new entry into the list. Dr. Feel Good, the Motley Crew video. Who are you going to this doctor for? Well, I think pretty much anything. He advertises that it'll make me feel good. He'll make me feel all right as well.

Okay. I mean, all right feels like not as good as good. Get some scripts. It comes down from feeling good. Yeah, get some scripts filled. Okay.

I think he also makes you feel out of sight, though. So, I think. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Yeah, man. I mean, out of sight's a great movie. That's true.

It makes you feel like the character's not of sight. Super suave, super sexy. They always know what to say. Even when something doesn't go their way, they're able to pivot and kind of deal with it. They can fall in love in the middle of like a high-tintech. situation.

A lot of people have hard trouble falling in love when they're locked inside a trunk that criminals are driving around the car of. Yeah, they can do it. But he's going to be your Frankenstein. That's something that Dr. Philgood. We've got lyrics genius on the case here. Yeah.

So while he's looking at that, Stewart, what about Dr. No? What are you going to see Dr. No for? Yes. Now, the thing about Dr. No is it's also inconvenient. You have to go to his base, which I believe is a volcano island. And without that, without a trace.

Yeah. Yeah. So, I would say, yeah. Thanks, Dan. I would say. The volcanoes are just the Earth's rectum. Don't shove things in there. It'll go right down to the center of the earth, yeah.

I would go to him for some James Bond removal. Okay. That's a good. I mean, he fails to do that. But, you know, he's got experience. Yeah, but he's due. He's like the Washington General. Oh, I see.

I mean, he's committed to the job for sure. I'm glad we're picking up our theme from the last episode of referring to comedy shows that we watched. Okay, how about, Dan, maybe this is more up your alley. Dr. Doolittle. Now, his name says he doesn't do much. Which one? Well, that's a good question.

Which one would you like it to be? I think I would go whatever. Because you've got at least three choices. Rex Harrison, famous asshole. Eddie Murphy, who's not, I mean, he's more of a real doctor in it. Or Robert Danny Jr., who in that movie, it's very hard to understand what he's saying at any given point.

Yeah. Well, I was going to go Rex and tell you said if he's a famous asshole. I guess a very difficult person, very difficult person to be here. I guess I would go to Eddie Murphy then. I mean, come on. He's a huge star. Eddie Murphy's not a real doctor. He just played a doctor in the movie, Dr. Doolittle.

I feel like this was entrapment. It was. No, that's a different movie. That's a different movie. That's the movie where Catherine said to Jones's butt has to fight lasers. We've talked about it. What a more innocent time in American culture when you could have a movie become a hit just based off of a shot of someone's butt in a,

pair of pants sliding under a laser and that they sold that movie so hard on that one shot America's like I gotta see that I gotta see that I think a lot of people thought that that was a multiple times no just the one time just the one time yeah they gave it away in the trailer honestly yeah so

but that's what gets you in the door you know so Dr. Doolittle with Eddie Murphy even though he would probably be distracted by these animals talking to him which I think is what happens in the movie I mean he is a wait is he a veterinarian I don't remember about the Eddie Murphy Dr. Doolittle.

I mean, in the original, yes, he's for sure. I thought he was an obstetrician in the middle of delivering a baby, a dog or a bird or something just started talking to him. Yeah. So I would definitely go for like animal problems. Like this is the most useful doctor and all of them. I mean, if you were a animal, it's the only doctor you really should say, yeah, because he understands both.

If he can actually talk to the animals, walk with the animals, I mean, come on. Here's the thing. Walking with the animals, not that difficult. Less impressive. Most people can do that. The talking with the animals, that's the hard part. Yeah. Yeah.

So, Stuart, how about for you, Dr. Parnassus, from the Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus, a movie I saw and remember almost nothing about. Yeah, I've never seen it. Andrew Garfield's great in it. Yeah, I'm going to say, I'm having trouble with my dreams. Okay, okay. Is that what the movie's about? Probably.

Is that the game we're playing is guess what the movie's about? No, no. Yeah, what medical problem would you use an imaginarium for? Yes, it's a good question, yeah. Yeah, I guess if, like, you had some sort of psychosomatic disease, then you needed an imaginarium. Muscular pain. Now, here's not a doctor, but what if you needed a wonder emporium?

Would you go to Mr. Magorium? Oh, it's one of the top people for that. No way. Everyone goes there. I think it's overrated. in a Los Angeles magazine when they listed LA's top Wonder Emporium Prevayers

Mr. Magorium was pretty high up there So what about We're gonna have we're gonna break for an ad After just a couple more And we'll talk about a few more doctors But before we do that I've got a couple more doctors Dan who are you seeing Dr. Caligari about What are you seeing that about?

You got a problem Dr. Caligari is the only one who can deal with it What's your ailment? I need a cabinet built That's what I'm just sort of carpentry So you think the movie is about him building a cabinet I can only assume So you're at IKEA

You're like, I want something sturdy I want something that's going to last I'll get a custom-made cabinet He's a synombolist He like he has a somnambulist The somnambulist is the sleepwalker He's probably a somnambulizer So some sort of sleep dysfunction

I mean I have sleep apnea Dr. Calgary could be really useful for you Dan The only issue is you get the greatest night of sleep of your life You can wake up so relaxed But in the middle of the night you do murder people while you're sleeping So is that a trade-off you're willing to make? So wait, he's not making cabinets?

No, he's not making cabinets. Are you saying that Captain Corelli is not making mandolins? I haven't seen it, so maybe he is, I don't know. And also, where did Guillermo del Toro get his cabinet of curiosities then? These are good questions, Elliot. Dr. Caligari may have built that. That's true, yeah. Good point.

So let's leave that question to the philosophers of whether Dr. Caligari builds cabinets. Two more. Stuart, what about Dr. T from the movie the 5,000, The 5,000 fingers of Dr. T., the only original script that I believe Dr. Seuss wrote was produced as a feature film. Okay, so I've never seen this movie, so I'm just going to have to base it on what little information you're throwing at me. Okay. But I would say tummy problems. Okay.

I mean, it's called the 5,000 fingers of Dr. T, but you think his tummy is what he specializes in. Well, that's what I need help with. My tummy hurts. And the T could stand for tummy, that's true. Or maybe he's Dr. Tumnus and he lives in Narnia. Oh, yeah. If I have a rumble in my gruma grim grumble, that's what I'll go to him for. That makes sense.

Yeah, that's one of the main things he uses. And now, Dan, what about Dr. T from Dr. T and the women? That's a different doctor T, I assume. Dr. T is a gynaecologist. So I probably won't be going to that doctor. I mean, that's a job you could use 5,000 fingers for. Oh, God. I'll refer people.

Oh, yeah, that one cooking. So, Dan, you're not going to avail Dr. T of his knowledge of the human body. I mean, I guess if I needed gynecological advice, like secondhand, I could talk to Dr. T. That makes sense. That makes sense. I'm going to take a brief moment from this nonsense to tell you about some real sense. That's right, some real things that the Flop House has going on.

We've got some really exciting stuff that we want you to join us for. Flot TV is back. That's right. Flot TV, baby. The online TV version of the Flop House live broadcasts once a month on the first Saturday of every month from September through February. It's season three of Flop TV. Can you believe it?

We're on season three already. And we just have all these serialized stories and all these twists and turns, all these things that you're going to want to watch. I'm just kidding. We don't do that at all. Instead, it's like a one-hour version of the Flop House, new presentations,

new video segments. We take questions from the audience, and most importantly, we talk about a bad movie. Bad movies we've never talked about on the show before. In September, it's going to be The Adventures of Plutonash. In October, it's going to be Jack Frost, the Michael Keaton version.

And what comes after October? November. In November, it's Zanadu. In December, it's Zardaws. In January, it's Dr. Doolittle, the Rex Harrison version, famous asshole. And in February, it is Plan 9 from outer space. That's right. We're going back in time through the episodes.

To talk about some flops, we've never had the opportunity to talk about before. Guys, are you as excited as I am about Flop TV season three? Yeah, man, I just sent over my first special report to our tech guru, Matt Carmen, who wrote back, very weird. Good job. Excellent. And I was practicing my presentation on my wife yesterday, and she said it's a little long, but very funny,

so I'm going to cut it down. And hopefully just keep the funny parts. Go to theflophouse.sympletix.com for tickets. Again, that's theflophouse. Simpletix.com. Buy individual episodes, or you can buy the season pass. It's a six show bundle. Six episodes for the price of five.

That's like one free show. That's what I would do if I were you. Go to the flophouse. Simpleticks.com. If you can't make it to the live broadcast of the show, then that's okay. Your ticket gets you access to the recordings of the show

through the end of February. You can watch the episodes as many times as you want in whatever order you want at whatever playback speed you want. It doesn't matter to me. Wow. Yeah.

Watch a double speed. What an offer. Yeah. That's theflophouse. simpletics.com for FlopTV season three. Yeah, if you watch it fast enough, it'll be like one of those time lapse videos where you can watch our like

facial hair grow and our fingernails get super long. Yeah. In one hour. I'm Emily Fleming. I'm Jordan Morris. And I'm Matt Lee. We are real comedy writers.

Real friends. And real cheap skates. On every episode of our podcast free with ads, we ask, why pay for expensive streaming services when you can get free movies from apps with weird names? Each week, we review the freest movies the Internet has to offer. Classics like Pride and Prejudice. Cult classics like Point Break.

And holy shit. What did I just watch classics like Teen Witch? Tune in every week as we take a deep dive into the Internet's bargain bin. Every Tuesday on Maximumfund.org or your favorite pod place. As you may have seen, our Chicago show is sold out, so we added a late show where we'll be discussing a second film starring America's runner-up favorite balushi, Jim. That shows at Sleeping Village on Sunday, November 16 at 9.30 p.m. I said nine last time in error, and I think it was listed wrong, at least one other place, but it is 9.30.

So go to sleeping-village.com for tickets to that on November 16. Guys, let's talk about some more doctors. Yeah, why not? Okay, let's talk about some. Let's check into the doctor. Go see the doctor by Cool Modi. Let's talk about doctors, baby. Let's talk about doctors baby.

So getting back to some more movie doctors, what about Dr. Moreau, the Marlon Brando version? What are you asking Dr. Moreau's help with? Well, obviously he's talented in the arts of mutants. Yeah. That's true. I'd ask him about this pig nose that I have growing on my nose. He'd be able to help you with that,

but he might be hard to get clear information out of. Could I get, like, a little version of me to follow me around? You are in luck. He is, he specializes in that. He's the only specialist for that. So that's Dr. Moreau.

He's an MD that stands for a mutant doctor. That's what he does best. Dr. Marguerite Moreau. Sorry, it's just a name of an actress. Oh, okay. It's not even, it's nothing. I was about to be like, is that his actual name? Yeah, thrilled to me.

Because we don't know his first name. It would be Marguerite. I don't know. I'm just going to call him Marlon because it's Marlon Brando. Here's, okay, what about Dr. Detroit? What do you see in this doctor for? I knew this one was coming. And Dan, before you say it, don't say prostitutes.

That is his main business. Well, not his main business. His main business is being a professor. But he does have a thriving sideline as the protector of a bunch of sex workers in, is it in Detroit? No, he's from Detroit. He's in Chicago. Yeah. Okay.

That's where we're going to be. Do you think we're going to run into him? Probably. It's my understanding that, you know, he's a local character. You just see Dr. Detroit wandering around. Yeah, yeah. Sure, he's like Emperor Norton. He's the naked cowboy of Chicago.

Yeah. I would say I would go with style ideas. Okay. Some clothing ideas. A doctor of fashion. I see. That's what we're going to do it for. Yeah, I'd go to...

Doctor up my work. Like, can I get a robot arm, like your robot arm that you have? I want one of those. It's a robot arm? It's a weird goddamn movie. Like, I finally watched it in full, like, maybe a year ago, because I remembered it from, like... Because your parents came over and you want to watch it. Guys, you'll love this.

It is, like, unfiltered, like, whenever Dan Aykroyd, like, I think, didn't have anything else to filter his ideas, something very weird and not that funny. result, but kind of fascinating. I mean, I love Dan Aykroyd. I just think he needs collaborators. Or his best with collaborators. So Dr. Strangelove and Dr. Detroit have more in common than I thought.

They both kind of robot hands, right? Yeah. Yeah. The one thing I did feel about that movie, though, is like, it's just more proof that, like, even not that good movies from the past look so beautiful compared to current movies. Like, it is shot beautifully for what a weird piece of nonsense it is.

makes sense well the cinematographer was el greco oh yeah yeah so that's why i'm beautiful but the figures are all elongated okay that's dr detroit what about another doctor named after location doc hollywood what are you going to doc hollywood for plastic surgery i mean he's a plastic surgeon that's what he does yeah yeah i wouldn't go to him being like you know i don't know i've got an ulcer because i know that's not a doctor but he's still a doctor he had to go medical school right does he get a lot of plastic surgery jobs in the small town he crashes his car and get stuck in, isn't it? I mean, he does have to pivot to sort of general practice.

Yeah. I mean, but it doesn't, that's why that town is now known as the most beautiful town in America. Yeah. Is everyone, he just they go in for an ulcer and then he puts them under and when they come out, they've got bigger boobs or, you know, their pros feet are gone, you know. Guys, I had to look up who the cinematographer for Dr. Detroit

is, and it's someone who's gone, Red Hall. Someone whose name is King Baggett. King Bagget. That's a good name. Like maggot, but with a bee. Yeah, and I got it. Also, the director of Southern photography for the movie Gotcha. Oh, God, you'd have a little Revenge of the Nerds, the last Starfighter.

Oh, okay. He was working steadily in the 1980s. Some kind of hero. Anyway, so there you go. King, Baggett. Well, if he's listening, where are you now, King? Dan, enjoyed your work on Dr. Detroit. Here's a different kind of doctor.

Although he's similar to someone we talked about. What about Dr. Mabusa, who again, from the Fritz Lang films, the same name. He is a gambler, he is an eavesdropper, he's a brainwasher. What do you go to Dr. Mabusa for? Sort of, if I need like sort of a Napoleon of crime. Is that often? Do you often find yourself in that situation? Well, no, but I feel like it's the sort of thing that if you need it, you want it to be there, you know?

You're at your primary care physician. He's like, oh, for this, I'm going to write your referral, but just so you know, he's a little bit of a Napoleon of crime. Yeah. I'd probably go for some of that. like spotless mind type treatment so that I forget stuff. Oh, yeah, that's a good idea. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, he'll have access to all your secrets is the only thing. That's fine. Okay, he's definitely going to use those to blackmail you. Yeah, I mean, I feel like tech companies are already doing that anyway. That's true. Yeah, that's a good point. Okay, what about... I'd rather support my local eavesdropper

than some kind of World Zibatsu eavesdropper. That's fair. Yeah, the mom and pop eavesdropper. Yeah. Mom and pop surveillance state. We're now firmly into the mad doctor section because here's Dr. X. I don't know if you guys have seen that movie

involves someone who kills people after slathering himself in artificial flesh. Oh. Dr. X is also the villain of the Queens Reich record Operation Mind Crime. Okay. And Operation Mind Crime Part 2 is voiced by the late great Ronnie James Dio. I don't think they're the same person. I guess if I had like, you know, severe burns or something,

I'd like if he's an expert with this artificial flesh, that would be good. Yeah, what about if you just had George Burns? George Burns. Oh, God. Some artificial flesh would be good. Just, you know, melt some of those years off of old George. That's fair. And, yeah, Stu, let's just say you're not hurt,

but you just happen to get a bunch of artificial flesh from Dr. X. What are you going to do with it? Yeah, I don't know. Or I guess he calls it synthetic flesh. Burgers. I mean, burgers is an obvious one, damn. Come on, I'm trying to think outside the bun. So I would say, I would probably, you know, like set up a series of really hilarious pranks involving all this synthetic flesh.

Yeah, just like a slip on a nose. Just like a banana feel. It's slip on a nose. What about, okay, next, what about Dr. Terror from the film Dr. Terror's House of Horrors? Now, I will mention you will have to go to a house of horrors to see Dr. Terror. So what are you going to go to Dr. Terror for? Is that as given name or is that like, is that his actual last name or did he earn that one? In the movie, it's not his actual last name.

But let's say his name is Dr. Edward Terror. Do they use that actual title in SCTV or is it like some play on that? Like, I remember that being in part of, you know, the Joe Flaherty character, or the Count Floyd. That's what I'm thinking of. I don't remember. Okay. Okay, so Dr. Terror.

I would probably go for, you know, I'm scared of a lot of stuff, so why not stuff to just calm me down, you know? Scripts for some like... Some anti-anxiety medicine. Yeah, thank you. All right. I'll tell you, I've been finding those very helpful this year. Anxiety medicine.

I mean, I feel like if he's an expert at causing terror, he probably also knows how to calm it down. You're right. You're right. He's a master of terror, so he also knows what the opposite of terror is, which is what you think, like kind of low-level gummies or something like that?

Yeah, that's the opposite of terror. Okay, so you'll go there for your anxiety. What about Dr. Cyclops? This is another kind of mad scientist character. He shrinks people down. Probably eye tests. I was going to say the opposite. I don't want to go to them for, like, an eye thing.

Like, clearly something went wrong. at some point. But he probably spends so much time thinking about eyeballs. That's true. You think so? So there's the old story where... So there's the old riddle.

You go to a town. You need a haircut for something. There's two barbers in the town. One of the barbers has a great haircut. The other has a real messy haircut. Which barber do you go to? Yeah, you go to the one with the messy haircut because he gets his haircut

at the great barbers. Well, he cuts the... Yeah, because he is the great barber and he cuts the other guy's hair. I was going to say the opposite. Oh, boy. I have definitely not gotten my haircut from a guy because he was wearing a baseball

fall cap before. Like, this doesn't bode well for me. He's trying to hide his hair and he wants to run his hands through mine. I don't think so. But so with Dr. Cyclops, is it the same thing? You go to the guy with bad eyesight to get your glasses or the other way around. Well, are they ruby quartz glasses? That's a different cyclops.

This is the Cyclops who shrinks people. I would go to them for a monocle for sure. Okay, okay. Fair point. All right. So for your monocle-based ophthalmology. Have you considered switching from glasses to a monocle? I don't know

I feel like I've gotten past the point in my life when like affectations or something that attracts me Let me just tell you You are wrong Why Because I think you are on the verge

Of the most affectation-based era In your life yet You're about to get there I think you're a couple years away From going from being a young Affectation guy To being just a regular guy To being an old dandy

Who needs to really Who's not afraid to set his style To extreme I think that it will come in age I you know I wore we went to Governor's Island recently and I wore my Panama hat because I'm like I'm

I'm getting to an age where like I'm almost there where it just looks normal to wear a hat you know because I feel like it looks normal on old people and it doesn't look normal on any young guys especially big floppy hats make more sense on old men than on young men but Dan I think you're almost there

I see you as becoming like an Edward Gorey type figure Just kind of like... If only, the guy... I think you could do it. Had fucking swagger. You see that. Have you seen what Edward Gory looked like? No, no, I'm not going to get up.

I think you could pull it off, Dan. It takes work. It takes work and you've got to push past the haters and persist. I think you can do it. So that's what you're going to... But we already talked about... Holy shit.

Yeah. And we already... He's fucking dripped out here. This is crazy. When you go to Dr. Detroit for your clothing advice, he's going to tell you this, yeah. Yeah, this is amazing. He's like that.

Like, who's the heavy metal artist guy? Oh, damn it. The fantasy artist. Frisetta, yeah. That's another one, yeah. Frisetta looked incredible. Oh, I don't know what that guy looks like. Yeah, it looks amazing.

This is another episode of Dan and Stuart look up pictures of guys. Very good for listening to. Well, you're dealing with that. What about Dr. Sadism from the movie The Torture Chamber of Dr. Sadism? Now, this is actually an adaptation of the pit in the pendulum. It's also known as the blood demon.

And like Dr. Terror, this is also a Christopher Lee movie. Oh, okay, cool. So what are you going to Dr. Sadism for, Stuart? Oh, well, he obviously, I don't know, like I feel like maybe a tattoo or something, something where he doesn't mind causing, or like, no, physical therapy, something where he doesn't mind causing, like, pain to me. You need him to be a little tough on you. Yeah, he needs to be a little rough.

He needs to really get in there and start cracking my bones. That makes sense. That makes sense. What about the mad doctor of Blood Island? That's another movie doctor. What are you seeing the Mad Doctor of Blood Island for? Probably something blood disease related, right? Well, no, he just is on Blood Island.

I don't know if that's his specialty. Okay. Yeah, the island title was named. It was named for something else. There was a massacre there or something. I mean, like if you go to a doctor on Christmas Island, it's not like he only treats Christmas-related issues. No, good point.

I'm acting foolish. Well, what would suggest such silliness to me? Okay, well, let's, let's move past that then. And the, let's go to, we only got two left. 82 left. We only got 82 doctors left. The next one, Mulholland Drive, but when it's written sometimes, it's just DR for drive. So it looks like Doctor.

So who you can go to Mulholland Doctor for? I got this real problem with a weird witch living behind my diner. Then Mulholland Doctor is going to be able to help you with that, yeah. Yeah, can you remove it? that? Could you just slice that off? No, that's the best part. Does a lot of mad witch ectomies and also puzzle box ectomies.

If you have a puzzle box that's recreating reality when you open it, they're very good at doing that. And finally, Patch Adams. What are you going to Patch Adams for? I'm not going to go to that man. Dan, you, it was a trick question and you aced it. Yes, you do not go to Patch Adams. That is a

very good answer. What if I have a broken funny bone he's not going to fix it? No, he just breaks it more. That's the problem. Guys, I think we've learned a lot today about doctors, about health. This is a lot of information our listeners can use in their own lives, which is wonderful. Sure.

Yeah, yeah. This is like a last week tonight episode. Yeah, today we're doing a deep dive on movie doctors. So, listeners, we hope you enjoy this nonsense that we've been pouring into your ears for much longer than we should have by this point. This is the flop house. We hope you've enjoyed it. If you have enjoyed it, please leave us a positive review

wherever you want to. Tell people about it. Get a plane and sky right. Listen to the flop house over the city of your choice. If you did not like this episode, I apologize. We'll be back next week

with a regular episode where we watch a bad movie and we talk about it. We are part of the Maximum Fun Network. Please take a listen to the other great maximum fun shows. There's a lot of great culture shows, a lot of great comedy shows,

and I know I get a lot of personal enrichment from being a max fun member and listening to those programs. So I advise you to do the same. I'd like to give a thank you to our producer, Alex Smith, who will hopefully have found some way to shape this into an actual episode

that you can listen to, or at the very least, smoothed out the audio, I guess. Alex Smith is also a creator in his own right. He is online as Howell Doughty, and he does podcasts and songs, and he is incredibly talented and incredibly funny. So I advise you to seek him out as well.

I would remind you that we will be in Chicago, on November 16th at Sleeping Village, go to... Theflophouse.Simpletix.com. Thank you. And go to theflophouse.com to get tickets for FlopTV, which starts September 6th.

When this episode comes out, we'll be almost there. It'll be almost time for the episode. Or maybe it's the day of. I don't know. I'm not looking at the calendar. It might be. It might be.

Who knows? There's only one way to find out. Buy a ticket at theflophouse. Simpletix.com. Until then, thank you for joining us. We appreciate it greatly. Making this podcast is, I just can speak for myself. I won't put words in Dan and Stuart's mouth,

is a delight and something I look forward to every time we record. And it is very special and meaningful to me that it exists, that we get to make it and that you're listening to it. So for The Flop House, with a big thank you to you, the listener. I'm Elliot Kaelin. I've been Dan McCoy. I'm Stuart Wellington. We'll be back next week, probably with more nonsense.

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