The Flop House - FH Mini 142 - Respect Your Eldens

Episode Date: December 27, 2025

In this mini, Stuart attempts to explain the lore of Elden Ring to Dan and Elliott, despite the staunch resistance of his co-hosts.Tickets for Flop TV Season 3 are ON SALE! Also, we’ll be back at San Francisco Sketchfest on January 25! Get tickets now! We’ll be discussing legendary flop THE MASTER OF DISGUISE!Subscribe to our NEWSLETTER, “Flop Secrets! It’s got fun stuff in it!

Hey there, folks, I'm Stuart Wellington of the Flop House podcast, and welcome to another Flop House Mini. I am one of the members of the Flop House, and my co-hosts are me, Dan McCoy. And myself, Elliot Kalin, author of Joke Farming, had a right comedy and other nonsense on store shelves now. I have a bit of a cold, which is why I sound, as always, sexier. Yeah, yeah. Alex, can you just jack up Elliot's level? to make him sound less like he has a sexy cold. I mean,

what's a helium filter on? This is me now. Do one of them Alvin and the Chipmunks things to it. Okay. Guys, an Alvin and the Chipmunks would make more sense

than an Alvin and Thelonious monks, which is a different order. It's less about speeding up the sound and more about questioning what music is. Yeah. Is it a thing you put in your ears or is it something you devour like a carnivorous creature?

Although we'll say the Alvin and Thelonious monks version of all I want for Christmas is my two front teeth worth listening to. Okay. I thought you were about to say that it's worthless. And I'm like, come on, Elliot, that's harsh even for you. I would never say that. Never. So here at the flop house, we normally watch a bad movie and talk about it. But here on a flop house mini, we are doing our own thing, which is

a.k.a. whatever Stewart wants to do. And today, I have my two friends, and they are trapped here with me. I would love to paint a word picture for the audience that Stuart has what might be described as an impish grin on his face. There's a certain mischievous quality to him that worries me greatly. Dan is gripping the desk that we're sitting at with a intensity that I am worried is going to fracture the material he's holding. Yeah, I'm kind of worried Dan is wasting money right now on the whole chair because he's only using the edge. So we, just to give a little bit of preample here, a few weeks ago, maybe a month, Dan and I had the

a lucky opportunity to go out to dinner with our good friend, podcaster, author, comedian, actor, John Hodgman. And John invited us out to dinner with his friend, novelist George R.R. Martin. Now, if you're a regular listener of the show that you'll know that this is a huge deal for at least Stewart, because Stewart is an enormous Song of Ice and Fire fan. And I needed to have my emotional support, Dan, there, so I could hold on to him in case I was about faint. Yeah, thanks for animalizing me in this scenario. I will imagine Elliot was not invited.

They could say, hey, Elliot, you were 3,000 miles away at the time. And I can say, what about the New York to L.A. bullet train that I could have taken in just several hours. No, no, that's full of killers. That's why I don't take it. Good point, yeah. Obviously, if Elliot was in town, he wouldn't have been able to go out because it was well past his bedtime. Yeah, that's true. It's too bad because I'm such a big fan of George R. Martin's work with Jerry Lewis as Martin and Lewis.

Oh, that's great. Unfortunately, they never finished their routines. So this was a really big deal for me, and we went out to a very nice dinner, and George was a sweetie, and I got to sit next to him, and I did feel exactly like a make-a-wish kid the whole time. It's the closest I think I've ever seen, Stuart,

to a picture of a grown child next to Santa Claus, just the delight on your face in the picture I saw, yeah. Yes, it was lovely, and I made a point of not asking anything about the Song of Ice and Fire, books, spin-offs, etc., etc. You only told him how great

you loved the end of the series. It was all Beauty and the Beast talk. It was all wild cards, yeah. The thing that I really wanted to talk about and which is going to be the subject of today's mini is his involvement in the writing of the background for the video

game Eldon Ring. And because Eldon Ring also has been, is being developed into a movie by writer-director Alex Garland, who even flew all the way out to Japan to meet with a series developer Hiditaka Miyazaki to plan an Eldon Ring movie, which I will say, I've had, say, mixed feelings toward the work of Alex Garland, and I feel like it is an interesting choice, but hey, you know, he's got to

follow his passions. I thought, why not give my two best buddies a glimpse into something that I'm passionate about and give them a little bit of a heads up for a movie that will maybe come out sometime. Okay. Aren't you guys excited? Are you guys excited to step into the lands between with me? Sure. I'm excited to find out something about Eldon Ring, which I know exists.

I've never played it. All I know is it sounds to be like an old ring. These are words I've heard. Like it's an elderly ring. So you haven't played Eldon Ring. Like a rinkly old ring. It's kind of like that. So you have no experience with Elden Ring.

Now, Elden Ring is produced by a company that makes, and it's kind of a spiritual part. Wait, is Elden Ring missed? No. Okay, then no, I don't know Elden Ring. One of the rings that Sonic the Hedgehog collects, because then I would be familiar with it. If Sonic the Hedgehog collects the Eldon Ring and became Eldon Lord, I would be very impressed. And probably get... What is what?

I'd probably get deeper involved in my Sonic fan fiction, but go out. So Sonic is not in it or Sonic is not pregnant in it? No, he's neither. Although there is some pregnancy in it. What about Echo the Dolphin? He's pregnant with possibilities. Does Echo the Dolphin show? You guys are listing a lot of video games, but actually Elton Ring is kind of part of the Dark Souls.

Does it feature either Toad Jam or Earl or both? In a way, yes. So, Eldon Ring is part of the Dark Souls universe. Are you guys familiar with the Dark Souls games? Is there any clay fighting in Eldon Ring? I'm also glad that Elliot's only listing games from like the Sega Genesis from like a six-month window. That's about the last point at which I was familiar with a lot of video games. How many, what, is the rage primal in the game?

Yeah, Dark Souls. So Dark Souls. So it's part of the Dark Souls franchise. Are you familiar? Now, Dark Souls is a very popular. I play Dead Cells, which sort of sounds like Dark Souls. Now, Dead Cell is a roguelite. Now, I read Nikolai Gogol's classic novel, Dead Souls, and kind of not quite satire,

but picarious comedy about the Russian landowners of the 19th century. Is that what it's about? Well, I think, Ellie, you're talking about the book that inspired the hit song by, what is it, New Order? Or was it a Joy Division, Joy Division, Dead Souls, which was then covered famously in the Crow soundtrack by Trent Res. By the way, for the listeners, we're experimenting with something new called podcast edging, where we're just... We're never going to get to where we're going to be. I was like, you guys, this is going to be a long one. You're like, okay, that's great.

And then you're helping me make it longer. Yeah, that was amazing. I was like, I hope this will be short. And seriously, like, I got a bunch of stuff in this one. I'm like, oh, no. And now we're the ones slowing it down. Unfortunately, once you get me naming 90s console video games, that's when there's a problem. Yeah.

Okay. So, Eldon Ring is kind of part of the Dark Souls universe, which are a series of video role-playing games. Is that related to the dark universe of movie titles of which there was one? Yes. Are you talking about the mummy? There's one official one. I feel like they, like, I don't have a question. Dracula was kind of like a hidden pilot soft launch

that did not take, yeah. Mm-hmm, yeah. Failure launch, also part of it. Also part of the Dark Universe. It was a romance between Frankenstein and the bride of Frankenstein, yeah, yeah. So the Dark Souls games... I mean the doctor, not the monster,

Dr. Frankenstein and the bride of Frankenstein, Elizabeth. Anyway, continue, Stu. So the Dark Souls games... It was a pre-inquel before they made the monster. Stu, continue. So the Dark Souls games are famously difficult. They're role-playing games. They have, like, a semi-open world.

They're somewhat non-like, there's, like, they're not entirely linear, and they don't give you a lot of direction, a lot of the information, like, the background of the lore. You have to learn through, like, reading item descriptions and finding things in-game. I see what they're popular. There are games that kind of reward you for, like, exploring and diving deep and, like, dying over and over again because over time you'll get better at it.

Unlike the world where you just everything gets worse over time. And when you die the one time that's it. You don't get better. This is exactly

the sort of video game I hate. A big scrolling world. We have to read a lot of stuff and explore. You don't quite know what you're supposed to. As I get older, I really like video games

that are side scrollers where there's such limits on what your actions are that it's very clear and you don't have to use your brain except to like time villain movements, you know. But the thing that's

kind of fascinating about is there are also games where you don't really need to pay attention to the lore. You can just, like, make yourself the strongest guy and go bash things with a giant club, and you'll still get a satisfying experience out of it. But if you want to learn the lore, you have to do a lot of work in-game, or you have to track down, like, six-hour-long YouTube videos by very confident nerds. Or you can listen to a short podcast like this one. There's also an Eldon Ring manga that I'm

not entirely familiar with, but my understanding is it's like a weird parody joke comic, which is also very funny that this big sprawling serious role-playing game is supported by a weird goof comic. Okay. Now I like it.

So what is Elden Ring? Elden Ring is an open world video role-playing game. I just want to mention that Stuart's been talking for a while now and then he got to, so what is Eldon Ring? I had hoped that question had been answered already. It's a role-playing game where you, it's action adventure, you fight big bosses, you kill dudes, you get stronger over time, with the eventual goal of becoming Eldon Lord. To give you guys an idea of the Lord.

And what are the privileges of being Eldon Lord? What are the benefits? Why do you want to be Eldon Lord? It kind of depends on which version of the Eldon Ring, Rune, what master run you're going to use. I already regret asking. And when you heal the shattered Eldon Ring. I see. That'll determine what kind of age you usher in.

But we'll get to that later. Okay. So just to give you guys a snippet of the lore, the game begins with a very exciting cinematic, and we're going to watch that now, and we'll take a brief break listeners, and we'll come back. Okay, and we're back, guys.

We just watched the opening cinematic video of the Eldon Ring, and I feel that probably cleared everything up, but you might have a few questions. Thoughts, reactions? That didn't explain anything to me, and it was really long. At first, I was going to make fun of it. You said it was very cinematic, and it's

literally just panning across a bunch of sort of paintings. So are you saying that Ken Burns is not cinematic? I hear him, actually. But you know what? Ken Burns' his Eldon Ring documentary would be incredible.

I can't wait to see his 17 part Eldon Ring documentary yeah i gotta say i do actually i was thinking about it i do prefer that to like interminable cut scenes where people talk to one another honestly so i mean i'm sure there's plenty of those in the game right yeah uh not really no that's one of the things about the about the dark souls games they don't actually have that many little cutscenes or animated sequences yeah but i didn't the lore did not the lore was not illuminated for me so here's what i think so here's what i think i understand from it there's a there was a there's a thing called the Eldon Ring. It got broken

somehow. Bad happened and the queen disappeared. There's a place called the lands in between which you are either from or going to and the Eldon Ring is either from it or went to it. And there's these guys

have parts of it. There's a bunch of guys they mention the end who are either fellow champions or bosses you'll be up against or helpers on your quest. I mean they seem pretty evil Like one of them was like the dung master

Or something like that The Lonesome Dung Eater, yeah The Lose of Dung I see But you never know That could be like The Hero in the Fantasy novel Who goes from lowest to highest You know

Or as Spike Lee would have it Highest to Lowest Yep So let's I think it's time for us To take a deep dive And unpack this I will point out that

I actually I like this I'm worried that we're gonna try to dive deep And it will be that deep It'll be like It'll be like In the Bugs Money cartoons When he's got to dive

from a high platform into a glass of water. Yeah. I will say that I, this, I think this cinematic's very funny because it plays and introduces a lot of character names. Yeah. And a lot of those characters,

you don't meet until you've played the game for like 20 hours or something and you're like, you have long forgotten this opening cinematic, so it doesn't. Oh, gold mask. Oh, of course. Yeah, I've been ready for you. Yeah, I mean, running into an all-knowing gold mask

is pretty exciting. Now, the thing is that having played the game a couple times, I've only done two full playthroughs, put in about 200 hours, okay? I'm not going to go into my build, everybody. We're not going to worry about that, but I might talk about it. Ellie, do you want to, like, maybe shift

some of your making fun of me for my free time to Stewart at this point? I think I'll have to, yeah, at this point. Okay, let's put a few chips over there. That's about, what, eight or nine days straight of playing this game of just free time to wander out. Which I did straight, ignoring everything. in a pile of his own sick.

I was the lonesome dung eater in this case. I was literally saying to my, you know, it was my birthday recently and I went, my wife and I went at dinner. And at dinner, she was talking about a friend's coworker who has some hobby. And I was like, I wish, that'd be amazing to have the time for a hobby, like a thing you do that is not work related. That sounds amazing. 95% of L.A.'s complaints are user error. Elliot's choices in his life have slowed him like he's like.

To be fair, to be fair, the big current choice, I feel like I, you know, was based on false information. But I think, you're right, if the user error in that, in choosing my, my personal career and family structure. Over becoming Eldon Lord, yes. You fucked up, dog. I mean, nobody told me, you know, 12 years ago that the choice of the other choice is to be Eldon Lord. It's weird, too, because, yeah, I'm like super unsuccessful and don't get anything done in my, My days either. So, let's go on.

Okay. So, one thing I will also say. I mean, the difference I guess, do, is that when you die, that's just it. You just turn to dust, whereas I will have left a legacy of in chromosomes that will continue on, you know. For sure. Yeah, yeah, because this world's lasting a long time. Yeah, and you'll peer out from behind his eyes like the end of being John Malthovich. Similar.

When I, when I, when, when, I don't get into it. Just how often, just how often you get a hug from Eldon Ring. It's something that we can talk about, you know. Uh-huh. I mean, I'll also point out that our world is similar to the world's presenting in games. I apologize. It's more fun to make fun of Dan for his free time. Anyway. And similar to, our world is similar to Eldon Ring and the worlds of Dark Souls in that we exist in a empire that is decaying and crumbling, almost like a massive mausoleum in which we have to fight and scrape our way to survive. Is that a thing in Eldon Ring that you're in a massive mausoleum or is that just metaphor? The general design of everything almost feels like you're in a massive graveyard.

Ah, okay. So I will also point out that I actually really enjoy, you guys were, Dan was commenting on how slow the narrator reads. But I actually kind of love it. And this guy goes hard as hell in some of these, in some of the line deliveries. Like when he describes, you know, he says, arise, he tarnished. And when he's like, he mentions Sir Gideon off near the all-knowing. And I'm like, this dude just blasted in his pants. I have never wanted so much to have a jubin-parang two times speed.

No way, no way. Then you blasts extra fast. Here's my feeling about this. I love kind of like, I don't always love to read in depth or experience fantasy nonsense stuff, but I love fantasy the concepts of fantasy nonsense stuff. And if you're going to do it, you got to do it all out. You want a guy reading it. I think you did a great job.

You don't want somebody winking at you the whole time. You want somebody who's like, this is my fucking. The drama was fine. When you have to say, arise you tarnished, you want it to feel like, He's telling the Targish to Marizzi. You can have a bunch of drama at a normal speaking rate. I don't think you can. It's supposed to be epic and mythic.

Okay. They talked slower then. So let us get into the lore of Elgin. Dan, can you please share the screen so you guys can see the features in his PowerPoint I've drafted. Stewart has a PowerPoint that he's sharing. I will say I feel like I've learned maybe what, one half of one tenth of a percent of what there is to know about the Eldon brain? Oh boy. A drop in the bucket. Honestly, I will say before

I get into this, there is a good chance that somebody listening to this will be more of an expert and I will get things wrong. Please save any critiques to tell, I don't know, your mom or someone else, because I don't care about it. I'm doing my best here, folks. Yeah, I think, yeah, slideshow, perfect. And I can advance us. Okay, so here's our power, my PowerPoint. So you want to become the Eldon Lord. Who's who and what's what, and the lands between. What are the lands between? Elliot, you got to our first point.

The Lands Between, presented here. The Lands Between is the realm, the world that you explore. So this is a world that is kind of crumbling. You have evidence of fallen empires. It's like a kind of a classic medieval fantasy world that it has a lot of different types of environments. This is a world that you can explore as your character. and it's all looked over by

and by the way there's a lot of information here if you guys could just keep your questions for the end that'd be really helpful I'm sure that won't be hard for us yeah so the so Stan what's that tree that comes to our second point

Elliot the world is at all points you can see kind of central to the world is this massive glowing tree called the aired tree this is kind of like an embodiment of the greater will, I think is the term that they use. The greater will is kind of like a divine entity or divine feeling that exists kind of outside

of the world of the game. Okay, so what are the worlds between? So the lands between is an interesting name and that it's kind of, I don't really know what the lands between refers to. Obviously, somebody can chime in, but don't. It sounds cool. It sounds super cool. Cool name, but this is...

But like, is it between downtown and the arts district? Or, like, is it between, like, a big parking lot and like a state park? I think it does refer to the fact that it's physically between things. I think it's separated from other lands that are not touched on within the course of the game. Like, is it between the California Pizza Kitchen and the lens crafters at the mall? I think it's a slightly larger amount of space because this is actually a pretty sprawling game. It's like the non-alienes. in the fourth Indiana Jones

is the space between spaces. Yes, it's a lot like that. So that's the aired tree. Now, the air tree, you're probably one, you're like, you're talking about aired trees, lands between what's the, I sure am. What's the whole deal with the Eldon Ring?

So the Eldon Ring refers to long ago at a undesignated specific time. The only thing that worries me is that Stewart has not progressed from this slide to another slide this entire time, which makes me worry about the length of the I'm on the third note card.

So tell us about the Eldon Ring, yeah. So the Greater Will sent a, like a weird beast referred to as the Eldon Beast to the planet. Now, the lands between has often visited by creatures that come from like the stars and land in like meteors. And the Eldon Beast is one of those things. and upon arriving, it transformed to become the Eldon Ring, which actually I forgot to get a good image of, but you can see it if you look at the box art of the game. So this helps me a lot,

because every time you say Eldon Ring, and I apologize, this is just my frame reference. Oh, yeah, that's the, that's the... That's the urge. Every time I hear Eldon Ring, and this is just my frame reference, I think it's referring to Eldon, the character played by Robert Pastorelli on Murphy Brown,

the house painter, who was kind of sarcastic, and maybe they're so romantic, So it would be like one of his rings, sort of like a big like Ringo Star kind of like flashy ring. Yeah, exactly. Because Ringo Star was named after all the rings he had? I think he might have been, yeah. Because he was born with a handful of rings, and that's how he knew he was the right-born drummer of the Beatles. Yeah, well, I think that whoever gave, you know, the other Marks Brothers, their names also named Ringo.

That was, I believe, Art Fisher was the one who gave the Lange brothers their names. Okay, so the Eldon Ring is this kind of like golden run. Okay, it's got like prongs and rings and various shapes that kind of make it up. And those various runes that make up this greater run, the Eldon Ring, those form the basis of the laws of this universe, okay, as designated by the greater will. Now, the greater will, of course, they have elected a god. The god queen in this case is Queen America the Eternal. once a shaman queen raised up to godhood

anointed by the two fingers. Now, Queen Merica took the... Wait, the what? Oh, I'll get there in a second. Okay. Now, Queen America took the... I had two fingers for this.

And she manipulated... Now, Queen Merica is an important figure in the world of Eldon Ring because she was kind of the chief deity. The exact... But she... But she is absent in the game. You see statues of her.

Much like God in real life. Much like God in real life. Or Dan in real life, yeah. I'm about to leave. Now, Queen Merica took the, which does sound, I think, suspiciously a lot like somebody just saying America without the A.

Yeah, it does. I think that's a specific choice. It sounds like the way George W. Bush would say it. Yeah. Queen Merica took the Eldon Ring and she manipulated it, removing the ruin of death so that she, her demigod offspring

and other people within the lands between would not truly die and the repercussions will follow. Instead, they just stay in Congress forever. It is like America, yeah. So, as I said, America was anointed by the two fingers, which are represented in the world

by two massive fingers. Okay, hold on, you're moving a little too fast for you. It's kind of hard to see. The picture is sort of baffling. They're also, yeah, you can see dead versions of the two fingers. And they are fingers? They're like two giant moving fingers. Yeah, duh.

Who they belong to? So that's the thing. They belong to. They are an series of the greater will. They share the greater will with the rest of the world. However, they actually don't speak. So that has to be interpreted by finger reading crones and finger maidens who interpret what the fingers are saying.

Like that fan co-creator Bill? Finker? Yes. Now, unfortunately, the connection the fingers had to the greater will was severed long ago. So they don't actually, what they are saying may or may not be true. So even the fingers are kind of faking it until they make it. Yeah. In this universe, is finger licking good?

There's a shocking amount of finger-related stuff that happens in this game. It was originally called Finger Ring. They said, well, we can't name the game that. Again, in the game, Fingerwring. It's called Hardcore Finger Rings. It's called Eldon Ring. What do rings go on? That's right, fingers.

Oh, no, you're right, it all connects. Okay, so as... Belly buttons, noses, ears. Penises, even. Penises or squirrelals, yeah. As Marika was raised up to Godhood, she began... Let's hear it for Rings, everybody, and their versatile body placement. Good job, Rings.

You said fingers aren't enough for me. I got to see what else is out there, and you colonize the body. So as Queen Marica was raised up and began her golden order, that is her lineage of demigods. And she is, is she supposed to be seeking as a benevolent deity or a malevolent deity? Well, that's the thing. She's generally presented as a benevolent deity, but there are some who question how benevolent she really is. And when you look at her actions, as I will describe, you will see that perhaps maybe she's a little more complicated. Because everything you're describing sounds bad to me.

So she began her golden order, and in order to do that, she needed to conquer the rest of the world to make sure that they would fall into her age of order. And for that... Again, this is what the villain usually does. For that, she enlisted the aid of a barbarian chieftain Horaloo, who was a battle-thirsty maniac who was able to temper his battle lust by bonding with Sarosh, a white lion creature that for some reason

made him less bestial and violent. Because the white lion creature in the picture looks very violent looks ready to strike, yeah. It's a spectral too. But for some reason, it keeps him back. He's got this long, thick, braided beard and you know, then the heat of battle

that things getting filled with viscera and blood and, like, it would be so hard to clean. It seems disgusting. I think thematically, I think it would also make that perhaps Sorosch was kind of a vessel for him to pour his own battle lust. So he was able to separate that part of his soul into this kind of semi-separate creature. As in the classic comedy film, pardon my Sorash. So by bonding and becoming less of a battle monster, Horilu adopted the new name Godfrey.

Yep, it is a battle beast. And it looks like Battle Beast from Invincible. He changed his name to Godfrey, and he became the first consort of Queen America, and thus earned the title Eldon Lord, of course. He's the first Eldon Lord, yep. Okay. And they begat a line of demigod children, the first of which were twins, Morgot, and Mogue. And you can see, they look a little bit weird. They do have heads, but they're, like, covered in horns because they bear the curse of being omens.

Omens are people who have been born with this curse. They're inflicted with horns growing out of themselves. Amongst commoners, those horns might just be cut off. But amongst nobles, those children are ostracized, and in this case, hidden from the public and stuck in the subterranean shunning grounds. And when do you play the game? No, we're not there yet. Okay, so that's, that's Morgat and Moog. They also had, not pictured, they had a third child, Godfrey,

Godwin the Golden, okay? Who I think you heard mentioned in that opening cinematic. And they formed a family singing group. Now, they began a series of crusades to pacify the lands between and force them under the heel of this golden order. One of the chieftains, one of the leaders of this, was a fellow god Radagon presented here. That's what you used to get your rads away. I use it myself.

It works great. I mean, I 100% think that's an item in Fallout, Radagon. So Rattagon, interesting, this is going to be a spoiler. Again, a lot of this is going to be spoilers, but I feel like, again, it's not really going to affect your love of the game. So Rattagon was saying, how could you affect what isn't there? Radagon was a red-haired warrior prince And he's set to fight and defeat the A kingdom of sorcerers in Leernia

Led by a lineage and school of carrion sorcerers And so those are sorcerers that you don't eat at the restaurant You take them away the carrion sorcerers Exactly And they They fought to a standstill And of course they decided to broker a person peace with a marriage between Radagon and Queen Renala.

Now, interestingly, Radagon... Is this a mini? You're using that word loosely. Interestingly, Radagon is actually just another version of Queen America. Merica and Radagon are the same person, so it's kind of a weird thing. But it's not unlike, you know, typical mythology of God's changing genders and who they are, etc. sure but nobody else knows this this is a secret that radagon america are the same person reminds me the story when uh when tyreseus the blind prophet uh changed gender um and when tyrese

the male model became a blind prophet uh and uh was very active on twitter i remember there is a period where he was like being everybody's friend on twitter yeah there was that scene in uh in uh in uh epipus rex where he goes to tyrese for help in unraveling the mystery and terese gets in touch with him on twitter was like dog you don't want to understand you don't want to know this i'd Just leave it alone. Yeah. Leave it alone, Eddie. But by by brokering peace with a marriage,

they were able to bring Rinala's glintstone sorcery into the Golden Order, which is very important. And you're going to see, I'm going to show you an example of a glenstone sorcerer who have to wear these specialized masks. And I think you're going to recognize something that we're going to be talking about later when we talk about Zardaz. That's right. That's what they wear these helmets that kind of look like Zardaz heads.

Yeah, it's like a stone. like face with long curls and a beard, it does look like Zardaz. Kind of a sadder or cuter Zardaz though. Yeah, the Zardaz mask, that's because when we're recording this episode tonight, we'll be doing our Flop TV episode on Zardaz. We'll talk about more later if we ever get to the ad portion of this,

this very good regular length mini. But it does look like that. It looks like, yeah, sad kind of, it looks like Zardaz's brother who's like, ugh, why does Zardaz have to make such a big deal out of everything? Now, before we talk about the Linden that is bagat by Rattagon and Rinala. I think this is actually a really good...

I think right now is a perfect time for us to talk a little bit about our sponsors. So the flop-ass today is brought to you by Factor. That's right. We all need to eat, folks. I want to be... I'm glad. Let me change this. Oh, yeah, Stuart's all about long pig these days.

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A refreshing break from traditional holiday fair. So, Factor is a big deal. I know that Elliott's family is constantly fighting over who gets which factor meal. My wife, Charlene, is very bad at finding the time to have lunch and Factor provides something that I can easily give her and send her out the door with so she'll get some kind of nutrition in the middle of the day. So if you want to be like us and you want to eat smart, go to FactorMeals.com slash flop 50 off and use code flop 50 off to get

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that you usually eat in jam form. It's also a clothing company. And you know what? You're going to need, when it's cold outside, clothes. It's one of the top ways to keep your body warm. We were not blessed with fur the way that the animals were, so we had to add ourselves. Actually, I'm blessed with the closest thing you can get, which is a thick layer of semitic hair. Yeah.

Cold mornings and holiday plants. I also release, my body, my glands also release a grease that also traps the heat in and keeps the cold out. Yeah, yeah. Cold mornings and holiday plants, they both call for wardrobe that will, you know, Keep you looking sharp and keep you feeling good and keeping you warm. From Mongolian cash beer sweaters to Italian wool coats, quince pieces are crafted from premium materials and built to hold up without the luxury markup. As I said, going to the cold season, you might be into some outerwear.

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So get your wardrobe sorted and your gift list handled with Quince. Don't wait, go to quince.com slash flop for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada, too, that is Q-U-I-N-C-E.com slash flop. Free shipping and 365 day returns, quince.com slash flop. The flop house has a few things to announce of its own because the flop house is also brought to you by the flop house. We are recording this on Saturday, December 6th. So if you're listening to this live, have somehow tapping into our phone lines or internet connections, you will know that tonight we are having a flop TV. The first Saturday in every month through February is flop TV, the televised one-hour video version of the flop house.

Tonight we're talking about Zardaz. When this episode comes out, you can still watch that episode because if you buy a ticket, you get access to the recording of the show. And those recordings are going to stay up online through the end of February so you can watch them as many times as you want. this season it's a flopster piece theater that's right season three is when we're pulling out all the stops we are watching the greatest flops or the most legendary flops or the most talked about flops of each decade so well well not necessarily of each decade but you know what i'm talking about so for the 2000s that was represented in september by the adventures of pluto nash in october it was jack frost with michael keaton in november it was zanadu december it's zardaws and

then get ready in january it's going to be dr doolittle the rex harrison one the one that almost destroyed a studio, and then in February, plan nine from outer space, perhaps the most famous bad movie of them all, go to theflophouse.com to pick up tickets. Remember, it's the first Saturday of every month at 9 p.m. Eastern, 6 p.m. Pacific. If you can't watch during that time, you can watch the recording, like I said, at your leisure whenever you want, how many times is you want until the end of February. So that's Flop TV season three. This season, we're becoming more and more professional. It's really bonkers. We've got a lot more videos. We've got a lot more

presentation, presentational elements. I learned how to roller skate. Yeah, Stuart learned how to roller skate in the Xanadu episode. So it's really, it's becoming more and more like a real television show and I think you're going to enjoy it. That's theflophouse.sympletex.com. Now, if it's not enough for you

that you get to watch us on your computer or television screens, you want to see us in person and you live in the Bay Area of Northern California. Why, you're in luck. Because following up on our successful sold out, right? I think so. Shows in Chicago.

Yeah, I think so. We're doing another live show in January. We will be appearing live in person on Sunday, January 25th, in the afternoon. So you can still get a good bedtime afterwards at Cobb's Comedy Club. Once again, as part of San Francisco Sketch Fest. We have had so much fun at Cobbs for San Francisco Sketch Fest in the past. We're very excited to be coming back to do another show with them. Dan Stewart, is it okay if I announce what movie we're going to be talking about on this episode?

It's not only okay, I would encourage you to do so. Yeah, fuck it up. One of the movies we've been asked to do the most, I feel like, in my experience, talking to fans, that's right, on Sunday, January 25th at Cobb's Comedy Club as part of San Francisco Sketchfest, we will be talking about Master of Disguise, starring Dana Carvey as the titular Master of Disguise. It's the one where he looks like a big turtle man in one scene. If you don't know the movie, you know the turtle man scene. I think it's just one scene. I don't think it's the second half of the movie. I mean, if it had been the whole movie, this would be the most successful movie ever rather than a forgotten comedy.

You have to believe it. So that's Master of Disguise talked about by us on Sunday, January 25th in San Francisco live in person at Cobbs Comedy Club as part of San Francisco SketchFest. Thank you so much again, SketchFest for having us. Go to sFest.com and then just click on the schedule and tickets link. So you get tickets for us on January 25th Sunday at Cobbs. comedy club in 2026. And I also have two personal things I like to mention. I have, of course, my book. We got all the time in the world. How to Write Comedy and Other Nonsense. It's in bookstores now where you can buy it from a, you know, a website or something. But I advise you to go

your local independent bookstore and get it through them. It's how to write comedy, how I write it, how jokes work. I think I like it. I hope people like it too. And also, of course, Harley Quinn from DC Comics. I'm still writing that every month. Go to your local comic store. Say, make mine Harley Quinn, when Ellie Kalen's writing it. Yeah. If you like too many podcasts, you'll love Soundheap with John Luke Roberts. It's got clips from all your favorite podcasts, such as Diary of a Tiny CEO. Leonard Sprague, tell me how you make your money.

I go to the beach and I steal people's towels. Remember armor. I don't remember the trend of everyone whacking themselves on their head with hammers and mallets when they wanted to lose weight. And Elty John's Lobbly songs. I'm here today with Kiki D. Hello, Kiki D. Hello, Elton.

There's dozens of episodes to catch up on and brand new episodes going out right now. So, if you want far, far, far too many podcasts, then look for Soundheap on maximum fun. Boop, boop. Guys, should we go back to the fascinating, some would say almost too interesting world of Eldon Ring? travel through the fog and return to the lands between gentlemen.

So as I was talking, we are about to... Lands between gentlemen. We are about to get to the lineage. And these are some important figures. This is the lineage of Radagon and Ranala. Of course, their eldest child is Prejutor Ricard, presented here. Of course. A warrior, a lawmaker, a, you know, an important individual.

Their second child, even more important, that's right. Star Scourge Radon, a warrior without peer. The scourge of the stars. In fact, he is. He has gravitational power so vast that the stars stop spinning. The heavens, he holds the heavens in check out of fear. Now, wouldn't that really fuck up everything else around if he could have that kind of gravitational power?

It kind of does, yeah. But, yeah, so that's... It's a magic fantasy world. Who knows? Yeah, again, it's a myth. Consider this all a myth. So that's Star Scourge, Redan, and their youngest child... I'll consider it less than a myth.

I'll consider it the backstory for a video game. And their youngest child, of course. Lunar Princess Ronnie pictured here. Look at that hat. A mysterious figure with a really cool hat. That is so... That is, it's like an urban sombrero that's so big. It's a Megalopolis sombrero.

Yeah, that's like three. Farrel hats. Okay, so... That's the standard unit of hat measurement. So meanwhile, you know, it's not all just having kids. America is continuing

her crusades against the other peoples in the lands between and beyond. We're not, we haven't even started yet. So, of course, interestingly, some of the worst actions in these wars

happened in her home. Wait. That's right. The shadow realm, the lands that she comes from under the Skadu tree, which I think means shadow tree. I'm not sure. The Skadoo tree,

which is like a dark mirror of the aired tree. It sounds like a ragtime novelty hit under the Scadu tree. And she... I kissed you and what did we see? Sitting under the Skadu tree. That kind of stuff, yeah. So these crusades seem to be

to both hide the origins and how she attained her godhood, but also to subjugate the horn-sent people. And to do that, she enlisted the aid of her son. That's right, Mesmer. Messmer and his abyssal servant. I love Stuart's habit of saying, that's right.

We all know. We all know. There he is. And like all of her children, he bears a curse. One of his eyes doesn't work or something, and he's bound to an abyssal servant. Now, in this picture,

is he standing on a table that the drippy candles are on? Or is he, they put drippy candles on the floor? It's a table. No, that's on the table. But there's probably drippy candles on the floor, too. This picture is taken inside of Messmers at like the upper story. This photograph was taken at the upper story of his,

his like menagerie. He has this kind of amazing menagerie in his fortress in the shadow realm. Okay, so let's, and in addition during these crusades also, Marica sent Godfrey and his armies, her consort, her Eldon Lord, to a faraway land. And in doing so, she did to them,

what she did to many of her enemies, she stripped them of grace. So they no longer had the glow of the greater will. Why'd she do that? With the promise, well, that's a good question, Elliot. With the promise that upon dying for her in this conflict, they would return and their grace would be returned. So it's a motivator.

Yeah, exactly. But in doing so, it's her version of that we get a pizza party on Friday if we hit these sales figures, yeah. And these figures, this army, including her former consort, Godfrey, became the first of the tarnished people, people that were stripped of grace.

This is sort of like ASMR for me, because I just, I mean, in that, there's sort of noises. That's actually, this podcast. It is ASMR. It is a lot of people. It is a silly mythic retelling. So this, of course, left America without an Eldon Lord,

without a consort. So, of course, she had to marry Radd Rattagon herself, Rattagon had to absolve his marriage to Rinala, which she was not happy about. Of course not. And then Marica married Rattagon, and they had another line of children. In this case, the twins. Tell us about all of them. Melania, a swordswoman without peer.

However, she is cursed with a scarlet rock. Melania, yeah, kind of. That sword is too long. I'm just going to say it. We're all thinking it. That's how I feel when I fucking. fighter. It's less of a sword than a fishing pole. Yeah. Yeah. And

her twin Micola, the kindly one. Mikaela, whose curse is to always remain a child. I'm more familiar with Miquela light. Yeah. She seems to be radiating some kind of light. Mickla is a he in this case. Although, you know,

it's questionable. Micula is a child with golden hair and has the whereas his twin Melania is a swordswoman without peer. Mikala has the ability to make all those feel him to love him. And his ability to make people love him makes him in some ways the most terrifying of all.

Sure. Okay. So that is the twins. I feel like that is a, it is an indictment of the kind of person you expect to spend 200 hours playing a video game that they're like, what's the most dangerous thing of all? Love. I also want a note for the listeners at home

Ellie's disgusted love cackled creepily before Yeah, I didn't like that And when he suggested 200 hours playing a video game Too much So the stage is now set Another two big sword At some undesignated time

Lunar Princess Ronnie Stole shards of the Rune of death Handed them out to her assassins And they used that to kill Godwin the Golden, one of the children of America. And America, when realizing that all of her efforts to prevent death from infecting her children had come to naught, she, out of anger, she shattered the Eldon Ring. Oh, no, no.

And disappeared. And the Eldon Ring now shattered. Her offspring then fought over the shards to grab pieces of it so that they, they, they could have a little bit of divinity, a little bit of that power. And that led to a great war known as the Shattering, where demigod and sibling fought each other with their various armies, tearing the land to pieces. Pictured here we see, we see Melania, the Blade of Mickelah, battling Star Scourge Radon in the swamps of Aeonia.

And it is after, in the aftermath of this great war, that we enter the game as a tarnished champion. Finally. A champion, a tarnished of no renown and no background. Okay. Will this tarnished become Eldon Lord? We shall see. If you win the game. The world that you enter is a difficult one.

Lands like Limgrave. Are we? We're not done? Limgrave, where you begin the game, is your more traditional fantasy setting, and Stormvale Castle is your first major obstacle. In Stormvale, you have to defeat the least of America's descendants, the one, the least powerful, the smallest, of course,

Godrick the Grafted, a weak man who sought power by grafting. drafting limbs and body parts from other people to make him more powerful. Well, he can carry that big axe. That's made him stronger for that. Further on, we have Kalid, which bears the scars of Melania and Radon's battles, scarred by the scarlet rot residing within Melania that has poisoned the land and the people that live there, including Star Scourge Radon, who has been so horribly infected by the scarlet rot, that he now rides around on his,

it looks like dead horse that he continues support. It's this tiny horse that looks dead. It looks dead. It looks dead. That, well, that he like animates and keeps supported through his gravity powers. And he wanders the battlefields,

devouring the corpses of foe in front of one. Yes, go on. Support this horse through his gravity powers. Was it still that small? He was that big. It's a pretty cool horse. I mean, that horse was praying for death because he had to carry this enormous guy on his back.

And side note, this is one of the great boss fights in the game as fighting Starskertrude on. Of course, further on, in Mount Gelmere, where Prejutor Reichard fought the capital. It is now a corruption of his lofty ideals and is now, you know, is filled with funeral pyres and judgment poles and things like that.

Reichard himself? Kelly Reichard. Kelly Reichard himself. He's busy directing first cow, not part of the game. Has allowed himself to be devoured by the god-devouring serpent, thus becoming one with that serpent in an attempt to devour all the other gods and become the greatest of all. Pictured here, you can see he's like a weird snake man with a weird snake face.

He's like in the later dune books, you know. Yes, a lot like the later dune books. Now, Prater Reichard refers to himself as the Lord of Blasphemy. Further on, in Laundell the Capitol, it bears the scars of multiple sieges. I feel like that's the kind of thing somebody who throws really like really big parties would call himself in a moment of grandeur. I mean, certainly sounds like a fucking cool X-Men villain. Layndel the Capitol is in ruins, although there seems to be some kind of hidden force controlling everything, a veiled monarch, if you will. And stolen from his highling tree, Mickelah's cocoon is now missing, absconded by who.

But is that just his physical self because Michaela's spirit travels the shadow realm seeking some form of godhood. Go on. This is a coco because it looks like a big risotto ball. It does. It's a cocoon.

And you can see Micola's twisted little arm kind of sticking out of that. And the throne that looks like a human pelvis. It does look like a human pelvis. I mean, it makes sense. It makes sense when you, in the game. If ever you wanted to see a giant

risotto ball on a human pelvis in a kind of space acropolis. With a branch-looking arm sticking out of it. Sticking out, going with its fist raised, like, yeah. Now, having listed the foes that you are to fight, these demigods who bear the shards of the Eldon ring that you need to attain if you want to approach the air tree and declare yourself, Eldon Lord.

You have allies, that's right. A mysterious woman, a mysterious maiden named Malina, approaches you with designs of her own. So she's asking the question, have you heard of the Finger Maiden's? Which that seems like a website that... I've probably had a heart of the Tinkermaidens. Because you, a lowly tarnished of no renown,

began the game Maidenless. So you, she offers to serve the role of Finger Maiden as a tarnished champion is often accompanied by a Finger Maiden to guide them on their quest of grace. It sounds like someone who remembers that the handmaiden was based on Finger Smith and just like mixed it all up.

And in addition, there's a grouping of other tarnished champions who reside or meet in a place called the Roundtable Hold, a council of champions. A roundtable with like knights around it? Who would have thought of such a thing? And this is a place where the, of course, the other tarnished, they have a vow of peace where they will not fight each other. And all of them serve as either allies or inevitably in some form of, yeah, in some form of enemies. Most, there's betrayals and other exciting things. All of this is, all this leads into your quest to become the Eldon Lord. And depending on how, how you kind of deal with the various allies in your world, it will determine kind of what age, what, what runes you're going to use and what age you usher in upon ascending the throne.

it be an age of order or an age of dung-eaterness? Who knows? It's very exciting stuff. Now what would that entail, Stuart, an age of dung-eaterness? Well, the dung-eater is just trying to corrupt the entire world, so it's an age of corruption, so he ushers in an age where all children are born as horrible, twisted

omens with horns growing everywhere. And all children eat dung. In a way, the idea of the dung-eater's an interesting figure because he is easily the worst villain in the game, and you're like, is it just because he eats poop? Well, it's part of the idea is that in some Japanese mythology, the soul resides within the anus.

So what he's doing is he's literally corrupting the souls of his victims. If I was a soul, that's certainly where I'd hang out. That certainly seems like a prime position in the human body. Well, it's a safe place to hide because no one's looking in there, you know? Yeah, it's in the sub-basement, basically. So, guys, we have reached... It's like when they're in the Death Star and Star Wars, and they go to the trash compactor room to get out.

Yeah. So now that we've reached the end, of Stewart's lore wrap-up of Elden Ring. How do you guys feel? Are you guys excited about a movie adaptation? Does it make sense

for an easy movie adaptation? I completely forgot that we were talking about a movie adaptation. I mean, it might be the only way that I retain any of the stuff that was just told to me. You know, like my lifelong learning has continued today, Stuart, with you,

you know, presenting the seminar on a thing that I don't need. I don't need to know about it. I've already forgotten. I mean, but what do you need to know about, really? Well, there's certain things. And I'll say that putting together this little lore wrap up in PowerPoint made me want to play the game again.

I'll say this. I'm curious about the movie. Alex Garland is an interesting choice for something like this. It makes me wonder what the style or the focus will be of it. But it really does run the risk of doing what happens to a lot of fantasy stuff when it becomes adapted into films, which is that whatever is special about it that the fans like gets

drained. It reminds me of that dark tower movie that we watched years ago for the father's where I was like, now I want to read the dark tower books because I got to see what's in them that this movie didn't have. What kind of spark of inspiration or excitement or whatever, you know? I mean, Stuart,

I like Alex Garland more consistently than you, but I think if there is someone who maybe will keep the weirdness in and will make it up a priority to keep the weirdness in. It seems like it would be him perhaps. Yeah, I mean, certainly

annihilation while not a direct adaptation. Yeah, it's still very weird. And even men has let's say some weirdness to it. I think there's a my worry would be that it might lose a certain legibility.

I think that the part of this I think one of the things that is so successful about like, for instance, the Lord of the Rings movies. And the Little Ring's story is not as outwardly weird or bonkers in some ways, is how what an amazing job Peter Jackson does of keeping the audience focused on who are the heroes and what is their story and all the world building that happens around it is in service to that, you know, as opposed to later in the Hobbit movies where it feels like he kind of gets, he kind of gets sidetracked somewhat.

And I worry that a thing, a movie. movie of this will feel like a two and a half hour version of the presentation you just gave to a Stewart where it's a lot of names and a lot of references to things but there's not a lot of blood there, let's say. And this also suggests like a common

video game problem to me where like this is not true of all modern video games like there are some that like I think make the main character more of a distinct character but like a lot of them the main character is to some degree a void for you to project yourself onto and that's a problem then if you're making a

movie where you need a compelling center yeah well usually they just pick like a young apprentice or something or someone who doesn't fit in with the others and has to prove themselves let me just they go to one of those you know it's it's interesting because the like the central character is kind of a void you make some you obviously make some choices in it but it's not like you're having conversations you never hear the voice of your character you're never choosing conversation options. And you're, so it is like a thing where it's like, it feels, I use the term myth and obviously I'm not saying it has the same level of complexity of something like a,

of like Greek mythology or something. But the idea is that the story kind of like works more in that vein, which I don't know if it necessarily will work as a movie with like real stuff because it is like, It's not like, it doesn't feel like you're walking around a world that is, like, populated with, like, villages and people and stuff. Like, people have to live. Yeah. It's rather this feeling of, like, this is this hero's quest traveling through a ravaged world. And you're not worrying necessarily so much about the, like, nuts and bolts of, like, the how of it.

What's the economy of this place? Yeah. I mean, there's, and I feel like it works best. Is the trade federation angry about the taxation of outlying roots? But, like, I think it works best when you're dealing. with these like big ideas and like big uh like passions and personalities rather than like the nitty gritty of the realness of the world i guess yes i agree i think that i think there's a there's a there can be a mistaken apprehension that a world is all you need for a story

you know um and certainly i've had projects where they're always like world building we got to do the world building what's the world we're building and it's like you don't really to be honest you don't need to build that that much of the world so much as you need to build the characters and then you got to show what elements of the worlds are important to their story rather than spending a lot of time explaining junk you know and it's the um it feels like the a lot of times video games when they're adapted they're adapted the same way you try to adapt a book when really you want to do it the same way that they adapted like pirates the caribbean into a movie where they're like what's we got to

come up with a story that fits into this world of pirates and they were like and the and the smartest thing they did with that was the two things of, as much as Johnny Depp is a problematic figure, that they were like, let's let Johnny Depp's character be a funny figure, like a charismatic funny figure, rather than a kind of bland hero and not necessarily make him the center of it. But also, let's add like skeletons and ghosts into it, which is not part of the original Pirates of Caribbean ride. And so it's a, I wonder, maybe Alex Scarlin is the type of person where they can be like, okay, well, here's the world of Eldon Ring. Now what am I going to introduce in it that is an interesting story or that

makes use of that world to connect with an audience as opposed to like I feel like there's a like there was that World of Warcraft movie from years ago where it was like

do we we did that I don't know we talked about it for a long time we never did it but where it was like what I've seen of it it's like oh okay like there's just not it's just not really interesting stuff going on but you know

or like the um what they did the opposite of what they did with the Minecraft movie where there's a version of the Minecraft movie that is a serious movie about the Minecraft world and I think they understood they're like

there's no story here like there's nothing going on here let's just do like a goofy crazy thing and I remember I talked to somebody I work with and they were like ugh they just had Jack Black do whatever he wanted and be silly and I was like

yeah that was the exact right exact right move because there's nothing there otherwise you know it's bringing these people in and don't take it seriously so maybe the Aldenry movie will be really funny I don't know maybe they just won't take

it'll be like a holy grail type thing you know and now that and now that Dan Dan was just showing off his new fancy mouse. I think he's ready to play some fucking Eldering here. Let's fire it up, Dan. Let's download that. Don't forget to also buy the DLC

I guess there goes the rest of the day before flop TV. What's a DLC? It's going to be at least eight days. So this has been a flop house mini. Thank you so much for listening to me spout nonsense that I spent way too much time both playing and researching.

God bless you, sir. Yeah. This has been really fun. I like getting to share silly stuff that I think is cool with my friends. We are part of the Maximum Fun Podcast Network, and there's a lot of other silly fun shows on there, so you could check them out and support them. This show has been lovingly edited and listened to multiple times, I'm sure, by Alex Smith, our producer, who is known as Howold Dottie on the Internet.

He makes music. He does all kinds of great stuff. H hangs out with a possum. H hangs out with a possum. He is an avid twitcher, I think that's the term. So you should go check out. Everett Wichard Wiching. Oh, he wishes.

He does not have the ponytail for that, sir. So for the Flop House, I have been Stuart Wellington. I've been Dan McCoy. I've been Elliot Kaelin and I can't wait to have the 200 hours to play Eldant Ring. Uh-huh, you should. Bye. Maximum Fun. A worker-owned network.

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