The Flop House - FH Mini 30 - The Sleuth About Cats and Dogs

Episode Date: May 29, 2021

In honor of Housebroken, the TV show that's kindly employed Mr. Elliott Kalan for part of this lousy quarantine (premiering 5/31 on Fox), Elliott quizzes the others about their preferences, to determine Dan and Stu's perfect pop culture pets

Hey everybody and welcome to another flop house mini. That's when we, the guys at the flop house podcast, take a break from talking about a bad movie we just saw it to talk about, you know, whatever. I don't know. Something that will fill the time you desperately need to fill between birth and death when audio will no longer be one of your worries anymore. I'm Elliot Kalin and with me are my co-hosts? Dan McCoy. And over here, it's Stuart Willington, no jokes. This is getting Graham right off the bat.

And it's like, less grim from there. Because guys, I've got some exciting news to talk about. Another thing that you can use to fill the space between birth and death as we almost, trying to find ways to just, you know, fill this time until we finally get to return back to the world's soul. Anyway, this episode is going to be released on Saturday, the 29th of May. And that means, if you're listening to it on the day of release, there's only two days until Monday, May 31st, and the premiere of House Broken, the new Fox animated comedy that I worked on all through 2020.

It's a really funny show. I really enjoyed working on it. And I think it's going to come out great. It's the story of Honey, a poodle who runs a support group for neurotic pets that's neurotic as in psychological, you know, not neurotic pets, although it is. Out. Nope, Dan, there's a, I will tell you, in case you ever wanted to watch a show

with a horny elderly turtle, this is the show for you. I do, back in. Wait. Is, is neurotic mean that they have, they upload information into hard drives that are built into their brains? No, they both have the root word, neuro relating to the brain,

but no, you're thinking we're of a, a Johnny Petnomic, which would be Oh, okay. A pet who can carry data in his brain in a dystopian future. Well, everything's kind of grimy and there's like rebels and it's Dolph Lundredgen right who's like some kind of cyborg priest that they send after. He is a cyborg priest, he has a killer priest. Anyway, there's no cyborg priest in House Broken.

There is an episode with a cyborg moment though. But anyway, let me finish that. It's a really funny show. It's an amazing cast, Lisa Kudrow. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, Dan, was this a question about Johnny and the Monty? Yeah, what? Please let me finish the cast,

and then we'll talk about Johnny and the Monty. Because there's a dolphin in it. There's a pet. He's not really a pet, he's a co-worker. That dolphin is a colleague and a co-worker. He works with Henry Rollins as part of the resistance. I don't remember what they're resisting to, but it's something.

Anyway. Tikeshigatano. Tikeshigatano, what is he represent? I guess, you know, there's worse worlds than ones where you got a, we're joined by Tikeshigatano. Anyway, or beat Tikeshig, I guess you call him. So it's got an amazing cast, Lisa Kudrow, Will Forte, Academy Award winner, Nat Faxon, Sam Richardson, Cleodavall,

Sharon Horrigan, Tony Hale, and of course, Flop House rival Jason Manzoukis is also on this show. It's a really funny show. I really enjoyed working on it. I would love Flop House listeners to give it a try so that it gets good ratings and I can work on more seasons of it. So that's House Broken, this May 31st and then every Monday after that until they run out of episodes on the Fox Channel Checker local listings for the number of the channel. So I figured, okay, I'm promoting a show about pets. What better way to promote a show about pets than to do a flop house mini About the subject of pets. Now, Dan and Sue, you both have various combinations of cats. Meanwhile at my house I have a fish, a bag of worms and two children.

So, we all have pets. And I was just wondering, are these the right pets for you guys? What if you could choose from all the pets of film and fictional culture? Well, we're gonna find out. Cause I'm gonna match you up with the correct fictional pets based on your answers to this original quizlet Housebroken presents what fictional pet is right for you brought to you by housebroken Monday nights on Fox

Wow guys how do you feel? First you know when you said you mind if we do this you like I didn't realize that there's such a branded piece of content We're all about branded content and branded branded segments Okay, well, that's fine. So Dan, so before we start the quiz, I just want to ask you guys, are you, do you feel happy with your current pet situation? Is it possible that you are looking for a different pet situation to enter into? I mean, I wouldn't want to get

red of either of our pets, but by any means, we love them both dearly. You said you wouldn't want to get read by either of your pets. I would want to run on glasses and then talk shit about you. Yeah, you would want them to read your palms, like their psychic pets. That sounds amazing. Yeah, I would. It's a shake my hand and tell me that the ice is going to break.

Why should I would want them to do that? Could we get a psychic pet in there? Is that one of the options? It is. Like a dead zone pet? I mean, we'll find out. I don't remember seeing any movies with psychic pets. This is gonna be based on pre-existing fictional IP.

What about that dog? What about that dog? And the Guardian's the Galaxy comic book. Cosmo, I mean, he's telepathic. I don't know if he's psychic. He can't see the future. True. True, there's a distinction.

Yes. So, Dan, so you see, I love my pets as they are, but I'm open to anything. I, you know, life is a process of learning, you know, so it's true. I guess you wouldn't call Professor Exas psychic because if he was psychic, like he would,

the X-Men get into so much trouble, you would think you'd get him out of that, right? Exactly, you'd think he would like to see it ahead of time. Yet there's only one psychic I can think of in the X-Men mythos that's destiny. Mystique's former lover and a fellow member of Freedom Force and the Brother of the Immune. And she wears a mask. She wears a mask to hide the fact that she is an elderly lady and that Mystique and her seem to be an age mismatch, even though it's really that Mystique can control the way she looks.

So she's just as old as Destiny, maybe older. And so, and sometimes Destiny will turn on the radio. But anyway, Dan, so that's your feelings. Stuart, how do you feel about pets? Well, I mean, I feel like I always wanna keep my options open, you know? Mm-hmm. You're like, I don't wanna be tied down.

Wait, let me double check the door. So, so there's the, I don't see a mouse in the mebowl watching our answer. So to put that in terms that Gen Z will understand, you know that meme where the guy is with a woman and he is checking out and other woman who's walking by and the woman he's with is like, what? So the guy is labeled steward and the woman he's with is labeled steward's cats and then the other woman that's called by this checking out is labeled other pets. Yep, yeah, women in the red dress is labeled other pets. Yeah, yeah. A woman in the red dress is other possible pets, yeah.

Yeah, exactly. So guys, let's start these questions. Okay, there are four rounds of questions. And in the middle, we have an ad break. But, well, so we'll start with the first round, dog questions. Now, these are questions, these are multiple choice questions. If you choose to go off of the multiple choices, that's okay. I want you to use your real thinking so that I can figure out what pets are right for

you based on how you respond to specific pet situations. So this round is dog questions. Question one, you're a basketball referee. Suddenly, one of the opposing teams brings a dog onto the court to play. Do you say, no barking way send that dog back to the showers only humans play human sports? B, yes barking way allow the dog to play. After all, there's nothing against it in the rule book or C, what the bark you pull out your flask say never again and then toss it over your shoulder. So how do you guys feel? What are you doing that situation? Oh, wow. Oh, man. And this is a situation where I can put my finger in the page

and read the possible futures and then go back if I don't like them. Let's not choose your own adventure book. It's a quiz. Remember, there's no... When I was in school, I tried that and they let me do it. Well, I don't know what... I mean, that's because you went to choose your own grade school So now again, there's no wrong answers. This is just to help me pinpoint what is the best fictional pet situation for you? Yeah, so here's I can only I should have mentioned actually I should have asked are either of you do you either already have fictional pets or you're either your pets fictional or the real animals? I mean they've been peeing all over the place lately, so I think they're real.

I assume that they're real. If it pees, it must be real unless it's a fictional character that pees like one of the bad guys in Robocop, right before they shoot up Robocop's arms off. Anyway, don't they walk in on one of them and he's peeing? I think probably. Okay. That's why that's why he shoots at other guys dick off. Exactly. Yeah. And that's why the shoots that other guy's dick off. Exactly.

That's why the original slogan was just that guy in the poster and said he really puts the pee and Robo Cup. Oh, yeah. And they're quotes around the pee and the in Robo Cup. So Dan, you're saying, okay, it's the best hip hop ever in the situation. It's hard for that poster, right? Yeah. But they showed them.

It was one of many Paul Verhoeven's losing pedals. He also wanted Robo Cup to have a realistic urinary tract that he he would have to unload and there were a lot of scenes that were shot. You can find them on the Criterion laser disc where it's the same scene but it ends with RoboCup saying good because now I really got a pee. So Dan, you're in a referee. It's a basketball game. We got a lot of these questions. Let's not take so much time answering please. I don't think I've been the one talking here. So my thinking is this, I would not know the rules to basketball, right? So I am, I am a poor choice for basketball. I'm a pro referee. So you're choosing D. None of the above I would not be in this situation.

Look, I know they're all hypotheticals. D. I refuse to buy into. None of the above. I would not be in this situation. I know. Look, I know they're all hypotheticals. D, I refuse to buy into the premise of the question. Oh, well, I know they're all hypotheticals, but if we're trying to get closest to, you know, what's right for me, I have to play the game as if I'm involved in these hypotheticals. So what I'm saying is, if I'm in this situation, I'm probably trying

to hide out in the guise of a referee. You know, there's been some sort of shenanigans where I have to pretend to be a referee. You're on the run from something. Yeah. Number one, I would be very beholden to the rule book in that situation, since I have no idea what the real rules are, you know, just from my life. Yeah, maybe knocked out the original referee, put on the referee's clothes, and you're using that as an opportunity

to get close to a potential target. Exactly. Maybe it's the dog, maybe it's another player, who knows? Exactly. And also, I feel like in the situation, I would be interested in creating as much chaos as possible, so I could, you know, facilitate my escape. So I'm going to let that dog play.

You're going to let, okay, so be yes, barking way. Okay, Stewart, what about you? Would you let the dog player know? I mean, I would, uh, I would scramble to get my cell phone out of my back pocket. I'd be like, holy shit, look at that good boy. Good boiler and everybody. And then I'd run over and take a picture and then I'd start petting it and then let it lick my face. Okay, it doesn't, again, doesn't answer the question, but it's an accurate description of what you do in the situation. Okay, so let's move on to the next question.

A meat old lady wants to make a coat out of your pet dogs. Do you say, A, no barking way. Nobody wears my pets, not even Emma Stone who grows up to be Glenn Close. B, yes barking way. I could easily lose two or three dozen puppies and not notice it. Or C, what the bark? Who's she gonna sell a Dalmatian coat to? So what do you do?

Pop quiz hot shot, except it's not a pop quiz. I announced it, you knew I was doing a quiz ahead of time. What are you gonna do? I mean, I think in spirit, I'm in closest, I'm obviously closest to the first one because it would be very upsetting to me, the idea that she wanted to take my puppies. But I think that maybe emphasizing to her that it's a bad business model

could be the most effective thing. Since she is evil, I think, that an appeal to cold monetary facts might be best. Now it's possible she wants this code for personal use. No, that's true. I mean, I think she is the most wanted person. Yeah, she's been totally joker-fied at this point, right? She has been totally, that's what the doctor said. Logic doesn't matter.

Logic doesn't matter. I gotta go with A, I gotta go with A. Okay, no barking way. Stuart, you're gonna give up these dogs. Yeah, there's no barking way. Okay, I figured neither you would give up those dogs. Come on, why would you? So, okay, let's move on to the next question.

Number three, you find, again, we're still in the dogs round. You find out that at night, your dog turns into a district attorney. Do you say, A, no barking way. No pet of mine will be taking part in a justice system riddled with institutional racism. B, yes barking way. I admire that my dog has the drives not only get a law degree,

but also run for elected office. Or C, what the bark? How is my dog more successful than I am? How do you guys feel in that situation? I mean, I'm not surprised that my dog would be more successful than I am because I'm kind of dull. And lazy. I think it's more the drive that gets the dog there. Yeah. The dog's not that smart, but you know, he's got the stick to it if this. That's true. Has there ever been there's got to be a movie called law school dog or a dog like tries

to get the dean is like, hmm, this dog is never going to graduate from law school, but he really works his way through. Yeah, yeah. The newspaper chase, because he's chasing another paper boy chase. That's what we call the paper boy chase. Because he is the paper boy. That's me. That's a fucking reach, buddy.

All right. Okay. Fair. I guess I'll call up legendary and tell them on canceling the pitch meeting tomorrow. I'm gonna order a legendary would be a great name for the movie by the way. I'm gonna order off menu and I'm gonna say that like I feel like a dog with a lot of degree would be a lot more useful as sort of a, I mean, not useful. Obviously, you know, no, not obviously. Anyway. I love that you've rejected every single set and starter that has come your way. I can't wait because whenever that set and it really starts going, it's

going to have a tag on it says, it's expected by Dan. And I'm gonna know that it was probably looked at and approved. No, I'm gonna say, I think that like, I personally, if I had a legal dog, I would... A legal beagle, yeah. A legal beagle, I would say. A legal beagle, I would say. Is it simply the name of the movie, Stu, legal beagle? Mm, I liked legendary before, but legal. How about legendary colon legal

people? I mean, legendary is just a production company, but okay. I would be more interested in sort of selling this dog of mine's life rights. You know, because the story seems so. You just a natural for the movies, but that's that's my concern my concern. I mean this question based on a movie. Yeah, exactly Okay, well say yes Am I allowed to answer? The quiz to eat its own tail like an aerobarose, but okay, Stewart. Yes, you would say yes barking way. Did you say or Rover boasts? I didn't, but I let's doggy to get some

today. Oh, wow, we're roast. That's worse than mine. I would say yes, barking way, I think the best place for my dog is to dismantle the system from inside the system. Oh, wow, okay, sure. I don't know. Okay, he made a good argument. We stayed up late. I mean, we. Okay, man. He made a good argument. We stayed up late. I mean, we had a couple of beers. We were chatting.

And at first I was against it, but he talked me into it. And you know what, I'm just happy he's passionate about something. Well, okay, that's fair. That's fair. And I'm hoping to see what changes this dog can bring to our fractured system.

Guys were almost done with the dog round. There's only one left. Okay, some badass assassins kill your dog. Do you use your long hidden fighting skills to go on a highly stylized revenge spree? A, no barking way. What was my dog doing getting mixed up with badass assassins anyway?

He brought it on himself. B, yes barking way. This could revitalize my somewhat flagging career. C, what the bark? There's a hotel for assassins and a hotel for dogs. Why so many specialized hotels? Mmm. So, what are you gonna do?

Uh, I'm gonna say C. I think it is more likely that I personally would make sort of a mild comic observation about these hotels then to fight my way through any sort of, you know, like a group of thugs in like a boss level. Okay.

That's a thing. I think I would have to say, I would go on the revenge spree. I mean, I've been curating this late 90s hard rock mix that I've been planning to play if I ever have to go on this like male revenge fantasy bullshit where it's like, I got puddle mud in there, I got some jar of flies, Alice and chains in there, like a little bit of

contemplative, a little bit serious, you know, it's gonna be pretty intense. I got a couple of different outfits already picked out. Some mom jeans picked out in case I need to be able to do a kicker too. Something that gives me a little bit of a range of mobility, nothing too tight. You know, some boots and maybe like a Wilson's leather jacket. So people know I mean fucking business. Yep, sure.

Okay, well that's a yes barking way. And Dan, your answer is effectively a no barking way. Okay, well that, so that's a yes barking way. And Dan, your answer is effectively a no barking way. Okay, so yeah. I said wrap around shades, right? So I'm gonna wear a wrap around shades. Yeah, I know. Also, just so everybody knows that I mean business. Are they wrap around shades?

Yeah, business was the only word I can remember. What you say? Everyone knows you mean boss-nass. That's what you're gonna be. remember what you say. Everyone knows you mean bossnass. That's what you're gonna be. So, what wrap round shapes are the little, the little like thin ones like Cyclops's visor that like futuristic punks wear in the movies or is it like the big, clunky ones that old people wear over their other classes?

Like the, no, not like blue blockers, but like the kind of like, the kind of glass that every bald guy wears and they're like avatar pick when there's like making some like shitty comments on Twitter. You know what I mean? I, I, yes. You know, like they took a picture of them, they took a selfie in their truck with their wrap round shades and go T. This is a very specific guy. Okay, speaking of specific guys, you're two specific guys, we're about to take on a round

two. That's right. Cat questions. Okay, speaking of specific guys, you're two specific guys, we're about to take on a round two. That's right. Cat questions. Okay, meow meow meow meow meow meow meow. It's cat time. Okay. Wow. First cat question. You discover that your cat is inhabited by the soul of Kevin Spacey. Do you say, hey, no purring way. That guy's a creep. Be, yes, purring way. He can do less damage inside a cat's body. Seeing what the per, the pet store told me this cat had the soul of Burgess Meredith so which which what's your reaction to it? God damn it I guess I trapped Kevin Spacey in the cat. I don't know man. No, he's already in the cat Dan Done

Well, okay, you know essentially you're like all those European explorers who are like I discovered the Pacific Ocean It's like it's just there dude someone was like a friend then your option to falls apart because There's like him simply being in the cat Does not mean that I need to buy him like I'm happy about it in number two like I don't understand you already bottom It's I guess you're right. You're not, you're gonna keep them in there, rather than trapping them in there, you're gonna keep them in there, rather than game out.

Yeah, I'll keep them in there. I just don't want you to take credit for something that's already happened. He's serving soft in a cat. I have, so I think my response, hopefully doesn't answer or anticipate a future question. But what I will do is of course, I will pretend that I'm an old man in the wheelchair and I will hire Buster Pointexter to be a hitman to kill my cat. Now unfortunately that cat is going to kill him and then kill me.

But you know what, at least when I get to the pearly gates I can say I try do you know? Yeah, by the way that segment star a character actor William Hickey That's me. Yeah William Hickey also the name of our mutual friends tourists my mutual friend from college But the reason we know one another Yeah, absolutely the reason we know each other. Yeah Wow, okay, that was, I mean, I'm glad thanks for keeping on the subject of pets, Dan. Okay, so-

And, and he listens to the show sometimes, probably annoyed that he has to listen to us idiots talk about- Hi, but hi, Bell. Dumb crap. Yeah. So, let's get on to the next question, guys. That was as illuminating as it was in Spanish. You don't-

You don't want us to talk about other people we know from college. I'm not unless they're pissed. His name is William Hickey like the actor, the famous actor. That's he. Dang it's partial points. I get no points because I added nothing. Yeah, I mean, you really went off book on that one for sure. You were okay.

So next question. You've just set your spaceship to self-destruct and kill the alien terrorizing you when you realize you forgot the ship's cat. Do you go back for it, A, no purring way? I just wanna strip down to my underpants, freeze myself, and get ready for the next movie. B, yes, purring way. Even though that cat led Harry Dean

standing into a trap, I still love it. C, what the per? How did cat pass astronaut training in the first place? Mmm, I'm going back for that cat. I can't help it. Mmm-hmm. Maybe it's just one last chance to get my head cracked open

like an egg by Zena Morph, but you know, I'm going back for that cat. Yeah, I think stewards, you know, I don't want to cast this version, I think his opinion might be biased by the knowledge of having seen the film alien and knowing that the cat mission does not impede his further survival. If I was in that situation, I have to admit, as much as I adore cats, I probably would get in and blast off. Yeah. You would make sure down to those space undies. Yeah. Yeah. He just want to show your show your butt to the camera and just get in that crowd tube and go away. I mean, I'd probably do the same thing to be honest. But what if it was a famous cat? What if it was

Sylvester the cat? I don't know. He's got so much to give. What if it was Heathcliff? Or he, yeah, well, I mean, Heathcliff, he's no good terrorizing the neighborhood. He probably got the Zenomorph onto the ship in the first place. And so, actually, you guys, this is a side, this is now we're gonna get to Ellie Kalen's fictional monster philosophy corner.

Have we ever talked about Zenomorph's paradox? That's the philosophical construct in which the second mouth inside of the Xenomura's mouth never reaches Harry Dean's stand in far head because it always has half the previous distance to cover and some infinitely Regressive amount of space and it never actually reaches it. So Harry Dean's stand is just left there looking shocked as water Drips off of chains in a spaceship for some reason because what is that room all about it makes no sense? Yeah or drips off of chains in a spaceship for some reason, because what is that room all about? It makes no sense. Yeah, yeah.

I made a Zina's paradise joke the other day, Elliott. So we're two nerds in a pod. Mm-hmm. And the woman you were talking to was like, sir, this is a burger cake. What are you guys? Ha-ha-ha. Which of the Paw Patrol figures do you want?

Just go. Okay, guys, there's another question to Cat category. It goes like this. Some kind of weird cat creature moves in next door and invites you to get on a bus. That's also a cat. Do you join him? A, no perring way. That bus is just trying to eat me. The same way all pet cats are constantly planning how to kill and eat their owners.

B, yes perring way. I've always wanted to be eaten by a cat. C, what the per, even in this children's fantasy, we're taking public transportation. So guys, what's your reaction? You're going to get on that cat bus? I mean, I feel like the fantasy is that public transportation is always the ideal choice, right? I mean, that's the reality.

I don't know if that's the fantasy, but the fantasy would be a world where public transportation is not the best choice's the reality. I don't know if that's the fantasy, but the fantasy would be a world where public transportation is not the best choice for the planet. I guess I think I've had too many drinks to totally make this argument. The okay, the plan is you're getting, are you getting on that bus? That's a good point. Yeah, of course I'm getting on that bus. Yeah, I'm going to get eaten in the process, but that's a pretty cute bus. It is, but before you met, I also just want to mention, you may think that the Spike Lee

movie Get On The Bus was about getting on the cat bus from my neighbor, Totoro, and I want to make sure you know that it was not. It was actually about a different subject entirely, and a different bus. In case that was swaying you. I want to get on the bus. Get on the bus, because, you know, I got, you know, I've been waiting my whole life for an opportunity to go to a magical land. And here it is. And what, and this is an extra credit question, what do you do when you get to that magical

land? What's the first thing you're going to do? Oh boy, like are there any stores there or like, I'm talking to them. So the stuff you could do normally, you're like, well, I do have to get an extension for you in a whole punch. So you're supposed to pick that up. You're getting giraffe gives me the taco or something. Yeah, I mean, there's stores like, there's places you can window shop,

but you don't have to buy stores that have like silly stuff in the window where you're like, is that a painting of all the actors who played the choker just like hanging out playing cards? Why would I buy? Who buys this? But it's available. Wait, is that a real painting? I mean, I think it's also something like that in Key West.

It's gotta be. But you see anyone's cards, they've got all got jokers in their hands, right? Yeah. Of course. There's like, there's the paintings that you can get in, I mean, anywhere, but they're in Washington, D.C. where it's there's the painting of all the Democratic presidents sitting around having a good time and the one of all the Republican presidents sitting around having a good time and Lincoln's back his to the viewer in the Republican one because you know, he's like this. I do not like these people. What am I doing here?

This is like he's like I know I might get blasted for doing this by an assassin, but I'm gonna do it anyway because I don't like these guys. Anyway, enough politics. We got another cat question. Okay, so you learn this the last question in the cat category. So get ready. This is for the rest of the cat points. You learn that at night your pet cats give themselves goofy names and sing ridiculous songs about themselves and their goofy names. Do you approve? A,

yes, purring way. This is amazing. B, yes, purring way. Are you kidding me? C, what the purr, how can I not be into this? It's a bunch of cats singing their heart side about how they're fat and live on trains. I guess I railroad you a little bit, no pun intended. But what's your answer on this one? I mean, my answer on this one is I bought the blue ray for cats. So, what are the special features on that shit? You know, I really should dig into them because they've got to be amazing, right? Like, I haven't looked at it.

I'd like to believe that there is a commentary track featuring Ian McCallan, where that's mostly him just going like, this is what we were making. What? Is that what I look like? Hold on. They didn't tell me about this. They didn't just, oh no. Oh no.

Oh no. No, no, no, no. What size are we? Somewhere between science and superstition, there is a podcast. Oh! Oh! Look, your daughter doesn't say she's a demon. She says she's the devil himself. That thing is not my daughter.

And I want you to tell me there's a show where the hosts don't just report on French science spirituality, but take part themselves! Well, there is, and it's Ono Ross and Carrie on Maximum Fun. This year, we actually became certified exorcists. So, yes, Carrie and I can help your daughter. Or we can just talk about it on the show. Ono Ross and Carrie on MaximumFun.org. I'm Judge John Hodgman.

And I'm Bailiff Jesse Thornt. Ten years ago, I came on Jordan Jesse Goe and judged my first dispute. Is Chile a suit? It's a stew, obviously. The judge has dispensed a decade of justice. He's the one person wise enough to answer the really important questions. Like, should you hire a mime to perform at your own funeral?

After they cry, I want them to laugh. Do you really need a tank full of jellyfish in your den? They smell like living creatures decaying. Only if they are decaying. Yeah, which they will be. Real people, real justice, real comedy. Winner of the Webby Award for Best Comedy Podcast. The Judge John Hodgman podcast every Wednesday

on MaximumFun.org. Okay, guys, while I tally up the points for those first two rounds, before we get to the next one rounds, we've got a sponsor spot. That's right, this show is not just sponsored by television shows that I work for that I'm trying to promote. We have actual sponsors who want to tell you about their actual products.

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It's dedicated to being the world's best royalty free stock media subscription service. That's right, royalty free and the library is always growing. There's already over 1 million high quality stock assets including 4K HD footage, so it's going to look as good as possible. You've got After Effects and Premiere Pro templates, there's music, there's images, there's sound effects, there's more. You can put a whole video together just using your Storyblocks elements. They've got an affordable

subscription plan and affordable tools, and with the Storyblocks Unlimited All Access plan, it sounds so good. You can get unlimited downloads of everything in their library that you get to keep. Even if your subscription ends, you don't have to give it back. You downloaded it. It's yours. Do what you will with it. Do what you will is the whole of the law for both the Church of Thalamah and also Storyblocks. And as a part of their ongoing re-stock initiative, Storyblocks has released a new round of collections queer spaces and faces created by some really incredible LGBTQ plus creators that will feature the layered experience of the LGBTQ plus community. So yeah, we've talked about story blocks before anyone who watched our Teen Wolf live show knows that Dan did great great work using the story blocks footage to make a music video about how he had to pee. There were lots of great shots of waterfalls, people dancing in water. There was a clown

face for some reason. That was the part where it sort of just sort of devolved into just random stuff. And Dan, correct me if I'm wrong, but you had a real easy experience working with story blocks. No, it was a delight. It was so easy to find the sorts of things I was looking for, download them. They all looked... Honestly, they all looked so sharp that it kind of put it in a sharp relief, the lack of professionalism of the rest of the show, but... Yeah, yeah.

But, you know, that's a good problem to have. It is... So we give three blocks our highest flop sponsor recommendation. Just go to their library and explore it and subscribe today at story blocks dot com slash flop. And that's story blocks dot com slash flop. Okay, guys, I hope that was restful for you to hear about how great story blocks is because we're on to the next round of the quiz Get ready because you've heard about cats you've heard about dogs you've heard about the thin line between cats and dogs

And the truth about cats and dogs. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, that's what it is But this is round three pets that are not cats and dogs. Uh-oh This is a short category. Okay, so let's start with this one. You were so much more ground though. That's true. That's true. Well, most of the movies about pets are about cats or dogs. It's, yeah, I mean, I was not able to think of a Pete's dragon question. So that's one right off the bat that we're not going to get into. Okay, you're a hockey ref. Suddenly, one of the opposing teams brings a chimp onto the ring to play. Do you say, A, no chimping way, send that chimp back to the showers, only humans play

human sports. B, yes, chimping way, allow the chimp to play. After all, there's nothing against it in the rule book. C, what the chimp get that thing away from me before it bites my face off. This is MVP, most valuable primate. This is most valuable primate. The first one, I think he plays a different sport in MVP too. Yeah. Pardon me, I thought, you know, I'm gonna, like, I've clearly I'm on primate play. Okay.

I'd be nervous that there's some kind of shenanigans going on because the last time shenanigans in a hockey arena went on, it was because Powers Booth had taken the entire arena hostage. And John Claude Van Dam had to play goalkeeper for a little bit before he then saved the day. So I would say, hmm, you know, I don't like it, but I'm gonna have to allow it. Let's just play, okay?

Yep. So both of you would, as the band sparks would say, let the monkey drive, or in this case, play hockey. Well, that's interesting. It's gonna throw your algorithm off. This is very, I had, I thought I knew where you guys were going with. Now I'm not so sure. Well, let's find out the next one.

Okay. This is another primate pet related question. Your pet Arangatane is looking for a summer job. Dude buys him to become a hotel bell hop, be butler in a city that a pig visits or see. Trucking partner of a future mayor of Carmel, California. Ooh, so many good options. You know what, I gotta, you know,

take him to that pig city, because that place is wild. And, you know, it has so many elements from so many different cities, like you're getting in like a whole several years worth of travel just that one city. I mean I don't think he's gonna get to go outside that much. He's the butler which means it mainly just stays at the house but he could look out the windows sure at the at the skyline. Sure. I mean if it doesn't he get like a day off or something? Yeah I guess he gets a day

off. I'm just saying if you want it, if you want to really explore the city you live in, being a butler is not the best job for that. You'd rather you'd want to be like a local, like a local reporter who's always investigating what's going on in the city, you know. Wait, wait, are we, are we workshopping this? Yeah, so maybe he's like an orangutan reporter. Oh, what would that be called? What would that be called? Oh God? Flagan sheets No, wait, did you just say flipping sheets?

No, but let's say that Okay, so flipping sheets the story of an orangutan reporter again sounds more like a butler's job Okay So Stuart what do you what are you gonna tell your orangutan to do? I mean, I was thinking one thing, then I heard all about this flipping sheets. I'll add it, D. It's a reporter working at a newspaper, or a butler who makes beds. I love it.

Okay, so you're gonna say D. It's all like flipping sheets. It feels like it's also a little naughty. Maybe he's hanging out with other orangutans. So it's like an orangutan bedroom farce is what you're saying. Yes. Okay. That's what I'm saying. All right. Well, this is our final question in this section in the pets who aren't cats or dogs section. He's just trying to get a story, but just hijinks he's had. Now, is he a cub reporter who's just starting at the paper?

Or is he like a grizzled old reporter who's been there for a long time? He's seen it all. He's done it all. And now he's trying to make his bones. You know, you know what I mean? So it is a good one. Okay. Sure.

What if it was okay? It's an Aranthane reporter. He doesn't have bones. He lost them. He needs to raise the money to make a new pair new set of bones To get the man to get the bones out of the earth and into his toys He's commissioning a glass blower to make a skeleton for him because he loves Samuel Jackson's performances in the sixth series He's an orangutan Dan what do you expect? Jackson's performances in the sixth series. That's a bad idea.

He's an Arangatan, Dan. What do you expect? Yeah, yeah. I'm an Oceomancer. Yeah, come on. Okay, well, that's the movie. I'll reschedule that pitch with Legendary. So I can get a pitch on that one.

Legendary be a good name if we need a subtitle for Flip and Sheets. Okay, so it's called Flip and Sheets Legendary. It's the story of Enraginga Tan reporter who is trying to just get a new set of bones in his body. Okay. Well, last quote. Classic story. I mean, the problem is I feel like I've seen it before.

So many times. Yeah. Okay, so here's the last question. I mean, the familiarity is what gets you in the movie theater. Like, you know what you're gonna like. That's true. I mean, it's proven IP. It's proven's true that I pay the orangutan who doesn't have

bones who works at a newspaper. Like it wants to watch the movie starts you know how it's gonna turn out and that's what that's the comfort. Yeah. Every every story has already been told it's just nuance you know nothing you wanted to the sun. Yeah nothing new under the sun every yeah there's just they've been so at this point there's so many takes on that bonus orangutan reporter story that, your little girl who becomes the owner of an enormous genetically modified super pig technically owned by Tilda Swinton. Do you give it back? A, no winking way.

I found this weird super pig. It's mine now. B, yes winking way. Property rights, Trump matters of the heart. Cut off that pig and save me a slice. C, what the oink? Is that what Jake Gyllenhaal thinks australians sound like I that is that is one adorable pig how do we save that pig what's the option well

you can either you just decide not to give it back to tell us I'm gonna say it's a no it's no winking way that's I'm gonna show myself to be the hero of this screenplay I would give it back to tell to Swinton, because I'll do anything she tells me to. This is a real reversal of the alien situation where Dan was willing to let a cat die for his own good and Stuart was willing to risk his life for it. I think part of it. Well, interesting. It's the relative fear I have of an alien person.

But just the alien person. It's a huge thing. That's the relative fear I have. But just aliens are the things. It's a huge thing. That's a big, big. No, no, I'm more scared of an alien. I'm scared of tell the swim. Wow. I mean, some people disagree with you. No, I understand. They're flying arguments to the other way.

Have you seen her in what's what's that movie the Amy Schumer movie where she plays the magazine executive? I believe I have. Yeah, but I mean we won't know the answer who to fear until alien versus Swinton comes out in theaters everywhere no matter who wins we lose But it'll be a fun romp for everyone. Okay, so that's the last question in that section. Guys, we're up to the final round of our What Fictional Pet is right for you, Quiz. This is the essay question. So each of you will get a chance to answer it in a short kind of like, just short argument. I don't want you to overthink it. It's a pretty simple question that I'm sure you've thought about before. Okay, and the question is, do you consider yourself more of a Zeus or more of a Roxanne? And why? Train wreck is the movie. Uh, okay.

Wait, to keep the moment. I'm going. Well, I, you know what? I'm going to say I'm gonna say I'm more of a Roxanne. Okay. Because, you know, if you read the stories, Zeus is a very capricious God. Does a lot of terrible things, you know, murder and assault. So, shower of gold, dude. Eternatus Swan. Roxanne, on the other hand, much like Roxanne, I have fallen for Seath Martin.

So, yeah. Okay, I mean, you're taking it, you're really taking the question not at face value, which is about the film Zeus and Roxanne, directed by George T Miller, not to be confused with George Miller, two very different people. George Terrible Miller, Miller to very different people. George

terrible Miller just to make it weird. Wow, not the good George Miller. That's what it says on his business card. It says not the good George Miller. Elliot, which one is Zeus and which one's Roxanne? So Zeus is the dog and Roxanne is the dolphin. I'm gonna be more specific. So what flavor? I would flavor a dolphin. I'm gonna be more specific. So what flavor would flavor of dolphin? The Zeus is like kind of a medium-sized dog and Roxanne is a regular-sized dolphin. You know what I'm gonna look up these? What's regular in the dolphin, Elliot? Stop pulling your usual bullshit on me where you think you know all about dolphin sizes. Okay fair. Okay well how about this? Are you more of a Zeus, more of a Roxanne, or

more of a Steve Gutenberg as Terry Barnett, the main character of Susan Roxanne, other than, of course, the T-chalant. I don't know what, like, Susan Roxanne. Zeus looks like some sort of terrier probably. It's kind of a why did I think why did I think it was I got him confused with my loan notice I'm gonna stick with I'm just think with Roxanne because uh... to swim like a dolphin uh... you know all the time what what a treat that would be

okay okay that's fair so but you that's what you want to be or that's what you are uh... yeah i'm i'm Roxanne okay i mean i feel like if Dan's Roxanne, of course, I'm Zeus. I mean, I'm stuck on land watching my buddy swim around the water. And you know, I wish I could be with him, but I can't because I'm not blessed with the ability to swim super well. I was about to say gills, but dolphins don't have g gills right here. No, Dolphin's not have gills there. Mammals who breathed through a blow.

Okay, so that's okay. So, Dan, you're more of a Roxanne, Stuart, you're more of a Zeus. Again, a Zeus Roxanne directed by George T. Miller, not the George Miller you're thinking of. George T. Miller was the director, of course, of the Aviator, not the Aviator that you're thinking of. Oh, what?

Did he do anything else? Oh, he did lots of stuff. The man from Smiley River, never ending story two. lots of stuff. The man from Smelly River never ending story to lots of new. Never ending story to John the Brandes. Yes, the very same. Okay, so guys, let me tabulate the results of these questions. First, how do you think you did in the quiz? Wait, you said there was no right answer. Well, I was lying. How do you think you did? Do you think you're going to get a good fictional pet? Are you thinking of be happy with what the quiz matches you up with? Well, I don't think-

You know, I love all a matter of animals. I think I will be happy. Okay. Uh, I'm kind of prepared to be upset at this point. Okay, well, let's see. I think I've played a bad game. Uh, no, no, no. You played a good game, boy.

I get- Whoa! Okay, I think I did I think I've played a bad game. Oh, no, no, you play you played a good game away. I got Okay, I think I did well now. Okay, so I think you guys should both be mostly proud of your answers Not Dan of course who left a cat to die on a spaceship But otherwise you should be you know proud of her just taking part Let's give have a round of applause just for our contestants everybody This is the people at home are clapping right now everybody's a winner in this non-competitional game that again is more of a personality quiz So I've tabulated the scores and the algorithm has figured out what is the right fictional pet for you? Okay Dan you said you love all manners of living things

So let's dive into it. It says Dan you are a cat person But unfortunately the particular cat that is right for you is Mike Myers from the film the cat in the hat Oh, no, this is the right for you is Mike Myers from the film The Cat and the Hat. Oh no. This is the perfect pet you love all living things, Dan. This is the perfect pet, all manner of animal. This is the perfect pet to shake you out of your humdrum life by injecting inappropriately sexual jokes delivered in the voice of an older Jewish woman for some reason. Cats and the Hat can be difficult to care for because of their severe bipolar disorder, but well worth the effort. Your Mike Myers will be arriving on your doorstep tomorrow, so please plan accordingly. Oh, so the quiz has already gotten one for you.

That's great. How do you feel, then? It's great. It's kind of want me to go to the raves with it. Yeah. And if it's some Mike Myers, you know, you're going to need to have some hockey jerseys on hand in case he gets cold. Mm hmm. It looks like, Dan, you can learn a little bit from when you hide out as a ref. You can, you'll know a little bit more about the, about more about the sweet game of hockey, the good old hockey game. I don't know, maybe I'll learn something from the chaos this cat will bring into my life. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, something about yourself, kind of about the world around you. I'd like the good attitude, resign submission to fame. And Stuart, let's see what it says about you. Oh, this is interesting. This is a very interesting result. Stuart off the top of your hand. Off the top of your head, what would be your guess? I should've asked Dan what his guess was to. Stuart, what's your guess? What pet do you think this is gonna line you up with? I'm really hoping for like Beethoven or something, right? Okay. The composer or the dog or both? I mean the composer

He's a huge star. Go for both Both well like a fucking centaur. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's bait The bottom half is the dog yeah, and the upper half is Ludwig van. Yeah sure Okay, let's see if that oh that's not what the computer is telling me. The computer is telling me, okay, it says Stuart, you should not have a pet because you are a pet. Specifically, you are a Harry from the movie Harry and the Henderson's. You enjoy living in the woods with occasional vacations and suburban homes that end in lunch on Lithial Pretending not to like you so that you'll go away. Or maybe Harry was the owner and the Henderson's were the pets and Harry, realizing he didn't

want to take on the responsibility of caring for a middle-class family of four Decided to let them down easy but pretending he didn't want to go but actually relishing the chance to escape Either way Stewart you are the original party animal. It says. Oh, okay, so that's fair Oh, it's just like the time I ran into John Lithgow outside of the TGI Friday's at Union Square union square and he didn't like me and yelled at me until I left it. Now you know why. Now it's come full circle. He thought he had run into his old coworker, Harry. So Harry, you don't see Harry in a lot of things these days.

I guess he was in the original movie and on the TV show, but maybe there's not a lot of roles for bigfoot's anymore. So Dan, you get Mike Myers from the cat in the hat, Stuart, you get to be Harry, a Sasquatch, and that was How Spoken Presents. What fictional pet is right for you brought to you by How's Broken Monday nights on Fox, starting May 31st. Please give it a watch. So guys, now it's time for the post game interviews. How do you feel? How do you feel about your results? I mean, I don't want to be a sore loser, but I don't want a horrific mic Myers human size cat man to visit me and create all sorts of havoc.

I mean, particularly considering that Stewart gets be like a cool Sasquatch. That's true, I get to be. No, Dan. Although I feel like, and I feel like the marketing opportunities because maybe I could be like a pitch person for pizza huts, big-foot pizza. Do they still do that? They will once they see you're ready to do the commercials. Does pizza still have free-standing restaurants with shingled roofs?

And all you can eat, fuck it, salad bars? I believe so, probably fewer than they once did. But now, Dan, I'm just curious because you have been on the record, even earlier this episode, just being very pro-giant, weird, human-sized cats. And yet, guys, real quick, just pizza. Just pizza, just pizza, still do that thing, where if you had reading of books at school, they give you a free pizza. What, do want it in roll? Is that in the program? Or is that? I mean, if I'm going to be pizza anyway, or wait, if I'm going to be reading books anyway, am I supposed to get pizza out of it?

Man, I, you know, pizza hut was one of the earliest and longest serving. Yes, I think I believe it's still there. Restaurants in my hometown of Uri Hylanoi. And I remember when Pizza introduced like the pizza buffet. And it's like, you know, you got all these different types of like slices of pizza you can pick up is all you can eat. And then plus you got the like the dessert pizza on there, which is just like, you know, cinnabon style frosting on, you know, cinamini like pizza dough is one of those items that you look at and you're like, okay,

this is a mistake, but still, I kinda, I gotta take a little taste of this. Yeah, you feel like a fucking skexies from, yeah. Yeah. Like, woo, roast nebriana pizza. Well, that was a wonderful little trip down pizza hut memory lane. And it was the perfect way to end this pet episode of The Flop House. So, unless you guys have any other final thoughts about pets,

I'll just say thanks to our listeners for listening. There's lots of other great shows in the Max Fun Network. Thanks to our editor Jordan Cowling, who produced this. And remember to have your pets spayed or neutered unless you like letting them have a good time, in which case, hey, we'll go wild. For the flop house, I have Vin Elliott-Kalen. I'm Dan McCoy.

And I'm Stuart Wellington saying, sorry. ["MakximumFun.org"] Maximumfun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist-owned, audience supported.