The Flop House - FH Mini 4 - A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man

Episode Date: April 4, 2020

Elliott gives us a preview of his son Sammy's novel, and then things take a turn.

Broadcasting live from the hearts of the tire fire we're living in, it's a flop house many, stirring me, Dan McCoy, Owen Me, Stuart Wellington. And over here, in sunny Los Angeles, Elliott Kalen, Dan, how come you can't bring that level of energy to the regular show? Well, this is desperate hysteria, Elliott. Or is it that you're like, you're like, I only have so much energy and for a regular, so it's got a last an hour and a half, but this time it's only got to be 10 minutes. That's possible. It's also possible that I'm just happy to see other human faces. It's kind of like when when we went on a cruise to Alaska and we went on a tour of an Alaskan sled dog training facility.

They ate the sled dog team dragged us around on like a little golf cart thing. There was much heavier than my didterod like sled, but they only did it for a brief period of time. So Dan is a lot like those very friendly happy sled dogs who are also very Muscle athletes Sounds like Dan. I thought this was leading into a description of how this is the that this uh Being dragged around by happy sled dogs was the happiest any of us have ever been

It was it was one of the happiest moments of my life Yeah, don't worry when this mini goes up. I will post some video of these happy doggies. Oh nice It's there's no way it's gonna match the best video from that vacation Dan performing in the voice of the sea Convitation that's true That was actually the happiest moment of my life and I kept staring at the heavens Please strike me dead for I don't want to experience anything else. It was a little insulting to see the video that you took and to hear you and Charlene laughing the whole time. I did honestly. What do you think their reaction was going to be?

Are they going to be like, whoa, he's really doing it. He's amazing. Yeah. I thought we were watching a dinosaur skateboard. We were all of your cousin Chuck Berry. Because this is the sound he's been looking for. We're out to see guys. I thought that they would be transfixed by my siren song. Sure. Well, maybe their ears were full of beeswax. Yeah.

Much like Odysseus himself. That was a thing. All of our friends ears were filled with beeswax, but not me. I had them time me to my chair so I could experience the glory of Dan's voice. That's my idea. So guys, we don't really have a format for the Flapphouse minis, but in so much as we have had one in the past, it's been people tweeting topics at us and us addressing them, but we're going to do something a little different.

I don't think we want to get necessarily stuck in that for every flop housemini, but do a lot of those probably. But, Ellie, what's your format change? What are we doing this time? I thought, you know, guys, I would give everybody a little peek into what's going on in the creative firmament that is my house right now. Because as everyone knows, there is a lot of bad stuff going around. And as a result, my family has been staying inside

for days, which many families are. And I think many families are doing what we are doing, which is going insane. And just going from that point where it's like, oh, this is family togetherness to the point where it's like the movie cube, or anything where people have to spend the night in a haunted house and only one can survive, you know?

Yeah, like in the money. Like an existential nightmare. Yes, that's the way that Gabriel, my 19 month old, described it earlier today. It is kind of extreme patience therapy though. I've tried looking at it that way to make myself feel better about it, because if Audrey and I feel like on the verge of an argument, it's like,

okay, I'm just gonna stop right now because we cannot go anywhere else. And do you always do it in the movie phone voice? Yeah, I like it. You have selected lower tension. If you would like to continue lowering the tension, press one. If you would like to return to the argument

and raise the tension, press two. You have chosen two very surprising. If you would like me to keep the subject of the argument around this specific minor thing, press one. If you'd like me to extrapolate to deeper personal issues between us, press two. Two, wow, okay. If you would like me to refer to a private thing you shared with me that is very hurtful to me. Press one. If you would like me to guilt you over something you have done to me that I previously said I forgave you for but secretly was still holding on to in the back of my mind. Press two.

Yes, very revealing. What I love is I love is that at some point she must have selected the her responses, uh, button. Oh, wow, are you sure? Oh, fun. Oh, I've been burned. That's more like a soundboard or like one of those, one of those machines you get at the drugstore that has just has a bunch of different sounds. You know, the one day and you have one, right? Sound machine. Never.

Yeah, I've got a, well, it's made in Miami. I call it the, made in Miami sound machine. There's probably a shorter way of saying that, but. Yeah, I think you'll drop off at least two words. OK, now, guys, what I wanted to share with you was that out of nowhere, not in any way inspired by me, not as not prompt anyway, my son, my older son, Samuel, has decided to write a book.

And he has out of nowhere, he's just started a book. And he has, I don't know where he's just started writing it. First, he was dictating it to me, and then he started typing it himself. And so I just thought I'd share with you guys, and maybe the world at large, a little bit of his work, it's a work in progress. He has been revising it as he goes. So, uh, but told me, do you want notes on this or? No, I don't think so, but I mean tell me and maybe I'll tell me it was Okay, he gave me a permission to share it with the podcast audience Okay, even though he told he never he doesn't even want me to tell my family members the title because he doesn't want to spoil it But I said could I read some of it on the podcast and he said yes, so now this is

This isn't some kind of like backdoor pilot for like my son wrote a porno or something right? I mean it is amateur erotic fiction. He should never have been in the room when we did that Veronica episode. He said he was not. He was not in the room. I want to clarify this for people. People have wanted this on Twitter because we had to cut out a bunch of Max Von Drive talk, our editor, Jordan Cowling, took out a lot of Sammy who was there to pluck on the heartstrings and one of the things that got lost was him leaving the room. So it's easy to believe that he was just there

as we talked about the many inappropriate things in Verataka. Let's just say NSFW content. Not safe for, I mean nobody's working right now, so not safe for what like walruses. I mean there's plenty of people working out there's people that deliver your food, bring you groceries all those things. That's true, lots of people are working. You're right Stuart. Lots of people are working and I'm very glad they are because they're keeping our world

alive. But speaking of keeping things alive, perhaps I'll keep your spirit of suspense and thrilled alive. With a little bit of a little preview of this book by Sammy, he's entitled it, The Mystery of the Stinky Cheese. The title was the first thing he told us about. And Dan, I know you love mysteries, and Stuart, I know you love stink.

So, it's right up your alley. We both love cheese, too. I love Stuart. You know, you've got, it has a little tummy problem for you, I guess. But it does. Thank you for bringing that up in front of everybody, Dan. I'm sorry, the most common stomach issue that anyone has that that lactose does not agree with you all the time.

Actually Dan the most common stomach issue is hunger. Oh wow. So are we straight out? We straight out. We straight out. We straight out. We straight out. Yeah.

I think we are. Earlier on I had to correct Elliot about how time so it's work. So I guess I had mine already off air. Yeah, that's true Yeah, you corrected me hard you really rubbed it in So the mystery of the stinky cheese. This is a novel. It's multiple chapters. So chapter one are you ready? Yes, the mystery of the stinky cheese by Samuel K. L. Chapter one There once was a place called Mouseville. Mm-hmm. And in Mouseville, there was a contest with who had the most cheese in Mouseville.

But everyone did not have their cheese because someone stole it overnight. It was in a big case, and someone stole it. The mystery begins. That's the end of Chapter One. Oh, wow. That was her. That was her. That was the...

When he wrote that line, I was like, thank you. Yes, beautiful. I love it. Well, I like that he leans fully into the brand of mouse fill by mentioning it multiple times. Even within the same sentence. Yeah, he's establishing it. Yeah, it's IP building.

He's created a world right off. And I love how he issues like kind of a normal narrator style to go for more of like sort of you know someone Introducing a movie on television like the mystery begins. Mm-hmm something like that. Okay chapter two Beginning of the mystery chapter one did not have a type chapter title But the rest of chapters of titles chapter two beginning of the mystery and The kind of person that stole the cheese is obviously easy But we don't know which one of them stole it beginning of the mystery. And the kind of person that stole the cheese is obviously easy, but we don't know which one of them stole it. They are mean to mouse fill because they

are tigers. Even though the mice are, hey, wait, this is where there's a twist. Even though the mice are bigger than the tigers, the mice are gonna have to feed them. What? Yeah, you told me I could read it. Oh, oh, Sammy, do you want to come in? Hold on. Sammy, come on. Oh, Sammy is now rafting and saying I can't read it Sammy come on over No, it's okay. It's straight from the bath. I assume I mean I have some I have some clarifying questions No, he can't hear you because he doesn't have headphones on Sammy would you like to tell them are you saying I can't read any more of the story Uh-huh, okay, cuz you told me before that I could read on the podcast. Can you change your mind?

Okay, do you want to talk about it at all? Okay, what was the inspiration for it? He just shrugged his shoulders. Oh, wow. I will respect your wishes and I will read no more of it. Okay. I was just proud of it But okay, have a good night. Okay, bye daddy. Have a good night. Uh-huh. If I daddy, but you're saying I love you. Oh weird Yeah, I call him daddy. I accept that. I'm never gonna get any closure on this story You got to promise me Elliot that eventually when you know Sammy's a little more willing to share that I Get a little closure because I the idea I I was taken by surprise by a number of things And just those few sentences of he's a master of twists and turns he is constantly surprising you

I think it was a even Void who said that you needed a story twist like every 300 words And he has just he's beaten that limit. I'm not even gonna mention to you the volcano that shoots cheese What? And I and I think I won't tell you about the the big battle that ends when a mysterious Riddle message appears and everybody is frozen in place and that's when the detective comes in. So there's, there's not actually, you know what, the, I will, I actually, you know what, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll give you just a teaser.

Maybe he won't be upset about this. Okay. This is, I'll just read you the beginning of one chapter and a little bit in the middle of this. This is the beginning of chapter seven, which is called chapter seven, five o'clock. The detective was coming at five o'clock in the morning. He woke up at two o'clock in the morning. He did not like it.

His brother woke him up. Then he had a real mystery to solve. So that's based on reality, which is Sammy's little brother waking him up. And then at the in chapter eight, another plan. So the detective comes in. He was there. Hi, he said, I am here. Why? Because I woke up late. I slept in today. You are late. As late as you can be. Why are you

staring at me? I'm not staring at you. You are still staring. So that's a dumb dialogue between the detective and somebody else there. So I guess that's all I can share with you. Because I'm gonna respect same wishes and not tell you anymore. Yeah. Oh man. What, I mean, the art of the trailer there, because Sam, I'm gonna have a respect Sam's wishes and not tell you anymore. Yeah, oh man. What, I mean, the art of the trailer there, first off, like you're just giving up just enough of a taste. Yeah, I think it's boiling the whole plot. That was the teaser release.

And maybe I'll talk to him, maybe he'll allow me to reveal some more, but, you know. Yeah, Stuart, I'm sorry to think that this is kind of a little suspicious. I think maybe he always meant to give us one taste for free. Now he's counting on the money that's gonna roll in once this gets published. Yeah, it's weird.

On this Skype call, there's this Patreon link that keeps popping up. Yeah, Sammy is really into crowdfunding and crowdsourcing. And he says, And crowd surfing. And crowd surfingsurfing. You can't take him to a concert because he will just climb on that stage

and he'll just jump onto people's hands. And then he'll start stealing their rings and their watches. He's kind of like the artful diger if the artful diger went to a lot more concerts. Well, yeah, I'm sorry guys, that this is just a teaser. You know, this is just the teaser dropping.

But that's the way that modern entertainment is. First, you advertise that the teaser is dropping. Yeah. And the teaser drops to reveal the release date. The teaser of the teaser. Yeah, I'm familiar. Yeah. Like the show me villain, the teaser.

Yeah, they show me that. They show me one shot of Vin Diesel surfing on a car and then catching a different car. And I'm like, what? Wait, wait, catching a different car like in his hands. Yeah, like the car flips and he catches it with his hands. Yeah, I didn't see this. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, hold on.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, hold on. I just have to drive along a suspension, like a rope bridge that is falling off on one side, but he's going so fast. Yeah, he can continue to drive up the slats. He's out, is he singing to find gravity from Wicked? Yeah. Now, wait, I haven't seen this teaser. So he catches a car in his hands. Yeah, yeah. Just watch it. It's on F9. No, no, but so where does his hands go on the car? So he's

just pressed F9 on your keyboard. Dan, I have a Mac keyboard. There's no function keys. It's not going to work. So hit the function key and then hit the nine key. I was in a Zoom meeting the other day and I was typing too fast. I accidentally hit the fast and furious key. It suddenly, my computer froze up and it was just been diesel catching cars on my screen. So he catches it. Wait, so he's like, I don't understand. Does he catch it by like, he grabs onto part of it? I know, I know you want me to paint a word picture, but it's very difficult, Elliot.

So, so imagine Dominic Toretto. Dominic Toretto is surfing on top of a muscle car. Now is he surfing on water? No, he's standing on top of the muscle car. So he's like style, he's like, they're surfing like styles. And then one car like flips sideways and it looks like it's going to like land with its top on top of his car, but instead he just catches it. But how does he lift a car?

Elliot, that's the question I'm asking. That's the question that that trailer brings up. And only the movie can answer it. Because I know the movie is, I know the movie, the Fast and Furious movies have gotten pretty unrealistic. But like, does he get us, like, are they saying that he has super strength now? Or is it just that he only has power over cars?

Well, there's, I mean, I think it's both of those things. I mean, I feel like those are movies where as long as you're touching your car, you're gonna be okay. Yeah. I think Stuart is, it definitely looks like he's cashing a car, but I think it's just because he has arms out to block it and a car can be using that. That's how you catch a ball.

Is you put your arms out and block it? Yeah, sure. You don't block it. You know, you catch it. But I mean, I wonder, maybe there's a scene where someone He comes out and block it. You don't block it. You know, you can't shit. I mean, I wonder, maybe there's a scene where someone poisons him, and he has to get his keys out so we can get into the car in time, because once he's sitting in the car, nothing get.

I guess a charm is put on the car early in the movie by a wizard or a pixie or something. Well, there's probably a scene where he has to wrestle Heracles, and Heracles keeps letting him heal his wounds by sitting on his car. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course, yeah. And Heracles realized the only way to stop Dominic Torredo was to lift him up off of mother car.

Yeah, speaking of Heracles, I thought that I was very surprised going back to Sammy's story that the Tigers were the mice, their enemies, because I know that at least lions the another big cat are friends with mice after the corn. Yeah, yeah, Dan, I guess all big cats are the same, racist. Oh, wow. You're the guy who's like, you're running to like a puma at a bar and you're like, hey, Adam, I way, Adam, I way cougar. And he's like, excuse me? Excuse me?

Yeah. Can I go? Yeah, no, I was just talking to Courtney Cox, star of Cougar tab. Uh-huh, yep. And the boom was like, oh my god, I'm such a big fan. I, Monica, can I have your autograph? Oh, that's embarrassing.

I called you Monica. Uh-huh. And Dan, you're like, well, I'm not Courtney Cox. I was talking to her. Yeah. You seem to have gotten me mistaken with her. And he's like, Courtney, you've really changed. You have a beard, you're a man now, I'm not Courtney Cox. I was talking to her. You seem to have gotten me mistaken with her. And he's like, Courtney, you've really changed. You have a beard, you're a man now.

I mean, I love it. These are all good changes. But what are you going to do next in your career? And you're like, well, you know, I'm still at the Daily Show. And he's like, Courtney Cox is on the Daily Show. And that's when I step in. And I'm like, guys, there's a big misunderstanding right here. Yeah.

Well, I mean, this shows that, you know, weaving a tail, you know, just passed down in the Kalan family. Oh, yeah, I mean, where do you think he got it from? What do you think he got the ability to spin nonsense into yarn and then use that yarn to make a sweater that doesn't quite fit? Mm-hmm. Yep, Stuart seems.

How are you going over there in that other box, Stuart, that other box of Lee at you? Well, you know, I was trying to come up with some kind of story where like Elliott and Sammy show up to a woman and they teach her how to spin, hey, and do like a bullshit story. But they demand a baby in return, you know, that kind of thing.

And that's how I had my second son. And they have to guess your names, and she just pulls out a book of common male names. It's not really that hard, you know? Like it takes a while, but it gets to it. Yeah, but she gets to it and Sammy, both. Yeah. Okay, wow, so we, uh, man, we got a lot tounditay here, guys.

Yeah, I feel like we accomplished a lot. We could check a lot off our bucket list. I want to apologize to the listeners at home that they only got the bearest, the bearest, uh, tip of the iceberg that is Sammy's emerging magnum opus. But maybe I can prevail on him to let me share a little more in the future. Next week, we'll be back to our regular format where, uh, what do we do again on this show? I don't remember why should bad movie then we talk about it right unlike today when Elliott Pitchus is upcoming paywall content Okay guys We'll see you next time

Bye Okay, let's count off two you ready? Uh-huh one two three three Wait, Dan, why are you saying three? Sorry, I spaced out because there was a legal warning of the top of Skype telling me that people need to know that they're being recorded. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry, all right, let's do it again. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

Dan, okay, you know what, let's restart this recording. Okay, no. No, no, no, no. There's a minute of, there's a, okay. No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. There's a minute of, there's a minute. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Okay, let's try. Two.

One. Say one again. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six.

Seven. Eight. Nine. Jordan, I know this is just a mini, but please put that at the end. Dan's in-evely to remember how many people on the call. Maximumfun.org Comedy and Culture

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