The Flop House - The Flop House: Episode #115 - Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

Episode Date: December 2, 2012

0:00 - 0:32 - Introduction and theme.0:33 - 41:07 - Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter takes us on a 100% accurate tour through American history.41:08 - 42:32 - Final judgments42:33 - 43:40 - All Things Comedy plugs43:41 - 58:17 - Flop House Movie Mailbag58:18 - 1:05:07 - The sad bastards recommend. 1:05:08 - 1:06:22 - Goodbyes, theme, and outtakes.

On this episode we discuss Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter, starring Daniel Day Lewis. Hey everyone and welcome to the Flop House, I'm Dan McCoy. Hey Dan, I'm Stuart. Hey Stuart and Dan, I'm Elliott. Thank you again for introducing yourself to me Stuart. Yeah. Oh hey Elliott, what's up? Oh hey Stu. It's been a while.

It has been. You were on a trip. I was on a trip. We're all tripping. So what do we do here again? That's true. We watch a movie altogether. We sit in a room.

People ask, do you sit in a room and watch the movie? We do. No one's ever asked that. No, no, no. We sit together in a room and watch the movie. OK, we talked about it. Incredibly thorough job of explaining how we sit when we watch the movie Next to each other sometimes on top of each other who cares. Yeah, come on Elie it's hands creep up my thigh. That's not true. I'm usually too busy eating chicken. I'm usually just looking for your penis

So this is a bad movie podcast. It's called the Flop House. I'm Ellie Caelin. I'm Stuart Welley doing this part guys. Did we? I have that momentum thing, but I forget anything that is 45 seconds earlier. Immediately. My name is Ellie Caelin. Okay. And tonight we watched a little film, a very little film. It was a major motion picture. Called Abraham Lincoln colon vampire hunter. Wait, so Abraham Lincoln's colon was a major motion picture called Abraham Lincoln colon vampire hunter wait So Abraham Lincoln's colon was a vampire hunter according to the movie I think yeah

Many men's columns just get disease as they grow older. Yeah, fought vampires. Well, he really was a great historical figure Certainly what he did in real life is overshadowed by the vampire hunting. Mm-hmm. So Elliott you love you love Abraham Lincoln. I do very much. I consider him the greatest of men. Okay, so I think we've talked about this. You were really excited about watching this movie. Oh yeah, I was, actually I was a little excited about watching this because I knew it was

going to be awful, but I was very unexcited when the book this movie was based on first came out. I thought it was kind of a dumb idea. And to be fair, I didn't read the book, so I can't judge it on its merits. But the movie is great. No, it's terrible. It's very bad. Spoiler alert, it's not a good movie.

Yeah. But it seems like the movie is even very loose compared to the original book from what I've heard. Okay, but wasn't it written by the same guy? The screenplay is written by the same guy set gramsmith who a lot of people know best from his book pride and prejudices on these the for the the book that helped invent the mash-em-up tradition that was the book that kicked off a million irritating things

well it's the book that invented a tradition invented by philip Jose farmer and before that invented by other people of taking different types of fictional characters and mash them up together. And Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter was described as a mash him up also, but it's not. It's just historical fiction. Like, you know, if that's a mash up, then Harry Turtles loves careers of mash up because he's written fucking a whole series about aliens invading during World War II, you know. Yeah, I don't think they're dragons and that one you're thinking of the world war one dragon comic book arrow smith okay i heard blue zx and carlos

butch at that time maybe okay arosmith the hit Boston rock band not arrow smith the rock band and not arosmith the Pulitzer prize winning novel by sincler Lewis all right so turn down the price for that one what we want we uh... what we can review this thing it's directed by what's his name tim or tim book to tim or back of my back of my car

that better than car here i got it written down more the night watch that's right about straight. If I did name his team More big Mambitov and he is a Kazaki Russian director best known for yeah the night watch day watch and wanted The hit film starring Angelina Jolie is tiger tattoo Yeah, and And Angelina Chile getting out of a pool make it and a bullet that curves around things, right?

Yeah, yeah the movie we're at the end the main character tells you that you haven't done anything worthwhile because you haven't shot anybody across the world you're not an awesome hitman like he was so there's a lot of style in this movie maybe too much style and it tries to cover up the fact that there's not a lot of story in this movie which I will explain thusly we begin around 18 18 actually that's not a lot of story in this movie which i will explain bustley uh... we've been begin around eighteen eighteen actually that's not true we begin in modern day times then as abraham linkin now rates we go back to the eighteen sixties and then we go back to eighteen eighteen this all happens in about a minute

and a half uh... there's no reason for us to start in the present go to the past to remind people that the United States has a history. I guess you're using the first character history to remind people that the union did not dissolve. Then fact, we still have it. Yeah. So spoiler alert, Abraham Lincoln was successful in saving the union. Abraham Lincoln, we start to go back to 1818.

He's about nine years old. And his dad is a poor guy working on a doc or a warehouse or something and some mean guy is whipping black people and Abe Lincoln tries to stop him and He starts whipping baby boy Abe Lincoln and Abe Lincoln's dad stops the guy from whipping him and the guy says I'll get revenge next scene. It's nighttime Abe Lincoln's at his house I guess reading by candlelight or something the guy was always at self-educated and a vampire attacks his mom and his mom dies of vampire attack is him and he vows that he

will kill the man who did this to his mom who he does not know at this point but he doesn't know he's a vampire but he saw him do it so he knows he's dude he's an old now he's an adult. He goes to get his revenge, shoots the guy in the eye, and he's still alive. He's a vampire, opens his mouth wide, big fangs, he's got a monster face, and he's all vany. Cause when vampires get, vampire, they get vany.

And he's almost killed, but is saved the last minute by a man named Henry who teaches him how to be, with the, with the cool name of Henry It plays a pretty fat. They do a lot of shorthand where they're just like ah people know vampires are just make them vany and give them a wacky mouth They yeah wacky mouth like wax lips and a big Mick Jagger rolling stone tongue. They like Steam point punk out outfits. They is is yeah, they wear all wear sunglasses even though it's the 1860s yeah and Henry teaches Abe Lincoln how to be a vampire hunter he says you can't just do this for vengeance this is about saving people like you from the from what happened to you and mainly being a vampire

hunter involves twirling an axe around like a lot like a drum-long type stuff if you if it's like he's training him to hunt vampires in a parade. If you, when you're imagining this movie, I'm imagining that if Abe Lincoln has a spare moment at all, he's twirling an axe around. And as, as Dan pointed out, we're given no reason to care about this character except that he's Abe Lincoln. And we know that Abe Lincoln is a famous historical figure.

Otherwise, this guy is a bland cipher. Which is too bad because he's played by Benjamin Walker, who I saw on stage during the off-Broadway run of Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson in New York, and he was really good as Andrew Jackson. And so maybe it's because that was like a cartoony show and he was allowed to really be big and wacky, but he did such a better job of creating a character out of

historical figure that was like lively and interesting. And here he's just like, you might as well have just slapped a beard and a hat on a mannequin. Well, because all the wackiness comes through in like the special effects in the slow-mo action scene. But it's not supposed to look wacky. Like it's supposed to look really cool. The movie is what's one to look really cool the movie is What's one of the problems with the movies that it takes itself really seriously? Or other it expects you to take it really seriously, but it doesn't put any effort into earning that seriousness It's just kind of like

We'll just make it like a grim Serious vampire tail and or shit or whatever. They'll just buy it as long as everything's dark and shot in like Golds and Grey's it'll look people take it seriously, you know what's dark slavery what else is dark vampires put them together It's super dark So he learns how to fight vampires with an axe and then he's following the steps of the real labeling Kim's life He goes to springfield Illinois. He rooms with his best friend, Joshua Speed. He falls in love with Mary Todd and. And he meets Steven Douglas, played by Alan Tudick.

He meets Steven Douglas who never really does anything out of that. It's too bad. Well, you got now in Tudick. You got to use that shit to analyze that. At least do it debate scene, like they debated. It's a major moment in American history. Not as major as awesome acts fights versus vampires.

And at the same time, Lincoln is becoming Lincoln. He is at night. Henry is sending him letters saying, this dude's a vampire go off him. And he does. And he kills like six guys in this town. And no one seems to notice that like the pharmacist and the bank manager are all dying off one by one. The wounds all seem to be made by a tall man, possibly one wearing a top hat.

You see the way the X marks go this way. From that we can tell that he is a Rails splitter. There's just like a steam punk David Caruso, who's putting on sunglasses. And it's like, this looks like the job of a Rails splitter. Ow! This looks like the job of a rails litter. Oh! Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, have a lot of puns korean well just the sound effect calls in that i don't know if that deserves an

uh... david please come on i have a family to support the right does he in the memory of my ancestor the great unrico caruso so you know the opera singer anyway so he goes through the thing he he marries marie tade his old friend uh... who was who his old black friend comes back ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha eventually Lincoln gets his revenge on the man who killed his mom in I'm just gonna say right now the only scene I enjoyed in the entire movie and that is because it is a fight between the two characters in the middle of a horse Stampede and they're fighting on the backs of horses. They're picking up horses and throwing them and by the way

We should mention Abe Lincoln has super strength because he has the power of truth Henry while teaching him says I want you to chop down that tree with one swing of your axe, and enabling him to say, I can't do that! That tree with this blast shield down, I can hardly see anything, let alone hit that tree! And Henry says, it gets him really mad, and eventually he does it at a truth rage or something like that.

And because he's so angry. Henry tells me is the power of truth, and he's so mad he knocks the tree down, and it's one of those things like like dark night rises where it's like hey if you want something bad enough you get super straight off of all the things that made me angry in the movie this might have made me the angriest because Abraham Lincoln in this movie is basically a superhero and we're given no explanation for all of his awesome fighting skills other

than like man he just wants it he just wants it. He just wants it a lot apparently He's awesome, I guess so you to hope that he like made love to a gypsy and the gypsy gave him the power He has a magic amulet that he stole off a mummy I mean, he's just or he got a magical tattoo from a dying shame I was like a like a voodoo priest slave put a spell on him to make him the defender and the champion of the black people of America He's the long lost descendent of theses? Or he's got like alien blood from a blood transfusion he got from an alien, like obensur, crash to ship,

into antebellum America and gave Lincoln a bunch of Greenlander and whatever. What'd be preferable? As it is, it's like a copy of the secret fell through a wormhole from our time back to Ablingon's time and it's just like, man, that's crazy, crazy idea if I can imagine it I can have it. Let's get back to the shame and spell green lantern mummy that gives him his bowers. Yeah, he's just like oh I'm I've got the power of furiousness. He's like he's like

mystery man except for it actually works like he smashes through a fucking tree just because he cares so much. And he fires the face mean, he does not do it in one stroke. I mean, he takes him like seven swipes. Yeah, but that's just the last one is awesome. No, but that's because he was seeking the right trigger. Oh, no. The final trigger, he found the power. There's some liminal password that he embedded

in Abelinkin's mind that gives him super strength. Yeah, it's part of what I would call the, something you see a lot on the internet, which is the awesomming up of things. And I think I may have talked about this in the podcast before that like a friend of mine sent me a picture they found the internet that was Abe Lincoln riding a bear holding a copy of the man's patient proclamation in like an M16 or some kind of automatic machine gun. And they were like, I bet you like this, huh? And I'm like, I don't like that's your your your your but what you're basically saying

to me is you don't be more awesome about Abraham Lincoln is if you rode a bear and have a sheen gun. No, you're wrong. Like it's more awesome that he fought the actual conditions of the time and overcame that. And that he did great things through enormous effort and against amazing obstacles and complications. Like if he can just tap into his inner anger and punch a vampire to death, like that's not as impressive as if he has to try and work hard to get it.

Like with the karate kid, it'd be a lot dumber if Mr. Miyagi was just like, want it, want it, Daniel Son. Okay, you're good. And then the movie was over and he just beat up everybody from that point on. Yeah, well, I mean, like this is a problem that I've talked about too much.

I feel like if everything's awesome nothing is awesome yeah like you have to have Scott pilgrim what like Scott pilgrim is the world that's some people's complain on the movies that I mean I like that I thought that was fun but that's it is also a fictional character like you can make a fictional character fairly awesome but it's like it's like I would argue that that's not the case. I mean, like that has different tones in it. Like I feel like too many movies now

are pitched all the same level 100% of the way through. It's at 11 the entire time. Yeah, and you look at like a great movie like that I know both Ellie and I love. Like the original taking a Pell and one, two, three, like part of what makes that work is like, it's grounding in some sort of reality.

So the awesome parts are more awesome because it comes out of something. And it's awesome that Walter Mato, Walter Mato is awesome because he's this kind of dopey guy who manages to do who's like crafty and does this stuff rather than being like a kick ass fighter. Yeah, that sounds pretty awesome. He's just kind of like shuffling around. He would be awesome if Walter Mato is a kickass fighter and maybe like Grumpield men was called Grumpield awesome fighters. And he like new drunken style and taught a...

He and his style is pretty awesome. He and Jack Lemon kung fu fought for Anne Margaret. For like two hours. It's the whole movie. That would be pretty great. It would be terrible. That would be a terrible movie. So, you were gonna say something Stuart? No, I was trying to get you back on track. He crazed you guys. Okay, well anyway, for some reason that I can't quite figure out what happened.

Oh, no, I'll say. So there's this one lead villain vampire because there's always one lead vampire. Yeah, I've got it from Dark City. Played by Rufus Sule. Rufus Sule. Everyone's most forgettable or something with charisma who I will say again like Ben

is probably Australian he's probably Austrian you know what let's just say he's Austro he's he's Austro-relation about that yeah I mean I I I liked dark city and that's about it I gotta say again I saw him on stage in London and he was not very good. And I saw him on stage on Broadway in New York and he was great. A really thing. He was in Tom Stopper's rock and roll. Yeah. He was really fantastic in it.

And it's again, like to see it's rare when you see the first I've heard of it. I apologize. I didn't bring this up earlier. Conflict of interest. I saw him in play once. I liked it. This Tom Stopper. I didn't bring those up earlier. Conflict of interest. I saw him in play once. I liked it. This Tom Stopper. Sounds like it made up name to me.

Tom is Stopper. You put him in a bottle and he makes things not poor out of it. It's weird to see a movie like this where it's a really dumb stupid movie. And you've seen both of the lead actors, the hero and the villain, in plays that you liked a lot. And they were good at it. It's got a good supporting cat. I mean, like, I mean, I like Alan Tudyk. Yeah, he's barely in.

He's wasted, but he's in it. And Mariela is more time-in-stead. It plays Mary Todd Lincoln, and I like her. They don't give much to do. I liked her in the four-mitch and Scott Pilgrim. I liked her in Deathproof. I think that she is not gross looking at actress. She's not gross looking at you.

And I think she's cute. Yes, that's true. There it is. That's what I was reaching for. Yeah. You like to think of me as Purvisoid number one. But the best I can say about her is I think she's cute. Yeah, maybe that says more about her than about you.

Like would you rather just just panting around in a thong slingshot bathing suit, Dan? Would I rather that would you prefer? Would I rather that than watching Abraham Lincoln vampire? Yes, that would be a great way. Not historically accurate. That type of bathing suit was not invented till the 1880s. That would be filed under that would be filed under... Checkmate. That would be filed under Goofs on the IMDB page.

Goofs. Mary Todd spends much of the movie and a wicked weasel sling bathing boots costume, which was not invented in the 1860s. Fair enough. Goofs, Abraham Lincoln is played by a topless woman. Goofs, Abraham Lincoln is shown fighting vampires. When in reality, he fought no vampires. Goof vampires don't really exist.

That's what the IMDV vampires want you to think. Continuity errors. In this scene, Abraham Lincoln is seen fighting a vampire. And in this scene, he's seen not fighting a vampire. But that's not a continuity error. That's just different scenes, IMDV. So there's a point where he gets in a big fight with like the boss vamp. He gets invited to go to the boss vampire's house. And he goes there and sees a ball where vampires

are just killing black people. And it turns out slavery is, I guess, some kind of plan by vampires to have people on hand that they can eat. Yeah, the idea is like you can just buy food. But they don't seem to have any problem finding people to kill the past thousand years. Yeah, I know. But it's just a stupid way of making Confederates into slaves. It's a very elaborate metaphor to explain to us why slavery is bad,

which it seems like is the movie doing homework it doesn't need to do. I'm sure. You know, a movie, I'm ready, the vampire thing is a little hard to buy, but I'm ready to buy into the idea that slavery is a bad thing. I'm on board with that already. You know what, I think the year is 2012, movie came out, it was the, is this year last year? Last year I think.

So 2011, I think America is ready. So it was a script or early this year. America is just ready to take it for granted that slavery is no good. Yeah. Yeah. Finally. So it gets set up into this Abraham Lincoln versus Rufus so well, battle of cat and mouse across the decades. Because Abraham Lincoln said there are other ways

to kill vampires, all become president, stop slavery, and that will stop the vampires. Yeah. A much simpler way of going about it. Rather than killing all the vampires, our me, I'll merely, this is a plan that involves me, a backwoods country lawyer who also is a vampire hunter becoming presidents of the United States.

Reminds me of like, you and I have talked about this. When we saw the trailer for National Treasure books of secrets, a book of secrets. Yeah. Where's the cinema expression? It's like, National Secrets book of fire. I need to look at, I need to look at the president's book of secrets. Yeah, where's the cinema expression? It's like national secrets book of. I need to look at I need to look at the president's book of secrets. And both of us when we saw the trailer, they're like, Oh, Nicholas Cage is going to become president. He's going to run for president. No, he's just

going to kidnap the president, disappointing. That's less fun. Real. So we get this super quick montage of Lincoln rising through the ranks of politics until there's literally old age makeup slowly up. Shitty old age makeup, the dumbest scene in the movie which is him striding out to give I guess is a inaugural address with stovepipe hat full Lincoln beard black suit just slow motion walking towards the camera with this Grim look in his face and it looks like something out of a fucking like funnier die Online video, you know, it's really lame anyway the Civil War starts as it did in real life with this time wait what Jefferson Davis makes a deal with vampires that sounds like that ass what

and vampire troops start fighting the the Northern Union so at Gettysburg I guess this is where they unveil them picket charge happens like we know it did. The Picket's Charge is decimated by Cannon Shot and Bullets. And then they get back up, oh no, the Bullets didn't kill them and they turn invisible and then they rush the Union troops and kill them all. Ah, Vampire Soldiers, you can't kill them. So the Union troops should have known something was up when all the Confederate guys have fucking sunglasses on. That's the other thing.

In this movie, vampires can go out in the sun as long as they're wearing sunglasses and sunscreen. They all have a sun like ultraviolet. That's what you're saying. Basically, they have a sun lotion they can put on, you know. And we were wondering why the vampires even were at the battle at all. Why didn't they just show up at night

and kill everybody when they came to the room? Why didn't they go to Washington and kill Lincoln? Like, what's the why bother to do this? I don't understand, like, this movie, this movie has a brats-esque time gap in the middle where Lincoln puts down his axe and becomes president. And picks up his 10-year political career. Just like, wait a minute.

Did the vampires forget who Lincoln was in between time? The real battle was very busy during that time he was like Things going on Yeah, he had to replenish his supply of like, you know, extras that are vampires I'm going to I'm going to stop that Abraham Lincoln and take over the nation just as soon as I finish watch it Refinished reading all of the tokens you'veile I've never picked up the Silmarillion I you know I've had it on my shelf for years. It's finally time to sit down and read it All these works of Dickens

All right old curiosity shop page one Chapter one page one and I'm loud it's gonna take a breath. I'm gonna read aloud. I'm gonna have to wait for it. Okay done with that. Now onto little Dorith. Paid by the word he was. So yeah, he takes along, he waits for Lincoln to get into position.

But so what it's this dumb thing where that's the problem with the movie is that The idea of singular problem one well many problems to the movie But one of the problems with the story is that rather than letting the existence of vampires distort history in a way that You have the same historical figures, but their lives have changed because these vampires they keep to the real historical record fairly closely in some ways. So like instead of vampires attack and Lincoln instead of becoming president like leads

an army or something like that or Lincoln is president, but that means the vampires attack the north and attack DC instead of going through the battles of Gettysburg and you know, Vicksburg and stuff like that. They're like, well well the same stuff happened but there was a vampire's there but why would vampires bother doing that yeah well vampires didn't i can i can stretch my belief to accept that there's vampires but what i can't stretch my belief is that u.s history happened in the exact same fashion with

vampires there yeah what's similar to how like um... the uh... the books like the anodracula books that, who is it, Kim Newman, is that his name, wrote where it's like history goes off in this other tangent because Dracula is real and he introduces vampires to the world. And there's some events that are similar like World War One, but they don't have an exactly the same because there's vampires involved. But we're here.

It's like, well, I guess if you introduce vampires into american history be pretty much the same there's really no difference between a world of vampires and world without vampires pretty much the same if you introduce mummies, mur people, whatever the fuck you know the same way there's our underwater mummies those are the grossest mummies so it's so like because the the wrapping is just absorbed water, you get really disgusting. See weed wrapping. Oh, see a seaweed mummy, as a murmur mummy,

is a pretty good idea. I like that. A murmur, mate. Very good skin, though. A murmur made. Wrapped in seaweed. Yeah, they just got great pores. Delicious.

Yeah, they top dollar wrap. And for some reason, they still put cucumbers on their eyes. So Lincoln comes up with an idea literally and oh and also Lincoln's son is killed by a vampire. Uh, that happened. His other, his son did and his one of the things were like, his one of his sons, I mean, all of his children except one died before they reached adulthood, two died during Lincoln's lifetime. One of them died was he was in the White House so the movie says that's his only son

And as a Lincoln aficionado, he must have really loved that this movie made vampires ought to be the culprit Yeah, that made it the made the his made the tragedy so ironic It was so not tragic when his son just died of cholera It was so much more tragic when a vampire Vixen dressed as a maid did it And so then married because Mary Todd can't of cholera. It was so much more tragic when a vampire vixen dressed as a maid did it. And so then married, because Mary Todd can't shoot cholera with a sword from a tiny sword from her son's toys. She can shoot a vampire vixen.

Are you giving her a head of yourself though? There's, yeah. Well, there's not much more to go through. That's true. But Lincoln is literally... Lincoln realizes, I have... Lincoln's like, oh, how am I gonna stop these vampires? And he's eating with Mary Todd and he's like, oh, and he I gonna stop these vampires? And he's eating with Mary time.

And he's like, oh, and he's waving his fork around. And then he looks at the fork and he goes, of course, this is what we need. Silver. And he's like, well, good thing he was eating fuckin' dinner when he was talking about it or he never would have remembered

that silver kills vampires. Even though his axe has silver on it. And that's how he kills vampires with- He's a very professional vampire killer. He wrote it down in his journal. You can just read that anytime. Oh, that's right. The whole time. His resume reads,

Raeal Splitter, vampire killer president. Like you should have recalled that from his skills. Not a lot of breaks in that, uh, that job. No, we never want to see too many empty spaces in a resume. Special skills. See above vampire hunting. Objectives, vengeance, ridding world of vampires. Where do you see yourself in five years have with

a beard proficient in vampire killing and Microsoft Excel so they take all the silver in the country and melt it down and in the dumbest ploy they link in and his friend Josh was speed and his friend his other friend is the little Johnson will Johnson staff a train just the three of them and decided they're

gonna I guess ride it to the south. This train full of silver bullets. I guess hoping they run over some vampires on the way and no they'll ride it into the reactor in the south and it'll enough. I don't know because once they blow up the reactor all the slaves will power down and the South will be defenseless I'm gonna be think it's full of silver, but it's a decoy. Well first it's a it's attacked by a ton of vampires It looks like Joshua's speed his best friend who we literally shared a bed with but not in a gay way or may have been All the stuntmen in the sky were there looks like he but looks like he betrayed them and a ton of vampires are jumping on the train And we learn the thing what we learned with the movie Legion, which is that I guess when it's one person against one monster It's very hard to kill that monster when it's one person against dozens of monsters

They just fall like flies and like most of them fall for the same trick like they just run right into his axe Is that thing where he spins the axe around they just default on dead? They every time they don't see his axe they assume he's dropped it or maybe they maybe they made up the fact that he had an axe and they Imagined that no axe to the face. I would think after a while they'd start carrying axes or something, or guns. Well, it's the same thing as in like, in so many things where it's like vampires only use their teeth and their claws. Yeah. But like, just pick up a gun, guys. Like apron, apron, apron, it's a regular guy. You just, you know what, ended up killing Abraham Lincoln? A bullet in the head. Like, spoiler alert. Spoiler alert for for history You don't need any magic and will Johnson is friend is taken out tons of vampires too

It turns out you just need to be a dude turns out vampires things a very close range weapon That's true. What kind of dice would you roll for that Stewart? For a thing. Yeah. What's the size category of the Empire? Regular okay, that's only a four-sided-sided dot okay so that's barely nothing barely anything you know that i can do much damage so roofas all gets them there on a bridge that's on fire the train is falling down roofas all is like i've got you link in i've got you and then he finds the train is just full of rocks

joshu a speed snooker them it turns out you know you know from that giant fake beard he was wearing all the fakeest beard you've ever seen. Let's take a note to to avoid without that. This movie has the fakeest beards you've ever seen in a movie. I think they'll just dip their chin in glue and then just rub their face against the yak. Like I think the beard budget for this movie must have been like ten bucks they leave the extra glue on their face to make them look all old and right yeah yeah dries on there like old skin

stretch their face and they use like one of those air air there's hair dryers to stretch it out that's a perfect yeah whatever you saying anyway so it's in a play stolen directly from the movie the road warrior This train was a decoy. There was only rocks on it for weight, I guess and Meanwhile, how's the how's the silver bullets getting to the getting to the soldiers in the south? There was a different there was a different railroad during that time Which is what they say because it turns out Mary Todd has been leading the underground railroad and all these Mary Todd has been leading the underground railroad and all these freed slaves I guess came up to the north and then got silver bullets and then brought them back to the south It the geography doesn't really work out for why the underground railroad would be an efficient way to carry bullets

Especially since plan fantasy simple. It's an intricacies. I wish that they just gone There's more than one railroad in the United States and Lincoln could have said yeah We have a huge advantage over the South in just the number of railroads and the miles of track we've laid. We have more than one train and then just cut to another train zooms by them. And Rufusula shakes his hand at it and goes, oh!

Infrastructure! Infrastructure! You've got me again. We vampires know nothing of planning, physical plans development. But anyway, so the freed slaves have smuggled silver bullets there's no nothing of planning, physical plans development. But anyway, so the freed slaves have smuggled silver bullets to the Union soldiers. They shoot all the sunglasses wearing Vampire Johnny Rebs and Lincoln kills Rufusuel by

literally wrapping the chain of a silver pocket watch around his hand and then just punching him so hard his heart comes out. Yeah, he says, uh, give me your silver and he goes, okay, right here and punches and kills with it. Yeah, and then, uh, is this the train is like stumbling along the tracks? Maybe this right before and Will Johnson and Lincoln might as well have been going, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, as they're like running across a train. Oh, there's, it's like, it enters lethal weapon territory here. Where it's like, Mel Gibson and Danny Glover just like, like, okay, on three-week jump,

one, two, three, jump explosion goes off. I'm going to roll for this. This is real. This is beyond Looney Tunes level of zaniness. Like, there's like, you got Rufus Soular, like there's a flaming train. There's flaming uh... Strap bridge holding up the train Rufusool is going down below like kicking out

flaming struts. Yeah. It's like you have 70 cents. Not putting a lot of effort into it. Lincoln is on top of the train going whoa and then he like leaps off of one train car and then onto another train car, which is like skidding and like shooting out sparks, and then there's a point where they're like, they're bouncing like on a bounce beam,

a flaming bounce beam that they're walking across, and it is the craziest fucking thing I've ever seen. But it's crazy in a really dumb way. Unlike the fight between Lincoln and the man who killed his mother, where they're running across the backs of stampeding horses. We're looking at horses that each other and you're... I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say, I've enjoyed that scene a lot and I thought it was fun.

This train scene was a not- It was a short film, I would enjoy it. Yeah, it was a short film called Lincoln Fight so it's like vampire with some horses. I love that. I think that was one of Thomas Edison's first fights. The sneeze, the kiss, and then Lincoln fighting a vampire with some horses, and then a trip to the moon.

I know that wasn't really an Edison film don't write in everybody. So they still still an early example of film art. They saved the nation from vampires and it turned out earlier that Henry Lincoln's mentor is a vampire who was made a reluctant vampire and is turned against the vampire kind to help save them by teaching people to become Vampire hunters because vampires can't kill other vampires. So I'm still a bit made up reason. And so he says to Abe Lincoln Abe Lincoln literally finishes writing the story in his journal and then we won the war the end question mark or was it and Henry goes Let me make you a vampire so we can fight for humanity forever. And he says something like there are more threats

out there than vampires, which is like, so is this gonna be like Abe Lincoln? There's other ways to be immortal than that. Like he says that, but Henry says there's more threats. And you think like Abe Lincoln, Minotaur Hunter,

Abe Lincoln, Harpy Hunter, Abe Lincoln, Chupa-Cover Hunter, Abe Lincoln, Dekaiju Hunter, you know. But instead he goes, no, no, there's other ways to be immortal Abe Lincoln, Chupa Covra Hunter, Abe Lincoln, Dekai Ju Hunter, you know, but- Horns options.

Instead he goes, no, no, there's other ways to be immortal by which he means history, I guess. And his wife says, because we know it's the end of an Abe Lincoln movie, Mary Todd has to say the thing that she's gonna say at the end of Lincoln movies, Abe, we're going to be late for the theater. And these tickets are non-refundable. We're seeing our American cousin at Ford's theater

You know in the box and John Wilkes Booth might stop by to pull a bullet in your brain And then you'll die. Okay, Abe, so hurry up. I'll be right there Mary I'll be right there. Have you seen my hat? Where's my hat? And then he goes off to the theater. I can't be shot without a hat He goes off to the theater for the it was be shot without a hat. He goes off to the theater for the, it was my opinion one of the most tragic moments in American history. And just to be honest, emotionally or for a moment, I read a lot of books about Lincoln and every time I get up to that point, there's part of me that wants to like reach into the book and pull him out

so that he can't get shot. Makes me really sad. Anyway. That's maybe the sweetest thing I've ever heard. And I mean that honestly. Really? It just makes me cry every time. But anyway, and it happened in real life, so it's okay to cry about it. That's maybe the sweetest thing I've ever heard and I mean that honestly really It just makes me cry every time but anyway, and it happened in real life. So it's okay to cry about it It's not like when I cried the iron giant words a cartoon But uh, you're like oh that iron giant look at it. His head is rolling through the Arctic and screws coming at that point

I cry out of enjoy. Yeah He's gonna be back But when he says when he hears the boy when he sees here's hogar saying you are who you choose to be and he says superman and then sacrifices life no but that's also a great that's a different kind of joy like i both of them are like cry for joy for that i cry at a sadness no but you're but but you're crying for you saying you're crying from joy when Lincoln gets no i cry for sadness when Lincoln gets shot but you're crying for sacrifice that you're crying from joy when Lincoln gets no I'm high for sadness when Lincoln gets shot but but you're crying for sacrifice that you're crying for someone doing something it's yeah that is great

like a dark night right things yeah exactly to it to also be sort of serious like a lot of tools to be a move away to also be sort of serious I remember reading I think it was Roger Ebert who said something like the older he got like the more he cried not at things that were sad, but he cried when people behave very well. Oh, well, that's not what I do. You know, like, I just like the idea, like, I think that as you grow older,

you realize like how infrequently, like things turn out for the best and how valuable it is when someone, like, is truly selfless. That's really depressing. But that's more moving to you than like, oh, this depressing thing happened. Like you learned to deal with depressing things,

but you were truly moved by the bread and butter to do something more. That's an interesting point. Maybe, but anyway, the point is Lincoln's gonna die. But the point is this is a comedy podcast. So let's get that out. Talk is, this is a comedy podcast. So let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, let's, Oh boy boy were you crying Adam Joy Anyway, so Lincoln goes and dies and then we hear his narration We hear his narration about how history will not know about the truth about him and we go to the present day and

Suddenly we're in a bar this similar bar to where Henry met Lincoln and uh-oh, Henry's about to meet another person in the modern time, another vampire hunter, I guess, and maybe, just maybe, another president of the United States of America, credits. Yeah. So this is a movie that's a... It's a cycle, that's the thing. This is a movie that takes, that takes itself's a thing. This is a movie that takes that takes itself very seriously

It's like Cowboys and aliens where it seems to refuse to admit that this is a goofy premise that it's dealing with and But rather than try to earn that seriousness It just kind of takes it for granted that the audience is with it and it is wrong to take it for granted because we're not It's really stupid. Well, it's a movie that seems to have forgotten that it's selling itself on the fact that it's mashing up two things in the title. Yeah. A title that people are gonna read and be like,

oh, okay. Yeah. Sounds goofy. Why is this so somber? And it's not a well-made movie. Like it's really flashy, but like in a distracting way. It moves too fast. We don't know the characters.

The special effects look fakey. Everything's shot in the same like bland, one color at a time style, you know? And it was originally 3D? Maybe. No, I don't know. I feel like everything's originally 3D now. Yeah.

I mean, it originally was before it was caught on camera. Ha ha ha. Turned into a two-dimensional film image. But it's one of the- Fun fact. When this book first came out, it really bugged me. Because like I was saying earlier, the awesomening up of Lincoln seems unnecessary to me. Like, Abe Lincoln is not made cooler by making him a kickass vampire kung fu fighter.

It's what he did was so amazing, and he's such an amazing person, that it kind of detracts from him to turn him into an action figure, but the movie is so dumb, and so, like, not good, it's hard for me to be mad at it. It would be like being mad at, like,

a dog that keeps bumping into a wall, forgetting the wall dirty. Like, there's obviously a problem with that dog. Let's have pity on it rather than hating it. Sure. So you're saying if the movie just stuck with Abraham Lincoln as a kung fu fighting president, you would have been okay. No.

You didn't need the vampires. No. What I'm saying is let's just make a movie about Abraham Lincoln for himself. We'll call it Lincoln. We'll have John Williams write the shittiest score he's ever written. And Daniel DeLewis will be in it and everyone will overpraise his performance, but overall it'll be a good, enjoyable movie. What if they just made a movie about a kung fu fighting vampire hunter who just ironically, because it, you know, it's pretty ironic, but he had the same name as the president.

That would be fine with me. He's called Abraham link and he doesn't like it because people make jokes about his name all the time yeah and he's like a like a horrible liar and he's also really short that's the thing people expect a tall guy when they hear brim link and he's actually quite short like puck from alpha flight everybody has the same beard yeah same beard same hat and and he's played by Peter dinklage let's's just get that out there. He has to be. It's at 20 years in the future from now. So everybody drives

space cars. In the year 2032. Everyone drives space cars. The library has been over for a long time. No space cars. Scratch that. They all fly around and rocket boots. Cars have been destroyed. And Kung Fu has been forgotten. And so he has to rediscover some ancient scrolls of Kung Fu to fight vampires who, in this future, don't bite people, they bite computers. They bite computers with their electroteeth and suck money out of them.

We call it Midget Abraham Lincoln, Robo Vampire Killer with Rocket Boots, in the 23rd century. It's, cause they changed the century numbering system ten years from now i hate to interrupt your pitch for running long so let's uh... go to our final judgments this is a good bad movie a bad bad movie or movie kind of like to edit what do you think bad bad movie but if you can go up on youtube and see the horse fighting scene i'd recommend that scene uh... i would say that the bad bad movie i actually kind of

hated this movie. This movie made me angry just because like this is they put no effort in making you care about any of the characters and it is as I said the problem of like let's make everything awesome and it is awesome in the most surface irritating uh... unsatisfying way that you can imagine yeah uh... no yet bad bad movie uh... i thought things were looking up when there was a topless dead prostitute but uh... you're not that was yet that was just the high point of

the labor store was the brief shot of a topless dead prostitute and there is it i thought i don't even know that she's a prostitute by the way just a woman who's dead and topless and i thought i don't even know that she's a prostitute by the way just a woman who's dead and topless and i thought it was looking up later on when uh... the the hero a bram link and gets saved by his friend uh... who's writing a horse-drawn carriage who drives it through a house window and then like the skids on some blood skids on the way and uh... and and and knocks the vampire of the vampire

rest who's sitting on top of him. Yeah, it's awesome. So so bad bad movie. Dan, mailbag. Before we run to the mailbag, just on behalf of all of my comedy are comedy collective friends, I want to say that Tom Segura is doing it an hour-long comedy special December the 4th at Flapper's Comedy Club in Burbank. One day after my birthday, go to Burbank and celebrate my birthday there. If you want to be on the guest list for said show, if you're in the Burbank area, email Tom at Tomse at me.com. That's all one word?

Yes. With how many tickets you want and write December 4 in the subject line. And there you go. And just on the note of other podcasts on the network, I would say why don't folks check out many van men with our friend Al Madrigal or as fans of the show might know him. Al Madrigal. AKA Al Madrigal.

I don't know where they would have gotten that idea. Um, me, Van Men rated R. But now, uh, let's move on to the flop house movie Mel Bag. We don't have time for a song, so I'll just sing one later in your dreams. This one is from Haral last name with Held. He says, dear flop house and cat. I'm just writing to which cat he's talking about. Well, we're all bunch of cool cats. I'm just writing to express my appreciation of the flop crew

and cat for helping ease a recent transatlantic fly-backed. For some reason the stewardesses were giving away a free booze and the man sitting next to me immediately chugged half a dozen beers at which point the stewardesses seeing his seat back pouch bulging with crushed cans cut them off then spent the eight hours alternating between haranguing me by the importance of backing up digital files and complaining that the stewardesses wouldn't give him more cores light i got a story dude who was why i was to steward i got to say as far as a bledron drunks to deal with just telling you to back up

your files is pretty best case scenario. He kept talking to me even when I pretended to sleep and the only movies available were battleship and 1000 words. Oh, luckily I had your podcast on the same movies and was thus able to escape into a magical world of flop cats and words that sound like other words, until the plane landed. Thanks again. That's from Haral last name. Thank you very much for listening and writing in.

We're glad we could help make that unpleasant situation a little less unpleasant. It seems strange though, if they're giving out free booze, so this guy got tanked on Kurs Light, which is a lighter beer. You think you would be drinking like liquor? He did have six of them, it sounds like. That's still not enough.

Oh, really? I think it's weird that they just kept giving him cans and he would just shove them into the pocket. Like, that's a lot. That's a lot of cans to get my- Yeah, like you're stuffing them under a rug or something. Dan? This next email is from Danny of the Thor's House of Thunder

podcast, he says. Oh, that it's a Norse podcast. Yeah, he says, dear Stuart Dan and Elliot in order of how tall you are. Yeah, they saved the best for last. Oh, wait. Wait, tall we sound. Accurate. And I'm last.

Yeah. But I've got the, I've got the voice of a man ten times my life. No, it doesn't work, sorry. They call me giant voice. No, it doesn't work, sorry. They call me giant voice. Hello, down there. Danny says, my roommate happens to own a copy of Invisible Maniac. What do you?

I finally got around to watching it. I found it as awesomely ridiculous as Stuart had made out to be, and it's full of gratuitous nudity as Dan had described. The one thing neither of you had prepared me for, however, was how incredibly low the production values were. While this just added to the charm, I'm still wrapping my head around why that video box cover photo shoot looks like it must have cost more to produce than the entire film. I asked my roommate why he owned this film, and he explained that he was walking down the street one day,

and came upon a cardboard box full of VHS tapes, including this one, which seems to be the most proper way to come into possession of this film. Cheers, Danny! PS, I'd like to request Elliot and make up even longer songs for the mailbag. Those are great, especially because of Dan's exasperated reactions. Yeah, it's a two-man bit. We don't have time this time, but next time, I'll make sure I do an extra long one,

like the Inagata DeVito of mailbag songs. Or the, you know what? The thick is a brick of mailbag songs, both sides. Yeah, I'm, every day I go walking down the street, I hope that I'm gonna pass the cardboard box with a copy of VHS copy of the visible maniac in it. I'm going to pass the cardboard box of the copy of VHS copy even visible maniac in it. I want to. Looks like he stole your dream. Danny stole your dream. Danny's roommate stole my dream. Danny's roommate stole your dream. I want a DVD copy of invisible maniac, but they would have to issue one. Sure. I

would like a fucking blue ray version. You know what? I'd like a holiday adventure where you can be the invisible maniac and shoot him with a Tommy gun You sure like homes in the gangster era Fair enough This is from John last name withheld he says I'm just gonna assume it's one John one. It's titled DeMarthel instant humility Hey flop house you guys are great. Hey, thanks my wife and I are big fans and I've learned a bit about cinematography by listening to your podcast. I don't understand that. Yeah. No, no, no. Mostly we just say things look boring. Everyone is allowed to have artists on

their playlist. They're a bit ashamed of liking. Mine is Alannis Morissette. What movies do each of you like but are slightly ashamed of liking I don't mean the ones you know are bad and revel in liking but the ones you feel slightly uncomfortable admitting you actually really unironically respected oh respected because I was like R.O.C. and the USA says yeah I'm glad he signed off the proper way R.O.C. and the USA to you too my friend I mean the movies are most embarrassed about liking or like you know cinemas bikini movies I guess but that doesn't seem to be what he's asking. No you think I the ones that you actually like but have a slight

twin you're not just watching for the boners. Oh okay. Just a heart boner maybe a brain boner. I've got one I brain boner's with John Dutero. I've got one that I brain boners with John Deterra. I've got one that I'll I will admit that I I came into possession of a Best Buy gift certificate recently and I spent part of it purchasing a blue ray of Neil Marshall's Doomsday a film that I enjoy much more than I feel like the general public does. The general public thinks of it as kind of a weird...

But there's no shame in that. John Carpenter trashy knockoff, whereas I'm like, hey, a John Carpenter trashy knockoff. And I enjoy that movie quite a bit. Yeah, I mean, as somebody who also owns Doomsday, I mean, I appreciate it for Ronomitra's ass and pants, which the trailer suggested. Yeah, suggested. Yes, but you would see a woman's ass fully clothed.

It showed her from the front and pants and the narration said, want to guess what's on the other side you'll find out in doomsday See the back of this Oh, man, it's tough like I'm sure if I went through my DVD collection there'd be a bunch of movies in there that I'd be slightly embarrassed by owning There'd be yeah, I have to assume I have something like that but like it's hard for me to think of a movie that I'm Embarrassed about liking a little bit because I'm willing to do No shame Well kind of when it comes to movies like if I like something I like it and

I if I maybe I'll defend it be feel defensive other people are attacking it, but like there's no There it's hard for me to think of a movie that's like a real what they would call a guilty pleasure We're like I feel guilty when I watch it or anything no no but I I have movies that I even if I watch trash and I enjoy it like it's still no there's a difference between like guilty pleasure and I have movies where I actually think that this is legitimately like a movie that

is worthy of enjoyment but other people don't agree with me and and I'm on the defensive a little bit about it. Like another love in the mouth of madness. That's kind of that situation. Another one that comes to my mind is, I have in my DVD collection, Shanghai Nights. Yeah, that's true. Okay, there, that fits that.

People are big fans. Like, it's weird. People really like Shanghai noon But for whatever reason they're like Shanghai nights. I don't know Whereas I'm like no, I really enjoy that movie. I think that is the feel good comedy of 2002 like I'm gonna make an argue with you on that one. Yeah, I don't remember any 2002 comedies at the end, you know like they they're like, you got a Owen Wilson and and and Jackie Chan fighting Tommy Carcetti.

Come on. And Big Ben. What's wrong with that? They're fighting a guy named Big Ben. He's a big fan named Ben. They're fighting the guy who played Tommy Carcetti in the wire in. Wait, they're inside the bell because Big Ben is the name of the bell. Not the clock.

The fucking Victoria Tower, whatever it's called now it's called the Elizabeth tower yeah because they named it after the current queen to read I was just saying like I mean I bought hot tub time machine mainly because it reminds me of ski of ski patrol and ski school I guess I would say like maybe like old movies that are kind of that are pretty racist, but I still enjoy them. So like there's an edgy Robinson movie called The Hatchet Man where he is a Chinese assassin for a tongue and every character every background character is a real Asian person.

And every main character is obviously a white person in yellow face. And like it's pretty objectively racist, but like I still enjoy it as like a film noir set in a different not a film war like a melodrama set in a different setting the normal Nendra Jirabson is good in it you know or a day at the races where they have a a set piece called all god's own got rhythm it's that's such a terrible scene though like you can take that out of the movie and it would make it a better movie not even because of the racism just because it makes no sense the idea that Harpo is this magic sprite that makes black people dance You know is and the marks mother's put black face on for like two seconds and they wipe it off as quick as possible

Like you know that they were like this is not cool. Yeah, they did it anyway Last letter especially the hatchet man Last letter of Especially the Hatchet Man. Last letter of the evening tonight. I don't know why I'm saying the evening tonight, because you could be listening to this podcast at any time. Maybe you're listening to a lunch. You should listen to it at 8am.

You should really listen to it tonight, because it's sex here at night. Yeah. Awesome. This is the awesome episode, okay? Yeah. If this was a space ghost episode, the title would be awesome. This is the awesome episode. Okay, so if this was a space ghost episode, the title would be awesome. Some quick thoughts and it's from David Ellie's brother last name with

Who will save me from this turbulent brother? Howdy floppers. I know I was I feel like he is officially our arch nemesis now and then when he says howdy floppers, it's like the Joker just sent a recording to Commissioner Gordon's office. Hello commissioner. Perhaps we'll play a little game. Oh, but like you're reading this letter. Like the letters written in blood or something. Yeah, it has an ear in it. Yeah, so howdy floppers. I know I specifically told not to write in how did I get into your system? I was told not to write in about the Pittsburgh pirates. Please don't but if you leave a piece of bait hanging on the hook like that Of course, I'm going to nibble. I'll keep it short though. There is no nickname whatsoever for the pirates fanbase that I'm aware of in any way

I will say however that PNC Park, the pirate's home stadium is my absolute favorite ballpark that I've been to in the majors. The statutes Elliott mentioned are actually pretty impressive, particularly the one beyond left field of Roberta Clemente. I agree though that it would have been pretty awesome if statues would come to life in the movie because one of the statutes is just a cast of Hall of Famer Ralph Kinier's hands holding a baseball bat. And it is the silliest statue I've ever seen in a major league park, and I've seen a lot of them. Yeah, his dream is to go to SC every major league sports team in its home stadium.

So I'm very curious as to what would have happened if a random pair of hands had come to life. Would they have caused a ruckus with that baseball bat and been able to move around independently? I mean, a lot of things from the Adams family, or would they have just laid on the concrete bleeding like an actual chopped off hands? But in addition, I was excited. In addition. I was excited by the discussion of fictional movies we would all want to see. The way it's disappointed that not only that Elliot picked picture movie that only he would pick for obvious reasons

but that you did not mention my first choice or at least not directly you did bring up several of the movies to a twig McClure start in on the Simpsons however my personal choice would have been leper in the backfield they show you a little clip of that he catches the ball and his arm falls off in real life that movie would have been right with possibilities says David Kaelin last name with so is David like a co-host now what's the deal I don't understand he's answering letters to other people he's the character but then he took part in a little bit of like a bit that someone else asked us he is the character I didn't realize all this time I thought the character but what Elliott doesn't know is the character. I didn't realize all this time. I thought the corrector But what Elliott doesn't know is the corrector is actually his brother David

Yeah, you're like his long lost brother. You're like those stupid twin Superiors we talked about before where they need I don't remember which one is that oh fucking now Factor, I don't know like North Star and the other and No, but they don't need each other. I don't think So well thanks Dave for writing in if only for the image of two hands suddenly coming to life and just bleeding out That would be horrific Yeah, the people coming out who normally put the tarp over the field just putting a tarp over these big bloody hands So wait when they came to life they they'd be like flesh and blood,

or were they gonna be like the breath or the fucking baby? I imagine to be like, yeah, they're just living statues. They don't come to flesh and blood life, because then you'd have these baseball players being like, where am I? How did I get here? Or maybe they're just like, they've just been born

and they have the bodies of adult baseball players, but the minds of babies, you know, or something, and they're just like they've just been born and they have the the bodies of adult baseball players but the minds of babies you know something and they're just pooping all over themselves but I I assumed it was like you know like clockwork statues or something like that you know golems they'll be baseball golems like the face of sequences from heavenly creatures exactly and there's your movie to pitch baseball golem is it an adaptation of James terms comic the golems mighty swing no there was no real golem in that story this would be a real golem who plays baseball modern day sure they find the golem of Prague and he's defending defending a ghetto by playing baseball yes exactly they're gonna shut the ghetto

down if it doesn't win this charity baseball game and build a condo on it also to bikini ghetto it's called bikini ghetto. It's called bikini ghetto. Bikini ghetto meets the baseball golem. And can I be the evil land developer finally? You've got evil land developing strangler. You've got to be a Mickey work plays the golem. All right. So guys quickly before we go, let's go briefly recommend some movies that we saw recently or not so recently that we actually liked as a antidote to Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter. I like you brought that up as if you just came up with that idea.

Even though it's something we do every episode. Stewart, do you have a recommendation you'd like to put forth to Ploughhouse, Nathan? Fine. Yeah, no, I'll recommend I recently watched the Australian Torture Porn movie, The Loved Ones, and unlike a lot of, it's a little bit flashier, the cinematographies better than a lot of that type of stuff. The soundtrack is more interesting

uh... and it's quite beautiful and horrific at the same time so yeah it's pretty gross makes you want a bar and it's not the sixties movie the loved one no it's the loved ones because there's multiples and it's not the english sitcom the young ones no it's definitely not that and it's not the comic love is.

It might be. And it's not the TV show Love American style. It could be. And it's not the Sixies movie divorce Italian style. It probably is. Okay, then I think we figured it out. So Stuart recommends divorce Italian style. It's gross and there's a lot of torture in it. So I would like to recommend, and I think that Stuart may be recommended this already. I don't know, but who cares? I'm going to recommend. The Raid, Colin, Redemption. I think somebody, well, maybe they didn't.

The Indonesian martial arts film. Crazy not to. If you want to see a movie where a guy punches his way through the well fire building the well-sterected indonesian was it well-sterective yeah the director's well-shabbily but it takes place in jacarta uh... you want to see movie work i punches away through the entire building

then this is a movie for you yeah uh... it is kind of funny by the way when you're talking about punches is way through building i realized that there's there comes a point in the middle of the movie where people stop shooting each other and they start punching each other. I'm like, I'm not sure why this switch ever happened. Why both sides agreed to just put the guns down and start fighting Kung Fu style. It comes apart about two-thirds of the movie where you're like, wow, they're really still

punching each other. It's really still punching. There's one fight scene in particular words two guys on one guy that goes on an amazingly long time that was the part your wife liked the best right yeah she didn't watch the movie I mean the part she liked best was that she didn't have to watch it speaking of wives though like I was enjoying this movie but I think that my wife enjoyed it almost as much Heering me react to the movie from the other room because there was a lot of like Oh my god, oh my god, so you really orgasmed over this movie huh?

Well, there's like there were some portable things To orgasms and there's a there's one scene in particular that has a suspense moment that I've never seen in a movie before That I'm not gonna say much, but involves a machete. Yeah, that's pretty good. All of us moments in a movie involve machetes. Set the movie machete, which is weird. Yeah, it's weird. What would you like things that are awesome?

The raid, the raid, calling redemption is for you. It's an awesome movie, and it's got raids and redemption. I'm going to recommend two things, a movie and a non-movie book. What? What? But don't worry, the book's about movies. It's just not a movie. Oh, fine.

The movie is one that I watched recently. That's, hey, surprise, it's a 30s musical comedy. Hey, what a surprise. It's a- Happy is millionaire, whatever the fuck we watch. It's what it is. It's a patterned boxer who raises crocodiles. It's called Boxer Crocodile. In the world of the past, this is an Ernst Lubich film called One Hour it's a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit of a bit's a lot of fun. It's very funny and it is a very strong example of a pre-code movie.

You know, before the production code came in, all the characters are talking about sex all the time. And it's basically a movie about a Frenchman trying to decide whether he should cheat on his wife or not when it seems like his wife is actively pushing him towards it inadvertently without knowing it. And there are a number of scenes, there's some funny songs in it and some very funny moments in it. And a lot of scenes where Maurice Vallier addresses the character directly, addresses the camera

directly in a way that is very, feels very modern and is very funny. And I liked a lot. It's a Lubech movie I've never really heard much about, but it's out on DVD called One Hour With You. I'd recommend that. And also, I'm going to go to the Flop House Book Club for a moment and recommend a book. Does it exist?

OK. A book for all you movie lovers out there called The Studio by John Gregory Dunn. In case you haven't read it, it's a book. John Gregory Dunn, the writer, former spouse of Joan Didian, current dead guy. Before he became a successful screenwriter himself, he basically said in the late 60s to Richard Zannock,

the vice president of 20th Century Fox, I want to write a book about your studio. Can I have total free access to every part of your studio for a certain amount of time, talk to anyone, just be anywhere and talk to anyone. They were like, yeah, sure, why not? And so he wrote this book with unfettered access to just about how a movie studio worked in the late 60s.

And it's really cool. It's a great snapshot of a time when the old guard of movies was changing, but the new guard hadn't come in yet. And from the old guard's point of view, which makes it even more valuable, because so many books now, I feel like are written from the point of view of the new Hollywood and not the old. And a lot of it is around the making of Dr. Dulittle and Planet of the Apes when both

those movies seemed like crazy risks. They thought Dr. Dulittle was going to be their big prestige hit and they thought Planet of the Apes was going to be this crazy movie about apes and had no idea which ones going to be successful or not. And so the studio by John Gregory Dunn, who according to Wikipedia, is the uncle of... Dominic Dunn, no, his brother Dominic Dunn and uncle of Griffin Dunn.

Wow. So after our star Griffin Dunn. And uncle of Dominic Dunn of Poulter Guys. Rodding corpse from American were with the indian driven the resets of itself i like riffin done in american were over the and then what's his uncle's book of like director director of that one weird romantic comedy with mega ryan and met you brought a rick

griffin done addicted to love yeah love? Yeah, that's it. Oh, I didn't realize that. Yeah, he turned it. And just like that guy, we're all done. Yeah, we are all done. Ha ha ha. I was bracking my brain to come with an awesome segue. There was just a great outline. Why are you still talking?

All right, before the flop house, I've been Dan McCoy. I'm steward Wellington. And I'll always be Elliot Kaelin, you can't change that. Goodnight everyone, all done. Yeah, so you get a little bit of Twin Peaks connection there. Boner files. People love boners. File this one in the boner files.

Mysterious cases about boners that can't be explained through ordinary explanations. The mysterious affair at boners. The erection is out there. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do bonus since then I've tried to prove the truth about bonus. Sure this is your character Fox bonus. I like him. And his and his sidekick bonus, Kelly. Let's do this hot. Of course there's FBI assistant director, boner and the boner smoking man. Very clever. Very clever, sir.