The Flop House - The Flop House: Episode #132 - Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters

Episode Date: August 10, 2013

The prequel to Teen Witch (we assume). Hansel & Gretel Witch Hunters was produced by Adam McCay, so it was clearly meant as a goof, but is that enough? Meanwhile, Elliott makes an indecent proposal, Dan reveals a startling breadth of knowledge regarding Misty Mundae's acting career, and Stuart lays down the pun laws. Also, the OP's receive the GREATEST GIFT IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND.

In this episode we discuss Hansel and Gretel Wichhunter's, because the brother's grim was such a success. Hey everyone and welcome to the flop house, I'm Dan McCoy. Hey everyone, welcome to the flop house, I'm Stuart Welligan. Hey everybody, greetings and welcome to the flop house. I thought you were going to say greetings. Take off your shoes. Yeah, Grito, welcome to the flop house. I thought you were going to say, please take off your shoes. Yeah, Grito, welcome to the flop house. This unit is Elliot Kalen. No blasters, etc.

Yeah, it's totally... Etc. Yes, and in me. You mirrored my energy and you tick it to another place. That's because Dan, you and I are two sides of the same coin. I'm your shadowy twin, your double. No, wait, you're the shadowy twin? Yeah, he's the Clark Kent, you're Superman.

Of the two of them. I mean, I think we're both pretty decent guys, but I feel like you are a shade decenter. I don't know about that. I think I'm less decent. Yeah, I mean you aren't wearing anything, so you are very indecent right now. Yep, I'm gonna make an indecent proposal. Okay, what is that, it's a movie. Um, I don't know. Come on. Maybe something like, we could like go eat at a diner

and then leave without paying the check. That is very indecent. A decent person would not do that. No, they did not even propose that. Dan's loving this. So what do we do here? What is this that we're listening to? This is a podcast.

So that's number one on the list. OK, so it's like a radio show on the internet. Yeah. Yeah, you downloaded it. It's like a movie in your mind. You downloaded it. Probably made a mistake accidentally downloading it. iPhone, your iPod, your Zoom.

You made the mistake of listening to Parade Magazine. And downloaded these three cackling morons. So there's that probably load up your pod, sat down on the beat. Your pot? Oh, I pod. Yeah. So once we've established this is a podcast. And what do we do on this podcast? What we do on this podcast? Daniel McKay is what? No, wrong? Is that we watch a movie and then we talk about it. But we don't do the movie part on the podcast. We already did that. it we watch it already a bad movie a bad movie usually and what did we watch tonight we watched a little movie called Hansel and Gretel colon which hunter wait they hunt colon which is like a witch that lives in your colon Before you're self-checked for cool and witches.

Hey guys, before we get into the movie, I'll see you. I'm just a bit on the agenda. We already finished our old business. We're into new business now. I'd like to set some house rules, if you will. After watching Marma Duke or Marma Pukes, as I call it, or Marma Blekick depending on if man magazine will give me money for uh... marmite duke depending on whether it's

australia i would like to say that unless we watch another movie about giant dogs no one's allowed to say doghouse who let the dogs out or blank blank to the dogs i mean i don't know that we need to do that what if the dogs do something great and i want to toast them I can't lift up my champagne flute and say to the dogs. I guess that's okay But you can't do that on the air or in the house. I'd have to be in someone else's house the dog house Wait, wait no sounds like dogs are really in the dog house sounds like stewards really going to the dogs See no go into the dogs. See, no way. Both love soft on the pieces.

A whole source of quite barking mad. He's barking up the wrong tree. I didn't even say you can say those. So those are my Humble request. We'll just put that down in the House Rules agreement. The dog house rules. No. The Cider House rules. Do you guys have any rules? Anything? I would love to make a rule that we the site or house rules uh... you guys anything uh... i would like to make a rule that we start talking about the fucking movie watch okay let's note that and put that in the notes alright

so it's can i get a second on that rule no uh... well we'll get that motion to i would like to submit a motion that we start talking about the movie motion carry motion carried great So we watched a movie Dan was the title. I said it already. It's hand-slung reddle colon Which hunters only I like Ghost hunters would be great. Yeah It takes a quiet historic story

We're ghost hunters. Yeah, it's true. Look it up. Look at up on you two ghost hunters. Anyway, Hanslengrattle, colon, ghost hunters, 3D. But we didn't watch it in 3D. No. Did you watch the extreme version? I'm not sure. Reading about the question mark. There are two different versions of the movie. I do not see any snowboarding or snowboard. Skateboarding is not extreme, Dan. That's just TREME at best. Snowboarding is X-TREME. What about rocket skateboarding? Yeah, sure. Like rocket racer would have?

We didn't see any of X-TREME, also known as Adam X. The third summer's brother. It's an X-Men reference. There was no Vin Diesel as triple X. The most extreme secret agent there is. Or was it an ice cube? One of the triple X's? Yeah, it was the second triple X the most extreme secret agent there is or uh wasn't wasn't ice cube one of the triple I'm yeah it was the second state of union he was state of the union wasn't it anyway which hunters let's

talk about it shall we so it takes the popular story of hands on Greta one turns it on its ear makes it an action farce it's part of this current trend of fairy tale movies that have been you know darkened up Had a twist on them such as no your snow white and the Huntsman's your Jack and the giant whatever's your You know baronstein three bears in the gold who watch killers your Country bears jimberies your you know little red riding slayer, your red riding hood, whatever the one we watched was. Remember the little red riding hood?

Oh, yeah, yeah. With the metal elephant that Gary Oldman put people in and they got steamed to death. Gary Oldman's best ever line reading, where a guy asked if he could touch his sword, and he went, no. As he looked away. So this is an in that run of

public domain characters that they already have a name value that audiences recognize but the studio doesn't have to pay anybody for the rights because who's going to see them the grim brothers come on the died like a hundred thousand years ago they were killed by which is or something less you want to make a movie where the brothers grim were like mommies and

people who are using their intellectual property. Why would they be mummies? I don't why not dude? Are there a lot other mummy movies out there? Yeah there's the mummy there's the mummy 3D and there's the mummy 5D through the portal in time. Anyway, Hansling Gretel ghost witch hunters rated R. There's mummy Derris.

It was really right. I think this version was they said fuck multiple times so i think you'd seen and there's a lot of blood yeah but yeah but there's two versions of the movie there's the regular version and the extreme version and i'm not sure which one we watched because it was pretty gory but there was a scene described in the extreme version in the wikipedia tree that i don't remember from it

so let's talk about the scenes that were in it shall we let's talk about the plot we begin our movie in media res as young Hansel and Gretel are being led into the woods by their Papa to be abandoned. Why origin story? We don't know, but they come upon a house made out of candy. They start eating it, the door opens, they go inside, uh oh, there's a witch in there. The witch captures them. Is forcing Honsled to eat candy, I guess, to fatten them up. Even though you really want to feed the kids like grass, something organic. Look, I'm just re-evident about it.

I want to take a moment and say, I'm not saying, I'm not saying, I'm just mass from just candy. I'm not saying that if I came across a house made of candy, I wouldn't eat a little bit of it. At the same time, the house is just like out in the woods Like you got to you got to expect like twigs and shitter stuck to that candy house It must melt terrible. It's like shit is all over the house Let me see a guy jogging around the streets of New York with a shirt off like you don't want to touch that guys all sweaty Yeah, it might be you'll spend your mouth like this story might as well

I'm starting with like Hansen riddle seeing a lollipop in the gutter and picking it up and eating it to be fair They were two children who had been abandoned and were very hungry so they may have eaten a lollipop out of the gutter True, I guess that's what you're saying is you've never truly known hunger You have been first world existence You've never been abandoned by appearance in the woods only to find a candy witch house. Anyway fairy tale people problems the woods only to find a candy witch house. Anyway, fairytale people problems, what you're trying to say. Yes, exactly.

Long story short, they managed to escape, and they killed a witch by shoving her in the fire. It's the Hansel and Gretel story. We all know and love. Now, years later, as the movie Kyron tells us, many years later, they are professional witch after a lengthy credits. There's a lengthy credit sequence.

It's all animated in which we see headlines from I guess like a 16th century newspaper That is announcing the various career escapades of Hansel and Gretel the famous witch hunt That's to tell us the viewer that the movie doesn't take itself to series got its tongue planted firmly in Cheek so far in its cheek that it actually went around to the other cheek Yeah, and the tongue tied itself up in knots And then it was like a self-french kiss Yeah, exactly a self-french kiss otherwise known as dance hole middle school years boom

anyway QI five sound effect and play it and Dan just edit in the high five sound effect later So but I kind of like didn't write across the table They're what we're lazy there was something about this headline montage that I liked it first because it's such a goofy idea And this movie is full of goofy ideas. This is a much silly more like Johnny dangerous leaders of the better I didn't want it that goofy. What is the minute? I wanted to because I didn't want to see like a parody

I wanted to see like a parody i wanted to see like a silly action movie did we get it well will find out fifteen years later constantly better our famous which hunters net and they go to a town where there they interrupt the sheriff played by peter stormer uh... always great speeders for their his loudest and somehow lazy is the same time must actually and must actually it is something about his performance this where he he uses probably three times as much energy as he used in Fargo and delivers one tenth the performance yeah but uh... anyway he's the only guy know who has to use more energy to phone in something but uh... they're in the middle

of trying to execute me not a young woman accused of witchcraft but the siblings interrupt by misty Monday. No, played by, I think, in Norwegian actress. No, that's too bad. You wanted it to be Misty Monday. Yeah, I blurred out just kind of squinted a little bit. And like Misty Monday, spoiler alert, you see her butt later. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

I mean, I'm the B page for Misty Monday when it says best known for, it just says her butt underneath. That's, I mean I've been checked but I believe that. I think Dan's the reigning sex expert on misty Monday out of Aaron Brown real name Aaron Brown sure. I that's I don't want to know that you know that. Jim and rolls in lucky me he's sick girl episode of Master's a whore. Okay I'm sorry I brought this up. Okay anyway so they stop the sheriff from killing

this woman that he says is a witch but they say she doesn't show the signs of being a witch she's not rotted on the inside not even looking at everything and here's the thing the witches in this movie they're basically just vampires of a little bit of modern zombie thrown in like they got monster they got monster faces they move really fast they know that Right eyes they run on all fours. They got red. Well except the Monster face like David Borey anus and angel I guess like a monster face like

Like cat people and sleepwalkers. Okay, one of the ladies has hedgehog hair which makes her kind of like pinhead a little bit Yeah, she also kind of looks like polystyrene from the X-rays specs But uh they the which the one we say witches it's a thing that you are born to be like you're genetically a witch I guess which is not really my understanding of witches But what are you gonna do? Yeah, basically it's whatever witch mythos they want and this is something that has frustrated me that I was Complainstured about is that all these monsters, zombies, witches, vampires, werewolves, they used to have different things, like strengths, weaknesses, flavor profiles, if you will. But they've all just kind of been mishmashed into one basic monster that they just call

whatever, you know. Like somewhere along the line, someone decided that the scariest thing a monster could be is like, feral. Yeah. And so they all just like to play a crazy like whirling dervishes of killing. Yeah, which is scary, but it's like- But it's one type of scary.

It's a very one note scary, but anyway, we're barely into the movie. Hounson Rettel are there, they save the woman for me killed, the sheriff doesn't like it, but Gretel headbutts him in the nose and breaks his nose which means that Peter Stormair for most of the rest of the movie where's this bizarre leather nose patch like a leather nose sling patch with a band that goes around his head and it looks almost like he has a sleep like those sleep blindfolds people wearing planes but for his nose like I'll just let my

nose rest all my nose be disturbed by all the sunlight. Someone involved in the production saw a Chinatown and it's like, give me a steam punk version of that. Yeah, exactly. They've been, the sheriff, they mayors hired them for this town because there's a lot of children that have gone missing. They're going to investigate. And there's also a plucky young guy who's a huge Hansling Gretel fan who has a scrapbook of all their escapades and is tagging along, you know, kind of irritating them a little bit.

That'd be the Elliott character of the movie, right? Oh, for sure. I would be Greta, of course, because I'm, yeah, you're such a badass. Because you're the babe, yeah. And Dan would be, I guess, the troll who comes up later, or maybe one of the kid-net of children. He'll be the closest to being Jeremy Renner. You'll never be Jeremy Renner.

But you may be like- You can be Michael Rooker, aka the troll. Do you want to be Jeremy Renner in this, because it turns out after eating all that You'll never be Jerry Renter, but you may be like Michael Rooker aka the troll Do you want to be Jeremy Renter in this because it turns out after eating all that candy as a kid he has diabetes And he has to take insulin shots every day. Hold on. Wait, are you just making a joke? No, that sounds ridiculous. Let's establish another thing about this movie. It is a Steam Punk film and this movie, okay, you love that shit dude I don't let's just say one thing if this movie had come out 10 years ago 15 years ago yeah I would have I think

really liked it a lot let's spoil our lord because it's a goofy silly movie and it's got like monsters and steampunk and whatever yeah it's got crazy it's got monsters and plus crazy in Akron is they have all these like very modern looking guns that have a bunch of cogs and gears and shit on them Because it's steampunk he has a steampunk wristwatch. There's a steampunk record player later on and Jeremy winner has the sugar disease The sugar disease. Yeah, like inject himself with medicine apparently they had insulin back in hands I want to believe that they like ground up a root or something like that made a mixture out of it like ground up a root or something like that made of mixture out of it. It's not like I lost my uncle lost his legs for the sugar disease.

So I don't find that very funny. Guys, he just, I mean, he just really liked the song sugar. Do do do do do do honey. Honey, honey. What? Honey, I'm doing a hundred dollars. They'll make fun of him. Make fun of him for saying that weird candy girl is the song.

Wait, what? He was so into listening to candy Girl's walkie-r cheese. Yeah, walking down the street that he did notice that he walked out in the traffic. Yeah, he did dance his little toezo. Anyway, here's the thing. Toesies. If this movie, if this had been a new idea,

I would have said, what a cool movie. But this movie is coming at the end of this long run of like, everything's an action movie now everyone does Steampunk suck and Abraham Lincoln vampire. Yeah, basically and like if Abraham Lincoln vampire hundred had come out Ten years ago 15 years ago. Oh, what a cool idea But now everything's mash-em-ups and anachronisms and steampunk and what have you? These kids with the cogs and everything putting the goggles on the hats and all that have you are these kids with the cogs and everything put in the goggles on the hats and all that uh...

now that like the fucking most like i feel like cutting edge think you do would be a totally realistic action movie where like everything has human consequences without any irony or yeah yeah exactly really human like the expendables super ironic but it made well it made but what it made me think about was and i would i talked to you guys a little bit of ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha But everyone who saw that as like a teenager is making movies now and so like they really they noticed that army darkness is really good And this movie at even that though at least that had internal logic where like ash is from the future So he knows how to make a robot hands. Yeah, we're even few people don't know

It's a robot hands day. No, it's a crazy fucking joke But at least like not not everyone in the movie has is walking around with robot hands and Saw it off shotguns just one guy. Yeah, that's true But so the thing it but everyone in this movie has guns including including no the robot hands Wait a minute Ash and Lindsay lowhand and I know he killed me a robot But everyone has guns in this and like revolver's like it's if it if only Hanslengrell had these machines Maybe we'll be one thing but it seems but I mean like then it's just van Helsing with his army with his laboratory of monster

a lot less swinging around on ropes. Yeah, there's a lot less Castlevania in this. The whole thing back in sale in the clouds now. So it's like these their ideas in here that if this they were new I'd be really impressed by but're not new. And there's nothing in the movie that's as imaginative as like the scene in Army of Darkness where he has to fight all the little ashes that come out of that mirror that he breaks, you know, or anything like that. But anyway, back to the plot. That being said, back to the plot. So the share of hires a bunch of goons and says, you find the witches, they go out in the middle of the night, the lead witch, Famka Jansen shows up, and kills all of them except for one guy, sends that guy back

into deliver a message to the town which is just that he explodes. And gets blood all over Jema Argotten who plays, or Adurten, however it is, is Gretel. I should have mentioned, or is it Gema, that's the other thing. Hansling Gretel has grown up to be, Hansling Gretdle has grown up to be... What it is, it's not a real name. Hanslengreddle have grown up to be Jeremy Renner and yeah, and Gamer Adderban. And... Gamer Arboravent. Gem Argris.

Look, uh... Gamer Arbor Day. Gem and the... Feechrograms. In the holograms, yeah. There's a bunch of, they go back and forth a bunch of... I wanna make it Teddy Graham's joke, but I think it's too late.

And we did the perfect Teddy any grams joke like a hundred sago uh... so much of the idea of a tenagram sure that i already been so teddy grams are to fizz and germy renter are there were their hunting which is they learn that the witches are preparing for ritual called the blood moon we have to sacrifice six boys and six girls but it actually moon moon, moon blood good.

Blood good. Don't worry, dude, it was so funny. Nope. Anyway, through that, I was like, what's her fake name? What's her fake bullshit name? Is it moon, blood good or moon blood ring? Oh, it's a funny name. Anyway.

But the town gets attacked by Famke Jansen and her witch pals. It seems that- Witch Posse. Her witch Posse, which I've maybe her daughters, I don't know, it's like two younger girl witches. And it seems like this right is going to make it so that witches can't be burned, because that's the only way to make sure they're dead is to burn them. I think she explained it, but I wasn't listening.

So there's like, basically, it's the BS time limit that they have to stop the villain by as the blood moon. And the BS thing that they have to stop is that witches will be fireproof, I guess. So it's basically the same thing as if witches are discovering. Yeah, exactly. They won't be able to look at internet porn anymore.

OK. Just like in the movie, fireproof. Basically, this movie would have the same level of threat as if the Witches discovered as bestos and just made suits out of as bestos. Just walked around in them. Like the guy at the beginning of the Lethal weapon for? Something like that. Also, the Witches have a troll named Edward who helps them out and is played by a person in an old fashioned like animatronic mask suit. There is some CGI for the action scenes, but for the most part, he's just walking aroundronic mask suit, you know, there is basically there's some CGI for the for the action scenes, but for the most part he's just

walking around in that suit looking like the what are they from fraggle rock those big guys. Oh yeah, yeah, I don't know. Yeah, it looks like a mixture of hog ol' and ludo from Labyrinth. Yeah, let's call him a hodo. Mahodo? Is Hodo. There's a bunch of fighting, lots of stuff has happened, Gretel goes off in the woods, Hansel gets caught in the woods and lost he gets hurt and Meena the girl they saved in the beginning saves him it turns out she's She saves him and then has sex with him in a pond. Yeah, of course and it was a surprising nude seat like there's a moment Where she starts taking off her dress and the camera cuts away and we're like, oh yeah, because it's what a PG-13 movie

And then it cuts back to her naked and we're like, wait what hold on We all look at it. Yeah, I think we all like set up stood up. Yeah, sorry. Give me a We all did the movie we all did the thing that dogs do in movies and they go Because I mean like I mean number one obviously we like naked ladies number two this movie feels we don't like the bear naked No, never though. They suck. It's taking care of them. There's an example.

Like there are exploding heads in this movie, but somehow it still feels super neutered. So the fact that... And especially super nude. Errrr. What did you take so... Dress off. What did you take so close off?

It seems like this came in from a totally different move. Well, I think maybe that's something... Maybe maybe it says something about if it was a no It's way too time for a missing one if it was a missing Monday movie that there would be 10 minutes of poorly simulated lesbian sex Three of them sort of on a tarp in the woods vaguely stuffing their face not into the vagina area But like kind of above like the thigh belly button area. Yeah. So like that like lesbian sex in oranges of the new black is what you're saying. I haven't seen that. Yeah. It's a lot of the thigh kissing in belly button kissing in very early. Yeah, basically on

tarps. Yeah, probably. I think there's the thing about the belly button is the vagina of the stomach. Yeah. It's weird. You know, they say that the most underutilized er rogginous zone is the belly button not true they uh... over the same i was gonna say something about the types of movies that misty mondays in but we know when he said we don't need to get into that

uh... suffice to say there's a certain type of low-budget lesbian softcore porn movie we're not gonna let when you're not at work no matter what the plot is it will end with every female character from the movie in one or g on a tarp in the woods whether they're on a different planet whether they're supposed to be like middle earth yeah exactly ancient Rome they're gonna find a tarp somewhere because otherwise it's gross sex sex tarps are big industry across the board yeah throughout history. I'm sure they Adam and a Hansling Rettle witch hunt, witch hunter killers, along with their steampunk guns,

they had a steampunk tarp. They could have their steampunk lesbian orgian with steampunk ms.y Monday. The goggles, bro. Everyone's wearing a hat for goggles glue on and guns with fucking gears on the sides for no reason.... steampunk makes me so mad slot is his ring with carcogs and yeah a lot of hats with it with the sauce pipes on the for the lord knows what reason anyway uh... anyway gretel is in the woods welcome parade magazine readers gretel is ambushed by the sheriff's men

who although it was a say that maybe something something about the double standard in the country that like, we were, this is a movie where people's heads explode a lot. There's a lot of smashed heads, exploded heads, people's viscera bursting out of their bodies, but that didn't seem crazy to us, but when the woman showed her butt, it was like, whoa, look, this is extreme, what kind of movie is this? And maybe that says something about our society and how sick It is that the lovely human form so natural is considered Too dangerous what we can see guys heads gets crushed and turn it to raspberry jam. Maybe the real monsters are you

Which we are to see then he held up a mirror in front of our faces which we are to see then he held up a mirror in front of our faces It's like a magazine cup. You want to see hey take a look at the real most dangerous animal on the planet and then he held a mirror up to Like tigers or sharks? Tiger sharks. No, okay, that's an actual animal. It isn't actual. It's not a shark NATO type thing. No, price your minds weren't blown by that by the way Your mind seem intact. Yeah, very much so. Yeah, I mean we're doing a podcast, dude. We're pretty professional.

There's some light wear and tear on my mind. All right. But blown hardly. So Gretel gets attacked by the Sheriff's Man. Pretty fairly brutally for a movie like this, but she's saved by Edward the troll, the Witches Sidekick Slash Helper, who bursts everyone's head with his fists. It's not even like an A-Team type thing where he punches a bad guy in the bad guy go like those like whoo and falls down their heads are splattered

they are all dead uh... it turns out that uh... there's a whole lot of michigan's back and forth who knows what i think he uh... the troll heels her face with some weird white with some smear he some mirror he gets a of the street uses some folk troll magic medicine uh... he's it and at the same time haunts a learns that the girl he had sex with and saved is

and it's a little later is a white which is a good thing uh... and we are it is revealed to us by famca jansson the villain that the reason hauntsland redotto were sent into the woods now in the original story i think it's that their father remarries their stepmother hates them right yeah simple but no this is gotta be related to some stupid fucking prophecy or whatever that i apologize for my language but i hate movies with prophecies and except for the prophecy

about uh... star wars the phantom menace prophecy about Star Wars the Phantom Menace. Yes, I love that one. No, but it turned out Wato and boss Nass. I love them. It's a bold but best character ever, but still. We learned that witch magic does not affect Hanslund Gredu. Witch magic? Wait a minute magic from which is where will they're all their castle by talking that way uh... yet copyright mail books and you know i'll do it

we learn that which magic doesn't affect them uh... it's because their father their mother it turns out was a white which a good which like linda but without the pink bubble gum bubble that you've lies around and uh... and the bad which is need the heart of a good witch like Linda but without the pink bubble gum bubble that she flies around and and the bad witches need the heart of a good witch to do the blood moon ritual and they were gonna go attack the white with the good witch and take her heart and so the hot the

father took their kids out into the forest because Gretel by blood is also a white witch, and so the bad guys, after killing their parents, although those years ago are now going to kidnap Gretel and use her heart for the Blood Moon ritual so they're no longer vulnerable to fire. It's the quest for fire proofing. It's... Get to the end where all the fucking witches get exploded by the well basically uh... cancel goes back he in the good which and the guy in the newt

he takes he's a wagon full of weapons she goes i'll make a potion that will make it so that weapons hurt which is and goes like weapons like these and pulls a blanket off of like this huge assortment of weapons there's grenades is a big gatling gun that apparently weighs an ounce since he literally just picks it up and casually puts it over his shoulder there's all these there's I they must have another double crossbow like uh... Gretel uses to use a double crossbow which shoots multiple crossbow bolts and also can turn to shoot in different directions uh... it's

all the way to ruin the best moment of the movie, Elliot. Anyway, they got to go save Gretel. And so, Gretel. So a shillow to witches, show up. It's like the most isolated canteen of witches. It is like the witch isle canteen. It's like Jabba's witch palace. It's witch con.

Witch con, 97. Wait, witch con? Dragon con. Perfect. So, anyway, there's a witch battle royale There's a whole witch con and they're gonna take it the blood moon So like a regular season of the witch copyright Nicholas cage I think no no Copyright Ron Perlman. It's a regular bed nobs and broomsticks

Copyright Angela last very. She really she wrote that yeah, Angela Lansbury. She really, she wrote that? Yep. It owns the rights. Yeah. Murderer wrote, Angela. Murderer, she wrote that? Girls do it for themselves. Yeah, witches are doing it for themselves.

Witches are doing it for themselves. What are they doing? The Blood Moon ritual. So they all show up. There's a witch with a huge goiter. There's an old lady witch. There's a witch with no legs. The Simon's twin witch. Simon feels like a lot of the character design work

went into the whole hour i don't want to find any which is out there those which is maybe from siam we don't know that yeah it was called siam back then anyway uh... the based on the movie i am sams starting to and and decode a fanning now i'm siam where it's where we're pin and fanning were conjoined together no so I am as a country and then the legal system tried to

pride my part it is not so I'm back together it's not an entire nation of conjoined wins have you ever seen the king and I and in the king of so I am you mean yes the same thing no I've. Well, anyway, so there's a whole witch coffin, if you will. It's, look, it's. It's pronounced COVID. Let's just call it what it is. It's a poor man's wall prog is knocked. Yeah, the witch is savoury.

The wall prog is knocked. Whatever you pronounce it. Anyway, so they're there. Hansel comes out. He says, hey, give me one reason. I'm not, get which. I'm going to be a joke about that. Sorry. Hansel comes out, he says, hey, give me one reason I'm not get which to him. Hansel comes out and he's like, hey, I'm going to shoot all you if you don't like Gretel

Goe and they go, they one goes to attack him and he blows her head up with his new magic gun. And then the good witch pulls out a Gatling gun from the rock balcony above the staging area and just shoots up a ton of witches luckily avoiding shooting the leader bad witch because why would you kill her first she's only the boss of the whole thing you gotta save her for the final boss battle uh they they kill a bunch of witches and where the troll saves Gretel at the last minute from the bad witch i think this is the best moment of the movie this is the the... More than the girl taking her dress off.

The second best moment of the movie. Where there's like a bunch of witches exploding. Yeah, butch a crazy different looking witches. It's actiony. Yeah, it's a... Stuff's happening. It's a real fast-paced action scene. There's almost no fakey kung fu.

Just a lot of gunshots, which is like... Some of the cost bones... Split and half and shoot two different witches around on brooms. Yeah So you like the idea of watching women get shot off of brooms with magical guns. Oh and who wouldn't and he wouldn't want They're not even brooms. They're just tree branches. They just fly on branches. It's true You couldn't sweep anything with those things anyway. Try probably They try to finish this movie. There's a bunch of fighting and with the troll is hurt and Greta uses a survival is a stun gun that we saw the user there as a

defibrillator and wind up a wind up a stun gun with a few polls of the rip-cord manages to generate enough electricity to restart a troll's heart the truck that was the heart must be the size of a basketball but hey manages to do it uh... they and you think the movies over right no because the wall wakes up that's the

the fucking movie they use it all the time it's not over to the troll wakes up the no because the wit the lead which famka jamping leads them on a merry chase back to bump bump bump the candy house earlier Hansel and Gretel stumbled on their old house when they were kids and that's where happens. But this is the candy house. There is a very long brawl between Hansel and Gretel and the rich.

A very small room. Now here's a movie. This is a witch. It a very small room. This is a witch. Not going to be on the head with. Let's just say it magic powers. She has a wand that she's used to make other people shoot themselves in the head earlier in the movie Yeah, she has magic powers of all kinds

So why does she dain't to have kind of a bar room brawl fist fight with Hansel and Gretel? Yeah, it comes down to the witch being hit in the head a lot of times with a shovel And uh-oh, Hansel is choking her to death with a chain. And then he has- That's what I like in my heroes. And then his old chain-choking skills. His steam punk wristwatch sends off its alarm. Oh no, he's going into insulin shock from the sugar sickness. Immediately, he's about to die.

Luckily, Gretel injects him with insulin and he immediately goes from dying to just fine, ready to hit that witch with a shovel a couple more times and they cut her head off with a shovel. Which was great. Sure. And then, okay, end of the movie, right? No. Because now Hanslengraddle formed a team with Ed the troll and with the nerdy guy who was their like biggest fan and you see them walk off into a desert and it's like, which

is be where? We're coming for you. Bum, bum, bum, the end right no because they walk up to like a desert castle where there's a witch inside and we watch them kill another which it's the movie that couldn't stop and it's like it's a movie that's 88 minutes long it's the movie that that like I don't see now it's gonna turn like a slider style sci-fi hour long drama it feels like well here's thing this although they would totally murder their cast of sliders who are probably witches right I

have to somehow still they slide yeah now oh wait no sliders is about the guys to make tiny hamburgers right where it's like I had like eight of these so this and the ending of this movie is like being on a phone conversation with my mom, where every 10 minutes she goes, well, I should let you go. Oh, there was one other thing I wanted to tell you. We're trying to say goodbye to you. It's been- That's true.

Pass down to the K-L-G. It runs in my family. I do long goodbyes. I watch the film a long goodbye based on the novel. Starring Ellie or K-L-L-S. So you read it all. Is playing it. No where.

Yes. Oh, wait a minute. You're dead, Elliot. So, thanks for the fact that all this time I've been a ghost. A go-go-go-go-go-st. Thanks for making it keep it real and reminding us that Elliot takes a long time to say goodbye, Dan. Now.

So, anyway, let's get back to this part. Everybody's thinking it. Nobody's saying it, let's get back to this part. Everybody's thinking it. Nobody's saying it. Here's the thing about this movie. This movie does feel like a one-hour sci-fi show. If this movie was a sci-fi channel original movie, I would have been like, that was a really good

sci-fi channel original movie. So much better than Wyvern or two-headed shark attack. Well, that's what I'm talking about. What? Mantocore versus monster box. I don't know what they do. Chewbacabra goes to camp, whatever. It's a very big foot Christmas. Like aliens versus toadstools.

Whatever they do on sci-fi channel. Whatever. You know, Bacelisk meets his super mario brothers. Slightly larger than normal monkey versus manhole was it like wrought while or a text plunger I don't know how sci-fi channel comes up with all these grand ideas you know like you know like Mercury's versus Sinbad in the age of the pharaohs were like, you know, like, Mercury's versus Sinbad in the age of the pharaohs. Okay, so those ideas are copyrighted.

Like, hey, with toddlers V spiders. That's a legal case. That's why I said V the toddlers sue the spiders for copyright and for room drama, USA. One of the lawyers, one of the lawyers is a griffin oh and the other lawyer is an escrow max

so so so or so if this was a side by channel original movie i would have said it was snappy like there was a lot of growth like fakie computer effects but they did a minute in a silly way they did good enough for sci-fi channel good enough this is good enough for a sci-fi channel original movie for a feature film not exactly i will say like again

if this had been an original idea everything we hadn't seen this stuff over and over again the past eight years or so i would have been like that was a really imaginative like fun movie but, it feels very derivative. It feels like we're watching somebody's D&D adventure. Yeah. So I'm going to say that we are already in the final judgment. Oh, what? But do we, there are, and I'll say that that, that is a bad, bad movie from you.

I don't know. I, because I kind of, there were stuff I really enjoyed in it. Yeah, that's tough. I would say, you know what, I would say begrudgingly that it's a movie I kind of liked, but it's a qualified kind of liked. Because it's, if this, if I was in the vacuum of space, all right, okay.

I have no knowledge of anything in movies or anything ever and ever, anything. You're like an Encino man. Exactly, I'm a tabula rassa whereas it's also known as an Encino man. And let's say, as the Greens was saying in Encino man. You're I'm a tabula rassa, whereas it's also known in and seno man. And let's say as the green is was sitting in seno. You're a branded phrasier rassa.

Yeah, I'm exactly. I'm a rasta, Brendan phrasier. Smoking pot, worshipping, highly salassy. You know, been in Babylon too long time to get back to the home country. Zion is waiting for me, Brendan phraser. You know, listening to my Bob Marley albums, Brendan Fraser, again, Rosta, Brendan Fraser. Thank you for restating this premise.

If I was coming at this totally new, I think I would have liked it a lot. If I was like a 12 year old watching this now and I was not aware of something like Army of Darkness, I think I'd really like it a lot it's like just like would have been mad that you were watching pacific rim but yeah yeah exactly it's like it moves really fast it's short it's got which i mean it shouldn't start with those but like it's got plenty of bloody scenes there the characters are charismatic at least you know like the actors in it are fun to watch

uh... it's like a half-baked second-hand idea but it's not i wasn't uh... boarder in pain is not like marmaduke where i wanted to take a spike of the shabby my ears yeah well i wanted to pull sam nielin event horizon just pull my eyes out and kill lorence fishburn yeah well i want to say i want to say about this movie is it has a lot of things i

like it has uh... chairman renter movie is it has a lot of things I like it has Jeremy Rinner it has Peter Stormare it has Famke Johnson. I like that Gamma Apple B2. Yeah, Jim and the holograms is a very attractive lady You love the troll man every time the troll man was on screen. Do it would go yes? There's a niggas. There's a naked lady I like you keep a brand new snake man from Jon X yeah it's not even Michael Rooker snake man wasn't even a character he was just in one scene as a monster there's some action scenes that are derivative of the same Raymy like whole movie is

rid of it is it is it is a yeah it is a very I would say it's a very marginal move I kind of like there's some there's some very bad stuff in it there's some boring derivative stuff, but at the same time, it moved so quickly and has so many elements that I kind of enjoy. Yeah, and I was even able to overcome my hatred of steampunk weaponry in medieval settings. Yeah, I mean, it's not.

Although there was a little too much of that. It's like they had a collapsible folding gun that like nobody has that. Yeah, they showed in detail in the credits evenings It was fun of sure as armories. In the closing ending credits, it's just CGI close-ups of the different weapons. Yeah, like you're selecting which weapon you're going to use in the next box game or something. Yeah, yeah, that's true. No, yeah, you're right. It's not a good bad movie because it's not like so bad. It's fun. It's not a good bad movie because it's not so bad, it's fun. It's not really that good, but it's better than some, maybe I'm just biased because it's

a so many terrible things. I think it's better than a lot of the crap that we've watched. It may have some advantage from coming right after Marmaduke, but. I would say, let's say it comes up on TV or you see it on Netflix streaming. Mm-hmm. Just watch Army of Darkness. Yeah. You know, like if you have...

It's funny though, you brought up the Army of Darkness thing though, but like these directors saw it when they were kids and they're trying to emulate it, but it was such a huge flop. Like, they're not improving on the Army of Darkness. Like, it's not like the world is ready for Army of Darkness now. Like, if it came out in theaters now it wouldn't do well I don't know that because apparently because apparently a lot of these types of movies are doing well enough I mean like I look at what we could be the this movie was not this movie made you know like 200 something million

dollars worldwide you know which is okay so this size is really good Hansel and Gretel to what's What's it gonna be? More witches? It's gonna be vampires, but the vampires are just basically witches. Okay. It's gonna be called, it's gonna be called Hansel and Gretel, which hunter vampire hunters? They hunt vampire hunters who are witches.

It turns out there's a war between the vampires and the witches. Okay. The vampires are out hunting, the witches are out hunting vampires, but Hansel and Gretel are hunting the witch. Now, do that mean they team up with the vampires? Because vampires are still pretty bad, but maybe they can find common cause. That's it up. But then it ends on it, but then it ends on it to be continued. And then you get Hansel and Gretel and aliens. Now that's

the two other things. Ali aliens have landed in medieval times Maybe that's where they got all their weaponry from an alien spaceship they found look ironman three didn't use the mandarin Finding that spaceship with the magic rings in it Haaslin Gretel steal that shit just use it in your movie. I mean they shot the scene What refines the spaceship. Yeah, right. I don't think they did oh they didn't know what's not in the movie Oh, okay Well, I thought they shot me because that's what the character does in the comics, right? I don't think they did. Oh, they didn't? No, what's not in the movie. Oh, okay. Well, I thought they shot me because that's what the character does in the comics, right? No, no, they don't shoot everything in the comics and then decide they don't want to. All right. Well, I don't want to cut off this rich vein. Anyway, Hensling Gretel. Discussion. Hey, hey, hey, hey, just don't make fun of our stupid

ray into being a rich. That set set up for number four, Hensling Gretel versus Hensling Gretel. They go to fall through a portal to an alternate world a portal where everybody is witches and humans are evil I'm not trying to cut it short because I'm a dig and can't try to try to get me get to Hansling Gretel 5 in the time of the dinosaurs I'm not trying to cut it short because there's letters and I was going to cut it short but it to talk about the future where there's dinosaurs no it's in the past but they're dinosaur witches and the dinosaur space cab yes we were we're super loud I'm trying to keep us on track because there are letters which want to get to all right this one letters arrive in a mailbag the flop house movie mailbag a movie mailbag a bag for mail mail about movies for us us a mailbag of movies a movie mailbag just said movie mailbag

But what did it look like a burlap sack or a plastic thing? Perhaps with the drawstring. What is this, black look like a trick or treat bag? A meal bag? He did. Look, when you're making up as long as you go along, it's a little hard to cut the words. I know, right. All right.

So this first, Slap as a meal bag. It's time. No. First letter is titled, to the original peaches in the original Big Apple. I was listening to another Big Apple. Take that small apple. I was listening to another big apple. Take that small apple. I was listening to the seeking justice.

Did you stand hat in Kansas the other one? I was listening to the sinking justice episode. To celebrate quarter cage miss in it you described a scene where Nicholas Cage is given ridiculous instructions at a monster truck rally. Yep. None of you can remember the name of the stadium and and that is the super dome. One of the most famous stadiums on earth Famers indeed Again, I would not like to become Elliott's new brother unless he would give me an Emmy for Christmas slash Hanukkah But this is a fairly major lapse in sports related

Judging by myself reading both I hope this letter is taking completely seriously and results in almost no mockery, sincerely, Brennan, last name unpronounceable. PS, I was just in New York over the weekend and saw Matilda in previews. It was one of the best things I've ever seen. I've no Elliot has talked about loving Jesus Christ superstar.

So I was wondering if this week's recommendations could be your favorite musicals. So the fact that he saw Matilda in previews shows how old this well I Last episode previews the comic book ordering catalog right from the from diamond distributors. Yeah Now okay sneak previews the long defunct PBS I meant that now two things I did recommend a musical in the last episode So let's just carry that one over. The musical I recommended was Dames.

And the other thing I was going to say was, of course, I'm not going to recognize what was at the power dome, the technodrome, the underdome. I don't know what stadiums look like. Which ones are the one we're cringing? Superdoutin. That's the technodrome. Now, look, if it's not the Roman Colosseum or...

What? Like biosphere 2, I'm not going to recognize any dome structures. Now, look, if it's not the Roman Colosseum or... What? ...like biosphere 2, I'm not going to recognize any domed structures. Yeah. ...or the capital building, you know. I mean, when it comes to musicals, you know, like, you can't go wrong with singing the rain, obviously. Of course you can, it's the best musical ever made. I have a lot of fondness for the music man.

I think Robert Preston's performance and that is very funny. Music man's great. West Side Story is a very nice filmed musical. My fair lady has some music. You guys are going out on a limb. I mean, well, what do you want? I mean, just listen to every musical except for the little shop of horrors. Is it great more recent musical? That's cool. I don't know what you want from me. For a musical, I'll recommend The Album Traveler by the band Lord Weird Slough Egg. There you go. That's a heavy metal rock opera, dude.

Yeah, there's a concept, basically. A story about a space pirate turned into a man dog. If I was going to recommend another musical, I'd recommend Top Hat. Sure. You know what else is good? I was gonna recommend another musical, and recommend Top Hat. Sure. You know what else is good? Diamond Circle's best friend, but... That's not a movie. That's a musical number in Gentlemen Preferblons.

Gentlemen Preferblons, The Howard Hawks film is a lot of fun. It is, it has a great line, I don't want to spoil it, but my favorite line in that movie is Marilyn Monroe and was it Jane Mansfield? it is it has a great line that my i don't want to spoil it but there's a my favorite line that movie is uh... marlman row and uh... was a jane man's field yeah or are are are on a cruise ship they're looking for rich men to to marry yeah and they're sitting on either side of a kid at dinner his accruciate you have a sign seats and uh... they and he's looking at them and they go how old are you and he says old enough to appreciate a fine looking woman.

This kid's like eight. Anyway, it's a funny scene. I tried to watch recently how to marry a millionaire. The other movie where Metal and Monroe plays an unrepentant gold digger, and it is no gentlemen prefer blondes. Some prefer blondes is a very good movie. And how to marry a millionaire is kind of dull.

And I guess, anti-regamentation. I mean, consider that a negation. That's better than mine. The next letter is titled Uncle John's Bathroom Reader and it's his favorite book series. I shudder to think how much longer I would have been

unaware of your podcast if Uncle John had taken up a place in my bathroom library. My Bathbury? Thankfully, Entertainment Weekly is my go to bathroom. Entertainment Weekly is my go to literature. And I'm upon seeing a recommendation in the must list I added your podcast immediately. Yes, I washed my hands first. I mean, it doesn't matter. It's your magazine, I don't care. Why do you

do that? Grey's an enemy or he? Or top of the lake. You watch Bates Motel. Come on. Top of the lake to you. Onto the quest. Do you say that? What? Where would you say that? Like in a, you know, I don't like fancy dinner. And Irish like fancy dinner.

Yup. Because that's how you greet people at a banquet uh there's questions onto the question well thanks for listening to podcast after reading about it and I apologize for this episode number one we're tired Dan what drink do you choose to help you get help you get through the movies I prefer cream and blood like flying mucky's smash bomb but for b-movies cheap bre brews like Papst Blue Ribbon or Tall Boys of Old Mill Walking, you know what? You know what? You know what beer goes strength. Seemed like a better fit. Hey Dan, you know what beer goes strength. What? Papst Boo Ribbon. I read that one in a joke book for kids called 100 Creepy Hipster Jokes. 100 alcoholic drinks for kids.

Drinks for kids? Jokes for kids. I'm glad they kept it only 100. Little chat books out. 100 Creepy Hipster Jokes also includes. What was the Wolfman's favorite band? What? Where Weezer.

Hey, take it up with the others of 100 creepy hipster jokes. It's not that creepy. It involves a monster. Alright, so you can buy it at what like H&M or American apparel. Yeah, it's at the American apparel book rack. Yep, right next to I guess like a picture book of half naked teenage girl. Yeah, right next to, I guess, like a picture book of half naked teenage girl. Yeah, right next to a magazine made up of creepy pictures of employees of American apparel. That all look like last known photos. So thank you guys for answering my question.

No, no. So he read about us in the bathroom. He wants to know what drinks. Oh, drink while you're, what are you drink? What are you drink, Dan? Look, I like a, spaghetti sauce. He wants to know what drinks drink while you're what do you drink? What do you drink, Dan? Look I I Like a spaghetti sauce

Just that of a mug. I like a pale ale and indie pale ale I'm quite fond. I think my favorite might be green flash now I will say that I think that the hop head craze is going too far Now I will say that I think that the hop head craze is going too far. Some beers have gotten too syrupy and strong for a nice refreshing beer. Thanks to Stuart Wellington being a bartender at a nice German beer garden. I've come to be quite fond of Eindebiker Pilsner, a nice light beer for the summer. Well, this has been the ale house. No, there's questions for you guys too.

Oh, okay. Number two. But they better not be about movies, because you have to talk about beer. Mind better be about dinosaurs, isn't it? Elliot. What's your favorite dinosaur? Well, dinonicus, of course.

Elliot, if there was one comic book storyline, you had to turn into a bad movie, which one would it be? The Punisher meets Archie? That would be a good movie. It's a funny comic. I know it's gonna be a bad movie. That's a good question. I think even though it's a good storyline in the comics I think when Thor got turned into a frog by Loki. It's maybe the jewel in the crown of Walt Simonson's Thor along with the introduction of Battery Bill, the horse face alien. But I think it would make a pretty good bad movie. I don't know that I don't think the image of a giant frog wearing Thor's costume would translate to film. Even that works very well in comics.

Fair enough. Number three, Stewart. Okay. I'm part of a B-movie club that regularly streams horrible movies including Heart Take It To Why, Time Barbarian, Jack Frost's two revenge of the mutant killer Snowman, Hard Rock Zombies, and about four dozen more titles. I wanted to get your recommendations on which movies to screen other than Invisible Maniac, Casafreeke, and Head of the Family. Oh, okay. So...

It's like taking Picasso's paints away from him. Wait a minute. Wait, can I say invisible mania? No, that's, okay. It's spressly forbidden. Can I say night of the demons? You can. Oh wow, okay.

Night, wait. Is it bad movie? I feel like you've sung that movie's praises. Yeah, but I mean, I like it because it's like a good, bad horror movie. All right. I mean, I'm not gonna, like, you're not gonna, it's not gonna win Oscars. You're not gonna see a criterion collection of, you never know. Of neither demon. I mean, there is a moment where, uh, Lee the coin, Lee sticks up, sticks their lipstick into a boob, right?

Yeah, and then you get to see your vagina later. I mean, you know, the later I mean you know the you know what does say dog man versus demonic toys yeah I'll say I'll say dog man sorry 10 times all right we've got a good and explored people it's a alien cop well I should have called it tiny alien cop movie well no he's like a doll that's why they come home dog man he's not a doll so he blows up a bunch of everyone likes eggs so that was from Sheldon last name with hell. They hope they helped you get a clear answer. You did I didn't say some dinosaur name right I said I said a movie name. Yeah, you said a

You said a source watch carnivores. That's about the movie end of dinosaur This next letters from per last name with hell per PR I don't know. I don't know would I thought a cat had written us a letter first of all I assume Elliot had already sung an intro to the mailbag segment Well, I tried to but then cut me off, but it reminds me so this mailbag are we sure it's a bag? Could it be a mail crate or a box of some kind of mail box. So laid on this box. A male box. Maybe it's a box full of male. Thank you.

Oh, wow. So a quick ending. All right. He says, I'm a flop fan from Sweden who has recently found your podcast be a TV tropes. I have enjoyed it immensely. And we'll do the best. I did.

We mentioned on TV. Choose spread the gospel of the flop house here in Sweden. Now for the meat of the letter. Thank you very much for spreading the gospel in Sweden house here in Sweden now for the meat of the letter. Thank you very much for spreading the gospel in the gospel. So I was like the bread part of the letter. Yeah, that was a bread. And then I assumed that his name at the end of it is the other slice of bread. Or maybe cheese. I don't know what they eat. Sweet and. You think Swedish fish. It's an open-faced sandwich in Sweden. Outside of the oven, they say that.

Clearly it's from the meet is a what we just read was the link in very well here's the the ball one of you briefly mentioned the hypothetical

possibility of a great becky offer to venture video game uh... was thinking the priest episode this i feel would make for an excellent tangent

at some point there's so many questions that need to be answered it's the player, for instance, loses the bikini, will the effect be similar to that of the star in Super Mario World? This and other questions need an answer. I like that. If your top falls off in the game, you're invincible for a little bit. But then, of course, the Indian returns your top as in the Grapecini Offer Adventure. Yeah, is there a mini-game where you get a place? No, that's too powerful. We can't really talk. Well, no, no, he just shows up and gives you advice on how to play the game.

Yeah, that's a B-Woolie tall salt's like being the player in Sim City where you're constructing the world and seeing the gears that turn it. He's basically a god figure. Yeah, exactly. He's the water. No, God God sees God watches even the lolliest sparrow fall and the lolliest bikini top fall off. Imagine the cutscenes would just be just like cutscenes of Topless Lake. Like that is what like as in To be honest, I don't remember

Why they're running those bikini tours in the grave bikini offered adventure? Most of the movie is just girls and bikinis You heard the title movie right most of the movies is girls and bikinis. A lot of sense to me. You heard the title of movie, right? Most of the movies is girls and bikinis leading tours of Southwestern locations. Well guys, and then taking their tops off Yeah, it's they're great at it guys. I'll be honest. I mainly read that last email to lead into this actual letter. What by Dan? That's a piece of lined paper in your hand. Yeah this actual letter. Well, by Dan, that's a piece of lined paper in your hand. Yeah.

This is, it starts, dear Dan, this is from Cassandra Lasting with Held. I decided to include this handwritten letter because, well, I've always thought there was. It's fun, it's so much in your locker. Do you like me? Check yes or no. I've always thought there was something nice

about receiving letters written by hand. That's true. Also, should you choose to read this letter on your show? You can always put it in a bag labeled the Flop House Movie Mailbag, then take it out of said bag. And for the first time ever, be able to say you're actually reading an actual letter from an actual albeit homemade mailbag. Anyway, here it is, your holy grail, a DVD copy of the great bikini off-road adventure. I hope it works and brings you lots of joy and pleasure. That's right, a fan.

The best fan ever, our number one fan now. I think that she is, Cassandra is in fact, our number one fan. Well, we've heard it here first. So by making that statement, you know, people are gonna throw themselves off of buildings like when Jackie Chan had 11 interest in one of his movies and two of his film shows.

The truth can't be held back. Look, all we can say is if you wanna be the number one fan, you have to do something at the level of or better than sending Dan a coffee of the great bikini off-road adventure on DVD. Well, we're looking at the like, what's this thing? It's beautiful! Oh, I remember what it is.

Don't look at it, Mary, and don't look at it. Keep your eyes closed. Yeah, Cassandra, I believe I remember from previous email exchanges, she came across a VHS copy. And then she's got'll come across a later offer i don't even think all the girls in the cover in the movie i think she uh...

classic vhs maneuver she was nice enough to transfer the uh... the movie from vhs to dvd print out a cover of the great bikini offer adventure uh... sleeve and send it to us. So, Elliot, you probably know this. What are the conditions for st. hood? You have to perform two miracles that's counts as one. Okay, that's one. This counts as one, certainly. And then I think you have to be.

You have to be canonized by the Catholic Church. That's probably pretty easy. I mean, if you can turn a VHS tape into a little circular pizza shape End pizza shapes What his pizza's always have a hole in the middle right no We got your pizzas too. Oh, man. Let me I allow me the liberty of reading the back of the great Kino for adventure with business so slow Duke Abby almost loses his Jeep tour company, the local mining company for back rent, used the word company twice in one sense. With the help of his luscious niece, Lori,

and some of her botacious bikini-clad friends, Duke's business makes a U-turn. I don't know why you do it, driving pun instead of a boo-plund. As they drive the local men wild, while showing them some of the hottest sites in the desert, their sweat turns to wet. What?

As a broken-down G forces the girls to take their curves. Their sweat turns to wet. Down the river where sunscreens amost, but bikinis are optional. The girls raise the money while showing the locals that the views always better with the top-down. Starring Lauren Hayes, meatballs for Avalon Anders, Bikini Summer 2, Dan Frank, Turk 182.

And it says, sizzlingling Comedy, Perfect for Summer Rentals, from 1984, from the director of Bikini Car Wash 2, it says. Now, I've had this, I gotta say guys, I've had this in my possession for a couple days. I have not watched it. I feel like we need to watch it. I'll stop fucking thing in right now. Together.

I don't care what time it is. We're watching all 90 minutes of this. Rain is all. Let me just text Ellie, it's wife, Teller, not to wait up. Teller exactly why. I'm sorry. Ellie, it's embarking on an erotic adventure, unparalleled. I've seen this movie already before.

I don't know why I'm acting like I've never seen it before. I think I'm the only one of the three. You are the three of us, you're the only one who has not seen the the majesty. Oh my God. It's full of stars, etc. Did I tell that? Did I ever tell you guys the story about a very quickly? I did some freelance work once transcribing a lot of interviews and behind the scenes footage for a thing about the making of Daysden confused and the guy who plays Wiley and days to confused in a then- contemporary interview was talking about how he went to he was working in Hollywood and he started having to work in this production house that was really crappy and he's like and the guy there had this movie he directed and he had the

poster up on the wall it was so stupid the great bikini off-road adventure and I mean I was like I've seen that movie yeah you would have been properly star struck yeah I would have it was like I've seen that movie. Yeah you would have been properly star struck. Yeah I would have I'm like I'd you directed that? Tell me tales of it. Tell me tales of Willie Tall Salt. How did you so how did you make the boobs fall off? Was it fishing wire? First off don't say anything about boobs falling off that sounds horrible. At the top, small off. That would be horrible. That would be the great bikini leprosy adventure.

That is popular for some reason. Very unpopular. So OK. Should you do quick recommendations? Very quick recommendations of movies that we've seen that we actually liked, even though we all kind of liked Hansel and Gravel. But I think we can do better.

I think there's definitely better but you don't have to do it uh... what's the movie that you want to recommend recommend another movie starring peter stormier uh... the last stand starring in aging Arnold Schwarzenegger uh... directed by the director of ice all the devil i don't remember his name and he directed the good the bad and the weird i wish that the movie posters had said

in aging so vestidating on a sports nager uh... but no i mean it's they really kind of pitch the movie and it did not do well i believe it was a was a was a flopp and i think part of the problem was they really pitch it pitched the like Arnold Schwarzenegger and the johnny noxville element and I think they kind of play both those guys down. It ends up being a pretty good modern day western with a lot of great action and Gore effects and the bad guys played by the Spanish actor who played Hossinto in the Devil's Backbone, the bad guy in that movie.

So yeah, I recommend you. If you'd recommend the credit if you're looking for if you're looking for like a good old fashioned action movie i'd recommend it uh... i had the pleasure of seeing recently uh... lorrence of rabia on the big screen oh taking a taking a stand here yeah i know yeah real controversial uh... Arabia equals good, but I Had only seen it about 20 years ago on like a VHS copy

I think in like a school like social studies class where I liked it But like obviously that's not the way to see Lawrence of Arabia. It's not what David lean intended and I saw a restored He hated social studies. I saw a restored print of it at Bam here in Brooklyn. I think it was a digital print which I didn't love but whatever I am and It's just you know, it's an amazing World people problems, you know Before before the intermission it's kind of an amazing adventure movie. Like you see this, like it's kind of a Middle Eastern Western.

And you see the seeds of like adventure movies, like, right as a lost arc. And then after the intermission, it's really a portrait of kind of political disillusionment as Lawrence is unable to kind of give Arabia back to the people the way he wants to. It's a beautiful movie to see on the big screen. Like you can't really appreciate it, seeing it at home unfortunately.

So I guess I'm recommending. I think you can appreciate it. You're gonna appreciate it. It isn't the same experience. But I'm recommending it, unfortunately, experience that not everyone necessarily can have. That was on their new screen with like the really good sounds. Yeah, the one we saw on the God for Gives Hat.

Very similar movies. But also I wanna say like before I saw, I think one is literally a third as long as the other one. Before I went to see large of Arabia, I went out to have drinks celebrating our mutual friends Kurt's birthday. So I have like your promoted recommending that. No, like birthdays.

My point is like I ended up having like three or four pints of beer before seeing this three hour and forty minute long movie. And I think it's the movie's credit that I neither fell asleep nor had to pee at any point other than the intermission. What you're saying is you wet yourself and you didn't realize it till the movie was over. Yes. I soiled myself.

But it was worth it for David Leans vision. Yeah. LA, what do you have to recommend? I think, well, I wanted to recommend like a fantasy adventure movie that was better than Hansel Greidel. But we talked. There is none. There is none.

It's the tops. We talked about Army of Darkness, Solarir, but I think instead, I'll recommend a comedy action movie that I liked a lot more. And that would be shoot him up with Clive Owen and Monica Balucci and Paul Giamatti a movie that felt really fresh to me when it came out because it was Maybe the goofiest action movie I don't remember seeing it's basically like if bugs money and Elmer Fud were in an action movie in a lot of ways It was I think it was during a time where a lot of action movies were being grimdarr Or being super grim and serious. Yeah, and now action movies are all kind of tongue-in-cheek and this one manages to be

goofy and and Parodizing action movie stuff without being so tongue-in-cheek that it becomes irritating and they really took advantage of the concept of a man who can do anything with guns And I enjoy a lot. It's a live-action cartoon, you know a Clive action cartoon It's a live-action cartoon. How would Clive Owen describe it? If he were here right now, what do you think he would say? I don't know what you mean. That was me!

I was clawing my head! So... So that's how you would describe the movie as just saying that? Oh, that's me! You would say it! You would... You would greet us and then... Look, I cannot control what happens when the spirit enters me.

I can only essence the Clive Owen. So three recommendations, totally equal in stature the last stand shoot them up and Lawrence and Arabia very simple. Sorry, Mr. Mr. pretentious pants. We didn't know recommend David lead movies. I recommend brief encounter again. There you go done. Mortal combat. Yeah. This happy breed. Sure. So guys, it's been fun. Cannibal women in the avocado jungle of death. It has been fun. Yeah, so we just wrap this up and put in the movie or we wrap it up and we take an adventure. We take an off-road adventure. A

bikini off-road adventure. Nay, a great bikini off-road adventure. I wish I guys I've been steward well. I wish I- Hey guys, I've been steward well again. I wish I wish this could have been reviewed in theaters so that some snooty reviewer could have said great Bikini offered adventure. It is hardly a passable Bikini offered adventure. Uh, uh, Stuart Logan has already said his name so I will say that I am Dan McCoy. And I think I'm Elliot Kaylen? Probably. Good night everyone I

mean I look like him yeah so bikinis you sound like him irritating wait a minute just met you from his comic books I'm assuming he is the most masculine dude in the world kind of a teddy bear. I don't know, you're in wrestle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's an obvious shape to you and being. You've got some nude ladies in there. And there are enormous heads and tiny bodies.

Yep. He's still basically a cartoonist at heart. Yeah, it's like Walt Kelly, we're just drawing naked ladies. I'm sure Walt Kelly at some point drew a naked lady. Oh, sure. Exactly. I'm just with a possum It's got to pay the bills somehow. Yeah, it was part of his underground book. I do Pogo. That's right

He drew it. He drew it at Comic Con. There was someone who demanded that my School of Pooh is having sex with a bestie lady sure My sketchbook is your most popular character having sex with a busty lady. Okay. Wow really all these people This is all but so freeing chose to weird