The Flop House - The Flop House: Episode #144 - Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor

Episode Date: January 25, 2014

First confession: she peed in the pool. Hallie closes out her monthlong residency subbing for the newly-dad-ified Elliott with a doozy. It's Tyler Perry's Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor. Meanwhile Stu can't seem to pronounce Kim Kardashian correctly, Dan advertises his new calendar concern, and Hallie outlines a proper musical exercise routine. Media recommended in this episode:True DetectiveYou're NextLovelace

On this episode we discuss the very cinematics titled, Temptation, Confessions of a Marriage Hey everyone and welcome to the flop house I'm Dan McCoy. Hey everyone, this is Stuart Wellington. Hi guys, I'm Hallie Hagland. Back again. Yes, my, my, Elliot's gonna be back next time. So don't worry. I can hold your horses. Yeah. Hold them in a horse. Hold them with some, uh, those ropes that make you go, no. Yeah.

Like a bridal. A bridal. Okay. So if you're one of those human monsters who doesn't care for Halle, don't worry, your boyfriend Ellie, it'll be back soon. But for all rights making people. But guess what? He got a chick knocked up. Yeah, deal with that. He did the deed and he's got to be the dad. So in all you, what do you, guys who like to listen to stuff, you're probably wondering

why does episode sounds so weird uh yeah well it's the first in the new flop house studios aka my new apartment oh flop house studios mark two you're ready for this No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, movie and we're gonna talk about it for a little while. An allegedly bad movie. Allegedly that we paid American currency for. Yeah, and that currency goes into the pocket of the person who made the bad movie. So if you feel bad for them, don't. Because they are way richer than us. Yeah, they're spread. Well, maybe.

Yeah, probably. This guy in particular is like a fucking millionaire. So, would we watched tonight, Dan? We watched Temptation, Colon. Confession of Emeralds. You said Colon. You said Colin. You messed it up, Dan.

It's Temptation. Tyler Perry's. No, no, no, no. There's two alternate. You either know it as Temptation, Colon. Confession of Emeralds, Counselor counselor or Tyler Perry's temptation okay so is it wait so he was tempted by this confession I don't get it yeah I'm married he was tempted to make a really bad movie and he gave into it and made

this movie burn Tyler Perry even burned spoiler alert so I do you guys think he's listening to this? I would feel so bad You want to be the sassy white white lady in the comedy? Well, it's gonna be tough because I remember last time we did a Tyler Perry movie LA described him as a having all the grace of a mattress with legs Yeah, and he could have easily been describing this script burn. So yeah, what drew us to this? When I showed up, you guys were all rare and to go. Kim Kardashian was in it.

Kim Kardashian. Kim Kardashian is in it. Yeah. How it was very excited about how bootylicious everyone in this movie. You guys, everybody's got a booty. See, no, this is, that's your, that's your shoulder's a bug. Everybody's got a booty.

This is my first year. I ate tag length. The fear that I articulated earlier to you guys is playing in immediately right now. What's that? About, okay, so yeah. Yeah, there's a little certain worry. You want to get something off our chests.

Yeah, you're watching a Tyler Perry movie. Or not Medea in this case. Just to worry that we'll accidentally say something racist. Yeah, so give it off for like, Lee Lee reasons, right? Like Brad Paisley, we'll be in accidental racist. Or a real racist in the case of Brad Paisley will be an accidental racist or a real racist in the case of Brad Paisley's song. So when I mentioned that Mouish is in this I'm actually

talking about Mouish like Brandy's actually. Yeah she's actually I'm not just you're not just calling some random lady Mouish. Like saying Hannah Montana is in this. She's not she doesn't have the booty to make the cut. Yeah. If wrecking ball has proven anything, it's that she does not have the booty to start temptation, calling confessions of a marriage counselor. Yeah, I keep thinking you're going to say confessions of a bridal counselor, which makes no sense at all. Confessions. But what makes a lot of sense is this movie. So how does it, doesn't it start in, well, like a, it looks like a police station.

No. But it's like, it's like a triage marriage counseling center. Yeah, there is a facts machines going off. There's a lady seeking marriage counseling and she's doing it alone. No, she's with her husband. He walks out. He's still off. You were playing Dan McCoy dinner detective again.

I think more like Dan McCoy dinner are a ranger this time because dinner day come on time. You're like you're like Jason Statham in the terrain sport or no women, no kids. Yeah. Just full awful. Um, but yeah, no, she's, uh, she's getting advice from a marriage counselor and the marriage counselor is like Let me tell you a long boring story to about my sister. I don't think so Spoiler alert

But yeah, so so the framing device the marriage counselor instead of like asking questions and trying to find out You know more about the couple that she's helping instead, she tells us a story and then there's not even really a dissolve or anything. We go right into what, like, 50 years later in the South. I don't know, man. All I know is, so there's a young lady played by... The girl from Pride and Ant Lights. Who was also on Full House.

If you guys ever watched? She was Michelle's friend. She wore one of those little hats. Those bossam hats that flip up. Oh, those little hats. Her pout is memorable. It was burned in my mind, and I recognized it as soon as I saw it, and I never watched Friday night lights.

OK, well, you got to do more recently. She was the daughter of the barbecue guy in Friday's salesman. Yeah. But she is married to her, man, to answer in the summary, hold on to your hands. No, your blossom hands. You're gonna have to take over pretty soon, because that's not terrible at it.

But she gets married to her childhood sweetheart, Bryce, who has an awesome flat top. And her minister mom is not approving of it. Also, this movie should be called minister mom. Yeah, the Reverend, Minnesota. Reverend Sarah. But she's like, all right, fine. And so they go off to the big city of Washington, D.C.

where the guy has a lifelong dream of owning his own pharmacy. And the woman is a- Too big, dude. Yeah, she's a counselor. She's got like a PhD in psychology She got a master she's playing that in some exposition later. She reiterates that several times but She seems to believe that she is slumming by instead working for a millionaire matchmaker played by Vanessa Williams

Kiss of the spider woman. Really? Was it you and Kiss of the Spider woman? She's got her. She sang colors of the wind. For the radio version of the... The only Betty basically playing the same part. But with a, in this case, she has a French accent.

A terrible French accent. It's amazing. As the word says, I have a better French accent. Shouldn't pop on Vanessa Williams. Well, the funniest thing is that she still uses all the vernacular of a native English speaker. So she's like, you are going to, like, what's the thing that, what's the thing that people who say in talking English?

How do you say, how do you say, um... How do you say, uh, the bitch is back. You know what I'm like. Exactly as you just said it was. How do you say it's tot crazy, uh, the bro? But then I mean, we have to give the movie this one thing, which is that Vanessa Williams acts, terrible accent finally pays off. There is one good joke in the movie where at the end of the movie it turns out that she's from Georgia.

And the the the the key in the therapist, so she's having like an identity crisis because she spent two weeks in France and she's like, and y'all know, no. No, that was a bloody hell. because she spent two weeks in France and she's like, and y'all know, no. No, that was a delight. Take two, Halleo. Come on. And we all know you're from Georgia. Yeah.

And then she was like, bitch, get out of my office. She actually said that. I'm not making that up. My fives were given insin. So yeah, so we remember it well because it was the only time we were in a team. So she works at this. She works for like a millionaire matchmaker trademark.

And who else works there is Kim Garda-Assian. Card, did you say card Assian? I said card Assian. Card Aaron? I think. In two places. Who works there? Don't worry about it.

Who plays? for her? She's just trying to give her a makeover, but she's really mean. She does a lot. She delivers a lot of jokes, but without a lot, her voice sounds like she's smiling, but her eyes, she's not smiling. She's a stealth joke disguiser, because she delivers a lot. So you don't know she's disguising the joke?

You don't know she's telling a joke. She makes into places and disguises jokes. And then later on, you're like, is this a joke? Oh my god. And you laugh and laugh and laugh, only she'd show up here in those shots. Burn, burn, burn, all of us. I don't know.

So Kim Kardashian's, and she's given our hero a hell of a time. Yeah, so I guess she doesn't seem to really fit in there. She's constantly complaining. She thinks she's working for a madam. Well, this is the thing, like, I have to simply, I actually sympathize with Kim Kardashian in these scenes because Kim Kardashian is just like,

look, we appeal to a very high-end clientele. You have to dress a little bit better. You have to be into this. You have to know who this really rich guy who just walked in is, who apparently is super famous. I'm like, yeah, this is part of the medical history of the other. This is your job. You work the show.

The fact that she dressed totally fine. Yeah, she worked dressed fine, but I don't know. They're not fine. Yeah, not fine. Mm-hmm. I like how you just changed the vowel sound and changed the whole thing. Yeah, it's an I or a way to oh my gosh.

It's like an oh why. Yeah, it's always like clearly had no no. Oh, it's like an oh, I. Yeah, it's like clearly had no respect for the job that she was doing. She kept like putting down the idea of matchmaking. And you're like, oh, you're a madam. And like, and also be like, I like to meet people the old fashioned way. When there's no moral fashion way to meet someone

then being made a match. Have you ever seen Fiddleer on the roof? Yeah, come on. Fiddler. Yeah, no, well that, that's true. It feels like that she was probably a bad hire by Kim Kardashian, that she, you know, she shouldn't be working there. Wait, but she should go back to her husband with his big dreams. But Kim Kardashian's role was obviously the most fascinating to us, even though she

was only in like five minutes of the movie. But it's like constantly going back to- Of course, my campy at night, how are you doing? Well, because at some point you think that she has a right to be such a bitch to this other girl because she must be her boss, but then when you see them in work situations, Vanessa Williams is always telling Kim Kardashian

like, scheduled this meeting for Judith, who's the other woman. And so it's like, wait, she's just her assistant. She's just being a bitch and she's her assistant. Exactly, and she should probably be her boss because she knows what the job requires, right? Yeah, she's like a real Emily Blunt in the Devil or his product.

I don't know if I'm talking about this. Yeah, this movie told, yeah. I kept, so I saw those parallels the whole time. Thank you. Thank you. I just Stewart. I was just remembering all those episodes of Veronica's Closet IDVR, because that share is still on, right?

Because it's super big. It's a big hit. You're like, this is about a lingerie company. It's got to get good at some point. So anyhow, I like that show. Veronica's closet. I think that's because you're a big Dave Cortez fan. You like the non-chairs work at Perstia. I liked Olive, the character of Olive. Remember that. She's the one that looks like this. You guys can't save me, but I'm...

Thank you for making that face over the fucking pod waves. Everyone knows. Okay, so she works at this place. She doesn't really like her job at all. Oh yeah, we haven't even gotten any of them to share it. And Bill Gates is like Snake Man, not the Snake Man from Jonah Hector's movie, which is my favorite character in a flop-ass movie of all time.

But no, this guy who's like an inner- Both skinny guy with some fucking shredded abs comes in. Dude, every guy in this movie has shredded abs. That doesn't define him in any way from any other male cares. He's got thinner shredded abs. That's true. Her husband has broader shredded abs. He shredded like if you glued a bunch of steaks to a skeleton.

If your abs aren't shredded, just don't even show up to the movie. Do not applaud. Don't even be in the audience. This movie was a reason I called this movie, and you do not have shredded abs. Just leave the popcorn with her and go fuck itself terminate in the bathroom. This movie was called Tyler Perry's 30-minute abs. Just wait, because it's 30-minute abs. We all had to wear those he-man chests on us from the drugstore during Halloween movie watches movie because

they wouldn't let us watch it otherwise. Okay now get to the jerk. So wait, yeah, snake man's a jerk. Snake, snake jerk walks in. It's really rich. But we don't know he's a jerk yet. And though pretty much assume, he starts almost immediately hitting on a married woman. Yeah, and Kim Kardashian refers to him as, what was it, the third most important internet

something since Mark Zuckerberg. The third most important internet, yeah. Internet model. There's been internet since Zuckerberg. The third most important internet. Internet. There's been internet since Zuckerberg. Yeah, but no, yeah. One of the times, what I'm trying to say. He's got the hots. Wait, what? He's got the hots for this.

He's got a copy of hots on DVD. He's got the hots for this country mouse. But he wants a bad. It is. Yeah, it's totally like a city mouse on a country mouse. So this country mouse, she's conflicted, she's got a husband, this husband is kind of having sex with her, but kind of not.

But he's like real conservative. So she wants to go a while, she wants to act like a lion, he's not into it. His idea of wacky sex is him in his underpants playing a guitar with a cowboy hat. I'm not really playing that guitar. So she got pretty offended by that, because he's got some guitar skills in this dude,

despite having shredded abs just not. He was just holding the guitar. Yeah, and lip syncing to a tri-low tenderliteness, the like the record he put on, and he danced around at a cowboy hat and nothing else. But she's that even having a guitar? Time has learned songs to get laid. Yeah, man, you got to put the working is what I'm saying. Exactly. You can't just go to the gym and get totally awesome. But you go to the gym

and you bring your guitar to the gym. You do the leg machine and you practice your guitar. That's how you get laid. Guys, that's what we say. From a woman. That's how you get laid. Guys, from a woman, that's how you get laid. That's why my upper body is not developed because I can only do leg stuff because my hands have to be free for the guitar. But anyway, Snake Man really awak in the sexual monster within this young lady. Yeah, it starts like a full court press on her birthday. He sends her flowers. He's all about, you know, getting it on. Because her husband forgets her birthday.

Two years in a row. Two years in a row. That is not okay. So, Haley, you have a husband. Okay. In the future, maybe. In the future, you have a country husband who forgets your birthday two years in a row.

How do you feel about that? I would be like, I've already left him after we forgot the first one. But what if he has super shredded ass? That's Nick Man's start to look pretty good, right? Yeah. Yeah. And he's a billionaire or something, right?

He's a pro-blame. He's got a co-brom we find out. Well, he seemed so nice before. He likes to run and he likes to apply bandages over your clothing. Carried her, he picked her up, that's a huge plus. Yeah. This actually plays into what I wanted to say. They're just seeing...

We're bouncing all over the place. Yeah, we're bouncing all over the place. We need the structure of the L.A. But there's a scene early on where so her her her sexual heat has been awake and she comes home and she wants to have crazy rough sex with her and that sexual heat is usually evidence by her with her mouth kind of open and her eyes going almost cross yeah so she attacks her husband and she like grattles at him, but not like I like I like I'm like a sort of a sexy

like growly wetly. Like she might as well be barking like a dog and then she slaps him in the face several times. She's probably, she is asking for rough sex the way you would think Kirk Cameron would pretend to ask for rough sex. Like someone who's never seen actual sex. Yeah, the idea of rough sex. It's like baby wanting to sand but she's like,

Ruh, Ruh, Ruh, no, I want your weiner or whatever. I don't want to shout out on your weiner. X for Ruh, is please. She doesn't say that. But she starts laughing at me like baby, we're gonna, we're gonna, you're gonna eat the sandwich we're gonna go to the end of the bedroom normal style we're gonna forget this ever happened and you think that Stewart is joking but those are almost for me says the only thing you're gonna

growl at is this sandwich yeah so she is she's got You know, I'm into food boy. Yeah, right So I don't take that in my bedroom then you're gonna have to get a different kind of sheets She's got blue ovaries at this time So she wakes up She She is frostbite and her over it. You miss that scene? So she gets up early and she goes to the park where she knows.

That means they're a boy. Well, she started to have thoughts about sexual thoughts about this guy. That's Nick guy. Yeah. So she goes and she deliberately runs into him and they go jogging and then she runs into a guy who's riding his bicycle in the park.

Yeah, really? He just runs head first into a guy. And snake guy flips out and threatens to be this guy up which triggers something in her because earlier her husband was not man enough to protect her from some guys who are cat-callin' her. Yeah, a couple of guys saved the cheese of finance bitch. Not a finance bitch like Dan's wife assumed.

Yeah. The best miss here. But yeah, he takes her back to her, his love nest, you know, puts the moves on her. Yeah, but at this point, she's having that up. A lot of the moves on her, he applies an ace bandage to her ankle over her sweatpants and her jog pants. I don't know. But at this point she's having none of it. But at this point she's having none of it. But at this point she's having none of it. But at this point she's having none of it. But at this point she's having none of it.

But at this point she's having none of it. But at this point she's having none of it. But at this point she's having none of it. But at this point she's having none of it. But at this point she's having none of it. But at this point she's having none of it. But at this point she's having none of it. But at this point she's having none of it.

But at this point she's having none of it. But at this point she's having none of it. But at this point she's having none of it. But at this point she's having none of it. But at this point she's having none of it. But at this point she's having none of it. But at this point she's having none of it. But at this point she's having none of it. But at this point she's having none of it.

But at this point she's having none of it. But at this point she's having none of it. But at this point she's having none of it. But at this point she's having none of it. But at this point she's having none of it. But at this point she's having none of it. But at this point she's having none of it. I'm not gonna talk to you about the talks, speaking of the story. How do you do that? Friday night lights, my favorite character was Tim Leggins. So you're a fan of bad boys. Yeah, man. John Carter. So she gets back to their husband for a little while, and then eventually she's like, oh wait, I've been spent,

you know, she spends a lot of time with his other guy who's super wealthy. She's eventually seduced by this wealth. Her mother shows up to stay with her wife. No, wait, I don't want us to gloss over the like rapes he had met lead to their ultimate. Oh, yes, it comes up. Yeah, we don't want to gloss over that because like, guess it. Okay. Not since straw dogs. Yes, you have you seen an uncomfortable rape scene turn into, I guess the lady totally being into it. Like a hot passion, it's sex making. Yeah.

It's sex making. Yeah, so they take a, they take it, they take it as private jet down to, they take the private jet down to sunny nollens or New Orleans as Yankees call it. And they do, they shoot a couple Mondages of them doing fucking New Orleans stuff. Yeah, like even Jay has a name.

Shit ton of binyes. Yeah, like, cronads probably. I don't know. Drinking fucking normal mom. Fishing, fishing for the river with like a string tied around their toe. Going out with like a fan boat. Sure, hanging out.

Hitting the fly with a voodoo-oom gun. Shilling frogs. They're tits to a bunch of people through V2V. Both of their tits, it's crazy. No rules, just right. So they, and then they're on the flight back over Champagne on his private jet. What's our, the bad guy's name is Harley. Harley.

Yeah. Harley Harley. Yeah, he's a patent on the fucking name He doesn't even have a patent. He just he just got the domain He's made out of money. That's why it's so much fun. That's why it's so much fun. It's so much fun. It's so much fun. It's so much fun. It's so much fun.

It's so much fun. It's so much fun. It's so much fun. It's so much fun. It's so much fun. It's so much fun. It's so much fun. This one's like kind of weird with his eyes open. Like it's super strange. And eventually gets to the point where he's just got to have it.

He can't forgive his ache and groin. So he starts to make a move. You know, she wants it, man. And she resists. She says, no, many, many times before he eventually says. Not only does she say no, she like pushes him off pushes him off and she's like no get off of me this is wrong no please I don't want this I'm very sorry I told you many times no enough times to make everyone in the

audience but okay yeah this is a this is gonna be a rapeseed we don't want to see this we did please funny, that's not funny. Stop laughing. So until, and then he says very calmly, okay, so you can say you resisted before they then proceed to make out and totally do it. Which is weird, because who's she gonna say she resisted to? Like the press, the pilot.

The pilot. The pilot. The pilot was coming back to get them little wing pin. So I'll just, I feel like slowly backs back into the cockpit. I was just dead. I was just dead. So she totally does it with his dude, she cries, she takes a long shower, and then she gets on a fight with her husband, I guess,

and then she calls him up again. And yeah, she can't, she can't, she can't, apparently she's just gonna have her normal urges, they're totally normal urges, and she goes, you know, do what your body wants. And then they do it some more, and they get in a fight, and then they do it some more. But like, it is bad news from the get-

Yeah, like right away, you know, this is not gonna be a great relationship. He, the second time they're together, she's drinking wine, he's like, here, have this. She's like, oh, I'm okay with wine. And he's like, no, have this. And then she snorts cocaine. But it's weird.

But the whole thing is weirdly framed. So you have to just infer that it's cocaine. They never show what he's giving her. They just show her being like. Downer fairs like we can't afford even fake cocaine movies. So you're just going to pretend these. Yeah. And meanwhile, you know, her mom's in town. She's like the Reverend. The Reverend. You're not sure. You don't call me at 6 a.m. to pray anymore, which is in her defense. I wouldn't call a Reverend to pray at 6 a.m. to pray anymore, which is in her defense. I wouldn't call a reverend to pray at 6 a.m.

That's crazy. That's really early. And the reverend is like, you don't cook for your man. That's also weird. The reverend shows up to really support some retrograde notions of that marriage, basically to shame her daughter and subservience. But anyway, we need a while to use, am I right? And this husband, her daughter's not supporting

is getting in this weird adventure with Moisha, who gets a job at his pharmacy. It turns out Moisha had a bad boyfriend and is on the run from him, so she gets a job at a pharmacy. Husband, they were married. Oh, they're married. I didn't know that part. Mary. I was a little too focused on the kind of sassy old white lady who owns the pharmacy. And is always trying to get them to like take some value. Trying to give them take value. Trying to infer that Moesha is a lesbian. We're having a tonana hard candy from the jar up front

and putting her purse. She's a real character, guys. Watch out for that one. I think there's a role like that for you in the upcoming Tyler Perry movie, Bad Pharmacy Hunter. So, I love Perry's magic. Bad Pharmacy's owner.

Pharmacy's owner? She zones pharmacies? She's like, a city planner or something? She would be terrible at that. She's a council member, okay? There's already eight pharmacies on this block. We can't have another one. So Tyler Perry, who these bed pharmacies owns.

Smash got to our heroine Judith, who is hanging out with her new boyfriend Harley. They're doing a bunch of Coke. They're going to these weird sex parties where everybody's kind of like a sex zombie. I think they're just night clothes. That's a wait a minute. It's not like any nightclub I've ever seen, but you just wander in and people start grabbing it against you. And hopefully you think.

Yeah, sex zombies, because the husband, who is a very handsome man, comes in and is immediately clawed at by some... He's like pushing women down. Yeah. Probably pushing men down. Who knows, man, it's the 90s. So, uh, Stuart, oh, I got some bad news for you. We'll go right over the podcast.

So after that, she goes home with her husband or she has a conversation with him. No, she says, sorry, dude. Get back in your old-timey truck. I don't need you. She's like, you're a great guy, but I need an exceptional guy. Yeah, that's the other one you're saying.

I mean, that's kind of a compliment still, right? Yeah, I mean, I don't think she hates them or anything. She's just, you know. She says the other guy makes her feel alive. She just wants to feel alive. And she feels dead inside when she's feeling her husband. Yeah, because that makes sense. I mean, he forgets her bond and he's kind of slapping.

He's not in the weird slap-sex. And he forgot her birthday two years ago. But I do want to mention the very deafed film choice of the dichotomy between the snake's car and the husband's car. So the snake's car is like red Ferrari. And the husband's car is like old-timey truck with a hape. Yeah, there's truck with a hay bear on the back.

Yeah, there's like a hay bear on the back. Like, what did I like? How long have they been in the city? They still got hay in the back of the truck. It's the most obvious, it's one of the more obvious country versus city mouse situations next to like sweet home Alabama. Anyway, but I think we're getting to the shocking

twist, too, which I think you should drop the bomb on how how can I tell this in the best way So so she's going crazy on cope get in fights with this dude all the time because it turns out he's not actually that great a boyfriend big surprise Meanwhile across town her husband is having dinner with Moesha This was the exact scene that how how he was forced to say this movie's got a lot of great booties in it. So Moisha forced it booty point. Moisha is explaining to Bryce, his name's Bryce, right? That's an awesome name. She's explained to Bryce about her former relationship and how her asshole ex-husband gave her HIV from sleeping around. It's partly her fault, I guess, for sticking around while she knew she was cheating.

And then the big reveal she explains her husband's name is Harley, our very own snake man character. For I was like, no way, my wife's with that snake man. So he jumps into his truck, they drive over there, he kicks down the door, finds them all like passed out and beat up. Yeah, because meanwhile, Harley has been beat like the shit out of Judah and left her in a bathtub so she doesn't bleed all over the nice carpet. Oh, so I mean he's thoughtful

To the carpet after he gets so Bryce rescues his wife She's super happy of course and then he wakes up Harley only to do a patented Goldberg spear to him through the window, beats him up a little bit, and Moe's just like, now you're killing him, he's like blah, blah, blah, he's probably already dead inside, I don't remember. And then he storms out, leaves the, I guess soon to be dead, web developer on the ground.

And so at this point, the recorders of our main characters have AIDS. Yeah, and by the way, I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be dated, but do you really want to bust, like throw a guy through a window and embrace him when he has AIDS? When you're going through a, I'm sure you should go down a wetsuit

or leather gloves or something. What are you saying? I feel like it's a lot of blood. So I don't want to misquit you, but what you're saying, Halle, is if you were going to beat up some of the aids, you would put on a hazmat suit. Sure. All right, well, tasers are readily available on our dad. That was a joke. Yeah.

You guys, that was a joke. It was for humor purposes. Yeah. Just if you want me to prove it. It's for humor purposes only. You don't retweet. Yeah. That was a joke. It's kind of a humor purposes. Just if you want me to prove it, you know, retweets. Yeah. So yeah. So we flash forward. So at that point, we're like, okay, I guess this is the whole story wonderful. And it cuts to the marriage counselor that we remember from the beginning, still talking to her patient, I guess. And her patience, like, thank you so much. For Tommy, the super boring story, I guess was such a dick that he stormed out of

this session, but no, she was still saying about another guy. And just like, now I won't go off with them. I see. So you've slut-chamed me into not going off of this guy. I guess I'm gonna devil. This is what I don't want to get aid. So I won't go off of them. Yeah.

So, and then we find out that in truth, we realize the hero from the story Judith is actually the marriage counselor who's telling us the story. She goes to the same exact pharmacy that her husband works at, but it turns out her husband, it's not her husband anymore. He is a new family. He is a new decent God-faring woman who doesn't have a resume plate. We don't know that for sure, Dan. We know that he doesn't because the therapist asked her. Oh, yeah. But we do find out that Judith in fact has AIDS, as HIV at least. So the moral of this story is,

stay with your boring, non-interesting sex having husband who forgets your birthday and who fears God because otherwise you're gonna get AIDS. Yeah, or forget your wife's birthday all you want. You're gonna trade up on a much younger wife who doesn't have AIDS and it's gonna be great. So do you guys think he owned the pharmacy at the end?

Well, he had a lot of gray hair, so that gray hair probably came from business ownership. I didn't see the other old lady. She died. She's probably old leader and valium, right? I think if you look hard enough, you can probably see her as a ghost in the background. That's the kind of ivory detail that Tyler Perry usually has. So speaking of Tyler Perry's direct ordeal stamp, can I just say? This is a, this is a, almost to our movie, 110 minutes,

could easily have been 80. 25. If you're taking out all of the pregnant pauses. That were false pregnancies if you were. Because they were just, you know. Yeah, the rhythm of this movie, way off. Like, and, you know, a lot of those pauses came in the flirtation scenes and okay, I can forgive that a little bit. But there was also a lot of scenes of like, oh, two characters just awkwardly walking

up a flight of stairs and like fumbling with a lock. Yeah, let's get that all that's cool. No, you don't you don't need to just show the car arriving and then show them inside. You got to show them going up all of those stairs. You really understand the temptation that this wife is facing. You're gonna need a really long scenes of her work environment and see her coworkers kind of shaming her into wearing sluddy or clothes. Yeah, just long scenes of her staring at a guy and him staring back at her and I'm talking as slowly as possible.

Well, at least I can accept that because that's like some kind of awkward attempt to recreate flirtation in a movie, which that's the way you get ladies. That's how that's how I do it. It is. I basically do a lot of mugging and snake charming. Literal mugging. I have a purse. Go on a date with me, please.

I can probably find out either your current address or a past address. So I'll send you a love note. This stuff in your purse and leave it on your doorstep. The cash will be gone. Well, that's what paid for the note. Okay, man, we, uh, wow, that was a tight summary we just did. Yeah, front-to-back new jokes, no tangents. Perfect. Nothing funny. Nothing funny. So what else do you have to say about this, Dan? How do you feel? Tyler Perry held up his end of this contract between you and you and him. Me and him as a viewer. This movie did not only anger

me on a movie level, a movie craft level. Well, you grew up with parents or a parent who was involved in the church, right? You grew up with Tyler Perry, right? Yeah, we were best buddies. We were the inspiration for lethal weapons. They took some liberties with their story. Yeah, exactly. You're kind of a rigged figure.

I mean, I had religious, I grew up in a religious family, but not a weirdly retrograde. Sure. So your parents own cyst on your wife, cooking for you, servicing you three times a week, it was at least three times a week. At least three times a week, yeah. Yeah, I don't, this movie upset me. I think we should just go on to final judge.

We should talk about whether this was a good bad movie, a bad, bad movie, or a movie we kind of liked. I think you know where I stand. It was a bad, bad movie. It was bad in craft. It was bad in message. How would you have to say? Yeah, like I have to be honest. I was really excited to watch this movie. I had seen it because KK

was in it. Kim Kardashian. One K off from being very unfortunate. But no I had seen the preview somewhere and I was like hey I wouldn't admit, but I'd love to see that movie. And then, for the box of wine. Right, and throughout it, I kept feeling like, I needed to find this for that thought. Yeah, yeah, that God was punishing me for ever being tempted with this movie.

So no, I thought it was a bad bad movie also. I feel like, I mean, I'm it was a bad bad movie also. I feel like, I mean, I'm gonna side with you guys, but I feel like it, if it had been a little bit tighter, if it hadn't been quite so long, I think it might have been a good bad movie because it's so stupid and so hammy. And so very ham-fisted in its message, for sure. And the idea of punishing all the bad,

that like the bad characters with HIV is so crazy, it's such a crazy leap. Yeah, the twist is so strange. But they didn't punish Moisha, she was okay. Or was she? I mean, she never found me. I mean, she's still alive at the end of the movie because I think she's still working

on that pharmacy. Yeah, she was. And that's a good job, you know, probably, I mean, once he took it over, he probably offers benefits to all of the boys. Yeah, let's get that. So I guess that's three bad bad movies. So I'm sorry, everybody. All right.

Well, what's the next thing we do, Dan? Great segue steward. The next thing we do is we answer letters from listeners. Listeners like you. Yeah. What was that then? Letters from listeners like you. You're not even doing a letter song.

I can't. Letters. Three half-hearted leather songs. Please get the letter. Great. Thanks. So before actually before we get to letters, we're gonna reach deep into that mailbag. A quick thanks. We get a fair number of donations from fans and I've fallen down on hard times. I've fallen down when it comes to recognizing all of the donations, but I did want to send a quick thanks to Robert Dunston, who is ridiculously generous donation. He sent us a ridiculous amount But thanks forever. He's a million dollars. Thank you. What's that?

That beeping noise Is someone at the door? No Something's about to get ended it out Um, we don't edit this So Dan's gonna reach deep into the mailbag, grab onto a nice juicy letter and pull it out. The first letter is titled, A Spookily Good Bad Thank You. It's from Mary Kate. She says, to avoid the Olsen twin jokes that have plagued me most of my life, she will

not with Ovoa S name. Moran. Okay, so it's Mary Kate Olson. She says, I discovered your podcast with your first mention in the AV Club and quickly became a flop house evangelist. I even started a church, but that was more for tax purposes. I know other fans have written in and said your podcast has been a bright point in tough times and I have to say the same. Things are great now, but that summer was particularly rough.

Dreaming of a world of tomorrow that contained a rocket crocodile, or craving a box of Chopin Goetables made for a wonderful welcome distraction. But I was also lucky enough to catch your 12 round screening. Afterward, I went up to Dan and mentioned I was visiting from Cincinnati on business, but I stayed an extra day for the screening. Dan looked to me like I was crazy. To be fair, I had had a few drinks, was wearing a party dress, carrying a two-go box of leftover risotto and was alone.

I brought her friend, but she had to leave during the intermission. I swear to God, I have friends. Spoiler alert, the screening was a highlight of an awesome trip that included a lot of theater and comedy. Anywho, thanks. The flop house is now one of my main sources for laughs. More than any TV show or good bad pun, my boyfriend throws at me who I've also indoctrinated to your podcast.

I think he's a keeper. Cheers from Mary Kate. I apologize for looking at you like you're crazy. Yeah, Dan gets pretty defensive at those live screens. I don't get defensive at it. I'm just awkward. I'm awkward in real life with people I actually know. Dan can't believe anybody actually likes it.

So you're giving him praise. That's how he'll look at you. I mean, yeah, particularly a strange. Yeah, he thinks he's being gaslighted or something. Mm-hmm. But thank you for that. Gas lit? Gaslighted?

No, no. I just wanted to, I thought that was a nice tale of a live flop house encounter. Sure. You're gonna tell us a tale of temptation being tempted by Dan McCoy and a flop house. Mm-hmm. Uh-huh. Luckily this one in Bethel. Pretty positive, I guess. Is the boyfriend? This letter is called Stewards Influence.

Uh-oh. Oh, girl. Hey, dudes. I guess there's a boyfriend. This letter is called Stuart's Influence. Uh oh. Oh girl. Hey, dudes. I was recently doing some online shopping on Amazon, looking to add more films to my ever-expanding collection. While looking over my wish list, I realized I still had the head of the family DVD there. Thinking, why not?

To my wish list, wishing that somebody would buy for me. Thinking, why not? I added it to my cart along with numerous other spookly good bad movies event horizon among them. After I made my purchase, moments later, a list of films recommended to me based on what I had bought popped up. The list read as follows. Castle Freak, Invisible Maniac, Dolman, and Dolman vs. Dmonic Toys. So I'm just letting Stuart know that his Taste and Films clearly influencing America's purchases,

or you know, it could be that they're all full moon movies, either or, signed Sarah last name withheld. So congratulations, you're a Taste Maker. Yeah, uh, I think, I think full moon features president Charles band is probably indebted to me or something. Um, and yeah, it's, uh, the first couple of times I've seen Castle freak and head of the family paired together. Uh, that's one I really knew that I've had in the family. And why are we all just watching Dance Cat smell boots? Because he's smelling my boots and he's smelling my cats.

She is smelling my cats. Yeah, I mean, honestly, Stuart, your story about Charles Bander, whatever, is pretty good. Yeah, it's pretty bullshit. But I mean, looking at my cat, looking at Halle's boots, is pretty great. I hope that you, the podcast list there. Okay, I'm matching as much as my-

Imagine a pair of boots soggy from the snow. Imagine a pair of tiny bean boots that fill out how he's tiny, elf feet. Imagine a giant fat cat. Perplexed by a human with such small feet Yeah, still carrying ice crystals from the snowy walkway Yeah, Lulu's having a field day with three different pairs of boots right now So so this has been the boothouse

Check us out for all your boot related needs. Big boot smart boots. Pick up our cats and boots calendar. It's discounted. Now that we're a few weeks into 2014. Yeah. So we're practically paying you to take it. So I hope that answered your question. If you had a question, which I can't remember. I love boots. So this next letter is titled, trying to introduce my mom to the flop house. OK.

First mistake. My mom asked me, what's a podcast? So I do my best to describe subscription-based audio files and it's going well enough until I start talking about some of my favorite shows. She likes movies so I mentioned the flop house and she's on board. I then make the mistake of mentioning the infamous Ding Dong Gate kind of of the film, Caz of Freak, where the titular freak may or may not rip off his own Ding Dong. At which point we have a massive communication failure. She thinks I'm just driving a man stealing a hostess brand snack cake on someone else, or maybe eating his own snack cake and then blaming someone else for the rip off. It was at this point I realized I maybe too far immersed in the floppy ass vernacular because the homophomes

never occurred to me. Bradley last name withheld. Yeah. So I think you're there's definitely a couple points where you went wrong there. I think describing something you really like using using the drunken steward explaining why he likes the movie Castle Freak is because he misremembered to do ripping his own dick off. It's probably a key moment where you messed up. I mean, I don't know why that would be something that you would share with your mom. Yeah, that's usually, that's what usually gets this podcast filed in iTunes under Not for Moms.

My parents listened to this podcast and it is a never ending source of alarm to me. My mom occasionally posts on the Flaw Files Facebook page. I just say Flawhouse and you didn't fuck with me that time. I'm not a monster like this. And so every time she does, it's really great. And it usually doesn't have any punctuation, but she's an English teacher. I don't get it. What about your mom? She doesn't have a Flawhouse. My mom. So my mom is a professor and one time she's not a professor And sorry mom

She yeah, I just She's a teacher, but she teaches sub grad school class. No, I'm sorry. She's the therapist But she teaches some grad school classes. Okay, she sells shoes She's a cycle in the list Hello, my mom. Okay, so she teaches these grad school classes. And she said that in Denver, Colorado, the whole place. Yeah, very far away from New York City.

New York City. Pretty far from the internet. And it's also a salsa. A salsa, a pastry county sauce. And apparently one of her students in a big lecture, I don't know that for sure. I made that up. It might have been a small class.

Approach her. Oh, what is this? Approach her and say, Do you really have a love? Are you, did I hear your daughter who was the same last name as you on this podcast? And it was this podcast. Which is super weird, because you,

I mean, you write for the daily show like your names and the credits on a show every night. I don't think anyone looks at that. Oh okay. Yeah especially since I would say 90% of the time the show runs long and the credits get cut off. Yeah or they run at like a hundred miles per hour. Yeah. So somebody else would be watching it super carefully to see Dan McColley listed. It looks more like Bert storage So this last letter is titled I found my hat We did it. I had written a couple of months back at about losing my hat during a move The move was from Chicago to Mount Prospect in case you were wondering.

QL, it's saying nope, he's not here. Well, I finally found the hat inside a box in the basement that my girlfriend never impact because all of mine are- She never impact a basement? No, the box in the basement. She's not lazy or anything, although sometimes I'm mowing the lawn

and I know she's just watching true blood inside. I'm like, God, come on woman. But I guess she just never got around to these boxes. And now that she found a spider in the basement, she won't go through the boxes. Anyway. You can't unpack the boxes. She's solely responsible for unpacking the boxes.

I think it's specifically her. I think if we're breaking down responsibilities, his responsibility is box unpacking and lawn mowing and he rehearses Trueblood, I guess fan page maintenance. Somebody is gonna watch it. Gotta watch it. She probably writes for television without pittier

so she got a right to watch that Trueblood. Anyway, he says, I would have written in and said, thanks for the help, but you didn't really do anything. I did all the work, but I didn't wanna let you know. Close the loop, you know? Okay, cool, see you. John last name with help. Didn't really do anything. I did all the work, but I didn't want to let you know. Close the loop, you know? OK, cool. See you. John last name will help.

Didn't we do anything? Didn't we, John? Didn't we? I mean, we did. I had a, a, a, Halle didn't really do anything. No. She's probably cooling her heels. Halle's what he was talking about.

A guy who lost hat. OK, let me explain. There's a guy. John, he lost his hat and he needed us to find it so we like read a letter about on the internet And people listen and they wrote about him the Facebook page. I guess I don't know flash forward now hat found Congratulations flop house we did we didn't boys There's a high that was a high five sound effect cut, everyone in mission control standing up and cheering. Crying.

Pop and bottles. So yeah, that was letters. We, what else do we fucking do here? Come on, man. This is the new studio, I'm almost up. Oh, so we talk about movies we actually liked. So we just watched a temptation, a story of Tyler Perry's marriage.

Now we're going to talk about movies that you should watch, probably instead of temptation. Jan. Oh, why did you go to me first? Stuart. Not Halley. I can go first, but as we said at the beginning of the show, I moved just recently from one apartment to another apartment in a new apartment, which means that I have not had a chance really to watch movies. Okay.

So there's no new movies. Because we're making the moving of your own. Classic word association. Classic classic word association. I will say though, I'll recommend another form of visual media. He enjoyed a bunch of funny memes on the internet. There was a really good Herban Jamal comic strip. Hey, overboard. What's up with those pirates, huh?

Yeah, I want to recommend, I watched the first couple episodes of the HBO show True Detective. Okay. And I really enjoy it. Like them, Makanae, right? Like that Makanae and that Woody Hilton. And it's interesting to think.

This too. That's a whistle sound effect. I guess we're you wooflessling there. Both of them. Okay. Yeah. I think it's. Burrow indeed.

It's interesting that I mean, both of those guys, I think are guys that when they first started out, you know, people liked him fine, but they wouldn't have been like those guys. That white man can't jump. Actors like they're going to be, they're going to turn out have been like those guys. That white man can't jump. They're gonna turn out to be super stars. But now they're a little older, they're a little grayer. They're super great.

They're super great actors. Yeah, I mean, they have experience at this point. Man, the economy's been on a hot streak. But that's, I mean, I think that that's the main thing to recommend the shows. good on its own. There's a lot of actually pretty funny stuff in that show for how grim it is. Yeah. Like the weird odd couple pairing between like Matthew McConaughey, who's super existentialist,

like grim guy and then Woody Hilton, who's playing like Woody Hilton. But mostly just acting on it's really fun to watch. Yeah, I recommend that. It's shot really well. And I'm a sucker for references to the King and Yellow and Lost Carcosa. Sure. You know, Lovecraftian, Mythos stuff.

Okay. Okay. Yeah. Stewart, what about you? I recently watched a movie that is probably going to be in my best of 2013 list that Dan's super waiting for. It was your next, which is kind of a play on, well, it is a home invasion movie, and also kind of a play on a home invasion movie and also kind of a play on a home invasion movie. And it stars, it

features a lot of what is it? Adam, I don't know. Adam Wengard, I think, is the director. And it's a whole bunch of these, like Indy horror filmmakers that have been throwing out a lot of movies nowadays. Adam's, there are no Joe Swanberg.berg, Ty West is in it. And it's got a great cast and the cast is kind of larger than I initially expected, being there was a low-budget movie. And it's kind of deliberate. It takes its time. They managed to put a fair amount of comedy in there.

And I don't want to go so far as to say that it's almost like a scream level take on a horror movie, but it does feel a little bit like a, almost like a postmodernist home invasion horror movie. So check it out, it's fun. All right, and I have confirmed that you are correct in the name of the director. Yes. Two points to Gryffindor.

I did it all because I rescue Hagrid. How are we? Do you have a recommendation? I will say if you're looking for a bad good movie. Lovelace is in Lovelace. Lovelace. Lovelace. Lovelace.

Has it landed Lovelace? Yes, is free on some form of watching stuff. It's Netflix streaming. Yeah. And I watched it the other day. And you know, it definitely has really stuck with me. I found a lot of moments in my life that I'm like, oh, that reminds me of this movie I just watched, which makes me think like maybe I should get

out of the porn industry, or at least the animal porn industry. Just kidding, but the point is good movie-ish. I recommend it. Well, did you start watching it like a 16 year old boy? Would it start watching it? Cause you're like, oh this is a movie about porno and it's on late at night so I'm gonna watch it. Or did he watch it because you're like,

I love a man to save free. I started watching with boys who were like, oh my God, this would be so funny if we watched this movie, wouldn't it be, it's so bad? But really, I think probably the 16 year old boy approach. And then I was like, that's the genesis of the flop house right there. the way. I think I think these boys need to be more honest about Come on man. Just get in front. I

Be a front by your goals. You need to have like a pervazoid rap session where you flip your baseball cap around and flip your chair around Like I've seen guys. Let's talk about your movie watching. Everyone likes to see naked people, all right? It's cool. Yeah. What a beautiful naked people. So watch it. Interesting recommendation. So we had a couple of movies we recommended.

We had a couple of laps. We talked about a movie for a while. Listen to some letters. So, Allie, what are we gonna do to stop the tyranny of Elliott from returning to our shores? Please don't go. Please. Well, if ever you need me, just call and I will be there.

Because you're down the hall for me. Exactly. Put up the Halli sign in the night sky. Could you describe the Halli sign for us? It's like a girl like with her chin on her hands. It's like, hey. That is totally the Halli sign. That's the hally, so.

Well, thank you for stepping in so bravely, filling a hole. Well, arguably small hole. Yeah, well, Elliot, chicken grease, smelling hole. Elliot selfishly decided to breathe. Yeah, he brought new live in the world. Yeah, big deal. Anyway, we can do that. Come on. Bag it. Bag it, everybody. Actually, I saw it. I saw his baby. It's pretty cute. Okay. Not it. He. Yeah, that's true. It's pretty small still. Sure, you can go either way. You don't know. We're gonna leave it up to it. We're a post-gender society at this point.

Well, the potential for offense in this, you know, it's been great. Yeah, so we should probably sign off for the flop house. I've been damn cool. That's how we do it. And I've been steward Wellington. And I've been and will continue to be Halley Hagland. Can I have everyone? Yay!

Good night, everybody. I'm a suit. Do we need to do any promotion of t-shirts? I'd like to promote my t-shirts. Okay, I guess something has been a lot of talk about my t-shirts. We'll file that in a new business. A friend of mine tried to order a t-shirt and we were sold out and then we weren't sold out and she got her t-shirt.

What? Good story. So, it's a regular confession of a... An emotional royal. My friend of this thing, it was super boring. She was tempted to buy a t-shirt.