The Flop House - The Flop House: Episode #177 - Dracula: Untold

Episode Date: May 2, 2015

We've seen him 3D, but are we ready for Dracula: Untold? Meanwhile Stuart demonstrates his innovative mixology, and Elliot and Dan reveal the surprising Dracula-centric details of the Mad Men finale.Movies recommended in this episode:Donnie BrascoSpringDracula: Pages from a Virgin's Diary

On this episode of the podcast, we discuss Dracula, Colin, Untold. Why would Dracula bother telling anyone about his Colin? What's a podcast? Hey everyone and welcome to the flop house, I'm Dan McCoy. Hey there, I am Stuart Wellington. Welcome to the show, I'm Dan McCoy. Hey there, I am Stuart Wellington. Welcome to the show, I'm Elliot Kalen. Step right up, step right up and listen to a podcast. You must be this tall to listen to this podcast, but I'm holding my hand very close to the ground.

Basically, if you're taller than David the gnome, go ahead and listen, but if you're David, my brother, get the fuck out of here. Who's this David the gnome? David the gnome was a kid's television show? Why have you not ever introduced me to your friend David? No, he's not a real gnome I'd like to meet a gnome That was really you never thought that me Dan McCoy your best pal would like to meet a gnome

Well, I tried to introduce it to norm a gnome name norm And I tried to introduce either the troll and central park and neither of those were apparently cool enough for you He's just a Connecticut Yankee. I was so busy hanging out at KINGAR this court. You don't have time for a pebble in a penguin. Well, that was a problem. I was burned by that time that you introduced me to that penguin who kept talking about a pebble. I don't care.

I told you that was his thing. How shiny his pebble is. How much he loves that pebble. It's just a fucking rock penguin. Oh, and yet fruity pebbles give me more please fill up my bowl with it. You're right. Checkmate. You gotta I got you with your pebble hypocrisy. Um, but that's not all about the base no pebble, huh, Dan? That is an oddly contemporary reference of you, Helen. I occasionally go to the supermarket and hear new music there.

you, Kelly? Hi, I occasionally go to the Supermotic and hear new music there. Playing over the loudspeakers. The loudspeakers. The loud and wanewright speakers. Yep. So this is a podcast where we watch a bad movie and then we talk about it. Just three dudes hanging out, shoot the shit. Chillin' Elliot. Let me set the scene. Okay. Elliot has a big glass of water.

Yep, you know it. What looks like eight ice cubes in it. At least, I like my eye water cold. Stu is drinking a Modelo. Yeah. And he also has a, what is that? A Seltzer, a half drunk, Shwebs off to the side while a product placement And I'm having a mess cow old-fashioned

So it's a drinking advantage. So it's racist. That's what's old-fashioned about it What it's racist and it says things you're kind of embarrassed about in public. Yeah, that's what I got a drink it fast Get in your belly. We're no one can hear it. He's got his head with a sheet, so he deprised all of his other senses from Mezcal. So, Dan, how does this fit into a round table, like the Knights of Old? How does with our recording equipment, like the Knights of Old, how does this fit into the Watch a Bad Movie and talk about admission statement, which you put forth to the audience as the reason we do this thing?

I just wanted to paint a word picture for their minds. They're, well, let me tell you, word van go. Don't. I'm painting a nerd picture for them. I'm a third nerd sitting around the table. So are you glue a bunch of nerds to a picture? I mean, the candy nerds? Yeah, not humans.

It happens all the time. Rembrandt's the night watch has had nerds to a picture. I mean, the candy nerds? Yeah, not humans. It happens all the time. Rembrandt's the Night Watch has had nerds glued to it many times. Remember the Nerd Watch? All those versions of Edward Munch's, the scream had nerds. And now Mather lost the ages. Yeah, yeah, because Termite saved him. Thankfully, he did a bunch of those.

He had a lot of screaming to do. Yeah, but we watched him and we called Dracula on told. It was about a Dracula. It was full of Dracula's. You're right. The previously untold story of one, ripped from that one. One Gerald B Dracula.

Now here's the thing. The Dracula story is not previously untold. It is quite often told. I don't, and I don't like the one. I mean, this version hasn't been told before, but it's because it's terrible. The pretension of the title is, this is the origin of Dracula that you never heard before, but this is the story of Dracula. This is the untold tale that has been hidden for ages.

Yeah, you had to read Stoker's Soamerillion or whatever he wrote. Yeah, he's unpublished works that is Sun Chris Stoker. And it didn't put up a publication. It's Frantic Christopher. I'm making money on my dead skin. C-R-I-S-S. Because it's Chris Angel Stoker. He's a mind freak and a posthumous publishing freak.

But this is the origin story of Dracula. And this is, at first I think it's just going to be a new Dracula movie. And then, because the Marvel Universe of movies was such a hit, Universal Studios decided, hey, rather than just making use of this Dracula character who's been part of the Universal Monster Library for 80 years now, let's start a monster universe.

Because you know what people, you know what, how what operates the same way as superheroes, monsters. So, this became the seed for, I assume Universal's plans to have multiple months. It's just part of the same universe as I frankincense. Is that the same? No, that I think that's a different universe. I mean, it's a different studio possibly. But I'm not sure about that. Yeah, it wasn't one the underworld and this is the overworld.

Uh, I don't know what that means. But here's the thing. More like Blunderworld. High five. Come on. Yeah. Anyway, I wish you podcast listeners could see the local purist God's. I mean, it just gave me a flagrant misuse of a high five. Yes. So the thing is there's a lot of potential in that idea of a shared universe because the universal monsters were the original shared universe.

They started as separate movies with separate characters. And over time, as universal tried to ring every less dime out of these. I'm gonna tell him to show up. Yeah, I'm gonna show up Frank and Simon meet the wolf man. They'd go to the house of Dracula eventually Bellagosi met a Brooklyn gorilla. It's not related. It's a different movie. But you did have these. I like the idea though. Like they just met like at a party. Because like it's the actor Bella Lugosi. That's what I used to do a stand-up bit about about how Japanese monster movies have conflict

based titles. It's Godzilla versus Hadoora, you know, Godzilla versus King Gadorah, but with American movies there's always Frankenstein, Avon Castello meet Frankenstein. See, they're just out of mixer. Dracula meets the Wolfman. It's a wolfman. I've heard quite a bit about you Give a lot of shared interests those two

You like drinking blood. I like drinking blood. We should hang out. Move man's drink the blood The pin the on the Folklar we both don't like silver. This is a we should double garlic too. Maybe I don't know Wolf's been doesn't do anything for me, but you. See, that's why they would want to meet so they could cover all that shit. Yeah, so they could compare notes on their monster lives. On their weaknesses.

Because they're like, just right about. Just give it to each other or something. They'll make a list and then hide it somewhere so that our monster hunter enemy's gone find it. He's becoming a Nazi, as they do the voice. But, let's begin on this. He's becoming a Nazi, as I do the voice. But I'll... Let's begin on.

It's none of our voices started out that great. No. All monsters want someone to talk to, because otherwise the only one they have to talk to is Bugs Bunny, when he's giving them a manicure right before he blows them up. So let Dracula untold is the origin story of Dracula, which the universe has been crying out for very quietly, because nobody really cares that much about it. And it's one of a number of different attempts

to make Dracula into more of a romantic hero than a force of unmitigated evil and darkness, which is the way I prefer the character personally. Yeah, it seems like movies always labor under the delusion that, okay, this character has his name in the title, so we need to make him into Eromatic Hero. He must be the hero. Yeah, rather than just like a mysterious force.

And this is a character who has a sexual charisma about him. Let's just go all the way and make him a good guy, rather than having the audience be made uncomfortable by their attraction to this evil. Yeah. Like, I'm not against, I guess, universal trying to go their own way and have. They can go there. Oh, wait. Go there.

Oh, Dracula. They can tell the Dracula. So it's not untold. Okay. Run it on Dracula. Run it on. Run it on. Run it on drag.

It's just. He's like the wind. Run it on run it on drag Tussq Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-duh-d They're all tragic. We had a man see that everyone had a bad catalog that you can a bad catalog. That's what Dracula let's talk about Dracula. What are you in the same? So I like the idea that law. So Universal might be trying to try to establish their own like world of Dracula, but they borrow the exhibit at a but they borrow so heavily on like the Copa Ludd 90s movie. Yeah, like 2015

Dracula's will be all diesel No longer feed on blood. I mean he's ripped. He is super diesel Shaq diesel, but you're right. They like it's I would not mind a totally original take on Dracula But to have like a half in the same thing that happens with a lot of the movies we watch where they don't go all the way into originality, they just kind of steal from other places. Well, as I was saying,

there's like the new Robocop of Dracula's. While we're watching it, like I'm just tired of revisionist takes on everything. Like it seems like movies that are made these days are just like the idea that we have, oh, we've got a new take on this. And so it's got it. It's a good. You prefer a new take on it. Well, no, I mean, it's just like, well, maybe admit it, damn.

I would, but why are you interested in the property in the first place? It is called Dracula Unclothed. You'd be all over it. I would. But and I've probably watched that move on to 7x. But like, you have to look at the property in the first place and be like, why am I interested in this character? You know, and at that point, it feels like it would be a more original thing at this point to just do a straight up Dracula adaptation and try to do it well. Yeah, instead of some kind of traction hero.

Yeah, right up now, tell me what's the Dracula's story all about the drag history all about as Paul have dual saying. Okay, so what how does his move? Is the track cat? What? The C-track opposite bite each other. They find it not even opposites a drag. Elliott. Too obvious. So let's quickly go through the plot as quickly as we ever

can on this show. Take two steps forward. show take two steps forward you take two steps drag Come together because obviously it's a drag you can't run drag with drag We're going back to the drawing board on this when I like Demi Moore and Rob Lowe were part of the drag pack There are the hot young stars who are biting people and sucking their blood out. They could get away with anything back then. Anyway, so we start in the Middle Ages, where we are told about how the Ottoman Empire to retain the loyalty of its vassal states, takes tributes in the form of children that they train into feared, Janissary Warriors.

One of these, Vlad the Impaler, a prince of Transylvania, who at the time is just called Vlad, he's yet to impale anybody. He is taught to be a feared warrior and then he eventually becomes the Impaler because that is how he, that's his thing. That's how he shows off how many people he kills the Impaler. He decides that he doesn't want to be a soldier anymore and he returns to become Prince of Transylvania and there he lives in peace because he pays tribute in the form of silver coins to the Ottoman, his Ottoman Turk warlords. He's out with his scouting party one day, his best buds, his merry man, if you will. And they find its trail.

Much of blonde guys, basically. Yeah, because this being Transylvania in the middle ages, they're all blonde or English looking and sound having English accents. Very historically accurate. It's guys on their lunch break from the set of that Vikings TV show. It does feel a time like they shot it. Like they shot it as a lark in between Vikings TV. I call that that Vikings TV show. Now it's not faulty, that 70-show, titling rubric.

But what if it did? And Dracula, we should mention, or Vlad, is played by Luke Evans, a flop house three Peter, I believe. Yeah, he was one of them musketeers. He was a musketeer and he wasn't immortal, right? Yeah. He's Bob Evans' brother, but in fact, I don't think that's true. He's named a restaurant here in Bob Evans. Yeah, he's a regular, you know, Eric repair.

Yeah. That's where you take Eric's when they're broken. Eric repair. Anyway, I'll show myself at. So the scouting party goes to a mountain cave on broke tooth mountain, which I guess is the ancient Transylvania version of broke back mountain. And I expect to drag you on his men just to fall in love and start doing it right there. Do some impaling.

Yeah, tell their wives that they were on going on a yield fishing trip, but that didn't happen. It's do some impaling. I just heard that. It took that like a Brontosaurus with a nerve and the nerve impulse going from its tail to its head. It took a long time for me to hear that joke. They found it.

That's because your brain was trying to protect you. Yeah. A cloud of bats escaped from the cave. No, you're right. There's a lot of clouds of bats in the city. There's a lot of bat clouds. So don't laugh every time I mention them, because there's a lot of bat clouds.

And they find themselves in what seems to be an abattoir of men. There's just bones everywhere. And some kind of horrible creature kills all of Vlad's men before he Cuts it with his sword or reflects the sunlight onto it. It's a sword and it runs away. I don't know anyway Vlad goes back home in a local monk tells him hey you were fighting a vampire in there. Don't go back It's a guy who was cursed to eat blood forever. Now he's a demon or something Vlad the impaler go back. It's a guy who was cursed to eat blood forever and now he's a demon or something. Glad the impaler has a fine time with his wife joking around and he pulls her into a

bathtub with her. Then it's Easter. Well, just. Hold on. It was Easter. Yeah. All right. They mentioned that. You know, like looking for eggs or nothing, it's middle age. Middle age. Easter existed. They're all Christians. Yeah, all right, I should've noticed that. I mean, just because they weren't biting the heads off chocolate bunnies, isn't it, instead Easter? And they're, We're seeing Peter Conte Taylor or nothing.

That's not even an Easter song. A critter's two wasn't going on around them or anything. Right. Yeah, just because they didn't sit back and watch football or something, I don't know what happens to an Easter. Not a lot. There's more chocolate in the CVS than usual. Yeah, just because in the next scene we didn't see Dracula buying half-trice peeps at CVS.

Doesn't mean it was an Easter. It's a good deal. Are you off to Vade for after the holiday? I like it. I'm turning it to nuts. I like to sink my teeth into them and suck The mouse mellow out from She'll leave a husk of sprinkles children of the sugar. What's a beautiful taste? They make I Don't eat peeps. Yes, I do

Guess that was Dracula. The peeps is a really weird. This is a weird ad concept on Draper track. And we know no, here's the thing. He's an old Greek word meaning an unhealed vampire. What do we all want to make a peep? We all know how to make a

sound. We all only heard. But no one's heard. That's why we need our peeps. I don't know. They talk when we can't and who also talks when we can't vampire. That's why we need our peeps. They talk when we can't. And who also talks when we can't? Vampire. This is what they taught you growing up in that brothel. I don't understand.

Whenever I was a young boy, I'd help the prostitute steal from the men from their pockets. They'd give me a dollar. I'd spend it on peeps. And then I'd bite into the peeps neck and suck the cream out. Pretending I was a vampire. That was the happiest moment of my life. You're a real creep, don't you? Get out, get out of here.

A creep for peeps, and that's the slogan we've been working on. And I think you're gonna like, be a creep for peeps. And you got a big picture of Dracula biting a peep. He's got a ghoulish smile on his face. As if to say, I want to suck your blood, but I want peeps more. Another good tagline. Here's a, okay, how about this?

You've already lost the count. A young couple runs into a church yard, perhaps to make love. Away from the prying eyes of the community, they have with them a basket of that greatest effort, EZ-AC, Easter peeps. Because what puts us in the mood more than a tiny marshmallow chicken now or canary or whatever it is. We see a shadow hulking after them stalking them. Is it the groundskeeper?

No, it's Dracula. He rears up. They run off frightened, leaving their peeps behind and he looks the camera says, well, I got what I've longed it bites that off of me Dracula. He's creeps for beef. Roger, can you do something about this? You rain in your buddy. I'm not drunk. You're drunk Dracula for peeps. Let's get out of here Vlad

Anyway, that's the last episode of Mad Men. I hope we didn't spoil it for anybody So while they're celebrating Easter with his his wife and his son named Ingris A bunch of soldiers come in and he says, oh, I have your tribute. He says, no, no, no, we're taking children now. We want a tribute of a thousand boys, including your son, Vlad. It's one of those bad guys who shows up and just is like every time he says a line,

he has this like shit-eating grin like, you hero, you're never gonna stop me. Everyone, the villagers all love lad because he keeps the peace and the other, the Ottomans all like really resent him and they're very smug about it. Yeah. And I didn't like that.

And the Ottomans are mainly more white blonde guys. Yes, the Ottomans by the way, except for their leader. Who are all armed with like, Klingon Batlots. Yeah, they do all have Klingon Battle Axes. What do they call Batlots? And the leader is Howard Stark from the Marvel series, except they darked up his skin and he has kind of an accent. And whenever he walks, he swagger so much

that he's just thrown his shoulders around. He has every step as perpendicular to the last step. It's amazing. Yeah. His acting coach is the cartoon Brad Pitt from Cool World. Oh. So just specific reference. That was great.

That was good stuff. You go with that. Okay, bye guys. I'm going to get it. Now, Vlad refuses. Then he decides, maybe I will submit my son as a tribute. Then he decides he won't, and he kills all these bad guy soldiers,

he chops the hands off of me. Yeah, he's like just about to do it, and then the bad guy has to say one more shit. Yeah. Vlad says, there's no way we can stop this Ottoman army. So he goes to Brooktooth Mountain to talk to the vampire. And I would say one of the two entertaining scenes in the movie, the bad vampires played by what's his the two entertaining scenes in the movie.

The bad vampires played by what's his name Charles Dan, Charles Dan, Terri and Lanister from Game of Thrones, where you reminded us the assesses from a last action hero. Yeah, with the weird like gun site contact lenses. And he's all dressed up like those are contact lens. I thought it was like a fake eye. Is it? I don't remember. I don't remember. I don't remember. Let's just watch last section here. Yeah, pause the recording.

Let's go watch LAH and then we'll get back to this as the fans call it, hero heads. Lasters, they also call themselves lasters. Lasters, blaster is a big guy that you ride on top of in the Thunderdome. Okay. Oh, I think I'm on Master Blaster. That's what I was just talking about.

Okay. So Charles Dancer is really... Charles Dancer is all pale with a black shroud over me. Looks like Skryer, one of the worst Spider-Man characters ever created. So that's one of the spiderweb heads. And he kind of is way creepier and more interesting, to me at least, than Dracula has been

through the entire movie and from any point after. There's something inhumanly evil about him, like a guy who's lived in a cave forever just eating people like a descent monster. Yeah, even though he basically just shows up to deliver exposition, he does it with more penational character than anything else. And to offer a devilish deal.

You make a good point, which is how does he eat people in that cave? Does he just like order a bunch of takeout and then just feed on the takeout guy? He is essentially to this movie, what the Sarlac is to return the Jedi. He is a big open hole in a place nobody goes and somehow he manages to survive on that.

Yeah. I mean, and like we see him, like the first time our hero is a man who wrote to a man who's. It's beautiful there. There's got to be a shillow to hikers. Our hero manages to avoid him the first time he encounters him. So like he's got to be like,

ah stupid, stupid vampire. Oh, I fucked up again. Well, it wasn't I'm not gonna eat for another year. I heard the idea of a vampire who beats himself of a lot in private. And he calls himself vampire. You're the stupid Dracula. You're the one. Stupid Dracula.

You're the worst vampire. Idea for Jordan's book, The Worst Vampire. Yeah, because he tried to see himself a bunicula. And if I was a party. That was a thing. Does he drink blood or just eat vegetables? What the funicular, yeah, the macula with juice,

that a vegetable. He would drain vegetables. What is scary about that? He's not really just eat vegetables. What the funicular, yeah, the funicular would use that of vegetables. He would drain vegetables. What is scary about that? He's not really a scary book. I'm not really sure, well, it's a funny book. I'm not sure why the other pets were freaked out by a book because they were not in any immediate danger. It's creepy.

Vegetarian. Rabbit. Look, Count Dracula was a vegetarian too. It doesn't mean that guy was not always trying to kill him. Catch up, would he? Catch up, that was his thing, right? Yeah, he liked tomatoes and catch up and stuff. Yeah.

Did Darkwing duck and Count Ducula ever have a crossover? I wish. I don't think they did, but that would have been great. Considering they were from two different companies and continents. But Ducula was the danger mouse people, right? The same company. Yeah, I think so. It was similar. It was English and a similar anime. The thing I would love about a self-hating vampire is the fact that he can't even have that scene where he looks in the mirror and corrects himself.

He can't see himself. But in this movie, Ken, there's a whole scene on Kiskepa had redraculous fighting and he's watched in the reflection of a sword, which he shouldn't be able to do, right? Anyway, the vampire says to Vlad, I'm going to give you a taste of my blood. He says, I said. I said to him, Vlad. I'm going gonna give you some of my blood quoting the title of the great Theodore Sturgeon novella, some of my blood, a modern vampire story.

You haven't read it, it's a fantastic book. He says, I'm gonna give you some of my blood to drink. Just drink it out of this broken skull. Drink it out of this skull top. You'll have three days of total vamping. If you can avoid drinking someone else's blood in that three days, which you're gonna wanna do. Seems so easy.

Then you know what? The trial period is over. You'll have three days of total vamping. If you can avoid drinking someone else's blood in that three days, which you're gonna want to do. Seems totally easy. Do what? Then you know what? The trial period is over. You get to return the vampire powers. You keep a peaceful kingdom as my gift to you. Still, once you got that in your head,

like once you're thinking about drinking blood, all you want to do is drink blood. One thing I can't do is drink blood. I'll be fine. If I tell you right now, you can't drink any blood. Like you're just gonna... I'm gonna drink all your blood, I'll be fine. If I tell you right now, you can't drink me blood. Like you're just gonna, you're gonna drink all your blood. You're drunk with that sweet blood.

And I can see you. Basically what happens. I can see you're looking at me right now, like I'm turning into a big chicken leg in front of your eyes. But instead of a chicken leg, you're just a giant pulsing vein. I'm gonna get other blood sausage. A blood sausage makes sense. Yeah, I'm like one of those bags of plasma that you would have in

an IV plasma black. Yeah, Plasma Blast. Yeah, plasma blast. That's a big. That's an earth says we're gonna hook you. Yeah, I think you'd be a plasma blast. That's the Doritos extreme version of blood bags. Because her's blast him with 20 CCs of plasma. They just did it with a super-songer. It's cool. What a cool hospital. It's a mouth. Nurse, it's not going to get into his veins. If you shoot in his mouth.

That's just going to get in there eventually. No, it's going to pass through his intestinal system. You're just going to shit that blood right out. Cindy, after this dirt bike accident, just take me to the extreme hospital. We're going to blast you full of plasma, man. We're gonna set the... We're gonna set the... You acto plasma blasts.

We're gonna set this bone to the extreme, radical. This is some radical surgery. It's the same surgery, but I got my hat on backwards. And there's a sling shot in my scrubs. Anyway, so Vlad takes the deal. He says, this is going to give me the power to fight off the Ottomans. And I won't drink any blood for three days. So the jokes on you, Vampire. And the vampire says something like, if you become a vampire, I'll be freed from my curse. And I can leave this cave and get used you as a tool to get revenge on my captors

This is not mentioned again until the last seconds of the movie. Why? Because it's dumb, but anyway, Vlad goes he wakes up in a riverbed and he has the moment in every superhero movie where he discovers what his powers are by Bumbling around and crumbling rocks in his hand and healing real fast and falling into a stream and shit Anyway, Bumbling is stumbling. He's bumbling and crumbling rocks in his hand and healing real fast and falling into a stream and shit anyway Bumbling and stumbling is bubbling and stumbling. He's dripping and ripping. He is groping and popping But where's in like a superhero movie? It's that moment of like child like wonder it like oh wow, I have powers now This is silly because it's like I'm a vampire now, I guess Yeah, there's a big downside to what he can do

but so he goes back to is so he goes back to his home and the Ottomans show up and Vlad. And they're like, we invented this new thing. You put your legs on it. It's like, I don't want to hear about it. I'll just pull a chair up. I'll have Vlad go out and kill the whole moment. I'll pull up this cat bed I bought. I'll just get goes out and kills the whole of this cat bed. I bought

I'll just get a bail a hey I put my legs up on my my son the son that I'm not giving to you Crouched out here. Let me put my legs on your back I would always done it. Why do you think I didn't give him to you because I want to put my legs on him So the the Ottomans apparently follow Ninja rules, which is that an entire army of people circles the one hero and fights him one-on-one until they're all dead. They're all deadified.

And so you have an army of people is racing towards a castle. Vlad walks out to meet them. And instead of a few guys stopping a fight Vlad as the other guys run to the castle, everyone circles around him. They're like, one guy, let's go kill him. This is gonna be the sweetest murder of all. And then he totally destroys a phism with his vampire powers. He's turning into a cloud of bats. He took picks up their swords and stabs them a lot and steward as you pointed out. At one point

he says, men don't fear swords. They fear monsters. But then he just uses his monster powers to be a great sword fencer and stab them with swords. If there's one thing I've heard about medieval soldiers, is that they always choose the fight the toughest thing possible instead of fighting the wimps and the ladies that are stuck in the castle. Yeah. When the easy, if I was one of those Ottoman soldiers, I am rushing towards the castle. I'm not going to deal with that guy. Let me go to the castle, kill everybody in there, take it over, close the gates, Dracula can't get in, stop me. Maybe if they throw now a scene where like somebody said,

like, oh, kill that guy, I'll give you a hundred, I don't know, Ottoman credits. What do they use? Art books. Or if his like armor was made out of gold or... If there was some reason that they had for wanting to go after him specifically. Yeah. But that doesn't happen. Anyway, he says to his guys, I just destroyed a whole army, let's evacuate and get out of here. They go to a different castle, which is this crazy monastery.

It is a cookie monastery. On the way there, there's a... All the mocks are doing crazy thing. There's a Romani who goes like, Hey, I know you're a vampire. You want to drink my blood? And he goes like, hey, I know you're a vampire. You want to drink my blood. And he's like, no, that's cool. They go to the monastery. And unfortunately, there's an ambush by soldiers and Vlad shows up and inst and like does the stealth thing

where he has he's a cloud of bats killing bad guys one by one. Even though there's a battle already. Yep. The fact that he is superpowers, makes everyone think he's a vampire, which he is, they try to kill him by burning him alive. This is his own people, but he escapes. And he says, I only become a vampire so I could save you jerks. The Ottoman army.

Look at yourselves. Who's the real monster? Yeah, check your own selves. Check your privilege. Check your living unundid privilege. Check your living non-undead privilege. I can't walk around in the sun. You take that for granted. The police stop me wherever I go.

You know what it's like to walk into a store and be followed around by the van Helsing they hired to keep vampires from stealing stuff and bite the customers? That's right. I can't eat pizza with garlic on it. I gotta eat it with sweet onions. It's terrible.

Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. I can't eat pizza with garlic on it. I gotta eat it with sweet onions. It's terrible. Well, Steph, walk a mile in my Vant Boots. You'll know what it's like. Fly a mile in my cloud of bats. I have to be invited in to go anywhere and no one's gonna invite me in. I've never been invited to the bathroom at the public library, so I can't use it. I can't cross running water.

All water's running dudes. Well, that's not true. It's different. Handle me. See what happens, just be checking his phone. He throws that up a patty false thing and then he's just like, oh, wait, hold on.

Now he's double checking on Wikipedia. Look, I can't look at myself in the mirror. I have to take it for granted that my hair looks good. Nobody tells me. Where'd you just, it looks excellent. It's like, if I have at myself in the mirror. I have to take it for granted that my hair looks good. Nobody tells me. Where'd you just? It looks excellent. If I have something stuck in my teeth, I mean, that looks amazing, dude.

I can't have something stuck in my teeth forever. Cause I'm gonna be alive forever, and I can't look in a mirror. It's tough being a vampire. I mean, you could ask somebody, you could ask one of your red fields or whatever. This reminds me of another, I started a stand up bit I used to do earlier. This reminds me of a, of another, I talked about a stand up bit I did I used to do earlier.

This reminds me of a sketch I wrote once about after the tribute for Hurricane Katrina, where they were trying to raise one. The one where instead it was a tribute for the now homeless monsters of New Orleans. It was very dumb, but it was had Dracula saying that George Bush doesn't care about vampire people. So anyway, I was young. So- French hit. It was real satire.

The point is, guess what? Eventually everybody's like, okay, Dracula, you can help us fight this army. The Ottomans attack again. A lot of this movie is Ottoman Army attacking in Dracula just plowing through them, never getting threatened by them, really. In this case, the Ottoman Army attacks and Dracula unleashes his biggest attack yet. We call it the Bat Fist. He collects a swarm of like a million bats

and then he, like a conductor or a power glove, he controls them with his fist while they form the shape of a giant fist and are just punching the Ottoman. I think it's a fist, it's really tough to say this movie is pretty dark. Yeah, it's very dimly lit. And by dark, I mean dark and gritty. Like a real, a real, a real drac man returns. So like, how much force do you think like a bunch of individuals? I thought you were about to say four skin for some reason. How much force can you mean Dracula has? Like a lot. What do you mean?? Oh, I have like a lot.

What do you mean? Because he's dead. It's probably because he's dead. It's grown to epic lengths. No, no, because he's dead. Because after you die, somewhere to your fingernails, your foreskin continues to grow. No, when you become a vampire, you go down to hell,

and lose a foreskin, or maybe behemial, or one of his guys, cut off your foreskin. As modious takes it and makes a necklace out of it. And they go, we're gonna keep this as collateral. If you want your foreskin back, fix your part of the deal. No, I'm just, if it's... You mean, it's... Which is to be a bad guy, I guess.

Even if it's a bunch of bats, like... Oh no, they get with the horse. Of an artillery shell. Yeah. They literally... Even if it's a bunch of bats. Even if it's a bat bunch. The bat bunch.

I mean, I could see, maybe... Story of a lovely bat, bringing up three very lovely bats. Then they met a bat. No. He had three bats. No. They've heard of the bat bunch. The bat bunch.

I mean, it really seems like controlling bats, like your top power would be like, oh, rabies. Or like, you get rabies Hair he's so busy on his batslappin then he forgot to protect the monastery Because that's climb up and start killing his wife and late and people yeah some soldiers come in through the back door Which apparently they decided not to guard and? They kill his wife and kidnapped his son and they kill his wife and kidnap his son. Uh-oh, bump, bump, bump, and they manage to kill pretty much everybody in the castle.

Yeah. Dracula almost saves his wife. She plummets from a tower and he catches her, ooh, too late and she begs him. A great scene. In a not very good scene. He's a certain- Swim motion falling, a lot of like shots of faces and your style

chorus in the in the on the soundtrack and Dracula is trying so hard that he's like is tether getting longer he's exerting his bat power so much and his wife who knew he was a vampire vampire already she doesn't care though she's all about him she's all because he's totally ripped. Yeah. And he is not even scarred up anymore. Now there's a direct scar. He's sealed with his vampires. Uh, he, she says suck my blood so you can get the power. You need to save our son and he reluctantly does it. Uh, oh, within the three day limit. Now he's a full blown vampire.

Attack. The other vampire lives in the cave. It's Charles dances out of the cave. attack. The other vampire lives in the cave. And Charles dances out of the cave. Oh, dances. It does a two step. Does the bat Tuesday at the cave and flaps away to wherever. Yeah, he flies away to the end of the movie. Anyway, the Dracula finds a bunch of his people are still alive and he goes, hey, you won't revenge. He totally vampires him. Dracula goes to the camp where the Ottoman leader is, and his son is being kept.

He and his vampire soldiers arrive and are just cutting through everybody mowing down the Ottomans. He goes to confront the lead bad guy. After a lightning storm like that THX logo. Not the THX logo, that's the Don Simpson logo. What's the one with the bunch of lightning bolts? And then all of a sudden it's like,

the music swells and that's like this thing. Oh, yes, it's Don Simpson logo. What's the one with the bunch of lightning bolts? And then all of a sudden it's like, the music swells and that's like this thing. Oh yeah, some Don Simpson one. Yeah, the Don Simpson and Jerry Brookheimer logo. Yeah, there's Don Simpson's dead. I forgot to mention that. He died about 20 years. So if anyone out there hadn't heard that, I'm sorry.

This is not how I wanted you to hear that the producer of Top Gun died. He did Top Gun, right? Yeah, I maybe a little bit. I don't know. Or both. I was either artist in the movie's book magazine,

the movie's before Tom Martin. The movies before Tom Simpson died, the movies after Tom Simpson died, are not that much different. So the Simpson Brookheimer, I guess so, yeah. Like it all blitzed. No, Brookheimer continued the legacy.

Yeah. So anyway, yeah, he walks, Dracula walks towards them super cool with a bunch of lightning bolts flying around him like storm is there too. And he finally gets to the tent where his son's being held by the lead bag guy, but uh-oh, there are bags of silver everywhere and vampires can't take silver. Because he has to count up every single piece. So he's on a Chinese vampire. That's what I put it to. And tip for the tip up every single piece So we found a Chinese vampire That's what I put it and tip for tip for if you be chased by a Chinese vampire pull that handful of rice out of your pocket and throw it on the ground

And then run away because he's got a count that will foil the gian she is also easy to run away because he hops after you They're weird vampires. I don't know dude. Hopping's pretty fast. Nope Maybe the least fast way to locomotive without wriggling on your belly. Yeah, if you're a bunny, maybe. That's the only thing that I'll have. If it's a bunicula, yeah, it's gonna hop after you. Oh, do you think binoculars based on the Gion Chi myth

from Chinese mythology? I doubt it. No. I don't know. I could see someone being like, oh, that's interesting. Hopping vampire. A hopping vampire. A hopping vampire?

I'll make it about a vampire. I'll make it about a vampire. That's the way it holds on. I'll hopping it on. Honey, lock the door. I gotta write this book. Lock the door. Yeah, don't let anybody in.

I'm not the door from the outside and don't let me out. I'm not gonna scream until I outside and don't let me out. I'm out on the screen until I finish this book and I'm out of faith. I'm out of faith. I'm out of faith. I'm out of faith. I'm out of faith. I'm out of faith. I'm out of faith.

I'm out of faith. I'm out of faith. I'm out of faith. I'm out of faith. I'm out of faith. I'm out of faith. I'm out of faith. I'm out of faith.

I'm out of faith. I'm out of faith. I'm out of faith. I'm out of faith. I'm out of faith. I'm out of faith. I'm out of faith. I'm out of faith. I'm out of faith. I'm out of faith. your own adventures. And who names their kid Beasus for God's face? Ramona, that's on the borderline. That's on the cusp. Beasus. I feel so bad for all those kids who were named Beasus after that book came out. Oh yeah, because that's what a generation after book came out. So this is an explosion

in kids name Beasus. Yeah, I'm a freakingomics dude. Just like all these kids name super fudge Sounds like it sounds like a hillbilly trying to pluralize bees All these bees are Fly after me. Bees is already These Bees is they're stinging me Get away from those Bees You're gonna be totally stinging, Brad. This is the stinging, the stinging of a vacation process. Anyway, so I come in the room with Kevin Spacey's character from House of Cards.

You know, because our southern accents are so bad. So, Drack is in a room full of silver coins. It hurts him, but he finds the strength to fight back. He turns into a crowd of bats. He kills the bad guy, saves the sun, whoop, but he do. But uh oh, all of his village people are now vampires and they want to eat his son because now. American, the construction worker. The special in him. The biker. Why is the especially construction worker because he works out in the sun all day He totally wants to eat kids

Part of the village people backstory was that they're cannibal. Did we forget to mention that? Yeah The village they are is a village can't pull so I think it's the village is the village of the damned people Oh, and they're gay icons who can also read your mind. Oh, yeah, I like it. And they know you want to hear why I'm seeing that. They could be on their call the North Coacus. That could be on some kind of t-shirt, I think.

Some kind of like geek-friendly t-shirt is a village people village of the damn mashup. Yeah, yeah, okay. I can see that. Be it somebody makes you make sure. Like shirt, woot, give us money. Go to cafe press or something and go to nerds shirts.com What a mashup shit Sell a ride section Let us know that's a deep cuts to art. That's for the real super fans or super fudges look

Whatever it takes the real binoculars out there so was super fudge the last fudge of a dying planet that came here and our yellow son melted him into super past I think you're being charitable with the super part of that name now what if pretty good fudge would have been a better name there's a super fudge but Nikola crossover where they get merged together to become a chocolate rabbit for Easter it's like the end of Tetsuo, the Iron Man. Yeah, where they merge into that giant penis tank and run rampant through the streets of Tokyo.

How weird must that have been for bystanders to just see that running through the streets with a guy with like a 16-millimeter camera just running after it shaking the camera all over. Do you think they would have just been like, it's a living? shaking the camera all over. Do you think they would have just been like, it's a living. And then they go buy some soiled panties out of the vending machine. Yeah, yeah, and social stereotypes.

Mine was an accurate description of the movie, but anyway, we're so close to the end. The other vampires want to eat a sun. He says no go burrows. And he stabs one of them through the heart and that guy totally explodifies. Then a monk shows up with a cross, he says, I'm gonna save your son, and he takes him away.

The sun comes out and kills down all the vampires. And some great slow motion vampire melting. One guy is running while each of his limbs is exploding and it looks hilarious. But then we see the Romany Gypsy from earlier, give some of his blood to Dracula, reviving him. And I forgot to mention that this was all But then we see the Romany Gypsy from earlier, give some of his blood to Dracula, reviving him. And I forgot to mention that this was all narrated

in the opening closing by Dracula's son, even though he then disappears, because we flash forward to modern day, where Vlad, who's just out walking around and enjoying a nice day on the town, meets a woman who looks named Mina, who looks just like his wife and they have a conversation about poetry and then split up and from afar Charles Dance is

watching and he says let the games begin and then walks off end of movie sequel in the making Dracula told. So that was great. You did a great job there, Elliot. Thanks. I give you two things out of two things. Thanks. That's the highest two things. Yeah. Well, unless they've got multiple heads. So here's here. I'm going to say the main problems with this movie. One, super boring. Only two scenes I enjoyed, which was too terrifying for you. It was way too scarifying. I was born. He kept looking at the insides of his hands. Yeah. I've, my problem was that much of my chair went unused because I only sat on this on the edge. But there's two scenes that I

enjoyed. One, because I found it genuinely interesting when he talks to the old vampire. One, because it was super goofy, which was the bat fist fight scene. Otherwise, it was very boring. And I just have a real issue with the idea that there needs to be an origin story for Dracula. Like, he's an evil decadent prince who becomes a vampire. Oh, he's decadent. All right. I really shouldn't have any of the Dracula's.

It's so bad. It's called Dracula by chocolate. There's been a lot of chocolate talking this episode. Chocolate talk. And the chocolate. The chalk house. lot of chocolate talking this episode. Chocolate. The Choc House. We haven't even mentioned Count Chocula. The perfect fusion of chocolate and vampire. He's more chocolate now than vampire. Now this was Chocula untold. I would have loved it.

It would have been great. I want to know how he became what he is. How do you come friends with Boo Berry and Frank and Frank and Barry and the fruit and the fruit. came what he is how do you come friends with Boo Berry and uh Franken Frankenberry and uh and the fruit and the yummy the fruit is the is the wireless and the yummy mommy and what's the uh and what the hunchback of Notre breakfast what about the Phantom of the cereal bowl uh the creature from the milk of the milk lagoon yeah that makes sense then the milk. The milk lagoon. Yeah, that makes sense. Then the milk aluminum mutant, lesser known universal monster, but he's still in there.

He's in the 50s. It's a later stage. Here's the thing. Dracula is not essentially interesting to me until he's a vampire spreading his plague of darkness throughout the globe. So it's like, I don't want to, it's the same way that like, I'm not interested in a movie about like, the young James Bond necessarily.

I want to see a movie about James Bond having adventures. Yeah, you don't want to watch like Braveheart, but find out that Braveheart becomes a vampire midway through. Yeah, that's basically what this was, yeah. I feel like we are in final judgments right now. And I feel like Elliot is entering a writ of bad bad. I'd like to, I'd like to, yes, I made a writ of bad attitude. And when we were looking it up, you said that it was originally going to be Alex Proyess

and Sam Worthington, which at least like, I feel like Alex Proyess would have made it a little more interesting to watch. It wouldn't have been a good movie. No, but it would have been, it would have had more time. And Sam Worthington would have been, it would have had more time. And say it would have been, it would have been certainly just as boring as Luke Evans. That's a movie that could have been bat shit crazy. Oh, because of vampires. Yeah, no, because kind of with the bat anyway.

So, but like, where is this was just kind of dull? Yeah. Like, there are lots of dull vampire movies. I'm always surprised by it, because vampires aren't inherently interesting. You're talking to a guy who was wearing Dracula socks at work yesterday. True, I can attest to that. Like vampires, I like vampires.

They're interesting to me, but apparently it's very easy to make them boring. Yeah, I know. I wanted to say we were looking up the list. There's only been a few good Dracula movies. There's Dracula, the Bellagosi one. What is it? House of Dracula? Is that the what is it? House of Dracula? Is that the Christopher Lee one?

Horror of Dracula. I mean, there's a lot of Christopher Lee ones with the first one, horror of Dracula is the best of them. There's the two Noth Faradu's, the Mornau one. That was the sequel to Chinatown one, that's the Noth Faradu's. So after he were now, and there's the Werner Herzog,

and then of course, Dracula and the Monster Squad. Those are the best movies. I bet there's some good ones. I'm gonna look at it. It still says Dracula dead and loving it's on there. Uh, only the first half before it loses its way. I'm loving it says Elliott about Dracula dead and love that was. I remember seeing that in the theater and being so disappointed in it.

I was a vampire and Brooklyn for me. But yeah, this is, this is an attempt to be like, okay, how can we make Dracula like every other boring like fantasy movie? Like we might as well be watching the 70s Dracula's. Okay. I don't know. Franklin, Joe. Fucking what was the, we've watched so many sword and sandals.

It feels like it's like one of those it is So by the numbers medieval sword. It's like somebody watched the the 90s bram stoker's Dracula from Coppola and just and we're like You know the most exciting part was the first five minutes of back story. Let's just make a whole movie of that garbage Yeah, so I think we're all bad beds for this. Let's bad bad it up. Bad bad. Oh, and Dracula pages from a Virgin's diary. There's a one dance number in that that goes too long, but otherwise I think it's a very good movie. Hello, I'm Tucker, the Elephant Meditation.

Moral Hightrored here, the Master of Clerical Magic. I'm Magnus Burnside, it's the fighter. Did you guys like that? Did you, the listener, like that? You were just swept up in a world of high fantasy magic where anything can happen and anything is possible. I am Griffin McRoy, Dungeon Master for the Adventure Zone, a new podcast on Maximum Fun,

in which magic and mystery intertwine for a very erotically charged role-pointing experience. You can catch it every other Thursday here on MaximFund.org or IT. It's for Dungeons & Dragons, but with family. But we do have a sponsor for the night and for that, I see the microphone and the floor to one's two art Wellington. Hey guys, my name's Stuart Wellington. You know, coming up, we got a little thing called Mother's Day. That's gonna be coming up on May 10th.

And you know what? Do you know what? Do you know what? Do you know what? Do you know what? Do you know what? Do you know what? Do you know what?

Do you know what? Do you know what? Do you know what? Do you know what? Do you know what? Do you know what? Do you know what? Do you know what? Do you know what? Do you know what? Do you know what? Do you know what? Do you know what? you to hit up our friends over at proflowers.com and order some flowers for your mom.

They're offering a flop house listeners 100 blooms and a free glass vase for only 1999. All you have to do is go over to their website, which is proflowers.com. And there's a in the top right corner, there's going to be a little blue microphone, you're going to move your little mouse thing over there, you're gonna click on it. And then, I'm gonna say mouse thing when mouse is just the, yeah, very,

and then a little blurbs gonna open up, and then you're gonna type in with your fingers, you're gonna type in the word flopp house. Now, that's gonna give you that deal. And that's one word flopp house. Flopp house. Do not put a space in there. Not three word space in there.

And we're our title for the coupon code. It's one word, flop house. So I think on Mother's Day, you want to get a phone call from your mom that says, are you apologizing for something? Do you have some spleen into do? And your response is, no, I just got you flowers because I love you, mom.

That is the best. So do right by your mother, do write by America. Mm-hmm. And the flop house. And the flop house. Definitely do write. It's a great character. And it orders some flowers from Pro Flowers. There's also chocolates you can get through there. I think they're associated with Sherry's berries. Yeah. And it's just a good gift for Mother's Day for any day. Because you know what? Every day is Mother's Day. No flowers.

I mean, factually inaccurate, but in our hearts, it's true. So that's proflowers.com, blue microphone, type flopphouse hall one word. All one word. You'll be helping support us and you'll be helping support moms. And if you have issues with your mom,

don't want to send her flowers, send it to somebody else. Send it to a flower house. There's no law that a pro-flower is only going to deliver to moms. Pro-flowers is like, give me an address. I'll send them a bunch of flowers. That's our job, that's what they say. And we do it well, we'll pros at flowers.

So, so, so, we're at all. Some flop house news here, which is that we have new merchandise available, guys. New merch. Yeah. The URL, instead of having to go to like a merch table after a flop house show and talk

to somebody, which is scary dude, who's like, what do you want to buy? We're out almost everything. I mean, probably our wives worth the merch table. Yep. So, scuzzy dudes. And now you can just go on wives worth the merch table. Yep. So scuzzy dudes. Now you can just go on the internet and buy them. Yeah. Now, the URL is too complex to read here. It's a much, you know, yeah, go to Dan's Twitter feed. No, here's what here's what you go to flopphousepodcast.com and click on the merch link. They'll take you right there or go to a topotaco, click on browse

bike creator and click on maximum fun for the max fun merch store. Or do what I did. I googled max fun, maximum fun t-shirt. Sure. All these are fine. There's a link from the max fun site too. I mean, again, easiest thing, go to flopphousebikes.com, click on merch. Yeah, take your right.

While you're there, leave a comment on one of our episodes. So you guys suck or you're hilarious, who cares? I don't think you can do that on the site, but sure, why not? You may have comments on the flafas site. Oh, yeah, flafas site, not on the Topatico merchandise site. We listed it to a trade. Have you ever tried? You're right, Stuart, I haven't tried it until I tried it.

Don't knock it till you try it. The movement phrase exists because you shouldn't knock on a door until you've tried the door to make sure it opens. Tell you if you've eaten part of that door and a hostile and grittlestyle. Do not kill you try it is the life mission statement of aquafan.com. It's being in which radio zork listeners, if you try to eat the door, A, if you first off, that's a great choice. If you merely lick the door to see if it's worth eating, B, if you try your key on the

lock again, C, right on end next week, we'll have the results and we'll move forward one more step in radio zork. But so this new merchandise, let me paint you a picture of what's available. A lot of word pictures. That was so successful. You can get a rocket crocodile in the world of tomorrow t-shirt. It looks amazing. From a design by fan Tristan Marsh.

I think maybe I've seen this movie. Well, you couldn't because it doesn't exist and I'm making it up as I go along. That was for the fans. There is also a wake. What? Come on. Sure to design by my brother, John. That would be John McCoy. It looks great also. And of all the shirts that you're going to buy from the flop house, that's the one we'll get the least questions. What the hell is on your shirt? Yeah.

It was a real feel. Any occasion, funerals, weddings, birthdays, yep. Birth funeral birthdays, funeral birthdays or funeral weddings for a vampire maybe of course bride and There's also a lovely prince of yield flop house where I'm a ranger. I believe stew is a paladin Yeah, and elite is a bard and it's suitable for framing from a design by fan Mallory Quinn also looks great It's all great looking flop house merch, high quality, high standards.

And I noticed that some of the stuff is already running low because of orders, so it's a order now. Yeah, I mean, they're pretty good at replenishing things, but yeah, if you don't want it to lay order now. If you're tired of having to go to laundry all the time, buy seven of these shirts. Yeah, you'll be good for a week. Yeah, just right on the tag Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday.

Yep. You can maybe take some of those. You do it like this, like Apollonian Godfather. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. Yeah. You take a couple of those big dogs, T shirts out of rotation. Yeah. Get rid of your co-ed naked lacrosse shirt. Put in a flop house shirt. Yeah. Your wardrobe will thank you. I also want to plug that I forgot to mention this last week I have a piece a humor piece in the geek humor comic series the devastating

It's just sort of like a state or it's sort of like a cooler and less well-paying mad magazine Okay, and you can go to devistatorpress.com slash horror because it is a all horror themed issue. And you can get for $10 a physical copy of this, $3 a digital download. You can also just search for devistator and the horror issue of Devastator on Amazon. Can I pit, can I, can I, can I,

I know that you probably also have a, can I plug something? Plug it. I like to plug, the day we're recording this, so you'll be hearing a couple days after it happens. The final issue of my run of Spider-Man and the X-Men, which I think is the final issue of the series, too. It turns out issue number six is out in stores,

wraps up the series, wraps up a real dream come true product, a project for me, getting to work with those characters. Dan, you should queue up end of the road to play right now by boys, two men. Or meet you at the Ross Road's by Bone Dugs and Harmony. It's just crossroads. Up to the end of the road. Now, it would spin up.

It's bittersweet, saying goodbye to these characters, but I hope people enjoy the wrap up to the series So pick up all six issues. They'll be collected in a trade. I think this summer, but if you can't wait that long, pick up the issues Number six. It's out now Ali it's got issues and you can have them too I'm spider-man of the X-Men. Yeah, and with your dad And you can have them too. I'm spider-man of the X-Men. Yeah. And with your dad. Stuart, do you want to play anything while we're at it? I don't know. I don't think so. I'm opening a bar at some point. I'll keep you posted. Yeah, maybe plug that when people can go in and buy things from it.

So now we want you got to move on to letters from listeners. Listeners like you perhaps. Oh, I got a letter. This just in, how off the presses. I got a letter from a from listener, John Rivet. He says, my birthday is tomorrow. Could you guys maybe give me some B-Day props? Of course, I can, because he said B-Day instead of birthday, and that's cool. We're supposed to give you props

just for living another year. So here's things like the bare minimum of a chicken. You have nobody's life is like. Props to. He could live in a layer from a video game and they're spinning fire blades everywhere. He's gonna jump out of the bathroom. Yeah, I'm sorry, I'm sorry for making assumptions.

So props to listener, John Rivet. Yeah, Invitor of the Rivet. I love the bolts that hold buildings together that bear your name. Yeah. So anyway, moving on. You hold my jeans together, you hold skyscrapers together. Thank you, my friends. Moving on to the first letter of

the night. You hold my, you hold my steam pump costume together. Letters of the night. What sweet music they make. And it goes like this. Letters of the nights. It's nighttime now when letters come out Say inside and lock your doors unless you're ready to lead the letter life letter

Do you want to bang heads with me? Do you want to see everything? Okay, whoa Bom bom not about to read your letter. But anyway, continue. Okay. This is from Kyle Lastname with Held, who writes high floppers. I'm a long time listener and first time writer. And I think I'm in need of some clarification of my status as a flop house fan. I'm the guy who put you on entertainment weekly's must list. Low those many moons ago. Thank you. And thus, thrust you to international superstardoms, right?

thrust us in the must. We owe everything to you. Are you calling in this favor? But let the game begin. It's Charles Dance. Oh no, Kyle Dance. But I'm also the guy who bought tickets to your last live event and decided to stay home and watch Ron Howard's night shift instead.

Well, I mean, I can't totally fault that. Do those two actions cancel one at another out, giving me neutral karma in the eyes of the house cat, or is indulging in a Michael Keaton slash Henry Winkler slash Shelley Long sex farce, a crime that requires a bit more absolution. I wait your judgment. Also, we're writing my review for chappyforew.com. All I can think about was, man, I can't wait until the Chappy episode of the flop house

a year from now. Keep on flopping Kyle Lasting with Hell. Now, I got to say, night shift, despite having the combined talents of Martin and Henry McClure, is a pretty bad movie. It's very bad. There are barely any jokes in it. But here's the thing, the mystery of the house cat's grace is that it is not our works or the movies we watch that provide for our salvation, but in fact his own ineffable

and possible to understand choices. No, it's true. When I hear eyes of the house cat, I think of the final frame of the Michael Jackson thriller music video. I will say though, in the words of the night from Indiana Jones to Alaska, say, you chose poorly. Yeah, yeah.

But thank you very much. And that was because he drank Coke and said Pepsi or some shit, right? He got all melty. He drank Pepsi, crystal clear Pepsi. And then commercial did somebody drink Coke and then they just melted what happened in that thing? Because they had the commercial based

on the movie, right? Uh-huh. Based on the movie. The commercial adaption of the movie. I mean, space dance. By Alan D. Foster. The commercial can go around the other way. Alan D. Foster needs the work, okay?

So, uh, thank you. It's called splinter of a Pepsi's eye. Thank you very much. Kyle, for putting us in entertainment lately. That was a huge boost. It was a big boost. It got us into a lot a Pepsi's eye. Thank you very much. Kyle, for putting us in entertainment lately, that was a huge boost. It was a big boost to goddess into a lot of people's attention. But moving on. Don't watch Night Shift again.

Yeah, don't do it. You watch Graveyard Shift. Next letter, starts like this. Nairator. And little did they know that episode number 161 a talking cat would lead to the devastation that we know it has today alluded to in the episode one 60 God's not dead the flop lights mentioned the new holy month small timber. Get their comical number get their comical canonical confusion has led to millions of dead and a division the house of flop

and a division, the House of Flop. Due to the tongue tying nature of the month's name, two distinct factions in Flopdom appear between the Tenebrium, Tenebriums and Vimberites. While the puckish brother, Kaelin, chose to alternate between the two names, Kromish, Convert Wellington, chose to spite the one Truma Coy, leaving our host, Baffled and Flustered, as was his way.

Arguing over the subtleties, the Sagittex is not unusual in any religion, but this is a truly bizarre and mildly infuriating circumstance. I mean really what's going on here? Mike is knocked over the professor's voice fades as he walks away. I mean honestly a religion based on adoration of months and omnipresent all parties It's because it's pretty balls eat a bunch and and the catcher could just Adoration It's pretty ballsly to blunt and, and the catcher could just pick up all the other parts.

You know so much about sports, Elliot? In the omnipresent all-parting spirit called the house cat, a sacred text of words that sound like other words, and a sacred mystery of the ding dong door slams. A scene from the episode four. How can a ding dong be both ripped off and not ripped off? This is the question that the text presents to us. A scene from episode four, the great true digger's ding dong of the BBC documentary.

The winner's freak. Floppy, the flop house story. That's from Nicholas last name withheld. I guess a peek into the future of the documentary, the BBC documentary made about our podcast. I feel like Paula Trady's capturing a vision of a fatwa in his, or a jihad in his name that scours the galaxy Yeah, I you know small small temper small

Vemper small timber it happens at September. It's called small Vemper. Do we whatever happened or theme? We're third the way through the year we haven't done any Well, we only have two They're centered around the fall so the year we haven't done any. We only have two. And they've said it around the fall. We had Kajmas, small Vemper. Wasn't there like- There's Kajmas, yeah. Some might argue, Shocktober is the- Shocktober, yeah.

It's the high holy holidays of the Flophouse. I like say April when we watch Vampire. Please. Look, April Vampire vampires bring me champires. He's got you there. It's true. He proved me something. So moving on to the last letter of the night.

He just cashed his kids a letter. I do that every week. I'm like, we're running late. Not this one. So that the listeners at home can be like, was that my lettery skipped? Yeah. Who knows? Never know. We'll do it next week.

Uh, we want to. On today's episode of The Flop House, Dan Read the Lettery skipped. Greetings. Greetings, floppers. My question is mostly for Stuart. Okay. So Stuart, since you're supposedly a bartender, supposedly, So Stuart, since you are supposedly a bartender, supposedly. That's supposedly an English speaker.

And say, someone's side will up to your bar and say, Hey, Tinderfoot, give me a castle freak. Well, what do you get? Could Stuart please grace the world with the details of the preparation of the unofficial official castle freak cocktail? Also, maybe you guys can riff on some better names for our new favorite adult beverage. Keep on flopping.

Josh, last name withheld. Let's give us homework. The first thing I do, if somebody sided a plubar to me and said, I don't remember what he said. I would come, I'd be like, you're a fan of the show. And then I'd come around from behind the bar and I'd give you a big hug. I'd say thanks. And a ton of kiss. I'd say thanks and a ton of kiss.

It's a thanks for being a friend. This it sounds like the signature drink for your new bars just been to use the castle freak. What's it going to be? Oh, that's a lot of pressure. I would say it's two parts. It was first I would take a host's ding dong and I would hollow it out. And I would take a host's ding dong and I would hollow it out and I would pour straight

uh, I pour, I pour Drambuwi with a drizzle of grenadine on top and then I would serve it to you. Drambuwi amp, isn't it? Anyway, it was just like no kaluwa in that too. No, I would serve it to you in a hollowed out skull. So don't order this. It's terrible drink. I mean, it's only $20. It's a markup on these drinks.

We're talking about fancy cocktails here, guys. This is our artisanal. Or yep, some bread. Well, when I said hostess, I meant it's a homemade ding dong made from a pantry in Brooklyn. Yeah, but they make it look like the same way that there's a bakery in Park Slope or the used to be that made their own little Oreos and charged like three bucks for each of them. That's crazy.

Yeah, and I never taste a one. So you don't know if it was better or worse or? Yeah, the same. What about homemade twinkies? How do you feel about that? I mean, I don't really care. I better or worse or the same. What about homemade twinkies? How do you feel about that? I mean, I don't really care. I'm not against these things. So it come back to me in a couple of years.

I'll tell you that. Otherwise, come to my bar. I'll give you a year working in your drink lab to fine tune all the ingredients. I imagine Stuart, like down in the basement, and like, nope, that combination of alcohol exploded. Thomas said it's in one said, bar tending is 99% perspiration, 1% intoxication.

Yeah. So I hope that answered your question. And it was alluded to this question. I think Stuart gave a great answer. Yeah. I was worried it was going to be like a white Russian with a torn off ding dong in it. That would be frightening.

It'd be horrible. A white Russian at night. Well that milk. Yeah, that's crazy. I can't eat a little bit of dairy. Uh, maybe the toots. It'll be drunken tooting. Um, so a file segment of the evening. We call it the Toots. Yeah, what do we do now? We recommend movies that we liked.

I want to rock them into a little movie. A little movie called Dracula until. Oh, wow. I turned around on it. Um, had some time to mull it over. Yeah. Well, I just, uh, I haven't seen any new, I haven't on it. Had some time to mull it over. Well, I just, I haven't seen anything. Well, recommend a movie from your past. You've seen thousands of movies.

So, you must have been on a plane somewhere. You know what? I was on a train recently. Okay. And do you entertain myself on a train recently. Okay. And we'll leave that train. And do you entertain myself on the train? I logged on to Hulu on my phone. And I rewatched the fascinating story. I rewatched Donnie Brasco. Well, don't throw this away.

Write it down and publish it. Because this is the epic quest of our times. I rewatched Donnie Brasco, which I think is a movie that, you know, it was a dance review. Don't forget about it. It was a critical success at the time. It got a little bit of attention, but I feel like of the gangster films, of the good gangster films out there, it's been a little forgotten. And if you want to go back and watch the movie where Johnny Depp is playing a character and not like a collection of ticks, it's a really good one. What does that look like?

It doesn't have one. He does, he has a mustache for the first part of the movie, but he shapes it very pretty quickly. Similarly, if you want to see movie where Al Pacino is playing a character and not just yelling at the top of the lungs, again, it brass goes a good choice. And it's an interesting gangster film because there is violence in it. It's a gangster movie, but mostly it's a character study and it has like kind of a rich vein

of just character comedy and dark comedy in it. And it ends up being also a very touching movie about friendship and real. And about a one gangster pulling himself up by his bootstraps to start a successful brass company. Donnie Brasco. Yep, that's what it's about. So see it based on all these descriptions

and then be surprised. Yeah, when it's much better than that. But it's a Mike Noel movie, British director who did four weddings in a funeral. I think that's Cream's gangster movie. Jordy Pretty things And I think that screams gangster movie. Jodie Pretty things. I think that was him too. I'm not sure.

He's a very interesting director who's had kind of a varied career of different types of projects. And so check it out, Donnie Brasco. Hey Stu. It was a billet. You got a movie on your mind? Sure. I just watched this movie Dracula and told it was the Tits. Just kidding. Now I watched, I recently watched the movie Spring,

which is kind of a horror romance. It's a low-budget movie. Hold on, I was wrong about dirty pretty things. But he wrote, but he directed, he directed Harry Potter on the Galadip Fire. You just saved yourself many angry. Yeah, sirs, go on. So spring, small, small budget movie about a young man who gets himself in trouble and he goes on the run and ends up in Italy, where he has this whirlwind

romance with this great girl, but he realizes slowly that this girl is more than what she seems. She's an it follows. Kind of. I mean, the poster of the movie is a picture of a girl with a tentacle. So you can tell there's something going on. And I've heard the movie described as like a before sunset with a monster. And I think it's kind of appropriate. Like it's a monster in that the natural aging process. Time is the greatest monster of all. So spring, check it out.

If you like, if you like, I mean, there's not a lot of horror romance movies out there So possession maybe maybe they're both they're both slimy So yeah, I'd recommend checking them out spring spring. I have a movie that I'd like to recommend I mentioned earlier in the podcast a movie called Dracula pages from a virgin's diary That's not the movie I'm recommending. But I am recommending movie by the same director, Guy Madden. I'm a big fan of Guy Madden. So it's strange that there's still some holes in the...

So the guy who does those shoes? No, that's Steve Madden, his brother. Yeah, that's his brother. Because the two brothers went into either women's weird shoes or Canadian art film. They each had to select a path. One chose the ball, the other chose the samurai so-or. Of course, their father, John Madden, is disappointed that neither went into sports broadcasting. But I had never seen until recently Guy Madden's second movie, Arcangel, and I saw recently and really liked it a lot. If you've ever seen

a Guy Madden movie, you know pretty much what kind of thing to expect. It's shot as if it's shot similarly to a silent film or an early 30s film. It's not silent. There's lots of sound in it, but there's also intertitles. It takes place in the city of Archangel where a Canadian soldier who lost his leg in World War I is helping to fight off the Bolshevik army. but at least two, and I think maybe three characters get amnesia in it. There's a scene with it involves some ghosts. There's a lot of strange things, and it's kind of sad and kind of very weird and kind of funny, but like any Guy Madden movie, except for Twilight of the Ice Nymphs, which is not good, and is the only one of his, I do not like it all. Like any Guy Madden movie, it's a very unique experience.

The only thing it really resembles is his other movies. And I like to lie, and the whole time you're watching it, you can tell this was a movie made on a very small budget that has so much imagination and so much style to it that it makes that work for it in a strange way. But I really liked it a lot and it's a, I found it very affecting at the end of the end and I didn't expect. There's one scene in it with a cactus that explodes spiders onto a boy that makes no sense. So just be ready for that scene and be ready for it to happen.

Sounds horrible. I don't understand what just happened here. Yeah, it's like a nightmare that I no sense. Just be ready for that scene and be ready for it to happen. I don't understand what just happened here. Yeah, it's like a nightmare that I would have. No, it's kind of funny. Click on the fast forward button and then hit play. No, no, no, fast forward. Just be ready to know that you're not really supposed to understand that scene because they screwed it up a little bit. That's how Spider-Man came with it. Yeah, he's too close to a cactus.

So arc angel. Yeah. Not the X-Main character. So three great, three amazing movies. recommendations. Dan, did you fall asleep and then I think during our recommendations? I'm zoning out. I could be the smell of skunk weed that I'm getting through. I feel like someone is smoking pot in the vicinity and it's coming through our...

Elliot's busted. Uh-oh, you got me. Actually, if you notice my voice getting worse about the podcast, it's because I'm my allergies to your cat or acting on it. All right, well, let's get you out of here. My pollen cat and safely in cat's up pollen. I'll do it.

I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll do it. I they've heard you say to me you're better home. You're gonna tuck me into my back. I'm gonna come back to you. You're gonna put a little night cap on you. Oh, then you didn't get a walk away back. No, he's gonna fly back on your bed like fucking Nemo.

And good night for the flop house I've been Dan McCoy and I'm stew. Boy, and I'm still hardwell reading to our love. Elliot, Kaylin' is my name and that's me. So good night, drift to sleep, and send us all your money. We're accepting you. Good night. Love house. We're accepting you. Good night. Laughhouse. You're gonna hit it and quit it? Yep, we're gonna hit it and we're gonna hit it. Kick the tires and light some fires. We're gonna slap it and we're gonna pick the tires and lights and fires. We gonna slap it on map it. Yep

Grip it and rip it. We're gonna slide off your body. Creep it and beep it I'm Cameron Esposito. I'm Ria Butcher. I am Ricky Carbona and we are the cast members. What? I don't know podcastiness of What are the cast members? What? I don't know. Podcastiness of Wim Bim Pow. That's an action and sci-fi movie podcast you can find on MaximumFund.org or on iTunes. And what do we do?

News reviews and things you can use. Tons of things you can use. We break it down so it can forever be broken. Hilarious jokes. Plus sometimes there's a dog in the studio. Sometimes there's a dog here. We'll see you in your earbuds. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪