The Flop House - The Flop House: Episode #70 - Jonah Hex

Episode Date: December 5, 2010

What the Hex?

Of all the blockbusters last summer, one entirely failed to bust blocks. We discuss Jonah Hex. Hey everyone welcome to the flop house I'm Dan McCoy. Wait what was your name? I'm Dan McCoy. I'm Stuart Wellington. I'm Elliot Kaelin. Stuart's, uh, round wing like a cat. Yeah, for some reason.. I thought you were gonna like that sound effect. That's why I did it. But I like about it. It does mean it's not like a big cat. So it's like a house cat. It's not like you're a lion or a panther.

Yeah, well, that's the way it's the flop house. It's the house cat. So anytime the listeners at home here They know that's a flop house trademark moment. That's our new mascot flop house house Yeah, the house cat so when will you drop in that kind of side effect though? You know what situation would you know When Elliot drops one of his trademark Zingers. Yeah, it was it's like a it's like a knowledge-based singer. Oh, okay, and Dan does one of his like oh, um Oh, hum. Yeah, something like one of his like oh gosh darn sure. Oh the misery of life Yeah, one of those and then I would go And then so flop house listeners if you want to visualize what Stuart, the flop house

house cat looks like, go for it. Um, well, like visualize it in like a sculpture or a prey paw, you know, I bust relief. Pepe, Meshay or, uh, Japanese animation. I always thought that, uh, James Bond should have a villain called Papier Mache. Sure. Be like the spirit villainess plaster of Paris. And a girl named Pussy Mache. I don't know why, but...

So good. I'll tell you when you're older. We watched a movie tonight, which is what we do every night when we're together, except for the nights that we're not recording the podcast. Yes. We do spend time together off the books. Sometimes. Off the clock. Yeah. Not punched in. Not often. No. Not as often as I'd like. Yeah. Well, when that's, wait, no, the opposite of that. More often than I'd like. Okay. like well when that's wait no the opposite of that more often than I like okay uh... like uh... this past Saturday right we all went out for a while

we i was at a town and not invited so that was a that we've already we sent you a email i think i don't think so i tried uh... what we want to watch the watch movie called jona hex ral that doesn't that was an appropriate based on the own What do we watch tonight? We watched a movie called Jonah Hex. RAAAHHHHH! That doesn't, that wasn't appropriate. Based on the own, the restrictions you set earlier for your rarrying. I've never got it.

Oh! It was a face. That's why when I do a goop, when I fuck up, I have to do that sound effect. It's changing into a whole different type of... There's all kinds of rules. You're gonna make some prank calls later. Yeah. Yeah, so what was the movie about Elliot? What wasn't the movie about?

Good things, that's what. Jonah Hex, as you may know listeners, is based on the long-running DC kind of a character of the same name. He is a Western gun slinger, slings guns, among other adventurous things. And in this movie, they decided to give him the ability to talk to dead people. Which he used to get information kind of and to mend a fence between him and a man he killed. Not literally. Not like, Jonah, you better fix that fix that fence uh-oh it'll take the labor of the dead to do

this and raise the dead and make and build the fence it's a metaphor like that robert frost poem about fences about fences that one that they made the show picket fences out of yeah uh should I do the the normal plot some reason yeah just so little plot that well it's a short movie it's less than an hour and a half long and they reuse footage It's the kind of thing you would see in like an Italian exploitation movie where it's like short But they still manage to reuse footage because they don't want to pay for new footage John Hicks gunslinger miss disfigured his face horribly scarred Missing throat miss and thropic played by Josh Brolin. Miss misfigured.

He's yeah, no, yeah, yeah, played by Josh Rollin, Brolin. That's what they call him. He is a former Confederate soldier, boo, who we wanted to get revenge. Station rights, though. No, yeah, that's's made clever. Whatever it was about. Yeah, that's right. As is said by what's his name from the wire. Lieutenant Daniel. Lieutenant Daniels who plays the armor Smith, the weapon Smith, who builds. Yeah, the Q character.

Yeah, he's the Q slash microchip slash. Yeah, microchip might be more appropriate. Yeah, from the Punisher series for those who aren't. Don't know what we're talking about. As he says, you didn't fight for slavery or for succession. You just didn't like the government telling you what to do. So it's kind of a tea party hero for the 21st century. Yeah.

This movie really sparked the tea party movement in a lot of ways. Yeah. People said, I don't want to be like Jonah Hex. I want to go on the shoots, kind of unpleasant. He, uh, he, so he, his family was killed by John Malcovic, his former commanding officer in the... Wow, the act of John Malcovic. Yes.

A character played by John Malcovic in his... Very meta this year. And perhaps his laziest performance since the Hitchhiker's guy to the galaxy. Um, and so he wants to invent. He was up there with like Jeremy Irons and the Dungeons and Dragons movie. Yes, yeah. Uh, sorry.

I'm sorry that. And any movie where someone plays a character who's in a coma the entire time. Uh, he wants revenge on, uh, John Malchovitch. He's a bounty hunter. He's in love with prostitute Megan Fox Who is shot? It's like old-time Hollywood where anytime she's on camera the image is really blurry Like I guess they wanted to show that in the Old West women had no pores or imperfections in their face So it's just like airbrushed like crazy. It looks like you're looking at her through a greasy window. Like a Richard Link later rotoscope cartoon.

Yeah, yeah, it looks like a scanner darkly. Yeah. As you pointed out earlier. We're waking life. We're waking life. You're gonna name another Richard Link letter rotoscope cartoon? You can't.

You just used up your last ace, buddy. That's been on callin' full house. I don't think he did do that. But those are the worst commercials. It's like the whole time I can't listen to what they're saying. I'm just like, why is this rotoscope? Maybe that person had some kind of disfigurement and they're like, hey, we like the actor, but you don't want to use all their face. Then they cast the next commercial, turned out. They were just figured also. It turned out that the casting director had one only one eye and they could they can see half of the people's faces. Because that's how it works when

you only have one eye. You can only see half of things. He's a bounty hunter in Love and Megan Fox. President Grant of the United States of America. US.S. grant? U.S. grant because it's the year 1876, the centennial. He hires Jonah Hex to find John Malkovich because John Malkovich has stolen some kind of supergun that the United States had Eli Whitney build, which I guess Eli Whitney would have had to build it decades before, but I don't remember when Eli Whitney died Jonah hex oh by the way was brought back to life by Indians in his backstory so we can talk to dead people now

Sure which was dealt with by the movie as Profunkter early as Elliott just did right now like like Indians from India. No, no native Americans Okay, so not like that out so we're sure No, not like that like show outsourced. And this incredibly important moment, Jonah Hex's history, according to the movie, when he is literally brought back from the dead, is dealt with is a animated sequence right before the title comes up. Yeah. Also, there are no Native American characters in the film, except his wife in a brief flashback. And his son and his son in a brief flashback and his son and a brief while he's like a hazy

yeah he's a half and half yeah they uh... they don't know what the name is for that they the only name americans you see otherwise are mystical beings who bring jona hex back to life again later in the film when you know when he's when he dies uh... and he and making fox megan foxes kidnapped jones hex tracks down john milovich

and they stop him and we'll our net isn't it and also uh... and a serious role in a serious role in eight and west west west west west Bentley and i'm a serious role and was that west stupey and i think they probably could put him in this movie i mean who's west dutie he's uh... that american actor yeah that indeed actor who is it what is he do he was in the last of the mohicans that West Stude and I think they probably could have put him in this movie. I don't think it was West Stude. He's an American actor.

Yeah, that indeed actor. Who is it? What does he do? He was in Les the Mohicans. He was the bad guy. Magwa. Okay. A Magwa. You know, that's Gizmo.

I don't know whether he was Geronimo. Geronimo, but he definitely was. Geronimo. In Geronimo. Yeah, yeah. He was probably Geronimo. Okay. He was also in deep rising as a villain.

Man, you guys should write the official authorized biography of what's his name? I'm working on it. Did it read your link letter? Because that's that way. That's that way. And also in a small role as you, you lose your desk brand's personal aid is a guy new in college, Mr. Seth Gable. So I was excited to see him.

That was the one moment of enjoyment I got was seeing him in this movie. And this was another episode of Elliot Kaylin's Name Dropers. Yeah, great name drop. Rarow! I'm inappropriate. I've called this for name dropping. Someone who was in the movie that we saw tonight.

But yeah, Will Arnett maybe was the, the other bright point, literally the first moment you see him and hope that he will have a comedy role. Yeah, you start laughing and see the ZZ's on this one. He's just one of those guys as of, he's funny as soon as you see him. Yeah. And then you're crying because you're watching the movie still. Yeah. And it is terrible.

There's a lot of, oh and also Jonah Hex has two huge Gatling guns on his horse. He only uses once. He has two guns that shoot dynamite sticks. He only uses them once. He uses a Tomahawk. There's a lot of heavy metal guitar on the soundtrack. And he has a dog that tags after him who doesn't talk. You're just listening. You're just listening thing. Well, listen, because here's the thing. If I told you you here's a movie about a disfigured gunslinger who has a gun that shoots dynamite and gatling guns on his horse he's in love with a prostitute well i'm in together and together they have to save the country

from john malkovich is giant supergun that shoots glowing balls of explosions you would say this sounds like an amazing movie. And you know what? Well, I mean, I don't know, maybe in a pre-Wild Wild West world, I would have said that's not an amazing. This could be the only way through what. I didn't mean a post. But in a post-Saraphim Falls world, I just think it was the first recent western that came to mind.

In a post-Appalooza world, yeah Yeah, it's but it's a terrible movie. There's all this junk that's just kind of jammed into the movie and you feel like they ran out of money halfway through making it and just kind of rushed everything else. Yeah. Well, Megan Fox is really good in it. What I always say. Okay, fine. She is terrible. Nobody is good in it. Yeah, she's terrible. The thing what i don't have a uh... terrible there nobody is good and she's terrible the thing that i don't have a and when you listen to this is that and making fox is you know she's a prostitute

obviously she's probably one of the more popular ones in whatever what is the georgia town it's a georgia she's in the wild west but most of the movie takes place in georgia and then right next to Washington, DC So I don't know how far west they could be since they're like a half hours ride between all those places. Yeah Like yeah half a day. Yeah, maybe they use Indian magic to like transport Like a space magic if they had opened this movie with a title card that said, this is not the United States. You know, but the United States of magic and wonders,

I think it would have gone a long way towards making this better movie. And I'm sure they could have found the time to write it up. But yeah, she's, it looks like, so she's, she's the only prostitute in the town that we never see the rest of. And I would imagine she's probably pretty popular in whatever time it is. Well, one man, you know, offers to leave his entire family for her. And then that man later buys her contract from her owner, I guess, or I don't know if they have owners then.

I mean, she has a, it's one of those things that I assume it's like musicians in the 40s and 50s were like contractors owned by a club owner. And then someone could buy the contract to make you work at their mafia owned nightclub. Then you get mixed up because you witness a mob killing. You got to go on the run, dress up like a woman. Okay. Suddenly you're having adventures with this female jazz band. Fall in love with one of the women. Uh oh, turns out she's a millionaire in disguise. Suddenly you're globetrotting the earth, going to Europe, bucking elbows with the Hoy-Paloi, all of a sudden,

uh-oh, bump into the wrong person. It's the show gun. Now, he's got an- he put an honor of endetta out against you. Samurai, ninja, after your head. You got to rush back to America, but they get in, what are you gonna do, maneuver the mob, and the ninjas into one building? Hope they kill each other.

Anyway, that's my movie. I call it million dollar getaway and I'll sell it to the first studio that offers me $700,000. Hollywood I await your call. specific figure. but I know you're saying so so the man buys her contract. the guy buys her contract is a whore and then because he wants to do and we use more not in a disrespectful way But she you know, that's just the only way. Yeah, that's her job Yeah, and he I guess he and then he starts to like threaten her so she gets mad and then he aims a gun at her So she stabs him in the chest. Oh, he even tries to shoot her so she kills this guy and then the next time we see her

She's just in the same place like I thought her contract got bought so wow less man. Is she working for herself now at this at that point I think she's working for his family. Yeah, his wife must have inherited the contract. Okay. Yeah She became a matem a matem of one That's a life-time original. I think there's a real story here about the murdering of your pamphoon having to. Well, and you bring up an interesting point, which is that everything, nothing happens in this movie that has a consequence to it.

People are killed, people kill, things go exploding, there's other stuff that happens, there's no consequence. Our hero gets killed and then a bunch of Native Americans bring back to life. And people can get shot right behind you, but you don't notice them until Jonah Hex comes up right behind you with the gun. You know, there's a flame thrower for the Lord knows what reason on a boat. Well, flame thrower's are pretty popular back then. Nope, not true.

On boats, too. Boats and flames go well together. I mean, you say that there are no consequences, but the one consequence that does happen is explosions. That's true. That most of the laws of physics are, do do get followed in this movie, especially the exploding. I think every bad guy dies in an explosion. Yeah. some of them, well, well, except for, well, yeah, I guess you're right. There's also, let's explain this super gun, which is a giant, which is just basically a six-barreled cannon, and they have these glowing orbs that are super explosive, that somehow Eli Whitney stole from a dragon, or I don't know what.

The dragon balls. the dragon balls the dragon balls basically yeah and I think I think they they initially shoot like weird cannonballs first they kind of sit there and regular cannonballs but I don't think they're regular because I think then they fire the the glowing cannonball and it has some kind of reaction with the cannonballs they fired oh you think that's what it is I think yeah it yeah, it's like a two-part thing. I don't think I ever explained it. Like, I was like, what are they shooting targeting cannonballs?

Like, the first one is just to make sure we can make it there. That could be it, yeah. The second one is the one that has the really, the glowy stuff inside. I think it's a two-part reaction. We're gonna have to go right to Jonah Hicks movie, car of Warner Brothers. Also the email to Josh Brolin. Dear Josh, I have a question about your movie, Jonah Hex, the movie.

Can you summon him with your like sort of your like your doppelganger power? Your Erie resemblance. Yeah, I do that. Your Erie and Deanna resemblance. Iry and Deanna, what's that all about? Well, it's a place and TV show. Okay. Um, the, I guess the other... I guess the other... The other thing that's great about the movie is how it, how well it's shot. I don't know how I'm talking about that. Leaving aside the wonderful script and brilliant plotting, there's the fact that it is, every,

such wonderful cinematography, sometimes you can even see what's going on on screen. Yeah, there's a lot of scenes that are really, really dark and you can barely see Josh Brolin walking around. You like you'll hear? You barely see the details of Josh Rowland's scar. You can hear sound effects of fights like it'll be like boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop. And then you're like, well, I gotta assume a fight is going like it's almost like watching a radio show at times. Well, I think, I think the idea of doing a Jonah Hex movie, they hadn't really quite processed the actual effects

of making an actor wear that makeup. Yes. Yeah. Like, they didn't realize he was just gonna sound like Mumbly Joe the whole time. So that's why they hired one of the Mumblyest actors, also. Yep, absolutely. Yeah. What, and I mean- Mumbly Joe the whole time. So that's why they hired one of the Mumblyest actors also? Yep, absolutely. Yeah. And I mean, Mumbly Jonah Hex. They could have just made me a scene.

Hello, Ring Ring. Is that your title? They could have just done some excellent ADR work, with Josh Broderer. Yeah. Take him out of the makeup and have him see the words. I wouldn't be surprised if they didn't have money. So they did have him. Where the makeup when he did that opening, like when he did the opening narration. Yeah, and have him say the words. He's surprised if they didn't have any. He's only gonna wear the makeup when he did that opening like when he did the opening narration.

Yeah, you can't hear it damn. He does an opening narration that kind of sounds like this. There's a guy in the trailer. No, no. Well, stuff explodes. I don't know, taking back life. There's a spring there. Yeah, meanwhile, meanwhile, I'm madly like turning the volume way off, which exploded in my face when

the train explosions. I was just glad I guessed that there was a train that was going to explode in this movie before I saw it, and I was right. And a boat exploded. Two boats exploded, actually. Well, one gets blown up in the other extreme. I mean, but they both explode. There's explosions, yes. two boats explode actually. Well, one gets blown up in the other experiments. But they both explode.

There's explosions, yes. And a couple of buildings, it's all kinds of experiments. The Washington monument is somehow exploded and then not exploded. It's not a good movie. Yeah. We talked about the animated sequence in the beginning. Yeah, what about that? Which looked like it was the Art of Eduardo Risto, but I don't know if it was.

Yeah, so I like that. That again seems like a case where they would have normally shot these actual scenes. Yeah. And put them in the movie because there are important points to be made. I think, I'm going to apply this to the ran out of money. Are you think again? I'm gonna apply this to the ran out of money are you going to get I'm going to apply the idea that this was a comic book guys A graphic novel and they were trying to remind the viewers that it was once a graphic novel Not originally drawn by the artist they used

Or I Or they were just really lazy I think laziness might have been part of it to the whole movie is very lazy uh... starting with uh... john malkovich is performing you know tranquilize performance and we have i was pretty tranquil as i said he told them look at look i can act like a were a wig i'm not going to do both

for the money you're paying me and he was so bedraggled and they made the right choice though. He looked like, yeah, like a stuffed animal that got dropped into puddle. He was just so wild. And he's supposed to be like the dapper villain, but you know. The, now what do you guys think about that fight at the end where there were three fights going out at the same time and one of them was happening in Josh Brolin's mind I guess. Oh that's right. Earlier in the movie you

see Josh Brolin have a dream battle with John Malkovich. Where he loses. Some sort of nightmare or dream scape. Yes he said when you he says some people say when you die you imagine you see your unfinished business and his unfinished business is killing John Melcovitch in retaliation for the murder of his family. Some sort of fish fight in the red clay wasteland. Red desert. Then later, he is finishing the business.

He and John Melcovitch are fighting it up in the bowels of the ship as a crazy contraption raises glowing balls to the giant supergun cannon as it fires on Washington DC. Because boats have a lot of extra space in them. There's a lot of room underneath. Yeah, especially 19th century boats. And at the same time, he is replaying this dream fight, only he continues it and wins. But it's one of those things where it's like they're trying

to show us in that that yeah, he's winning in the dream. He's got his spirit back like now he can do it, but he's already beating John Malchovitch in the physical fight. Like there's no, it adds up. Yeah, I think he's already like got him on the ropes and they're still showing dream, the dream fight going on. And yeah, I don't, I didn't understand what was going on quite get it

I mean I was a flashback, but it was it was a flashback to a dream sequence But then it continued well boxing is a mental sports Oh, I mean, so in a way they were trying to reflect a sportsmanship Yeah, yeah, okay, that's why they had all those shots of him training with Burgess Meredith chasing that chicken, punching that side of beef. Dan McCoy once again showing that he's here for his sport understanding of sports. Yeah. I apologize. Wait, did I kick the thing out? No, I'm playing with my foot. No, you're okay. Uh, you interrupted my apology,

though. Oh, no, you can do it. Go ahead. I'm just very proud. I'm going to apologize to the audience members for being, being chicken drunk, even less engaged than usual on this podcast. I'm sick today. Because usually you have a reputation as the guy who never pays attention does talk. I'm losing. I don't know if anything I'm sorry. Dr. Zinger, they call them. Dr. Zinger, DDS. Yeah, but my Louisiana's is affecting my podcast performance. But I do want to talk about one more time.

I mean, you should see Dan, he looks like a mess. What do you want to talk about? What do you want to talk about? Did he cut yourself shaving? I'm my part, too pixelated. I want to talk about? Did you, did you, did you catch yourself shaving? I'm my part, two-pick slip. I want to talk about my, uh, my connection to Jonah Hacks, which was that, uh, I, uh...

He brought you back from the dead. You just recently saw the parody porno, boner sex. No, no, boner triple X. I think you'll find his boner sex. Uh, bona Cox. I had a, I had a screenplay that I did. Red is part of the writer's guild east. They do a reading series of screenplays.

Of screenplays. And there were two screenplays that had excerpts red by actors. By real actors, by actual working actors. Like Josh Brolin bro and West Bentley West duty and it was a great experience I had a great time my actors were all great it was good to see something that I wrote performed by people who know what they're doing but the point was I was getting there. I was getting there. The point was, uh, the- He's a word picture. The other screenwriter, um, his, his, his, uh, most recent screen credit was on the film,

Jonah Hex. The guy who, uh, the one we just watched, yes. Okay. The guy shared the night with and His screenplay That the exerting was about a bitter screenwriter who would spend years writing on something called Jeremiah Hawk and There was also based on a comic book. Yeah, and it was it was clear like the best guy had an extra right about Hollywood What he had been treated by Hollywood. He also said he he wrote a script for Jonah Hex

12 years before yeah, this movie was put into production as before the advent of Gatling horse machine gun Exactly. Yeah John Malkovich wasn't even alive then It was just his father, Ron Melkovich. But you're going to go on with Don Melkovich, that'd have been a little easier. Not at all. I don't see how one is that L easier than the other. There's one letter difference.

But he was saying that I guess he went to arbitration whether he would actually get a credit on this movie. And he didn't write this, but enough of the plot from his screenplay was used that the writers killed demanded credit for him and he was not happy it sounded like he wasn't happy he got credit for it that he didn't want his name attached to Jonah Hanks. Yeah well it was one of the biggest flops of his last year and it was terrible. I mean this is not this is not a you know, I'm a I like the character in theory and In theory I like I like is the Joe Joe Wayne stale stories. Yeah, they're a good Jonah Hank stories, and this is not one of them. Yeah

What I would like you guys to help me with is West Bentley's character in this place with is West Bentley's character in this play, like a feat, a political who is financing John Malgovich's character's terrorism. He's the connected dandy that John Malgovich is using to further his evil scheme. And he keeps- So lots that I somehow managed to entirely miss. And he keeps me, you know, like, he gets threatened a little bit to, you know,

keep giving John Malkovich more money. And at the end, right now the other way that starts choking him with his eagle headed cane. Yep, right before the climax, John Malkovich, whoop, turns it around and kills West Bentley. So what I was wondering is, is there like a name for that type of character,

like, you know, like the chowd, like the guy who's just like a total tool and he's like the villain but he's not villain enough to actually sort of like like he's not even good enough for the hero to kill like oh the villain will kill like he's the Sam Rockwell and Iron Man 2 is where you're saying or more like the mob boss the mob boss in the movie and last action hero. Yes. And you think he's the villain, but then his top hitman kills him, and that guy's the real villain. Perfect. You're absolutely correct. That's exactly what I was thinking.

Wow. You guys acknowledge the last action hero is a period of my... I've seen that movie so I forgot I don't know why Ian McKellen is amazing in that movie. It's there's a lot of amazing people in that movie Danny DeVito as the voice of the cat Yeah It is a The Zara movie yeah

So yeah, it is it is the is the action movie that dares to show you a scene from Lawrence Olivier's hamlet during the movie. So what do we think? What are we talking about? Yeah, is there a definition or a title for that character? I don't know, that's a good question. I would nominate the name Wilhelm, just off of the Wilhelm scream. Okay. That's scream that they use movies all the time whenever, just off of the Wilhelm scream, that scream that they use in movies all the time whenever someone falls off of something high. But that's, I don't but there's no other reason for that. Just because I'd like to think that Wilhelm, the helper of the villain who gets killed by the villain is the guy who makes that scream.

Yeah, he gets thrown off, I don't know, like a, like a siege tower. Yeah, exactly. Or like a space fortress. Yeah, a stone destroyer. So. Yeah, I'll stop this story So listeners at home if you guys have any any more ideas on this Title you should please chime in please write us. Yeah, please send us a picture of Stuart the flop house house cat And send us your thoughts on the name of this character and other examples of this type of character sure Okay, well that that address would be Flophouse podcast at gmail.com. Not the house cat at the Flophouse Flopcast. At housecat.cat.

That's pure enough. Send it to Flophouse Care of the Internet. 555 Main Street Way, America, USA1234.com. Okay. Hey. Okay. Hey, guys. What? I'm zoning out. I should we do final judgments and then say, yeah, that's what we do next is the final

judgment. We're going to have you propped up on our shoulders to this one. Sure. So Daninga first, well, we got it. The categories are scarily bad, spookily good bad and one or half a wormy boner. Well, using those nonsense categories, I would say that it was turkey terrible. Yes, if I did. I mean, do you have a reason for it?

Yeah, I can use your thesis. I couldn't follow it. That might be because I have a cold, but I really couldn't follow it. I couldn't hear what the characters were saying I got to tell you a movie about it just blew up a lot. I mean I'm gonna be about a gunslinger who talks to dead people and blows up a train A blows up a boat you should be able to understand it if you haven't called I don't So it's a bad movie yeah mystified me so what did you think Stuart? I thought it was spookily good

See this is what happens when I'm sick. The whole thing goes off the really good bad off the rails like that train that gets blown up I think it stayed on the rails all time. They couldn't afford to have it go off Okay, that's true. Yeah, this is an unstoppable Elliot Jonah Hacks calling off the rails That would be the sequel the video game sequel Yeah, this is an unstoppable Elliot Jonah Hicks calling off the rails That would be the sequel the video game sequel. Yeah, I mean that would be the straight to the garbage can sequel Like three minutes in I was already shouting that I hated this movie and Yeah, I think this is the most times I've heard you say I hate this fucking movie during the during a movie I think or I hate this movie so much. I don't know it felt like they They were trying so hard to make it was like they were trying to make the movie bad. And yeah,

they I mean I guess they were successful if that was their aim but uh so good work. Yeah, congratulations. Spookly good dad. Uh Elliott. Spookle. I would also call this Turkey Terrible, I would also call this Turkey Terrible, based on the new November ratings that we'll use for every single podcast. It is yeah, shoddly done and ugly and incomprehensible at times. And while there are a few people are not terrible in it, like Will Arnett, who is good in everything and a couple other side characters, mostly are not terrible in it, like Will Arnett, who is good in everything, and a couple other side characters, mostly everyone's bad in it. And it's just stupid.

And the character who has, what's weird is that with a character like Jonah Hex, you could invent any type of story. He's basically the man with no name, but his face is all screwed up. Yeah. And he used to be in the Confederate army Army and that's all anyone knows about him. And you could put him in any story, any, any stock Western story and it would have been a lot of fun. But instead they had to gussied up with supernatural powers and Gatling gun horses and pistols that shoot Dungin' Amite, you know. And they killed your favorite character like 25 men's into the movie when the snake man got burned. He got about the snake man.

There's also a scene where Jonah to get information from somebody played by Tom Wopat is at some kind of underground wrestling fighting to the death man. It seems pretty above ground. It's in a giant tent. No, but I mean, it's not. It's in a giant tent. It's made out of oil cloth. It's a huge tent with a lot of torches around it.

It's advertising. It's appearance and it's huge, but it does seem to be the kind of thing that would be done under that, you know, not legally, where a giant man fights some sort of snake man with fangs who spits acid. Like one of the monsters from the movie The Descent. And you are, that's exactly what's like, and you are waiting for the moment where Jonah Hex gets knocked into this pit has to fight this snake man and it does not happen Instead he pushes a man into the pit leaves stops a dog from getting beaten up and then the dog follows him for the rest of the movie But it is and he when he stops the dog from getting beaten up He punches one of the guys who drops his flaming torch which lights the entire tent on fire

It's almost like Inspector Cluzzo was fighting was it was involved in this. But it's like, this scene is over, let's burn the, let's burn the set. Like, well, we can't explode it, TAN. I guess we'll burn it. That's like every scene ends in flames. That was the producer's mandate. And the movie ends with that flame effect of like you know the screen burns up and there's credits on it. The movie. Just when they thought it was safe to bury Tommy Lee Jones with his flame through it. It is.

It makes such a much money writing flame. So the movie. But this is a movie where 30 to 30 yeah in your state come on. You're delirious. You're going to be using some kind of imaginary typewriter on me and do it right. The best to learn to script ever and sell it for $700,000. Like okay, ninjas imaginary typewriter on me and so it right the best lens I've ever and sell it for seven hundred thousand dollars. Okay, ninjas ninjas. We got a big head. Yeah, ninjas. You have a seven hundred thousand dollar debt. You need to pay off. I don't want to talk about it. Yes.

So if anyone wants to buy me, let me let me let me my friend over at gold line That's not gonna help that's not investment plays but he's got a lot of gold is uh... he's got the sell antics coins that inflated price that's who's he's wealthy that's why i don't know yeah that's actually that's good i think that's a good money is not so that if anyone wants to buy million dollar get away

or flamethrower the movie just contact me elie calen care of the flop house care of the internet five five five main street avenue america u.s.a one two three four dot com just contact me. Elliot Kaylen, Care of the Flop House, Care of the Internet, 555 Main Street Avenue, AmericaUSA1234.com. But when the best character in the movie is the snake man, is the most charismatic most like a little bit most in you know they'll got it not too sick I think that deserves a cat you're back you got it Dan when he is when he's the best character in the movie you have a problem with your movie. Oh, oh. Let's say, yeah, this snake man.

And that was like, that was the most Jonah Hexey thing about the entire story. Was the snake man. There's like a weird underground boxing ring between a fight between a giant and a snake man. Yeah. It was almost like the movie 300 suddenly leaked into this movie by accident.

Uh, the good part of 300. Yeah, yeah. What the monsters. Yeah. Okay. So not the violent sex. Yeah, no, not that part. I would have some letters to read, but I was again sick today. What? But did people send this letters? People didn't letters next time. We'll respond to you. No, that's fine. Dear Dan, are you okay? Signed, concerned, and Cincinnati. Thanks, Cincinnati. Dear Dan, are you okay? Why are you writing such mean things about us? Still concerned, but not as concerned in its connectivity. Well, this is making me feel better. I know that these

completely made up letters, but the concern, the ad-pouring concern, is that what about that hate mail from Pittsburgh? Yeah, with that guy in Pittsburgh hates you. Yeah, look this up, Bluff House. The Pittsburgh Post's, post, because that hates Dan McCoy. He's finally, you finally have a media feud. The first Bluff House media feud.

And you know what, the Pittsburgh Post can set? Can suck it. That's what I say. Let's get this feud rolling rolling they can eat a bag of Dicks they can eat it real hard and Pittsburgh is crap yeah also like Pittsburgh post cassucks sure right to have a guy lost it don't do not give him a cat me he does not deserve that no uh he's another fan letter. Dear Dan, you're my favorite member of the flop house. Signed, nonexistent. Oh, me.

That was uncalled by Pittsburgh might have mailed that. I like, but I do like this. I do like fantasy mailbag. I think that in future months, if we don't have letters in any given week. So you hear that? That's a threat listeners. Oh, you don't send us letters. I will continue a fantasy mailbag. Oh, you're like, Ellie, I just timed open up your fantasy male

vague. Dear Stewart, where'd you get that hat? Don't know how I can see it through the podcast, but it looks good on you. Keep it up. Signed, uh, Sartorialy conscious and connected. It's two listeners and it's a connected. We've got listeners connected. We've got a pocket. We've got a pocket of listeners there. Should we talk about the deaths of Leslie Nielsen or when Kirschner? We can. Do you guys, I mean, they're both sad.

Yep. I mean, Earl Kirschner beloved for his direction of never saying ever again. The best, often called the best of the James Bond sequels. No, for Empire Strikes Back, obviously. Brought an actual sense of drama to, uh, and frankly, visual style. George Lewis is, yeah. Yeah. And Leslie Nielsen, a very funny man and also very good and forbidden planet.

Yep. They weren't, not are those who were like sex-related deaths, right? No, both were men in their 80s who died of natural causes. So Leslie? Oh, I don't have any jokes. Leslie Nielsen, I actually am. That's someone I'm very disappointed that I didn't get to meet before he passed away. He was apparently a very nice person, very funny person in real life. And actually, I didn't realize how old he was.

Yeah. That he's 83, 84 years old. Yeah. So here's the lesson you flop house listeners. Take the time now to write fan letters to all those people. Yeah. I will. And maybe it's, maybe I'll finally get off my butt and write the fan

letter to Ray Harryhausen that I've been meeting trite for about 10 years now. Yeah. As he continues to not reward, not motivate me by staying in perfect health. Well into his 90s, I believe. You're gonna feel bad if some normally passes away. I will feel very bad. But this podcast won't air into the later. So you can edit it out if he does. Um, also, uh, today was announced that the Oscars will be hosted by, uh, hosted by, um, what's this face, James Franco and, uh, the woman who I believe was guys are so close? No haven't talked to her in years or may if ever Oh, my sister newer better than I did Someone a someone I work with made the joke that the that they are in the new Hollywood power couple and Franco

There's a Daniel Ray-Dash Twitter joke But uh, oh Daniel Ray-Dash Twitter joke. But uh, oh Daniel Ray-Dash. It'll be an interesting Oscar's because neither of them is presenters and James Franco is kind of a weirdo. But I'm sure they'll do a fine job. But I guess they decided to not go with like comedy people for once. Because what was it? Alex Baldwin and Steve Martin last year?

Well that John Stewart was just a kind of ruined it for everybody. Herbal flop that no There's no one There's only one terrible flop Oscar host and that's what be Goldberg. Everyone knows it. Yeah So that was a segment called Hollywood talk It was a segment called Hollywood Talk. It was not Rick or... That was a segment called edited out of the broadcast. And... It turns out that when Dana Sikki wants to talk about the latest entertainment news,

much as occasionally Stuart will just bring up news stories or upcoming holidays for no reason. Hanukkah, right? What? Hanukkah? Do we have any thoughts about the North Korea South Korea feud? Let's date this podcast a little bit more. How was your turkey day? Okay. What do you guys laugh at? Let's move on to recommendations. then we can put a bow in the sucker. A bone-a-hacks? Yeah, bone-a-hacks. So movies recommend... Bona-hacks. I saw a couple of movies, advanced movies, thanks to award season I

Got I saw a screening of the blacks swan. Oh, I missed that. Is that good? Yes, well, I'm recommending it I thought you were gonna recommend so I thought you were just bragging. Did you know a legal copy of it with your phone by smart phone? No, that's too bad and I I also got, I also watched a screener of somewhere, I enjoyed both of them. The somewhere is really, I really enjoyed it for the first 99% of it and then like the last 1% the very end of the movie is like such a big bullshit cop out open ending That it almost ruins the entire don't tell me what happens, but it turns out it's all dream. Yeah turns out

Or it ends with Lindsey low-hand typing up the novel That she's gonna write for class and then the door to the closet blows open But that's a reference all of our friends from the lab are there. What? Oliver Sutton is there. Oliver Sutton. Nice reference, Dan. This is the callback recommendations. If you like if you like Cephia Coppola's other movies,

if you liked the Lost Translation or Moran's, when this, like those movies, is entirely mood-based, even more so than those movies. It's a tone poem. It does not have a lot of plot or none, pretty much. But I liked a lot, and the Black Swan was just a relentless erotic roller coaster. Good one. If the idea of the Red Shoes Plus Repulsion sounds good to you, then go see the black swan.

It does sound pretty good actually. Yeah. I love those movies, although I love the Red Shoes more. Yeah. Oh, I thought you meant Red Shoed Diaries. Yeah. Well, there isn't even where you want to see the Red Shoed Diaries plus Ramona then there's a scene where Ronan B's right. There's a scene where Mila Cunus goes down on Natalie Portman. So there's a bit of the Red Shoed Diaries. Spoiler alert. Yeah, that is a spoiler alert.

Like the series. There's a bit of the Red Shoed Diaries, but there's a sex scene. Oh. Unlike other movies Racie sex scene between two Hollywood starlets Hollywood so does Natalie Portman successful in a good girl image I don't know about that, but I think this is probably you know, I She's you know, she's gonna get an Academy Award nomination for it. It's maybe the best I've seen her act on a scale of one to fan A menace where would you put it? Really pan a man is the high end of the scale Well, that's going I'd have to put it at a one

So not good, huh? I like it You guys got recommendations, so you're just gonna keep asking about mine. Should you want to go first? You're stagovers. I can't think anything to recommend. Real you? Mr. recommendation? Mr. Hollywood? Mr. I'm gonna recommend Castle Creek for the eighth time. Yeah, I just like to go on that. Mr. Heated the family. Mr. Invisible maniac? Hey folks out there in La La Lane. Why don't you go to your local video store? Specifically. Go to your local video store. No Netflix allowed. Go to the... yeah, fuck that. Go to the horror slash comedy department. Not even a section there, but a department. We had to hire another assistant manager

just to cover the horror comedies. Just to see it's covered the fighters. Go down, go down to aisle H and pick up head and face like Rosie. I don't think I'm going to say a great movie about a dude who's just before. Yeah, I thought that was the thing. I was recommending some variety recommended.

It's right next to Castle for you. Not a minstrel, H. This is a video, this is a video store which has a whole lot of recommendations. It has a whole department for horror companies, but none with that start with titles, with the letters D E F or G. What store is this? This is that video store. He's dismantled your logic. So you snatch of that out of the family, you go upstairs to the rental rental test. You get that whole floor. Yeah, you wait a lot behind the ladies running by Centennial Man. When she's done, when she's gone, then you pay your $1.50 to take the

VHS cassette of Helen Family Home. So you can pop it into your player and have a nice son. Night maybe pop some Redden Bokers, some Jiffy Pop. Both of those. Both of them do a taste comparison. It's gonna be so. Make it night, man. They watch a movie, do a popcorn taste test. There's gonna be somewhere out there who's listening to this on their iPod and they're doing exactly what you're saying,

which is so ridiculous, you see specific. It's gonna seem like you're talking to them and them alone. Sure, that's the beauty of this. The top podcast work. Yeah. Sensual. Ra Ra Ra. Elliott.

I'm going to recommend. Try and follow that. I can't. I will just recommend a recent film called Scene Noem Bray without name or without a name or unnamed, which is, well, it's Scene No Numbrae. It's a Spanish language title, which is a movie about two migrants trying to make their way through Mexico and to the United States border. One is a Honduran girl with her father and uncle, and the other is a Mexican gang member who is on the run from the gang that he dedicated his life to and now wants

him dead. And it's a really good tough movie that sags a little in the middle, but is very good overall. And it really and it has some scenes that really create a kind of bizarre nightmare world out of this world of migrants riding trains and things like that. And it's very good. All right. We made it guys we made it through Yeah, I'm doing okay. Yeah, I'm I mean I mean it's mainly me I made it through but meaning you yeah, you made it through I made it through and No number of cat noises you're a real hero

Really call it an early night. He's gonna go pick up his daughter. Let's his night with the kids. No, she's single that or. Well, yeah, I mean, and she, you know, she just got off her shift at Wendy's. Oh, okay. So she a teenager or an adult or she's a young adult. So tonight the two of them are just gonna to head to the video store go to the old horror comedy to Barbies. Think of head of the family. Maybe. Fob some jiffy pop some red vodka. I mean he seemed to be paying attention to me while I was giving my

As you start talking he got his eyes glazed over a little bit so I was gonna go with with my decision and Dan's movies aren't even on video yet. Yeah, true. Yeah. I don't know if they're even coming out of the VHS yet. Yeah. Yeah. You would have to pay cash money in the theater. I dropped the ball on that one guys. Where's mine's on Netflix instant. Yeah. Oh God. Now I feel bad. I think we better just sign off. Okay. My name has been Dan McCoy. My name is Stuart Welley, Dan. My name will continue to be Elliott Kaelin long after the cities of men have been laid low by the folly of the gods and their dust swirls with emotes and the wisps of air left behind on this dead planet. Yay, though this cold barren rock shell. Circle the sun, none will be left to remember it, but my name Ellie K. Ra-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a- Gossip, you guys like gossip? Gossip? Gossip? That's the best kind.

Hot. It was a cold gossip like Hushot Lincoln. He changed to colors. Sand effect now, I think. I don't even know what slid the sound effects are. I don't even know what slid the sound effects are. I don't even know what slid the sound effects are. I don't even know what slid the sound effects are.

I don't even know what slid the sound effects are. I don't even know what slid the sound effects are. I don't even know what slid the sound effects are. I don't even know what slid the sound effects are. I don't even know what slid the sound effects are. I don't even know what drop the needle on this thing.