The Flop House - The Flop House: Episode #72 - Killers

Episode Date: January 8, 2011

0:00 - 0:32 - Introduction and theme.0:33 - 4:00 - We re-introduce guest host Lou Fernandez of Lou Reads the Internet for You.4:01 - 34:20 - We talk about the Kutcher-Heigel collaboration that America's 12-year-olds were clamoring for.34:21 - 36:35 - Final judgments40:07 - 47:45 - We expand our flop purview to include The Great White Way, as Lou relates his experience seeing Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark47:46 - 56:42 - The sad bastards recommend. 56:43 - 58:07 - Goodbyes, theme, and outtakes.

In this episode we complete our Catherine Hygge trilogy by discussing killers. Hey everyone and welcome to the flop house, I'm Dan McCoy. Hey, I'm Stuart Welley Dunn and I'm Lou Fernandez. Yes, Elliot, Elliot's New Year's resolution was apparently not to consider the fans and what the fans want and their emotions. I thought the fans wanted Lou Fernandez to do a guest spot. No, the fans do want that, but Elliot apparently, like he didn't care to fight Lou for his right. He actually didn't respond to my challenge email at all. Right. You're sort of like a you're like an uva bowl. Like you knew that Elliot had been criticizing you and so you challenged him to some fisticuffs bear knuckle. I don't believe in just I want it to be real. Yeah you

want to you want to feel their skin on your skin. That's right and not no homo. Let the love begin. Now you may you fans may remember Lou from Jesus why can't remember for alien There's better I got better to baby P. Requiem. That's right. He was on the show before you also may know from his much more popular than our podcast podcast Lou reads the internet for you. That's yeah and You may recognize his dulcet tones from several advertisements. That's right. I'm I did some commercials for Queez and Art and the New York Times. Yeah. That's awesome. You can even hear the warmth in his voice. I know. I want to buy a

Queez and Art. Right now I'm feeling like I'm in my place in my voice over career where I need to go and live on the streets for 10 years. Yes. And you discovered. Topical! Topical! Yeah. Dating our podcast!

Speaking of living on the streets. Yeah? Oh! Yeah, the pillars. Not really. I don't understand how thick ways of work. Well, if you stand on it and then you drive with your hands, there's a gyroscope. I had the guy who the company fell off that cliff.

What, the gyrabot? No, the owner of the company. Oh, okay. Wait, gyroscope? What are we talking about? We're talking gyromyfe, the NES. Yeah,, Jiro bot the little robot that helps you play the game Sure, I'm not familiar with this. Yeah, is that old Nintendo Nintendo system came not only with the blaster But also with a robot that had a gyroscope and it was good for a peripheral maybe two games were made

And Jiro might was one of those two games So I really I feel like I need to see this now yeah I'm not gonna look at it right now you're in I mean I hope please your line maybe a guy too you know like a techie I have a computer a gleeke no yes no but were doing a television program, Gleebeet. No, yes, no. But Lou does a series of videos called Mac tips. That's right. I also have a series of videos where I give unhelpful, not incorrect, but just unhelpful

and retarded sounding Mac advice. Is that about the TV show Glee II? Yes. Okay. It's called G league glee tips Which is actually the very Inde the gleeics penis Whoa, yep, Ellie's not here so I can break out blue damn

Blue Dan is here Nice We watch movie cut killers Sure, fine. Is that killers? Nice we watch movie called killers sure I'm not killers. No, I'm not a Chalene fact gets a eyeball shot out and it's also not a black and white film noir movie. It's not the killing no the Kubrick film Wait, was that the Kubrick film? There were like and all there was no old the killers was Oh, it's a cool brick. There were like in all there was no old the killers was the killer's like boring was used in a dead man don't wear plan

I believe they use some of that footage in there what um yeah this is a movie with ash tonne culture and uh and i guess Catherine and that's okay hi cool man she is like an ulcer i think this is we've done more Catherine high school vehicles than any other actress. Yeah. She's the female Gerard Butler, which I guess makes the awful truth.

No, that's the character grant movie, the ugly truth. So from my understanding, this movie is by default. This movie, the killers takes place, you know, shortly after the end of the Ugly Truth, when Catherine Higel's dating Jard Butler and they totally break up because he's a jerk, you know, because she's not spontaneous enough. I mean, a little bitch to this one. He's in the Andethal. Yeah. Well, he's so... I didn't see this. He's so masculine. But didn't see that. So masculine. But so is he a killer in that movie too? He's kind of like Wolverine in the X-Men.

Speaking of which, I was on the string today guys. I think the wild. And I'm on the other side. Okay, sure. And there's this awesome, I passed a minivan that had the license plate that said, Wolverine. Yeah, the minivan that had the license plate that said I will make sure van yeah and the license plate said Wolverine but instead of I it was a one so that means someone has

that as minivan right someone has Wolverine that is me yeah someone kidnap no no no that someone actually has the whole word if they had to replace the one yeah or maybe they're just is that yeah yeah No, no, no, no, someone actually has the whole word if they had to replace the one. Yeah. Uh, maybe they're just. Yeah, yeah. But it was I like to think that, you know, the Wolverine would ride around in the back. So, uh, even, oh, let's, let's go back to the movie.

I'm sorry for that. Um, yeah, it's a movie. Um, so it's the sequel to the ugly truth. I think you said that. And, and, uh And they're broken. And Katherine Hyggele just got dumped. And she goes to... She's on a trip with her parents.

She's nice. Nice. Nice, okay. Nice friends. With her folks. Her folks. Tom Selleck and Katherine O'Hara. But she doesn't want anyone to know that she's there with her parents.

You might know them from... You may know Tom Sic from the popular detective show, Magnum PI. And currently a blue blood, is that right? He's in the blue bloods program, which I don't know whether it's home air. So I like true bloods. Makes out vampire cops. Yeah. I'll watch it.

A dynasty of vampire cops. I'll watch anything a dynasty of vampire. I watch anything with vampires on it And you may know miss Catherine O'Hara from SCTV like no idiot sketch show or a mighty whim mom in Home Alone Popular film nope, but she's also in all of those Christopher guest films for guest films mighty whale and uh Christopher guest films, Christopher guest films, Mighty Will and

Vizess, she's a red head, maybe she's in a Mighty Will. Maybe we just, we just saw her in, you know, we just saw her in killers. Yeah, that's right.

She exists. We've all experienced your presence. Maybe she's just in other movies that I've seen. Maybe I'm just not watching the right movies. Did you watch the movie with her in it just now?

Home Alone. Hmm, Home of What? Okay, so, no, home of now. Home Alone. Home of what? Okay, so no home of there. Second time. Yeah.

They're, yeah, they're all going on a vacation together. Okay. Catherine Hyggewell is getting over a breakup. And I guess that's why her parents are taking her to the East. I guess that's what's happening. Even though she is a... Oftentimes, it's an American ritual when someone breaks up their parents

taking them on an expensive vacation to Europe. Right. For all our international listeners, yeah, to explain that to them. He had the father had some business there. Right. And Catherine Heigel is astounded when she comes face-to-face

with a nearly new to astral culture and the uh... alveyor by nearly the whole of the hotel yeah he was wearing a bathing suit that's not the first time we're introduced really is it i don't know don't we see him plant the bomb before then all right we see spoiler alert we see him planning a bomb is planted yet it's it's all spoilers. Nobody's gonna watch like

Catherine Haigle, uh, you know, you can see you can see her panties moistening Visibly actually not literally there's not actually a close-up of cloth dampening This is a r-rated film Not not even program. Well, you I mean you could show that in an R-rated film. You just can't show like lips, right? I don't know You have to show lips and then have sort of a moisture meter go up the screen like Okay, like in a video like All movies will be like this in the future sure she falls from immediately and the two of them was this movie supposed to be in 3d?

Okay, because I thought maybe it was supposed to be in 3d and I was missing something It's two of them fall in love Stewart take it from here. Okay, so they fall in love Martin Moll shows up and I'm like, why is it he being funny? And you guys are like, I don't think he's in a comedy And I'm like, okay, so Martin Moll is hanging out with Ashen Kitchen He's like, yo, you gotta keep killing these people and Ashen Kitchen's like I don't know I don't know if I was supposed to kill that last guy I'm out of here I love Captain Heigel and Martin Moles like oh you'll regret this dude and

then Martin Moles wait put on the brakes wait a minute wait a minute I mean the movie is fast forward like a million years with a minute, wait a minute. I mean, the movie is supposed to be like a million years. Well, they're married again. He asks. He asks for her hand in marriage. I don't remember that. Discs. Oh, they're doing discus?

They're shooting discus. No, not discus. They're not having a great, Greco-Roman challenge. They're shooting skeet. Skeet shooting. Clay pigeons. Doesn't matter. Anyway, what else happened? There's an explosion right we could we could inner heart like

Does does actually murder a helicopter pilot? Yeah, well, it's not that's how you know that he is a killer That's how you know he's our hero. He's our hero because he's a killer of people of a darker skin who ever happened to be employed of a darker skin who ever happened to be employed by the helicopter. Okay, so there in love he asks, I guess, to Marier, Tom Sellecker-Dad is like, oh, kind of tough. He's kind of a... There's something going on between him, but we're not sure yet. That's why mustache smile of his. A lot of dimples on that guy. Yeah, sexual tension.

Are they probably that anger? Probably they're both hunks. Jure. They're burning up the screen. Yeah, I mean, Tom, so still pretty. Women still think Tom's elegant. Cruel is hot even though he's a, we're gonna act a generic.

Yeah. So then that's then they do a fast forward right they do three years later. Three years later. Like a Brad smoothie. Time job. So, Jair and we're living in suburbia. Ashen Kutcher is now archaic fire is singing about it. Apparently. That's right.

Don't get that reference. He, you know, who the arcade player is. Ashton Kutcher is now a architect or maybe a construction. He got his architecture license. Yeah, I guess he has some sort of job doing buildings and use that three years wisely. That's right. An architecture master's would fit right into that. That's true.

We would know that wouldn't he? He immediately started the program when he got back from nice. And now he's a successful guy. Kevin Heigel is kind of irritating and they plan a birthday party or something. I lost it again. What have you actually planned for him? This was a part where we had to... This was a part where we had to...

He had to run in with the dean. I'm sorry, this is a movie. No, it's different. It's different films. This is where we had to stop the movie and you had to explain it to me. Yeah, we had to stop the movie three times to discuss what was happening. At this point in the film, uh, Ashton Kutcher, um, is having, having this birthday party, Rob Riggle, um, he's the daily show. citizens are gay. He's a friend of actions from the Architecture firm He's very crass. Nice that Elliott's not here to hear us say anything about his daily took colleagues

There's former daily took colleagues although Rob Riggle Perfectly funny with the material that he's sure and he was not terrible in the movie But maybe to any action scenes it turns out that Rob Riggle is a assassin there to kill action. Kutcher, not a friend at all. It takes a shot. He's a minute. Yeah. Yeah. He falls asleep on the couch at the, uh, at his party at the party but in between but before that we find out that he that he gets contacted by his former boss.

It's a lot of subtle interaction that you're guessing out on. Yeah. Like, Katherine Hygge, we're worrying about their relationship and kind of being a bit about it. Yeah, there's a lot of that going on. Then he gets the package in the mail. She's both snacking. She's always snacking.

All right. I'm just trying to get the fucking basics of the flat out of the way guys. Okay. So Elliott would have done it three times. So it turns out that Rob Regal is trying to kill him because there's a big bounty on his head. 20 million dollars. They drive around and shoot each other. Rob Regal dies. Then he doesn't just he doesn't just die. It's car gets flipped over on to some rebar. Okay, and it all goes through the car, spearing him. Nice. It was a serious the room. It was very exciting. Spearing assassin seems to be a theme. Sure.

Later on, the go to like his office or something, and his secretary turns out to also be an assassin. They'd battle for a little while, she then gets speared by a bunch of deer antlers. Yeah, but that's jumping head. Meanwhile, because of the Rob Riggle fight, Katherine Hyggele has learned that her husband is an assassin. Oh yeah, he's like. But you know, I walked away from it because I love you and I'm not an assassin. We're forgetting that. Gotta go back to his boss.

His boss is contacts him. His former boss, Constantine, Martin Malteson, to meet him at a hotel. And they go to the hotel and he's dead and they take his computer, or they're looking at Rob Riggles' computer. This is where I was confused. They look at Rob Riggles' computer.

They look at Rob Riggles' computer. He has the pictures, the next person who's supposed to get hit is Catherine Higel's dad, or he's in the pictures. The next person who's supposed to get hit is Catherine Higel's dad or he's in the pictures. Right. He's in the picture. He's right. See this is this what you're just confusing the issue. I'm sorry. So there were multiple attempts on his life. Their multiple attempts on his life. It caused some relationship stress. That's true. She's she just has had the curtain

lifted. She had no idea. She's still coming to grips with it. The whole town is trying to kill them all the sudden. It turns out they're just 20 million dollar bounty on their head as we have established. And then at the end, holy shit, what happens? Tom Sallick. I feel like he's made a long remember. Wait, what? Tom Sallick has been involved from the very beginning. What are you talking about? Well, it turns out that Ash and Kutcher had been hired by corrupt Martin Moll

to kill Tom Selling in Nice. So he's not a bad guy? He might be. Ash and Kutcher is not a bad guy? No, I mean, I'm assuming he's not. He's our hero. Tom Selling apparently worked for the US government and action could you thought he was working for the US government, but at that point,

Martin Maul had gone corrupt. So it was looking at a row. That's right. It's called Broken Arrow, guys. It was lucky that action could you're walked away when he did because of love. And so Tom Sallick is still alive now, but because he, Tom Sallick knew that Hessian Kutcher was an assassin who had been sent to kill him. What does he do? He still allows Hessian Kutcher to marry his daughter. Well, he's, I mean, he wonders it when he finds out that she's going to have a baby.

Yeah, he's going to give her strong children. All right. He's got a thirst. So he passed the genetics test. He lets him marry his daughter, but he does go to the precaution of planning several sleeper agents in the town about a dozen who might be willing to then when the when the final bounty is announced, kill their friend that they get paid for that. Well, he didn't get killed. But why would they get wait, the killer, no one killed him. But what they were on the ash on the lift, no, I'm wondering about the sleeper agent where they had jobs. Oh, you're saying paid by a by Tom Selik over the years, the three years.

Good question. What's a good question. What's the economics of this story? Well look, he's like this is going to be a big bounty. You guys have to relocate to this area because this is a three year. Maybe a bounty. He's a three year hit. He's going to architecture school.

So you also have to go get your architectures degree. That's an architect. Wait, is it a degree or a... Let me just finish. Okay. It's a printout. So Tom Salock you go to secretary school. I'm so triggered these people He sees the note from Martin Mall and sees and and thinks that now actually Kutcher is back in the game. Yeah

So he gives the green light to kill it. It didn't really bother around the attempted murder before But now there's fair you you know, fool me once. Yeah, but Martin Mall, what's he thinks? Martin Mall is back in the game with Ashton Kutcher. You know, he's like, you know, he released the hounds. And everyone in town is trying to kill him. Why's the amount all that loose the unlikely murderers? But then at the end of the story,

like I was forced to, Catherine Haigle announces that she's pregnant, which makes Tom Selt sit back and take a moment and be like, which is the only answer incessant snacking. Yeah. Maybe this all was just a mistake. And Tom Selt like an ash-catured mistake. And Catherine Haigle and Catherine Harrow lived together half-lever after even though the father and law and the son tried to kill each other.

Oh, okay, so it's weird. But then there's a time-dash and there's a baby. There's a lot of people dead at the end of the month. That's right, at the very end of the movie, the final scene. A whole townful. Yeah, basically. And no, we're in the first place.

There's no big rush. There's no other time-dash. We're in the first question. Sure. Well, there's another time, Dash, where now we're at least nine months later, and the baby is now a real baby. It's not just a zygote, which could be aborted and wouldn't be a person, and we wouldn't have to have an argument about abortion. Okay, interesting. But anyways, the baby is real, and that you see him, they look like they're working on

a bomb, but it's really part of an elaborate laser defense system for the baby's room. Yep. Because he is a spy after all, and this is the first time we see any spy gadget tree. Yeah. And the very last minute of the film. That's right. Or you see that he's really is a spy. So he's only for a year.

So it's my problem. What was that nipple joke? Oh, the Bavarian forest chest hair gag. No, it was it was a hair. I don't know. Hera is pretty. Okay. So we're talking about a comedy, okay?

Right. So how does it work on that level, man? Well, I think the way you're going to say is that a Catherine Hera is funny. She's playing as like an alcoholic mom who have no one quite knows is the alcoholic but she's clearly drunk and everything i'm assuming if i've seen her in other movies probably plays a similar character or could

she is a good range okay good range okay uh... tom cell is charming as he always is he's just a very likable guy i was thinking in the movie hey you know it would be good. Why don't we make a movie about Catherine and her and Tom Selick as a spy family. Forget about these fucking youngsters. Sure, sure. Says Kutcher and Hygol. Well they have chemistry that just comes

right off the screen. Burn your face. Yep. I know you're the screen burns your face. Yep I found my face I mean kill it. It's a chemical burn You got it you got it baking soda. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeah, you can't do a water because I'll just spread it around your whole body Let's try burning it's terrible So burns So they you're pretending into burn it so burn notice First real thing is by is kill your father-in-law. If you've got to kill your father-in-law, you've got to have some masking tape.

That's pretty wow. That's pretty good. Yeah, that's pretty good. Yeah, well up, and then you go back down. Oh. It's the Michael Weston that's called him a biz. Sure. So, what was I gonna say about this? Oh, you were saying that

originally we were sort of complimenting the movie at one point because it, it does have the spirit of we were giving one of these spy sort of comedy romp, maybe like charade or like, yeah, the first like 15, 20 minutes, I'm like, okay, this isn't good, but I could see myself kind of enjoying this. I mean, they're in Nice. So it's got like the foreign, uh, they do, like you, they introduce Catherine or her on time. So I'm like, oh, this is nice. I like these actors. They have a like doctor, no inspired pop art credit sequence. And, uh, driving on the zippy and then they,

we've tried to never come back. But that's what I'm going to say that after the three-year time dash after they got married There's the whole thing of she's like I got us tickets to go to a cruise to niece and he's like I can't go back And up until then there's Nation away can't go back Just like because I maybe it could be because he blew up a helicopter there because he blew up a helicopter there. Maybe sure. He's wanted by you to do that.

The family of the helicopter pilot is still looking for him. Monsieur le helicopter exploto in France. And there's one in there. They don't have words for that. Well, French children are put to sleep by horror stories told by their nannas about a horrible man who comes on the air yet. The helicopter sales went down tremendously in their

neisterism plummeted. Sure. Yeah. You don't want to go there and get your helicopter exploded. No. So, um, let's talk about the chemistry between our two leads, Dan. What do you think about, uh, what do you think about uh... what do you think about cat and i'll a lot of the comedy uh... a lot of the comedy rests on her shoulders which are

more than ample to the task to don't you believe i feel like uh... cat and i'll have met a career playing brittle and shrill in a series of films she is unlikeable yeah all the time and i think i like her which said sounds She is unlikable all the time in this movie. I have to say I liked her hair which sounds odd But I did I like it was I mean was her hair funny in anyway? No, I just appreciated it on her on her head The compliment her appearance. I mean I'll go so far as to say I disliked her less than in the other Flop house movies we've seen her in in this movie

It's like kind of you. Her period of riddle, shrillness was shorter in this film, mainly when she was upset about him being a spy. For sure, right? Which was like 45 minutes of the movie. Sure. But still, not all of it. Yeah, so that's a plus.

Ashen Kutcher. Is he a believable action star uh he's got tremendous abs. Yeah it does. That's basically I was just trying to I was trying to get you to say it first. I mean I didn't want to you know I didn't want people to know you're a file of me saying he's got tremendous ads. Well, he does have tremendous ads the guy he works on is solo flex That's a flex that you can go alone Oh man Yeah, but it would you know he's fine whenever he's supposed to be Just like doing light comment like not actually delivering jokes but just being like oh I'm the charming guy

But anytime he has to show any sort of emotion right well There's also like the it's the comedy, but there's that serious scene in the cemetery where he's like get out Where just any he just falls apart whenever he tries to get serious and one of the one of the things I think you pointed out was how the opening of the movie, they kind of, you know, they show Catherine Hygge and Anation Kutcher getting together. But they don't, I mean, they don't really have them much chemistry. There's not that much spark. And then they have to like, so they show that sequence.

And then they jump forward three years and they don't really show you their married life that much. We have no idea who they're supposed to be as a couple. So the big shake up in their life doesn't, there's nothing to play off of there. And most of their married life consists of them referencing their meeting in the beginning of the movie. And her relationship with her parents.

We know nothing about his family in any way. Mm-hmm. But he probably was chosen to be a killer because he has no family and no ties so that if you're found, we would know that Katherine High goes friends with Casey Wilson, co-writer of bride wars, former SNL cast member. Yeah, so that's former huh? Yeah Yeah The whims and ways of Lord Michael's or Michael's okay. Well broad wars was not that good of a movie This one to strikes I think Lord Michael's got rid of her because of that I think Okay, I haven't before and okay, so Yeah, we don't really know that much about them. So the shake-up doesn't really matter

I Okay, so yeah, we don't really know that much about them. So the shakeup doesn't really matter. I mean, it's impossible not to compare this movie to other like spies, like disguise spies as suburban couples. I think someone mentioned Hot Fuzz, where like suddenly everyone's in a sassin. Yep. True lies. True lies, it had moments of true lies. We're, and Mr. and Mrs. Smith. So, I mean, true lies, it had moments of true lies and Mr. and Mrs. Smith. So I mean there's

the like classic, sure, X versus sever. I mean I'm not saying movies are women, men and women do each other. I'm not going to say Mr. Smith is a good movie, but the same it's the same fucking thing. It's like a globe-trying assassin is disguised as a suburban housewife, or so. It's a much better movie than this movie is. That's like a globe-trotting assassin is disguised as a suburban housewife or something. Both the much better movie than this movie is. That's true, but that's once again all because of the chemistry. It was also directed as you said. You said it was directed very flatly. There's nothing ever visually exciting happening.

Except for hair. The scene with yet. Well, that's not the director. That's the stylistic. It's a spy movie. It cries out for like crazy stuff. There's only one real fight scene, right, with Rob Riggle. Yeah. Which there's a brief fight scene where Winkotcher and then went on a fight with a young, a petite woman.

That's true. That's true. And that was her being stabbed by antlers. That's right. That was, why were the antlers up? They mentioned it earlier as being silly or a girl. That was his decorating choice. No. It's too bad he wasn't killed, but that would be poetic justice. Yep, poetic justice.

Poisoned by his own pitard. It's a random shit. I would have liked to hear the detail that he had actually killed all the deer to make that antler shandlear, Because it was at least 50 antlers. Well, speaking of the fact that everyone turned into a assassin in the movie. Now we were taught, like at least 80% were women. Eventually this made sense, but we were talking sort of. Okay, eventually this didn't make sense in a different way.

Okay. Okay. Originally this idea didn't make sense because we were all like, okay, so these people have been living with them for three years in their lives, like playing these parts. In case. In case there's going to be a bounty on them. And then, all of a sudden, when there is a bounty on them,

they all come up to them and make their presence known and act like they normally do. Only a little more sinister. Yeah. And they're like, hey, you want to sign for this delivery? Yeah, the mailman menacingly throws it to the table. A delivery of bullets. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Instead of just somewhere on the other side of the van where I can shoot you better. Right. Yep. Instead of just easily walking up to them because they're all friends and quickly putting a bullet in their brain. Hey, guy, you want a pizza pie? My office is circular, so I believe. Hey, I wasn't expecting a pizza pie. Sure. However, they could just, you know, they live in a town with a lot of high bill.

You could be like, hey, what's up? Boom. Yeah. Boysen. Yeah. I'm going to go out in the street and prove that this is possible. So none of that made any sense. In tell, it's revealed at the end that there were sleep reagents, Tom Selleck's sleep reagents.

But then this doesn't make sense in another way, which we've already pointed out, like, have they been getting paid this whole time? Like why did Tom Selleck hold on? Why did Tom Selleck just be like, oh, I'm going to have a sassons hang out around you rather than not let you marry over. How do they get past like, you know, the interviews for the neighborhood, like getting their realtor.

This is a survey, you know, it's a really insanely detailed plot for Tom select to have crafted it in Nice when he's on vacation. We're half of these houses lying, fallow, people not living in these houses. So just like we're ready to move in. Is it dead end in the neighborhood? Yeah. These are all questions. And the assassin's kind of reinvigorated this community. Now the world is dead.

Like what's going to happen? The assassin's have a wide range. The convenience store is going to have to close. Half the town's architecture firm is dead. All the guns and bullet stores. You're going to go out of business. Who is using these guns and bullets? I mean, I'm not complaining.

I mean, we're doing better than we ever did. Our second hacker Jack Sales. Yeah. I've been fueled entirely by guns. In the downturn, everyone buys ammo, which is a matter of fact, tea partyers. Yeah. This is my aliyama.

Top the cool. Any of my things? I'm sure dating this podcast door. So, but ultimately, we discover, as we alluded to before, that we have been meant to care for this entire movie about a fight between two people who are supposed to both be our heroes, their rivalry or whatever has been going on is like at the heart of everything that's happened in this

film basically and they're both good guys and they're both members of the same family so Tom Celic shouldn't be trying to kill Ashton Kutcher and At the end a bunch of people got killed because of this feud The East End movie that we saw They just love their family if I learn one thing from reality TV show interviews with people They just love their family that's what matters family. That's all that matters. Mm-hmm and our Lord Yeah, and children or a future. Like they're children, their child's their child's spy. Kids spy. Killers too. God, can you hear me? It's Margaret. Uh, I'll go say that when it's revealed that they're sleep agents by Tom Selec, the whole scene of him being like, Tom Selec somehow, for no reason, recognizes action,

kutcher, and the flashback as the assassin, that's why you didn't get on the helicopter. Yeah, they showed us the flashback from earlier, the movie. It was just like, but how? Why did he know that the assassin kutcher was an assassin? Just because he knows. Yeah, a roll of X. Every time I see a very gay looking dude come in a hotel, I know not to get in a helicopter. I mean, he wasn't free.

It's slower. Come on. Well, he's playing. I thought he was playing Faye. Oh, okay. He did talk with a weird accent early on. The weird thing is that after they've kind of come to this understanding, Tom Selleig then just points his gun and shoots one of the his sleeper assassin.

That's right. He's like, why don't you just say that TV or the voice of Alon D'Poursting. It's like, hey, wait, wait, wait, down, he's off. Nope, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, he had, you know, sorry I killed your fake husband. I don't know if you guys really had to do it since you were just working for me, but How deep your cover was Real deep. Yeah I'm giving you the serious space so Stewart do you not know whether you're a criminal or a cop anymore? I don't the way into the deep The thing about hunting monsters, dudes, is that sometimes when you hunt monsters, you have to become one. Holy shit. You find them.

I don't know if that means. Inside yourself. That's right. Yep. The monster in the mirror. Monsters ball. Yep. The notebook. There's a monster in the notebook. I heard that the monster in the notebook is that it makes couples break up. All time. There's a monster in the notebook. Yeah, when people realize that your potential mate may get a brain wasting disease. Okay, I got it. It's kind of a bone or buster. That is a bone or buster. So I'm recording this in a different way than usual. So I have no idea how many minutes we've gone. So Okay, let's wrap that measure wrap it up. We're doing it by measures right now. It's in song. Trying something else so I can well, you don't need the technical stuff. Are you doing auto tune to this one?

Yeah, nice. So guys This is a good bad movie a bad movie or a movie you actually liked in some way, Stuart? I kind of hope that it would have been movie I would have kind of liked, but it was a bad bad movie. There just wasn't enough. The comedy really wasn't there.

There were a couple, I didn't get a couple of laughs out of it, but most of it was just relatively boring. It was very flat. Yeah. I feel like I feel like there were a couple of flourishes in it. It was trying to aim higher than like, you know, like I said, like the Bounty Hunter or something like along those lines. It was trying to aim higher than just being like a generic high-concept or a dramatic comedy. It was clearly like drawing on older like zippy like spy comedies, but ultimately as soon as especially as soon as it was revealed that Tom Selleck was behind it all and they had just been shooting at each other like in-laws have been shooting at each other the entire movie. I got angry.

Yeah, I was gonna say that you know like I said you know you could see the that what they were trying to do and I was gonna like, oh, I wanted it to be held so much better. And I think I'm giving action because you're a lot of credit but I feel like he could do it, but he does something. He just can't. Yeah. That is that with that makes sense. But you know, I was gonna say, but it had moments where I hoot and hollered out loud, you know, spontaneously with like when the R.A. hillbill that's right. Well, you know, what guess because I was trying to get your attention because I had dropped my watch for the song.

The, uh, well, like the, the impaling of Rob Riggle and the upside down car and then the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, what did I call the Italian prostitute woman in the red car when she's Exploded with from behind Italian nor prostitute in the movie by the way. I just call women like that Italian prostitute This clarified well, I think that we can all agree that was bad bad movie, but Better than many of the bad bad movies we've seen It was so slow and not sensible. It was terrible though. Yeah, I don't, it was terrible, but I wanted it to be better, but my hopes and dreams

mean nothing to this. Yeah, that's fine. So, Lou, I thought that instead of reading some mail, I would like to learn a little bit about something that you did recently, which was to see the Spider-Man musical. Oh, this is becoming the Broadway flop house for a moment. Yeah, this is my little backstory. My cousin was coming in from Ecuador and she wanted to do something special for her husband because they were going to be here with the holidays.

So she told me like, do you want me to get tickets? I can get us four tickets to this Spider-Man while they're here. So it was me, Christopher, and my cousin Dan also bought tickets, and my seven-year-old son and his five-year-old son. So we were there with Vanemond. We can see him. His son has a five-year-old son. Yeah, his five-year-old son, Romano.

Sure. And you wanted to show them what it looks like with human history. Chris is seven-year-old son. And so we went and saw it. And it was the worst experience of my entire life. It was unbelievably terrible theater experience. I'll say that. Okay. I've had people die in my life and that was sort of worse personally in a personal level. But as a theater in a theater level, this was, it was absurd. Now, you like comic books. Sure. How would you feel if you found out that Uncle Ben was run over by a car instead of shot by a murderer? All right, that's a little weird.

I heard that and I was immediately like, well, there goes Spider-Man's motivation. Yeah, he, someone says, someone stop that car. And he's like counting money in the car. His uncle Ben, who is off screen, off stage, you're like, whoa, bro, bro, bro, bro, bro. And then he's dead and he doesn't say anything. Why worry about how it comes, greater responsibility. That is said in a song.

Awesome. That is not actually said to Spider-Man at any point in the movie. But here's the where it gets weird. It is the beginning of a movie. The story is told. There's exposition by 14agers who are telling the story of what would be the best Spider-Man story ever. And they'd, for some reason. And then that's the Spider-Man, they'd, oh yeah, it never happens. So the girl says, the girl in the group goes, there was another person who had, oops, there was another person who had spider powers, not just Spider-Man.

It was a girl in ancient Greece. Her name was Arachnid. And then they tell the story, the Greek myth of a Rackney, who has loses a battle with Athena or Hera or whatever. And commits suicide. Or she wins, but she boasts and so the God curses her or whatever. This is a great mythology. Anyway, she hangs herself. She hangs herself. And then she is cursed to be the spiders and she does she weepers fates anyway that's important because later so anyway the green goblin has created the green goblin is not a man who gets turned into a super smart and strong person who's crazy but actually genetically mutated into a lizard man with wings who flies or like a lizard. And I thought it was genetically mutated pumpkin bombs. All this happens offstage and you never see any of that in real life. You do the

flying stuff is cool because I was pretty impressive that they can land a dude in the aisles of the theater. Right. He he's doing but like half the time he was like here i go and then he'd be like supposed to grab one of the ropes that is holding him to be like his spider web he's never actually shooting spider web and but he would miss it and be kind of like whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo who So the music is terrible. The songs are retarded. The Mary Jane thing is like hardly explained his problems that as Peter Parker's problems are hardly explained. There's no orchestra. It's all canned music except for two dudes playing guitars on the side of the stage. Awesome. a racket guitar. And Spider-Man and the Green Goblin have a battle. And in the end, he

tries to recruit Spider-Man to help him because they're both freaks. And Spider-Man rejects him and then they have a battle. And Spider-Man kills the Green Goblin. Green Goblin falls to his death and dies because he's a bug man. And then Spider-Man is like, people who get close to me get hurt. So I'm going to quit being Spider-Man. And he throws away the costume. And you're seeing one. Now I forgot to mention that, that, um, Eracny gives Spider-Man the costume. Okay. From the, from the, from the astral plane. I sure do. Okay.

Or man will high five opens up. So, like, a Spider-Man rejects being Spider-Man curtain down. Spider-Man no more. The people come, people behind me go. What would say? Is that it? Is it over? Should we go? Are people leaving? Is that it? You'd think they would tell us if that was it.

That's part of the script, right? Yeah, it was like people in the audience are part of the play. People were taking pictures. There's lots of like, no pictures. Like a show screaming and everybody. They're everybody nobody get likely and catch some stuff so yeah there's someone dying so the screen the curtain goes up for second scene by her man is a god no one knows where he is a rackney is mad so the teenagers are like trying to figure out how to tell the story without spider-man because they're

back telling the story and a rackney shows up and she's like I'm taking over this story and they're like what you can't do that she says I just did get out of here and then her and her like furies which are eight-legged women in like thigh high stockings with garters on all eight legs kind of come out and do this like 60 days. Like a new incentive. Yeah. It's some sort of human set-up to get over here. So then a rackney takes over the world to make weaves an illusion to bring Spider-Man out so that he can be Spider-Man again, and then he can set her free from the astral plane.

So then makes no sense whatsoever. Jay-John and James's character is like a supreme asshole who's makes no sense. And she puts like the comic. Yeah. But she appears to him in a two-legged form to try to coerce him to make a editorial about Spider-Man and he doesn't want to so then on her eight-legged monster people come in Through James anger like

They put a weevil like a ribbon around him and he's like just run the story to the the black guy who's the his help the assistant editor of the Frank something So he would know yeah, I would know sorry guys. So then he so then There's she revives all the bad guys and he has to fight them And he never actually fight anybody. He's like there's like a giant screen and he's like punching at the TV. I feel like that sometimes when I watch these flop house movies, I want to punch that screen. So, I get it.

So, then I'll just cut to the end. The the Iraqi goes to eventually Spider-Man goes to try to save Mary Jane as she's falling off the bridge which is where that guy fell off in the previous and the famous video. Now he doesn't actually need to conflate Mary Jane in Quinn's Tasty. Now they don't even bother to have him pretend to die if he runs a slow motion to the edge and goes like this and the screen goes black. The state goes black because he doesn't jump anymore because of safety concerns. But anyway, he jumps and then he ends up in the astral plane.

Now he's in the astral plane and there's giant net and a kind of he kind of climbs all over it like a spider and Mary Jane is in a cocoon behind them. For some reason, and he's like, you need to save Mary Jane, becomes Spider-Man. And Peter Parker says, okay, I'll become Spider-Man. And then then a rag and heies like, oh, Peter Parker. I thought we were, I thought we were done with you. And then so he's like, she's going to let him marry Jane go for no reason.

And then Peter Parker kisses the Ragnies. And she's like, you set me free. And then she disappears. And then she, you see her reappear as ancient Greece Arachni on her new going up to heaven. What? It was like wait what and then it's and then the veil of illusion is lifted Peter Parker and Peter Parker's has our Spider-Man has already killed Craven the Hunter.

Sure. I mean, a record killed himself with a gun. He did. But in this one, Spider-Man is apparently vanquished to the point where they need to be revived by a Rackney. Spider-Man is a murderer in this world. Yeah, well, it's like Spider-Man. So did the entire audience formed like a big line and marched all the way to the town

comics to buy handfuls of spectacular Spider-Man. There was a lot of comics. It was a lot of handfuls of spectacular spots. There was a lot of hurling of feces. It was like the ape house at the zoo. No, it was like the show was over and literally the curtain came down and people started streaming out. Like people like laughing or shouting or anything. No, I was laughing pretty hard. Because half the time I was going like,

what the fuck is happening? Why is it, why is is a wreck me here? And Yeah, so people were leaving and then the curtain came up and there was the you know the out of town robes Clevver You know in comics people are always going to the astral plane. Yeah, but I've never this was not called Dr. Strange Yeah, yeah, the play like Dr. Strange and magic and shit are always going there I'm I've never gone. Is it nice? I don't know Look it's so great that a rackney really wanted out of there, okay

There's like a shit there, dude. He's more like a phantom zone to me Yeah, wait, that's DC. Okay, so DC. This is don't cry Well, that sounds like you had a really, uh, you had a really awesome experience. Now, here's the thing is that a seven and a five year old were highly entertained. Yeah. As worthy, the, the,

the robes behind us put that on the ad you came are. I, if I had not been, if I had not been into that musical, charge our binks, right? For, uh, $300, I would not been into that musical, I'd charge our binks for $300. I would not have been there for like the first, after the first 10 minutes. The music is terrible.

There's all kinds of like weird YouTube references in the musical, like in the scene where Spider-Man, before he becomes Spider-Man, is fighting bone crusher McGraw. Yeah. He's like, that was actually the best part of the whole thing. Because they actually have a, a rink comes out with this giant inflatable man. And the guy who plays Spider-Man beats up this like bozo doll inflatable man.

That's pretty awesome. It was really great. And then, and the graphic for that was great too. But, um, uh, the point you two, music or something. Oh, yeah, I know like the, the announcer is like, he's giving them a Sunday, bloody Sunday. Oh, I was just like, why? Why him a Sunday bloody Sunday! Oh! And I was just like, why? Why did you have to throw that in? In case there any, a little wink to the YouTube fans

in the audience were, weren't like you didn't know already. And then he said in a song that was very similar to that early YouTube song, walk away. Well, I don't know. But there was a song that was very similar to that. It was lazy. Bono's lazy All right, well, let's do some fast recommendations because I don't know what time we're at again

so I'll go sure do it I Spider-Man the musical right yeah, I don't know what Lou was talking about I was I say it's fun for someone 5 to 500. Okay. Wow. I love the Yoda in your life.

We'll enjoy it. No, no, I, uh, for Christmas, I got my brother, um, best worst movie. I thought I was, I saw it on his wish list. I thought it was my duty as a co-host of a band movie podcast to be the person to give that to him. And then on New Year's Eve actually I watched that DVD with with him and those your punishment for buying it for him. Yeah, no I wanted to. I wanted to before I left. I was visiting and I wanted to see it and

You know, it's just a really enjoyable movie. It's It's about you know if you don't know it already. It's about the making of Trolto or not. Oh, it's really a documentary It's not about the making of Shulchoo so much as the kid who is in trouble to grew up To make a movie about Trolto it like you he talks about how he was trying to run away from it from so many years And they thought he realized what a great opportunity that he was in that's funny like What is now kind of like the modern Default like worst movie like that or the room or like the ones that are gone to and so He goes and he

revisits people that you know we're in the movie with him. It's mainly about the guy play the father who's like a dentist now. It's like a really jolly dentist player. Right. And and how the dentist sort of like gets a second taste of fame in now he's in this documentary film. And he goes to like, you know, like the UCB here in New York. Oh, you know, I remember when they did that screen. That's why I knew about it. And all these things, and like he's, you know, he's enjoying his cult success,

but then kind of has to go through a second, like not fall, but like sure, sure. Realizing that the deflation of his, he's just been his life as a dentist, probably many fame. But there's also like scenes with the the Italian director of Troll 2 and his wife who wrote it under pseudonym and then

realizing that it's a terrible movie and that like it's renewed popularity in America is because of it being a terrible movie. Yeah, and they don't get that. Yeah, they still think like this is now our chance to make Droll 3. Yeah.

I mean, it's a funny movie. It's a very informative movie if you have ever seen Droll 2, and it's also a movie that actually has an emotional arc and says something about human nature. So unlike Droll 2, right? Exactly. Stuart, Stewart you have any uh uh yeah I've watched a bunch of movies lately but I think the movie that kind of takes the cake isn't some kind of stupid bullshit like what you'd recommend I'm recommending a little movie called Dollman

starring Tim Thomerson as the Dollman a cop from outer space with a gun that blows people in half. That blows people's face. And the thing that's great about him, the thing that's crazy, so small, so it's really hard for the New York City goons to shoot him back. Step on him. Well, you'd think, but then he'd shoot him

with his fucking giant gun. Now, on his planet, is he regular size? Yeah, he's regular size. So it's a tiny Yeah, he's regular so it's a tiny planet or maybe regular so I said it with just tiny people Yeah, it's the earth's yellow sun that makes him small There's a lot of hilarious scenes of them trying to deal with the fact that the actor playing Dolman isn't actually only like the size of a doll So there's actually not a lot of, there's not a lot of good perspective shots or anything, but the bad guy, the lead goon, is played by Jackie Earl Haley, who is just recently come into fame. When there's all man from, it's

from the late 80s early 90s. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's like full moon production. Yeah, kind of, yeah. And there's,. And there's just a really good bit at the end where Jack Erol Haley's been had like his guts blown out by Donald Trump, it's amazing gun. And he's just got this like look of sadness in his face. Like, what have I done? Yeah, it's totally great. I highly recommend it.

I did see the news. It's like 70 minutes long. That if he shot Netflix screaming. It's screaming, screaming. I'm I'm a screaming screaming back for more please No, wait a minute if he shoots someone from his home planet with that gun with a disc Super explode. Yeah, double explodes the shit out of every blowing up regular sized people with this giant gun Yeah, tiny guy. He's like he's kind of like a dirty hairy type figure on his planet, but on our planet He's like a very small dirty hairy. He's trapped in a world. He never made what you're saying, but he's kind of a dirty hairy type figure on his planet, but on our planet, he's like a very small dirty hairy

he's trapped in a world he never made is what you're saying. But he's a fish out of water. Uh huh, and but, and it's a culture class. He's been taken out of water and placed into old timey like 80s New York where everything's like 80s New York, 30 years, look back, 30 years. You know where, you know, back when New York was an urban hellscape filled with

tunes. I was living here then and and colored tank tanks and punks with their dyed mojots. That's right. Uh-huh. And different and gangs made up of all different ethnicities. That's all the colors of the race. Right. This is that was New York. It's had so many inclusive gangs. Sure. So great movie. You're all man watch that. Yeah. Yeah. Dolman. Wow. Take it out of your take it out of Netflix. Put in your Netflix watch instantly. Q. I mean, put in my popsome red. Five seven.

All right. Boxers watch that. Yeah. I don't think my wife will let me watch the movie. But I wait till she goes to bed. Mm-hmm. Watch some pornography and then watch Dolman. Or I think I think I will go to bed. Okay. How are you going to do it?

It's your night. Watch them both at the same time. That's what I say to myself every night after she goes to bed. It's your night now. Wow. You're a big boy. Your time. This is your time, Lou.

Do what you want to do. You're an adult. It's always pornography. I would like to recommend, I always have a time recommending things because I hate things, but I would like to recommend, I don't know if you guys, do you watch the Rift Racks at all? Sure. Rift Racks and Cinematic Attentic, those are great things. I'm just gonna say that.

But I was gonna say Garth Morengi's Dark Place, have you watched that? No. Did we talk about that? The television program. Yeah, it's a television program. I haven't watched that many movies because all I get to do is watch Dora the Explorer and Go Diego Go because I have children. I don't even know what those are. They're like like Bakugan. They are like giant-eyed Mexican children who solve animal problems. like giant-eyed Mexican children who solve animal problems. That was the title of the program I would watch it. Yeah, that's what Go Dieg is good for. Garth Murengi's Dark Place is a six episode BBC series that was about a,

the premise is that the guy who wrote at Garth Murengi was a sci-fi writer, is a really into himself writer. Dean Koonstow. Yeah, and, but also Stephen King, like, mystery and sci-fi writer, is it really into himself writer? Dean Koonströngi. Yeah, and but also Stephen King, like mystery and sci-fi writer, and he wrote a show in the 80s called Garth Meringue's Dark Place, because the dark place is in his mind. And it's about a crazy hospital world, this magic and science shit happens. And he's like, you know, now the BBC is so terrible there, or unearthing my show, and it's like a documentary about the show.

So they show it. They show the show and then in the middle of it, they'll be interested. They'll be stuff talking about what was happening. Then it's all done very seriously, but it is super larry, especially because they really managed to recreate the 80s special effects. So it's all kinds of weird video happening and the magic assault super 80s effects. Oh man, there's a great thing where someone is getting angry rape by this giant alien. They just cut, they just cut, they show like this giant blurred out like dick going up this guy's like night shirt and and then they cut to the Garth Merengue He's like that actor was not pleased with this role

Just the perfect. Yeah, it's a in a stars moss who is a yeah from the IT crowd and And he also has a character who plays one of the wizards on the mighty bush He but his character just plays like a friend of mighty bush. His character just plays like a friend of Garth Marengees who gets acting in every episode. He has a scene where he shoots a shotgun like multiple times with a cigar in his mouth. It's pretty entertaining. Of course, I have no idea where you would get it if you don't steal things off the internet. So, look on the internet. Stuart, I see you crushing your core's light. I think that means the party's just Beginning the party just beginning the podcast is just ending so until next time when maybe

Maybe we'll all be back here as much as I've to lie down that severely Really, oh, Dan. I thought it went great too man Man, I Well, I mean Dan. What are you doing? Oh, man? Thanks guys, is there like a secret handshake you guys gonna teach me? You're not you haven't done enough of them to get the fun the handshake Oh, I know what I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I tell them though. I've been damn a coy. I'm steward wellington and for Elliot Kaelin. I'm Lou Fernandez. Yay Man, you're mean dude HM it's like it's like when I'm human soon-a-beats. You've been hearing this all. You know what?

The man who was in the news. Someone said to me, it was that, uh, they saw that village people, you know, the one guy has, like, the puppets and he dances with all the... Do you know what I'm talking about? Yeah. My brother saw that and was just like, he was like, is that the human centipede? Sure. Dancing in the carnival.

No, the human centipede's something completely different. Right? Significant insects here. Sure, dancing at the carnival. No, the human centipede something completely different. Right? Significantly sexier.