The Flop House - The Flop House Movie Minute #18 - Misfit Toys

Episode Date: December 22, 2008

Christmas specials under the microscope.The music you hear in this episode is Hark the Herald Angels sing, as performed by Doug Hammer on the album Noel, courtesy of feelslikechristmas.com, which provides free Christmas music for personal and nonprofit use.

And now the Flop House Movie Minute. Bearest Flop House listeners, I like many of my generation grew up associating Christmas with one thing, television specials. Even now I remember that swirling CBS special presentation logo, alerting me that I would soon be sucked into a magical world of modestly budgeted animation and questionable theology. Other than the incomparable Charlie Brown Christmas, the finest examples of these programs came from the Rankin Bath studios, where tiny models were brought to life and given the voices bold stand freeberg actors.

Recently, I revisited these programs to see if they carried the same magic I felt as a child, but sadly I found them wanting. Take Cytaclaws is coming to town. Now this is the one where Santa, played by Manchild Mickey Rooney, is given a comic book style origin story. Because a jolly man who gives away toys is only interesting to kids, he's got a back story. For instance, we are taught that he learned his distinctive laugh from listening to seals, since no one has ever laughed before without a specific inciting incident.

I, for instance, learned to laugh from Neil Simon. Thank you, Neil Simon, for making me laugh about falling in love. Again. Anyway, it turns out that the reason Santa sneaks into houses and leaves toys and stockings is that at some point the patch, the vaguely dramatic, burger-meister, myster-burger outlaws all toys, and the only way Chris Krinkle can save the children from a life without farnies by secretly delivering the toys late at night. So far, so good. In fact, rank andash should be commended for

sneaking a little thorough style civil disobedience into children's programming. Here's the problem though. Eventually the burger master from Meisterberger dies and his reign of terror ends. Yet Santa still sneaks into houses through the chimney. Clearly, St. Nick has some sort of thing for breaking and entering. But, worse yet, as of the Rudolph, the Red Nose Render special. Now, I love Rudolph and his annoying feedback producing nose as much as anyone. I love Portley Prospector Yukon Cornelius. I love the gay dental elf Hermie.

What bothers me are the so-called, misfit toys. Let's examine the supposed flaws of these misfits. One of the most famous is Charlie in the box. In his own words, my name is all wrong. No child wants to play with it Charlie in the box. First Charlie, I'm pretty sure any kid I'm used by head on a spring won't care if you're misnamed, but leaving that aside for now. If you really want to be named Jack, then go down to Toy City Hall and have your name legally changed. Or, just tell people your name is Jack. They won't know.

If a talking head in a box introduces himself to me is Jack, I'm not asking any questions. Or what about the water pistol that shoots Jelly? That's not a misfit toy. That's a toy that's been improperly used. Here's an idea, empty out the jelly, put in some water, and you fixed it. Sure, the water might taste like fruit for a while, but that'll fade. Or this closed misfit that's a bird that doesn't fly, it swims. Yeah, so what? That's what penguins do, and I don't hear them complaining. Basically, these toys are a bunch of whiners. Maybe if they got off their collective ass and did something to change their situation, instead of sequestering themselves on an island and self-identifying as misfits, they could do something with their lives.

Instead, they sit around singing their sad, sacked songs about how they'd been given these easily surmountable obstacles. And the worst, the worst one is the ragdoll. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the ragdoll. Why is she there? She just likes hanging out with the misfits because she thinks it makes her cool. She's a misfit rag-hag. And the thing that really sickens me about all this is that the complainers steal attention from the few actual misfit toys, with a spotted elephant who suffers in near silence. God how they sicken me. Merry Christmas everyone! you