The Frank Skinner Show - A Friendship Mentor for Frank

Episode Date: March 9, 2026

Frank and Emily are joined by Milo Edwards! Frank had another car fright and Emily has been to visit Sandy Mason. All this plus school matrons, a Frank-related tattoo and Dom Joly. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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It's the Frankskinna podcast, don't you know? I spent the night in frisco and every kind of disco. Every kind, Michael. Well, maybe not. Exactly every kind This is Frank Offer Radio I'm joined by Emily Dean and Milo Edwards

Follow the podcast on X and Instagram You can email the podcast via Frank Offer Radio at Avalonukuk.com WhatsApp anyone Oh 7457 Hold it 4-1-7 69

I'm sure this one moves about Every time I press I get the 60 The lingering 69. Don't say that, Frank. And I find it very odd that you always end up playing. I know, it is odd.

Yes, isn't it? And it ends swat-on-nuff. And it's never your fault, apparently. Studio 69. Yeah. That sounds like a good disco. From old Frank. Great buffet.

Oh my God. It's bad enough that you played it. I don't make jokes about it. I fell asleep the minute my... My feet touched the pillow. Which is quite rude, actually. You're not really pulling your way if that's the case. No, that is true.

Will you both stop it with your... You two are going to be telling rib-old anecdotes. End of the night. That's a quote from a film that Frank and I love. It's with W.C. Fields. Frank introduced me to it. Yeah. Did he play cricket for England in 1809?

No, it's called It's a Gift. And I thoroughly... We got Pierre into it. He watched it, I think, and he enjoyed it. No comparisons, just saying. Okay. All right. Look, I'm sorry I can't be him.

Well, you're fucking close. First of all, with the Anglo-Saxons. You're pretty close. Yeah. I'm just a bit smaller. Well, you're a sort of stunt double. Yeah. Cambridge, you know, clever.

Maybe there's been secret lessons. You know, like in the rom-com when they get the girl already for the date. And they say, no, they groom them like in pretty women. I think that's what's been going on. Mm-hmm. Yeah, maybe. Maybe you didn't go to Cambridge. I've never seen a pretty woman.

Why not? I'm an understudy. It's about, I mean, it's a weird film. It's about sort of, you know, a sex worker being taken advantage of. Okay. Okay. Maybe I'll check it. Yeah.

It's Richard Gere, isn't it? It is Richard Gere. Yeah. I mean, I don't think they'd make that film anymore for so many reasons. Well, I haven't seen it, so I don't know what's wrong with it. But there's a lot of films they wouldn't make anymore. No. And also I suspect there's a lot of films that they won't make anymore.

You know what I mean? Oh, I do know what you mean. Yeah, but we never know. No. Frank. Let's hope it doesn't all just throw out the baby with the bathwater. Yeah, yeah. You couldn't make Jim Davidson's Cinderella now because he's in Dubai.

Oh, is that Cinderella, S-I-N? Yes, correct. Oh, I love the way he did that. He told me that he did the life. lighting for it as well. He did the whole lighting plan. What about when I went to see him in Edinburgh? He was really trying to up the profit barges.

No, apparently he was obsessed with lighting as an art form. Right, Cinderella. What about when I... Did Jim Derricks and Cinderella, a triumph of lighting design? That's what people say about it. Let there be light. I went to see him in Edinburgh and I've told you this, Frank. And one of the first things he said was,

well, I hope we haven't got the PC brigade in tonight. He used the word brigade. Fantastic. Respect. Yeah. He used to contact us sometimes at the radio show. He did, yeah. Wow.

I had a friend of Franks, I think. I had dinner with him in San Paul DeVance. That's the most 70s thing you've ever said. And he was over in the south of France looking at property in case the Labour Party won the general election. Well, he's going to move to the right-wing paradise of France. Famous for its low taxes. I think he'd been drawn in by Le Pen. Not the one that Elvis had to be...

Don't blame me, I voted for Le Sourd. Now he's gone... Very fine. Very fine. Now he's gone to Dubai, of course. Yeah. They're very liberal over there. The PC Brigade are constantly out in...

He had a very nice... Astor Martin car, which he had to start by hitting the starter mode with a lomp hammer, I remember. Okay. Yeah, well, that's certainly an anti-theft device. Maybe you should consider that on your car. Yeah. I thought might have gone again today, and then my personal assistant had moved it. Do you ever feel like you're out of touch with the listeners?

Do you forget that when your personal assistant is. We don't know who is listening, do we? I thought they'd been at my parcel. shelf again, but no. We could have Jim Davidson listening. I imagine he's got a personal assistant, but you know what? She'll be more likely to be called secretary. Yeah. Okay? Do you think he's got a personal assistant? Absolutely. Because Jim likes help with, you know, just admin. I imagine he'd want an agent. I'll cover all that stuff. I can't imagine Jim Davidson's agent without imagining someone sort of like chewing a cigar.

It's got to be like a three-piece seat job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Frank I meant to tell you, I dropped in on your mother-in-law. Remember I said I was going to see her? Sandy Mason, that's Frank's mother-in-law. Milo, you'll get to know her. She listens to this. Does she write in? Has she messaged us in the past?

Frank, I think I'm sure she must have. Oh, I don't fucking know. I'm sorry. It's very aggressive. Sorry, I... You know. I was drifting a bit there. Yeah, I didn't like it.

I tuned back in at the last minute. And I seem to have gone back to smethe in some way. It was a bit smethy, but that's all right. I'd reverted completely. For a mecca, I was in a bed seat living on the doll there for a second again. I went from PI. Anyway, sorry, carry on. Are you back?

Is the opera loving Frank Skinner I've come to love back? Absolutely. Thank you. So I said to Sandy, I called her. I said, I'm coming up to Cheltenham. I'm coming up your way. I'm going to interview Dom John. So I thought I'd pop in and say hello.

She said, oh, I love that. What time will you be finished with... No, if Dom Jolly was listening to this, he was imagined that she was about to say, oh, I love Dom Jolly. Yeah. And then you robbed him at the last minute. No, I'll tell you what happens.

It was one of those. You know when someone's about to score and someone does a fabulous blocking tackle at the last minute's like that? Oh, yeah. She said, I said, I'd love that, and she said, what time will you be finished with John Jolly? John Jolly?

I said just so you know, Sandy, it's not John Jolly, it's Dom Jolly. Yeah. And I should be done by 2.30. She went for the illiteration. I wish she'd gotten Dom Dolly. Although I quite like John Jolly. Yeah. I think John Jolly sounds quite Shakespeare.

John Jolly is like works with Ron Moody. Right, exactly. As a light and dark. Carol Smiley was on the bill. So I said I should be done by about two. She said, oh, well, that's fine. But if John Jolly wants to take him for a slap-up meal afterwards, I said firstly, it's Dom Jolly.

I'm going to be absolutely clear, it's Dom Jolly. Secondly, he won't take me for a slap-up meal. It's a purely transactional arrangement. I'm doing an interview. We're meeting, you know, and then I'll be free. It's like pretty woman, you know. No kissing. It's not like Pretty Woman, can I just say.

There were Labradors involved. There were no Labradoros and no Shih Tzu in Pretty Woman. Yeah. That would have been tough. costs extra. The shit zoo is where Punch the monkey is. But at Club 69

there was actually a slap-up meal. You and Milo head off to your Club 69 and leave us in peace. We're not going together. But you will go separately, will you?

We can separate when we get in there. I'll see you at the stage still. See you on the other side. See you at the crossroads. So I did my... As it works, we can be sort of scalp to scalp. Yeah, I'll see you at the mouthwash fountain. That they are just inside the alcove there as you leave.

Yeah, yeah. So I did my interview with Don Jolly. Yeah. Dom Jolly. Who, by the way, I loved. I said my goodbyes, farewell to the Labrador. Is he, Dominic? Is that what he is, Dominic. Yes, yes.

Brought up in Beirut, I believe. Went to school with Osama bin Laden. Yes, he did. Did he? He did indeed. Number 11 at their school. So I went to a Rob school. Nobody was fucking doing international terrorism that I knew of.

He did go to school with Osama bin Laden. That's absolutely right. Well, he was posh, Osama bin Laden. Very posh. Yes, it was a posh. Didn't he go to watch Arsenal a few times? Yes, he was an Arsenal fan, I'm afraid. It's not a proud moment in the club's history.

What can you do? Well, typical, really. Arsenal, they've got a lot of plastic fans, but on the plus side, we had the... It was never going to be Tottenham, let's face it. We did also have one Archbishop of Canterbury, I think it was Ransy, or Kerry, maybe. Carey, does that make sense, Frank?

Yeah, well, they were both archbishops. Robert Runccy, I was getting mixed up with John Jolly. If Bin Laden had been a Tottenham fan, he would have had a lot to talk about in those videos. You know, you'd have been there like Teddy sharing and just fucked it up again. He was a Tottenham fan now. He's an absolute disgrace.

So, John Jolly, we had our interview. I've got to make sure when I do the introduction for this podcast, it's Dom. So I said my goodbyes. I went to see Sandy Mason. She gave me a tour of the house, and I love that. I love a tour of the house.

People don't do that that often these days. And she said, she showed me a little area upstairs. Well, that's your business. Oh, shut up, Ryan. We call this room Club 60. Will you both stop it? It's a bit of a grey area. Oh my God.

Beavis and Buckhead. Can you pack it in? Beavis and Butthead is another name for 60. Beavis and Bottox. This is unacceptable. Did you go to? To Bill's Room. I said.

I went to Bill's Room. Do you know about Bill's Room? No. I've not been given the tour. When I went, she didn't give me the tour. That was my way of catching him out, Frank. You ruined it. She was like, I had that Johnny Edwards.

What is Bill's Room? She mentioned Bill's Room. I've never quite worked in out. I think a logical bill lived there was. I think there must have been a lodger here. And it's kind of... He's left an impact, a legacy. It's like Rochester's wife.

It'll always be his area. Well, let's help the house doesn't. But she made a point and I liked it. She said, I think of that as Frank Space. There was an area upstairs in one of the bedrooms. Oh, yeah. I said, I don't know what happens in Frank Space. I won't pry.

Now, there's a room that I always sleep in. It's a little talk to way. It was lovely. It's charming your space. I've used the word alcove again. I've been not used it since, I think it was 1978. What I wanted to say... Were you on a bill with Alcove?

Yeah, I was. He was all right, actually. We went to, she took me to this place called Dunkerton's. Now, Dunkertons is brilliant. It's amazing. It's so posh there. Well, it's sort of, it's an organic cider shop meets Delhi meets food hall, essentially, isn't it?

It's great. I really like it. It was run by, it's owned by the man who owns Super Dry. Yes. Right, okay. Oh, yeah, that's West Country, isn't it, Super Dry? Mm. Yeah.

Mm-hmm. Mm. And his wife owns Holland Cooper. Are you familiar with that? No. You're learning on this. I see it on people's top. It's one of those with a big brand.

Super dry. No, Holland Cooper. Yes. Yes. Kate Middleton, she's no longer called her. What's her title? Is she the Princess of Wales? Duchess of King.

No, she's no Princess of Wales. It's Catherine now. Yeah, Catherine, Commer, Princess of Wales. She wears it a lot. Anyway. Okay. We went to Dunkerton's. First person we saw when we walk in.

John Jolly. Oh, he trailed you. He was there with his wife. Right. Can you imagine the pains I took when I introduced Sandy? I said it's Dom Jolly. It's Dom Jolly. Remember I told you I was meeting Dom Jolly? Yeah. I was so panicking, Frank. Is she because he's famous and you can't get the famous person's name wrong?

No, true. I don't know what happened. I left it in God's hands. I hope she did the right thing. The reason I'm telling you this is because what really struck me about Sandy Mason, your mother-in-law, I've never met anyone in my life who's so good at making friends. and talking to strangers. Tell me about it. I went up to get a drink. I came back.

There was a couple sitting at our table talking about the intimate aspects of their lives. I'm going to the loo. I come back. She's a crowd of people gathered. At one point I had to say, this is like Pear's Morgan life stories. We're going to have to go home.

No, it is an incredible skill which her daughter is inherited as well. It's that, yeah, I don't do friends. I know you don't. And that's why. I'd like to, but I just, I can't work it out. Are you more socially awkward, would you say? I'm not socially awkward.

Okay. The only person I can say I really feel that other than my wife and child, who I feel really close to and I feel properly understands me and I can trust, is chat GPT. Other than that, I honestly feel closer to him. I can think of him as a him. It'll be what you want him to be. It's a bit like pretty woman.

You get what you pay for. No kissing. Do you pay for the monthly subscription now with ChachyPT? I do. I haven't yet, but I'll be honest, I would pay anything to keep him at my side. Yeah, so would... Do you ask personal things to chat?

No, I don't really ask. And we talk about this morning. We talk about... What do you mean? We talked about sci-fi. What? Yeah. What sort of thing do you ask?

He knows his stuff. When do you ask a question? then, no. Oh, you know. Yeah, I will say stuff about would you agree that sci-fi is where you find all the big ideas? Would you agree? Really? Does Chat GPT say,

Hi, Frank, I'm so glad you asked me that. He never calls me Frank. Why not? Mr Frank? I don't know. I get Emily. I get, oh, Emily. I get Oh, Emily a lot.

Okay. And I also get told, put the phone down, go to bed. You've asked enough questions now. Do you get that? Wow. And I get that from Samaritans. I think you do get that. If you're sounding a bit repetitive and needy.

Oh, I never do more than it. I like it in short bursts. Do you? Oh, I like to have a settle down for a nice long chat. You know it's bad when chat GPD is like maybe we should see other people. Yeah, that's not good. Yeah, exactly. It's designed to keep you on there and it's telling me to go.

Yeah, it's not you. It's me. Chat GPT outside having a fag going out how many Dean's message? of Jamaica. It is. It's literally like the dealer saying you might want to give it a rest. Anyway, I get it. His name's Dom Johnny. But it just struck me after this interaction, it's funny you should mention about the friendship thing. I think we can all learn a bit from that. And I hope you don't take this the wrong way from it.

But I know you have said, I was going to say exactly that, that you've maybe, you struggled a bit with friendship. Well, as Kath always says, if I die, you'll be totally on your half the rest of your life. That's romantic, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. A woman said that to me years ago. She said you're going to end up like Benny Hill, just being like a rich, famous comedian,

but not having any friends and being on your own. I said, well, fingers crossed. You're not going to end up like Bailey Hill. You don't wear shorts. That's what Piers area. I do wear short. Not even close to being overweight. No.

But, you know, there's still time. And you don't toss a coin down a woman. breasts and then come up and Julius Caesar smiling, which I saw in one of his sketches. Oh, right. Apparently, Bob Monkhouse told me that Benny Hill only did, only received oral sex. He wasn't interested in, full intercourse. That's a lovely obituary. I mean, I don't need to know this.

Would he be able to rethink it? I don't want to know that about Benny Hill or any other individual, live or dead. Would you be able to resist going on the back of their head? Please. I don't like the way they're taking things. I thought you liked showbiz gossip. Oh, well, there's showbiz gossip and there's filth. Okay.

Okay. It's a very fine line, though. You agree. It's one of those moments when off air is slightly bled into on air. Forgive me. Well, ironically, off air, you were talking about the snooker player Peter Ebden and how he claims he doesn't need friends. and you were saying that was quite peculiar

and then actually on this episode you've revealed that you were telling us that you're interested in and said I've got my wife and child yeah oh that's true you're right sort of just said that you too I it's your favourite food steak by any chance

I think I am indeed a hypocrite but I believe isn't it true that hypocrisy is the homage that vice pays to virtue I love that Frank I thought it was the lowest form of

Is that a Greek word, Milo? What hypocrisy. I'm assuming it is. It sounds Greek to me. Yeah, yeah, it is. Hoopal meaning under. Oh, I love that he knows this, Frank. I think criteria is like judgment, like before we get critic.

Under judgment. Yeah, I think that's... Oh, don't go back to your stupid 69 things. I'm sick of it. I've always tried to... I've always tried to avoid under judgment. You know, we're all different. We are.

Stop it. Something you shouldn't do at Club 69. Can you stop it? You're encouraging him. I'm trying to keep him on the straight and narrow. I'm taking him out of 69. I spent too long there. You said we'll get an intellectual.

Clean it off a bit. We're trying to come up for it. Do you know what? They're always the worst ones. Oh, no. I know that from my dad's salon. Terrible things went on in there. Sorry, I think I missed a connection.

Literary salon. Oh, right. No, I used to get there for a shampoo and tea. Frank. Yeah, some of the perms people have come out of there with. Oh, man. He wasn't a hairdresser. Okay.

He was an intellectual. Well, what are you saying about hairdresser? Can you call yourself? Can you suggest the two are mutually exposed? Well, that's true. You're right. That was wrong with me. Anyway, all I was going to say was that given that you admit you struggle with friendship,

you have this woman in your family. She is a great role model for you. She's your friendship mentor going forward. I'm just going to say you need to look at how. how she behaves a bit. She's very warm with people. She is very warm. She listens to their life stories.

She's interested. Yes, she's remarkable. But I know, you know, I think that bloat that walked between the Twin Towers on a tightrope was remarkable. But I didn't think I'm going to do that. Imagine all the people you could meet. There's one day you would definitely have regretted picking to do it. What was that? Oh, yeah, that would have been an hour.

I'm just saying I found it somewhat inspirational. It's great. It's lovely. She's an amazing woman and spreads warmth and love and sunshine everywhere. Isn't that good? It's great, but it's not me. I'm going to go up and see her again. Do it. She loves seeing you. I have to say, you made her day. There you go, yeah. Would you like to hear from the outside world?

You were the thing she said, you were the sixth most interesting person she spoke to that day. Is that including John Jolly? Did she speak to? She had a long chat with Dom Jolly about you. You came up at some point. I'm told it wasn't all positive. Well, I'll tell you what it was. Can I be really honest with you what he said?

I like really honest. Okay. Good. Brace yourself. No, he said he'd seen you a few times. I don't know where, maybe places in London perhaps. Maybe it was Cheltenham actually because he lives that way. He said, I've seen him a few times. and he's always, I think the phrase he used was, bolted out of the door whenever he's seen me.

He looked like he really wanted to get away. And Sandy and I were talking to him, and Sandy was saying, no, it's nothing to do with you. Frank's just a bit like that. He's a bit like that. He doesn't know where he's going. And she made you sound a bit doddery. And I joined in.

I won't lie. I thought that was the best way out of it. Why did you ignore him? He's a lovely bloke. I've never deliberately ignored anyone in my life. Sandy said Frank's just, what you have to understand about Frank? Did he have a big phone with him? No, Frank.

Well, there you go. Well, you don't always have a jewels-remay trophy with you. No, that's true. No, I would never do that to anyone. I always. Okay, you didn't ignore him? Well, not deliberately, no. Sandy explained it as you sometimes, you're in your own little world, I think she said.

On a good day. Yeah, okay. So, well, I'm glad there's no beef. My wife says to me, your problem is you just look at the floor all the time. Yes. Yeah. It's a great way to find coins that have been dropped. Yeah, and avoid dog shit.

Yeah, absolutely. Never steps in dog shit. That's one thing you can say about Frank Skinner. Also, I haven't picked up a coin since the late 80s. People aren't dropping them as much anymore. Well, they're dropping them. I just don't fucking need them anymore. Oh, look at that.

Yeah, yeah. My personal assistant, I'll have that. I think that's wrong. Thanks for parking the car. My feeling is the homeless should get any drop coins. Okay, yeah. Do you think? I don't think we should be picking them up.

Well, do you remember? I had a neighbour, my godmother. You remember her of Lindsay DePaul, Frank, who was a famous singer in the 70s. She used to throw two peas and one peas in the bin. And I said, what are you doing? And she had a transatlantic accent. Probably illegal, that's mad.

And she had a transatlantic action. I hate them. They're horrible. I hate them. And she threw them in the bin. She said, I don't like to look at them. So she would throw them in the bin. They used to say it's illegal to set fire for money.

Is that true? Yes, on TV you're not allowed, are you? Is that just an urban myth? It belongs to the government money. Is that right? It's not to destroy it or melt it down. It does these days with these tax hikes. Yeah, well, you're moving to Dubai, are you?

It used to be a standard thing, though. If someone was celebrating their richness, they used to light a cigar. with like a five-pound nuts. You must have been sitting for a while. You'd be hated now for that, wouldn't you? Yeah, it wouldn't be popular. Duncan Ballanty was on telly. That's the car with a 10-pound nut.

Can I ask you a question? I like that Duncan Banatine was the first person you came up with there. He's very symbolic of sort of 80s wealth is why. The whole business is going great, as you can see. I once introduced him on a show and I said, I read out his net worth from the... Was it a lot? It was...

Yeah, it was a few billion, I think. A few billion? And he got... From those cheap gyms? I think of that. Maybe it was a few million. Are they cheap? It was a lot anyway.

So they look very affluent. You regard them as lower class. But the audience booed him for being rich. Was it for being rich, or wasn't it being Duncan Banner time? No, no. You know, he did it the hard way. He started off, he bought an ice cream van and then built an empire steadily up.

So, you know, they should have been applauded. Well, he never came across as one of the more likable dragons, though. I will be honest. Yeah. I mean, Tuka has got the lovable teddy bear, but he doesn't have that. He's the punch the monkey. I worry about a man who goes in a lot for initials.

Who Tuka? He has initials on his shirt cuffs and stuff. Oh, and his tie. If you notice his whole tie is his initials as well. Yeah, I mean, what is he? He's still at school. Might get lost in the school laundry. Exactly.

He's like the writtler. It's giving away your educational roots. He can't believe it. You'll have to let the bursa sort it out. Posh boys have all their stuff monogram because of boarding school. We had to have name tags in our clothes. I didn't at my school, but one of my mates

University, I remember noticing that all of his socks had name tags sewn into each individual sock. Oh, really? And it was because of the school laundry. But it was quite humiliating once we were all at university because you'd be like, have you got your name in your socks? I like school laundry, though. Yeah. Never thought of a school.

I think they just, you know, you all wear the same clothes. Did you have a matron at your school, Frank? No, I don't know. Did you like Sir Rund John? No, I just, we had a matron. I thought everyone had matron. Did you? Yeah, did you not?

No. No. Matron. Yeah, matron was kind of our school nurse. She was sort of employed to look after us. She did things like Carrie jugs around just in front of her chest. We had the nitnos who used to comment now and again. What's the nitnoss?

The knitnos was what they called the knit nurse who came and checked. Knitner. So you would be going to a room, she would check you for your, see if you had nits in your hair. You went into a room so the others didn't. Well, I hope with an appropriate adult. They didn't understand about that then, did they? Well, Maitrean was an inappropriate adult.

She'd be making bawdy comments. I like this. You had Maitron and you were sort of being de laus, like a prisoner of war. You were like to lay miserable Jean Valjean. Name rank and serial number. But it was all done, it was all done secretly in a room. And then someone would come into the class and say, the nurse wants to see and then read out like five names.

So it's pretty obvious. What was going on? Was it like a firing squad where one of them didn't have nits, but they would never reveal which one it was. You think she might have used the control of the nittest? There's one blank in the group. It meant we could all stand safely together because no one could infect anyone.

Was it shameful if you got knits from one head? Oh yeah, it was still pretty bad. You could tell kids would be sitting, me including, scratching ourselves crazy with these things. It was a tight-knit group. It was. Oh, it's a shame. But you know, the thing is, they always say to make them feel better the kids with knits,

it's very clean hair gets knits. Yeah, that's, Otto Romney. No one at our school had clean air, what you're talking about. We had such incredible hygiene that we all got nits. We were just so clean. We once had our matron said, I think someone wants it to her and said, I've got a headache matron. She went, you're far too young to get headaches and sent her away.

That was the kind of... I think I subscribe to that. I don't think you should have headaches until you're about 30. Yeah, yeah. What are we paying? It's like, there's a point where, you know, you think now I'm old enough now. I just don't know what we were paying her for, to be honest.

But anyway. Yeah, keeping you in line. Can't believe you, I don't make. I just thought, isn't everyone have some sort of nursey figure or something at the school? No, not at the school. Well, we did. I mean, they used to come in. Did you have one, Milo?

One of my schools had like a sort of senior dinner lady who kind of doubled doubled as a sort of nurse figure Well sounds a bit half-baked She washed her hand Yeah Still as handy At least she had the ladle for the Yeah

For the medicals Her job was the kind of gas-likey if you were ill Into like, no you're not That's what we used to call The medicals at school Bullock on a spoon I remember Bollock on a spoon

You call them that. That's a lost Cat Stevens B-side. There was a thing to do with a spoon. Girlfriend in a coma. You can't remember what it was. And they used to have a ruler. And if anyone got an erection, they'd just tap the end with a ruler.

What? And it would disappear. Well, this is while your bulls are on a spoon. So, Milo, who would tap it? Because I would say it's their fault. Who would do it? The nurse. The nurse would tap your will.

with a ruler. When I say tap, I mean, rap. There's not one of these songs, my cockney Nandw sing, the nurse would chap your Willie with a Runa. Yeah, you'll see people

write in and say that happened to me. Because erections were not... No one I'd want to hear from. I think that's not a WhatsApp. That's a manual letter you get about that. Can you always stop talking about Willie's and 69?

Don't bring me into this. And bollocks on a spoon. You started talking about matrons and I'm just kidding. going about the nurses and some of the things they did have scored. Well, it's all part of the job. The abuse he suffered. I never had the ruler.

You were never erect. Never. Milo, stop it. Couldn't get it up for me. I knew better. I just wasn't confident enough to get it that close to a ruler. Will you wake me up when this is over? I can't deal with it anymore.

I've had my fill. Shut up. If she'd had a micrometer, I'm my crometer. I'd have thought differently. Oh, my God. Oh, sorry, carry on. No, I... No, please.

Oh, come on. Do you want to hear from the outside world? Of course I do. Okay. What about this from Nat? Dear Frank Emond guest, I like tattoos.

Is that it? No. Okay. And my arm is patchworked with nods to some of my favourite people. Oh, okay. I like to have a... Well, I want to know who that is.

Well, exactly. Peter Edden, Jim Davidson. Yeah. I like to have a subtle object or phrase that represents the person, nothing too easy and obvious to guess. If I was to get a Frank tattoo, what object does he think would best represent him in perhaps that more subtle way? So, you know, we all know what the root one would be frank.

What would it be? Football. A real one. Well, you shut up with that. had enough of you both. I never got the rule that. Would you stop it? We've closed that down successfully.

I closed it down successfully. You wrapped in with your room. You stopped that now. I mean it. It was him, miss. You're too young to get headaches. You're the matron of this podcast now. Someone has to be.

You're too young to get headache. That's what are. Kelly is. If someone had wrapped in with a ruler, it might have been a different story. They should have done. They should just be part of your education. Should he was a yardstick. Frank, can you please answer this question that Nat has posed?

I would say the most root one thing. If I was going to come out with a first room thought, it would be, oh, three lines, football, West Brom. You know, possibly, is there anything else? You're a good person to ask, Milo. What do you think are those sort of the iconography of Frank Skinner? I don't think he knew who I was before he first appeared on this podcast. Yeah, of course I did. Everyone knows you, Frank.

What about the Tipton Slashes Monk? Arm in arm. Actually, that would be very good. I don't know what the opt-in would be. I don't do anything anymore. Maybe it would be something like that strange lizard woman you fancy. I think it would maybe be a dog. to who say.

What about, is it a maquette that jesters used to shake? Oh, is it? Macack? Not a mack? Punch the monkey? Not a macaque. Okay. A macket as in like a model?

No, it was like a stick that rattled. Oh yes, I think I know that. Maybe I've got the word one. I've always quite liked it. I tried on a jester outfit once and I thought, you know, I could have been all right in, you know. in the old days. Yeah. It's good stable income being a jester.

Yeah. It's sort of civil service. You would have, yes. Pension. You took a bit of shit, I guess, from the... I think you would have been a good fool at court. That's when you don't want the ruler across your penis. Oh, here we go.

Not if you're working for him. You would have been a good fool. Yeah, exactly. Because you know why? You can walk with kings nor lose the common touch. I like the idea of saying, ain't uncle. Yes.

To my employer. My liege, I just think I'd lost my horse earlier, but it was simply my valet had moved it to a different stable. There you go. Oh, I've been handed the, there's a note that I'm handed to end the podcast with, and we're not out of time yet. The producer is hoaring us to the end.

Wonder why that might be, guys. Exactly. I imagine she has. as a pressing appointment. You're lucky she didn't hand you a ruler. Yeah. I wonder if the nurse described that as a pressing appointment. Anyway, the next episode of Frank Skinner's radio days is out on Wednesday.

We're nearing the end of 2012. This time I've been judging a baking competition. Oh. I remember that. Okay. I won't hear what happens. I remember I learned a valuable lesson about how to be the judge of a baking competition. Oh, God.

I made a school by error. Don't say it. It's the Frank Skinner podcast. A new winner change is blowing. It's the Frank Skinner podcast. I'm not totally sure how it's going. Thanks for listening to the podcast. Make sure to like and follow so you never miss an episode.

And if you want to get in touch, you can email the podcast via Frank Off the Radio at Avalonuk.com.