The Frank Skinner Show - A-puzzling

Episode Date: September 19, 2025

Frank has been baffled by a BBC News headline and had an unbelievable black cab journey. Emily has been to see The Producers and there's correspondence about a Black Country phrase. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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shop or in the Reveewe app your appell service online bestel, in market abholing. It's Frank off the radio

featuring him and that posh ladyo And the one with the French name From South Africa came They're all here open brackets to rain Close brackets today That's for the Trump visit This is Frank off the radio He's probably gone back by the time this goes out.

Yeah. This is Frank Off the Radio. I'm joined by Emily Dean and Pia Novelli. Follow the podcast on X and Instagram. You can email the podcast via Frank Offder Radio at Avalonuk.com. And you can WhatsApp us. Now, I'll play this and I'll tell you a little story. Okay.

Oh, seven, four, five, seven, four one, seven, seven, seven, six, nine. Four, seven, four, five, seven. Yeah, now that was done by Steve Clark. Right. And me and Pierre just met Steve Clark in Spiritland. He came over to us. Yeah? Yeah.

And he's filming locally. So he didn't do a pilgrimage especially for you? What have you blowing? I've just killed a ladybird. I want to fess up. It landed on my nose. I know it's the one insect we're not supposed to kill. That was the strangest thing.

It didn't land on your nose. It emerged from your nose. It looked like a magic trick where people sort of blow their hand until either coin is there. Oh, it's like when a cockroach comes out of a corpse is nostril. It was a bit like that. That was extraordinary. I feel bad about killing anything,

so I'd be out of it. But, you know, you're going to make an anomaly. It's because you've been sniffing all those flowers along the way. Yeah, exactly. That's how it got up there. Lady Bird, Lady Bird, Fly, Half killed you. So anyway, we met Steve. He came over to.

to say hello. It wasn't a pilgrimage exclusively. No, no, he's filming up the road. Oh, he's films? I said, what do you do, Steve? What are you doing? How do you do it? Yeah.

As a seven-year-old, what's asked my dad. Filming could mean a lot of things. Yeah. But he's a boom operator. Oh, he's proper. Boom operator. Did you sing that too? Do you think that's how the crew of the Annola Gay

described their job when they was asked at parties? I don't think they were coast-to-coaster-le-Later Chicago. I think we know that. So was he nice then? Well, we have to say he was. He's here. Well, he seemed nice, though. Very nice.

I like your floral shirt today, Frank. Thank you very much. It's a bit QI. I'm going on. What do you mean? I'm going on to something else. Are you allowed to say what it is? We don't know.

Yeah, it's a sort of English national opera event. Not an opera as such. Will you be singing? No, I'm going. going to do the William Tell Overture on my fingers and thoms. Here goes. It's pretty good.

Imagine the crowd. And then I'll set points out to the orchestra that I learnt that off by heart. Thank you very much. So here's the thing. Go on. I was looking at the BBC news website, right? and I saw a headline which really set me a puzzling a hyphen between A and puzzling.

I made a note of it so I don't get it wrong. It said, Tilda Swinton card con artist arrested. Tilda Swinton, con artist arrested. It sounds like a cryptic crosswork. Yes, yeah. And I thought, wow, what? It's got on there. Tilda Swinton.

I know there's people, I'm going, who the fuck? Tilda Swinton. Frank, they're not people saying that. Okay. No, anyway, she's a famous actress. She's a sort of, I associate her with quite art house project. Yes.

I always said she'd be the best Doctor Who ever. Yes. She was also in, I think she was in We Need to Talk about Kevin as well. Yes, she was in Orlando. And most importantly, she was in Doctor Strange. Yes. She's like a more sort of art house version of Cape Blanchet. Anyway, back to Franken's studio.

But I thought, what kind of a con? What is a Tilda Swinton Khan? Is it a sort of a... Did somebody say there was a get rich quick scheme to back an avant-garde theatre production in a disused abattoir in Swansea? Oh, no, excuse me. This is free money, basically.

Frank, I've had one of those Tilda Swinton's scam texts again. Can you please send your bank account, D. Teldra's been on the line again about my car accident. Maybe Swinton... Is it Swinton insurance? That's not involved with that. That's not the dog, is it? It's just a merger between...

What's the dog one, Frank? We're not allowed to mention, maybe we... Yeah, no. We can't advertise people that aren't paying. There was that merger between Tilda Rice and Swinton Insurance. Yeah, exactly. Exactly, because the most common form of food poison is from warmed-up rice. So they had to open a proper insurance company just for that.

You're absolutely right. I mean, I just cannot imagine her being associated with any form. What else? The Trevor Nunn's scam. It's absolutely absurd. You've got a bunch of French urchins. It's not saying that she, I'm not suggesting for a second, that Tilda. No.

It would get involved. There would have been a comma, Tilda Swinton, con artist, arrested. The idea that someone was invoking her name in any way in order to con someone. But would we assume, what do we think it was? Well, I looked into it. And can I tell you, it turned out to be one of my senior moments. Oh, God, how embarrassing? Because when I started reading it a bit more carefully,

it said Tinder Swindler, con man arrested. But I swear I read it as Tilda Swinton. Tinder Swindler. Oh, God, Frank. It's because you know what, you don't know. It meant that I had like two minutes in my life when I absolutely was racking my brains to see what the Tilda Swinton had got dragged into.

It also feels to me unlikely that she would be conned because I've always, maybe I'm sort of... No, I don't know. I project onto her a kind of intelligence. Oh, yeah. And intelligence and also sort of, you know, when they say fierce intelligence, I'd be a bit frightened to go up to her to do and say hello. She was a good suggestion for someone who could play Bowie.

Yes. In a biopic. I just think it's not your world, the Tinder Swindler. No, no. The world of the Tinder Swindler. Anyway, it was a... Stay in your art house lane. You know, sometimes it's possible to...

I've had something to me before when you just look... You know, when you look at... something and just read, your brain is telling you what it says even though it doesn't. So if you read Jam Jarmu Jamish, you just read Jim Jarmush immediately. Switch it to a distinguished director of Arhouse film. Exactly. I can't see

low culture. It doesn't get in your eyes. I can't get past it. The Tinder Swindler was a fabulous documentary. Tim Peek. All I can see was Twin Peaks. You could have really enjoyed that one. It's not really you. I won't lie. What's that? Tinder Swindler. It was an amazing documentary.

Did you see it? No. I, um, no. Does it, oh, is it a big story? He's a man and he's called the Tinder Swindler. He's a man with a plan. Yeah. And he'll take your money if he can.

Elbe had a plan, the Tinder Swindler. Yeah, I don't really want, I don't like those programs. Kath likes, what's it called? What do you mean I don't like? Is it catfishing? Is that what it's called? She likes all those sorts. No, she likes Connard Fish.

I didn't say, I'm not saying anything. but she likes scone artists in documentary fall. No, fair enough. Okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Frank, may I draw your attention to some correspondence we've had? We, now, I feel a bit uncomfortable about this because it involves swearing. I can ask you a question.

I did wonder, having made this mistake, do you think I could become one of these YouTube sensations if I call myself Judge Grinder? And just talks about, people just. sent me in about incidents that Grinder had led them into. Miss Haps. Yeah. I think it would do big numbers. I do.

I don't know if it'd be seen that I was, maybe, it was cultural appropriation on my part. Oh, I see because you're getting involved in the Grindr community. With the gate, yeah. But to be honest, if, you know, if I ended up like Mr. Beast, I'd be prepared to convert. Also, I think... You could claim impartiality. Yeah, but I don't think that's popular nowadays. And you're not shy of a flamboyant shirt, and I love that about you.

No, exactly. May I draw your attention, as I say, to a bit of correspondence we've had from the outside world. I'm a little nervous about sharing this, because it does involve a swear word. Okay. So are we okay to accept that I'm quoting this? Look away now. Okay. Doesn't really work on a podcast.

Any children listening or any Tinder swindlers, who might be sensitive. This is from CAF. Okay. Who says, Dear Frank Emily and Pierre, growing up in Wolverhampton some 60 odd years ago, oh, nice friend for you, Frank. If you asked what's for tea, the response from our mum and dad, mom it says, oh yeah, that's a Birmingham thing, I'll like that, can you? The response from our mom and dad would always be, sorry. Can I say, when I wrote my autobiography, I spelled mom, M-O-M through that,

because that's what we said, Mom. And Fat Boy Slim, phoned me up and said, did you grow up? up in America? I thought, what kind of a question is? That was the first thing he said to me on the phone. I can't imagine Fat Boy Slim being such a strict grammarian. Oh, no, exactly. The fact that he went to the trouble of phoning you up expressly to try you on that.

The fact that his name is in itself a contradiction. Fat boy is two words. Go on, carry on. He just calls himself a Zemphic now, because that is, fat boy becomes slim. Yeah. Anyway. Can we not, so we're not suggesting his honour as MP?

No. Not that anyone thinks it's about me. We actually love fat boy slim, but I just, I don't, I take issue with him calling Frank to correct it. The response from our mum and dad would always be,

if you ask what's for tea, a little dog's cock and a pickled onion. Sorry. That is cleaner than the version that I did. Really? Is this a thing? Yeah, it was a thing. It was an often-said phrase,

meaning wait and see. Does Frank remember this phrase or was it peculiar to our area? I must state that we never actually had it for R tea so I assumed it was a delicacy we couldn't afford. What in holy hell? Well, I don't remember that particular version of it and I don't know if I can tell.

I'll do this one clean and then you can work it out for yourself. I remember a guy saying to his brother in the pub where you've been and he said I had me dinner for I come out and he said what did you have he said a cow's vagina and a monkey's anus

you can guess the actual words he used there was some alliteration in the first oh my God it was a sort of standard wasn't it? I had no idea why this was before the cooking programme was so wide we had to guess

what people are I'm a celebrity exactly where this would be a fully feasible... It was basically, it was the format for I'm a celebrity. Or someone immediately pen and paper. Say that again? Exactly.

You know, my dad always... You know, my dad said that Winter Wonderland was stolen from him and that he was singing it around County Durham when he was a kid. I want the song. Well, different words, but he had a song. And it sort of was like, you can be so happy if you try, was the actual instead of winter wonderland. And he said

some American guy must have heard it and changed the word. Or some American are walking past your street in Birmingham. Well, it was in County Durham when my dad grew up in County Durham. Yeah, anyway. Cows, and the monkeys. So this is a, is this a national

thing that I've not come across or is it a West Midlands? I haven't found it in other parts of the country. It's an interesting local tradition. And the parents would literally say, I mean, these are people's parents and the children are saying What's for tea?

And a dad is saying to the child a little dog's cock and a pickled onion. Well, my mates... And you were okay with that? I said I hadn't heard that version. I'm not saying I would have drew the line. My mate's dad,

if he said anything and he wasn't impressed by it, he'd say, go and sit up the shitters. What's the children? You can't sit in the toilet. I heard of the world. There's an outside, Tyler.

Go and sit up this shitters. Are these phrases the ones about the animal parts hinting at the West Midlands long tradition of eating awful in various forms? Oh, well, that is. Of course, Doddly Zoo was a local day out. Celebrity. Yeah. I don't know why I'm pretending to be shocked at a parent saying that.

I mean, my mother did say to me on, so, and I said, why is Granny being horrible to me? You remember this, Frank? And she said, I've told you why, darling. It's because she's on amphetamines. So it was a sort of different version of abuse in some ways. It was. Oh, my word.

There was no swearing in our house. No. I can't imagine there was. Catholic family. Regarding, we were discussing Frankie Howard and Whoop's Baghdad. Oh, yes. And Carl gets in touch from Dublin, long-time reader. Great to hear Frankie Howard slash Whoops Baghdad getting a mention.

Knowing Frank has a love for language, I thought he might like to know that the word, Shufti is actually derived from an Arabic word. So Mustafa Shifty might not be as culturally inaccurate as he first thought. As for Bubiana, I'm not so sure. No. So Shofti used to be to have a look, have a quick look. Is that what it means? Yeah, it means you saw an Arabic. So if someone said something, you would say Shufty as if to say you saw this. Is it a cockney thing it's become now?

But Mustafa used to feature in a few. You know those books that had like the most obvious one was like, detective stories by either clue. Yes. Frank, in the comic Whizzer and Chips, there was a character called Mustafa Millions, I'm afraid.

Yeah, there was always that. There was a wealthy child. There was always the Indian cloak room attendant Mahatma coat. I remember. It's awful. No, well, they're faded now, of course.

And quite rightly. We didn't know. We didn't know! Other Egyptian... These get into English through the, how long the British army was in Egypt. So, Galute, that's Arabic? Your great galute.

What, okay, what, I don't know what a galute is. You great glumphant galute, have you ever heard that? No. What does it mean? A galute is like the similar to the wordth. It's not up there with a dog's cock and a picture, don't you? Well, nothing is up there with that. That's what I've heard.

And, you know, pardon the nominal swearing, but it's not swearing. Bint is just a woman. Is that an old lady? or something. That's like me. It's a sort of... It's a not very affectionate... If Frank said, shut up, you old Bint. It was this...

Arabic for woman, I think, and it was the term for the soldiers local Egyptian girlfriends. Well, they were stationed down there. Oh, okay. I'm not sure how respectfully they would have been treated, to be honest. Well, as we say, we didn't know.

I thought Galut was a more known word than this. No, we don't know. It's quite American. I don't know. It means Goliath. It's the same as... I think there was in in whoops Baghdad

there's a woman called Pussy Galute God back to Wups Baghdad again I wish they'd never written in about that Oh no Oh please no So With Amex Platinum

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This is it, the day you finally ask for that big promotion. You're in front of your mirror with your Starbucks coffee. Be confident. Assertive. Remember eye contact, but also remember to blink. Smile, but not too much. That's weird. What if you aren't any good at your job?

What if they dim out you instead? Okay, don't be silly. You're smart, you're driven, you're going to be late if you keep talking to the mirror. This promotion is yours. Go get him. Starbucks. It's never just coffee.

Finally, Nick and Norwich. Nick in Norwich, I like. Hi, Frank Emily and piano, Billy. That's not dying. Going back a bit. Has Frank ever been asked to be the lead in a musical? I was asked to play Mr. Salafane in cabaret. Yes, because I should say Nick continues.

I think this would be a jewel in the National Treasurer's Crown. I can see you as Mr. Sellefane. What was Mr. Sellefane's role? Richard Gere played him in the movie of Chicago. Cabaret? Chicago. Chicago? He's a hen-pecked husband.

Oh. That's where he is. Do you know there used to be a society called the hen-pecked husbands who used to meet. They can't have met very often. They weren't allowed. Did they dress a Superman and go up to the top of buildings? No, I'm on about like in the 50s.

Really? And they would meet up yet. And it was supposed to be lighthearted, but apparently the mood would occasionally be broken by some heartbreaking story of domestic oppression. Oh, God. I think you'd be very good as Mr. Sellefane. Well, I don't think I'll be asked now.

I'm more like Grandpa Celfane. No, there's still roles out. out there. In fact, I... What, I've cellophane. Very good, man. Talking to musicals, actually, I went to an opening night this week. Nice.

I went to see my friend Danny Nyman. He was playing Max Biali Stock in... The producers. Very good. Thank God he was good. It is nervy with a friend. You hope the reviews are going to be good? I've got pretty good now, going back and just sound

brilliant, man. That's really brilliant. Fantastic. Did you sit a match last night? No, you can't say that to actors. No, I can keep it going for like eight seconds, the lie, the blatant lie. Before you double over. He was, thank God, he was brilliant. First person I saw, though, when I walked into the foyer, Paul Sinner.

And as we've been discussing him only last week, I thought, I've got to say something. So I was introduced to him, and I said, I've got to tell you, we were talking about your memoir. and we decided it's one of the best memoir titles. Do you remember what it was called? Once in a lifetime. Yes, it was, yeah. I told him that. And I said, he was very happy.

He said, did Frank like it? I said, yes. Frank approved. No, it was tremendous. And then, yeah, but I shouldn't have said it, Frank. Because he said, I'm so glad you liked it. I said, you know, it's such a great idea. He went, so did you buy it then as a result of that?

I said, no. Well, no, because you know, you know the best thing. Oh, no. He's on the cover. I said, no. He said, well, can't it be that good then? Well, I don't want to be that good, then. Oh, it was awful, man.

It was awful. I know. People are quite, I went to a book launch last night, and the author at the end said, I don't want to see anyone, it was on the third floor. She said, I don't want to see anyone going down those stairs without the book on the way out.

I thought, shit. Wow. So, I took the lift. Yeah, it's the best. Well, do you know what it taught me? That encounter with sinner, it taught me a lie costs nothing. Yeah. I should have lied.

Yeah. The next person I saw, Richard Arnold. Oh, yeah. Because is it even an opening if Richard Arnold isn't there? We've seen him at Oliver. Oh, no, he's really busy. Omnipotent? Yeah.

But he's so good at the showbiz staff. because I noticed I was talking to him and there was just a hand on his shoulder you know that thing when people sort of they suddenly lose eye contact with you because they see someone else he doesn't do that he's brilliant at navigating these situations

there was a hand on his shoulder I hadn't even seen really who it was at this point and I just heard an American voice saying Richard Darling and he did it set without even turning around he suddenly he just went Jerry Hall darling and then spun round

He knew it was her in the voice. And did he sort of slightly look upwards on the spin because he knows she's like six foot eight? Is she tall? Yeah. Oh, really? She's the model. Yeah, she was a form.

But also she wears the heels. She does. Because I saw her with Rupert Murdoch. Are they still together? No, sadly, it didn't work out. And he was dwarfed. He was dwarfed by a whore. So I made my excuses and left,

Because I think you have to. In that situation, I was like, I'm outranked here. Yes. You know. I remember me and David Badele on the red carpet once. And the camera lenses just completely in one moved away from us. We were left naked and Cher was standing at the side in not very much clothes. Wearing not, not now, but.

Okay. As a friend of mine once said to me at it, when we were asleep, It's a can-can, think. You were at a can-can, think. Well, there was part of a show. It was a can-can-cats. It was in 1940s. The Liberation of Paris.

No, I was going to say. My mate, it was a very black country bloke. In the French resistance? He said, bloody, I get to see right up the Wrexham. Frank. That is so disgusting. Well, I didn't say it wasn't. It's from the past, so it's all right.

It's from the past. It's a historical crime. It's certainly a crime, Frank. So the point of me telling you this story I mean it was fabulous I really enjoyed it but I get hungry in a musical theatre scenario

because it's long Frank we went to Oak Cologne quite frankly I was starving I didn't want to ruin the evening by telling you that but it's expensive 15 pounds of box of Malteseers What's no

That's how much they sometimes For the bigans Luckily my date was Connie Huck The Incredible Huck Yeah And as you'd imagine She likes to prepare earlier

So she had prepared a picnic banquet for us. Let me guess. Top-of-Weet container, chicken coma. There was talk ofware container. Because Alma, there was our tour manager, told me about how people from the Asian subcontinent

they will appear anywhere with Top-of-Ware containers containing fabulously prepared food. I'll tell you what she had, because we knew we were going to have to be discreet, because it was a classy crowd there. And I didn't, you know, we didn't want to alienate these theatre-going people. So we started

with wagon wheels. They're quite easy to eat during the performance. They're quite quiet. Not normally associated with the Indian cuisine. More cowboy, in fact. Well, you should have had them at Oklahoma. Yeah, we should have had the wagon wheels. And thematic, you know.

No, I know. And they weren't really linked to the Third Reich theme either. But we had wagon wheels, followed by cashew nuts in a Tupperware bottle. Then we had bananas. What? What? What?

Look, then, it was all coming out of the Incredible Huck's bag. It was non-stop. Then she got the crisps out, and that's when I panicked, because they're noisy. And they were prawn cocktail, so they're smelly. Oh, no. Well, I interviewed Monica Allie, the writer, and she said, if they were invited round to someone else's house for a meal, her mom would take about four Tupperware containers of food, even though she was the guest.

Oh, to the house? Yeah. See, I think in your ear. English culture. I don't think food's such a big deal. But then again, if you're going to eat a dog's cock and a pickle, don't you? Exactly. I mean, who's going to put that in a contain? So do you know, I timed the crisp opening with springtime for Hitler. That's good. It's a big noisy number. No one's going to hear that. That's a packet opening. Boots stomping and stuff for each crunch. So it went very well. The only thing, when I left the theatre, I had a great

evening. I had to dash off just after the standing ovation, so people were all standing. And then I got outside the theatre and I had a sort of kind hearts and coronets. My memoirs moment, because I realised I'd left a banana skin. This is honestly true on my velvet seat. No. I'd left the skin. Everyone would have seen that. Money saving expert would have seen it. Steve Pemberton would have seen it. Oh, they were all there, were they? Bonnie Langford would have seen it. Oh, no. Because you've said it's just a tribute to the comedic genius of... It looks like a passive-aggressive review, leaving a banana skin.

Have you pulled it in four and put it in the shape of a swastika? Anyway, it was a fabulous evening. I thoroughly recommend it. I did feel a bit ill when I woke up having the banana skin. Well, hopefully no one cleaning up the theatre slipped on it in a hilarious way.

If it was on the chair, they'd be all right. as they pick it up they just slip with their hand maybe that's probably left a stain on that chair Richard Arnold will be sitting there thinking oh they put a star on this chair especially for me well about this I I was at a meeting at my management company my manager wasn't there obviously

why do you say obviously Frank because he's avoiding me oh Frank I can't bear this soap opera of your dynamic I don't worry about it. It's so stressful. This is sort of a preamble to this story. I don't know if you've seen... Do you ever use Uber?

Sure. I've been getting an advert from Uber. Did you introduce me to Uber? I believe so. I remember you saying, what's this? That's not how you can do until this winter, is it? No, I think it might have got name check to the producers come to think of it.

As in Uber Alves. Anyway, they've been sending me adverts about... Kylie Minogue's gloves. Have you seen this? No. Kiley Minogue left a glove. I'm trying to think of what looks like Kylie Minogue but isn't.

No, Kylie Minogue left a glove in an Uber. I think it's a publicity thing rather than an accident. And if you find it, then you win. Let me have a look. Kylie Minogue's glove, I suppose. No, I think more than that. I don't want some old Australian glove. I think...

Don't call on that. I wouldn't mind if it was dumb. I don't want her gloves. I'll tell you what you get if I can find it. Also, she's got very small hands. They'd probably only fit me. Colin Minogue has lost her to her gloves and she needs your help, it says.

And it says, yeah, the real... It says yop, in fact. Yop, the real one she wore all summer on her attention to her. Okay. Like we know about that. Waiting to be discovered by you. She's been riding around in an Uber exit.

in London and then they're left behind and if you find them you get uh oh i can't be so it's to encourage you to order an uber in the home uber exec in the uber of zek but how many uber exact how well have they briefed the drivers about this because i can easily see someone getting in an uber exact and going can i look for a glove in the car anyway this this is just an overture no to me okay so i'm at my management company and it's raining a bit and they said we'll get you a cab home and I thought yeah they're hoping I never come back anyway I'll be charged for this so the yeah I actually said who's paying for this oh no and they said we are and I said you absolutely clarified that so a black cab arrived to

take me home and got in it the bloke said uh well ah Frank Skinner and I said uh yes he said I saw you Shaftesbury Avenue. I thought, well, that's a very cab driver thing. Couldn't say I saw you at the Geogood Theatre. He might as well have said I saw you a W-1D-6-A-R. I saw you on the corner of Shaftsbury

in Piccadilly. He said, yeah, you had COVID at night. And I had flu. I remember that. And he said, yeah, you didn't die, but you struggled. He said, you struggled. And I thought, okay, okay. I feel absolutely ill. And he said, there was a bit where you were saying, you know,

about people in the audience not laughing. And stuff I do regularly, take an utterly. At face value. So I said, yeah, yeah, okay. And he said, see, I really was there just for football stuff, but you didn't do it. Football cock, like you said. Yeah, I said, yeah.

Anyway, I said there's a phone on that. the backseat, not Kylie's, I don't know whose it was. And he said, oh God, that's the blokes. He said, you any good with a phone? I thought, what does that mean? Am I any good with a phone? I mean, you know, you can't do fucking stand up. So, you can't have you can handle a phone. So I said, he said he'll ring. So this thing rang. It was like a Polish name. So I I couldn't, I kept pressing the thing, but I couldn't answer it. Was it an iPhone? I wasn't very good with a phone.

It was an iPhone, I was pressing the grid. And it didn't work. It wasn't working. So he went, oh, give it here. So I handed it to him through the grid. And he got onto this bloke, and he says, all right, he said, I'll drop it off for you. He said, it'll cost you a 30 quid.

And the guy said, all right. So he said, it's all right if we go to Shepherd's Bush. I said, No. No. He said, oh, come on. He said,

that'll be your good term for the day. I said, why, we get 15 quid each. He said, ah, ha, ha, ha. It's the first time he'd ever laughed at me.

And he said, no, come on, it won't take, I said, no, I don't, I don't want to get to it. It was the,

there was a bloody tube strike, the traffic. It was nightmarish. And I said, no, I don't want to go there. I said,

drop us at Kenzel Rise, of the overground and I can go from there That's so nice of you there. Yeah, five minutes. I said, drop me there and it's fine.

He said, it's a bit out of my way. What? He's a cab driver. Who is this man? He said, this bloke's got a flight. He said, I don't want him to... I said, so the 30 quid's got nothing to do with it. I don't care if he's got a little dog's cock

and a pickled onion. You booked him to take you... I never met the man. You booked him for a journey. He's been paid. So he says to me, yeah. Oh, okay. Do you mind getting out here?

You're kidding. What? He said, he said, I can't get to that. Do you mind get, he said, I'll tell you what. He said, I won't charge you for this journey. I said, really? That's great. You've taken me further away from where I'm going,

when I got in the cab. And he said, yeah, sorry about that. But, you know, so what could I do? I got out. Yeah. So I just was thinking as I walked to the railway station, I just thought, you know, if I'd have gone better that night, in his opinion, would he have thrown me out of the cow?

Yes. Well, would he? Yes, definitely. I wondered if it was just a very light heckle. It was his, frank. It was his version of the banana on the Velvet Theatre seat. But I just couldn't, especially if it had been, I dare I say, an Uber, you'd sort of think, well, you know, you're taking your chance with...

I mean, it's so unreasonable. It was like you'd walked into sort of Kim Jong-un's kingdom or something. It was utterly... Also, he said he went to go see you for football stuff, whatever that means. So even if your material had done well, he'd have still been sad at the lack of punditry. So you would admit it was a punishment for my... show? No, no, no. I'm saying even if in his opinion he'd gone, oh, everyone loves these jokes, I'm not here for jokes.

I'm here for football stuff. I am starting think it is a punishment if I'm really honest with you. It's too weird. I'd have turned up a shepherd's bush and there'd been some Polish folk saying, who's the guy in the bed? I'm taking him in completely the opposite fucking direction. This strange car, like a road trip. You're on Frank Skinner and a weird man.

going to the airport? Clearly a profoundly unreasonable man. So I think there's no winning with this man. Do you not? Well, I didn't win. So unreasonable, I would like you to get his number for me. He's exactly the kind of man I'm off. There you go.

Can I ask, did you take the extra, perhaps slightly vindictive step of checking to see if he did charge or not? No, because I wasn't paying. Yes. Well, I've got another question. That means, sort of a rating are you going to give him?

Because they live or die. You don't rate? There is no ratings. Oh, is he Uber. Black hair? They're the nights of the road. Yeah. No, of course.

But I told the management, I said, make sure you don't pay. And they said, hold on. What happened? By now, I'd normalised it. By the time I'd walked to my management company, I'd sort of got over it. Well, I think you're still in PTSD. Maybe you're right.

Hidden camera prank? I couldn't. thinking, you know, if this had been 10 years ago when I was in my pomp, he'd have been honoured to have me in his car. I think that's true. No, he couldn't get me out fast enough. I hate to be honest with you. I do think that's true, Frank. You just opened with football cock.

Yeah. It's showbiz, mate. It's... There are many manifestations of a declining career but actually being ejected from a black cab for 30 quid from some... Polish executive.

I mean, my, my, the mighty have fallen. It's Frank off the radio, Frank off the radio, Frank off the radio, it's the Frankskinner podcast, don't you know? Thanks for listening to the podcast. Make sure to like and follow so you never miss an episode. And if you want to get in touch, you can email the podcast via Frank off the radio at Avalonuk.com.