The Frank Skinner Show - Apple Maps Humiliated Frank

Episode Date: March 27, 2026

Frank and Emily are joined by Milo Edwards. Frank has had an unfortunate journey into Soho Radio and has a public service announcement. There's also the Milk Tray Man, shoulder peak and an incident with a goose. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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It's Frank. It's the Frank Skina podcast, don't you know? Hi, this is Frank Off the... Stop making the floorboard creak. Jacob Marley. This is Frank Off the Radio. I'm joined by Emily Dean and Milo Edwards. Follow the podcast on X and Instagram.

Are you creaking for two now, remember? You can email the podcast via Frank Off the Radio at Avalonuk.com. As for WhatsApp, you can WhatsApp us on 07457-417769. there you have it I like the way you read that out like it was selling life insurance on daytime TV well you know

you get a free Parker pen just for inquiry I've become an adverts guy now so I'm also embracing so I was we're not at Spiritland this week that's why you heard the Jacobs Creek yeah we're at a place called is that in the name of a TV show

Jacob's Creek is a wine yeah And I've used it to describe... Jonathan Creek is the TV show. That's right. And Schitt's Creek. Yeah. There's a Venn diagram of hearing here.

You've got Jacob Marley, Jacob's Creek, Jonathan Creek. Dawson's. Yeah, there is a whole Creek network. Jacob's Ladder. You could put that on one side. Anyway, the producer just creaked. That's what you heard at the beginning. Frank didn't like the...

Frank doesn't like creeks. I get enough creaks in my own spine without other people having to introduce them into my life. So look, I was... We're at Soho. radio in Soho. And I don't know what's wrong with Spiritland this week, but you know what it'll be. There'll be a trad jazz band in there and a load of beat Nix will be doing a podcast.

Private event. Clicking their fingers. Private event. What does that mean? Well, it means private event, Frank. Orgy. Yeah. I would say each of our lives is a private event, whatever we might kid ourselves about sharing the world with others.

Not on this podcast. On this podcast, anyway, I can never find this place. And so I turn to, when you get an iPhone, other phones are available. I mean, they are. They are. I like a Blackberry myself. Oh, yeah, and a crumble. Yeah, ideally.

Frank, are you moving into your Blackberry era? I love that Frank. Well, and I'm moving into my Crumble era. But anyway, so when you go to your iPhone and press Maps, is that Apple Maps you'll get, or Google Maps? Yes, you'll automatically get Apple Moops. So I got Apple Maps, I'm sorry. So I got Apple Maps came up, and I put in Soo Radio.

Oh, no. And I thought, I'm sure it's on this road. It took me off that road. And I thought, oh, God, I've completely, I've got, I'm getting worse, getting lost. It fucking took me to Absolute Radio. which is a place I was sacked from two years ago I mean the humiliation of it It looked like I'd gone there

You know those films like on the waterfront Where Man in Black Beanie had to hang around by the gates To see if there's any work It was like that Like I turned up on off chance of somebody being ill They're calling security at the front desk It's back again It's a whole map

It's a bloody absolute right here It's the street where you live it's embarrassing. Oh, man. He's forgotten he doesn't work here anymore. I mean, you would think if I wasn't using Apple Maps, if I was just using Old Man Sensed, I could have walked to somewhere I used to go a lot.

Is that an app? OMS, Old Man Sense. I'd download that. I thought that was a cologne. So then I phoned the producer and said, I'm at Absolute Radio. How embarrassing. What, today you did that?

Yeah. But when I saw you outside, you were wandering around, ignored me twice. You were talking to someone. The gentleman that I met, it was actually Jimmy Carl's brother, and the gentleman I met said, is that Frank Skinner walking up and down?

I said, yes. I was looking for a shop. You were looking for a car? And then I said, where are you going? You said, I'm trying to find a comic shop. I was looking for a comic shop that I've been to eight times. And still couldn't. I have a bad sense of direction, Milo, in case you're not aware of it.

And he said to me, I said, what shop is it? He said, I don't know. It's called something like Powell. Wow. Yeah, and I knew it was something with an exclamation mark. Yeah. Westwood Ho. Yeah.

But unfortunately, it was called Gosh. Correct. Which, as Milo pointed out, I'd sold it as Po and Woe, which is more Batman, whereas gosh is more, well, it's more Billy Bonta, isn't it? It's more my family, to be honest. It's quite camp. Yeah. It does feel like it would be a shop in Soho, but it wouldn't sell comics. Yeah.

Well, the shop is not camp. It's very, very comics. All right. It's very masculine in there. It's one of the most heterosexual shops. No, look, I don't have any problem with camp. I say that I've had a bit of a belly full of it now. But, you know.

Well, let's not go into that. What a night, that must have been. But anyway, I, so she said you need to turn around and go. And it was really, I'd been on the right road. And stupid Apple Maps took me back to, anyway. They're sabotaging you. Maybe you should get. a Blackberry. So I was crossing the road. There was some big

bloke on a bike. You know those blokes that look like they shouldn't be on a bike? They're too big. Sure. Well, I don't know. Was it a London line bike, a rental bike? No, I think it was probably his bike. Was it Boris Johnson? No. Very much not. Okay. And as I thought I'll cross the road. I won't get in his way. He sort of turned into me and went,

like that. So you're pirate? He was sinking as a little old man crossing the road And all intimidating I hope as we speak He is being taken off the road surface By ambulance people He'd been hired by Apple Maps

To further distract your journey It was spiteful bullying arrogance I don't like that No I don't like it Did you say anything Frank? No Called out on the podcast It was gone

But also he was, you know, he was big. Well, last time we had, we faced someone like that. Frank and I were on our way, we're on our way to the globe, weren't we, I believe. And there was a man on a bike. And it wasn't that he did anything. Frank just found the concept of him a bit offensive. No, he was bobbing and weaving in and out of human being. But also, didn't he have no top on or something?

Yes, that's right. He didn't have a top on. And Frank turned around to me and, sorry. He said, I know this is horrible. But I really hope you've. falls off. No, but I did. No, that's fair.

And this bloke today, like I say, if I found out that he'd gone into an aeroplane propeller, I'd be fine with it. You'd have to have gone quite wrong with your cycling, I think. Yeah, anyway, that happened to me. And then I came in here

and the producer said, we should go down to the studio. Oh, yeah. So I went and pressed the button on the lift. And a woman who worked came up to me and said, do you mind using the stairs

if you're just going to go down one flight? I missed this? What the fuck? Why? I'm not allowed in that. We've got better people. We're like younger people in the lift.

It's quite a cool lift. We're banished to the stairs because, Milo, you would have been all right. We dragged you down. We are banished to the stairs. I don't mind doing the stairs. No, I think if Frank Skinner is not allowed in the lift, I'm not getting a look in.

I don't. I already pressed the bottom. It wasn't, you know, it would have took out what? All right, sugar babes. One floor. Oh, man. So that was my start. Oh, I didn't know that.

Bullying. A fiscuousness. So is that why we had to take the stairs? I didn't know that. Yeah, I'd press the bottom and lit up. The lift will arrive and think, oh, somebody's playing silly boggress. Yeah, so Apple Maps again.

Messing with me. Well, they reminded me, so it happened to me ages ago, on the subject of people being aggressive on the road. There's a one-way street outside my office. It's on, like, the corner of Mayor Street in the hallway. I mean, who are you, the wolf of, the wolf of Mayor Street? It's not the Wolf of Wall Street, Frank. He's just got a podcast. He told me about his corporate, what was it, you said to me?

Oh, no, you got, well, you understood. We can't talk about that in law. Milo and I were talking. No, I weren't going to detail. No, I don't mind. I said, I don't know if that would work for my business model. Yeah. And Milo said, well, we mentioned revenue stream. We also mentioned corporate law.

And that prompted Frank, we were getting on the tube to say, what is it with YouTube? You business people, I'm just a blow. I think I said, what's happened to comedy was what I said. Frank has a similar attitude to the comedy industry that Pol Pot had to running a country. It's sort of like anyone with glasses is under suspicion. Well, I mean, in my day, you know, comedians, they didn't have fucking business cards and business managers and offices. Back to the fields.

Everyone in black. Yeah. Anyway, you know, time changes. I get that. But I was crossing this one-way street and someone was driving in a car and I'm ashamed to say it was a BMW, the wrong way up the one-way street and nearly ran me over. And I sort of turned around and went, oh, mate, it's a one-way street. And he went, no, it isn't. And I'm like, yes, it is. It's a one-way sheet. There's a sign right there.

And he goes, well, what would you know? You haven't got a car. And I had to stop myself from replying, well, actually, I have got a car. It's there. Because I was like, that would be very childish. That would be meeting him at his level. Yes.

I would have really, I would have said something. I would have had to have said something. I couldn't have. The idea of him wandering off not knowing that would have upset me. But I found it to be such a weird escalation of the young going to be like, well, what would you know you haven't got a car? But also, that's disqualifying. It's a strange assumption, isn't it?

If you see someone walking, they haven't got a car. It's very American. Yeah, you haven't got a Wi-Fi, they're already children. I'm on my own now, walking. Yeah. And you haven't got a hat. I've got one at home. You haven't got a house.

You're just not in it right now. And he's not had lunch. Yeah? I mean, that's weird. Oh, dear. Anyway, all we've established. is, as I've said before, from a survey that I saw in the magazine, 61% of people in this country are unpleasant.

What was this survey? That strikes me as low. I wonder who that was sponsored by. I probably saw that, you know, 14 months ago. It's probably around around 75 now. Yeah, yeah. Well, they've surveyed that guy on the bike from early. Yeah.

I think it probably is high. I don't call him that guy on the bike. I want to think of him as in the gutter now. Covered in. Formerly of the bike. Yeah, exactly. I like to think you like to think Vimmer's no longer with us. I don't want to kill him because I want him to feel his own pain.

You want him to be maimed? That's all I ask. That's what I do. I sometimes watch episodes of accident, you know, those critical, those ones with this sort of emergency 24-7 or whatever they're called. Just to see if anyone who's wronged me turns up on them. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I quite like that.

Have we got any listeners who are sort of witches or mages? Never ask if we've got any. than... Voodoo people who could perhaps hex this man. Well, we don't even know he is.

We could create a doll of a sort of large man on a bike. If you had to think of a celebrity who he looked like, who would you say? I'm not prepared to say because that would define

his ethnicity. I understand exactly what you're saying. About that friend, a neat little answer. Would you like to hear... I'm sitting next to my legal representative. I would like to hear...

That's Milo, he's a business person. I would like to hear from the outside world. He does that. Yeah. I wouldn't surprise me if Milo might do that a bit of legal rights. I like Mila, but the cigar smoke is starting to get on my chest. I'm sorry, there's no ashtray. Milo, who's your favourite cigar smoker?

Ooh, who is, I mean, who really smokes cigars? I mean, we were talking about Churchill earlier. Schwarzenegger, I'll tell you who, it's whoever's been on cigar smoker. You remember that magazine I told you about? Yeah, it's called a cigar smoker. Did they offer to make you a cover star? Yeah. Schwarzenegger's always on.

Have you seen the clip of him? Is Shaq O'Neill? Shaquille O'Neal, do you remember he chatted me up once? He smokes a cigar, I think. Oh, does he? Okay. Okay, I'm glad I know now. There's a great clip of Schwarzenegger talking about cigar smoking.

He's like, I smoke stogies because I'm balsy. People tell me, my wife's father said, you can't smoke a stogie. I ignored him. Oh, he still likes it. Because I'm a big guy. James Woods as well is a big thing. Do you know James Woods? Oh, do I?

Frank, do you know James Wood? It doesn't work with Woods. No, it doesn't. I tried. I tried, but it doesn't mind. He's indistinguishable from the James Trees. There you go. Yes. Very fine.

I'll take it. I went out with a woman who when we split up, said I only ever went out with you because she looked like James Woods anyway. Oh, I can sort of see that. There is a little resemblance there. I tell you else he's had, Stephen Tompkinson and Graham Norton. And Samuel Beckett. If that a love child.

It's not bad. I can see Norton. I don't know what Stephen Tomkins. This is not good audio talk. No. Oh, okay. Although I did notice the other day that I don't know if you remember

George and Mildred. Have you ever heard of it, Myler? George and Mildred. George and Mildred was a popular sitcom. And they had a family living next door and they had a child called Tristram. All right. And he is a perfect doppelganger

of the new Archbishop of Canterbury. Is he really? I remember Tristan with the glasses he had, didn't he? Absolutely the same person. Did he have like a page boy haircut glasses? Did he say, did he have? Look at the Artemis for Canterbury. Did he have?

Yes, he had all of that because he's the same face. He had all the robes on. Are you going to get friends? Frank's always very good friends with them. But the interesting thing about it, Frank, is that you just still say friends with the old ones. You don't just say, well, there's a new one. Well, I think what happens is I think they've no.

thought I'm bad luck. So I don't think I'll be invited back to Lambeth Palace. It's quite a pal to have, though. I had a good run. This episode is brought to you by FedEx. These days, the power move isn't having a big metallic credit card to drop on the check at a corporate lunch. The real power move is leveling up your business with FedEx intelligence.

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Would you like to hear from the outside world? You bet your sweet bippy. Oh, you never mind my bippy. Carl from Dublin has got in touch with us. Longtime reader, he wants to correspond with this regarding mooning. Do you remember we were talking about the concept of mooning recently? I do. I do. Carl says, I can confirm that mooning,

is definitely not exclusive to the Americans. I saw Ozzy Osbourne several times in concert and Ozzy would always treat the audience to a moon, to much cheering and applause. One vintage year in the Nauties, I also saw Johnny Rotten, drop his trousers on stage too. Well, you don't expect it of Johnny Rotten, do you? Value for money.

And I like how Karl of Dublin has ended it, then were the days. Well, I had a mate serious. You saw a man's ass. I had a mate who did it a lot. And then he... A lot! He did.

It was his thing, three pints. Every 28 days. And he started to get bolder. And I remember we were in a chip shop. I don't like the sound of bolder. There was like three of us in a chip shop at like half past midnight. And he took his trousers and pants off. Because he thought the bloat won't know because the counter, well, he won't be able to see.

Of course, the bloke came home. I just looked into the big glass window and could see there was a man standing in his shop reflected in the window we'd now trousers all pants on, threw us all out. He thought he was in the chippy on Zoom. Oh my God. But you know, that is basically just being an exhibitionist.

I mean, it sounds like a bit of a disorder. Well, you know, we made our own entertainment in those days. It's good enough for Winnie the Pooh. That's true. He's an exhibitionist. Top cap. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah.

I think the original, we need to put in, even wear the fucking t-shirt. Well, was he just naked? Yeah. He was butt-naked. I think that's less vulgar than just the T-shirt. I think just the T-shirt's more upsetting. That is more naked, isn't it? The presence of the T-shirt makes him look more obscene.

Oh, maybe you're right. In the same way of Donald Ducks, which Frank often talks about, because, you know, the Bolero jacket. Is he just nothing underneath Donald Duck? You've got pants? He wears, like, he wears a navel. tuning. Yeah, but is a genitals exposed?

Well, that is traditional in the Navy. You can't really, when you cross the equator. You can't see a dock's genitals. I've tried. Have you ever looked? Kicked me out of the zoo. You just can't. A goose.

People that live across the road from us, you know, sometimes birds fly into your window. Mm-hmm. A goose just went straight through their winter. I just sort of smash the... It's like a proper hole. I'd open it would be slightly more goose-shaped. But there's actually a hole in the window.

It just went straight in. Oh my good. Just saying. Next. David Clements has been in touch. Hi, Frank Emily and Milo. Oh, that's an honour. Milo's had personalised correspond.

Can I just say you're my favourite listener, David. David Clements. Yeah. I mean, stitches at your description of the red hand of Ulster on the Northern Ireland flag. What I'd give to see some Orange Lodge members' reactions to Emily's descriptions of it being, in quotes, a lovely hand waving,

and it also being, in quotes, a bit spice girls. Waving, God, aye. I do apologise. I believe... Be careful. Exactly. I believe the red hand actually comes from the story of a race to claim the land where one man cut his hand off

and threw it ashore. Oh, I see. So he touched the land first. It was a race to claim the land. In order to claim the land, he cut his hand off. I'd have gone finger, but, you know, some people, they don't like to. They like a belt and braces approach to land claiming. You can't expect the finger to arrive first, though.

It's leaving it to chance, right? Not got enough momentum. Yeah, hand safer. I thought the whole thing was, it doesn't matter what the weight of an object is they hit the ground at the same time. Oh, maybe okay. I feel as though that wouldn't really help in claiming the land because, you know, you'd get, And everyone would be like, well, number one, that's weird and doesn't count. And number two, you're now bleeding to death.

So I think it's mine, actually. No, because you'd then arrive in a speedboat with a corporate lawyer saying, I've got all the paperwork already done for this land, so you take your hand back. And meanwhile, I'd be saying that business model of being handless is not going to work for me. You haven't submitted any share of capital. That hand is meaningless. Get that back on the boat, all hands on deck, as we say. Absolutely, very good.

Anyway, I'd just like to say, David, I appreciate, it's calling it a bit spice girls, was perhaps inappropriate. I'd like to formally apologise for that, but I won't take back a lovely hand-waving because that was my first impression of it. Okay. Okay.

Yeah. It's very friendly at Northern Ireland. Mm. Yeah. Did I tell you? Have you been to Northern Ireland, Frank? Oh, God, many times. Yeah.

I was in Balaahi quite recently. Mm-hmm. And as we drove into town, I said to the driver, is it Balahey or Belahey? And he said, I wouldn't get involved in the politics. I thought, wow. It's just the police name?

Yeah, exactly. So I did, I stayed out of it. Also, I mean, they were pioneers of the flags on a landpost long before we came up with him. Really? We are Johnny Come Late This. Oh, yeah. Johnny Rotten come lately.

The Shankill Road has what I can only describe as threatening bunting. It's the first place I've ever. seen that. It looks like they're about to have a VE Day parade, but it's actually more of a just reminding the Catholics that we're here. Right. Anyway, let's lay off Northern Ireland politics. I'm getting very uneasy about this. Can I say that we don't understand the situation truly? And God bless you all. Happy Easter.

Whichever God you prefer. It's the same God. Talking of Happy Easter, why have we got a box of chocolates with security protected tag on them. I don't know. Oh, you brought in chocolate? Can I establish, I've been watching these chocolates. Are they for us?

Yeah, well, so I, because I was late last week, and because we had the lozenges or the tablets as they ever become, I thought I would bring chocolates. That's so kind. So I brought milk tray. I didn't know milk tray. You're all dressed in black and you bought milk tray. You know, the advert used to be a man dressed in black.

What was the slogan? Was he in like a tuxedo or something? No, no. He was in sort of Mission Impossible type. black. It was the kind of thing they'd always laugh at on the,

they'd do a sketch on the Russ Abbott show or something saying the man from milk tray. Anyone with a black polo neck if you walked into the pub someone would say,

oh, there's milk tray man's here. Yes, exactly. Yeah, so I am the milk tray man today. You are. So we can open them at your leisure. Okay, good.

I just wanted to check. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wanted to establish. They're not ceremony. It'd be funny if it was an empty box and elaborate, they're full of Teddy Gray's herbal

lozenges. They were horrible, those. It's one of the worst things I've ever eaten. I thought about them the other day and I felt ill. And I didn't even eat that whole thing. Just smelling it made me ill. I actually had nightmares about it.

I assumed you'd bought it and I saw a fold down working desk. To do a bit of business in the brakes. Oh, Frank. Got to start with this business thing. God's sake, man. I famously, I've not even got a car. So, you know, you wouldn't listen to me about business. I thought you had got a car.

No, I was talking about the guy from... Of course. She's doing a callback to the man who says he doesn't have a car. Oh, look, I wasn't, I hadn't started listening at that stage. Do carry on with Outside World. Yeah, please. Yes, we've also heard from 307. They've chosen to remain anonymous.

I don't blame them, to be honest. Hi Frank Emily and, sorry about this, Milo, TBA. TBA? Well, that's my street name. Oh, yes. That's quite a good street name. Yeah. But probably is a...

Do you think it is? There'll be a rapical TBA, well there? The business associate, that's what it stands for. Do you think TBC or TBA? I use TBC. They'll be both. Okay. Frank's mention of the Tiller Girls in a recent episode.

Remind, and you mentioned the Tiller Girls... They were a dance troupe that used to front a TV show called Sunday Night at the London Palladium. They weren't Captain Bird's Eyes glamorous assistants. No, and I remember you said that Betty Boothroyd was one. I think she was. Yes, I think you're right. It reminded me of an old drama teacher I had at school. During school productions, he would tell off members of the background cast

who stood awkwardly in a line and say, you're like the Tiller girls. This was the early 2000s. So obviously not one of the kids in the cast had the faintest clue what he was on about. Only now that I actually learn what the Tiller girls are, so 307 is grateful to you, Frank, for furnishing him with that information. Oh, that's good. It does occur to me that his critic,

makes absolutely no sense. Surely if you're saying someone looks stilted and awkward, you don't want to compare them to an energetic dance troupe. I hope his critical similes got better after I left the school, but I don't hold much hope. That's 307. Well, I like it.

I take 307's point. When he says you'll stood there like the Tiller girls, does he just mean... They never stood still in my memory. They were constantly moving like the very ocean. So what would have been a better thing? If you were the drama teacher, can we retrospectively help him? If your people are standing there looking gormless and unhelpful,

what should he have compared them to? Not the Tiller girls. No. Surely we can come up. Anyway, I need to tell this because there's a date involved, which I need to warn people about it. March the 31st is the... The last chance to buy the Queen's 100th birthday commemorative 10th sovereign

that's been advertised extensively on daytime television by Michael Burke. Oh, is it March 31st? March 31st. If you don't get it, if you buy it now at the introductory price. How much will that cost us? Do you think? 99 pounds. If you wait till 31st of March, 189.

Wow. That's a lot of that's a big discount. She didn't make it to $189. This advert begins. Michael Burke says, I've wrote this down frantically, watching it at tell you. A new coin has been added

to the gold sovereign family. That's how we began. I thought that would include Lady Sovereign. Do you remember her? Lady Sov? I'm English trying to deport me. Lady Sov.

Frank warmed to her when she was on Celebrity Big Brother and invented the men. measurement of a cat's paw. I remember she said, how much do you want of that coffee or whatever or yoghurt? And she went, just a cat's paw. Well, it said that this is the first ever

in the whole world, the first ever one-tenth sovereign. Is that right? Which sounds like a sort of a low score for Queen Elizabeth II. Yeah. She's arguably one of the top sovereigns. When you're writing monarchs. Yeah. But they advertise it

as if, honestly, if you miss. sat on this, that is a major thing. They said there's only 699 coins minted. I mean, I'd have gone for a round figure. It's quite a specific number, isn't it? They've obviously done research and discovered that number works with people. But what about this? The research says, that means, he says to camera, with some alacrity,

that only one in 4,000 UK households can own one. Well, see, that does sell it to me a bit. There's a feeling of desperation. Yeah. So I became fascinating. All this daytime gold and there's always a new bloody coin for something. Send us your gold. So I went to Deep Dive on the new Tenth Selfry.

What about this? It has to be authorised if you bring out a new coin. Who authorises it? Tristan, the neighbour from Georgia, Milton. Tristan Dekuna. Tristan Dukina... Do you know, Tristan. Yeah.

Edinburgh of the Seven Seas. Yeah. I'm so sorry I don't know what that is the island. The... On Tristan de Kuna, there's only one place that people live. And it's called... Edinburgh of the Seven Seas. I don't know anything.

Edinburgh of the Seven Seas. That's on your envelope when your mail comes. Yeah. And I tell you why, it's pretty miserable. Really? It's in the South Atlantic. It's one of these British territories that we've hung on to because literally no one wants to.

It's it. There isn't really what you call a tourist site, but on the sort of what the, I don't know, Facebook thing. The strap line is the world's most remote inhabited archipelago. All go. Yeah. The Edinburgh of the Seven Seas fringe is tough going. Do you know how many people in Tristan de Kuna?

Oh, I don't know, but I reckon it's in the single digit thousands. It is actually 250. Really? Wow. But anyway, they authorise the Queen's 10th sovereign. What, the inhabitants of Tristan de Kuna? Well, I think someone who produces currency has to give it the thumbs up before you can make it.

Oh, okay. Who produces currency? Does the Royal Mint exist then still? I don't know if they get involved with the 10th sovereigns. Oh, okay. I do have a Tristan de Konya fact, actually. Go on. Oh, I thought you might have.

So during World War I, Tristan Duconio, it was supplied like once a month by a British merchant navy ship that would go from South Africa. And at the start of World War I, they were like, right, we've not got time for this. We've been there's war on. So they requisitioned that ship. And then it took until about 1919. And then the British government was like, fuck, no one told Tristan Duconia that we won the war. So they sent the ship back. They were like, oh, by the way, sorry you've had no contact with the outside world for like, fuck.

But we did win the war. Sorry about the lack of the ship. And that just really amuses me. That is the sort of topper for all those stories about someone who got a postcard that was sent in 1927 and finally arrived. Yes, then it turns up. How did they live without the ship?

I guess they have their own sources of... There might be some holes in this story. I'm not 100% sure on the exact details. Man cannot live on 10th sovereigns alone. Yeah, they had to eat. the, you know, Edward the seventh coins. They're all minting.

Anyway, I've got... They're chocolate coins. I've got you one each. Oh, can you imagine if you did? Oh, man. How much are they, 99 pounds? 99. Before 31st of March.

What would you say, Frank? What is an introductory offer? Who am I being introduced to? The family, the gold sovereign family. Yeah, of Tristan de Koonia. Then ask a question, what was Michael Burke wearing for this? Does he wear a suit and a tie?

Does he go for a military-style jacket Or does he just go t-shirt with a suit? He wore like a big golden coin suit With his arms just sticking out of the time I'd say it was probably four feet diameter He's got a beard now Oh, Burk-o Berkey beard

Who knew Burkey Beard? I don't think he should have gone beard He's a very clean-cut gentleman Is he? He's got a sort of sand her first vibe about him. Who is Michael Burke? He used to be a news reader.

He was the news reader. Oh, okay. The news reader. I would say yes. He was taken very seriously. Yeah, especially by Michael Burke. Yeah. I think he's been, if I remember rightly,

he's been a little bit disparaging about your modern day. Has he? Oh, really? It's called them something like, you know, Or Tokyo Dombo's or something. I don't want to miss quite a bunch of burks. Because they didn't do people. per year.

I think it's, you know, when you get old cricketers on the telly, so they wouldn't have played a shot like that in my day. It's that kind of vibe. It would be more powerful. It's like me going on about young comics being business people. Yeah, yeah. Well, old cricketers, you know, they'd have been pissed. That'd have been great, you know.

Well, Dennis Compton turned up apparently mid-game in full evening dress, having come from a party, and said, what number am I batting? and they said four. And so he had a 20 minute nap. Oh. Before he got chance. Now they talk about the modern cricket.

You know, cricketers are getting a bit drunk. But I think he went out and scored like 84 or something. Did he? There you go. Good to be well-rested. If you, be honest, if you were offered the goal campaign, if they said, look, we've got some news. No.

Burke stepping down. No, I think that's the... Would you never do that? No. I'd put pantel before that. Would you? Yeah. Yeah.

Joe Pasquale is going to be forced out of Panto and into doing that. Why do you do life insurance on daytime TV ads? There's something a bit, daytime TV is mainly about death. And it's people advertise in death, forms of death. Yes. Or the sort of things you would buy where if you want this, you might as well be dead.

That's the kind of general thing. It's a very bleak. What about what I believe is? The programs are fine, the adverts. I mean, aren't the programs fine? If you're enjoying Australian Border Force, you might enjoy being cremated.

Yeah. How do you feel about what I believe is called shoulder peak? What is that? Shoulder peak is a pointless slot? Was that on just after Jacob's Creek? It's the kind of 515 to 6.15 slot. I thought it was a dog thing for people who carry their peak

and it's like a parrot. Oh, no, but I love that. Yeah. No, shoulder peak. is it's the shoulder of peak viewing. So you're in between daytime and you're on the shoulder. What used to be children's hour? Well no, what's happened now

is it's aimed at sort of adults. It seems like pointless or those sort of quiz shows, the chase and things. 515 to 615. I think you're safer with shoulder peak. I think that's respectable for you. I think there's, you know, I'm, I say the programs are the programs, but the

adverts are bleak, desolate landscape. River cruises, Exploitation of the elderly. I mean, it is, it's a vicious place, daytime advertising. I love a budget cremation ad. That's my favourite. Where they say something like cremations from just £1,200.

And you're sat there like, is that good? Well, I watched the ad price. I don't have a lot to compare it to. I was daytime ads. We do. Do old people still wear beige then? That's still in. Well, yeah, you have good.

And as couples on holiday having a glass of white. They love a glass of wine. Oh, man. The life insurance couples, they're all about holiday with wine in Portugal. Well, the tannins, they're good for the heart. You know, you've got to, that gets the premiums down. I mean, I am old, and I hate those efforts. Do you?

Yeah, because I think, don't make us look like we become imbeciles when we pass. But, you know, these people, I mean, afterwards, a bit they're saying, Do you think we're selling ourselves a bit short doing these adverts? Shut up, but you need to keep driving. Yeah. Well, next week we'll all be in big coin suits on this podcast. You'll know we've sold out to the powerful Tristan de Cunia Lobby. I think what they're saying is those actors in those adverts.

Look, it's not a leer, but what can you do? You've got to pay the bloody bills. We all wanted cash for gold. Apparently I wasn't first choice. They only just found out Michael Winner's dead. Apparently Jacobi's got it. Jacobi's doing Viking River cruises again. That's the plumb slot.

Oh, man, I haven't had an introductory offer for years. It's the Frank Skinner podcast. A new winter change is blowing. It's the Frank Skinner podcast. I'm not totally sure how it's going. Thanks for listening to the podcast. Make sure to like and follow so you never miss an episode. And if you want to get in touch, you can email the podcast via Frank Off the Radio at avalonuK.com.