The Frank Skinner Show - Beach Holiday

Episode Date: May 23, 2025

It's been a historic day for Frank. He's also been to The Podcast Show and opened for Steven Wilson at the Palladium. There's also some fantastic correspondence from our lovely Readers. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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It's Frank off the radio featuring him and that posh lady-o and the one with the French name from South Africa came. They're all here open brackets, hooray! Close brackets today. Dale! This is Frank off the Radio. I'm joined by Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. It's all right, Freddie Mercury did it. Clean it up. Follow the podcast on X and Instagram. You can email the podcast via frankofftheradio.avalonUK.com you can WhatsApp us on 47457 417 769 You're still trying to make that happen that jingle. Yeah, I need to take it home and work with it.

Daytime TV, memorable level of tune, difficult. So listen, today is a historic day for me. Why? Have I got married again? No, I haven't got married yet. I got divorced. Right. I've had a phone call from Norris McWhorter.

We're in the book. No, it's almost as significant as getting married, but I was on the tube this morning. Wow. And a young woman offered me her seat. That's the first time that happened. Oh, Frank. Did you take it? I didn't take it. I actually had a bit of a laughing fit but there was tears in there somewhere. I mean I thought, I looked in the mirror this morning and thought, you know what, you haven't had much sleep. I said, I mean, you look pretty good, got on the tube.

Already I was, you know, being antagonized because I did a thing this morning called the podcast show. Oh, yes. Which is like a sort of a big event, like a podcasters convention. Yes. So, I had to get there, no cars,. So I had to get there, no cars supplied. I had to get there. And in order to get there on time, I had to get on the tube before 9.30 and we all know

what that means. What did you do? I couldn't use my freedom pass. I had to pay. So already I was distressed and then someone offered me their seat. I thought, what's happening to my dad? The irony as well is that on the very journey in which you weren't allowed to take advantage of being of pensionable age, you were treated as if you were of pensionable age.

Yes, exactly. Terrible irony. Yeah, you got all the indignities and none of the benefits. That's it. I was wearing a badge that said mortality on board. You got CSA assorted. Yeah, exactly. What was she like, the lady who offered you?

Was she very young? I don't know what the descriptive words are now. I'd say she's from the Asian subcontinent. Young, probably about 25. 25, okay. Spectacles. Looked really nice. Was very nice about it.

Big smile. Wanna sit down, granddad? She didn't say that. Maybe you can soothe this by saying someone who could well have been from a background with a much more of a tradition of general respect. Exactly. They respect the elders. Yes. Down in the Asian SC.

It's when an English punk starts offering you seats. You think it must be an incredibly sympathetic figure. That'd be a trap. They've just wet the seat when they do that. Oh, Frank. You don't see many punks these days. I miss punks. Do you not go to Camden? But they're more goths. The punks as I knew them. No, no, you get proper punks. Do you?

But the trouble is that- The ones with the glued spikes on the hair. They have cardboard things that say it says like five pounds for a photo, and tourists have their photos took with people in massive mohawks. Yeah, they stand on that little bridge near the lock. Oh, the punks have sold out. Well, it was always a bit like that, wasn't it? Great rock and roll swindle, etc, etc.

So I felt pretty old by the time I arrived at the podcast show where everyone was 12. So I'm on a panel with Harriet Kemsley and Russell Howard. So we're sitting, I had a custard tart, I thought if I'm old I'll bloody eat like it. Come and take a costa tart, let me take out. I really hope they brought you a costa tart and the other two had like regular croissant or something. I had to go and get it obviously, they didn't know who I was. Did you pay for it? God no.

Okay. No, there was a buffet for people who were taking part. Put in talent. So I was chatting, I'd met Harriet before, very nice, I was chatting to her and Russell. And this was a real old man. You know when everyone knows something except you. Oh no. And one of them said, I remember when I got my A-level results and I parked outside the school and I went, who parked? He said, well I parked at... What people? You drove to get your A-level. You drove to get your A-level

and they're all going, yeah, most people drive to get... Honestly, it was like I'd heard news from another world. People drive, they're driving. And I was saying stuff like, where do you get your money from for a car? Where do you get your car from? Everyone looked a bit awkward. Oh, did they? That is rather unusual.

I didn't know that was a thing. No, they tell me everybody. I mean, I grew up in London's glittering North London. And even I didn't know anyone that had a car to drive together with us. Well, as I've told you before, I grew up in the West Midlands and when my sister went out with a man who had a car, which was a second hand Mini, the whole family went out the house to have a look at it. We just walked around in that.

Yeah, but as you recall, Frank. We didn't go inside, don't get me wrong. No. They also said your brother had lost touch with himself because he bought a toothbrush. Yeah that's true. That makes a lot more sense of all those 1950s American things where it's like Cindy wants to go with him because he has a car. Yeah. That would always be the... Did you drive to get your island? Oh you were probably driven Pierre. Yes I was, I received them from my... Did hives. Hives, that was his day.

And delivered by a walrus. A valet. A valet told me of them when I was on to toilet. Oh, you say valet? If you're very old fashioned. Yes, it is valet. Like Jeeves is a valet. He's a valet, yeah. A gentleman's gentleman. I don't feel so bad now about fillet of fish. I think I could drive from when I was...

The Isle of Man is rural enough that they think, you know what, if you can drive a tractor, fine. So I could drive at 16 legally. And I started learning when I was 15. So I did drive around in an old Ford Focus. It's a different world. Yeah. drive around in an old Ford Focus. It's a different world. It's a road wide enough for a sheep, it's still a two lane road.

Enjoy. Well, we were sitting under this big black and white poster, which was like the podcast show poster. And I was trying to see, just to make myself feel even older, how many people I could recognise. And somebody in a light-hearted fashion, we started naming a few people, and someone said, okay, so who's the dog? And I said, actually I know the dog, that's Ray. And it was a picture of Emily and Ray.

They were absolutely, that was my golden moment. I actually knew the dog but not most of the people who were podcasting. Oh I'm so glad to have gifted you that moment. Did you know you were on that poster? No but that's very exciting. What is, then the poster is just a welcome to the podcast well, I started in the bottom right hand corner where there was like Gary Neville and Rio Ferdinand and like some people I knew And then it got very hard. I'm not suggesting that they aren't

Fine podcast is my own ignorance rather than their success But yeah, somebody thought this would be a funny lie. Okay, it was the dog. Do those guys have a podcast? And you actually, yeah. Who? Gary Neville and Rio Ferdinand? Well, they were on the podcast poster. So they're better.

Yeah, everybody's got a podcast. What are you talking about? Yeah. That's true. God, I'm going to make some time in my day to not listen to whatever podcast they do. Okay. Couldn't have less interest. I'm gonna make some time in my day to not listen to whatever podcast they do. Oh, okay. Couldn't have less interest. Well, I was asked... I had to do a social media on what's the funniest podcast I listen to.

What did you say? Really, I... Oh, God, here we go. The edits of my own one. I feel ill. I always feel ill when I hear about things like this. I said, well, the only podcast I listen to on a regular basis is called the Rosary in a year. You didn't Frank. Frank that's not what they're looking

for. For me that's the gut-busting side-splitting. It's Father Mark Mary Ames. Was he on the poster at the podcast? He didn't get the poster. Was he on a piece of wood where he'd been painted with a halo behind it? Do you know what? No, there was a fresco of him. Yes, yes, yes. He was in plaster. What did you say then? Did you honestly say that at the podcast show?

Well, I said it on the social media thing, but they probably weren't. On TikTok it's good. Oh, I did say it. Actually, I did say it on the panel. No one seemed to know the rosary in the year. it's good. Oh, I did say, actually I did say it on the panel. But then that is... No one seemed to know the rosary in a year. That's weird. That is the funniest podcast you listen to though, because it's the only one.

So it's the funniest and the saddest and the cleverest and the strangest. I listened to some of Mary... I managed to scratch one out called I Fanboy, which is a comic book. What's that Welsh? No, I fanbite. You fanboy. Oh I see, more of a Spartacus vibe going on. By the way, that James Bond film, Live and Let Die, wasn't Welsh. Do you know, I realised that as soon as I turned it on. It went straight off. Everyone's a Guinness baby, that's the truth. Oh, so anyway, I went there, I was on a panel and it was enjoyable.

Do you think people liked you? Did you go down well? Erm, I've got laughs. Oh, that's good darling, well done. It's all that matters in the end. They, I'll tell you what was particularly satisfying. The first question was why are comedians so good at podcasting? And what did you say? And I said, well I think the good thing, if you, in a dressing room or in a non-professional situation

with comedians, you find how funny they really are. Not all comedians, some of them you find how shit they are. But a lot of people, a lot of them are just, when you're sitting around with them hanging out, it's funny. When me and Pierre was in the tour car, there was some great stuff knocking around. Anyway, most of it's probably in his Edinburgh show. Anyway, so I said, you know, there's that. I said, so I think if you, it's just being relaxed and just being yourself. I said, like, for example, let's

say for example on this panel, you'd given us water. I think you'd have found, because there was no water on the desk, that would have been more relaxed and eventually... Why do you have to complain? It's so embarrassing! There's no water for a panel! I know but why do you make a comment on the panel? It's water! Me and my starry demands! I know but... Anyway, the great thing was...

It makes me so cringe when you do that. man. Anyway, the great thing was after about 10 minutes a woman came up to the stage with just one cardboard cup of water for me. Nothing for Harriet or for Russell, which made me very happy as you can imagine. Why did I savor that water? For example? I was going, oh, this is so refreshing. I'm so bantery now. Yeah. For example, if you'd have had water.

I spilled a bit as well. And Russell Howard said you're throwing it about. I'm like a lottery winner. If water was what you won on the lottery. Did Russell Howard get water? No, none of them. None of them. Okay.

Not even the lead. Just me. Just you. Because of your indirect complaint technique. Speaking in hypotheticals. Frank Skinner's indirect complaint technique. I love that. The White Chocolate Macadamia Cream Cold Brew from Starbucks is made just the way you like it.

Handcrafted cold foam topped with toasted cookie crumble. It's a sweet summer twist on iced coffee. Your cold brew is ready at Starbucks. One thing we've sat around after the last podcast on Waste Ground with Sherry. No water to be had. And roll-ups. And we said, look, we're not giving enough attention to our lovely readers, so we should see what's happening, what you've sent us, because we don't need to stop us sending stuff that would be awful. Well exactly and I have to say we couldn't possibly get through them all because there

were so many of them but we had so many lovely missives Frank congratulating you on your nuptials. Hundreds of the things. It was a real... Oh me nuptials Mr Owens. Yes. It was a real monarcharchs post bag. Thank you so much for those. They were lovely. And the woman who said she cried. I love that. That wasn't Kath. Andy?

I saw the quote. There's a lot of quotes from this podcast in the newspapers. I'd sworn a lot. I think subliminally I was thinking I'm married now, I better show I'm still a bit rebellious and colourful. A bit crazy. Swear a bit more than, yeah, it hasn't held me back. Was it like when Richard Mayley had you and David on this morning and he wanted to prove he was a bit of a lad and he swore and David said, he said doesn't it piss you off when people say call you a lad and David said Richard you swore on this morning. Oh, they've brought him back down to earth. Okay so Andy has got in touch. Frank please don't think I'm being over

familiar when I wish you and Kath my heartfelt congratulations. Lovely. Because by my reckoning you're the 42nd couple I've congratulated in this way since January alone. Yes, I'm a registrar and celebrant. Ah. During the week, I was heading to a rather smart venue to officiate at a wedding. I stopped at a newsagent and spotted something I'd only ever heard of from you, Frank. Bags of blue heat tackies. Oh, Frank. Bags of blue heat tackies.

Oh wow. I hastily grabbed a bag to wolf down in the car. They certainly lived up to their fiery reputation. So much so, in fact, I barely got through half the bag. Five minutes before the ceremony, as I interviewed the bride, neither she nor her father could keep their eyes on mine. Something I put down to wedding nerves. It was only after heading to the ceremony room that my colleague asked me if I'd looked in the mirror recently. Was it purple lips? A quick dash to the loo revealed the full horror. The entire length and width of my

tongue had been dyed a deep, vivid blue. And with 150 wedding guests waiting expectantly, there was no time to do anything about it. On this occasion my usual scripted introductory words of welcome to the assembled guests concluded with something blue and I stuck out my tongue. Oh that's brilliant. Thank you. Absolutely brilliant. And Andy says thank you so much for that. That would have gone down much better than the Smurf Connie Lingus joke I was thinking of.

What is wrong with you? I'm saying a joke that wouldn't have worked. And would have been blue. It would have been very blue. That's fantastic. An entirely blue tongue is very... Where are you all coming from? The usual place.

Was that what the Smurf Papa Smurf was? That was Papa Smurf's the Smurfs, Papa Smurf, are? That was Papa Smurf's hit single. What was Papa Smurf's role? Was he a guardian, a foster parent? Well, this is, I'm afraid this only unfolded recently. No, I think he was a village elder. Did Papa Smurf have a topless or was he topless? I think he was topless. He was topless.

You know when you see old men topless at the beach. There's 20 children. And it's like really deep orange. It's like elephant hide but deep orange. Oh it's like Italian fashion designers like Valentino. Yeah. Very old handbags. Yeah.

Swearing and drinking tins of increasingly warm lager. A single blue tongue is very early Star Trek alien, isn't it? We've got enough budget to dye your tongue blue and that's going to be what the aliens are like on this planet. Next season we're hoping to get some nobly head bits. For anyone looking for tacky advice, I think fuento is the hottest of the tackies. Now whatever they say about super blue things, I still think fuento. Susie from Beckles has said, I'm just wondering why Frank is not on honeymoon.

Congratulations to him and his new bride, but shouldn't they now be sunning themselves in Toro Malinos? Well, beach holidays are, I would put them up there with ketamine abuse and homelessness as three of the worst things that modern society faces. How anyone can sit on a beach and think this is what I want to do with my dad. I mean why do you hate the beach dad? What about reading on a beach? You can read one of your... I can read at home. Yeah. I've got more books at home. You can read one of your little poetry books. I know, use my own toilet. That is true. Well yeah but I think this is also because you don't like the sea. Oh well I don't swim, that's true, not very well anyway. Not brave enough to go in the sea.

So there's not much... Amidst Leviathan. You've been listening to that podcast. No, I know what you mean. Oh, come on. I mean, I know someone who goes on beach holidays and she's shown me her holiday photos. They're all from the recliner. You know what I mean? She has not even walked around the beach. Oh, that's true. What do people do on there? Just sit there.

Well, I went away myself recently on... It wasn't a beach holiday. It was a villa holiday. We were in a villa, but it was that sort of holiday. It was doing a lot of lying around in the sun. You would have absolutely hated it. I would have. Look, I've got 99 ideal holidays and a B check one. It's very good actually. I'll give you that. Thank you.

Well, speaking of that sort of thing, we've heard from Simon, but it's... Speaking of that sort of thing. Well, hold onto your hat. Dear Frank, Emily and Pierre, praise your redacted. This is Simon of Islamabad, not Simon of Sudbury. No, Islamabad. I know. Where is Islamabad?

It's Pakistan. Is it in? Simon of Islamabad. This is a very late response to Frank's excellent bath court quip. Oh God, it is a light response. Yes That was Frank's but can we remind people? Well, I went out with a woman in Birmingham very lovely blue eyes But anyway, you just got married don't get wistful. Yeah. Well this didn't last very long at all because She lived in

What was then I think now it might be student accommodation What was then quite a rough block of flats or she lived near it and she, I think now it might be student accommodation, what was then quite a rough block of flats or she lived near it. And she said, I live near Bath Court. And I said, the problem with Bath Court is the residents spend rather more time in the latter than they do in the former. And she said, where's the latter? And then I knew that there could be no future for our relationship. Well, yeah. So in response to that, Simon of Islamabad says, not in the same league, but an Irish friend of mine living in Madrid, Colum, introduced me to his new Spanish girlfriend, Pilar.

Okay. So it's Colum and Pilar. I laughed, they look confused, and I told them they must be fine, upstanding people. That's very good. That's funny that happened in Corinth. No, but that's very good. They still look confused, I left it there. So, stony ground, I'm afraid. Oh wow, I hope there weren't tears on my pillow. Frank, we've also heard from Dan Hooper. Hi Frank, the other day I

was busy doing some household chores whilst half listening to your podcast. I was slightly distracted. Thanks. It gets better. I was slightly distracted as I was awaiting the delivery of my best scripted podcast award from the Golden Loaves. I had been assured the award would be with me in due course. Dan Hooper has put that in quotation marks. I imagined cradling it whilst reading the brochure about all the other awards that took place that night. Suddenly I realised that my award is currently in your house. No it isn't, they didn't let me take it away. Van Hooper continues. Okay sorry. So I wanted to say hello. I'm the Welsh

bloke who won an award for my show. He's giving it a plug I think we'll let him. Yeah. Harford and oral history. It sounds, I have to say, like the sort of podcast I could get into. Sounds very you. Which FYI, The Guardian described as brimming with dry wit and unlikely twists. I couldn't make it, and I sent a video instead, we saw the video, didn't we?

Hearing your account of the night almost made missing the ceremony worth it. Thanks for keeping my award safe, Dan Hooper. Yeah, I have to say Dan I handed it back immediately. Don't worry I haven't received my in inverted commas award either because they're still making it. Can I say before you get too excited about The Guardian they also reviewed reviewed The Richard II I saw. What did they say?

They said a revelation, three stars. Oh. What? Why so tight with the stars, Guardian? What was revealed that it was 40% shortfall in its goodness. Oh, well that's lovely to hear from him. Oh yeah. You know what, I'm actually going to try that podcast. It sounds like...

I think we should, guys. I like to try that podcast. It sounds like... I think we should guys. I like a labour of love. I don't mean sex workers. I mean, I like the idea that... I bet he's very passionate about... Half of the North history. Yeah, I think we should. Let's give it a go. And scripted as well. I mean, that's a lot of work to put in. Yeah. We wouldn't put that... For a podcast.

We wouldn't put that... For a podcast! We wouldn't put that level of work in, let's face it! No. I put a bit of work into my poetry podcast. Yeah, you do. Okay, no, I've said it. Try that out, Dan. I do some Welsh people, I think. There you go. Frank979 says, if you were going to recommend a biography to me, who would you choose? Oh, that's a good one, isn't it? I've got two.

Well, you do yours first. Let's do it. You know, because it's a bit like I'm pointless when you're asked first and you're looking at the others thinking, you fuckers, you've got like three minutes to think of your answers. Yes, that's true. Yeah, you're good. No wonder you're coming up with Guatemala. Yeah, I would say number one Martin Amis experience

If you haven't read I'm gonna go there and say what one of the best biographies I've ever read I'm gonna tell you something that will appall you I've never read any Martin Amis really. I'm not appalled just surprised start with experience and Number two you're going to have to close your ears. I got the alphabetical order thing and I thought I'll start at the end. I love that. Can you close your ears? I'm going to say Pierre, I would put Frank's up there as well. Would you agree?

I would. I read it when I was young. When I was writing a book I was told that they would actually send that book out to celebrity authors. I am listening by the way. I know. To say this is how it should be done. It's hard to put your fingers in your ears when you're wearing headphones. This is what you...

Don't interrupt me. Okay. This is what you should be aiming for. This is what you need. So you should definitely read that one. Okay. Yeah, you're back in the room now Frank. But that's an autobiography, does that count?

Why are you quibbling? I've just praised you. No, no, that was lovely. Okay. That was lovely. Just take the praise. Okay. I'd say that counts. But biography, no, you are technically absolutely right Frank. I've mentioned autobiographies. No, well, I'll tell you what I really did love if you actually want to know. And actually, Emily bought me this and it's a biography of a poem. It's a biography of The Wasteland by T.S. Eliot. Oh, I remember this. Yeah, that is a brilliant book. And a big old feller as well, if I remember correctly. It's not that massive.

What? T.S. Eliot? It rattles. It rattles. He's rather tall? It rattles. He's rather tall. It rattles. I've never heard him describe like that. He made it sound like some rugby player, Bill Beaumont. T.S. the Unit Eliot.

He's a big lad, old Tom, isn't he? Oh, you don't want to shove T.S. Eliot out of the way at a bar. Let me tell you. Well, funnily enough, my father did refer to him as Big Tom. I think that was in terms of his literary influence. Literary shadow. Yes. As opposed to his massive neck.

I think Bertrand Russell referred to him as a big eunuch. Sorry, that's the most literary joke I've ever done. Bertrand Russell had an affair with Eliot's wife. Yes. I'll tell you what, Frank, there'll some gaforing in Daunt Books this week. Just listening to the Frank Skinner podcast this week. Well, maybe they'll smile a bit less when I point out that they've got the worst system of book selling I have ever seen. What? Daunt Books? Yeah. whoever thinks, oh I'd love to read a book about the East Pacific. Have you ever been in there? Their bookcases are in geographical order. So it says things like South East Asia and you think, no that's not how I buy my books. Unless I'm getting a travel book.

They do it by zone? Yeah, they do it by geography. What? In all the dawns. I know this. Well, the dawns I've been in. Okay, okay, interesting. I'm trying to find the name of the one I'm going to recommend. Oh God, I can't find it in my little diary. Let me share this while you're looking. Um, 594, Frank, have you seen the new PG Tips advert? Frank will hate it. The monkey who was living with Johnny Vegas is now in a relationship with Emily Atak? Oh, yeah.

Anyway, have you seen this, Frank? The Vegas monkey is going, isn't, they're like married or something, in the advert. Are they married? I haven't seen it. So does the monkey heart attack? Heart attack! Yes I know you don't have to say it again Frank. Is Vegas still doing the voice or do you think they're using a sound block? I hope not. Why? It's this one thing that makes my throat hurt. It's here in Johnny Vegas. Honestly I start, I feel it. I'm going... Makes your throat hurt, does it, Frank? Oh!

I have someone like that, and he's... It's a man who does the SES, like, are you chopping off... You know those ones? He's called Sean something, and when I hear his voice, he comes on, he goes, three recruits, and I go, oh! And I turn it off immediately. But it makes me do it, that's what I don't understand. Have you got that thing as well sometimes where someone sounds like they really need

to and are about to clear their throat, but they never do? Oh, it's unbearable. They've got something in there. See, that's giving me the thing there. It's the worst. I'm going to recommend Karl Marx by Francis Wein. You are having a lot. The last one I read, it's long. You're going to learn a lot about the Rhinocerosite tongue, whether you like it or not. Yeah, but at least

you two have done the right thing. You're both right. You chose biographies. I got it wrong. I chose autobiographies. It's quite bad. Oh, no, that's fine. Okay. But I do love that. I do want to read them. You know what it all comes under in my categorising life. Oh life, oh life. That's what biographers would have been called. Life. What's your favourite life book? If music be the food of love, talk into this radio cassette player. Right, what did he tell you? Stay out of the black, keep in the red, there's no room in this game for two in a bed. Yeah. Gary R. He would only have three sums, Tim Bowie.

Oh, we don't know that Frank. We don't know it. Trebles as he called him. I don't think that's true, is it? I've no idea. He had a Rolls Royce. Anything's possible on the sexual front. And plenty of microwaves to get out.

I think it might have been pre-microwave. Really? It was. I like 70s celebrity and buying Rolls Royce shots. Crockpot. Crockpot. Top loading water. Gary R has got in touch. Good day Emily Pierre and Frank.

And he uses that not in the Australian. Is it Gary R the cook with the spiky hair? Do you remember him? No Gary Rhodes. Is he still with us Gary Rhodes? No I believe he's not with us. Okay. I thought with his family. Yeah. Um. I have forks. Hank, don't ruin that. Okay, alright, alright. It's just going quite well. And then you say something silly like that. I didn't know he'd, I didn't know. You did know and you shouldn't say. I didn't know he was dead. Don't say it. After I told you, you said our forks are with his family. Well, it's a little bit disrespectful. He was a colourful character, he wouldn't have minded. Okay, that's enough said. Good day, Emile Pia and Frank. I sit in a niche Venn diagram of being a big fan of Frank. Sorry about that, that slipped out, but it's relevant. That's all right. And a fan of Stephen Wilson. Oh.

I've assumed its niche as the only other person I'm aware of in the vent is Kath. Yeah. To be honest. Well she's certainly like Stephen Wilson. To be honest. I've seen Frank live way more than Stephen but Tuesday night at the London Palladium, has that just been? Yeah. Yeah. It's frankly a rather lovely thing to look forward to. Anyway, I'm an undemonstrative soul and certainly no heckler, but every urge in me wants to loudly and proudly celebrate Frank and Kath's very recent Camden nuptials. I shan't because Kath would hate it, but the thought is there. Sending all praise redacted, congratulations silently from the stalls you were being wished last night by Gary R.

Well that's lovely. So I did the gig, I supported Stephen Wilson. How was it? He was a bit of a musical cult hero guy. I didn't really like him. Oh no, why not? I just didn't think, I didn't, there was a woman in the front row when I walked on. You know when I talked the other week about us watching the snooker and they had a shot

of everyone applauding except one bloke. Well the female equivalent of that was in the middle of the front row last night. So everyone clapped except this woman. Not only that but she looked at me. What was it? Like I was a well-known sex case. And she was a woman of about, I'd say late 50s, dyed red hair and she just scaled. I tried to engage with her in Ascets. Man, she, it was, I hadn't before I'd said anything, when I walked on, was just oh man so it really it dragged me

I couldn't see anyone else in the they were all in soft focus yes but she was sharp oh boy was she sharp. Oh but that can throw you can't it one person it shouldn't matter no but it does. But middle of the front row. I actually said to her, her bloke with her, is your home life alright? Which is probably a bit... And he went, yeah, yeah. He lied. Anyway, so that... Also, I was a bit rusty and in a gig. I'll put it this way, I said to Kath, look, if it goes badly, I'll just go straight home. And did Kath go? Kath went because she loves it. So she's in the audience yeah and there's a seat

next to her which is mine but I said if it goes badly I'll just go straight home and I got I walked off stage and I got to the point where left was the exit and right and I stopped. She's my wife, she's my wife, I better go. Oh, that's a nice way. So I went and sat and I, I know I didn't look at anyone in the eyes. But she said, why did you come back? It wasn't so bad. Didn't expect to see you. She'd actually given the seat to someone halfway through my act.

So it was, yeah, it was a bit, you know. Oh, fine. So it was, yeah, it was a bit, you know. Oh, fine. The good thing is, is his music has lots of long instrumental passages, so that gave me a chance to sit and relive the gig over and over and over in my mind. Do you think it's partly to do with, is stand-up an odd sort of opener in some ways for a musical gig or? Look, it went, like I said, it went well enough for me to stay, so it wasn't a, you know, it wasn't

a disaster. What, you mean villagers weren't chasing you down the road with flaming torches? No, and it goes, you know, there was laughs and stuff, but I wasn't on top form. Okay. This woman, it was like she was a black hole that I was disappearing into, do you know what I mean? Yeah. She wasn't black, can I point that out in case anyone thinks

that's a bit out of the question? But yeah, she did spoil my night, but I bet I'm not the first person she's done that for. Have you, were you front of cloth or was there sort of instruments and things around you? No, there was lots of instruments behind me. I don't like that. Oh, I didn't mind you.

I'm not making excuses. I just, you know, considering I hadn't done it for a bit and I did a lot, I did new material about the actual show and about prog rock. Right, and did they like that? They seemed to like that, yeah. But... The Kath, how did she think it went?

She's quite honest. She said to me something like, you seemed a bit nervous. Oh. I know what that means. She hasn't said that for a few years. So I also think afterwards I went to the after show and she said, God, I'm so embarrassed. And I thought she meant because I died on my ass and now I was at the after show.

But what actually, I was carrying my rider. So I was at the after show with three bumper bags of crisps, a bottle of orange juice and in my pocket I had a Brussels sprouts. What? What? Well, someone had researched. Is this some sort of very obscure saint's day thing? Like pinning a daffodil on your lapel.

Brussels sprouts in your pocket? No, I'm making a model of a rabbit with myxomatosis and I'm using that under the skin. Did you have Brussels sprouts in your pocket? Well what happened? Or were you just happy to see me? No, no, no. Now what happened is the guy who does the dressing rooms was a very nice man who gave Buzz a fantastic Metallica tour jacket. He had read somewhere or heard me say that I liked cheese and Brussels sprout sandwiches. So he'd put

a cheese sandwich in the fridge and the Brussels sprouts, but I had nothing I could boil them in so I have to take them home. I would have smelled fragrant in the venue. Yeah, it wouldn't have smelled any worse than my act. You could at least have breathed on the front row. Yes. But I tell you, when I look back on the night, I sat down, I'd written up this set, because I was doing some old stuff, some new stuff, all in a different order, I had to get some

remembering done. So I'd written it up in this notebook and it was the first pages in what I'm seeing as the new comedy to all the next comedy I'm going to write notebook. And I don't know if you remember but when I was in the Isle of Man, my gig went so badly that I bought an Isle of Man notebook and I thought this will be a tremendous incentive to me to work harder. It's like a memento mori notebook. So when we sat, I got in the dressing room, I thought I need to go through my act. I took out the notebook and there was the Iron Man crest on the front.

What it actually made me feel was, I mean I'm not exaggerating this, not down or mis, it made me feel desperately alone. I don't know why I've never, I felt so just alone. And I thought I can't use this book at gigs, it's such a de-incentiviser. Haunted. Oh man. Alone in that sense of like, only I am here and only I am in charge of what happens to only me. Just alone. In a sort of romantic poet sense. Alone, alone, all alone, alone

on an open sea. I think I've slightly paraphrased Coleridge, but there you go. At least you had your Brussels sprouts. So it was out in Brussels sprouts. Pocket full of Brussels sprouts, lovely bottle of orange juice. Every cloud. Exactly. But a strange ache in my shoulders of failure. It's Frank of the Radio, Frank of the Radio, Frank of the Radio. It's the Frank Skinner Podcast, don't you know? Thanks for listening to the podcast.

Make sure to like and follow so you never miss an episode. And if you want to get in touch, you can email the podcast via frankofftheradioatavalonuk.com.