The Frank Skinner Show - Bingo Confession

Episode Date: August 25, 2025

Zoe Lyons joins the team again this time. There's middle age milestones, Catholic shade, manly men and eggs. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Bank more oncores when you switch to a Scotia Bank banking package. Learn more at scotiabank.com slash banking packages. Conditions apply. Scotia Bank, you're richer than you think. It's Frank off the radio, featuring him and that posh radio, and the one with the French name from South Africa came. They're all here open racketeeret terrain. Those brackets today.

This is Frank Off the Radio. I'm joined by Emily Dean and Zoe Lyons is with us today. I wish I had a lion-roaring jingle. Shall I do it? Very, very good. Thank you. It wasn't really, wasn't it? You can follow the podcast on X and Instagram. You can email the podcast via Frank Offder Radio Avalon UK.com.

And now I know Zoe loves these WhatsApp things. Check this out. Oh, seven, four, five, seven, one, seven, six nine. Oh, seven, four, five, seven, seven, seven, six nine. That was, as far as that can tell, Sigh boys. Yeah, sigh boys. Right.

Syboys, okay. Okay, I liked it. I didn't like that one. Oh, you're not allowed to say that. Aren't I? Well, I'm less fond of it. I'll reframe. It had something of the King Creole and the Coconut.

It immediately put my blood pressure up. Oh, of course. Remember that? Well, I say that because it was something of a phenomenon. It wasn't just a song or a band. There was a whole fashion era going on. Kid Creole, yeah. Kid Creole, was that the Elvis film?

And King Creole? No, King Creole was the Elvis film. Got it. Kid Creole had his coconuts. Exactly. Got it. So here's a thing that happened to me. I was in a Catholic church last weekend.

I'm most weekends it has to be said. I'm not going to say which Catholic church it was for reasons which will become apparent. I'm very invested already. I'm going to try and guess. Have you got the Catholic director? Guess who of Catholic churches? So the priest,

became apparent was, he's leaving in the next week or so. And he's adopted. I was a stranger to the church, so I didn't know anything that's going on. Well, do they give in their notice or something? Well, yeah, they tend to move on to another church. Sometimes it comes from them and sometimes it comes from, well, above. Really? I didn't know God laid people off.

Well, not that far above, but there's, you know, there's a mid-ground. Anyway, he'd clearly adopt you what I can only describe as a scorched earth policy. So I didn't expect any of this. It seemed a very lovely, pleasant church, you know. And it was a hot day, but quite cool in the church. So I thought this is going to be lovely.

It got hotter. He got off and he said, There'll be no confessions this week. And I thought, oh, shame. He said it's interesting when I do confessions. He said often you get people come in and they'll say, yeah, I broke the second, third and eighth commandments. And I thought, I had no idea.

People did it a confession by number. You could just break it down like that. Yeah, I never heard that. I don't like bingo confession. No, but I thought, really? Because obviously you don't know what other people do in this. So that was a revelation. But then he said it's interesting because I think a lot of people

don't know what the Eighth Commandment actually is. Oh, yeah. And I thought, oh, God, if this is going to be a quiz. Banked sinner, stand up. And also they differ a bit from religion to religion, in what order they're in. Anyway, he said, he said the eighth commandment

is though shall not bear false witness. I thought, okay. He says, yeah, it seems to have been forgotten nowadays, especially by a certain group of parishionists who have been criticising me online. Wow, yes. Get him. Oh, my God.

And he said, This is massive tea emoji. He said, yeah, I've had this all the time I've been here, actually. He said, let's, for example, how lovely and cool it is in the church there. And I thought, well, it is cool. Yeah. He's right, I noticed that. He said, that's because we got those shades on the windows.

Because people wrote to me and said, it's so hot in the church in the summer, I can't even go. He said, so we put those shades off. Now I get emails saying, it's very gloomy in the church. He said, I can't win. Oh, my goodness. Now you know how, our Lord Jesus felt. Yeah. Well, he did a bit of that.

Oh, no. Because he compared himself to the boss. To Jeremiah being thrown into the disused cistern, which was the reading earlier in the mass, the Old Testament. Jeremiah, they decided he's a prophet. They decided he was troublemaker. So they dropped him into like this big sewer. thing to shot him up.

And he compared himself with that. Did he? Did he literally say, I can't win? Yeah, he did. And he said people have said to me there's a shortage of social events here. And I say to them, you organise a social event? I'll publicise it.

What happens? Nothing. And he said, though I did notice there's a Kaylee being held two days after I leave. I'm sure there'll be a lot of singing and dancing at that. And I thought, wow, wow. Then we got to the press. Yeah.

How were people reacting? Was there a definite atmosphere? Well, I was looking around because I thought surely someone will go, you know. Yeah. He said, but no one was seen to be responding. So I thought there must be people in here who are parts of that online. Well, there must be some people who complained about the gloomy shades, for example. Yeah, exactly.

But there's a bit where they call the bidding prayers where you pray for the sick and you pray for the bereaved and you pray for the... Eventful. Yeah, no, he said, I prays for the Catholic Church and he said, mate be happy and a supportive place, not full of division and backbiting. Wow. I'd go to church more if I knew this was going to kick off like me. This sounds like the greatest entertainment ever.

I mean, it was... When I went outside, you know when you go outside the church, or maybe you don't know, the priest is outside shaking. He wasn't out there. He wasn't. He just, he'd got out the tradesmen. He didn't do his own court. Elvis has left the building.

Did he mic drop? He should have mic drop. I'm talking to you, Maureen. I mean, it was quite an old congregation. I was one of the few people who actually knelt at any point. The rest just sat. They'd given up. But, I mean, it was like,

It might have been at a family argument. Yeah. Yeah. But, you know, I... Well, it sounds like, do you think he's... So he's being moved on without his consent for that? Well, I don't know if he is. Sounds like...

Because he said a thing. He said, when I came here, I explained that the church was going to become a PLC. He said, but there's people constantly online saying that the money's being misspent and... Sorry, this sounds all a bit business-oriented. I don't go to church there about PLC and managing buyout. I just want to pray. The art of the deal. People now say it's very gloomy in here.

It does sound a bit trumpier. I've probably been to that church over the years, like half a dozen times. It always seems a very genius. He seemed very genius. We won't locate it. I think I know the one you mean. It's a lovely church, is all we'll say. Let's not locate it.

But, I mean, it was quite, when I got out of there, I felt like I'd been at a boxing match. But there was another priest recently who left his post, and it was on the radio, and he left a scathing letter to his congregation. But at least it was a letter there. It was very recently. It was only like a month ago, and it was about backbiting and bitching and having a go and being... I love this.

It's a trend. So hot right now. Priests are getting knocked. I'd say what is I think in the old days when there was loads of priests, there'd be two or three priests at a church, and they were company. They could do all this gripe into each other. And that was a support.

But no, it's quite a lonely... Is it just one priest's a church? Well, sometimes it's one priest dealing with about three churches and having to drive around on a Sunday morning doing one mass in each. And I think they probably think no one has noticed that they're working really hard, and it's a lonely difficult job.

They're just online slacking them. Of course, you know... It must be so hard. Our priest was really cool when I was growing up His name was Father O'Brien But there was no social media then No, there wasn't, he used to go out for a pint with my dad Every now and again

Our priest was very cool as well But then to be fair Is it a priest? A bit C of E, Frank Is it still be called a free? We called him Vicar, reverie. But then he did live in Coleridge's old house Oh, did it? It came with St Michael's Church

So I'd be cool if I lived in that house Didn't make mass move in there afterwards? She lived next door. Oh, she lived next to George Michael, yeah. Oh, it wasn't a nice place to live. And your hoody men are in? He had them all. Really?

Yeah. Do priests still get houses? Yeah, they get a house. They get nice houses, but as soon as they moved on, obviously, they're, you know. Well, maybe this is what's, maybe this is what's going on here. We had Father O'Dowardy when I was a kid. And he had the most broad Irish accent. When the Catholic Church, which.

from Latin to English. Nobody noticed it. And he would be like this. And Jesus said, Oh, the Apostles, everybody, Herod, and you just get the odd word out of it, and we have to put it together. Anyway, enough.

But this was, I got back, and Kath always says to me, oh, I was church. Not really interesting. I said, sit down. Yeah. I'll tell you. Wow.

So I'll be, look forward to finding out. what the opt-shot is. But if he's leaving, I don't suppose it matters. It's enough to make me start going to church. Yeah. Well, is this going to be his final week? I think he said he had another week.

Part two. I bet he takes a shades with him. Part two, this time it's personal. He threw some shade. Yeah. This episode is sponsored by Shopify. If you've shopped online, chances are you've bought from a business

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And did I mention that iconic purple shop pay button that's used by millions of businesses around the world? It's why Shopify has the best converting check. on the planet. Your customers already love you. If you want to see less cards being abandoned, it's time for you to head over to Shopify. Sign up for your £1 per month trial and start selling today at Shopify.co.com.uk slash frank. Go to shopify.com.com.com. UK slash frank. Anyway, Zoe Lyons is in the show. How's your life, Zoe Lyon? You know, it's just endless excitement, Frank.

Oh, fantastic. I thought you're going to say it's just endless. It's just endless. It's just endless. Well, they're supposed so. I've clearly reached another, I'm going to say, middle-aged lifestone. Lifestone.

Is that the right word? Milestone. Milestone, thank you. Yeah. Nilestone. I like the idea of a lifestone. Lifestone. Why?

Yeah. I've done probably the gayestown. Brighton thing I've done for a while. What did you do? I bought a camper fan. Is that quite good? Camper than your previous one. It's Camper than my previous fan.

What colour? Oh, it's quite cool, actually. It's graphite grey. That is cool. Yeah. Graphite grey. Is it a VW? It's not a VW.

It's because I don't subscribe to the VW set. I don't. I've gone strong ford. For some reason. I mean, you know, it's been a long time the war. Yeah. I won't let it go. I won't let it go.

No, no, I don't know. There's certain things I can let over that. You wait until that whole anti-Hitler thing blows over. Yeah, you've got another 10, 15 years ago. Not that long to wait at this country, the way it's going. It worked very well for Volvo. Yeah, there's Swedish. They're Swedish, which is why they were hugely popular for a long time.

Yeah, makes sense. Anyway, yeah. No, I've gone for a strong Ford. Oh, okay. So I've been camping in France in my van. it's a funny thing camping because we got really excited about it and then you're doing it and then you go

I've got a house I could be in my house yeah well I think that every holiday yeah yeah do you yeah even in the hotel oh wherever yeah it's not as good at home is it because you have to stick a lot of stuff with you as well

that's the thing it's a lot of stuff well that's what I can't bear is it do you have all that stuff like do you have stoves and that one was that all in the van we've got an inside stove in the van. Oh, you've got to be careful, though. If a place can go up like tender.

And then if you cook anything that's a bit smelly, you've got to use the outside stove because you don't want your upholstery to smell. So then you become, I've got a two-stove van person. I've got two sets of tweezers for cooking. Tweeters? Yeah, like, well, tongs. I've got a whole cutlery and crockery set.

I was sticking the hair out of the food and the bears. It's basically just. I was going, what did you do, pluck the chicken's eye mouth? Just to pluck the chicken's eye valve. We had a nice little trip. I took, I took the wife up the Alsace, which I've always promised me. It's all got a bit, Frank Skinner.

And we're all just paused there. Yeah, it's a lovely part of France. Very nice. Is it Lorraine? Don't bring her into this. That's what it is. It used to be Alsace-Lorraine. Did it? Yes, it was. Because Alsace, is that where the Alsatians are from, Frank?

I think so. No, it is. Al-Satians are from them. Wasn't there a place called Al-Sas-Lan? No, I think it was Alsat. Oh, did they're German? No, because the Alsace flipped between France and Germany. And the reason they called them Alsatians was because I'm afraid there was obviously quite a lot of anti-German sentiment post-war.

And that's why they changed the breed's name to Alsatian. Yes. I found that out whilst we were in the Alsat. Okay. They love a sausage there. Who do? The Alsace. The Alsace people love a sausage. I think it meant Alsatians.

I imagine they love a sausage. The sausage, everything. A sausage. I had the most amazing meal. It was one where I just kept finding secret sausages under just piles of sauerkraut. I was so happy. Give me the name of that restaurant. Yeah.

Exactly. Not very popular with the lesbian community. You wouldn't think, would you? I'm getting straight there on the other hand. I kept finding secret sausage. What a waste on you. Yeah, yeah. Oh, fantastic.

But I did discover, like, it was the first. sort of proper trip we did away. I'm not a huge fan of the camping community toilet blocks. Well, Frank's, Kath, is exactly the same. Yeah, Kath is everything is to do with toilets. Yeah. If she sees like, you know, Greenham Common, the first thing would be, where do they go to the toilet?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, do you mind about that sort of thing, Frank? Because you were very hygienic. I'll go anywhere. I'm surprised as me. You're quite clean for a man.

Yeah, but, you know, I find... For a man. Well, they're often dirty, let's be honest. Frank, I told you, Frank, I told you what Kathy said about you. Very early doors. She said, you know, the one thing I love about Frank, he is absolutely immaculate. I thought it was a lovely compliment. Yeah, we got soap.

Yeah. Yeah. You got some soap. Yeah. That's the other thing with Camper. You've got to get slightly comfortable with not washing for sort of three or... Well, look, me, the last, I went to download festival with my... on. We went two years running and we never entered a shower. No, why would you?

That's four nights. Yeah. Take a wet wipe. Yeah. Yeah. I quite like it. Oh, I quite, because if you don't shower for four days and then you have a shower, you're like, showers are amazing. Whereas if you have a shower every day, you're like showers a bit of an inconvenience. It's something you have to do before you leave the house. But once every four days and you're practically chipping it off. You're like, this is great.

You can wet wipe the whole areas and then leave that by the door. I want to keep that rodents. Yeah. I met a lot of people who were living in their vans, though, as well. Oh, did you? Yeah. I literally living in there. Yeah.

Okay. They tell you with absolute glee. They're like, we've sold up everything and now we're living in the van. Really? Yeah. And my face just went, that sounds awful. I'm always wary of things that people do in order to tell other people they've done them. Yeah.

I refer, of course, to wild swimming and turning down an honour. Oh, yeah. List list. Actually, turning down an honour is top three. You're absolutely right. Yeah, but I think if you're doing something, think it'll be great to tell people I do this, then you should be questioning it.

Yeah. Would you agree? I think most things you think I'd never tell anyone I did this. You just give it yourself. Exactly. Yeah. Let them find out through pop bit. Yeah, I mean, I've never mentioned it.

I'm going to think pop bitch. You're still in operate. Is it something? I think, funnily enough, I was in it in a camping context. There you go. Because me and I couldn't bloody disassemble my pop-up tent. I couldn't get it on-pop it. Frank, I'm not saying they're desperate for gossip,

but Frank Skinner fails to erect tent. Well, it was a very rare, because I've been on PopBitch a few times, but this was actually quite positive. Yeah. What did it say? It said he was really struggling. He couldn't get this tent. Is that one of those ones that you've got to fold it back in on it?

Oh, I hate that. Yeah, and he said his son was looking disappointed at him and he probably was, you want your dad to be able to put away a pop-up. Do you know what a reflection, though? A man came up and, you know, a man, what you want is a man, a proper practical man. One of the sludge monkeys. And he said, I'll do that for you, if you like.

And I have no ego in these things. I'm really glad. I'm a celebrity. I'm glad for someone else to do almost everything. Did you not feel emasculated? No, not at all. Oh, isn't that lovely? No, I felt a little bit superior.

Well, the way, an even finer example of this is that we then loaded up all our camping stuff and our bags and everything on the trolley. Because you need a trolley at festival. Oh, yes. One of those really, do you? Hang on, I didn't know about trolleys. Well, you can't often part that close to your tent.

So you don't want to be carrying all the bags and everything. It's a nightmare. Oh, you pop it in your little. trolley and you drag around. So we put it all in it. Is it like a Sainsbury's thing? No, no. Like a little sort of, I'm going to say

Danish school trolley. I don't know what a Danish school trolley is. Well, the names do trolley really well. You know, the Scandinavian. Like an Ikea one, you mean? Yeah, like a sort of, with a little handle. Four wheels. Okay.

Yeah. So anyway, we loaded it up and I'm tronelling that along. When we get to the gai, it's about, eight inches of mod and I said I don't know we're going to get this trolley and then I thought there was a big roll of thrown away carpet and I thought aha I can lay this like Sir Walter Rale did supposedly for Queen Elizabeth I was with his cloak I can lay this carpet above the mod and then take it over that so I laid it all out and then a man another man

came up and said, can I help? And I said, oh yeah, please. He said, I'm Dan. I said, great. Of course he is the men who help always are. Yeah, and he said, let me help you. I said, I think I've got it now. But yeah.

Oh, a bit defensive. Yeah, so he picked the fucking trolley up and just carried it. Oh, he picked it up in his arms with everything in it. The ambushed just sort of went, oh. Oh. And about. Oh, no. Two years later, I said to a festival, and it might come up and said, do you remember me?

I said, you're Dan? Who picked up my trolley? That's right, Dan. But the whole thing. There was two big bags in it, everything. He just picked it off. That's fantastic. Great.

What a hero. Did he carry it all the way through the festival? Carried it all the way into my car. Did he? Yeah. Which wasn't that far away. Oh, that's taking the absolute rise. No, no.

I would have been happy for me and Buzz to jump. Piny carried us back to North London. Do you know what? It's a very positive quality that, I think, not being threatened by, if you don't mind me saying, the men being a bit brawnier. No, but you know what?

I mean, I've been... Excuse me. We've both done it now. Who's was yours? I festered. Oh, my. I had Jonathan Ross, you had... Oh, he's not...

Okay, so... Yeah, sorry about that, guys. It's all very unprofessional. It's all... We all do it. You see, I put it on. I haven't. Yeah.

No. No. To a... Let's load. Yours is on. He's just that no one calls you. No one calls you. No one calls you. They both...

To air a human to forgive divine, frankly. No, but the thing is with celebrity, I've had like 35 years of being pampered, so I'm really happy for people to come and carry the trolley. Yeah. I don't feel that, you know, I don't feel humiliated by me. I'd have no problem with hiring a man. No?

No, every now and again, I turn to Cindy and I say, The problem with this situation is we need a man right now. Yeah, to lift stuff, sort stuff. They can be hired, of course. Yeah, yeah. Hire a bloke. I know they can. They're available.

Yeah. Yeah. It's just some people are very practical and they can do all that stuff. I can't. I was sitting in my kitchen talking to my... Self. Oh, actually, I'll continue in this topic, talking to my personal assistant. And she said to me, oh, someone's having their car taken away.

You know, there was one of those big trouble with the claw. Yeah. Oh, the claw. And I said, oh, God, yeah. Anyway, the car suddenly appeared above the other cars in the street. Yeah. It was my... Oh, no!

I'm just sitting in my car, it's like chitty-chitty-bang-bang. Which is a thing. Chit-a-titty-banking. Is that where Gow-Gan lived on Tahiti? Hang on, Frank, you're allowed to park on your own street. Now, what had happened is someone was being removed or they were arrived. They'd got dispensation. And there was a yellow sign.

Oh, it's not a yellow sign. I'm sick to the back teeth of those. Off a mile down the road onto a tree branch. It was a total con. Once they've started the evacuation of the vehicle, can you intercept or do they have to be... Sorry, who's this? Working for the council turning up.

The evacuation of the vehicle? It's... I quite like it. But when I first saw it, though... I started evacuating your vehicle, sir. But to look out the window and see your car like 20 feet in the air. That's a low point in your life.

It meant me think, because I don't know what most of the buttons do on the dash. And I thought, does it fly? Do you know who would know, Frank? I'd never picked off on it. It actually flies. You know who would know, Dan. Dan would know.

He'd know your dashboard. Dan, there was no, Laurie. Dan was just lifting it above his head. He'd come around to visit, and he'd just be a bit of a laugh. He said, all right, Pierre. Did they take it away? Well, I went out and it was there on the claw.

You know, it's like if you went on one of those seaside claw machines and won your own car. Yeah. When you say you went out, did you run out and a slightly undignified way and go, oh, what's going on? Were you that man? I didn't run. I was flanking my personal system.

She was leading the way. I let her talk to the men. And what did she say? And the guy said, I was anxious for the car because it doesn't look as good for the car being picked off. No. You know, like when someone has a new baby

and they pass it to someone else, they go, support the head. Support the head. It was like that. I thought, I don't know, this is going to break the car. Was it dangling from the claw? It was just dangling. Oh, that would have scared me.

But I could see right underneath it. And so the guy said, oh, is it yours? And he said, I knew. you live down it? He said, if I'd known that was your house, I'd knocked on the door. I said, hold on, but what happens now? You're not taking it away. He said, now, if it's a residence car, we just move it

to another place on the street. Well, they park it for you with the claw. Yeah, but they didn't park it well, as you can imagine. It's not easy to park with the claw. I mean, it's better than I park normally with the steering wheel, but even so, it was at an angle. They dropped it at an angle. So they don't find you or anything?

Well, as it lowered it, I was just thinking, oh, at last, my car's going to be back on the ground. As it lowered into my line of vision was a ticket, which was beyond. So I had to pay 80 quid. Whoa. I thought the cloak of celebrity got you on. No. Not once, as Zoe suggests, once it's been written.

Yeah. It can't be on written. Is that right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can't unwrite that. I've written it now. Yeah. That's it.

I want to park in one of those yellow things. once that, like, it's been, it was parking dispensation or whatever it was for, um, waterworks. And they finished the waterworks, so I parked my car in it. And then, the traffic warden came along, went, no, suspended parking. I went, yeah, but they've been, and now they've gone, she went, still suspended. And went, no, they've been. You can't, you can't.

And now they've gone, she went, still suspended, spend it, $2.5.30, suspended. You can't raise, and we just. No, no. No, no, it's true. So, yeah, I had to pay 80 quid. And I've spent a week now thinking what I could have spent with 18. Thank God you're so rich. Yeah.

That is thank God you so rich. No, that doesn't make any different. Really? 80 quid for nothing. Oh, yeah. From a hidden sign. So that somebody can move house. Why should I have to park somewhere else for that?

Anyway, there you have it. You know, you're reminding me a little bit of that priest, right? Yeah. Fair enough. May I share something with you? I felt my car, watching my car lowered was like watching Jeremiah lowered into that system. May I share something with you? We have a regular called Ruth Jordan, Zoh.

And we would talk, Frank has a thing about lazy orchestras. Oh, don't we all? Yeah, Frank's like they don't learn it off by heart. No, like comedians, we have to learn it off by heart. Yeah. We don't stand there reading it off sheets of paper. Sometimes, okay, yeah Do we?

Well, some work in progress You're very unusual Frank You go straight off book Whereas some, we'll use an iPad I think it's disrespectful For the audience, is what I think Ruth Jordan Says Frank's issue with lazy, lazy orchestras

Who can't be bothered to learn their music I read this week About the Aurora Orchestra Who's latest performance is called Shostakovich's fifth by heart and the orchestra will be lifted and carried a bit like your claw, Frank. Hope that's not triggering, around the stage by dancers just to stop them cheating and looking at the music.

No, the Aurora Orchestra. This is what got me on this whole thing. It never occurred to me that we all applaud the orchestra who've just been basically reading out loud. And the Aurora Orchestra, they learn this. They learn it. I saw them at the proms a couple of years ago, and it was brilliant.

I think they did the rights of spring. But no music stands or anything. They just did it. Yeah, but you think if you've done it often enough, it would be in there, wouldn't it? It can't be a surprise. Like, if you're the bloke on the symbols of the kettle drums, it can't just be like, oh, Christ, it's me now, but don't.

I mean, you must know when it's... Well, their defence is that they have to do lots of different. Okay. So, you know. May I also show this with you? But I mean, even actors learn they learn. do learn their lines. I love even actors.

Mark from Leeds has got in touch. I'm interested to know if either of you are familiar with this phenomenon. Whilst in a local supermarket recently, one that rhymes with fiddle, I became aware of a phenomenon I can only describe as private, not private. This is when adjacent cashiers hold what should be a private conversation between themselves, seemingly oblivious to the fact that you're there. The conversation the other day appeared to be about Ryan, Cashier No. 1's partner and how he'd let her down.

It ended with, and I quote, So if he thinks he's getting anything on Friday night, he can forget it. This brought on... Something for the weekend. This brought on a commencement of feet shuffling and looking down on my part with a strong desire to get through the till as fast as humanly possible. This has happened to me a few times,

and I always end up thinking, you know, I'm here, right? Have any of you ever experienced this? Praise redacted Mark from Leeds. Well, I was in Marks recently, buying a chicken. Hoity tooty. Yeah. And the woman said, Torn Barco, Gable!

And held this chicken up like Bobby Moore holding off the Dules' Leap Remote. It's horrible. I thought, oh, someone would spill out the chicken. And like I'd, as a sudden, It was a suggestion I felt that I, you know, when people are supposed to change the price labels. But I wouldn't rip the bar code.

Frank, it wasn't a yellow, it reduced it. No, but it wouldn't swipe because it had, I don't know, it had caught on something. Maybe you'd tampered with it. Well, just the label, the barcode. Had you tampered with the chicken? No. Okay.

I'm just checking. Sometimes people tamper. Just checking the chicken. No, but ripping a barcode, what would I gain from that? It's not like if you rip half the barcode, it's half as much. I don't think the barcode is that simple. Well, I bought... It did occur to me that if every zebra...

Yeah. If when you swipe them, you found out that they're patterning said exactly what they cost on the market at that moment to buy that zebra, a lot more people have believed in God. That's quite a thought. something just popped in my head that is quite a thought yeah yeah I do find sometimes

I bought eggs once there you go and I was checking and there's more I was I opened the eggs as you do I like do you check your eggs when you buy them always

which came first the chicken anecdotes or the eggs anecdote well you get as the big bucks do I count my eggs do you check them oh yes It's always good to check them.

They tell you. In fact, I've taken eggs up and the... Take an eggs up? To the... I mean, it's fading now because most people are checking out their own stuff. Yeah. But if there is a lady...

No, just Frank and I. Frank and I, the old codgers. The lady on the till will have a little look, won't she, for you? Exactly. Often they have a look because they don't want to sell you a broken egg. Yeah. Well, I opened my eggs and I looked at them. And I saw...

A tiny dinosaur. No. They looked like... I don't like it when there's feathers. What is this? Yeah. I don't like feathers. I don't think that's enough

to constitute returning them. I think sometimes they leave shit on to make them look more authentic. Yeah. Organic. Is there someone who's dropped that is? Yeah. And if there is no shit on,

they have someone who puts shit on at the factory. Someone there with an orvil costume. Even by Dutchy X, they've got an absolute turd on the top. Math. They have a massive, like, squirty box. You know how you get, like, mayonnaise and tomato ketchup on a burger store? They got that with shit in. And they just put a bit of that on to make it look all gas.

A bit of gravel. It's cheaper than stamping it with the little lion that they used to. I found, Frank, I found a few, one of them looked a little bit. There were smears on it. I think it might be a leaky egg. Right. So I said, excuse me, excuse me. So the egg?

No. Okay. It hasn't got to that stage yet. But I said, excuse me repeatedly. I'd like to take these back. And I showed her the thing. You can't buy those. I said, no, that's what I'm saying.

I'd like to take these back. Look, I'm going to have to call, if you want to buy those, you can't buy those eggs. You're not allowed. Why couldn't you buy them? Because they were smeared. Because they had a smear on them, which showed one of them might have been cracked.

I don't think it was. But it was the fact that I was drawing her attention to it. And she started lecturing me, saying, you can't buy those eggs. You need to take them back in me. Then she called. like another assistant over it. There was like a lot, like the buzzer.

The egg monitor. Have you ever noticed? It's a dying trade, isn't it? Yeah. Have you noticed when you crack a raw egg that one end of the egg has got like an air pocket. What is that?

Oh, yeah. It's like, I think it's where you're supposed to put your boss path. You know, it's like those sections on the end of a hole door where you put your passport. Is it the white winkly skin? Yeah, but I've no idea what it's.

for? And I just think, hold on, I've paid for a whole egg at you. And, you know, this... But that's for the chick to grow into. What, are you joking? That's disgusting. Isn't it? But they're not fertilised eggs, we buy. Hang on. Is that the how they're home? That's their camp of it. That is it? Is it? It must be.

Oh, so you're not saying if... No, I'm not going to put money on it. I genuinely, if someone who knows about these things can tell us, is that little air pop. with the white wrinkly skin over it. Is that the chick's home? What is the vacant compartment from for inside a dirt? Yeah. Yeah.

It's like a granny flat. Yeah, Annex. Yeah, and eggs. And eggs. Yes, exactly. Oh, no, I love an egg. No, I'd love to know the answer to that, actually. By the way, the final episode of this series of my poetry podcast is out on Wednesday.

Sad. Oh. This time it's Jack. Clemo, you know, familiar with Jack Clemonds? I'm not. Jack Clemow was a Cornish man and was absolutely obsessed with the China clay mining industry. And there's loads of poems about that sort of fractured landscape. And there's a bit where there's a big digger that's dripping the white water from the clay onto him.

And he talks about as if it's a baptism. Wow. Fantastic. Nice. Yeah. So anyway, you can download that episode of Frank Skinner's poetry podcast wherever you get your podcasts. That's it.

Zoe, it's always lovely to have you here. We send you back to Brighton now by Campovan. Oh, Zoe. And hopefully we'll see you soon, as applies to our entire audience. It's the Frank Skinner podcast. A new winter change is blowing. It's the Frank Skinner. a podcast. I'm not totally sure how it's going. Thanks for listening to the podcast. Make sure

to like and follow so you never miss an episode. And if you want to get in touch, you can email the podcast via Frank Off the Radio at Avalonuk.com.