The Frank Skinner Show - Capybara Cafe

Episode Date: March 17, 2025

In this podcast Frank was sent on an errand by his mother-in-law which left him feeling very old fashioned and Emily wants the team's opinion on a potential new business idea. Whatsapp us on 07457 417 769 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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An adrenaline rush of a good time. It's a big screen blast. Find a badass. I know, right? Nova Kane, now playing. It's Frank off the radio, featuring him and that posh lady-o, and the one with the French name. We're from South Africa, Kane. They're all here, open brackets, hooray!

Close brackets today. Hey, I'm a real human being, but I don't have a mic. I'm a real human being, but I don't have a mic. I'm a real human being, but I don't have a mic. I'm a real human being, but I don't have a mic. I'm a real human being, but I don't have a mic. I'm a real human being, but I don't have a mic. I'm a real human being, but I don't have a mic. I'm a real human being, but I don't have a mic. I'm a real human being, but I don't have a mic. I'm a real human being, but I don't have a mic. I'm a real human being, but I don't have a mic. South Africa came, they're all here, open brackets, hooray! Close brackets today.

Hey, I'm a real human being but I don't have a mind of my own. This is Frank of the Radio, I'm joined by Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. Follow the podcast on X and Instagram. You can email the podcast via frank of the radio at avalonuk.com. You can WhatsApp us on 07457417769. 07457417769. Our guest today, Kemi Badenoch. Kemi, thanks for coming on. She isn't. We don't have a guest. We're going to get some guests because people have said oh god I wish just another voice on there would help so we are having guests I think we got Widdicombe coming up. Can we establish Josh? Yeah. No not the fair. It's not Anne. We're not bringing the whole fair. Not bringing Anne on. No. Catholic of course. Who is Anne? Yes.

Yes. Okay. But you know, you can't win them all. That's what I say. I was... Who's your favourite high profile Catholic? Me. Who's second? I like Dech.

I like the Pope. What about Dech? Yeah, but is Dech practising? Yeah, I believe so. I don't like these people who say, oh yeah, I grew up Catholic, but I'm not sure about it. I don't call myself, I don't say yes. You literally get so angry about things.

Yes, I'm a schoolboy, actually. What do you mean? I grew up a schoolboy. It's never left me. No, exactly. Yeah, it still has a big influence. Yes, but you're not a schoolboy. You've still got a satchel., but you're not a schoolboy.

Still got a satchel. I'm not saying he doesn't go to church. I'm just guessing he doesn't. He seems like he lives a decent life. I'm sure he lives. I'm not, I mean atheists live decent lives sometimes. Oh, I didn't know you thought that. Occasionally. Except for the verb. It doesn't end well for us, does it?

Well, we'll see. We'll see. So, I was, my mother-in-law was staying with us. Oh, lovely. And I, speaking of church, I go to church obviously on a Sunday morning and I said, do you want anything from the shops? Because I pass the Hampstead Butcher and Providore. So you can pick up lunch on the way back. They sell hot dogs on the street.

Really? Yeah. It's not what it was, right? From 20th New York. Yeah. There's a little boy saying, Xtree Xtree, selling newspaper. Now the problem, you have to go into the shop to pay for them and then come out with a bit of paper saying you've paid for your hot dogs.

So the vendor is positioned on the street? On the street. Are they good hot dogs? They're great hot dogs. Is there a shoeshine boy as well? No, it's very much become a bit of a training shoe area, I'm afraid. So anyway? I was watching football racing and Scott Parker, the Burnley...

You know I'm obsessed with Scott Parker. Scott Parker had the shiniest black shoes on and a suit trousers and a tie and then a puffer jacket on the top. It was the worst combination of things I've ever seen. He's been searching for his look for a while. Well. And I think he... He ain't found it yet.

That combo to me says, I managed this small office building, but I'm going outside for a cigarette. Yeah, exactly. That's exactly the look. It looks awful. Well said, sir. So, my mother-in-law, I said, do you want anything? She said, will you get

me a Sunday Times? And I thought, what? Get you a Sunday? What a newspaper! I can't remember the last time I bought a newspaper. I bet then it was because I was in it. I can't remember the last time I read a newspaper. No, who gets a newspaper? And I thought, I said, yeah, how much are they? And they're about five quid or something for a newspaper. That's mad. So I went into the shop and... So she was asking for pipe

tobacco or something. Yeah. I suppose I could... Yeah, you got any chewing, Becky? So they had the newspapers down there. They hadn't got the Sunday Times. And I said to the guy, have you not got the Sunday Times? He said, oh, they've all gone, mate. I said, what? So who? Who's bought them? The local chip shop has been and bought them all. So people are buying them. People are still doing that thing of sitting and drinking coffee and looking at the Sunday papers.

They're losers. Really? With their little hot dog? Yeah, they could stop and get the hot dog. Anyway, I managed, I phoned my mother-in-law and said look I've tried three shops now Sunday time. She said I'll have an observer. I felt the whole conversation lurch to the left. So I took it and you know what I folded it. I was a bit, not to have the observer, but to have a newspaper.

Of any kind. I didn't want to think people had come from the past. Yes it's not very anti-aging is it? No it isn't, I let that go with the newspaper. I should have got the dog to hold it in its mouth like I was from the 50s. Oh man. So yeah, newspaper. I didn't even read it. I thought, what do you do with them? At least she asked for a sort of, you know, a paper of vague record or note though. I think I

would have had an issue if she'd have said, oh, can you get me a copy of the Express? I would have found that a bit stranger. Yeah, I like the the knight ramparts. You know that knight with sword drawn. Yeah. I think there was the sort of, what was it, what did you call it? A slap line tagline was the pen is mightier than the sword. Was it? Yes, the Express went through that in the Lord Beaverbrook days. Yes. Do you remember Lord Beaverbrook, I think, owned the Daily Mail? Prior to the... And then the Daily Mail was bought by... Rodhamir.

No, but it was bought by a guy who did things like Penthouse and stuff. What was he called? Oh, it was Tiny Rowland. No, there was another guy who has been in the porn industry. Okay, like a Bob Giccioni type. And I remember doing a joke about it. Oh, Richard Desmond. Richard Desmond. He bought the Express, yeah.

Yeah, and I said, yeah, so he's now going to be known as Lord Beaverbrook. And I was so pleased with it. I did it on stage. It got nothing. But partly because no one knew Lord Beaverbrook was. No, that's the thing. That breaks my heart. You got a real good gag and it just goes nowhere. Just to put it in the attic. Such a clever joke.

What's the chance of someone from a porn thing buying a big newspaper so you can do that joke? Yeah. All the stars aligned and people simply shrugged. Yeah. That's how it is now. When I did my Suetonius joke on here a few weeks ago. Anyway, that's life.

But it was a weird thing. It was hard to buy a newspaper. I said, I'll do it again and that's a fact. Would this be a good text in? What's the old, most old-fashioned thing you think you can still buy? Brass polish? I'll still do. I'll still do, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that'd be a good, a good thing. We'll probably ask it in about three months. Okay. Boys, I'd like to briefly ask you something. I don't know what to do. I've had two separate people

Approach me. Well good lucky you Approach me now. I've only been out with a conjoined With regards to my feet. Oh, yeah It's a bit creepy. Mm-hmm, but basically I'm being asked why don't I have an only fans? Promoting my feet. Apparently there's quite a lot of money in it. There's nothing dodgy about them, you just put pictures of your feet up. Well there's nothing dodgy about the pictures, there might be something dodgy about their reception.

But then how do you know how they'll receive the pictures of Frank Skinner? There might be ladies doing funny things with those. I think that's unlikely. But we don't know Frank. I know feet is a big thing. there might be ladies doing funny things with those. I think that's unlikely. But we don't know Frank. I know feet is a big thing. Well, Lily Allen earns £20,000 a month from putting up feet pics. I know Lily Allen.

Really? But apparently it's highly prized the smaller they are. Mine are just almost a whisper under a size three. Goodness. What? She's a five... What's so weird about that? Oh my God.

How do you stand up? How do you walk across snow? I just tie like a bandage around them. If I was you I'd be an enthusiastic gardener because seeding would be literally a walk in the puff. It really is. It really is. So... Your borderline hoof.

Yeah. I might say, this is lovely, isn't it? Don't shame me because I have petite, beautiful feet. I can't shame you. Which are highly prized. Exactly. You're making money out of it. Well, I'm not yet, Frank, but I want to.

And... My teeth. My feet. My teeth. I'm going to say gnarled. Have you got attractive feet? No, they're gnarled. I have to go and get them shaved. So planes down. I mean the skin not the... Shaved? You know, I have to take the hard skin off them.

How bad is they are your feet? Oh man, I'd say... You have to go to the take the hard skin off them. How bad is they are, your feet? Oh man, I'd say I... You have to go to the blacksmith to have them shot. Virtually that. I'll go to the carropodist, I'd say within a week I'm walking across the floor and what was sort of sliding has become clicking because I've hardened on my feet. Oh really? You know those pigeons you see with the clawed foot?

But here's the thing, what I can't, okay, I had someone say, please can you open? That's how they ask you. But how did they know about your feet? I don't know, they'll see, they'll look through your Instagram and you might be wearing an open-toed shoe or something they look at images of you. That was to Rowan Williams all the time I'd imagine. But you know what that's how they'll find they'll look at images of you where you've got your feet on show and this is how I don't know. So I've had one saying please can you open an only

fans it was very polite we'd like to see more of your feet and ankles someone else directly asked hello do you sell feet pics hmm so why I think there was a third one as well so what I'd like to ask is obviously demand for this would it be is it okay for me to do that? How would you feel about me opening an OnlyFans dedicated to my feet? Well, it's interesting isn't it, because as you say, you can't, no one can predict what an image is being used for at home. Yes.

I mean we have an idea. And there's someone who, there's something for everyone, you know what I mean? How dare you? Some people must go for a turned up collar. Well how do you feel about it? Emily, I feel as men we aren't really allowed to have an opinion. No, that's true. I would say the fact that you can potentially earn £20,000 a month.

Yeah. I mean, come on, that's a lot of money for a bit of old feet, isn't it? And you'd feel okay about it. I feel great. Do you think you'd get bored eventually with sort of coming up with ways to go, I guess, now my feet next to a tree? Well, I think that's the thing. Today, on a bus have some feet. Exactly, you have to create lots of different fun content ideas.

So you have to have my feet with sort of silk ribbons or something or my feet in a pool or with a banana. And cotton wool, cotton wool between the toes. You know, when people have their... I'll tell you what I saw the other day. You know, one of my things, we'll come back to this, I'm keen to know how you decide. You know I will often see a business or whatever and think I have a very good way of improving this but you know no one there will ever think of it.

Yes it's a bit like when you see someone do a comedy gig and you tell them afterwards this is what you should do. Yeah I do a bit of that. I'm not proud of that But people have used those lines and said it went really well. Andrew Lloyd Webber? Yeah, Andrew Lloyd Webber. So do you know those Chinese? I think they're Chinese originally those cats With the moving arm. Maniki Neko. Yes I think it's called Maniki N Neckos. The Good Luck Cats. They've got the weird, they jest you, but they call you with the palm of their hand.

They don't beckon you with the back of their hand like we do in the West. I saw one of those and it was in the, I mean you see them in the windows of shops. Not just like, you know, Chinese themed shops, but all sorts of shops, not just like you know Chinese themed shops but all sorts of shops. People, they were supposed to call in fortunes. Yes. I saw one in a nail bar in the window and I thought why haven't they done the nails on this? Oh yeah!

That would be so obvious if they put lovely red. You know you can stick the nails on. You should suggest that. Did you go in and suggest that? No, I'm, no. Gordon Ramsay's named his new restaurant in honour of that cat because I've been, I was taken there. Lucky Cat is called.

Did he? Yes. Well that's not in honour of that cat. It is specifically because you get the gold cats with the waving arm when you go there. Well, I say you get them, people are stealing them. Oh, yeah. I was going to say, I don't associate Gordon Ramsay's public vibe with some calm gratitude. I associate it with abuse and fury. No, exactly. It's more modern China than the ancient ponds. Yeah. Sort of ruthless capitalist superpower. Yeah, with him bellowing at a kind of cowering idiot and some diner. Yeah, but he's stopped that now because they've all changed now. They don't do that anymore, do they? Like, Simon Cowell doesn't do that

on Britain's Got Talent. They're all quite nice now. Yeah, that's a good thing. Yeah. Although I must say that reform are still a bit behind the... just behind the curve a bit on the screaming and bullying thing, apparently. This episode is sponsored by Shopify. Do you ever feel like you're missing out because it seems like everyone is either starting a side hustle or becoming their own boss? And you know what they're hearing a lot? It's the sound of another sale on Shopify, the all-in-one commerce platform to start, run and grow your business. Shopify is the commerce platform revolutionizing millions of businesses worldwide.

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Join for just $4.99 a month. Savings may vary. Eligibility and member terms apply. Listen, I've got something I want to, I'm going to give you something. I know what you're thinking, but now it's not chlamydia. It's this. Oh, it looks like a prescription. It is a prescription.

I'm going to give you some, I'm going to need to take a pill each. Finally some drugs from Frank. Will you take a pill? Sure. So I went to the launch of a book about poetry, and how poetry can influence business in this particular instance. And it's called The Poetry Business School, the book. But I've got in my hand now a jar of capsules. So you would go to the shop, to the poetry pharmacy.

It started in Shropshire, this idea. And someone might say, oh, I'm moving home and I'm a bit worried about a new beginning. And she'll say, just a minute. I'll prescribe some Maybe new beginnings poetry and so you get these I'm gonna hand them over now And there's a they take a bit of opening someone to give you it so I actually put them in my mouth which might be wrong So which prescription are these I think these are a general get people in advertising prescription Okay, so I actually I lick them, but you probably not No, no, you have to you don't swallow them and then you instantly say the poem It's very satisfying to open the little capsules. I was generally gonna eat this

I'm so glad you told me I was genuinely going to eat this. I'm so glad you told me. I wish you had. So mine, for example, and it's like the sort of fortune cookies rolled up inside. Mine says, you are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream. Adolf Hitler. Yeah. Mine says- Again, the Hitler thing. Mine says, there's money in them, their OnlyFans account.

Well, there you go. Lovely prediction. Let your feet take you to a new fortune. I actually love this. Mine says, go and open the door. Maybe outside there's a tree or a wood, a garden or a magic city. I actually love mine. I think that these are from the Carpe Diem. Mine's quite mysterious. What's yours?

It will not be simple, it will be long. It will take little time, it will take all your thought. It will take all your heart, it will take all your breath. It will be short. It will not be simple. That used to be my chat up line. So women I met after gigs. Adrienne Rich, apparently. Thank you, Adrienne.

Oh yeah. I like these. Good. So it's an interesting idea because this shop now has a London branch, the pharmacy, and it sells poetry books and that as well. But it's in, it's within a branch of Losh. Oh really? So this whole thing was like, I left, I had to leave early, sadly, and as I left and they gave me a goody bag with these poetry pills and also the poetry book that was being launched.

And as I was leaving, I said, okay, well, that's lovely, thanks very much. The woman said, okay, but do you want some shower gel? Such a strange combination isn't it? I would describe Lush as a sort of sensory hell. Oh do you not enjoy Lush? A lot of men don't like Lush. When I go into Lush the amount of smells happening I find it's like it's sort of like if you went into a music shop and they were playing every album at once and they're going, well, it's just all the albums. You have problems with all those noise things. Well, yeah.

Yeah, but you know what he's like. He has problems with all his noise things. I mean, for God's sake. We heard one of those video adverts in the street. You know those ones that are on like billboards. Oh yeah, what happened? Pierre didn't like it. And Pierre immediately emailed the company complaining about the bubbling noise on the

advert. It was in the car on tour. No, it was in the street. I'm sure it was in the street. It was one of those, but then also on tour on the radio there was an ad where someone's slurping spaghetti bolognese and I immediately emailed the advertising standards authority. I emailed... Who has the advertising standards authority on their list of numbers?

Favourites. Fair and light, I emailed Farmer J because they didn't sell any salads that didn't contain onion. So what I'm saying is, it seems like you surrounded yourself with quite petty individuals. I'm going to say to our readers, what's the best official complaint you've ever made and to whom? Do you not complain? I told you about my thing with Time Out magazine about them abusing Holy Communion. Yes. And I won the best spars in Britain book, Letter of the Week. Do you find that your lexicon, you take on a sort of slightly Victorian dowager?

Lexicon though when I complain like I say things like shoddy workmanship I took a poll I was absolutely outraged Dear sir, my letter to the Times was a bit more KJV King James Version Yeah Consider ye the beliefs You threw in a few shouts. Yeah. Consider ye the beliefs. You threw in a few shouts. Yeah, exactly. That's what they needed, the scoundrels. And when we got there, because it's the poetry pharmacy, there was free drinks. There was night-

Who did you go with? No, no, I went on my own. Oh, I love that you went on your own. Yeah, sometimes I just think, oh, the people. Really? So, yeah, you know, you can leave when you want to leave and arrive when you want to arrive. Also, you don't really need...

Also, it makes you talk more. Also, because you have the cloak of celebrity, I feel you're less dependent on having a companion with you. Because the cloak of celebrity opens social doors. Yeah. Yeah, well, I spoke to a lot of people, definitely. I spoke to some of the family of the boss of Loche. I spoke to the boss of Loche. Yeah, it's not raindropping.

Yeah, Mark Constantine. He must have smelled overwhelming. Smelt fabulous. Everything there smelled fabulous. So the drinks, they were in beakers because it was a pharmacy thing. Now you know a beaker has got a slight lip. It has got a lip. A pouring lip. Yeah.

Now when I was at school at Albury Technical School as it was then, I drank out of one of the metal jugs that they had in the dinner hall. I just swigged it back. And someone said to me, you shouldn't drink out of a jug, it's bad luck. And I went, ha ha. I was expelled 48 hours later. And so when they gave me this beaker, I said, I'm sorry, I can't drink out of a jog.

In case I get expelled. Because it's bad luck. Yes. Yeah. Or anything could be expelled at my age. So they said, oh, it's not a jog, it's a beaker. I said, well, it's enough like a jog for me. And I actually transferred it to a conical flask. You know those ones? Yeah, you got to feel like...

I drank out of that like Dr. Jekyll. It's hard to drink out of one of those without dropping that behind the table and then coming back with some hastily stuck on wristband. Grabbing the sides of your head and going, oh! Do some bad acting for you. It was a good night. With a lot of very thick foundation visible on screen. So the whole theory was that business could be improved

if people read more poetry. Do you think that's true? I don't know much about business is my problem but Mark Constantine, Mr Losh, was saying he really... Does he get called that? I don't know if he calls Mr Losh but he said that he hated stuff like Dragon's Den and Apprentice because people are just you know treated like dirt. I like the sound of a constant time. I think he seems to be quite a poetry enthusiast. Lovely regal name. Maybe he's biased because all the poems he reads have lines in like,

sell more bath bombs, make it smell nice, and things like that. He's going, yes, yes, of course the answer was in poetry. I don't know if that's true. Sandalwood and sweet white wine and so on. That could be a good smell. Wasn't that a Chris Richard song? Children sing in Christian rhymes. How do you mean? Well you know like um Jesus and... come on Cliff and what? Well not maybe not Jesus, maybe God. I don't know. Anyway um Cliff calm down I was only teasing you. Have you met Cliff Richard? I've interviewed Cliff Richard. I bet he quite liked you.

Because you're religious, he would have liked that. I don't know, they don't like the Catholics. Who's they? You know, those sort of evangelicals. And also he had one of those T-shirts on that's a collar and tie, you know, those T you know. He's trying to trick you. Yeah exactly. Look if you conformal or not Cliff. I mean that leaves me I don't know where to go on. Bigger team. Yeah casual casual. It's the ultimate smart casual I suppose. Oh yeah. Yeah. Well I want to get one of those for Raymond. I love that on a dog. Oh I don't like dressing up animals. Next thing you know people will be saying can you start

up OnlyFans with your dog in various... Next thing you know people will be buying their dog birthday cards. You'll be sponsored by Anne Somers, the dog or being open-cled clonkers as we used to call them in the West Midlands. I suppose all dog trousers are crutchless trousers. They have to be, I think. You see dogs in like suits on Hampstead Heath, you know, like onesies. I've seen them in Drizer bones. And they've got all the, they don't leave them much leeway for the anus, you know what I mean? It's very adjacent. More leeway for the anus is what I'm saying. Yeah, that's what I'm, yeah.

You're still running that campaign, you're still getting crowdfunding for that. Trying to get it debated in Parliament. More leeway for the anus! What do we want? Leeway! What for? The anus! It's part of Nigel Farage's free speech campaign. What else from Outside World? You know we were talking a lot.

I'm going to press it. I've pressed it. I think you just got to tap it lightly. Outside World, Outside World, the outside world. I wish one of this was tradition. I'll be glad of that when there's a nuclear attack and I'm in me bonker Like a nostalgic song of yesteryear You know what makes me laugh whenever I hear that is I'm trying to imagine if when they're doing like on the trendy Radio one show if they played that jingle

Yeah text from someone cool, you know, I'm gonna write a list that if I was in a post-nuclear bunker how many people who knocked on the door begging for help I'd let in. Just a list of those people. That's such a lovely way to spend your time. I've done it, I've just done it. Bunker list. I've already finished it. And the page remained clean. Well I'd like to share something with you from one of our readers, Frank. Which do you remember recently we were talking about songs that you sing to accompany tasks? Yes. And we've had so many in, quite brilliant may I say, pretty much all of them, we don't actually have time to share them all.

Don't know time, all we've got time for. Well no, but there's a lot. You can't leave Basil with his head in a vice. This would literally be all we'd be doing. Am I right, Pierre? Oh yeah, we've got a lot. But I do want to share a couple of these highlights. We can keep them going for weeks. Yeah, we'll keep them going.

Do we have a few there? Like a sprinkle. Keep listening, you might pop up. So we've had this for example. In relation to songs you sing to accompany tasks, my dad was once responsible for redoing all the electrics for the wings of a prison. For the wings of a prison? When he finished, I'll keep you powder dry, when he finished he would announce the activation of the lights of a particular wing with, Oh, what a feeling with the light sun in the sea wing. I love that he's singing in the prison. So yeah, I enjoyed that one enormously.

We've got a nice bit of trivia regarding Bob Dylan, who we were discussing. Yes. I love Bob Dylan. This is from David. Hi, Frank, Emily and Pierre. Did you know that Bob Dylan is a keen welder? Do you know this, Frank? No.

So David says, I worked with a well-known music producer a few years back. He told me that a number of producers had been pitching to Dylan for years trying to get him to record an album with them. No luck. When he decided it was his turn to try, he called and get him to record an album with them. No luck. When he decided it was his turn to try, he called and went straight to answer phone, gave his best pitch and then at the end of the message he tentatively added, a friend of mine was wondering if you might be able to make him some gates. The phone was immediately picked up by Dylan himself who asked, what kind of gates are we talking about here? So if you need any metalwork done

then Bob's your man. Really? Apparently so. I've subsequently, as a result of seeing this, I've investigated this and he is an extraordinary metal work. Really? Yes. He's created all sorts of gates, Frank.

It's a big thing with Bob Dylan. I had no idea. That's why he couldn't get his own Nobel Prize. Had a shift down at the factory. There are no hill beside the gates of Eden. That's one of his songs. And I should know. I didn't know he made them. He made the promotional actual gates that were given out at the gigs. Frank, Singapore Rob has been in touch.

Oh yeah. And it's with regards to some time ago we were talking about, we mentioned Screaming Lord Such on this podcast. Singapore Rob says having listened to your story about Screaming Lord Such I had a look and I found out the party was taken over by Howling Lord Hope, L-A-U-D, and his cat Catmando in 1999., what he's done is he's made it silly. What, you suggest that he's robbed them of dignity? And also he's howling instead of screaming, it's too close to them. Was it supposed to be pronounced Catmandu, but they've spelt it weirdly?

Yeah, they've spelt it Catmando. As a s note get serious That's what I say. No, I think catmandu died in 2002 in a road traffic accident Only just discovered it existed and it's gone. It's been snatched away from you. Yeah Yeah, what happened was um strange reaction Catmandu went off to get help and then the female cat heard this banging on the roof of the car okay I'm sorry we shouldn't laugh at the death of Catmandu no what we should do is honor Catmandu's life with much more dignity in the way Frank did by saying,

oh shit. Well, you know, it's so sudden. Kathmandu died in a road traffic accident. I know there wasn't much of a ramp, Singapore Rob, leaving howling Lord Hope as the sole leader. Right. My point is, if Frank were to start his own party with an animal, which animal would he choose? I don't think you would start your own party. Have to be Poppy, wouldn't it?

No, I don't know if you'd... What moral are they? I don't think you'd drag the dog in. No. But he doesn't believe animals have souls anyway. No. No, I think, you know, God, I mean... He follows the teachings of...

Best wishes to them. I don't think they have souls. Best wishes to them, but they shan't be with glory. Well, I was- He follows the old St. Thomas Aquinas teachings. Buzz was on the phone, his phone. Yeah. He's got his own phone.

That's what they're like nowadays. And I was just looking across to make sure it wasn't ladies in swimwear. And what I saw him texting was, how much to buy is a capybara. And I thought, hold on. I didn't even know what one was. I'm obsessed with them. But I looked them up. Well, there's a Capybara Cafe, which he saw, and he thought about buying one. Do you know, they're having such a moment.

Kids never got money that they got their own phones. Next thing I know, it's going to like a Amazon turning up with a box with scratching Going on from inside I'll be going absolutely mad Do you know cappy bearers are having such a hot summer is coming up for them everyone is talking about them Have you heard about this? Yeah? What was the last animal that had one of these? There's weird like a brat summer those little lemurs about four years ago everyone went mad for I don't think anything has been Although I suppose that be what's the the go compare people well you know what I

mean the me a cat people yeah but I don't know if that ever translated to the actual animal but that became a crazed became a craze but capybaras it just seems to be they're having a brat summer, everyone's decided, there's nothing we can do about it. Well, they're not wearing bras. They're vaping. Capy-bra. They're also meant to be the friendliest animal on God's earth. Yeah, that's what they tell me about people who worked at the British library.

Boy, was I misinformed. They should get some capybaras working there. Can we go and see them, Buzz and I, in London? I'm going to find out. The capybaras? I don't want him to buy one. Oh yeah, he's not going to buy one. What do they eat? It must be just... Frank, off the radio at AvalonUK.com. Surely someone out there owns one. I don't think you're allowed. It's very cruel. I know. I doubt't think you're allowed. It's very cruel. I know.

I doubt it's legal to. I think Capybaras are there for life, not for what is probably called... Not for likes. Not for a coffee. ...what is probably called the Carnival of a Thousand Lights or whatever they celebrate in Japan. Do you think anyone goes to Capybara Cafe just because they think you know what this is the best cappuccino I've ever had? I just have to be surrounded by animals. I like the idea of people that just think I need a cup of coffee on the opinion.

Do you know what Frank in your local Starbucks, the old shanty Starbucks, it wouldn't surprise me because... They wouldn't go in there, it's filthy. Frank, I've just checked online, this news just saying, yes, you can legally own a Capybara in the UK. Yeah, he was looking at prices. You just need a license, you need to apply to the council for a license and then it's all right.

Okay. It's red tape gone mad I say. Exactly. You can't own a Capybara... Without old Johnny Council getting his nose in the trough. Yeah, you've got to fill in three forms. It's unlikely phone ends on talk radio. It says... It's a fucking disgrace. I won't...

I'm not a company barter. I'm not a company barter. It's a state getting involved. It's a fucking disgrace. I want a company barter. It's a state getting involved. It's a starboard Britain. I want an Amazonian mammal. We're going to Japan in a handcart. Yes, I've got five. They're social animals that do best in pairs. Anyway, I'm going to have to step in, I can't let this purchase.

Well you can't get just one either, it's cruel, you have to get at least three or four. Oh no. Not three. I find then one gets singled out by the other two. Not on here. No. I'm against them. We've got a dog, you know, make do with that. Yeah, but imagine the birthdays for the capybara. Oh, Frank. What do they eat, though? What do they do? You get the sausage out with the candles on and they eat the candles.

Well, they're essentially, they're rodents, aren't they? Are they? Yeah. Effectively giant rats. Okay. Well, I'll just go and get some free from Birmingham. Just get an obese rat. I can always tell him it's a capybara if I put it in a cage that's got a magnifying window on it. There's plenty of empty cases going free at the British Library. It's Frank off the radio, Frank off the radio, Frank off the radio, it's the Frank Skinner

podcast don't you know. Thanks for listening to the podcast. Make sure to like and follow so you never miss an episode. And if you want to get in touch, you can email the podcast via frankofftheradio at avalonuk.com.