The Frank Skinner Show - Castration Tooth

Episode Date: August 4, 2025

Sara Barron joins Frank and Emily while Pierre is up at the Edinburgh Fringe. Frank has been watching his favourite channel, Talking Pictures, again and Sara has had an unbelievable family day out. Send us your correspondence to [e-mail] or Whatsapp us on 07457 417 769. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Book club on Monday. Gym on Tuesday. Ugh! Date night on Wednesday. Out on the town on Thursday! Woo! Quiet night in on Friday. It's good to have a routine. And it's good for your eyes too.

Because with regular comprehensive eye exams at Specsavers, you'll know just how healthy they are. Visit Specsavers.ca to book your next eye exam. Eye exams provided by independent optometrists. It's Frank off the radio, featuring him and that posh lady-o, and the one with the French name, from South Africa came. They're all here, open brackets, hooray! Close brackets today. Da da da da da da da da da da all. Oh that's better. Oh lovely I did it.

Yes I'm joined by Emily Dean and Sarah Baron. You can follow the podcast on X and Instagram. You can email the podcast via Frank off the radio at AvalonUK.com. alternatively Lovely. Can I say Sarah especially liked that one? That was like driving a car in the suburbs of America in 1996. It really took me there. Was that written by Martin Gardner also? No. I love the way you say Martin Gardner. There's been a bit of a rivalry. I can't remember which one I pressed, Claire. I like that one because it sounds like a 90s American TV show about relationships. Yes.

Like Kelly Clarkson might have sung that song to us in 2002 as well. I think it was Joseph Phelan. Great job, Joe. And as a tribute to him. All the Ph. Feeling. It was Joseph feeling. He wrote us a jingle about our WhatsApp. So free.

That was so free. So, um. A little too free. A little too free. I watched a film the other day. Lovely. On Talking Pictures, which is a station for the elderly. Do you know Talking Pictures?

No, wait, are you joking or there's genuinely a station called Talking Pictures? There's one called Talking Pictures. Some people know what's going to be on that channel. Talking Pictures. Are there lots of ads for selling your gold and life insurance? There's lots of ads. You know daytime television is mainly adverts for death. So there's lots of that on there. And you can send your gold in of course. Who are these people who have all these gold reserves? And there's Bage Slacks sale. Which I call, which they

buy from them, what I call the I have given up shop. Yeah, uh-huh. Elastic wasteland. I actually really like talking pictures. They have lots of, they have old films on, but they have like old 50s sci-fi films, but occasionally they have like Robin Hood stuff. I've got occasionally then I've like Robin Hood stuff. Robin Hood stuff? What is Robin Hood stuff other than the Robin Hood film? Well then a Robin Hood TV series. But listen, is it the really old Robin Hood? The one that's like Robin Hood riding through the glen.

Just to help you with that question, if you've got any questions about talking pictures at the beginning, is it the really old? The answer is yes. It is not the recent anything. Frank, do you know off the top of your head the number for talking pictures? Like if I were to go onto TV, what number would I put in for talking pictures? If you go to the movie section, it's the last movie. Of course, near the point of... Before, yeah. I wonder how you came across that. Squeezing it in last minute before you...

How did you find that? What? Well, why were you up that far in the channels? We don't have those channels on our television. Oh, do you not? You've got family, friends? Certainly not. I don't know who's... Do they still exist?

Well, who still watches those? Well, ours goes from the highest you can can go on the TV numbers and then it flips into music video stations. Radio we ask. Yeah, but I don't know if they still exist, those call me guys. I'm waiting for your call. Yeah. Yeah.

They're still waiting apparently. Just saying I'm not waiting for your call. Yeah, so we don't have those. It's... Frank, say a shout out the channel number. I just got the number for anyone else who might be listening and going, I could get into talking pictures, 328. 328, okay, I didn't know that.

That sounds wrong to me, 328, but I'll take your word. Okay, doubting Thomas. Um, yeah, so I'm glad, yeah, I don't miss those channels. You don't miss the sexy ones? No. Why are you acting so disgust, yeah, why are you acting so disgusted? You're being so judgy of people who might like those channels. We were talking earlier about single girls in your area when you get a picture of the absolutely beautiful woman comes up on your, I don't know how they, but sometimes I'm looking

at the West Bromwich Albion news site. And it will say single women in your area are waiting to hear from you. And they're always a very beautiful woman. Have you ever called them? No. I suspect it might not be the woman in the picture. Oh dear. I wonder if that happened.

You know you get these people who you read about. You know these blokes? Blokes who they go into a shop and it says sausages and beans, £2.80 and there's only one sausage and they say, well, excuse me, I think you'll find it says sausages on the poster. Do you get, do people, you know when you see the pictures in phone boxes of women, do they take the card with them, hold it up next to the one and say well excuse me I didn't come here for an obese Asian grandmother, I came here for this obese Asian grandmother and that isn't you. Do you get that? Do people really, you know, send in the emails and it becomes one of those David versus Goliath court cases

where you'll, I will stand up for my rights. That has to have happened at some point. I really hope that happens. Wouldn't they just be killed though? I think they would be. I think they'd be killed by people in the underworld. Come on caveat emptor. Yes. He did it. No, by a beware. I know but if there's a promise like that of saying you can come and meet this lady and then it's not... Are you upset that the sex worker industry haven't kept their promise? I think anyone it's like this when you get a column in the newspapers and if you know that journalist you think when was that? Is that a school photo? It's just they use incredibly photos like when they're 20.

Yeah. That's what we all do though, isn't it? Oh yeah. Some of them were, Julie Burchills was fabulous. It was literally from like 1982 or something. Brilliant. Anyway, this film was called Witness to Murder. And usually we're talking pictures,

I don't watch the whole film. I just flick on the something happening and I think Honour Blackman was in here. Do you know Honour Blackman? No. We didn't know in those days. She'd have changed her name. Did she play Pussy Galore? Christopher Collins.

She did play Pussy Galore. Oh, okay. Her Pussy Galore I know a bit more about. So that's Honour Blackman. She just dealt in controversial names. That was her entire career. Her actual name was Chris Collins. Yeah. Yeah. Her actual name is... No, I won't say. She's very... She was someone... I think she was my first celebrity crush.

She's very his type. She was in The Avengers. Oh, I didn't know Frank had a type. Well, oh. Well, I don't know. Then she was leather catsuit and lots of karate. Well, Kath is his type. Kath is his partner.

But then Kath is everyone's type because she's pretty gorgeous. Whereas he had some funny old ones, didn't you, in terms of people, you know, like Zola Bart. I liked women who looked like men, basically. Make of that what you will. I can't, I'm really struggling to process certain pieces of information. Women who looked like men. Like a boyish, a sort of tomboy quality. Yes. Hey let's go running in a field Frank, like that energy. Yeah sort of tank girl type of feel. Yeah, yeah. Okay, great. Fascinating. Yeah.

But you know, we all change. Anyway, I was watching this film and it ended. This might not, I don't know why this shook me to the core. But the credits were going up at the end and it said, make up, Sid Turner. I thought, what's do it? Sid we're in trouble mate. What is it Gavna? Sid come here. What is it Gavna? You're with some all sweeping doing. Now I'm afraid it's a bit more complicated than that. The make up artist is stuck up Marleybone. Oh Corp dude I fucking love Sid. Help us out mate. Sid Turner. Who did you make up? Hair and make up? Yes Sid. What Sid Turner? Win the blow at the cap. Oh I love

hair and make up by Sid Turner. I'm gonna do such a deep dive on Sid Turner now. Yes. Sid SID not S Y D. No S Y D. I was gonna say C Y D. If C Y D did your makeup you'd be like sure. No no it was it was definitely Sid. Sid Turner. The ladies didn't get any of the jobs then Frank. So it better to have Sid than a lady. Speaking of hair and makeup, I met Richard Ward. Oh, did you? How did you find? Do you know him? No, I'm sorry that my answers to all these are no. Tell me about Richard Ward. I thought you might know him. He's a celebrity hairdresser. In fact, famously, his salon, I don't know if he specifically, but his salon did Kate Middleton's hair.

Okay. Don't call her Kate Middleton anymore, apparently that's bad manners. She changed her name as well. Yeah, Chris Collins. To Princess Chris Collins. Very weird. She's now the Duchess of, what is it, Frank Cambridge? Yes, I believe so.

Okay. Okay. There used to be a thing that was said, wasn't it? Because wasn't Harry and Meghan, what was they? Sossics. They were Sossics. Yep. And there used to be a thing, oh, can you remember which is Sossics and which is, what's

the other one, Cambridge? They're Cambridge and then Wessex was Sophie and Edward, but they're now Edinburgh. But the way to distinguish between Harry and Meghan versus William and Kate was they're called Cambridge and they look as if they really enjoy bridge and the other two are called Sussex. Okay, so you leave it there? It's a good day to memoir. Anyway Richard Ward, a hairdresser, a celebrity hairdresser, very she she. Very, he's immaculate. Absolutely she, Salonica Chelsea, I believe. Absolutely immaculate.

I bet, good nails, I bet. What jeans are they? Have you had your hair cut yet? No, no, I was in my dressing room at Lorraine. Whose hair was it? Oh, was he on as a guest? And, no, I think he comes on and demonstrates. Do you know when hairdressers get so big,

that they're no longer Sid Turner, they're actually the guests,. They're actually the guests. They get their own dressing room. Yeah, so he came in to say hello to someone and he said to me, could I have a photograph with you? Wow. And I said, yeah, sure. But I thought, how close can I get to this? I didn't want to get him dirty. Do you know what I mean?

I know those people. He looked absolutely like a perfect, yeah. But groomed perfectly. I find that a bit repulsive. Oh. I've not seen him, maybe he's not repulsive. But when you say that thing about, like, you know you just worry that you'll get them dirt, that level of grooming, I find almost as gross

as someone who needs a wash. Oh, wow. It's like the two sides of the spectrum come together. It's sort of the action man, have you got a willy thing as well? Go on. The action man, have you got a willy thing? Oh, they look so... Have you got a willy?

Sure, yeah. Like you look like you probably don't have a willy. What's that? Silver surfer doesn't have any genitals. Does the thing have genitals? You can't see them. Under the rock? No, they're covered in debris. I love my plugs like that.

Yeah, debris is another celebrity head, that's why I meant. Gavin debris. But you know what I mean by that? Yeah, that? It looked like they'd just be smooth plastic. No, and you're like, give me more. Oh man, it was, don't get me wrong, he was very... Did you like Ward? Yeah. How did he smell? What did he smell like? He didn't, you know what, he didn't like really smell, strong smell. That's good. He just like, it just smelled clean. Oh, that is hot.

That's nice. Well, that's because he will have gone, Frank. Frank won't have been aware of this, but he will have been absolutely doused in fragrance. But it will have been a very subtle, gentle fragrance, like a neutral fragrance. I don't judge. I can't imagine him. You know, I'm still old enough to remember when I was like in my teens, early twenties, that you'd go to the barbers. It was one of the great, I don't know if this happened in America, it was one of the great euphemisms of all time because they sold condoms.

They're one of the few places that sell condoms, but they weren't out anywhere. They were in Tokto, Waiheato. And after the bloke had cut your hair, he'd say, and something for the weekend. That is magnificent. Did they not say that then? Well, it's more sort of like, I'm not in barbers asking for condoms.

You see what I'm saying? So I know, but I feel like if that was the thing in the state. But it's great. The idea that the British don't have sex midweek. Something for the weekend, sir. No, we're not sewer leconte, no. We have sex at the weekends. That's what it's for. So could you remember being asked that that and was there a regularity with which you would accept or was there shame in accepting if you were like a 17 year old boy?

Well there was shame in that I had no need for them because I couldn't get any ladies who would agree to such a thing. This is before the agreement started coming in? Yeah, this is way before. And you could get the tank girls? Yeah. Yeah, okay, okay. I couldn't always get the tank girls. Yeah. Yeah, okay, okay. I couldn't always get the tank girls.

I've had them from a far. You had that lovely beard. Yeah, that was... You were coming up in the world. Yeah, it was... It was the sick... Frank was actually really not bad looking. I don't know.

I think Frank's handsome. Frank, you are handsome. You are. My wife said of my son, she said he's a sort of a good looking version of you. That's true, but I think that you are also good looking. Thank you. But it's a different... I wasn't expecting this part of the conversation.

I would say he has more of a sort of a renaissance beauty. Oh, thank you. Frank is like... No, no, no, not you. Buzz is renaissance. I did not say you had Renaissance beauty. You have, how would you describe Frank's? He's got a definite quality.

When you notice one of the people delivering your bins actually doesn't look terrible. There's like salt of the earth, but now he has money. That's like a really good look. He's had, he's a bit like, you know when they make him. There's no actual physical looks involved. You're right. No, you have a nice face and nice hair and I like how you dress. But if we're trying to typify him. Stop objectifying me. Salt of the earth but he's been rich for a long time and that's a great combo. He's had what we're calling the Ramesh glow up. The R Ramesh glow-up, yeah yeah. Okay they get a glow-up when they get a bit of a glow-up. I've had the glow-up, I'm no Pinky I tell you what my problem is with barbers now.

They don't say something for the weekend sir. They certainly don't. They say something for eternity sir. Yes, wicker for me please. They do that thing, I don't know if they do this in women's, but they hold your hair straight up and then they start moving their fingers about to ask how much you want cutting off. Do you ever get that? No, because I don't want to look like military personnel.

So you're sticking out the top of your thing and they say, is that enough? And I think, I can't judge it like that, what it will look like. I am wearing straight up. Like that, I'm not donkey. Like a troll. No, I've never worn my hair so it just immediately goes north. Do they think you're some sort of shit too? Yeah, and also it's not wet all the time.

I just can't judge it. So I just go, oh yeah, that's fine. And sometimes it's too long and sometimes it's too short. I have no, how do you judge that? It's good at the moment though, because it's got the WH Auden sort of slight. God, stop talking about my appearance. I want him to do a drawing of what it will look like

if it's that length, but they won't do that. Richard Ward would probably do that. Richard Ward would probably do it. I'm sure he would. Do you like getting your hair cut? No, because my hair makes me feel... We were saying earlier, you have sort of hair of a mermaid, so a haircut dresser is very... Can I just say, please continue to talk about my appearance? Her hair, I mean, I know you've noticed, but her hair is like a model's hair.

I love it. So to sit for you... It probably is a model's hair. I love it. So for you- It probably is a model's hair. Oh my God, you don't have extensions in it. It feels very natural. So the way that like if you're like a really in shape person and you go to the gym and you feel in your element, because this is your space where you excel, that's how I imagine

you feel at the hairdressers because she is wealthy- In a salon. In a salon. In a salon. I have hair like my hair's like your hair's like this. Okay, so I just. How are we supposed to respond to this? Are we supposed to be saying. No, no, I'm not fishing. I'm just saying you know how now with with social media being as it is.

Don't talk about fishing with a mermaid in the room. Wow. We have a mermaid in the room. You know, the hair cutters now are always like doing reels and doing befores and afters. I am the exact person who would never wind up on a hairdresser's Instagram because my hair just can't deliver in that way. I don't have much of it. I'm 46 years old.

It's starting to like go. You know, I'm not like fully bald It's just you know, my hair is not my crowning glory I Don't you asked me and I don't want to put this position to now be like Sarah Your hair is fine. I'm just saying it's not what makes me feel good about myself Can I ask a completely separate you made me I can't I can't, I can't carry with much more hair and makeup. Sorry ladies.

I, you know occasionally you think to yourself, I haven't seen that for a very, very, something I used to see a lot. Yes. Yeah. Now I don't know if this is an American phenomenon as well, but I used to see people using their dog as a way of carrying things So you would see people coming back from the news agents with a rolled up newspaper in the dog's mouth

For real like in a TV show. Yeah. No, that was a thing It was one by us regularly at a tin of dog food. Oh, I never saw that. Are we talking like in the 80s? What time did we... No, it's like the 50s or no. No, no, I think it was still happening in the 80s. Okay. And they would carry their own lead. Yeah, I like that. In their mouth. Yeah. What happened to that? Is it felt, you're a dog person. Oh, I'm a dog person. Is it felt that that is not right to put things in your dog's mouth for carrying purposes? Yeah because people view dogs somewhat differently now don't they? They're not beasts of burden. No but humans carry a newspaper back from them. No one thinks that's terrible. They're fishing from it,

they've got a choice. The dog doesn't want to have the guardian in it now. The dog can spit it out. I think it does, I think it wants to join in. They always look so proud of those dogs when they're carrying stuff in their mouths. Yeah I don't know, I worry, I mean I wouldn't want it to be, people are very concerned now about things like is the newsprint toxic to the dog? Come on. Oh we're back to the thing and the human torch, can't say. Well yeah maybe. Do you ever get Poppy to do any tasks for you then? No, we're trying to try in her at the moment to press a buzzer when she wants to go out. Have you been reading the book about the dog that can understand? No, we watched a

terrible program called Pets Can Do Things You Wouldn't Imagine. Was it on Talking Pictures? program called Pets Can Do Things You Wouldn't Imagine. Was it on Talking Pictures? Was it in the 1950s and a bit cruel? No, if it had been pets from then it would have been an elephant standing on a small stool. Yeah Now it was a program about how clever animals are, you know, supposedly and There was a thing that could, I don't think it was a dog, but someone pressed the button to let you know it wanted something. So we've got a buzzer, like a big green button. So buzzers put it by the door.

And I tried holding the dog's paw on it to make it buzz, but she wasn't happy with it. I don't know what she thought it was gonna do. She became alarmed. How old is she now? Four. Is that teaching an old dog new tricks? It's a good question. I'm told that Cavapus, which is the breeder dog, is very good at learning tricks.

She can shake hands. But were those all the tricks she was taught as a puppy and now that she's inching her way towards 30 human years, she's kind of done? Oh well, I don't like to think any woman is finished at 30. Learning new things. Oh really? I feel done learning new things. Oh yeah, I'm all out.

Yeah, like forget it. Well I'll keep you posted on the boss, I haven't given up yet. It'd be great, wouldn't it? She wants to go out. Yeah, she can just... Do you not have a doggy door so she can like go into your backyard? No, because local criminals put urchins through it and steal stuff. Where do you live?

Is that Britain's London? In the back, in your back garden? Yeah. Frank has an innate distrust of humanity. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, fair. The cap fits. Frank, may I share something with you, please?

What about, um, can I ask you one other question on this carrying thing? Because you know, people used to put things behind their ears all the time. That seems to be a bit... What, sort of cigarettes and pencils? You don't know that. Cigarettes and pencils. A cigarette or a pencil. But when you say a phrase, like all sorts of things.

What else? What else? Well... That's two things. It was two things. Yeah. It was always two things. You don't see that now though, do you?

No. A pencil I would be impressed by. What about a cigarettes in the t-shirt sleeve? No. Like that feels like, you know, there's like this real hipster barber near where I live and I bet one of the barbers in there. Oh no, this was a very working class thing. It used to be this, this and the matches, cigarettes and the matches inside the t-shirts. No, it's very tickets to the gun show that look. I don't know what that means. It's showing off your guns. You don't have tickets to the

gun show? Yeah well I'm my guns are so small I can have a family-sized shredded wheat packet in my t-shirt sleeve. There is ample rue. What about the ladies handkerchief in the cardigan sleeve? Does that still exist? No that's died out now. You don't really get that. You always... Where do people put stuff now? Pockets? Their little bags? Their little over-the-shoulder bags? Crossbody bag? Forget about it. That's really bothered you that, hasn't it? Are you about to read something? I'd like to if that's alright. No it's fine. I'm just trying to hurry you along. Ah well okay. It's my time now.

It's your time now. Um Julia of Great Bar has got in touch. Great Bar. Refranck's story last week about finding himself in the nameless Ukrainian woman's living quarters at Powdrom Castle. Do you want to quickly just remind us? Yes I did a gig, there's a gig called Comedy at the Castle, I don't know if you've ever done it. Where's a gig called Comedy at the Castle, I don't know if you've ever done it.

Where's the castle? Well, it used to be in Warwick, but now they've moved to Powderham Castle in Cornwall. Okay. Never done it. And I did the gig there and then I got lost in the castle. I couldn't find my way in or out. And you ended up in a Ukrainian woman's quarters. How amazing if you saw Frank Skinner just wandering lost around a castle. How great an opportunity for someone. Yeah, with my head under my arm.

Now I don't think the woman definitely wouldn't have. She was a Ukrainian lady. It reminded me of my brother's school trip to Bruges. Note well, he was a teacher, not a pupil. The children had some free time, so he was doing some souvenir shopping on his own and suddenly became desperate for a, I'll just say it, poo. He couldn't find any public toilets but at last found a small cafe dotted inside and up the stairs to the toilet. What a relief. It wasn't until he was washing his hands that he noticed a lot

of toiletries in the toilet and a shower cubicle. As he returned back down the stairs, he realized he was actually in someone's private house. I've asked him many questions over the years about why he assumed it was a cafe. He swears there were tables outside. But all we really know is that he went to Belgium, a man in charge of 60 kids, and had a poo in some random, unsuspecting Belgique family home. Having been in the toilet after him before, I can only wish that well. Oh, I wish they hadn't added that code. I love it. I love it. Julia of Great Bar. Julia, that's a wonderful story. Yeah. No, Great Bar is an area of Birmingham. Oh, is it? And it's spelt Great Great Bar B-A-R-R. Yes. And the last time, now

maybe not the last time, but one of the recent times I've driven through Great Bar, where it says Great Bar, the sign, there was quite a lot of leafage covering and I thought, has anyone ever driven down here and thought, hold on, this is the Great Barrier Reef. I didn't know it was, I don't know, it was in Birmingham. It's exciting. Just one person doing that would make me very happy, but probably not. What about that poor family though? Yeah, but it's kind of a happy ending to that story because he wasn't poor.

You didn't say anything about that? No. Also, when you hear a story like that, you think that can't be the only time that's happened to that family. Well, Frank went into someone's house once, on the beach I want to say. No, they invited me. Well, actually, I went in and asked for a drink of water. Do you know this?

He literally knocked, because of the cloak of celebrity, he was able to make these demands of people. I ended up having a bacon sandwich and a Coca Cola. Do you know this? This was a stranger's house on the beach but you like needed a wee or something? I know I wanted a glass of water so I went in and they said, oh well Frank, do you want a bacon sandwich? I said yeah.

And they said, we've got water but you can have Coca Cola if you like. Well I mean, it's no contest. Were you with your family or on your own? They were over on the beach somewhere else. So I got back and said, where you been? I said, I've just been there for a while. You didn't message Kath saying, I'm going to say, I thought I was coming for a water, but this is going to be a half hour. I'm having a sandwich.

No, I don't think you should be messaging in other people's homes. When you're in a stranger's home eating their food. Exactly. Incredible. God, what a world you're in a stranger's home eating their food. Exactly. Incredible. God, what a world you live in, you know? Well, I tell you what changed my life. I went to a football match in Portsmouth with a man called Jeff Astle, who was a famous

footballer, had been a famous footballer. And we came out the match and he played for the team I support so he was known there and he said, I said, hey, we're going to get back to the hotel. He said, hold on a minute. And he just held up his hand and this all these West Brom fans all stopped. It was Jeff Astle. He said, can you drive us to the blah, blah, blah? It's like four miles out of town.

We just got in there driving. Celebrity hitchhiking. So the next time me and David Baddiel went to a game at Wembley, we did it. And it worked. Oh, fantastic. It's great. Obviously, this probably ends up in a kidnapping story. Well, I was going to say female celebrities listening, don't follow suit. Maybe not. But male celebrities listening, take't follow suit. Maybe not. But male celebrities listening. Take Frank's stage

advice. Yeah, a celebrity hitchhiking. You haven't asked you what you've been doing just lately, Sarah. You live an active and interesting life. I live an active and interesting lifestyle. I went away, we did a three-day holiday, my husband's son and I. And it was really, my son hasn't been on a holiday for a while, so it was really, we're like, let's make this kid happy. We stayed a hobbit hole. Are you a Lord of the Rings person, Frank? No, but I know what a hobbit is. Okay. So one of the most regularly booked Airbnbs in all of Britain is a hobbit hole

in Norfolk. Right. And it's run by this guy and his name is Bilbo. And so when you get his... You message Bilbo and you say, Hi Bilbo, we're having problems with the hot water, on and on and on. Bilbo moonlights as an alpaca carer. Carer? He carers for these alpacas. So there's one day when it's really rainy and we don't know what to do.

How many alpacas? 16. Wow. Yeah, they like to hang out really rainy and we don't know what to do. How many alpacas? Uh, 16. Wow. Yeah, they like to hang out in big groups, don't they? Okay, so there's 16 alpacas, but this is very separate to the hobbit hole. The point is that you're talking to Bilbo and you're saying, hey Bilbo, show me, where is this thing? But then if you want to go on the alpaca tour, if you want to go be with these alpacas, you

refer to him as Ian. Oh, I see. So it's Bilbo here and Ian here. So we decide where it's like raining this one day of this holiday, it's pouring, what should we do? We say to our son, you want to go look? He's like, yeah, yeah, alpacas, okay.

So we get to this alpaca farm and you know, parents of, well, Buzz is a little bit older than my son Gene, but when they're at that age where you're doing stuff with animals, you're like, this is either gonna really deliver or it's gonna be like one surly animal a half a mile away and my child is just gonna spend this whole time just fussing and I don't even wanna be here.

We get to the alpaca farm, it's an abundance of alpacas, all of whom want to interact with you so bad. So Ian, stroke Bilbo, is like- Ian at the moment. Currently he's Ian, brings us to what he describes as the livelier alpacas. I don't like them. Well I was excited because I got a kid to entertain Emily and I was like, my son is

going to be excited by these lively alpacas, teenagers. So we go in and immediately Ian does not like the cut of my jib. He doesn't mind my son, he doesn't mind my husband, but he's, every, every move I make, he's going, don't do open palm. He gives us like, he brings out a vat of raw vegetables I've been told that before but see I've only ever been told open palm like the universal sign for not attacking an animal or or an audience member but also you got you have to have flat palm with horses and things they'll bite your thumb off as a stand-up comic you'll sometimes

be like oh wait the audience is just open palm. So what was he saying? You should be playing Triss. I was going open palm. He's like, don't open palm. I was like, oh, sorry. He's like, you need to hold it between your fingers. I'm like, okay. That sounds dangerous.

Thank you. Also, Alpacas have castration teeth as well. How do you know that? I know a bit about Alpacas. That is fascinating. Castration teeth. What is that? They have a one tooth which is designed purely to castrate.

Oh I thought you meant they look like they were grimacing as if being castrated. No because I've seen James Middleton's alpacas and they have one. Oh yeah, have they been castrated? Leave it to Emily Dean to have a bigger alpaca story than I do. No, no, no, but great. But the castration tooth, it's only the one, it is purely designed to castrate an attack on the nose. I wonder if I've got one. I never knew. You think that you're, you just like randomly have a tooth that can cook castrate? Frank Skinner's castration tooth.

I'm just finding what species. I'm going to have to do some experimenting. Will you please continue telling me what happened with the alpacas? So I keep getting just incessantly yelled at by Ian. Negative way. Yes. And then the more he yells at me, the more giggly I become. So then the more I start giggling, what then happens is he goes, if you don't stop laughing, the alpaca is going gonna spit in your face. And I was like, well, that's not not funny. And then as though on cue, the alpaca went, and it kept, and it wasn't like a human, like with spit, it was like all of its masticated carrot and apple just went on.

Like, so I was covered and then I laughed more. So then it did it more. And then Ian kept yelling at me. And then I look more. So then it did it more. And then Ian kept yelling at me. And then I look around and my husband, who is like a small to mid-sized man, is stood there. Like I catch a glimpse of him out of the corner of my eye. And one of the alpacas has mounted my husband, by which I mean its front hooves are on my husband's shoulders.

Wow. And my husband is trying to stand so still. That's what he says. So then I become so hysterical and then the thing keeps spitting at me and keeps spitting at me. And my husband remains so cool under pressure. And then basically Ian decides that we're not allowed around the young alpacas. And he's like, you guys need the other alpacas. So then he takes us around to the senile ones. And did the one walk behind your husband all the way?

He kept going like, okay. Was it like a conga? No. What I said to Jeff at the time is it was more like, daddy, play with me. Yeah. Daddy, who's this dumb bitch? Daddy, play with me. Like that was the energy it was giving the two of us. So then we had to get taken away from the adolescent ones. It was the Andrew Tate of the Alpaca world. Thank you. It was exactly that. So then we meet the elderly ones and one of them had a cataract so it was blind. Oh, and the other thing is, is you're not supposed to, you can look at them, but not directly at them. So then- It's like Medusa. Yeah.

Or Tom Cruise. Did they turn you into stone? Almost. I think Mariah Carey, you couldn't look at her. Someone had a Don't Look Me In The Eye, wasn't it? I think there was Mariah Carey, all the team, the crew had to stand with their backs to the wall when she walked in. Can I say it wasn't Tom Cruise? Because he's actually very friendly to people. That will be okay with the lawyers, will it? Anyway. But isn't he actually very friendly? I've heard that't Tom Cruise because he's actually very friendly to people that will be okay with the lawyers. Well, yeah Anyway, he is but isn't he actually very from I've heard that about time. Yeah, he is

But like he goes into performance mode and I sell cruise to me. Okay. I mean, I'm obsessed But anyway, we get taken out we get taken over to the elderly alpacas And then there's one who's blind with cataracts and then the other has a goiter in its neck. Think about an alpaca neck that is so aggressive it has to have its neck. Cataracts, goiter. And then I was like, and he's like that and basically was saying to my nine-year-old son, this one will be dead in two years, this one will be dead in six months. It was so funny and weird and I just cannot recommend.

Do you know goiters in 18th century England were called Darbyshire Neck? That's so rude. I can't tell if that's a sarcastic comment or if that's real. That's real? Darbyshire Neck? Yes, somebody had got Darbyshire Neck. It meant they had a massive great Goiter growing on it. That's so rude.

Anyway, carry on. Well- Ian wouldn't have appreciated that fact. That's so rude. Anyway, carry on. Ian wouldn't have appreciated that fact. No, Ian wouldn't have appreciated that fact. It was the Bilbo on the other hand, would have been all over it. He would have liked it. It was the greatest animal experience of my entire life.

It was the greatest thing on a family holiday we have ever done. How did Gene like it? Oh, he was having the time of his life. And I have like a couple of moments in my marriage where I'm like, that's the funniest thing that'll ever happen to us. And this, this alpaca, getting its front hooves on my husband's shoulders

was just the most dramatic thing I've ever. Yeah, it's a big step. Anyway, it was it's it's the alpaca Farm on Wells next to the sea. Oh yeah. Okay. I cannot recommend the experience highly enough. You've got to find Ian Stroke Bilbo and just go have the time of your life. And ask for the, if you can see it's castration tooth.

Ask for the teeth. I've got my heart set on the goiter. It's very go to the goiter. Oh, well that's a great story. I'm glad we don't have to follow that because we've come to the end now. I will plug episode three of my poetry podcast which is out on Wednesday. This time it's Amy Clampett, American poet, do you know that? No. Okay. You can download it wherever you get your podcast. Yes, it's a poem called Salvage. And it's about watching, you know those things, I don't know what the name of the vehicle is,

where they have piles of cars on the back of the vehicle in layers. Yes. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So there's a floor with the mud. And when they're being taken away to the dumps, they're all wrecked, cars going away.

And she said it looks like lasagna. Oh, I love that. Yeah, she's brilliant. And she talks about how beautiful these wrecked cars look, but points out very subtly that most people wouldn't spot that you have to have a bit of a poetic sensibility. And then says, likewise, this bag lady over here would be ignored by most, but I see her beauty. She feels a bit impressed with herself. She's very good. Albeit justifiably.

She is very, very good. Well, she wrote, I think she wrote plays or novels she wrote, and none of them were published. They were all. Oh, interesting. It's a different skill, I guess. Then she switched to poetry and ping. That was Amy Clampett, have a listen. Thank you Sarah so much for joining us on the last two episodes.

Thank you so much for having me. It's always a joy and we'll be back soon. It's Frank of the Radio, Frank of the Radio, Frank of the Radio. It's the Frank Skinner Podcast, don't you know? Thanks for listening to the podcast. Make sure to like and follow so you never miss an episode. And if you want to get in touch you can email the podcast via frankofftheradioatavalonuk.com.