The Frank Skinner Show - Cherry Flavoured Sugar Sphere

Episode Date: October 24, 2024

On today's podcast Frank shares the details of a recent trip to Cubits, Pierre reveals the scorn he was dealt in a café and Emily wants to know why she has been unfollowed on Instagram. All of this plus some beef with trainer socks and an incident involving Bruno Tonioli. Get in touch with the podcast [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

I am so dreading groceries this week. Why? You can skip it. Oh, what, just like that? Just like that. How about dinner with my third cousin? Skip it. Prince Fluffy's favorite treats? Skippable.

Midnight snacks? Skip. My neighbor's nightly saxophone practices? Er, nope. You're on your own there. Could have skipped it. Should have skipped it. Skip to the good part and get groceries, meals, and more delivered right to your door on skip. I'm drinking coffee, which I don't often drink, but as regular listeners will know, have they become regular listeners? How many have we done?

It's number five. I suppose that's regular. That's why I will be when I've had this coffee. But I don't drink coffee much. It's new I will be when I've had this coffee. Aye? But I don't drink coffee much. It's new to me. I think of it as quite... Is this the start of the podcast? Yeah.

Something for everyone I suppose. I was watching... Is it the artist? Tony Hankock. And he goes in a place and they've got... They've got coffee for sale, but they offer him cappuccino and espresso. This would be in the 60s, I suppose. And he said, no, I don't want it with froth on it.

I'm going to drink it, not have a wash. And they had to blow the froth off the top of it. So don't know why I brought it up. But stone me, what a life. This is Frank off the radio, starting with a bit of topical. I'm joined by Emily Dean and Pierre Navelli. Follow the podcast on X and Instagram. You can email the podcast via frankofftheradio at Avalon UK.com. Boys can I just start by saying you know we're obviously in Spirit Land and

sometimes... Not obviously. Spirit Land we should say is the... We've passed over now. The cafe stroke podcast studio compound that we operate from. We like to call it a better place. That would be a great name for a fishmonger. Write that down. Our fishmonger who brings it to our door is called Steve Hat. Is he? He should have been a milliner. Every week I say to her, right I'll catch up later on, but tell Steve Hat to go on ahead. And it gives me such joy. He's the one with the incredibly creepy little motto. It's not creepy. I find it very creepy.

Got some nice fish for you. If I had that for an intercom, I'd call the police. Is he the one that gave you the disgusting cods right? Yes. Yes. Okay. But I insisted on that. He's fished generally.

He's tremendous. Frank, I was going to say, in the world... Try Steve Hatt's fresh fish. Is that off her sponsor? Oh, another 30 quid? We'll be doing all that soon. Yeah, we will. Whatever will our regulars think of us then?

We'll soon find out. Frank, I'm going to ask you a question. I'm going to ask you a question. I'm going to ask you a question. I'm going to ask you a question. I'm going to ask you a question. I'm going to ask you a question. I'm going to ask you a question. I'm going to ask you a question. I'm going to ask you a question. We'll be doing all that soon. We will. Yeah. Whatever will our regulars think of us then? We'll soon find out.

Frank, I've noticed in Spiritland, what happens is that the punters in the cafe, they will sometimes look in. Because we're in the middle of a cafe, we should say. And now I do know what it's like to be like the Goddam Gorillas in the zoo. Just doing sign language. They're all very cool. They don't even know who we are. What do they think we are? Do they think this is some sort of pensioners meeting? This is the last of the summer wine podcast. Spin off.

I'm the Nora Batty figure. Exactly. They just look in with scorn. I was scorned in a cafe yesterday. I think, see what you think of this. I'm on tour, going all over the place. I should say, as well, just because I've seen your pen, Frank, I signed one of my books in an interval in Swindon and the pen that was sent backstage with the book was a four color pen.

It's a specific reference to your pen. Okay. I favor the four color pen. I don't know if you know it. It's by Bic who I think is something of an institution in the biro world and it's blue green black and red depending which slide you want to drag down. Does anyone ever use the green other than people with issues? I use the green for if I've already marked in another colour, it's a real sort of keep an eye on this one if I use the green. Well it is literally keep an eye on this one because that's the colour used by I believe sort of serial killers and difficult prisoners.

Is it? The head of MI6. Yeah, really? It's hardly worth them buying the pen, they just get a green pen for the serial killer. No good trying money away. Just track who buys those. Just buy another shovel. So, I was in a cafe in Newcastle, where the first thing I enjoyed about it was hearing

people with thick Geordie accents order a pumpkin spice latte. Oh, latte. That gave me a lot of joy in my heart. It's a very fun accent. And then I thought to myself, well, I'm going to treat myself. I'm going to have a black coffee. And I, my eye was caught by a cherry scone. The cherries embedded in it. Oh yeah. I know, I know, I know the type. Well, I just want to confirm something. I hope you'll bear with me. Is it a maraschino or fresh?

Oh, we're in maraschino territory. No, I'm out. I know. I tell you, I was at a friend's house and he had glacier cherries in his cupboard. And I had to look at the ingredients and it said, cherries, 42%. Oh, God. it said cherries 42% and I thought what not even half of a Glacier cherry and it was 58% Glacier. No it wasn't. It was just sugar and stuff. But who would have thought the cherry would play a minor part in a Glacier cherry? Less than half. Yeah, just a sort of red shell for a...

I'm surprised they have the temerity to even call it a cherry. It should be cherry-flavored sugar spheres. I wish they'd call it that. That's what you'd call it. Cherry-flavored sugar sphere. Anyway, you're in the cafe. What do you mean? Like...

I said I want a scone with cherry flavor. Sugar spheres! So I ordered it, and it was one of those cafes where you pay and they say, we'll bring it over to you. So I sat down and they brought it over on the little tray and they put down my coffee and they put down the cherry scone and then they put down, and I counted them and took a photo, 14 serviettes. Wow.

I know. You know those paper ones that you would lay a knife and fork on like a calf, you know, greasy spoon. 40, a stack. What did I look like? I was about to do, did I slather so much when I was looking through the little counter? One of those they were probably trying to help you with bedding The winter oh, yeah That I think shredded up like I think it's because I'll take four, you know, because taking one is quite a delicate Yeah, they're quite sometimes they can be quite thin. They need separators like your checkout on the supermarket.

Oh yes. Yeah, the little rubber stick of possession. I don't like it when people are too reactive with the separator. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? I mean, you've got to abide your time. You've got to get the timing absolutely right with that separator. Sometimes I'll deliberately hold back on putting

it down. People are so anxious. Don't think between their grocery and mine. You see, this can only end one way. I'll have to buy all of their groceries. That's the law. No court in the land would touch him. People get such a state over that area, don't they? They do. It would be a completely unfixable problem. Yes. Well, it's all mixed up now. As if you wouldn't notice if someone else, if you were having to buy it. Then put it down.

There's no etiquette. You see, you don't, you know, it's not like when you take the bread roll from the left. You can put a separator there if you want to. It would be, how forgetful are you how big a shop? Is it where you just look back and go I suppose I wanted to buy 12 bottles of champagne Yeah, I'm celebrating something the year supply of nappies well, so be it But should I have been... You alright Frank? Where do we put...

Where do we put them nappies? Anyway... Should I have been offended by four... No! ... 14 serviettes. It was so much more... I looked at other people's plates. They didn't have 14. Why do you think they... I mean... It might have been. Maybe... I thought they, I mean yeah. It might have been, maybe.

I thought do I need to comb my hair? Maybe she'd taken stuff out the fridge and her hand had become a little numb and she couldn't hold any less than 14. Like a sort of flipper effect, she just kind of scooped a stack of them. I don't think it's, I'd be happy, I'd take them away if I get a lot. Of course you would. Yeah, because you never know when you might need a serviette. That's true.

Might run out of loo paper or something. Well that's what the nephews are for. I wish I'd gone there with it. When we was in... Me and my potty mouth. When we talked about horror films the other week and I was on about... I went to see a zombie film. Did you?

No, did you? I think it was in my drinking days, made me courageous. And it was a late night filming. Lots of talk, everyone was talking in there. And I think that's because they were a bit frightened and they wanted to remind themselves they were still in the real world. But I had to urinate about 45 minutes in and I went to the toilet. I was so frightened by the film I kicked every cubicle door open to make sure there was no zombies in there. In case there was a shitting zombie.

Yeah, exactly. Well, you don't want to... Don't call them that. That's the general rule. You don't want to follow a zombie into a cubicle. Oh, another shitting zombie. Give it five minutes if I were you. Yeah. Look, I don't mind you not flushing, but this is actually thigh flesh. Come into my office, that's what we call it.

Yeah, but I did. How frightened I was that I looked in every one foot. Did you really? Yeah, and now it sounds insane. And when I was doing it, I kind of knew, but I was too frightened. I weren't going to stand at that urinal and then a zombie come out the cubicle. With a newspaper under his arm. Well, he wanted the daily zombie. With an arm under his arm. Well, he was a daily zombie. With an arm under his arm?

With a newspaper under his arm under his arm. Do zombies get engaged, do they understand small talk? Do you know what I mean, like urinal small talk? Can I ask you a question? Hold it, can I just say there is no such thing as urinal small talk. Men don't talk in toilets. I always wanted to know this. When you walk into a urinal, when you walk through a storm,

when you walk into a urinal, what happens? Like when you stand there, does someone go, evening all or something? I tell you what you do. People just go, ah piss. No one starts swearing. You've gone mad over on a podcast. The freedom of a podcast. Yeah, you've become some sort of scallywag.

Go on, tell me what happens at the urinal. So, you don't speak to anyone. Often the urinal, especially if you're at the gig or somebody's fully occupied, and I like to think when I walk in, I can spot which one's going to finish first. How can you spot that? I think comfort, you go for someone who looks confident because a lot of men they need like three minutes just to get over the stress of urinating in public so they're just standing there. Yeah. Awful. Yeah. So you and then and then

you just go but you never ever speak. I might occasionally, as I, as I settle there, I might go floors cold, but that it's more of a black content. So is it ever at the urinal? Has someone ever said it's coming home, Frank? Not at the urinal. I've been asked for a selfie in the actual toilet, but not at the urinal. Well, you couldn't do a selfie in the actual toilet, but not at the urinal. Well, you couldn't do a selfie in the urinal. In my experience, urinal chatter or an attempt at it is a sign of a particularly drunk nightclub

patron. Is it? Having a good night. Yeah. I was. Yeah, I was usually drunker than them, which is why I didn't get the conversation. The thing I used to do was support myself with my head against the wall whilst doing it. That's never a good sign.

I have heard of golf clubs and things where they have a sort of commemorative cushion, sort of nailed to the wall above the urinal with someone's name on because they were such a prolific drinker. Well, I've still, you know, at my age, I've still got a good head of hair and I think it might be urine spores. It's kept that rich and lustrous. This is the kind of thing that would go big on TikTok. You've really sincerely explaining that if you sort of rub your forehead on dry urine on a wall, that's how you keep it. Well, is that what Frank should do? Frank's hacks. Hey guys, more your rhino tips this week from Frank's here.

Really unproven sort of health and lifestyle hacks. You're quite big on TikTok. Did you know that? Am I? Yeah. Oh, by the way, just on the subject of social media, just very briefly, why have you unfollowed me on Instagram, Frank? I haven't unfollowed you. You have. Am I on Instagram? Yes, you are. And you unfollowed me on Instagram, Frank? Well, I haven't unfollowed you. You have. Am I on Instagram?

Yes, you are and you unfollowed me. I have people operating my... They've unfollowed me. Oh. Because... We had this thing, I went into the office and they showed me, they were trying to persuade me to put clips on the internet. So they showed me some clips of major comedians.

And then I have a clip of them doing stand up and then they showed me another one. And they showed me three of these and at the end they said, so what have you learnt from this? And I said, I'm brilliant. I don't think they were expecting me. No they weren't. And they weren't allowed to laugh. Well I just want to say, you only follow one person and there's only a handful. Is it Jesus? No, it's your manager.

Which is a bit tragic. It was the manager. It's your management company. Oh do I? You just follow them. But the only other people who... Yeah, the thing that gets me about those, they're supposed to be following me. I have this conversation a lot, who works for who. Yeah. I've looked up other celebrities who only follow one person.

It's a very small group of you. All I could find was you, Oprah Winfrey. Who does she follow? She just follows Oprah lifestyle I think so another one of her brands. Arrogant. Beyonce I think and Adele and maybe Billie Eilish that's it. There's a theme here so it's me and four major female celebrities. No and Bad Bunny as well. Who's that? He's the king of Latin trap How many Americans has he caught this week It's also a raise a rap He's a rapper slash wrestler

He's a rapper slash wrestler. Oh, okay. You don't know Bad Bunny. You'd love Bad Bunny. I don't know. I don't know Bad Bunny. Okay. Latin Trap would be a sort of incredibly elitist Radio 4 game show as well. Exactly.

I'm afraid you've conjugated the verb completely wrong there. Imagine if he rapped in Latin. Maybe he does. Yeah. He was also the first man on the cover of Playboy magazine, but that's a whole other story. Was he really? Okay.

Anyway, as you were. Yeah, Bruno Tognolli I met at an opening night and he told me he was doing a Learn Latin Today podcast. Was he? Yeah. No. I believed it. I tell you what he did do.

He said, the answer's in my vest. And I said, what, you mean your singlet? Which a word I don't think he knew. And he opened his jacket and he dropped the 1970s onto the floor. In other words, what dropped out of his jacket was a silver cigarette case, which popped open and cigarettes went all over the floor. He said, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, be an international dual thief. You really don't see those anymore outside of a sort of Alec Guinness film. Yeah, or that he was going to try and earn your trust in an interrogation.

Well I tell you, the trouble is when you see cigarettes like that in a case, you do think, oh yeah, I wouldn't mind that. It's like sweets. Well I suspect he might have had the Sobrani. Do you remember those, Frank? Oh God, yes, Sobrani Black Russians. Tell Pierre what they were. They were known as

cocktail cigarettes and they used to come, you could get the Black Russian which was for night work, Pete Wicks smoked them. And then the Joe Wicks. The Joe would have been on the, they were sort of pastel shaded cigarettes. I've seen these. They're a bit Rainbow Bridge. And they had gold tips on them. I've seen these. They're like party cigarettes. I'm afraid, obviously, this isn't a very lovely, wholesome story, but my grandmother would buy them for us and we'd hide them in our doll's house. When you were what age? I don't really wish to discuss that. I'm afraid we were very young. This is what Bohemians do.

Were they hidden as bolsters on the... Yeah, we would hide them in the doll's house and the parents couldn't really see them because they looked like possibly pieces of doll furniture. They just looked and said, well, there's a Sylvania family that's got bazookas. Yeah, exactly. Just a traditional Victorian bazooka on the shelf over there. They're building their own forefront of their Graceland model. It's a log cabin. It's the Frank Skinner podcast.

The new winter change is blowing. It's the Frank Skinner podcast. I'm not totally sure how it's going. So listen, I got up in the morning and I put my, a nation holds its breath. I put my... Strange blues song. Contact lenses in. Yeah. I wear, sometimes I wear contact lenses. Is it lens? L-E-N-S-E or is it L-E-N-S? I would say contact lenses. Now, but just for the single. Would the lens have an E on the end? No. Single, no.

Okay. I won't bring it up again. Anyway. See that you don't. So I did that and I, a bit later in the dad, and if you've, do you two ever, you ever wear contact? You do, Emily. What happens is sometimes a contact lens actually goes into the back of your eye. It goes right around the back of the eyeball and you just can't get it out. So as you know I'm quite a fan of the opticians cubits. Yes. And I was passing a cubit.

Can I just say I went to qubits recently for an MOT. You can take your spectacles in and they send them away to be polished and reinforced. Do they charge you? No, they do not. Okay. Reinforced against what? And your cleaning fluid which they give you when you get your spectacles. You can go in and top up your container. Free. Free? And you get a free tote bag. Gosh.

You know I love a free tote bag. How do you reinforce glasses? Totes are mosh. That's what I call my... How do you reinforce? They just tighten everything up, you know. Right. We've all done it, dear.

We've all had it done. Yeah. And they've also got their own podcast, that's all I'm saying. I've never listened to it, but I'm glad it exists. Are you having an affair with someone from Cuba? I think it's, I think praising a brand I'm sincerely positive about will be good practice for when I have to praise brands which mean nothing to me.

I can use the emotional memory of talking about Qubits to advertise whatever it is that we're doing. Probably be cigarettes. Part of cigarettes. You can lie back and think of Qubits, as you say. Exactly. Nine out of ten doctors recommend these cigarettes. I went into cubits and do you remember this? There was a woman who had a t-shirt on with a band on the t-shirt and I actually played that band's record on the radio show the next

week. Yes, I do remember that. Do you remember Faye's Greek Vars sweatshirt? Yes, I do remember that. Do you remember Fay's Greek vase sweatshirt? Yes, I do. That was very embarrassing. No. Was it, Fay? I'd been to an exhibition, Fay used to work on the radio show,

and I'd been to an exhibition called something like the Art of Beauty. So it was at the British Museum, and it had a lot of Greek statues and stuff, but it had these Greek vases with black figure. Do you know that thing? And I'd never really noticed how brilliant they were before, and I was sort of gobsmacked by these vases.

And then a couple of weeks later, she'd got a sweatshirt with one of these vase designs on it. And I said, oh, man, I love that, it's great, the thing. And then I thought, oh, can you even look at things on women's sweatshirts anymore? Anyway, the next time she wore that sweatshirt, she wore it so the design was on the back. Oh man. I mean, come on, what else could that be? I honestly don't think that was because of you. I mean, come on, what else could that be? I honestly don't think that was...

Yeah, you look at it back there, but you just get away. I felt like vermin. What was the dissonance? No, I think, look, Faye feels confident that that's just, you know, you're not like that. What, she just thinks, I'll wear this the other way around this time. Do you have any clothes that you think, which way around shall I wear it this time? No. No, no one does.

Frank, off the radio at AvalonUK.com. Anyway, so I went in and I said, can you help me? I've got a contact lens. Is that what you said when you walked into the shop? Yeah. Were you out of breath? Ding ding. Well they often...

Can you help me? They often lead you and say, can I help you? Don't they? So it's not controversial. No, I think you'll find we all know what they say, Frank, which is, do you need any help at all? Not in qubits. They're all like we're spectacles and are quite cool. What do they talk like in qubits? So if I went into qubits, can you help me? What would you say? What would they say? Yeah, what's... They'd say, sure. What's going wrong with you? This is cool. Yeah. Yeah. What's going wrong with you? And I'd say, I've got a contact and they'd go, hey, Captain Bring Down, don't bring me any negative waves. That's what they say, QB.

You know what they sound like? You know when they do like Scooby Doo, a hippie character cartoon? Yeah. That's what they say. Or an undercover cop. So you've walked in and they've said, hey, what's going wrong with you? And I said, I've got me a contact, that's what I said to them. And they said, yeah, the thing is we don't do contacts. We only do spectacles. They sort

of said, where do you think you are? Well, yeah, I'll come in when I've got my spectacles wedged down the back of my eyeball. Don't worry, you'll be the first place. No, I think they're very strict about that. I think it's like an honesty thing. If you're short-sighted, be upfront about it and wear spectacles. Don't try and hide. Don't have like secret see-through things helping you to see. Oh, there's like a purity and integrity to it. Yeah, it's like trainer socks. I'm really anti trainer socks. Because I think if you're going to wear socks, be upfront and let people see your socks. Don't hide them behind your shoes.

And if you're not going to wear socks, be... Be honest. Man United sometime in the 90s. No, but this was it. You see, I was led to trying... Because I saw people in trainer socks and thought they weren't wearing socks, I thought, oh, it's okay then to wear trainers. And my feet being in direct contact with them won't do any harm at all. That's incorrect. I had to throw them away for about a month. So you feel like you were uncleanable.

You were misled. Yeah. Uncleanable. They were. They smelled appallingly because there was nothing. There was no barrier, no hidden secret barrier. Have you been misled by trainer socks? Have your shoes become unwearable? This is like one of those daytime TV ads.

I honestly think that people walked around with just in trainers. Were you fooled into thinking that all of us were just going naked? Yeah, and it made me overconfident. And only you had this kind of terrible foot issue that meant that it was not possible. No, but my feet, I think I've said before, when I was doing my A-levels at the College of Further Education, there was a woman who prided herself on having sweaty feet and we had one of those, you know when you stand on a parquet floor and you take your shoe off and press your foot down, whoever gets the dampest patch wins. Do you know that old tournament?

No, I don't think we ever took part in that particular quidditch. Mine was like Man Friday on the beach, you could see every vein. Was that your equivalent of hockey? Yeah. Well, anyway, that was... So I... Yeah. I'm against the hockey.

Anyway, it came out. How did you get it out? Well, you don't get it out. That's the point. It just emerges. It just lives there forever. No. So you'll be sitting there and you'll think, hold on.

I mean, one of the problems, when I went into the shop, is there was just a young woman in the shop. Yeah. With a T-shirt with a Greek voice turned around the other way. No, no, but my point is, you know, I'm at my age. You don't want to go to a young woman in the shop. Reach into my eye.

Yeah. Well, just, I was experiencing involuntary winking. And I thought, this is a court case waiting to happen. This is like a carry-on film. Now, when you're going to wink involuntarily for the next hour, don't go in that shop full of buxom women. I never said she was buxom. I never used the word buxom.

But in the carry-on film, it would happen. And if you will take your trombone around with you wherever you go, Frank, what do you expect? Anyway. Oh, so I, oh, by the way, I had these little round glasses I got from Cubing. Continuing the Charles Hortry thing. Yeah, I had it, exactly. And, ah, ah, ah, ah. And I was doing a radio for sitcom. And with, Ahiya Shah was one of the people.

Do you know Ahiya Shah, the popular comedian? And he said to me, ah, cobits round glasses. And I thought, if you're going to me, ah, Cobbitts round glasses. He said, Cobbitts? And I thought, if you're going to tease, don't say Cobbitts. And I said, it's Cubitts, isn't it? He goes, no, no, I think it is Cobbitts. Oh, is it Cubbitts?

I don't think it is. And in fact, the next time I went into Cubitts, I said, can I ask you a little dispute? You're so petty. You're so petty. What do you call this shop? She said, how Mr. Skit. No, she didn't. She said Qubits. She said stop winking. And I thought, come on, she works here. So that was one over on Ahiojah. It was the second- What a lovely ending to that story. That was one over on Ahio-Shar. It was the second... What a lovely ending to that story. That was won over on Ahio-Shar. Well, let me tell you this. We had a few disputes, he and I. What about this one? I was telling one of my... This is a good theme for the podcast, disputes.

No, but specifically disputes with Ahio-Sah. Yes, yes, yes. Yeah, I don't know, I haven't had enough. I only had two. There was Cubits Cobits, which I won. Yep. What do you think of this one? Very Donald Trump, which I won. Yeah, exactly.

Talking to Ayushah. Very confident guy. Beautiful comedian. Yeah. Fantastic comedian. Tremendous. Tremendous. Anyway. comedian yeah fantastic comedian tremendous tremendous anyway anyway I was telling a story about a lady who I dated in the 90s I when I say dated I

mean we went out I didn't find her in a peep bog and and I said she was an amazing typist I said she could do a hundred words a minute. And it was amazing to watch her type. I said the first time she did it, I thought she was just fooling around. And then at the end of it, everything's perfectly spelled and it's in paragraphs. And a hundred words a minute, it's brilliant.

So he's really laughing. Ah, he, I haven't got to the funny bit yet. And he said, I said, what are you laughing at? He said, I think every millennial sitting in here now is thinking, oh God, Frank thinks that's like a special thing, but it's something that everyone can do. And I said, no, I don't think everyone can type 100 words a minute. And he sort of said, no, how believe me that's like really average and I said

No, no, I isn't it's really special. So the next day he sent me an online test that he'd done In which he typed I think it was 97 words. Yeah in a mini But as I pointed out and this is a nice way to resolve an argument, that's because you're a bit of a genius. You're not average at all. Also, it's easier on a modern keyboard, I think. So you sort of won the argument. You're suggesting that any woman I went out with must be from the distant past.

Yes, just rocks with letters painted on them. Exactly. But no, because typewriters... Don't get me wrong, come to think of it, she's no longer with us. Oh, fine. I made that up. I made that up. What occasionally has to throw a conversational hand grenade?

But even, but those, even like the typewriters from the sort of 80s and 90s and stuff, they're still quite like, your fingers have got to come in at a higher angle, I think. It's not like a laptop right now. They all touch type these young people. I notice Pierre touch types. We don't, Frank. Could you do 100 words in a minute, Pierre?

Let's find out. Oh, I've all heard that. He just did that thing with his knuckles. Now don't do it now. That would be a great theme for a show this week. Tightening. People at home going, hold on, one, two, three, four. But they don't know how many letters are in the word.

That's true if it's just ah. They'd have to do characters. Do they still do the quick brown fox prank? Jumps over, do you know that one? The lazy dog. I don't know I've been to a secretarial college for 30 years well that's because you were banned not on the car part I said anyway obviously I'm only telling these stories to suggest I'm still in some ways part of the modern comedy community you're in a

sitcom together? Oh yeah. But I was there as a novelty old guy. Oh no. It's all right. I'm fine with that. Okay. So yeah. By the way, do you get eye test pride? When you get the wooden paddle, it's got the ever reduced size of reading.

I know the wooden paddle, my friend. Yeah. I'd love to play table tennis with two of those. Yeah. A wooden paddle? You're given a wooden paddle and it's got text on it. The lady, it's usually a lady, will say, what's the smallest you can read? I thought it was on a poster across the room.

Now, this is reading, it's pro, it's a chunk of prose, it's the test you're reading. You get two tests though if you have two for, I have two, do you have two types of glasses Frank? No. Oh okay. Just reading. What's the prose? Well I, it's things about eyes. I suppose they've got it to hand. It's not about, it's not the meaning that's important. It's that you can read it. What if it was just a poem that they had written? And what did you think?

I couldn't cope with that. I can read all of it, and what did you think? Well, I find, she'll say to me, I always go to the tiniest tiniest and I can read it like bare-eyed and often now say, okay, okay, okay and I just carry on because I just think no one is in the whole thing because I can do the whole thing. Listen to me to the lower case, I don't even need sticks to help me with it, I can do all the little ones. It's a great feeling. Like you want them to say you're in the top 0.01% of reading. You know that feeling.

But then you wouldn't really need the glasses. You need to dispense with their services. You know what odd things to be proud of. Like when you're waiting, when there's a red man on a pelican crossing and somebody crosses on the red and they look at the people waiting like yes, yes, I don't follow the herd. Actually I like all the things to be proud of. Can our readers please send in? Yeah, you got any? I think what I see, the people that don't get up straight away when the plane lands. Yeah. Oh, yeah, you carry on, you stoop onto the overhead lockers. Yeah, I'm fine here. Do you know I always feel, I think that's such a big dividing line that I'm a real stair on the plane.

No, I'm up. I'm standing bent, bent. Are you? Yeah, like Pete Wicks' brother doing a back exercise video. Phew. Yeah. For me, it depends on if I'm on a particularly budget flight airline. I was on a very budget airline flight back from Astagdou and I genuinely, it was pretty

close to me not fitting in the chair. I can believe that. I was pretty close to saying to the air hostess, I can't sit in the chair as an object that exists. It's not even like I'm uncomfortable. Wow. It's not happening. Well, I've told you Pierre, the world's strongest men who I've travelled with, they did need

to book two seats in advance. But that sounds uncomfortable. Talk about your grocery separator. Imagine having to sit on that armrest. Can you imagine? Poor Phil Pfister. Oh well, I mean as if he's in enough pain. Oh dear.

Oh, where's another proud person? I don't want to end on that. It's a man with a papoose. Oh yeah. Not proud of the baby, but proud of the fat. He's sort of saying, look, I'm a man and I'm still, I'm okay with wearing the papoose. Yeah.

And it's not even camo. Yeah, no, it's not camo. Oh, I don't like a camo papoose. No, I don't care, but so proud. Yeah, I'd love to hear some strange things to be proud of from our many wondrous readers who I am very proud of. And they are strange. Thanks for listening to the podcast. Make sure to like and follow so you never

miss an episode and if you want to get in touch you can email the podcast via Frank off the radio at AvalonUK.com