The Frank Skinner Show - Contact Lenses

Episode Date: June 9, 2025

This week it's the return of Hungry Frank and he shares a bathroom-based game he likes to play... The team also discuss the Dr Who Finale, a case of nominative determinism and pigeons. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

It's Frank off the radio, featuring him and that posh lady-o, and the one with the French name, from South Africa came. They're all here, open brackets, hooray! Close brackets today! Hi, this is Frank off the radio. I'm joined by Emily Dean and Pierre Novelli. Follow the podcast on X and Instagram. You can email, Insta they call it, don't they? I don't know what they call X, Twitter I believe. The Gram. Oh, don't they call it The Gram? The Gram, yeah. The Gram.

I never heard it called that. You can email the podcast via frankofftheradio at AvalonUK.com or you can WhatsApp us on. Now people have been sending in ways of doing the WhatsApp number, which is less tedious than me just doing it. So we've had one from Sound Warper, who I believe we've heard from when we were a radio show way back. He's a bit of a friend of the show. Let's see what SW has come up with. You can WhatsApp us on 7457 417 769 Oh! Yeah? Oh, we sound a bit like a sort of Fleetwood Mac tribute band. Seven, six, nine. Oh. Yeah. Oh, we sound a bit like a sort of Fleetwood Mac tribute band. What genre was that, yeah?

It's got a lot of me in it. Mmm. But you know, I like it. And never a bad thing from your perspective. It's been very, it's been quite a success, the people sending in the WhatsApp numbers. But if I do say so myself. No, but I mean it's either not... The feature that I initiated has been... No But if they're the stars of it, I just come up with the idea, you know, it's the practice.

You can request, I bet, if they're all listening. When would you like? Which one? So we've had three so far. Yeah. We've got five. I watched Britain's Got Talent final recently. And there's 11 finalists.

What? And what you would do is say, right, and in third place, blah, blah, and in second place and then you'd have the winner be excited. So what they do is, right, in 11th place and you think, why do that to someone? They've got to the final and you need to establish that they came last they don't care about people they don't care about them they're just chattels do you watch Britain's Got Talent? Well I was going to but Frank Skinner said they don't care about people. Well pointed out they treat them like chattels. Yeah exactly that I'm not totally

sure what chattels are they They're people who you own. You should know. Do you own them? Are they like slaves? It's goods and chattels. It's goods and chattels. Is it a doomsday book thing? Yeah, it's sort of farming tools and cows and your possessions. Isn't that what you get when you get the wife and the chattels or something?

Well, it's that kind of ownership. You can do with them as you wish. Oh, I don't know about that. I went to, we had the initial read through this week of Do Gooders which is a radio for sitcom written by Piers mate actually Garrett Millerick. And this is series two, isn't it? It is series two. And it's a comedy. It's a comedy, yeah. I'm, you know, I'm not a major party. I'll be straight with you. Are you, are you an as himself Frank Skinner?

No, I'm an old source of fascist, office fascist. Are you? Yeah. Why did he cast you on? I don't know. An award nominated old fascist. Yeah, well exactly. You got nominated for the award. Why did he cast you on? An award nominated Old Fetters. You got nominated for the award.

I got nominated for Best Comedy Performance, which was the only award the show in the end got nominated for. And I think when I saw the new scripts, I realized that might have been tactically a mistake. Oh, thank. I think I'm being punished for being outstanding. Anyway, that's not what I'm talking about. I was starving. I really wanted a bacon sandwich. You've been hungry a lot. Have you got a tapeworm or something?

I don't know what I've got. Normally you're almost immune to food, like some sort of anchorite. You've turned into Billy Bunter. Hungry Frank, yeah. I have. I've turned into Billy Bunter, the fat owl of the remove. Because I believe his pals nicknamed him No Savouries. Shomping away on your Moen bars into city. One of those Beano characters sort of goes, slurp blort or whatever, they're so hungry.

Why are we eating here so much? I had a mate who was, he loved the Beano and occasionally he would just take his handkerchief out of his bucket and say, pop, and then put it back in again. Anyway, so I went to this, I kept passing these cafes thinking I was so on a bacon sandwich. Hang on, where were you en route to? I was walking from the railway station to the place where the read through was. Oh, outside London I see. No, it was... Railway?

Okay. Well, you know, overground. Okay. Anyway, so I was walking down that road, there were several cafes, but they all had things like acai bowls. Who wants that? So I hadn't got a rabbit with me. So I... It's a 1973 attitude towards times. I know, but when you want a bacon... Oh, you and that salad, you turn into a lully rabbit. I don't mind them places existing. Them places!

But I thought there might be one sort of cafe, cafe where you could get a bacon sandwich. I know what you mean. You wanted a good old fashioned bacon butty. Anyway, eventually I went quite a way out of my way and got one. I'm mad, I was really mad, glad I'd made the effort. You know when you really want something and then you get it, you know, a bit like Donald Trump. Sometimes you find. Yeah, so it was, oh man. And the guy said to me, what do you want it, sourdough? I said no. You wanted a plain. Mother's pride. He said brioche. And I said to him, what is brioche? And he honestly looked at me like

I'd slapped my genitals on the work surface. He said, you know brioche, I said, I know it's a word that's banded about, but I don't really know what it is. And he said, it's like a soft, sweet bun. I said, no, I don't want that either. And in the end, we got down to... Bread. It was called summit. It wasn't just called bread. It had something to do with seeds. Yes, but it was some sort of bat, was it? No, it was a sandwich and it was great and I really, really, really enjoyed it. But I've just found, like I went to the vet, my poor dog has got an ulcer in its eyeball.

Ooh. And they told me that and I said, what is an ulcer? I thought what's happened to me just slightly? Frank, you've become awfully hungry and ignorant lately. Yeah? Frank, the very hungry and ignorant caterpillar. It's the first time I've really felt I've slotted in with the masses. Oh Frank, that's terrible. It's the first time I've really been slotted in with the masses. Oh Frank, that's terrible. Become a lot more relatable.

Yeah, exactly. Suddenly I've got loads of friends. Let them eat brioche. I'm out every night. I'm watching all the popular TV shows. So the ulcer, did you spot the ulcer before? Is that why you took? Yeah, yeah. Okay. But I just thought what is an ulcer? Do you know what an ulcer is? Well, I thought an ulcer was internal and affected your sort of stomach or something

and your gastric organs. But yeah, but what, do you know what an ulcer is? It's a sort of fluid filled sore, isn't it? See, we, what? We don't know. There are layers. Your skin and your eyes are a bit like lasagna. And you get a parting of those layers and then something forms in, you know, infection. Oh, is that what it is?

And you get something in between your layers. It's in between the sheets. It's like the princess and the pea. Oh, and the ulcer's the pea. Princess and the ulcer. The princess and the ulcer. So can they laser these things off now? No.

Oh man, she's on drops, antibiotics. Anyway, there's no jokes in this. I've been very upset about the whole thing. Well, surprised. I had a tuna melt as well recently. You know what I love the way he says it? Part of your campaign of discovering food time to finally get around to this whole food thing any stories don't involve you scoffing your face finally

old enough to eat combination fish and cheese. And hot. No one ever has fish and cheese. I'll have fish and cheese please. Can I have some fish and cheese please? I think someone has mistaken the word ore for an ampersand. Well, I tell you, it's only tuna. Oh, it's great.

Yeah. Was it nice? Yeah. They are nice. Well, except when you find a rogue onion in there. Well, stop putting sweetcorn in things, please. Everyone listening. I don't mind.

Stop it. I don't mind. Now, what am I going to sick up if there's no sweetcorn? Oh. I'll tell you what, you know when I say- It's just so student halls of residence. Anything to do with sweetcorn. Stop putting sweetcorn in there.

I'll tell you something that was a bit, student halls or residence. I occasionally, not every day, but quite regularly, I wear contact lenses. I'm wearing them now. Disposables. So this is probably bad for the planet, but when I dispose of the disposables, I just drop them in the toilet.

Yeah. Is that okay? Well, it can lead to fish having much better eyesight. That's a good thing. It's quite risky. That's a good thing. You don't want them seeing what we're up to. I don't want them. I want, if I'm a fish, I want to see that cheese coming.

I don't like the idea of pervy fish either, looking at ladies bikinis under the water. It's disgusting. The fish monocle. Yeah. Oh god. Giving it a really good look. I bet they do that as well. Oh, I bet they do.

No wonder they got their mouths open all the time. Especially those ones with the really goggly eyes. Yeah. Oh, a lot of lovely ladies coming in their bikinis. Disgusting. Yeah, but and of course what's great for them is they forget seconds later. It's like having internet porn, it's just one person in the water. I tell you, I bet those trout look sleazy. Anyway.

Yeah, so where was I? Oh yeah, so what I do is I just chuck it in the toilet. This is the contact lens? Yeah, and very often one or both of them don't actually make, you know that the pond at the bottom of the toilet where the water is? The well, yeah. Yeah so that they just sit on the side. Oh I see what you mean on the slopes? Yeah on the basin slopes, on the ski slopes. They sit on the slopes, they have the armatice where slopes and when you get up the next morning, well, for the

whole week, I'm trying to piss them off. Oh, I see. And they're looking back up at you. Yeah. But it's- Sorry, ladies. But I spend- We don't look in that area. I look forward to going to the toilet to have another go at that disposal because when you finally get one off, it's really exciting. It's like

taking a, it must be like the Nazis taking a Swiss Mountaineer off or something. No it's not Frank. It really isn't. And I cannot relate to this because I never stare directly into the toilet bowl, okay? Don't you? No, why would I? Well no, I wouldn't probably if I... Related? If I didn't urinate. if I didn't urinate.

If I didn't urinate! I can really concentrate the jet, try and get on to where it's connected. You develop a technique to remove a disposable vessel. You see all the methods. So imagine that you're sort of underwater welder. I sometimes imagine, I'll be absolutely, you know I'm inclined to daydream that I've been brought in as a sort of redder dare figure and they said someone's you know clamped this bomb on the side of the submarine and I'm there. Gentlemen we need someone to piss us, piss this bomb off.

No it's not, it's not pissing, it's me with some sort of laser. Yeah yeah yeah. My wrinkly laser as I call it. Really? Anyway, who needs an Xbox? My God. Guess what? No one wants to buy your wrinkly laser. No, but if you're a man with disposable contacts, that's it. That's all the fun of the fair. Who needs Call of Duty when you can piss a little lens off? You too can pretend to be Red Adair. But it'll hold on. With a scream of your urine. I've got one on there at the moment, it's been on there, I bet it's 10 days.

I don't want to know because I don't want to know. Don't tell me what happens to that contact lens, or how you put out the fire, or whether Redder dares involve or whoever else. It's such a mad, like, be grateful sort of version of the be grateful speech at Christmas to some kid who's sad he hasn't got an Xbox. Well, you've got a contact lens, don't you?

You've got a piss? You know, there are children that would have run a mile to get hold of a contact lens in a toilet bowl. Yeah. Exactly. No, no, it's purely for fun. Do you know, I'm so glad I don't get involved in the business end, as it were. We just sit there and I have a very need to know basis. I don't have clearance level for that information. I don't wish to know it. I just let them get on with what they're getting on behind me

and I don't get involved. One of my other favorite things is putting things in soak. Oh, what, items of clothing? Not in the toilet bowl. No, no, like, Kath will leave. She will deporage in a saucepan and then leave it to go really hard. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, You thought you'd got away with it, didn't you? You thought you were going to get a really good purchase. Not to the oats! Not on my watch! Not on my watch! And it's great, I feel it right off and I think now you are lost, you'll never get a good grip on that. Because they are persistent little suckers, aren't they?

Oh man, the porridge. I think the porridge are the worst, most pushy of all. There's something in your psyche that is the most satisfying thing for you is thing being removed off surface by you. Exactly. You'd be a great enemy for Spider-Man. Pissing him off a skyscraper. Oh, I'd dread to think what his name is, but the urinator. Or just that, if I was like a serial killer with the sense of the big picture. Just removing things

from the surface of the globe. Oh, see Kat does a thing where she, I don't know how she does this, but she will leave hair, like a wad of hair, as a warning, in a cup. So I'll pick up a cup. I don't know where the hair comes from. I'll tell you where it comes from. It's in the bath. It comes, your hair, if you have long hair, sometimes it will molt. So she needs to get a drain catcher. They're like little sieves you put over. That's all right, we've got mugs. She couldn't use... What? She puts them in mugs, the hair.

Yeah, so I'll pick up a mug. It's a mug she's had a cup of tea of and she sat down, she's pulled a big thing out of her hair and put it in the mug. And it's like tumbleweed. It looks like tumbleweed. Oh, man. A woman said to me once... What hair in mug with leaf of tea?

Did I tell you this? A woman I was seeing said to me, she's back in Birmingham, she said to me, I can make you love me forever because I've got your fingernails. You left some fingernails in an ashtray. Really? Yeah. This has dated it a bit. I love that, the ashtray. I took them. Yeah. And I can make a spell that will make you love me. That'll smell lovely. Yeah. I've stuck your fingernails to the inside of the loo and I know you can't resist. Yeah, I've got your fingernails. They were in my arse cheeks.

Oh man. What happened to her? She was nice actually. She got burned at the stake I think. I think Arthur Miller wrote a play about her and her ilk. Yeah, what was the name? Goody Baxter! Anyway, that's something that happened. Frank, I'd like to share something with you. I don't want to stop you mid-flow. No, no, I'm not mid-flow.

I'm very relieved to hear. Andy Cap shouted to me from his bedroom window. His wife was called Flo. This episode is sponsored by Shopify. If you've shopped online, chances are you've bought from a business powered by Shopify. You know the purple shop pay button you see at checkout. The one that makes buying so incredibly easy. Yeah that's Shopify. And there's a reason so many businesses sell with it because Shopify makes it incredibly easy to start and run your business. Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses

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it's time for you to head over to Shopify. Sign up for your £1 per month trial and start selling today at Shopify.co.uk slash frank. Go to Shopify.co.uk slash Frank. Shopify.co.uk slash Frank. We've had a couple of people getting in touch about the finale, I'm going to call it, but Scott has reached out. Hello again, lovelies. Scott here of Coventry, not the Antarctic, as previously speculated. Oh yeah, do you remember Scott? With news of Shutey leaving Doctor Who after only two series, I thought of Frank's high praise of the series. One

of the best series for many a long year. Great Doctor, great companion etc. Has Frank struck again? Firstly, dirty Dave Dennis, retired, hard talk, cancelled, Gatwa, regenerated. There was a period where there did seem to be a curse on this podcast, everything I praised. It's true Frank, it's very strange, much love Scott. Should strategically perhaps release an episode where you just fulsomely praise Vladimir Putin or? What again? I've told you what happens off there stays off there. No, that happened on there. He did actually really like Vladimir Putin.

Who? You did because you admired his physique. Oh well, you know, I often admire... you don't get world leaders who will take their top off. Well I think you just have a weird thing, it's that childhood sort of Russian thing. I think you like the raw masculinity of it and the taking a bear round on a chain or something appeals to you. Yeah I can see that. It doesn't even deny it! Most people would say, what do you mean? Most people would like a bear on a chain, wouldn't they?

Yeah. No, do you know why? Why? I've told you before. Is it cruel? I think you'll find it's very cruel. Oh no. As I was told in India.

But they're very cruel, aren't they, bears? There are some animals that just got their ass kicked for it. Yeah, but what about the... have you seen those videos of the bears waving? I didn't know they waved at things. Are they really waving? In the zoos. They wave at... No one that's out in the wilds, they'll wave. They might just be thinking, if I do this every now and then, one of those big rumbling beasts ejects a series of bars that I can eat.

Yeah. Well, I saw a bear in a zoo and it was in like a pit and it kept, this was a zoo where you could feed the animals. This wasn't in this country. And the bear kept tapping its chest like this and the idea that is you threw the food where it hit, where it packed and it caught it and put it in its mouth. Did you throw food at it? No, not with you. You're not sharing your mow and bars with anyone. I think a mow and bar would have got stuck in its teeth. I think, yeah, I wouldn't, I

mean, you've got to throw something nice. Well, this is pre you discovering eating. Yeah, exactly. You would have been happy to throw food. I would have thrown my whole lunch in there. Do you know what I've noticed recently? I don't know whether this is birds have some sick sense, but I'm finding it very, I'm a little bit offended that every time I go and sit in the park just sit at the bench for five minutes a lot of birds

gather they're drawn to me and I think they know when you get older. I don't notice them there was another young attractive girl there. Birds didn't go anywhere near her. They find their mark and they think this old boot, she'll be good for a bit of old stale bread. She'll start singing. Well I saw an old boot sitting in the park recently covered in pigeons. I mean pigeons sitting on her head and shivering. Oh really?

No. And I said to... Come on. ...Boss, I said that's like the lady from Oliver, you know, that he... She said, and he said, this is the way, you know kids spot stuff you don't spot. Yeah. He said, the thing I don't like about it is she's not actually feeding them. And I looked and there was no food involved. She was just like

the perch lady. Was she just particularly grey so they thought she was a statue? I don't know what they thought but she wasn't fending them off, nor was she feeding them. Why was she getting involved with them? I think they did like you said, they thought she'll be one of those people that feed us. Honestly, because I don't know whether it's, I don't know about pigeons memories, but crows have extraordinary memories, don't they? Do they?

Yeah. Crows remember you, so if you don't give the crow the food, they'll remember you the next time and they have grudges against people. Did you know this? They're one of the most intelligent birds and they remember, if you give them them food they will haunt you. They will reward you. They'll reward you. So maybe, I don't know if it's the same for pigeons or whether the bird community, you know, they have some sort of newsletter and the pigeons have found out that she's good for it. I'm less likely to think the pigeons are clever just because of how often I've seen them try to eat the same cigarette butt over and over again. Yeah but I think with this woman they probably thought they could eat her. Was she moving? She was moving but I think they sensed that it was countdown, you know what I mean?

The final countdown! The pigeons are getting in early before the seagulls arrive. I'm just saying once they start circling, it's not a nice feeling. I know, but when they're on your shoulders and head. Oh, gross. It's only a matter of time. But they're knobbly feet. They're terrible clenched. I don't know if it happens in the rest of the country, in London there's always the one with the horrible clenched foot.

Very gnarled. Oh, the birds birds, the pigeon, not the old lady. He's always a done what they do. My theory with pigeons was that they completely ignored that warning on night nurse and they went on to operate machinery. Because they always have one terrible clench. Yeah, that they can't probably walk on Do you think that lady is machinery to them enough of them line her sort of legs and head? They'll be able to walk her around Series of strategic flapping A very, very old woman moving in a sort of terrible jerky... Puppet-like way. Pigeon powered.

You'd see her lurching towards the seed shop and you think, I see the plan here. I think so. You know the seed shop. Into the bakery. You're back again. What would you like? More, more, more seeds. More, more, more seeds. again. What would you like? Oh, you've been very clever. You've trained these birds to

figure out what debit card you can. Oh, uh, mudden. I tell you what, the revenge of the pigeons, I'm so there for that film. Yeah, but I don't know that she's done anything that requires revenge I think she just sat in the park as simple as that. I mean they're fundamentally fairly benign aren't they? Attacking people they're not like crows crows have a very dark side to them. They do murder That's what they can't help their collective now, but I mean it just so happens that they are quite vile. It's a murder of crows and a sneeze of pigeons I think.

I don't think it's a sneeze. It's a flak isn't it? Is it? That's the best they could come up with. What's a gaggle then? A geese. Oh yeah. Do you like them?

They hiss quite a lot don't they? Yeah, but they've got bad PR to be fair. What, geese? Yeah, when have you ever heard anyone say a nice thing about geese? Christmas. Or this is, bit greasy, they always say that, bit greasy but no. Don't eat it, don't put grease on it. Don't people use it to swim the channels?

I believe David Walliams put that on him. What, goose fat? Goose fat, isn't it? Yeah. And then he realized he could use it to swim the channel. That's how he got roped into it. That's how he discovered it. People kept saying, David, what is this all over you?

Are you going to swim the channel? And he had to go, hmm. And he had to agree. Yes, that's exactly what I'm doing. Yes, that's why you need to let me keep doing it. That's exactly why I smell of goose fat. Well, Gordon Ramsay, he advised, first person I ever came across, and when you do your bake-off. That's your business.

Oh, thank you. It's so childish. Carry on. Gordon Ramsay, he recommends goose fat on the potatoes of course Oh does he seem to get him up with that Do you ever do yours with goose fat? I don't do anything Fuckery wise

Well now that you've discovered food perhaps this is the uh Yeah I've discovered food there are other people Goose fat potato Now that your entire life revolves around your next snack Do you think it's time you learnt to cook? I've actually got tacos today. I'm talking Fuego, the best.

You're back on them. Lovely. Come on, eat it now. Is tacos quite a good appetite suppressant? Because I imagine it's so hot. I don't think so. No. Okay.

Nothing is. No. It seems. Because I imagine it's so hot. I don't think so. Okay. Nothing is. No. It seems. Here's a question that I once raised in stand-up, but it's sort of too seasonal to be useful. Because you can buy tins or jars of goose fat for these potatoes at Christmas.

But you can't buy any cooked goose meat. But they're clearly cooking them because there's jars of goose fat. Where's all the goose meat? You can't buy cooked goose meat. No. Do you know what I mean though? They're rendering these geese. Don't they turn? Wentz the flesh, Frank. Do they turn into patais? Is that what happens to geese? Oh, maybe.

Oh, don't. It's very cruel. Why? They smush it through a... I don't want to say. It's how they're... I don't know if they're killing them for the fat. No, it's how they're, it's how they kill them. Only in France. Yes. Okay. Okay. They smack him through a keyhole. I don't want to say what they do. No it's what it's far worse. Does it require the goose grease? Yeah thank God they're greasing otherwise they'd never get through that keyhole. I'm afraid what it requires... I don't have to get their arms out. Frank, what it requires is Albert Pier Point if you get my drink.

What they hang geese? They have a trial. But they can fly can't they? How can you hang something capable of unassisted flight? No that's not the... I don't want to go into the specifics. I'll tell you afterwards, it's so grim. Look, don't get me wrong. I've, you know, I've been very close to tears this week because of my poor dog's eye. I know. Don't mark me down as someone who doesn't care about animals. Unless there's food all the way. Birds, mind you. Pigeons. Poultry. What are they for? Frank, we've heard from Sarah. Hi team, I just wanted to share an

excellent example of nominative determinism and there was a headline she shared, first Kiwi in space, Christ Church's Mark Rocket. I like that. Oh that is good. He had to do it didn't he, given that name. We've also heard, we've heard from a couple of our readers. I saw a very good local, heard of a very good local paper. Yeah. Thing this week which was Swindonian is new Doctor Who. It was that she's from Swindon and it's like from the local Swindon. You know how local papers constantly say this person is from here? Well I saw one for your wedding. But Billy Piper described as...

Swindonian! I saw one for your nuptials in the Manchester Evening News saying comic legend walks down the aisle to Manchester legend Markie Smith. Ah! Yes? Well they should have, what they should have known is that my wife was born in Oldham. There you go. Okay, we've heard from Jenny, Costa del South Shields. Is that a made up thing? It's hyphenated. Everyone's got about at least two hyphens. No, that's his partner. He's a Greek shipping air. Costa del South Shields.

Why are you? Hi Frank, Emily and Pierre. Longtime reader, second time writer. The last time I wrote him was regarding me starring in a factual TV show alongside the lovely David Bellamy when I was at school, still alive at 85. I do remember this, I think. Is he still alive? I believe he is still alive. Maybe one of our boffins

backstage can check on this. I felt compelled. If he's dead are we gonna pull out of this like one might reverse out of a cul-de-sac? I imagine so. Okay, carry on. Fingers crossed. Apparently. He's no longer with us. Is's no longer with us is he no longer with us? his memory lives on now his memory lives on

he was an early Enfire and mentalist I would say and I would say he was the person who came in most handy for impressionists he was on everyone's list oh yeah everyone could do him him, Tommy Cooper, Frank Spencer yeah anyway Jenny continues recently Frank was talking on the podcast about, do you remember you had this incident in Waterstones, Frank, with a man slamming books around?

Oh, yeah. A lot of people have got in touch about this man. Book slammer. Yeah. Well, Jenny's explanation is this. I think the employee in question's bizarre behaviour may have an explanation. Perhaps the poor chap misunderstood the phrase and was physically carrying out a poetry slam. Oh, I like that! So he was doing that, yes. That is true. Oh man, he was slamming. I can still hear the

sound. It unsettled me so much. So tightly packed books smacking into wood. A bookshop. Yeah. Have some respect. I'd say when I was in that term, it was Blackwell's. I don't know if it exists anymore on Charing Crossroads. I only heard an old lady say to her, was probably her daughter, oh, look at the books in there. It's like a library. It is quite like a library, I suppose, a bookshop. Yeah, you've got the right idea. Where she covered in pigeons and moving very jokily.

See what... Are there any books on baking? Any books on pies? Any books on how to cook vomit. It's like ceviche, isn't it vomit? It's the acid, isn't it? Yeah, that's pigeon cuisine, isn't it vomit? Hey, what's a pigeon's life expectancy? That's 700, 800 years, I think. Yeah. How long do you think? They seem to live a long time. Four years?

Do they live a long time? Just because they're grey. They go for the George Clooney, don't they? Go grey early. Yeah, they do. And they've got that similar George Clooney grey. It's got a slight purple about it. What's the brown pigeon, Frank? Is that a wood pigeon? A wood pigeon. I think they're- Are they brown?

Yeah, they're sort of bottled brown. I find them a cut above. They are. They're a little high-synth bouquet with the other pigeons. I thought a wood pigeon was just grey but with like a white colour. No, they're brown. They're more like a thrush colour, aren't they? Yeah, they're brown. Perhaps I'm thinking of an Anglican clergyman. Did I tell you I went to the barbers and they

put like a white thing around my neck to catch the... and I thought, yeah, this could have been me. My calling. Frank's interactions with booker shop assistants, this is from Tom, brought to mind a recent incident I also had with a charity shop worker. I was returning a pair of trousers that I'd taken home to try on and as is sometimes normal, they asked the reason for the return. So far so normal. However, what was slightly less good was the way this was phrased.

I'm the first to admit that I've put on a little weight recently. Not totally self-conscious about this, but I wasn't quite expecting the assistant to turn around and ask, and you're turning them because you're too fat for them. No. Oh, what? Post-redacted Tom. Gosh.

Oh. And they call that charity. Oh my God. I didn't know you could return plants. To the charity. I don't think that's the headline of this story, Frank. I don't... Wow. And you were turning them because you're too fat for them?

You're too greedy to be charitable, are you? Too fat for a dead man's trousers. A novel by Beryl Venner. A dead man's trousers. It's almost always a dead man's trousers. Oh, really? In a charity shop. Oh, do you know, I'd never thought of that, Frank. A dead man's trousers! It's almost always a dead man's trousers. Really? In a charity shop. Oh, do you know, I'd never thought of that, Frank.

Oh, yeah. Oh, that's put me off a bit. It's a great thing, by the way, you should buy your clothes from charity shops. Yeah, and you should give the dead's clothes away. I can't. To charity. I can't do it unless people pass away before they become very thin. Yeah. I need a very large... I need a rugby player to be assassinated.

Yeah, what you need is an Oxfam shop in Twickenham. I would just hang around. Yeah, that's a great idea. Or America. When you're in America, go to a charity shop. A thrift store. Yeah, where, you know, people are a bit... Oh, what about bears? They might have a charity shop. The thrift store? Yeah, where you know people are a bit... Oh what about bears? They might have a charity shop. The sort of place where a DJ talks about a floor fill that is on about one of the people who are in there. An hombre grande!

It's the Frank Skinner podcast. A new winter change is blowing. It's the Frank Skinner podcast. A new winter change is blowing. It's the Frank Skinner podcast. I'm not totally sure how it's going. Thanks for listening to the podcast. Make sure to like and follow so you never miss an episode. And if you want to get in touch, you can email the podcast via frankofftheradio at avalonuk.com.