The Frank Skinner Show - Crufts

Episode Date: March 16, 2026

Frank and Emily are joined by Milo Edwards! It's been Poppy's Birthday so Frank has been celebrating and even wrote her a card! Staying on the dog theme, Emily has been to Crufts and had a stressful time with a security guard. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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We'd love to talk. Business. It's Frank Off the Radio. It's the Frankskinner podcast, don't you know? I. You. I can't do it. It's no good.

I was going to depend Tara, but I'm not male enough. Talk it to me. I'm sorry. That's horrible. This is Frank Offer Radio. I'm joined by Emily Dean and Milo Edwards. Follow the podcast on X and Instagram. You can email the podcast via Frank Off the Radio.

Avalonuk.com. My voice slightly broke then. I think I've returned into puberty. You're going through your Allad era. Okay. Going back the other way. And WhatsApp. I'm just trying to press one

that doesn't have a long-lingering oral sex feature. What do you have to say? Oh, 745. 7.4. Oh, what in the glee is that? Lovely. I love the piano. Very Disney that.

So glee. That was Matt Driver. Minnie's brother Yeah Might be able to work for you Frank No I like them gloss Oh You don't have a driver

He did have a driver once Well I didn't really have a drive I just did so much TV ITV said you might still have one full time Okay Well you could have It might bring your insurance down Yeah

It probably would do He was the one I was Oh god should I tell this Different times I was seeing five different women at one point. Oh, God, that's absolutely disgusting. And I said to him, I'm going to make the name up.

I said, I'm seeing Stephanie tomorrow and I. He said, oh, I only know the postcode. It was like, yeah, in a way. Different times, but now I'm as loyal as an old sheep. You're like an old slipper. I'm not sure I like that analogy. He's a married man. What were these women doing with him?

He waited for the right one and he found her. I never took to sleep. Did you know? I was watching an AI thing and this bloke had got... What AI thing? It was a programme about AI. Oh, okay.

Who's that very nice red-haired? Clifford? Scientist. Henry VIII? Woman. When I said scientists, so you both thought they were men.

Excuse me, it's Hannah Frye. Anna Frye. So Hannah Frye was talking... She interviewed this guy who's got an AI, a girlfriend. And it's quite good because she said,

isn't it a bit worrying? that, you know, that you, she just, she's, she said, I'm going to use the word. She's quite subservient. Everything she does, seems to be to suit you and does what you want to do, when you want to do. And, you know, it's all about your happiness. And he said, well, what's wrong with that? And I kind of liked it because I thought he was going to do some, you know, well, I wouldn't go so far. But he's going to know, what's wrong with that if it makes me happy?

Can I live? Yeah, exactly. And I, and she said, but. that's kind of what everyone wants, isn't it? And I thought, well, if that's true, I miss the target by a fucking long way. I couldn't have been further from what he had built on his AI. Anyway. Frank, I need to discuss something with you.

I need to discuss something with you both, if you don't mind. I went to Birmingham last weekend. Oh, right. I went to Crofts. Ah. It was my first crafts. Have you ever been, Frank? I've never been to Crofts.

I've been to Birmingham. Okay. I'm aware of that. I'm aware of that. I think it was genuinely one of the greatest experiences of my life. Really? Yeah. Firstly, love the journey to Birmingham.

Very quick, isn't it? It's lovely. And the people were so friendly to me. When I used to drive to West Bromwich, Albion, every other week, it was exactly the right length of journey. for me to listen to an entire big Finnish Doctor Who audio drama. That's a bit depressing. It's perfect.

They were charming. I have to say watching Crofts on the telly this year, I found a bit stressful. Did you why? Because Poppy, was Poppy, did she react to Crofts? No, I think she doesn't care anymore. Look at these show-offs. Yeah, exactly. But I think of Crofts as very much as the Claire Baldwin gig.

And they had Claudia Winkleman on this week. And it was like they got an extra. Yeah. It was like an extra. They were like stepping on each other's toes, getting in each other's way. I thought, oh dear. With that fringe, she looks a bit like they made a dog human. It is kind of a...

I thought what they're bound to do is get a dog with hair like that as a joke. Yeah. Are you thinking what? They should keep it clean and... I just, I felt a terrible rage-filled rivalry. between the two of them. I might have imagined the whole thing. But I really thought, this is so stressful.

This is like, you know, Trotsky and Lenin. Oh, man, I thought someone is just going to pick up one of those heavy chain dog leads that use on the Mastiff. I think you'll find they're called a choke. Yeah, well, they're going to tote the shit out of each other. Yeah. I feel like they're not normally in the same enclosure, building and wincom.

No. They're not in the same competition. Well, there was, I noticed, and I did stick my head in, to the bitch obedience championships. I thought it was only fair, given that it was international women's day. We don't want your sort of. Can they still use the B word?

It did. It was there. It said bitcherbidians champions champions. I got reprimanded on Gabby Logan's radio show for saying bitch, even though I was quoting like an American person who's in. Oh, no, but you can in the context of the dog world. So because they are technical, So I can say that I've got a bitch at home.

Yes. As long as you're referring to your talk. And what about my other 99 problems? I don't recommend it. No. But I can't say that's okay. Absolutely. I think we all ask okay.

Do you reckon Jay Z ever had his parcel shelf? You can absolutely say. What I read? The price of my car insurance. It's terrible. I got to have a black box. This is not Milo's best. I quite like it,

come on, you've got to give it to the guy. The only bit of Jay-Z I can do is the cheer. That's very good. I always think that Jay-Z only went with Beyonce in the first place so they could get engaged and he could say to people, this is my fiancé Beyonce. That's the kind of thing.

You've got to chase the joke in life. Not everyone's like you. No, they aren't. I think that is a case of if, If you were Jay-Z. Yes. But unfortunately... If I was Jay-Z, I'd be Jay-Z, let's face it.

Yeah, absolutely. You would. Jay Cloth, I'd call myself. That's the Birmingham equivalent. I said, I'll only marry if you'll change your name to Dettle. Oh, dear. So, Crafts, Frank. Yes.

I arrive in Birmingham. I had a slightly awkward altercation with a security guard. And I arrived. Okay. a few stages. Was he like at one of them fucking jobsworths? First security guard, charming. He even overlooked the fact that I said,

I'm so thrilled to be here at Crusts. He said it's Crofts. I said, I'm excited. It was so embarrassing. I was embarrassed. But he was charming. The other one, not so charming. There were four security guards,

and there was one bloke with them. You know you've identified that man who always hangs out with the bus driver at the front, A sort of self-appointed friend who derived status from the relation. This was the equivalent of the security guard world. He wasn't a security guard. He didn't have a uniform on.

He was a friend. Okay. But it was him who decided to bar me entry. He said to me, well, you need, I said, hello, I'm here to pick up my passes. I said it like that. I'm here to pick up my passes from the Royal Kennel Club. He said, well, you can't pick up passes without passes.

and then he blew vapes smoke on me. I didn't like that. Sorry. Still coughing. A power move. I did that in his face. Okay. And he scooted away.

Yeah. I said, well, I need to, I can't get in. Obviously, there's a, I can see them there. I can see the people I need to see it. I just need to get in and pick up the bottle. No, I'm sorry, those are the rules. I don't care who you are. I don't care for your Claire Baldwin.

You cannot come in here without a pass. I bet you Claire Baldwin would have just strolled straight and he'd be tick right into 100%. And quite right. And quite right. You don't mess with balding. Well, you say that. At Winkelman's arrived looking like some sort of ninja assassin.

Anyway. So anyway, I got a bit grand. It was a bit embarrassing. I did say, I'm a guest of the Royal Kennel Club. Oh, how embarrassing, Frank? But I just felt embarrassed in front of my friend. I'd said, you know, mine host, you can come with me. And then I'm being turned away like this.

That is always awful. It was really embarrassing. But fortunately, I called the Royal Kennel Club on the phone. And I did it very performatively. I said, hello, is that the Royal Kennel Club? It was just a woman. You know the wankiest thing I ever did in my life? Go on.

I went to a hospitality area at a football match. The bloke said, have you got your pass? And I just pointed up my face. And he fucking let me in. Oh, yeah, that's good. But do you know what? When she finally arrived and ushered us through, I was looking forward to my moment of vindication.

You know when you think, see, I am who I said I am, I didn't get it. Because he wasn't, he didn't have that moment of humility, the friend. And he wasn't even a security god. He was the friend of the security god. I don't understand why he was telling you. No, do I? But he just sort of, they were almost like respected him or didn't want to.

So then when we went through, he said, instead of saying, I'm so sorry, you know. He said, well done girls, best of luck with it all. with what all? Scamming my way around crafts when I've been invited. Well done. Well done for getting in

when you shouldn't really. So anyway, we got in, I was relieved to go and went straight to bitch obedience championships as I said. Explicit image won that, I think. She, there was dark little treasure. Is there a bitchipedian's Wikipedia?

Yeah. Then I had to race straight to the main arena. Do you know why, Frank? Do you know what was on and I wasn't going to miss? Sure. The West Midlands Police Dog Display Team. Oh, great.

I knew, I thought of you. Can I ask you a question before? Has anyone in the audience got any drugs on them? We need a volunteer. Not in Birmingham. Certainly not at Crofts. What were you going to ask me, Frank? What is a male dog called?

If a female dog's called a bitch, what's a male dog? I only know about bitches. Oh. So the male dog doesn't have a... I don't think he does. Maybe any dog lovers. could let us know. Well, you are a dog,

well, that's true, but I don't know about the men, I only know about bitches. So is there a male dog obedient equivalent? Is he a sire? Is it a sire? I don't know. You should call a male dog sir, really. My dog does that.

Dog sire. I'm all right. Doing me best. Like you've got a mortgage to pay. Yeah? We've got to fucking entertain them. She's pitying those obedient bitches on crafts. Yeah, exactly.

She's like, liberate yourselves. ladies, you know, come on. Frank, may I tell you about the West Midlands police dog display to? Please do. I love a police dog display. I know you do too. I used to like the police display without the dogs when you get like 18 blokes on a motorbike forming a human pyramid.

Yeah, there's fire usually. And you get the bloke, remember the bloat with a fat sleeve. Do they have a fat sleeve guy? I'll tell you what there was. Firstly, it was an absolute Alsatian fest. We know that's going to happen. It would be, I suppose. Hitler's dog is big in the police.

It's not the police. Blondie. Yeah, blondeie. Interesting view that gives you on the police, isn't it? It's not to do with the police. It's just that I do associate, unfortunately, the Alsatian with those two bodies, as it were, with Hitler and the police. Wouldn't you say? Think of an Alsatian.

What do you think of, what do you think of? Yes, but I think of them more probably with the police than the... I don't really think of the Nazis with dogs. Do you know what I mean? Okay. Feels a bit old-fashioned. Well, I am old lady. It's an unhelpful stereotype of bands and Nazis.

We did not all have dogs. You know, when you read something about World War I and they're on horses with swords, you think, what the fuck you do? You take a wrong turn in, mate. It's not jousted. It's a World War. You've come on a horse with the sword.

Well, they didn't know it was World War I. Well, just like the animal... But they knew that the gun had been invented, Well, that's true. Yeah. It's like people trying to get on telly now, but they don't realize it's not 1998, you know. They're on a horseback with a sword.

Yeah. Can I tell you about the police dogs? I'm just working through that analogy. Well, while you do that, can I tell you about the police dogs, please? Okay. The man running the show, he's some, I can see Frank's, like, the call for the... Was it easier to get on telly in 1998? I don't know about that.

I just mean it actually meant something to be on TV. Oh, I see. No, it doesn't anymore. because of social media. Just as well, really. Yeah? Yeah. Do you want to know about the West Midlands Police Stop Displaying?

For all I know, you might have your own TV show on Comedy Network. Comedy Network. That exists, doesn't it? Does it? Comedy Central, are you thinking? Oh, I don't know. Do you want to know about the West Midlands Police Dog Display Team? Yeah, yeah.

Oh, great. So the policeman running the whole show, he was sort of peak policeman. He was everything I hope for and more. What he had a cap on? Oh, yeah. Yes. He did, Frank? What's all this then? And he also said, he got very serious with us, which I loved. He said, look, my dogs are out there 24-7 keeping the streets safe.

They can't be out there 24-7, R-SPC. I should be told about this, man. He said... They're on amphetamine like the Nazis. They're all lymphetamines as well. Oh, yeah, they're all on amphetamines, right? I'm seeing a whole... They were all on amphetamines.

We had ADHD. It was a neurodosephetamins. virgin try. I've never heard so much negative stuff about the Nazis. He then said, he said my dogs are out there 24-7 keeping the streets safe. It's not easy out there.

I can tell you that. Can I please get a big round of applause for my police dogs? So we're going to, what's the point? What's the point? They don't know what that is. And then you, all these Alsatians,

I'm not going to like, they looked a bit bemused, you're right. They're like, why is what's going on here? Then we had the crime set up with the dog. They had a man running out with a prop knife and the policeman said, there's a dangerous suspect on the wrong.

The dog will now receive the attack command. The dog runs at the man. He's got, what is it? Like a padded sleeve or something? It's the fat sleeve, yeah. So they have to bite that. Otherwise, obviously, they're flesh. Why would a man be running with a knife?

I don't know. It was like a big plastic knife. And then the dog's hurling himself for the man. He was trying to mud paula Radcliffe. Well, he really went for it, these dogs. He dragged him along. He dragged him along the floor. He said we call that tag and drag. Right.

And then he didn't feel... That was the last theme party I went to. Were you tag or drag? I was full as well. I can't carry off the drag. That's the name of one of the police dogs. Yeah. Full asbo.

He felt we weren't giving enough as an audience. Oh. He kept saying, look, my boys are really putting the world in that. Oh, they're all boys. Well, well, you're right. He calls them my boys the dogs. Oh, okay. Well, could the others are in the bitch of beating.

That's right, yeah. But he was getting a bit funny with us because he was sort of saying, come on, you've got to give my boys a bit more. I'm going to need some noise when I get a bite. This is like improv. So I went, woo! It was far.

It was, he was very happy with this in the end. And we all obediently clapped the man getting... Well, you are obedient. I think I'd prove that. But you know, it was my first live police dog display. It was a thing of joy. They are brilliant. And, well, the entire day was fantastic.

Dogs doing anything. We had a, it was my dog's birthday last Saturday. Oh, how old? Five. Lovely. Yes, I bought her a card. I know. Did you?

I know. You should let her choose your next car. Yeah. What did you say? Did you write in the card, Frank? Oh, yeah. Oh, that's adorable. We all wrote, I mean, I know.

I went very root one as well, Snoopy. Oh, I love that, though. Oh, she'll love that. I like a bit of Snoopy. I do. I mean, what a... Did she get... What a merch magnet.

Snoopy is, I mean, fucking out. It's more merch than the thing itself. It's got more... I can't think of anyone else. I mean, Harry Potter probably hasn't got as much merch as Snoopy. Going a long time. Hello Kitty, maybe. No, surely Snoopy's got to be bigger.

Been going longer. What do you call it? Hi, Kitty. Hello Kitty, he said. I heard an interview with a woman who worked for the Hello Kitty Organiser. One of these I was on tour and we had Radio 4 on at like midnight. Kitty's a little girl. She's not a cat.

Well, that was what happened. Because they said, you know, people obviously love cats in Japan. She says, oh, she's not. No, she's a girl. She's not a cat. Yeah, she's a girl. Well, he just looks like a cat. He looks like a cat and called Kitty.

A horrifically disfigured little girl. Bojack horse. Yeah. Oh, no, don't worry. She's not a cat. She's just a freak. It's a disgusting freak. She's got paws.

Maybe he paws. That bloke cat man who had Tompston whiskers fitted and stuff. I went in the Hello Kitty shop when I was in Japan with my girlfriend. We went in and then we were just sort of wandering around and it was mostly empty and we were just sort of musing on like, who buys this stuff? Like it's mad, isn't it? I imagine like this being a thing. And then some woman who was from New Zealand just wanders over and goes, well, if you'd actually like it, you don't have to come in the store.

And I was like, wow, sort of Hello Kitty Defender. Yeah. I'm like, well, this is, you feel very passionate. I'm with her, though. It meant a great deal to me as a child. Did it? No, but children, it's not really. I had all the merch. I had the pencil case, Little Twin Stars as well. I had the Roy Rogers Pencil case.

I was, this is 1984? Something like that. So anyway, we had this idea. My dog's got two sisters. Okay. And coincidentally, they have the They all have the same birthday. Oh, okay. It's all gone a bit of Chekhov.

They're triplets. Are they similar temperament, would you say? No. They're three of the most. We always have this theory that they sent us these videos before the poppies could be allowed to be released because they're owned by two of our friends. Yeah.

So we all got these dogs together. And one of the poppies had got like a white tail and the woman used to say, this is your one and it would be there. But I wasn't on screen for these Zooms. It was just Kath and Boss. And then when I went on screen, she went, oh, oh, no. I didn't know. It's blah, blah, blah.

And suddenly, I think we got a different dog. I think we thought we'd better give him the best one. Oh, yeah. But did you get a different price, Frank as well? No, no. The price was through. It was a lockdown dog. That was a bad.

It was a seller's market. It was a seller's market. Sellers market. Yeah. So anyway, we decided to get the three sisters, well, my wife decided. It'd be a good thing to do one of those crofts. You know, those things when they, what do they call it when you go on a course? Puppy training classes.

No, what is it? A obedience training. A obedience course. A thingy course with obstacle. Obstacle. Obstacle course. Thanks for your help. Anyway

I don't know I can be anything Of course So we built an obstacle course For the dogs For the three sisters And And it was fantastic

We had like There was limbo They had to go in and out of cones Okay There was Tonnell They had to go through It was really

Quite exciting Yeah Yeah I was pleased They wouldn't Nobody would do The Cecil They should let you do that with the local police, I think, build them a little obstacle.

On West Midland, I can put you in touch with West Midlands Police Dog Display Team. We did the egg box treat, you put a treat in an egg box and see you can tear it apart the fastest. Oh, okay. That's really exciting. Then we went to the post-nuclear Starbucks at the bottom of my road. Oh, do you know about this? Can you just tell Milo what that is briefly, Frank? Because he doesn't know about a dirty Starbucks in London.

It's like a shanty. One day, someone from the organisation were walking there and. say, what the fuck has happened at this place? It is really weird. Everyone will be fired. He's not exaggerating. I've been in there and I was shocked.

It's all right. All it needs is a bit of disinfectant. It's just like a dystopian. It's like 28 days later Starbucks. It's like a forgotten bit of the empire. It really is. It's like it's the Tristan de Kunae of Starbucks. Well, I took a balcony once.

I saw him the other night and he said, you're still going in the wild west. Starbucks at the road. Anyway, We had room for the both of us in here. You get your latte and get out. So we had the dogs doing this assault course, obstacle course. So they were all pretty tired out.

We'd forgot to bring water. So we took them to Starbucks and got a, you know that well-known thirst quench a whipped cream. So we got them a papachino each to celebrate their birthday. Can I ask you a question? I will. Did you pay for the papachino? Free. Complementary?

It's always free in there. As long as you're buying something for you. Oh, did you buy something for you then? Oh, God. Marvel Television's Wonder Man. An eight-episode series. Now streaming on Disney Plus. A superhero remake.

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Marvel Television's Wonder Man All eight episodes now streaming, only on Disney Plus. The next stage of the birthday is that we went to a place called Pets at Home. A place called. One of my favorite shops in the entire world. I spend every weekend there. I bought a two squeakers, a pig that goes,

I mean a real one. Classic pig, yeah, to be fair. Yeah. But what I bought at, was The Wheel of Treats, which is like an intelligence test for a dog. They have to lift, they have to move these things around to get at the tree. Oh, that's very good for her mental health. Oh, yes, please.

The bitches love that. It's like a Sudoku for a dog. Dog pick a mix, they've got. Dog pick a mix. I feel like dogs don't eat much of a variety of things. I'm not sure what will go into the dog. They'll eat anything. They're not eating the squashy teeth, are they?

No, probably not. They will if you gave it. Oh, yeah. Did you like peckers? at home, Frank. Yeah, I tell you what really upset me is they had like... They had the rabbits in there. They had grasshoppers in like plastic boxes which were for the people's snakes.

And I thought, what a life that is. What being a snake? A plastic box in pets at home for someone to take and feed to a snake. That shouldn't be allowed. It doesn't know any better. No, we think they don't know any better. It's in Pinocchio. I mean, he ran the fucking shirt.

Not for some years, I have to be honest. Jim and he was the brains in the outfit. Yeah. And then he was the karate kid. So it was a proper dog birthday. And my son said, should we just watch like Beethoven or Digby the biggest? I said, no, I'm drawing the line at that.

We'll compromise. So we watched Is It Kay? We're not watching one of these menstrual dogs. No, exactly. Not another menstrual dog film. Does Poppy respond to? Poppy? I've seen Poppy. Poppy responds to dogs on the TV.

She gets quite excited and we'll jump up. Okay. As Ray has absolute contempt for them. Yeah. She's five now. She gets less excited. Okay. Anyway, I would just like to say that's the best time I think I've ever had in Birmingham.

There's one exception, as you know, which is when you got a star on the Birmingham Walk of Fame. That was good. That would be in my top three. That's maybe my second best time in Birmingham was going to Kraft. Okay. I'll settle for that. Yeah. Don't ask me to work out my best time in Birmingham.

I don't want to name names. But your drivers do know the answers. Well, they know the postcoes. No, he only knows the postcoes. What about Milo Ed, Edwards? We've heard nothing of your life. Yeah, we haven't. I was at a gig on Friday in Hanwell in West London.

Comedy gig. A comedy gig. Yeah, I was headlining. And then someone came up to me after the show and said, I've been loving you on the Frank Skinner podcast. Oh. Oh, that's lovely. That was very nice.

Who is that? Pia Novelli. The comedian said that to me. And you know, comedians have not. They don't give compliment. They said, I've been loving you on the Frank Skinner podcast. Yeah, they do. They don't normally praise other comics.

I won't lie. It's really improved. Whoever that was, I like them for being nice. I think people are a bit more supportive now. Are they the younger generation? Your generation were more at each other's throats. There was a period about 15 years ago of sort of hard case comics. Who was the...

Terrorised dressing rooms. But I think they've all gone. Die. There'll be some. Is any comedians, no, they'll be thinking, oh, yeah, they're still fucking and then, you know, Fittling her, you know. Milo could probably name a couple. I always thought, you know, as comedians, we don't need that shit.

We're, you know, we're so confident. But there was always, always some. You see, comedians do say you can't really, Dom Jolly was saying, I don't, not that he's a stand-up, but he was just talking about, he said, I don't think you can really be friends with someone else, and other comedians can really be friends with each other. Well, Lee Mack said to me,

he'd have comedians at his birthday party, but not at his funeral. Oh. I don't know quite what he meant by that. I'd have thought there'd be loads. They've fallen out with him by then. There'd be loads at his funeral, hoping they might get in with the producer of would I lie to you?

The 1% Club. Can I get a type 5 at this funeral? I reckon there's good old. I've never seen the 1% Club. I love it. Is it a game show? Yeah. Oh.

It's immensely popular. I'm sold around the world. Wow. Yeah. Does your sister like it? Yeah, yeah. That's a strange fact about her that you know. Like that?

Dixon? No, the other one. Frank, so what he's... This is an Eleanor fan. Can I say something? For a celebrity, he's got wonderful retention. Because often they don't remember facts. Especially water.

She's in my ankles. Often, and this is quite a good taste of... They're like two laughing Buddhas. Frank, I'm saying something nice about you. Sorry. Often the celebrities, you'll tell them everything about your life. They remember nothing. You'll meet them again.

You've got a sister, have you? They know nothing. He has a sister? good retention. Yeah, that's impressive. Yeah, but it's potential. I'm always looking for potential. Stitchbacks, you know.

Yeah. But anyway, that wasn't my main story. Go on. This was actually last week, but I was, I was outside a show that I was doing with another couple of comedians. We were about to go and start, we're having a cigarette.

And a man, a man comes up to us and he's like, can I show you a magic trick? And we're like, yeah, go on. And then he genuinely showed us back to back several very impressive card tricks. I would say I'm not easily impressed, but I was like, to be fair, very good. You know, cards were appearing like up our sleeves and all sorts.

I was like, this is good. I love all that. Good bit of magic, yeah, right. And then he goes, anyway, can you, do you mind giving me some money? Because I'm actually homeless. I'm trying to find somewhere to stay tonight. Oh, it's a show. And I'm, well, yeah, and I'm immediately a bit like, oh, I don't like that.

I don't like that guy that's good at magic is homeless. This feels like, I mean, not that anyone should be homeless, but I feel as though it's sort of like, because then he goes, what are you guys doing? And we're like, we're comedians. And then it just suddenly felt this very awkward situation where we sort of thought, what's really the dividing line between us and him here? Yeah, what you should have done in there?

Told him a two or three killer jokes and then said, actually we're homeless. And then the end of this anecdote could have been you saying to me and Emily, fucking starmer's Britain. That would have been great. Hard-hitting political stuff. We never have any of that on this show.

We don't really do politics. Yeah, I feel like as a comedian, and you're in the sort of relegation zone of having a house, you know, where you're sort of like, well, I do, but I don't feel like, I really feel like, yeah, we're sort of, we're crossing a like, you know, you're a really talented homeless guy. You could be in the promotion spots.

He won't be able to be long, though, will he by the sounds of it? Well, I hope not. He's great, imagine. He might not have been homeless. All power to. Also, he accepted bank transfer. Well, they do now. That's an entrepreneurial guy.

Well, even, even, Even the drug dealers do I believe, don't it? Do they really? Truly the world is leaving me behind. I mean, I should say I don't take drugs because I'm old, but I know young people that do. And the drug dealers have a whole set up now, Frank, contactless, the drug dealer. They always were fairly contactless.

I speak on behalf of the police. Let's give it up for the police. I find it utterly amazing. that people have people that they go to to get drugs on a regular basis. I don't know. It just feels really it illegal. Isn't it illegal? Well a lot of these drugs aren't now. Oh, okay. If you're on

space. No one does spice anymore. It's not space. It's not, I don't can you tell us about drugs, Milo? I've been profiled. No, do young people because I'm interested, Frank, I don't understand what's legal and what's not. I smell these people Officer.

I don't know what's legal. I smell these people with what my old head mistress used to call cannabis cigarettes. Walking down the street. Like it's normal. That is allowed, is it? Cannabis cigarettes? No.

I don't think it's allowed. I thought it was legal now. You can't smell it through CCTV. It's the point of it. No one can hear you scream in space. In this country, it's all illegal but just no one cares. Oh, I see.

There's three policemen left. Two of them are at Crofts and the other one is, you know, desperately trying to do everything. everything else. I thought a policeman on a bike the other night. Oh, did it? Was he part of the display team?

No. He's keeping the street safe. Just going down a road. I said, I actually said to him, whoa, I've never seen a copper on a bike for years. Is that like a dick to him? He said, yeah, there's like, you know, three of us. Covering Greater London. Just in close there's some kind of bicyclical crime.

And then I was worried that, you know, what, PCRS? He died in 1950. was going to be one of those jobs. Did he have one of the tall helmets? Oh, no. Then he just cycle right straight through a wall. Inspector Gull. Yeah.

He's on the tail of your parcel shelf. Yeah, honestly. It's PC gone mad. There we go. Oh, that's very fun. I do like that, actually. I like her. So you can't really fill us in on the drug front, it seems.

I'm not asking you for any personal anecdotes. What do you want to know? I'm just searching, as Frank said, I thought it was all illegal, It seems very relaxed. No, I think I had a blind diet. The police think if they're doing anything about it, it'll be like Mexico City and we all get killed. So best leave them to their own devices.

It'll be like Mexico City. Amazing food. Yeah. Really great. I love where I went to Mexico City. It's one of the best holidays I've ever had. Really? And before I went.

Pure cocaine will do that. No, but people were saying to me, you know, we might never see you again and all that stuff. They were really, gave it bad PR. Well, when I didn't have a great thing. great time in Mexico. I won't lie. And when I went on that trip, I told you, Frank. That's when the woman said to the tour guide, excuse me, we have an Armbre Grande with us because her husband was quite large.

Armée Grande? That sounds like something you're doing the hairdressers. It was her way of just explaining that he was obese. Yeah. So, excuse me, we have an umbrella grande. I love that. I love that. It was a lovely euphemistic way of saying it was morbidly obese. Oh, man.

How are you. say Hombre Grande. See, I'd love to... I can't use it, obviously, but it's... Why? Well, because you can't refer to Hombre Grandes anymore. You have to pretend everything's all right.

Hombay grande, yeah. Ombre the Giant. Yeah, exactly. Peter Ombre. Turn a blind eye. Can't say anything anymore. No, you've got to fucking say anything. They've ruined Mexico now.

Yeah, they have. You can't even say a geese is big I'll tell you someone about Mexico. I loved Mexico. Mexico City was fantastic. The food all over shit. What? Oh, I think it's quite racist actually.

No, it's all right to say that. Is it? Okay. Because I love... Couldn't get a fry up. I thought I loved Mexican food, but what I actually love was Tex-Mex and what they sell here. You don't get really authentic Mexican food here.

Mexican food is hard to get. Very dry. Oh, God. Very dry. You've got to put the salsa on it. No, I did all that. I did all that. But it was worth it.

You sound such a season traveller. No, I did all that. It's worth it. I'm no amateur. But I realised that I haven't been eating Mexican food in England. That's not really. No. No. It's a sort of what Americans think it should be.

Yeah. I loved the food in Mexico. Yeah, well, you tell you what he is. He's an hombre blonde. You're an eternal student. You have to fucking like the food. Everywhere. The Eternal student does sound like a...

Except England, obviously. You know what? I do defend English food. Do you? If it's done well. Why? It's terrible. No, I think... No, modern British cuisine is wonderful now, Frank.

Oh, all right. I think a roast in the hands of a good chef can be truly great. Is it a two in a bush? Yeah. That's what I've heard. I don't really want it. He can't be saying two in a bush around Frank. You'll set him off.

Oh, God. You can talk. Do you know what? He's right. Yeah, I think you've brought out the worst in me. I do think you have. I've put you in bitch disobedience. It makes a change from me being in there.

I honestly thought you couldn't even say bitch about a female dog. No, you can. Bitch disobedient. Well, it was all over crafts, and it was mentioned, and Claire Balding. I can imagine what's all over Crofts. Claire Balding was interviewing someone. Claire Balding and said, and that's a wonderful bitch. And she was constantly using the word bitch, Claire Balding.

Yeah, maybe ladies can say. About who, Frank? We don't know, but she was using the word bitch a lot. You know. I suppose it's like the countryside alliance. They're very no-nonsense. The dog world, I'd imagine. Yeah.

Whereas, you know, I've got a career to think about it. I'm going to stick with female dog. Countryside alliance sound like an insurgent group. They are, aren't they? They are a little bit. Oh, are they? Do you remember they used to be on big protests? Yeah, they did.

They did. Don't you remember them? Guerrilla warfare in Buckinghamshire. Let's not get back to the guerrilla. We don't want him again with the purple wheat. It was like stop being insensitive about our blood sports heritage. Clarkson and his tractor. Anyway, it's all gone a bit too political this now.

I'm going to end with this. On Wednesday, there will be a new episode of Frank Skinner's Radio Days. We're at the end of 2012. And this time, I've had an awkward moment. with and then it says in brackets music star. Who's that? Oh, I see. I thought that you were asking me

if I could then give an example of a music star, but it actually says with music star example. Yes, that was when we went to Wimbledon. Was it? Yeah, so I had an awkward moment with example, open brackets music. People would have known that, wouldn't they? Well, let's hope so.

It's one of the most confusing things you've ever done, but it's fine. Oh, no, I feel... You're stuck to that auto-key. You know where you feel when you haven't properly wiped? I feel like that. Is that what you said to example? I didn't want to set a bad... I don't even bother with that.

It's a Frank Skinner podcast. A new winner. changes blowing. It's the Frank Skinner podcast. I'm not totally sure how it's going. Thanks for listening to the podcast. Make sure to like and follow so you never miss an episode. And if you want to get in touch, you can email the podcast via Frank Off the Radio at Avalonuk.com. Getting ready for a game means being ready for anything. Like packing a spare stick. I like to be prepared. That's why I remember 988, Canada's suicide crisis hubline. It's good to know, just in case.

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