The Frank Skinner Show - Devastating News For Frank

Episode Date: May 11, 2026

Frank and Emily are joined by Rob Auton! Frank makes a pyjama revelation and had a cathartic conversation at a party. There's also an Elvis story and news update from the Outside World. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

It's Frank off the radio. It's the Frank Skinner podcast, don't you know? I wake up in the morning. I can't do it without doing the accent. Oh my God. This is Frank Skinner. I thought I could. I couldn't.

This is Frank off the radio. I'm joined by Emily Dean and Robble, and that's the one. The Thingy Avenue. What's that one called? Electric Avenue. That's impossible to do. Don't you go near Electric Avenue? I've given that up.

for life. This is Frank Off the Radio. I'm joined by Emily Dean and Rob Orton. I've gone gas. And I don't want any wake up in the morning. No, none of that. Follow the podcast on X and Instagram. We're going to get through this. You can email the podcast via Frank Offder Radio Avalonuk.com.

Also. Oh, 7, 45, 7. 4, 7, 7, 7, 6. 6.0. That was actually lovely, Frank. That was me doing that bit. That was really good pitch you heard. You know, so elongated it, so people knew it was me.

That's why I'm like that. You showed off a bit. But you know what? That was the lovely pitch you had. Thanks. I was saying exactly the same thing to the groundsman at Lord's this morning. So that was Nicholas Hemingway, who's the pencil guy, do you remember? Yes.

I presume it's the same Nicholas Hemingway. He's been kindly. to us. We've always relied on the kindness of strangers. Yeah. And he's been one of those strangers. Yeah, he's... Who's the pencil guy? He makes like these beautiful, like, stainless steel propelling pencils.

Right. He may make other things, but he sent me one of those. I still use it to this day, which I can't say about everything. You still use diaries from 2007 as notebooks. Yeah, but not as diaries. Yeah. I always think, sometimes if I found it

old Picasso diary the other day. Did you? And I had a look and I thought, What did he have to say for himself? I thought, shit. If I'd found, I could use this in 2027. You know, they come around again if you wait long enough. That's true.

But not this year. I don't want to keep putting an arrow to the next day. So this is where it actually happened. Do you know, I love it on that, you know, on the calendar app. If you press back enough on your phone, you can get a, so all the dates are on one screen. And you can scroll quite quickly into the future

and see where the days are going to land, right? I was looking at the year 2136. I was looking at the year 2136. And I saw my that my birthday's going to be on on Monday. I thought, oh, probably I have to do something on the Saturday. I'm so glad you did that. Because now you know that, it's helpful for you. In 10 years, you'll know.

It's also an helpful insight to the list to see how much spare time poets have on their hands. That 2036? There's no point else looking, Frank. Let's be honest. No, it's 2136. Oh, Frank, we're not going to be around. We won't be around 2036. You won't be around in 21, 30s.

That was, it was meant to be. I missed that. Oh, we didn't understand. We're old. We're not going to be here in 2036. You are. All right. 10 years. I think people aren't going to get letters from the royalty anymore when they're each 100, are they?

Well, David Ackerman's turned 100. Excuse me, David Ackmur just turned 100. Can you believe it? Yeah, he looks 100. Oh, Frank, don't put him down. I'm not putting him down. That's just life. I think he looks great.

But apparently, I bet he'll get up, would you? Oh, yeah. I'm sorry, I know it's a bit niche. No, no, it's all right. I know it's quite niche. But I find him very attractive. I know he's 100, but I find him attracting. You don't want to be walking across the room in a baby doll nighty and here.

So here she comes. I presume you're a baby doll nighty. Well, I would have to if I was with David, because he's got old traditional views on these things. I'd hear something that happened to me this morning. I was sitting outside here having a cup of tea in the foyer, not outside, outside. Don't say David walked past. Now, I was watching those two podcast stories.

studios, emptying. And I remember thinking, fuck, you know. I can't believe there's people this old doing podcasts. And then I suddenly thought they were probably younger than me. Oh my God, that's so depressing, isn't it? It made me feel, yeah, why am I? People must think, what he's doing podcasts. Does you know what they are?

Yeah, I know what you mean. I feel that when I see people of my age doing them. Yeah, well, you're a lot younger than me. I've got a little bit on you, but still, Frank. But, you know, I mean, at my age, I should be. doing embroidery, not podcasts. David's still... I'm frightened to get that close to a needle.

Do you think it'll change to email or people will get an email when the Rich Honduras? Well, I'll tell you what it has changed to is when you get the card now, it's a printed autograph. Is it not signed? It's not signed anymore. Charles doesn't sign it, but then did the Queen sign it?

The Queen for a long time, but in her later years, that's when they switched to... You know, when you used to get... I remember writing to Dennis Law asking for his autograph. Adorable. And he sent me back

a printed autograph which was part of an advert for fucking shredded wheat. It was like a flyer for... If you can imagine... If you can imagine, they had flyers for shredded wheat. People handed them out the stream. You tried to shred wheat, mate. Well, you must have been so disappointed.

There must have been a load. the flyers left and Danny said, I love them. I saved me a bit of time. Well, Frank, I told you when Frank Bruno gave me an autograph, a friend of ours, an actor friend was working with him, he said, I'll get you his autograph, handed it over, printed photo

to Emma, Love F Bruno. Emma, F. Bruno, F dot Bruno, what are you a butcher's? F dot Bruno. And sons? Jude. A, Samuel.

What are you, a retailer? Just right. How much energy? You're called Frank. Exactly the same name, exactly the same number of letters. Have you ever signed an autograph, F.Skinner? Many, many times. When you're doing a book signing, not when the people are queuing up,

but when you've gone, when they've all gone, or say all, both of them, then they'll say, and we've got a thousand books for you to sign, so you can be on the shelf where it says, signed by the author, which always puts me off a book. Does it? Yeah, because it won't be in pencil.

You stop with it. Well, sometimes it's a nice thing. Anyway, and then you have to sign a thousand, and then I go to F Skinner. When I signed the last batch... Skinner, you've done it. When I went to the last batch of signing the three lions singles, when we bought out a Christmas, three lions, I was signing F Skinner, F Skinner, F Skinner, F Skinner.

I mean, there was just thousands of them. And somebody started talking about did you see Strictly at the weekend? Just to take our mind something. I'd sign seven Frank Strictly. Which is actually my S&M name. When I tried to sell these paintings after my shows. All right, Frank, go off.

I know I have to say to people, if you don't want to sign it, if you don't want, I know I have to say to people, if you don't want me to sign it, tell me because I signed one once and this lady went, why did you do that? Oh, you've ruined. Have you got any others that aren't signed? Oh, wow.

And I said, yeah. Would I like your paintings? I'll buy one. Yeah? Well, you show them to me. Absolutely. I think you need, I don't want to do you have any sales. It really helps if you've seen the show. Well, I'm doing it again at Soho. You could come from. I'll come and have a look and then I'll buy a picture. All right, can we sort out our social arrangements off here?

I don't want any pressure, though. What if I don't like the show? It's not fucking front row. Frank, can ask you a question? I will. What's your favourite sign book that you've got? What are you most proud of? I imagine you've got a few. I have got a few.

What's your favourite? Peter Capaldi, the Doctor Who Chronicles? I've got... Must have a footballer. I've got a... Well, I've got... There's a trio. I've got Jet Carowack, William S. Boroughs,

and Alan Ginsberg. I knew you deliver, but that's ridiculous. That is mud. That's a big delivery. Yeah. So those are the big three. Where did you get those from? He's rich.

eBay. He's very rich. They're not as much as you can't. As you think, do you ever watch that, when you watch Antiques Road Show, you get things like a year's of butt, and you think, oh, wow, that's fantastic. And they say you get like 350 pounds, and you think, what? And then it was 18,000. for stupid evenings.

It's got to be a first edition. I've got my parents' out. I've got a few John La Carreys. Oh, I don't care about the first editions. I just want the signature on this. I want the signature. But usually, when you see him in Waterstowns, it's somebody you've never heard of.

Who cares? It is usually. No, it's respect. You win the competition. Naked lunch signed, is it? It's not naked lunch. It's, I'm not going to remember what it is. One of the other ones.

One of the other ones. in the title. Well, I'll tell you, in the meantime, I've got a Spike Milligan. Okay. Personal, it's quite good, isn't it? Yeah, what's that? Yeah, what's that? Brilliant.

I really like Pocoon. I love that. Okay, when I sell my business, I want the best tax and investment advice. I want to help my kids, and I want to give back to the community. Ooh, then it's the vacation of a lifetime. I wonder if my out of office has a forever setting. An IG Private Wealth Advisor creates the clarity you need with plans that harmonise your business, your family and your dreams. Get financial advice that puts you at the centre.

Find your advisor at IDPrivatewealth.com. What do you like to hear from the outside world? Yes. Okay. We've got this. It's like most haunted. Bob from Milford-on-C. Where prey is Milford?

Is it the same as Milford Haven or is that a separate place? Oh, I know, there's a marchioness from there, isn't there? The marchioness of Milford Haven, maybe it is. Is there, I don't know? Yeah, I do know. Devastation. Is there a marchion? That's the male version.

Marquess. So it's not a marchion? That's not a marchion. Don't try to make it sound like aliens. Well, that's a marchioness. You're going a waiter and a waitress? No, it's a Marquess. And a marchioness.

Oh, okay. Markquess I'd have gone for the female. Yeah. No, they've gone marchioness. Devastating news for Frank, says Bob, from Milford-on-Sea. What if it really was, and it's the death of the past? She's just telling me now. As I thought, we've got 27 hits for that Michael McIntyre thing.

Yeah, the midwife is no longer. Yeah, exactly. Oh, don't, Rob. Yeah. I'm afraid, Frank, there's no easy way to say this. Okay. I'm afraid after nearly 30 years, Ars Jeeves is gone. I see it.

Bob wanted you to hear from him. I thought it had already gone, I'd be honest. Apparently it's just you. I mean, look, we understand what's happening. It's just that unfortunately, you know, my best friend, chat GPT, the rise of AI. No more need for it. That's got rid of Ash Jeeves.

It's got rid of As Jeeves. As Jeeves ought to be the name of the head waiter in a pizza parlor, hadn't it? So, yeah, Bob wanted you to know that he wanted you to hear it from him first. It's gone. Yeah, it's gone. What about Yahoo? Yahoo is still going. Is it? Who the fuck says?

I'll just Yahoo. Let me just Yahoo. I still have an old email address attached to Yahoo and I'm deeply ashamed that I still have it. Some people still have AOL and what can you do? We've also heard from 307. I've got BT Connect. You have. It's so funny. It's like Waitrose.com. Whenever I get that through, And it's like, B.T.

I get messages. Is this right, B.T. Yes. You've got international representation. You're a millionaire. Why have you got B2KMair? Why am I changing it? I'll change it when I'm cancelled and not a second before. But as someone of your stature, I think I would just accept. Well, do I mean.

Well, I suppose, sir. You don't need to prove yourself. What gives you stature as an email address? Well, waitrose.com doesn't. People used to buy domains. Do you remember? Well, they all do that now. A lot of celebrities... Prince Charles misunderstood, I'm bored Cornwall.

Sometimes the celebrities, when they email you, they have their name in it, don't they? I think I own something like frankskinner.com or something like that. I'll stop showing off. Yeah? I own Frank Skinner. I'm really thrilled with it. You would be Frank Skinner at Frankskinner.com. Someone like that.

Why don't you change it to Frank Skinner. F-Skinner? He'll get lazy. He'll turn it to F-Skinner. 307 has got in touch. Right. Hello, Frank Emily and fellow presenter. Are you okay with FP?

Yep. Okay. My grandfather's claim to fame. My grandfather's clock was too large for the shelf. Sorry, carry up. Lucky him. Clock. Okay.

Was being stationed with Elvis in the army. Oh, wow. He even told me he was in the jailhouse rock video. Recently. Media. I think he means. I don't think MTV was around then 307, but anyway, we know what he means. Recently, at his funeral, after the vicar mentioned this fact, Elvis was played during the ceremony, which was rather lovely.

And I asked my gran about it. And she said to me, I'm sick of this. He was in the army at the same time as Elvis, but they were about 200 miles apart. Oh, no. She then said, apologies, I'm going to have to swear, he was talking. shite. Right? Much respect to my granddad, but maintaining that

lie for no reason for all of those years. 307. Respect, I say. What about when my dad went to my uncle's funeral and he said to the daughter

they read out his name obviously and stuff of the thing, including his middle name. My dad said to his daughter to my uncle's daughter. He said, I never knew his name was Patrick. And she said, well, it's on the birth certificate. You said, well, it's on the debt certificate now. I thought, all right, it feels a bit blunt for the bereaved.

You've got to be a bit sensitive around the bereaved. You had to have the last word, my dad. Oh, God. We've also heard from Peter Duran. Oh, yeah. I know his brother. Oh, who says, who lives in, I don't want to be too specific about where he lives. No. He's given his full address.

Okay. Which I like, it's quite old school. It's quite old steves of him. See what he says. We might be glad of it. Well, that's true. In a, we know where you live, context. During the election period, I was wondering, whatever happened to cars with huge trumpet-like speakers on the roof rack, often... Citizens of Lancaster.

The Labour 40. Yeah, all that. There used to be a lot of that. Often a Morris traveller. Do you know what that is, Frank? Like a Morris minor, is it? I don't know anything about it. But you know those Morris cars, they had almost like wooden panelling on them.

They were green with wooden panelling on them. With the candidate inside on a microphone begging. for us to vote for him. They would weave in and out of the streets just when you were trying to put the kids to bed. That's Peter Durand. He wants to know what's happened to them. Why people don't use those anymore?

I have to say... I haven't seen one for years, I must admit. And they were great. They really were the sound of election day. Isn't that just what Instagram is now, essentially? Maybe, but it did... It felt... I mean, I don't know if people still do this,

but people used to stand on a sort of crate. was it called? Yeah, the soapbox? Soapbox. People would stand on that and give a speech. It raised them up about a foot, maybe. Just enough. What was the speaker's corner?

Is that soapbox? Is that Hyde Park Corner or something? Yeah, that's a bit scary. Is it? Oh, is it? Is it a bit scary? Yeah. You used to be where people read poetry and things like that, wasn't it?

Oh, is that right? Yeah, no, it's very political. Oh, I see. You can get me back a speaker's corner. No, I go to Corrie instead of Denmark Street to get mine. Oh, no. I did that once. I was on driving down Park Lane and a car pulled up at the side of me

and said, we got to, do you want to buy these speakers? They had two big speakers, obviously stolen. And I said you want speakers' corners just down there, mate. Did it land well? They enjoy it? Nothing. Do you know, I find thieves, the same. Spencer Fumer leaves a lot to be desired.

No, exactly. I was outside the pub the other day, and this guy came around with a hold hole sale in Marks and Spencer's T-shirts. Is it David Gandy? I haven't seen that for ages. David Gandy, it might have been. Did you get one?

No. Probably should have done. How much were they? How much? Like a tenor. Oh, that's cheap. But Nairnsst T-Shirt will set you back a bit more. They might not have been stolen, you know.

He might have... Oh, come on, Frank. Who is it going to be Mr. Mark? His wife might have... He's not to be going into the park. Hello, to save you. going into the branch, here's our merch. You might be right. So listen, I went to a do.

Oh, yeah. Right. And I was, it was a sit-down dinner thing. Lovely. So I, you know what they do? They take you away from your wife and whatnot. So I wasn't, Kath was on a completely different table. I was sitting with a group of people I didn't know at all. But, you know, you've got to join in. So I started chatting to the boat next to me. And he worked in, I think the word is film.

Oh, okay. Which I like to think of as films. Yeah. Anyway, he was chatting away, and he was chatting away about, you know, working with people. And he tries to hire people who he feels have got a core decency, he said. I said, okay. I said, I think I used to be a fucking nightmare. to work with.

He said, really? He said, I find it. Because we've been chatting for quite a while, getting on well. He said, I find that hard to believe. I said, no, no, really. I was, I used to be quite bad, quite demanding and, you know. He said, real, well, I really can't believe him.

I said, I'll tell you what, there was a bloke sitting opposite me who I used to work with who completely ignored me for the whole meal. I said, Dan, and he looks across in slight horror. I said, ask him. So he said, Dan, what was Frank like to work with?

So he looked a bit. I said, it's okay, mate, it's my idea of this. You just say, oh. Oh my God, this is the most most horrifying thing I've ever had in my heart. He said, well, I don't look back on it with any pleasure, I have to say. I said, go on, just, he said no, he said it was. Oh, my God. It was horrible at times.

Remember that time and then he mentioned an incident and I said, yeah, that was fucking hell that was pretty hardcore. And we went on like that and there was a speech I used to do which I would say, I'd say you people, you're born in the right place to the right family. I got mates back in Smedic working on the bins.

If they'd have had your advantages, they'd have been brilliant at this job. I'm glad to have it. So just fucking remember how lucky you are. That's a lovely speech. Yeah, they didn't like it. I thought it was inspirational. Never went well.

Anyway, we had a proper talk about it. And it was really something. He described it. He said to my wife after, I've just had a cathartic conversation with your husband. Because he obviously planned not to talk to me at all. Really? Because he was so traumatised.

I don't know if he said traumatised. But he said, I've worked with all. other like, you know, difficult people since. So it's all in car. I said, you can use the C word. And he said to them, well, okay. He said, well, you know what I mean. Anyway, he didn't want to actually go that far.

But I thought it was quite, it was, you know, that bit in Annie Hall when there's a bloke talking about Marshall McLuhan? And he calls, Woody Allen just calls over Marshall McLuhan. And he says, no, I didn't mean that at all in my life. Yeah. Yeah, it was a bit like that. Yeah. I like that.

Well, I think that shows you in a good light. You wanted that feedback. I'd said, you know, look, I'm not going to apologise to you because I think that would be a bit pathetic, really, because what good would that do? That would just be to make me feel better. I said, but I'll say to you, you know, I don't want to be that person again. To air as human to forgive divine.

Well, I think, I remember you saying to me once that it's difficult when you're the person in the room who cares the most. Yeah, well, that is true. What I would say about you, though. Also, I worked with him on a show where we were doing five, four live shows a week. It's a bit stressful. I would also like to add something else. Whilst we're in a safe space, I would say of you, what I do respect about you is that you're not one of those people.

And we do meet these people in showbiz who's performatively fun and jolly and nice and actually a very horrible person. You are not, you couldn't be less from that person. Okay. No, I'm horrible off. No, you're not horrible. I would say you're consistent and authentic. You're not fake. I used to be very chippy.

These middle class people have got, you know, they live near London. It's all they're waiting for them, and they don't really appreciate it. They're getting into telly so they can sit in Groucho Club doing cocaine. How dare you in front of my very face? I'm sorry. As I told you before,

I made at least two phone calls. I had to call at least two of my dad's family. I'm fair enough. Fair enough. You took the hard times. I took the hard work. Yeah, it did as well. But anyway, the other thing that happened at this do was they, you know when they hire someone?

Oh, they hire a turn. Yeah, so it was. A boy George or someone. It was Lee John. Lee John. Of imagination fame? Yeah. Oh, one of my favourites.

We love imagination. You know, Lee John. He spells it with three ease. He has three ease. Not the first person in that class. to have three E's. I wouldn't be surprised. Anyway, he did a thing,

and he got up and he said, still got the voice. I like it. It's a kind of strange booking, which makes me like it. Yeah, and he did body talk. Body talk, do. But he did that thing that, I don't know if white people can do it. Oh, God, what's it? You put you across your legs and you do like a spin.

Do you know the thing I mean? Yeah, we can do that. We can do that. I can't. I'm joking. I'm joking. I have fear of falling. But there was a moment. He was doing it and I'm really impressed by that.

I thought maybe I need to work on myself a bit more. I'd love to be able to do that. So you can do a strange dancing spin? Well, I forget more things nowadays. It'd be very happy. It'd be helpful to me in the street to be able to suddenly turn and go back the other direction. And I love the idea of turn.

Like that in the straight. A man my age. Like an old raggedy scarecrow being turned by a strong gossed of wind. Anyway, what struck me? I was really studying the technique. So it begins... Studying the technique of Lee John. It begins with the right foot going to the left of the left foot.

Do you know what I mean? Yes. I know what you mean? And you know what? I was watching it. And suddenly I thought to myself, Oh, do people still get their shoes on the wrong feet? Well, as you were watching, Lee John Spinning. Because there was a time when it looked like his shoes was on the wrong feet because one had gone to the other side.

And I've never, I haven't done that for years. Do you know, I think it can happen occasionally with an og. Can it? Yes. I can imagine even. Just because there's not great definition with an ag. They can be somewhat interchangeable. Could it happen with a cro?

Could it happen with a crock? Oh, it could happen with a crox. Chefs are having that problem all over the shop, I imagine. My dad, one of his favourite jokes was a bloke come down for breakfast in the morning and his wife said, your working boots are on the wrong feet. And he said, yeah, they should be on yours. He loved that joke. To hold it many time.

Do you think the definition between left and right shop has been left and the, left and the, and right feet has become more extreme. Like, back in the day, each shoe might have been more similar. Oh, I see. Well, in the medieval period, they had the long pointy ones. Yeah, but I think the early shoes didn't distinguish between left and right, but then you couldn't get them on the wrong feet. I love an early shoe.

Have you ever worn a pair of campers? It's like, well, you've got, you put your toes in? They can be very, no, no, just very broad. Now, you're, the Japanese separated toe. Oh, I like those, though. Isn't it a flip-flop conceit, essentially? It's a glove thing, isn't it? Oh, yeah.

No, I went to the samurai exhibition at the British Museum, which is brilliant. Now over, don't turn up. And they had shoes that had the separated toe. Did they? I mean that. I've got a pair of trainers with all the individual toes. Yes, you can get those, can you? Never fucking won.

Are they a bit Yeezy-ish those? I think Yeezy might do those. Do you know what? In the school holidays. You know Yeez. I had a pair of Yisys. Did you have Yisys? Well, Sports Direct bought them all, didn't they?

Yeah, after Panyo went. And sold them cheap, didn't? Yeah, 40 quid. Okay. Oh, that's embarrassing. Yeah. Well, did he done something silly Billy, I think, probably, hadn't he? Well, he's done a lot of silly Billy.

But would you wear a pair of Andrew, Mountbatten winter slip-ons? I gave them a way. Well, I gave them a tuition. Sorry, the worst business I did. but in my heart, Andrew Mountbatten, Windsor's slippers. What about... Royal Forest Toaster. What about if I could bring up the Peter Sandelson

as a rival to Birkenstocks? Tising campaign. Oh, man. Oh, dear. That's what you have to do. If there's any hint, whiff of disgrace about you, you've got to get a shoe range out. Oh, dear.

Well, I was a dirty stopout last night, so I've got the same... I'm not going into details. It was perfectly legitimate. Okay. I slept alone. But I put, so I put the same socks on this morning. Did you?

And I was careful to get them on the right feet. Oh, wait. You know, you can see where the big toe was yesterday. I wouldn't want to put them on different, not when they've settled into a form. It's like memory foam. So you wear the socks two days in a row, do you? Not normally, but sometimes they will.

It's that terrible. No, it's not terrible. I need to get into that habit because chat GPT has told me gently it feels I overwash. It said, Emily, I think you're setting your... You'll be getting a call from Thames Water. It did. It said, Emily, I think you're making life very difficult for yourself. Just with the amount of washes, it said you do not need to, it is not normal to wash pyjamas after every use. How does it know that you're doing that? Because I told it. I tell her everything. It knows everything about me, Rob.

It knows my VAT registration number. It's very safe, I'm sure. See, like, hey, you're just on a wash. No, I just wanted... I think they can smell the deterred. We think they can't, but they can. Do you think it's odd to wash pyjamas after every use? It's mental.

Is it? Yeah. I didn't know that. I really appreciate your honesty here. That's every day then, isn't it? Yeah. No, because I have all sorts of different pyjamas, some with Ray's face on them, some plain black.

I'll wear pyjama trousers Until the urine-encrusted crotch What the earth has happened? Forms something like a tortoise, carapace, codpiece. Oh my actual god. You could strike a match on the gossip of my pyjama trousers. What's happened to this? I'm sorry, I thought we were talking about how often you wash pyjama trousers.

I don't want to know about the urine crust. I just want to know. I told you, I can't do any creative. work without a urine reference. So how many days... How many days does it take for the urine crust to form? Oh, I mean, that's two weeks.

Two weeks you're wet pajamas for? Oh God. I think a lot of people do that. I've got to sort of sound. What am I doing to get dirty in bed? I... No. But I'm not. We're right, Christina Aguilera.

Yeah, nowadays. I tend... I would say, oh, one use is enough for me. Just psychologically, I'm spotless. by the way, Rob. Is this what you say to chat GPT? I'm spotless by the way.

Chat GPT. But I just psychologically I've worn them, they go straight in the laundry bin. This is why I spend my life washing. It's not good for the planet. I know it's not. I've got to stop, Frank.

I'd rather... But you know what? Do I feel clean? You're encrusted? I don't want to go down that way. I'm not suggesting you go urine crossed. It's not for everyone. What I would say is

there is an element. I mean, you must sometimes think, oh, fuck the planet. Ronald Trump. You know what I mean? Saddle good Indians. I'd say that to David Otterborough. Oh, David. On the 100th birthday, a message from Frank Skinner, fuck the planet.

Good night. I think if you feel really uncomfortable in the second day, pajamas, you must. You should wash them. Because I think comfort in bed is important. That's our age. Oh, do you know you're right, Frank? How often are you cleaning your sheets? Oh, do you what?

No, but mine are done once a fortnight. There's a lady who comes in. The lady does it. Mine is weekly. Is that over the top as well? Once a week? Probably. I think you're, you know, you're a clean person

and I think you've benefited from that. Well, I'm a clean person. Having said that, I do worry about the planet, especially if I'm going to have a relationship. relationship with David Attenborough and his final years. No, but I have to say that to David Attenborough. I mean, Samuel Johnson, the great 18th century writer, said that no one ever had an hours less sleep or ate an ounce less beef worrying about current affairs.

Is that right? What we worry about is where that jacket's gone that we had, if our kid is sick, and whether we get there on time on Tuesday. We don't worry about the big. current affairs that directly affect us. That's all we worry about. Yeah, yeah. I think you're absolutely right. And given that the, you know, that does,

the planet does affect whether David Attenborough likes me. But you can't be worrying about everything. Okay. As George Elliot said in Middlemarch, if you worried about other people's troubles and all that constantly, you would go insane and she says it would be like hearing the grass grow. Better than hearing the urine crust grow. Well, I don't know.

Sometimes in your roll over, there's crackling. I'll be honest with you. Bro, I do apologise. No, no, no, no, I'm here for it. Yeah, he's all right, he can handle it. Is there anything else from outsidey-worldy? Yes. We've had this from Simon of Sudbury.

He's one of our regulars. Yeah. I noticed you opened a podcast recently with a line from Don't Pass Me By, by the Beatles. Correct. which got me thinking about a line later in the song, which is, you were in a car crash and you lost your hair. Yes, the car crash, very sad,

might explain her belated arrival at his old front door, but how the hell did she lose her hair? Did the sudden impact cause her syrup to fly off out of the window, never to be seen again? I'd appreciate it, Frank, if you could try and clear this up for me. Cheers, Simon of Sudbury. I was, I once had a swimming session with Duncan Goodhue. The most ranc skinner thing I've ever heard.

I love this. Do you know him? He said I was one of the best starfish floaters he'd ever seen. It's another euphemism for going to the toilet. But he was hairless. And what had happened to him is he'd fallen out of a tree when he was a child. Is that right? And the trauma had caused all his hair to come out.

So if you were in a car crash, you could lose your hair. What about that? Oh, yes. So do you think that's what the Beatles meant? Sorry that I doubted you, oh, I was so unfair. You were in a car crash and you lost your hair. Yeah. Because...

I wish he'd done all the lead vocals. Was that Ringo then who did that? Wouldn't it really spoiled it? The long and winding road. What about yesterday? Yesterday. All my trouble seem so far away. It would have ruined it. Absolutely ruined.

Ringo, we need to talk, mate. No, I think it's going great. Peace and love. Something in the way she moves. Attrax me like no other lover. Anyway, we can't do these all day. Oh, I plan to. Oh, Ringer.

Oh, dear. Okay, well, so I hope that's helped you, Simon of Sudbury, and you feel satisfied by that explanation. Yes, I think it could happen. It might them even have read it. You know, they always read stuff in the paper and then turn them into songs and things. That have even happened.

They're big for that. Anyway, look, the final episode of this series of Frank Skinner's Poetry Podcast is out on Wednesday. This time it's Kathleen Jamie. Do you know her, Rob, Scottish poet? Former Macca. Oh, really? Yeah.

I don't mean that she was in the bootleg Beatles. I mean she was a Maca is like the Scottish Poet Laureate kind of thing. Got you. Anyway, Frank Skinner. Frank Skinner. It's the Frank Skinner podcast.

A new winter change is blowing. It's the Frank Skinner podcast. I'm not totally sure how it's going. Thanks for listening to the podcast. Make sure to like and follow so you never miss an episode. And if you want to get in touch, you can email the podcast via Frank Off the Radio at avalonuK.com.