The Frank Skinner Show - Do Bird

Episode Date: February 14, 2025

This week Frank went to a screening and Buzz asked him a surprising early morning question. The team also discuss beekeeping, Starbucks names and The Blues. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

TD Direct Investing offers live support. So whether you're a newbie or a seasoned pro, you can make your investing steps count. And if you're like me and think a TFSA stands for Total Fund Savings Adventure, maybe reach out to TD Direct Investing. It's Fred off the radio, featuring him and that posh lady, oh, and the one with the French name, who from South Africa came

They're all here, open brackets, hooray! Close brackets today! Hi, this is Frank Off the Radio. I'm joined by Emily Dean and Pierre Navelli. Remember them? Follow the podcast on X and Instagram. You can email the podcast via Frank off the radio at avalonuk.com. That's that, Dodd. I like hay.

I just, you know, I get bored of, I like to, I don't think I've found my beginning yet on this. Okay. I like to have a nice punchy opening, but haven't got it. You'll turn up. I don't think I found my beginning is your other Eurovision contender. After life.

All right, yeah. And I don't think you become my end. And then the heartfelt accordion. Yes. Do you know, I would probably download that. Yeah, I don't know. I'd like to own mine having another couple of takes. It depends on your styling and branding. We can work on that.

Styling and branding. I want embroidered waistcoat. I want a heavy suggestion of you. No, that's magic you're going into. So listen, I had a text from the popular activist, David Padil. And today, literally this morning. And this is what it was. For me, it was a long, dark walk down memory lane. Many years ago, I used to tell a story.

This was a thing that happened to me. I was watching David Frost on the television and he did what I thought was a very good pun. I know people don't like puns but just stick with it. And the pun was Marmite, hopeful pa. Anyone? No one got that in the room. Oh, oh, oh, yes. Okay. Ma might have sex with me tonight. Yes. Said hopeful par. Okay, okay. Thank you. Okay. So that was the joke. And even I was, I was pretty young when it went out, but I thought, I love that. I love that joke. So my cousin came around that night and I said, here's a joke for you. I have told this story before, but it just

happened. And I said, here's a joke for you. Marmite, hopeful pa. And he went, ha ha ha. I said, you get it? He said, no, don't get it. I said mama so I did exactly what you just said I explained what mom might do and why Paul would be hopeful about that and He and then he went Anyway, we went down the pub and I was playing darts and I heard him talking to someone At the side. I swear this is true and he said is a joke for you Bovril Hopeful par at the other black one

Anyway today Dave forwarded me I an X I mean from X, not one of my X's, he forwarded that. Oh, well I never would have spoke to him again. He forwarded me an X, what would you call it? A tweet. It's not a tweet. It's a post now.

What, the X's? The X post. A post. Yeah. And anyway, it was a bloke who'd seen, found this bit of footage of the original David Frost joke. And he'd put it up and he said, this is, you know, a bit of like comedy archive. I remember Frank Skinner telling this story on Room 101. And the thing was, of course, the point of the joke is not that Ma might hopeful Pa is a great joke.

For me it's the fact that my cousin didn't get it and then the other bloke didn't get it either. And I thought Volfra would be an absolute... Anyway, as with every clip now on the internet, it has to be subtitled. Yeah, that's because apparently people listen to funny clips at funerals and things they can't play them out loud. Although I find on public transport people play everything out loud. Why they're subtitling stuff. It's finally got to where people think I'm not getting pods of your fans. I'm just playing what I want to hear in full volume in front of everyone else.

I've just seen people actually watching films with the volume up Yeah, but no at this point that this has happened. They're brought in subtitles. Yeah What maybe it's a desperate suggestion anyway, so The guy has subtitled it and he's put out for par pa double R and I thought he didn't even he didn't get it And I thought, even he didn't get it. The guy who subtitled it, PARR. Was she talking about Katherine Parr? I don't know why she'd be so hopeful. She might be a mar.

Well, no, she would be hopeful because she outlived him. Okay. Yeah, but didn't she marry someone worse than him? There was no one worse than him. No, I think the second husband was vile. She outlived him, although she didn't do as well as Anne of Cleves, ended up with two palaces, didn't even have to do the deed. Thank you. Cleves, we should say, was slang for cleavage in the 16th century. Oh, she's a big' one. Don't worry about that.

Sorry that was her smithic, Frank, suddenly emerged. That doesn't sound very courtly. Happily's gone down again. I don't know if that's what Thomas Cromwell said to it. Imagine Sir Thomas More. It's not like you to be so cruel. So anyway, Catherine Parr married a bloke who I think tried to have relations with her sister or daughter or... Oh, it wasn't a big deal back then.

No, I know, but I don't like him. Oh, it cleaves. Well, I don't have that. That was nice that David thought of you. Well, it was just, I mean, it's a joke that joke that you know It's been so long since I did told the story since it happened to me It's almost like did it really happen that David Frost joke, but there it was yeah, I liked it Let me tell you a thing that happened to me. I I Woke my son up to go to school my son buzzes 12

What time do they wake up to go to school these days? He gets up about quarter past seven. Oh early dawn. That's not bad. Yeah. And so I woke him up and I think the first thing people say to you in the day is always an interesting thing. So he said to me, so what's your favorite Ghostbusters prop?

I mean he'd been awake four seconds and I said um, PKE meter, which is the thing that you point to see if there's a ghost there. And he went oh I think I'd go for the ghost trap. And then we just we didn't mention it again. I mean, both good answers off the bat. Yeah. Still sleep in the eyes and you guys are coming out with props by name. I love the idea that that stuff you get in your eyes is called sleep. Oh, it makes me feel a bit ill. I can't talk about it. Make it like an abstract thing, a cronchy thing is great. That's true. Like you say, I've got a bit of golf on my tie.

Yeah. Oh, don't do it. You're right. I've got older, I find I feel like I've got a bit of time on my chest. They don't do it with any other secretions. For example, in your nose. I can't think of any. You don't call it tube.

No, nasal. It's sleep. Yeah. It got the same name. They didn't even call it like sleep dust. It's Sleep. It got the same name. They didn't even call it like Sleep Dust, Sleep Crystals. They just called it Sleep the same. Like when I pretended I had a sister to my mate at school, I just chose the name of his

sister. Oh. She was actually called Sleep. She wasn't. Wouldn't be a bad name, would it, for a young pretty American actress, Sleep Anderson. Yeah, yeah, and you'd Google them to go, where have they come from? And you'd find out that they're like the daughter of, you know, Tom Hanks and someone else.

Oh, they always are. Oh, okay, all right, that's why she's called Sleep. There's always somebody lurking in the contacts, but... Do you know Tom Hanks? No. I'll kill that typist. So as you know I've been done for speeding three times in the last eight months. Yes. We're sitting here with a crim. Yes. You're on the run, they sprung you from the moor. But you're gonna do bird. I'm gonna touch wood. Imagine Frankenstein bird.

I'm gonna do bird. You'd read a lot. You'd be head of the chaplain or head of the library? Why not both? Librarian and chaplain. Yeah. Okay. Do you think that's what drag acts said? They sit around in a pub and one of them goes, you know what, I think I'm gonna do bird. And that means they're going to become drag acts. You'd be good in prison. Arthur's going to say I'm a good drag act. You would be good. I'd love to be an old granny drag act. Do they have those?

They must do. To be fair to you, you've got great legs. You have, you know that, don't you? I find a lot of grannies have. Yeah? That woman who steps into the walk in bath in the Sunday supplements. No your demographics just changing. Yeah I know that. Go on.

Yeah I could do like a sort of a, you know my Wild West old timer? Gee is it good? There's a sort of granny equivalent of that. Gee is it? What's going on Will? Enough Marshall. The granny equivalent of that is, yes and what's going on Will, Nuff Marshall? And actually, I just heard Dolly Parton's rock album, have you heard this? No.

She did a rock album and that's what it is. Really? It's her going, we will, we will rock you. I mean it's terrible. It's absolutely terrible. But it's her doing stuff like that. Smoke on the water. Fire in the sky. Oh man, and I love Dolly Parton as a country. You know what, she's done her time. She doesn't have to turn up now. You know, Dolly. Someone had to be thrown out of the Dolly Parton musical in Manchester, it was in the news.

Is that right? Why? For being homophobic. And you just think, sorry, there was a homophobe in the audience of the Dolly Parton musical. I know. How does this happen? I wasn't expecting it at all. No, I know that is, people know. Why did they get the ticket? I know. I told you a woman when I was on tour,

a theater manager said to me, since COVID people don't know how to be an audience anymore. She said the behavior of audiences has gone completely down the toilet. I was about to go on stage, remember, when she told me this. I don't think, I think people no longer realize

that you're not meant to talk throughout film. Oh, I've given up. No, I just keep. I mean, if they're looking in my general direction, I regard them as wrapped. Anyway, yeah, so what? I thought I've got to do something. If I get another ticket, I'm on nine points and then you are driving. Well then you need to call Mr. Loophole, I've told you about that. You know, many years ago a mate told me I drove like a pensioner. And this was, I was like- You're gonna have to take your test again soon.

It was awkward, because I was like, I'd become a bit of a, you know, celebrity, and I went back to see some of my old friends back home. And one of them, I drove him to the pub to meet the other two and he said to me God you drive like a pensioner, what's wrong with you? I said alright so he got to the pub he said whoa just had a lift from him drives like a pensioner, honestly you wouldn't believe it honestly he drives like a pensioner and I said look I've got a lot more to lose than you have. It went really badly. But I was goaded.

Anyway, so what I've done is I've gone, do you know Waze? Oh yes, I know Waze. I was an early adopter of Waze. Were you? Well I have been anti-Waze in the past. What because you loathe knowing where you're going? I'm going generally with you. Because Waze, everywhere Waze took me, I had speed bumps on me.

It was almost like, you know, it was like a fairground ride. Yeah, it's a pro-nausea app. It is, so I stopped. But... You stopped? You're on cold turkey on Waze. Well, I went off Waze. What do you use instead?

Well I just use whatever's in the car. Oh, a cat? No, she's very good on direction. I bet she is. But anyway, I'm in with the driver the other day, this is a few months ago now, maybe six weeks. I think we've established the chronology. And he says to me, what you need is Waze. He said, because if you're driving on Waze, you get a big blue circle coming up if you're approaching a speed

camera. I said, oh, God, I need that. I so need that. And he said, yeah, just switch to Waze. Well, I'm not a technical guy. Really? So I said to my 12-year-old, can you put Waze on my phone? So he sets it up. So I said to my 12 year old, can you put ways on my phone? So he sets it up. So I'm driving along, I thought this is going to be great. So my voice says, hey, I think you need to turn left here and watch out for that plasma. Hey? And it's a raised stance from Ghostbusters. And I look at the car moving down the road It's it's the it's the x01, you know, so I'm driving the x01

With Ray Stantz giving me he says things like this is one was actually right there Both the psychometric and ectoplasmic energy balances in this cul-de-sac are off the charts So he's my Useful, I mean does I have Christina Aguilera? But with two hours, but what is he dirty with two hours? Dirty dirty. No, she does some she has funny Aguilera. She throws things in sometimes. Oh, I think she's attractive. Guys, she throws things in sometimes which I like, which are

very pleasing. Like, thank you, you did that left. Well, just what a girl wants. Oh. She throws in references. So you've got, have you got an Aguilera car? Oh no, I don't have that. Oh. I just have the voice. Okay, because Ecto-1 is a great thing to be driving. Okay, so I understand that for the general directions they're going to say, turn left up ahead, watch out for ghosts, I was in Ghostbusters. You know, they'll add in something that's... No, because he's in character, he wouldn't say I was in Ghostbusters.

Well, he could say I was a ghost. I was a Ghostbuster. Well, he is a Ghostbuster. I'm currently a Ghostbuster. Something nominally relevant to the... Who would you like? You'd have to have some Jeffrey Chaucer or something. I would... Beowulf. I would like... The trouble is the road system. Why on that speed bump? Since Beowulf, the road system's changed drastically. I would like... It might get you to a mead hall. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Feasting halls, avoiding speed cameras. Exactly. This is a... Grendel's mother is on there. You have reached the executioner's block. Who wrote... Who was it who wrote Lady in the Van? Alan Bennett.

Yeah, I'd like an Alan Bennett one. Oh, he'd be good, wouldn't he? Yeah. I remember the last time I turned left. It's just sort of quite catty sort of reminiscences. There's a very nice shop that sells biscuits on this road. You'd soon get fed up with that though, wouldn't you? Mother was overwhelmed by roundabouts. Oh god, switching to Schwarzenegger or whatever else is available. Yeah, so Frank, I've just had a thought. Why don't you speak to

your manager? What about being a... I'll tell you what, I think that there'd be big money in that. I mean, it'd be a long record. Don't get me wrong. They make you do every road. No, you only say left right. He only throws in the odd ghosty things. Can you imagine having Frank? I'd like that. Yeah, but my problem is that I get lost every day of my life and I've been done for speeding three times in the last eight months. I don't know if I'm the perfect person to be a satan. People would take you more seriously than me. They're like, this guy knows.

Yeah, but it'd be me going, hey, take it easy. I know what it's like. This episode is sponsored by Shopify. Do you ever feel like you're missing out because it seems like everyone is either starting a side hustle or becoming their own boss. And you know what they're hearing a lot? It's the sound of another sale on Shopify, the all-in-one commerce platform to start, run and grow your business. Shopify is the commerce platform revolutionising millions of businesses worldwide. Whether you're selling succulents or stilettos, flaky salt or fine art prints, Shopify simplifies selling online and in person so you can successfully grow your business.

Covering all your sales channels from a shopfront ready POS system to its all-in-one e-commerce platform, Shopify even gets you selling across social media marketplaces like Facebook, Instagram and TikTok. Full of the industry-leading tools ready to ignite your growth, Shopify gives you complete control of your business and your brand without learning new skills in design or coding. And thanks to award-winning help and with an extensive business course library, Shopify is ready to support your success every step of the way. What's lovely about Shopify is that no matter how big you want to grow,

Shopify will be there to empower you with the confidence and control to take your business to the next level. It's time to get serious about selling and get Shopify today. This is Possibility. Powered by Shopify. Sign up for a £1 per month trial period at shopify.co.uk slash Frank, all lowercase. Go to shopify.co.uk slash Frank to take your business to the next level today. shopify.co.uk slash Frank. Are you crushing your bills? Defeating your monthly payments?

Sounds like you're at the top of your financial game. Rise to it with the BMO Eclipse Rise Visa Card, the credit card that rewards your I went to a screening. What of? Of Becoming Led Zeppelin. Were they ever called Led Zeppelin? Led Zeppelin? Yeah. I don't think so. Perfect, isn't it?

Why weren't they called Led Zeppelin? They had a weird name before Led Zeppelin. It's like Tim Swim. Tim Swim. Led Zeppelin is the villain of the Tim Swim universe. Don't sink to the bottom of the pool like Led Zeed. I think Led Zeed is a great name. I've never heard anyone say it.

Were they British? Led Zeed? Yeah, because Robert Plant was British, wasn't he? Well, he was from Wolverhampton. Is he? Yeah. I didn't know that. No, he's one of those. They're really proud of him. Every time I meet Robert Plant, all I get is stick about the Albion

and the wolves are doing better and stuff like that. I've met him like, I don't know, three times. Okay. But that's what he does. Yeah. Straight back to home turf. He's very wolves. Is he? I'm glad to hear that. I like it when a global celebrity has retained some British regional qualities. What does Mary Wolves mean? Well, you know, there are people who leave the area that they grew up in and then they become where they moved to. And there are people like it. Ringo is another one. Ringo is a very scarce man, even though he's lived in LA for like 40 years.

Okay, yeah. He's still got that slightly. I wish Christian Bale was more Welsh. Is he Welsh? He's from Wales, I think. That's a good general rule, I think. I'd set up a petition. I wish Christian Bale.

Christian Bale, of course, was how I got Cliff Richard out of prison. So we went to this. it was at the Sony headquarters. The screening was? Yeah. And we got there and they had these weird sort of, I think they might have been done with a 3D printer. And then they had all these little things from films. You know the Spider-Man kiss when he's upside down?

Yeah. Oh yes, is that the Kirsten Danst, Tobey Maguire? Yeah, with Kirsten Danst saliva slowly filling up his nostrils. Wasn't my memory of it. Anyway, there are worse ways to go than to go out on Danst's spit. Danst is a difficult word, isn't it? It's quite Germanic. Yeah. Kirscht undonst.

I'm trying to think of a right... Oh. Anyway, so we got there and we saw this thing and they got a ghost trap, like a tiny ghost trap. So I got very excited. And then there was an office. It was in darkness because it was there at night. No, but it was a wow because there was a neon sign and I'm assuming it was Ghostbusters in Japanese. Do they have an O in Japanese? They don't.

A circular shaped letter would be Korean. No I don't think it was. He knows languages. The only sort of East Asian alphabet with circles in is Korean. Yeah, no, this was between the three. Now my point was that in the middle, they had the Ghostbusters symbol, you know, the ghost looking through the thing.

Now in the act in Ghostbusters in this country, for example, it's looking through the O. They've used the symbol, the no entry sign. What's that thing that looks like an onion is that a ghost? Yeah. I've never seen it. I thought it was an onion. I did honestly think it was an onion. Yeah. Is that the ghost don't look like that. The little face on. I've never seen it. Anyway that's shallot busters you're thinking of. So I was trying to think whether there was I don't think there is a circle. I think it's like dairy. They're not interested in the Japanese.

No, no circles. Do you think they just stuck it in maybe the logo and it wasn't Japanese? Yeah, I think they just stuck the logo in the middle. But it was very, and then Boz was at the window of the office, his face pressed up against this darkened office going, I think they've got caught out to the frozen Empire characters and shouting out all these we've got to see the Led Zeppelin film it was me again I went there for poetry and came back with a wild West canteen anyway he got very excited Did you like the film? Was it a good film the Led Zeppelin? The Led Zeppelin? It was yeah because that's one of my I'd say that's in my top three genres a rock Was it a good film, The Led Zeppelin? The Led Zeppelin? It was, yeah.

Because that's one of my, I'd say that's in my top three genres of rock documentary. Oh really? Oh yeah, the Metallica one, you've seen the Metallica. I'll tell you what, yeah, but I'll tell you what I struggle with, with a lot of rock documentaries. You know the classic trilogy of Sex and Drugs and Rock and Roll? I just want the Rock and Roll really, I've heard enough about the sex and drugs. Congratulations. Yeah. So in this one they just talk about the music basically. And that suited you. And they talk about what brilliant musicians each other is

but they're not filmed together at any point when they're talking. That's a bit sus. I mean you know we're not exactly a resentment free zone, but at least we can gather into the same room to do our jobs. Why would you say that? I have no resentment towards you whatsoever. Good on you. So silly. Such a silly thing to say.

Anyway, they can't get them together, so there's obviously bad blood. But they're still doing a lot of praise. Oh, they're talking about each other as musicians, though, more as people. Not as blokes. No. Okay. But it was great. They had a bit, I think they were playing somewhere like Fillmore East, you know those?

Oh, yeah. And it said their manager, Peter Grant, said, right, if this doesn't go well, it's all over. You're listening to Frank off the radio. No but what a thing to say to your band before they go on. It doesn't sound like a natural leader. As it was they stormed it of course. I think you quite like that because that's a bit bit of a git isn't it? Well I suppose he felt you know that you know the Brian Clough thing that some players need a kick up the backside and some need an arm around the shoulder and you got it it's picking

which who needs what yeah it's the secret but now it was there was a lot of blues in it. Was there? Yeah not so keen on that. I can't be honest, I hate the blues. You hate the blues? Yeah. You don't like hearing about what happened after people woke up this morning? No, no, no, no, no. Woke up this morning, hated the blues. Oh yeah.

I'm going out of Memphis, got a gun in my hand. Too many blues, songs on my stereo. I know what's coming next. I. I know what's coming next. I bet I know what's coming next. Yeah, I'm going out of my face. Got a gun in my hand. If I see my woman, I might end up on remand. Are they ever happy in blues songs?

No. No. It's just the definition of it means they have to be depressed. They have to be miserable. I'm going to die tomorrow. I don't think the blues is popular. Get out. If it was, woke up this morning, checked the local agricultural forecasts, another fine crop.

Yeah. But even then the next line would be, yeah, that's how I woke up. I heard you the first time. I heard you the first time. And I checked it. No, I heard it. Checked the agricultural, very fine crop. Why did they do that? It's called messaging. And I checked it. No, I heard it. Checked it. Cut your own very fine cross.

Why did they do that? It's called messaging. What, saying it twice? Yeah, they're like spin doctors. You have to say it a lot to get your point across. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, see, you don't need words. No, this is another strong Eurovision entry. No, I'm just playing a voice message I got from Dolly Parton. I thought I'd download it, I thought it was on Spotify. But it's a good film, I would recommend it to our many, many listeners. Yeah.

Okay, I'll be listening to it, I'll watch that I think. Quickly regarding the rudeness, the people playing things out loud. Yes. We've talked before about people playing things out loud or people just going around dressed in pyjamas. We've talked before about everything, to bother the blues people. No, well that's it. Well. People dressed in pyjamas, oh we don't like people wearing them outdoors you mean?

Yeah. Well I saw what I... Well you know my thing, it's children in dressing gowns. I won't allow it. But that's a whole other thing. Yes. But then there's no Peter Pan. They've got no business wearing the dressing gown.

It's a louche garment for an adult. Yes, yes. It's not, it's wholly inappropriate and frankly a bit creepy on a child. It's like seeing them as a cigarette holder. Yeah, it's gross. I don't even like slippers. Who do you think you are with a dressing gown on like Hugh Hefner? You're meant to be seven. Have I disturbed you? Yeah, a lot while you hung over. Up late last night. It's horrible. What's he called the kid with the glasses in Peter Pan? Oh.

Okay. There are so many. I don't know what his name is. One of the darlings. Yeah, he's one of the darlings. William probably. Yeah. Well, they're all played by darlings.

Well, my family always called them one of the darlings. I don't know what their actual name was. Maybe they are called the darlings. No, their surname is the darlings. Oh, okay. That's nice. Wendy et al. I think I saw the final boss of public rudeness.

Go on. It was a guy in just pajamas, but visibly like sort of stained pajamas, but not like he wasn't sort of a gentleman of the road. No. He had a massive iPad, full volume. Oh, is that really open you're going to say, eyepatch? Massive iPad. Wow. A pilot. Wearing a cutlass, playing shanties out loud on the tube. With a Jimi Hendrix parrot. Absolutely blasting shanties arguing over treasure on

speakerphone. Did he have anything over that, just pajama jacket? What do you call it Frank? Jacket? Yeah. He had a sort of pajama under clothes and a sort of big padded jacket on top as if to finally acknowledge the fact he was outdoors. Like a big kind of quilted jacket. Not the ones with the straps on the ends of the arms. No, no, no. He wasn't... Did they still use those in the medical profession? I don't know. I don't know, No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, It's for people who are in straights. Yeah, die straight. That's why they're in that jacket. You spell it in the Knopfler way. Yeah, you do. I don't want to fall out over it. Well, this man... I don't think I've got any canvas in my wardrobe. I thought you were going to say straight jacket. You got anything canvas? Don't you have an espadrille? No, I'm not about clothing, not shoes.

Well, I'd put them in the same pen and have. Straight jackets, canvas, isn't it? I guess. I think even that... Haven't you got an Ant and Dec jacket? No, I haven't got one of those. Because they're normally in that mid-fabric. They don't wear canvas, do they? Oh, they do.

Do they? Canvas? Yes, they've got canvas on. Even beekeepers now, it's a sort of a polyester mix thing. They don't wear the old cambers. Ask David Beckham. He's a beekeeper, isn't he? What? David Beckham? Yeah. Is he?

No, he isn't. He is a beekeeper. It's got interesting... He's got special honey. It's like golden balls honey or something. Golden hides. Honestly, he is genuinely a beekeeper. Did you not know this? Does he wear the mask and fire the smoke? Yes, he's got all the garb. I've seen him in the outfit. He should call it Beacombs honey. Yeah, I don't know what he calls it.

I mean, I've heard Victoria Beckham has made a lot of, a lot of innuendos regarding the honey. I don't really wish to go there. That's between them. But yeah, no, he's quite a well-known beekeeper now. Is it a joke, then? No, honestly. It's not a joke. The producer's checking. He's a very respected beekeeper now. Respected? Yes. Wow. It's tough to break into something

like beekeeping and be respected so quickly. When you come to mention it, I saw Cristiano in Westminster Abbey recently taking brass robins. Oh man, what's happened for these footballers? Yes, the Jameson's robbing. He's got massive hives. Has he really? Yes. Okay, she tried Germany. So this rude man. Yes.

Action film out loud on a massive iPad, dressed in pajamas, blasting the sounds of the film. Was it on public transport? Of course. And then the kind of cherry on the cake that makes him, I think, the boss of these guys. Just full on sneezing in both hands. Just really, really like heavily sneezing and still using his iPad, like visible snot. Incredible. Incredible. And I think chewing gum out loud as well. Just big noisy chewing. That was probably expectorant.

It's just the sound of his nose really filling. I'm surprised Rio Berdinand didn't jump out and say, Bjerg, you've been murked. Do you remember when he did that show? He did a show called You've Been Murked. Don't deny knowing this. Oh yes, I remember that. It was like punked, but it was just Rio. Are you going to suggest gonna suggest the man in the pajamas then had to be Michael McIntyre? And it was a big haha We've got you

Well, I'm halfway to choking him He's trying to really can't get the makeup off you got his arms back Michael McIntyre was killed today by a furious commuter. Just terrible rolling news. Oh, Josh Whitcomb had that done to him recently, didn't he? I haven't watched it. He got woken up. It was a lovely moment because they made it really exciting. They brought in Alex James from Blur. Mr Mr. Sloppy came in it was a real

high production and he was like he was beside himself with excitement that was a fabulous bit where McIntyre leaves and they just poke one little camera back into the room and you just see Josh Techies asthma inhaler off the side table and others have a toothache. Oh Josh, I love him. That's so good. Oh. It was a good ending. That's great.

Frank, may I share something with you from Kentish Ben? Yes. Okay. Dear Frank, Emily and Pierre, I've noticed during my recent visits to a... I was going to say he could have called himself Bentish, but maybe... I like Kentish Ben. There's something a bit sort of Piers the Ploughman about that. during my recent visits to a leading fast food chain that need not be named, the servers now preface the order numbers they shout with yes, as in yes number 71 please. I assume this is to attract the attention of customers and forewarn them that an order number is about to be announced so that everyone can pay attention. As a scholar of the English language and former president of the Johnson Society, I hope Frank agrees with me that this use of the word yes is rather clunky.

Isn't it time we brought back the phrase, hear ye? Picture the scene, a crowd of tired commuters, school children and parents eagerly await their burgers and nuggets by the counter. A member of staff carries a paper bag towards the throne, clears their throat and shouts, Hear ye, hear ye, number 48. With a bell. Praise redacted. Longtime reader, first time correspondent, Vantage Ken. See, I think what's happening there is that the person is going 71 and as ever in McDonald's, somebody goes 71 and he goes, yes, 71 and this guy's only hearing the louder later section of it.

Yes. I can't see him ringing a bell. It's a very English tradition. What hear you or the bell? And many nations are represented in the fast food business. Can I ask you a question? Do you give your real name like, if you're in Starbucks, the old shanty Starbucks, like your local, do you give Frank Skinner or Franks? It's a bit embarrassing when you're a celebrity. In my local Starbucks I give Dead Eye give, lest I should be seen as a namby-pamby by the others.

I say... No, I'd say Frank. Do you? I say Peter. Why? You say Peter? I taxi for Peter, coffee for Peter, it's all Peter, yeah. What?

Frank, did you know about this? Oh, the English version of Pierre, maybe. Do you lie about your name? Oh, yes. Why? Because I'm very bored of spelling it. Oh, really? And repeating myself, because I'll say Pierre,

and they'll go, hm? And I'll go Pierre, and they go, Pe- And I go, ah, I've been called Perry, Piers, Bears. I like how you're being Perry. Perry. Because it looks a bit like Perry if you read it phonetically. Perry Novelli. Yeah, people, I'll say taxi, like a Uber or taxi or whateveretically. Perry Novelli. Yeah, people will... Really?

I'll say taxi, like an Uber or taxi or whatever app. And I go, for Pierre? And they'll go, and I'll see them look at the phone and go, mmm, it looks like him. And they'll go, Perry? And I'll go, yeah. Do you think they're experiencing Pierre pressure? It's the Frank Skinner Podcast. The new winter change is blowing. It's the Frank Skinner Podcast.

I'm not totally sure how it's going. Thanks for listening to the podcast. Make sure to like and follow so you never miss an episode. And if you want to get in touch you can email the podcast via frankofftheradioatavalonuk.com