The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Gets Arty

Episode Date: October 2, 2026

Frank and Em are joined by comedian Brennan Reece. Frank’s been spending his time at an art exhibition, Em’s got thoughts on Nasty Nick, and Brennan enlightens Frank about stag do shorts. If you want to message the show, email us at [e-mail] or WhatsApp us on 07457 417 769. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

It's Frank off the radio. It's the Frankskinner podcast, don't you know? Whoa, Black Betty Bamblin. Whoa, Black Betty Bambal and Black Betty had a child. The damn thing drank mild. This is Frank off the radio. I'm joined by Emily Dean and Brennan Reese is with us today. Follow the...

What do you mean, who? Find out soon enough. Frank was reading. Follow the podcast on X and Instagram. He laughed. He's all right. He did. ride inside.

They used to go with that one. You can email the podcast via Frank off the radio at Avalonuk.com. On the WhatsApp front. Oh, 7.45. 7.4.7.17. 7.7. 6. 7.7.7.7. And relax.

Welcome, Brennan. It's a lot in it to start with. It's a lot to start. But now it starts to meander. It's like struggling to get the top of a jar of picolet, but once you're in, it's quite gooey. The podcast works very much like that. Can I say I've only ever met Brennan twice before?

Brennan did crowdwork. Oh, is that the show you did in Edinburgh? In Edinburgh, yes. It was great fun. It was good. Yeah, it's an improvised show. And I'm assuming he was good. He was good, as he wouldn't be here now.

You know what I'm saying? Well, it never stopped me. The only reason I thought he might not come is when I thanked him at the end of the second show, I got his name wrong. You didn't. That's unlike you. What did you say? Brendan, did you go Brendan? I think I call you Finley Reese or something like that.

I mean, I've been called worse, so I'll take a Finley Reese. I know, but Finley and Brennan, they're not two names that keep banging up against each other in the memory, are they? Finley's an unusual one to go for. I don't know where it can. Did you apologise? Absolutely not. Did I not apologise? You can do it now if you want for everyone to hear.

It's the moment's gone now. Not for me. If it makes you feel any better, I did introduce Joe Wilkinson as Jack Whitehall. That's a different gig. I just had the initials in my mind and it didn't. It could have been Johnny Wilkinson. It was there. Then if you remember him.

The rugby player he kicked and won a World Cup. Yeah, the golden footer, something he was called. What was that, what they called his penis? I can't remember. We've only been doing this for a few minutes. I know. Do you know what? I keep a nice clean house I do, Brennan.

I know that. I know that. I went to an exhibition last night. What about that? Fancy Lardiegel. Highty. Hoytere. How was it?

And what was it? It was by an artist called Anish Kapua. I've heard of Anish Kapoor. You went to art, race. Brennan. Frank? Frank? I called him.

Why did you call him Reese? Brennan, I'm really struggling with. What's wrong with you? There was a Man United Football called Shari Brennan and that's what if I was you, that's what I'd call you a house. Okay, you can call me that? You can call me whatever you want.

I'm going to call you Brennan. Can I just say Frank likes to give nicknames to people? So our producer, he calls Sandy, even though her name's Emily. Right. But two emilies is too confusing. Oh, for goodness sake. Come on. Can I suggest one for me?

Let's give Brennan. Bren. I'd say the golden foot. That's okay. So that's an image for everyone. Okay. I'm happy with that. GF.

I'm troubling my age. No, I should have gone metric. I often think about that day when that, because that must have changed on a day. Yes, I was there. That was mad. I was mad. I know because I was there. It was mad.

Did they make an announcement then? They said it was something like, I don't know, February 19. 70 something. And they said like, you know, you go out today and you're going to spend pound shillings and pens. And when you go out tomorrow, it's all going to be one new P, as they called it. But you were still allowed to spend shillings.

But it was like, you know, people thought planes would drop out of the sky like the millennium. Whatever happened, any major change, people think the planes are going to drop out the sky. Like Y2K? Yeah, millennium bug. Yeah, all of it. So anyway, recent.

Brexit. They thought planes were going to drop out the sky. You were about... You were about Amish Kapoor. You were asking Brennan if he was familiar with Amish's world. Well, he doesn't like art. We've established that.

But that's all right. I do. I've seen gifs and memes. Okay. I know all the art. Okay. So I don't know if you are familiar with the work of Kapoor. But he...

One of his things is he uses the black... paint in the cosmos. What? Yeah, somebody developed this black paint. And he, I don't know how he did this, but he got a sort of exclusive on it. And when you look at it, it is the blackest thing you've ever seen. It doesn't reflect light at all. It is like looking, you imagine it into a black color.

What is it just the most intense pigment possible? Well, I don't know how they did it. But man, it just says, you're thinking, oh, no, I know what? It's basically dark, black, I can handle that. But it's more than that. Really? You find yourself thinking, oh my God, is that what's left? Is it like a black hole?

Well, it depends on what he does with it. You know, he paints different things with it. How does Amish manage to get hold of this? On the dark web? The very dark web, actually. There was some, I don't know all the facts of this, but as I recall, he got an exclusive with the people who developed it. And then other artists said,

why come Aenech gets to just have the blackest paint in the cosmos? And so they developed the pinkest paint in the cosmos, who was available to everyone except Anish. No. This is the story to get their own back. I didn't know artists were so petty. Yeah, and then he managed to get older some, and he dipped his middle finger in it

and put a picture online of him with the pink paint dripping down. I love a bit of gobshietery. Do you know when someone goes, I'm going to... Also, Brennan, he'd actually be a lovely friend for Frank. Because I just think that's how you might... It's a bit of a get thing to do. Yeah, I think if you, you know, if you've gone in there fast and got the... He don't want everybody using the blackest paint and the cosmos.

All the novelty will go out of it. Yeah. I want to know what he did to get the exclusive on it, though. Probably paid some money. But it feels like a lot to get the blackest paint of all. Yeah, it's not a thing I've ever priced. No. There's no segment in exchange of mark for the blackish paint available.

What do you use it for as well? I'll tell you how black it is. There was a black panel of it painted and in front of it there was like a corrugated. It looked like a stair thing. Yes. But when you looked at the corrugated bit with the black panel in the background, you couldn't see the slightest hint. of the corrugated thing.

Normally you'd get a bit of light or a bit of shadow, but nothing, you could, it disappeared into this void. Anyway, speaking of this podcast. Frank's quite critical of the podcast. No, I love the podcast.

But, you know, love is sinuous. It's his process. I'll tell you what I did do. I met, this might be a name that means nothing to you. What like mine?

No. Oh, no, he didn't. No, no, I remember this one. What I liked is when I was floundering then, I called you Reese, which is your surname. It's like being back at public school, Reese Minor. It was literally like the headmaster. Yeah, everyone liked to get five of the best. Exactly.

Do you, just not have interest? Usually six. Has it gone down nowadays? It's when it went from Imperial to Metro. woke you have five are the best now the woke karate campaign to get it down to five

I love that it was desperate oh man just so I can establish though because you've had Finley played around with Reese

which are you are you going for Brennan now I think I'm just going to you know those people when you meet someone and they obviously know you and you don't know you don't remember them

so you just don't use their name I mean I'm not a big name user some people they throw a name in every couple of sentences, you know what I mean? I find that slightly disconcerting. Do you, Emily? Oh, I didn't like it. No, but you see what people do, do that.

I find it disconcerting and a bit like someone's read a book on how to sort of manipulate me or something. Do you know what I mean? Because I think it is in how to win friends and influence people. Paul McKenna, I think. Yeah, it's very poor McKenna. How to Make Friends and Manipulate People. Because it's when people say, so far, Frank, you must know that, Frank, because someone of your stature, Frank, it's a bit odd.

It feels like they're penetrating your mind a bit. I think they're, with me, they're just offering me an aide de memoir. Anyway, so I was with my wife at the exhibition, and it was all, it was lovely. There was some incredible stuff. I would recommend it. There's the stuff, they kept saying, don't touch anything in this room. All right. It's not that good.

No. It looked very touchable. Do you know what I mean? You want to, oh, I just want to feel. And they said, no, no, don't touch it. They said at one point, the colour comes off on your hands. And I thought, that is such a way that you'd stop a child from touching something. It's like stopping kids weeing in the pool, isn't it?

Yeah. Do you know when they say, like, go purple? Yeah. Does that, is that not true? It can't be true. Every pool would be purple. I thought that was an urban myth because you would hear, there were a lot of boys that would lie about that when I was younger.

and obviously it happened to them, that an alarm went off and a whole water change colour. But how come none of us have ever experienced this? I've never weighed in a public pool. No, but we would have witnessed others, is what I'm saying, over the years. No, that is true. But when did the purple dye thing?

When was that introduced? I would say that was a peak late 70s myth it started and continued. Is it still, do young people still talk about it now? I mean, I'm not young anymore. But Brennan knows it. Well, that's true. Yeah, so that would be like mid-90s, at least.

Mid-90s. I just patting myself on the bat for getting the name. I found it very awkward when you said Brennan in this incredibly self-conscious way. It was like you were presenting one of those shows like The Time and The Place where they've got to speak to people in the audience and try and remember their name. It was like, remember on the X factor and they'd say, Andrew. And this guy would appear, I'd sing a song. It's coming back, isn't it, the X-Factor?

Oh, it's not. I think it is, yeah. Is it okay to come back? Oh, they changed it, didn't then? They made it more benign because it was very cruel. Well, they were all very cruel at the beginning, but thank God society has sorted them out. Anyway, I met Anna Karais at the Anish Kapoor.

Does that mean anything to you? Is that the woman that was running around the country in a jumpsuit? Very good. Well done you. Thank you. It was on Challenge TV. when I was a, so it was a rerun. Well, it was called Challenge Anica.

Oh, okay. She was on Treasure Hunt and then Challenge Anica. Yeah, she was, they'd say things like, build a psychiatric hospital by Thursday. Is that true? And I open it with the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra playing in the... She'd have to do it. And she'd have to just phone around.

She had a lot of contacts. Oh, I thought, my understanding of Challenge Anica was she was just trying, because this was before like Tom Toms and Google Mac. I thought she was just trying to get to like Plymouth. Just finding. Yeah, that's what I thought it was. Treasure Hunt was a bit more like that.

So you might have seen Treasure Hunt, which was trying to find these clues. It was just looking at the board at Houston. Oh, then I'll do it. Canceled, cancelled, cancelled. Yeah, not a great. Cancel, cancel, cancelled. We didn't know there.

Sorry. How was Anna Carice? Anna Carice was great. I spent some time at Skibeau Castle with Anika Rice in the old days. Where Madonna? Got married to Guy Ritchie? I've heard of her. Yeah, me and Anika shared a golf cart with Koo Stark,

who was, I think Prince Andrew's girlfriend. She briefly dated him and then, unfortunately, because she'd appeared in a soft porn film, it was too scandalous. Because imagine Andrew being associated with scandal. Meanwhile, Andrew was living in a soft porn film and they thought it was all right. Yeah, poor Koo.

dark. I always remember I brushed her hair with a Victorian hairbrush and two months later, she was pregnant. Oh, thank. So anyway, so we said to Anna Carice, what did you think of the exhibition? And she said, it was very feconde, wasn't it? And I said, can I say, you've absolutely made my night. the fact that Anna Karais has just said, Fekon, I said, has absolutely made it for me. What is Fakhund? Well, exactly.

It means, well, it's interesting, because she said, I'm not really sure what it means, but I think it means sort of, very sort of, like, slimy, and I was thinking, it doesn't, but, you know, I did that thing, you know, when you ease people that teachers do,

I said, yeah, but more about, I think, for conned, as in, Fur to... I thought fertility. Yeah, that's what it is. Oh, is it? But I got her there. Oh, did you, Frank?

What, you got her to fertility? I got her to fertility. All I needed was the Victorian hair, which I happened to have in my back. Frank, stop going on about that. No, she was very... I didn't know. She's an artist now. Is she?

Yeah. But is she? No, I think quite as successful. Oh, really? Yeah. Okay, I want to know how you got her there. That's clever that you did that. Without saying, I don't think that word means what you think it means.

Well, when I was the teachers, pet on my speed awareness course. They were very excited that I was on a speed awareness course, Fred. And he did it through Zoom and he was like the big star. They put me in the middle square, like on Celebrity Square. Did you put full suit on so they knew? No, I didn't.

I was trying to keep a low profile. He was really happy. Which was advised to me by Cozimoda, who always kept one. Anyway, they, I would, they'd say, So, Frank, what speed would you say would be the maximum speed on this road? And I'd say, I think 70 and he'd go, yeah, it's a good guess. It's a really good guess.

I mean, not. Like Roy Walker. It isn't 70, but it's really, I mean, it's almost, and it just gradually lead me into 60. And then he'd say, well done, Frank. It was very nice. So it was a bit like that. But it was feconde. I'm not a big user of big words.

I think the words that we've got. Don't let the north down. Yeah, I just think that sometimes people do it to show off. We've only got you on because Andy Burnham said we had to get someone from the Manchester area. You have to have a Mancuny in it. Yeah, he's got good on him.

Yeah. Did you know this, by the way? This is my favourite fact about this whole Andy Burr, I'm not into politics, but this new number 10. You're not into art. You're not into politics. What the fuck are you into? Just people get in my name, right.

Okay. The new number 10 is so novel. It's above a slug and lettuce. Is it? Is it? He's overdone. He's overdone. He's overdone.

They didn't put the slug and lettuce in on purpose. They didn't go, right, just to make it more northern, we'll put a slug and lettuce underneath. No, it was there. It was already there. No, he's gone. Don't overstate the case. The last pope, who I loved, had a habit of San Francisco. I don't want a Popemobile.

I'll have a bottled green, G registration, Hillman, Imp. And you think you're overdoing it. Yeah. As Nasty Nigel once said to Darius, you've over-egged the pudding. Yes. What a reference. Oh, I love a Big Brother reference. That's more my era.

Someone tell me the current series of Big Brother is the best one ever. I've been hearing this. I think we might have to start watching it. Nasty Nigel, by the way, was on Pop Stars, The Rivals. Was it? Yes. Nasty Nick, you're thinking of. was on Big Brother.

Oh, you're Nigel Lithgow. That's the one. See, Nasty Nick. Was on Big Brother. And then he used to be on, and this shows me up for my age and my demeanour as a teenager, he used to be on the 10-minute free view of the adult channel

going, you should watch it. Really? Yeah. Why did he accept that? There was men on the adult channel. So he was more the spokesman for the 10-minute free view. They need a spokesman. It was like he was one of the lasty man.

I mean, it's the most. Just when you thought the adult channel couldn't get more sexist They decided they needed a man to come in and explain Sorry ladies, I think this is a job for me It's a bit technical, it involves timings and dates and durations Wow So what did the matter, what did Nasty Nigel? I mean Nasty Nigel do, did he come on and say hi fellas?

So he got a big night for you tonight. Guys it used to be, hi guys. So not Nigel Lifco. Oh no. Nasty Nick. What did Nasty Nick say? So he'd be like, come on, boys. Oh, he would. Yeah.

Pay a tenor. This was after Big Brother, yeah. But it was after the initial wave of Big Brother. It was the Ebb. Yeah, I'd say this was he was trying to get the last few coins. So he would say, come on guys, pay a tenor? Yeah. Oh, Nick.

But I didn't know. I'd have to go through him when Dad. They could have said that. The women could have said that themselves. Well, they were. you defending our rights, but that's one right I'm happy not to have. I mean, he'd sort of get in the way of it. The celebrity endorsement and the celebrity endorsement.

Nasty Nick. Oh, God. I'd love a few campaign for that. The women's rights. Come on, lads. It's only a tenor. I've never felt more patronised. Imagine that's poor women.

I've been to make some room for nasty Nick to come in and encourage. people. It'd be better than like Bubble or Alison Hammond popping up. Also, why would nasty Nick? I don't think if him was a particularly arousing character. I think it was... Why would he get you in the room? You could believe, though, that

he would be a champion of the adult channel. Oh, I see. He's the punter. He's the ultimate punter. Yeah. And it was about being a bit naughty, being a bit... Yeah, nasty. Yeah. Yeah, you couldn't have like some Mr. Nice Guy character coming on and saying, you know, what's the...

You couldn't have Titchmarsh or anyone of that. Attenborough. No, not. No, not Attenborough. Come on, guys. Pay a tenor. Although he did do the Blue Planet. I assume it was a porn film.

There must have been a porn film called the Blue Planet. A sci-fi porn film. As long as there weren't animals. I don't like that. Oh, man. The Blue Planet. Can you imagine how disappointed, family putting that on. Yeah.

With him narrating it as well, is the going at it? That'd be lovely. I remember Channel 4 had this thing called, it was called something like censored, and it was programs that have been censored and not been allowed. Of course, we were all very excited when we knew this was coming out. So I was sitting on my own at night with some anticipation, and there was a documentary about the minor strike.

Did they start going, you can leave your head on? You can leave your hat on. the one with a light on. Actually, Margaret's actually were saying, don't bother leaving your hat on. She's not going to do it anymore. That was Arthur Scargill singing that. Did they have a red triangle?

That wasn't a hat. That was his hair. Great combovers of our time. Oh, that was. We were talking about great comovers and you don't see them. A couple of our readers did get in touch to say, what about Trump?

We missed the biggest. Is that a combover? I wouldn't, would you describe it, Brennan, as a combover? Well, the thing that confuses me about his air, is that you can't tell which way it's brushed. Like it's sort of brushed every which way. No, exactly.

It's not. I think it's intentional misdirection, which is clever to slightly disguise perhaps failing hair. I do get nostalgic about that because when Trump first appeared as the president, the most ridiculous, unbelievable thing about him was his hair. And now I don't even notice.

He's said and done so much. His hair seems absolutely run of the mill. It's the truest thing about him, isn't it? It is, yeah. I mean, as soon as you get to there, eating the cats and dogs, you're not really worrying about the hair, going in seven directions. Eating the kids.

Have you seen what young men do now? I haven't. Instead of the cold-over... Come on, lads. Have you seen what young men do now? I haven't... No, I start after nasty nick, I thought I can't watch this anymore.

Instead of, like, if people can't afford to go to Turkey, to get their air put back on. They have a transplant. They have a thing now called the, it's a hair system. Yes, I've seen this. So they shave the front bit and then they basically stick a high quality

murkin on your head. Okay, so it's actually a wig. It's not planted. Yes, I've seen this for a wig. But it's like a year long wig. It'll last you a year, yeah. Oh, I see. It's what our Agassi used to wear, didn't he?

Is it? Yeah, I believe so. And then you get it cut to match your own head. Right. But it stays. When you said a year long, it doesn't dissolve. No, no, not like a stag do you's shorts. Do you know, like when they go in and it all fall off?

No, I didn't know that. You haven't seen that? No, tell us about that. Saddew shorts? I don't, like, it's meant to be a stag do prank. Stagdews really aren't my thing. But there's a pair of shorts that you can give to a stag or anyone. And then when they go in the water, they dissolve.

Oh. I'd love to give someone that. That's a fabulous idea. But I think. Johnny Wilkinson got through. You'd know, though, wouldn't, like, if the rest of the stag do were going and get your shorts on, you wouldn't go in the pool. It depends how drunk you were. You'd be suspicious.

Very true. I'd certainly watch that on the adult channel. That would be my specialist interest channel. You could be the nasty. I'd be nasty M. Introducing a series of men in the dissolvable shorts. Actually, nasty doesn't work. You need the...

Evil M. Yeah, evil M I could do. Elocunt M. Oh. X-rated M. If you're spelling it wrong. If you said for conned on the adult channel, people had jumped to the wrong. What are called on the adult?

They look for conned to their credit. Okay. Okay. Okay. I know, but stop it. Come on. We've got a visitor here today. Okay.

Are we going to go to the outsidey worldy people? Yes, we can. We've had various people getting in touch. with us. We were talking recently, Brennan, about punning chip shot names. Oh, no, let's not talk about where. But we had talked about it. Do you, okay, we won't discuss it. I look back on it. It's a bit like misheard lyrics. Well, I think you're judging before we've got to the content, but that's fine. We can leave it.

I'm worried it's a bit local, right, yeah. Okay, fine. Are you talking about when places are like Wendy's place, but spell wrong? What they're doing is they're confused by some titles. They're not saying these are funny. Go on. Okay. I'm very nervous about reading this now. Please don't shout at me. I'm trusting it. Okay. Please don't shout. And you spent in my... We discussed the pod father. Can you unclench your fists, please? Yeah, that's what they said to nasty dick. Benedict from Bourneville. Oh yeah. That lured me in a bit. I thought the content will be slightly superior. What I'd like to know is, do they... Is it still a pub...

Free Zone. Bourneville. Bornville is a part of Birmingham where the Cadbury's factory was. Oh, they're Quakers, right? They were Quakers and they wouldn't allow alcohol in there. So they didn't, even when I was living there, there wasn't a pub in Bourneville. But I just wondered if, like all other moral codes, that one has broken down. I bet there's a pound stretcher.

I bet there's a sports direct. I bet you that rule is dissolve like a stagged dude. Oh, I never liked a Bourneville. That was such a dad's chocolate. One of these, this is confused, Benedict, is what I'm saying. These attempts at puns. Yes. One is the cut father.

Because you obviously get the dog, a lot of these puns are based on the godfather, the godfather, etc. And Benedict says one is the cut father. It's a, no one is the barbers. Yes, it's a barbers in Nottingham. Yeah. And the other is the dough father. I thought it was a, you said it was a chip, fish and chip shop.

No, the original... It's just that in the West Midlands, we call the canal the cot. And I thought it was the cot father because there were fish that had been caught in the canal. Ooh, you don't want that. No. No, you really don't. We're talking about the codfather is the fish and chip shop. But what Benedict's point is is that people seem to be using this and it's nonsensical.

I assume that's what you're saying. The cut father is a barbershop. The dough father is a pizza shop in small. Heath in Birmingham. Yes. How have they, Frank, linguistically got there? You cannot just put the word father at the end of your activity. Now, there's supposed to be like a bit of a right.

I mean, card and guard, you can see that, can you? Although Benedict points out, although, funnily enough, Frank could be the podfather. That would work rather well. Yeah, that's cool. So I'm going to let him have prodfather. Oh, do you think it's lovely, though? Wow, that's gone bigger than I thought. There's people on building sites all over Britain listening to this saying,

well, I could be the hard father. Yeah. But I think cut father and dough father, we can't have that. No, they're not good enough. Well, it's not a pun, is it? You've just got it wrong. What it is. I love how harsh you are.

I hate you when a puns are, because puns are quite easy to do. Frank loves puns. If you're going to immortalise one on a shop sign, you've got to get that right. I've always said mansplaining is rubbish as a term. Yeah. Because it ought to be, it ought to be, come from the same route as X-splane. It should sound like X. Yeah.

It's like the same, I think people put man on quite a lot, like man spreading. You're like, I know it's not pun, but you go, like, I know it's to do with your balls and. I love hearing you both explain this to me. Exactly. Sorry, do you want us to go a bit more into detail about this? No, I couldn't agree more about mansplaining. It's not quite right, is it? It's not the flag you want to why for feminism.

We've come up with our own word, yeah. It's not quite right. It's shit. No, I know. You should have asked nasty Nick. Do you want to know one of my favourites I've seen in my local area? Go on. And it's a tanning shop, tanning salon, called Tanzin Air.

But it's spelled tans in ear. That is good. It's good, isn't it? Like Toys Ross? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Brilliant. That is good. See, he likes sand.

And it says what it does. Yeah, that's clever. You know where you stand with that? No, do-father. Yeah, it sounds like you're off to get a circumcision. Oh, no. You're not into them? Well, I mean, I'm not knocking them.

Don't get me wrong if anyone's listening. If anyone's listening. They're great. I mean, you know. They're great. It's too late. It's too late for me. Yeah, I've got a stag.

I was given a stagged. do foreskin, which dissolved when I was 35. Frank. What a prank. I know, exactly. Please. Oh, man. I feel like we're in the...

Better than surgery. That's my motto. Can you keep this conversation for the slug and less is? She means the north. Yeah, she does. She absolutely does. I absolutely do. Now, I don't mean that.

Well, he's from how far are you, how close, to you from where Brennan lives. Brennan's another... 200 miles? No, no, no, no. But he's getting on for 100 miles up the M6, I would say. I'd say so, yeah. Yeah.

Okay. I do like Manchester, though. Don't get me wrong. It's great. Well, you've got to now. I have to leave. Now the place is completely taken over Great Britain. Frank says we've been Manchester.

Why? Well, he did say... Because... He said it shortly after Oasis in the football. Andy Burnham was made Manchester our mecca, really. And he keeps on about it and has forgotten that the second biggest city in Britain is Birmingham, which he's completely ignored.

But, and I might regret saying this. Go on. Thank God I'm not on Twitter or X anymore. But as someone who's lived in Manchester and Birmingham, are you going to be ex-plining? Oh, that's a good one. Explaining is great. Explaining still.

I love it. But that does make sense, you see. I think Birmingham would struggle to get in third. What? I just don't. I'm sorry. I'm talking about official population figures. I'm not talking about my opinion.

But that's like when places say I'm a city because I've got a cathedral. No, it's nothing like that. Oh, God. The second biggest city in Birmingham. In Birmingham, in England is Birmingham. Is it now, though? Yes. And this isn't me being like professionally, man.

I love Manchester, but it is the most built-on-city in Europe. Well, ask yourself why. That's what they do with graveyards nowadays. Fair play. It's gone a bit question time. I wouldn't say this week it was a great symbol of honesty and fair play. No, and I'm in Manchester City. I'm really sad about this.

Oh, my goodness. I'm glad that sort of, I was so stiff with stress when that conversation was going on. I think that's a fine. Do you? You keep out of it. I don't any southerness sticking in there. We'll sort this out between ourselves. I absolutely kept out of it.

We're going to get our dogs to fight it. That's because you're sitting there thinking you can fight over the scraps from the table, but we know where the table is. You're not wrong, Frank. I was thinking that. No, fair enough. I found the argument adorable. I think I've just been woman splen.

Oh man. Oh dear. Would you like to hear some more outside world? Yes. Okay. We were talking recently about... Rees. The battering...

Oh, lovely. Nice. I'd read that autobiography. You wouldn't. I would. It's short. It's something in Edinburgh show title. What can we call your autobiography?

Frank is so good at things like that. He helped me come up with my memoir. Have you done an autobiography? No. Okay. I'm only 39. and not enough things have happened. And also, my mum would buy it, that's it.

No, but if Edinburgh shows and stuff, or just shows in general, do you have punning titles? I don't really, but lots of people come up and say things like, you could do like, Reese is the word, Reese's pieces. Oh, yeah. Oh, I see. The Reese Financial Crisis. I don't get that.

Greece? Oh, no. No, but not anymore. They're back on their feet now, aren't they? Yeah, I think they're sorted now. Oh, you can't use that anymore. Ancient Reese. Ancient Reese.

If you're doing your own material. That's every year. Come on, outside world. Okay, we were just taking a little pause to discuss your memoirs. Little pause. You're obsessed. Oh, I really am.

And the fact that Reese has got a dog, I'm all over him now. I've got a dog. And have you noticed, I've started calling him Reese because of you? Oh, gosh. I just called him Reese, Frank. It sounds more natural with you,

addressing people by their son. We talked about Birmingham and Manchester. It'll be Skinner and Rees now for the rest of the thing. That's it. Like we've gone up as a sort of, we've tried to get unionised and gone up from the factory to meet the woman who owns it. I'm talking to you like you're my butler. Reese, could you please?

Father, the men, they're coming up the drive. I'm sorry. Stop. I'm so not like that. Led by nasty Nick. Come on, one more outside world. Rudy. Rudy.

Do you know it? Do you know it? Nope. Okay. I know a message to you, Rudy. Yeah. A message to you, Rudy. It's based on an old reggae song, Scar song,

called Rudy got married. Is that right? In a port. I'm going to do the accent. God help me. I'll try not to. at the accent, in a pork pie hat. Rudy got married.

You got through that with a certain amount. Certain amount of straining, but you got through it and well done you. One of my great losses is Eddie Grant songs. I used to really like. Electric Avenue. Yeah, and all that. You just can't. I can't.

We can't do it, Frank. I'm afraid. Anyway, we've lost. We've gained a lot, but we've lost. Oh, Frank. Come on. on. Rudy has got in touch. We were talking about battering rams last week. This is the kind of content how we, in what context? You mean battering rams? Sounds like there was something that would

happen in a strained KFC. Battering rams. I say it like that. Battering rams. I say it like that. KFG, Kentucky fried goats. This is from the man who says, Star Wars. There's sheep, aren't there, male sheep. Yes. So it'd be. Battering rams. KFS. Yeah. It's a Welsh chain of. We've had Rudy, who seems to work in law enforcement, has got in touch as a result of us talking about battering rams. Yeah. And Rudy says they're actually called enforcers. What the actual battering ram is called an enforcer.

I don't like that. No, I don't. That is so sex toy. It's a bit nasty Nick on the chat adult child. It's a less than him sex toy. The enforcer too is better. Yeah, exactly. It plugs in.

The anal enforcer. You can imagine. I can see the packaging. Oh, Frank. That's my drag name. And nasty nit would throw it in free. Yeah. And some doors, says Rudy, are very difficult to knock down.

And doing it with a bunch of cops all watching and judging you for every failed attempt is absolutely awful. I have to say, Rudy, that does sound. I mean, I find, you know, we know when you're parking and you start to get an audience. So imagine doing the battering round. What, and everyone's watching you have a go at it? Well, all the other police are going, come on, Rudy. How many goes do you need it? I mean, that would be terrible.

On Go 3, you're hearing her, like, from one of them. And that's from inside, from the crims. Well, Rudy says, I was always... When the criminals are looking out the wind, they're going, and again, and again, again. Oh, no. A really bonding moment for the police and the criminals. Exactly, yeah, but not Rudy.

Yeah, he's the gooch between the two things. Rudy never comes back from that. Well, Rudy says I was always one of those judging the poor officer, trying and trying to get a door down. So it sounds like Rudy was a bit more critical of the officer. Oh, so it wasn't Rudy doing it? Well, I think Rudy might be more senior, perhaps. I thought Rudy was the enforcer father.

I'm not going to that shop. Trust me. Even if you are the ambassador for it, Reese. I think that was Fritzel's a nickname. Frank, you always take it that bit too far. Rudy also wanted to say Frank once saw someone carrying a samurai sword through London. It's the most dramatic thing that's ever happened to him and Kath. How were they carrying it, by the way?

No, no, it isn't actually. Was it like over the shoulder? By the time I saw him, the police had already got him, so they'd removed it from his hand. And Rudy just wants to say, actually, Frank, being called to someone allegedly carrying a samurai sword really, isn't an unusual call to receive in the centre of London. Is that right?

Quite a usual thing to happen. What? Where are they getting the samurai swords from? I hope it's not the same place as the enforcer. I'm guessing Japan. I think they get it from lonely men's front windows. Do you know when they've got them on the, like, katanas on, do you know when they have three of them in the window?

Oh, I can't bear that. You're thinking of docks. Yeah, that's, yeah. Do you know, I'm always getting those frequencies. Oh, mate, you'd have been rubbish in the samurai. He's the guy. that tried to lead the line with a duck in his hands. I think that could be quite, I'd be more,

if there was someone with a duck in their hand, wielding that, I think I'd be more terrified. Not a duck, but geese, they're ferocious. Well, the Chinese thought they can hack a duck to pieces. I've seen that as a starter. Frank. It's a Frank Skinner podcast. A new winter changed.

Just blowing. It's the Frank Skinner podcast. I'm not totally sure how it's going. Thanks for listening to the podcast. Make sure to like and follow so you never miss an episode. And if you want to get in touch, you can email the podcast via Frank Off the Radio at Avalonuk.com.