The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Off The Radio: Best Of - Part 1

Episode Date: February 6, 2026

Frank's not well this week so we have a Best Of episode for you to enjoy. The highlights include Frank's unconventional packed lunch, his surprise announcement that left the team emotional and winning a unexpected award at the The Golden Lobes. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

A is for asking. B is for beginning the conversation. C is for choosing which treatment is right for me. And Zedd is for Zepbound. Ask a doctor about Zepbound quickpen. Save at Zepbound.ca. Exclusions and exceptions may apply. It's Frank off the radio. It's the Frankskinner podcast, don't you know? So listen, it was either this or Panto.

I chose this. I've written, literally this morning, I've written an opening titles thing. And obviously it's subject to approval by you guys. Okay. You probably couldn't tell in that this is an oral thing, that subject to approval. I didn't know, is that kind of podcast?

Well, apparently we can do what we like. Yeah? But I'm too off of that stuff. Take it away. I mean that you might not have heard the inverted commas on subject to approval. Anyway, this is what I'm thinking, right? Oh, hold on.

Let's turn the paper over. So it goes, It's Frank off the radio, featuring him and that posh ladyo and the one with the French name who from South Africa came. They're all here, open brackets. Hooray.

Close brackets. Today. Oh, come on. Obviously, I'll do a slicker version for the next show. But that's... I definitely think you should keep the open and closed brackets. I think that's important. Yeah.

And I think any Jedi stuff is good to kick off any podcast. So look at this is it now. I'm told... there was an article in the Independent this week saying that Frank Skinner will find that being sacked by absolute radio was the best thing that ever happened to him. Really?

He obviously never met that barmaid in Wigan in 1987. Now that's what it... It's such a horrible way to start the podcast. No, I know. The trouble is you can think too much about how to start the podcast and then get anxious and think they've already switched off by now, you know.

So I came in on the boss, Yes. Today. As is you're right. Yeah. And a man got, because we don't get cars on the podcast, we're not like the golden age. I love the fact that you reveal all this information.

Well, I think, you know, get it out there. And a bloat walked past me and he put his hand on my shoulder and said, funny comedian. And I thought, I wonder if he's just walking around going, Old Age pensioner. man with very bad hair. I'm just doing that all day. He likes a man who looks to categorise.

But anyway, when I got off, I said, I'll see you. And he said, hey, don't get talking about me on the television. And I thought you are woefully out of television. Anyway, we not only went to Mass, we did something I never did. Catholic churches often have coffee after in the church hall. Oh, you never told me that, Frank. I might come along. A coffee morning.

Well, I don't go normally because she gets asked to do things. Yeah. Anyway, Omar said, well, I was going to grab a coffee anyway. And I thought, okay, we'll go. So I went in and I just sat and talked to the local Catholic villagers. And it was very nice. We sat around chatting. I had tea and a biscuit.

I didn't put anything in the cop. And then we've been. chatting for a bit. I was surrounded. Money saving expert. Yeah. I was there, Martin Lewis. You should put that in this. That's the sort of stuff Martin Lewis should come out with.

Martin Lewis in his suit on Good Morning Britain's saying, sneak into a church. Is that what it's called? Money saving experts. This week's guest, Kea Starmer. Just become Prime Minister. You can get spectacles, suits. Arsenal tickets. Taylor Swift.

A little trip there right from the top. Anyway, we were sitting. It was lovely, and I was enjoying. It was very warm-hearted, and I was surrounded by about six villagers, all chatting about their lives. Not with pitchforks. Yeah.

But with coffee cups. And then eventually, this woman said, anyway, this is all very well, but how are we going to get you back on television? Oh, the pined of it. God, I mean, if that isn't the plot of one of those awful British Council films. I mean, I don't know what they're doing about as we speak. That would be completely in the realm of like calendar girls.

Yeah, it would, wouldn't it? A hearty group of English Catholic villagers conspire together. With Hugh Grant. Hugh Grant playing the Fided Star. No, Hugh Grant these days would be the evil BBC commissioner. Oh, yeah. He's sort of preyed into the grave. He's changed lanes a bit, hasn't it?

Yes, he's a naughty. He's embracing his evil side. I'm here for it. It's much better, I think. It was always there, I thought. Just upset. Even in person. Frank, how did you deal with the, how are we going to get you back?

Well, what can you? How can you deal with the? I, uh, I just told me. Tip a chair. I overturned the trestle tables like, Jesus in the temple. This is I've got something else to tell you. What?

What? Is it a bigger story? Oh, was it that... Did it happen that night? Can you brace yourself? Okay. Oh, God. I mean, that was bad enough.

You'll never guess what I did on Monday. What? I got married. What? Anyway, um, what else you should read us letters? What? Don't be... What?

I got fucking married. What? I know. You did it. What? I know. Look, don't be offended, you. We didn't invite anyone.

Was it just you and care? Oh my God, this is such a lovely news. What do you think we are? Mormons. No, but did Basco? Yeah, Buzz was a witness. Oh my God, I feel like crying. This is a lovely news.

We're only allowed witnesses. We got married on the stairs, not in a room, but on the stairs at Camden Town. I'm actually crying. Oh, I'm so sorry. Sorry, but it's so lovely. I said to Kath, you know, were you marrying me? And she said, I'm not having a fucking party. I said, you don't know.

She said, I don't want a load of guests. And I'm not going in the church. I don't want to ring, not wearing a stupid fucking white dress. So it went on. I'm not doing this. And I said, oh, forget it. And then about too excited. That's a lovely proposal, sorry.

Too excited. I said, okay, we'll do it your way. Oh. And on the morning, we went for a walk. I'm crying. I'm sorry. I'm really happy. Yeah, that's what we're trying to avoid.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm joking. I'm joking. I felt bad for the friends. I would have invited everyone. Can I make that? Can we not have a party of some sort? That's what we can't have.

I might talk her into it. I'm working on it. Anyway, we went for a walk on the Heath on the morning. And she said, I said, why are we doing this? Why are you doing? She said, I don't know. Should we not do it?

I said, I don't know. Are we going to be? upset, aren't they? The witnesses. It's not a murder trial. We haven't told anyone else to be upset. And we actually, we did think, shall we not bother? I see... The thing that no one ever says about getting married is quite embarrassing.

Is it? Why? Well, he's got it all to come here. Oh, God, sorry. Now, let me refresh. He won't mind. Look, you know, how can I put it? It's a bit basic, getting married. Seems a bit obvious. But listen. Go on, what's basic about it?

Look, you're a young man setting out on a life. We've been together, you know, 20 odd years. You're a young man, all right, Cat Stevens. I can't. Cat's not going to wear a big white, fluffy dress. No. Anyway. Hang on, but I've told you before,

what about the white forgiving trousers suit and the angry stepchildren looking on? Lovely. Yeah, well, we had our child there. Yeah. I mean, I think you have to have. now to modern marriage. It's like something old, something new,

something boring, something blue on your children. Anyway, we entered up the stairs at, we walk up the stairs, me and Kath, and they said to Boss, just plug your phone in there and you can play the music. So we entered to

lie dream of a casino soul by the fall. But I have to Everyone at the registry thought, not this again, not this track again. No, but I've got to say, that sounds gimmicky. That sounds like getting married by Elvis in Vegas. But in fact, the four meant so much to me and Kath when we were, you know, in our early days. So it was actually quite an emotional thing.

What did Kath wear? Am I allowed to know? She just wore a flowery dress. She moaned about that. I said, you can't have leggings. I can't have leggings. I bet Cass had her lot with her rock sack Well Katz said to me

I said at least When she was stripping away All the things we couldn't have at the wedding I said can you at least wear She said I'm not changing my name I said to expect you to change your name That's fine I'm not saying obey

I said no I'll say a bow But she said But please a ring And ring such a she said No I'm not wearing her She said I don't wear jewellery Which is true

No she doesn't She said if I wear a ring I'll feel trapped. Yeah. I said, you'll be married. You're supposed to feel fucking trapped. Two women won an award for the funniest tangent

of the year. Yeah? Yes. And which I thought it's a really funny idea for a category when a subject usually changes. And we were up for that. And one of the women was Esther Manito. Yes.

Oh, yeah. And she got the award. It was lovely up there way. I wasn't, you know, I'd draw. rather we'd want it, but obviously... You know, we went by the stage and we clapped. We were right at the front of the stage and we clapped. And she said, I am so happy to beat Frank Skinner.

And I thought, oh. I thought that elder statesman status as... I think the sell-by dates hit. And it's turned to hatred. It's a... I think it was meant more in achievement. Well, I... I spoke to her after.

And she was very nice. And it was good. We had a selfie. But at the time, I did think, oh God, why am I here? All these young people think, get away from us. Jabba the heart of comedy. I was already feeling a bit like one of the Golden Girls walking into Coachella.

Everyone. And Pierre, it was quite nice seeing Pierre. He was a bit in his element because he's all his people. Did you feel that thing? They're definitely his people. Room full of nerds. Yeah. Well, I didn't want to say it, but lovely nerds.

A roomful of audio nerds. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Do you know what I felt Frank and I were like? You know that bit at the 18th birthday party? When the parents, there's an unspoken agreement, they'll come for 20 minutes, and then they'll make their excuses leave,

like a good news of the world reporter, so the vodkas and vapes can come out. That was us, Frank. Maybe we should have talked that. We stayed too long. No, people were excited that we were there. Frank got a lot of love. Well, you got more than a lot of love, Frank Skinner.

What did you get? Well, this is an interesting. point, I think. Because I, out of nowhere, we didn't win either at, we were nominated for Fonnie's podcast and Fonnie's tangent, didn't win it. But there was a thing where they said, right, we've got a special award.

And it's called the Loeb's Legend. And it's for a lifetime of service to comedy. This guy who started in the 90s and all. I thought, I want to do this. He sees us looking around. Did you really not know? No, because these things you're always told, right, in advance for lifetime achievement. So you can do your big speech, you know, your emotional speech.

So then he said, you know, and he was on the tell us. Then he had 15 years as a radio host, and I thought, no. And then he said, it's behind the microphone as an audio performer that he's really struck dulled. I thought, you haven't seen the pay. Frank, they've been down all. on everything. But anyway, so I went up and it was and it's the gold, first ever Loeb's legend,

up I went. And they gave me the award and I did a little speech, got a few lapses. You did a lovely speech. I can't remember what it was because obviously I didn't prepare anything. You said you were delighted to beat Esenomenito. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I remember what you said. What if I had? What if I'd been really furious and said, yeah, it'd be a fucking cold day in hell with Minito with me.

If you just jabbed every single table with your fingers saying, in your face. Really ungracious and strange. We'd done a TV show together as well, me and me and Esther. I know, but we have to move on. Okay. Listen, can I... Can I make it clear? It was all sorting.

She was lovely. I remembered something you did say. I remember that you said, I've got advice to you young people. don't die. Oh yeah. That was the advice you gave in terms of... Just keep going and eventually they'll start throwing awards at you. Yeah.

In the way that people, you know, threw flowers onto Princess Diana's coffee. Oh, Frank. It's such a weird comparison to make. Anyway, so it was nice. It was a complete surprise to me. I got up and a lot of people, including Esther, came over and said, you know, well done and had photos. Or Esther.

and all there, Esther. And it was nice. And I got home that night. Actually, Emily Dean kindly gave me a lift home, which is very exciting. I did, especially as when you came and sat down on the table. First thing you said to me and Pierre, well, I don't want to sit with you two losers anymore. Well, yeah.

But so I got home. My family were in, you know, in bed asleep. The dog, you know, when the dog's, you know, when the dog's, been sleeping for a bit. You get in, you put the lights on. The dog looks at your terrible squinty eyes. Like, oh, God. I thought, wasn't it?

I've been put to bed. It's going on. Is there a fire or something? It's put to bed. The Chilean miners coming out for the first time. Exactly. So I got in and I sat down and I thought, well, you know, Golden Loaks legend, all this.

It's nice. And then I thought, weird though, they didn't tell me before. And I thought also weird that the award that they actually handed me had best scripted written on him. Oh no. And I thought, it's also quite weird, it wasn't in the brochure that Loeb's legend. And then I thought, I've got this for fucking turning up. I've turned up.

I've turned up. And they've thought, oh, man. Frank Skinner's here. What? The shitty old golden, yes. Frank, that's so rude. We were excited when Minito turned off, but now Skinner's here.

We've got to give him someone. Why it's not even in the brochure? Fuck the brochure. Get an award. We don't have an award. Give us best scripted. He's not turning up. And I am absolutely 100%

that that's what's happened. Come on, look at me. The evidence. I'm no Poirot. So you think that they saw that you'd actually come and they went, shit. I'll tell you what happened, Frank. If they keep that award and do it next year,

can they change it to the Turning Up award? It did have the slight energy of, oh no, guess who's just dropped in on Christmas Eve? Go upstairs and wrap up an old pair of socks. Exactly. It was re-gifted. It was re-gifted. It was re-gifted.

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Where did you stay, Frank? Well. Oh. No, you asked me. I got to this place. I thought it was a hotel. But when I got there, I couldn't find the way eating. So I was walking around and then this blow.

appeared and said there isn't a front door. Oh, you idiot. You naive. I should have said that. The entrance is in your mind. It's a security measure. There's no front door. We had someone here last week trying to point the front door.

We had that Frank Skinner here. Man, he's living in the past. Looking for a front door. Buildings aren't forgetting in. Anyway, it was sort of. of like a motel, you know that set up, where the rooms all form a sort of semi-quad. A sort of psycho thing.

Yeah, but it was more English. Okay. I'll tell you what I particularly liked about it. My room, I was in number 22, and it had a farmhouse door. Oh. So, do you know what I mean by that? Yeah, with the top and bottom separate.

So when the man bought my breakfast on a tray in the morning, I would just open the top half. Little did he know. And then you could keep your dolls up. That sound he could hear of some flesh against wood. Frank. Well, it's irresistible with a farmhouse door. Who's feeding you like a horse?

Yeah, basically. You're sort of leaning out and here. Well, again, I was back to the prisoner thing. It's sort of passing it in through a hat. It is a bit strange ways, isn't it? I'll tell you what was terrible, though, is that... It's not sounding great. What I realized, no, the dig was great.

And it was nice, the B&B, but I realized that everyone was taking a pat launch and my route into the dig, I passed nowhere. So what I did. Could the man not pass something through the stable door? Well, I said to him, you know. Some grains? I said, he said, we don't do an evening meal.

I said, okay. He said there's some takeaway menus. So I found this fish and chips shop on the first night. Kept phoning it. He said no such number. I looked at it up with the clothes two years earlier. I don't know why, but this is really finding this so sweet. Kentish hospitality.

No front door, no food. Only the ghostly shell of the shop. And also, I hope the man said, his chintish hospitality. Oh, kill that typist. Anyway, so what I was doing, this was my Pat Longer. both days, I would take in jam on toast and quassons with jam on. I'd take them in and I hadn't got anything to put them in to stop them leaking out, the jam leaking.

Where did you put it? I found I had a poo bag in my back. Are you joking? I am not joking. It's all right when the toast is in, but if you eat the toast first, the feel of two small quasson in a poo bag. especially when they've warmed up in the sunshine. Are you sure? It's the way they're tapered at the end.

That's what really... The other archaeologist, no wonder you didn't get a partner, saying he's eating a bag of shit for lunch. He's a lunatic. He keeps ringing a chip shop that's shut down two years ago. He's locked on his mind. He got so angry that the chip shop was shot. He thought, right, well, then I shall live on shit.

What happened in this area? I was, we were talking, we were singing before this podcast began and we were singing the thong song. Which I don't remember much of it, but I do remember thong, thong, thong, thong. I also remember, let me see that thong. Oh, okay. That was all he asked. That was all he wanted.

Simple request. I had a bit of a short revelation about the whole nature of thonging. in that I went on holiday and I was all set on doing some sombathing. It was in the days when I tried to join in with the beach holiday thing. Oh, yeah. Which I've now realised it's an idiot's pastime. But it was something I thought,

maybe I should try and give it a go. And the woman I was going out, we'd like to get a tan. And I think it was sort of pre-fake tan. So it's when if you're sort of. awesome with a tan, you'd say, oh, have you been away? Which, if you said that now, no, I went to that shop.

On the road. Anyway, so I bought a thong to wear. You know, because I thought, I might as well get everything as tanned as I can. I don't want to lie naked, but I might as well get my buttocks. Sorry, you bought a thong

for you. Yeah, you can get men's songs. Bank Skinner. Yeah. There's a famous picture of Peter's Stringfam. The owner of, well, stringfellow, turned out to be a string fellow. Now you're really selling thongs to me. Anyway, so I just, I went.

I forget where it was. Marks and Spencer? Their range of woolen men's thongs? What colour was the thong? It was black. Oh, it's so sleazy. What colour would have been all right? At least white.

It feels a bit. White is a risky. Would have been the most rash. A white towel I see as a threat. Oh, I don't know. Black is a bit of a... And that's after I've washed. A black thong.

Who do you think, you're on, Ronaldo? A white thong. I might as well carry shit on a plate ahead of me. Anyway, so I was playing... I was playing cricket. it post holiday I got home

and I was getting dressed and suddenly the whole dresser it was probably arguably the best laugh I've ever got and I couldn't work out and it was the tan line of my thong and your thong-so-thong-thong-thong

She had a kind of sexy lady's thin stringed tan line but it's the first time it had ever occurred to it was any stigma about the thong at all And it came, like, there was no stigma. No one had said anything on the beach or anything. A lot of them didn't speak English, I suppose.

They might have been saying it. But so I had no idea. I bet they were. I think they were saying, why didn't he go for a nice white? Much more. Because it's not blanko. Exactly. Is he afraid of shit?

So, I knew nothing about the stigma. And then I knew everything in like 12 voices all raised together in derision. Did you feel all liberated and freer with me? No, because if someone laughs at your thong, then the next day you just don't wear a thong. Someone laughs at your thonged tan line. You're sore to stop with it. You have to go get some felt tips and line them up in the mirror next to your flesh and they're trying to figure out which one. Would me?

You didn't, when you had, during your thong era, yeah. Did you ever have the thong intentionally raised above the waistband? Which I seemed to recall, do you remember? That was a sort of look. When I wore, I only wore it to some base. When I put trousers on, I went back to a normal one. What's happened to the thong then?

Where is it now? The museum on the Isle of Wight, isn't it? No, I use it for shaving. I used it as, I've fitted it to a board and I used it to. Got cheese. Oh, man. Oh, I tell you what I saw in a charity shop. What about this for a novelty item?

What? I saw a set of four Line of Duty pencils. What? I want those. I want to get my hands on those? No, I don't know. All the ins and outs. I watched the first series of Line of Duty.

Did you like it? It was brilliant, but it disturbed me in many ways. There's quite violent, dead bodies and all that. I don't need that. I might as I watch the fucking joker. So line of duty pencil, they were advertised as that for line of duty pencil. Were they in a pencil case or a case? No, they were in an elastic band.

If there had been a display case, that had been lost in transit. Okay. But one of them said line of duty, bit root one. I thought for the line duty. What did the other one say? Mother of God? Okay. AC12.

Yes, AC12. Anti-corruption. Yeah, and the other one said Knicking Bent Coppers. Yeah, that's what AC12 do. Okay. And so that's the anti-corruption Department of the Police.

That's what they do, the investigate corrupt police officers. Yeah. Okay. I quite, can I be honest? I actually quite like the sound of these pencils and I wish you'd bought them for me. Well, it was in Cheltenham, so they might have gone.

Of course it was in Cheltenham. But it's all right if you're writing, you've got Lion of Duty, but you'll think you're a Lion of Duty fan. But if you've just got like Mother of God on your pencil, what's people going to think then? I just think you're an enthusiastic Marion. You sat next to the Virgin Mary in school. You probably did.

But what an interesting piece of merch. What an interesting thing to be bothered to go and give to a shop? Just four pencils Well of course I've got lots of errands to run today Obviously in the case God these four pencils are really Clottering up the place Why this you absolutely

I can't move for these bloody pencils I said get him up the charity shop Why wouldn't you just the display case Who am I the fucking display case Here Here get that off the broccoli Why wouldn't you just hang on to the pencils And think oh I'll use these

Use them where that's what happens with pencils they get shorter and then they disappear. Anyway. Weird. I mean, I don't know. Would they have been some sort of celebratory thing given out at an after show to a member of the cast? Possibly.

Possibly they could have been production merch. I mean, they were like four quid. Four? Yeah. Pound of pencil. It's a bit much. Yeah. Oh, that's pricey, isn't it?

It's pricey given that their provenance will slowly be erased, as you used them. Yeah, well, literally. Yeah. But, you know, you're helping. We don't know their prominence. You're helping the poor children. Don't say that in that way.

Don't forget that. That is one of the things. Yeah, that's true. But we don't know that they would, that they're genuine bona fidee merchandise either. Someone could have just decided to have those printed on pencils. Weird, isn't it? I hadn't thought of that, I must admit.

I like the idea of someone in. to help them with a series of incredibly long-winded scams. Here's the fix. Right line of duty on a lot of pencils. Well, I wrote down the things that were on them, but I didn't use one of the pencils. Can I met that thing? They weren't mine.

Meanwhile, back in Michael's pool house. There's only one bedroom at the pool house. Oh, that's what they tell you. That's how they get you. And there is another room with the sofa bed in it. nice sofa bed. But I'm going to be absolutely straight with, you know, we started off with Kath and Boz and the dog sleeping in the bedroom and me in the main room on the sofa bed. I got a bit anxious that I might see George Michael's ghost. Did you? I did. I actually did. I would feel a bit

like that. Yeah. And I thought, oh. But you've got to have faith. Yes, you have got to have faith. But, yeah, so I was anxious. In the end, I slept in the bedroom. I thought you'd gone into Elton John's folly. But I slept on. He wouldn't dare haunt me in here. It's the only place you're safe from George Michael's ghost.

So, you know my thing with God, I've got issues with the dead. I've never understood why you, but you don't believe in ghosts. What was your child? Well, I don't, in daylight. What was your childhood birthday wish? That I, it was, every time I had a wish, it was that I would never see here or have anything to do with a ghost. And I can't be certain that that has still lasted.

No. Because George, of all the things, did never wish it well in the garden. Anyway, so I ended up sleeping on a yoga mat on the floor of the bedroom. Okay. And you know what, it's all right. I slept pretty well on it. Yeah. Which has made me wonder if the whole mattress thing...

Oh, bed thing. It's been talked off. You know how people used to think that the only people who could run marathons were these super human beings. Yeah. And then now, like, it's an 84-year-old woman dressed as Biffel the beer. Yeah. Yeah.

I think it might be like that. I think there's no need. Can I just say how delighted I am that our podcast has its first conspiracy theory? Because that is what really drives online engagement. We're all in the pocket of big bed. We are there. We are. Yeah, memory foam.

Yeah. You look at memory yoga mats. It was fine on the yoga mat. If you want to be tucked up sheeple in your little beds. You know, sometimes people do talk stuff up so they can make a living out of it. You know, we thought. But when you say talk to. We talk stuff up. We're talking about beds, Frank.

Yeah, we don't need mattresses. What, you're saying beds are a rip-off? I'm saying we've been led to believe we need beds and we don't. This is like one of those spam things where I would see on like, you know, the independent newspaper website, there'd be a little spam advert for someone to click and it would be Frank Skinner be you Photoshop pointing at a bed. And the caption would be, you'll never believe the truth about beds. It's a Frank Skinner podcast.

A new winter change is blowing It's the Frank Skinner podcast I'm not totally sure how it's going Thanks for listening to the podcast Make sure to like and follow So you never miss an episode And if you want to get in touch You can email the podcast via Frank off the radio

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