The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Radio Days: Buckle Up

Episode Date: June 10, 2026

Frank, Alun and Emily are in 2014. Frank sends a dodgy text to his niece and has a "parental rite of passage." Emily has a tumble down the stairs. And Alun is… in the attic? Maybe with his trousers down. Who knows? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

I want to ask you something. No, I don't want to alienate you, Emily, but this is something to do with gentlemen's conveniences. Won't be alienating moi. Okay. No, I don't want to introduce toilet humour of any kind on breakfast radio. So let's keep it clean. But there is something which is confusing me of like,

I'm looking to you, Alex. I need some extra. research. I'm finding this. I think I can say urinal on absolute radio. Is it all right, Daisy? Yeah. I think we can. When at the urinal, it sounds at the beginning of a fabulous poem, but isn't... I've noticed now that people around me using the facility, men, obviously. I thought you're talking like a policeman. Yeah, people. Yeah. I was proceeding down the road in a northerly direct... but I've noticed lots of unbuckling going on. Right.

So blokes get to the urinal, and then it's all completely unbuckling and opening. When you say unbuckling, which, FY, is absolutely disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. We'll get on to that. Why? Oh, go on. Clanking around, like, Jacob Marley.

Who wants that? You're right. When you say unbuckling. Jacob Marley from Christmas Carol. A ghost in the chains. Oh, okay, right. Um, who's dead as a door now, that's what this isn't. He basically, do the trousers go onto the ground?

No, no, not onto the ground. Do they take the pants off as well? No, the trousers just hang, hang there, like some sort of... How are they getting purchased? Like a terrible nest. Some gentleman would hold the undone, unbuckled trouser and their gentleman, excuse me. But why are they unbuckling? What happened?

You know, why to hit the roof off if you can get out the front door? That's a good point. That's a good point. That's what flyholes are for. You just stand and you one zip and that's it. When did it start the unboggling? What's it about? Is it a skinny jeans thing, do you think?

Oh, Alan. They're so skinny that they have to give themselves an actual bit of breathing space. And of course, the skinny gene won't fall down. Exactly. You could just go hands free with the skinny gene. Skinny gene won't fall down. It's a Michael Jackson track that didn't actually make. the album.

I thought it was a Kevin Kossner film. I really feel for men in your eyes, though. Me too. No, I think there's something so primitive and barbaric about men having to do that. Against a war. You're right. We get privacy. And I want privacy, please, in that situation.

It's like medieval. Why do you have to get into this strange competition as well? It's horrible. Can I ask your question? You can, but I may not answer it. Okay. If you know someone, this is what makes me ill in the urinal. Let's say you and Alan in a track in a minute.

You both need to go. Yeah. There's a urinal. Do you make, what do you say to each other? All right, mate. Well, actually. Is that what you say? Well.

I have occasionally been to the bathroom simultaneously in absolute. And he leaves the full door open. It's not urinal system here. It's kind of cubicles. Full door open. I've got nothing. I've got nothing to be ashamed of. Well, I shut it across because,

I'm not just an unbuckler, I'm a full trouser dropper. No. No. No. No. You're right by the ankles. No. No.

You know what I'm looking. We're barely... I said we took this clean, but we're barely holding on by our finger out. I haven't even got to my next problem. And relax. That I, uh, unbuckle and fully drop the trousers. That's very dependent on, like, what I'm wearing. I wouldn't do that if I had my white tucks on.

I'd go... I'd probably hold... about fire level. Anyway. I think if someone unbuckles in your eye, I think there should be a panic button. You can hit. Yeah.

I think a panic button should be in every public toilet. I'm so frightened at public toilets anyway, apart from the intimidation element, of just the hygiene thing. We've been so taught now that we can... Oh, God, I don't touch it. Sometimes I'll go... Don't shut the door.

I have gone to a public toilet, done the full sitting-down thing, and done the whole thing with a pair of disposable chopsticks. because I haven't touched anything with my hands at all, that everything's been on board. I'm so worried. You know, I get those press flushes now, like you've got here where you press.

I use my knuckle, like my fist. I sort of punch it. Like you're bumping fists with someone. Yeah. No. I'd probably be a really brilliant fighter now, because I've got like poison, it's that poison arrows, my knuckles.

I hit someone. They'll get some horrible illness. I've got from dozens and dozens of cisterns. You know what you could do instead? It's just, uh, when you fill, up the car with fuel, get some of those plastic gloves that you sometimes see in service stations. No, but you can't. You can't be seen... You can't be seen... You can't be seen... disappearing into a cubicle in rubber gloves.

Do you think not? No, I think I'm doing some sort of... I've got some sort of illegal business going on. Certainly not. I'm not sure if that's what they'll think, but anyway. No. We have heard from the outside world with a few people suggesting that it is the bottom fly that is the problem there. But why is that a problem? What are the, in 1985? People can't be bothered. They unbuckle for ease of access,

and then you can pull all the buttons off. Well, I think it's... I've got another theory. My experience, let's call it, tells me that the men these days often favour a brief. Oh. Is that right? Over the boxer.

I've been left behind. Are you dating a lot of sportsmen? Because I think I've... may have mentioned on this show before that in everyday life I favour a boxer short, but for sporting activities I prefer to be held. So maybe they're just coming straight from fibre side or something. Is that why they've got the bridge on? I don't want to go into too much detail, but it's still quite easy to do that all through the,

you know, it's a sort of keyhole surgery approach. It's still quite straightforward. And even the bottom flight, I've used the bottom fly without even on buttoning. Where there's a will, there's a way. Do you ever use the cubicle then in the men? I don't understand the setup. What is the setup in there? There's urinals and then one cubicle for someone who's shy.

No, I told them. We don't want to let you in on too much of the mystery. No, I'd like to know. Women's toilets, I've always imagined there's a lovely trestle table with our made cakes. It's like Great British Bake-off in there. Lots of gingham, I imagine, in a woman's toilets. And people, you know, talking in a lovely way. We talk lots.

We have little lamies on a string. Yeah. It's so, the atmosphere, everyone's so polite. But I do imagine it's a much lovelier place. Oh, it's lovely. You come out and if it doesn't flush, they say, I'm so sorry it's not working properly in there, because you want them to know it's not you. Oh, you see, men don't know. Don't communicate?

No. It's not a place you have much conversation. No. Maybe we should move on, but I'm still intrigued by the Bockeling, if anyone has got any other theories on it. The bottom fly is not, to me, I mean, how common is it? The bottom fly. That's when he's statistics. What is the zip button breakdown? Apart from a great name for a band. Wouldn't that be brilliant?

Yeah, I saw the old ZB last night. ZBB, they'd call them, wouldn't they? Zip bottom breakdown. Fantastic. Their new album. Everyone says I'm really fly for a white guy. Rubbish. Speaking of bottoms and phones in close proximity, you know, bomb dialing when you accidentally...

Is that what it's called? I think that's what it's called, isn't it? I've never heard it been called bond dialing. Yes, I've tried it's called a variation of that. You know, when your phone ring... A handbag call. Do you? It depends what you keep your phone, Alan.

I think since you've been acting, maybe it is a handbag call. A lot of handbag calls. Dick Emery Handbag. Exactly. Something from me, I mean, to me, I just assume that it's... You know, you get a call and you answer, and you hear, and you get a message, I've had phone messages like eight, nine minutes. Of all the times I've been bombed, I have never, ever heard anything of even the most minor interest.

They never talk about you and you hope they will. But you know, if it happened in a short story, you hear them say something very significant about you, which would lead to... Never. If any of our readers have I've ever been bombediled and heard anything of any interest whatsoever, please let us know. I'd naturally have it ever happened. No, I think you might be right.

It's not to me. I do know something that happened, but it's to a famous person, I can't say, I'm sorry. You can give them a false name. Let's call them Eric McGiven. No, I can't. You can't call them Eric McGiven? Is it too close to me? They don't have to think of a false name.

for the TV show. Eric McGiven, and the show is called The Bells of Wales. And it's about church audio recordings in Wales. There you go. There's your raw materials. We'll have a bit of a commercial radio blather, and then we'll come back to your reconstructed anecdote.

Don't let me down. Now for my little bit in a tightly. It feels like a backward step I know But people finding things quite frightening. Now for my reward. Your award is the tale of, well, what we're doing, in case anyone wasn't listening to that last link, because I do have a story about, what do you call it, Frank?

When someone calls someone, we'd have to say, bottom calling. Because when someone calls someone by mistake. Bomb dialing, yeah. dialing. And this involves a celebrity. So, in order to protect my life, really, I'm going to change the names of everyone involved to your suggestion, Eric McGiven.

Yeah, it's the main character. It's the main character. And the show he was in is called The Bells of Wales. The Bells of Wales. Yeah. So as you all know, the Bells of Wales, huge hit show. Yeah. Everyone wants a piece of it. Yeah. Massive.

Eric McGiven, at any point it becomes obvious who this is, you have to stop me. Okay. There are many big shows, so I don't worry about. Eric McGiven, he created it as well. Okay. It's his concept.

Yeah. Didn't just star in it. Okay. So Eric McGiven is sitting at home, and the phone rings, and it's a bum dial. I imagine his ring to. He's dung-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-l-n-from St David's Cardiff, which is Program 1, if you remember, got someone. It's my favourite ep.

Normally I don't like the first ep of things, but... I liked it series seven when they were doing little country chapels that he would normally go to. I hated it and people trying to be cool,

calling it B-O-W. Yeah, and the town cry a Christmas special for me, waste a time. So anyway, he got a...

He's going to jump the shark, isn't it? He got to call, Eric. Anyway. So, he gets a call, Eric, from the producer of the Bell, of Wales, who we shall call...

The producer of the Bells of Wales. What do we call him? What about Ken Penology? Ken Panology, because it's a bit like Can Panology, which is Bell. That name rings a bell. Yeah. Yeah, pull the other one. So Ken, Ken, Penology rings him up.

That's a bum dial. Ken Panology bomb dials Eric McGiven. Yeah. And what Eric? McIven his is Kempanology trying to chat up a lady saying, well, you know, the Bells of Wales was all down to me. Oh. It was my idea from the start. No one wanted to do it.

I told Eric McGiven all about it, and I sold it to him. I managed to persuade him, and eventually we made it. Oh. And apparently, it seemed to go down well with the lady. Kempinology pulled as a result. Good. He pulled. That's...

But how did Eric feel? Well, I think he found it amusing. No, but did Eric mention it to Ken? Or did he just... Is this something that Ken is still unaware of? No, how Eric McGiven dealt with it was tell everybody but Ken Penelagher. The opposite of what you'd do, Frank.

That would say. That would very show of business of Eric. Okay. So, if you're only the wiser on that. Well, I'd say... I liked it better for not, I mean. 9-8-1 says just after my daughter was born, a friend rang accidentally,

and I heard him describing my baby Willow as looking like Churchill. I wasn't angry for long, as it was true. Luckily, she is beautiful now and listening now. Great. Oh, he then dispenses some praise. That's Andy in Willow in Leightonstone. Oh, lovely. But I see Willow, he was moving towards Winston. That one stopped himself.

at the last minute. Do all babies look like people they say, don't they? It's a cliche that people say all babies look like Churchill. No, my niece Bertie looked like Joe Calzaggy when she was born. I think Boz looks a bit like Russell Tovey. I do. It's funny because it's true. It's true. Funny, but it's true what loneliness can do. Everybody. Okay. I, uh, did I tell you I was in Mass once in a Catholic church. So it was one of those clubs near you. And my phone went off, which is always terrible. It's only ever happened to me once in church.

And at the time, I had three lions as my ring-toned, just to treble. Oh, dear. Treble-ly. I got rid of it. It was hoisted on your own pat-arm. It was also in the early days of ringtones. So it's sort of like, oh, oh, oh.

But it's like crazy fron. It wasn't like an actual recording of the song, so that was... Oh, dear. Did you read about Alfie Bo? Yeah. He's that tenor and he... Oh, we know, Alfie Bowes. Oh, do you?

Oh, good, I just have to check. This comes, is he... Where's he? I think he's one of the bows of Wales. Is he? Yes. He might be, yeah. Alfie Boe.

I saw him in, fondly enough, LaBoe M. Did you? I did, yeah. Why's everything Bo related to him? He's just struck me that he's probably the... He probably thought, well, do. He's got Bow in it. He's actually only does Bo. He guessed vocal with the Bo Diddley.

He did. He's doing a musical of Robin Hood, just because it's got archery in it. Yeah. Bo and A lot of performance in Boise. He's doing a brilliant version of oranges and lemons. Bells of Bo. Okay. Let's leave it there.

Oh, okay. Well, he was in the paper because he answered someone. phone when it went off, this is one of my bug bears, like when a comedian does like the comedy stuff. When people answer phones at comedy gigs, it's like, everyone sort of goes, oh yeah, it's a bit, oh, it's sort of easy laugh. Why, do the comics do that a lot, do they? Yeah, it's reasonably easy way of dealing with it. Have you done it? I've done it in the past. I've moved on a lot, to think. No, I don't do it. Okay. I don't do any easy stuff. Okay. But when, when, when let's say a civilian that is a public speaker, does it?

It's like, oh, wow, how irreverent. Isn't that amazing? He took the phone call, and he said to the woman's mother, yeah, I'm Alfie Bowen, your daughter's standing next to me. Oh, brilliant. I just think, no, it's still rubbish, in it? But like, if a teacher says something remotely funny, like if, like, say a priest,

like a priest in front of a congregation, I believe they're called, If somebody got up and went out And the priest went, oh, while they've gone, shall we all hide? Which is a hack line in a comedy club. But in a church, that I'd be like, whoa, wow, brilliant. Well, if there's a priest, you'd feel that you're bad to hide. No, I think...

I don't quite know what goes on. Are you suggesting it's sort of low-hanging fruit then? Yeah. To a degree. Mind you for a priest. It's the dog on its line. Are we back to like... Bottle.

I think we are, actually. I had a terror... Didn't I tell you why this is so awful. In my single days, many years ago... Here we go, legend alert. Yes. I've got a feeling. I met a woman in a...

Oh. Your attitude towards his behaviour sickens me. In a... It's a cafe, actually. And I texted it the next day. I've got time to tell this story. You've taken this hot day on the night of a life to a cafe. I just met her. I met her there.

Okay. And she gave me a number, and I texted her the next day. And this is, oh, this makes me sound really bad. But, you know, it was a long time ago. I didn't know any better. I texted her and it said, does my memory deceive me? Or have you got a fantastic bottom? I've cleaned it up a bit.

Oh. And then I sent it. And then I thought, hold on. Hold on. And I realized I sent it to my niece. Oh, no. And I went into a mad past. I thought I got a phone her, I got a phone her and tell her.

So I phoned her, and I said, have you had a text from me in the last hour? And she said, yeah. And I said, it wasn't meant for you. She said, oh, I just thought it was you being weird. Thanks. I've actually been the victim of a miscarriage of justice, I'm calling it. I've had people presuming things about me, which simply aren't the case. Okay.

I had... I'm tense, you're a bit tense? I'm tense, yeah. Okay. Okay. You might get more tense. I had, I'm going to call it one of my falls, Frank, this week. Oh, okay.

One of my falls. I was descending my, sort of white wooden stair. Daisy's familiar with them, Frank also, a bit Provenceau. You're not, Alan. Sorry about that. Not seeing the stairs. Sorry. I can't remember.

Do you have a carpet? No, it's white wooden, Provenceau. I see, it's always a risk. I had, I'm going to be honest about what I was wearing. Okay. I had a bra on. Okay. And black bar of black tights.

It was a bit bunny girl. Right. At 1960s. So no shit. You see a stocking foot on a wooden stair? Yeah. Very slippy. Very slippy.

I mean, I can't tell you how many people have accidents like that. Holding a cup of tea. No, I actually can't. I don't have that kind of information. I'm got the stats. Okay. You're holding a tea. It's in the morning.

You weren't holding a hot drink during this fall. I'm not going to visit my therapist. Okay. You don't have to lie about that. I'm holding a cup of tea. Is he all right with you just turning up dressed like that? She. She.

This is where it gets interesting. Fine. She just wears a chemise. She believes we need to express ourselves. No, I think that. I'm with her on that. Do you think this sounds all right, the therapy? Anyway. She does lingerie.

Sounds great. She's one of the few lingerie psychoanalysts left in London. Anyway. Baby Dalbaxter, she's known. Is she? Carry on. I'm rushing down the stairs. You can't be late for your therapist.

If you're late for your therapy, Do you know that's going to come up in this session as well? Oh yeah. Is that what happens? That's their job, really. That's their job. Again, two bloke's in a pub. That's their job really, isn't it?

So I'm walking down the stairs with the cup of tea, an Edinburgh festival, Margaret was. I was rushing. I went flying. Oh, no. East Ender's theme tuned properly. Oh, no, no, no. How many stairs up were you, would you say, when you went?

I fell about eight. Oh, dear, that's a lot. Yeah, 6 to 8. I find that just missing the last step can jar the back. My coxics, I could feel it. Oh, no. I landed right on it. I sat there and I cried briefly.

I think that's fair enough. I think that's fair enough. The coxics, the trouble is you always worry that when you reach that the top of your spinal cords just come out at the top of the scalp. You know, you have to press it back in. As someone who lives alone, obviously I thought I'm going to be eaten by Alsatians. No one's going to know. Yeah, have you got Alsatians?

I think that's people who own Alsatians and that happens to I just roam in like rats What I meant to remember the You say that You should have been around in the 70s Because they were everywhere those dogs

Was this an urban myth About the woman who was putting A meat in the oven And the oven toppled over And it fell back And her arm was trapped In the oven door And it pinned down by the oven

And her arm slow cooked Over the weekend Oh, that's such an herbivist. What, with her attached to it? With her attached to it? Yeah, she was pinned down. She had to lie there. What's her arm? But was she alive while her arm was cooking?

Oh, yeah, she was alive. Oh, so she got to smell her own arm cooking. That's gross. Yeah. And she got hungry about the day in. Oh, God, if you're thinking, oh, God, it smells great. My arm in. Yeah.

Arm in. Very good. Okay, we'll have to come back to this. Oh, okay. I've got more to talk about. Oh, I'm sure. I like this. Cold friends, fingers, radio days

I don't win days as in stupor, a mean day, as in the sevens of the week, so this is a take out a gloat. As I think Robin, the nephew of Kermit the Frog said, we were halfway down the stairs. Ironically, we had to break your fall story, didn't we?

You did. So you fell eight steps. Six to eight, I'm going to say. And you landed at a heat. 68. Eight. Six, two, Aves. I thought it's just some quick exaggerating.

The idea of you crying in just a bra and panty house. Something terrible like that. It's like the cover of one of those true... I thought you were going to say that was a great... No, you know, there's true detective comics from the 50s when there'd be a woman in her underwear crying on the cover. But isn't it awful? But because I was on my way out the door,

hair and makeup was done, so I felt relieved. I thought momentary relief that if they come to get me, I look quite good. But didn't you have a bit of an Alice Cooper from the tears? No, waterproof eye makeup, always even in a crisis. Very sensible. What if you wanted to do some impromptu synchronised swimming? Yeah? Straight in.

So I went to my therapist and I started to realise a bruise formed, very quickly a bruise formed, a massive bruise. I realise, and we're still in the sort of post-Christmas area at the moment, when you tell people... How big was the bruised form site? I'd say it was covering a quarter Of your four? Oh, it was huge It was huge I said, oh, you know, this is terrible

I did it falling down the stairs Everyone, the same reaction everywhere Oh yeah How much did you have to drink? Of course See, what happens How much had you had? Well, what I started doing

I got so annoyed with my trainer He said, oh, you old drunk You old drunk? You old drunk? Oh, am I? I said, I wasn't. And then I thought, it happened at 8.30 a.m. But because I was so angry about being called a drunk,

I started telling lies about the incident for some reason. I said, I happened at 7.30. As if that made me seem, it seemed less likely. Yeah, you weren't quite so drunk, by that same. That just makes me think you're more likely to still be over the limit from the previous night. At 7.30, is it? Like a driving thing. I kept saying it was the morning.

I remember those days. Wake up still fighting drunk. Fantastic. But Frank, Frank, I've always. been suspicious. Anyone with bruises, show me a bruise, I'll show you a drunk,

I generally think. So... What about show you a slow-cooked fore-off? That's not true, that story. I don't know, probably. Well, we've had no verification. No.

Either way. I mean, what did the therapist? The therapist didn't say, ooh, been drinking? Because they don't say that kind of thing, no, because she's not like that, fortunately. Did she say... She just raised another.

Can you put some clothes on, please? She said you're rather over-dressed for art session She said oh how did that happen That looks that looks Oh no you see I'd worry me a therapist How did that happen It's part of you that feels that you're in a higher status Than you really should be

So you're trying to cast yourself down a few steps on the ladder And this has manifested itself in a physical wine We'll come back to this Because I'm very intrigued by the danger elements Tights I imagine are even shinier than size on a wooden stair. Oh, there's a big sheen. There's a big Martin.

Slippier. Terrify. They're very slippy. And you just go, once you go, you go. You see, I, you know. Because then you can't get any purchase. It's awful. I, I have had occasion in my professional career to wear fishnet tights. And that's a different story.

What's a lot of fantasy football league? No, yeah, if I've dressed in, you know, in sketches, I've dressed in... Sketches you wrote. Yeah, maybe. I did write that. As you got it to be performed at Raymond's Review Bar. Anyway, I felt very confident in a fishnet foot. It's a bit like having, you know, I'd take on an icy road in fishnets. You know, you put chains on the car wheels in Rio.

It's like that. I would totally agree with you, Frank. A real, great grip. You can get a grip. It's like the base of a Timbaland. If I were you, if I would, you, I would keep a couple of things. Pishnet pop socks at the top of the stairs just for that journey. Makes sense.

I've started the descent in long-nail boots. Well, better still get a... How dare you? Why don't you get a fishnet stair carpet? Because I don't want my house to look like Dr. Frankenfurter's about. No, you're quite right. Are they still clasters? I'm going to use the word, sexy.

Fishnet. Oh, please don't. It's conversation. Please don't use that word. It's disgusting. Okay. Foxy. Oh.

You're going to say panties in a minute. I'm going to leave the studio. I would never say fancies. I say knit-knacks. Which has caused some confusion when tidying up the bric-a-brac. No. But you know what it used to be... Can I tell you what I think fishnets have become?

They're a little bit BBC news reader doing a skit where they're pretending to be sexy. I'm a bit children in need dance. They're a bit children in need dance. They're a bit fancy dress. Right. It's all about the bare leg now. Yes, it's right. It must be terrible for a garment like that,

when it's been the very height of sort of saucing and suddenly becomes as like a cheap joke. Yeah. It is a bit. Consider you the peepole brassia. Indeed. It's, you know. Oh, let's not.

And the Cape. You were a fan of the Cape for a resurgence. I don't think of the Cape as a... There's a time when the Cape would have been the height of fashion. What about tight? Tights and a bra and a cape. The Cape does not fit into this cat. Does it?

Hold on, I'll be with him in a minute. I'm just going to pop to Anne Summers for a K. Who ever said that? Franks, the radio base, the days away the place. I reached what I can only describe as a parental milestone this week. I've heard many parents refer to this moment over the years, but being a non-parent, I just thought, shut up.

Has you seen you in the fish nets? Is that what this is about? Not yet. that we have got a section of wooden stair with no carpet so I'm thinking I might take up the pop sock Yeah careful on that stair Myself You could have a fish net safety net

Right, just a boy Anyway, no, this is something that people have always said to I've got a bit of ask me, have you blah blah yet And I've said no So it happened this week For the first time I am in bare feet I have stood on my first Lego Oh

Oh, really? And, oh, man. The pain. I had no idea he hurt. Why does it hurt that much? Oh, it's... It's worse than a plug, isn't it? It went right up my...

Oh, God, I'll tell you something about a plug, though. Tell us something about a plug. I had a mate, and he had an auntie in Margate, so we had a weekend at the seaside, and we went and stayed. And his auntie was... She was in a bad way, because she was... I mean, she was retund. Let's put it that way.

It was a big woman. She'd been changing a light bulb or doing some of the curtains or something, standing on a chair. This sounds like a woman with the arm in the cooker, but it's absolutely true. She stepped off the chair. She stepped onto a three-pin plug that went through her heel. No. It went through the skin of her heel.

And apparently, as she late waiting for the ambulance, she powered a two-bar electric fire at 25 minutes, just with her own vibrant personality. No, no, but it's true. It went through her fault. She had like a proper... Well, she had a lot of dressing on, but she said that she had a proper three pin holes in the bottom of her. Do you a right, injury that?

Well, then I presume... Yes, that is an injury. Yeah. Anyway, you and the piece of Lego, what sort of Lego may ask, was it? I'm intrigued. Well, it was to, I mean, to be strictly technically speaking, I think it's called Duplo. Oh, yes, I know Juplo.

Which is the bridge to Lego, but it's still really hurt. I suppose the ultimate, I've yet to reach the ultimate honour, which is to stand on a roller skate at the top of the stairs. But, you know, it will come. Emily's been doing that. Oh, God, yes. And people have been texting in. You said that you've had like a parental right of passage this week

by stepping on Lego for the first time. Yeah. We've inadvertently started a stepping on things texting. Frank, I found that wearing Lego. your shoes helps instead of hurting you just get taller. Excellent work from Stephen Prenton. Maybe I could make some Lego shoes. Oh yeah. Oh, I feel this pain. 999. Have you ever stood on the adjuster bit on a bra? Oh, that's painful. I've never done that. Um, yeah. Yeah, I was burying the body of an ex-girlfriend at the time. I was just trying to use my hands and legs to get it off. You know when you're fed up of digging and you start just trying to tread them down?

Have you never had a discarded bra? No, I've never stood. I've never been involved with a discarded bra, how dare you? No, but have you never... Has one never been thrown off in the heat of passion? Well, it's all far too regimented. Maybe not, but I've never stood on a bra on a bra class. I have.

And that really hurts. Oh, hurts? I like that. Sound like you sneaked in a car advert. It hurts much, yeah. I'm not sponsored by them. We digress. It's now time.

for a section of the show. We digress could be the slogan of this show. We digress could be a pop band that have been on like the X Factor or something, couldn't they? Yes. Yeah. Anyway, I believe we have a section of this show called Beber Watch, where we... Oh, we do. Where we discuss the one that is Justin Bieber. Let's see if I've got the jingle here. Come on.

Bebo! Les Vegas! There it is. Nice. Eleven police cars descended on Justin. Mr. Bueber's mansion on Tuesday to investigate an alleged vicious egg attack on his neighbour. Brilliant, isn't it? Yeah.

I mean, he's obviously visited West Yorkshire and he's heard about mischief night. Have you heard about mischief night? No. What, Misschief night? Is that like Halloween? Yeah. Is that their version of Halloween? Yeah, essentially, you just go out and get up to mischief.

And Bieber, he's still in the age bracket where mischief night would be acceptable. So he's gone. Mischief Night means something very difficult. different to me. He is, I'd say he's 19, but this is what happens if you get, the teenagers get mansions. They will add their neighbours. It's great that he's got a mansion at 19. I mean, don't, I mean, as you know, it's Lieber-Beba. But he is a very great fool, you know, because, you know, he's 19, and he's like, I mean, he's had everything for him. He's, I imagine they were Faberjeet eggs. That's why they were so dangerous. That's, 20,000 pounds worth of damage,

but that was just to the Faberger eggs, not to the house. How do you do that much damage with eggs? What was he doing? He must have got the hard bit. Diamond omelet. What I don't understand about it and what I find extraordinary about this is, if you're going to egg someone, don't make it your neighbours.

It's quite hard to make a clean getaway. You know what they say? Don't egg on your own doorstep. That's what they say. Yeah? Yeah. Confucius says so. He was detained in his garage. What was he?

Yes. Yeah. Like it was a night in strange ways. He was detained in his garage. Was he with the rest of his band? Was it garage band? Well, yeah. And then it said the police were searching for evidence,

including any other eggs in the house. They must have been going through his bridge. It's lucky he took his shirt off, because that would have had splashings. Yeah. I bet he took his shirt off when he had those 11 police cars outside. And they were looking for eggs. I hope he hasn't got, like, a home recording studio,

and they walked in and there's just all those egg boxes all over the walls. You know what? I hope he hasn't got a home recording studio, so. Well, I... Is it something to do with the fact that he's Canadian? Because I think Canadians are seen as very sort of mild-mannered, gentle, calm, nice people. Not this one. Well, I wonder if he's trying to break against that stereotype of you.

No, I think he's trying to break an egg. Whereas Boubley... Oh, Boubley's lovely. He's embraced Canadianism. He's a friend of the show. Yeah. He's like Boubley now, really? He was very nice to you on that, Graham Northen.

I suppose I said we did say, you spit the Canadians. Beba, booble, boobla, be. Have you ever been egged either of you? I don't think I have ever been egged. I've been egged. Oh, when were you egged? I was egged, I think, in a Halloween incident by some Nairdwells in Cardiff. Was it mischief night?

Yeah, I think it was mischief night. Yeah. It's not nice. It would have been like trick-or-treat type time of the year. It's happened to me. Yeah. Were you doing a bit of extra work on the Bells of Wales? Okay, yes.

Back then I was in that hit. You can't see me. Yeah, that massive hit. And Eric said, can we, uh, can we, uh, can we, uh, can you know, Can we do that one again, guys? Yeah. And as himself, Alan Cochran. That's what I said.

Yeah, I've been egged. Have you been egged? Oh, yeah, I've been egged. Have you? Can you imagine me being egged? It was awful. What capacity? I was a student.

I say student. I was wearing suede high heel boots. And I believe it was a velvet mini skirt. Oh, that's egg could do a lot of damage to velvet. Can you imagine? It's tenacious character, egg. Yeah. And I was walking down the front.

in Brighton and someone passed, I was going to a gentleman's apartment, and someone passed in a car and I just felt, I felt the impact of the egg, and then I just saw shell everywhere. You see, it is a salt, it's bad. Yeah, it was. I've been egged and I've been chickened.

I just can't remember what order. What happened is? Friends goes with your base. Friends comes with your ways. Oh, hold on, I can put your microphone up. I can only apologise. I did that on purpose. I don't think I've ever done that before. How awful?

What would your, what would your analysts say about that, that I just wanted to silence it? My analysts would say, why do you think you did that? Yeah. Really? Is that the sort of thing? Yeah, you have to go on the journey. You have to discover why you behave as you do? That was my version of being a rotting stag. You think? Not rising. It could be.

Why do you think you did that? I've got for an analyst. No, I'll tell you what the analysts would say. How did it feel? How did it make you feel when you did that? It made me feel awful. Oh, okay. Because I could hear, Oh, my, me.

Yeah. Like someone at the end of a phone in the cartoon. Yeah, like someone from the north was trapped in the attic of my house. And I was in the kitchen downstairs. Oh, oh, boy, all that. I could just hear that. It's terrible.

That sounds like the voiceover to a cartoon. Or something, suddenly there's a version of me on Pingu. I love the idea of it. You do know, don't you, that you sound like the voice out of a cartoon. No, I didn't. I thought I sounded him more like, There it is again. I'm just getting...

I've ascended the stairs. I'm getting near of the attic now to let you out. Take his mic down again. Someone up there? Can I help you? Well, I can't move. So... Imagine if Cair's starting, oh, Alan's up there again.

So, no, I'm sorry I didn't raise your fader. Let's move on. We've had a few texts in from the outside world. We were talking earlier about bum-dialing on the mobile phone to... You know, when you accidentally call someone. Yes, using your bottom. And we've had a text from Joe saying, Hi, Frank, me and my girlfriend were making out.

Later that week, my girlfriend revealed to me that she had bum-dialed her dad during this session. Oh, no. And he may have heard the entire affair. We hoped not. I worry about you because you say making out and I don't like that Me, I didn't, I was reading No, I'm not saying you personally

I'm saying the sender of that I think it's a nice clean way of putting it I commend them for that I know it's a bit Greek It's a bit greased too Did you give her a hickie? Yeah That's a love by it's okay

Yeah I'm pretty sick I mean I don't know what I do in that case Yeah I insist that all all the phones in the house are put on airplane mode before we even get to heavy petty. Really? That's safe sex gone crazy. You can't be too careful, I think.

Now, I'll tell you what else. 147 has written to say this, standing on a bra class, perts, just tried it with four bras. Load of rubbish, get a grip. I love that they've done the experiment now. Okay. 147. You want to play, let's play?

Because I'm afraid you're... Give them a break. Very good. When I said you want to play, let's play, I was quoting Lee Ryan from Blue. I don't actually talk like that. He said that last night and I enjoyed it. I'm not talking about the bra class, the bit at the back. That's the only bit men are familiar with, and we know why.

Well, you do get those front-class B-1. Do you remember those? Oh, I remember them, my friend, yeah. Yeah. I'm talking about the adjust a bit. Are you familiar? Oh, yes. Yes, on the straps.

So sometimes that can get raised. Yeah. Because it gets fashioned into the shape of the shoulder as well. I see. That's what hurts. Try that four times, one four seven. Yes, so one four seven, go to the adjust. Leave the pile of bras where they are.

Yeah. But just move them about a bit so that you work in more on adjuster than clas. But then if you would, re-text us, and let's see how you like them apples. we truly are in Greece too Franks to email corners What do we got Interesting harmonies this week

Hi Frank Emily and Alan I've got to be honest with I didn't feel that one really worked No You know when you're halfway through a harmony And you feel I'm lost I went too deep I'm completely lost Just wanted to get in quickly with what I believe is

The First Peter the Wild reference of 2014 Oh goody Not quite I don't. I think I've already had some. I think I mentioned the fact there's an exhibition which we're going to go to... Oh, can we go to that day? We're going to have a work...

Can we get VIP tickets? Thank you. I was four. Yeah, there we loaded us. The Peter the Wild thing. There always are. There'll be a red carpet, event. It'll be everything. I reckon we could get comps. Go to the Wild. Do you think we can?

Yeah. How much are they then? Seven pound? I'll get my people to call. Okay. Is this email corner of thinking a loud corner? Is that was happening? My people will speak to Peter the Wild people.

Imagine if we got Fribes for Peter the Wild exhibition. I'd feel so... Proud. I'd like it. I'd like it. I was fortunate enough to be wandering around Norwich this week when I stumbled upon a pub dedicated to Peter the Wild. Can I say, by the way, in case anyone's a new listener,

Peter the Wild was a feral boy who was captured. It's true. He was fair. He lived in the woods and he was captured and given to George I first as a gift. and he kept him in a leather collar, which is a bit harsh. He was a bit harsh. He was a court curiosity. Court curiosity, and then he was demoted. He left the court, and he lived, wherever he lived, maybe in Norwich. And he was famous for walking around with singing songs with no words and staring at fires.

And eating raw onions. Oh, yeah, raw onions. I always forget the raw onions. I'd say, I never forget. That's the thing I remember, because it just makes me think that he met a hypnotist years before that, and he just thinks, I love apples. So, I was fortunate enough to be wandering around Norwich this week when I stumbled upon a pub dedicated to Peter the Wild. The Wildman commemorates the time when an older and wiser Peter post-court years mysteriously arrived in the city in 1751

where he was arrested as a sturdy vagrant. Locals claimed he resembled an orangutan, apparently. See again, anti- Ginger. prejudice. But with a very loving look in his eyes, that's what you want, an orangutan with a loving look in their eyes. Was there a fire just over their shoulder

when they were talking to him? Anyway, he was imprisoned in the city. Oh, no. Different times. Different times. They were. And while detained, a fire broke out. Of course.

While other prisoners were released to save them from the blaze, Peter instead chose to remain and indulged in his old favourite pastime of fire watching and had to be forcibly dragged out. Today the pub is The pub on the street where he was held is adorned with the words Peter the Wild Boy mysteriously turned up in Norwich

and the whole event is marked with a blue plaque Some say Norwich doesn't get a lot right but this has to be up there with its finest achievements I've attached a link for your perusal I've looked at that link and those pictures are there Oh the Wild Man Let's go for a drink at the Wild Man He worked at the pub

Day out to Norwich I don't think he worked there I think he was in there I think it was a cellar man You think the Blake ever said Peter the mild I love that He was in the cellar like Cockraw was in the attic That's from Joel 126

Who puts the acronym L-T-L-F-T-W Long-T-L-T-W listener First Time writer So that's another out, Mugatant Norwich Great, I'm out of the World Walk There's an art centre, you could pop it on on your tour Yeah And at Walsingham, it's not far away,

well-known Roman Catholic Shrine Which I put in my contract When Lou Swimming was filmed in Norwich I put it in my contract As well as doing the show, they had to drive me to Walsingham To worship About that for a loose swimming Claws

We've taken all that radio show Wasn't going to be a bed in tin and tightly It feels like a backwood step I know But people finding things Quite frightening