The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner Radio Days: Nomination

Episode Date: October 1, 2025

We’re in 2010 and the team have received a Sony nomination! Frank’s been on Desert Island Discs, Gareth’s mum has given him an unusual gift and West Brom have been promoted. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Frank Skinner's Radio Days, it could go one of two ways. Hello and welcome to Frank Skinner's Radio Days. We're still in 2010 for our best bits, and guess what? We've had a Sony nomination. Yeah, things really have changed. SRB, SRB, a sausage in a roll in a box for me. A bit toppy there. Bugs for me.

A box for me. A box for me. Box for me Welcome This is Frank Skin on Absolute Radio With Emily and Gareth Hello We're on 812-15

I haven't done the number yet We're on 8, 12, 15 Is that kind of slick professionalism That got this show A Sony nomination this very week Oh I love that we got a nomination Take that, haters A nomination

I have to say it like that Yeah, but it was, I think we were put in for about four categories, and we only got one nomination. So my first feeling was bleak defeat. But then people tell me that any nomination, what I believe is known as the Radio Oscars is... We don't need three anyway. One's enough, three's too much of a handful.

I thought three, we could have one each. There wouldn't be any squabbling. So what were we nominated for? What did we... What category did we get nominated for? I think it was best used of adverts in a 15 minute second. It's Best Entertainment Programme.

Oh. That's entertain. This is entertainment. What are you crazy? Apparently so. Well, that's like the best thing on radio, surely, because what else is it supposed to be apart from entertaining? Education.

All right. Best shirt. Some DJs might have. No, I think that's only one wants with the camcorder thing. Oh, okay. The webcam. I always call it the camcorder. Oh, the webcam's on today, so I've put a lot of makeup on.

So I have a feeling now. We're not going to win the award. I was very confident. I was bursting with confidence. I'm not a person who lies about these kind of things. No, you're not. I tell everyone I'm going to win, and then I lose. I'm fine with it.

I think you should wear your daydreams on your sleeve. But now, when I look at the competition. Dr. Fox, Simon Mayo. What are we going to do? They're not in it. Oh, who is in the competition then? Mark Commode's not in it. If I was Mark Commode, I'd have a small...

I'd cut my hair, I'd change my hair. I'd keep my hair, but I'd have a hair clip made with a small surfer on it. and I'd wear it I'm just in the top of the quiff just like it's riding that enormous wave on my head I love Mark Commode You two should stop being mean about him Well I don't think that's mean

I love commodes in general No but there is a whole lot of surfing going on On his crown You're all right Frank The great thing about commodes Is you don't have to miss any TV at all So you don't think we're going to win I've got a feeling

But you know I'm easy about it now I understand I was quite anxious I thought, if we don't win, I'm going to resign. But now I... Oh, God. But now, in a sort of Kevin Keegan kind of a way.

But no, I'm relaxed with it. I'm happy to go and have a lovely night out and applaud when Jamie Thiexton gets up and grabs the gong. And as long as we're next to Tony Hadley and Reverend and the makers, like last year, there's nothing wrong. I never win anything. Don't you? No.

I've done quite a lot. Because when you start doing comedy, you be in quite a lot of competitions. You've been quite a comedy. The worst old's coming. The 14th century. I be 14th summers long. Maybe is that sort of eloquence that's held me back. Maybe.

I'd love to hear your acceptance speech. I'd be right delighted. Well, you must have won something at school. Maybe at school. No, nothing at school. No, I've come runner-up in things. In the Lester Mercury Comedian of the Year award, I got the position of Honourable Mention.

So I didn't come first place. They had a joint second place, so that was two people who were second place, and I got an honourable mention. There are only eight people in it. So I came fourth of eight. Oh, did you multiply? No. I thought you'd have got that.

It's a biblical. Yes, yeah. Oh, well. We've taken all my radio shows and done a bit of editing and tightening. It's a walk-down memory lane. I know because people find new things quite frightening. We've had a text in, Frank, on 812-15. Oh, that's a bit of an occasion.

Hold on a minute. That was the top coming off champagne. That was very cheap champagne, wasn't it? Yeah, I couldn't. That's something wrong on my thumb. So it's from Steve at the Village Bakery, who I love. He's one of our regular listeners. Didn't they do YMCA?

No. Steve says Frank's book, this is on the Desert Island, Frank. Frank's book should be called Tales of the Blanc. That would keep you busy for years. You know who he means. Is this a reference to the fact that that Gareth often tells fabulous tales about his one celebrity friend, Raymond Blonde? I think it might be. I think it might be.

Yeah, I do. Because I went to the restaurant. Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. I went to the Maison Blanc in Winchester. I'm surprised you never mentioned it before.

You went to the Maison Bonk in Winchester. And I've said a couple of things about it, but there's one interesting thing that happened, is that? Oh, God. What a day it was. The waitress came over and she said... Where's the music? We need the music fan. No, no, I'm hooked in there. Mr. Blanc, would you like me to charge it to your account?

And he said, oh, no, I like to pay my bills myself straight away. Even though it was his... Even though it was his place. And so she... And she called him Mr. Blanc, not Monsieur. Not Monsieur Blanc. And she said, okay. And she said, oh, and she filled with the machine.

She said, well, I'm having a bit of a problem with the machine. Do you mind if I go, no, I like to, I want to pay now, please. I want to pay now. Yeah, so she went and sorted it out and brought him the bill, left him. And afterwards, he said, sorry, can I ask you about this thing on the bill here? What is, what is he must have been? He queried the bill. I would imagine, she must have been terrified.

What is this? What is this? That's a chocolate, a clear. And he goes, oh, yes. What an ending to an anecdote. even say we he could have said we but no he said yes oh yes I mean I don't think he's quite got into

character Ramon that poor girl though you don't want to be you don't want Raymond Blanc querying in the Raymond she was nervous she was dropping plates she was a fiasco oh actually sounds rubbish well I was gonna say that sounds a much better

anecdote than Raymond Blanc querying a bill I know but you gotta get LeBlanc I gotta pace myself I shouldn't have blown the plate breaking no that's it you've killed two Raymond Blanc anecdotes with one with one stone

what I'll sing God I've just got a note from the producer that says sing Oh what the prison Ye my love And I shall ye add end Oh Oh I see There's a song called sing

I'll play that. I did Desert Island Discs this week. Wow. You did another radio show. Yeah, but Desert Island Discs. It's a national institution. Yeah, it was an interesting experience, the old...

Was it? Was it? Is it Kirstie Young? It was Kirstie Young who I did meet before many years ago because she did fantasy football. Oh, I'm relieved. I was worried when you said that. No, no. When I left, I said, well, it was nice to meet you. And then I thought, oh, no, I should have said.

nice to see you again. Now she'll think I don't remember her and she'll deliberately do a terrible edit to make me sound bad on the desert island. I can tell you my luxury item. Oh, what was that? Was six silver napkin rings. What are you going to do with those? Well, she says luxury item.

Yeah. Would you have napkins? Well, no. Just a napkin ring. If someone asks you a luxury item, there's not that many things that spring to mind as luxuries. Is there? In the modern world. So I thought, well, I've never had that, really.

If somebody bought me then, I'd say, well, it's a bit of a luxury, so there it is. I'll be able to use it for something on the... What would you do with them? Well, if I stage a one-man Desert Island Olympics, I'll be able to use five of them as a symbol. Yeah, all right, so they'll be all right for logo construction. I think a lot of castaways, they try to construct a logo early in, you know.

Then if anyone's flying past, you've got your brand. It's all about branding. It is. And was there an emotional bit in the interview? Because they can get quite emotional. Well, I wasn't expecting that. It actually was, it was quite serious. It's asked me a lot about my childhood and stuff like that. Oh, did you talk about the whippets? I'm not, no, I didn't talk about that. But I'm not that partial to serious. I don't want a serious theme, as long as you're embroidering it with comedy as it progresses. But it didn't, there were times when I felt like I was in therapy. You don't want a Pierce-Morgan tear, though. You didn't shed a Pierce-Morgan tear, though. You didn't shed a Pierce-Morgan.

Oh, no, I didn't do a PST, as that would be, that would be terrible. And did you mention us? Yeah, but I don't know. Oh, I look forward to that. I can't wait to me. Yeah, I don't know. I didn't mean they might not make the final. Obviously, that's a possibility.

I didn't really, yeah, obviously six, I didn't have the six silver napkin rings as much. Oh, really? I made that bit off. My luxury item was Big Mouth Billy Bass. That terrible toy from the night. The fish on the plaque. Well, I think it would be nice if you were on a desert island. Say if there was a blizzard on and you'd got, say, dysentery.

Wouldn't you be glad of a plastic fish going, Don't worry, and with a slight wriggle around the dorsal? That would be good, I think. Yeah, so it was a very interesting experience. With that, is it assumed that you have something to play the discs on? Yes. Okay. I'll tell you more about this.

There's more to tell. I don't need to think that's here. I was in there for, oh, I got there at 10 o'clock and left there half past 12. No. Yeah. I had quite a tan by the time I left. So, yeah, so the one track I really wanted to choose for Desert Island Discs was the theme from Desert Island Discs. Oh, I know it, yeah.

Because I think, where are you going to enjoy that more than on a Desert Island? So you just wake up in the morning and you think, oh, I'm depressed, I feel lonely, I've gone, I'm eating too much salt, right? And then you think, hold on a minute, do you think, oh, I'm on a desert island, you know? Let's self-dramatized myself as a heroic figure, and then I'd be all right.

And then you can think about what, if you had to go back into normal life, what records you would choose? Yeah, that's a good idea. Well, I thought about choosing eight records that I hated. and then I would have all that time to listen to and analyse these records and come up with a sort of formula for my own hate and I might be able to...

That's a constructive way to spend your time. Yeah, but then I might be able to remove that hate from me and go back a person who is essentially just built of laugh. You're assuming you'll go back? Well, if I ever went back, if I didn't, at least I'd be a happy islander. Yeah, oh yeah. So if I took, say, Imagine by John Lennon. Oh, do you not like that one?

imagine there's no country no I don't I hate that I mean I love I mean Oh don't tell Chris Evans He won't be happy

No It's one of his favour It's not a Beatles track though I think he might feel It's a bit modern Yeah But

Indy I like the Beatles Don't get me wrong But that particular track I I You may say I'm a

No To be honest There is one There is one section of it that I do, right. I really like, but you can't just pick that.

I object to the sentiment as well. Yes. Imagine no possessions. How very dare you? What about imagine? What's sort of an animal, are you? What about imagine there's no contrast? That's my absolute world cop trip, completely ruined.

If we get there, a group of neutral standing around, kicking a ball about. Well, so what about Yoko Ono's climate-controlled for a coat cupboard in her New York apartment? That was a possession, wasn't it? I think you'll find. Funnily enough, that was my luxury item. I've got a luxury item for you here.

Oh, my God, put that away. That sounded like the most leering bedroom line I've ever heard. Oh, show you a luxury item. Oh, my God. You and Ferguson has sent us an email saying, me and Ferguson. Yeah, we wrote it together, me and Sir Alex Ferguson. I toned down that some of his natural aggression.

Frank, here in California, there is a cola called Pig Iron Cola. Oh, marvelous. Unfortunately, the US government won't let me send you in the team of bottle, and I can't attach a... But he's got a picture here. Pig Iron Cola. You know, Alex Ferguson wouldn't like that unless it was mixed with something. So you can get an actual cola called Pig Iron?

That's brilliant, isn't he? Oh, I love that. It would be worth getting a job in a bar in California. you. If people came in and said, oh, I've quite fancy a cola. What are you got? What brands do you have? And I can say, well, we've got... Pig-A-Ire! We've got all pig-iron! You'd have to make sure it was exclusively pig-iron colour, so then you could say, we've got all pig-iron.

Yeah, that's true. Or out-of-date pig-iron, so it's old pig-iron. Yeah. Yeah. All these are possibilities, of course. But then they'd probably say, you haven't got any of that my-moms colour. used to sell in Birmingham shops in the 1970s. What's that? My mom's cola was a special brand. I've never said. We had panda. I don't think there was any cola in it. It was one of those

brown liquid? Yeah, it was brown liquid. But you can't, if you had an item called my mom's brown liquid, I mean, who on earth? With Amex Platinum, access to exclusive Amex pre-sale tickets can score you a spot track side. So being a fan,

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my mum likes a bargain. Right. Oh, dear. And likes going to charity shops, secondhand things. This week, she went to an all new level with that. Presumably she didn't go to an all-new level. She went to a second-hand level.

Yeah, no. New to her. Yeah. Okay. She said, oh, she phoned up, Laura, very excited that she'd got something for Ethan. She had gone out at lunchtime. She had gone out on her bike, any new listeners. Oh, yeah.

She'd gone out on her bike in her lunch break, and in a skip outside a hotel, she'd found a chair for Ethan. Lovely, from a skip. From a skip. That's a nice present for him. child's chair computer monitor in there so which they're always it's some asbestos it'd be an office chair wouldn't it they're always in those kids what's the nature of the chair she took it home on a bike as well she's on a bike so this is well it's it's like a little chair that's painted like a giraffe it's painted orange and has a giraffe face on it but it's got terrible cracks down the back it's cracked

yeah and it people have thrown it away because they thought oh we don't want that near kids look it's cracked and looks terrible. Yeah. She's brought it home for Ethan. So how have you handled this diplomatically? Because obviously, it's, you know they say it's the thought that can't? It's a nice gesture, isn't it? No, I don't think it is a nice gesture.

I see skin picking as an act of great warmth. My mum knows that I don't like second-hand stuff and stuff like that, and she's got something from... Tight-y! Tight-y! Exactly. I mean, to be fair to your mum, I would have thought that was quite an... I would have assumed that. I have to be honest.

I'm looking at you today. I would have thought you were quite fond of a secondhand shop or at Slash Skip. Well, thank you. I must, when I first saw you, I thought here's a man who likes a cracked giraffe chair. So I've refused to either be polite about it and have just... Oh, no, that's, you see, you don't know how to feelings. It was an act of kindness.

You could fight fire with fire and give her, like, seven house bricks. Or not have a skip your... All her future. birthday presents are going to come from skips. Well, I look forward to see what that is. It'll be a sampled book. That's all the thing you always get in there. Those samples books that people have.

Now, what have you been banging on about the World Cup, Frank? Oh, the World Cup, yeah. Well, I've been a little bit edgy. You know, you may know that David Badeel and I go into the World Cup for absolute radio. We're actually, Emily, who is our, not she's not called Emily, you're called Emily, aren't you? Oh, my God. Like when you call out the name of the wrong woman During an act of intimacy

You know when that happens? Emma, Emma, our producer's name. Emma, that's what she's called. And that's Gavin. You know what I mean? Yeah. Well, we're all going out to South Africa And people have been saying to me, you know,

you'll get killed in Johannesburg and all that which I'm getting very, very sick off. But I thought Cape Town is very, very lovely. And then I read in the papers this week that has been a warning to tourists. in Cape Town because of rampaging baboons. Oh. And the local baboons, for some reason,

have got particularly aggressive. And they've been attacking people in packs. I don't know if pack is the collective noun for baboons. But that is quite terrifying. Oh, I don't know. You could befriend one. One, you could befriend. 30.

Because they egg each other on, I find, baboons. They're all right on their own. They're sit and chat quietly. You get a few of them, you know, they get a bit opity. I quite like the idea of them, like, clambering all over the wags, cars, though. I'd enjoy that. I don't want them on my car, but I don't want them clambering on me. I don't want the idea of one of those red bombs against my clothing.

You know what I mean? You once had a very profound moment with a gorilla. It was actually a chimpanzee. Oh, it was a chimpanzee, yeah. Guerrillas, I find, a bit surly. I once stared at a chimpanzee. You probably know. monkey world, which is a, it's a sort of chimp sanctuary in Dorset, yeah.

And they keep them in a little, when they first get in, they're in like an incubation area. And he came to the window and I looked at him, I looked into his big brown eyes. They all seemed to have brown eyes. I think a chimpanzee with blue eyes would look beautiful. You don't seem any blonde chimps, do you? No, but they wouldn't have. Perhaps Scandinavia's probably packed with it. So he stared at me. We were just looking at each of that for so long. I mean, our faces, there was a plate of glass, but our faces were about five inches apart.

People came to look at us, looking at each other. It was like the missing link. Oh, I love it. Really spectacular thing. You and your chimp friend? Very, very odd. And two days later, I found myself casually peeing a banana with my feet.

I think I may have been hypnotised. I think it was some sort of chimpanzee Paul McKenna-type figure. I probably helped me stop. I haven't smoked since then. Either. So, you know, that's a good sign. But I tell you what, there's a thing in last weekend, the Son. Yeah.

I have it with me, actually. Oh. And it's brilliant news. It's England, they're going to win the World Cup. Really? Yes. You may... That'll be more money for you.

Listen, this is the newspaper. I don't need to think that that's something from the BBC Radio Workshop that says newspapers, and this is a real, real thing. Anyway, it says... It says in here that there's so many coincidences that it's become apparent that England are going to win the World Cup because we won it in 66, so we're going to win it in 2010. This is some of the pretty, I'd say, pretty convincing evidence.

First of all, there was a general election in 1966. There's also one in 2010. That's spooky. Also, there was a new Doctor Who in 1966. Wow. Oh, which one was it? Patrick Troughton. Oh.

Oh, he was hunky. Yeah. But that, you can see it, you know, the evidence is building up. It's everywhere. And there's one last one. The opening of Parliament was first televised in 1966. Thursday nights saw the first TV debate between prime ministerial candidates. I think that is quite amazing.

To me, this is the sort of thing that if Arthur C. Clark was still alive, this would be on one of his, in one of his shows, about the supernatural happenings of the world. So, to me, it's in the bag. Aren't they searching for the perfect chance or something? Perfect chance. Oh, boffins. I love a boffin.

Yeah, boffins are, they're trying to find the perfect football chant, the one that sort of, you know, sums up. It's a very interesting art, the football chant. Well, you should know. No, but it is. Martin Carth, the English folk singer, said that really it's the closest thing to the, to the, folk song. Because

folk songs, they used to use the same tunes over and over again, but they'd write them about topical things that had happened and all sing them together. And so that's what football chants to. There's nothing else quite like it. I know loads of football chance. I love them. Yeah. Let's talk about Cess, baby. Let's talk

about flamenny. Don't you know that one? Everyone knows it. No, we don't sing that at West Romerjelby. What do you think? There is one I've always very much liked which is that we will follow the Albion over land and sea and water And it's one of those

When you see something in brackets And you think, well, do we need that? I've always presumed it must mean fresh water As well as salty water There was another one I very much liked We were at Port Vale And a sudden snowstorm I mean literally out the blue I suppose

Snowstorm came out of nowhere And the Albion fans started going orange ball, orange ball, orange ball. And they knew, and out it came to an enormous cheer. So it's a funny old, it's funny old times going on with that. I love the idea that Volcanoes are stopping aeroplanes from flying. It's so a multiplex disaster movie. I love it. It's sort of old world taking on modern world and winning.

Well, I, Laura, came in when I was still asleep. the other morning to tell me about it. And I just, you know, when you just incorporate something into your dreams. I like the law always has to tell you what's going on in the world as well. It just lies in bed, slumbered. And she comes in and says things,

apparently there's going to be a general election. All right, fine. I can imagine it. Now, go on. So she came in and told you about... Yeah, and I just incorporated it into my dream. So I thought it was a dream. And it wasn't until I was on the tube and they said, oh, flights are cancelled because of the volcanic ash.

And I was like, oh my goodness, it's really happening. It's really happening. So you thought you'd dream the whole thing? Oh, God. Well, all I'm worried about is how am I going to get to Mauritius in a couple of weeks? I hope it subsides by then. I think it'll clear by then surely. I can't believe that a whole world has been brought down by Ash.

It's like being Cheryl Cole. Oh, very good. Do you see what you have to do, you have to think about the words involved and see if you can make any kind of play out of them. That's how my career has worked. I tell you what I'd like to know Yeah How does, if it's sand, they say it's sand, right?

How does sand stay up in the air? Oh, I see what you mean. Because steam, you can see that because it's lighter than... Sounds quite heavy though, isn't it? Yeah, how does that? I mean, like if you were watching golf And they chip one out the bonker, the sand doesn't just keep going up, does it?

Well, we should get some boffins to text in We should get some boffins, I'm starving. Yeah, there'll be some boffins listening. Oh, yeah. But I'd really like to know that. It's confused me. And then Neil in Cardiff texted us... I have done that, actually.

What, Neil, Nelson, Cardiff? I have, yeah. I nearly said kneeled in Cardiff, and then I'd sound like I didn't pay attention at school. No, go on, Neal in Cardiff. Neal and Cardiff... Neal in Cardiff, it sounds like some religious... Right, if you're listening, Neil in Cardiff.

All over Cardiff now. Misunderstanding Welsh people Go, oh, blame me better, better kneel down, do we? Sounds like a fool song is what it sounds like. Yes. Yeah, let's get Neil in Cardiff.

And they're very obedient in Cardiff. Are they? I found. That's not the story. Neil in Cardiff has texted us in during the week and says, he has a question. He says, when were you briefly famous

in your school and why? My 15 minutes of fame was appearing on blockbusters. Bob Holness was lovely. well that's that's quite a big one isn't it as fame goes that's properly famous i was famous for being catholic in our school because there was in the civil war yeah no i think this was during the reformation all right because many had gone over and they'd taken the pledge as insisted by henry the eighth but not us were you really famous for we had a hidey hole in that no yeah no it was because there's only five catholics in our school and so we didn't go into assembly or our

Oh, you'd have to sit in the dinner hall on our own and do whole work. As if you don't have enough punishment all the time. Exactly, yeah. And so people would say, oh, that's one of the... They used to call me Kathy. Kathy? Short for Kathy. Yeah.

They didn't call me Roman. I wouldn't want any to think I was a slightly salubrious film director. Yeah, so I got sort of... Kathy? Oh, Frank, that's such a sweet nickname. Well, it could be based on anything, because I remember... You know, it's often said that it's quite exciting at school when a dog comes into the playground.

Oh, yeah, I love that. Well, we had, I remember a dog came in once, and this kid said, oh, hold on I. I know that dog. Bobby, come on, Bobby. And the dog came over, and we were, oh, wow. And he knows, you know, that dog that came in the playground, he actually knew him.

Called him over, and, yes, yeah, knew him. You know, he knows the family and everything. Oh, you're the kid that knew the dog. And that was in, he got celebrity from knowing a dog. Oh, it's so easy. Gareth, did you ever have that moment, your 15 minutes of fame? My crowning moment was I did, it was in the sixth form, and I wrote an assembly.

Because, like, the classes could write an assembly and perform it to the school. Do you still write assemblies, or is that? Sometimes, I double. Yeah. You know, every now and then I'll write an assembly. I don't know, if I wrote to a school and said, look, I've written a few assemblies. I wonder if you might want to look them over. People don't think they'd be well up for it.

Yeah. I mean, have you ever met anyone once? What do you differ if? I'll write assemblies. Oh, really? What, do you include hymns? I know I just write that the sort of, you know, comic framework. We called it prayers.

Did you? Yeah. We called it that thing that goes on in the hall when we were sitting in the dinner room. We didn't have dinner. We had supper. Anyway, carry on. In English, we were studying Rosencranton, Guildenstone are dead. Tom's Topper.

Oh, yes. You know, which is sort of about. For anyone who wasn't, there was anyone who was listening and wasn't, didn't know they were even ill. I think you broke that quite very brusquely. And, you know, it's a bit inspired by Samuel Beckett, so it's about existentialism and stuff.

It's inspired by Shakespeare, wasn't it? Yeah, both. Okay. And I wrote this playwright, which was about, it was about individualism and alienation. And everyone, basically... Well, that's who I'd go. If I wanted a play on that,

who are you going to call? Garith Richards. No, no, no, no. Yeah, okay. Existentialism or on absolute radio this morning. It was high concept, so the thing was, everyone in the play had a sheet over their heads. Oh, of course they did.

And the sheet represented how we're cut off from one another. Oh, okay. You weren't all supposed to be just ghosts. No, we weren't. Oh, okay. Sort of the sixth sense. I think I went to a party like this once, some sort of Roman theme.

Anyway, carry on. Like, right over our heads. Okay. And then there was a very, Were they Egyptian cotton sheets? Were they cheap sheets? It was just whatever people had. Okay.

And it was called a load of sheet. And then there was a very moving bit where I was the starring character. It got really good laughs. It was funny. Yes, sure it did. What, the starring character? Sheet won. The sound of people.

A great part. The sounds of footsteps on a polished floor as people leave a hall can sound like laughter when it's filtered through it. a sheet. I've discovered that. How can there be a starring part with the sheet? You all look the same. I had the most lines. I think the writer gets the duvet. Okay.

We couldn't learn it, though, so we had underneath the sheet, we had the scripts. That's handy. I haven't thought of that. Is there anyone who couldn't walk quite so fully because they'd opted for the fitted sheet. You know how elastication can restrict the leg movement? Trust me on that one. There was a very moving bit at the end

where... What with the sheet? The main character had a revelation where he realised he could take the sheet off. So he took it off and looked around at the beautiful world. He could change the sheets, basically.

Yeah. That's what he realised. Not many of them did that in the sixth form. Yes. He looked around and go, oh, it's so beautiful of the world. And then looked out over the audience. said, but look at all the sheets.

Oh, I see. You know, really, they were all wearing sheets as well. And this made you a celebrity. For a day, yeah. So there you are. Anyone at a school who got famous for walking around in a sheet. Someone has texted in to say, I let 12 chickens loose in the headmaster's office, which I laugh. I think we'll come back to that way. Did I have a brilliant day last Saturday?

Oh, you had some good news, didn't you? Automatic promotion with three. games to spare. Yes, I don't mind if I do. It was great. I went up to Doncaster. There was me and Adrian Childs, the TV celebrity. And Matthew Taylor, who's a mate of ours, and I don't think you'll mind me saying, he was once head of the Labour Party's policy unit. Wow. He's one of the cleverest men I've ever met. It's honestly like hanging out with an enormous Wikipedia. He knows everything. And we're on our way to the game, and we got a phone call. from a guy we know who works for the Albion

called Simo and he said one of the players needs some flowers he said he just needs one flower really. He said he really needs just one flower so if you pass any flowers or anything can you just grab one? So we ended up stopping

on the dual carriage by safely can I say and Matthew had to get out and pick a daffodil oh that must have been a nice flower Yeah, so we could take, we have no idea to this day what it was about. Really? Yeah, I don't, why would you need one daffodil before an important football match?

He's addicted to flowers, he needs to eat flowers before going on the pitch. I resent that remark. You'll be sued by Gabriel Tamas. No, you know, that kind of thing. You say we've got a problem, a daffodil problem at the album. It's people like you, you see, with a little casual remarks. Anyway, we had a fabulous time. But it all ended well.

Oh, I'll say, you know what we did? Or has it ended well, Frank? I think so. Well, I don't know. I worry, you see, your happiness does mean a great deal to me, I have to say. And I do worry about you being promoted now, because to me, that's like going out with the really good-looking guy. You're spending your whole life, it's on living on credit, waiting for them to dump you. Isn't it better to hang around in the lower reserves?

I think what it's like is when you're in the championship, the lower of the two divisions, it's a bit like, You know, when you see someone you're really fancy, and then you think, well, I wonder if I can. And then you get them, right at the end of the season, you get them. And then it's like when you're in the premiership, it's like being an abusive relationship. You don't know what mood they're going to come home in. You know, you might get your head robbed up the wall.

All that kind of, that's what it's like. So, you know, that's one of part of life ups and downs. But we did have KFC on the way to the game, and then because we got promotion, we had KFC on the way back. So I ended up having two three-piece dinners. Oh, yeah. Well, when you don't drink, you have to celebrate in other ways. Your skin must have looked great afterwards.

Oh, it was fantastic. And that little string bow tie I had with a white beard. I don't know where that came from. But, oh, man, I absolutely KFC'd through the window. It's cold, Frank's Christmas, radio days. I don't know days as a stupor. A me days, as in a seven-for-a-week-old, this is a take-not a glooper.