The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner Radio Days: Pork Pie Punch Up

Episode Date: June 24, 2026

It’s 2014 and it’s awards season! The team discuss various awards flops and Frank’s not-so-award-winning gig hosting the BRITs. There’s also chat about fights over a pork pie, and some other petty disputes. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Frank's King is ready or days, it could go. I had, well, basically my voice had gone. You can probably still hear the vapour trail of my illness. Yeah. So, yeah, I spent much of the week, well, gargling. No. I saw two different doctors accidentally. They just happened to come to the stand-up show I was doing.

And they came backstage after and said, your voice sounds terrible. but you should gargle soluble aspirin. So that's what I did. They both said the same thing. That's good. Yeah. If one of them had said gargle soluble aspirin

and the other had said, whatever you do, do not gargle soluble. That's a thing that other doctors say is terrible. For the first time in my life, and accidentally, I got, what could only be termed, the second opinion. Brilliant. Yeah.

So I did it. Although I bought, now here's the thing, I bought soluble aspirin, but it wasn't soluble aspirin. Oh, what was it? Now, it's either... Did you buy off some guy called Spider in less London? They've either changed the name of soluble aspirin

or there are variations on solubility. Right. But it was called dispersible aspirin. Oh, no way. And it knew it did what soluble aspirin did, but I did think, well, have I got the wrong... Does it spread a bit more? Do you know what I think that's like Calvin Classic pants?

Do you think? Yeah, it's not the real one. Oh, no. Was it cheaper? Yeah. We've given it away. I'll have to gargle it. Now, gargling, though, I've never gargled so much in my life.

Oh, welcome to my world. No, but I tell what I realised, I realised that there's a bit more to gargling than you might think. You think you just, you know, have some liquor to go, oh, there's quite a few techniques. That's a little thing that you did then, in it? If you gargle three times a day, it's a bit like, you know, the old outlaw is 20,000 hours.

Yes. By the end of the week, my gargling was, it's a bit like keepy-oppy gargling. But with liquid. I was really quite, I was doing all sorts of variations. I found that if you made a noise, you know, if you sort of went, oh, instead of just h, that it changed the bits of the throat that you were. Like a kazoo? Yeah, a bit like a kazoo.

I found that I've got a friend in Jesus was the ideal. You would. It seemed to cover... Yeah, it's true, though. It seemed to cover everything. So it's... How's the romantic side of your relationship with Kath going? Well, I didn't do it in the kitchen.

I went into the privacy of the title. Poor Cam. Poor woman. I think gargling, if there's any children, this thing, I think gargling is to... You know, when you, at school and you play the recorder, and then that point comes, if you're doing all right, the teacher says, I think you could switch to the claridette.

I think we gargling, someone... I'm worried where this is going. Someone could say, you know what? I think you're ready to yodel. Oh. The other thing I had was I had a really bad bat last week. Oh. That wouldn't have stopped me doing the show, but it was.

How bad was it? Well, put it this way. It was made worse by gargling. Oh. Because the arching of the bat. Yeah, yeah. We won't a terrible, vicious circle I found myself trapped in. How much do you watch?

So the, you have to arch quite a bit. Otherwise, he just, you know, yeah, I do. He does it lying on the floor and he goggles, just pulls his head back. He's got like a fountain of mouthwash that he goggles with. I can't gargle because I'm paranoid about the neighbours. I mean, I say that. I don't mind them seeing me taking the bins out in a rabbit onesie. But still.

None of that was a euphemism, by the way, this was. What you should do is do it in a fox onesy. So they think it's like a fox getting in the bins. Yeah, I just wear my urban fox pajamas. I spilled red wine on the rabbit ones. It was awful. Look like all shit down. Well, why would they mind the gargling there?

Just because it's a bit of an unpleasant sound. I'm going to tell you, Frank. You know, I don't feel that anymore. I feel it's an acquired skill. And why did the back, what was, why did the back affect the gargling that much, though? How bad is the back? Well, it's better now, but it was really.

And the trouble was, people would say to me, you know, what happened to your bat. And I'm in a point, I think, on the show, a while back, that when you get older, injuries don't come with an anecdote anymore. So people say, young people say to you, oh, bad back, what happened? And you go, nothing. I just, a bad back happened. I don't have an exciting. Oh, I had a couple of drinks that we're trying to get out of this wall. And these guys, there was these guys, and Giles said to me, oh, come on, it's some really good grass back at my house.

And then I fell off the... I don't have any of those. You just wake up and think, ow. That's how it goes. I'm still reeling from the idea of you having a friend called Giles. Well, that's somebody else telling the story. Well, Dudley. Obviously, but, yeah, so I had a cough and back.

Oh, thank. Coffinback. Yeah, I wrote the tales of Hoffman. That's the first ever Jacques Offenbach joke. I think there's been on Absolute radio. Yeah, I didn't get it. That's all right. You're just glad it exists.

Yeah. Yeah, if that's what you want. It's like not an experimental theatre. You don't have to enjoy it. I'm just glad it exists. There's strange tweets come in. I wonder how many times the cockerel will crow-ven diagram this week. Anyone else notice how often he says it?

Oh, really? No. Oh, is that one of your phrases, is it? Must be one of my go-to phrases. But the idea of the cockerel crowing has meant me think be worth watching him a gargle. Would it have an element of... It could feel self-conscious, goggling in front of you.

You would in front of me, because I know about gargling. Yeah, I'd be saying, oh, you're a bit low on the Larry. I think you're sounding a bit topy. Yeah. Yeah, you need to just take the edge off that. It's my advice. Well, you know, you watch the Winter Olympics, and you do get that sense.

If I really put some time in on any one of these events, I could meddle in four years' time. Yeah, someone got a gold after doing it for five years. That's not happening in the World Cup, is it? No, there's a lot of that going on. Vanessa May. Vanessa May, skiing. No, but thanks for the tip.

Yeah, exactly. Frank, you know what we haven't discussed this morning? There were lots of stuff. Well, the Brits and the Bafters. Oh, yes. Because it was awards week. You may have been at home in bed. Is it what they call the award season?

Very much so. Well done, for getting that right. Good. Caroline Scanlan has tweeted as, Please can the panel discuss the insightful comments from the Arctic monkeys at the Brits? Yes, well, in case you didn't see this, Alex Turner.

Oh, well done, thank. The old guy did good. I feel like I should be on a sort of petrol-powered lawnmower and dongueries at this stage. See, he called Alex Turner. That his name, that dude. Yeah, he got up with these monkey men. He did.

And he did now, to be fair. What do you feel of the monkeys? Well, I think, you know, they're all right. They're too busy singing to put anybody down. Yeah, well, that's true. They're not as good as those wonkeys. No. Let's get that right.

But they've adopted an Arctic role. Oh, things are different. Lovely. But he got up, and he was a bit different. He'd obviously written and learned a sort of slightly poetic speech, which I liked. Did you? Yeah, I'm a fan. I mean, let's face it.

You don't hear much poetry at the Brits. No. One thing, whenever I watch the Brits, I always think to myself, I'm really glad I'm in comedy. Do you? Because I find comedians to be bright, intelligent, witty,

and generally good-hearted people. The music business is a fool magnet. I don't think there's any debate about that. I mean, it is such a gathering of fools. One after the next. And... Did you just spend your time wondering what the collective noun is? Well, yes.

None of them paid any attention at school. A Brit a ward ceremony of fools. A Brit of fools, yeah. But so when he got... At least he did have... I mean, don't get me wrong, it was poetry that one might receive on a greetings card from a 15-year-old. Was it?

But even so, it was about rock and roll and about you can't... Rock and roll will never die. Which I think is a sentiment that may have been voiced before. But he didn't just come up and say, thanks very much. He did a bit of a poem, and respect to him for, you know, for at least doing that. On the night, you know, he was the Shakespeare of the evening. But then, this was, I think, the controversial bit.

Yeah. He had a, he was holding a microphone. He was. And he said, invoice me for the mic. And then he dropped it on the floor. Oh. Yeah. And I just think, you kind of thinking that.

young boys who like the Arctic monkeys all over Britain there will be grabbing the school microphone in assembly and saying, invoice me for the mic and a lot of them won't be that registered. That's true. The invoices will be... They might have their own car companies.

They'll be an administrative nightmare, the invoices. Yeah. So... The number of sure SM-58s that are going to be being invoiced for across the nation is going to be all. Good knowledge, Al. Thanks very much.

Do you know that made me quite attracted to you that you knew that brand of Mike? Because I don't know any Mike. I think on the night, relatively speaking, I thought they come out of it. Apart from the Mike thing, which is at the end of the day, public vandalism. Apart from that, they came out,

he did come out as someone who could speak if prodded. We've had an email in that I think displays some ignorance of the situation here. But dear Frank Emily and the Cockrayne, spelled incorrectly. The Cockray! Yeah, C-O-C-R-A-I-N. I don't know. That's one of the worst misspellings of it ever.

Oh, come on. People are joining in. Yeah, okay. I was wondering if any of you went to... Well, that's been said before it ended in tears. Yeah. I was wondering if any of you went to the Brit Awards this week, or if you watched it on television.

The email then goes on to slag off James Corden a little bit. I'm not going to read that bit, just because it's a bit mean. Anyway, he's now not doing it anymore, which leads me to my question. Dot, dot, dot. There is now a job vacancy for next year. I feel this show needs someone with confidence, a bit of age, and someone who could command respect from their audience with an added touch of humour thrown in for good measure.

Speak to my agent. Someone very quick-witted, also someone who loves music, and all of a sudden I was thinking of you, Frank. So, firstly, if you were asked to do it, would you? Secondly, if you didn't want to do it, why not? And who would you nominate? Well, the thing is, I have done it. And it didn't go that laugh.

So I'd done if they'd ask me back, to be honest. I think that's the first time that bit of music has ever been needed since I joined this show. I know, that's because I've stopped aging. I've sort of using it to fill some of the long pauses you leave. But no, would I do it again? That's a question, isn't it? Would I go back and think, hey, what a challenge? I can remember it so well.

Do you not want to go down memory lane? I remember it quite well, yeah. I can remember exactly the clothes you had on. Yes, I can remember that. The waistcoat, Union Jack waistcoat. Well, it was his shirt, actually. I had specially made Union Jack shirt. A silver satine effect suit.

It was, yes, yes. Well, it had to take quite a lot of sweat and something went on. And some blood. Can I ask your question, Frank? Why is the British so difficult? Why is it such an awful gig? Because the music business is a full magnet.

I might as well have walked out into a Friday night crowd in an average town. of drunken fools. Yeah. And started talking to them about the, the poetry of Philip Lark. But, you know, I can't, you can't always blame your cred. At the end of the day, it just went badly, misjudged and awful.

Oh, God, this is really backfire, doesn't it? No, right, when we first read it out. I'm just happy that some people have forgotten. It feels like we're in this psychiatrist's chair now. This is my favourite three minutes of radio ever. Yeah. Franks, the trivial days The Gays away in a vase

The day of the Triffids music Would be ideal for gargling, I imagine That'd be a tricky one Isn't that a reference to Emily appearing in that Oh, is it? Somebody that knows, I'm just assuming I think they're just suggesting that If you were to recreate that

Oh, because it's got that... I do too, but I thank you for reminding everyone of that It's good that I am your sort of audio IMDV, isn't he? We've also had, Frank, I'd forgotten about you presenting the bit. Brits, thanks for the reminder. The uncomfortable billiess feeling I had at the time has returned and put me off my bacon and egg party.

Yeah, imagine what my uncomfortable billiess feeling was like, don't come crying to me. Oh, Frank. It's all right. I thought you did a lovely job. Everyone has to have, you know, look at George Clooney and Monument Men. Yeah. What is it?

Everyone has that in their back catalogue. Yes. Well, of course, you know, he was in ER, wouldn't it? Let's not forget. He was great in ER. Yes. Strange conversation. You know there used to be an old black country joke when I was a lad? You're going to do ER? Do you know?

No, I know. Yeah. Okay, I won't do it. Oh, Frank. Oh, I feel really upset for him. I love you. I've got a bilious feeling. It's come back.

Hey, we need to talk about the Baffirs as well. Did you watch that? The other prince. That's more up your straza, Frank. Let's be honest. I did watch the Bafters. Did you like? The other prince was involved, wasn't he? Well, he was.

There was a terrible incident. Tinny temper. Tinny temper? Well, if he's going to insist on misspelling it, then he gets called Tinny. He's called Tiny. All right, Tiny Temper. He high-fived the future king. Well, he actually, to be fair, the Prince William high-fived him.

Oh, really? Oh, did it? Well, I don't know about that. No, I thought he got the high-five right, and Tiny Temper, sort of grabbed his hand. You know when you have that terrible combo, some one person's high five. He sort of grabbed the hand. Oh,

no. He grabbed the raised flat hand. Oh yeah. But also, how'd he been singing, you know when they go a bit dry your eyes, making it a bit balladdy? How'd you been doing one of those, but it was all of it all you sucker MCs? Yeah. I don't know if it was appropriate. No, it was. I loved the ceremony, though, I have

to say, because I like to see the frocks, you see. And for me... A lot of black frocks this Well, well spotted Alan Cockeran. Thank you, Cocker. A lot of black, and a lot of men wearing black and white and a black tie. Brangelina.

Black tie do. Brangelina, brandilina, pretty little thing. Brandelina dance. Brandenna sing. Brangelina sing was a girl I went to school with. Yeah. If they were friends of yours, you could have that one. They wrong you.

That could be like their ring coming's tone. That would. I imagine their ring is a pair. pair. Well, they dress as a pair. I think they show of phone. I always said worn one suit. One big sit, one big black tie suit.

One rabbit one zy. Walked in like madness, you know. Synchronized walking, that would be great. That time they embraced the humour of their relationship. What do you boys think of that as men? I felt the woman in the... Because they had matching tuxedos designed by Sallera. Sanorre.

No, this was someone else. I'm sure. What? I'm sure his was somebody else. Oh, dear. What happened to him? You've been drinking out of Anna Wintor's cop?

Well, I thought he looked magnificent and I was surprised when it said that she was 39 and he was 50. Brad Pitt's 50. Get away. He looks good. He looks amazing. Oh, hold on.

Oh, no. Hot off the press. Oh, he looked gorge. He looked good. Oh, yeah, Brad Pitt. Come to think of it. He's quite a good looking black. Gorge.

Yeah? Who knew? That's never struck me before. before, I must say. It really struck me looking at those pictures. You know what I don't know if I'd want to go on holiday with them?

Don't you? I don't know if they'd be sizzling conversation lists. I think they're quite bright. Do you? Yeah. What about Dame Judy? Do you still wear a file of...

Dame Judy had the tapestry scarf. Jenny Murray? Dame Judy looked absolutely furious. Not to be the best actress. I mean, honestly, I thought she's going to break a bottle on the table in a minute and say, do you bed.

I'll come anywhere near me with a street. She looked at all, as angry as anyone's ever looked about anything. Oh dear, well, you've got previous with her off to the Ivy, which I still think you misinterpreted that. She looked like she'd eschewed the offer of wine and said, actually, can I just have a sarsen's malt vinegar before they announced? This senseless feud has got to stop. I was offered rear of the year, the year before.

On a very similar note. The year before I won it, I was offered rear of the year. and I couldn't make the ceremony and they withdrew the offer and gave it to Richard Fairbreath. Did they? Yeah? What, is he, I'm too sexy?

Yeah. Hang on, hang on, hang on. Does he know that now? Oh, well, I don't think he listens. I imagine it's a light riser on a Saturday. Just don't tell him. Because that's not going to make him feel good. I think he's up late on a Friday night,

because of Fairbrose. He was dancing to high energy at 3 a.m. He was dancing to high energy at 3 a.m. I think we can safely say he won't. he won't be listening. Can I ask you a question about Richard Pairbrass? Not something I ever thought I'd say on this show. Does he wear the Trilby, if you know what I mean?

Does he have to wear the Trilby? Or was their choice involved there? Well, he was always bold? What's what I mean? Was their choice? Think, you can mullet over. Okay, thanks. Mollet over.

Yeah. Can I just say Prince William made a classic comedian's error? Oh, what's that? Well, if you're a comedian and you're on later in the bill, it's very wise to watch the earlier comedians because they're liable to do a joke, especially topical stuff. They're liable to do a joke, and then you'll do a similar joke later

when the audience feel that down. And very early on, Stephen Frye, one might say that Stephen Frye should have left this joke to Prince William. But anyway, he went on and said, Helen Mirren is here this evening, and she's with her grandson. And it was a joke about Prince William being there. And then Prince William came out after and said,

oh, the woman I should call her Granny. And you can tell that laugh was ha-ha-ha-ha rather than people think we've already had that. It was a bit someone laughing at Kim Jong-un's jokes. It's terrible. There used to be a comedian called Owen O'Neill. I remember he arrived at the... Oh, is the Irish?

Yeah, he arrived at the comedy store. and he was on before someone else. And they said to him, you're doing anything about Salman Rushdie? And he said, What can I do? Which I always liked. Hello, Frank, Emily and Alan.

I'm a long-time reader, first-time resident of Email Corner. There was some chat on the show a few weeks ago about stepping on things after Frank stepped on Duplo for the first time. Yes, I think I talked about my mate's auntie who stepped on a three-party. Poon plug, stepped off a cheer on to a three-pump plug.

Oh, yeah. This is a daily occurrence in my life as I work at a community centre with young children. However, this is nothing compared to what happened to me whilst I was working as a summer camp councillor in California. It almost needs a dun, dun, dun, there, doesn't it? I like this, that summer camp in California. It's gone very Charlie Brown. I was the only counsellor.

22 at the time. 22's not old enough to be a counsellor, isn't it? You don't know enough about the world to counsel, I don't think. I agree. I'm going to say it. living with a cabin full of 16-year-old girls, and we didn't often clean up after ourselves. This is a woman, is it? That's... This is Lindsay from Toronto.

Well, Lindsay, S-A-Y, so jury's out. Oh, okay. One day, while running out of the cabin, late for a program, I stepped on an upturned hairbrush with metal bristles that was lying on the floor next to my bed. The metal bristles pierced the sole of my shoe and went about an inch and a half into the bottom of my feet. foot. Wow. I fell to the ground and against better judgment, immediately attempted to pull the hairbrush out of my foot. It took two girls to accomplish this. I spent the next three weeks on crutches and had to be rushed to hospital for a tetanus shot and for a medical professional to examine the 10 to 15

puncture wounds on my foot. I would rather than ask them to pull it out, I'd say, can you put another one in the other foot? And can someone get Revelle's Belero up on Spotify? And I would have give them a glorious demonstration, and they, blah, with me lying full-stretched on the floor. With bleeding feet and two hair rushes sticking out of them. Yeah. Gross. It's interesting.

It doesn't, does it sound painful? I'm sure it is painful. Oh, yeah. Anyway, carry on. She says, thank, or she, probably, probably she, I think. Thankfully, I avoided infection and have lived another two years to tell my tale. Congratulations. I like the lack of total optimism.

Exactly. So far so good. Never will a metal bristled brush be tolerated in my presence again. Oh, strict. Thanks, Lindsay 24 Toronto. P.S. Bieber's homeland says hello. And Emily, you are a ledge. Oh, thank you very much. You are a ledge.

Yeah. He certainly got it, ledge. I'd imagine that if you stood on a hairbrush and it went through, you get that wad of, you know, that wad of hair. Oh, yeah. That'd be a nice cushion, though. Yeah. I'm wondering if this was how Nike airs were invented.

It's like that. Perhaps they were originally called spiky hairs. Yeah. And then someone said, we can't really sense by saying. You know, I have so much of that lying. I spend all day doing that, getting it out of hair brushes. Yeah. I could actually stuff cushions with the amount of hair that I gather.

If you gathered it, you could sell it for wigs. Oh, yeah. Horse hair, isn't it? Oh, yeah. How dare you? Horse hair in wigs. Horse hair. Well, for horse wigs. No, it's...

Isn't it horse hair that they use? Emily will know. You know they used horse hair in wicks? What are you talking about? I thought they used horse hair in wits. No, they used real people hair. Did they? We'll discuss it off of hair.

Oh, okay. Yeah, it's quite a big, quite a big business. Real people hair winks. Is it? Oh, God. I've got a business card somewhere. It's cold friends, Christmas, radio days.

I don't win days as it's stupid. I'm mean days as in the sevens of a week, so this is a tamed. We should move on to a story that has caught my eye. Oh, I'm making the sound of this. Very close to my heart. Very, and diamond on Sky News. Well, it might not when I start reading it.

Okay. It's, I'm tempted to say, have you heard the one about? But it's not a joke. It's absolutely true. There was a wedding brawl. You should say I am reminded of me. West Yorkshire, which began over a pork pie. Police were called.

Couples' wedding celebrations were interrupted by a brawl that his thoughts to have started over a pork pie. And 30 or 40 guests were involved in the disturbance. There was a big fight. I like that you're using the disturbance. My favourite quote in it is the bride was devastated. Her dress was ruined. She had a lovely big white gown and it had beer and WKD all over it.

That's like when I stayed in the Arsenal Team Hotel. Oh, is it? Yeah. She had a lovely big white gown. I don't think that's ruined. surely that's somewhat improved. Someone could have slurped down, couldn't they? They don't wear them again, I don't know.

They had the big white counts. No, but someone... Well, it depends. My mate who's really into coffee, he quite often asks for a pour-over. Your mate's really into coffee? George Clooney. Yeah, that's right.

Me and George Clooney go away back. He was in, always and everyone with me when I played Jason the Asthmatic. But, you know, my mate who's really into coffee, he has pourovers. Have you heard about that? What's that? They basically pour it through, like,

muslin cloth or something. But this could be like an alcohol... Is he strung out? He's all strung out on caffeine. This could be like an alcohol version where you pour beer and WKD through a wedding gown and just slurp it off. I see. It might be quite nice.

It might be a nice ritual on the wedding night to drink stuff straighting through the wedding row. Lovely. What was the dispute about the port-pire? Well, I don't know, but can I tell you, the groom? I told you don't get to. Trellies top. Frank, the groom had a shaven head. And we know where we stand on these shaving-headed people.

I'm all right with shaven-headed people. I bet there was an entire table that was just devil-dog sitting on that arm. We're just dog food on that table. That's my theory. I've been trying to get to the bottom of what happened in this fight. Frank. And apparently it all started with a water pistol and then a pork pie got thrown. I didn't realise it was a thrown pork pie. I thought the whole thing was about the wrong pork pie.

Somebody going, I asked for garla pie, you know, the one with a slice of egg in it. Why would anyone fall out over carbs? Awful. Port pie isn't mainly protein, surely. Oh, have you seen a pork pie recently? There ain't much meat in it? Yeah, I think you're taking the word pork very literally. There's a lot of pastry.

If someone throws a pork pie, there's going to be trouble, isn't there? Yeah. They're looking for bother. Well, you know that shaven-headed groom that I spoke of earlier for some contempt, even though I've never met him. Cerning Barakloff. It's a good northern look, isn't he? His quote was, it was a brilliant day.

You've got to expect to punch up at a wedding. Yeah, he took it well. A little insight into his soul there. This wedding, they did essentially fall out over carbohydrates. Yeah. With a small amount of protein in it. Which is a curious thing to have a row about. Whether they rowed over it or whether it was because someone threw it,

I don't know. As it says in the article, they had been drinking since 2pm, which it says as if it's that remarkable. And I think, yeah, it's a wedding. That's a late start. What happened? Did they sleep in? Yeah.

And the other thing, when I used to go to weddings as a young man, we were just topping the amount of drink we've had the night before, which people now stagnates happen like three months before. Yeah, there's no element of danger attached to them. It's depression. Yeah, and you don't get that long stream of urine coming from the back of the church. people used to go around the back of the church and it used to all come around

and it's on all the wedding photos of the 1970s it's where people have been to the side of the church and then all the eerie-ness run round to the front as if like an enormous train of urine coming from a mystery bride who's waiting in the wings I love 70's wedding all those women with terrible hair

that's true of course but Frank when I read the story I did think I don't take this wrong way but it did remind me of you a bit because no but you do do tend to, you do get sort of knocked over little things, don't you? I do. No, but you do sometimes, man.

Who was it? Who texted in once and said you are, you must have a bit of a gift. You're a bit of a gift. Yeah, I had to, I was in Paris. Oh, how are we going to keep you down on the farm? Yeah, and, um, and my, uh, my, uh, girlfriend said, Katz said to me, uh, so what Connor was your, what's the natural call? of your hair. I said, well, we can't see, can you? She said, well, no, it's just, it's grey now.

And I said, well, it's not all grey, is it? She said, yeah. And I said, no, you, no, you can still see, you can still see some of the original. She said, no, it's completely great. Some of the original, like the original band line up. And I, I thought, I, I remember thinking to myself, as she had a mental breakdown. And I honestly thought, and this is true, it's, terrible now looking at. I said to her, you know, I am afraid to sleep with you tonight in case you put a knife to him my back. I think you've had a metal breakdown. And she said, I can't believe you said that. I have to say, I'm with Cath on this.

I know, but I'm not saying, look, neither of us were blameless. No. But I'm just, I said, look, this is difficult because I sound like I'm getting upset because you're saying I've got loads of great hair. But I'm just getting upset with the facts. You can see. I mean, bear in mind, this was five years ago, or more. Right.

It was even more of my natural collar showing than there is. Why didn't you go up to a Parisian and ask their opinion? Well, we were in, this was late. This was late at night. M'Ha-Vu? So she got me to text three friends, a text which we both agreed on, which was not a leading question, Your Honor.

And I texted at about 11 o'clock. at night, I texted three friends. You didn't. Completely out of the blue. What colour is my hair? You didn't. Yeah. I noticed not me. No. Because you know you'd get a big bite of the reality sandwich. And then we wait. But, you know, I know there's a lot of grey in it, but you can see, can't you?

The original colour. I think I'm at the wrong side for this. I'm seeing a lot. Anyway, you could six years ago when we had... Six years ago, I would definitely have seen real... When we had this argument, real. ...coloured hair. Real colour of hair. So we had text started coming back.

They all said the same sort of thing, sort of mousy blonde. Right. With quite a lot of grain. Did they only meet these people? So why on earth are you asking me this? I think some of them did add that as a post-cript. I think if I received that, I would just think,

God, holidays are boring when you don't drink. I think that they're sending out texts about what hair colour they've got. They should be drunk in a bar in Paris, surely. I don't think I had got drunk. I now was both blind and had amnesia. But it was, that was a difficult. We split up on the strength of it. Did you?

Really? We did get... Oh, congratulations. Well done. Yeah, we got back together. The nice thing about having a petty round in Paris. It very much wasn't a petty row. Although it was a petty row.

It was a row. Roe Gronde. Tune in next week for more puns in French. Yeah. Yeah. I felt out with a friend, actually, I should say it, and didn't speak to her again. Honestly true.

Because we both liked Adam and the Ants. And I think you have to make a decision who likes who. That's fair enough. Yeah. She was adamant. Root one. What was she adamant?

Everyone has their cross to bear. I went for Terry Lee. Mm-hmm. Okay. Which I thought was a more... I don't know. I didn't think you even ate cheese. I thought a slightly more intellectual choice.

Whenever... That's like fancy in David Badeo over Rob Newman, isn't it? No, but it is. It's when someone has got a more sort of, you know, alternative... Well, I think David Bidil's much better looking. Alternative taste. Well, there you go. That's because you have alternative taste.

I don't think anyone would argue with that. Anyway, I went for Terry Lee. And fair's fair. We all know where we stand. Then Adam starts getting a bit too famous. She doesn't like it. She decides she likes Terry Lee. Oh, no.

And she announced it in front of a room full of... And she said she announced hers first. So suddenly you look like a plagiarist. Yeah. She said, like Terry Lee. I said, no, you don't! I got really upset. I bet you did.

And I've never spoke to her again. I think that one's all right. Do you? That's fair enough. It's not petty. That's fine, yeah. Are you a petty man, Alan? No, but I seem to have a pettiness area.

that is in-car hygiene because I spend a lot of time driving and so I'm trying to get the car clean. I don't know if you remember, I said that I was going to laminate the rules of no eating in the car on the show. You're going to laminate the car interior? I thought you were going to laminate Mrs. Cockrell. No eating in the car rules.

The very next day my wife said I'm going to give the kids a croissant each. I mean, the croissant. That's ridiculous. That's just a crumb machine. So I've on occasions taken photographs of in-car mess. I've heard that. I've heard that. My wife left some chewing gum in a wrapper in like the little well in between the car front seats. Oh, I'm familiar with it.

Where you'd put a pile of change. Just a piece of chewing gum on top of it. I took a photograph. I took a photograph and sent it and just said, a new low dot, dot, dot. Did you? So I think it brings out a pettiness in me, the car, car hygiene. You know what, I think you're right. Yeah, I think I'm in the right.

We've had an email in. I should explain, Frank. In your absence, Emily started a somewhat different type of text and email in. Oh, no. You know, when you're here, we do stuff like, Have you ever had a row over a port pie? It's now changed somewhat to, have you ever been on a private jet? No.

Can I correct, chenie, were you last on a private jet? When we last on a private jet? Get it right. Dear Frank, Emily, Alan and Steve, if halls in the house, Just a quick note to reassure, Emily, that some of your readers do have some private jet tales. After my first ever hitch, brackets, trip, apparently that's what it's called, on an oil rig in the Sahara Desert in Algeria finished. Myself and a co-worker were sent back to the main town of Hasseme, Messoud.

Messoud? I don't know, but I'm glad he's reading this email, not me. I did wonder, to wait for the next flight home, which was planned to be the following day. This was on the oil company's private jet, a G2, which seated around 10 to 12 people. Oh, and I know those ones. Oh, yeah, me too. However, as we arrived at the airport from the rig,

we noticed the jet we expected to take the following day was on the ground. It had made a special flight out with some equipment. Had it arrived oily? Yes. Ah, very good. Lovely. I love that, thank.

You're right. Just laughing. I thought someone was draining a radiator for a second there. I bet someone is? Probably. Somewhere. It's very absolute radio listener to drain a radio. It made a special flight out with some equipment,

which meant the two of us were the only passengers, plus the pilot, co-pilot and steward. A grand leather seat each and as much San Miguel as we wanted for the two-hour flight to Madrid. But it on a private chair. Sounds brilliant. I remember thinking that trips home don't get any better than this, and nearly 20 years later,

composing this from an office on a rig in the North Sea, they certainly haven't. Wow. Sadly, commercial reality set in from Madrid to London, and we had to get back in line and turn right for the rest of the journey home. That is all, Jeff. Now, I think that's an amazing email, not just the private jet journey, but the bit where he says,

composing this from an office on a rig in the North Sea, I had a moment of going, wow, we've got listeners on oil rigs. It's amazing what they can do now, isn't it? When he said an oil rig in the Sahara Desert, yeah. So he's been in one in the Sahara Desert, one in the North Sea. That must be a different sort of experience. He gets about, don't he?

He'd be nice for me, yeah. I've got to sonbathe on that way. I've had a couple of private jet experiences just lately. Have you? Yeah, it's an age thing, I suppose. What happened? I wet myself. Absolute, absolute radio.

Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio. We need to talk about my damaging levels of mind-wondering. What's happened? Well, I changed car last week, so I've been spending a lot of time searching for a replacement car for my old vehicle. Can I just say to you before you do this? The way you've got your headphones on is you've forced a sort of a... I've got a bristle. You've forced the spike.

You look like a novelty lighter. Oh, good. You've just got a little pointy flame, like a bit of hair sticking off. I tell you what, you look impish. I'm enjoying looking impish, because I don't think it's something I often look. I think I'm mostly look gormless or gangly. Good reference. Andy Impe.

Well done. I don't get the amp... Andy, I don't get anything today, do I? I'm not sure it's Great Radio if we talk about how I look, though. I'm sorry. When has that ever worried us? So I've changed vehicle. No one else seems to worry about Great Radio.

No, true. Frank's going to bemoans the state of radio. Not here, not absolute. We're the creme. I've been on the Auto-Trader app quite a lot, and then I've finally changed... Of course you have. I've finally changed vehicle.

If I said, someone on the show is going to say I've been on the auto try that. Who will it be? I love you. You're so normal. I've changed. I've changed a car. It's a weird mix. I am weird.

He's a weirdo. Get this for weirdo. I've finished with all that. I've changed the vehicle happy. And then the other day I caught myself spending quite a long time thinking, maybe I should get a motorbike. Why? I'm always on the train or in the car.

I should be spending time at home, but I actually had a look on AutoTrader at motorbikes and thought, well, I'm going to need to do the direct access course so that I can legally ride a proper powerful motorbike. Oh, you're not going to get a Harley. You know what, stopped it. Was it Dr. Fogg? I remembered that they need maintenance,

and I can't be bothered. Everything. I remember that they need a terrible personality to ride one as well. Remember that bit? I'm going to have to pump the tyres up. Please, I imagine. 805. Surely 85% of our listeners are.

a motorbike. I think you should have said that. We'll start getting textings now, saying people saying, oh, you should do the direct access motorist and then get a Honda CBF 600. I think you'd be a nice person and still ride a motorbike on a motorbike. I do. I know several people. Really? Elvis Presdina asked about. You're having to go back quite far

to dredge one off, aren't you? Eric is that, 1952? Barry Sheen. Oh, we've got up to about 1980. Very sheen. I just don't lie. Dave Bickers. Who? He was the scrambling.

Your motorbikes were quite trendy. They were a bit like horses. They were quite glamorous in the 70s and 80s. And then it died out, and it went a bit Harley Davidson, get your motor running. Dad in a denim jacket. I know there is an element of midlife crisis about it. There's no doubt about that.

You haven't been considering pointy sideburns. Maybe next week when I was a show. Pointy sideburns is the new BBC drama about gangsters in the West Midlands. It's just be careful, Alan. I'm not going to care. one, there's no point in telling me or they're dangerous and it rains a lot. Alan Partridge born to be wild. And also I live in the North West where it rains too much,

so I'd just inevitably be soaking everywhere. I just stayed off it. I daydream a lot, as I've fessed up on the show before. I have long and elaborate daydreams. On the toilet sometimes. Often on the toilet. Off and on the toilet? Yeah.

If I have one and be false. Yeah. Now, I've started listening to podcasts on the toilet. You know they say the smartphone is killing daydreaming? You know this theory? Yes, I think that's a very... People used to sit in daydreaming when they look at stuff. But my current one is that I enter...

I'm young again and I start playing tennis as a British tennis player. I get through the qualifying rounds to Wimbledon. You're young again. Yeah. Why aren't yours always like 1940s film plots? Well, because I can't... Who big dreams that? You can't enter British tennis age 57.

I wouldn't make any sense unless you're Andy Morris' mom. Anyway, I, um, so I turn up and I get, by a freaky thing, I've drawn against Raphael Nadale in the first round. Number one court, we don't make centre court because I'm non-seeded. And I beat him in straight set, he doesn't even win a game. And one of my things is that the outfits I wear, and the, and there's no sponsorship at all, I just get them from the market. Look at white sports. You like a plane.

White trainers from the market. So there's no sponsorship. I've even sanded the, I wooden racket and I've sanded it so there's no round. Wooden rackets. Nice. So, yeah, so it's a daydream about glory, but in a way it's a daydream about,

I daydream about being humble. That's what I do. Humility and glory, that's really. Your daydreams have got titles. Exactly. Humility and glory. Exactly. It's Wimbledon.

I daydream about walking into a dinner party wearing a killer coat. Nice. I'm afraid that's it. Do you daydream about that? I imagine people going, oh, that coat looks amazing. Oh, isn't Emily lucky? I day. I honestly dream that people say that.

I'd love her life because of the coat. Just because of the coat. Yesterday I was daydreaming about turning up at the Brits with a backpack flamethrower. And then saying, okay, just invoice me for Alex Turner. We've 10. I can't know my radio shows and done a bit of editing and tightening. It's a walk-down memory layer and I find new things.