The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner's Radio Days: Anchovies

Episode Date: June 25, 2025

We're still in 2009 for our look back at some of the best bits of Frank's radio shows. This time Sandy Mason is in the studio, there’s a text-in about your silliest arguments, Frank’s met a megastar and our first ever jingle. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Whether it's a family member, friend or furry companion joining your summer road trip, enjoy the peace of mind that comes with Volvo's legendary safety. During Volvo Discover Days, enjoy limited time savings as you make plans to cruise through Muskoka or down Toronto's bustling streets. From now until June 30th, lease a 2025 Volvo XC60 from 1.74% and save up to $4,000. Visit your GTA Volvo retailer or go to VolvoCars.ca for full details. This episode is brought to you by DZONE. For the first time ever, the 32 best soccer clubs from across the world are coming together to decide who the undisputed champions of the world are in the FIFA Club World Cup. The world's best players, Messi, Holland, Kane, and more are all taking part.

And you can watch every match for free on Dazone, starting on June 14th and running until July 13th. Sign up now at dazone.com slash FIFA. That's D-A-Z-N dot com slash FIFA. Hello and welcome to another episode of Frank Skinner's Radio Days. We're still in 2009, I'm still joined by Emily Dean and our much missed friend Gareth Richards. The best bits you're about to hear include, and I'm reading this off a list, I'll be straight with you, Sandy Mason in the studio. Sandy Mason is my mother-in-law, she was my mother-in-law to be then but She she can talk a text in about your silliest arguments, which I think had been inspired by an argument

I'd had with my partner. I don't remember which one it was, but she'll have it in a journal of arguments carry on bananas I was but she'll have it in a journal of arguments. Carry On Bananas, I don't think that is a film title but I don't know what it is. And finally, Anchovies on Pizza, which I suspect refers to the fact that I think if a pizza doesn't have anchovies it shouldn't actually qualify as a pizza we'll soon find out thanks for tuning in enjoy this is Frank Skinner on Absolute Radio I'm with Emily and I'm with Gareth who's pointing at his headphones and panicking can't you hear me Gareth? I can, I can hear you perfectly now. I thought you were bluffing. And we've also got Sandy Mason is in the studio.

Now some of you at home might be thinking, well I'm pretty old fay on celebrities and stuff. I don't know Sandy Mason. Sandy Mason is my girlfriend's mom. But she's here today. And she's the first person in the studio that's ever had a round of applause yes because the guests never get one the guests proper that's so welcome Sandy and she's in the distance we're not giving her a microphone you never know all people they might say something very very right wing and get us into trouble but basically I've got it today because we can't leave it on her own so it's like when people take the dog to work it's a bit like that.

We've got a tray down and a bowl of water, everything will be alright. So it's slightly awkward because when Sandy said can I come into the studio I thought that would be lovely. And then just before, because Sandy's staying with us aren't you at the moment when I say us I live with Sandy's daughter I'll be I'll be completely upfront about it she knows and just before we went to bed last night Sandy's daughter is called Kath and me had a big row yeah am I are we allowed to ask what about you can't what happened was that I was on Have I Got News for You last night, right? Oh I always row about that as well, I was on the boyfriend.

I suppose there'll be lots of people texting in saying we have so many Have I Got News for You rows, hidahos. And anyway, I'd watched it and Kath came in, she was out, and she said, oh I got a text from someone about the show and I got a bit excited, you know, it was a bit of praise. And we all need encouragement. And she said, yeah it's from Matt and he says, Saw Frank, I never got news for you, loved his outfit.

Now to a comedian. That is like a hard punch in the stomach. Don't you agree Gareth, you're a comic. Obviously no one's ever sent a text that said Saw Gareth loved his outfit. No, that's never happened. I think it's very difficult whatever people say. Like if people say to me, oh I like that particular piece of material, I think, oh well what was wrong with the rest of it? Well exactly. It's hard to comprehend me. We're a very sensitive lot. So it wasn't a massive row. So was your argument with Cathy, bearing in mind that she didn't actually write the text, I'd like to point out here, was your argument with her that she shouldn't have raised it

with you, she shouldn't have read it out to you? All I said was, you know, I thought that was a little bit insensitive. That was all I said. I mean, I said it in a slightly right, perhaps we should get Sad Dude for a new job, no, don't want to do that. Why cause more trouble? And then Kath, oh I mean, I don't want to go into it, she really had a go at me for no reason. And so we had a big row. But I feel, well I learnt a little technique yesterday, I was watching

Sky News, right, and do you know that thing about when Frank Lampard phoned into a radio station this week because a bloke had been criticizing him about his relationship? And one of the things that was very unfortunate about this DJ having a go at Frank Lampard was it happened to be the anniversary of Frank Lampard's mom dying, which obviously he's going to be really upset on that day. But he was being interviewed by Kay Burley on Sky News, the DJ, and she said, yes, don't you think it was really insensitive

to say on the anniversary of Frank Lampa's mom's death? And he said, well, of course he said, but you know, I don't have that date in my death diary. He said, do you, Kay? And she said, I do, actually. And I thought, well, you don't'm do you okay and she said I do actually and I thought well you don't do you? What a brilliant technique to just mid-argument to just lie so blatantly that the other person is taking her back because what was brilliant she said it was such confidence that Blay thought might she actually have that? Unless Heat magazine do diaries now, that like, you know you have like the Saints days

in like printed in the diary, you can get a Heat magazine diary that's just got all the celebrity dates you would ever want in Freak Day. But this was in Kay Burley's desk diary, so I think she liked it. But anyway, I didn't have to lie last night. And of course we went off and we went to bed and made up and it was all lovely and I just want to make it clear that everything's fine with me and my girlfriend who I love very much. However, if any of you have had, when I say any of you, I'm not just talking to Emily and Gareth now and Sandy Mason, I'm talking to the nation. Well, about seventeen of them. If you want to text in what the worst thing you've ever had a row

about, the stupidest thing you've ever had a row about, not the worst thing, but I'm reassured by the fact that apparently in the UK couples on average have 156 arguments a year. Wow. There's nothing. What? You're right, yeah, I was quite pleased. Oh, come on. Oh, no, I can remember

arguing with a boyfriend once about Brian from Big Brother, which is quite a weird thing to argue about. I mean, when I say it was proper slamming doors, didn't speak for about a week. Brian Dowling, the Irish guy. From Big Brother. Because he hadn't heard of Neil Armstrong. And I just said, well, I don't think that's great because his argument was, Brian's argument, not my boyfriend at the time, was, well I wasn't born then. And I hate people that say that.

Yes, I agree with that. That's people who have confused the word history with the word memory. Yeah. Yes, I mean I know who Hitler was, I wasn't born then. Exactly. That's how much research I've done. Yeah, it's about that. If anyone doesn't listen. It's bad that anyone doesn't listen because doesn't obviously if anyone doesn't listen there's no point talking to them. If anyone

doesn't know Neil Armstrong is because they weren't born then he's the first man on the moon. Exactly. So I just said I didn't think that was a very intelligent thing to say and my then boyfriend said oh we can't know me as bright as you because he obviously spoke in that voice. Yeah, OK, right. And so it was a huge, huge bust up. And all I remember was it ended with me saying, you can say anything you like about me, but you can't call me a snob.

To which he said, I can say anything I like about you. OK, you've got a fat bum. Oh, how did that go down? And well, they still haven't found the body of things. I didn't see him for about a week after that. So, yes, so there we go. An argument about Neil Armstrong, the first see him for about a week after that. So, yeah, so there we go. An argument about Neil Armstrong, the first man on the moon.

I like that. Well, yeah, I think Laura, my wife, she saves up arguments for car journeys. I think she finds it entertaining me getting angry about something. So she saves up things to argue about on car journeys. And things like, she once said on a car journey um that you only ever breathe out of one nostril at a time when she says you was that advice or was that you only ever breathe out one nostril at a time no oh it's a fact about people yeah a made-up fact that's not a that's not real

she reckons it human beings only ever breathe out of or in of one nostril at a time. It's funny you said that because when Chris Evans had that TV chat show on... That was a Friday and slip. On Sunday nights, I remember he had Billy Piper as his first guest and he suddenly said, tell us one interesting fact and that was what she said. So your wife, in fact, was ripping off Billy Piper. and that's what she said so your wife in fact was ripping off Billy Piper.

We're asking people to text in and tell us what the stupidest thing is they've ever argued about. So far Emily's winning in that she had an argument about Neil Armstrong, the first man on the moon. You're probably not the first but I imagine that Boz Aldrin, the second man on the moon, I bet on some occasion he said to some woman, am I the first but I imagine that Boz Aldrin the second man on the moon I bet I've been on some occasion he said to some woman am I the first and she said no that was Neil Armstrong and he's absolutely blown off and gone crazy so did I stop you with Prince mid anecdote or was the nostril was that the story? No that was just it was just that Laura I think just makes up.

This was an example of her deliberately trying to start an argument by saying you breathe through one nostril, you're touchy. She doesn't really get annoyed by it because it's so clearly not true, but I get annoyed and she enjoys winding me up basically. But why do you get annoyed by that? It's an interesting piece of information about the human. It's not true though, there is no way that you only breathe through one nostril at a time and there's no way to prove that in a car. That's the problem about that. Unless you lie like Kay Burley. Yes, I look in my diary, it says in my diary, definitely breathe through nostrils at the

same time. We've had a couple of emails already, they're food related so far. Are they people saying shut up and just play music and make it a radio show? No, actually, on topic, on topic. Karen from Newbury, my boyfriend and I had our first row after six months together over stuffing the turkey cavity at Xmas. Whole family got involved and took sides. I mean, I think that's... Sides of the cavity? I'll have the heart section. Involved in the argument. Oh, I really want to know more about that.

I do. What was the disagreement, Kate from Newbury? Sounds quite shameless. I like the sound of that. I imagine it was kind of disagreement Kate? Sounds quite shameless, I like the sound of that. I imagine it was kind of saying an onion and someone said oh can I not have any onion in my stuffing and it was a long elaborate thing with tweezers. That's how I'm seeing it going. Debbie, I had a row with my husband about an omelette, I said his was scrambled egg in a pan, not a proper one, this row went on for hours till I looked up in a cookbook We were both right. His was an omelet and I made a Spanish one, which was more fluffy Argument if you have to look something up

Well, the internet has solved a lot of arguments. I think the fact that we have a lot of facts that that Yeah at our fingertips nowadays, but you'll be interested to know, Gareth, that not everyone's arguments are about facts, strange facts. They're about things that have happened to them personally. You're quite unusual in that you'd argue about whether one breathes through nostrils or not. I know, I often do that in arguments. Look up, you know that AQA thing? That number you can text and it will give you the answer to everything and anything. Yes. there's many a time I stood there go let's just find out

And then I text the number and you wait There's a terrible wait while the answer comes through. I had a big row with a woman once and I said to her I said, you know, our problem is we've only got one thing in common Me and you we both are in love with you and Then she came to come back at that and I said no hold on a minute that was a good lie I stopped the argument to save at that point I was doing a review of my own argument. Oh dear so yes so apparently according to the internet I'm gonna be in the new carry-on film which is called

carry-on bananas. Really? Yeah well no I I'm not I'm very happy for that lie to be out there you see you know people say I read something about me in the paper it wasn't true that does happen but sometimes they're quite good lies which I'm happy to let go like I went to the premiere of yes man the the Jim Carrey movie and in the star the next day it said that Jim Carrey had come over to me and said I'm a massive fan of yours. Let's go out partying Well, I've never met or spoken to Jim Carrey in any way But obviously I wasn't gonna say how dare you suggest that Jim Carrey is a big fan of mine I'm also laughing at the idea of you going out partying

Yeah, I imagine I'd be very... I don't actually drink or... I don't know if he does that, he probably doesn't does he Jim Carrey? No I suspect he's quite a good person. So yeah, it'd probably be quite a dull night out with Jim Carrey in some ways, but obviously I'd be... give me something to talk about on here. We've got a jingle by the way. Can you believe it? Have we? Yeah. This is our first ever jingle on the show. Hold on, see what you think. That's the morning! Is that a camera? That's what Gareth shouted last week.

And I thought, it just sounds like the kind of thing. You can imagine someone saying, let's put the television on. We need some to root the television, the radio. Don't put the television on. It's obsolete. Put the radio on and say, well, let's really get cheered up. And they're here. That's a dim morning.

That will do it for me. Do we have any emails, Gareth? Yes, Ed Bowden said, I once split up with a girl after a row over mince pies. I love mince pies and I was trying to make her eat one at Christmas. She was a vegetarian and I told her mince meat was suitable for veggies, although I may have said tree huggers, as it is fruit and nuts. She was adamant it was meat. Why would it be called mincemeat? Was her argument.

That's a good point. When I marched her down to Sainsbury's to read the label on the jar of the stuff... I'm just saying marched her down to Sainsbury's. It gives me a lot of insight into the relationship. When I marched her down to Sainsbury's to read the label... Was this year in the Second World War? In Germany? This happened. Go on, carry on. In Germany this happens. When I marched down to St. Louis to read the label on the jar of the stuff to prove it wasn't some kind of shepherd's pie, I knew the relationship was doomed. It's when marching starts that things go wrong. Do you know what's an interesting insight though? We've asked for argument things. We've had three so far. two of them are about Christmas food yeah Christmas themed food stuff in Turkey some means but it suggests that

Christmas is a good yeah there's a lot of tension at Christmas and it all gets sort of imposed onto the food just projection I hate mince pies and you never loved me I think you're right this is great from Matt M from Wakefield me and my best mate had a huge argument in a pub. Oh no, sorry, that's the wrong one. Okay. That's hopeless. Was that the whole email?

Well, tell us it's hopeless. They've been good enough to... No, I can't read that one out. Well, don't read it out. No, no, I won't. I'm happy we had an argument in a pub. That's a better anecdote than I've heard in a songwriter at the old station. There are some shows that are killed for that.

Luke and Dudley did. That would be the tri-file. But that's a better anecdote than I've heard on radio stations. There are some shows that are killed for that. Luke and Dudley. That would be the trailer on some shows. Not here obviously, but on other rival radio stations. Dear Frank, as a child I had an argument with my best friend about who was more like the Beano character Roger the Dodger. more like the Beano character Roger the Dodger. One of us ended up in tears. Safe to say I won that one, Luke and Dudley. That's a beautiful story.

How could you hope to actually prove that though? I don't know, I just like the fact that Roger the Dodger summed up all they wanted to be as people, as children. They were so passionate about that they were the one who was more like them. I wish it had ended, needless to say I want RT Dodger Dudley. We've taken over radio shows and done a bit of editing and tidying. It's a walk down memory lane I know because people find new things quite frightening.

At Desjardins Insurance we know that when you're a building contractor, your company's foundation needs to be strong. That's why our agents go the extra mile to understand your business and provide tailored solutions for all its unique needs. You put your heart into your company, so we put our heart into making sure it's protected. Get insurance that's really big on care. Find an agent today at Desjardins.com slash business coverage. No Frills delivers. Get groceries delivered to your door from No Frills

with PC Express. Shop online and get $15 in PC optimum points on your first five orders. Shop now at at no frails.ca Can I just tell you before going further something very very excited happened to me this week But what I mean, I've met a few celebrities, but occasionally you meet someone who makes your whole skin go I don't know if your skin ever does that Anyway, I went to see waiting for Godot Which is a play case down there in in the West End and then we went to the party after and it was in this posh Hotel where there was like a swimming pool in the room Wow, and I'm frightened of water

So the smell of the claw is it chlorine or or chloride? Chlorine. Yeah. Chloride does something very horrible I think. I thought it was good for your teeth. One of them is good for your teeth. One drowns you. That's fluoride. Anyway, chlorine. Anyway, yeah. So we're in this thing, me and my girlfriend and on the opposite side of the pool there's this couple standing chatting and I said, hold on a minute minute, is that Paul McCartney? And she said oh yeah I think it is. And I went oh and I started slightly hyperventilating and I'm frightened of celebrities, I never go over and talk to them in case they don't know who I am and I make a terrible fool of myself. But I said if I leave here without

having spoken to Paul McCartney I'll never forgive myself. So I started walking over slightly oh god he's just going to say Paul McCartney. I know Paul McCartney. I'll never forgive myself. So I started walking over, slightly all gone, he's just gonna say. Paul McCartney. I know, Paul McCartney. Were you scared? I would have been so scared. I was just so excited. And I got about half way there.

Did you have to swim across? No, no, I had to. That was the one thing that would have kept me from it. That's what he should have done. He should have been on a lie-lo. Leave me alone, I don't wanna be bothered by people. That's what he should have been doing. You can come and see me in the yellow submarine if you want.

That's Ringo he wasn't there. Anyway I want to know. So anyway so I was half way there and he looked up and he gave me the distinctive Paul McCartney thumbs up and I thought that was me clapping by the way in case you were wondering what that was and and so I went over and man he spoke for about ten minutes I mean he tried to get rid of it but he couldn't. me clapping by the way in case you're wondering what that was. And so I went over and man we spoke for about ten minutes. I mean he tried to get rid of it but he couldn't. What did he say? He was just really friendly and lovely and there's something I'd read about him. Bertrand Russell, are you familiar with Bertrand Russell? He's one of the great philosophers. He wrote

The History of Western Philosophy and I'd read somewhere that Paul had gone around his house to talk to him and I asked him about this and I said how did that? He said oh someone just told me, they told me his address in Chelsea so I just went and knocked on his door to talk about philosophy. Not that he knew anything about it. He just sat me down and explained the British political system and I said it's great that that's what people did before Wikipedia. They just knocked on the doors of famous people and they spoke to them. But there was one terrible moment, I'm talking too much because I want you to know that Emily and Gareth are here and they're

a very very equal part of the team but I'm too excited to stop. This is Paul McCartney. There was a bit where when you're at these posters there's always people walking around with plates. I sent someone behind me and I thought, oh I am talking to Paul McCartney. And he said, do you want some of those Frank? And I turned around and I said, oh yeah I will. And it was, I picked up, there's a beef burger. And I thought, oh no it was a trap. He was obviously testing whether I'd ever be his best friend or not. And now I can't because I've picked up meat. But I said, I actually said, ooh, are you alright with this? Yeah, I ate it as fast as I possibly could. Oh man, it was, it was just... And did you meet Nancy as well? What's she like?

Nancy. That's the girlfriend, isn't it? Well, I spoke to her a lot but I didn't, I'm not as up on the showbiz and the partnerships as she is. She seemed very nice and at the end of it I was with my girlfriend and he says to me, so have you two got a baby? And I said no. I thought, God does he want one? I'll get you one, I'll get you one easily off the internet. And he said have a baby, he said you know, he said you've got to have a baby. And now I feel that we do have to have a baby because Paul Paul McCartney's... That's royal decree.

I think you have to. Yeah. And I'll call it Eleanor Rigby if it's a girl. What about that? But, worse still, another guy came up to me at the party. And he said, I noticed you standing with your back to me. Are you hiding? And I said, yeah.

No, I just, you know. And he said, he chatted and he said, so, how long you staying? And I said, well, probably going about 20 minutes. He said, no, no, I meant in the UK. And I said, well, I don't, you know, I don't know really, depends when I die. And he said, no, you're going back to South Africa and I thought oh I don't know he was talking to you like he knew you yeah he obviously thought I was someone else but I can't think who that would be was gonna go back to South Africa yeah who spends a lot of time there didn't mark that

I'm not saying you look like Mark that you think I was so bad I was barefoot by this date with just like little running shorts and a vest with a number on. Now I don't know who he thought I was. Did you put him out of his misery? No, I completely went. I said, now I'm sticking with dear old Blighty there. I mean, what was I talking about? Yeah, it was very...

I hate that when somebody thinks you're someone your aunt or you think that... Oh, it's horrible. I had a bad experience of that once. Do you remember a band called A1? Yeah, oh God, yeah. Yeah. You don't really. I do remember A1, yeah. Was it Ben on Celebrity Big Brother? Yes, that's the one. It was him, in fact, the story involves.

And it was a party, and this was a long time ago. This was at least 10 years ago, so I was about 27. Thought I looked quite nice that night. Thought I looked quite nice that night. And he was, you know, not that much younger than me. I'm chatting away to him. And this woman walked over and she went, Oh my god, I know who you are!

And I thought, oh, she obviously thinks I'm Ben's girlfriend. And I said, really? And she said, yeah, it's you, isn't it? And I went, oh, who? And I kind of blushed and she went, You're Ben's auntie, aren't you? Oh, no. I don't know.

How horrible is that? But you can have a young auntie. Oh, yeah. Yeah, but you know, the word auntie. It's not what you want to hear when you're chatting to a good looking guy. No, not when you're chatting someone up. No.

I mean, yeah, but no one ever says that to Demi Moore. You know Demi Moore. Are you Ashton's auntie? Because She's going out with Ashton Kutcher isn't she? Sorry. You've been hanging around with Emily a bit too. I've got to tell you I've got a bad back, right, which is a very bad thing for a DJ to say because we're supposed to sound as young as we possibly can. And I'll tell you how I got this bad back. How tragic is this. I had a bad shoulder and I went to see a physiotherapist and she gave me some exercises to do for my bad shoulder and the exercises have given me a bad back.

God help me! And Paul McCartney who is what is he 67 was an absolute brilliant Nick. The phone in this morning, I'm calling it a phone in in a professional way, is have you ever been involved in a mistaken identity? So Kirsty says her cousin of mine apparently chatted with someone at length thinking it was me. She's in Leeds, I moved away years ago and she's asking this girl what you doing back, where you living? The girl was very confused and my cousin had to regal out of it. It is, I met someone at a gig one night and he said, the thing is if people come and say

how you doing Frank, they could just be people who've like seen me on stuff or whatever. So I said how you doing and then he mentioned a couple of people who we both knew and I thought oh he does know me, I don't know who he is. I ended up going for a meal with him and his wife and two friends. I spent the entire evening and I've never to this day worked out who he was. You're joking. I reckon if you wanted to go up to a celebrity and you could, you can hoax them because no one wants to say I'm sorry I don't know who you are so you just go with it. You could go oh man you can end up living with Kate Moss.

What is the best job in the world? That's what I'd like to know. The best job in the world? That's what I'd like to know. The best job in the world? See, it could be this, couldn't it? This has got to be up there. But there was a bloke on telly this week who was actually wearing a t-shirt saying the best job in the world because he got supposedly the best job in the world. That's right. And he's like the caretaker of the barrier reef. So a caretaker is the best job in the world.

Caretaker of the barrier reef. I imagine him being one of those brown coach caretakers where bringing in a big tray of toilet rolls and some Vim. Some school milk as well. Exactly, yeah. And having to put sawdust on some sick in the barrier reef. He's getting a lot of money though isn't he? 74 grand for six months work, that's not bad. But what, if you're the caretaker of the barrier reef, what do you do? Just keep an eye on the coral levels. He has to feed the fish, he has to open mail. You don't have to feed the fish in the barrier reef. They should have that fend for themselves.

He's got to do snorkeling, isn't he? He's got to, I guess, just check that it's all still there. He's got to open mail. Have you ever been, have either of you two been to the barrier reef? No. No. It's not my kind of place. Would you like that job? No, no, life's a flip flop if you've got that job. And I don't like that.

You know, I don't like water. I'm not keen on the beach. I don't like the beach, I don't like water. Oh, you miserable pear. I can't swim, I don't like water. Oh you miserable pear. I can't swim on frightened water. If I was in a barrier reef I'd just be in my caretakers hot thinking oh god I can't go outside I might get drowned. So we went for a pizza didn't we, locally in central London. I know not everyone listening to this show is in London, most of them are in the West Midlands as far as I can work out.

Because we meet up for a chat before we do the show to talk about what we might talk about. Yeah, well we're friends, we've become friends, yeah exactly. Maybe. It doesn't exactly happen that way, but yeah. So we had a pizza and it has long been my view and I once saw one of the characters on Futurama say this and I thought that's correct that if a pizza doesn't have an anchovy on it, it isn't a pizza. So there was no pizzas in this place with anchovies but anchovies did feature in their side topping, their toppings sorry. So I said well I'll have the anchovies as an extra topping. And the waitress said, well, it won't actually be on top there, it'll

be on the side and it'll be cold. So I said, well, could you put them on the pizza and warm them up? And she said, no, they can't do that in case you're allergic. So the idea that someone who's allergic to anchovies would select that as their extra topping but they wouldn't put it on so I had to eat cold anchovies from a side pot. It was very misleading wasn't it because they were under a section extra toppings. Toppings? Toppings. And it had anchovies, other things you could have but they wouldn't put it on top of the pizza.

No. But who would order a side dish of cold anchovies anyway? Maybe a sea lion. I don't know how many of those go in there, but other than that nobody. It got a bit heated didn't it? The anchovies didn't. I'm not one to have a go. I mean the waitress was lovely and looked a bit like Colleen Nolan, not Colleen Nolan, Colleen Rooney. So I warmed to her. She was nice. I warmed to her but the anchovies

didn't. No. We could carry on like this all night. We even asked for a candle so that you could warm the anchovies up. Yeah but I think by then we'd moved into irony. I think you would agree. But I couldn't believe it. No. I mean I'm not one to launch a project. I mean I've offered mine to name and shame the place if I could remember the name of it. It was Fire and Something it was called fire and water funny I had freeze fire and water that one. It was something in stone. Was it? Oh no. Maybe it was fire and stone. Yeah I think it was. Yeah I mean the pizza was nice when it came but a topping has to be on top. They did put toppings on the top. Yeah that makes that makes absolute sense to me. We're just talking about the best

job I think a good phone in. What about this for a phone? Let's turn everything into a phone in. Best topping I've had on the side of a... Now, I thought, what about best job and worst job as a phone in? Sounds good. It doesn't have to be both, but either the best job or the worst job you've ever had. What's the worst job you've ever had, Em? Have you ever had a bad job? Yeah, I was a greeter in Gap. You know those people who turn at the door and say hi good morning and welcome to Gap. I did

that for a long time before going to university on my year off I did that. I imagine you'd be quite good at that. Do you then steer them towards buying something? Yeah but it was there's so much shoplifting going on because it was in Oxford Street, London So every I would just end up being part greeted part security guard. Try not to get stabbed really. Yeah Just say help yourselves just not the face But you know it's strange because it's an American idea because the company's American but British people don't take kindly to someone going Hi, welcome to cat. They don't like it at all they look at you really suspiciously yeah. I like it. I used to have a job in Gap just trying to get the customers to concentrate I used to say mind. Oh God. Can I thank everyone who texted in

last week by the way because I'm doing a travel thing for children in need I go from London to Turkey stopping off at various places on the way and they couldn't decide who was going to go with me because everyone's going in pairs. You do a leg each and you go around the world in 80 days. So people texted in last week to suggest who I should go away with and Howard Jones was my favourite. Apparently he's busy. You believe that? Howard Jones is a no show. I don't believe it. Ronnie Corbett someone suggested as well in Between Your Rocks. Exactly. But as it turns out, in my conversations with children in need this week, they've actually

decided they're going to send me on my own. Now that might sound alright, but all the other legs are done by pairs of celebrities. And I thought, well maybe this is a compliment, you know, they think that I'm so funny, that you know, they're just me, I'll do it. And then my girlfriend says, do you think you're not popular? That no one else wants to go with you. And this has now slightly haunted me. So you're going to go on your own? I'm going to end up going, there'll be a crew obviously, but I'm just going to, even the cameraman said no, no, it's fine, just, just, just take some photos while you're there. We can piece them together with footage.

No, so it reminded me of a bit, when I was really leaving the house this morning, um, Jane Horrocks was, um, doing, was on the telly, well, said she was on the telly, well, she said she was on the telly, she was doing an advert, she was talking about how much a basket of food costs at a well-known supermarket. And I did a thing called, I think it was Fenn Street Nativity, Flint Street Nativity, it was like a Christmas thing, and all these well-known actors, Neil Morrissey was in it, and Dervlico and John Thompson and Jane Horrocks was in it. And at the end of it, I was talking to one of the actresses who was in it and she said to me, so you know, you're all set for the party and I said, what party?

She said, you know the party at Jane Horrocks' house? I said, I haven't been invited. She said, oh, that's obviously a mix-up. And she went across to Jane Horrocks and I saw her speak to her and I saw Jane Horrocks' face slightly fall and then moved to Thondras and then she came back and said, so what else? What else is happening? Oh, didn't refer to the party again? No, everyone had been invited, everyone in the cast except me. That was horrible. And I've never known why. Have you ever been invited to a party by a housewife? I've been invited to four parties in my life, one of it. And no one wanted to go away on Children in Need with you? No. If they asked Jane Horrocks she would definitely want to go. I wouldn't have gone with her. She can do voices though Jane Horrocks, can't she? Oh by the way we've got Alistair McGowan as our guest today. Oh, should

we make him do impressions? So if anyone, if any of us have got any impressions, we better get them out of the way now. I've got one. Go on. I can do David Mitchell, but only in a very specific situation. David Mitchell from Mitchell and Webb and the Peep Show? Yes, exactly. In a specific situation. Yeah, so it's David Mitchell being asked by a paparazzi if he can have

his photo taken. So Frank, can you play the paparazzi and cue me in saying, David, please, we want to take your photo in quite an aggressive, irritating way. Okay. David, David, David, can we take your photo, mate? I can't think of anything. I'd like less, to be perfectly honest with you. What do you think? That was, um, wow, it was like... Was that your warm up or was that it? The girls laughed! What if the girls laughed but they stick together? What about this? Who is this then?

O-O-O-O-ODA! O-O-O-O-ODA! O-O-O-O-ODA! I presume that's Speaker Michael Martin. Speaker Martin! That's who that is! Let's see, I just perfected that impression, he's got the sack. So in fact you can do the ex-speaker saying one word. Well he only ever says one word. I have been working on let the great honorable gentleman speak but it's not as good as my... Oh, oh da, oh, oh da. What a shame they don't do spitting image anymore. Oh man, I would have cornered that speaker Martin Market. So, yes, do you do an impression,

Gary? I do. Kevin MacLeod of Grand Designs. You may not know. No, but it's always good to do an impression of someone that nobody knows. Well, maybe the listeners can tell me whether they've heard of that. But they haven't built this house with bricks or steel. They built it with love and they built it with their feet. Does he talk a bit like you?