The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner’s Radio Days: Award Winners

Episode Date: December 17, 2025

We're still in 2011 with Frank, Emily and Gareth. This time the gang win an award, Emily finds some notes from her childhood, Gareth has his fist TV gig and it's the Royal Wedding! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

We've taken all that radio show Wasn't done a bit of editing and tightening It feels like a backward step I know But people finding things quite frightening So look, I'm sorry I know I'm supposed to be like, you know The cynical comedian type about the Royal Wedding I was working when the Royal Wedding was on

I got home and my girlfriend had taped the ceremony And then we had a row about the fact that she hadn't taped the balcony kiss That's how I am about the Royal Wedding That's the best bit! Yeah, I had to have a car waiting for me. I had to wait till 4 o'clock news on Sky and see the balcony kiss before I went. Oh, you've got to see the kiss.

Oh, God, both. Both kisses. The first one, I felt it was one of those slightly dry-lipped. And they said, let's do that again. I was a bit dry-lipped. They did. Well, Andrew Neal complained about it. He said, that wasn't long enough.

They'll have to do that again. Horrible old uncle. Oh, the idea of Andrew Neal is that. I'm going to go over there to Andrew Neal. I'm going to go over there to Andrew Neill. I'm a kissing expert. Horrible. So you loved it, Frank?

Yes, I watched. I missed, I didn't see it live, but I've seen all the highlights, and I, oh man, there's so much, so much to talk about. I loved it. What were your highlights? Well, first of all, I think she's a complete babe, Kate. Can I say that? And I like, I mean, she's a strong, independent, modern 21st century woman. I mean, look at that thing when he turned up when she was doing that, when she was coxing the rowing team for the charity rowing race. And he turned up after the split, and she jumped out the boat and swam right across. It didn't really happen, Faye. It happened in William and Kate the movie,

and I'm seeing that as a kind of a documentary. That's one of the best Sunday afternoons I've ever spent. I was completely not bothered about the Royal Wedding. I watched William and Kate the movie, and I thought, now, these are my people. I know these people now. They're in my life. You can't swim in rivers like that.

You'd get vials disease, all the rats you're in. Oh, thanks for bringing us all down on a daylight today. Miles disease. We're talking fairy tale wedding, not rat. it was so much. I even got tense about the ring not quite going on. Oh, that was a tense moment. Even though I was watching a recording of it, and I knew if the ring hadn't gone, obviously there would been just martial music on all the, on all the channels. It would have been like when the Queen Mother died if the ring hadn't gone on. Am I right in saying that Prince William had the wrong hat on for

that uniform? Well, he had a sort of... He had a sort of... He had a sort of... He had a sort of... He had a dark... He had a sort of... He had a sort of... He had a red... Yeah, exactly. And then he had like a black... It was It was like he'd maybe stopped off for a cup of tea at London Zoo. One of the keepers had come in for a cup of tea, put his hat down on the same table. I imagine at about midday at London Zoo, someone was saying, Bill, how come you wearing the red hat? He said, what? Blimey, how has that occurred? And also, Prince William, he had spurs on in Westminster Abbey.

Yes, I noticed that. I imagine him at the party, a bit drunk, half-11 at night. like slicing pizza with his heels. I didn't mind then, but you're going to have to trust me on it. Those of you watch this, those of you weirdos who watch this on the webcam, I'm not, I'm not sure about you people. We've probably already lost half the listeners who were just sick of the Royal Wedding, but not Frank.

No. Oh, the ring, the tension of the ring. You've even been watching it during the break? I'm starting to think that they hadn't bought that ring, especially for it, they just had a load of rings. I'm starting to think that the Royal Family are the people, behind cash for your gold you send it to them

and they've just got loads of diffie bags and they say there'll there'll be a ring in there go on they didn't measure it up she's thin enough anything will go on my bit that melted my heart towards the whole thing was

I was cynical about it and then I read and this might not be true but I read that William gave her a special ring like a secret one as well as the one from his mum an engagement ring beforehand that had inscribed on it, my darling Princess Ordinary.

You'd been watching that movie again. Hold on a minute. My darling Princess Ordinary. Well, I'd really like that. I'd really love if someone gave me a ring that had the word ordinary on it. What? It would all be off if I'd watch.

Yeah, I should think so as well. Thank, we've had a texting. Oh, darling, you're so ordinary. Frank, texting in 707. I can't believe you haven't mentioned Beatrice's hat. You see... Who stapled that on? I like the wacky hat thing.

I did as well. Eugenie and Beatricia, they looked absolutely psychotic, and I love them. There was a historian that they kept having on, who was called Kate Williams. Oh, I know her. Really? I met her once. Did she? Yeah.

She's got the perfect name for the wedding, Kate Williams. She wasn't called Kate Williams before. Was she not? She was called Diana Charles. I'm up until quite recently Yeah, I'm starting to think that she's just some sort of cynic She hangs around that deed pole office In a very suspicious and sly way

Frankslingers ready your days It could go one of two ways Morning Frank Emengar Did you see the cartwheeling verger Oh yeah He was so relieved that it all went so well That he cartwheeled in the abbey No he wasn't so relieved that it all worked

The cartwheeling verger is a classical example of the Church of England wacky cleric and he did the whole thing with one eye on YouTube so I don't be so angry you're just angry because your friend Dr. Ron Williams

had a same dress nightmare with the Queen that's the only reason you're upset well what's she doing wearing yellow that shouldn't you know 85 beige that's the rules lavender I think you'll find the cartwheeling virgin I love the wedding

I hate the cartwheeling virgin that's a fair summary of my attitude to the whole thing The only really funny cartwheel I've ever seen was they did one of those big motorcyclos. I wasn't there for that, unfortunately. The motorcycle... That's what I heard.

They did a motorcycle stunt, and it went wrong, and the motorcyclist hit one of the stewards. It was one of those blokes wearing a white coat, and he spun about three times into the air. He wasn't badly injured in case you're thinking on Mark in his ear, but it was a great bit of spontaneous cartwheeler. That was pretty YouTube. That guy was a purist.

I'm so strict with cartwheeling So David Cameron Roles his rules on cartwheeling Fine David Cameron I'd like to see him cartwheeling down a hill Well we had his morning suit yesterday He looked quite nice actually

But you know I enjoyed Nearly as much as the Royal Wedding A little bit of the kerfuffle That he got himself into this week Ah yes Do you know why? Because it involved Michael Winner And I like things Winnerian

I really do think I'm a fan of all things Winnerian Well it was because did you guys see this You know he'd said he'd said is it Angela Eagle? He'd said, calm down, dear. I don't know if he said it in the voice. I hope he did. Not quite now, but he did it. He gestured towards it. Can I say Moca winner, of all the celebrities I've met, he's the one probably least in touch with reality. I remember I said to him, I had a little badge on, which was the two bowler hat, it was a lapel badge,

big bowler hat, smaller bowler hat. It's the Laurel and Hardy Society. And he said, Do you like Laurel and Hardy? I said, yeah, I'm a massive fan. I've loved him since I. He always said, you should talk to Marlon Brando. Oh, okay. Yeah, I'll talk to his number. Yeah.

Marlon, you're a big... I don't really talk now. Yeah. Oh, Michael. France News Radio Base. Frank Slows Radio Base. Welcome to Not the Weekend podcast. I'm Frank Skinner.

And I'm here with Emily and Gareth. Hello. And this is an absolute radio thing that we do. Some of you may have heard it before. Some of you may be new to the fold. What, with the blaze of publicity we've had over the last 48 hours, I wouldn't be surprised. Well, welcome.

And it's great to see you. In case you're wondering what the hell I'm discussing here. We are now officially the... award-winning radio program. I'm so excited about it. Best entertainment. Yes. The best entertainment on all of the radio.

Well, if you say best entertainment. It makes us sound arrogant when you say it like that. That's what we are now. No, be arrogant, but don't sound it. No, no. I've actually, I spent the whole of this morning scratching onto the award in brackets in all of radio. I think that's fine.

In double writing. I did say to Gareth Frank, what did I say in the award? car on the way home when we left the ceremony. I said, I was happy because I said, I like this because it means I'll be able to bring it up in rows. I can use it in rouse with people. Just that I've won a Sony. How will you

use that? Well, there'll be a poor man in a cafe that gets the order wrong. Do you know? Oh, I'll think you've been personal, right? Yes, you've never, you've never, you've never been the same with me since I won that Sony Award in 2011. Best Entertainment.

It's nice, so one has to make the most of these moments because there'll be, I'm sure, many defeats to come if the good Lord spends, spares us and the creeks don't rise. I say the creeks don't rise, that's another story. Bear in mind, it's all right for you guys, all you did was taste success, but I had two individual awards where I did not even feature in the bronze category.

Yeah, but in fairness, One of the awards that you were nominated for, Best Speech Radio Personality, you were still doing all your press conference thing and posing with Jamie Cullum, your new best friend backstage. Jamie Cullum, who says he's a big fan of the show. Listen to often, you know, we must play more jazz. He came and stood quite near me, I thought. I'm not saying why, but he did stand near me for the photo.

I think you did have a very ornate belt buckle he was admiring. I thought he was standing very far away, but it was just because of how small he was. That's perspective, do you see? Yeah. Amazing. Anyway, so I won't lie. There were, I mean, there was a disappointment for me as well. I mean, you know,

that would be a relief to people to hear. Yeah, exactly. And I think it's, you know, you've got to have light and dark in life. And I was up for best music personality, best speech personality. And as I said, didn't even feature in the first three of either. It was almost as if they put me up just to knock me down. However. Yeah, but Frank, best music personality was Ronnie Wood,

who had his posse with him. Yeah, but how great that Ronnie Wood was there. Are they a murder of crows then? I think they are. That's what they are. I love the posse. It's only a matter of time, I would have thought. Oh, no, but the last time I was nominated for an award with the word personality in it,

I lost to Michael Barrymore. Oh. So at least this is a, that's an improvement on that. To lose to Danny Baker and Ronnie Wood is in a way an honour. Yeah. Nevertheless, I thought I could have been in the silver or bronze. I mean, I don't want to go on about it. It was about 10 minutes after winning the best entertainment

that the nagging pain of losing the other two started to hit. But, you know, to be true, I could have danced all night. I could have done, I couldn't actually because I got a bad knee, but, you know, in my mind I could have danced. Mental dancing, one of my favourites. It was a fun night, though. I did my speech.

Your speech was good, I like it. I do you about my speech. I did a Hamlet reference. Did you? I think you should always do. Yeah, because I pointed out that many years ago, I said that it would be possible to tell if my career was in ruins because you'd hear me saying I was passionate about radio.

And then I said, I don't know if you're familiar with my own partard, but it's very suitable for hoisting. Yes, I like that. There was three or four laughs from Radio 4. nothing from talk sport. In fact, Andy Gray looked at me as if I'd said something obscene. It was enraged by such a reference. And I thought after, was it a bit, did I aim to, or was it pretentious, is what I thought.

And then I thought, no. That was my thought processes, basically, after it, in between, but not even bronze, which just kept coming back at me like a big screaming kestrel. Do you know when We shouldn't go on about this because people Probably already bored But when they actually announced the winner I actually punch the air

I saw that Yeah I mean which you're not I don't think you're supposed to do at the top end No No that was a bit Best Station with less than 300 listeners Radio Wilts show Response

I thought you were aiming for me But just missed it Well actually Ronnie Wood They had some absolute It was nominated for some best branded content He was going yeah Trying to be the company man, which I really enjoy. Oh, good, yes, he's really taken to it, I was to say.

I was talking to him before, and he was saying how thrilled he was to be nominated. Ronnie would. Oh, Ronnie. Oh, great. Frank, I was embarrassed that when... And then he went, eh! And soared across the bar. I realised Wurzel Gommidge had come in from the toilet.

Scared the hell out of him. When the nomination was... When it emerged that we'd want... which was a great moment for all of us. I'm going to talk about this a lot. I'm not going to stop. Are we in how we in yet? Yeah.

What was rather embarrassing was that you punched the air, which is, you know, you do your thing, that's fine. Gareth, I didn't see what you were doing. But I jumped up in excitement and ran towards the stage full pelt. Well, you were certainly there before me. I was.

I thought I was going to have to take you down. And then I thought, well, I better hang back a bit because I thought, well, I can't be the first one. It'll just be me and Chris Evans. That's going to be awful. So I just hung back and had to wait for you. That was really awkward. You took so long to get up.

You were doing an Oscar thing, shaking hands with people. Oh, I've got a bad leg. And also I thought the limp to the stage was quite a romantic moment. Well, anyway, it was a very special night, but let's not go on and on about it. Let's just say that without our valid and loved listeners, there would be no show. So we share this award with all of you. In fact, I'm going to take a plane to it tonight and get a series of small slivers. and then if you were all texting, I'm going to send out bits of it.

I remember I bought an office box set, be about, oh, probably 1971, which had a little bit of his clothing in it, caught with like a crimped scissor, you know, with like a jagged edge. Mine was a sort of mustard terry tolling. I'll never know what the garment was, but it was special to me. I wore it as a posing pouch for four years before it disintegrated. It was the acidity, you see. Well, Frank, this has been quite a week of the face.

Well, Frank, this has been quite a week for me. Not only did I win a Sony Award, well, you know, part of the team. But I was also, I was on telly. Really? I know this is mean, but I really feel depressed that we're not talking about the Sony Award. Although I'm sure. I dare say we'll come back to it. Okay.

It's good sure we got this out the way in the not the weekend, because on the show, by now, it would be unbearable. Play a song, some adverts. I want another thing about the Saudi Awards. God, I don't know what I'll be like after the archievers.

No, we're not allowed. We're not going to that. I'm not going to that. It's me and Dave, you see. It's nominated. I didn't stop, that won't stop me getting on stage, will it?

No, of course not. I thought you were hosting. So, go on. I was on telly, yeah, for the first ever time. Crime watch? No, Russell Howard's Good News, doing stand-up comedy. Really? Yeah, could have told me I would have watched that.

I had to put it on Facebook. Do you think, you know, I'm a my-face purist? Well, you can still see it on IPlayer, but no, yeah. I watched it. I thought you were brilliant. It was really good. I got really excited. Yeah, I say brilliant.

It was good. I did look good. No, I didn't say you look good. Oh, right. Sorry. I didn't not say you looked good. Don't put words in Emily's men. I wonder if there were people watching who knew you from this show and hadn't seen you before. Well, no, yeah. People have tweeted me and stuff and said it's amazing to see and hear me at the same time. And they had no idea that I looked the way I do.

Well, it is true, though. That doesn't sound good. Well, it's not so true nowadays when, you know, people are in the papers and the tabline things and all that. But when I was a kid certainly, the first time you saw someone who you knew from the radio it was often quite a shock. I went to a live, a live night

with Dave Lee Travis, the hairy cornflake. And I remember there was a bit where he said, right, we need some volunteers, need some volunteers on stage. And me and a couple of mates went bounding up on stage. And he said, I'll choose, he said, I decide who's on

stage and who isn't. Wow. And it was a bit of a Of course he now realise this that he was quite wrong about that that it's the show of his gods who decide who's on stage and who is but because he was a bit haughty

I never really like listening to him again and I didn't know when he spoke of the airy cornflake I didn't know it was the full beard thing because they weren't in the papers then so there will be people who were stunned We were at the Sony Awards last night and won Best Entertainment

and that is like that isn't it? lots of people who you haven't seen before. I saw the guy who was, Emily was talking to someone. Well, don't say, that could be someone I was chatting up and you'll embarrass me. Who was I chatting to? It was the person who was on Jonathan Ross's show. Oh, Andy. Oh, Andy. He doesn't count. Andy, yeah, no, I didn't. I had a very vivid image.

You were surprised at what he looked like. I had a very vivid image of what he looked like in my mind from his voice. It's not the same person. Who is that person I was seeing? No, it is a big thing. But that's great at first. I remember my first telly, I did a thing called First Exposure, it was called. Wow. I don't like the sound of that.

That does sound like Crime Watch. Well, it was new comedians, do you see? And I was introduced as Frank Spencer. Now, that's an awkward moment, isn't it? When you're a bit nervous, first telly. Can I say, before we're going any further in this conversation, let's make a pack now, none of us to do a Frank Spencer impression. Let's, just in case you felt one bubbling under.

Just, no. But it kind of, it sort of pulled the rug from under me, if you know what I mean. I'm not surprised. Yeah, I thought it was, and that was Arthur Smith introducing. I don't know if you remember her. And at the end, I did a routine about sneezing, five minutes about sneezing. It was basically around the fact that my dad used to do big sneezes, like, you know, Oh, we're now hand in front of the mouth when I was a, you know,

so you can feel the spray, the other side of the room. But when I've met middle class people for the first time, they did that. You know that? Oh, yes. And it was basically all about that culture shock. Good little bit of observation comedy there. Yeah, exactly. Oh, I loved it.

And then I remember at the end, I watched it back. Sometime later, because I didn't have a video recorder at the time. And at the end, they laughed and they applauded And I said, thank you, you've been very kind And I thought, you pathetic, vermin, I thought. Clermy? Yeah, of the crowd. No, no, of me.

Yeah, I was really trying to, you know, be... That's quite a nice old-fashioned thing though, Frank. No, it's just a maness thing. And then the second time I did telly, I hosted a show, which meant obviously I kept coming on and going back. And the audience really tired of me. about half by three and to be honest

I didn't have enough material at that stage in my career so towards the end it was thin it was thin gruel and unfortunately I was dressed

as a ninja mutant teenage thingy turtle and it's bad enough to go badly but you don't want to be dressed as a cartoon character at the same time

as an awful combination Why were you dressed as a turtle? Because I did some material about the ninjas That's the way he used to roll Frank how old were you, your first appearance then on TV? I think I was 56.

How old we really? I would be 30. Gareth, yours? 31, I'm 31. I was seven. I'm just saying. Wow. I've actually had a bit of a nostalgic weekend, Frank.

Because my mother, I'm moving a house, as you know. And my mother was having a clear-out, and she was giving me some stuff to take with me. She's found all these notes that I'd written when I was a kid. I was a monster. No. Yes. I kept writing my autobiography, essentially.

There's just hundreds of notes going, my life, my family story. And then there's... Oh, I thought you meant post-it notes. You didn't bother. No. Well, I did write her long-of-notice as well. Well, you say that. Listen to this birthday card.

Have a happy birthday, mummy. And if you don't, it will ruin my life. Love Emmy. That is not genuine. Is that? It is there. Trust me, listeners. That is an actual...

This is the kind of monster I was. If you don't, it will ruin my life. I'm... It's a pity we couldn't get that up into a greeting on the front of a card print. Did you mean that in a nice way, though? I can imagine you bent that in her. I think I meant it in an awful. Listen to this.

I don't know, bet you. I don't like birthday greetings of an air of threat. I wrote a short story. You can hear the beginning and the end. It's called, why did it have to be me? That's the short story. Okay. I'd always lived alone since I was nine months old.

Nine months old. Oh, God. I mean, this isn't my real life, obviously. No. I think I have put not a true story. I'd always lived alone since I was nine months old. My mother had died because of a heart attack. But to make matters worse, Flora had moved to this village,

and my father was a drag queen who didn't like children. What? How old are you when you wrote that? I don't know. Oh, God, that's child writing. Yes, it's really child writing. I love the uniformity of child writing. You know how handwriting gets different as you get older,

but child writing, they all seem to dip from the same pot. Do you know what I'm saying? Flora had moved to the village. Well, then, well, this is what? So another nice... Margarine factory. Which is very handy if you're a drag queen. Why was I writing about drag queen?

I'll read on. So another nice family adopted me. so that was good. There was Susan, who was quite a bore because all she did was read books. Oh, I didn't like her. Anyway, this continues in some vein. I won't bore you with it.

But do you want to know what the ending of this nice story is? You betcha. Soon she got bored, so I said, come on, let's take a walk, so we did. But I got lost. Then it started to snow, and I froze to death. And my mother came and took me up to heaven. That's the kind of child I was, Frank.

Well, I like that it ends with a hint of the supernatural. Do you want to hear this? My life? I don't know. I don't know anymore. It's so terrified. Emily is surrounded by ancient parchments. Is this... Is this... Is this the autobiographical? This is one of my autobiographies, yeah. My life. A long time ago I went to Disneyland.

My favourite thing there was the hotel. And I've done the hotel in red pen with an exclamation mark. I don't think you should have read this in front of Gareth. Very upsetting. It turns out that you're actually Gareth. Mother, we discover now on air. No wonder I feel old. Now anyone else would like the ghost train best, but I like the hotel.

So early science. Well, things have changed. Early science. When you had breakfast, you could look out from the balcony and see nearly everything. Once when I was eating my toast, my sister snatched it out so it fell onto the swimming pool. The end. Oh, it's the copper dill round. Preempted.

That's what I'm really missing the point of Disney world. Yes, I didn't understand. You spent all day sitting on the balcony. But this is what I mean. That's amazing, though. We're an amazing and slightly terrifying child. I won't even, boy, they're just hundreds of them. My family story, you must help me.

Was that big sign you put up in your bedroom window? No, you must help me. My problem is about my sister. Now that I'm seven, my sister is afraid that I will make some really nice friends that never go off and play with somebody else because she likes taking my friends away. from me. Every day in the playground, she starts to shout, Emily

loves Thomas or something like that. Thank you for helping me. Love Emily Dean. There you go. Was it a letter to Father Christmas? I don't know who it was too. So Frank, what do you make of all this? I don't know. It's not looking good for me, is it? I love seeing the child's

writing. I went out with a woman and I gave a plastic toy to her nephew, which I just used on a show. And he was very So he wrote me a thank you letter in exactly that kind of scholarly one big letter, one small letter, one capital, one lowercase, like that, four collars used. And it was sealed the letter. So I read it, it was sweet.

So I wrote another letter copying that one that said, keep your filthy hands off my auntie with, I mean, with more swearing. And I said to this one, I said, you see what, that letter that I got from there, oh God, she didn't, she didn't. He didn't find it funny a dog. She was outright. It was full of felson. But it all in that child's righted, and a nice drawing at the end. I think it's nice that your mum has kept that stuff.

Recently I discovered that in the last, when my mum and dad last move... Was that when they got back from Disney? No, it was quite a way after that, but quite recently they threw out all my baby pictures. What? What? What?

I think by mistake, like my mum seems upset about it, but they threw out all pictures of me as a baby. But they kept the ones of your good-looking brother? Yeah, they've got my brothers. They're framed. That's a terrible. Oh.

And it was accidentally. I'm sure it was accidental. I think it was, they say it was accidental. They didn't place them on a bonfire individually. Amidst the swirl of incantations. Well, I mean, are they replaceable? No, completely irreplaceable. So now there's only a few, like, you know, the ones you don't put

an album. So they threw away all the albums. So, you know, there's just a pile of odd ones that you would never have put in an album. Didn't even make the albums. Yeah, there's just one of me as a child. That's a very odd photo of me, the only one left of me as a child naked laying in front of a gas fire

face down on the floor. Oh, God. That's terrible, isn't it? It was all so jolly. But it was actually, it wasn't jolly. It was slightly dark, anyway. Like the drag queen father. Yeah.

I feel my child. It was a ray of sunlight. Did your mum keep these things? Did you write lots of... No, I have nothing. You must have wrote nice notes to your mum and stuff when you went back. I have three sepia photographs of me in a top hat. And one wooden obby horse, I think. Which I think we got for Queen Victoria's coronation.

And that's it. I think for the working classes, the school photo was basically the record of your growth. There's about four pictures of me now as a child. Really? I'd love to see those. Well, yeah, they're... Did you have a camera in the house? We didn't have a family camera like a lot of people. It's quite unusual probably in those days.

Next door had a box brownie, which we used to... Did you all put suits on for the camera like Sullivan? But the school phone... I've got a school photo of me wearing a badge that says Spaceman P-N-U-T. What's that? P-A-P-A-P-N-U-T. Have you Googled it? I must Google that.

I think it was some sort of P-N-N-P-Not promotional thing. Yeah. So there's that picture. I think every other picture of me as a child, I've got a cold sore. It just seemed to always coincide with the photographer. It's only not, anyway, to hell with it. We've got enough photos of me now, let's face. Well, that's true.

Well, I've had what I can only describe as a comedy workshop this week. Someone giving you a comedy workshop? Yeah, who could it have been? I can't think of anyone. No, I'm sorry, you're going to have to leave stuff. Charlie Chaplin from Beyond the Grave? Charlie Chaplin from, yeah, me and Derek Acora met in a bar. Unfortunately, Charlie Chaplin, of course, was silent.

Me and Charlie get on very well. we both smoke silks. Oh, Charlie Seymour, he really likes that stuff you do about a husband. And, hey, no alarm. No. We'll have to check that with a technician. So, I found Arkeith.

Oh, I love an Arkeith story. See, Keith, it was his birthday last week, May the 8th, and I found him up. It began with about a five-minute harangue about the fact that I never call him. And I said, you know, the thing is, Keith, I call you, on your birthday it's annual there's a limit

to how often I can call with a birthday context and he said what do you just call me he said my mates are always saying does your brother ever call you so my brothers are a bit like this are you old since you've been on Russell Howard

you mean no no just like they expect me to get in touch with them yeah but to be fair your brother's so good looking no disrespect to our keys no but he's not as good looking as Garrett's brother let's put it that way and he doesn't have to call anyone with the brother. I don't know.

I've never seen Garrow's brother, but I'm pretty confident our Keith won't be as good looking as him. Yeah. Well, anyway, so we got chatting, and he said to me, I've been watching you on the telly quite a bit, you know. I said, oh, that's nice. He said, I've noticed you've missed one or two gangs.

Did he? I said, how do you mean? He said, I just a couple, I thought, oh, no, he should have said, I said, oh, well, thanks for that. He said, no, I'll give you some example. And off he went. Oh, there was no stopping him. Now, the first one was, well, it was a joke about a woman called Cherry

when I hosted, Never Mind the Bozcocks, but we'll let that one pass. I wasn't happy with it. But he did come up to my chagrin. He came up with a couple of crackers. Did he? Well, they were good, you know. He was on about the fact that I was on The One show. I'd forgotten about this.

And there was a fish called Benson. this sort of famous fish that lived in this pond, and someone fed it knots and it died. And I said on the show, well, we could always eat it. You could have a sort of fish and chips thing. You could call it Benson and Wedges. That was the joke. And he said to me, you should have said,

oh, Benson and Wedges, and then in brackets, contains knots. Oh, that was good. Oh, he's done a lot of work on that one. Oh, yeah, and he remembered him more. He rattled off a few. The other one that sticks in my mind, Sarah Milliken on Frank Skinner's opinionated, and she said, she was on about,

she'd met, she saw a woman being dumped on an escalate, a boyfriend, the boyfriend disappeared off, which is an easy on an escalate, you just go up two steps. And she said, you know, I had to give her a big hog, and she's probably crying into her trifle now.

And I said, that's it with you, Sarah. You always have to bring everything back to pudding. Not a joke, because it's an amusing. remark. And my brother said, well, it would have been apt if she was crying into a trifle because she had been deserted. Oh, it's very good. There's not stopping him. There's no stopping off here. I'm thinking I might start doing a bit of sheet metal work, get my own back. So what about that? I really did feel like I'd been, I'd sat at the master's feet. But this is what happens

in hindsight, isn't it? I don't have never been there. Really? No, in hindsight, it's always brothers telling you how you could do things better. Right. Surely your brothers didn't phone up after your Russell Howard appearance and say if I was you I would have Well my dad's big comedy advice was that I should He thought I'd be good at writing for other people Which is a really backhanded compliment Yes

Even is it that even I think it's an insult Pure and simple It's a slap in the face He's saying he likes your material He doesn't like you which from your own father he's tough

did you ask him to elaborate um no that was just had you mentioned Disneyland yeah don't bring that up and um but what being on um I was on Russell have's good news and um being um

oh god it's becoming like me with there the Triffids I know at least I've moved on to SOS Titanic now you know my song Dave the Fridge Who doesn't often I know often people That's this week's texting. Who doesn't know Garrett's song, Dave the Fridge?

I'm expecting quite a big response. Because it's all drawn out kind of slightly tortured jokes about someone being like a fridge and people suggest all sorts of ones for them. I've had quite a lot of people commenting on YouTube saying, surely what you should have done at the end,

rather than the fat joke, you should have made some sort of joke about her being cold like a fridge. I think Arcade's probably preparing a white paper on that song as we speak with it. Do you think the O'Kee's report? Do you think Arkeith sits at home?

I see him poised with a little sharpened pencil and a pad making notes every time you pop up. That's what he does, Frank. Yeah, I think he probably was sitting in the pub and I think it's probably a bi-ro on that. You know, if you tear the outer surface of a beer mat, you can write on the

underneath. That's what I'm guessing it's like. But there were good jokes. I did think maybe in different circumstances he could have been the uh he could have been the comic and i could have been the angler i think it's a very fine line isn't it's angling it is when you're angling anyway otherwise they'll see it in the water it's cold friends spiners radio days i don't mean days as it's stupid a mean days as in the sevens of the week so this is a takeout a bloke