The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner's Radio Days: Bathtime

Episode Date: June 18, 2025

We head all the way back to 2009 for the first instalment of Frank Skinner's Radio Days. Frank is joined by Emily Dean and the much-missed Gareth Richards. This episode includes the Bath Inquisition, Dancing on Ice, moving house and Frank going to the football with Alan Sugar. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hurry in, employee pricing is on for a limited time. Visit your local GMC dealer for details. Hello and welcome to Frank Skinner's Radio Days. So what is going to happen is this, in each episode of Frank Skinner's Radio Days, we'll sort of take a trip down Memory Road. The lane apparently is closed at the moment because of some problems with the surface. So we'll go down Memory Road and we'll look at some of the best bits from the radio show Which I did in my former years So we start way back in 2009 and of course, I'm joined as ever by Emily Dean, but also in these early shows by

well by Gareth Richards who was the original co-presenter with Emily, and who we miss very, very much indeed. It's, it can be sad to hear his voice, it can also be beautiful, and of course, as ever, hilarious. And of course, as ever, hilarious. Anyway, this week's topics on Frank Skinner's Radio Days, I'm going to keep saying it until you remember it, include the apprentice on Comet Relief, Frank on This Morning with Ruby Wax, I remember that because that was, I think, Ruby Wax was on there suggesting it'd be a good idea to go to airports just to shop. I know.

Dancing on Ice with Ray Quinn. I have no idea who Ray Quinn is or was, but God bless him. The Bath Inquisition, which sounds like something that happened in 1535, but it probably isn't. And going to the football with Alan Sugar, which I do remember going to a football match with Alan Sugar, but I don't remember what the football match was. So when you say that it's memory road we're going down, that's a slight

contradiction because my memory doesn't seem to be accompanying us. Nevertheless, I'm fully expecting these shows to be hilarious. I hope you enjoy. Frank Skinner's radio days, it could go one of two ways. It's the Dancing on Ice final this weekend, which I've become excited about even though I've never seen Dancing on Ice in my life. Oh really? I've never watched it. I've never watched it.

Really? I don't think you get the full idea of it from the papers. I think there's more to it. Well I don't know, I guess what it is from the title. Yeah. I mean how novel can it be? The fact that Adonal McIntyre is in the final is completely... Now who is he again?

He's the bloke. He used to do undercover radio, uh, television shows. Until he got too famous to do undercover anymore. Yeah, exactly. He became, he was a celebrity undercover artist. Which is a very short-lived career. That was his route to ice skating. Did he always want to do the ice skating? Is that why he got into it? Well I think he's doing a big story on Rae Quinn. He's really hot I think. Rae Quinn? Is that what the kids say? Oh don't be ridiculous. He's a sort of a travel

gigolo. You can put him in your handbag. No, no, I find him a bit. I think he's quite handsome now. I like him. No. Yeah. I really need to watch. You like him- I wanted him to win X Factor. This Leona Lewis. What has she got? Yeah. What has she done since?

She can't even skate. What has she done since? Nothing. I wanted Ray to win with his swing stylings. Yeah. No, I find him a little bit- I had an experience. I was doing a gig, I think in Middlesbrough, and this very attractive young woman said to me, would you sign my stomach and

I said certainly if you just had an operation And she lifted off a t-shirt and she had like a very, you know tightly defined stomach and It had already been signed by Ray Quinn Obviously much lower than where I was gonna cuz, because he could only reach, he couldn't make the navel. But I think he used that as the, he used the navel as a dot for the I in Quinn. So you're backing Ray. I'm so backing Ray.

And who's the other one? Isn't it Kevin Peterson's girlfriend? Jessica Off- of Liberty X? Yes. Jessica off of? I thought you was going to say that. No, Jessica off of. Okay, yes. But she goes out with Kevin Peterson. She's married to him, I believe. Yeah, same thing.

Don't say it. Actually, you stop going out with people when you marry them. You stay in with them then and go out with friends. Yeah. Well, I'm backing her because of the cricket connection. So maybe we can have a bet on it or something. Okay. Donal, we still don't know if he'll turn up. He could. Donal used to do things like he used to do these big exposés where he found out that supermodels took drugs and stuff like that and you think, wow.

God, this is her chattery. Well done, Donal. So I think skating was probably the way forward for him. By the way, we were talking last week about our podcasts, which are available on iTunes. And last week we were celebrating the fact we were number 61 in the charts, just above French Made TV. Or was it just below French Made TV? I think it was just below, but that's okay. But can you believe it, we've gone up to number six! I was really excited by that. Don't tell me like you already knew, this is what they do on the radio, they tell each other things they already know and they pretend they've just found out.

It's like when I said hello to you this morning, like I hadn't seen you until you suddenly turned up at the studio. Don't break people, let them dream. Yes, number six everyone else child saying a child so you know youth I'm a bit more great um yes in your face that's what you say someone if you know in an arrogant way if you want to because I go to the night I did him a favour and he said to me, thanks for doing me a solid. What's that?

I was as a laboratory at the time, having my cola tested. Speaking of which, when we started this show, this is the kind of life we lead, we went to a posh restaurant. Actually, Gareth, you weren't on board at the point, so you didn't come. No, I was probably in McDonald's. show and this is the kind of life we lead we went to a kind of posh restaurant to actually Gareth you weren't on board at the point so you didn't you didn't come no I was probably a McDonald's yeah exactly we phoned you I think but me and Emily went to a posh restaurant and I tell you the first thing that worried me is that I just asked Emily to do this music show with me and we got into the restaurant the first thing she said to the waitress was excuse me can you turn the music down? I can't abide music!

It's not that I don't like the music but I felt it was a little loud would you never say that to someone? I mean I think I'm a fairly good complainer in restaurants but I would never say the music is too loud. You don't have a strong enough sense of entitlement, I think that's the problem. I think it's reasonable. Well, no, you've got that, I know. But I used to be incredibly intimidated. The first posh restaurant I ever remember going in, there was an American waiter who was quite camp.

And I said to him, I'll have the chicken a la Grek, please. I said, but instead of the dauphanoise potatoes, which I didn't know what they were, I said to me I said to him I love the chicken a la grec I said but instead of the dauphinoise potatoes which I didn't know what they were I said could I have French fries with that and I said French fries rather chips to sound more sophisticated so I said I love the chicken a la grec and the French fries and he said right would you like that on a plate or in a basket. God I shriveled into a terrible crouton like you would be. That told you. Yeah, but you're good in restaurants. I was in a restaurant only the other day with Emily and she said, can I have the rocket and parmesan please and no onions.

Yeah, but I have a fear of onions. Why bring off onions in that conversation? Because I've had so many slip-ups with chives before. Well we all have to. By the way Adrienne Chives is our guest on the show tonight, there's a link at the heart. What do you mean you've had slip-ups with chives? I can't really, I hate onions and chives. I really, it will ruin my whole meal if I have to eat them or if they're anywhere near the food. But do you say it about every meal?

Yes, I do. If I go to France, I go sans zonion. It's what I say all the time, the first thing when I walk into a restaurant. A cappuccino, sans zonion. The trouble is with sans zonion, it actually starts to hurt my mouth after a bit. There's too much...

I want no onions and I want to eat in absolute silence. Turn the music off, shut those people up. I don't want those people talking while I'm eating my no onions. You know, I think the didgeridoo began because of someone saying... Sals-o-nion. Can I have sals-o-nion? It was French travelers over there. Although to be fair to you, I was in a sushi place with my girlfriend and she said, I love the carrot juice and they brought it over and she said to me, there's orange juice

in this. And I said, don't be ridiculous. And she said, no, there's orange juice juice and we called the waitress over and she said I think there's orange juice in this and the waitress said yes, we put orange juice because people don't like too much carrot juice That was the explanation so she was right my girlfriend she's always right, of course But she was right, my girlfriend. She's always right, of course. Have you moved out yet, Gareth? No, we're just about to move. Moving is so stressful. I've been putting it off and I don't want to talk about it.

And the other night my wife cornered me in the bath. Right, do you have corners in your bath? Sounds very uncomfortable. Is it some sort of crate? She suggested we have a bath and I thought, oh that would be a nice relaxing thing to do together. Then she started questioning me about the move and it turned into the Bath of Inquisition. Oh, it's like that one in The Reader with Kate Winslet. Yeah, and you just feel,'ve got, you feel naked, well you are naked. You are naked, I hope so.

Unless you're like those nones that wear a swimming costume in the back. I wouldn't be surprised to discover you are. Well, I don't know about you, I've always found that's one of the most disappointing. Things that should be exciting but aren't is bathing with a member of the opposite sex. Or with your own sex if you like Yeah, I don't I don't like I just think no offense guys, but men are quite careful where you're going This is morning radio. No, but there's just too many big hairy limbs It's like the Shire horse in the bath or something. It just yeah

Yeah, I ain't bathing with the Shire Man you can't get you don't bite withhe with them, you bathe amongst them. That's the bottom line. No, I don't. And I was getting, I was, yeah. I get hot, I get really sweaty. I want to get in the bath, I want to clean everything meticulously and then get out. I don't want, I'm not one of those people who soak or wallow.

I don't like that at all. And there's not really space for enough movement or anything and Laura's quite scared of drowning so she, yeah, we don't. She's not scared of drowning. It's just Bart sitting there. And the thing was I was getting more and more stressed because I felt like, well, this isn't going to work. And then when we checked my diary, I couldn't do any of the dates she said. But the thing about having that sort of conversation- Did you check it while you were still in the bath?

No. Obviously I had to get out. But the problem with a bath inqu thing about having that sort of conversation... Did you check it while you were still in the bath? No, obviously I had to get out but the problem with a bath inquisition of that sort is that you haven't got your diary with you. No. You can't take that... Exactly, so you're not able to commit. No, it's not a good place to do admin. I like that the bath inquisition has become a common practice now.

Yeah, if only the Spanish inquisition had happened in Bath in the West Country, we would have all known that phrase. I'll tell you something else as well, and I think I might be betraying a confidence here, but my girlfriend, it's alright, she's in Romania this weekend, so I'll say, we also shower differently, we never shower together. And I notice when I shower, I don't know if this is just me or men or it's just my girlfriend is different, but when I get in the shower I clean every part very thoroughly. I start at the top and work my way down end on the feet right? Right. And then I rinse and get out, that's what I do. Whereas my girlfriend just seems to stand in there.

She's like somebody waiting for a boss, where there happens to be hot water running down. I don't see her actually cleaning anything. No, that's a girl thing. I totally do that as well. You just stand in the shower. Yeah, that's what I do. Do you say, what you have to wear perfume with? I don't attack myself like a scouring, with a scouring brush or something. I just, I've seen men do that, they sort of clean underneath their feet and stuff. Yes we clean underneath our feet. What's the bottom of your feet like

then? Terrible, callous, d-arm. I don't even want to think about it. Frank's King has made your days, it could go a one of two ways. Your business doesn't move in a straight line. Make sure your team is taken care of through every twist and turn with Canada Life Savings, Retirement and Benefits plans. Whether you want to grow your team, support your employees at every stage, or build a workplace people want to be a part of, Canada Life has flexible plans for companies of all sizes so it's easy to find a solution that works for you. Visit CanadaLife.com slash employee benefits to learn more.

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July 13th. Sign up now at dazon.com slash fifa that's d-a-z-n dot com slash fifa. I tell you what I do have about, um, on the occasions I have a bath and I'm more of a shower man. I have quite a strict ritual about what I do in the bath. And I'll keep this, obviously. What I do, I get in the bath I don't sit straight in I kneel and wash my face first of all because I don't want to wash my face in water where I've been sitting. Oh I see. So I kneel in the water and wash my face and then I wash my behind right because I it's hard to wash something you're sitting on because you can't get at it so I do that and then I see and then I do um face so face then behind no no yeah that's right but I'm still kneeling at this point I haven't actually

sat in the bath and then I finally I arrive in the bath and then I start at the top I start at the neck and go down. What's scrubbing yourself with a flannel or something? Scouring. Scouring? No, just you know the things using a combination. Do you have people doing it for you or are you doing it all yourself? No I'm doing it all myself. I'd like a kind of a car wash facility but I'd be frightened. Spinning. So actually my girlfriend's sister had a haircut this week and she's had a fringe. I recommended that she had a fringe and it really suits her but she keeps saying I can't stand this, I feel like I'm in a car wash. I think it

might lead to some terrible trauma. It does sound to me though Frank, the way you approach bathing if you don't mind me saying that, it's a bit of a sort of horrible chore to be dispensed with. Well yeah, I don't enjoy it. I never wallow. The second I've finished the last foot, the last toe has been done, I'm out of there. Really? You know how people wallow in the bath? I've actually thought, you know, it's about time I tried the wallowing in the bath and I've lit candles. I've got like a whole collection of candles, none of which match. I've got a black one I got from an Elton John do that I went to and then one

that's got a picture of Oscar Wilde and says, I have nothing to declare but my genius. And then one with Our Lady of Lewes on and they're all there and I lit them all and what I do is I light them, get in the bath and then I kneel, I wash my face and then my behind and then I go down and I wash my neck down to my feet and get out. You did exactly the same. Exactly the same. I get out of a finger chill. I did the same thing in poor light. Yeah, I didn't wallow, not for a second. See I can spend up to two hours in the bath. Do you have to keep topping it up? Do you have an immersion eater in there? Yeah, I have the water running. Throughout? For quite, yeah, for most of that

time. And I just love it. I do the candles thing. Are you one of these people who reads in the bath? Oh yeah. How do people do that? Have the radio on as well, that's always really nice. Yeah, I read in the bath. I could spend forever in the bath just hopping it up a little bit definitely. Oh, it's my idea of hell. Just in and out. Absolutely, you get in, you clean, you know. Like you're in prison or something.

I think it's a whole different ball game in prison. I don't understand those walking baths, have you seen those? How do you do that? Do you walk in and then put the water in? I thought it might be like a lock system that you get on canals, that half the bath is full, and then you walk into the empty side, close the thing, and then you gradually let it into the levels go out. With Shire Horses, all worked by Shire Horses.

You know this is the second time we've talked about bathing with Shire horses on this show. That's weird. This is very exciting for me. I know you might sneer but I've been inducted. I'm gonna be inducted. They're gonna put docked into me. I'm gonna be inducted into the Birmingham Walk of Stars. Wow.

You don't start with that tone. You live in Bournemouth. What's the Bournemouth walk of stars like? Max Bygraves, that's it. Yeah. But yeah, we've got, so it's like, it's like, you know, in Hollywood where there's indentations in the pavement type of thing, it's a bit like that with stars and all that. And they've got Ozzy Osbourne and Tony Iommi, who's the guitarist with Sabbath and Jasper Carrot Jasper Carrot you guessed it who else Noddy Holder? Noddy Holder is not actually from Birmingham he's from Warhampton but he's on it I don't know quite how he got it. Adrian Childs he should be on it?

He's not on it now I think the idea is you have to fill the major Birmingham venue hmm I've got Murray Walker on this list. Murray Walker. What venue is he from? Racing guy. He used to gig a lot. Welcome to the gig! You're all sitting there! I'm about to do something! Yeah! Murray Walker's on there. Is he from Birmingham? He must be. He doesn't sound like he's from Birmingham. No, but I mean he's had to change that. You couldn't have. Shall we come it over to you? You were lap 17. It's very, very scary. What's he gonna say? I don't know. I was about to do at Birmingham, Mary Walker, but you did that.

So, erm, sorry. So speaking of, it's all about getting in first in this business. You'll learn that as you get older. So you moved this week, didn't you? Yes. That doesn't happen that often. No we moved into a... You're like a slender Loris in that respect. You're calling me lazy. I had to organize the people who were going to come and move and in the end we had a lovely two lovely men with a van one called... Yeah that's quite traditional. Two men with a van I think is a common enough... You can pay a lot more and they do a lot more for you.

Well I've heard that. But they want to come round. I didn't know... Well how are they going to move the stuff if they don't come round? What, are you going to email it? Even to give you a quote. Even to give you a quote. They want to come and have a look at your stuff. Well that's fair and obvious. You might have nine to you. No it's not. We've got the same stuff as everybody else. They've seen stuff before.

Can you stop shouting? That's their job. You're ruining the absolute radio speakers. Yeah, and I was sorting that out. And then on that day, my wife is pregnant. So can I say, before you go into this story, is that when I moved, the last time I moved, I paid this removal company and I

didn't touch, they just came around and they just wrapped everything up in my house and I didn't, I wasn't even there, I went away and when I got back everything was in the new house. It was fantastic, they wrapped it all up but they wrapped up like dirty cups, a newspaper. And did they just throw them around as well when they got there? Like it was, they put the Chris Packers back in exactly where you want them in. It was brilliant. No, everything was still raps. My entire life, it was like, you know that artist who raps buildings? It was like that. They, they wrapped the whole thing and then, and then put it in the new house and I didn't have to touch, I didn't have to pack anything. I wouldn't

like that. I don't want, I don't want the meddling in my drawers it was like it was like Christmas I can't believe you said that that's the trailer sorted out oh my god good morning it's saturday morning saturday morning yes is that our newle? Yeah I like it. If only we'd captured it. Oh we've got it, it'll be on tape so we can just clip that out and then everybody. Saturday morning! I like it. So what's new? Whoa whoa whoa! I thought you were going to start Gareth. Oh was, was I? Um, oh yes, well what's new for me, Frank, is I've been reading this email that somebody

emailed in. That's it, keep it natural. It's, yeah, no, very smooth. Frank, on reading your, um, this is from Johnny Walls. You see, can I stop you immediately? Yeah, please do. People, the problem I have with emails is why don't people use dear anymore? Dear.

Then, I never get emails that begin dear Frank. I still use dear if I send emails. And they never use uppercase either. I know that's a bit pedantic of me but it does annoy me. They don't use uppercase. No. I don't really know what that is but you're right. Capital letter.

No but I tell you what I get, I get high. Because you're on absolute. High Frank. Who wants that? Who wants that? Am I a footballer's wife? Dear Frank. I'd say hey. Look, don't get me wrong, I very much appreciate the readers, not readers, the listeners. What do they do? Do they read it?

The emailers left them. There's probably a braille version of this show on the internet. I think it goes out in Morse code somewhere as well. Those of you who are decoding this as I speak, I appreciate your emails and stuff, but dear Frank or dear Emily or even dear Gareth. But Johnny Waller says, Frank, on your Heaven and Hell feature on the Telegraph website, I see that the... He's not implied, is he Johnny?

What's that? Yeah, see, well there's quite a lot of stuff. The Telegraph website was your Heaven and Hell feature. Telegraph is a newspaper. Yeah. A website. Let's break this down. Exactly. Heaven and Hell. Heaven and Hell is when I think you talk about your favourite things and your worst things. I can't remember. It's been a while back. He says, I see the neti pot is an important tool. Neti pot is a... What's that? A neti pot is like a little watering can that you

fill with warm water and salt in the mornings. And you pour it up one nostril and the water comes out the other and then you switch around and it clears your tubes. This is a very new thing, I've never heard about this. Well, that's what it is. I'm going to have to fit this in. I didn't do it this morning because, I don't know that I've ever told you to this but I don't actually I have my shower and all that on the evening on the Friday on the

Friday night I don't have time this morning what so I show up in the morning I don't know not if I'm I don't have time I No, so yeah, so I don't do it in the morning. I just get up and I put deodorant over the deodorant that I put on last night. Oh, we should be grateful. Well yeah, I like, you know, I'm working with people in the closed area. I like to think I'm making an effort. And that's it. So I'd know.

Anyone listening and they're thinking, oh, well, Don, is it decaying vegetables somewhere in the kitchen it's it's me hmm can the smells go over the radio I think they can if you're listening on FM as well I know as if you listen in I am you're not gonna get anything no no smell you have to take my word for it but that that's I didn't have a time for a shower this morning. I, I'm, I've just started. Oh, where you go, you see? Yeah, no, I'm fine. It's the boys have started, we've started. It's like the school holidays, isn't it, when you keep the same socks on for like a month. There used to be a point in the school holidays where it was possible to get your socks on

the wrong feet. These ought to be uncomfortable, I must have them on the wrong feet. I do, I did that with my shoes. I used to get, did you ever put your shoes on the wrong feet. I did that with my shoes. I used to get... Did you ever put your shoes on the wrong feet? Yeah, shoes I think, that's more normal that way. Generally you phase that out as you get older, don't you? But I sometimes still do that.

Do you really? I turned up at the airport wearing odd shoes recently. Odd shoes. Different odd shoes or just a pair of odd shoes? Yeah, you see my normal shoes and you think they're odd. But no, an actual... They're two bits from two different pairs. When you say you turned up the airport, I presume just to watch planes. Those are the people who turn up in odd shoes. Making my notes. That

one's coming again. It's the fact that you don't have to change your voice to do that. That's what worries me. What else does Johnny Worrell? He says that he used to do that. That's not what it's made of. What else does Johnny Worrell? He says that he used to do that, what you do with a neti pot, until he discovered the joyous sinew pulse elite. It's an advanced nasal sinus irrigation system. Hold on, hold on. They haven't paid for an advert. They can't. This sounds a bit suspicious. Let's lose the brand name. He says fill it up, place the fetching nasal tip up your nostril, turn it on and moan in delight as your nostrils become free from the hideous grime of modern living. I'm no way associated with the manufacturers, I'm just an allergy suffering pheasant who

was born on the wrong planet. Just a minute, an allergy sufferin', is that his mistake or yours? No, no, he does say pheasant. Oh well then. We get all sorts of people listening. I feel bad now I know he's actually poultry. I mean I was condemning him for not using the word deer. The fact that he could actually muster an email.

He's online and that's something. And constantly under threat if you think about it. He was born on the wrong planet. He should be from the planet of the pheasant men and he was born on earth no hold on where does the planet think of is that what he said he was born on the wrong planet right analogy suffering pheasant who was born on the wrong planet okay is this a treatment for a sci-fi movie well there is now I'm writing this down. Well there you are, our first email is actually from a pheasant.

I'm slightly on edge this morning, I've got to be honest with you. I'm going to a football match after, which is, when you're a West Bromwich Albion fan is cause enough to be anxious. I'm going to Tottenham Hotspur's, but I am a guest of Sir Alan Sugar. Wow, Alan Sugar? Yes. The Apprentice! That one, that one, yeah.

Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da da

Can you not mention The Apprentice? Well I won't mention it because I've never seen it still to this day. Oh yeah, of course. So what I'm hoping is that he doesn't ask me any quiz. There might be a quiz at half time about The Apprentice. You'll have to lie. I don't think I could possibly lie to Sir Alan Sugar, wouldn't you? That's going to be brilliant.

I did try and record it on my Sky Plus once, and you know sometimes the picture freezes on digital telly, and the programme started, as you say, and there was this shot of the gherkin building, And it was on for about four minutes with him talking over the top and I thought they've overdone the Gherkin. You know sometimes when you're in McDonald's you think they've overdone the Gherkin. It was like that. And then I realised the picture had frozen and I couldn't just listen to it over a picture of the Gherkin. So I... It's going to be like, you think you've been to the football before. You've never been

to the football with me I'm no mark. Don't try pull the wool over my eyes. You see I find There's a taxi driver outside typing your sat address into his sat nav Intimidated Yeah, that's what he said. He just says things like that all the time. I'm going to be so intimidated. Don't try and tell him that you'll like him either. He doesn't like it if you say you'll like him. Nobody's like me. I'm unique. That's what I'm saying. I wasn't planning to say.

It's nice to meet you, Sir Alan. You know, you and I are very, very similar. I'm sure it'll be lovely and stuff, especially if we win. But yeah, I'm a bit, you know, he's one of those folks who's a bit scary. Oh, he's terrifying. It's the professional fragsgiver show. I'm here with Gareth and Emily, my friends who are going to help me through the morning. Hello.

Hello. And there's loads, don't say a lot, are you saying a lot to me or to the listeners? To everyone. Oh, no, no, that's good. I like that. It's like I'm the cricket when everyone... Yeah. So did you see... Did you see Comet Relief? I did. That's what everyone's talking about. The water coolers in the empty offices all over Britain. This morning they're all doing it here. Yeah, I really enjoyed it.

Did you see it, Gareth? No. No, I was working last night. I was a comedian. I'm a comedian, I had a gig. Right. This is hard times for being a comedian when Comet Relief is on. Yeah, Comet Relief kills live comedy, doesn't it? Yeah, everyone was watching telly, the gig was empty. Sorry, you were going to say, I'm used for it.

Yeah, no, I really liked it. I saw, I loved The Apprentice, I thought that was by far my favourite thing. I'll tell you there was one terrible bit on that and that was when Alan Sugar started telling the boys that their mistake was that their tie would be so expensive to make and he said you're talking about 50,000 units and it's going to be 8,250,000 for the plastic bearings and he said you know how much money we're talking about here and under a breath you heard Carol Vorderman say 87 million and. And I thought, oh, Carol is still doing mental arithmetic. It reminded me of when they said, Stan Laurel,

after Oliver Hardy died, Stan Laurel kept writing sketches for Laurel and Hardy, even though Oliver Hardy had died. And poor Carol can't stop doing mental arithmetic. I bet she hangs around dart boards. Oh man. But it was, it was, I cried all night basically. Partly because I was thinking about doing this show. But the films were the saddest. I mean we can't talk about them really though. But they were so, so sad. I pledged everything I had and my house and everything. Hey you know they missed the big thing though. I wanted to see Cheryl and Ashley televised

Raoul. That's what they should have done. What happened to the she- all week the papers have been saying what's going to happen when Cheryl Cole meets Ashley Cole after he'd been night clubbing while she was up Killam and Jarl. It was like the Millennium Bog. It was going to be the biggest thing that ever happened and then there's been no mention of it at all. I know. I think they've resolved it in private, which I think is really selfish of them. Yeah, that would have been a great comic relief thing, which you could bid to. How much of the actual row you could watch on television.

No, I also, I don't know what Ashley did wrong. He basically, he went to a nightclub. What is, what is the decorum if your girlfriend's off killing Manjaro? The police got involved didn't they? Why were the police involved? I think that the police are always hanging around nightclubs looking for trouble. What should we do tonight boys? Let's follow Ashley Cole around. He'll do something rowdy at some point and we'll be in the paper. Yeah, because the wife's the wife.

Cheryl will kill him. It'll be hilarious. The wife's up the mountain. Do you ever watch that UK street crime, that satellite TV show? Oh no, I haven't seen that. It's all about people eating each other in the street and police arresting people. It's fantastic. I mean, it's so scary, but it's like, you can watch all the things, if you saw them live in the street, you'd be terrified, but because they're on telly, you're safe. And I was watching that yesterday and an

Eric Bristow was on it was like it was like there was a celebrity version of UK Street crime and he'd some bloke said that Eric you know Eric Bristow is the dark play the crafty cockney and this bloke said Eric Bristow has just threatened me. Really with darts? Was he throwing darts at people? I don't know. I don't know if... 180, eat that. I think he just has to reach into the inside pocket and I think, oh no, the Tongsden's coming out. Yeah, but it was great on one of those shows to see a celebrity. I was so excited, I can't tell you. The thing that we were talking about earlier was the fact that they had the apprentice on on Red Nose Day and I did this morning with Ruby Wax about three years ago. We were sitting... I thought you meant co-presenting. No, no, we were guests and we were sitting in the

waiting room, you know, it's like the doctor's waiting room kind of thing for this and what. She said, I've invented something. She said it's, it's, it's a kind of a domestic thing, she said, but she said, I can't tell you what it is, but it's going to be an absolute smash. Right. This, I say, was about three years ago. Now, either she's held it back, Ruby, or it passed by. Do you think it was like, Ruby wax? A kind of household wax? The thread. The thread, and you can use it for everything.

Just any unit. Well if it was that, I haven't heard of it. I mean maybe it was like the sat-nav, and we just didn't know it was Ruby wax behind it. We don't know, just she was quite about to. Do you remember there were those two guys from Big Brother, who invented, it was a receptacle to put tea bags in. Oh yeah. And I just call that a bowl? Or do you just put them straight in the bin?

Well I've got a receptacle for tea bags. I wonder if it's the one, I'll have to check the patent number and then Google them. I had a very odd thing, I was quite close with my grandma and I can remember clearly. Did you use her as a receptacle for tea bags? Is that what you're gonna say? She drank so much tea she did look like a tea bag. Did she really? She really did. And I've got a clear memory of that she showed me the blueprints for an invention that she'd made. What?

Your grandma did? Yeah, she probably had to have drawn up by someone proper. And what it was, it was a clip that you put on like the accelerator of a car that your high heels fit into so that it didn't slip off because she reckoned it was a problem, the slipping of the shoe. Yeah, I love that. Your grandmother wore high heels? Yeah, well proper lady shoes.

I think lady shoes are different to men's shoes. She was quite a saucy grandmother. Yeah. Your grandmother isn't Ruby Wax, is she? No, but the weird thing about it is that no one else in my family ever heard about this. Right? And it was never made? No, it was never made. She only showed it to me. Oh, okay.

She brought Gareth the one to talk to about it. Gareth's the one who can make this happen. It was only eight and I don't know if it took off. You were eight? Yeah, I was really little. Oh, I don't think you should be showing blueprints to an eight year old. Of anything. We should fix So all that's left is the greatest fix Cause we know your time's on the time