The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner's Radio Days: Beatrix Potter

Episode Date: October 21, 2026

The gang talk about animals in children's stories, children choosing presents for family members and tennis. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Frank, can I just do a bit of business first? Oh, you'll betcha. I've been sent a necklace, nice necklace, and it says Debbie on it. My name's not Debbie. So if any of our readers are called Debbie, and want this necklace, I will send it to them. I'll pay for the postage. Yeah, so if you're listening, Debbie, you'll pay for the postage.

Yeah, I will. I'm doing quite well now. Got a boyfriend. Yeah. You mean he'll pay for the postage? Yeah, he'll pay. Yeah, he'll pay. Okay.

Yeah, so Debbie. Get in touch. Just let's let us know. The first Debbie we get, what if we get a bogus Debbie and then put it on eBay? What about Debbie Reynolds? I think she's no longer with us.

No, she's with us still. Oh, is she? Okay. My gay godfather's ex- When I say no longer with us, I don't think she listens anymore. I did a joke about the Franco-Prussian War,

which apparently she had relatives in it, and took her offence to that. We never know what's going to upset people, I told you, Debbie Reynolds. I said this. I've said this once, I've said it, I think 11 times. I'll have to check my journal. I'll tell you what, I was driving yesterday. Oh, yeah.

And I was on my own in the car, and I thought, you know what, I think I'll have a soft drink. So I had a... You got a bar in the car? No, but I had a... It's like Simon Cowl, in the limo. I always liked to have a can in the car in case it gets stuck in traffic. A can? A bit thirsty.

This is going in a very different direction. A can of pop. Yeah, I don't mean. I didn't have a breaker. That's what you're thinking. No, so I had a, you know, I... What did you go for, Dr. Pepper, free from the absolute radio? Yeah, I'm a big fan of the doctor's work.

So I always have a... I have a Dr. Pepper in the car. And so I had a Dr. Pepper. And on the news, it started to tell me that one can of soft drink is a man's sugar allowance for the... entire day. No. One can of soft drink.

Do you know I enjoyed it that little bit more? Good. I thought, how lovely to have all my sugar allowance in one little can? Oh, brilliant. In one here? You know, because it's so easy to drag it out across the day and a little bit here, a little bit there. But no, I thought I'll get it out the way. And honestly, I felt like I was doing something a bit daring and crazy.

Yeah. I think it's got to be healthy. It's got the word doctoring. And also pepper is a vegetable. Pepper's a spice It's a vegetable as well It's not overtly saying I'm healthy Are there are carbohydrates in pepper?

Which pepper? The spice or the peppers? Not pepper pig. Pepper pig is protein through and through. Definitely. Fat, yeah, yeah. She's not that fat. She's pig. I don't think she's fat.

If you see a long side, say, daddy pig. Yeah. I'd say she's felt. I think his name's George, actually. No, George is the brother. Is it? Yeah, get it right. God.

to say. Daddy Pig, he's called Daddy Pig. This is not a world where one gets the first names of parents. Daddy Pig is called whatever I choose to call him at that moment. It's not hamstered. It's a, it's a lovely pig world. Lovely pig world, is? Oh, good. I'm glad we're already in Pig World. It's a lovely, you've seen it, it's our superstore of port products. I'm a Debbie. Pardon? Says Debbie Picarillo. Well, I don't know how to pronounce it. Picarello. Picarillo. I'm going to go.

Do, Emily, I'm a Debbie. I was actually named after Deborah Carr. Oh, okay. I pronounce it Carl. Queen and I? That's Kerr. Yeah. I thought it was you pronounced it car, Kerr. Or maybe not. I don't know. I think you do pronounce it, Carr. Thank you. I'm in the theatre. What, K-E-Dubler? Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. Oh, how about it. I'm not having that. Okay, fair enough. Well, I'm not a hundred percent, certain. No. It's a Scottish name, isn't it? It's a sure that you would roll the R at the end.

Kerr. Oh, here we go. Oh, it's a Scottish name. Here we go. Is Descartes Scottish? I'm going to be honest. Check me out. That's actually my middle name. What is Descartes? Kerr is my middle name.

K-Bler-R. He's saying it as if it's an enormous vessel, as if it was something like Algernon. Kerr is fine as a middle name. It is, yeah. But there are many pronunciations. You don't own the pronunciation just because you own the name. Also, it's not in a Scottish context to it.

It's not one of your proclaimers. no more anyway Debbie congratulations you win the Debbie the Debbie necklace yeah I'll send that to you send me your dress please thank you

and it's not as rubbish as you might think either that's good is it because it's actually worth quite a lot of money is it yeah we didn't want to say that before in case opportunists text yeah Debbie Beckerreale or competition winners and Debbie if you want to send

us a pronunciation a phonetic pronunciation of your surname we'll say Good, yeah. So what, is the designer? Well, never mind this, she's in Cornwall. That's going to cost me an arm and a leg. I didn't know that. Arm and a leg, that's the island man.

What if she's on the lizard? If she's on the lizard, then that's going to be a bit coarse. I don't know. We think they're going to be slimy, but when you're actually an old one... Lizards, oh, yeah. They're not. Yeah. It's odd to when they have an air of slimyness, whilst retaining an arid.

An arid skin. I, speaking of the scaly world, I was at a bibrary trout farm this week. Lovely. You get about, don't you? Yeah. Do you do you? Dr. Pepper in the car, visiting trout farm. That's what my life's like.

You work hard, and you've got all this to come. I look forward to the trout farm. Oh, yeah. Oh, do you ever been to a trout farm? No. Oh, hey. Sounds fabulous. I'll tell you, what you do, you walk around.

I mean, there's two. those Roger Daltry ones, aren't they? I think I've worked out why a lot of rock stars in the 70s got trout farms. Yeah. Because what happens... Because it's delicious. They give you cups of feed. Well, they don't give you, it's 50 pence a cup.

For little pellets to fade. I'm visibly saw Alan's face fall when you mentioned 50p. I'm out. Yes. Family of four, that'd be two quid, just in those cups. It's too much. Well, you can share a cup. All right, yeah.

But anyway, what you do, But I'd say once you've tried it, you'll go back for more cups, which is what I did. Not a 50-peer cup, you way. You throw a handful in, and the trout go absolutely. They are flying out of the water. Are they? I got more excitement from one handful of trout food than I did from watching three England games in the World Cup. Yeah.

It was properly thrilling, and you throw more in there, and they go crazy for it. There's like 50 of them all throwing themselves. It's not a danger they'll overeat if you keep doing that. Talking of penitry. Hmm. Deborah Carr. Oh, yes. Never heard of her.

I don't know you're talking about. Do you mean Deborah Kerr? Well, that doesn't surprise me, because what you wouldn't know is that Deborah Carr made it clear that her surname should always be pronounced the same as car as in the vehicle. Right. How'd you like them apples? Yeah.

Sounds like she's very English with a Scottish name to me. That's what I think. Well, you sound very English with a Scottish name. That's true. That's true. I must admit it would never have a card to me. I'll tell you what I've been doing this week. Oh, hang on, hang on. Oh.

Are you moving away from the trout farm? Are you done with that? Because I have a question. Did you get to eat any? Did you actually get to... You can? You can. First of all, you combine them.

That's a bit arm in my moves. I don't approve of that. There's a shop. There's a shop. If you've been out of their gaff, Frank. Can't eat them. Exactly. They're fish.

There's a certain deal, I think. If you feed them, then they have to feed you. And how else are they going to feed meals with their own flesh? Yeah. They're not going to cook your dinner. No, that's this week's texting. How else can trout feed me off of them with their own flesh? Did you get, you didn't eat any?

No, there's options. There's a fish, you know, a fishmonger there. Is there? I mean, that's what you call fresh. Yeah. Doesn't get fresher. They're just carried across. And there's also a cafe of which I think there were seven main courses,

six of which were trout-based. Brilliant. Imagine if they said, oh, no, we don't do fish. I'd respect them for that. Yeah, but another was, it was, it was very, it was like that old Monty Python sketch when everything was spam.

Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam. But it was trout this, trout that. Trout this, trout that and trout the other. That's what it was. Do you remember the... But I didn't eat any. I did, I did feel that they'd given us entertainment, and I will eat trout again,

but I'll just give it a few days. No, it's like when people don't eat pig because they've watched the film, Babe, and they think it's cute. you just get it down you I'm in for it now any people from religions who don't eat pig

Alan is not suggesting that you that's because of the film Bay it's a different thing right yeah just want to get you into any trouble what about I wasn't I was quite part of trouble

at that's a difficult time do you know what that reminds me of when Roger Daltry do you remember he used to do an ad for a charge card I won't say what it was a famous ad campaign yes I remember and it stuck with me for years because there was one thing he used to say. He was down by his trout farm in the Peaky Blinders cap.

And I always remember it because he said, having a famous face doesn't help pay for nights out. Well, I disagree. That's absolutely incorrect. Yeah, but the card does. No, I think he actually said having a famous face doesn't pay for nice trout. Oh, yeah. You misunderstood him there, which is correct,

because I went up to the shop at the Bible trout farm. It smiled. But did I get an offer of a free trout? No. Did I Buffalo? Let me ask you a question. Have either of you ever read any Beatrix Potter? Oh, yeah, when I was a child.

Like it? I was all over it. Some I liked, yeah. Not sure about it. Really? I tried it on Boz this week. Oh, yeah, how'd it go? Well, we started reading this book.

It was rabbit-based, this particular. It's called Peter Rabbit. Rabbit-based. I think this was called something floppy bonnies or something. Oh, yeah, yeah, I know that one. I think there's a regular rabbit theme in her work. And one of them was that his dad turned up the rabbit and the dad. So I'm reading this to Boz, a certain amount of paraphrasing,

but the pictures, every picture tells a story. And the daddy rabbit starts stripping down a branch off a tree and then starts hitting the rabbit with the rabbit. it really hard. You know, it's a punishment. Tough love in the rabbit community, I don't know. I, it was... A bit 70s, isn't it? You know, when you read about stuff, like, and people say,

Eonid Blyte and you can't read it to children anymore because it's, you know, it's politically incorrect, and you think, oh, for goodness sake, when you're actually reading it to a child and there's a rabbit dad whipping his rabbit son with a rat, you know, we were avoiding each other's gays, I can tell. Oh, no. Have you met my gays? They're lovely. Flea. I sponsored them.

They're out full force today. Oh, they certainly are. I gave them a bit extra this week, to be honest, just you go and enjoy yourselves. Oh, they laughed. Enjoy yourselves, I help. But I must say, if I'm going to be, Lance is a bit getting a bit swollen.

Lance? Yeah. But I think he's one of them. I just think, what do you mean he's one of them? You talk like that, do you? Anyway, if you're listening, boys, have fun, right? I mean, Lance is the one you've chosen to name out of your gates. Yeah, well, I just mention, I don't want to go, you know, it's not about that.

You don't want to go through them all, do you? I think people who make charity a public thing like that. It's a charitable venture. Charity! I sponsor them. To do what? To live. Do you have a photograph of them on your fridge?

I do actually. I have more than one. And, uh, well, I won't even go into it. But they're lovely lads and all the best. You're doing to their lads and some do the other lads? I'm trying to normalise it. What? How can you say that? I'm pride, don't know.

Wow. No, I'm talking about you and your behaviour. Oh, sorry. Um, yeah, so, I was really quite, oh, no. Oh, yeah. So the Peter Rabbit. It's like, I'm wondering if it, if you're supposed to read it, Beat Rick's Potter. Oh, yeah. Or dominate

Rick's Potter. Well, I think we know who'll know about that. Yeah, well, we'll ask them later when I see my friends in the S&M community. But it was, I really found it unpleasant. And then a mummy rabbit spanked another rabbit in a different book.

That's quite specialist interest, I'll say. It is. It's on the very top shelf. But then I thought, well, I'll go more classics. So I went for Mr. Jeremy Fisher, who I had heard of. Oh, I love Jeremy Fisher? Frog in breeches.

Yeah. And I was reading his book, and he said, I've got some friends coming around later. You know, everyone's called David Rabbit. Oh, squirrel knocking. Yeah, exactly. But they've all got, you know, it's got squirrel in it. Of course, yeah.

He said, Alderman-Tolomey Tortoise is coming around. I thought it all makes sense. Lovely. So he listed there. And then another one of his friends who's coming around called Sir Isaac Newton. He was there? No animal, no animal base name. Sir Isaac Newton, no reference to the fact that's already someone called there.

Was it the same one? Was it the same Sir Isaac? Well, I thought, is that what's going to happen? Why is it the same one going for dinner with a frog wearing the breeches? Well, then at the end, I was, as you can imagine, I was very concerned how they're going to handle the scale. The real Sir Isaac Newton turned up He don't even have to get his

His bockled shoe and ankle He had quite a hairdo on him as I recall Well we never got that far Let's face it But it turns up that it looks like it's some sort of toad creature All the others have adopted their animal name You know, floppy, bonny, Peter Radha He's called Sir Isaac Newton

If anyone's got an explanation I'd love to hear it We have a theory that if you make... I've got a million of them. Yeah, but in terms of the texting on commercial radio, I have said in the past, if you make a slight mistake, that's the thing that really lights up the switchboard. Yes, indeed.

And I think also, if you don't get something that everybody else does get, that is another way of really getting people to text. Your Sir Isaac Newton, in the Beatrix Potter story. It wasn't Beatrix Potter, was it? No, it was Beatrix. Yes, it was. I'm glad you were paying attention.

We've had so many texts saying Sir Isaac Newton is a newt. It's a newt. You see, Newt. I get it. Of course. Maybe he was a newt. Sir Isaac Newton. That clues it up, Frank.

I feel it's important to actually... I mean, they're texts in their thousands. I have to say... And we can I point out, he's the same... Can I think I remember it has been slightly tall... than Mr Jeremy Fisher, who's a frog. I think he's got up on his mouth for him. I think he's called Mr. Jeremy Fisher, isn't it?

So are newts considerably smaller than frogs? I haven't spent time with them, I don't know. Oh, I spent time with the news. Funny Ken Livingstone was a co-host. Didn't he keep them? The only person ever to say that. Yeah. He didn't want the gig.

You had to take me. Yes. He said he likes a lion on Saturdays. Has he got a show? He's got a newt. And that's where I'm starting from. Oh. I think he did have a shower.

I thought he was just tired. Yeah, he does look tired. Doesn't he? Yeah. He looks like a man hasn't slept for three weeks. We've had texts saying, are you sure he's not a newt, Frank? Is Newton being a newt? He's a newt frank.

If he'd been called Sir Isaac, Newt, that would have been brilliant, wouldn't he? Well, that wouldn't. No, he'd been remotely clever. Sir Isaac Nute. would have been really great. No, it wouldn't have missed something like the... No, that's better than Sir Isaac Newton. No.

Yes. We've also had this text. This is interesting. How can Frank have missed such a pun? I'm so sad for him. He may have to leave the station. I mean, we've really got the full sweep of response. I think I will have to leave the station.

Doesn't the man have to blow a whistle before I can do that? I am sad I miss the pawn, but I was misled by the illustration. shows a newt to be larger than a frog. That's my defence. Did you think it was a science book? But everything was actual size, all like to scale. I thought it was an S&M book. Everything else suggested.

I haven't read a book with so many canines. Well, obviously, I don't want you to read the Taylor of Gloucester then. That gets very dark. Yeah, well, that Taylor of Gloucester was in the box set. Don't go there. No. What, Gloucester? It's a bit late for that.

We've taken fine news. It's cold, Franks, radio days, I don't need days. There's a... Seven for the weeks old, this is a take not a glooper. You came out of Beatrix potter this morning on Absolute Radio. We've had... I'm banning it for some reason. We cleared up...

I think it should be banned. It has violence against children. And also there's some rabbits who were picked up by a farmer who says to his wife, these all dut to line my cloak. No, I'm a deveter. of the cloak, as you know. But a rabbit-lined, I don't think so. What about that mouse

on the cotton reel? So uncomfortable. That's Taylor of Gloucester. 853 has texted us. Mr. Jeremy Fisher, no reference there to him being a frog. Now, that's a fair point. That is a fair point. I miss that.

In fact, all the suggestions are, if you take Sir Isaac, Newt, and, Mr. Jeremy Fish, er. It should be a fish. It doesn't always operate on that principle. You're obviously not familiar with the backcats. Not always, but I'm saying there's a lot of that.

There's a lot of Peter Rabbit, squirrel knocking. This is Tiggie Winkle. How does that work? Jemima Pottle, duck. Tilly Winkle is a hedgehog. Winkle. There you go. Yeah, that should have been a winkle.

Clearly. I think what she's done, she's cool. I love these names. So still do time radio, yeah. Character doesn't really. Yeah, exactly. This is radio. Soft rock.

That's what we're special. in soft rock and Beatrix Potter. Yeah, Mr Jeremy Fisher, I should say that, does fish in it. He's a keen angler. So he's been picked up more for his characteristics than his species. Let's move on. Okay. You're banning?

Well, yeah, I think that, I think it should be banned. Well, rather than people correcting you on 8, 12, 15, maybe we can ask what that's it on. Okay. Isn't that? Yeah, banning. Is it enough of that? Yeah. It's been banned, apparently.

I'll tell you something else as well this week. It was my mother-in-law's, as I like to call her, my common law mother-in-law, is that the word? This is when the old mainstream jokes are being updated, isn't it? My coming-in-law, mother-in-law, what's she called? Would she be common-in-law? When you have a wife who isn't married, is that your common-law wife or common-in-law? Although I think the idea of common-law-women-in-laws is flawed.

Has it gone the common-law wife? I thought it was always a thing that it didn't really exist. You know, they said it was like a rule, but it's not really a rule. Anyway, Sandy Mason. Yes, we've got bog down, but we've got bog down. But we haven't got Bob down, because he's working a lot today. Safari suit? Yeah.

Sandy Mason. So, yeah. It was my mother-in-law's birthday. It was my mother-in-law's birthday. So I said to my two-year-old son, what should we get grandma? This is, I'm afraid, into the territory of the funny things they say. I never thought I'd go there, but here we are.

I said, what should we get grandma for a birthday? He said, raisins. I was quite pleased with that. Good gift. Now, I laugh, but I forgot about it. The next day we're in Holland and Barrett, and he comes over to me with a large bag of raisins. I haven't remembered it.

And I thought, you know what, this is actually a brilliant way of doing gifts. Yeah. Because I can give these raisins in any other circumstances. understand. She'd think, what the? And he said, this was suggested by Boz. And then suddenly it's a lovely present. Yeah. So we let him choose the card as wise. It said, it's met life so much easy. Yeah. Chose the greeting card with a fat, naked woman eating cake. And she was absolutely thrilled, because it was chosen by him. So if you ever, if you ever charge, you can hand over the whole responsibility of other people's birthdays. I once asked my son what we should get,

is mummy for Christmas, and he came over and whispered into my ear. White wine. So we did. White, white. Oh, I know. They've tuned in, don't the old gift thing. Hi, Frank, Emily and Alan. Frank, when introducing...

This is why I don't know how it's on absolute 80s. Folks life very difficult. Absolute blur. Then they think it's all going to be blur instead of me talking about my life in the 80s. Frank, when introducing the magazine song this morning that you played on this channel that might not have been on 80s,

but anyway... Nevertheless, when introducing the magazine song this morning, you said, this could be one of the greatest guitar riffs of all time. That's correct. He's capitalised of all time. He then continues, can we please have a moratorium on this phrase of all time? The electric guitar has been around for what, 70 or 80 years, and all time is reckoned in billions.

Just a thought, Mike Griffin. I don't know about you, but I feel stiff with stress. Can I say? We should bring it to you. I didn't say electric guitar. I said guitar. Well, his voice has gone. The energy's gone. Good point, Mike Griffin.

That energy's dissipated. I was including the medieval troubadours of yesterday. Natch. Me too, in almost everything I said. It's the only time I've ever heard the word troubadours, followed by the word natch. I'm still doing that zesty upbeat thing. It's not really me. I think it's good.

He's banning the phrase of all time. He's actually picked up on our, what would you ban? Is the only person that has... I see, yeah. Of all time. You'd get rid of Beatrix Potter. Yeah, but I think it's fine, because when you say of all time, say if it was electric guitar, it's still of all time, but obviously you're only dealing with that last bit of it.

Yeah. So inevitably, it's of all time. Although, conversationalally speaking, if we are going to get rid of a thing, I think adults that use the phrase or word bestest, I mean, that is... Who does that? Oh, you know, when people are like, Oh, it's my bestest. I just...

That's women with cuddly toys on the bed. Yeah, it's a waste of all our times, because the word best is shorter. Women with pink bedrooms. Oh, dear. It's why. It's fine, it's why. Women with pink bedrooms, life without... What's that song?

Yeah. Games without boundaries. Games without ears, darling. Dogs without ears. Is it something like that? Dogs without ears. No, there's nothing like that. Dogs without ears.

Do you know what that reminds me of, thanks. You get dogs without ears. They've been savage in the Biotricks Potter thing. Dogfighting rings. You need to get out more. Tell you what we haven't talked about. What about that French tennis player? The one at Wimbledon.

I believe his name is Benoit-Parre. Oh, of course. Well, they're all called, more or less, that. Is it really? No, but he got knocked out in the first round of the men's singles. And he said, I'm not at all sad to leave this place where the atmosphere displeases me greatly.

Simply, I hate Wimbledon and I'm happy to leave as soon as possible. Thank you, good night. Was he playing a baddie in a film as well? That was absolutely. Say that again. I'm not at all sad to leave this place where the atmosphere displeases me greatly.

Simply, I hate Wimbledon and I'm happy to leave As soon as possible. What I love about that is that you didn't say only once. Oh no, I went for it. I'll always go for it. Frank. What's going on?

I love it. Yeah, I do. Now, I like this because it was very Big Brother Evicti, wasn't it? You know, and they say, yes, I'm going home. It was part Big Brother Evicti and part sort of weather forecast, the atmosphere displeases me greatly. I feel like he's kind of going, oh, it's a bit muggy. and I'm not really into the Wimbledon weather.

Is it a weather thing? This is his second language, no, to be fair. If it was Andy Morrie going out at the Paris Open, speaking in French, where would that be? I don't know. Does he have French, Andy Murray? I don't know. No, of course he doesn't. Well, you say, course.

Wigger does, don't he? Does he? Yeah. You're obsessed by him. But Wigo looks a bit more interesting. He's got himself. You've absolutely recreated Bradley Wiggins' hair, I mean, absolutely. I don't know what I'd say.

You've got an obsession over yourself with him. I haven't. As someone I worked with once said to me of the craze. Really? He said, I don't know what happened to me. I've got an obsession over myself with them. I like obsession over myself. I like it.

It's like the cloak of invisibility. What the obsession takes over. Anyway, so he, yeah, he was, I like that he used the word displeased, though. You don't hear that often enough in sport. It might have been telling you. in the truth, he might not be a bad loser. He might have really hated the whole English middle classness of Wimbled

and, you know, the strawberries and cream. Yeah, and all that. But you can't, it's, they never say you're pleased to go home. It's like in the jungle, as you call it, when they say, oh, yeah, I just want to see my family. What family? You've only got one woman with the extensions, I always think, if you like your family so much, maybe you wouldn't sign up to a show

where you could be away from them for three weeks. But, um, I don't know. I like, I don't know. I, losers are always more interesting than winners. In a way, I hate winners. What does that say about us? Yeah, but you know what I mean? I mean, there's more documentaries about Hitler than Churchill.

Why do you think that is? Because people, everyone loves a loser. Hang on. Are you using Hitler as a poster boy for losers here? Well, yeah. That's all he was, in fairness. No, I'm not sure that's why they're doing documentaries on him. Because he lost.

Yeah. Believe me, if he'd won, we wouldn't be doing documentaries as well. It'd be a dangerous business. Because the family, be a family business, he'd still have, he'd have his kids. What else do you didn't have kids? The country would be run by Alsatians. An interesting take-on fatherland there. But you remember when Terry Griffith...

When Terry Griffith got knocked out of the World Snoke Championship, and he said, you know, there's a certain beauty in defeat. Oh, lovely. And that was one of the best things. have ever heard a beaten sportsman saying. Hello, he's still with me. Yeah, yeah, we're listening. We're listening to your theories.

I do. I do. I do. I'm telling what I find. What do you find? Do you find, like, Frank, that every loser wins. That's why we do documentaries about it. No, but I quite like it.

Frank, I like being the loser. If I'm playing a board game, I love it when I get out. I can sit back, luxuriate, have a glass of wine. No, this is, like, Frank, this is making it. No, I didn't really. I know you, Emily Dean, and you hate it. Going out first, you would absolutely... You'd say, oh, this is lovely sitting back.

But you would so hate it. I can't believe. He said that. In sincerity. We were at Wimbledon. We're not at Wimbledon. We're not at Wimbledon. Well, no.

But I hope to be. I don't like the atmosphere. It displeases me greatly. taken it into other territories there. Well, the other thing that's happening at Wimbledon is, you know, you can't say ball boys anymore. There's been new legislation. You can't say ball boys or ball girls.

You have to say ball kids now. There genuinely hasn't been new legislation, has there? Yeah, they have. No. I believe so. Well, they've told the commentators that's how they should refer to them. Children is what I suppose you'd end up with, if you didn't go for kids.

Ball youths? What about little bees where the... Because they're busy, aren't they run around? if you said, oh, look at the little bees, they're getting the balls back? Yeah, but the trouble is with that, is that they tend to operate as individuals, the ball, as call them the ball kids. I think what would be better, if there was like 20 of them at one side of the court, a ball goes free, and it's like the trout at the trout farm.

They all seize upon it, and then they keep, hold on to that ball, and the one who's got the most balls at the end of the game gets some sort of prize, maybe a necklace with Debbie on it. I'm not going to reward the biggest, toughest of the little bees? No, it's going to, it's the one with the best focus. I would have hated that job, poor boy. Why would you want to do that? The Samurai Code says that when a sparrow hawk attacks a sparrow,

you have to focus on the one you're going to go for. Don't even look at the others, just stick with that. Even if one goes really close to you, forget it, just keep with the one you're after. I've been a life lesson there. That's my advice to the orchids and to this new system, that they've been forced to confront. never had any desire to do that, but I had to wear unflattering the skirt, stands. I think they're in shorts now.

Oh, even though ladies? Yes, I think that's part of the new equality thing. Oh, I don't approve of that. I think they should wear green body suits. So they're blubbed in. More suits? Look, green body stockings. More suits.

Body stocking. Yeah, and then they should have robotic telescopic tongues with Velcro tips. So they're like lizards. They go, that's how they collect the balls on. That sounds great. That would be fantastic. Well, got on a bit, Jeremy Fisher. That would be brilliant now.

Imagine that. Plucking them out the air. Oh, yeah. Hang on. Hang on. When they're in the air, they're sort of in play, aren't they? Not if they've just bounced out. Oh, yeah.

Can you ask it? Are you turning it into a Doctor Who episode as well? No, it would just be, you know, give it a bit of theatre. That's what people want nowadays. Come on, Tim. That's what they're after. Good ref. Come on, Tim.

That's what they used to shout, didn't they? That's what they shout to Andy. Murray though now. Do they? Yeah. They still shout, come on Tim. They're still. They really?

Might have done it myself. That's good. That's good. Comedy? Anne Hayden Jones. Oh, lovely reference. West Bromfer. One of the last British...

That sounds like a euphemism. What? I don't know what for, but it just does. No, no, she's... Oh. She was the winner before Virginia Wade. Yes. You know what you can't take to Wimbled

this year. If you do get tickets, is you're a thermos flask full of tea or coffee? Why would I do that? No. It's a heart, isn't it? Is it hot? Wimbledon. That's just for a button. People drink tea in hot countries, don't they? Farmas, please. People do drink tea in hot countries. That is a thing, isn't it? I mean, the Indians like tea, don't they? It's... The Indians do they like tea, you're right. And it's hot there. I'm led to believe. It's hot. that's just a fact, isn't it?

I'm just telling you some facts. But you can't take your thermos flask this year to Wimbledon because they're saying, look, it's a security alert. It's convoskid. The Daily Mail are saying, they're not letting you in with your thermos flasks so that they can charge you three quid for a cup of tea. That's what the daily mail is saying.

That's true, isn't it? Well, you say that. The Daily Mirror are saying the same cup of tea is £2.20, so I don't know who to believe anymore. It's all you do we need newspapers about this story. You know everything. If it's about tea prices. I've got it on as an alert.

You just Google Alert on T prices. And then I just sporadically pick up my phone and go, How much? Even on the quiet coach. The Morning Star. Well, you know what I liked about the Daily Mail is when they get quotes from people, it's always a very specific type of person, isn't it? Isn't it always Boisey from...

No, when they get a quote from a member of the public. So in this case, they asked Caroline Fines, a philanthropy advisor. She's a what? What sort of a joke? She said, well, I'll tell you exactly what she said. She said, I've always found it rather delightful that one can take in food and drink. I'll like you said, delightful. Mm, nice.

But what seems quite strange to me is what is a philanthropy advisor? I know what that is. What is it? Do they say, give money to charity, that'll be a grand, please? You know, when you're out with a friend and you walk past the big issue seller, and you say, oh, you don't want that. That's you being a philanthropy advisor. That's true.

You don't need that. Basically, she's turned that into a job. Okay, I'm quite obsessed by her. Mm-hmm. Anyway, so you can't take the tea in Frank? No, what they should do is take a tea bag, or a few tea bags, in their pockets. Oh, yeah. And then put them under the gum, like a skull bandit.

You know, the old skull bandits used to be, it used to be a way of smoking indoors. Is that right? They contain nicotine. They use a lot of them in Scandinavian. They do a lot of them in Scandinavian. Well, they're in small bags, like tea bags. Oh, are they? And you're wed them.

between your top lip and your gum, you just leave it there and let it drain. That reminds me when I was in choking. I might get into that. I wouldn't recommend it. Never really been a smoker, but I might get into it. Oh, well, hold on, I don't want to be the man who, uh, known as the man who brought you into the Skoll Bandit territory. Skull Bandit. Skull.

S.K.O.A.L. Hang on. Just let me write that down. Freddie Yon Teldon. S. K.K.O.L. were wondering about this new tobacco. S. K. O-A-L. Bandit. Get into it. No, don't get into it.

No, don't get into it. I've taken a little aired memoir. But I'm told that the physio in the Swedish national side, football this is, it gives them out to the players, because I think it's better than smoking tobacco. Can I say I absolutely not recommended it? Should it be an either-or for a professional football, or you'd think? We've taken all by radio shows

and no bit of editing and tightening. It's a walk-down and find new things quite frightening.